How a Christian wife should handle a controlling husband

ControllingHusband

It is no secret if you have read many posts on my blog that I believe the vast majority of problems we face today as a society lie squarely at the feet of feminism. But even coming from a Biblical gender roles view as I do, I still believe in and have seen the controlling husband.

I believe there is a Biblical view of what a husband should be, if a husband acts outside those bounds he may be a controlling husband. But the world, including many people who profess faith in Christ and his Word, have rejected the Biblical view of a husband, and that makes them have a very expanded view of what a controlling husband is.

Let me first state a concept that is extremely clear in the Bible – God instituted patriarchy in the home, the church and society at large.  Ladies, if you want to follow the Bible, you need to leave feminism at the door.

We will first look at what a controlling husband looks like from a Biblical worldview, and then what actions are NOT those of a controlling husband(even though the world claims they are).

This is what a controlling husband looks like from a Biblical worldview:

  1. He is infuriated that his wife actually has different opinions from him.
  2. He not only wants her to act a certain way, he wants her to feel a certain way.
  3. He may or may not yell a lot, but he dominates every conversation in such a way that she cannot get a word in.
  4. He refuses to let his wife be involved with other women, whether they be friends, or family and insists her whole life be focused on his needs, wants and desires.
  5. He may or may not be physically abusive.
  6. He may or may not be verbally abusive.
  7. He makes his wife like less of a human being.

These are the Biblical passages that support the definition of a controlling husband I have given above:

A Biblical Husband doesn’t hold grudges against her

“Husbands, love your wives, and be not bitter against them.”

Colossians 3:19(KJV)

A Biblical Husband Honors his Wife – Respects her as an adult human being, with her own opinions, thoughts, likes and dislikes

“Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honour unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered.”

I Peter 3:7(KJV)

“She openeth her mouth with wisdom

Proverbs 31:26(KJV)

A Biblical Husband sacrifices himself for his Wife

“Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it;”

Ephesians 5:25(KJV)

A husband who is controlling is acting contrary to these Scriptures I have just mentioned. Such behavior is despised by God, and according to I Peter 3:7 God will not hear the prayers of a man who treats his wife with such contempt.

Now that we have discussed what a controlling husband is from Biblical view point, we will turn our attention to what is NOT a controlling husband from Biblical view point.

These behaviors are NOT wrong or controlling for a husband from a Biblical worldview:

  1. He completely controls the finances, even money his wife may earn, and gives her a weekly allowance for groceries, clothing and things that she or the children may need.
  2. He sets the discipline polices and rules for the children.
  3. He determines where the family goes to church.
  4. While he allows his wife to express her opinions on all manner of subjects privately with him, he determines the public family opinions on religion and politics.  He determines what the children will be taught from a religious, social and political viewpoint. He also teaches his wife from the Word of God. He does not always expect that his wife will agree with his interpretations, but he expects her to have a teachable spirit and respect for his right as her husband to teach her the Word of God.
  5. He expects his wife to fulfill her duties as a wife, including having sex with him and caring for their home and their children.
  6. He expects his wife not to disagree with him in public, but that she will keep her disagreements for private discussions with him. Even when she disagrees in private, he expects her to do so in respectful manner.
  7. He expects his wife to be respectful of other men as well, especially in mixed gender gatherings. He expects that his wife will not correct other men, or be too opinionated in the presence of other men.
  8. While his wife may be courteous with other men, he expects that his wife will never ever flirt with another man. While his wife may communicate with other men in his presence, he expects that his wife will never have a private friendship with any man other than her male relatives (father, brothers).
  9. While his wife may find other men attractive, he expects her not to gawk or act in an unladylike manner toward other men.
  10. While a husband should allow his wife to have lady friends with whom she can share her feelings and have a bond in a way only women can, he also has the right to restrict her from certain women whom he feels are a negative influence on his wife.

What to do if you have a controlling husband

If you have looked at the first 7 points I gave about a controlling husband, and he matches most of them then you indeed have a problem. But hopefully you have also ran your thoughts by the 10 items I have mentioned above, and you are not considering you husband to be controlling because of any of these actions.

So if you still believe you have a controlling husband these are the steps a Christian wife should take:

  1. Examine yourself first. While 80% of the problems in the relationship may be from his selfish and ungodly actions, you need to make sure you have cleaned up your own house first. Are you routinely disrespectful toward him? Whether it is public disrespect or private disrespect, this can cause your husband to act in unloving ways toward you. I am not justifying his actions, only giving one possible source of the problem.
  2. Pray for him. Do not under-estimate the power of prayer.
  3. Try to communicate with your husband how you feel in a very respectful way. Communicating things in an angry or disrespectful way will not accomplish anything, and two wrongs never make a right. Make sure you communicate these things to him in private, not in front of other people.
  4. Physical abuse does not have to be tolerated. Contrary to what some Christians have taught, if he is physically abusing you – you do not have to stay and take that. The Bible commanded (Exodus 21:27) that slaves had to be freed by their masters if they caused any serious physical damage to their slaves. This would be no less for a wife who is physically abused by her husband, as a wife had more rights than a slave. A wife has the right to be released from a husband who physically abuses her.
  5. Verbal abuse is different situation. I don’t think there is anything wrong with you taking a walk if your husband is using verbally abusive language, but there are no Biblical grounds for divorce in this situation. You also do not have the right to stop performing your duties and responsibilities as a wife and mother due to his unkind words. I Peter 2:18 tells slaves to be respectful and obedient even to masters who are cruel or unkind. This concept applies to the behavior of wives towards their husbands as well (I Peter 3:1-6).

Conclusion

Make sure your husband is truly a controlling husband. If you are bucking your husband for any of the 10 things I stated above that are NOT the marks of a controlling husband, then you need to repent to God and your husband for rebelling against his God given authority over you and your family.

If however, your husband is truly acting in controlling or unloving ways towards you, first examine if you have been a disrespectful or unloving wife toward him. Make sure you have made your own heart right with God first.

Once you have examined yourself, and have addressed any failings you have had toward your husband, try to address the situation with him in a private, and in a very respectful manner. If you are being physically abused –get out and try to get help for him. If he will not change, I do not believe you are bound to him in this case. If he is not physically abusive, but refuses to change, you need to pray for God’s grace and give your husband to God.

You are not the first wife to deal with an unkind or cruel husband, and you will not be the last. Our unchristian world says “leave the bum” if he treats you in unkind way. The Bible says to love him even more, and maybe, just maybe you may win his heart to Christ.

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36 thoughts on “How a Christian wife should handle a controlling husband

  1. Pingback: Does the Bible allow for a woman to be President of the United States? | Biblical Gender Roles

  2. Pingback: Remembrance and Forgiveness helps to get us through the hard times in marriage | Biblical Gender Roles

  3. “These behaviors are NOT wrong or controlling for a husband from a Biblical worldview:
    1.He completely controls the finances, even money his wife may earn, and gives her a weekly allowance for groceries, clothing and things that she or the children may need.”

    As a woman recently divorced from a controlling and verbally/emotionally (not a form of abuse you discussed), this is NOT always true. What about when the husband, taking control of all family finances, is irresponsible and selfish – putting his needs in front of the rest of the family – and puts the family in financial ruin? I hardly believe God condones this!

  4. Heathro,

    God hates divorce. But I believe that God also knows it is a necessary evil because of sin(both on the part of wives and husbands). Christians will disagree amongst themselves as to the reasons God allows for divorce. I believe that the case you describe with him running the family into financial ruin might qualify as a reason for divorce and here is why:

    “If he takes an additional wife, he must not reduce the food, clothing, or marital rights of the first wife. And if he does not do these three things for her, she may leave free of charge, without any exchange of money.” – Exodus 21:10-11(HCSB)

    A husband has a solemn duty as part of his marriage commitment, to provide for the needs of his wife and family. If he fails to do so, he has broken the marriage covenant and I believe the woman is free to divorce him.

  5. Is there anywhere in the Bible and Scripture that talks about a woman being a president and if so what does it say

  6. My question isn’t from what’s already on the page. Does the bible have a scripture where Jesus tells that a woman will be picked for the President and what are future holds if she is picked

  7. “Physical abuse does not have to be tolerated. Contrary to what some Christians have taught, if he is physically abusing you – you do not have to stay and take that. The Bible commanded (Exodus 21:27) that slaves had to be freed by their masters if they caused any serious physical damage to their slaves. This would be no less for a wife who is physically abused by her husband, as a wife had more rights than a slave. A wife has the right to be released from a husband who physically abuses her.”
    What constitutes “physical abuse?”
    I would agree that punching, heavily striking, hitting her face, breasts, belly are without question physical abuse.
    The Bible does not give us a single instruction to use physical force on our wives. Naturally if she is abusing a child, attacking him, he may intervene and restrain or defend, or if she is about to step in front of a car, but as far as disciplinary striking – spanking, paddling, we have no command, counsel or example in the Bible.
    The only blows by a man on a member of his own family we have mentioned are the “rod” on the back of a son or a slave. And those blows are not to inflict injury.
    Even the “CDD” people teach that a man must have his wife’s permission, that if she refuses to submit, it is between her and God, not something for him to impose on her by force.
    Nothing is mentioned about the husband of a “brawling” wife forcing her over his knee and spanking her. He just moves to the housetop.
    Of course, women could not get away with rebellion and brawling against their husbands without support from the civil government. In a former era, men who physically subdued their wives who were being “impossible” were supported by their churches, communities and the civil authorities. Men who actually beat, punched and injured their wives were put in the stocks, whipped or, if that didn’t work, jailed. Now such women are drugged. Or divorced.

  8. I have a friend who has a controlling husband. He’s very strict but at the same time I think he is doing what he feels is best for his family. He’s a loving provider. However, my friend omits things or tells partial truths to keep him from getting upset. It’s easy for her to get away with this because he works off (out of state) about half of the year. She had a fender bender and didn’t tell him about it until he got home. She allowed her son to marry his wife in secret so that the son could continue to mooch off the dad by using dads car after the dad told the son he had to buy the car when he got married. She is currently allowing a 19 yo woman to “stay” with her son and his wife who live with them because the girls father is on drugs really bad. My friend’s husband knows nothing about this. Is it ok to lie and omit like this when your husband is overly controlling about things?

  9. Stacie,

    Omitting a fender bender when your husband is out of state so he won’t worry is one thing. But a wife allowing her son to marry a girl in secret against the father’s wishes that he had to buy the car when he got married is an example of rebellion on the part of the mother. She should not be making these kinds of major decisions – these are for her husband to make. That is not him being controlling – that is him leading.

    I understand it is hard sometimes when a man works out of state a lot or in the military away on active duty. Sometimes wives have to make decisions in these cases because there is no way to get a hold of their husband and a decision must be made. But if a wife knows what her husbands polices were and she purposefully changes them while he is away that is a sinful act of rebellion on her part.

  10. Re: Stacie
    Isn’t Stacie’s husband in sin by choosing a job that takes him away from her and their children for six months at a time? Does Stacie’s friend profess to be a Christian? Does Stacie’s friend’s husband profess to be a Christian?
    Unless he has been conscripted (kidnapped) by the military and forcibly kept from his family, is he not neglecting his wife? His children don’t have a father for six months at a time. They will be grown before the father realizes it. His children are half-orphans.
    The insubordination of Stacie and their son wouldn’t have had an opportunity to arise if Hubby hadn’t been away like this.

  11. Gerry,

    There may be some neglect issues on his part? But I would have to know more about his job and why he must be gone for such long periods. But his sin of neglect does not excuse her sin of subordination and rebellion.

  12. BGR:
    “I would have to know more about his job and why he must be gone for such long periods.”
    What justification can there be? His job is requiring him to neglect – abandon – his family for months at a time. Is he a conscript (draftee)? The US does have a sort of draft: calling reservists back to active. Is he in prison?
    Women are not designed to go it alone. They need the supervision of a man. No slight on women; men likewise need supervision by men, especially if they are not conscious of God.
    Eve got into trouble due in part to Adam’s neglect in letting her traipse around to lust after the forbidden fruit, and to consult with a lawyer and follow his free advice (free legal advice is worth every shekel you pay for it), which was calculated to generate more business, paying business paying in souls.
    The first commandment was “be fruitful and multiply.” But rather than obey, Adam couldn’t be bothered until after they had been evicted. No excuse, “I couldn’t find it.” “It” was in plain view.

    “But his sin of neglect does not excuse her sin of INsubordination and rebellion.”
    No, it doesn’t. Just as a man unjustly divorcing his wife doesn’t justify her taking up with another man.

  13. What about a Christian man handling a controlling wife? More specifically, being a friend to that person. My husband hasn’t hung out with his best friend, just one on one, in a year (and before that it was few and far between) because his wife always seems to have a last minute freak out before guys night out…. that he doesn’t do enough around the house or they spent too much money that week or he didn’t complete the project she gave him. We are at a loss.

  14. Bridey,

    Sounds like the husband you describes needs to learn this phrase and use it often with his wife – “You will be fine, I am going out with my friend. I will get to it when I get to it.”

    Another great phrase to use as a husband is “This is not really about ABC, it is just about you being upset with me”.

  15. I’m battling with this…and feel like my husband is being controlling but he says he’s will within the confines of the scriptures so he’s not. Some examples he scolds me like a child when I 1) bought a dress a few days before an event instead of two weeks, 2) set up a play date in 3 weeks instead of 1-2 3) tells me how to dress, how to wear my hair 4) that I can’t visit a friend in another state… and then he says things like if I don’t want meatloaf on Mondays because I just don’t want it, I’m the head of the household so just deal with it. Is this controlling or do I have a “spirit of feminism?”

  16. Sherri,

    Sometimes husbands may come off as being harsh in the same way that parents may come off as harsh with their children. Your husband might not always be right in the way he says things to you. Also he may be one of those people who likes things done way of ahead of time where as other people(like me and perhaps you) do things more at the last minute.

    The thing to understand though is that as a wife God wants you to in essence “mold yourself” to how your husband operates. If he likes things done way ahead of time then do that.

    Sherri – the Bible says to submit to your husband in “everything”(Ephesians 5:24). I know that is daunting for most Christian women when they first read and understand the gravity of that statement. Now from the husband’s perspective I tell men all the time to cut their wives some slack and remember to show them grace and mercy and to be flexible. But from your perspective as a wife even if your husband is not being as flexible as he should be on some things you need to submit to him.

    He has the right to tell you how he likes you to dress, keep you hair, what friends you can visit and what he wants for dinner.

    None of these things are wrong from a Biblical perspective of the relationship of a husband to his wife. Now perhaps the way he goes about it he could do in a more gentle and loving way.

  17. please is there anyway you could provide me with biblical references and scriptures for all 10 points you made above, that explain how a christian man is not abusive (as the world sees it), when leading (as his God-given right) his wife. or how he relate to his wife in marital issues?

    i would love to study them for the facts they are and not just an interpretation.

  18. I’m so happy that I read this blog.love have discovered that my husband is not that bad and I’ll pray for him

  19. Afia,

    While the Bible does not address every particular situation in life, it does give us principles that we can apply to every situation in life. Below are the 10 points I gave that are not controlling actions but are within the rights and responsibilities of a Christian husband:

    1. He completely controls the finances, even money his wife may earn, and gives her a weekly allowance for groceries, clothing and things that she or the children may need.
    Scriptures:

    “22 Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord.
    23 For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the saviour of the body.
    24 Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing.” – Ephesians 5:22-24 (KJV)

    A woman’s submission to her husband is TOTAL. It is the most encompassing of human authority relationships. Aside from him telling her to do something sinful she is to have all areas of her life in in submission to him in the same way she is to have all areas of her life in submission to God.

    2. He sets the discipline polices and rules for the children.
    In addition to the Ephesians 5:22-24 rule we already mentioned we also have other passages like these will demonstrate that the father is the lead in disciplining the children:

    “4 And, ye fathers, provoke not your children to wrath: but bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord.” – Ephesians 6:4 (KJV)
    “9 Furthermore we have had fathers of our flesh which corrected us, and we gave them reverence: shall we not much rather be in subjection unto the Father of spirits, and live?” – Hebrews 12:9 (KJV)

    The mother also disciplines the children as we see in this passage:

    “My son, hear the instruction of thy father, and forsake not the law of thy mother” – Proverbs 1:8 (KJV)

    But a mother’s discipline is done under the authority of the father and she is not quarrel with him but instead submit to his decisions in these matters as in all other matters.

    “It is better to dwell in the wilderness, than with a contentious and an angry woman.” – Proverbs 21:19 (KJV)

    3. He determines where the family goes to church.
    In addition to the Ephesians 5:22-24 principle that a wife is to submit to her husband in all areas of her life we see here that Paul is backing up this principle of the husband’s spiritual leadership:

    “34 Let your women keep silence in the churches: for it is not permitted unto them to speak; but they are commanded to be under obedience as also saith the law.
    35 And if they will learn any thing, let them ask their husbands at home: for it is a shame for women to speak in the church.” – I Corinthians 14:34-35 (KJV)

    4. While he allows his wife to express her opinions on all manner of subjects privately with him, he determines the public family opinions on religion and politics. He determines what the children will be taught from a religious, social and political viewpoint. He also teaches his wife from the Word of God. He does not always expect that his wife will agree with his interpretations, but he expects her to have a teachable spirit and respect for his right as her husband to teach her the Word of God.

    Again the Ephesians 5:22-24 Principle of total submission in all areas of life backs up this statement above. In addition though to this we find the Proverbs 12:4 principle that a wife always brings honor to her husband especially in public situations and she would never say or do anything that would bring shame to him. Disagreeing with him in public is type of shaming to him.
    “A virtuous woman is a crown to her husband: but she that maketh ashamed is as rottenness in his bones.” – Proverbs 12:4 (KJV)

    5. He expects his wife to fulfill her duties as a wife, including having sex with him and caring for their home and their children.
    In addition to Ephesians 5:22-24 of the total submission of a wife to her husband in all areas of her life we have these passages that also enforce these duties mentioned:

    “4 That they may teach the young women to be sober, to love their husbands, to love their children,
    5 To be discreet, chaste, keepers at home, good, obedient to their own husbands, that the word of God be not blasphemed.” – Titus 2:4-5 (KJV)

    6. He expects his wife not to disagree with him in public, but that she will keep her disagreements for private discussions with him. Even when she disagrees in private, he expects her to do so in respectful manner.
    Again the Ephesians 5:22-24 and Proverbs 12:4 principles would back up this principle.

    7. He expects his wife to be respectful of other men as well, especially in mixed gender gatherings. He expects that his wife will not correct other men, or be too opinionated in the presence of other men.
    The reason that God commanded that women wear head coverings in church whether they were married or single was to demonstrate their submission to the fact that God has placed man over woman in all of his creation – not just in marriage.

    “3 But I would have you know, that the head of every man is Christ; and the head of the woman is the man; and the head of Christ is God…10 For this cause ought the woman to have power on her head because of the angels.” – I Corinthians 11:3 & 10(KJV)

    8. While his wife may be courteous with other men, he expects that his wife will never ever flirt with another man. While his wife may communicate with other men in his presence, he expects that his wife will never have a private friendship with any man other than her male relatives (father, brothers).

    “3 Likewise, ye wives, be in subjection to your own husbands; that, if any obey not the word, they also may without the word be won by the conversation of the wives; 2 While they behold your chaste conversation coupled with fear.” – I Peter 3:1-2 (KJV)

    A wife is to have “chaste conversation” or literally “pure behavior” with “fear” or literally “reverence”. If a wife is speaking to other men in inappropriate or impure ways this is the exact opposite of what God commands for wives.

    9. While his wife may find other men attractive, he expects her not to gawk or act in an unladylike manner toward other men.
    Apply I Peter 3:1-2 Principle here as well.

    10. While a husband should allow his wife to have lady friends with whom she can share her feelings and have a bond in a way only women can, he also has the right to restrict her from certain women whom he feels are a negative influence on his wife.
    The Ephesians 5:22-24 principle applies here that a wife must be in total submission to her husband in all areas of her life including the friends she goes out with.
    I Peter 3:5-6 builds on this principle when the Apostle Peter writes:

    “5 For after this manner in the old time the holy women also, who trusted in God, adorned themselves, being in subjection unto their own husbands:
    6 Even as Sara obeyed Abraham, calling him lord: whose daughters ye are, as long as ye do well, and are not afraid with any amazement.”

    And incidentally the word “obeyed” from “Sara obeyed Abraham” is the exact same Greek word as “obey” found in this passage:
    “Children, obey your parents in the Lord: for this is right.” – Ephesians 6:1 (KJV)

    So while the husband wife relationship is different than the parent child relationship, there is much crossover between the two. In EXACTLY the same way that children are to obey their parents wives are commanded to obey their husbands.

  20. Do you believe Hilary Clinton should be president? What about Trump? Which is the lesser of two evils? I want to vote for the one that Will honor God.

  21. So even though my husband acts like a man-child, playing video games all day while I work 12 hours a day to pay all of our bills, I’m supposed to allow my husband to dictate how “our” money is spent?

    I really believe that feminism, which I detest, is a result of men NOT doing any of these biblically centered things that a wife needs. I would say we have an epedimic of men not loving their wives, not being willing to give themselves for her, or even five minutes of selflessness without behaving like they are victims. How is a wife not going to be upset with her husband when she is the only one in the relationship that is owning the responsibilities?

    Thank God we don’t have kids.

  22. KW,

    Your Question:

    “So even though my husband acts like a man-child, playing video games all day while I work 12 hours a day to pay all of our bills, I’m supposed to allow my husband to dictate how “our” money is spent?”

    KW – I know of men personally who have done exactly what you are describing. Playing video games on the couch while sending their wives out to work. This is appalling and unacceptable to God. So in this situation you have these two choices Biblically speaking:

    1. The Bible tells us that if a woman is not provided for by her husband she may be freed from him(divorced from him). So you can exercise this right to divorce him. Before you do that please read this post I wrote about a woman whose story was not much different than yours.
    https://biblicalgenderroles.com/2016/04/01/4-steps-to-dealing-with-a-lazy-and-fraudulent-husband/

    2. The second choice you have is to stay and fully submit to your husband even though he is being lazy and not providing for you as he should be.

    The option you do not have is to stay in the marriage but refuse to submit to him because of his sinful behavior. God does not give you that option. Your two choices are leave(be freed from the marriage in divorce) or stay and submit.

    Please read that article I gave above, pray about it and seek the Lord’s wisdom.

    May God be with you in this difficult choice.

  23. “If you are being physically abused –get out and try to get help for him. If he will not change, I do not believe you are bound to him in this case.”
    It is not clear to me what you mean by “bound.” The Scripture is clear that a wife is bound to her husband for as long as he lives. If she leaves him because he drives her out, physically abusing her and/or their children, or failing to provide her and them with basic food and drink, clothing and shelter, or refusing to engage in sexual intercourse with her, she must be as single, unmarried. If she has sexual activity with another, she shall be called an adulteress.
    If he does not drive her out, rather leaves and abandons her and/or children, she is not obliged to follow him and try to cohabit with him. If this is what you mean by “bound,” I agree. But if you mean what most do, that her marriage is dissolved or voidable, leaving her free to marry another, this is what is disallowed by the holy Spirit via the pen of Paul.

  24. What am I supposed to do or say while waiting for the Lord to reveal his answer to me in my marriage if my wife separated from me a year ago, and since then she’s cheated on me and now wants a divorce? We were both verbally abusive and we did bicker and argue but nothing crazy. It wasn’t my first serious relationship but it was her first relationship as she never dated.. just had a lot of not so pleasant memories for me to mention but we both had a wild past but I am madly in love with her and I don’t think I’m overprotective..

    but I know what God wants from me as far as protecting her from friends who will stray her away from God and the church and get her back into drinking, smoking, boys. I’ve tried talking to her calmly, reading scripture but she always dismisses me and says God is telling her she needs this divorce because she’s tried for 6 years. I’m crushed because she makes it seem like she catered to me and I did nothing at all or I didn’t even acknowledge her. She says she’s never felt good enough but when she met me she said I was the only one who’s shown love, paid attention to her every need..

    I don’t know. I’m scared she’s just over me and wants to seek the world for “something better” and I don’t think I’m better than any other guy or anyone else is better than me. I’m confident.. but I also don’t know how to keep my emotions in check when someone brings me down like that. I just feel disrespected and I feel like she’s not trying as much anymore. She’s even found a different church even though she introduced me to the church I go to now and it’s been 6 years where as for her she’s been going there for 13-14 years but all of the sudden she’s.. she’s just a different person who’s giving up on hope.

    I mean I’ll continue to pray for her and allow God to do work in this so that I don’t have to continue to force her to stay with me because I don’t want that and I know that sort of thing probably won’t fly with God. I just don’t know how to lead her spiritually and allow her to understand that all I am trying to say is I believe God is telling us we need to come together united as a married couple and praying for His plans for us to come together and serve Him first and Love Him first before putting each others needs before Him and I know that God can make this marriage even more amazing if it is His will.

    You don’t just divorce your spouse because “It got too difficult with the fighting and lack of communication” which by the way I know not all women are like this and I will not be saying anything that is not Christ like but she wrote in her journal the whole 6 years without any verbal communication about expressing herself where as I am really vocal and once you get me going I will open up to you especially if I can trust you with every little part of me.

    I feel like I gave her my all and she only gave bits and pieces. I’m scared to Love again if this doesn’t work out. I’m honestly terrified of women because they’ve left me feeling empty and every broken relationship I’ve had I strayed away from God and went over the edge completely. I just figured this time it was different because she was all about God and church and I don’t know =/

  25. Danielson,

    I am sorry about the difficult time you have faced with your wife. But it appears to me from reading your story that you both have lead your lives by following your emotions. It appears to me that either from the beginning or at some point over your relationship you allowed your wife’s approval and love for you to become your idol.

    These phrases prove how emotionally based your marriage has been:

    “I am madly in love with her”

    “I’m crushed because she makes it seem like she catered to me and I did nothing at all or I didn’t even acknowledge her. She says she’s never felt good enough but when she met me she said I was the only one who’s shown love, paid attention to her every need.”

    “I’m scared she’s just over me”

    The phrase “paid attention to her every need” drew my attention. I wonder what she consider was a need and what God considers is a need? I would guess that what is really meant is her every “desire”. God did not intend for a man to wait on his wife hand and foot and follow her around like a puppy dog hoping to earn her affection. If you do as this as a husband – it will never be enough and in the process you will actually loose your wife’s respect. A woman want a strong man – not a man who follows her around looking to please her like a puppy.

    You have a rebellious wife that has left you.

    So here is the answer to your question:”What am I supposed to do or say while waiting for the Lord to reveal his answer to me in my marriage if my wife separated from me a year ago, and since then she’s cheated on me and now wants a divorce?”

    The answer my friend is do as God did with Israel:

    “And I saw, when for all the causes whereby backsliding Israel committed adultery I had put her away, and given her a bill of divorce; yet her treacherous sister Judah feared not, but went and played the harlot also.”

    Jeremiah 3:8 (KJV)

    After disciplining Israel and continually calling her to repent – God eventually divorced her.

    You need to move on with your life – your life does not hinge on this woman. Yes you still have feelings for her and it will take some time to get over those feelings. But you must move forward with your life. Stand up – be strong and be a man.

    It sounds like you lived for your wife’s happiness.

    But when she sinfully decided that what you were doing was not enough and she had “tried” to make it work, yet left you, your world fell apart. It is human. Both men and women can be lead astray by their emotions.

    You need to realize that a good marriage cannot have feelings as it’s basis. Feelings are the weakest foundation for marriage. Commitment is the strongest foundation because it can weather any storm.

  26. @Danielson,

    Adding on to what BGR said, that commitment has to be mutual, at least to the extent that both the husband and the wife agree to uphold the most basic tenants of their marriage. You may want to keep trying to keep honoring your commitment, but your wife has abandoned her part of that commitment by abandoning you and by committing adultery.

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