Why you should’nt Always Be Kind To Your Wife

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Most people, including most Christians, would be furious at the very idea that there are times that a man should NOT be kind to his wife. And this is because despite living in the Information Age, people in America and the rest of Western Civilization are woefully ignorant of concepts our ancestors understood well.

What is also sad is how many people will simply read the title of this post and not read past the first paragraph to have their preconceptions about kindness challenged. But if you are a person who is strong enough emotionally and spiritually to have your beliefs challenged, then I encourage you to keep reading.

The Bible commands all Christians to “be ye kind one to another” (Eph 4:32) and it specifically tells husbands to “render unto the wife due benevolence” (1 Cor 7:3) and “benevolence” translates the Greek word for kindness.

Kindness Is Not the Only Duty of a Husband

Men have a God-given duty to be kind to their wives.

However, a man’s duty to be kind to his wife is only one of many duties God has given him. And the Scriptures never present a man’s duty to be kind (pleasing) to his wife as what should be the driving force in his life.

Men also have the God-given duties to rule over (exercise control over) their wives as well as lead, provide for, protect, teach, rebuke and discipline their wives.
(Gen 3:16, Eph 5:23-29, 1 Cor 14:35, Rev 3:19)

Men also have the God-given duties to provide for, protect, teach, rebuke and discipline their children.
(Deut 6:6–7, Prov 13:22, Eph 6:4, Heb 12:7-11)

Men are not just called to work to provide for their wives and children, but they are called to be diligent in their work, increasing their skills and making their mark on the world through their life’s work.
(Psa 104:23, Prov 27:23, Ecc 9:10, Col 3:23)

Men have a God-given duty to “use” (Rom 1:27) their wives to “satisfy” (Prov 5:19) all their sexual desires in order “to avoid fornication” (1 Cor 7:2).

When Should A Man Be Unkind (aka displeasing) to His Wife?

A man’s actions, whether it be what career he chooses, how many hours he works, his rules for the children, his rules for his wife and what he desires from her sexually may not always be pleasing to her.

There are going to be times when a wife will not like her husband’s job or the hours he has to work at his job.  She may even be angry or hurt by the kind of work he is doing.  But each man must choose his own path when it comes to his career.  His wife cannot choose for him.

Should men seek career advice? Absolutely! But men should seek advice in these matters from other elder men with experience in the careers they seek to enter.  Their choice to enter a career should not be based on the emotional whims of their wife.

On the issue of rules and discipline for the children.  Should a man include his wife’s advice? Yes.  Especially when the children are younger as women are gifted with greater insight into how to handle small children.   Does this mean he cannot consult others as well or even his own father and mother as to how to handle things with his children? No. He absolutely can and should consult with other elder wise people.  

In other words, a wife must understand that when it comes to how her husband will make rules and policies for their children, she is but one voice in that discussion.  A very important voice to be sure, but certainly not the only voice.

Should a husband seek to please his wife in the marital bed? The answer is sometimes, but not all time.  If a man seeks to always have sex when and how his wife likes to have sex then he will inevitably be left unsatisfied sexually which will cause him to be far more tempted to commit fornication.  This is why the Bible commands men to use their wives to satisfy all their sexual desires so that they will be less tempted to commit fornication.

In other words, for a man to fully use his wife to satisfy his sexual desires as God commands, he may need to have sex with her at times and in ways which are displeasing (unkind) to her.  And there is no sin in this because God does not require that a man be kind(pleasing) to his wife in all things and at all times, not even in the sexual arena.

And for those who claim that “sex is not a need, it is only a want”.  The Bible shows that sex is a need for both women and men.  The Bible commands both husbands and wives not to deny sex to each other (1 Cor 7:3-4).   The Bible also compares a woman’s need for sex to that of her need for food and clothing (Ex 21:10-11)  and it compares a man’s need for sex to the human need for water (Prov 5:15).  What do humans need more often – food or water?  The answer is water.  And the Bible in using these different comparisons shows that men need sex much more often then women do.

Not only do men need sex more often than women, but they also need to be “ravished” (Prov 5:19) by their wives.  This literally has the idea of a man being sexually intoxicated by his wife.  And what makes a woman sexually intoxicating to a man? It is him knowing he can have her anytime and any way in which he so chooses.  It is her acting desirous to have sex with him in the ways which please him most. 

A woman who only has sex with her husband on her terms (when and how she wants it) will fail to ravish her husband.  This may bring some satisfaction for the husband, but it will never bring sexual intoxication or total satisfaction.

My point here is that whether it is the husband having to correct his wife for something she said or did wrong or him making a family decision she does not agree with or him having sex with her at a time or in a way she does not like – a man will sometimes have to act in an unkind (displeasing) way toward his wife to fulfill his other duties in this life.

When Should A Man Be Kind To His Wife?

Now that I demonstrated that a man’s duty to be kind to his wife is one of just many duties we are left with this question – How can a man fulfill his God-given duty to please his wife without compromising his other duties?

The answer to the question above is found in another question that a man must continually ask himself on a daily basis: “Will this act of pleasing my wife cause me to fail in any of my other duties?”

Often times the answer to this question will be “no” – that it a man pleasing his wife does not conflict with his other duties.  And men should certainly seek out ways in which they can be kind (pleasing) to their wives. 

But in their efforts to be pleasing to their wives, husbands must never loose sight of all the other duties God has given them in this life.   God did not create man to please his wife, but rather God created man to glorify God by imaging him with his life (1 Cor 11:7).

Can a Man’s Duties Sometimes Conflict?

Yes. 

Sometimes one duty a man has will trump another temporarily.

For instance, a man’s duty to be diligent in his work and to use his wife to satisfy his sexual desires may sometimes be trumped by his duty to care for his wife when she has serious health issues.

Still other times a man’s work will take him far away from home for a period causing him to not be able to fulfill his duty to give himself in the marital bed to his wife and to be present for his children.  

This is the balancing act that God has given to each man to perform in his life.

What the Bible Does and Does Not Say About Modesty

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The Bible tells women in 1 Timothy 2:9-10 to dress modestly.  But contrary to the teachings of many conservative Christians, the Bible never actually specifies an exact dress code for women.  Instead, it gives principles which should guide women in how they dress.  Are you ready to have your views about modesty challenged? Then I would encourage you to listen to my new 3-part podcast series on this subject on BGRLearning.com.

A couple months ago I heard a sad story about a woman whom I respect, a woman who teaches women how to be godly Christian women from the Bible. A woman who rightly believes what the Bible says about women being submissive to their husbands and women being keepers at home. The sad story I heard, straight from her own posts on Instagram and Twitter, was that she had proudly confronted the wife of her pastor for what she believed was her wearing immodest clothing to church.

And that was what prompted me to produce this three part series on modesty for women. So many conservative Christians pour their own definitions of what they think modesty is into that word and then judge other Christians by what they think it is.

Are you prepared to have your views of modesty challenged? Then click below to listen to this series.

What the Bible Does and Does Not Say About Modesty

Does God Want Women to Have Long Hair?

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Most Christians are woefully ignorant of 1 Corinthians chapter 11 and its commands regarding the two coverings that God requires on women.

Recently I had the following comment and questions from a reader calling herself Gillian in response to my previously article “Why Christian Women Should Wear Head Coverings”:

“This command has always niggled at me and I’m grateful for your clear explanation. I’m wondering about a hypothetical situation such as if a woman has cancer or another medical condition, and doesn’t have hair as a result. Is that to be considered shameful? Also should she wear a wig to make up for it?

My grandmother has always liked a short pixie cut for her hair but scripture seems to say that a woman must have long hair. Do you think that a woman should have long hair or else it is shameful?”

In my previous article “Why Christian Women Should Wear Head Coverings”, I showed that 1 Corinthians 11 speaks to two coverings that women are commanded to have – a spiritual covering and a natural covering.

1 Corinthians 11:4-6 alludes to the spiritual covering that is be worn on top of a woman’s natural covering:

“4 Every man praying or prophesying, having his head covered, dishonoureth his head.

5 But every woman that prayeth or prophesieth with her head uncovered dishonoureth her head: for that is even all one as if she were shaven.

6 For if the woman be not covered, let her also be shorn: but if it be a shame for a woman to be shorn or shaven, let her be covered.”

Some Christians misuse the phrase “If it be a shame for a woman to be shorn or shaven, let her be covered” to claim that this applies only in a society if it is in fact a shame for women to have short hair. But if the society does not think women having short hair is bad, then it is ok.

However, verses 14 and 15 of 1 Corinthians 11 shows that the Apostle Paul was in fact posing a rhetorical question in verse 6 when he stated the following:

“14 Doth not even nature itself teach you, that, if a man have long hair, it is a shame unto him?

15 But if a woman have long hair, it is a glory to her: for her hair is given her for a covering.”

The Apostle Paul shows us that women having long hair and men having short hair is not just a value in some cultures.  When he says “Doeth not even nature itself teach you...” he is referring to our original masculine and feminine human natures that he designed us with, before sin corrupted them. He is saying that he has built into us to know that men have short hair and women have long hair. This is why men are often much more attracted to women with long hair, that short hair.

Is there room for debate as to what constitutes short hair on men? Yes.  In older times some men might have had hair that was closer to their shoulders and not shaven in the back as most men do today.  But what is not up for debate is that we know historically long hair for a woman meant her hair length went well beneath her shoulders usually to at least her mid back if not her rear end.  This hair length difference clearly separated men from women and it was ordained by God.

Of course, we will have the naysayers who point to men like Samson who took Nazarite vows (Numbers 6:1-21) which forbid them from cutting their hair or other examples of women shaving their heads when in mourning for the death of loved ones.

These situations are exceptions to God’s commands regarding how men and women are to keep their hair and to do not cancel God’s commands under normal circumstances.

What If a Woman Cannot Grow Her Hair Long?

Are there some women for whom it is impossible to grow their hair long due to medical conditions or advanced age? Yes.  So, what should women in these situations do? Must they go and purchase wigs to wear?

The answer is found in the story of the widow’s mite in Luke 21:1-5 where the Bible states the following:

“1 And he looked up, and saw the rich men casting their gifts into the treasury.

2 And he saw also a certain poor widow casting in thither two mites.

3 And he said, Of a truth I say unto you, that this poor widow hath cast in more than they all:

4 For all these have of their abundance cast in unto the offerings of God: but she of her penury hath cast in all the living that she had.”

God does not judge us by what we cannot do, but rather he judges us by what we can do and simply choose not to do.

The Bible says in James 4:17 “Therefore to him that knoweth to do good, and doeth it not, to him it is sin.”

If a woman cannot grow any hair due to chemo treatments or other health conditions – then she is doing all she can do.  If a woman can only grow a small amount of hair due to her advanced age, then again, she is doing all she can do.  Nowhere does God say if a woman cannot grow her hair long that she must go and buy a wig and wear a wig. And yes, they had wigs back in biblical times.

Is there a case to be made for women to buy wigs and wear them if their husbands prefer that they do? Yes.  Because God calls women to submit to their husbands in everything in Ephesians 5:24 and he commands that women are to be ravishing (sexually intoxicating) to their husbands in Proverbs 5:19.  

Having handled the exceptions for women who are incapable of growing long hair due to medical conditions or advanced aging God’s rule for women stands.

1 Corinthians 11:6-9 states the following:

“6 For if the woman be not covered, let her also be shorn: but if it be a shame for a woman to be shorn or shaven, let her be covered.

7 For a man indeed ought not to cover his head, forasmuch as he is the image and glory of God: but the woman is the glory of the man.

8 For the man is not of the woman: but the woman of the man.

9 Neither was the man created for the woman; but the woman for the man.”

If a woman shaves her head, or even cuts her hair short for any reason other than mourning the death of a loved one or for medical reasons, she shames herself before God and man. 

A woman wearing her hair long brings glory to both God and man. 

God commands that women are to have two coverings, not just one.   The natural covering of long hair and the spiritual covering of a veil when praying and worshiping in the church.

Does 1 Corinthians 5 tell Christians They Shouldn’t Tolerate Any Abuse From Anyone?

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Some Christians claim that “The Bible tells believers to avoid abusers and to expel the wicked from among us”.  But the does the Bible actually say this?

In response to my article “Why God Wants You to STAY in an Abusive Relationship” one of my readers wrote the following:

“The Bible tells believers to avoid abusers and to expel the wicked from among us.

1 Corinthians 5:13

1 Corinthians 5:9-11

It is false teaching to tell people to take unnecessary and wrongful abuse.

It is enabling sin.”

A quick glance at 1 Corinthians chapter 5 shows us that the entire context of the chapter is speaking to church discipline, not marital or even parent-child relationships.

1 Corinthians 5:1-4 (KJV) starts off as follows:

1 It is reported commonly that there is fornication among you, and such fornication as is not so much as named among the Gentiles, that one should have his father’s wife. 2 And ye are puffed up, and have not rather mourned, that he that hath done this deed might be taken away from among you.

3 For I verily, as absent in body, but present in spirit, have judged already, as though I were present, concerning him that hath so done this deed, 4 In the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, when ye are gathered together, and my spirit, with the power of our Lord Jesus Christ, 5 To deliver such an one unto Satan for the destruction of the flesh, that the spirit may be saved in the day of the Lord Jesus.”

The phrase “when ye are gathered together” is an unmistakable reference to the assembled church.  This entire chapter has to do with church discipline – not marriage.

Now can a church expel from their membership a man who has truly abused his wife? Absolutely they can. But they should be careful in defining what kinds of abuse allow for expulsion.   

For instance, if a woman came to her pastor and said “My husband calls me a bitch a lot – please expel him for verbally abusing me” – should the pastor expel her husband for that offense? The answer is no.

Instead, the Pastor should ask the wife “Have you ever called your husband a jerk?”  To which if she is being honest, she will probably answer “Yes”.  And then the Pastor should say “Then I must expel you by the same standard you want me to expel your husband”.

My point is when we understand that abuse means to mistreat someone in one way or another we need to be careful of saying the church should expel people for abusing their spouses.  Because the truth is, we all abuse our spouses even if it is calling them a name when we get angry or frustrated from time to time.

This is why the church must be clear that they will only expel men or women for SERIOUS abuse as opposed to common everyday abuses that husbands and wives may commit against one another.

Abuse that rises to the level of causing permanent, serious or life-threatening bodily injury could justify church discipline against the perpetrator.  Also abuse that breaks the marriage covenant such as a man failing to provide food and clothing or him withholding sex from his wife could justify church discipline toward such a man.  In addition, a church could expel a woman who breaks her marriage covenant by systematically refusing to have sex with her husband or because she has had sex with other men.

The Bible is crystal clear that those under the authority of masters SHOULD tolerate abuse from their masters.  And even sometimes we are called to tolerate abuse from our other authorities for the glory of the Gospel.

1 Peter 2:18-22 & 3:1-2 & 5-6 states the following:

“18 Servants, be subject to your masters with all fear; not only to the good and gentle, but also to the froward. 

19 For this is thankworthy, if a man for conscience toward God endure grief, suffering wrongfully.

20 For what glory is it, if, when ye be buffeted for your faults, ye shall take it patiently? but if, when ye do well, and suffer for it, ye take it patiently, this is acceptable with God.

21 For even hereunto were ye called: because Christ also suffered for us, leaving us an example, that ye should follow his steps:

22 Who did no sin, neither was guile found in his mouth: 23 Who, when he was reviled, reviled not again; when he suffered, he threatened not; but committed himself to him that judgeth righteously…

1 Likewise, ye wives, be in subjection to your own husbands; that, if any obey not the word, they also may without the word be won by the conversation of the wives; 2 While they behold your chaste conversation coupled with fear…

5 For after this manner in the old time the holy women also, who trusted in God, adorned themselves, being in subjection unto their own husbands: 6 Even as Sara obeyed Abraham, calling him lord: whose daughters ye are, as long as ye do well, and are not afraid with any amazement.”

The Scriptures are clear that those who are under masters are called by God to tolerate abuse – cruelty and unjust treatment at the hands of those masters.  And the Bible is clear that women are to regard their husbands as their masters.  Therefore, women MUST tolerate abuse from their husbands and in doing so they emulate Christ.

Is it right for men to abuse their wives in big ways or even in small ways? Of course not!

1 Peter 3:7 (KJV) says the following:

“Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honour unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered.”

God does not want men to mistreat their wives in any way. But in the beginning of this same chapter God acknowledges the reality that men, like women are sinners. And that men will mistreat (aka abuse) their wives, sometimes in small ways and sometimes in serious ways.

Must women tolerate all forms of abuse from their husbands? No.  Because the Bible also says in Exodus 21:26-27 that those under masters may be freed from their masters if their masters cause them serious and permanent bodily harm.

But there is no Biblical allowance for a woman (or man) to leave their spouse because of verbal or emotional abuse or even non-serious physical abuse such as slapping or leaving bruises.  

How Should Wives Respond to Their Husband’s Abuse?

The answer to how wives should respond to their abusive husbands is found in a passage we already cited above from 1 Peter 3:1-2:

“Likewise, ye wives, be in subjection to your own husbands; that, if any obey not the word, they also may without the word be won by the conversation of the wives;  While they behold your chaste conversation coupled with fear.”

First, it must be pointed out that in the old English of the KJV “conversation” meant “behavior”. God calls women to attempt to win their abusive husbands back to God, not with their words, but with their behavior toward their husbands. Wives are called to win their husbands by continuing to submit to and revere (fear) their husbands despite their sinful behavior.

How Should Men Respond to Their Wife’s Abuse?

The Bible is not a gender neutral book no matter how hard some Christians try to make it today. God calls for different duties and different responses from people depending upon their gender.

Just as parents are responsible to discipline their children for their wrong behavior, so too husbands are called to discipline their wives for their sinful behavior – whether that behavior is directed at them personally as the husband or toward others.

Unlike wives who are called to win their husbands without a word, husbands are called to wash their wives with the Word of God in Ephesians 5:25-27 (KJV):

“25 Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it; 26 That he might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word, 27 That he might present it to himself a glorious church, not having spot, or wrinkle, or any such thing; but that it should be holy and without blemish.”

The husband’s call to love his wife as Christ loves his church is not limited to him washing her with the Word, but also extends to him rebuking and disciplining his wife as Christ does his churches in Revelation 3:19 (KJV):

“As many as I love, I rebuke and chasten: be zealous therefore, and repent.”

To learn more about how the Bible says we should handle abuse and also the historical and biblically based practice of wife discipline see my podcasts below.

The Biblical Case For Domestic Discipline
A Husband’s Guide to Implementing Christian Domestic Discipline
Why God Wants You To Stay In An Abusive Marriage

Should I Start Spanking My 40 Year Old Wife?

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“Should I start spanking my 40-year-old wife”? This is a question that I was recently asked by a Baptist preacher from Oregon named Robert.

Critics of the historic and Christian practice of wife-spanking often ask “Where does the Bible specifically command men to spank their wives?”. And sometimes I answer their question with another question – “‘Where does the Bible specifically command men not to mistreat their wives?”

Immediately they will respond with “Ephesians 5:25 says husbands should love their wives as Christ loves his church – and Christ would not mistreat his church.” To which I say Amen!

So we all agree as Christians that the standard for a husband’s treatment of his wife is how Christ treats his church right? 

In Revelation 3:19, Christ after rebuking his churches said the following to them:

“As many as I love, I rebuke and chasten: be zealous therefore, and repent.”

Christ rebukes and chastens (disciplines) his wife, the church. And since husbands are called to emulate all the facets of Christ’s love for his church, this would require that husbands are also to discipline their wives out of love for their wives.

In most cases throughout the Bible chastening refers to physical, corporal punishment. And contrary to our modern thinking, physical discipline was not reserved only for children in the Bible. It was also used with adults as well. In other words, a man is not treating his wife as a child when he spanks her – but he is in fact treating her as his wife.

And speaking of children and discipline, one of the most glaring inconsistencies among conservative Christian critics of wife-spanking is their full acceptance of fathers spanking their daughters as children but their rejection of husbands spanking their wives as adults. How it is ok to spank a little girl, but not a grown woman? Is a grown woman weaker or stronger than a little girl? Does a woman’s bottom grow weaker and more frail when she becomes an adult?

The truth is that those oppose the spanking of wives cannot base their opposition on the fact that this may hurt the wife because to do so would undermine the corporal discipline of children which most conservative Christians support. The entire basis of their opposition to wife spanking is that it is somehow dishonorable to a wife for her husband to spank her. 

In other words, it hurt’s a woman’s pride for a her husband to spank her.

But where do the Scriptures exempt women from the corporal discipline we see that men and children receive in the Bible? Where does the Bible say corporal discipline dishonors a woman? The answer is that we see no such exemption for women in the Bible.

Some critics of wife-spanking complain that we must have a specific instance of a woman being physically disciplined by her husband in the Bible to justify a husband spanking his wife. But we do not need specific examples of behaviors to justify behaviors. As long as a behavior does not violate any biblical principle or command then it is acceptable before God.

The burden of proof is on those who oppose wife-spanking to prove that the Bible forbids it, not those who choose to implement it based upon Biblical principles.

One final thought on the discipline of wives before we move on to Robert’s story and his questions. The fact that chastening is most often physical in the Bible does not require that men MUST physically discipline their wives. But it certainly provides a good example of how discipline can be implemented. And the truth is, despite humanist studies to the contrary, physical discipline is far more effective and leads to faster changes in behavior for both adults and children.

And now let’s move on to Robert’s story and his questions.

Robert’s Story

“I discovered your blog in August, and in the months following have become quite a fan. I am 45 years old, married to my 40-year-old wife who I’ll refer to as “M” in this email, with six children, all of whom we homeschool. I am a pastor at an Independent Fundamental Baptist church in Oregon.

I love M very deeply and believe that she is a very godly wife and mother. She is extremely devoted to serving God and to raising and educating our children in His word. She is generally respectful of my authority and accepting of her role. M has more contempt for the feminist movement than any other modern woman I have ever known, which I greatly admire. However, as with anyone there is always room for improvement, and on occasion we do run into conflicts.

My wife and I regularly use spanking as punishment for our children, usually with a paddle. I used to find the idea of a husband spanking his wife as a consequence horrifying, but over the last couple of years my views have shifted more in line with yours, that it is his right and his duty. I have not told my wife about my change in views or my following of your blog, or made any attempt to physically discipline her. On the occasions in which we have run into conflict or she has sinned, I have felt a very serious temptation to just grab her up and spank her, which would be very easy as she is a lot smaller than I am.

I’m of the strong belief that exercising this authority (physically disciplining M) would be a positive for our family and marriage, and is a responsibility of mine; but have felt awkward/nervous about bringing it up with her. I’m really not sure how she’d react. And as with any woman, I worry there’s a chance suggesting this might REALLY make her mad and cause possibly ongoing trouble for our relationship.

I fear that even if she was okay with the idea of getting spankings, that it would be hard to keep secret from our kids and her family. My in-laws (especially my mother-in-law) are already hostile to my religious faith and distrusting of me, and I know that if they found out something like this was going on in our marriage, they would lose their minds. Thankfully they live a ways away from here, but our kids take an annual trip to stay at their grandma’s each year and I fear that if any of my kids found out, one way or another it wouldn’t stay a secret to her family.

Do you have any advice on how I should approach this topic with M in a manner that is sensitive and minimizes the risk of freaking her out or offending her? And any advice on how to approach the topic with our children (or anyone else who finds out by accident) if it does ever get to that point?”

My Response to Robert

In my two podcasts on BGRLearning.com – “A Husband’s Guide to Implementing Christian Domestic Discipline” and “Husbands Questions About CDD Answered” I talk about the fact that women past their mid-20s often will not accept physical discipline (aka wife-spanking).  The reason is that all human beings, both men and women, are far more moldable in their behavior and thinking in their late-teens and early 20s because the human brain does not finish developing until about 25.

And this is exactly why secularists (and sadly even many professing Christians) hate the idea of children being homeschooled and why they hate young marriage for women in their late teens.  Because in these separated Christian homes – young women can be molded to fully accept male domination in their lives first via their fathers and later by their husbands.  And humanists detest any person being conditioned to be controlled by others – this is one of the greatest sins in humanism.

I say all that to say that it will be difficult, by the simple fact of your wife’s age, for you to implement wife-spanking with her. 

Also, it is not just age that is huge factor in a woman being receptive to wife spanking, but it is also their temperament and how they were raised.  If she was raised with her father spanking her well into her teens then you might have a greater chance of success than if her father never spanked her or if he stopped spanking her before her teen years.

Another question you have to ask yourself is “Has my wife ever threatened to call the cops if I laid a hand on her?” or has she given you any indication that she buys into the modern narrative that a woman can never be forced to do anything against her will by her husband?

If after considering all these factors I have raised, you still believe your wife would be a good candidate to try wife-spanking with – then I would suggest you listen to my podcasts below where I give detailed instructions as to how you can begin to implement wife-spanking in your marriage.  It is not something you just do; you must first lay a new spiritual foundation in your wife’s mind that will help to make her more receptive to CDD.

My podcasts on CDD will not only answer the most common questions about how to get started with CDD, but they also will raise and answer many questions you would not think of until after you start implementing domestic discipline.

A Husband’s Guide to Implementing Christian Domestic Discipline
Husbands Questions About CDD Answered
The Biblical Case For Domestic Discipline

A Christian Couple’s Acceptance of Biblical Polygamy

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What follows is an email I received from a Christian couple who wrote me informing how the articles on my site about God’s blessing and allowance for polygyny have helped confirm for this couple that the husband should try to implement polygyny .

Now some at first may find it strange that the email is written from the wife explaining the journey that she and her husband have taken.

But let me point out a couple of things. It is not uncommon for for a wife to better at writing and putting into words the things that her and her husband have gone through and there is nothing wrong with that as long she maintains respect for his position as her head.

Second – as you will read in the story, she was involved with encouraging her husband to choose a particular young woman. Again – there is no sin in this as the Bible actually shows a wife doing this.

When most people of think of a wife giving her husband another woman, they think of Sarah giving Hagar to Abraham and then try to talk about how badly that turned out. Let me just point out that nothing in the story of Abraham, Sarah and Hagar shows that it was a sin for Sarah to give Hagar to Abraham or for him to accept Hagar. The problem was in Sarah’s lack of faith that God would fulfill his promise to give Abraham an heir through her womb, not the womb of another woman.

However, most people are woefully ignorant of another woman who gave her husband another wife and was blessed by God for doing.

Jacob, the grandson of Abraham, had two wives – Leah and Rachel. And when Leah stopped having children, she gave her maid to her husband to continue having her children for him in her stead. And the Bible says this of her in Genesis 30:18:

“And Leah said, God hath given me my hire, because I have given my maiden to my husband: and she called his name Issachar.”

My point is there is nothing wrong with a Christian wife not only coming to a fully acceptance of her husband’s right to practice polygyny – but also her actively encouraging him to do it and pointing out potential additional women that he might pursue for marriage.

With that said an introduction – below is the email I received from Robert and his wife Sarah and it is written by Sarah.

Robert and Sarah’s Story

Our names are Robert and Sarah, we are fellow followers of Christ from Ohio.  We have two baby boys, two years old and one year old. We have been following your work for 2 years now and have experienced much fruit in our marriage from applying BGR. We are writing to you today specifically about the subject of polygamy (more specifically polygyny) to seek some of your advice.

 We have also been studying this subject of polygamy as a couple for 2 years now by reading your articles, studying in God’s word for ourselves, and seeking His will in prayer. We became interested in the subject right around the time of the birth of our first daughter who is 2 years old now.

Rob has been saying that raising children just seems like more than a one-person job, and I have been deeply desiring but missing the companionship of another female relationship in my life. I have been hurt over and over again by other women who have just not been able to commit to a true and lasting friendship with me because of prioritizing their family life. However, I was initially totally closed minded to the idea of polygyny and was disgusted by the idea to the point of wanting to divorce Rob should he ever act on it because I was considering it a form of adultery and unfaithfulness to me.

And so, we wanted to foremost share our testimony with you of how God completely changed my heart 180 degrees to not only accepting polygamy as part of God’s design and not a sin to actually being open to it as a prospective for our life. It is something I truly wrestled with these past 2 years and it made me feel un-valued as a woman and un-loved by God; I was confused by why God even created woman and felt like God hated me because I am a woman. 

My relationship with God was strained and our relationship as a couple held a great deal of tension. Once I was able to actually take it to God in prayer with an open heart and willingness to accept His divine will over my own is when God worked.  And now I have a great sense of peace about polygamy, my barriers to my relationship with God have been torn down and our marriage has become stronger than ever now that we finally see eye to eye on this one subject. 

 I am in awe at how God has opened my eyes on this one subject and I can now see that women are very loved by God and are actually more honored when placed in our God -given roles of service to men and that by woman glorifying man, man can properly glorify God and instead of feeling un-valued because of it I now feel a joy to take part in God’s design. My understanding on the Old Testament has become so much clearer and I feel as though I can finally connect all the dots between the God of the OT and the God of the NT and realize that God is truly the same yesterday, today, and tomorrow; He is the same God, and He does not change with the culture.

            With this incredible testimony as the backdrop, we wanted to share with you how we acted on our new biblical view of polygyny. We believe God spoke to us simultaneously but separately from each other about a specific woman in our life as being a perfect wife for Robert and female companion for myself. This person came to our minds several times over the course of a couple months and we had multiple conversations about her as a couple where we felt God’s presence with us in a powerful way and experienced an incredible amount of peace and overwhelming excitement and joy. It became obvious that this was someone we should pursue but didn’t know how.

After another length of time, it became clear that the route to pursue this girl was for Robert to respectfully go and talk to her father and ask permission to seek her hand in marriage, and this decision was confirmed by another incredible sense of peace from the holy spirit for both of us. It took a great deal of courage for Robert but this is exactly what he did and it has led us to where we are now.  The girl’s father who is a Christian and a longtime friend of ours, was very offended by the idea and slammed the door in our faces. He initially agreed to sit down with both of us to hear us out as a couple on how we came to our belief on polygamy and why we thought of his daughter specifically, but he could not guarantee that his wife would do the same. She reached out to me separately and invited me over for tea to discuss the matter. She appeared to listen really well and calmly, we prayed together and talked for hours.

The conversation was left at again wanting to sit down with both couples to open God’s word together and continue the conversation before drawing a definitive yes or no. But after I talked to his wife about it, the father has now taken back his word to hear us together as a couple. They told us that they made up their mind that the answer is a dead no and now they are saying that they need to separate their family from us. And further more they decided to tell their daughter about Rob’s request as a way of explaining to her why our families need to be separated from each other. This has caused a great deal of hurt, feelings of betrayal and has left us shunned with no way to seek reconciliation.

To complicate things more, this has had a huge devastating effect on our church group. With the exception of one person who did actually come to us with love and patience to hear us out, no one else has and we have experienced an unprecedented amount of rejection, shaming, anger, and hatred. The news of what Robert did have been distorted and by way of gossip has spread around all of our circles of closest family and friends like wildfire. We are still receiving hate-filled phone calls on a regular basis from people who are eager to call Rob horrible names like “pervert” and “cult leader” and then proceed to shun us from their lives completely without allowing us to get one word in.

We don’t have anyone to seek advice from around here who we feel can be trusted and is safe to talk to. We also feel as though all the churches and pastors around here have been infiltrated by the world’s cultural view (which is why we started a home church in the first place) and have adapted an unbiblical lens on the subject of polygamy.

Is there anyone my husband can talk with that would be able to give us practical and real-world advice on how he can go about finding an additional wife?

Sincerely,

Robert and Sarah

My Response to Robert and Sarah

First – thank you for that powerful testimony of how accepting the truth of God’s Word on the subject of polygamy transformed your view of marriage and sexuality in marriage. 

A lot of people ask me why I teach in so much detail about polygamy (polygyny) with our culture being so harshly opposed to the idea – and I tell them first and foremost because it is the truth of God’s Word, his allowance for polygyny. 

And secondly even if a man chooses not to exercise it – it will help him and his wife to better understand his masculine nature as God designed it.

As to Rob’s attempt to exercise polygyny – I am not shocked at the response you got.  That is the normal response in 90 percent of cases.  Again, we have a HUGE cultural hatred of the concept polygyny.  And yes, our culture only associates polygamy with cults and that is why they wrongly called Rob a cult leader.

While I teach a great deal on the Biblical principles allowing for polygamy and how acceptance of a man’s polygynous sexual nature can bless even a monogamous marriage, I will admit I don’t have a lot of firsthand knowledge of how to implement polygamy since I do not practice it myself.  But I do know of a Christian website dedicated to helping men implement polygynous marriages. 

It is https://biblicalfamilies.org/

You may want to contact them and get on their forum to find out about meeting Christian women interested in polygynous marriage.

7 Steps to Finding a Godly Foreign Wife

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Are you a man frustrated with the American dating scene? Have you spent thousands of dollars on dating sites or gurus telling you how to change yourself to attract women and yet you have come up empty? What if the answer to finding a wife is not about trying to navigate the American dating scene but instead going completely around it?

All the stats today show that the dating scene is completely stacked against men.  Two thirds of young single men are looking for a wife while only one third of young single women are looking for a husband. This means there are several eligible men competing for each eligible woman.

And when you add to this fact that only a fraction of the young single women in America looking for marriage today are conservative, traditional and godly Christians who want to be submissive wives and homemakers – that makes the chances of a man finding a conservative godly wife here in American even smaller.

But in the midst of the dark dating scene here in America there is still hope for those men who want to find a godly traditional wife.

Jesus said in Matthew 7:7 “Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you.”

Many godly young men have prayed for years and asked God to bring them a conservative traditional Christian wife. But they have limited themselves in where they are seeking a wife. They are only looking in their local church, local town or perhaps on dating sites limiting themselves to the surrounding area.

Some men might say they have even tried to open themselves up to women in other states and that is a good thing. But few men today have allowed themselves to consider opening themselves up to looking for a wife in another country.

And the sad part is, that a good Christian man with a solid job has the GREATEST chance of finding a godly traditional wife not in America, but rather outside of America.

Why are most American men unwilling to look outside of America for a wife? Sometimes it is fear of being with a woman from another culture who may perhaps not speak English as well. Many times it is because of stories they hear of foreign women who pretended to love an American man, they marry him and then after getting their citizenship they divorce him. And that does happen sometimes. But it does not happen all the time or even most of the time and there ways to guard against marrying a woman who has these wicked motives.

Other men are afraid of the costs involved in getting a foreign wife. On that point I won’t sugar coat it. It will cost money. But anything worthwhile will cost you.

But here is the good news.

There are godly traditional Christian women in countries which have a much lower standard of living, some with great poverty, who would absolutely jump at the idea of marrying an American Christian man and him bringing them back to America. 

Women in Central and South American countries like Guatemala, Venezuela, Honduras and Brazil.

Women in Asian countries like the Philippines and Vietnam.

Women in Eastern European countries like Latvia, Estonia, Lithuania, Hungary and Romania.

In my new podcast series on BGRLearning.com, “7 Steps to Finding a Godly Foreign Wife” I give Christian men a detailed, step by step plan that can help them find a godly traditional wife from a nation that does not have the standard of living that America has. These foreign Christian women have qualities that most American women lack and one of those qualities is gratefulness.

In additional to being grateful, these women from rural areas of foreign countries have been raised in traditional cultures that are often unaffected by feminism. They have been taught to respect men. They are excellent cooks and they know how to take care of a home. And they are taught to serve and please their men.

As I state in this podcast series often, I am not telling men to give up all hope of finding a godly traditional Christian woman here in America. There are godly traditional Christian women here in America. But young men need to have a plan A and plan B when it comes to finding a wife.

Plan A is trying to find a godly wife here in America. But while they are trying to find a godly Christian wife here in America whether it be locally or on dating sites, young Christian men should be taking that time to make preparations for Plan B – which is finding a wife in a foreign land. And that is what I help men with in this podcast series – making preparations for and executing a Plan B approach to finding a wife.

If you as a man have lost hope in ever finding a wife – I promise that this series will give you a new and reinvigorated sense of hope and show you possibilities you may never have considered.

Click on the link below to listen to this series today!

7 Steps to Finding a Godly Foreign Wife

4 Steps To Confronting Your Husband’s Sexual Refusal

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Usually when we think of sexual refusal we think of women refusing sex to their husbands. But while it is true that most sexual refusal involves the wife refusing the husband, there are some cases where it is the husband refusing the wife. And this is just as much a sin before God as a wife refusing her husband sexually.

Women are also wired by God to make themselves desirable for and to feel desired by men. That is why the vast majority of beauty products are marketed to and bought by women. For a woman to admit her husband no longer wants sex with her is the same in her mind as admitting she is no longer desirable.

It is for these two reasons, the rarity of husbands refusing sex from their wives and women not wanting to admit they are not desired by their husbands that women can sometimes go years without admitting the issue.

In this podcast I first discuss several reasons a husband may not be desiring sex and also talk about women sometimes in a marriage needing to step up and initiate more.

But then I do address the issue many women have written me about over the years that they try to initiate all the time, even though they would prefer he does, yet he still turns them down even when they initiate sex.

I talk about how a woman, because of her subordinate position, must address this in a somewhat different manner than a husband would with his wife as her authority and give steps to address the situation.

Click on the link below to listen to this podcast.

4 Steps To Confront Your Husband’s Sexual Refusal

8 Steps To Confronting Your Wife’s Sexual Refusal

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Does your wife deny sex to you for several weeks or months at a time? Maybe it has been years. Have your been told by Pastors and counselors that this behavior on the part of your wife is your fault and that it is not a sin for her to deny you sex if she feels unattracted to you and does not desire sex with you?

In “The Seduction of Pornography and the Integrity of Christian Marriage, Part Two“, Dr. Albert Mohler, the President of the Southern Baptist convention, stated the following about sex in marriage:

“a woman has every right to expect that her husband will earn access to the marriage bed…I believe that God means for a man to be civilized, directed, and stimulated toward marital faithfulness by the fact that his wife will freely give herself to him sexually only when he presents himself as worthy of her attention and desire.”

The statement above is very appealing to our modern post-feminist world. Secularists, feminists and many Christians applauded Dr. Mohler’s statement that men must earn access to sex with their wives. And this philosophy that men must earn sex with their wives is seen in Pastor’s offices and counseling offices across America.

By this commonly held belief, if your wife is denying you sex the sin is not on her part, but rather on yours for not making yourself “worthy of her attention and desire”.

The problem is that the Bible does not teach that sex in marriage is a privilege, but instead the Bible teaches that sex in marriage is a right and duty.

The Bible says the following in 1 Corinthians 7:3-5 (KJV):

“3 Let the husband render unto the wife due benevolence: and likewise also the wife unto the husband. 4 The wife hath not power of her own body, but the husband: and likewise also the husband hath not power of his own body, but the wife. 5 Defraud ye not one the other, except it be with consent for a time, that ye may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again, that Satan tempt you not for your incontinency.”

The Bible does not teach that a husband and wife must mutually desire sex in order to have sex, but rather it teaches that if either one desires sex, the other must render their body to their spouse for sex. The only thing “mutual” about sex in the Bible is the mutual desire to abstain from sex for a short time of prayer and fasting.

So what is a man to do with what seems like the whole world against him in this matter of his wife denying him sex?

You can find the answers in my 2-part, 2 hour podcast series below.

8 Steps To Confronting Your Wife’s Sexual Denial

Also read my original article that inspired the podcasts above here – “8 Steps to Confronting Your Wife’s Sexual Refusal“.

Are All Divorces Really The Fault of Men?

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Will Knowland, a man who runs a Christian masculinity mentoring program at https://www.patriarchyproject.org/ recently made the above post on his Instagram page @knowlandknows.

If you had not see some of Knowland’s other posts and saw this post in isolation, you might get the impression that Knowland is a feminist because he is making the same argument that feminists make about divorce.

Whenever conservative patriarchal Christians bring up the point of women filing for the vast majority divorces feminists will immediately go to point that women have valid reasons for divorcing their husbands in most cases and that real fault of high divorce rates falls mostly at the feet of men, not women. If me would just be better husbands and fathers, divorce would be nearly non-existent in the view of feminists – and apparently Knowland actually agrees with feminists on this point.

To be fair to Knowland, his definition of what would make men better husbands and what feminists say would make men better husbands is very different. But they still arrive at the same conclusion, the divorce epidemic is 99% the fault of men. Knowland actually said that in comment below.

Divorce Doesn’t Happen to Masculine Men?

Knowland asserts that “Divorce doesn’t happen to masculine men”. In other words, he saying good husbands don’t have their wives running out committing adultery or filing for divorce against them.

Try telling that to God about his divorce from his wife Israel.

“for all the causes whereby backsliding Israel committed adultery I had put her away, and given her a bill of DIVORCE”

Jeremiah 3:8 (KJV)

God was the perfect masculine husband, yet his wife committed adultery by running after other gods.

Divorce happens to all ranges of men.  Feminine men.  Masculine men.  Christian men and non-Christian men alike.  Women file divorce against men who are excellent providers and have never run around with other women.  Women file divorce against men who are strong leaders and men who are weak leaders.

Some of what Knowland is saying in this post aligns with what the Bible teaches.

In Ephesians 5:29, God calls men to provide for the needs of their wives as they do their own bodies and in Titus 2:5 God commands that women are to be “keepers at home”. 

And I agree with Knowland and stats show that if a man’s wife has a full-time career outside the home and especially if she makes more than him in her career, they have a HIGH probability of divorce.

Who is Truly Responsible for the High Divorce Rate We Have Today?

Some will argue that men are completely responsible for high rates of divorce because men allowed the laws making divorce easier starting in the 19th century long before men gave women the right to vote in the early 20th century and it was men like Ronald Reagan who pushed for no-fault divorce laws.  

And there is some truth to that argument.  And it is good to understand how we got in the mess we are today.

But the fact remains – who are the ones primarily responsible for filing divorces today?

The answer is women.  Women file for divorce 70 to 80 percent of the time and in most cases, it is not for biblically allowable reasons.

Knowland contends that in “99%” of cases the true responsibility for the divorce is not that of the woman who files for it, but instead the real responsibility is with the man and his behavior that drove her to file for divorce.

Knowland blaming the sins of husbands for their wives divorcing them is like blaming a victim of murder because he must have done something to make murderer want to kill him.

What is the Biblical Way to Approach Our Modern Divorce Epidemic?

Any masculinity teacher who tells you that if you lift weights, make sure your chest and waist size are a certain size, do assertive things like order dinner for your wife, listen to her, spend time with her and the kids, and provide well for her that she will never divorce you is selling you snake oil.

Don’t get me wrong, I am not saying any of those things are bad things to do and those things can certainly help to strengthen your marriage.  However, those things are no guarantee that your wife won’t divorce you.

One way to approach the modern epidemic of divorce is to tell men that if they just act masculine enough, if they lead right, provide right and do everything else right then their wives won’t divorce them.  

The problem with this approach is that it is a humanist and naturalist approach to the sin of divorce rather than a biblical approach.

And sadly, this is the primary approach that most Christian teachers take today, including Knowland.

Does the Bible say “Husbands be the best leaders, providers and protectors you can be so your wives won’t divorce you?”  No.  The Bible says in 1 Corinthians 7:10 “Let not the wife depart from her husband”.

The Biblical approach to the modern epidemic of divorce is to tell women to stop committing the sin of divorcing their husbands and to tell them to win their husbands with their subjection, reverence and good behavior as the Bible commands in 1 Peter 3:1-2.

For more on the subject of the Biblical view of divorce see my article “If We Treated Divorce Like Killing“. In that article I do an exhaustive examination of every verse in the Bible, both Old and New Testaments, on the subject of divorce to give a comprehensive biblical view of what are and are not allowable reasons for divorce.

And for Christian men facing the prospect of divorce I recommend you listen to my podcast below where I walk men through my experience with divorce as well as that of other Christian men and I give strategies for men with how to navigate the divorce process.

A Biblical Guide to the Divorce Process for Christian Men