7 Biblical Principles for how to dress as a Christian woman

Beautiful summery girl

Does God care about how you as a Christian women dress? Does the Bible provide guidelines for how a Christian woman should dress?

If you are looking for an exact dress code, down to lengths of clothing and what parts of your body must be covered when and where you will find no such thing in the Bible. However, if you are looking for Biblical principles that can guide you as Christian a woman in how to dress the Bible does give these principles.

Here are some Biblical principles for women’s dress that should guide you as you select your clothing, whether it is when you purchase it, or when you are choosing when to wear it.

Principle #1 – Your physical beauty is symbolic of the spiritual beauty of the Church

Your beauty is symbolic of the beauty of the church.

Psalm 45 which is a messianic prophecy of Christ and the Church says this:

“So shall the king greatly desire thy beauty: for he is thy Lord; and worship thou him…The king’s daughter is all glorious within: her clothing is of wrought gold. She shall be brought unto the king in raiment of needlework…” -Psalm 45:13-14(KJV)

In Ephesians 5, where Paul talks about marriage being symbolic of the relationship of Christ to his Church he writes:

“Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it; That he might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word, That he might present it to himself a glorious church, not having spot, or wrinkle, or any such thing; but that it should be holy and without blemish.” – Ephesians 5:25-27(KJV)

Just as God wants his Church to be glorious, without spot or wrinkle, and without blemish, so too a woman should keep up her appearance, not only for her husband if she is married, but also out of respect for the symbolism for which God designed her.

So when you as a woman dress, you should accentuate your beauty knowing that your physical beauty, is symbolic of the spiritual beauty of Christ’s Bride, the Church. You dress first and foremost to please God and to show the beauty of his creation – which is you!

Principle #2 – You should dress appropriately for the occasion

Contrary to the modern meaning of modesty, the Biblical meaning of a woman dressing modestly means that women are to dress “appropriately”. Modesty is such a huge subject, and especially the interpretation of passages such as I Timothy 2:9 that I needed to write an entire separate post on the topic. You can find it here at What does Modesty mean in I Timothy 2:9.

In summary though, dressing modestly Biblically speaking does not specifically mean “not dressing in a sexual way”. It means to dress appropriately for the occasion. So while it may be perfectly acceptable for you to wear a bikini to the beach, it would not be appropriate for you to wear a bikini to a job (unless you are a life guard or a model) or to a church service.

Principle #3 – You should dress in feminine clothing

Someone should be able to look at your clothes wherever you go, and just by your clothing they should be able to tell you are a woman. Yes clothing styles change, but a woman should always look like a woman in her culture (whatever women wear) and a man should look like a man (whatever men wear).

“The woman shall not wear that which pertaineth unto a man, neither shall a man put on a woman’s garment: for all that do so are abomination unto the Lord thy God.” -Deuteronomy 22:5 (KJV)

This passage from Deuteronomy does not forbid a woman from wearing pants (yes there are some Christians who still teach this). There was a time in our culture and history where pants were strictly the purview of men, and at those times it may have been wrong for a woman to wear pants, especially when there were no pants designed especially for women. But fashions and styles do change, and women have pants now that are made and cut especially for them, and these pants are pants a man would not be caught dead in.

In Roman society, before 200 BC, men and women both wore togas. After 200 BC women began to wear stolas and only prostitutes still wore togas like men. Before 200 BC, when men and women both wore togas, the only difference may have been a colorful belt or the color of the material that would have separated a man from a woman. Even after 200 BC, peasant men and women still both wore tunics for their daily work. Only color variations or belts may have separated them.

This would be exactly the same as men and women both wearing pants today – there is no issue with this as long as the woman’s pants communicate a feminine style as we understand it in our culture.

Nice woman in a pink dress

Principle #4 – You should dress to please your husband

Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing.” – Ephesians 5:24 (KJV)

God wants women to submit to their husbands in everything.  Everything includes how you dress and how you manage your appearance as well as many other things.

When you are married, you should dress to please your husband. Find out what colors he likes on you, find out what styles he likes and try to wear those types of clothes.

This also means you should dress sexy for your husband in the appropriate circumstances. If you know your husband will be taking you out for a night on the town, why not go pick up some sexy dress to wear for him? If you doubt whether this is right or wrong, I invite you read my post I referred to earlier What does Modesty mean in I Timothy 2:9.

There is nothing wrong with you looking sexy for your husband in the appropriate circumstances, whether that is wearing lingerie for him at home, or wearing a sexy dress for a night on the town, or wearing a sexy bathing suit for a trip to beach. Your body is work of art that God has graciously gifted to your husband, and you should not be hiding your beauty.

Principle #5 – Don’t be lazy with your appearance

Yes big tee shirts and sweats are more comfortable than wearing attractive clothing. But as a Christian woman your appearance is important to God (see principle #1). If you are married, God has given you to your husband and your appearance should be (and most likely will be) important to him (see principle #4).

As believers, and specifically as a Christian woman, God wants you to do everything you can to the best of your ability. It is one thing if you are sick, or if you are doing some work around the house then your clothing might not be as attractive. But besides those limited times, a woman has duty to keep up her appearance, not only for God but also for her husband.

“Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord”

Colossians 3:23(NIV)

Modern Christian women today mock the women of the 1950’s who prided themselves in making themselves pretty before their husbands came home from work – what was wrong with that? This is what God wants from Godly Christian women.

Does this mean you have to have a dress and nylons on each day and go to the beauty salon before your husband gets home? Of course not. But what it means is making sure you have showered, that you have done your hair and maybe you have an attractive pair of jeans on with a nice shirt when you husband gets home.

You should not view this as some dreary task, but it should be looked at as a privilege and honor that is given you by God, your ability to make yourself beautiful!

Principle #6 – What others think does and does not matter

This is a very important principle for you as a Christian woman to understand.

In some cases it does matter what others think of how you are dressed. If you as a Christian woman wear the wrong clothing for the wrong occasion, it might offend others and also bring shame on Christ if they know you are a Christian.

You can wear a bikini to the beach, but if you wore it to Church others would be offended, and they would be right in being offended, because that is inappropriate attire for Church (see I Timothy 2:9).

But let’s turn the bikini situation around when you go to the beach. If you and your husband are going to the beach and you happen to be wearing a bikini, and there happens to be a family there from church they need to leave that between you and the Lord. The only exception I would say to this is if you were specifically going to the beach with a family whom you knew were opposed to bikinis, then temporarily out of respect you might not wear one in that instance.

You should not be picking dresses out for a night on the town with your husband, with the thought in your mind of “what would this person think or that person from church think if they saw me wearing this with him” – your thoughts should only be of two people, God and your husband.

God is not ashamed of your beauty, your husband is not ashamed of your beauty, and neither should you be ashamed of your beauty.

Principle #7 – Do not hide your beauty from other men for fear of causing lust

Many Christian women have since the early days of the church dressed with this idea in mind – that they cannot wear nice things for their husband or show their figure as they may cause other men to lust in doing so.  If you believe that Church tradition trumps Biblical theology, then I can’t help you. But if you understand that well-meaning men and women (even some Church fathers who came after the Apostles) added a lot of tradition to God’s Word then I can help you.

I invite you to read my post on What does the Bible say about Lust to fully understand the issue of lust from a Biblical perspective. A summary of what I said in that post is that Lust is not the same as sexual arousal.

There is no shame in a woman displaying her beauty, and there is no shame in men appreciating that beauty or even being sexually aroused by that beauty. Before you reject that premise, please read the post I just mentioned. Sin comes with how men handle their sexual arousal, or appreciation of the female form.

If he begins to think of how he can actually get you to go to bed with him (and you are not married) then those have become lustful thoughts, sexually covetous thoughts. But as a Christian woman you don’t have to go around at all time with a sheet over your entire body from head to toe as to not cause men to lust after you.

No scripture ever teaches this concept, it is completely added by the traditions of men.

Conclusion

I hope as a Christian woman you will search the Scriptures. Then discuss this respectfully with your husband. If you need to make changes, then make them. Know that God wants your best in all areas of your life, and dressing in beautiful ways appropriate to the occasion is what God has called you to. Do not hide the beautiful work of art that God has made, but display it in ways that please both God and your husband.

What does Modesty mean in I Timothy 2:9?

Standing girl in checked dress. Isolated with clipping path

I Timothy 2:9 is probably the most popular passage in all of Scripture that is taught by Christian teachers and preachers regarding how God want’s Christian women to dress.

“In like manner also, that women adorn themselves in modest apparel, with shamefacedness and sobriety; not with broided hair, or gold, or pearls, or costly array”

I Timothy 2:9 (KJV)

What is the context of I Timothy 2:9?

Some people interpret I Timothy 2:9 as applying to Christian women at all times, as opposed to being specifically targeted at how women should dress for worship and instruction in the Church Assembly. This a faulty interpretation.

One of the first rules of proper Biblical Hermeneutics (interpretation of Scripture) is to take verses within the larger context of which they are written.

I Timothy, was a letter that the Apostle Paul wrote to a young church planter who was working under him. In the beginning of I Timothy Paul writes to Timothy:

“2 Unto Timothy, my own son in the faith: Grace, mercy, and peace, from God our Father and Jesus Christ our Lord.

As I besought thee to abide still at Ephesus, when I went into Macedonia, that thou mightest charge some that they teach no other doctrine…”

I Timothy 1:2-3(KJV)

In the first chapter, Paul is encouraging to take on false teachers in the churches at Ephesus. In Chapter 2 of I Timothy, in verse 8 Paul moves to instructions for proper etiquette in worship and instruction in the Church assembly:

I will therefore that men pray every where, lifting up holy hands, without wrath and doubting.

In like manner also, that women adorn themselves in modest apparel, with shamefacedness and sobriety; not with broided hair, or gold, or pearls, or costly array;

10 But (which becometh women professing godliness) with good works.

11 Let the woman learn in silence with all subjection.

12 But I suffer not a woman to teach, nor to usurp authority over the man, but to be in silence. “

I Timothy 2:8-12(KJV)

Verse 8 is a clear jump into worship with men being told “to pray, lifting up holy hands”.

Paul’s ending of I Timothy, after giving the qualifications for Bishops and deacons, clearly gives the purpose for this entire first epistle to Timothy:

“14 These things write I unto thee, hoping to come unto thee shortly:

15 But if I tarry long, that thou mayest know how thou oughtest to behave thyself in the house of God, which is the church of the living God, the pillar and ground of the truth.”

I Timothy 3:14-15(KJV)

But what about the phrase “every where” in verse 8?

Some in order to apply all parts of I Timothy to all parts of Christian life(not just Church assembly etiquette), have attempted to use the Paul’s phrase of “ever where” to mean this equally applies inside and outside the Church assembly meetings. This is an incorrect interpretation, as this phrase is means for Church assemblies “every where”. Paul makes it clear at the end of his Epistle that this entire letter is aimed at proper etiquette in the Church, taking on false teachers, and the qualifications of Bishops and Deacons.

Four key words in I Timothy 2:9

Now that we understand the context I Timothy, as apply to Church assembly etiquette, we will look at four key words that are found in this passage.

Modest – This is an English translation of the Greek word Kosmios, which means “seemly” or “appropriate”. In modern English, most people think of a woman dressing modest as, a woman dressing in a non-sexual manner. But this was not the meaning of the original word used by the Apostle Paul. Can sexually revealing clothing be “unseemly” or “inappropriate” on a woman in certain situations? But it is not specific to sexually revealing clothing.

With the word Kosmios, Paul is telling women to wear clothing that is appropriate for the given situation.

RomanWomensClothing

Apparel – This is an English translation of the Greek word Katastole, which comes from two Greek words, Kata and Stole. This literally refers to a “complete stola”. A stola in New Testament times was a one piece robe with holes for the head and arms. A variety of stolas women might of worn are pictured above. Often times a strap would be worn around the middle below the breasts to give the stola some form around the body. Sometimes a stola had sleeves, other times it was sleeveless.

When peasant women were working they might wear tunics (like men did), similar to this:

RomanManWearingTunic

The differences would have been in the coloring or extra straps worn by women.

When playing sports some Roman women actually wore bikinis as seen in this ancient Roman painting:

RomanBikini

 

Paul had just told women to wear appropriate clothing for worship and instruction with the Greek word Kosmios. Nowwith the word Katastole, he was telling women what the proper attire for Church worship and instruction was. They were to be fully clothed, as opposed to wearing tunics they may work in, or bikinis they might have played sports in.

Those Christians who still believe it is wrong for women to wear pants (and yes they are still out there and I grew up in Churches that taught this) take the Greek word stole, which refers to the Roman Stola’s that women war, and they go its most literal meaning – which means “long and flowing”. But this is not Paul’s intention in using this word. It was simply referring to what women in that day would understand as the dress that women generally wore when they went out to meetings and gatherings, or special occasions.

Paul is not saying that Christians must be frozen in time with fashion, and literally saying Christian women must wear ancient Roman stolas. If we take it that literally, then men can’t wear pants either, because men back in Paul’s day wore tunics and togas.

All Paul is saying is, it is appropriate and proper for a woman to be fully clothed and covered for Church gatherings.

Shamefacedness – this is an English translation of the Greek word Aidos, which means to show honor, respect or reverence to others. With Aidos, Paul was saying the attitude of a woman’s dress in the Church services was to be one of reverence for God, and respect for others.

Sobriety – this is an English translation of the Greek word Sophrosune, which means self-control. With Sophrosune, Paul was saying woman needed to dress for Church services in a way that showed self-control.

Is Paul forbidding women to have “broided hair, or gold, or pearls, or costly array”?

Paul is not saying it is wrong for Christian woman to have nice hair, jewelry or dresses. What he is saying is, the Church assembly should not turn into a fashion show. Unfortunately in many of our modern Churches today – that is just the case. Paul is not saying women cannot wear nice Sunday dresses, he is just saying women should not go overboard or be trying to compete with one another in what they wear for worship.

So if we take I Timothy 2:9 in its full context, understanding the key phrases in it, this is what Paul was trying to tell us:

“I want men in all church assemblies everywhere to lift up holy hands, and do not be angry and doubt. In these same church assemblies, I want women to wear clothing that is appropriate for Church worship and instruction. Women should be fully clothed, in clothing that shows respect and self-control when they come for worship and instruction. I don’t want you to turn the church assembly into a fashion show with broided hair, fancy jewelry and costly clothing. I am writing all this to you so you will know how to behave when the church is assembled for worship and instruction.”

There is one other place where the Apostle Peter mentions “braiding the hair, and wearing gold jewelry, or putting on dresses”:

“In the same way, you wives, be submissive to your own husbands so that even if any of them are disobedient to the word, they may be won without a word by the behavior of their wives, 2 as they observe your chaste and respectful behavior. 3 Your adornment must not be merely external—braiding the hair, and wearing gold jewelry, or putting on dresses; 4 but let it be the hidden person of the heart, with the imperishable quality of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is precious in the sight of God.”

I Peter 3:1-4(NASB)

Here Peter makes a similar statement about women’s adornment. The word here translated as “dresses” in the NASB (and “apparel” in the KJV) comes from the Greek word Himation.  Himation simply refers to garments in general. It is a term that could apply to women or men’s garments depending on the context.

The context of I Peter 3:1-4 is not behavior specific to the Church assembly (as I Timothy is) but this is just talking about the general behavior of women as they go about their daily lives. This is not telling women that you cannot have your hair done, or wear jewelry or put on dresses. Even though the word “merely” is not in the original Greek, the NASB correctly adds this for emphasis as to what Peter is saying.

It is interesting to note there is no mention here of “Katastole,” referring to the more full and formal dress that Paul spoke of for women to wear in the Church assembly in I Timothy 2:9. Instead Peter refers simply to garments here.

Peter is saying a woman’s inner beauty is just as important as her outer beauty. Some Christians historically have incorrectly interpreted this passage as well as I Timothy 2 to say Christian women cannot wear makeup, or wear nice clothes. This is not Peter’s meaning, he simply wants to drive home the point, that you can look pretty on the outside as a woman with your outer adornments, but your inside person may still be ugly. God wants both the inside and outside of a woman to be beautiful.

Conclusion on Biblical modesty

While Paul’s Katastole requirement (women to be fully clothed) is confined to the Church assembly, that does not mean that the principle of modesty cannot apply elsewhere, when we understand that modesty means Christian women ought to wear clothing that is appropriate to the occasion.

What a woman wears to church may be very different than what she wears to Church. What a woman wears to beach may be very different than what she wears to work. What a woman wears for a date with her husband, may not be what she would wear for Church on Sunday.

In the end, whatever, we do as men or women, or whatever we wear should all be done in manner that would bring glory to God, and not bring shame to him in the eyes of the world:

“Whether therefore ye eat, or drink, or whatsoever ye do, do all to the glory of God.”

I Corinthians 10:31(KJV)

 

The Whore culture

prostitute

The “Whore culture”, as opposed to the “rape culture”, is the culture that tells women they should be able to go anywhere, say and act in any way, wear anything and never ever be worried about being groped, touched, talked dirtied too, be come on to, or be raped.

I will come back to “Whore Culture” after I state what I believe about rape and the “rape culture”.

What I believe about Rape

This last week I read several feminist articles on the “rape culture” which inspired this post. Let me first make a few things clear for my feminist friends so you don’t get to put words in my mouth:

  1. I believe no matter how badly dressed, or lack of dress a woman has, or even if she was fully naked – this never gives a man the right to rape her.
  2. I believe no matter what a woman says or whatever sexual movements she makes towards a man that does not give him the right to rape her.
  3. I believe if a rape can be 100% proven beyond a doubt, such as video tape evidence, or witnesses, then we need the death penalty in these cases.
  4. For other rape cases, I believe the justice system should work the same as others. The accused is innocent until proven guilty. I realize that it is traumatic for the rape victim to do this, but we should not have a system that would in any way allow people to be falsely accused. The founders designed a justice system where they would rather allow 10 guilty men to go free, then allow one innocent man to go to jail. It should be exactly the same when it comes to rape, if there is any doubt that doubt must be given in favor of the accused.

Believe me, I have a daughter, and if she were raped my emotions would be running high and I would not care about point number 4 above. I would want them to lock the guy away that she accused, and throw away the key! I would want him to have to prove his innocence, not for her to have to prove his guilt. But this is why we have a legal system, to remove the emotion from the system, and to judge people based on the evidence.

Does this mean some rapists will go free? Yes. But as horrible as that sounds, it is ten times more horrible to imagine a society where all a woman has to do is falsely accuse a man of rape and she can destroy his life, without first proving what he did.

So that pretty much sums up what I believe about rape.

What about the “Rape Culture”

The idea of a “Rape Culture” takes on many meanings depending upon what posts or books you read. If I were to try and sum it up – it basically is saying that certain cultures approve of rape by telling women they must be silent when they are raped, or that women bring rape on themselves by how they dress or how they act.

The “rape culture” says the woman who was raped, brought it on herself, either by her clothing, or by her words and actions preceding the event.

I don’t think there is any culture in the world that thinks rape is a good thing. But I agree there are some cultures that tell women they need to remain silent, and I do NOT agree with that. If a crime is committed against you, whatever it may be, you need to report it.

Where I vehemently do not agree with “Rape Culture” advocates is on this idea that rapists are lurking around every corner. If you read some of the posts on WordPress, as well as other sites, this is the impression that is given, and it is a false impression, pure and simple.

This is no different than if someone were mugged by a black man, and then for the rest of their lives they see every black man they pass on the street or in the store or in the parking lot as a potential mugger. That would be racism pure and simple.

What “rape culture” advocates preach from what I have seen is – sexism against men pure and simple.

The “Whore Culture”

The “Whore Culture” from what I can see is a subset of those feminists who preach the “Rape Culture”. These are women who preach to other women that they should be able to go anywhere, say and act in any way, wear anything and never ever be worried about being groped, touched, talked dirtied too, be come on to, or be raped.

Let me repeat something I said earlier in this post – no woman ever deserves to be raped.

Having said that, there are bad men in this world, just as there are bad women in this world.

What that means is if you as a woman go to some seedy bar or night club with unsavory characters wearing clothing that looks like you are a prostitute, or teasing these types of men and putting yourself in their faces, you should not be surprised if something bad may happen, am I justifying rape – no. But bad things happen, wrong things happen, when we put ourselves in bad situations.

Am I saying a woman who is just traveling on a public bus and has a shirt that reveals some cleavage is putting herself in a bad situation and deserves to be gang raped(similar to the latest India incidents)?

Of course not.

There are extremes on both sides. There are some very conservative people in different countries (even in the US) that think if a woman shows some cleavage or some leg she was “asking for it”. I disagree with these people. A woman should be able to display her beauty in normal and tasteful ways and not be considered to be “asking for it”.

But there is also the other extreme on the left. Let’s be clear on something ladies. If you act in whorish ways, you will be treated like a whore. If you don’t want to be talked dirty too as you walk down the street, then don’t wear trampy clothes with nasty words on the front or back. If you don’t want men to grope you, then don’t throw yourself in their faces. If you don’t want unwelcome sexual attention, then don’t talk dirty in front a group of men.

This is really the biggest problem with some feminists (not all) who preach the “rape culture” – they want to be able to act like whores and still be treated like ladies. The two do not go together.

Let me say a word here about alcohol. Both men and women act in unpredictable ways when they have had too much to drink. When you go to drunken brawls with men and women, you are by definition taking a big risk of bad things happening, and I am not just talking about rape or unwanted advances.

Conclusion

Rape is never right, but we live in a sin cursed world, with bad men and bad women.

I believe we need to be harder on rape when it is proven beyond a reasonable doubt (such as with video tape evidence or witnesses) – we need the death penalty for these cases.

But the “whore culture”, like the Feminist culture from which it comes, wants a world with no consequences. They wanted a world where they could have sex with multiple men without fear of the consequences of unwanted pregnancies or STDs and they accomplished this goal (for the most part) with contraceptives and condoms.

Now they want a culture where they can act like whores, and have absolutely no unintended or unwanted consequences from these actions.

While women can dodge the consequences of unwanted pregnancies and STDs with modern mechanisms, not all actions can avoid consequences. If a woman acts like a whore, she will be treated as a whore. If you put yourself in bad situations, like seedy bars and night clubs, or go in bad neighborhoods, bad things may happen to you. If you like going to drunken parties, don’t be surprised if one day when something bad happens.

The Proud of Sin Whopper

Burger-King-Proud-Whopper2

Isn’t amazing how far we have come as a society.  Homosexuality used to be illegal and now it’s now only legal – its acceptable.  It’s not only acceptable, but now some in our nation are PROUD of it!.  We ought to be mourning the wicked state of our nation.  We ought to be ashamed of such wickedness.

According to christiannews.net:

“Burger King has come out of the closet in full support of the homosexual lifestyle, and is now even naming a hamburger to prove just how ‘proud’ it is of the sin.

The fast food chain is launching what it is calling “The Proud Whopper,” which is enclosed in a rainbow-colored wrapper with the inscription: “We are all the same inside.”

The burger in its colorful packaging will be sold through July 3 at one Burger King restaurant located in San Francisco, a city known for its celebration and promotion of homosexuality and where sexually-transmitted diseases well exceed the national average.”

http://christiannews.net/2014/07/03/a-gay-hamburger-burger-king-selling-the-proud-whopper-to-celebrate-sin/

“I tremble for my country when I reflect that God is just; that his justice cannot sleep forever.”

Thomas Jefferson

 

What does God Have To Do With Cleaning The House?

The author of this post proves that being a “Christian Feminist” can a contradictory thing. The scriptures are extremely clear on the roles of men and women.

“I will therefore that the younger women marry, bear children, guide the house, give none occasion to the adversary to speak reproachfully.”

I Timothy 5:14(KJV)

“The aged women… That they may teach the young women to be sober, to love their husbands, to love their children, To be discreet, chaste, keepers at home, good, obedient to their own husbands, that the word of God be not blasphemed.”
Titus 2:3-5(KJV)

Sounds to me like God is interested in women cleaning their houses.

Bare Ash

I was sent this article today on how to be a “Biblical Wife”. Now, I’m trying my hardest to write my opinions with peace in my heart, and not fire in my veins. I am certainly a reactionary person, defensive and convicted in my “liberal”, “feminist” ways, if that’s what you want to call it. So, I’ll try to appear level-headed here. (It might be clear, though, that I’m not necessarily).

I won’t get into one of my biggest issues with this article, because it’s an entire post of its own (or non-fiction/opinion/memoir mega-book). But I’ll quickly state that I’m thoroughly fed up with Christian vernacular. I consider myself a “Christian” because I’m part of a “Jesus-centered community” since, unfortunately, my little human brain can’t handle the chaos of not being a part of something. I need to know where I fit in, and for some reason a small…

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When men were men and women were women

MansWorld

I love this ad.  I saw it posted by a Feminist on another site.

The feminists were of course railing the sexist nature of the ad.  They were sad to see that it ever happened.  I am sad to see that that time period in America has gone.

It is no coincidence that not long after such ads were seen as sexist that divorce rates sky rocketed, cohabitation sky rocketed and kids started getting dumped in daycare when they were 6 weeks old so mommy could have a more “fulfilling life” than just caring for her husband, her children and her home.

Homemade cooked meals were replaced by microwave meals and ready made oven meals.  Husbands and wives would then come home from their jobs and fight over who had to do the dishes and laundry. Wives started fighting with their husbands over whose career was most important.

Yes sir – the times of this ad were a much better time for not just men, but the American family and women as well.

But the women may ask – how was it better for us?

It was better because you could didn’t have the stress having to provide for your home, your husband could take care of that.

It was better because you didn’t have to fight about your careers, your husband had the career and there was nothing to fight over about jobs.

You didn’t have fights over who would do what in the home, because you knew your roles, they were well defined.

You could depend on the security of marriage, because men did not file for divorce very often then, or now, as women do today(70 percent of divorce filings today are by women).

You would be happier, because your children would be happier to have a mom around to take care of them.

When it was a man’s world, it was a better world.

 

How to make your husband your best friend

Husband and wife

Do you hear other women talk about how they are best friends with their husbands? Do you desperately want that for your marriage?

The reality is you may never be best friends with your husband, in fact in most marriages spouses are not best friends. I know that is not what you wanted to hear when you opened up this post. You wanted a list of 10 ways you can be best friends with your husband, but there is no magic equation for this.

You can close this post, and go and google other articles that tell you how to be best friends with your husband, but when these fail you, you will find what I have said here to be the truth.

Your husband is not your girlfriend

This is just a plain and simple truth. Your husband is not your girlfriend. We as men do not want to sit and discuss our feelings, but you ladies love to do that, because that is how God made you. We like to solve problems, we listen and come up with plans. You just want to experience your feelings, and as a woman you attach feelings to just about everything that happens in your world.

We as men don’t necessarily attach feelings to each and every action or event that occurs in our life. Yes we have feelings, but we attach feelings to far fewer things in our life than you ladies do.

We as men are creatures of action, you as a woman are a creature of feeling. There is nothing wrong with either, as God has designed us both for different purposes.

This is why women are often so much better at taking care children, sick people or the elderly. These caretaking positions require feelings and empathy. Especially in regard to children since they are so emotional, this is why women connect SO MUCH BETTER with small children then men typically do.

You need girl time!

If you are often finding yourself frustrated with not feeling connected with your husband, sometimes it is because you just need to connect with other women and you may not even realize that. You need to make an intentional effort to find girlfriends at church or work, and connect with other women on a weekly basis. You need that full emotional connection that only other women can give you.

Am I giving husbands a free pass?

No I am not giving your husband a free pass to never talk to you or connect with you. It is good for husbands and wives to communicate on a daily basis, but just realize that for him this is not how he is wired and his communication with you may be short and brief. Your husband may compare notes with your about your day and his day, he may discuss plans for the week. But he may not necessarily ask you how you feel about this or that thing your are discussing, the way your girlfriend would. Don’t be angry with him about this. Be happy that he is at least trying to make an effort.

How should I communicate with my husband?

As I previously said, I am not giving husbands a free pass. Your husband needs to listen to you, and you need to listen to him. If you are upset because your mom died – should your husband be there to hear you cry and hold you? Of course he should! But don’t expect him to say a lot, he is going to do what he can to comfort you in nonverbal ways, he may just listen and say short responses. Don’t be angry about this.

Now maybe one of your girlfriends made an offensive remark to you and you are crying about it. Here he may not be as responsive, because he really does not see it as big of deal as you do. He may have a short response like “I am sorry she said that you” and be ready to move on while you want to really experience your feelings for about hour with him. This might be a time to call another girlfriend, because he might not get it.

Let your husband exercise his natural problem solving abilities

A lot of relationship books say husbands should just listen to their wives and not try to solve problems, even though every fiber of our being is screaming out to solve our wives’ problems. You need to have a rolodex of girlfriends on speed dial. When you need to talk about different problems in your life, you should call your girlfriends first to just allow yourself to “feel” your problems and vent.

But at the end of the day, problems do often need solving. So perhaps after you have vented and “felt” your problems with your girlfriends, then go to your husband, and let him offer you advice. If you are a Christian woman, this is one the reasons God gave you your husband. To lead you, and solve problems for you.

But I am best friends with my husband – you are wrong!

Ok maybe you are a woman reading this and you feel like you are best friends with your husband. You feel that you connect with your husband exactly as you do with your girlfriends. That’s great! But if this is truly the case then you are in a very small minority. I have written other posts on this blog about masculine women and feminine men. There are some more feminine men that are much more emotional than the average man, and they are better able to connect with their wife’s emotions and give her that “girlfriend” connection she needs. But the reality, most men are not even a fraction as emotional as women are, and they are much less verbal than women typically are.

Maybe we can’t be best friends, but can we be friends at all?

Certainly you can cultivate a friendship with your husband. But just realize that all friendships depend upon having at least one thing in common. The more things you have in common, the deeper the friendship can be.

Find something your husband likes to do and try to cultivate an interest in that. For instance in my marriage, my wife cultivated an interest in politics and the news because I am a huge news and politics junkie. This gives us something in common – a way to connect. So occasionally my wife will just bring up something she saw on the news for us to talk about it and she will ask me what I think.

I on the other hand I cultivated an interest in baseball because my wife and her Mom and Dad are huge Detroit Tiger fans. Before I met my wife I knew almost nothing about baseball (or any sports), now years later I can carry on a conversation about baseball and I know all the players on our team.

You and your husband may be very different people

The fact is that men and women fall in love (or infatuation), and only find out after they get married that they have very little in common. I am going to make a statement now that you really need to ponder, and understand the truth of, if you want to have a happy marriage:

A loving and committed marriage is NOT dependent on how much you and your husband have in common. But a deep friendship IS DEPENDENT on how much you have in common with your husband.

Here are some things that might make having a deep friendship with your husband more difficult, if not impossible:

  1. He is an introvert, you are an extrovert
  2. He is a Republican, you are Democrat
  3. He is a Baptist, you are Catholic.
  4. He is a saver, you are a spender.
  5. He loves Science fiction, you detest Science fiction.
  6. You love reality TV, he hates reality TV.
  7. He loves video games and computers, you hate video games and computers(except for Facebook)
  8. He believes in traditional gender roles, and you don’t.
  9. He loves to read theological, philosophical and historical books, you only like to read People magazine or Cosmo.

This list could go on and on. If you have things like this where you and your husband are on opposite sides of the canyon, it will be very difficult to cultivate a deep friendship in these cases. But don’t mistake this as saying you can’t still have a loving and caring marriage, because you can.

Friendship is not the reason for marriage

Friendship is not the reason God made marriage. He made marriage for two reasons, one is physical and one is symbolic. The symbolic reason God made marriage is to represent the relationship between himself and his people. In marriage, Man represents God, and Woman represents the people of God.

In the same way that God leads, protects and provides for his people, God expects a husband to lead, protect and provide for his wife. In the same way that God expects his people submit to and serve him he expects a wife to submit to and serve her husband.

The physical reasons God made marriage was for companionship (as opposed to friendship) – where God said “it is not good for man to be alone” and for having children (“be fruitful and multiply”). Marriage is the mechanism through which God would have the human race expand and survive.

But can you have an intimate relationship with someone who are you are not close friends with?

Absolutely! While it is true that deep friendship requires intimacy and things in common, a companionship can be intimate, without it being a deep friendship. You should be intimate with your husband, and he with you (and I don’t just mean in a sexual way). You should know what your husband’s favorite foods are, what his favorite colors are, his favorite clothes, his world view, his hopes and dreams as well as his greatest fears. He should know these same intimate things about you.

Adjust your expectations about friendship in your marriage and you will be happy

Unmet expectations cause huge friction in marriages. When you as a wife expect your husband to meet the same needs that only another woman can meet, you will continually be angry with him. But when you come to the fact that he is a man, and you are woman and will you never meet all each other’s needs you will be much happier for it.