I agree that initial attraction is not a choice. I think though when you are in a long term relationship and your spouses body changes that is where the choice comes in. You can choose to overlook the flaws they have accumulated or not to a certain extant. As a man I think we have to a bit forgiving if our wife gains some weight, but there are limits. If you wife was 150 lbs when you met and were initially attracted to her and eventually grows to a weight of 275 lbs you cannot force yourself to be attracted any more. You need to talk about it. I agree that what is on the outside is not the only thing by which we should find someone attractive, but the outside does matter in combination with other internal factors. Great site.
Is this a matter of nature?
Is attraction something that you can shape?
That grows or wanes depending on other factors?
I grew up in a traditional Christian background that accurately, perhaps for misguided reasons, promoted attractions as more than just something physical. In other words, you should not choose to go for someone just because they were physically or chemically attractive to you. Instead you should go deeper and look at their character, their pursuits, and their whole person.
I say misguided for one reason. Much of Christian dating advice has focused so exclusively on being a “good Godly biblical” person that they have totally missed key elements of psychology, relationship building, and friendship which are absolutely necessary for a healthy relationship. Following God properly does not excuse you from the hard work of building a relationship.
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