How to Emotionally Connect with Women (Part 1)

I respectfully disagree with the main idea of this post that men stick to talking about actions and concrete ideas without verbalizing their feelings because of lack effective roles models.

Men do these things because they are men, it is how we as men are designed.
The reality is that most men (not all) simply do not feel the need to attach feelings to most things in life. Men are objective by nature, and women are relational by nature. It is how God designed us.

Objectivity is what makes men better leaders and problem solvers than women often times because most men (not all) are able to separate their emotions from the task at hand which must be done.

I reject the modern concept that men need to change themselves to be more like women and women need to change themselves to more like men where in the end we have this new great unisex being.

God created us distinctively different and instead of fighting the sex differences and trying to change them we should respect and embrace these differences.

Does that mean a man should never listen to his wife’s feelings? Of course not. But does that mean a man needs to try and modify his thought processes to be more like a woman, where they attach relational aspects to each and every event? No.

Do husbands and wives need to communicate? Absolutely. Every successful relationship depends upon good communication, whether it is between a husband and wife, a child and parent, or with coworkers at work.

But good communication does not require a man to be more like a woman, and woman to be more like a man.

For instance anyone who has been in any long term relationship or married for any length of time knows that women sometimes just need to talk out their feelings. They don’t need the “problem” fixed or analyzed, they just want to talk about it. So we as men are told not to try and solve the problem but just to listen.

I believe that advice is good to a certain extent. However, sometimes a problem needs a resolution and it needs to be addressed right away, there is not time to sit around and explore “how we feel”. In this case a man needs to use his objectivity and analytical abilities to cut through the emotional fog and fix the issue.

Other times when an issue is not as urgent or it does not require “fixing” then I agree men just need to listen.

But women need to realize that when we are listening to them vent, and just supporting their venting process this can sometimes (not always) be a painful event for us as men. Our analytical brains have solved your issue 12 times over, and we feel like you may have repeated the same information 40 times. We may not have much emotionally to say except, “I am sorry they did that to you” or “I am sorry that is making you feel so bad”. Women need to accept that may be the best we can give as men.

In the same way that men can’t expect their wives to get into all their hobbies the same as their guy friends do.

With men and women there are varying degrees of emotional openness. I have shed tears in my life much more than I saw my father shed them. But it has to do with my personality. Some men are naturally more emotionally vulnerable than others. In the same way some women are more emotional than others.

I am not saying I don’t believe in personal growth either. As a Christian I believe I am called to grow each and every day. But personal growth does not mean a complete change of personality, or that I can or should make myself more like a woman, any more than a woman should be expected to be more like a man.

I am not saying it is not valuable to read books or blog articles to find out how the opposite sex thinks, and how they process the world around them. I highly encourage that. Men should read about and learn about how a woman’s thought processes work and women should about men as well. But that is not the same as modifying one gender, to be more like the other gender in their actual world outlook and brain processing.

thelovemanifesto

men oneMany of the stereotypes surrounding the male gender do not apply to all men. Yet their widespread acceptance inhibits the way men communicate.  For example, not all men prefer to occupy their Sunday afternoons sitting on the couch, eating potato chips, yelling at the TV over a football game.

Traits such as having a sense of fashion, appreciating art, or knowing how to dance are often perceived as feminine and males who possess these qualities must be homosexual.  Questioning the sexuality of heterosexual men based on these traits is a mentality that much of our society shares.  Sexual preference is not determined by personal interest or personality.

Regardless of your sexual orientation, men tend to be confined by “social norms” or generalized based on gender (often against their will).  For many generations men have been crippled by the effects of these stereotypes.   For example, the belief that men have no…

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Is attraction a choice? (Part 1)

I agree that initial attraction is not a choice. I think though when you are in a long term relationship and your spouses body changes that is where the choice comes in. You can choose to overlook the flaws they have accumulated or not to a certain extant. As a man I think we have to a bit forgiving if our wife gains some weight, but there are limits. If you wife was 150 lbs when you met and were initially attracted to her and eventually grows to a weight of 275 lbs you cannot force yourself to be attracted any more. You need to talk about it. I agree that what is on the outside is not the only thing by which we should find someone attractive, but the outside does matter in combination with other internal factors. Great site.

thelovemanifesto

attractionCan you choose who you are attracted to?

Is this a matter of nature?

Or nurture?

Maybe both?

Is attraction something that you can shape?

That grows or wanes depending on other factors?

I grew up in a traditional Christian background that accurately, perhaps for misguided reasons, promoted attractions as more than just something physical. In other words, you should not choose to go for someone just because they were physically or chemically attractive to you. Instead you should go deeper and look at their character, their pursuits, and their whole person.

I say misguided for one reason. Much of Christian dating advice has focused so exclusively on being a “good Godly biblical” person that they have totally missed key elements of psychology, relationship building, and friendship which are absolutely necessary for a healthy relationship. Following God properly does not excuse you from the hard work of building a relationship.

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What if I don’t have an hour glass figure?

Bodyshapes-female

Millions of women ask themselves this question each and every day. Most studies show that men prefer women with an hour glass figure, and a 60 to 70% hip to waist ratio. Are women who don’t have an hour glass figure doomed to be single? What about middle aged women who used to have an hour glass figure when they were young but don’t anymore?

I am primarily writing this toward single women looking to find husbands.  But at the end of the post I will address this from the perspective of married women.

First full disclosure – I am a married man around 40 as I write this post. I think far too often women read articles from other women on this subject, but they don’t get the male perspective and I will try and provide an honest perspective here.

Do men really prefer the hour glass figure on a woman?

Yes men prefer the hour glass figure to the other body types. It is hard wired into us. If a man were to look at a series of pictures with woman’s body types as shown above, with just the body and not the face or neck shown the vast majority would choose the hour glass figure.

Is it only possible for petite women to have hour glass figures?

A common myth or misconception that women believe is that it is only possible for petite women to have hour glass figures.  The fact is that even large built women with a much larger amount of fat can actually be very attractive to many men.  Take Kim Kardashian as a woman that is certainly not petite but is considered very attractive and she has an hour glass figure.

Can a woman with love handles and extra weight still have an hour glass figure?

Yes! Just because a woman has a belly or or some love handles does not mean she can’t still have an hour glass figure.  The main point of an hour glass figure is to have that curve between the waist and the hips and between the breasts and hips.  Honestly most of us a men could care less about if a woman has love handles and a belly and far more if she has that essential curve between her breasts and hips.

What are the reasons that woman don’t have the curve of the hour glass figure?

The first reason some women just don’t have that curve between their breasts and their hips is because of genetics.  Some women just have a boxier figure closer to that of a man and it has nothing to do with being overweight.  Some women have a “pear” shape because they have very small breasts. There are some very slender women that just have an “apple” or “banana” figure as shown in the picture above.

But there is a second type of woman that has lost the curve between the bottom of her breasts and the top of her hips for one reason and one reason only. She has gained so much weight that she has essentially lost the natural curves of her body.  In essence she has either a boxy or oval shape as opposed to an hour glass shape because she over eats and does not exercise.

Will men date or marry a woman that does not have an hour glass figure?

So what if you have that apple shape, banana shape or pear shape – will men still want to date you? Absolutely! What if you have gained so much weight that you now have an oval or round shape and have lost your curves? Yep! There are still some men who will want to date you too.  You can see it every day around you. Young men, middle aged men and older men walking along side women that do NOT have hour glass figures. So right now you might be scratching your head. If men prefer the hour glass figure to the other body types, then why do we see them with women who do not have hour glass figures?

The reasons men date and marry women that do NOT have an hour glass figure

The first reason is we as guys understand that just like not all of us have broad shoulders and a muscular build so too not all women have an hour glass figure. Many of us guys are smart enough to realize we are bald, or have some extra weight ourselves.  Maybe we are super skinny and scrawny. But the point is that many of us as guys don’t exactly line up with all the physical features that women typically want either.

Another reason is that just because we think the hour glass shape is the most attractive figure, does not mean we can’t find women with other figures attractive.

Sometimes a woman may not have a very attractive form, but she may have something that is attractive on her, like beautiful breasts, beautiful legs or a beautiful face and for some men that is enough.

Sometimes a man will fall head over heels for a woman who would not seem very attractive to most people just because of her personality although this is rarer for men to do with women than for women to do with men(because of our visual natures).

What should women who don’t have hour glass figures do?

I think the Serenity Prayer is a good place to start:

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,

The courage to change the things I can,

And wisdom to know the difference.

There are some things about your body that you will never be able to change. Remember that while men find the hour glass figure the most beautiful, that does not mean other figures are not beautiful too.

If you have narrow hips or no hips, you can’t change that, it is how God made you. But maybe you have narrow hips but nice breasts – then you should play to your strengths and wear clothing that accentuates your breasts.

Maybe you are like many women that have very small breasts, but you have hips or legs, again accentuate your strengths.

What if I don’t have anything to work with?

First be sure you really don’t have anything to work with, most women are far more critical of their bodies then men actually are. Let me paint a worst case scenario. Let’s say you are a woman that has flat hips(as opposed to rounded), no curve at the waste, chicken legs(bony legs), no breasts, and no pretty face.

You still have something you can work with – your personality and your inner beauty.  But even then you need to make sure you wear nice clothes and keep yourself up.  You may not be able to change the outside, but you can certainly change the inside.  You can make yourself a radiantly beautiful woman by the way you talk to men and the way you present yourself.

Don’t come off as desperate, but be humble.  Humility in a woman is very sexy to many men. In fact this is a problem many(but not all) of those hour glass women have which is a complete lack of humility.

I used to make a statement in high school over 20 years ago and I have continued to say it ever since.

“The most dangerous woman is the woman who is more beautiful than most women and knows it”

It is extremely hard to find a woman like this that still has humility. Some men still date and marry women like this because they are just as shallow as some of these women are so they make a great pair.

What if I am overweight?

While you can’t change your body type or face, weight is something you can change. You can work out, you can eat differently. Many men will overlook some extra weight on a woman depending on how she carries the weight.

But there is a certain point where as the weight increases it directly affects how many men will find you attractive. Contrary to all the statements online and elsewhere, beauty does have a weight limit, it may be different depending on height and body build, but there is a limit.

Don’t be angry at men for preferring the hour glass figure

This is perhaps the biggest thing women without hour glass figures need to realize. I have seen some visceral hatred of men for preferring women with hour glass figures both online and in real life.

After I got divorced, and before I met my current wife, I went out just as friends with a woman I went to church with. She was a nice woman to talk to and we had a lot in common because we went to the same church and had the same beliefs and life values. She taught one of my children in Sunday School.

She had been divorced for many years and my mother thought she would be a good match for me. I went out with her three times (as friends) but I simply could not get passed her figure. We had some great discussions and some good laughs.

But there simply was no physical attraction. This woman was 5ft tall and probably weighed well over 250 pounds. Since we agreed we were just “friends” she confided in me her frustration with men. She told me she would go on dating sites and put pictures of herself from her breasts up to her head.

She then would tell me she would talk to these Christian men online and they would agree to a date, then go out with her one time and see what she looked like below the waste and never go out with her again.

The majority of her extra weight was in her legs and buttocks so her photo showing only her head and breasts was in essence false advertising. I could never bring myself to share with her my belief that she needed to represent her full self honestly.

She would rail on how men were superficial for having a problem with her extra weight, while all the time I understood exactly why they did. She was unwilling to try and lose weight, men just needed to stop being so superficial or so she thought.

Can overweight women still get men?

Of course they can, they do every day. But the reality is if you as a woman are overweight it will directly affect the pool of eligible men that will come your way in direct proportion to how much overweight you are.

So if you are a really overweight woman you have two choices – you can accept that your weight will lower the pool of eligible men and be content with that. The other choice is to make a change and do something about your weight. There are many things about your body or face that you cannot change, but you can change your weight through diet and exercise, it is not easy, but most things in life that are worthwhile (like raising kids) are not easy.

But the worst thing you can do is sulk or get mad at men for preferring women that are closer to their optimal weight or have hour glass figures.

What about if I gained weight after I was married?

Most married men who love their wives can forgive some weight gain.  Also if you had some extra pounds when your husband married you then that means he accepted you as your were and it would be unfair of him to expect you to radically alter your figure after marriage.

But what happens with many women if we are honest is they simply let themselves go after marriage. It is one thing to gain 20 pounds, or maybe even 40 or 50 pounds over several years of marriage and having children.  But if you have gained a massive amount of weight to where you would not even recognize the woman you were when you married your husband I think you need to do some soul searching.

But he gained weight too so why do I have to be concerned about my weight?

Ladies I am going to be blunt here.  This is just an excuse for you not to take any action.   While men have a responsibility to care for their bodies as well – weight gain by their wives has a significantly higher effect on men and their attraction to their wives than it does for women in attraction to their husbands.

And lets be honest about another fact.  We as men typically don’t care if our wives find us physically attractive.  Most men don’t crave and strongly desire for their wives to call them handsome all the time.  We want our wives to respect us, submit to us, be beautiful for us and enthusiastically give her body to us in the bedroom.  If you do those things we are happy campers.

But you ladies want your man to think you are beautiful and to call you “pretty”, “beautiful” and “gorgeous”.  And if you don’t care about this then this a major violation of what it means to be feminine, what it means to be a woman.

So if you want your man to think your beautiful then you have to earn it. You need to do your utmost best to maintain that figure that you had when you married him(being realistic of course in accounting for age and having children).

 

What Men Want

My wife likes to watch Top Model and I can honestly say that most of the women on that show are far too thin for my liking. A woman is supposed to have 50% more fat than a man in proportion to their bodies, that is what give a woman the curvy look and cushy feel. It makes sick when I see these young girls fretting about a small belly or a few love handles, that is ok and they are still beautiful. On the other hand I do not agree with the crowd that says “beauty has no weight limit”, if most of us were honest we would say it does.

As human beings we are wired to find balance as attractive. If we see a person is out of balance(too skinny or too fat) they become less attractive.

respect thy #selfie project

You didn’t hear it from me, but Lisa Vanderpump is one of my boyfriend’s favorite people.  Okay, that’s a bit of an exaggeration, BUT he was the one who introduced me to Vanderpump Rules, the its-so-bad-you-can’t-look-away show where Lisa Vanderpump’s restaurant, SUR’s employees run-a-muck.  Anyway, this article isn’t about Lisa, it’s about Giuliana Rancic.  This past Sunday afternoon flipping through the channels, boyfriend stopped on E News- Rancic was interviewing Vanderpump, and he made a comment on how awful Rancic looks.

While I try not to rag on other women’s bodies, I can’t help to agree with boyfriend.  Let the investigation begin.  Ten years ago, this is what Rancic looked like, fresh and healthy.

Guilianna 2002 Guilianna 2002

During this interview, Vanderpump made Rancic look like a scarecrow.  With oddly high cheekbones, sunken in eyes, and the tiniest arms, I can’t help but question whether or not this is a healthy weight…

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Does objective beauty exist?

Group of four happy smiling women

Plato famously said “Beauty lies in the eyes of the beholder”. This is a question that Plato and many philosophers have asked for centuries. I have actually held an opinion on this question since being in high school (over 20 years ago) and while my opinion has been refined a bit, it basically has remained the same.

Let me be clear before I begin, that in this post for the most part we will be discussing physical outward beauty, and not as much the inward beauty of the mind and soul. In other posts I will touch on inward beauty as well. This will be the first post in a series of posts I will be writing dealing with the subjects of beauty, body image and physical sexual attraction.

Also in this post I am discussing beauty as it relates to sexual attractiveness in human beings, as opposed to animals or other things in nature. Also for the most part I will be discussing attractiveness from the male perspective, as men for the most part are far more visually wired for sexual attraction then women. I will hit on a few important physical characteristics that women are attracted to in men as well.

Three types of beauty

Objective beauty is the idea that human beings are hardwired to find certain physical traits more or less attractive in the opposite sex.

Relative beauty is a sub form of objective beauty. Relative beauty is the idea that a man or woman, when compared to others within their age group or other demographic group, are considered beautiful.

Subjective beauty is the philosophy that what is considered beautiful is different for each culture, and each person. With this type of beauty, anyone one could be beautiful because there are no defined parameters for what “beautiful” is.

Objective beauty
Is there really such as thing as objective beauty? In our modern culture today, most people would probably answer no. But I believe there is such a thing as objective beauty.

Here are some articles based on studies of men and their perceptions of beauty that prove there are some objective qualities that men find most appealing in women:

http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/201206/eternal-curves
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/09/05/17-facts-about-human-sexual-attraction_n_3817941.html

Even without reading those articles we can look back to sculptures made thousands of years ago to see what men considered to be attractive:

Nefertiti_Standing-striding_Berlin

This is a statue of Neferneferuaten Nefertiti (ca. 1370 BC – ca. 1330 BC) who was the royal wife of the Egyptian Pharaoh Akhenaten.

This 3000 year old statue (and many others like it from different cultures around the world) confirms what men consider to be objectively beautiful. Consider the general body characteristics of this 3000 year old Egyptian woman:

Breasts: the first most defining characteristic of female beauty are breasts. While men may have some differences in the size and shape of breasts they prefer, all men want to see some type of breasts on a woman. Again this statue shows a woman with small, yet firm breasts something that the vast majority of men would find attractive.

The Bible even speaks of the importance of a woman having breasts and it’s connection with femininity:

“We have a little sister, and she hath no breasts: what shall we do for our sister in the day when she shall be spoken for?”

Song of Solomon 9:8(KJV)

60 to 70 percent hip ratio: Study after study shows that most men prefer a 60 to 70 percent hip ratio on a woman. African and South American men may go as high as 80 percent. But the fact remains that men prefer this type of hip ratio. Rounded hips (as opposed to flat hips) are one of the two most important physical characteristics that men look for in women.

When a woman has full breasts, a 60 to 70 percent hip ratio and rounded hips this is how we arrive at the hourglass figure that men find most attractive:

Bodyshapes-female

Smooth skin: When it comes to skin, both men and women prefer smooth skin. No one could honestly say they prefer wrinkles, skin blemishes and fat rolls to smooth, roll free skin.

Face: Contrary to popular opinion among women, most men (not all) do care about the beauty of a woman’s face. Ideally men would like a woman to have a beautiful face and form, and they don’t want to have to choose between the two. However I will admit that facial beauty is probably the least “objective” type of beauty there is. This is because of racial considerations, what one race considers to be attractive facial features and what another considers attractive facial features may be quite different.

Group of Women

The form of a woman’s body, and the beauty of her face have always been important to men as we see in these Biblical accounts:

“And Leah’s eyes were weak, but Rachel was beautiful of form and face.”

Genesis 29:17(NASB)

“Esther… the young lady was beautiful of form and face…”

Esther 2:7(NASB)

Legs: Legs are also an important characteristic that men look for in women. The idea of women shaving their legs is not completely modern. Women in ancient cultures also found crude ways to shave their legs if their clothing or culture demanded it. For instance if the women wore dresses or danced or did things that would generally reveal more of their leg they would shave them. Other women whose clothing mostly covered their legs did not shave. But beyond shaving, the shape and tone of a woman’s legs can make them more or less appealing to men.

Generally smooth and toned thighs and calf’s, with defined ankles are attractive to the vast majority of men. Bumpy, fatty legs, or boney legs (also known as chicken legs) are not generally regarded as attractive to most men. “Cankles” (where a woman’s calf seems to go straight into her foot with no defined ankle) is considered less attractive than defined ankles.

Long hair: There is a reason that the vast majority of actresses and models have long hair, and that is because it yet another defining female characteristic.

The Bible talks about the glory of a woman’s long hair:

“Doth not even nature itself teach you, that, if a man have long hair, it is a shame unto him? But if a woman have long hair, it is a glory to her: for her hair is given her for a covering.”

I Corinthians 11:14-15(KJV)

Buttocks – Men prefer a round and plump buttocks. To be sure, just as with breasts, there are some differences in preferences. But based upon the profile of the Egyptian statue we are studying, she most likely has a full, firm and round buttocks.

Overall firmness
– I have mentioned firmness a few times here and I want to clarify. The type of firmness men look for in women does not mean tight muscles, or big muscles. Most men (aside from body builders), do not find muscular women attractive as having a high muscle content is most associated with masculinity.

Overall balance – Men want to see a balance in a woman’s body. Full breasts are great, but if they are too large in proportion to her body then large breasts can become less attractive to most men. The same could be said of a woman’s buttocks, hips, legs or any other part of her body. This is something that men and women would share in common as to what they deem attractive. Balance is always attractive, things that are out of balance, or proportion are not considered to be the most attractive.

Beauty, youth and health are all connected
There is a connection between objective beauty, youth and health. The connection is fertility. This is not to say all younger women are objectively more attractive to men as that would certainly not be true. But the fact is that a young attractive woman, would generally be more attractive to a man than an attractive older woman because of her fertility. Most men are not even consciously aware of this, but this is a biological truth.

It is a biological fact that women with youthful, balanced bodies that are not under weight or over weight are more fertile. A woman’s weight (and thus her appearance) does affect her fertility.

http://www.webmd.com/infertility-and-reproduction/news/20071211/obesity-linked-to-infertility-in-women
http://www.webmd.com/baby/guide/8-ways-to-boost-your-fertility

Relative beauty

This type of beauty is similar to objective beauty with the difference that not all people would find these women attractive. A woman may be considered relatively attractive when compared to her peers. For instance a woman in her 70’s may no longer be objectively attractive, but she could be relatively attractive when compared with her peers.
We see this all the time when we say things like “for her age, she is a beautiful woman”. This does not mean that most men would find her more attractive than younger attractive women, it just means she still has a nice form for her age.

These three women demonstrate relative beauty by age. Here we have a young woman with her mother and grandmother. All of these women could be considered relatively attractive for their various age groups.

Three generations with a striking resemblance

Like objective beauty, you would not have to know anything about an older woman to say she was relatively beautiful for her age.

Relative beauty could also relate to women of different weights. For instance men might say of an overweight woman – “compared to most women in her weight range, she is a beautiful woman”.

Subjective beauty
This brings us to the beauty that knows no boundaries, the one that Plato spoke of. There are several reasons that a man may find a woman subjectively attractive:

Sometimes because of what a man knows about a woman – he may not know her personally, but he knows about the kind of woman she is and that makes him find her attractive.

An woman who would be not be objectively attractive can make herself more attractive by how she acts toward a man, she can draw him to her and cause herself to be subjectively attractive just by her attitude and personality.

How he feels about her – He cares for her.

She reminds him of someone he cared about.

He has been conditioned to find women of her build and type attractive by family or other cultural influences. A good example of this is that in some primitive tribes women with out of balance features like extra-large buttocks or extra-long necks are found most attractive by the men of their village. But this is a conditioned and instilled type of attraction, not a biologically hardwired attraction.

The old man walking down the street with his 70 year old wife still finds her attractive because of how he feels about her (she is subjectively beautiful to him).

Applying the three types of beauty

When men see a young, balanced looking woman, with smooth skin, firm breasts, a firm buttocks, and a 60 to 70 percent waist ratio walking down the street and they find her attractive, that is most likely an objective attraction that is a response to their hardwired biological drive to seek out fertile females.

Sometimes men are attracted to an older women because they possess the form and physical attributes of a much younger woman.
When a man does not find a woman attractive because of her body being out of balance(either being overweight or underweight), or because she has no breasts, or because her hips are straight like a man’s, or she is too muscular that is because his brain is telling him she is less fertile, and therefore less attractive. Again this is based upon objective, hardwired parameters for attraction in the male brain.

However, some men can be conditioned to find women attractive that would otherwise be considered unattractive (from a fertility perspective) for a variety of reasons as we pointed out in the section on Subjective beauty.
Let me illustrate how the different types of beauty might work with these examples:

The 70 year old man still finds his 70 year old wife attractive because of how he loves her – that’s subjective beauty.

That same 70 year old woman could be found attractive by other men in her age group – that’s relative beauty.

A 20 year old woman could be subjectively attractive to her husband, relatively attractive when compared to most 20 year old women, and objectively attractive to all men of all age groups.

A 40 year old woman who has kept her youthful appearance, having a beautiful form might be considered more attractive than a 20 year old boney woman with no breasts. This not because the 40 year old woman is necessarily more fertile than the 20 year old, but because she has the physical qualities that a fertile 20 year old woman might have.

But what about what women find attractive in men?
It would be wrong to say that women care nothing about what a man looks like. A woman could see a man across the room who she has never met and find him attractive. However, for most women physical appearance is a much smaller part of what they find attractive in a man.

Women also like to see a toned man. But with women, muscle to a certain extant is very attractive (unlike to most men, muscular women are not as attractive). But there comes a point as my wife has pointed out to me on several occasions, that some of these body builder men have way too much muscle where their faces are all muscle as well and then they are not as attractive any more.

A man can have too much muscle, just a woman can breasts that are too large – it is possible to have too much of a good thing.

Height is very important to most women, they want the man to be taller, and they don’t mind often that he is towers over them.

Women generally prefer men with full heads of hair. Yes there are sexy actors or singers that are bald that women like. But that is because of how they feel about them as an actor or singer (subjective beauty).

But in the same way that an objectively unattractive woman can make herself attractive by how she carries herself and acts, so too a man who is not objectively attractive can make himself very attractive to women.

Women find confidence very attractive in man. Women find intelligence a very attractive feature in man.

If you had to sum up the differences between how men and women are with physical appearance it would be this – women get over a man’s lack of objective beauty and switch to subjective beauty a lot easier than men do. It is just a difference in how the sexes are wired.

More and less objectively attractive
I will talk about this more in other posts on the subject of body image but I wanted to address it here a bit. Some women reading this might come away from this depressed thinking men expect women to have perfect faces and bodies and this is untrue for most men. It is true that there are a small percentage of women in this world that are perfect (from an objective vantage point) in almost every part of their body. Some women have beautiful breasts but have skinny or boney legs. Other women have beautiful legs and almost no breasts. Some women have beautiful faces but are vastly overweight.

Some men may be tall, but have almost no muscle mass. Some men might be muscular but bald. Other men may be overweight but they have a handsome face and nice hair.

My point is that for many women, they may not have a perfect body, but there are other attractive things about their body. The same could be said for men as well.

Emma Thompson Thinks Moms Should Take a Year Off From Work

I would not hold up Emma Thompson or most Hollywood actress moms as being great models of motherhood. But as they say “even a broken clock is right twice a day”. I do think there are some great moms that work, that do truly try and make the most of every minute away from their jobs with their children.

I would change Emma’s statement as follows and replace “great” with “best”:


You can’t be the best mum you can be and keep working all the time.

In the full interview at http://www.dailymail.co.uk/tvshowbiz/article-2638443/Emma-Thompson-Take-year-work-children-says-actress-career-hold-12-months-worth-30million.html she also stated:

“Motherhood is a full-time job.
‘The only way I could have continued working would have been by delegating the running of the home to other people.”

Those two statements don’t need any changes, they are absolutely true as stated.

Emma also talked about taking time off to be with her children:

“I highly recommend others to do the same if they can afford it.”

As I have stated many times on this blog – there are women who are single mothers, or married to disabled husbands, or they simply live in poverty and she must work – there is nothing wrong with a mother working in this case. In this case she truly is being the best mom she can be, because she must work in order to feed and put a roof over her children’s heads.

But let’s be clear about Emma Thompson – she took a year off as “a gift to herself” to play “full time mom”. She will be going back to work. So believe me I am not holding her up as some shining example of full time stay at home moms. But as I said previously, even a broken clock is right twice a day.

So yes you can still be a great mom and work full time, but you cannot be the best mom you could be and give your absolute best to your children and also work full time. You cannot be in two places at once. You will either be with your children full time, or you will be with them 50% of your time. It really is that simple.

TIME

Emma Thompson, who recently starred as the Mary Poppins author P.L. Travers in Saving Mr. Banks, took a year-long break from her acting career to spend time with her 14-year-old daughter and recommends other mothers do the same.

“You can’t be a great mum and keep working all the time,” she said in an interview with the Daily Mail published Saturday. “I wanted to spend more time with my family. A year off was my birthday present to myself. I didn’t actually act or write. I was just a mum.”

Thompson said she spent time teaching drama at her daughter’s school and cooking. “I highly recommend others to do the same if they can afford it.”

Luckily for the Love Actually star, she can afford it: Thompson is reportedly worth roughly $50 million, according to Page Six. Not all moms have that luxury, and some even argue that

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Why I don’t believe women should have careers outside the home

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I am often asked why I don’t believe women should have careers outside the home. Why should men get to have an education and a career and women don’t? It’s not fair right?


The first question we need to ask

There are several ways I could answer these questions from a Biblical perspective, but there is a much simpler question that transcends all religions and cultures that I often ask when I am in a room full of people having this discussion.

I usually look to the men and make it very personal.

Your met your wife while you were both attending college and university. You were both enlightened and after all, a woman deserves to have a college education and career just as much as man right? So you both finish college and both begin your careers.

Couple of graduates outdoors

You are both about 25 years old, a few years out of college when your wife tells you she is pregnant. It is the most exciting news of your life, second only to when she agreed to marry you. As the months pass and the baby grows inside of her the question arises “how long will you take off from work when the baby is born?”

She says “well I can’t take off too long or it might damage my career, so I am thinking I will go back to work 6 weeks after I have the baby”. Now if you are an “enlightened” man, this will not disturb you in the least bit, because after all she is just as entitled to her career as you are to yours right?

What is best for infant children?

Mother with newborn sun

Except for men and women who have been in my audiences, most people pause and really give this question some consideration. What is best for the young infant – to be cared for by their mother or by strangers while the mother goes off and pursues her career?

Then when many people in my audience say they are unsure – I tell them there is a reason, a God given reason why they give pause to this scenario. We all know that in most cases (except if a mother is abusive or mentally ill) that it is best for a young infant to be nurtured and raised by their mother.

More often than not, the majority of men will agree a mother should be with her infant child to care for them until they can go to school. Maybe half the women will agree and the other half will not.

The women who disagree with the premise that it is best for children to be raised by their mothers (and not daycare workers) will say studies show daycare kids actually do better in school grade wise. To which I respond that while those studies may or may not be true, other studies show that daycare kids(especially ones who have been in daycare since they were infants) have emotional issues and are often much more aggressive in school.

But for those in my audience who agree that it is best that infant children be raised by their mother, I say then that we need to go back and revisit the career issue. If a woman has an average of 3 children (which is what we need to keep the world population from falling, and keep a modest growth rate) then let’s do the math.

If a woman has a child on average every two years, then that means she will spend six years having children. If she stays home to raise each of those infant children (which I agree is best for the children), then her last child will be of full school kindergarten age approximately 11 years after she had her first child.
If she starts having children when she graduates from college at 22, that would make her 33 years old before she could go to work and start a career.

Happy mother with her three young children

Now let’s say this woman did the right thing and raised all of her children until they were all in school full time. Here is a mid-30’s woman ready to go and conquer the world. There is no problem now right?

Well let’s consider that children have a lot of school activities that involve parental involvement but Dad can start helping with these right? Maybe he can and maybe he can’t. Dad may have a demanding job that keeps him in the office or factory 50 hours a week and he can’t take off every few weeks for school activities during the day (which many elementary schools have).

If Mom goes to work who will be home when the kids get off their bus from school or will they have to be put into a latch key program? Again we must ask the question – which is better for the children, to have a mother waiting for them at home when they get off the bus or to be put in latch key?

If Mom goes to work and Dad also works a demanding job then who will have the time and energy to help the children will all their school work each night? If Mom is exhausted from work who is going to cook dinner? Mom and Dad can just rotate right?

What is better for the children and for her husband?

Happy family

When the kids go off to school a stay at home mom has the chance to recharge her batteries. She can plan for meals, she can go shopping to get clothing for her children and her husband. Perhaps she can write for a blog from the comfort of her home. She can volunteer to help with things at her church and she is always available if her children or husband need something because she does not have her resources pulled away by an outside career.

When the kids get home from school mom is there to ask them about their day and help them with their homework. She can prepare nice home cooked meals (instead of takeout all the time because Mom and Dad are both exhausted from work). She can cook meals for sick shut-ins at her church. If it does not take away from her mothering duties, she can eventually run a small business selling things out of her home.

The reality is, until the children are grown to adults and move out what is best for her family and her marriage is for her to remain in the home.

But what about what is best for her?

Happy woman

This is the question many feminists will be shouting throughout this discussion. The answer is that what is best for a woman’s family is also what is best for her.

While studies show that women who work outside the home have less stress, what they don’t often show is who they are surveying.

Yes if you were to survey stay at home moms with infant children and toddlers they will often report stress levels that are far higher than women in their same situation with small children that have them in day care and work.
Of course you are less stressed, you are handing your kids off to strangers for 10 hours a day and you get a break to be with the grownups! Stay at home moms have a monumental and sometimes stressful task when they are raising small children. But it is worth it, and it is what is best. The easy way is not always the right way, and this is true when it comes to raising kids.

But if you were to survey stay at home Moms whose kids are all in school full time, I would wager that they will report less stressful lives than the working Moms at that point. They did the hard work, they changed the diapers, and they held the crying babies for hours on end. They also got enjoy the special moments of hearing their children’s first words, seeing them walk for the first time and all the other special firsts that God has given to Moms if they will only accept his gift. They are now reaping the benefits of their wise decision to stay home and dedicate their lives fully to their marriage and family.

When you have raised an emotionally stable child, that has been grounded in your faith and belief, and when you have a happy marriage because you had no career to distract you from giving all of yourself to your husband, you will see that God’s way is best.

God made woman for man, as a helpmeet. She is beautifully and wonderfully equipped for the task of being a full time wife and mom. But when she goes outside of God’s design, and tries to do things that God did not design her for, she will often times bring pain to not only her husband and children, but also to herself.