Should a husband invite “critical feedback” from his wife as to how she would rate him as a man, a husband and a father? Specifically, should he invite her to point out areas where she thinks he may be going wrong as a man, a husband and a father and where he needs to improve?
This is what Brian Sauvé, Pastor of Refuge Church in Ogden, Utah recommends that husbands do with their wives.
Let me first say before I continue that like me, Brian Sauvé is a big proponent of Biblical Patriarchy. And I agree with many things he writes.
In a Twitter post on January 2, 2023 Sauvé wrote the following:
“Men, your wife should have your explicit permission to give you critical feedback in private.
One of the most important aspects of successfully wielding authority is to make it easy to learn where you could improve.
A wise, respectful wife is a gift – don’t squander her help.”
Sauvé then went on to clarify these comments in one of his podcasts. He compared wives being able to offer critical feedback to their husbands to church members being able to bring criticisms they have of elders and military officers bringing criticisms to their superior officers.
He also said that Pastors or elders of the church were like “referees” over the marriages in their churches and were there to call “call balls and strikes” between husbands and wives when they had marital issues and disagreements.
Sauvé qualified his recommendation that a wife should give “critical feedback” to their husband in private and in a respectful manner.
Should Men Invite Critical Feedback from Their Wives?
The Bible does not say in Proverbs 27:17 “Iron sharpeneth iron; so a wife sharpeneth the countenance of her husband.” It says men sharpen men. And women are sharpened by fathers, husbands and other godly women. Women are not called to shape and sharpen their husbands.
In his podcast on this subject, Sauvé gave examples of the ability of church members to be able to bring criticisms against elders and subordinate military officers to bring criticisms against their superior officers. But marriage is a completely different kind of hierarchical relationship than those relationships he cites.
1 Peter 3:1-2 is crystal clear on how a wife should handle it when she feels her husband is being disobedient to God’s Word whether in their marriage or in other parts of his life. She is to win him with her subjection and her pure behavior, not her “critical feedback”.
His suggestion in his podcast that if wives feel their husbands are not open to their “critical feedback” that they should bring it to their pastor to speak to the husband also violates 1 Peter 3:1-2. The only thing wives should bring to their pastors is serious physical abuse.
The Scriptures never appoint Pastors or elders of the church as “referees” over the marriages in their churches to do as Sauvé says and “call balls and strikes”. Only if it is a matter of gross sin (physical abuse or molestation of children) should a pastor step in and intercede in a marriage.
Should Christian men regularly meet with other godly men and share in their marriage issues and hear “critical feedback” from other men? Absolutely! We as men need that. It helps us to be better husbands, fathers and men.
Am I saying women can’t give advice to their husbands?
Of course not. Proverbs 31:26 says “She openeth her mouth with wisdom; and in her tongue is the law of kindness”. We as men should welcome advice from our wives. But advice is very different than correction.
Especially as it relates to the day-to-day issues with our children or the domestic affairs of the home, we as husbands should welcome advice from our wives. We should welcome suggestions from our wives.
But the fact remains that 1 Peter 3:1-2 leaves absolutely no room for a wife to verbally correct her husband. It does not say “criticize him sparingly” or “criticize him respectfully in private”. A wife wins her husband with her actions, not her words. This is the teaching of the Bible.
The custom of women bowing to their husbands, otherwise known in older times as “obeisance”, goes back to the beginnings of human civilization. This custom is still regularly practiced throughout many African nations today as well as other parts of the world.
As Christians we know that not all cultural customs are Biblical. And we also know that the commands of the Bible transcend all cultures and times. In this post, I will prove that the ancient custom of wives doing obeisance toward their husbands is not simply a relic of ages past, but that it is indeed a command to wives found in the Bible.
But before we can present the Biblical command for wives to bow to their husbands, we must first present some other commands that form the foundation upon which this command is built.
The Bible Says Marriage Is to Picture the Relationship of Christ to his Church
In Ephesians 5:22-24(KJV) the Bible says the following:
“Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the saviour of the body. Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing.”
Ephesians 5:22-24 teaches us the important Biblical principle that God designed marriage to be a picture of the relationship of Christ and his church. This tells us that we can and should look, not just at Ephesians 5:22-33, but also at all other references to how Christ and his church interact with one another throughout the Old and New Testaments to understand how marriage should operate.
A marriage built only on the principles of Ephesians 5:22-33 will be missing key and important attributes of Christ’s marriage to his church mentioned elsewhere in the Bible. In other words, a marriage modeled exclusively after the attributes described in Ephesians 5:22-33 will not fully and completely picture the relationship of Christ to his Church.
For example, Ephesians 5:25-29 commands men to love their wives a Christ loves his church and lists several attributes of Christ’s love for his church including him sacrificing himself for her, him washing her spiritual spots and wrinkles with the Word of God and him providing for and protecting his wife as he would his own body.
But Revelation 3:19 mentions some other attributes of Christ’s love for his church not found in Ephesians 5:25-29. In Revelation 3:19 (KJV) the Christ said the following to his seven churches:
“As many as I love, I rebuke and chasten: be zealous therefore, and repent.”
A husband’s love for his wife includes not his spiritual washing of her, his provision for her and his protection of her – but it also includes his rebuking her and chastening her.
The Biblical truth that the wife is to picture the church in relationship to Christ and the husband represents Christs means that a wife is to obey all the commands of God to the church relating to Christ, with the notable exceptions of worshipping her husband or seeing him as her savior from sin. Those qualities belong to Christ alone and not earthly husbands. I will address the worship issue more as this post progresses.
And now that we have firmly established the Biblical principle that marriage is a picture of Christ and the church – we will explore another passage which shows other aspects of the relationship of Christ and the church which also apply to marriage.
Psalm 45 – A Picture of the Relationship of Christ to His Church
Psalm 45 is unmistakably a prophecy of Christ and his bride, the church.
The noble attributes of the king are mentioned first in verses 1-5:
“1 My heart is inditing a good matter: I speak of the things which I have made touching the king: my tongue is the pen of a ready writer.
2 Thou art fairer than the children of men: grace is poured into thy lips: therefore God hath blessed thee for ever.
3 Gird thy sword upon thy thigh, O most mighty, with thy glory and thy majesty.
4 And in thy majesty ride prosperously because of truth and meekness and righteousness; and thy right hand shall teach thee terrible things.
5 Thine arrows are sharp in the heart of the king’s enemies; whereby the people fall under thee. “
And then in verses 6 and 7 we see that this is clearly a reference to God the father appointing Christ as King:
“6 Thy throne, O God, is for ever and ever: the sceptre of thy kingdom is a right sceptre.
7 Thou lovest righteousness, and hatest wickedness: therefore God, thy God, hath anointed thee with the oil of gladness above thy fellows.”
And then in Psalm 45:10-11 the perspective changes from addressing the King to now addressing the bride who is about to marry the King:
“10 Hearken, O daughter, and consider, and incline thine ear; forget also thine own people, and thy father’s house; 11 So shall the king greatly desire thy beauty: for he is thy Lord; and worship thou him.”
These two verses are filled with rich theology. While Ephesians 5:33 commands women to reverence their husbands – it is these two verses from Psalm 45:10-11 which help to show what the reverence of a wife toward her husband should look like.
But before we can apply what these verses are saying, we need to address a translation issue.
Is Psalm 45:11 Saying that Wives Should Worship Their Husbands?
At the latter end of Psalm 45:11 the KJV renders the verse as “for he is thy Lord, worship thou him”. Since this passage is a prophecy of Christ and his church and Ephesians 5:23 tells us the husband is the head of his wife as Christ is the head of his church – is God commanding the wives should worship their husbands?
The answer to that question is found in many passages of the Bible but Revelation 19:10 gives us an extremely clear answer where John fell at the feet of angel to worship him:
“And I fell at his feet to worship him. And he said unto me, See thou do it not: I am thy fellowservant, and of thy brethren that have the testimony of Jesus: worship God: for the testimony of Jesus is the spirit of prophecy.”
We worship God and God alone. So, we know that Psalm 45:11 is not teaching women to worship their husbands. Does that mean we dismiss the latter part of Psalm 45:11 as not applying to human marriage at all? The answer to that is no as well.
To better understand how Psalm 45:11 applies not just to the spiritual marriage of Christ and his church, but also to human marriage we will look at this same passage in the English Standard Version of the Bible:
“Hear, O daughter, and consider, and incline your ear:
forget your people and your father’s house, and the king will desire your beauty.
Since he is your lord, bow to him.”
Notice the big difference? In the KJV it tells the woman to worship the king who will be her husband. In the ESV it tells her to bow to him. And if you were to see the wording of this you would also notice that the KJV capitalizes the word “Lord” while the ESV uses a lower case “lord”.
Why is the KJV translation of Psalm 45:11 different than the ESV translation?
The reason for the difference in translation has to do with the Hebrew word “Shachah”. The most literal meaning of Shachah is “to bow down”. But sometimes when someone bows down, they are not just showing reverence, but they are also engaging in worship. In other words, worship usually involves bowing of some sort, but not all bowing is worship. Sometimes bowing is just reverence.
The easiest way to illustrate this is when Moses did Shachah in two different occasions. In Exodus 18:7, Moses did Shachah toward his father-in-law so it is simply translated as “obeisance” which a synonym for reverence. However, in Exodus 34:8, when Moses did Shachah toward God – it was more than just reverence – it was an act of worship and it was translated as such.
Psalm 45 presents a dilemma for translators when it comes to translating Shachah. In this story, we see a King being married to the royal daughter of another king. But the story here is a prophecy of Christ being wedded to his church.
So, while the KJV would not normally translate someone bowing to a king as “worship” they decided to translate it here as worship and to capitalize the “L” in Lord to indicate it is a prophecy of Christ.
The ESV translated it as “bow down” instead of “worship” because while they agreed that this is a prophecy of Christ and his church that it is using a human story of a King marrying a royal daughter and therefore her bowing down would not be an act of worship, but rather an act of reverence.
I can see reasons for both translations. But in the end if we remember that marriage is a picture of Christ and the church than any reference to Christ and his bride has application to human marriage as well.
So, when applying this to human marriage and not the spiritual marriage of Christ and the church – Shachah must be understood in its most literal sense of bowing down in reverence.
Women Picture the Church Bowing to Christ When They Bow to Their Husbands
The full Biblical picture of the marriage of Christ and his church reveals much than his sacrificial provision for and protection of his wife, the church. It reveals more than his headship over the church. A full Biblical picture of the marriage of Christ and his church also demonstrates his lordship over his church and his discipline of his church.
A full Biblical picture of the marriage of Christ and his church shows us that women are not just commanded to submit to their husbands or even just respect them – but rather they are commanded to reverence their husbands as Ephesians 5:33 and 1 Peter 3:2 command.
Who is being commanded to acknowledge her husband as her lord and to bow to him in Psalm 45:11? It is the church.
When we tie together the principle that marriage is to picture the relationship of Christ to his church (Ephesians 5:22-33) and that the Bible commands women to acknowledge their husbands as their earthly lords (1 Peter 3:6) and to reverence them (Ephesians 5:33) then we can see beyond a shadow of a doubt that the command of Psalm 45:11 is given to wives just as it given to the church whom wives are to represent.
But Aren’t Women Worshipping Their Husbands If They Bow to Them?
Many Christians, even conservative Christians who believe in male headship and wives submitting to their husbands will object to this calling it a form of “husband worship” or a wife making her husband an idol.
But this objection to women bowing to their husbands is frankly rooted in cultural ignorance. In 21st century America when we think of the word “lord” or someone bowing to another we exclusively think of God and worship.
But if we were to go to Britain – they would not associate the word “lord” exclusively with God nor would they associate bowing exclusively with worship. Because in their society they have many lords who are of a nobility class and they bow to their Queen.
In Africa, it is an ancient custom still practiced today for women to kneel before their men when being proposed to:
And traditional African brides kneel before their husbands as part of the wedding ceremony and feed their husbands:
America was founded on the rejection of nobility classes and monarchies so our ancestors came to reject all forms of bowing to people or calling people lords.
However, the Bible does not reject calling people “lord”, which means master, nor does it reject the concept of people bowing to others as a form of reverence. In fact, in the case of a wife toward her husband it actually commands a woman to call her husband lord and bow to him.
As I mentioned previously the Bible shows Moses doing obeisance in Exodus 18:7 toward his father-in-law. In 2 Samuel 9:6 the Bible shows Mephibosheth kneeling with his face to the ground before King David:
“Now when Mephibosheth, the son of Jonathan, the son of Saul, was come unto David, he fell on his face, and did reverence. And David said, Mephibosheth. And he answered, Behold thy servant!”
The word translated as ‘reverence’ here is the same as that translated as obeisance and means to bow.
This American rejection of calling anyone lord but God and bowing to no one but “King Jesus” goes directly contrary to the teaching of the Word of God in 1 Peter 3:5-6 and Psalm 45:11. And this American value, as old as it is, must be rejected by Christian husbands and wives.
Christian women must regard their husbands as their earthly lords and bow to them and Christian husbands must accept this from their wives.
The Difference Between Bowing in Reverence and Bowing in Worship
If bowing is not automatically a form of worship, which the Bible shows it is not, then what is the difference between a woman bowing in reverence to her husband and a woman bowing in worship to God?
The answer is found in the intent in the wife’s heart and how she sees her husband verses how she sees God.
Is the woman bowing to her husband in obedience to God’s command that she affirm her husband’s earthly lordship over her by bowing to him? If so, then her bowing to him is not worship which is reserved for God alone.
However, if a woman sees her husband as perfect, sinless and all powerful like God and that is why she is bowing to him – then she is engaging in an act of worship which is sin.
In other words, when we bow to God, we are and should be acknowledging his perfection, his sinlessness and his being the all-powerful sovereign of the universe.
I am often falsely accused by my detractors, whether they be Christians or non-Christians alike, of teaching that I think women should regard their husbands as gods. And nothing could be further from the truth.
Instead, I teach what the Bible says that God has placed sinful and imperfect men as the heads of sinful and imperfect women. God does not call women to submit to, reverence and bow to their husbands because these men are perfect and all-powerful beings. God calls women to submit to and bow to their husbands in spite of their imperfections and weaknesses because of the position God as ordained men to over women.
A woman’s acknowledgement of her husband’s earthly lordship over her by bowing to him is an acknowledgement of Christ’s lordship over all creation and his authority to appoint her husband as her lord.
Practical Ways That Wives Can Incorporate Bowing into Their Marriages
Now that we have established the Biblical command that wives should bow to their husbands – how can wives practically incorporate this in their marriages on a regular basis? This is the question we will address next.
The images below illustrate several ways in which a woman can bow in her husband’s presence.
The first would be her greeting him as comes home from work as seen below:
This image below from a vintage ad is routinely mocked as “sexist” yet this is very biblical behavior for women to do toward their husbands.
In many African countries today, it is still common for women to bow to their husbands when they bring them their daily meals as pictured below:
Last but certainly not least, is another way women can bow before their husbands regularly as an act of reverence and affirmation of his lordship over them.
The picture above is of an actual bride and groom on their wedding day “simulating” her performing oral sex on him as part of a series of otherwise normal wedding pictures. It is actually becoming a fad for couples to simulate this very pose as part of their wedding pictures.
I know I have extremely conservative readers and I hope you will have a sense of humor with the image above even if you don’t think a bride and groom should share such a picture. It shows absolutely nothing of what she is doing and leaves everything to the imagination.
I know many conservative Christians believe all intimate sexual acts, even if only simulated, must never be shown. But I disagree. I hope most of my readers can appreciate the humor in this image above even if you would never take such a photo at your wedding.
An interesting side note. While they did not see the actual act, it was the custom in Biblical times for two witnesses, one from the bride’s family and one from the groom’s family to stand directly outside the tent or room to hear the couple have sex.
The reason two witnesses would be just outside the door or the tent and could hear sex happening was because unlike today, sex was part of the wedding ceremony in ancient times. Sex actually occurred before the wedding vows were made to assure the woman’s virginity was intact. Then after having sex the couple would present a bloody cloth which would prove the woman’s virginity and it was kept by the bride’s family as a proof of her virginity and a memento from the wedding. This practice is alluded to in Deuteronomy 22:13-21.
And on the topic of a woman performing fellatio on her husband – yes this is mentioned in the Bible in Song of Solomon 2:3 (KJV):
“As the apple tree among the trees of the wood, so is my beloved among the sons. I sat down under his shadow with great delight, and his fruit was sweet to my taste.”
The apple tree was used as a euphemism for a man’s genitals in middle eastern erotic poems. The top of the tree with branches and fruit represented the man’s testicles and the trunk of the tree represented his penis. This Biblical author is presenting a picture of a woman sitting in her husband’s shadow (so this her being beneath him) and her performing oral sex on him. She knelt before him and performed oral sex to completion with “great delight” and his fruit (his semen) was sweet to her taste.
And for those women who say “Song of Solomon 2:3 is simply descriptive, but it is not prescriptive (commanded) for women” and I would refer you to Proverbs 5:18-19 which states the following:
“Let thy fountain be blessed: and rejoice with the wife of thy youth. Let her be as the loving hind and pleasant roe; let her breasts satisfy thee at all times; and be thou ravished always with her love.”
The Bible commands that husbands are to ravished (the Hebrew her literally means to be sexually intoxicated) by their wives. The English word “satisfy” is a translation of the Hebrew which literally means “drink your fill”. To fulfill the command for husbands to be drink their fill of their wives’ bodies and to be ravished by their wives requires the participation of BOTH the husband and the wife. It requires the husband to seek to be ravished by his wife and the wife to act in ravishing ways toward her husband.
My point here is that Proverbs 5:18-19 commands wives to ravish their husbands and the entire book of the Song of Solomon shows women how to ravish their husbands. It is absolutely true that Song of Solomon 2:3 is written in a descriptive form rather than prescriptive form. However, Song of Solomon 2:3 is part of a larger description of what it means for a wife to ravish her husband which is commanded in Proverbs 5:18-19. Therefore, Song of Solomon 2:3 is both descriptive and prescriptive for wives in marriage.
And even if one argued that they don’t see it as commanded – a husband can simply command his wife to do it and it becomes a command from God. It really is that simple.
And finally, on this topic of wives performing fellatio on their husbands, let me address the “selfishness” argument wives use to get out of performing oral sex or really having sex at all when they don’t feel like it. It is not selfish for a man to do what God commands of him. In Proverbs 5:19, God tells him to drink his fill of his wife’s body “at all times” and he commands that his wife is to ravish him.
Therefore, from a Biblical perspective it is not a man who is acting selfishly for desiring that his wife ravish him by performing fellatio on him, but rather it is the wife who acts selfishly by denying him his privilege to receive this from her as her husband.
To learn more about how you as a wife can fulfill the command to ravish your husband go to my podcast site BGRLearning.com and listen to my 3-part, 3-hour podcast series entitled “A Biblical Guide To Ravishing Your Husband”. In that series I do an extensive exposition of several passages of the Song of Solomon explaining the ancient sexual metaphors and helping wives apply them to ravishing their husbands.
Conclusion
God commands wives to imitate the behavior that he commands of the church toward Christ in Ephesians 5:22-33. And God commands the church to bow to Christ as her lord in Psalm 45:11. Therefore, wives in following God’s command to imitate the behavior of the church, must bow to their husbands as an affirmation of their husband’s earthly lordship which is also commanded in 1 Peter 3:5-6.
The act of a woman bowing is not simply a cultural relic of ages past, but rather it is a Biblical command as part of the wife picturing the church in reverence toward her husband.
And as long as a wife does not see her husband as a god, but rather she bows to her husband in obedience to the one true God, then this is not an act of worship nor is it making her husband into an idol, but instead it is simply an act of reverence.
And yes, this act of a wife bowing to her husband is extremely anti-American and goes against America’s long opposition to lords and kings. And it is extremely triggering to humanists worldwide. But it is Biblical. Therefore, Christian wives must learn to regularly do this and Christian husbands must learn to accept this from their wives.
This simple act of a wife bowing to her husband and him accepting this is a very tangible and visible way that we can bring reverence back into marriages. A woman bowing to her husband is something her children should see their mother do as well (except of course for her performing oral sex!).
And to learn more about other ways (besides bowing to him) in which you can and should reverence your husband go to BGRLearning.com and listen to my 2-part podcast series entitled “5 Biblical Ways To Reverence Your Husband”.
The Bible tells wives in Ephesians 5:24 to be subject to their husbands “in everything”. So what is a Christian wife to do if her husband commands her not to speak of the Gospel to her children? Does God want her to obey that command?
My inspiration for this article came from a comment I recently received from a woman calling herself Alice. She had been talking about how her husband had left the Christian faith and she worried about her children:
“BGR, my husband is not requiring me to abandon my faith or church, so I do not need to do anything. I really do believe if I keep my mouth shut, God will lead him home. If he wants me to accompany him to religious services at a Buddhist temple, I will, but I do worry about the children. I do not contradict him in front of them, but I am worried because he is very vocal about his disdain for Christianity.
They are in Catholic school and he does not want them to move, but his point of view is in direct contradiction of what they are learning and I don’t know what to do. I don’t tell them privately that their father is wrong, that seems like the height of disrespect toward my husband, but I also don’t want my children thinking Christianity is wrong. I also know it is not my place to teach my husband anything spiritually, so I mostly try and steer conversations away from religion. Politics is always a good foil!”
There are three separate issues here that this Christian wife is faced with. How does a Christian woman evangelize her unbelieving husband? How does she evangelize her children? And should she attend the temple of false god with him? First let’s tackle how she evangelizes her husband.
Wives Should Win Their Husbands With Their Behavior, Not Their Words
The Apostle Peter wrote the following to wives whose husbands are disobedient to the Word of God (this covers both unbelieving husbands and professing Christian husbands who are disobedient):
“Likewise, ye wives, be in subjection to your own husbands; that, if any obey not the word, they also may without the word be won by the conversation of thewives; 2 While they behold your chaste conversation coupled with fear.”
I Peter 3:1-2
So the Scriptures make clear that wives are not to try and win their husbands by preaching the Gospel at them but instead they are to win them by their subjection, and their pure and respectful behavior toward their husbands.
A key phrase that many people miss in I Peter 3:1 is the word “Likewise”. What this means is the Apostle Peter is referring to another group he was just talking about. In the previous chapter just before speaking to wives Peter speaks to slaves where he says something very similar:
“Servants, be subject to your masters with all fear; not only to the good and gentle, but also to the forward.”
I Peter 2:18
Peter was telling slaves or servants to set the example of Christ with their master’s even if their masters were cruel and made them suffer. The point was that by setting the example of Christ they may win some of their masters by their behavior.
Is Peter saying wives are identical to slaves? No. But what he is saying is that “likewise” or in the same way he had just told slaves be in subjection to their masters, even masters who mistreated them and caused them to suffer, so too wives are to use this approach with their husbands to try to win them to Christ.
Let’s bring this back to Alice now. Alice is exactly right in keeping her “mouth shut” with her husband. She needs to win him by her subjection and reverent (fearful respect) behavior. But what about her children?
God Sent A Woman Behind Her Husband’s Back
While her husband is allowing them to stay in Catholic school, he is directly contradicting everything they learn about the Christian faith. And Alice worries that she cannot go behind her husband’s back to them their father is wrong. So what should she do? What if she did go behind his back and he found out and forbid her from sharing the truth of the Gospel with her children? How should a Christian woman in Alice’s position handle this situation?
The answer to this question can be found in two passages of the Scriptures. The first is found in New Testament in the book of Acts. The Apostles had been imprisoned by the Jewish High Priest for going around preaching the Gospel but the Angel of the Lord came by night and freed them and total them to continue preaching the Gospel. The High Priests have them captured again and brought before them where the following conversation took place:
“27 And when they had brought them, they set them before the council: and the high priest asked them, 28 Saying, Did not we straitly command you that ye should not teach in this name? and, behold, ye have filled Jerusalem with your doctrine, and intend to bring this man’s blood upon us.
29 Then Peter and the other apostles answered and said, We ought to obey God rather than men.“
Acts 5:27-30
So we see here that when our earthly authority commands us to not speak the Gospel we have a higher authority in God which compels us to. Some may argue – “Well these were men and not wives”. There is absolutely no reason this same principle would not apply to a woman or a wife as well.
Sometimes even a wife must go against her husband for the sake of God or to save the lives of her family members from her husband’s evil actions. For an example of this we will look to an Old Testament woman named Abigail.
In I Samuel chapter 25 we read of a man named Nabal who has a wife named Abigail. The Bible tells us he was an evil man. David and his men were in need of food and water so he sent some men to ask for help from Nabal. Nabal rudely turned David’s men away refusing to help and asked who David thought he was to ask for such help.
David hears of this and rally’s 400 of his men to go and kill Nabal and all the men of his house. Abigail hears of the evil her husband had done and the impending death that that was coming for all the men of her household at the hands of David and his men.
She tells the servants to get food together to go to meet David and his men. In I Samuel 25:19 we read “But she told not her husband Nabal”. She literally secretly went behind his back to do what was right to save her family.
She met David and told him her husband was wrong and she was going to make amends for her husband’s evil actions. David tells her in I Samuel 25:32 – “Blessed be the Lord God of Israel, which sent thee this day to meet me”.
This was not mistake, or some sin on the part of Abigail that she needed to confess later. God wanted her to act against her husband’s evil to save the men of her house from certain death due to her husband’s evil ways.
Again let’s bring this back to Alice and her children. While she should remain silent directly toward her husband as I Peter 3:1-2 indicates the situation is different with her children. Why is it different? The reason is that her children are not her authority. Notice in I Peter 2 and I Peter 3 Peter is speaking to how we speak and act toward those above us. He tells slaves or servants to win their masters with their behavior and he says the same of wives toward their husbands.
But did this mean a slave or servant could not and should not share the Gospel with a fellow servant? Absolutely not! They have a God given obligation to do so. In the same way a Christian mother has an obligation to share the Gospel with those who are her equals or and especially with her children who are under her care.
What about attending the Temple of a False god?
Alice made the following statement about attending a Buddhist temple with her husband:
“If he wants me to accompany him to religious services at a Buddhist temple, I will”
But this is what the Scriptures tell us: “14 Be ye not unequally yoked together with unbelievers: for what fellowship hath righteousness with unrighteousness? and what communion hath light with darkness?
15 And what concord hath Christ with Belial? or what part hath he that believeth with an infidel? 16 And what agreement hath the temple of God with idols? for ye are the temple of the living God; as God hath said, I will dwell in them, and walk in them; and I will be their God, and they shall be my people.
17 Wherefore come out from among them, and be ye separate, saith the Lord, and touch not the unclean thing; and I will receive you.”
2 Corinthians 6:14-17
It is one thing if your husband wants you to attend a different Christian denomination then you have been. Perhaps you were Presbyterian and he converts to Baptist. Then you should follow him to the Baptist church. Or maybe you were Baptist and he converts to Presbyterian, then should follow him to the Presbyterian church.
And while I know some will disagree with me – if you were Protestant and your husband converts to Catholicism you should follow him to the Catholic Church. Why? Then answer is found in the following Scripture passage:
“1 Beloved, believe not every spirit, but try the spirits whether they are of God: because many false prophets are gone out into the world. 2 Hereby know ye the Spirit of God: Every spirit that confesseth that Jesus Christ is come in the flesh is of God:
3 And every spirit that confesseth not that Jesus Christ is come in the flesh is not of God: and this is that spirit of antichrist, whereof ye have heard that it should come; and even now already is it in the world.”
I John 4:1-3
All churches have some doctrinal errors and some churches have more doctrinal errors than others. But a Christian teacher and a Christian church is defined by one thing. Those who confess and preach that Jesus was the Messiah, the Savior and God in the flesh are Christian churches and those who deny any part of this are not. Period.
We can and will have strong disagreements between Christian Churches. But we need to be very careful of ever saying someone, or a church that believes Jesus was the Messiah, the Savior and God in the flesh and died for our sins on the cross cannot be called a Christian or a Christian church.
Conclusion
Christian wives have clear direction on how to handle an unsaved husband and father to their children. In regard to him they should place themselves in subjection to their husband and try to win their husband not with words, but with their pure and reverent behavior. But in regard to their children or others they may come in contact with they should follow the Abigail example of going behind their husband’s back to do what God has commanded.
They should share the Gospel with others and most importantly their children.
Abigail acknowledged her husband was wrong in a particular area, and so too a Christian mother can maintain the respect for the children’s father but at the same time teach them the godly principle that we must always “obey God rather than men”. If anyone tells us not to tell others the Gospel, we can and must disobey such a command because God is our higher authority.
Also in following this same principle of obeying “God rather than men” I do not think a woman in Alice’s situation should attend a Buddhist, Hindu, Islamic or other non-Christian house of worship. The Scriptures are clear when they state “And what agreement hath the temple of God with idols?…Wherefore come out from among them, and be ye separate, saith the Lord, and touch not the unclean thing; and I will receive you.“
It is one thing if a woman’s unbelieving husband wants to live with her in peace. The Bible tells us she should in I Corinthians 7:13 where it states “And the woman which hath an husband that believeth not, and if he be pleased to dwell with her, let her not leave him“.
But she cannot go against her Lord whether it be in sharing her faith with others including her children or in attending the temple of idols. The Scriptures are clear that we must love Christ more than our family and for a Christian wife that would include her husband:
“36 And a man’s foes shall be they of his own household.37 He that loveth father or mother more than me is not worthy of me: and he that loveth son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me. 38 And he that taketh not his cross, and followeth after me, is not worthy of me.”
Matthew 10:36-38
Lastly – I want to stress that this kind of situation where a wife must go behind her husband’s back as Abigail did should be the rarity. This should be for a life and death situation and not just for any disagreement. And the Gospel is a life and death situation. Your children’s eternal life hangs in the balance.
Are men never commanded to lead their wives in the Bible? This is the recent conclusion that Cane Caldo has come to. Cane Caldo has been a warrior against Christian feminism for many years. But recently he has come to the belief that he fell into a trap in response to Christian feminist arguments on this subject and that he now realizes he was “fundamentally wrong” in telling men that the Bible calls them to lead their wives.
“Our age’s focus on a husband’s leadership is a clever redirect away from the Biblical command for wives to submit and obey. Every instance of Biblical instruction to husbands and wives say the same thing: Wives submit to and obey your husbands. Husbands love and care for your wives. That’s the instruction in 1 Peter 3, Titus 2, Ephesians 5, and Colossians 3; in every instance where the Christian home life is addressed
…
I’ve written many posts and comments about a husband leading his wife, and I was fundamentally wrong. Over the years it has come to be that the liberal progressives proclaim the right thing for the wrong reasons and the traditionalists fight back with nonsense, and I fell into it also. Christian Feminists (both overt and those undeclared and unwitting) are quick to point out that it is a wife’s duty to obey and not a husbands right to force her to submit. Traditionalists have tried to fight this by demanding husbands lead better, and by stealing the glory of obedient women for themselves; such as when a man says his wife follows him because of his good leadership.
And all of it–the progressive tactics and the traditionalist response–is meant to tangle us up so that a wife’s temptation to rebel and abandon is never the topic of discussion; so that no one says, “Wives, obey your husbands.”
Building on what Caldo said here, Dalrock on his blog wrote in his article “Headship Sleight of Hand” the following comments:
“When I first read this it was obvious that Cane is right. But I initially struggled to put all of the pieces together. Scripture says the husband is the head of the wife. We can then deduce from this that if he is the head, then he has an obligation to lead. The Bible doesn’t state that husbands have this obligation, the husband’s stated obligation is to love his wife, and the wife’s stated obligation is to submit to her husband. But leaders clearly have an obligation to lead. The specific nature of this obligation is another question, but the basic deduction is solid. However, modern Christians don’t stop there. Next they turn the deduction around and run it backwards:
If the husband leads, he will be the head.
The reversed deduction is then substituted for the plain meaning of Scripture. This is a masterful sleight of hand. From here, submission is likewise reworked:
If the husband leads well, the wife will submit.”
Dalrock then displays a nice graphic which basically shows this progression:
The husband is the head; the wife is to submit to him becomes leaders have an obligation to lead.
Leaders have an obligation to lead becomes if the husband leads, he will be the head.
If the husbands leads he will be head becomes if the husband leads well, the wife will submit.
I Understand Where Caldo and Dalrock Are Coming From
Let me first say that while Caldo, Darlock and I would have some disagreements in various areas we are all three would agree on the need to fight against the scourge of feminism and specifically Christian feminism in the churches. In this regard I consider both these men brothers in arms and I have respect for their work.
And I can see where they are coming from on this topic. Darlock painted the Christian feminist twisting of headship perfectly and showed how they arrive at their false conclusion that a wife only needs to submit to her husband if he leads well.
Caldo writes “Likewise, a husband cannot be thwarted from loving his wife. Even if she does not obey him that is no bar to his God-given ability to love and care her despite her wickedness. If he loves and cares for her, and she refuses to obey he is clean. He did not fail to lead.”
And here is
The Call to Love is a Call to Rule
Caldo points out that in every instance of the Scriptures where the husband wife relationship is addressed (1 Peter 3, Titus 2, Ephesians 5, and Colossians 3) that we find the formula of “Wives submit to and obey your husbands. Husbands love and care for your wives”. And he is right in this regard.
But what he and Dalrock are failing to see is what kind of love husbands are called to?
Each and every time the Bible calls husbands to love their wives it uses the word “agape” in the Greek.
Agape love, unlike phileo love, is not based on an emotional connection with or affection for someone.
Agape love, unlike storge love, is not like the instinctual love a parent has for their child or a child has for their parent.
Apape love, unlike eros love, is not based on sexual attraction to another person.
Agape love is love based on a commitment or choice to love another person. It is the choice to perform certain actions toward that person not because of how they make us feel, that they are family, or that we are sexually attracted to them. This is why sometimes Agape love is rightly referred to as an “action love”.
The minimum actions of Agape love are described for us in the Bible below:
4 Charity [agape] suffereth long, and is kind; charity envieth not; charity [agape] vaunteth not itself, is not puffed up,
5 Doth not behave itself unseemly, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil;
6 Rejoiceth not in iniquity, but rejoiceth in the truth;
7 Beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things.
8 Charity [agape] never faileth: but whether there be prophecies, they shall fail; whether there be tongues, they shall cease; whether there be knowledge, it shall vanish away.
1 Corinthians 13:4-8 (KJV)
And God commands men to have this agape type of love toward their wives in Ephesians 5:25 when the Bible says “Husbands love [agape] your wives…”.
Men are not supposed to base their love for their wife on their feelings toward her at any given moment. But instead, their continued love for their wife is based on the choice they made to enter into a covenant of marriage with their wife.
But this agape love that a husband is called to have toward his wife is not just any agape love. It is NOT the same type of agape love that we are to have toward our fellow church members, or even our children.
The specific type of Agape love that men are to have toward their wives is described in exact detail in the passage below:
“25 Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it; 26 That he might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word, 27 That he might present it to himself a glorious church, not having spot, or wrinkle, or any such thing; but that it should be holy and without blemish.
28 So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself. 29 For no man ever yet hated his own flesh; but nourisheth and cherisheth it, even as the Lord the church”
Ephesians 5:25-29 (KJV)
So a husband’s agape love for his wife includes all the actions of 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 but it is also includes some additional actions not required in all forms of agape love. Husbands are to agape love their wives “AS” Christ agape loves his church.
So here are key attributes of how Christ loves his Church that are given to husbands as a model in how God requires them to love their wives in Ephesians chapter 5:
The call to love one’s wife is a call to sacrifice one’s self for one’s wife.
The call to love one’s wife is a call to wash one’s wife, to wash her spiritual spots and wrinkles with the Word of God.
The call to love one’s wife is a call to provide for(nourish) her physical needs.
The call to love one’s wife is a call to protect(cherish) her.
It must be pointed out that the first two attributes in this list are tightly coupled together and the last two items in this list are tightly coupled together.
Christian feminists love that husbands are called to “give themselves up” for their wives as Christ did his Church. Myriads of Christian feminist books and blogs have built false doctrines around the phrase “and gave himself for it”. Basically, they twist this phrase into saying Christian men should give up any desires or ambitions they have in a life long quest to make their wives happy.
But what they fail to do is realize that God describes WHY Christ gave himself up. It was to wash the spiritual blemishes, spots and wrinkles of his wife, the Church, to make her holy, not happy.
In fact, in the book of Acts we find out more about why Christ “gave himself up” for the Church”:
“Take heed therefore unto yourselves, and to all the flock, over the which the Holy Ghost hath made you overseers, to feed the church of God, which he hath purchased with his own blood.”
Acts 20:28 (KJV)
Christ did not “gave himself up” to appease or make happy his bride, the Church, but rather to purchase her with his own blood so he could then wash her and make her the glorious bride he intended her to be to him.
Now one of the mistakes that Caldeo makes that a lot of people make on both sides of this issue is that he confines the definition of the role a husband to “where the Christian home life is addressed”. That is an exegetical mistake. When Ephesians 5:25 tells husbands to love their wives “as Christ also loved the church” this tells us we can look to any part of the Scriptures where Christ is interacting with his church collectively or churches individually to understand how a husband’s love and interactions are to be with his wife.
To that end let’s now look to the book of Revelation. Here we find Christ rebuking and threatening to discipline(chasten) six of his seven churches for disobedience in various areas. At the conclusion of his rebukes and threats to chasten his churches he makes the following statement:
“As many as I love, I rebuke and chasten: be zealous therefore, and repent.” – Revelation 3:19 (KJV)
This passage is directed to his churches. This is a depiction of Christ’s love for his Bride. Therefore, it is absolutely correct to say that the call for husbands to love their wives as Christ loved his Church is a call for husbands to rebuke and discipline their wives. Christ was literally washing his wife with the Word of God in the previous passages in Revelation just as he implores men to love their wives by washing them with the Word in Ephesians 5:26-27.
This washing with the Word, this rebuking and chastening of one’s wife as Christ did is his Church is in fact a call to rule one’s wife. Only a person in a ruler can discipline someone or attempt to modify their behavior by imposing punishments for bad behavior.
The Bible even says that a man is to be “one that ruleth well his own house”:
“4 One that ruleth well his own house, having his children in subjection with all gravity; 5 (For if a man know not how to rule his own house, how shall he take care of the church of God?)… 11 Even so must their wives be grave, not slanderers, sober, faithful in all things.”
I Timothy 3:4-5 & 11 (KJV)
This passage above clearly states that God expects men to rule well their own homes and if a man cannot rule well his own house how can he rule the church of God? The wives are mentioned separately below. Some have wrongly inferred that only because the children are mentioned in the first part that wives are free of a husband’s rule and he has no responsibility to rule over them. This would make absolutely no sense. Are wives not part of a husband’s home? Are there people in the church that are not under the rulership of church elders? Such an interpretation is absurd to say the least.
Therefore, we can rightly conclude based on Ephesians 5:25-27, I Timothy 3:4-5 & 11 and Revelation 3:19 that the husband’s call to love his wife which is recognized by both Caldo and Dalrock is also a call to rule one’s wife.
What is the Difference Between a Leader and A Ruler?
In my original version of this article I only used the word “leader” because I was trying to use the language Caledo and others were using. But I have explained on this blog many times that there are different types of leaders.
There are leaders who people voluntarily follow who have no authority or disciplinary power over those they lead. Then there are leaders who have authority over others and with that authority comes disciplinary powers. A leader with authority and disciplinary powers over those under them is a ruler.
Another way to convey this truth is that while all rulers are leaders, not all leaders are rulers.
A ruler does not simply offer guidance, but they actually institute rules for those under their authority and use discipline for the breaking of those rules. In some cases rulers actually own those under their authority as well and this is how the Bible presents the husband wife relationship where the husband is called the “baal” or master/owner of the wife throughout the Old Testament. See my article “Is Christian marriage a master – servant relationship?” for more on this subject.
Conclusion
I want to return to Darlock’s process of where he thinks Christian feminism has added to God’s Word:
This first statement is absolutely Biblically true:
The husband is the head; the wife is to submit to him becomes leaders have an obligation to lead.
The husband is the head of the wife and the wife is to submit to him. It is both IMPLIED in the husband being the head of his wife and EXPLICIT in a husband’s call to love his wife as Christ loves his Church, to wash her with the Word of God and chasten her that he is called to rule her.
But Dalrock’s next statements is where feminism adds to the Word of God:
Leaders have an obligation to lead becomes if the husband leads, he will be the head.
If the husbands leads he will be head becomes if the husband leads well, the wife will submit.
Christian husbands absolutely have an obligation to lead their wives as Christ lead’s his Church. However, those Christians who say a husband’s headship is contingent on his follow through of his duty to lead are in direct contradiction to what the Scriptures say about the basis for a husband’s headship. The husband is the head of his wife whether he is rules as Christ does his church or utterly fails to model Christ’s leadership of his church. This is the explicit teaching of the Word of God:
“Likewise, ye wives, be in subjection to your own husbands; that, if any obey not the word, they also may without the word be won by the conversation of the wives; 2 While they behold your chaste conversation coupled with fear.”
I Peter 3:1-2 (KJV)
So, unless a husband tells his wife to sin (Acts 5:29) she must obey him in ALL he commands her to do. The passage above leaves no gray area. And no, it is not just talking about submission to non-Christian husbands who are disobedient. Later in this same conversation the Apostle Peter says the following of this kind of submission from wives toward their husbands:
“5 For after this manner in the old time the holy women also, who trusted in God, adorned themselves, being in subjection unto their own husbands: 6 Even as Sara obeyed Abraham, calling him lord: whose daughters ye are, as long as ye do well, and are not afraid with any amazement.”
I Peter 3:5-6 (KJV)
Was Abraham a believer? You bet he was. So, this means whether a woman’s husband is a believer or non-believer even if he is living a life that is disobedient to the Word of God and even if he utterly failing to love his wife and lead his wife as Christ does his church wives ARE TO SUBMIT. Period.
“Does the bible say anything about women being with men who aren’t followers of God? Is a man who doesn’t even believe in God still entitled to a submissive wife or am I now exempt from that?” – These questions and others were recently asked to me in an email I received from a newly married young Christian woman calling herself “D”.
D’s Story
“Hi there, If you don’t mind may I call myself “D?” I am a 27 year of woman and I have been quietly reading your blog for a while after I stumbled upon it while I was seeking out some answers online about my lifestyle. While I cannot say that I live a lifestyle that is completely working in tandem with the things you talk about, I do find your insight interesting and honest. I appreciate the thought and honesty even if I don’t always understand or want to agree with some of the things being said. If you don’t mind, I was wondering if you could help lend some insight on something that has been troubling me? I don’t really know where to go to find answers as it seems society throws people left and right, often even shaming people for wanting to understand.
I would like to start by explaining my lifestyle dynamic first so you can gain an understanding of where I am coming from. This might seem long and drawn out but stay with me, it’s sort of complicated. I do not attend church, well I have not committed myself to a church yet but I do go from time to time. I would consider myself a Christian, even if my choices didn’t always show that. While believing in God there has always been a somewhat liberal understanding of how things worked for me. As I grow older I realize how confused I really am, I was brought up one way, society tells me something else, while my heart yearns for more knowledge.
I have been happily married for 2 and 1/2 years, but here is where most Christians are going to frown down on me…
My husband doesn’t believe in God, we are intermixed in that way and I know that’s not the ideal circumstance! I will clear things up by mentioning it’s basically a mirror image of how my dad was, not believing in God while my mother did, it’s what is normal to me so I felt comfortable doing it. I wonder, did I mess up, am I wrong for this? I love my husband and I would NOT like to be one of the couples that ends up in a divorce due to our differences and arguing over stupid petty things. I hope that one day he can change his mind about God, I really have hope for that. Still in the back of my head I wonder am I wrong to be with him because of our religious differences, will we fail for this reason? I want to ensure that I won’t end up in a divorce, we really only fight about petty things for the most part.
Generally he tells me that “I don’t listen” or that “I argue with him too much.” His solution is just that I should do what he says. I feel that isn’t a reasonable for our situation for us though because our marriage isn’t exactly founded on those biblical principles, so why is he still asking for them? It frustrates me and even angers me sometimes.
Does the bible say anything about women being with men who aren’t followers of God? Is a man who doesn’t even believe in God still entitled to a submissive wife or am I now exempt from that? How do I deal with this? This is just such a strange situation and I don’t know what to do. Part of me says “I should do what he says so he is happy and we don’t fail in our marriage” while the other part says “well he is clearly wrong he doesn’t even believe in God, therefore he has no idea what he is talking about.” Also, I wonder which is worse for a Christian to be married to a non-Christian or for that couple to get in a divorce?
I would like to thank you for your time, I hope this didn’t sound too confusing. I know that you base most of your dealings with couples who are both Christians but it would mean a lot to me if you could look into my situation as well as it has been eating a way at me for a while now. If you’d like to use my story as a concept for your blog, I would be okay with that too. I wonder if there are other people struggling with my situation.”
Below are the answers to D’s concerns.
The First and Most Important Question Is Are you a Christian?
D’ Statement of her faith:
“I would consider myself a Christian, even if my choices didn’t always show that. While believing in God there has always been a somewhat liberal understanding of how things worked for me. As I grow older I realize how confused I really am, I was brought up one way, society tells me something else, while my heart yearns for more knowledge.”
I have said many times on this blog that the most important doctrine of the Bible and really the most important question of life is this:
Have we truly accepted the one true God, the God of the Bible and his Son Jesus Christ as our personal Lord and Savior believing that he died for our sins, was buried and rose again on the third day?
So, if you cannot answer with a clear and resounding yes to that question I encourage you to reach out in faith to God today and place your faith and trust in Jesus Christ today as your Lord and Savior.
The Gospel is NOT the Only Important Doctrine We Need to Accept
Just because the Gospel is the most important doctrine in the Bible does not mean it is the ONLY important doctrine in the Bible. Many Christians and Churches today falsely believe that if they are preaching the Gospel and the Gospel alone that they are doing all God requires. They believe everything else should be left alone for each individual Christian to figure out on his or her own. But God did leave us to wonder on our own as believers and the Scriptures tell us he gives us teachers to teach us in his Word:
“11 And he gave some, apostles; and some, prophets; and some, evangelists; and some, pastors and teachers; 12 For the perfecting of the saints, for the work of the ministry, for the edifying of the body of Christ: 13 Till we all come in the unity of the faith, and of the knowledge of the Son of God, unto a perfect man, unto the measure of the stature of the fulness of Christ”
Ephesians 4:11-13 (KJV)
While the office of Apostle was temporary to start Christ’s Church and true Prophets will probably not appear till the end of days we do today still see God call men to serve him as evangelists, pastors and teachers. I believe God has placed a calling on my life to be a teacher of his Word and this how I minister to his people through this blog.
The Bible also tells us that husbands are to be spiritual teachers of their wives:
“34 Let your women keep silence in the churches: for it is not permitted unto them to speak; but they are commanded to be under obedience as also saith the law. 35 And if they will learn any thing, let them ask their husbands at home: for it is a shame for women to speak in the church.”
1 Corinthians 14:34-36 (KJV)
The Scriptures exhort husbands to follow Christ’s example and wash their wives with the Word of God and again this requires teaching, correction and sometimes rebuke:
“25 Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it; 26 That he might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word, 27 That he might present it to himself a glorious church, not having spot, or wrinkle, or any such thing; but that it should be holy and without blemish.”
Ephesians 5:25-27 (KJV)
Also, Christ when speaking to his Churches of which the Bible pictures him as their husband stated this:
“As many as I love, I rebuke and chasten: be zealous therefore, and repent.”
Revelation 3:19 (KJV)
Having started with this as our foundation, let us now move on to questions for true believing Christian wives who are living with unbelieving husbands.
Which is worse for a Christian to be married to a non-Christian or for that couple to get in a divorce?
There are three ways a Christian could end being with an unbelieving spouse:
They were not a Christian when they married and neither was their spouse. Then they became a Christian after marriage.
A Christian marries another person who claims to be a Christian but the person reveals later that they never truly were a Christian.
A Christian willfully and knowingly marries a non-believer.
There is no sin on the part of a Christian who ends up with an unbelieving spouse because of the first two scenarios. However, if a Christian knowingly marries a non-believer than that Christian has a committed a sin against God according to the following passage:
“14 Be ye not unequally yoked together with unbelievers: for what fellowship hath righteousness with unrighteousness? and what communion hath light with darkness? 15 And what concord hath Christ with Belial? or what part hath he that believeth with an infidel?16 And what agreement hath the temple of God with idols? for ye are the temple of the living God; as God hath said, I will dwell in them, and walk in them; and I will be their God, and they shall be my people.”
2 Corinthians 6:14-16 (KJV)
However, the Scriptures tells us this if we find ourselves with an unbelieving spouse (not matter the circumstances of how we came to that position):
“13 And the woman which hath an husband that believeth not, and if he be pleased to dwell with her, let her not leave him. 14 For the unbelieving husband is sanctified by the wife, and the unbelieving wife is sanctified by the husband: else were your children unclean; but now are they holy. 15 But if the unbelieving depart, let him depart. A brother or a sister is not under bondage in such cases: but God hath called us to peace…
39 The wife is bound by the law as long as her husband liveth; but if her husband be dead, she is at liberty to be married to whom she will; only in the Lord.”
I Corinthians 7:13-15 & 39 (KJV)
So here is what the Apostle Paul is stating by the inspiration of God in the above passage. If a man or woman find themselves with a spouse that is not a believer and that unbeliever wants to stay married to them they must stay in that marriage. However, if the unbelieving spouse wants to depart then they may let them depart and the believing brother or sister are not bound to that marriage in those cases.
When we look at verse 39 in the context of verses 13-15 of this chapter as well as passages like Exodus 21:10-11 then we understand that if a Christian woman’s unbelieving husband provides her with food, clothing, shelter and sexual relations and he wants to remain married to her she is bound to him for life and may not leave him.
So, if your unbelieving husband matches that criteria – you cannot leave him. You are bound to him for life.
So, even if you willingly married a non-believing husband (which was a sin) if you divorce him without just cause that God allows for you are compounding that sin and doing something even worse. The fact is God can forgive you of the sin of marrying a non-Christian and he may even use you to win him to Christ as we will talk about in the next section.
Is a man who doesn’t even believe in God still entitled to a submissive wife or am I now exempt from that?
The Bible directly answers this question of yours in the following text:
“1 Likewise, ye wives, be in subjection to your own husbands; that, if any obey not the word, they also may without the word be won by the conversation of the wives; 2 While they behold your chaste conversation coupled with fear.
3 Whose adorning let it not be that outward adorning of plaiting the hair, and of wearing of gold, or of putting on of apparel; 4 But let it be the hidden man of the heart, in that which is not corruptible, even the ornament of a meek and quiet spirit, which is in the sight of God of great price.
5 For after this manner in the old time the holy women also, who trusted in God, adorned themselves, being in subjection unto their own husbands: 6 Even as Sara obeyed Abraham, calling him lord: whose daughters ye are, as long as ye do well, and are not afraid with any amazement.”
I Peter 3:1-6 (KJV)
So, the Scriptures tell you as a Christian woman to do something that very much goes against your sin nature. If your husband is doing something your believe is disobedient to God whether it is how he conducts various aspects of his personal life or even how he treats your or your children your sinful response is to try and correct him, rebuke him and then free yourself from his authority.
But the Scriptures tell you to attempt to win your husband into obedience to God whether by accepting Christ as his savior or getting his life right with God if he is a Christian. It tells you to win him without the word, without preaching at him and instead win him by your subjection to him, your living a pure life before him and your reverencing him.
The False Teaching that I Peter 3:1-6 Only Applies to Unbelieving Husbands
The key phrase “if any obey not the word” refers to husbands who are disobedient to the Word of God. This would cover unbelieving husbands who “obey not the gospel of our Lord Jesus Christ” (2 Thessalonians 1:8) as well as those husbands who claim Christ as their savior but are disobedient to his Word in various ways.
I have heard many Christian women say “if any obey not the word” is strictly speaking about unbelieving husbands and does not apply to Christian husbands who are disobedient to the Word in various ways. So, they literally try and have us believe that I Peter 3:1-6 does not apply at all to wives married to Christian husbands and they have thereby nullified the Word of God. In other words, they believe if their Christian husband is disobedient to God in his lifestyle in anyway they deem too serious they have the right to free themselves from his authority. His spiritual authority in their view is now forfeit.
The problem with this interpretation is that verse 5 blows it out of the water:
“5 For after this manner in the old time the holy women also, who trusted in God, adorned themselves, being in subjection unto their own husbands: 6 Even as Sara obeyed Abraham, calling him lord: whose daughters ye are, as long as ye do well, and are not afraid with any amazement.”
After Peter describes the type of submission that wives are to have to their husbands who are disobedient to the Word he then writes a key phrase “For after this manner” and then he goes on to talk about the holy women of old times like Sara who obeyed Abraham calling him lord. Was Abraham an unbeliever? We know he was not an unbeliever as the Bible presents him as a man who “believed God, and it was counted unto him for righteousness” (Romans 4:3).
Therefore, we know beyond a shadow of a doubt based on the full context of this passage that the phrase “if any obey not the word” absolutely applies to both unbelieving as well as believing husbands who are disobedient to the Word of God.
Can My Unbelieving Husband Demand My Submission to Him?
Another false teaching among egalitarians and sadly even most complementarians today is that a husband (whether he is a believer or not) cannot in any way compel his wife’s submission to him. In fact, that is why most complementarians in our modern times reject a husband’s authority to discipline his wife for her failure to submit to his authority. They teach the Biblical submission of a wife to her husband is completely voluntary and the part of the wife and this should not be any concern of the husband.
This false teaching comes from a faulty understanding The Greek word hupotasso which is translated as “submit”, “subject”, “subjection” and “obedient” in our English translations of the Bible.
This is the definition of hupotasso according to Thayer’s and Smith’s Bible Dictionary:
“to arrange under, to subordinate
to subject, put in subjection
to subject one’s self, obey
to submit to one’s control
to yield to one’s admonition or advice
to obey, be subject
A Greek military term meaning “to arrange [troop divisions] in a military fashion under the command of a leader”. In non-military use, it was “a voluntary attitude of giving in, cooperating, assuming responsibility, and carrying a burden”.”
So, like many words in the Bible, the context in which hupotasso is used determines if it is a voluntary attitude of giving in and cooperating with someone who is an equal verses the military use of the word which is an involuntary submission to one’s authority.
In Ephesians 5:19-24 we read the following:
“19 Speaking to yourselves in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing and making melody in your heart to the Lord; 20 Giving thanks always for all things unto God and the Father in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ; 21 Submitting yourselves one to another in the fear of God.
22 Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord. 23 For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the saviour of the body. 24 Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing.”
If you notice above I have put a separation in the text between verses 21 and 22. In the NIV and many modern translations they will be put a separation between verses 20 and 21 and the NIV even puts a note above verse 21 making it seem as though verse 21 is speaking to the husband wife relationship.
Again, just like we discussed with I Peter 3:1-6 context is key. Here in Ephesians 5:1-21 Paul is speaking to Christians in the Church in general about holy living. He then ends his general call to holy living for Christians with a call for Christians to submit to one another – this is not the military type of submission of one under authority to another, but it is the voluntary submission of equals serving and cooperating with one another.
Then he turns to the subject of marriage and the family in Ephesians 5:22.
First and foremost you will never find one passage in the Scriptures that tells a husband to submit to his wife. Not one. You will see egalitarians try and throw smoke up about God telling Abraham to listen to Sarah regarding Hagar (Genesis 21:12). But this was not God telling him to submit to his wife, but rather for him in this instance to act on her advice. Nothing in the Scriptures forbids wives from making requests of their husbands and giving them advice. And sometimes God will lead us as Christian husbands to act on our wife’s advice but this is not a husband submitting to this wife. This is no different than a King who grants the request of one his servants or follows the advice of one his advisors.
So how do we know what kind of submission it is that God calls wives to regarding their husbands? The found in the words surround the call for wives to submit to their husbands. First in verse 22 God calls wives to submit to their husbands “as unto the Lord”. In no other passage of Scripture do we find God calling someone to submit to a human authority as unto God. But only in the husband wife relationship do we see this comparison. Verse 23 further bolsters this by telling wives that their husbands are their head as Christ is the head of the Church and then in verse 24 he tells wives to submit to their husbands as the Church is to submit to Christ in everything.
So which kind of submission is God calling for? The voluntary type of serving submission between equals or the military type of submission where one is called to submit to and obey the one in authority over them? The answer is clear and indisputable. God is calling for the military type of submission from a wife toward her husband.
When egalitarians and even complentarians say that a wife’s submission in this passage is the voluntary submission between equals they are breaking the model that is being setup here. God is basing a wife’s submission on the model of our obedience to him and the Church’s obedience to Christ. Are Christ and the Church equals? We know they are not. Christ is the authority of the Church and he demands his Church’s obedience to him.
Therefore, we can say beyond a doubt that the submission that God calls wives to toward their husbands is the military type of submission which is mandatory. And just as commanders in the military must be concerned with and compel the submission of those under their authority so too husbands must compel their wife’s submission to them.
A husband who refuses to compel his wife’s submission to his authority is just as delict in his duty before God as the wife is who refuses to submit to her husband’s authority. They both are failing to model the relationship of Christ to his Church where he compels the obedience of his Church and the Church submits herself to Christ.
Conclusion
You stated this regarding your unbelieving husband’s insistence that you stop arguing with him so much and simply do what he tells you to do:
“Generally he tells me that “I don’t listen” or that “I argue with him too much.” His solution is just that I should do what he says. I feel that isn’t a reasonable for our situation for us though because our marriage isn’t exactly founded on those biblical principles, so why is he still asking for them?”
Based on all the Scriptures I have presented to you in this article I hope you realize that your husband’s motivation for asking for your submission is irrelevant in God’s view. God wants you to submit to him whether he asks for your submission or not. Your husband may want you to submit for totally selfish reasons but God wants you to submit to him, not to make him happy, but for two reasons. The first is just as I Peter 3:1-2 states that you may be able to win him to Christ by your submission, pure life and reference for him. The second is that by submitting to him you fulfill your role to model the Church’s obedience to Christ even if your husband is not fulfilling the role of loving you as Christ loves his Church.
So, D – you should absolutely listen more, talk less and don’t argue with your husband. It is one thing to give him respectful advice or make a request and let him decide what to do. It is another to argue with him. D – do you realize how if you completely changed your attitude on this and truly just talked less and submitted more that this change could cause your husband to inquire of you what happened? Then you could share with him how God changed your heart on this matter and that God showed you he wants you to submit to your husband and serve him as the Church submits to and serves Christ.
This will also remove a lot of your frustration. Because then you will realize this is not about you. This is about Christ. In way you are being just as selfish as you believe your husband is being. You are making your marriage about you. It’s not about you and your personal happiness. It’s about God and his plan for your life. Your service and submission to your husband is your service and your submission to God.
I pray that you and all Christian women who read this and who live with disobedient husbands will humble themselves today and truly submit to their husbands as unto the Lord.
The Bible tells us that Ruth laid at the feet of Boaz(Ruth 3:7-8) and it calls on women to follow Sarah’s example who called her husband ‘lord'(I Peter :6). There are still parts of the world today where women bow before their husbands and even kneel before their husbands each day to put his shoes on before he goes out to work. The Bible tells wives to submit to their husbands “as unto the Lord” in Ephesians 5:22.
All of the Biblical passages on a wife’s submission to her husband leads us to this very question that was recently asked by one of my readers:
“Is it wrong to worship my husband? I love him and want to please him in a way that worship is the only way I can describe it.”
I can’t tell you how many emails I have received from people over the years saying that I am telling women they must worship their husbands. In this article I will give what I believe the Biblical answer to this question is.
What does “worship” mean?
Here are three definitions of “worship”:
“: the act of showing respect and love for a god especially by praying with other people who believe in the same god : the act of worshipping God or a god
“ 1. reverent honor and homage paid to God or a sacred personage, or to any object regarded as sacred.
2. formal or ceremonious rendering of such honor and homage:
They attended worship this morning.
3. adoring reverence or regard:
excessive worship of business success.
4. the object of adoring reverence or regard.
5.(initial capital letter) British. a title of honor used in addressing or mentioning certain magistrates and others of high rank or station (usually preceded by Your, His, or Her).”
So we can see in these definitions from three dictionary sources that worship has to do with reverence, adoration, and deities. I personally believe Google’s summary definition of “the feeling or expression of reverence and adoration for a deity.” most accurately reflects the correct understanding or our English word “worship”.
Does the Bible command wives to reverence their husbands?
“reverence” is defined as:
“: honor or respect that is felt for or shown to (someone or something)”
As we can see our English word “reverence” has to do with “deep respect”, “awe” and “veneration”. It is pictured by someone bowing down to another. You would show reverence when you meet the President or a governor. People coming before a King would do so in reverence.
So the answer to the question “Does God call women to demonstrate reverence as we have just seen it defined toward their husbands?” is YES.
“Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife see that she reverence her husband.”
Ephesians 5:33 (KJV)
God tells wives to reverence their husbands in Ephesians 5 where he has just finished explaining that marriage symbolizes the relationship between God and his people, between Christ and his Church. In the beginning of his discussion on marriage he told wives this:
“22 Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord. 23 For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the saviour of the body. 24 Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing.”
Ephesians 5:22-24 (KJV)
Paul tells wives they are to submit to their husbands “as unto the Lord”. While the Greek word is “kurios’ in the original text of the Scriptures is “lord” the reference here is not to “a lord” as in an earthly master. The reference is to “THE Lord” as in God himself. So it is would be entirely correct to say Biblically speaking wives are to submit to their husbands as they would to God himself.
There is no other human relationship, whether it be the parent/child relationship, servant/master or citizen/governor that calls for this type of submission. The submission of a wife to her husband is the most powerful and all-encompassing submission of any human relationship God designed.
The casualness of marriage today
Reverence and respect are foreign words today in marriages and in homes in general. Children no longer respect their parents and wives no longer respect their husbands. We have very casual way in which we now approach one another – whether it be in how children approach their parents or in how wives approach their husbands.
The result of this is that children often talk to their parents in very disrespectful manners and wives often talk to their husbands in disrespectful manners. To put it bluntly – both women and children have forgotten their place.
People in favor of a more casual approach to God as well as to marriage will often point to passages like these from the Bible showing that God calls us his friends:
“Ye are my friends, if ye do whatsoever I command you.”
John 15:14 (KJV)
“And the scripture was fulfilled which saith, Abraham believed God, and it was imputed unto him for righteousness: and he was called the Friend of God.”
James 2:23 (KJV)
What they do not realize is the concept that there are friends that are equals, and friends that are not equals.
“He that loveth pureness of heart, for the grace of his lips the king shall be his friend.”
Proverbs 22:11 (KJV)
If you are friends with a coworker or fellow student at school then it is a friendship of equals. In this type of relationship you can be more casual because of your equal positions. But if you are on friendly terms with your boss at work, your teacher, or even your governor, President or King this is not an equal friendship and this must always be kept in mind by those under authority.
This is the continual balance that must be kept between those in authority over others and those under authority.
Today when people say “I want to marry my best friend” – most often what they are really saying is they do not want a patriarchy style of marriage but rather a partnership style of marriage which is a violation of God’s design for marriage.
Am I saying it is wrong for a wife to call her husband her best friend or husband to call his wife his best friend? No.
I think it is possible for a Christian couple to fully practice the Biblical Patriarchal form of marriage and also consider each other to be friends. The Bible calls us friends of God so I see no reason why a wife could not be a friend of her husband.
But in that friendship it must never be lost on a wife that her husband is more than her friend – he is her superior and her authority. That means sometimes he will have to correct her, discipline her and do things that she will not like or agree with.
What this means in practice is that a wife should treat her husband as her king.
Can she be friends with her king? Of course. Can she respectfully give advice to her king? Certainly. Can she respectfully bring her grievances before her king? Definitely. But in her relationship with him she never forgets her position or his.
So now that we have established that the Bible does teach that wives are to reverence their husbands we will now move on to the subject of wives adoring their husbands.
Does the Bible command wives to have adoration toward their husbands?
I think Webster’s dictionary definition of “strong feelings of love or admiration” for adoration best describes it.
So does the Bible say a wife should have deep feelings of love and admiration for her husband? YES.
“3 The aged women likewise, that they be in behaviour as becometh holiness, not false accusers, not given to much wine, teachers of good things; 4 That they may teach the young women to be sober, to love their husbands, to love their children, 5 To be discreet, chaste, keepers at home, good, obedient to their own husbands, that the word of God be not blasphemed.”
Titus 2:3-5 (KJV)
The English phrase “to love their husbands” could also be translated as “lovers of their husbands”. This is deep and passionate love that a wife has toward her husband.
“A virtuous woman is a crown to her husband: but she that maketh ashamed is as rottenness in his bones.”
Proverbs 12:14 (KJV)
A wife is not only called by God to passionately love her husband, but she is also called to be his crown. A crown brings a king glory as it adorns his head. A wife is called to do the same for her husband. This is why God says “the woman is the glory of the man.”(I Corinthians 11:7).
So we can see clearly from the Scriptures that God commands women to have adoration for their husbands.
So if women are to have reverence and adoration toward their husbands then should they worship their husbands?
Now we come to the answer to this question of wives worshiping husbands. As we have seen from the definition of worship in most cases it involves three things – reverence, adoration and a deity. Yes wives are to reverence and adore their husbands. But the Bible is clear that we are to worship God and God alone:
“And I fell at his feet to worship him. And he said unto me, See thou do it not: I am thy fellowservant, and of thy brethren that have the testimony of Jesus: worship God: for the testimony of Jesus is the spirit of prophecy.”
Revelation 19:10 (KJV)
The context of Revelation 19 is that an angel of God had shown John all these wonderful things and I am sure the angel was a glorious sight so he bowed to worship him. But he was forbidden from doing this and reminded that worship is reserved for God and God alone.
It is Biblically accurate to say that a husband’s position and authority over his wife is in fact the closest human authority to God’s authority over all mankind. But while a husband’s position may closely resemble God’s authority – it is not identical to God’s authority. God’s authority has no limits while every sphere of human authority does have it is limits – including the authority of a husband.
Should a wife submit unto her as unto God as the Scriptures exhort her? YES.
Should a wife show reverence toward her husband? YES.
Should a wife show adoration toward her husband? YES.
Should a wife worship her husband? NO.
God and God alone deserves our worship.
Is it wrong for a woman to bow to her husband as shown in the picture?
Now that I shown from the Scriptures that women are not to worship their husbands do I believe what the woman in the picture at top of my article was doing is wrong? NO.
Women should have that kind of respect and adoration for their husbands that they could bow before him and not feel like this is wrong. Bowing before an authority, whether it be a king of a country, or the king of your home is not an act of worship. It is a deep sign of respect.
When women in some countries kneel before their husbands each day to put his shoes on before he goes to work this is a sign of deep respect.
But doesn’t a wife bowing before her husband dishonor her?
No it does not. The Bible does call on husbands to honor their wives, but this honor is given relevant to her subordinate position.
“Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honour unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered.”
I Peter 3:7 (KJV)
There is an interesting contrast in Scripture that most Christian teachers and preachers miss today.
Wives are called to submit themselves unto their husbands in this way:
“as unto the Lord”
Husband are called to give honor unto their wives in this way:
“as unto the weaker vessel”
Now I want you to stop and think about that contrast. Literally what the Bible is saying is a woman should give her husband the same type of submission as it would be appropriate to give to God. Where a husband is called to give his wife honor that is appropriate to her subordinate position as the weaker vessel.
So yes husbands should honor their wives as the husband of Proverbs 31 did that praised his wife for her accomplishments in his home. But a husband ought not to give his wife honor that is above her position as some men do today.
Today the biggest problem we face is not women wanting to worship their husbands as this reader’s question might suggest. The biggest problem we face in our modern culture is very much the opposite.
Today instead of husbands giving honor unto their as wives “as unto the weaker vessel” they now give honor unto their wives “as unto the Lord”.
Just look at a random selection of romantic cards for women in a card shop and tell me I am wrong. Look at the lyrics to most romance songs today and tell me I am wrong. Watch a typical romance movie today and tell me I am wrong.
So yes women ought not to worship their husbands. But it is equally true that husbands ought not to worship their wives and this is by far the greater problem we face in our world today.
This post has been updated and moved to my new site dedicate exclusively to the topic of sex from a Biblical perspective. You can find the updated version of this article on that new site here.
Should a Christian wife have to participate in a threesome or abort her child because her husband tells her to? Some Christians teach that women should submit to any and all requests their husbands make even if they believe that in doing so they would be directly sinning against God. Other Christians believe that if a husband is not living a righteous and holy life he has no authority over his wife at all regardless of whatever requests he asks of her.
How should a Christian wife handle such situations?
The Two Extremes on Submission
When it comes to the submission of wives to unrighteous husbands there are extremes on both the left and the right side of this issue.
On the left we have Christians who believe women only have to submit to husbands that are righteous and treat them right (as they see right).
This comment I recently received from a Christian woman illustrates the left position on wives submission to their husbands:
“In your blog you speak a lot about women submitting to the authority of her husband. Even when her husband is sinning (i.e.denying her sex, which you admit is her right to have) she must still submit to him. She cannot do as men and deny him dates, gifts, etc. Here you say a husband should show love toward his wife and can please his wife, but he must please God above her. I agree with that. However, isn’t a woman’s duty to please God before her husband also? If he isn’t treating her as a Christian husband should, should she follow an unrighteous man?
Authority is given from God, if we do not follow God we lose the power that comes with that authority. Therefore, his authority becomes useless. Would a sinful man have her well-being in mind? I would think not. I agree a man is the leader of the home, but I also believe a woman is only obligated to submit to her husband’s righteous desires the same as a man should only please a woman when her desires are righteous.”
There are so many things wrong with this statement it is hard to know where to begin.
I have never stated that a wife has to stay with her husband if he sexually denies her. I have shown from the Bible that a Christian wife may divorce her husband for these 4 reasons:
If he fails to provide her with food and clothing (shelter is implied with clothing).
If he refuses to have regular sexual relations with her (sexual defraudment).
If he physically abuses her or makes attempts on her life.
However this woman is not looking for serious reasons she may divorce her husband. She is looking for reasons that she does not have to submit to him. These grave sins I have described are not reasons for a wife to stop submitting to her husband’s authority – they are reasons to end the marriage so he is no longer her husband. If the woman chooses to stay even if he is chronically sexually denying her, physically abusing her or refusing to work then she must continue to submit to him. As long as he is her husband she must submit to him.
So if a woman were to come to me and tell me “I am not divorcing my husband for refusing to work and playing Xbox 7 days a week while he sends me out to work. But I won’t submit to him either.” – I would tell that woman she is wrong. She has two choices – submit to her husband or end the marriage so he is no longer her husband. Those are her only two choices.
A wife does not submit to her husband because he is “treating her as a Christian husband should” or because he has “her well-being in mind”. She submits to her husband because God has commanded it. A husband, Christian or non-Christian, does not lose his authority over his wife if he does not follow God’s Word.
This woman and a whole host of Christians today ignore this passage from Peter on the subject of submission of wives to unrighteous husbands:
“3 In the same way, you wives, be submissive to your own husbands so that even if any of them are disobedient to the word, they may be won without a word by the behavior of their wives, 2 as they observe your chaste and respectful behavior.”
I Peter 3:1-2 (NASB)
This passage makes it crystal clear – wives are to submit to sinful and disobedient husbands. Whether your husband is a Christian, a non-Christian or a professed Christian who is living in disobedience if you are his Christian wife you are to submit to him despite his sinful behavior.
This attitude toward submission is by far the biggest problem today with Christian’s attitudes toward marriage.
But there is another extreme – the far right extreme. And while this far right extreme may be a small minority and some think it is not worthy of our time even to address their false teaching – as Christians we must also stand for the truth and stand against false teaching.
It does not matter if many people are teaching a false doctrine or just small groups are teaching it – false teaching is false teaching and it must be exposed.
Should we not talk about exceptions to submission?
Some of the people on the far right of on this topic of Biblical submission believe we should not talk about exceptions to submission. This is demonstrated in recent comments by the blogger Deep Strength:
“You’re falling prey to the same trap that women do. It’s an obvious diversion! You don’t answer the question to an obvious diversion or if you do then you have to tie it back to righteous attitude and actions.
Good answers to a question like “But what if my husband commands me to sin?” are:
“lf that ever happens, feel free to call me at any time and we’ll look through the Scriptures to discuss it. Now, as I was saying about submission…”
“When’s the last time you heard a husband command his wife, much less to sin? Now, as I was saying about submission…”
“You should find where it says it is a sin in the Scripture. Then you come to him with a respectful and submissive attitude and say: ‘Hey, I think this may be against what God says in the Scripture here and my conscience. Is there anything else I can do instead to make it up to you? Now, as I was saying about submission…”
The point is to stay on topic because the desire to divert a topic away from uncomfortable Truths is one of the strongest temptations that women have which is the desire to be rebellious. Submission is righteous and holy. Discussing it is good, and diversions away from it are to play right into temptation.”
Deep Strength argues that it is a “diversion” and a “temptation” to even discuss exceptions to a wife’s submission to her husband. He acts like it is so rare and unfathomable that a husband would ask his wife to sin. Does he forget how many Christian women are married to unbelieving husbands? Husbands that might ask their wives to do drugs? Husbands that might as their wives to have sex with their friends or participate in a threesome? Yes these things happen.
And yes even professing Christian husbands may ask their wives to do sinful things. Just because it is rare does not mean it does not happen.
I really don’t see the fear these men have of discussing exceptions to submission. Since when is the truth a “distraction” or “temptation”?
It is actually very easy to address these exemptions and then continue on in the topic of submission. We don’t ever have to be afraid of the truth as Christians.
Now are there Christian bloggers who add to the exemptions to submission like the way the female commenter did above? Yes and they do it all the time. But just because people add to God’s Word does not mean we can take away from it.
We are to teach the whole counsel of God. We are not to go to the left or the right:
“Turn not to the right hand nor to the left: remove thy foot from evil.”
Proverbs 4:27 (KJV)
People on the left and right extremes of submission both have something in common. They both dismiss those passages they don’t like and they both add things to the text that are not there. But we are not to take away from God’s Word or to add to it – but instead we are to follow the entire Word of God:
“Ye shall not add unto the word which I command you, neither shall ye diminish ought from it, that ye may keep the commandments of the Lord your God which I command you.”
Deuteronomy 4:2 (KJV)
So truth about the submission of wives to their husbands is very simple. A wife is to submit to her husband in all areas of her life and everything he wishes her to do or not do as long as he does not ask her to sin against God. Even if he asks her to sin against God she should respectfully refuse his request but this does not mean she stops submitting in every other way. Even if her husband is living a sinful life either as a Christian or non-Christian she must submit to him. She is not responsible for his sin, she is only responsible for hers.
But this then brings us to the final part of submission to sinful requests by husbands to their wives.
Is a wife responsible for doing something sinful if her husband commands her to do it?
This statement was made by the blogger Moose Norseman in his post “For clarity’s sake”
“But perhaps the last one tells the most. Do these blogs and ministries teach young women to be obedient to their husbands, or do they teach things like this:
“Submission does not mean that the men in authority, whether in the church or in the home, are always right. They aren’t. They’re sometimes and often wrong. They sin, as do we. Submission does not mean blind obedience. It does not mean that we sin in order to submit. It doesn’t mean that you overlook sin in the authority. “(emphasis in original)
And this:
“Now, what if he asks her to participate in a threesome, abort her baby, or help him commit robbery by stealing from a bank? Should she submit in these instances? NO!”
A reminder about headship and covering: The one that is covered bears no iniquity. It is the authority that bears the iniquity.”
Moose first presents a false dichotomy – If a Christian teacher teaches that there are any exceptions to God’s command that wives are to submit to their husbands then the person is said to be negating the entire Biblical teaching of the submission of wives to their husbands.
So according to Moose – a Christian wife should participate in a threesome, abort her baby, help her husband commit a robbery and do anything else her husband requests of her even if she believes that action would be a sin against God. If she does God will not hold her accountable – in fact he honors her for participating in acts she believes are sinful if her husband asks her to do it.
This teaching by Moose Norseman is not just simply absurd – it is the very definition of heresy. Any teaching that tells someone it is ok to sin against God is heresy.
As believers we will often disagree on Bible interpretations and what is and what is not sin. But to acknowledge that something is a sinful activity and then say God is ok with us doing that sinful activity under certain circumstances is the height of heresy.
The Apostle Peter made this point abundantly clear:
“Then Peter and the other apostles answered and said, We ought to obey God rather than men.”
Acts 5:29 (KJV)
Moose bases his heresy on a passage from the book of Numbers which is linked from the phrase “the authority that bears the iniquity.”
“13 Every vow, and every binding oath to afflict the soul, her husband may establish it, or her husband may make it void.
14 But if her husband altogether hold his peace at her from day to day; then he establisheth all her vows, or all her bonds, which are upon her: he confirmeth them, because he held his peace at her in the day that he heard them.
15 But if he shall any ways make them void after that he hath heard them; then he shall bear her iniquity.
16 These are the statutes, which the Lord commanded Moses, between a man and his wife, between the father and his daughter, being yet in her youth in her father’s house.”
– Numbers 30:13-16 (KJV)
The key verse Moose is pointing to is verse 15 of Numbers chapter 30:
“But if he shall any ways make them void after that he hath heard them; then he shall bear her iniquity.”
This is a great passage of Scripture that I have spoken about several times on my blog. I do not disagree that this passage demonstrates the headship of man over the women in his family whether it be his wife or his daughters.
But what it does NOT show is that a husband can ask his wife to directly participate in an activity that she believes is a violation of God’s law and that God would honor her for obeying his sinful command and participating in these kinds of sin.
In this case with her broken vow the husband by not overriding the vow his wife has made when she made it has taken on the penalty for her not fulfilling that vow if he stops her from doing it. If he tells her he has changed his mind and does not want her to fulfill the vow she made then he bears what would have been her sin. It is his sin now since he approved her vow.
A simpler way to say this is – when a woman makes a vow to do something in her husband’s presence and he either remains silent or actively agrees with her vow then as her husband he takes on the responsibility and the penalty if he stops her from fulfilling that vow.
Conclusion
God’s Word teaches us two important principles as it relates to the submission of wives to their husbands. God tells wives to submit to their husbands in “everything” (Ephesians 5:24) but the Apostles when told to disobey God said that “We ought to obey God rather than men” (Acts 5:29). So when we take the whole counsel of God on the matter of submission we see that wives are to obey their husbands in all things unless their husband directly tells them to do something that would violate God’s law.
It really is that simple.
Christians on the left of Biblical submission want to find every way they can out of submission so they abuse the principle that “We ought to obey God rather than men” by saying things like if your husband chooses a church you disagree with you don’t have to follow him there which is utterly false. But then on the far right of Biblical submission we have those like Moose who claim that there are no exceptions for wives submitting to their husbands and even if their husband asks them to participate in a threesome or kill their child they must do these things.
The people of God must avoid all extremes. We must instead walk the straight path – following the whole counsel of God and not veer either to the left or the right.
Should a Christian man risk his wife divorcing him to confront her feminist and rebellious tendencies? Or is it an act of sacrificial love for a husband to submit to his wife in order to save his marriage? Should a husband attempt to discipline his wife until she accepts her place in God’s design knowing that she might leave him and take his children?
These are the kinds of questions that are raised by a story I received from a man who identifies himself as “John” in response to my post “Fathers can save our families from feminism”.
John’s Story
“My wife and I married as equals. We were not Christians in a true sense, but had cultural ties to Christianity. I believed in feminism when I married. After we had our first child something changed. Looking into my new daughters eyes awakened something in me. I knew at that point that there absolutely was a Creator God and there was NO WAY this child was a random event. I began searching in earnest for God and He found me and saved me on May 1st 2005.
Any Christian reading this will understand when I say that my journey with Christ has been wonderful, challenging, exciting, and unexpected! Unfortunately my wife, who I adore, had not joined me yet😔. Also I have come to understand the perils of feminism and the benefits of a biblical family structure. When I have tried to lead I’ve been shut down entirely. She has threatened divorce thrice and hired a lawyer once. I believe she is serious about not only not being submissive but about calling the shots as she has also rejected her own ideals of equality.
My lawyer told me she would get the kids and everything. So I’ve submitted to protect my family. I can accept the insinuations on this website that I am weak or pathetic or groveling or whatever. These are just unkind words. But I’m convicted by the thought that I’m disobedient to God in my stance. I’m truly confused now. I accept that feminism is a lie, that the bible is truth, and I’m ready and willing to act in that way and lead my wife. I wish to do so sacrificially and gently by putting her first. Her adamant refusal and willingness to blow up the family gives me pause. Our children will be hurt and taken from me, their father, if this happens. From the frying pan into the fire! Help!…”
John let me say first and foremost that my heart goes out to you and the millions of men who have to deal with this kind of situation you are dealing with in regard to your wife’s rebellion toward you as the authority God has placed over her.
Egalitarian or “partnership” marriages are based on a lie
Your statement:
“My wife and I married as equals. We were not Christians in a true sense, but had cultural ties to Christianity. I believed in feminism when I married.”
What I think you mean by the phrase that you “married as equals” is that you embraced the modern belief that marriage is an equal partnership. You were feminists and egalitarians.
Your statement:
“I believe she is serious about not only not being submissive but about calling the shots as she has also rejected her own ideals of equality”
Your wife’s behavior proves a truth that I have said many times on this site. In most so called “equal partnership” marriages the woman is actually the head of her husband and her home. In a few “equal partnership” marriages the man is actually the head but he is much more subtle about his leadership than men are in traditional or Biblical marriages. Your wife does as you say and “calls the shots”. This makes her the dominant and you the submissive.
Egalitarianism is a lie that many people believe and your wife is one of them. One person will always be more dominate than the other. This is the nature of human relationships. She has lied to herself as so many women do and convinced herself that she truly believes in and acts as an equal partner in your marriage when she clearly does not.
A marriage will either be a “subtle” patriarchy (male lead) or a “subtle” matriarchy (female lead) – there is no such thing as true partnership marriage.
The only difference between the subtle matriarchy in most self-proclaimed egalitarian marriages and the overt patriarchy practiced in traditional and Biblical Christian marriages is that the wife tries to convince herself and her husband that she is not really leading the relationship and the family. But make no mistake she is the matriarch.
Even if true partnership marriages existed – they would exist in direct violation to God’s design of marriage and the family.
Sometimes your Christian faith may cost you your marriage
Your story of the birth of your daughter bringing you to Christ is one I have heard before. For many it is not until they see the beauty of new human life that they realize there truly is a God and he really does have a plan for our lives. I am so glad you came to place your faith and trust in Christ.
The Bible tells us that sometimes our faith, especially when we start to live it and put it into practice will make enemies even in our own home!
“34 Think not that I am come to send peace on earth: I came not to send peace, but a sword.
35 For I am come to set a man at variance against his father, and the daughter against her mother, and the daughter in law against her mother in law.
36 And a man’s foes shall be they of his own household.
37 He that loveth father or mother more than me is not worthy of me: and he that loveth son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me.
38 And he that taketh not his cross, and followeth after me, is not worthy of me.” – Matthew 10:34-38 (KJV)
We can see in the words of Jesus Christ that sometimes our Christian faith will bring us into direct conflict with those closest to us – even those whom we love. Your wife, the woman you love, has become your spiritual “foe”. Some may object to me saying this about your wife but the words of Christ could not be clearer here.
Now God also wants you to love your enemies and pray for them:
“But I say unto you, Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you” – Matthew 5:44 (KJV)
But remember what Christ said in verses 37-38 of Matthew 10? Yes you are to love your enemies and pray for them but you are not to love them more than God. What Christ means here is if you allow your family (and this includes your wife) to cause you to sin against God or not to follow God’s commands for your life then you are not worthy of Christ. The phrase “worthy of me” does not mean you will lose your salvation as some Christian teachers falsely teach. It means you are not living your Christian life in a way that is worthy of what Christ has done for you. Christ is admonishing you to run the Christian race (live the Christian life) in a way that is worthy or befitting of what he has done for you.
Paul speaks of a person’s faith and the impact it has on their unbelieving spouse causing divorce in I Corinthians:
“13 And the woman which hath an husband that believeth not, and if he be pleased to dwell with her, let her not leave him.
14 For the unbelieving husband is sanctified by the wife, and the unbelieving wife is sanctified by the husband: else were your children unclean; but now are they holy.
15 But if the unbelieving depart, let him depart. A brother or a sister is not under bondage in such cases: but God hath called us to peace.” – I Corinthians 7:13-15 (KJV)
Here is the truth – God commands that you lead your wife:
“23 For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the saviour of the body.
24 Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing.” – Ephesians 5:23-24 (KJV)
He also calls on you to sacrifice yourself in effort to make your wife holy as Christ gave himself to make his church holy:
“25 Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it;
26 That he might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word,
27 That he might present it to himself a glorious church, not having spot, or wrinkle, or any such thing; but that it should be holy and without blemish.” – Ephesians 5:25-27 (KJV)
God does not call on you to keep your wife in the marriage at the cost of you disobeying his commands to lead your home. If she wants to depart you must let her depart. Will it cause a lot of emotional pain to you and your children in doing this? Absolutely it will. But this is a sacrifice that God has called you to make in obedience to him. If you fail to do this then you are in essence loving your marriage and family more than you love God.
Your children will be hurt in either case
I just spoke about the hurt that divorce will cause your children. But realize that your children will be hurt in either case.
If you stay your children will be hurt by the bad example they see of their father submitting to their mother. This completely breaks the model of marriage and it goes against the natural relationship that God created there to be between a man and woman.
And no Ephesians 5:21 is NOT talking about husbands submitting to their wives in marriage. This heresy is wide spread in the Church today but it flies in the face of the Scriptures.
The short answer is this. The Greek word hupotasso which is translated as submit, obedient, submission and subjection in the KJV is a military term meaning to “to arrange under, to subordinate, to subject, put in subjection, obey” and in most cases it is referring to obeying one’s authority. But there are some cases where it used in the sense of “voluntary cooperation” and this is the sense it is used in Ephesians 5:21 when speaking of the relationship between church members in the assembled church.
But it is impossible to see hupotasso having this same meaning of “voluntary cooperation” in the relationship of a husband and wife because God pictures the husband and wife relationship as that of Christ and the Church. Are Christ and his Church equal partners? Does Christ submit to his Church? The answer from Scripture are clearly NO.
This is why it is the height of absurdity to say that husbands are to submit to their wives in the sense of laying down their authority that God commands them to take in marriage.
Children need to see a strong father who leads his family and a mother who demonstrates what submission to authority looks like. In this way they learn both what proper leadership looks like and what proper submission looks like.
If you stay in your marriage your children will have a very warped view of what masculinity and femininity mean and what leadership and submission are to look like in God’s design.
In essence you are standing your ground with your wife not only because of your higher allegiance to God and his commands for your life but also for the betterment of your children. Right now and for the next year or so it will be very tough on them. But eventually they may come to faith in Christ (if they have not already) and come to respect that stand you took for God.
You won’t lose your kids and you won’t lose everything
Your Statement:
“My lawyer told me she would get the kids and everything.”
John if your lawyer told you that then you need to get a new lawyer. There was a time when women used to get full custody of the kids in most divorce cases and Dads only got two weekends a month at best. Thankfully that has changed as men have fought back and law associations dedicated to fighting for men’s rights have come to the rescue. Courts are less likely to award alimony and if they do it is only temporary. Yes you will have to part with half your physical assets but you will be able to start over.
Yes you will have to pay child support but I would fight alimony. In divorce whoever is the most patient usually wins. In most cases court appointed arbitrators will try and scare you into a settlement but it is your right to take your case all the way to the judge. Unless they can prove that you would be an unfit parent you can file for joint custody.
I have joint physical and legal custody of my kids and I know several of my friends that also share joint legal and physical custody with their ex-wives.
There are two keys to getting what you want from divorce – patience and steadfastness. Make sure what you want is realistic and then stand your ground and do not be pressured by your lawyer, her lawyer or a court arbitrator to agree to anything less.
I would suggest you turn your wife’s divorce threat around on her. Tell her if she divorces you that will mount a “scorched earth” campaign against her if you feel you are being unfairly treated in the divorce. Tell her a “scorched earth” campaign means if she does not agree to a fair division of the assets and joint legal and physical custody up front you will hire the most expensive lawyers you can find to drain every asset you have. You are willing to lose your home and everything to your name in this effort. You will drag this out in court for years if you have to. Turn the tables on your rebellious wife. Be the man that God meant for you to be.
I pray that God will give you the courage to take the tough actions ahead you need to take and to stand firm and like a man.
“Be on the alert, stand firm in the faith, act like men, be strong.”
Biblical Gender Roles 