Another short clip. A three minute minute video examining the philosophy of Anna Howard Shaw one of the great champions of the Woman’s Suffrage Movement.
This new style of video I am trying out. Its less than 4 minutes.
I hope it will be a blessing.
“I would be willing to theologically contest that “be fruitful and multiply” is a prescriptive command for each individual.” This was the assertion made by a Christian man I recently was conversing with on Facebook. Here is was his fully comment:
“I would be willing to theologically contest that “be fruitful and multiply” is a prescriptive command for each individual. Rather it was a descriptive account of what God said at the beginning of his creation to Adam and Eve so mankind would grow, and was repeated to Noah since he had decimated Earth’s population with the flood. It’s not a command you see repeated in the Law of Moses as a command to the Israelites though, for example.”
I thought it would be good to let my readers know my response to this assertion as it is one that is commonly made today.
Below is my response.
I would agree with you that Christianity made singleness a legitimate way of life but only in service to God. Singleness was not encouraged so that one could live selfishly and escape the many responsibilities that come with marriage and family.
The command to be fruitful and multiply is actually renewed in the law of Levirate marriage in Moses Law:
“5 If brethren dwell together, and one of them die, and have no child, the wife of the dead shall not marry without unto a stranger: her husband’s brother shall go in unto her, and take her to him to wife, and perform the duty of an husband’s brother unto her. 6 And it shall be, that the firstborn which she beareth shall succeed in the name of his brother which is dead, that his name be not put out of Israel.”
Deuteronomy 25:5-6 (KJV)
God was not just concerned with a man marrying and having his own children, but he was so concerned about this that he commanded men to marry their brother’s wife if he died with no children to carry on his name.
God repeats his “be fruitful and multiply” command in different language in the book of Jeremiah:
“Take ye wives, and beget sons and daughters; and take wives for your sons, and give your daughters to husbands, that they may bear sons and daughters; that ye may be increased there, and not diminished.”
Jeremiah 29:6 (KJV)
Incidentally – this is why American and western nations are seeing their native populations die out and only through immigration do they continue to grow. We are actually seeing the native population of the United States dwindle each year because women born and raised in American are not having enough children. We are having roughly 1.76 births per woman in the US which is well below the replacement level of 2.1. Check out the article entitled “The historically low birthrate, explained in 3 charts” from Vox.com actually praising these falling birth rates.
That number is actually inflated by immigrant women who tend to have more children than women born and raised here and if we did not count immigrant women having children it would be even less.
This is the direct result of our culture disobeying God’s command to be fruitful and multiply.
So sir I kindly and respectfully disagree with you that God’s command to have children (which would first require marriage) was “descriptive” rather than “prescriptive”. Celibacy is the exception to his rule but it does not negate his rule.
This is why I feel some Christian teachers have gone too far with celibacy and are attempting to normalize it. We can honor celibacy in the service of God while at the same upholding God’s very first command to mankind to be fruitful and multiply.
“Does the bible say anything about women being with men who aren’t followers of God? Is a man who doesn’t even believe in God still entitled to a submissive wife or am I now exempt from that?” – These questions and others were recently asked to me in an email I received from a newly married young Christian woman calling herself “D”.
“Hi there, If you don’t mind may I call myself “D?” I am a 27 year of woman and I have been quietly reading your blog for a while after I stumbled upon it while I was seeking out some answers online about my lifestyle. While I cannot say that I live a lifestyle that is completely working in tandem with the things you talk about, I do find your insight interesting and honest. I appreciate the thought and honesty even if I don’t always understand or want to agree with some of the things being said. If you don’t mind, I was wondering if you could help lend some insight on something that has been troubling me? I don’t really know where to go to find answers as it seems society throws people left and right, often even shaming people for wanting to understand.
I would like to start by explaining my lifestyle dynamic first so you can gain an understanding of where I am coming from. This might seem long and drawn out but stay with me, it’s sort of complicated. I do not attend church, well I have not committed myself to a church yet but I do go from time to time. I would consider myself a Christian, even if my choices didn’t always show that. While believing in God there has always been a somewhat liberal understanding of how things worked for me. As I grow older I realize how confused I really am, I was brought up one way, society tells me something else, while my heart yearns for more knowledge.
I have been happily married for 2 and 1/2 years, but here is where most Christians are going to frown down on me…
My husband doesn’t believe in God, we are intermixed in that way and I know that’s not the ideal circumstance! I will clear things up by mentioning it’s basically a mirror image of how my dad was, not believing in God while my mother did, it’s what is normal to me so I felt comfortable doing it. I wonder, did I mess up, am I wrong for this? I love my husband and I would NOT like to be one of the couples that ends up in a divorce due to our differences and arguing over stupid petty things. I hope that one day he can change his mind about God, I really have hope for that. Still in the back of my head I wonder am I wrong to be with him because of our religious differences, will we fail for this reason? I want to ensure that I won’t end up in a divorce, we really only fight about petty things for the most part.
Generally he tells me that “I don’t listen” or that “I argue with him too much.” His solution is just that I should do what he says. I feel that isn’t a reasonable for our situation for us though because our marriage isn’t exactly founded on those biblical principles, so why is he still asking for them? It frustrates me and even angers me sometimes.
Does the bible say anything about women being with men who aren’t followers of God? Is a man who doesn’t even believe in God still entitled to a submissive wife or am I now exempt from that? How do I deal with this? This is just such a strange situation and I don’t know what to do. Part of me says “I should do what he says so he is happy and we don’t fail in our marriage” while the other part says “well he is clearly wrong he doesn’t even believe in God, therefore he has no idea what he is talking about.” Also, I wonder which is worse for a Christian to be married to a non-Christian or for that couple to get in a divorce?
I would like to thank you for your time, I hope this didn’t sound too confusing. I know that you base most of your dealings with couples who are both Christians but it would mean a lot to me if you could look into my situation as well as it has been eating a way at me for a while now. If you’d like to use my story as a concept for your blog, I would be okay with that too. I wonder if there are other people struggling with my situation.”
Below are the answers to D’s concerns.
The First and Most Important Question Is Are you a Christian?
D’ Statement of her faith:
“I would consider myself a Christian, even if my choices didn’t always show that. While believing in God there has always been a somewhat liberal understanding of how things worked for me. As I grow older I realize how confused I really am, I was brought up one way, society tells me something else, while my heart yearns for more knowledge.”
I have said many times on this blog that the most important doctrine of the Bible and really the most important question of life is this:
Have we truly accepted the one true God, the God of the Bible and his Son Jesus Christ as our personal Lord and Savior believing that he died for our sins, was buried and rose again on the third day?
So, if you cannot answer with a clear and resounding yes to that question I encourage you to reach out in faith to God today and place your faith and trust in Jesus Christ today as your Lord and Savior.
The Gospel is NOT the Only Important Doctrine We Need to Accept
Just because the Gospel is the most important doctrine in the Bible does not mean it is the ONLY important doctrine in the Bible. Many Christians and Churches today falsely believe that if they are preaching the Gospel and the Gospel alone that they are doing all God requires. They believe everything else should be left alone for each individual Christian to figure out on his or her own. But God did leave us to wonder on our own as believers and the Scriptures tell us he gives us teachers to teach us in his Word:
“11 And he gave some, apostles; and some, prophets; and some, evangelists; and some, pastors and teachers; 12 For the perfecting of the saints, for the work of the ministry, for the edifying of the body of Christ: 13 Till we all come in the unity of the faith, and of the knowledge of the Son of God, unto a perfect man, unto the measure of the stature of the fulness of Christ”
Ephesians 4:11-13 (KJV)
While the office of Apostle was temporary to start Christ’s Church and true Prophets will probably not appear till the end of days we do today still see God call men to serve him as evangelists, pastors and teachers. I believe God has placed a calling on my life to be a teacher of his Word and this how I minister to his people through this blog.
The Bible also tells us that husbands are to be spiritual teachers of their wives:
“34 Let your women keep silence in the churches: for it is not permitted unto them to speak; but they are commanded to be under obedience as also saith the law. 35 And if they will learn any thing, let them ask their husbands at home: for it is a shame for women to speak in the church.”
1 Corinthians 14:34-36 (KJV)
The Scriptures exhort husbands to follow Christ’s example and wash their wives with the Word of God and again this requires teaching, correction and sometimes rebuke:
“25 Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it; 26 That he might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word, 27 That he might present it to himself a glorious church, not having spot, or wrinkle, or any such thing; but that it should be holy and without blemish.”
Ephesians 5:25-27 (KJV)
Also, Christ when speaking to his Churches of which the Bible pictures him as their husband stated this:
“As many as I love, I rebuke and chasten: be zealous therefore, and repent.”
Revelation 3:19 (KJV)
Having started with this as our foundation, let us now move on to questions for true believing Christian wives who are living with unbelieving husbands.
Which is worse for a Christian to be married to a non-Christian or for that couple to get in a divorce?
There are three ways a Christian could end being with an unbelieving spouse:
- They were not a Christian when they married and neither was their spouse. Then they became a Christian after marriage.
- A Christian marries another person who claims to be a Christian but the person reveals later that they never truly were a Christian.
- A Christian willfully and knowingly marries a non-believer.
There is no sin on the part of a Christian who ends up with an unbelieving spouse because of the first two scenarios. However, if a Christian knowingly marries a non-believer than that Christian has a committed a sin against God according to the following passage:
“14 Be ye not unequally yoked together with unbelievers: for what fellowship hath righteousness with unrighteousness? and what communion hath light with darkness? 15 And what concord hath Christ with Belial? or what part hath he that believeth with an infidel?16 And what agreement hath the temple of God with idols? for ye are the temple of the living God; as God hath said, I will dwell in them, and walk in them; and I will be their God, and they shall be my people.”
2 Corinthians 6:14-16 (KJV)
However, the Scriptures tells us this if we find ourselves with an unbelieving spouse (not matter the circumstances of how we came to that position):
“13 And the woman which hath an husband that believeth not, and if he be pleased to dwell with her, let her not leave him. 14 For the unbelieving husband is sanctified by the wife, and the unbelieving wife is sanctified by the husband: else were your children unclean; but now are they holy. 15 But if the unbelieving depart, let him depart. A brother or a sister is not under bondage in such cases: but God hath called us to peace…
39 The wife is bound by the law as long as her husband liveth; but if her husband be dead, she is at liberty to be married to whom she will; only in the Lord.”
I Corinthians 7:13-15 & 39 (KJV)
So here is what the Apostle Paul is stating by the inspiration of God in the above passage. If a man or woman find themselves with a spouse that is not a believer and that unbeliever wants to stay married to them they must stay in that marriage. However, if the unbelieving spouse wants to depart then they may let them depart and the believing brother or sister are not bound to that marriage in those cases.
When we look at verse 39 in the context of verses 13-15 of this chapter as well as passages like Exodus 21:10-11 then we understand that if a Christian woman’s unbelieving husband provides her with food, clothing, shelter and sexual relations and he wants to remain married to her she is bound to him for life and may not leave him.
So, if your unbelieving husband matches that criteria – you cannot leave him. You are bound to him for life.
So, even if you willingly married a non-believing husband (which was a sin) if you divorce him without just cause that God allows for you are compounding that sin and doing something even worse. The fact is God can forgive you of the sin of marrying a non-Christian and he may even use you to win him to Christ as we will talk about in the next section.
Is a man who doesn’t even believe in God still entitled to a submissive wife or am I now exempt from that?
The Bible directly answers this question of yours in the following text:
“1 Likewise, ye wives, be in subjection to your own husbands; that, if any obey not the word, they also may without the word be won by the conversation of the wives; 2 While they behold your chaste conversation coupled with fear.
3 Whose adorning let it not be that outward adorning of plaiting the hair, and of wearing of gold, or of putting on of apparel; 4 But let it be the hidden man of the heart, in that which is not corruptible, even the ornament of a meek and quiet spirit, which is in the sight of God of great price.
5 For after this manner in the old time the holy women also, who trusted in God, adorned themselves, being in subjection unto their own husbands: 6 Even as Sara obeyed Abraham, calling him lord: whose daughters ye are, as long as ye do well, and are not afraid with any amazement.”
I Peter 3:1-6 (KJV)
So, the Scriptures tell you as a Christian woman to do something that very much goes against your sin nature. If your husband is doing something your believe is disobedient to God whether it is how he conducts various aspects of his personal life or even how he treats your or your children your sinful response is to try and correct him, rebuke him and then free yourself from his authority.
But the Scriptures tell you to attempt to win your husband into obedience to God whether by accepting Christ as his savior or getting his life right with God if he is a Christian. It tells you to win him without the word, without preaching at him and instead win him by your subjection to him, your living a pure life before him and your reverencing him.
The False Teaching that I Peter 3:1-6 Only Applies to Unbelieving Husbands
The key phrase “if any obey not the word” refers to husbands who are disobedient to the Word of God. This would cover unbelieving husbands who “obey not the gospel of our Lord Jesus Christ” (2 Thessalonians 1:8) as well as those husbands who claim Christ as their savior but are disobedient to his Word in various ways.
I have heard many Christian women say “if any obey not the word” is strictly speaking about unbelieving husbands and does not apply to Christian husbands who are disobedient to the Word in various ways. So, they literally try and have us believe that I Peter 3:1-6 does not apply at all to wives married to Christian husbands and they have thereby nullified the Word of God. In other words, they believe if their Christian husband is disobedient to God in his lifestyle in anyway they deem too serious they have the right to free themselves from his authority. His spiritual authority in their view is now forfeit.
The problem with this interpretation is that verse 5 blows it out of the water:
“5 For after this manner in the old time the holy women also, who trusted in God, adorned themselves, being in subjection unto their own husbands: 6 Even as Sara obeyed Abraham, calling him lord: whose daughters ye are, as long as ye do well, and are not afraid with any amazement.”
After Peter describes the type of submission that wives are to have to their husbands who are disobedient to the Word he then writes a key phrase “For after this manner” and then he goes on to talk about the holy women of old times like Sara who obeyed Abraham calling him lord. Was Abraham an unbeliever? We know he was not an unbeliever as the Bible presents him as a man who “believed God, and it was counted unto him for righteousness” (Romans 4:3).
Therefore, we know beyond a shadow of a doubt based on the full context of this passage that the phrase “if any obey not the word” absolutely applies to both unbelieving as well as believing husbands who are disobedient to the Word of God.
Can My Unbelieving Husband Demand My Submission to Him?
Another false teaching among egalitarians and sadly even most complementarians today is that a husband (whether he is a believer or not) cannot in any way compel his wife’s submission to him. In fact, that is why most complementarians in our modern times reject a husband’s authority to discipline his wife for her failure to submit to his authority. They teach the Biblical submission of a wife to her husband is completely voluntary and the part of the wife and this should not be any concern of the husband.
This false teaching comes from a faulty understanding The Greek word hupotasso which is translated as “submit”, “subject”, “subjection” and “obedient” in our English translations of the Bible.
This is the definition of hupotasso according to Thayer’s and Smith’s Bible Dictionary:
“to arrange under, to subordinate
to subject, put in subjection
to subject one’s self, obey
to submit to one’s control
to yield to one’s admonition or advice
to obey, be subject
A Greek military term meaning “to arrange [troop divisions] in a military fashion under the command of a leader”. In non-military use, it was “a voluntary attitude of giving in, cooperating, assuming responsibility, and carrying a burden”.”
So, like many words in the Bible, the context in which hupotasso is used determines if it is a voluntary attitude of giving in and cooperating with someone who is an equal verses the military use of the word which is an involuntary submission to one’s authority.
In Ephesians 5:19-24 we read the following:
“19 Speaking to yourselves in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing and making melody in your heart to the Lord; 20 Giving thanks always for all things unto God and the Father in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ; 21 Submitting yourselves one to another in the fear of God.
22 Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord. 23 For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the saviour of the body. 24 Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing.”
If you notice above I have put a separation in the text between verses 21 and 22. In the NIV and many modern translations they will be put a separation between verses 20 and 21 and the NIV even puts a note above verse 21 making it seem as though verse 21 is speaking to the husband wife relationship.
Again, just like we discussed with I Peter 3:1-6 context is key. Here in Ephesians 5:1-21 Paul is speaking to Christians in the Church in general about holy living. He then ends his general call to holy living for Christians with a call for Christians to submit to one another – this is not the military type of submission of one under authority to another, but it is the voluntary submission of equals serving and cooperating with one another.
Then he turns to the subject of marriage and the family in Ephesians 5:22.
First and foremost you will never find one passage in the Scriptures that tells a husband to submit to his wife. Not one. You will see egalitarians try and throw smoke up about God telling Abraham to listen to Sarah regarding Hagar (Genesis 21:12). But this was not God telling him to submit to his wife, but rather for him in this instance to act on her advice. Nothing in the Scriptures forbids wives from making requests of their husbands and giving them advice. And sometimes God will lead us as Christian husbands to act on our wife’s advice but this is not a husband submitting to this wife. This is no different than a King who grants the request of one his servants or follows the advice of one his advisors.
So how do we know what kind of submission it is that God calls wives to regarding their husbands? The found in the words surround the call for wives to submit to their husbands. First in verse 22 God calls wives to submit to their husbands “as unto the Lord”. In no other passage of Scripture do we find God calling someone to submit to a human authority as unto God. But only in the husband wife relationship do we see this comparison. Verse 23 further bolsters this by telling wives that their husbands are their head as Christ is the head of the Church and then in verse 24 he tells wives to submit to their husbands as the Church is to submit to Christ in everything.
So which kind of submission is God calling for? The voluntary type of serving submission between equals or the military type of submission where one is called to submit to and obey the one in authority over them? The answer is clear and indisputable. God is calling for the military type of submission from a wife toward her husband.
When egalitarians and even complentarians say that a wife’s submission in this passage is the voluntary submission between equals they are breaking the model that is being setup here. God is basing a wife’s submission on the model of our obedience to him and the Church’s obedience to Christ. Are Christ and the Church equals? We know they are not. Christ is the authority of the Church and he demands his Church’s obedience to him.
Therefore, we can say beyond a doubt that the submission that God calls wives to toward their husbands is the military type of submission which is mandatory. And just as commanders in the military must be concerned with and compel the submission of those under their authority so too husbands must compel their wife’s submission to them.
A husband who refuses to compel his wife’s submission to his authority is just as delict in his duty before God as the wife is who refuses to submit to her husband’s authority. They both are failing to model the relationship of Christ to his Church where he compels the obedience of his Church and the Church submits herself to Christ.
You stated this regarding your unbelieving husband’s insistence that you stop arguing with him so much and simply do what he tells you to do:
“Generally he tells me that “I don’t listen” or that “I argue with him too much.” His solution is just that I should do what he says. I feel that isn’t a reasonable for our situation for us though because our marriage isn’t exactly founded on those biblical principles, so why is he still asking for them?”
Based on all the Scriptures I have presented to you in this article I hope you realize that your husband’s motivation for asking for your submission is irrelevant in God’s view. God wants you to submit to him whether he asks for your submission or not. Your husband may want you to submit for totally selfish reasons but God wants you to submit to him, not to make him happy, but for two reasons. The first is just as I Peter 3:1-2 states that you may be able to win him to Christ by your submission, pure life and reference for him. The second is that by submitting to him you fulfill your role to model the Church’s obedience to Christ even if your husband is not fulfilling the role of loving you as Christ loves his Church.
So, D – you should absolutely listen more, talk less and don’t argue with your husband. It is one thing to give him respectful advice or make a request and let him decide what to do. It is another to argue with him. D – do you realize how if you completely changed your attitude on this and truly just talked less and submitted more that this change could cause your husband to inquire of you what happened? Then you could share with him how God changed your heart on this matter and that God showed you he wants you to submit to your husband and serve him as the Church submits to and serves Christ.
This will also remove a lot of your frustration. Because then you will realize this is not about you. This is about Christ. In way you are being just as selfish as you believe your husband is being. You are making your marriage about you. It’s not about you and your personal happiness. It’s about God and his plan for your life. Your service and submission to your husband is your service and your submission to God.
I pray that you and all Christian women who read this and who live with disobedient husbands will humble themselves today and truly submit to their husbands as unto the Lord.
Women in general and even women who consider themselves strong feminists showed the same preference for sexist men over egalitarian men according to five studies carried out by scientists from the University of Kent and Iowa State University. It turns out that no matter what political or philosophical background they come from, women prefer the muscular guy with money who opens doors for them to the weak and skinny egalitarian dude that will treat them just like one of the guys.
And in other breaking news a new study confirms that water is wet. Ok that second study was fake. But you get my point. Anyone who lives around women, works around women or has sisters knows what these studies concluded is just common sense. Yes, there are those rare women, feminist or otherwise, that actually prefer the weak and skinny egalitarian dude that treats them like one of the guys but most women don’t operate that way.
Below are some conclusions the study found according to an article from the dailymail.co.uk:
“Benevolent means well-meaning or kind, and experts define the sexism as men who, for example, think women are more delicate or should be cherished or looked after by a man.
This is different to hostile sexism in which women are degraded, such as saying a woman’s place is in the kitchen.
Sexist attitudes were the norm for decades, particularly after the Second World War, and saw men as breadwinners and women as homemakers.
But this has shifted in recent years as gender attitudes change, more women focus on their careers, and couples increasingly share their parenting duties…
Women are more attracted to men who are sexist because they think they are more willing to protect them, provide for them and commit to a relationship, scientists say. Men who are considered to be sexist in a well-meaning way – for example if they are chivalrous or think women need a man to protect them – may be more attractive.
Even though women find these men patronising and can feel undermined by them, they are more likely to want to couple up with them than with men who don’t give them special treatment. Researchers say women may be hard-wired to think the benefits of being with a kind but sexist man outweigh the downsides.
The scientists maintain that, despite romantic and flattering elements of the relationship, even well-meaning sexism reinforces the idea women are inferior. And even women who consider themselves strong feminists showed the same preferences in the study by British and US researchers…
In the study, women’s attraction to this willingness to invest is traced to a more basic hard-wired survival instinct, in which females choose mates in order to improve their children’s chance of survival.
A male who is more likely to be protective or provide food for the family would improve the chance of offspring surviving, the study explains.
This may have in turn shaped women’s psychology to make them subconsciously prefer men who are a bit sexist.”
The Great Lie of “Sexism”
In our American as well as other western cultures today, we are taught a great lie. We are taught that if a person believes that someone’s gender determines what roles they should or should not perform in society that this person is holding an immoral belief. The term “sexist” was coined in the late 1960’s by feminists and was employed as a scarlet letter of sorts to shame and ostracize anyone who held to such “unequal”, “outdated” and “unfair” beliefs about gender.
In fact, another word “misogynist” was used to ratchet up the heat on those who held to such “ancient” beliefs. If you were a sexist, then you were also a misogynist or hater of women. This same tactic was used in all kinds of social movements to paint anyone who believed in any different rights or privileges for anyone of any kind as being a “hater” of that group.
For instance, in 2018, we are told that if you believe both illegal and legal immigrants who are not United States citizens should not have the same rights and privileges as US citizens then you are a called a hater of immigrants.
But God’s Word shines a light on this great lie that believing men and women should have different rights and responsibilities somehow is hatred of women or immoral. The belief that women should be “Barefoot and pregnant” or in other words get married, bear children and be homemakers is clearly backed up by the Bible:
“I will therefore that the younger women marry, bear children, guide the house, give none occasion to the adversary to speak reproachfully.”
1 Timothy 5:14 (KJV)
Were Sexist Attitudes the Norm Only After World War II?
“Sexist attitudes were the norm for decades, particularly after the Second World War, and saw men as breadwinners and women as homemakers.” Really? Every time I see statements like this it makes me laugh. The reason it makes me laugh is because of this myth that people teach today that somehow these “sexist” views of men and women were somehow new after World War II.
For the entire history of mankind these were the roles that societies across the world cast men and women into. Were there exceptions to this rule? Yes. Did some women have higher educations and careers throughout history? Yes. In other cases, did many women help their husbands out on their family farms or other such family businesses? Certainly. Were there families that were so destitute that the woman was forced to go and work away from the home while the children were cared for by another family member? Absolutely.
But the point is that this was not seen by society as the ideal to strive for. Societies across the world prior to the Second Wave feminism of the 1960s very much held what we call today a “sexist” belief that men are to be providers and women are to be homemakers.
Three Different Kinds of Sexists
These studies came up with two categories of sexist men. One they labeled as a “Hostile Sexist” and the other as a “Benevolent Sexist”. I actually agree with them that there are multiple categories of sexist men but I would expand it to three categories of sexist men as opposed to just the two.
The Hostile Sexist Man
This study says that a man has hostile sexist views toward women if he believes “a woman’s place is in the kitchen”. The truth of the matter is that God’s Word reveals that the “kitchen”, or in other words the caring for the food needs of the home, does in fact belong to the woman as we see in the passage below:
“She riseth also while it is yet night, and giveth meat to her household, and a portion to her maidens.”
Proverbs 31:15 (KJV)
So, if believing in different roles for men and women is not the Biblical definition of being a hostile sexist what is? We can find the answer by looking the follow passages for the answer:
“Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honour unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered.:
I Peter 3:1 (KJV)
“Husbands, love your wives, and be not bitter against them.”
Colossians 3:19 (KJV)
As we can see according to the Bible, a hostile sexist man is one who dishonors and has bitterness toward women.
Now Christian feminists would seize upon those two words “dishonors” and “bitterness” to fill in their own definitions. I have been accused by countless readers of showing dishonor toward women and being bitter at women. But it is not dishonoring to women to teach what God teaches about women. It is not dishonoring to women to teach that God did not give men and women equal rights and equal responsibilities.
It is not showing bitterness toward women to share of the hurts that I have suffered at the hands of my first wife when she committed adultery or my second wife when she has sexually denied me or disrespected me based on her feminist background. It is no more bitterness toward women to share of these hurtful things women do toward their husbands than it is for a woman’s site to share stories of emotional or physically abusive husbands.
I have actually warned men on this site many times not to allow their hurt or even righteous anger toward sinful behavior on the part of their wives to turn into bitterness. I have had men come through this site throughout the years and display actual hatred toward the female sex and I have condemned such hatred.
The truth is that all these false accusations of me hating women is just a cop out on the part of my detractors. These false accusations are what is called “ad hominem attacks”. This is when someone attacks the person presenting a belief or an argument rather than the belief or argument itself. These kinds of false attacks actually display the weakness of those who oppose the beliefs I espouse based on the Bible.
Believing in gender roles and hating feminism does not equate to being hostile toward or hating women. This is part of the great lie we are told today and as Bible believing Christians we must combat this lie with the Word of God.
The Benevolent Sexist Man
The studies we are discussing defined the benevolent sexist man as one who is “well-meaning or kind, and experts define the sexism as men who, for example, think women are more delicate or should be cherished or looked after by a man”.
This Benevolent Sexist man displays no hatred toward women but on the contrary he practically worships women.
But is this behavior what the Bible calls for on the part of men toward women? The answer is no. Some might respond with the question “Doesn’t the Bible tell men to cherish their wives?” Yes, it does. It is absolutely true that the Bible commands husbands to cherish their wives as we see from the Scripture passage below:
“28 So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself. 29 For no man ever yet hated his own flesh; but nourisheth and cherisheth it, even as the Lord the church”
Ephesians 5:28-29 (KJV)
In the minds of most women today to cherish means to worship. That really is the whole idea of romance. Romance is about a man making a woman’s happiness the central focus of his life. How many songs do we hear where men say things like “you’re the meaning in my life, you’re the inspiration”.
It is absolutely intoxicating for most women to hear men tell them that they can think of nothing but her. They only have eyes for her. Women love it, they just eat it up when a man tells them that their happiness is his most important goal in this world.
But the truth is that this is NOT what the Bible is saying when it tells men to cherish their wives.
When the Bible tells men to cherish their wives it is telling them to protect their wives. When it tells them to nourish their wives it is telling them to provide for their wives’ physical needs. So yes, the Bible tells men to be providers and protectors of their wives but it never tells them to worship their wives or make their wives happiness the central focus of their lives.
This study reveals that women are attracted to these benevolent sexist men and why wouldn’t most women be attracted to men like this? If a woman were to find a man who wants to provide for her, protect her and worship the very ground she walks on why would she not be attracted to this from a human perspective? Having someone who wants to be our servant, do whatever makes us happy and provide us with a house, food, clothes, money and also protect us from those who would do us harm would be attractive to many women and men for that matter.
A lot of Christian husbands today are actually benevolent sexists in how they date and in how they conduct themselves as husbands once they marry. It is not wrong that they feel a duty to provide for and protect their wives. It is not wrong that they want to display kindness toward women in general or their wives in particular. Those traits are good traits that we as Christians should honor in men. But where these benevolent sexist Christian men fail is in worshiping their wives and making their wife’s happiness the central focus of their lives.
A Word on Fake Benevolent Sexist Men
Before I continue to the third type of sexist man we need to recognize the reality of men who fake being benevolent sexists. The truth is that many men while dating will play the part of the benevolent sexist only to reveal later on that they are actually a hostile sexist. A lot of men know that worshiping a woman is the key to getting sex from her. They have their mission, so they size her up and they do what it takes to get to their goal. Some of these men go for the one-night stand where they worship a woman all night long acting like they want a long-term relationship only to disappear in the morning. Others will see the relationship through until marriage and then after marriage their true hostile sexist mentality is revealed. And just as a side note – there are men that fake being egalitarians too just to get in the ladies’ pants. There are myriads of these men in Hollywood and across America.
The Biblical Sexist Man
The Biblical sexist man believes very much like the genuine benevolent sexist man that God wants him as a man to provide for, protect and commit to a woman in marriage. He also believes God calls him to be kind and compassionate toward women in general and especially his wife in particular.
This Biblical Sexist man does not act in hateful ways toward women as the Hostile sexist man neither does he engage in woman worship as the Benevolent sexist man does.
The Biblical sexist man worships God alone and at the same time shows proper love and honor toward his woman not only by providing for her and protecting her by also by leading her as Christ does his Church and teaching her and correcting her by washing her spiritual spots and wrinkles with the Word of God.
He knows that to worship his woman or make her the central focus of his life would betray the purpose for which God made him, women and intimate relationships between men and women.
The Scriptures tell us God’s purpose in making male human beings in the Genesis account:
“26 And God said, Let us make man in our image, after our likeness: and let them have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air, and over the cattle, and over all the earth, and over every creeping thing that creepeth upon the earth. 27 So God created man in his own image, in the image of God created he him; male and female created he them. “
Genesis 1:26-27 (KJV)
The Apostle Paul gives us divine commentary from God further elaborating on the Genesis creation account:
“3 But I would have you know, that the head of every man is Christ; and the head of the woman is the man; and the head of Christ is God…7 For a man indeed ought not to cover his head, forasmuch as he is the image and glory of God: but the woman is the glory of the man. 8 For the man is not of the woman: but the woman of the man. 9 Neither was the man created for the woman; but the woman for the man.”
I Corinthians 11:3 & 7-9 (KJV)
Paul points out to us that God created man to be his image bearer and he created woman to help man in playing out his image bearer role. Man could only fully image God by being a husband and a father. This is why God created woman and marriage to help man fulfill this task. God shows us this purpose in marriage the same chapter that tells men to cherish(protect) their wives:
“22 Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord. 23 For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the saviour of the body. 24 Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing.
25 Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it; 26 That he might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word, 27 That he might present it to himself a glorious church, not having spot, or wrinkle, or any such thing; but that it should be holy and without blemish.
28 So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself. 29 For no man ever yet hated his own flesh; but nourisheth and cherisheth it, even as the Lord the church”
Ephesians 5:22-28 (KJV)
God created marriage so that man and woman could model the relationship of God to his people and thus this would help man to fulfill his purpose to image God. God wants husbands to love their wives as he loves his people. He wants men to sacrificially love their wives, he wants them to teach and correct their wives and so wash their spiritual spots and blemishes with the Word of God. He wants men to care for their wives as they do their own bodies by protecting them and providing for them as they would their own bodies.
God also wants women to submit to and serve their husbands as mankind is to submit to and serve God. A wife’s mission is her husband, her children and her home. In regard to her husband, her mission is to help him fulfill the mission God has given to him.
The Biblical sexist man knows that to make his wife’s happiness the central focus of his relationship with her would be to betray his purpose to image God as a husband to his wife. He knows that he must lead her, teach her and correct her and this will not always make her happy. He also realizes that as part of his leadership of his wife he must teach her to live out the truth that God made him to serve God by imaging him and he made her for him to help him in his mission.
In other words, one of the greatest duties a Biblical sexist man has in his marriage is to teach his wife that their marriage does not revolve her desires and her happiness. Instead every Biblical sexist husband must teach his wife that he is to focus on his mission to image God and she is to focus on her mission to serve him and help him in his mission.
The Biblical sexist man also knows though that while his relationships with his wife and children are vital parts of his overall mission to image God they are not all God has for him to do. God is not just a husband to his people or a father to his children but he is also an inventor, a builder, a teacher, a worker, an artist, a writer, a warrior and a ruler. So too God calls men to be in these different roles and in doing so they image him. The Scriptures tell us the following concerning men and their work:
“And the Lord God took the man, and put him into the garden of Eden to dress it and to keep it.”
Genesis 3:15 (KJV)
“Man goeth forth unto his work and to his labour until the evening.”
Psalm 104:23 (KJV)
“Wherefore I perceive that there is nothing better, than that a man should rejoice in his own works; for that is his portion…”
Ecclesiastes 3:22 (KJV)
“And whatsoever ye do, do it heartily, as to the Lord, and not unto men;”
Colossians 3:23 (KJV)
“And let the beauty of the Lord our God be upon us: and establish thou the work of our hands upon us; yea, the work of our hands establish thou it.”
Psalm 90:17 (KJV)
Reclaiming Sexism For Christ
To often we as conservatives and Christians allow liberal Christians and non-Christians to define the language of our discussions. Leftist and secularists are masters of taking words and twisting them for their perverted purposes. Take the word “gay” which at one time simply meant “happy”. This word was hijacked to represent homosexual men.
Some may be shocked at the title of this section “Reclaiming Sexism For Christ” because in our culture we associate Sexism with bad behavior. But we as Christians serve a God who is in the business of reclaiming things for his purposes. The cross was once a symbol of shame yet Christ took it and made it a symbol of hope and salvation. Even the term “Christian” was once used as a derogatory term in labeling followers of Christ. But again Christians took what was meant as badge of shame and made it a badge of honor.
In the same way we as Christians can redeem the Sexism and specifically the word “sexist” for Christ. When people say they can’t stand “sexists” that is our opportunity as Bible believing Christians to share with them the truth of God. I have actually done this on many occasions. I have told people in these conversations that I am a sexist but when I explain to them what kind of sexist I am and why believe what I believe from the Bible often times they have never heard the Scriptures I present.
In fact I was just at a dinner recently with family where I shared why I was a sexist and one woman was astonished at the Scriptures I presented. I explained to her that in no way do I hate women or ever want to see women as a gender demeaned or dishonored. I explained to her that we as men should honor our mothers and our wives as God commands. But I said I also believe that God created men and women for very different purposes. I told her that because I believe men and women should do different things based on their gender that makes me a sexist.
She asked “Why have I never heard these Scriptures in Church before?” And I told her because our churches have been infested with feminism and the vast majority of Pastors have simply bowed to our culture.
I told her that God calls us as Christians to live counter to the culture. He calls us to not conform to the patterns and thinking of this world but to be transformed by his Word. In this way I was actually able to use the term “sexist” as a way to teach the truth of God’s Word.
The fact that women are attracted to sexist men who are strong and can provide for them is not simply some hardwiring left over by evolution. As Christians we know this is by the design of almighty God.
The Bible tells us in I Corinthians 11:9 that “Neither was the man created for the woman; but the woman for the man”. Every part of a woman’s being was made for man and his benefit. Woman was perfectly created for her task by God. In doing this God created woman as “the weaker vessel” (I Peter 3:7) because God wanted her to need man’s strength as mankind needs God’s strength. God created woman to be beautiful and he created her to desire to be beautiful because God desires the beauty of his people (Psalm 45:11). He created her to be a companion and the bearer of his children.
God created every desire a woman has to help man fulfill his primary mission to image God. God planted in the female human nature her desire for the strength, protection and provision of man. He did this so that man could be the strong protector and provider to woman as God is the strong provider and protector to mankind. The man would desire to protect and provide for a woman and a woman would desire to be protected and provided for by a man. It was a beautiful and glorious picture that God meant to be painted. He setup the pieces perfectly.
But sin corrupted God’s plan for man and woman. Sin warped and twisted a woman’s desire for the strength, protection and provision of man into a desire to make men their servants, rather than their masters as God intended it to be. Instead of desiring to serve her husband and follow his leadership, her sin nature causes her to desire to control her husband (Genesis 3:16).
Application for Christian Men
- Will you as a Christian man repent of any dishonorable behavior or bitterness that you have toward women as a gender or even particular women in your life?
- Will you as a Christian man accept that your desire to protect and provide for a woman is not wrong but is in fact right in God’s eyes?
- Will you as a Christian man accept that your desire to lead a woman and your family is not wrong but is in fact right in God’s eyes?
- Will you as a Christian man stop being ashamed of your masculine nature and accept that this is in fact the image of God in you?
- Will you as a Christian man accept that worshiping women is just as much a sin in the eyes of God’s as being hostile toward women?
Application for Christian Woman
- Will you as a Christian woman accept all God’s design for you as a woman and not just the parts you like as in your attraction to strong men who are able to provide?
- Will you as a Christian woman reject your sinful inclination to be worshiped by men?
- Will you as a Christian woman reject your sinful inclination to be the center of your husband’s life?
- Will you as a Christian woman accept that you were created for man and that he was not created for you?
Many Christians believe the only way a woman can be unfaithful to her husband is by having sex with men other than her husband. Today we call this adultery. But in the Bible adultery was a two-sided coin. In the book of Ezekiel the prophet writes the following concerning Israel’s unfaithfulness to her husband which was God:
“You adulteress wife, who takes strangers instead of her husband!”
Ezekiel 16:32 (KJV)
In the above passage we see there are two parts to adultery, or what we would call marital unfaithfulness on the part of a wife:
- When a wife takes men other than her husband.
- When a wife does not take her husband.
It is utterly ludicrous to say as so many Christian teachers have falsely taught – that if a woman does not take other men yet refuses to take her husband she is still being faithful to him. If she does not take her husband she guilty of unfaithfulness to him.
In the church we are often taught that sexual immorality, otherwise known as fornication, has to do with sexual acts God does not allow like homosexual acts, premarital sex and adultery. But the Bible clearly teaches that there is a type of sexual immorality that we can actually commit by NOT having sex.
We find this teaching in Paul’s first letter to the Corinthian Church:
“2 Nevertheless, to avoid fornication, let every man have his own wife, and let every woman have her own husband. 3 Let the husband render unto the wife due benevolence: and likewise also the wife unto the husband. 4 The wife hath not power of her own body, but the husband: and likewise also the husband hath not power of his own body, but the wife. 5 Defraud ye not one the other, except it be with consent for a time, that ye may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again, that Satan tempt you not for your incontinency.”
I Corinthians 7:2-5 (KJV)
So how does a man and woman “avoid fornication” according to God’s Word? In two ways:
- Have sexual relations with your spouse on a regular basis to avoid fornication OUTSIDE marriage.
- Do not deny sex to your spouse to avoid fornication both INSIDE marriage (by denying them their right) and also OUTSIDE marriage (by tempting them to have sex outside marriage by your denial).
The False “Mutual” Teaching of Sex
Today we have many Christian teachers who actually ask us to ignore the very words we have just read in I Corinthians chapter 7. While it is true that I Corinthians 7:2-5 teaches that both men and women need sexual relations it does not teach sexual relations between a man and woman are based upon mutual desire. In fact, it teaches the very opposite. This passage teaches that sex in marriage is both a right and a responsibility of both the husband and the wife. The only decision which must be mutual regarding sex is the mutual decision by both the husband and wife to discontinue sex for a short period only.
Why I teach So Much on the Sexual Immorality of Sexual Defraudment
As a Christian I believe the Gospel of Christ, the reality of Heaven and Hell and the teaching that the Bible is the inerrant Word of God are perhaps the most important doctrines we as Christians must teach and affirm. However, that does not mean these are the only important doctrines. And while we do have a lot of false Gospels being spread today as there were in the early church era, thankfully there are still preachers and teachers who are faithful to the true Gospel of Christ and the inerrancy of his Word.
We even have a lot of Christian preachers and teachers today teaching that God does not want us to follow the evil ways of our culture. To this I say Amen and Amen! The Apostle Paul gives us this very command not to conform to the sinful ways of our culture in his letter to the Christians at Rome:
“And be not conformed to this world: but be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind, that ye may prove what is that good, and acceptable, and perfect, will of God.”
Romans 12:2 (KJV)
So, we will hear a Pastor teach from his pulpit that we should not have sex outside of marriage as our culture encourages. Great! We say amen to that! But then this same Pastor preach doctrines that conform to our American cultural values and at the same time directly contradict Biblical commands. These Pastors will condemn men for not loving their wives while remaining sinfully silent on the wife’s call to submit to her husband in everything. These Pastors will condemn men for having sexual thoughts while at the same time remaining sinfully silent on the sexual immorality of wives sexually defrauding their husbands.
The unfortunate truth is that today even among those who preach the true Gospel of Christ and the inerrancy of the Bible there is almost a complete and utter neglect or in many cases an explaining away of the Biblical doctrine of gender roles. There is actually an ongoing war on masculinity, patriarchy and male sexuality. All of this is being done to appease feminism which has infested even many conservative Bible preaching churches today.
This is why God lead me to create this blog back in April of 2014. God lead me to stand in this gap and to call my fellow Christian brothers and teachers back to the true teachings of God’s Word regarding gender roles as well as sexuality from a Biblical perspective. This is why many of my teachings on this site focus on a defense of masculinity, patriarchy, male sexuality and sexual rights from a Biblical perspective.
Empowering Christian Men with Steps to Confront their Wife’s Sexual Defraudment
In May of 2015, I published an article entitled “8 steps to confront your wife’s sexual refusal”. In this article I detailed 8 steps that Christian men could take in confronting sexual defraudment on the part of their wives. This article has since become one of the top 5 viewed pages on this blog and this page alone has had about 800,000 views since I first published it. I made some edits to this article over the last few years but essentially it has remained the same. Here are the 8 steps I list for men in confronting their wife’s sexual refusal:
Step 1 – Rebuke her privately
Step 2 – Stop taking her on dates or trips
Step 3 – No unnecessary household upgrades
Step 4 – Stop doing the little extra things
Step 5 – Remove her funding
Step 6 – Rebuke her before witnesses
Step 7 – Bring her before the Church
And then I gave the 8th and final step for husbands if these 7 steps did not bring their wife to repentance:
“What if none of these 7 steps work?
If your wife remains willfully defiant, yet she has not left you, it could be for a variety of reasons. She may not want to lose how she lives with you and she knows that after a divorce her lifestyle will be severely affected, and she does not want to deal with the consequences of divorce. Perhaps she may have some genuine care for you left as well as your children but she simply cannot see the error of her ways and will hold out indefinitely with the hope that one day you will fold and give her back the money, the dates, the trips, the house hold upgrades and she will not have been forced to change her ways.
But you have a final step you may take, one that you need to pray long and hard about before you do.
You have the option to divorce her for her sexual immorality.
“But I tell you, everyone who divorces his wife, except in a case of sexual immorality, causes her to commit adultery. And whoever marries a divorced woman commits adultery.” – Matthew 5:32(HCSB)”
A Real Story of a Man Exercising These 8 Steps
Not long after I published my article “8 steps to confront your wife’s sexual refusal” I received many emails from men eager to exercise these steps to confront the sinful fraud going on in their marriages. I have published some of those men’s stories on this site over the past few years. One of those men wrote me calling himself “M’s Husband” and his story was the inspiration for my article entitled “Sometimes “Sexual Interventions” are needed in a Christian marriage”. In this article I began with this excerpt from his email:
“Been married two years and we are both Christian. Our marriage is good, outside the bedroom. We have no children. My wife consented to sex once in the last year and that was six months ago. She refuses any kind of counseling. We abstained prior to marriage and from the first day of our marriage, she has always avoided sex and never enjoyed it.”
Throughout the rest of the article I encouraged and admonished M’s Husband to have a sexual intervention in his wife’s life. Over the last three years he has updated me on his situation with his wife as he has exercised the first 7 steps I gave to confront his wife’s sexual defraudment. Both in his letter that I published and as well as other letters he sent to me since anyone can see the love he had for his wife and his wish that their marriage could be made whole.
The sad reality is, just as Israel refused to repent and turn from her unfaithfulness to God as her husband so too after 5 years of sexual defraudment M’s Husband’s wife has refused to repent and turn from her unfaithfulness to her husband.
M’s Husband Letter to his Church Exposing His Wife’s Sin
What follows are excerpts from emails I have received over the last month from M’s Husband.
“Here is the sad update on my marriage. You know that I have been struggling with her rejection since we were married and started writing to you in early 2016.
I think this will be the final act in the drama/tragedy unless she repents and goes to therapy for sex aversion. I spoke for a while with my pastor and he is in agreement with my action.
Here is the letter that I wrote to those in my church and others whom I know. She was served with divorce papers today, so I have made this letter public. I am still keeping the door open for repentance and reconciliation, but I have strong terms that she must fill.
give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.
1 Thessalonians 5:18
MY LETTER TO MY CHURCH REGARDING MY WIFE’S SEXUAL DEFRAUDMENT
My wife, M is guilty of willful, continuous and unrepentant sexual immorality. After being deprived for 107 days, she threatened divorce if I continued to pursue my marital right with her. M proclaimed that she will never grant me my marital right. She has informed me that her decision is final and will not change. She has forsaken her duty and obligation to our marriage since the first day we were married by depriving me, rejecting me, defrauding me and forsaking me of my marital right. (Matthew 5:32)
She reluctantly went to Christian marriage counseling with me last year for four months. She rejected all the advice and suggestions that were given to her about chastity in marriage. Our marriage counselor gave up on us because M has an aversion to sex and strongly refused any and all kinds of professional help for that. I subsequently tried to get her to go to therapy and she strongly and angrily refused therapy and denied that she has a psychological aversion to sex.
I have been advised since late 2015 that divorce is a Biblical option. I had resisted that because I love M. M has not gone to her church for six months and she has hardened her heart toward me and has broken her marriage vow of being “one flesh” with me (Genesis 2:24).
Because I do not see any change in that attitude, because of her proclamation to never fulfill her marriage vow again, because of her willful disregard for the commands of God (1 Corinthians 7:2-5, Proverbs 5:19) and because she continues to rebel against God and against me (Ephesians 5:22-24, 1 Peter 3:5-6, Titus 2:5) I see no alternative except divorce. M and I have been nothing more than roommates as she has continuously violated the Biblical law of chastity in marriage (Hebrews 13:4). M has proclaimed to never fulfill the vow of marriage again.”
A few weeks after that letter, about a week ago, I received this update from M’s Husband:
As we continue through the process of separation and divorce, M has started reading Christian blogs and sends me some of them with comments. Too bad she started now, it would have been constructive for her to do that prior to our separation.
Yesterday she sent me one and stated how unloving I was and that she had “done it all” with the communication that she had really gone the extra mile and tried to love me with all her heart. Since submission to me (Eph 5:22) and allowing me to have sex more than once a month (with her acting as if she is being raped with anger and resentment) was forgotten by her, I became angry and wrote her an angry response. It is possible, that I write my best letters when I am angry. I try never to sin in my anger.
Here is the letter that I wrote to her yesterday.
MY LETTER TO MY WIFE M AFTER FILING FOR DIVORCE
I know that you tried to love me. But you decided that one aspect of our marriage would be under your own rules and not under God’s commands.
As your husband and leader of the family, I tried to lovingly bring you to the place that God commands a wife to be in the family. Submissive to me in all things as to the Lord himself. But you rebelled. Sarah submitted and obeyed her husband and called him “lord.” You decided to lead your husband in certain aspects of our marriage. Sinfully, Eve lead Adam. Jezebel lead Ahab. There were others in Scripture who did that. All with disastrous results.
Above all, you made your own rules for sex and rejected the commands of God. Rejecting the command to be “one flesh.” Rejecting the command to not deprive each other. Rejecting the command to satisfy me with your breasts ALWAYS. Think about that word always. The verse in Proverbs does not say sometimes. It does not say, when you feel like it. It does not even say once a week. It says ALWAYS. You denied your breast to me always. I wanted to give you thrills and pleasures through your breasts, but they were off limits to me ALWAYS. But that verse is not speaking only about breasts. “The wife does not have authority over her own body.” Considering that verse makes breasts an analogy for your whole body. You are to satisfy me with your WHOLE BODY ALWAYS. Always…all the time. Kisses always. Kisses on your forehead, your nose, your neck, your throat, your mouth, your tongue, your vagina and everywhere else always. I have authority over your whole body ALWAYS. Not once a week. ALWAY!
You rejected that….always. You rebelled, even as I was patient. For years I was patient. Then after being a “gatekeeper” you shut me down completely. Then you decided that your body, which I have authority over….always, will be off limits to me and by your decision and your rebellion you have commanded to me that we are going to have a sexless marriage, for the rest of our lives. The anger and resentment from you, during attempts at sex, broke my heart.
I did not marry you to be a roommate and I did not take a vow of celibacy when I married you. I loved you and I love Jesus. Paul wrote that it is better to marry than to burn with passion. I thought that if I could be satisfied with you, whenever I want you (which is what always means to me in this context) then I would not give in to the temptation to be satisfied anywhere but in your arms. But you rebelled. You stopped wearing clothes that appealed to me. (Remember, authority over your body gives me authority to dress you in what appeals to me). You would not wear lingerie that I liked, ever. You would not drive us to secluded places for wonderful sessions in the back seat. Not necessarily sex but just deep kissing and petting would have thrilled me. I liked watching you pee (authority over your body) but you refused. I wanted to shower with you, but you rebelled and refused that. You brought anger and resentment to our marriage bed. You let me know that you wanted to be anywhere else but in our marriage bed. I could not comprehend as someone could ever choose a television and computer game over sex with her husband.
I expected sex every day of our honeymoon, starting with the second night (first night on Maui). You refused every time except once in Maui and once in Las Vegas. I NEEDED sex at least twice a week at home, but you made yourself a gatekeeper and pulled your body away from me, so that we had sex four times, in the year after we returned from our honeymoon. Then you made me live as an involuntary celibate husband for sixteen months from May, 2014 until November,. 2015 with a total of one time. That time in the hotel room in Daly City. Not even sex in Memphis, when we were there for four nights and we were married less than a year.
Soon after I realized that you were a gatekeeper I tried to have sex with you but was rejected. “But since sexual immorality is occurring,” I was tempted. My urge and prayer was to be satisfied in your arms every time but you drove me away. I could have waited for you to finish your day’s work but your gate was closed all week, when I needed you every day. So…….I gave in to the temptation. It was only as far as my computer and the porn would not refuse me. You refused me over and over but the porn never refused me. It was there for, to take the place of the wife that God gifted me but who refused me, though I have authority over her body.
My marital right was refused as you did not keep your obligation and duty as a wife. I was more important than your work. Your husband is your top priority. You were great at cooking for me and keeping my stomach full. If I ate all that you gave me, I would have gained weight. But your top priority is sex with your husband. Your father is not your priority, your husband is. You kept the fourth commandment but broke many commandments that a wife has to keep for her marriage. Now look where our marriage is. You were usually unloving in the marriage bed. You were often angry and resentful in the marriage bed.
You tried to love me but you fell short in keeping the commands of a wife. I was patient but ran out of patience, particularly when you shut the gate on sex totally, completely and permanently on May 20, 2018.”
Anger and Discipline Because of Sin is Not Sinful
There are many weak and feminized Christians who would read the letters M’s Husband wrote saying that his acts toward his wife were unloving and not what God wants in a husband toward his wife. But those who says such things are completely and utterly ignorant of what actual love in marriage is by God’s standard and they are utterly ignorant concerning the character of God as a husband.
The Bible tells us the following in the book of Ephesians:
“Be ye angry, and sin not: let not the sun go down upon your wrath”
So right there in the text we can see there is such a thing as godly anger. It is not a sin to be angry at sinful behavior in others. God exhibits this anger toward sinful behavior throughout the Scriptures.
God brought all kinds of travesty on his wife Israel because of her disobedience before he finally had to divorce her for her failure to repent:
“6 And I also have given you cleanness of teeth in all your cities, and want of bread in all your places: yet have ye not returned unto me, saith the Lord. 7 And also I have withholden the rain from you, when there were yet three months to the harvest: and I caused it to rain upon one city, and caused it not to rain upon another city: one piece was rained upon, and the piece whereupon it rained not withered. 8 So two or three cities wandered unto one city, to drink water; but they were not satisfied: yet have ye not returned unto me, saith the Lord.”
Amos 4:6-8 (KJV)
In the book of Revelation Christ warns his churches that he will remove their candlesticks if they failed to repent. At the end of his threats toward his disobedient churches he states:
“As many as I love, I rebuke and chasten: be zealous therefore, and repent.”
Revelation 3:19 (KJV)
I do want to add one word of caution about anger that I have told to M’s Husband. As Christians we may have righteous anger toward sin as M’s Husband has toward his wife’s sin. But we must always guard against our righteous anger turning into bitterness which then becomes sin.
The False Use of the Hosea Example
Many Christian preachers and teachers teach a false doctrine based on the following passage from Hosea:
“The beginning of the word of the Lord by Hosea. And the Lord said to Hosea, Go, take unto thee a wife of whoredoms and children of whoredoms: for the land hath committed great whoredom, departing from the Lord.”
Hosea 1:2 (KJV)
In this story Hosea takes on a whorish wife who leaves him to commit adultery and then he goes and takes her back. Many Christian teachers and preachers today teach that this is showing God wants Christian husbands to tolerate and continue to stay married to their unfaithful wives while trying to softly win them back. They teach men that living in sexless marriages with defrauding wives actually is honoring to God!
Other Christians will use a passage I have used often on this site to admonish us a Christians to suffer for Christ:
“20 For what glory is it, if, when ye be buffeted for your faults, ye shall take it patiently? but if, when ye do well, and suffer for it, ye take it patiently, this is acceptable with God. 21 For even hereunto were ye called: because Christ also suffered for us, leaving us an example, that ye should follow his steps”
1 Peter 2:20-22 (KJV)
They will say that this means God calls men to suffer sexual defraudment from their wives and “take it patiently”. I have previously written that yes we has husbands are called to suffer many kinds of abuse from our wives. Our wives may disrespect us and disobey us in many ways. Our wives may shame us by their behavior. Now when I say “suffer” this does not mean we as husbands cannot or should not discipline our wives for these things. I have written extensively on the discipline of wives in my article “7 Ways to Discipline Your Wife“. But when I say “suffer” I mean we may have to accept the fact that we are going to have to live with these sinful tendencies in our wives and we cannot look to divorce them because of them.
However there are certain sins we are NOT called to suffer from our wives and to do so makes a mockery of the model of marriage. In fact the final remedy God allows for sexual immorality on the part of one’s wife is divorce.
When a man simply stands by as his wife commits sexual immorality against him either by having sex with other men or by refusing to have sex with him he shames himself and he shames the God who made him to image him.
In the book of Hosea rather then presenting himself as a passive husband quietly suffering his wife’s sexual immorality God shows himself as tough husband who divorces his wife and then threatens to strip her and publicly expose her after the divorce!
“2 Plead with your mother, plead: for she is not my wife, neither am I her husband: let her therefore put away her whoredoms out of her sight, and her adulteries from between her breasts;
3 Lest I strip her naked, and set her as in the day that she was born, and make her as a wilderness, and set her like a dry land, and slay her with thirst. 4 And I will not have mercy upon her children; for they be the children of whoredoms. 5 For their mother hath played the harlot: she that conceived them hath done shamefully: for she said, I will go after my lovers, that give me my bread and my water, my wool and my flax, mine oil and my drink.”
Hosea 2:2-5 (KJV)
Does the above passage sound like a husband who tolerated his wife’s unfaithfulness to him? The answer is absolutely not!
God said he “put away” or in other words divorced his wife Israel because of her whoredoms and adulteries. He clearly says “she is not my wife, neither am I her husband” meaning the divorce is now final. Yet he still loves his ex-wife and will still bring even more punishments on her to break her from her sin so that one day she may return to him again.
I want you to zero in on a key phrase God says when he states “Lest I strip her naked, and set her as in the day that she was born”. That is a powerful statement! God is saying he is going to shame Israel and expose Israel for her unfaithfulness to him.
This is what M’s Husband is doing with his wife. He is following God’s example with his unfaithful wife Israel. Yet the vast majority of Christians today, so woefully ignorant of the God of the Bible and so poisoned by feminism which has weakened the minds and resolve of men would condemn M’s Husband for his actions.
Let us pray that God give M’s Husband the resolve he needs to see this through to its completion. Let us pray that God will send a revival in the hearts of Christian men to see that God calls us to model him as husbands in our marriages.
A big part of modeling God as husbands in our marriages is to model his discipline toward his wives (both Israel and the Church). Men who tolerate willful and blatant sexual immorality in the form of sexual defraudment on the part of their wives are not modeling God as a husband to his people.
I pray that if you see your own weakness as a husband to confront your wife’s sexual defraudment that you will do so today as M’s Husband has done with his wife.
How should a Christian husband who fully believes in what the Bible says about Biblical gender roles handle his disabled wife? Does God exempt such wives from his command in Titus 2:5 for them to be “keepers at home”? What about God’s command in Proverbs 5:19 to husbands regarding their wives to “let her breasts satisfy thee at all times”? How should a Christian husband manage his sexual needs while also being considerate of his wife’s disabilities that might impact their having sexual relations?
These are some of the difficult questions that Christian husbands who want to follow God’s Word regarding Biblical gender roles and marriage must answer when they have a disabled wife.
Recently I received an email from a husband calling himself Bob who is struggling with how God would have him to handle his disabled wife. Below is his story.
Bob’s Struggles With His Disabled Wife
“I’m 35 and my wife is 32. I have been married for 12 years and have three boys aged 10, 8 and almost 5. My wife has had health issues since she was 16 when she had her first cardiac arrest. She had another one at 19 but hasn’t had another since taking medication. I met her a year later and we married within six months.
My wife was keen to take on the role as homemaker but at times due to health issues would need taking care of herself by me and in turn I would need to take care of the household. After a year of working full time as a teacher, running a youth ministry two nights a week, running a Sunday night church service and taking care of my wife and now new baby I broke. I had to pull back from my passions through work and ministry. I was on antidepressants for a couple of years to repair my brain from living off adrenaline constantly. All that was left was looking after my family which made me feel miserable.
My wife injured her sacroiliac joints in her back when pregnant with our second child and was having injections every few months to help keep on top of the pain. After our third child I had a vasectomy as I did not have the capacity to take care of any more people in my life. This made my wife very sad. For three years she would get quite emotional as she longed for more children. Every time we had sex she would end up in tears.
She did get through this. I had to be strong with her about it. The problem after this was that her back issues increasing got worse. This means to ever have sex, which she would do sacrificially once or twice a month meant she went through a lot of pain.
I believe in male headship in a marriage. I feel lines get blurred when I’m required to serve my wife and kids day to day. Sometimes I feel my wife has a sense of entitlement for me to do things for her because of her needs and pain. When I confront this there is the same old argument about respect, genuine pain and the gap between both our needs comes up. I’m also incredibly frustrated being the homemaker and raising my boys. I believe these roles belong to a wife and mother. I feel caged as I grit my teeth waiting for life to progress whilst giving my boys the best chance possible to do well in life and love God.
We have hired a cleaner once a week and have recently hired someone to pick the kids up from school from time to time to try and help the situation.
I’m frustrated sexually as I fight to stay pure, I’m frustrated as a man, I’m frustrated because I want to be the best husband and dad God has designed me to be but feel the health issues in my wife have stolen the ability to follow the biblical pattern to achieve it. I know it’s not her fault, she sometimes feels guilty and says it would be better if I didn’t marry her or that she died at her first cardiac arrest.
Six years ago I planted a church and have been encouraging men to lead their wives and family and not to be influenced by toxic feminism that is destroying society.
If you have any wisdom or advise that would be helpful.”
My Story Is Very Similar Bob’s
I have spoke about my wife in various articles and struggles we have had. But for a long time, I have been wanting to focus in on the aspect of my being a caregiver husband. Bob’s email was just the push I needed to do this and I hope this will be a blessing to other husbands out there who are caregivers to their disabled wives.
My wife was a nurse’s aide and then became a nurse and worked for the same hospital system for almost 20 years before she had her car accident at the end of 2012. She struggled with her weight for years and had a gastric bypass in 2011 a little over a year after we were married in 2010 she was my second wife – I had to divorce my first wife in 2009 for adultery. See my article “If We Treated Divorce Like Killing” for my exhaustive study and conclusions on divorce from a Biblical perspective.
The gastric bypass actually caused her to have cardiac issues (yes, it is strange and I did not know gastric bypasses could do that but they sometimes do). She had what appeared to be a mild heart attack as a result of complications from the gastric bypass in early 2011. After this she would have times where she experienced light headedness. She had to get on heart medication to regulate her heart. Eventually she had to step down from her nurse manager position on a surgical floor to just being a regular floor nurse again on a contingent basis. This let her work less hours and set her own schedule.
We thought she was doing better but it appeared that she had a black out, most likely caused by her heart condition, on her way driving to work one day on a highway. She hit a free way barrier doing about 60 miles an hour (according to witnesses) and the car flew up in the air. She could have died but thankfully the Lord saved her. She did however suffer a traumatic brain injury and neck, shoulder and back issues because of the accident. She has been in chronic pain ever since.
Also, the TBI (Traumatic Brain Injury) caused changes in her personality. Before the accident she was a strong and independent woman who liked to go to work and go shopping and visit friends and family. After the accident she was a fearful woman and woman with great anxiety and depression. Some of the depression was as a result of her losing her career as a nurse. She really saw her whole value in her education (her nursing degree) and her job as a nurse. She could not see her life not doing nursing. It has taken years of counseling to get her to the acceptance of the new life she is in now. She has to have a rhizotomy done on each side of her neck for her neck pain (and she has done this for six years now). She has these two surgeries done within 2 weeks of one each other every six months.
I have to manage her pain medication for her and keep it locked up because when she had access to it she would abuse it because of her chronic pain.
So, I am in a similar boat to you – I cook a lot, I help with laundry and also with my children. I have five children from a previous marriage and my wife has none. She was not able to have children with her previous husband. My wife has hinted about adoption – but I told her after the accident I do not think that is wise because she cannot even care completely for herself let alone a child full time. She loves babysitting my 2-year-old our 7-month-old nephews. But she can only do that for a few hours at time before being completely physically and mentally exhausted where she needs to retreat to our bedroom to recoup. I call our bedroom her “Fortress of Solitude”.
God’s Ideal for Man, Woman and Marriage
The Scriptures clearly tell us the following regarding why he created men and women:
“7 For a man indeed ought not to cover his head, forasmuch as he is the image and glory of God: but the woman is the glory of the man. 8 For the man is not of the woman: but the woman of the man. 9 Neither was the man created for the woman; but the woman for the man.”
I Corinthians 11:7-9 (KJV)
God created man to be his image bearer and thereby bring him glory. In order for man to fully image God he had to have “a weaker vessel” (I Peter 3:7) for him to lead, provide for and protect just as God leads, provides for and protects his people. Man needed children so he could play out God’s attributes as a father to his children. In order to help man fulfill his purpose he created woman as his helper and the institution of marriage to bind man and woman together.
Ephesians chapter five verses 22-33 paints this beautiful picture that he intended for man and woman to paint with marriage:
“22 Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord. 23 For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the saviour of the body. 24 Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing.
25 Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it; 26 That he might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word, 27 That he might present it to himself a glorious church, not having spot, or wrinkle, or any such thing; but that it should be holy and without blemish. 28 So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself.
29 For no man ever yet hated his own flesh; but nourisheth and cherisheth it, even as the Lord the church: 30 For we are members of his body, of his flesh, and of his bones.
31 For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall be joined unto his wife, and they two shall be one flesh. 32 This is a great mystery: but I speak concerning Christ and the church.
33 Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife see that she reverence her husband.”
Proverbs 31:11 tells us of the virtuous wife that “The heart of her husband doth safely trust in her, so that he shall have no need of spoil”. As we can see by looking at the rest of the chapter that means that her husband does not have to worry about any of the domestic affairs of the home. He can safely trust in the fact that as he goes about his work she has everything in order at home from food, to clothing and the care of his children. The Scriptures tell us verse 27 of Proverbs 31 that “She looketh well to the ways of her household, and eateth not the bread of idleness”. Wouldn’t that be wonderful if that is what all Christian husbands could have in a Christian wife? But for myself, Bob and many other men we must come to accept that reality that sometimes husbands and wives don’t get to play out this beautiful picture. The reason we do not is because of the corruption of sin in this world.
People get hurt, they get diseases, they have chronic pain and many other issues, both mental and physical, because of the presence of sin. And please do not misunderstand me – I am not saying people have physical problems or defects because they sinned – but rather because of the general presence of sin in the world. This brings me to my first piece of advice for Christian husbands who are caregivers to their wives.
Acceptance is Crucial
My first piece of advice to men like Bob who are trying to cope with being a caregiver husband is that we must come to a place of acceptance. Really both we and our wife must accept that it is God who has brought this trial into our lives. The Bible tells us the following regarding trials that God allows to come into our lives:
“2 My brethren, count it all joy when ye fall into divers temptations; 3 Knowing this, that the trying of your faith worketh patience. 4 But let patience have her perfect work, that ye may be perfect and entire, wanting nothing.”
James 1:2-4 (KJV)
Bob – you stated that “All that was left was looking after my family which made me feel miserable.” Now someone who does not know or embrace what the Bible says about the roles of men and women would call you selfish and mean for saying what you just said. They would say that you should consider being a caregiver husband to be a privilege and not some burden you must carry.
But people who would call you selfish are ignorant of how God made man and woman. God made a woman to look after the needs of her husband, her children and her home. So, a woman who makes a statement like yours longing to make her impact on the world outside the home and feels like she is not doing everything she could is actually selfish. Her ambition is not in line with God’s design for her as the keeper of the home. But you as a man were meant to go out and work in the world and make your mark on it.
For a woman the home is her mission, but for a man his home is only a part of his larger mission that God has given him.
So, your feelings in this regard are completely normal and part of God’s masculine design in you.
You said “I was on antidepressants for a couple of years to repair my brain from living off adrenaline constantly”. Feeling moments of great stress as caretaker husband is completely normal. It will happen and it will happen more than once.
Trust me I know from experience that “joy” is not exactly what I have felt over the years in dealing with my wife’s health’s issues or the impact they have had on our marriage and family. But we can find joy in our trials when we step back and accept that nothing that happens to us that does not first go through the throne of God.
Yes, you had passions and ambitious plans. So, did and I so did other Christian husbands who find themselves in our position as caregiver husbands. But God asks us to step back and do what he has for us to do. In our case a lot of our time and energy will go to caring for our wife and also to caring for the affairs of the home when she cannot. It wills sometimes compel us to sacrifice our sexual needs for physical needs of our wife.
And here is a very important point that we as caregiver husbands should not miss. While our marriage may not be able to fully paint the picture of Christ and his Church because our wife cannot fully serve our home and us as the Church is to serve Christ we as husbands can beautifully portray the sacrificial love of Christ by laying down our lives in our caregiving duties toward our wives.
Acceptance Is Not The Same as Apathy
I have just laid out the case for the fact that we as caregiver husbands must first come to a place of acceptance of the fact that we have a disabled wife whom God has given us the solemn duty and responsibility to care for.
But we must never mistake acceptance for apathy. What I mean by this is that God has given us as husbands the solemn duty to lead our wives and part of leading them is to spiritually wash them as Christ does his Church in Ephesians 5:25-27:
“25 Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it; 26 That he might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word, 27 That he might present it to himself a glorious church, not having spot, or wrinkle, or any such thing; but that it should be holy and without blemish.”
I find it sad how many Pastors and teachers today skip right over verses 26-27 and go straight to verses 28-29. Many Christian teachers today dismiss verses 26 and 27 of Ephesians chapter 5 as “descriptive of Christ’s work in the Church but not prescriptive for husband’s in regard to their wives”. Really? I don’t know how they make such statements with a straight face. When it comes to marriage modeling the relationship of Christ and the Church we must accept the complete model and not just the parts that we like in our culture today.
Verses 26 to 27 reveal a critical truth about marriage. The purpose of a husband giving himself up for his wife as Christ gave himself up for the Church as seen in verse 25 is not for the happiness of his wife. Today we hear the phrase “Happy Wife, Happy Life” and that our wife’s happiness should be our central goal in marriage. But this is utterly unbiblical! The purpose of marriage is not to make a husband or wife happy, but rather it is to make us holy and conform us to God’s will.
Happiness can be a wonderful byproduct of doing marriage God’s way. But it should never be the focus or goal of marriage. Some Christian teachers will admit that holiness rather than happiness is God’s goal for marriage. But then they miss the target of that holiness – which is for man to model Christ and woman to model the church. A husband and wife might be kind and loving toward one another and even sacrifice for one another. But if a husband and wife are not modeling the relationship of Christ and the Church as it is defined here in Ephesians chapter 5 they are not striving for the holiness God desires. They are inventing their own target and their own mark.
So now let me return to what I said about not mistaking acceptance for apathy. Yes, I must accept that my wife is disabled and so must you if your wife is disabled. However, that does not mean I cease to care about her holiness. My job as her husband is to teach her the Word of God and to wash her spiritual spots and blemishes with the Word of God.
Part of my job as her husband is to push my disabled wife to be the best she can be. It is to push her outside her comfort zone to be the best wife she can be despite her disability. Years ago, after my wife’s accident for a long time I did not push her to do anything around the house. But after speaking with both her medical doctors and her therapists I was told that was not a good thing for me to do. I needed to push her. She needed to learn to push through the pain and do some things around the house. She need to get out and get fresh air and not lay on the couch or in bed most of the day. This was not good for her body or her mind.
Would she experience chronic pain for the rest of her life? Yes. But she needed to learn to cope with that pain and still function. We both needed to learn to cope with our situation.
So yes, that means my wife might experience a certain amount of pain just doing the dishes. In fact, she often has to sit and rest after doing an hour or so of house work and that is ok. I help with lifting heavy things but my wife does cooking, cleaning and laundry all while suffering from chronic pain. She may only be able to do so much and then I have to step in but I make sure she is doing what she can depending on the week.
Another thing to remember when we are caregiver husbands. Our wives are going to have good weeks and bad weeks. I certainly am not going to push my wife and have her do house work right after a surgery. But there are weeks when I can tell she is having a better week and I will push her to do more.
It is very common for people who deal with chronic pain to get lazy as a result of their chronic pain and depression that accompanies it. We as their husbands have to help our wives push through these times.
What About Sex With A Disabled Wife?
In my case, my wife already had a bad attitude about sex long before she had the car accident. She had the attitude that it was her body and I had to earn it and even then, she did not have to give it. I was aggressively working on that sinful attitude she had and then she had her car accident. I let it go for a while after the car accident and then I realized she was using the accident as an excuse to become entrenched in her position that she did not have to meet my sexual needs.
That was when I took her to task and made it very clear I would end our marriage based on the fact that sexual faithfulness in marriage is a two-sided coin. On the one side if she were to go and have sex with another man that would be one form of unfaithfulness. But how could she claim to be being sexually faithful to me while denying me sex? Such a claim is a contradiction.
Again, this comes back to the ideal way God meant things to be verses the way things actually are as a result of us living in a sin cursed world. God’s ideal is that your wife would willing give you her body and joyfully have sex with you and experience pleasure and delight each time you have sex. But in this sin curse world both men and women have physical and mental issues that make our sexual experiences in marriage less than ideal. That means sometimes you might have to have sex with your wife knowing she is in pain.
But as you alluded to – not having sex with your wife puts you in a position to be tempted to fall into fornication. Remember what the Scriptures say in I Corinthians 7:2 – “Nevertheless, to avoid fornication, let every man have his own wife, and let every woman have her own husband.”
If you don’t use your wife’s body to meet your sexual needs eventually you will fall into true sexual sin. And yes, the Bible refers to sex as “the natural use of the woman” in Romans 1:27. It might come down to you not looking at her face while having sex. A lot of people take offense at me saying that as I have on many occasions. But sometimes that is what we must do. Sometimes while we are having sex we have to imagine a better scenario than the one we are actually in and that is ok. That is one of the reasons God gave us as human beings the wonderful gift of imagination.
At the same time, I would highly recommend that you talk to your wife about “faking it”. Again, this is a piece of advice many people disagree with me on. But it is not a sin to fake it and I would argue that in some cases it might just be a sin if you don’t.
How many people go to work as a sales person or in some other customer facing job where it is required that they smile and put on a good front with their customers despite their pain or other personal problems?
I find it fascinating that a woman with back problems can go to work all day as a waitress smiling for each of her customers and hiding the pain for 8 hours and then she can’t come home and hide the pain for 20 minutes while she has sex with her husband? Are you kidding me? Do we not see the utter absurdity of this?
Your Children Need to Know Men Should Not be Homemakers
Bob, you said “I’m also incredibly frustrated being the homemaker and raising my boys. I believe these roles belong to a wife and mother”. You need to make clear to your children where that frustration comes from because this is not God’s design, this is not God’s ideal. You are only having to go outside God’s norm and his design due to your wife’s physical issues.
But again, they should see you pushing your wife to do her best – whatever that may be. Unless your wife is paralyzed in a wheel chair she can do some things around house. It may be painful for her – but none of us gets to live a life devoid of pain.
The same would go for women who have to work to provide for their families because their husbands become disabled. The Children need to be told this is not God’s norm or design for the family.
The Entitlement Mentality of the Disabled Wife
Bob, you said “Sometimes I feel my wife has a sense of entitlement for me to do things for her because of her needs and pain. When I confront this there is the same old argument about respect, genuine pain and the gap between both our needs comes up”. This all too common in disabled wives and my wife struggles with this from time to time. One day she expresses her gratitude for all I do for her and the next day she will have a sense of entitlement and get mad because I forgot to pick up some medicine of hers. This is a sinful flaw that we must diligently correct in the lives of our wives. This is no different than when God had to remind Israel constantly of all he had done for her in the face ofs her ingratitude toward him.
Sometimes because we live in a sin cursed world we as men and women will not be able to fully play out the gender roles God has designed for us. But each of us must do our best with what God has given us. Specifically, as caregiver husbands to disabled wives we must first come to the acceptance of the situation God has placed us in. That might mean we can’t pursue certain career or even ministerial ambitions because of our duties to be a caregiver to our disabled wife. It might mean we have to sometimes sacrifice our sexual needs because of the health issues of our wives.
But at the same time, we should never allow our acceptance of our wife’s condition to turn into apathy towards her spiritual condition. We should not have the attitude as caregiver husbands that it does not matter what our wife does and that anything she does should be considered a bonus. We have a God given duty to lead our disabled wives spiritually and that means pushing them to do their best whatever that might be depending on their condition.
It might even mean pushing our wives to work through the pain. To wash the dishes even though it hurts. To dust the furniture even though it hurts. To put away clothes even though it hurts. And yes, they have to learn to engage in sexual relations even if it hurts. Yes, sometimes we as men need to forgo sexual relations for a small period if medically necessary – but it should not be allowed to become a long term or permanent thing.