Should you tell your girlfriend or wife you look at porn?

The answer most men would say is NO WAY! The answer that most women would say is “Yes you should, but you should admit it is wrong and stop looking at it!”

Dr. David Ley, a Clinical Psychologist suggests the following approach:

“But, if you are a man who likes sex, and likes porn, is that something you’ve ever really owned? I’m sad to say that our society has not taught men how to identify and negotiate their sexual desires or needs. We treat sex like a dirty secret. Then, when men get caught, they feed into that dirty secret mentality, and treat sex like it’s the problem.

Those other men, who like sex, watch porn, and don’t get in trouble – How do they do that? One thing is that they understand themselves, and their desires. Sometimes, they sit down with their wives and girlfriends and have a real, open discussion about their use of porn, their interest in it, and what it means, and doesn’t mean, about their attraction to and interest in their partner. That’s a hard, scary discussion (and not one for the first date, please), because it requires a man to stand up for himself and his sexual desires, to be willing to negotiate for those needs, to be willing to compromise, but stay true to himself, while asking for the same in return.”

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/women-who-stray/201305/porn-is-not-the-problem-you-are

Our culture has a very hostile view toward male sexuality to say the least.  “Men are shallow; men are pigs” is a common statement used in our culture.  Men are told that they need to have more holistic and relational view of sex and they should regard their visual and physical sexual nature as more animalistic and not fit for our modern society.

This is not to say a hostile view toward masculine sexuality is new – it has been around for almost two thousand years since the birth of Christian Asceticism after the Apostles died.  Christian Asceticism was a false belief system that grew up in the early church and it taught that all worldly pleasures were evil. Whether it was taking pleasure from eating food or even taking pleasure from sex with your spouse.  Many of the early Christian ascetics believed sex was nothing more than a necessary evil for the production of children.

This Christian Asceticism became dominant throughout western culture and even in America until just the last half century during the sexual revolution when sexual arousal was no longer deemed as dangerous and evil anymore.

And while I agree with other Christians that many evil philosophies and behaviors came out of the sexual revolution of the 60s and 70s I would also contend that some good changes regarding our culture’s view of sex came from this era.

Sex no longer was a taboo subject to speak of and sexual arousal was no longer automatically associated with evil and immoral behavior. Both men and women could finally admit that they both enjoyed sex and experienced sexual arousal.

This freedom to talk about sex allowed some Christians to remember that there was an entire book of the Bible, the Song of Solomon, that talks about physical pleasures of sex.

But another movement, a secular movement, had already begun attacking male sexuality from a different angle than Christian Asceticism had for centuries.  Feminism began to attack male sexuality from the perspective that it objectified women as sex objects.

Remnants of Christian Asceticism still exist in our churches and in our culture and feminism is as strong as it ever was.  These two ideologies while attacking from different angles create a hostile environment for men in exercising their God given male sexuality.

Some people may say “I don’t see any hostile environment toward male sexuality – look at all the sexual content in TV shows, ads and movies not to mention the pornography that is so rampant.  Doesn’t look like a hostile environment to male sexuality to me!”

Well if you were having that thought or a thought like it let me ask you some simple questions. Are men made to feel ok that they enjoy the sight of that busty woman on that beer commercial? Are men made to feel ok if they are aroused by a beautiful woman in a movie or television show? Are men made to feel ok that they are drawn to pornography? The answer to all these questions in many social circles is still NO.  I refer you back a statement that is often thrown at men to discourage their sexual nature – “Men are shallow; men are pigs”.

So it is this hostile environment toward male sexuality that men must learn to navigate.

Unless you are absolutely 100% certain that the woman you are dating or are married to does not believe porn is immoral and does not see it as disgusting and a threat to your relationship you should NEVER EVER speak of this with her.

The Bible says this:

“27 He that hath knowledge spareth his words: and a man of understanding is of an excellent spirit. 28 Even a fool, when he holdeth his peace, is counted wise: and he that shutteth his lips is esteemed a man of understanding.”

Proverbs 17:27-29 (KJV)

The next question you are going to ask is “How can I know 100% for certain my wife’s view of porn?” Short of your wife asking you to watch a porn movie with her you may never know. And please don’t believe the surveys that say crazy things like 70 percent of women enjoy watching porn and think you have a 70 percent chance of your wife thinking your porn habit is a good thing. The reality that a very small fraction of women enjoy watching porn will set in very quickly when your girlfriend or your wife calls you a pervert and she may never look at you the same again.

Also don’t fall for the false hope that if your wife is not hard on another man about his porn use (such her brother or her father) that this means she is somehow ok with her boyfriend or husband looking at porn because she may not be. Many women entertain the fantasy that their man is not like other men.  “He would never look at that filth” they tell themselves.

The next question is what if the subject of porn comes up on TV or elsewhere and she says “You don’t look at porn right?”

Your answer to that question should be a confident “No honey, I have never been into that. I have known guys that were but I am not one of them.”

But wait that is a lie and Christians are never supposed to lie right?

I have talked about this before in my article “Should a Christian wife “fake it”?” in regard to women sometimes faking orgasms or other sexual pleasure with their husbands:

“Lying is not always wrong in God’s eyes, in the same way that killing is not always wrong. If a person is killed because of just punishment by the state, or solider is killed in battle or someone is killed in an act of self-defense there is no sin it.   But if we kill someone out of selfishness or hate or for other sinful reasons, then it becomes murder and therefore the killing in that instance is sin.”

https://biblicalgenderroles.com/2015/10/18/should-a-christian-wife-fake-it/

I then gave examples of the Hebrew Midwives who lied to protect Hebrew baby boys from being murdered and Rahab who lied to protect the Hebrew spies.

What did both these lies have in common? They were about protecting the greater good. Most lying is wrong because it is either lying just for the sake of lying or it is lying to cover up a sin that someone has done (whether it is the wrong of that person lying, or someone else’s wrong). Sometimes people lie to profit themselves in business. Other times people lie about things they are ashamed of.

But let me give you some examples of lying that are about protection and not covering up of wrong doing or lying simply for the sake of lying:

  1. Your three-year-old child is child asks you at the funeral of his favorite grandfather who was an avowed atheist “Is grandpa in heaven with God now?” do you tell him “No he is burning in hell” or do you tell him “Yes” knowing this is lie because at his age and maturity he will not be able to process this?
  2. You are having sex with your wife in your bedroom and you forgot to lock the bedroom door and your same three-year-old child walks in on you having sex under the covers. He asks what you are doing are going to tell him the truth?
  3. Your wife asks you if you think she is prettier than a certain woman and you don’t think that – do you tell her the truth “No you are not as pretty as her”?
  4. If you are on your second marriage either due to you first wife dying or because you divorced your first wife and your second wife asks if you she is as good in bed as your first wife and she is not do you tell her “No my first wife was way better than you bed?”
  5. Let’s say a husband comes home in a drunken rage as he has many times before and he beats his wife bloody. In the morning when he is leaving to go to work he tells his wife he is sorry for beating her again and asks her “Will you be here when I get home?” – should she risk further injury to herself and tell him “No will be packing my bags and leaving for my own protection” knowing he might just beat her to death right there? Or should she lie to him and tell him “Sure honey I will still be here.”?

 

All the scenarios I just mentioned that call for lying have to do with different kinds of protection. In the first scenario you are lying to protect your child’s feelings from something they cannot process. In the second example again you are protecting your child’s mind from something they are not yet ready to understand.

In the third and fourth examples you are protecting your wife’s feelings. And in the fifth example a woman is lying to protect herself from further physical abuse.

So when you lie to your wife about the fact that you watch and enjoy porn who is this protecting and what is it protecting from?

As I have said in a previous post “10 Hard Truths that Christian wives must accept about their husband’s and porn” women do not have the Biblical right to divorce their husbands, deny them sex, call them names (like pervert), disobey them or otherwise harass them because of their porn habits. A husband is not accountable to his wife in this area, but rather he is accountable to God.

He is responsible to love his wife by leading his wife, protecting his wife (sometimes from her own foolish actions) and provide for his wife.  He is also to make his body sexually available to his to meet her needs.  So if a husband is not sexually denying his wife access to his body because of his porn habits and he is doing all these other things for her she has no right to act out, lash out, threaten divorce or otherwise disrupt the harmony of their home.

The reality is most Christian women act as if their husbands are accountable to them if they look at porn regardless of if they are doing all the required duties of a husband toward his wife. There are women that have wonderful sex lives with their husbands, are well provide for and they are married to good and decent men and one day they discover their husband is looking at porn and they absolutely lose their minds.

They either contemplate divorce, or at the very least shaming him, belittling him and denying him sexually.  All of these actions are not the result of spirit lead actions on the part of the wife, but rather they are related to her fleshly selfish center that wants her husband to focus all his sexual thoughts and energy solely on her.

A woman’s spirit may agree with the Scriptures which state “Neither was the man created for the woman; but the woman for the man.” (I Corinthians 11:9) but her flesh tells her “he was made for me and to make me the focus of his life”.  A woman’s fleshly desire to control her husband started back in the garden of Eden:

“16 Unto the woman he said, I will greatly multiply thy sorrow and thy conception; in sorrow thou shalt bring forth children; and thy desire shall be to thy husband, and he shall rule over thee.”

Genesis 3:16 (KJV)

The context of his Hebrew word for desire is not a sexual desire as it is in Song of Solomon 7:10 but rather it is a desire to control as seen in Genesis 4:7:

“7 If thou doest well, shalt thou not be accepted? and if thou doest not well, sin lieth at the door. And unto thee shall be his desire, and thou shalt rule over him.”

In Genesis 4:7 God uses an almost identical phrase to what he told Eve after her and Adam sinned. God is telling Cain that sin desires to control him, but instead he must rule over his sin nature.

That is why the NLT rightly translates Genesis 3:16 in this way:

16 Then he said to the woman, “I will sharpen the pain of your pregnancy, and in pain you will give birth. And you will desire to control your husband, but he will rule over you.”

Now we will answer the original question about who are you protecting  and what you are protecting from when you lie to your wife about the fact that you view and enjoy porn.

You are protecting yourself against her possible sinful responses to you doing something she disagrees with that there is no sin in your doing. If you have children you are also protecting them from their mother’s irrational and sinful actions that may cause your family to split up.

At some point your wife may find out that you look at porn and act out in the sinful ways I have previously described.  But there is nothing wrong in you lying to her to at least attempt to stop that from happening.

Why not just stop looking at porn and avoid the whole mess?

Some men have chosen this route even though they believe looking at porn is not wrong to avoid the catastrophe that their wives may rain down on them and their family if they find out. And that is a fine choice if you can stop looking at porn and at the same time avoid sexual temptation to have sex outside of marriage.

But this is a very unwise move if you are married to a woman who is sexually frigid, routinely denies you or if you simply find yourself constantly tempted because of a higher sex drive. If you do not process and exercise your sexual needs in a healthy way, then you may fall into actual sexual sin by having sex outside of marriage with another woman.

Remember what I have said in previous articles about “a way to escape”.

“There hath no temptation taken you but such as is common to man: but God is faithful, who will not suffer you to be tempted above that ye are able; but will with the temptation also make a way to escape, that ye may be able to bear it.”

1 Corinthians 10:13 (KJV)

The fact is that sexual fantasy and masturbation, whether through the use of porn or other means is “a way to escape” the temptation to have sex outside of marriage.

If you as a man take the suppression route and simply try to ignore and suppress you sexual needs by not viewing porn or masturbating you may one day find yourself in bed with a woman not your wife.  Then you will look back and ask yourself why you did not use the “way to escape” this temptation to sin that God gave you.

Christian blogger says porn use is good for Christians