Month: May 2015

The frustrated feminist wife

/ biblicalgenderroles / 39 Comments

In two recent posts I wrote – “Is a husband being selfish for having sex with his wife when she is not in the mood” and “8 Steps to confront your wife’s sexual refusal” I have been routinely accused of advocating for domestic abuse because of my advising Christian husbands that they are not powerless to confront willful and chronic sexual denial by their wives in their marriages. The two posts combined have brought in over 400,000 visitors to my site in just a little over a week.

Despite disclaimers to the contrary that I made on these pages (in multiple places) those who reject sex as a right in marriage claim that any belief in such a thing, and especially acting on such a belief by confronting her behavior based on Scriptural principles (Steps 1 to 3), is essentially rape.

They argue further, that steps 4-7 also amount to rape because for a husband to stop taking his wife on dates or trips, for him to stop doing unneeded house hold upgrades, for him to stop doing the little favors for her around the house, and then to stop giving her spending money is not discipline toward sinful behavior, but instead is manipulative “emotional” and “financial” abuse.

From a Christian and even philosophical standpoint there different positions on this issue.  I received many comments from Christians who agreed on steps 1 to 3 but did not agree with steps 4 to 8.  Some Christians and non-Christians commented that they believe a husband in such a scenario should just jump to step 8.

But then we have a certain crowd of people who I would refer to as “Rape Accusers”.  Most of the time these types of people are radical feminists(whether they be men or women), but often times because they or someone they know was raped, they see rape around every corner.  They often times have a visceral hatred of men(Misandry – even some men hold this position at times and have a sort of “self hatred” toward their own gender).

Let me just say that my mom was raped, and I saw its impact on my mother, and she shared her pain with me when I was was an adult and old enough to understand.  I told my mom today about what has been going on with the explosion of rape accusations on Facebook towards what I have said about marriage,  and her words for the Rape accusers were simple – “their accusations are utterly absurd!”.

Some of these “Rape Accusers” have even gone as far as trying to intimidate me into silence by quoting legal definitions of domestic abuse.  Rather than get into a lengthy and boring debate about the real world applications of these laws – I thought it would be more interesting to put their applications of domestic violence regarding marriage to the test using a fictional scenario to illustrate what my mother would call the “absurdity” of their position.

I am under no allusion that a typical Police Officer of the law is going to hold to my Biblical views of marriage, but instead whether he agrees with me or not, he has to follow the law. So keep this in mind as we see our fictional police officer’s responses to a frustrated feminist wife.

The frustrated feminist wife

A woman comes into a police station and tells the officer at the front desk that she wants to report that her husband is committing domestic violence against her, including committing marital rape against her.

An officer takes her into a room to begin interviewing her.

Officer: “Mam please describe to me incidents of marital rape and other types of domestic abuse that you husband has committed against you.”

Wife: “Well officer it all started 5 years ago after we got married. I turned him down when he asked for sex and he started telling me that because we had a Christian marriage, the he and I both had a right to have sex with one another, and except for short mutually agreed upon times for when were sick or otherwise unable to we ought not to turn down one another.”

Officer: “Did he force himself on you that night?”

Wife: “No – he just walked away, but I felt intimidated by the fact that he believed it was a sin for couples to deny each other, I felt pressure for the next time he wanted to have sex.”

Officer: “Ok – so tell me more.”

Wife: “I decided I needed to set my husband straight about sex. I believe every person’s body is their own and no one has a right to coerce or convince someone to have sex when they are not in the mood, not even in marriage. I shared this truth that all of us as enlightened people should accept now in modern society. I told him it is NEVER selfish for me not to want to have sex for any reason, but it is ALWAYS selfish for him to try and convince me to have sex when I am not in the mood.

I told him that I would no longer feel pressured to have sex with him, and that really sex is just a small part of marriage. I told him I believed sex in marriage was not a “right”, but a privilege and that it should only happen when BOTH he and I were in the mood because of how happy and in love we were with each other. In fact, I even told him that just because I don’t want to have sex that often, that does not mean I don’t love him, I just don’t need it that often. I said we ought to be able to enjoy our marriage with one another, without having to need sex all the time – it should happen on special occasions when we are both in the mood.”

Officer: “So how did he respond to that?”

Wife: “He asked me if he was doing something wrong in the bedroom. He asked me if he could help to put me in the mood more often. I told him it had nothing to do with anything wrong he was doing, it was just the fact that I don’t need sex that often, and he ought to respect that and accept that. He was not happy with my view on sex and said my belief was a sin according to our mutually held belief in the Bible as God’s Word. I thought overtime he would overcome his beliefs, and realize that he could take care of himself if he needed it and just be grateful for the times when I was in the mood and wanted to have sex.”

Officer: “Mam but when he did he commit marital rape against you?”

Wife: “Well there were many times, that I was not in the mood, and I said No.”

Officer: “So are these the times that he forced himself on you?”

Wife: “No he did not force himself on me, but he coerced me into having sex with him.”

Officer: “How did he coerce you?”

Wife: “Well he told me that I was being selfish, and that I was sinning against God and him by denying his sexual needs. He told me if I continued denying him that we would need to go to a Christian counselor – so I gave in many times and let him have sex with me when I was not in the mood”.

Officer: “So you gave consent? Or did her force you?”

Wife: “Well he did not physically force himself, but I felt pressured because he was going to have us go to a counselor, so I just gave in and let him. But that was still rape right?”

Officer: “Uh, no mam that was not rape. Your allowing him to have sex with you when you were not in the mood because you did not want to go to a counselor was not rape. You made a decision, you decided you would rather have sex with him than go to a counselor, you gave consent.”

Wife: “Ok but later he did even more things to coerce me…”

Officer: “What things did he do?”

Wife: “He eventually got me to go to a Christian counselor, and I felt really pressured by that counselor that I had to have sex with my husband more, and that I needed to let him try to put me in the mood even when I was not – I could not believe it –who did this counselor think he was? I told that counselor he was full of garbage.”

Officer: “Then what happened?”

Wife: “Then my husband asked me after the counseling appointment if I really loved him and cared about our marriage – and I told him “Of course I do! I love our life together – we just disagree about sex”. I told him if he could just accept my views of sex our marriage would be perfect, he was a good man and I enjoyed going places with him and doing things with him. This was now two years into our marriage and we had an infant son, and my husband was such great father to our son. For some reason that was not good enough for him, he thought we needed more sex in our marriage.”

Officer: “Ok did he come to accept your view of sex?”

Wife: “No – he actually setup an appointment with the Pastor of our church and his wife! I went even though I did not want to, and our Pastor actually told me I was sinning against my husband by denying him! The nerve! It’s my body, and no one, not my Pastor, not my husband is going to tell me otherwise.”

Officer: “Mam but how did your husband commit domestic violence against you? Or when did he rape you?”

Wife: “Well after the appointment with the Pastor all of a sudden he canceled with the babysitter and stopped taking me on our weekly dates. I asked him why and he said it was because I was “sinning against him and our marriage by my willful sexual denial” wasn’t that domestic abuse? After all he was using our date night to get me to admit I was wrong about sex in our marriage.”

Officer: “Um mam – he is not required by law to take you on dates.”

Wife: “But wait – there is more. We had a new kitchen remodel that we were ready to sign papers on and he called and canceled the meeting to sign the papers to get the work started. He said the kitchen we had while outdated, was still functional and he was not comfortable with spending the money to do it. We were only cleared to get the work done based on his income, and I don’t make enough to do it on my income alone.”

Officer: “Um mam – he is not required by law to get your kitchen updated.”

Wife: “But wait you need to hear this. He used to go clean out my car every weekend. I would pick a room each weekend for him to dust and clean, and now he stopped doing that. He used to give me back rubs at least once or twice a week.  Now he stopped doing that too – he can’t do that right? This is emotional abuse! This is manipulation right? He says it is “discipline” to bring me to understand God’s view of sex in marriage.

Officer: “Well mam maybe he is manipulating you or maybe he just does not want to do these things for you anymore. Either way, none of this so far that you have told me is illegal, you might not like it, I might not like it, but it is not illegal.”

Wife: “What do you mean not illegal? The law says he can’t make me do anything I don’t want to do?”

Officer: “Mam, from everything you have told me, you have done whatever you did by your own choice. You might have done it because you wanted to avoid stress, or going to a counselor, or you just did not feel like arguing.”

Wife: “But there is still one more horrible thing I have not told you – my husband changed his auto deposit of his paycheck so it no longer goes in our joint checking account, he has his own account now. He goes grocery shopping for us each week now. I used to do the grocery shopping. He gave me the credit cards that were in my name for me to pay out of my own paychecks. I work too, but I don’t make nearly as much money as my husband. I used to be able to go anywhere I wanted and spend what I wanted, but now I have no spending money. That is financial abuse right? He can’t do that right?”

Officer: “Mam is he providing food, shelter and clothing for you and your child? Is he holding you in your home against your will?”

Wife: “Well yes he is providing those things for me and my son, and no he is not holding me against my will. He makes sure my car is fully fuelled every week. He gives me some cash for if I need some things during the day when he is at work. But I used to have full access to all our money in our joint bank account and I was able to do what I wanted with our money, and now he took that from me – he can’t do that”.

Officer: “Mam – why are you still with this man? You clearly don’t see marriage the same way he does and it sounds like he is either trying to teach you something or he is getting ready to divorce you by separating his money into another account. He may have even had an attorney advise him to do that with his paychecks. If you get with a divorce attorney, your attorney can get a “status quo” order, which then requires your husband not to spend any sums of money without clearing it with the court and your attorney. The court can order that he has to provide you with a certain dollar amount each week that you can put in your own account and spend as you want as you go through the divorce process and they can order him to continue paying all the household expenses.”

Wife: “Divorce process! I just want him to stop what he is doing and let us go back to our old life. I love him and the life we have. I don’t want to have joint custody of our son, I don’t want to see my son every other week, I want to see him every day! We would have to sell our home, and even if I could keep it in the divorce I would have no way to make the payments even with child support and alimony from him. I don’t want half my life, I want all my life – the way it was! Can’t you or another police officer tell my husband to stop doing these things and we can still stay married? Can we have a judge order him to take me on dates, upgrade the kitchen, put his money back in our joint account and stop asking me for sex? My girlfriends at work told me what he is doing is domestic abuse and is illegal – that means you can stop him right and force him to stop doing all this right?”

Officer: “Um- no sorry no one can do that for you. I don’t mean to get in your personal affairs mam, but it sounds like you have quite the dilemma, there is an old saying “You can’t have your cake and eat it too”. You have to make a choice, either work out the sexual issues with your husband and make your marriage work, or divorce him and try and find a man who believes as you do, that whoever wants sex the least determines how often a married couple has sex.”

Before you send your comments, I suggest you read my comments policy if you want a chance of your comment going through.

12 Ways to Honor your wife

/ biblicalgenderroles / 9 Comments

The Bible tells us as Christian men to honor our wives. But how do we honor her? In what ways and for what reasons do we honor her? In this next post in my series “How to be a godly husband”, we will explore what the Bible means when it tells us to honor our wives.

In my last post, “10 Ways to know and talk to your wife”, we explored the first half of I Peter 3:7. In this post we will explore the last half I Peter 3:7 and tie it all together for us as husbands.

“Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honour unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered.” – I Peter 3:7 (KJV)

What do the words “honor” and “weaker vessel” mean?

The English word “honor” in I Peter 3:7 is a translation of the Greek Word “Time” which is defined by Thayer’s and Smiths Bible dictionary as follows:

   “a valuing by which the price is fixed

of the price itself

of the price paid or received for a person or thing bought or sold

honour which belongs or is shown to one

of the honour which one has by reason of rank and state of office which he holds

deference, reverence”

The English word “weaker” in I Peter 3:7 is a translation of the Greek Word “Asthenes” which is defined by Thayer’s and Smiths Bible dictionary as follows:

   “weak, infirm, feeble”

The English word “vessel” in I Peter 3:7 is a translation of the Greek Word “Skeuos” which is defined by Thayer’s and Smiths Bible dictionary as follows:

“a vessel

an implement

in the plural

household utensils, domestic gear

the tackle and armament of vessels, used specifically of sails and ropes

metaph.

a man of quality, a chosen instrument

in a bad sense, an assistant in accomplishing an evil deed

“Vessel” was a common Greek metaphor for “body” since Greeks thought of souls living temporarily in bodies.”

In the case of I Peter 3, “honor” has to do with a husband honoring his wife’s position as “the weaker vessel”. This is actually the most literal rendering – “weaker vessel”. Some translations have tried to change it a bit and they will usually add a foot note at the bottom of the page “lit “weaker vessel”.

Why we honor our wives

In a previous post “Why does the Bible call woman the weaker vessel?” I stated this:

“What God is saying is this – “Men I want you to recognize that your wife is not as strong as you, both emotionally and physically. You need to be considerate of those qualities, and appreciate those qualities for the many ways they help her to be a good wife and mother. Don’t belittle her for being weaker or more fragile than you, but instead honor her position as your wife and the mother of your children.”

I stand by that understanding, and I believe that we are called to honor our wife’s position as our wife and as the mother of our children. In other words, we honor her position as the help meet to man for which she was designed by God.

We honor the position, not necessarily the person

There are two types of honor or respect Biblically speaking. One is an honor based on a person’s position and the other is an honor that is earned based on what a person actually does with their position.

The Bible tells us to “Honour thy father and mother” (Ephesians 6:2) and when we honor our parents we are honoring their position as our parents, not necessarily their person. It is the same way with a husband or wife. A wife is called to respect her husband’s position even if his person is not respectable. (Ephesians 5:33). A husband is called to honor his wife’s position even if her person is not worthy of that honor.

For most of us, while our parents may have been imperfect, they not only deserve to be honored for their “position” as our parents, but they also deserve to be honored for their “performance” as our parents.

I have a close Christian friend, whose mother whored around with different men his whole life, and on top of that she was a drug addict. He has had to walk that fine line his whole life, of honoring his mother’s position, while have nothing but distain for her person because of the horrible things she has done. His mother has not earned any respect, but he must always honor her position as his mother.

The Bible recognizes that many husbands might face this dilemma of having to honor a wife that does not seek to model the role of a Biblical wife and mother:

“A virtuous woman is a crown to her husband: but she that maketh ashamed is as rottenness in his bones.” – Proverbs 12:4(KJV)

“Every wise woman buildeth her house: but the foolish plucketh it down with her hands.” – Proverbs 14:1(KJV)

“As a jewel of gold in a swine’s snout, so is a fair woman which is without discretion.” – Proverbs 11:22(KJV)

“It is better to dwell in a corner of the housetop, than with a brawling woman in a wide house.”  – Proverbs 21:9(KJV)

So as husbands we all hope that we find a virtuous woman who wants to model God’s design for a wife and mother, but even if we don’t have such a wife we must honor her position as our wife and the mother of our children, while we may not honor her particular behavior as a wife and mother.

Praise is a primary way that we honor our wives

“Who can find a virtuous woman? for her price is far above rubies. The heart of her husband doth safely trust in her… She openeth her mouth with wisdom; and in her tongue is the law of kindness. She looketh well to the ways of her household, and eateth not the bread of idleness. Her children arise up, and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praiseth her. Many daughters have done virtuously, but thou excellest them all. Favour is deceitful, and beauty is vain: but a woman that feareth the Lord, she shall be praised. Give her of the fruit of her hands; and let her own works praise her in the gates.”

Proverbs 31:10-11 & 26-31 (KJV)

Praise is one way that we can honor our wives. But praise unlike honor, is not unconditional. Notice in Proverbs 31 that the wife’s works are what make her worthy of praise. We honor our wives for what they do right, not for what they do not do or what they do that violates God’s Word.

12 Ways to Honor your wife

1. Praise her faith

Praise her living out her faith and teaching it teaching your children about God, tell her how much you appreciate her example and instilling her faith in your children.

2. Praise her use of her talents

If she teaches a woman’s Sunday school class, or runs a Christian woman’s blog, or writes books for Christian women, if she uses her talents for the Lord, remember to praise her.

3. Praise her submission

Praise your wife for her submission to your headship, especially when it is hard to do. You might have to make a decision as the head of your home that she disagrees with, but when she recognizes your authority to so, and follows you even when disagrees – don’t forgot to show your appreciation for that. Don’t take that for granite.

4. Praise her wisdom

Praise your wife for her wisdom, when she give you advice that really helps you make a good decision and praise her when she gave you advice that you didn’t follow, but later you found to be right.

5. Praise her cooking

Praise her for every meal she makes, even if it does not taste good, praise the effort.

6. Praise her care of your home

Praise her, and notice when she cleans the house, even if it is done imperfectly.

7. Praise her organization

Praise her for how she looks out for your family, to make sure everyone has the right clothes and the house is stocked correctly.

8. Praise her efforts to make herself beautiful

Praise her whenever she fixes herself up, when she puts on makeup and nice clothes, never forget to praise her for this. Tell her she is beautiful.

9. Praise her efforts to be sexy for you

Praise her when she dresses sexy for you, or when she puts on lingerie, never take that for granted.

10. Honor her for respecting the importance of sex in your marriage

Praise her when she initiates sex and show her your gratitude. Recognize her when you know she acted selflessly and had sex with you even when she was not in the mood.

11. Make your children respect her position

Respect your wife’s position as your children’s mother and authority. Don’t let your children undermine your wife’s authority, and unless they tell you something immoral or sinful she has done (something abusive or wrong) you need to back her.

12. Protect her reputation whenever possible

If you need to confront your wife about something she has done wrong, try to do this in private. There are some exceptions where confronting her behavior in front of others is appropriate. For instance if your wife disrespects you in front of your children, it is appropriate to call her out on this in front of them so they will understand that type of behavior is not acceptable.

What honoring your wife does NOT mean

Some feminist Christians have tried to take the phrase from I Peter 3:7 – “and as being heirs together of the grace of life” to say that since we are equal heirs of the grace of life, that God sees men and women as equal in all ways and there are in fact no gender roles, and Peter is telling husbands to honor their wife as their equal partner in marriage. In fact the NIV actually changed “weaker vessel” to “weaker partner” in an attempt to appease feminist Christians with the idea that marriage is an equal partnership.

Such an interpretation does not match even the language of this passage, let alone the witness of the entire Bible, both in the Old and New Testaments. The literal phrase “weaker vessel” actually displays the inequality of man and woman, not their equality.

Never once in all the Scriptures does the Bible present marriage as an equal partnership, and partner is never used when speaking of a husband and wife relationship. The wife is called a companion of her husband, but never a partner. A companion in the Scripture is not necessarily an equal, but one who goes along aside someone. A master traveling with his servant, would consider his servant a “traveling companion”.

Christian feminists, and even non-Christians teach, that unless women are equal partners in marriage, and have equal social status in all areas of life, that they are being treated as less than human. In their view a person’s humanity is synonymous with their rights, if they have less rights in any area for any reason, then these people are being dehumanized in their view.

The Bible does not recognize such a definition of humanity. We are all human, not because of what rights we possess, but because God created man in his image, and he created woman in man’s image. That is why we are special (both men and women), that is why despite all our inequalities (both physical, and in our roles) we are still equal in our value as human beings.

The consequences of not honoring our wives

Just as there are consequences for not honoring our parents, there are also consequences for not honoring our wives.

“Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honour unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered.” – I Peter 3:7 (KJV)

God tells us that if we do not know our wives (talk with our wives) and honor our wives as the weaker vessel, he will not hear our prayers as husbands. God takes it very seriously when a man does not grant his wife the honor that her position is due.

Conclusion

As Christian husbands we have a duty to honor our wife’s position. A primary way we can do that is by praising her when she does things right in various areas.  I know this is hard for us as men to be verbal.  We may think it – but we don’t say it. Praise is not praise when we just think it – praise must be verbalized. I will fully admit as a husband I don’t always praise my wife as a I should.  It takes intentional effort to do this.

On the other hand –  praising one’s wife does not mean we have to worship her or give her false praise for things she has not really done.  If your wife is frigid in the bedroom you don’t have to pretend like she rocked your world when she clearly just phoned it in.  And you don’t have to praise her for her sexual availability if she only allows you to have sex with her once or twice a month.

Remember that unlike the Agape love that is unconditional (love from the will, not based in feelings) that men are called to in the Scriptures to have toward their wives – praise is something that is earned by one’s actions.

A warning to Christian women reading this:

This Biblically based advice is directed at husbands to help encourage them to be the kind of husband God calls us as men to be. But do NOT use this list as something to beat your husband over the head with.  Women send their husbands articles like this all the time trying to “help” their husbands be the husbands they think they should be.  But you are not your husband’s spiritual authority and it is not your job to rebuke him or chastise him into be what you think is a better husband.

In fact if you read I Peter 3:1-2 you will see that you are to behave just the opposite toward your husband even if you are convinced he is mistreating you in some way. You are to win him “without a word” by placing yourself in subjection to him,  showing him proper respect and serving him with a gentle and quiet spirit.

10 Ways to know your wife

/ biblicalgenderroles / 13 Comments

Do you really know your wife? Did you know that God commands you to know your wife? What does it mean as a Christian husband to know your wife? These are some questions I will try to answer in this next post in this series “How to be a godly husband”.

One of the best passages in all the Bible that speaks to a husband’s responsibilities to his wife is found in I Peter chapter 3.

“Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honour unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered.” – I Peter 3:7(KJV)

In this post we will tackle just the first part of this verse – “dwell with them according to knowledge”, and in our next post(“12 Ways to honor your wife“) we will talk about what it means to honor your wife.

What does “dwell” mean?

The English word “dwell” in I Peter 3:7 is a translation of the Greek Word “Sunoikeo” (which is only used here in all the Bible) which is defined by Thayer’s and Smiths Bible dictionary as follows:

“to dwell together

of the domestic association

of intercourse of a husband and wife “

It was a word commonly used in the Greek language to refer to a man and a woman living in a sexual relationship together, it was used both of men with their wives, as well as men with their mistresses.

What does “knowledge” mean?

The English word “knowledge in I Peter 3:7 is a translation of the Greek Word “Gnosis” which is defined by Thayer’s and Smiths Bible dictionary as follows:

“knowledge signifies in general intelligence, understanding

the general knowledge of Christian religion

the deeper more perfect and enlarged knowledge of this religion, such as belongs to the more advanced

esp. of things lawful and unlawful for Christians

moral wisdom, such as is seen in right living”

This same Greek word is used 28 times in the New Testament, and I will draw your attention to two of them as I think it relates to this:

“But grow in grace, and in the knowledge of our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ. To him be glory both now and for ever. Amen.” – II Peter 3:18 (KJV)

“And though I have the gift of prophecy, and understand all mysteries, and all knowledge; and though I have all faith, so that I could remove mountains, and have not charity, I am nothing.” I Corinthians 13:2 (KJV)

I believe, that in the same we need to grow in our knowledge of our Savior, we also need to grow in our knowledge of our wives. But we must also realize as Paul wrote in I Corinthians 13:2, that even if we know a lot about our wives, if we don’t have love, then our knowledge of her will be useless.

Previously I wrote a posted entitled “The 12 attributes of marital love” where I explored this wonderful passage of Scripture – which defines love as God sees it, rather than the way we in modern times understand love.

When husbands are commanded to love their wives, it is with this same “agape” love that is defined for us in I Corinthians 13, and it is an unconditional love based in duty, commitment and action.

So what does it mean to live with your wife according to knowledge?

When we put together everything we have seen so far, God is saying this in I Peter 3:

“Husbands as you live in this sexual relationship with you wife, get to know her, talk to her, understand how she ticks and use this knowledge you gain to love her better.”

You can’t know your wife, without talking to your wife

Guys – God is literally telling us as husbands – “you have to talk to your wife”. Communication in Christian marriage is not some “nice to have”, it is essential and commanded by God. Some Christian husbands may have liked in previous posts were I alluded to God’s commands that a husband and wife are to have sex, and they may not deny one another. In many marriages, those commands regarding sex are more difficult for the woman to handle (and much more controversial as the hundreds of emails I got can attest to).

But here is a command that is difficult for us as husbands (and I am sure I won’t have one protest from one wife about this) – that we has husbands must talk with our wives.

And guess what guys – even if our wife is denying us sexually, we don’t have the right to stop talking to her. Two wrongs never make a right. It is a natural and sinful reaction by many men, that if their wives give them the cold shoulder in bed, they give their wives the cold shoulder outside of the bedroom, but this is part of our sin nature and we must combat it. We must talk with and interact with our wives no matter what.

In fact often times we will discover, that if our wives do give us the cold shoulder in bed, it is because they need to talk, that we have not been doing our job in talking to them.

And guess what guys – a secret many men discover is, when you talk to your wife outside the bedroom (and outside the context of sex completely), often times you will find your wife much more responsive to the way you want to “communicate” in the bedroom.

10 Ways to know your wife better(and yes they all  involve talking)

OK so I said it – God commands us a husbands to know our wives and the only way we can know someone is by talking to them. But how do we talk to them? Here are 10 ways to talk with your wife:

1. Talk about your faith

Talk about your faith, and ask your wife what she wants to pray for. I think it is a good habit for couples to get into that they pray each night together before bed. I think that we as husbands can learn a lot about our wives by just asking what she wants to pray about, and she can learn a lot about us by what we want to pray about. As part of this talking about our faith, we should also as Christian husbands and wives be able to talk about what we heard on Sunday in Church, or what we have read in the Bible that week, something online, or maybe in a book we are reading.

2. Talk about your day

When you talk to your wife about your day, make sure to give detail. Most of us husbands when our wives ask us how our day at work went will say “it was fine”. But wives’ often want more detail like “was it busy”, “was it stressful”, they want to know about the interpersonal relationships you have at work – it takes some doing for most of us husbands, especially at the end of the day when we don’t feel like talking, but if your wife wants to know, you need to open that up to her.

3. Talk about her day

Some days she may want to talk about the kids, but other days it might be stuff about her mom or her friends. It might be nothing but stuff she saw on TV that day, but whatever it is, listen and interact. Make sure when you are talking with her that she has your undivided attention. If that means turning off the TV then do it. If that means closing the laptop then do it. If you are in the car and that means turning off the radio, then do it. Sometimes it means getting away from the kids – going to your bedroom and just talking (Nothing more).

4. Talking only for sex is a big no-no

Don’t just talk when you want to have sex. This is a big mistake a lot of us husbands make. We start making small talk with our wives only when we want to have sex – this is a big no-no, and it sets up the idea that you only want talk to your wife when you want sex.

5. Don’t always try to solve problems

Don’t try to solve all her problems, sometimes just listen. Notice I used the key word “sometimes”. That means as men God has made us natural problem solvers, and sometimes we may need to offer some advice, but other times we do not. Sometimes we may even need to offer some constructive criticism as well which I will talk about later in this list.

6. Talk about her wants and needs

Ask your wife for ideas on things she would like for herself AND around the house. Make sure you get BOTH personal info (like the kinds of jewelry or flowers she likes, or trips she wants to take) and household things she wants. Women love getting new things for the house, but when you only get her household items and never personal items just for her, it can cause her to grow resentful toward her home and we don’t want that to happen.

7. Know her hopes and dreams

Know your wife’s hopes and dreams, and within your ability to do so, try to make some of them come true. Many women will just come right out with these kinds of things, and most of the time we as husbands have only to listen, and remember. With some wives it may take some prying, as some Christian women think they are being selfish when they talk about such things, but a Christian husband needs to make his wife comfortable with this kind of talk. We as husbands ought to feel secure in sharing our hopes and dreams with our wives as well, and this helps to strengthen the bond and connection between a husband and wife.

8. Know her fears and worries

Ask your wife about what her fears are, what makes her worry, what stresses her out, and what ways you can do to help relieve her stress, worries and fears. Every husband should know his wife’s fears and worries and he should do everything in his power to alleviate those things, and protect her from those things. Most women have deep longing for security, and when we as husbands listen to her fears and worries, and offer her comfort, we can help to give her that security that she needs.

9. Know what she wants in the bedroom

Have the sex conversation from time to time.  Some men don’t ever want to talk about this – they just want to do it and no words need to be said. Other men talk about it too much.  What I mean is – they are constantly bugging their wives to rate their performance in the bedroom, or tell them what they did wrong or right, and no woman wants that. What I mean by “Have the sex conversation” is as a couple, whether you are comfortable with it, or she is comfortable with it, you need to occasionally talk about you sex life.  Ask her is there anything you could do differently in this department? Are there things she likes that you could do more of? Are there things she really does not like that you do? Does she feel like you are not having sex enough for her?

10. Know her weaknesses

Now this is the one women won’t like and even some men might be uncomfortable with.  As a husband gets to know his wife better by communicating with her he will inevitably come across wrong thought patterns on the part of his wife. All of us, both men and women have wrong thought patterns – ways of thinking that go contrary to the Word of God.

The Bible tells wives how to respond to their husbands have thought patterns and actions which are disobedient to the Word of God:

“In the same way, you wives, be submissive to your own husbands so that even if any of them are disobedient to the word, they may be won without a word by the behavior of their wives, 2 as they observe your chaste and respectful behavior.”

I Peter 3:1-2 (NASB)

So for wives God wants them to respond to what them to respond to their husband’s disobedience to God’s Word by continuing to be in submission to them and showing them respect.  Win them without a word is the marching order for wives.

However for husbands the situation is very different. Because a husband is his wife’s spiritual authority he has a God given responsibility to try and correct his wife’s wrong thinking and spiritual disobedience in whatever areas it may occur. Some husbands and wives are shaking their heads and saying “where does the Bible say husbands need to call out or try to correct their wife’s weaknesses?” Well I am glad you asked and here is the answer:

“25 Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it;  26 That he might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word, 27 That he might present it to himself a glorious church, not having spot, or wrinkle, or any such thing; but that it should be holy and without blemish.“

Ephesians 5:25-27 (KJV)

Most Christian women today love Ephesians 5:25’s admonition for men to give themselves up for their wives as Christ gave himself up for his church.  But they would rather do without the verses on submission that came just before that verse and they also don’t want to read the verses that come directly after verse 25 that tell WHY Christ gave himself up for his Church.

Christ did not give himself up for his bride to make her happy or to appease her and give her anything she wanted but rather he gave himself up in order to purchase his Church “with his own blood”(Acts 20:28) so that he could sanctify her by washing her with the word and cleanse her of her spots, wrinkles and blemishes so as to present her to himself as he wanted her to be.

So it is absolutely a duty of every Christian husband to wash his wife’s spiritual spots, wrinkles and blemishes with the Word of God and he can only do this by getting to know how his wife thinks.

Conclusion

These ways to know your wife are a very tall order for us a men.  My wife reading this list would tell you I often fail at many of these things. But just because something is hard does not mean we as Christian men should not strive to be better.

For some men they may have know problem at all knowing and identifying their wife’s weaknesses.  But as we wash our wives with the Word, we must also demonstrate God’s mercy and grace and not make out wives feel that every word they speak and everything they do is wrong.  We as husbands need to chose our battles.

Also as husbands the frequency of how often we talk to our wives may differ. It is one thing to say husbands need to talk to their wives to know them and it is another to say husbands must spend a certain amount of time every day talking to their wives.

What is the determining factor in how often and for how long men talk to their wives? Is it how ever much time the wife thinks she needs? I don’t think that is the correct answer Biblically speaking.  It us as husbands who as the spiritual leaders of our homes must determine how much of our time we give to our wives. God did not just put us here as men to spend hours on end listening to our wives talk.

He wants us to be studying his Word alone so we can later present it to our families.  He wants us as men to pursue our work outside the home and make our mark on the world.  He may call us to be more involved in the ministries of our church or some other ministry outside the Church(like I do on this blog). And a very important duty we also have is to our children.

But God calls us as men to make these important decisions as to how to balance our lives.  We cannot let any one area of our life dominate us so much that we neglect the other areas of our lives.  We can work too much to the neglect of our wives or we can spend so much time with our wives that we neglect our work.  We can spend too much time with our kids to the neglect of wives or we can spend too much time with our wives to neglect of our kids.

A warning to Christian women reading this

Finally I have a warning for Christian wives reading this.  Many wives might read this as some sort of list to beat their husbands over the head with.  Remember the passage I cited early from I Peter 3:1-2? It is not your job as a wife to wash your husband with the Word – it is his job to wash you with the Word.  Your husband may be doing little to nothing I have written here.  Or he may may do it sometimes, but not consistently as many of us Christian husbands are guilty of doing.  You must leave him in God’s hands and continue to quietly submit to him and show him your reverence and respect.

Also I hope you will review what I have just told the men previously.  You don’t get to demand or determine how often your husband talks to you.  If your husband talks to you for an hour three times a week then you need to be grateful for that. Also while I do think husband’s should hear their wife’s grievances, if 90% of what you talk about are the same complaints over and over and especially complaints directed at him don’t be surprised if your husband does not talk to you as much.

The Bible describes a constantly complaining wife in this way:

“A constant dripping on a day of steady rain And a contentious woman are alike;”

Proverbs 27:15 (KJV)

Literally imagine sitting in a room with a leaking faucet.  “drip, drip, drip…” is all you hear.  Would you not want to get out of that room away from that annoying noise? Of course you would! It is the same for your husband.  If you are just sitting their with complaints going “drip, drip, drip” he is not going to want to be around you either.

Might their be a place for occasionally asking your husband for some more of his time to talk – sure there is. But just don’t become a nagging and contentious wife in the process.

 

8 steps to confront your wife’s sexual refusal

/ biblicalgenderroles / 233 Comments

How should you as a husband handle it when your wife directly refuses to have sex without a valid reason? Is there anything a Christian husband can do about this?

Christian Husbands – let me be crystal clear here. The situation I am addressing in this post is not your wife occasionally turning you down for sex (even with a bad attitude, as opposed to for health or other legitimate reasons). What I am addressing here is the wife who consistently and routinely denies her husband sexually simply because she does not need sex as much or she thinks she should not have to do it except when she is in the mood or she thinks her husband should have to earn sex with her by “putting her in the mood” by doing various things she expects or likes.

Let me also be clear to all the haters(this includes liberal Christians who reject the Biblical view of male headship in marriage, as well as the Biblical teaching of the right of sex, and responsibility of sex in marriage):

Update 1/25/2018

Biblically speaking the modern concept of “marital rape” is an oxymoron.  It is impossible from a Biblical perspective for a man to rape his wife.  The Bible defines unlawful forced sex or what we would call rape as when a man forces a woman who is not married to him to have sex with him see Deuteronomy 22:23-29 for more on this. God condones forced sex in marriage in Deuteronomy 21:10-14 and he symbolizes himself as a husband who “humbles” his wife Israel in Deuteronomy 8:2-3.  For more on this subject see my article “Why the Bible Allows Forced Sex in Marriage“.   But in the conclusion of the article I just mentioned I make the following warning to men:

“Am I Telling Husbands to Go Home and Force Themselves on Their Wives?

The answer is No. But you might be thinking – “Wait you just said spent this entire article telling us it was not a sin for a man to force himself on his wife!”

As you catch your breath let me explain a simple principle regarding Biblical rights. Just because we have the right to do something, does not mean it is always wise to do something.”

And then I go on to explain why it is not always wise for us to exercise all our rights.  But never once in this article, that article, or any of my articles do I EVER tell men to go and force themselves upon their wives.

For all of the “Rape Accusers” out there, especially the ones that are hurling applications of domestic violence laws at me – I have written a special post just for you.  It is entitled “The Frustrated Feminist Wife“.

In two previous posts in this series I addressed these key issues:

In “Christian Husbands – You don’t pay for the milk when you own the cow!” we established this Biblical principle:

Neither the husband, nor the wife have to earn sex in marriage.

A wife cannot flatly refuse her husband, she may only ask for a delay (a raincheck) and then she needs to make good on that raincheck as soon as possible.

A husband has the right to confront his wife’s sexual refusal as a sin not only against him, but also against God.

In “Is a husband selfish for having sex with his wife when she is not the mood?” I elaborated further on this subject of sexual refusal in marriage with these principles:

A husband ought not to feel guilty for having sex with his wife when she is not in the mood if she yields, even grudgingly.

A husband needs to use prayerful discernment to discover if her reasons for “not being in the mood” are for legitimate physical or mental health reasons or if the problem is wrong thinking and wrong attitude on the part of his wife. If her reasons are legitimate, then she needs to seek medical or psychological help as soon as possible.

Now in this post we will talk about how to handle the sexual refusal of a wife when it is because she has a wrong attitude and wrong thinking about marriage and sex.

But what about the husband refusing to have sex with his wife?

I have received several comments from people asking why I have not addressed the issue of a husband’s refusal to have sex – yes it is equally clear in these passages that he cannot refuse her.   Since originally post this article I have written a companion piece to this article entitled “4 Steps to Confronting Your Husband’s Sexual Refusal“.  Check out that article for more detail on this from a wife’s perspective.

What about Paul’s “concession” in I Corinthians 7:6?

Some Christians have tried to take the entire power out of this passage in I Corinthians 7 because of verse 6 where Paul writes “I say the following as a concession, not as a command.“ So did Paul just get done telling husbands and wives not to deprive one another sexually, only to say – “Well this is my opinion on how sex should be, but if you want to deny one another – go ahead”?

“Now in response to the matters you wrote about: “It is good for a man not to have relations with a woman.”2 But because sexual immorality is so common, each man should have his own wife, and each woman should have her own husband. 3 A husband should fulfill his marital responsibility to his wife, and likewise a wife to her husband. 4 A wife does not have the right over her own body, but her husband does. In the same way, a husband does not have the right over his own body, but his wife does. 5 Do not deprive one another sexually—except when you agree for a time, to devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again; otherwise, Satan may tempt you because of your lack of self-control. 6 I say the following as a concession, not as a command. 7 I wish that all people were just like me. But each has his own gift from God, one person in this way and another in that way.” – I Corinthians 7:1-7(HCSB)

When we look at Paul’s statement in context, his concession is not about husbands and wives not denying one another sexually.

His concession(or opinion) is about celibacy. He is prefacing the statement he is about to make as his opinion – that he wished everyone could be celibate like he was as there are many advantages to serving God as single person. But he realizes that celibacy is a gift God has only given to a chosen few, while the rest of men and women ought to marry.

What he is stating in this passage is, if you don’t have the gift of celibacy and you do get married, you have a solemn obligation to have sex with your spouse, you cannot deny them unless it is mutually agreed by both of you for a short period of time.

There is another way that people attempt to disarm the thrust of Paul’s words on sex in marriage in I Corinthians chapter seven. Some have tried to say “well if the wife has power over his body too, then she can decide to use that power to say she does not want his body having sex with her”. This is an absolutely ridiculous notion as it goes against the entire context of the passage. The entire point the Apostle Paul was making is that husbands and wives may NOT deprive one another of sex, unless they both mutually agree to a cessation of sex for a limited time.

Know the battle you face, before you get into it

The advice I am about to give you Christian husband will require courage. The advice I am about to give you will require you to show your wife tough love.

Let me be clear on something, even if you do follow the steps below I give, this does not automatically mean you will get a change from your wife, or her repentance for her sexual immorality. And yes my friend it is sexually immoral for a wife (or husband for that matter) to deny their spouse sexually unless they have a legitimate physical or mental health grounds for doing so. Most people think of sexual immorality as only someone having sex outside marriage (pre-marital sex, adultery, incest, homosexual sex). But remember that when something is immoral, that means it is sin, and we know that sexual denial in marriage is sin, therefore it is accurate to call willful sexual denial in marriage an act of sexual immorality.

I had a Christian man email me once asking if he should tolerate an affair his wife was having for the sake of saving his marriage. He had confronted his wife about it, but she told him she could not give up her lover, and she told him she loved both he (her husband) and her lover and she needed time to consider both relationships.

This man was actually counseled by a Christian counselor to continue to tolerate his wife’s affair in order to win her back. The counselor invoked the story of the prophet Hosea whom God told to marry a promiscuous woman and then left him and he had to go and get her back. What this counselor misses is – this was not God’s pattern for marriage that men tolerate sexual immorality, it was simply done to illustrate the idolatry of Israel and that God was trying to bring her back to him. Israel never did come back and later God said he gave her a letter of divorce.

In the same way men are often counseled by Christian counselors, Pastors and marriage books to simply tolerate their wives sexual denial – which is just as immoral as if she were to commit adultery. They told to talk to their wives and pray for their wives – which is good advice. But then if their wife does not repent they are told they must simply learn to cope with their wife’s sexual immorality and there is nothing else they can or should do.

I am here to tell you there is something more you can and should do. You need to call out your wife’s sin for exactly what it is – sexual immorality.

Now that you know what you are fighting against you need to know what this fight might cost you. It may end with her walking out and possibly divorcing you. You must be prepared to do what is right, no matter what the cost.

First understand this – sacrificing yourself for your wife, as Christ sacrificed himself for the church does not mean toleration of this kind of sin on the part of your wife. Many counselors throw out the “husbands you just need to sacrifice yourself for your wife like Christ did the church” but they don’t tell you WHY Christ sacrificed himself for the Church.

“Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave Himself for her to make her holy, cleansing her with the washing of water by the word.  He did this to present the church to Himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or anything like that, but holy and blameless.”

Ephesians 5:25-27 (HCSB)

Christ sacrificed himself for the Church, for us, not so we could just live any way we wanted to. He sacrificed himself to make us holy, to conform us to his likeness, and his Word.

As I said in previous posts – God wants sex in your marriage, your desire for sex in your marriage is not a sin, but rather it is a gift from God. My Pastor often says God put a desire in men and a command toward men that they be “intoxicated” or “ravished” by their wife’s body.

“Let her be as the loving hind and pleasant roe; let her breasts satisfy thee at all times; and be thou ravished always with her love.” – Proverbs 5:19 (KJV)

Your desire for your wife is not the sin, but instead it is your wife’s sinful sexual refusal that must be confronted.

Before you take any steps to confront your wife’s sin of sexual refusal

Before you embark on this difficult journey, you need to first address any un-repented sin in your own life. You need to pray very hard and make sure you are doing the right thing. You need to confess any bitterness you have toward your wife over this issue before you can confront it. Perhaps there are some other wrong ways you handled it, things you have said or done that need to be confessed to God, and perhaps even to your wife if it directly affects her.

8 Steps to confronting your wife’s sexual refusal

UPDATE: 1/23/2016 – I have reordered what I believe the Biblical steps are to confront your wife’s sexual refusal based on my understanding of when a man should seek out a marriage counselor and bring the issue to his Pastor.

Biblically speaking the husband is the spiritual authority in his home and he has the Biblical obligation to FIRST attempt to discipline his wife as she is his responsibility.  Only when he has exhausted all forms of discipline and she remains defiant and divorce is looming should he approach a counselor to act as a witness to her sin.

Christ said this about confronting a brother(or sister) that has sinned against you:

“If your brother sins against you, go and rebuke him in private. If he listens to you, you have won your brother. But if he won’t listen, take one or two more with you, so that by the testimony of two or three witnesses every fact may be established. If he pays no attention to them, tell the church. But if he doesn’t pay attention even to the church, let him be like an unbeliever and a tax collector to you.” – Matthew 18:15-17 (HCSB)

Matthew 18 gives us the first two steps a Christian husband must take to confront his wife’s sexual refusal.

Step 1 – Rebuke her privately

Rebuke your wife’s sin to her in private. This assumes you have already on several occasions tried to speaking gently to her about this issue. You have tried time and time again to find out if there is anything you can help her with, and anything you can do different. This assumes you have ruled out health problems, and or other mental problems and she simply has a stubborn and willful attitude toward sex in marriage and she does not think she needs to change.

Step 2 – Stop taking her on dates or trips

If the brother or sister in Christ who sins against you is outside the authority of your home then you would go to witnesses next.  But since your wife, like your children, is under your direct authority – you have a Biblical obligation to discipline her first before taking this outside of your home. These next 4 steps use the two types of discipline that a husband has at his disposal.  Time and Money. For some women money means nothing, but almost all women highly value their husband’s time.

Stop taking your wife to her favorite restaurants. Stop taking her out to those movies she wants to see. Don’t take her on those weekend getaways she wants to go on. I am not saying to stop talking to your wife, or ignore your wife, as that is not an option for a Christian husband. But your wife does not have the RIGHT for you to take her on dates or trips – these things are a privilege that you may remove at any time.

Step 3 – No unnecessary household upgrades

Ordinarily, I am all for a husband funding things like new furniture for the house, or new paint for the walls. Wives will come to their husband’s for these and many other household things. What you need to do as a husband is, unless it is a true family need, and not just an upgrade to something – Do not allow it.

Step 4 – Stop doing the little extra things

You know those dinners you cook, or that vacuuming you do, or those things that really she should be doing for herself, but you have simply been trying to be nice and doing for her – STOP doing them. Stop giving her those nice back and shoulder massages she loves so much.

Step 5 – Remove her funding

This step may only work if you wife does not have her own income. Stop giving her pocket money. Change your bank account so her ATM card becomes worthless. Cancel your credit cards. If she does have a job, stop paying for anything in her name and make her pay for any credit that is in her name. The Bible only requires that you provide her with food, clothing and shelter. It does not say that food and clothing has to be the fancy kind she likes to get.

If your wife has not repented and changed her ways after you these first five steps, you are sure to have a very angry and defiant wife. The little bit of sex there was in your marriage is most likely completely gone.

At any one of these points, your wife could have threatened to leave, or has already already left. You may be separated or in divorce proceedings.

But I want you to understand something, it is not your responsibility to keep your wife in the marriage by any means necessary, and certainly not by giving in to her willful, rebellious and sinful behavior. The Apostle Paul writes:

“But if the unbeliever leaves, let him leave. A brother or a sister is not bound in such cases.” – I Corinthians 7:15

Remember that in Matthew, Christ told us to regard an unrepentant professed believer as an unbeliever. There is no sin here for you as a Christian husband to simply let her go, you are no longer bound and are free to marry another woman. My pastor told us that he had to deal with some rebellious times with his own wife, and his translation of “let him (or her) leave” was “there is the door” when she would threaten to leave.

But your wife may have stuck around betting that she can “wait you out” and thinking that eventually you will go back to leaving her alone about “all this sex stuff” and things can get back to the normal life she has come to love.

This is where we begin the final phase of confronting your wife’s sexual refusal.

Step 6 – Rebuke her before witnesses

If she is still defiant after you have tried all forms of Biblical discipline with her take her to a Christian marriage counselor so they can serve as a witness to her sinful defiance. But make it clear as you seek a counselor what your beliefs are to that counselor and that this is not about changing your beliefs – it is about having a witness to your wife’s sin.

Step 7 – Bring her before the Church

If bringing her to a counselor does not shake her defiance after you have tried all other forms of discipline then bring her to your Pastor and his wife to have her sin confronted by church authority.  If she is defiant to them then she needs to be expelled from the church.

What if none of these 7 steps work?

If your wife remains willfully defiant, yet she has not left you, it could be for a variety of reasons. She may not want to lose how she lives with you and she knows that after a divorce her lifestyle will be severely affected, and she does not want to deal with the consequences of divorce. Perhaps she may have some genuine care for you left as well as your children but she simply cannot see the error of her ways and will hold out indefinitely with the hope that one day you will fold and give her back the money, the dates, the trips, the house hold upgrades and she will not have been forced to change her ways.

But you have a final step you may take, one that you need to pray long and hard about before you do.

You have the option to divorce her for her sexual immorality.

“But I tell you, everyone who divorces his wife, except in a case of sexual immorality, causes her to commit adultery. And whoever marries a divorced woman commits adultery.” – Matthew 5:32(HCSB)

Why bother with the first 7 steps if divorce is an option for sexual denial?

Many Christians would ask “If I have the right to divorce my wife for willful and chronic sexual denial, why bother with all these other steps?” The answer my friend, is that God wants us to fight for our wives and our marriage the way he fought for his marriage to Israel as a nation. Eventually he had to divorce Israel as nation, but he fought long and hard to bring her back to him, and we owe our wives and our marriages this fight.

But aren’t these steps a form of manipulation?

Those who oppose this type of confrontation will accuse me of advocating that men manipulate their wives into having sex with them more. But what these same people would fail to understand is, there is a big difference between manipulation, and discipline.

Manipulation is when someone who is an equal (like a friend, a coworker, a fellow student…etc.) or someone in a lower position (like a child, or employee, someone of lower rank) tries to make life difficult for their fellow equal or for their authority figure by doing certain actions in order to get them to do something they want. A union strike is a form of manipulation. A child throwing a temper tantrum or giving their parent the “silent treatment” is a form of manipulation. A wife withholding sex when she is angry at her husband, or giving him the “silent treatment” is also a form of manipulation. Sometimes manipulation is just pure retaliation.

Discipline, on the other hand is very different from manipulation. Discipline is performed by one who is in authority over one who is under their authority. It is action taken by an authority to attempt to modify the bad behavior of the subject of that authority so that they will behave correctly in the future. True Biblical discipline should never be done out of a spirit of retaliation or revenge.

And just to be clear – I am NOT advocating for husbands to beat their wives,smack them around, or physically abuse them in any way.  There are forms of discipline that are not physical.

Blatant willful sexual denial by a wife toward her husband is an act of rebellion against God’s authority first, and then the authority he has given her husband second. If a man denies his wife sexually, it is also an act of rebellion against God, because God has commanded him to give his body to his wife as she needs it (and I will address this in a separate post).

But a husband is supposed to love his wife as Christ loves the Church

I have had many responses since originally posting this article, that these 8 steps are not the acts of a loving husband. Previously in this post I mentioned that God had to divorce the nation of Israel, picture as an adulterous and rebellious wife.  If it were true that a loving husband would never discipline his wife, then God was not a loving husband to Israel. When Israel, who is pictured as the wife of God, rebelled against God – he disciplined Israel and as he disciplined her he told her he was doing it out of love for her to bring her back to him.

Some might respond that in the end God had to eventually divorce Israel, and his discipline did not work – so maybe Christian husbands should not discipline their wives.

But God shows by his example that he would not and could not compromise his holiness even for the nation he loved. In the same way God does not want a Christian husband to sacrifice his faith to enable his wife’s sinful behavior, even if it results in divorce.  See this post that I wrote separately on this issue entitled “10 Ways to know if you are sacrificing your faith for your wife“.

Conclusion

Christian husband, you are not powerless to act against your wife’s sexual refusal. Also you need to remember that this about a lot more than sexual refusal. This is about your wife’s rebellion against a central tenet of marriage and her rebellion against the order God has established in marriage. But you must realize that this may be a long and costly battle. Your confrontation of your wife’s willful, sinful behavior may result in your marriage ending.

In our next post “10 Ways to know your wife” We will move out of this sexual arena and into getting to know your wife better.

Some might wonder why I addressed sexuality from a husband’s point of view first before I talk about “knowing your wife” and “honoring your wife” in following posts. The reason is because Biblically speaking “knowing your wife” on an intellectual, spiritual and emotional level was never a prerequisite to marriage in the Bible, it was something that often times came after the consummation (sex) in marriage.

Some have mistakenly compared the “Betrothal period” of the Bible to modern dating. The fact is betrothal and dating have nothing in common. In dating, the man and woman both choose to come together mutually and decide between themselves based on a physical, emotional and intellectual level if they want to get married (and often times they even have sex during this dating period).

Betrothal in Biblical times was nothing like dating today. Men did not convince a woman by romancing her to marry them as is the typical model of relationships and marriage in modern western culture. Either the parents of both the man and the woman would arrange their marriage, or the man would approach a woman’s father and ask for his daughter in marriage, and they would agree on a bride price (like Jacob asking Rachel’s father for her hand and he worked 7 years to buy her).

They were officially considered married at the Betrothal, and it took an actual bill of divorce to break a betrothal. But during the betrothal period the man was primarily concerned with being able to setup a house and be prepared to support his wife in marriage. When he was ready, he would come to claim his wife and they would consummate the marriage with sex. Many couples saw very little of each other if at all during this betrothal period.

A man really did not know his wife emotionally and intellectually until he “knew” her sexually.

That is why we will talk about “10 Ways to know your wife” and then “12 Ways to honor your wife” now that we have concluded our discussion of sexuality as it relates to being a godly husband.4

Click on the link below to listen to my 2-part, two hour podcast based on this article on how to confront your wife’s sexual refusal.

8 Steps To Confronting Your Wife’s Sexual Denial

101 Ways to Love your wife

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This is another great post by Nina Roesner, Author of The Respect Dare. I was sent the other post “101 ways to respect your husband”, and I thought the site was all toward women – it turns out is about 95% toward women(which is fine), but it does have some nuggets for us hubby’s as well.

Here are few of them I really liked:

“Hug her for no reason and with no motive every day.  If you only touch her when you want sex, she will feel used and insignificant to you.  When she feels like your treasure, your precious gem, she will be delighted more often, and work harder on her end of the relationship and her responsibilities. She will also trust you more, which means she will be less inhibited in the bedroom.”

I try to hug my wife every day, but sometimes I miss and this is a good reminder. My wife is actually not a touchy feeling person most of the time, but there are some days she really appreciates it. Touching your wife with no sexual motivations behind it something every woman wants from her husband.

Make dinner once a week (or more if you love doing that).

I love cooking and it takes some stress off my wife.  I like to make pastas and stir fries, but I understand for some guys the kitchen might be a frightful place to go.  If so just order take out – it still takes the stress off your wife.

 

Stroke or brush her hair.

This is one my wife REALLY likes.  Especially when we are sitting in bed at night watching TV -thankfully my wife likes to fall asleep to the TV so I can stay up watching TV in bed . She reminds me the next day if I forgot to play with her hair while we were in bed.

Say I’m sorry when you hurt her without explaining why you did it or why it is her fault.

This one is a toughy for me, but its really hard to not add “but”s  in with apologies, but she is right about that.

 

Send a text message during the day – something like any of the following:

This is another toughy for me – I am good at talking in person, not so good at sending random text messages, I have to really think about it to remember to to it.

There are a lot of other great tid bits for us guys so that we can grow closer to our wives.  These won’t solve all your problems in marriage, but they will certainly solve a lot!

The full post from Nina Roesner can be found here.

 

101 Ways to Respect Your Husband

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I absolutely love this post “101 Ways to Respect Your Husband” by Nina Roesner, Author of “The Respect Dare”. This is fantastic advice for any Christian wife. It will transform your marriage if you put into practice with all your heart, and ask God to give you his grace and strength, because only through him can we love our spouses the way we should.

Something a wife should always remember, and I have told my wife, my daughter and other Christian women in my life.

Yes we have all heard, men want respect.  But guess whose respect they care most about? Not their coworkers. Not their kids. Not even their parents. A man cares most about respect from person closest to him, the one who is supposed to be his unending cheerleader – his wife.

The Bible says this of a man who is disrespected or shamed by his wife:

“A virtuous woman is a crown to her husband: but she that maketh ashamed is as rottenness in his bones.” – Proverbs 12:4 KJV

Here are some of the 101 ideas that Nina mentions:

  1. Refrain from interrupting him in conversation.

  2. Make eye contact while listening to him.

  3. Avoid rolling your eyes while speaking with him. This communicates that you think his ideas are stupid – he’ll stop sharing what he thinks with you if you keep responding this way.

  4. Smile pleasantly while conversing with him.

  5. When he is speaking, listen intently, trying to understand.

  6. Appear approachable instead of judgmental while listening, asking questions to further your understanding, even if you think you might disagree.

  7. Avoid pursing your lips and scowling while speaking to him.

  8. Understand his point of view when you disagree, knowing that even though he may not be communicating emotionally, he might feel strongly about his thoughts.

  9. Affirm his point of view, especially when you disagree.

  10. Do something he likes to do with him.

  11. Help him carve out time to spend with his friends.

Continue reading Nina’s 90 other ways to respect your husband here.

Fairfax County Public Schools to teach children they can be any gender they want

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Apparently we can are no longer born male or female, but we actually choose over our lifetime what gender we want to be.  At least that is what one of the largest school systems in the country will start teaching its students.

These are some things the students will now be taught:

“Students will be provided definitions for sexual orientation terms heterosexuality, homosexuality and bisexuality; and the gender identity term transgender,” the district’s recommendations state. “Emphasis will be placed on recognizing that everyone is experiencing changes and the role of respectful, inclusive language in promoting an environment free of bias and discrimination”

“Individual identity will also be described as having four parts – biological gender, gender identity (includes transgender), gender role, and sexual orientation (includes heterosexual, bisexual, and homosexual).”

I agree with what Peter Sprigg of the Family Research Council said:

“The larger picture is this is really an attack on nature itself – the created order…

Human beings are created male and female. But the current transgender ideology goes way beyond that. They’re telling us you can be both genders, you can be no gender, you can be a gender that you make up for yourself. And we’re supposed to affirm all of it.”

The full article from Fox News can be found here

 

Is a husband selfish for having sex with his wife when she is not the mood?

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Couple With Problems Having Disagreement In Bed

Feminists and even some women who would not consider themselves feminists believe it is selfish for a man to have sex with his wife, knowing she is not in the mood. In fact some claim if a man has sex with his wife when she is not the mood this is rape.  This is a question that many Christian men are afraid to ask. Here we will try to answer this very important question, from a Biblical perspective.

I have several “disclaimers” on this hot topic throughout the post but I will put this most important one at the top in red so one thing is crystal clear since I have been falsely accused of promoting rape and physical abuse to women:

I have not, nor would I EVER advocate for a husband to force himself physically upon his wife or to physically abuse her in any fashion.  The issue being discussed here is about whether a man should take sex from his wife IF and ONLY IF she yields to his request for sex, even though she does so grudgingly and is not really in the mood, or does not feel he has earned it.

In our last post in this series on “How to be a godly husband”, we established the fact that as a Christian husband you do not have earn sex with your wife, any more than your wife has to earn sex with you. I took a beating from several people, even from some Christians who might 95% agree with me, because they thought I was not adding enough disclaimers about this right of sex in marriage.

But I stand by what I wrote, I feel that today we make far too many excuses for the sin of sexual denial in marriage, and as men of God we must address this issue without pulling punches.

In my last post “Christian Husbands – You don’t pay for the milk when you own the cow!” I did add some disclaimers at the end that some people missed about this issue of sexual denial:

“The answer to this question is a Christian wife should never give her husband a flat no, BUT she can humbly and gently ask for a delay. There may be legitimate physical or mental issues that might prompt your wife to ask you for a delay.  But this must be done humbly and respectfully, and always with the attitude in mind that her body does belong to her husband.”

There are also “disclaimers” sections here you will see as you read on reasons a wife might not be in the mood.

Now we need to establish the key Biblical teachings about sex.

Sex is both a Right and a Responsibility in marriage

Moses, speaking under the direct inspiration of God was the first to speak of the importance of sex in marriage:

“If he takes an additional wife, he must not reduce the food, clothing, or marital rights of the first wife. And if he does not do these three things for her, she may leave free of charge, without any exchange of money.” – Exodus 21:10-11(HCSB)

The phrase translated in English as “marital rights”, literally refers to conjugal rights – Sex.

In this passage, Moses establishes sex as the right of a wife, and the responsibility of a husband.

The Apostle Paul later in the New Testament, elaborates on this right and responsibility of sex in marriage making it clear that both husbands and wives have the right TO and responsibility FOR sex in marriage:

“A wife does not have the right over her own body, but her husband does. In the same way, a husband does not have the right over his own body, but his wife does.  Do not deprive one another sexually—except when you agree for a time, to devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again; otherwise, Satan may tempt you because of your lack of self-control.” – I Corinthians 7:4-5(HCSB)

The phrase “A wife does not have the right over her own body, but her husband does.” could not be clearer. A wife does not have the right to stand and deny her husband access to her body. As I said in the previous post, a wife can humbly ask for a “delay”, or “raincheck”, but only for legitimate physical or psychological reasons and the judge of what is legitimate or not is her husband.

Not only does the Apostle Paul start out with the sexual rights and responsibility of both men and women in marriage, he then tells us that if we disobey God by denying the sexual rights of our spouse, we open our marriage to temptation and danger.

The Apostle Paul pulls no punches here, Christian couples should only abstain from sex for short, mutually agreed upon periods of time. Christian husbands and wives should regularly be having sex. Not having sex for a long length of time, should be the exception, and not the norm in a Christian marriage.

But sex is supposed to be about feelings not duty right?

I understand to people who have not read the Scriptures, everything I have stated up to this point and in previous posts in these series seems cold, and unfeeling.  But you need to understand that our modern western culture has the idea of marriage and sex backwards from God’s design.

This the Modern Western formula regarding sex:

Feelings of fondness between a man and a woman leads to sex

This is God’s formula regarding sex:

Sex leads to feelings of fondness between a man and a woman

Some people might respond to this saying “it is not always true that sex leads to fondness between a man and a woman” and they would be right.  But let’s consider why it would not. I have one word for you – its called pride. A wife may actually be more annoyed at her husband after sex, then she was before if she does not release her feelings of pride during sex and give herself fully, both mind and body to her husband.

Exercising the right and responsibility of sex in marriage results in feelings of fondness between a man and a woman ONLY when both the man and the woman humble themselves first before God, and then before each other, realizing he has given their bodies to one another.

I am not saying it’s wrong that married couples have sex when they have feelings of fondness toward each other.  This is a good thing and what we want to see in our marriages.  But we must be careful that we don’t over time come to think that this is a prerequisite of sex, but rather we see it as a benefit of sex in marriage.

You as a husband are NOT being selfish for initiating sex with your wife

Young, naked couple in bed, the man leaning over the woman

You are not being selfish when you act on your God given sexual urges and initiate sex with your wife. Even if your wife is not in the mood, but she yields to your advance anyway, you ought to take it.

It is not selfish for you as husband to do what God commands you to do in his Word:

“18 Let thy fountain be blessed: and rejoice with the wife of thy youth. 19 Let her be as the loving hind and pleasant roe; let her breasts satisfy thee at all times; and be thou ravished always with her love.”

Proverbs 5:18-19 (KJV)

God commands men to find sexual satisfaction in their wife’s body “at all times”.

You should NEVER, EVER feel guilty for initiating sex with your wife.

Remember this principle when it comes to sex in your marriage. It is not just you, or your wife that need sex as individuals, but your marriage needs sex. While sex levels may go up and down from time to time, when sex completely ceases in a marriage the marriage will die. Sure you may still live together, but the connection between the two of you will be gone, and you both will expose yourselves to dangerous and sinful temptations by doing so.

Let me also be clear, that much of this advice I am giving to you is for Christian couples, where both the husband and wife profess faith in Christ, and believe the Bible is the Word of God. See my next post 8 steps to confront your wife’s sexual refusal where some of the steps could also apply to an unbelieving wife.

What I mean by “not in the mood” and by “you ought to take it”

The haters of the fact that God says sex is to occur if either the husband or wife want it will immediately scream “Rape” when I tell you as a Christian husband, that you ought to take the sex from your wife even if she is not in the mood.

The little phrase they neglect that I have stated is “if she yields”.

I am NOT advocating for a husband to physically force his wife to have sex with him.

I will address the situation if she does not yield in my next post.

But I will say this, despite American laws to the contrary, Biblically speaking, there is no such thing as “marital rape”. In the Scriptures, the only way rape occurs is if a man forces himself on a woman who is not his property (not his wife, or concubine). A man’s wives, his concubines (slave wives taken as captives of war or bought) could be made to have sex with him, no questions asked.

Now the Bible states that if a man did take one of his female slaves, he had to make her at least a slave wife (a concubine), which gave her a certain status above a normal slave. She had the right to be fed, clothed and the right to regular relations with him even he had other wives. She also had to be given the full rights of a daughter, if her father-in-law had purchased her for his son. I realize this entire scenario is appalling to our modern western notions, but I choose to not challenge God’s wisdom in the laws he gave. If you want to argue with God about this at the judgement, be my guest.

Two types of “not in the mood”

Really there are two classes of “not in the mood”, one is because of legitimate health reasons, perhaps she is experiencing painful intercourse or perhaps psychological issues and you should encourage your wife to seek medical assistance in these cases. But the other reason women are often not in the mood is because of “attitude issues”, basically adding up to “what has he done to earn this?” – This second reason is the “not in the mood” that I am primarily aiming at.

Reactions a wife might make to her husband’s sexual advances

The reaction every man wants to hear when he approaches his wife for sex

InMood

“Sure babe, let’s get it on.”

This is the way it should be the vast majority of the time.

The First type of “not in the mood”

WeHaveNotTalked

“We have not spent any time talking lately and you want to have sex?”

“I am really not feeling up to it babe, I am really sorry can I give you a raincheck for tomorrow?”

How you should react to “not in the mood” type 1

If your wife expresses a need to talk, then by all means sit down and talk with your wife. Perhaps she has had a rough day, and just needs to vent, or perhaps there is an unresolved conflict between the two of you that she would like to discuss. I think there needs to be a compromise here between husbands and wives, that sometimes we as guys can cool our testosterone jets just for a little bit and connect verbally with our wives when they need that prior to sex.

But wives need also to understand that sometimes a man has a rough day, and all he wants to do is have sex and forget his troubles, he does not want to talk about it. Your wife needs to respect this, and should not ALWAYS insist that you have to first connect verbally, she also should try to see sex from your perspective too – that sometimes you won’t be ready to talk until after you have had sex.

If you see that your wife is genuinely not feeling well(and not the classic “I have a headache” excuse), and she politely asks for a rain check, then by all means as a Christian husband be gracious and allow her that. Now if she is asking for a rain check every other day, then you may need to explore what is happening, and if there is a deeper issue.

The Second type of “not in the mood”

NotFeelingWellMood

“I am not really in the mood, but let’s just get this over with”

WhatHaveYoudoneForMe

Then we have the classic “What have you done for me lately?” reasons for not being in the mood:

“When was the last time you took me out?”

“Did you buy me anything at the jewelry store this week?”

“How are those dishes looking?”

Then we have the – “how often do i have to do this” not in the mood reactions:

HowOftenNotInMood

“Really? We just did it a week ago?”

NotInMoodHeadache

“I have a headache”

How you should react to “not in the mood” type 2

Many of us husbands, but not all, will take the grudging acceptance, where she yes, but with a bad attitude.

Believe it or not, I have seen bloggers and others online say that a man is raping his wife if he has sex with her, knowing she is not in the mood, even if she grudgingly yields. Anything short of her happy consent in their view, is rape. I have asked several good Christian women about this, including my wife and sister-in-law and they just laughed at such a ridiculous notion.

But if your wife’s reaction is anything but a happy or grudging yield to your sexual advance, you need only follow up her response with “is that a no?”

And perhaps throw in “do we need to sit down and refresh our minds with what God’s Word says about sex in marriage?” If your wife is not a Christian, a reference to the Scriptures may fall on deaf ears so you may just want to leave it with the first question “is that a no”, and then see my next post that will deal with how to handle unbelieving wives.

Your wife has two choices

Her first choice is to react to your “is that a no” question by grudgingly giving in. This is what I mean by, if she is not in the mood, but yields anyway, then just take it, knowing that both you and your marriage need the sex.

Her second choice is to react to your “is that a no” with a “Yep, it’s a no”. In that case you have to move to a different strategy that with I will address in my next post, “8 steps to confront your wife’s sexual refusal”.

But a woman can’t physically have sex when she is not in the mood

I added this section to the original post to address the emails and comments I got claiming a woman can’t physically have sex unless she is in the mood.  Basically the argument goes like this.  When a woman desires to have sex with a man, her vagina will start to lubricate itself in anticipation of intercourse. If there is no desire, then there is no lubrication and therefore if she is not in the mood she will automatically have dry and painful intercourse.

Just because I am saying it is OK if a woman grudgingly yields to her husband for sex he should take it, this does NOT give him the right to just “go for it”.  He ought to use foreplay and touch various parts of her body and massage her in an attempt to relax her.  He could also use oral sex as a way to help her get lubricated, and if that is not working use an artificial lubricant to help.  There are ways to make sure a woman is sufficiently lubricated, even if she is not in the mood for sex.

Christian husbands the ball is in your court

So as a Christian husband you have quite the task on your shoulders. God wants sex to be a regular part of your marriage. Unless you are one those rare guys with little to no sex drive, you want sex in your marriage. Your wife may or may not want sex, or she may want it far less frequently than you do. But regardless of either of your sex drives, sex is to be a regular occurrence when you are married.

You need to pray and ask for God’s guidance in trying to truly discern if your wife’s “not in the mood” problem is a true mental or physical health issue (and if so seek help), or is it an attitude issue in which case as I said previously – if she yields (even grudgingly), you ought to take it.  Do not feel bad and don’t let her make you think you being selfish for wanting sex with her, when the truth from God’s perspective is that she is the one being both rebellious and selfish.

The next post in this series will address “How to handle it when your wife refuses to have sex”. After that we will tackle what it means to “live with your wife according to knowledge”, “what it means to honor your wife” and many other topics related to being a godly husband.

Before you send your comments, I suggest you read my comments policy if you want a chance of your comment going through.

Hannity Guest Gavin McInnes says woman happier in the home

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GavinMcInnesOnHannity

I was working late tonight watching the rerun of Sean Hannity’s show on Fox News when I heard what he thought would have turned out to be an innocent interview about Hillary Clinton turn into something very different. I grabbed my DVR remote and recorded this golden piece of television history.  The interview started out with a discussion about recent reports that Hillary Clinton has paid her female staffers significantly less than her male staffers. Tamara Holder, a regular Fox News contributor who represents left wing feminists, took the position that the reports were false.

Gavin McInnes, the co-founder of Vice Media(and also a regular Fox News guest) stunned Tamara leaving her mouth wide open when he made these statements:

“The big picture here is, women do earn less in America because they choose to,they would rather go to their daughter’s piano recital than stay all night at work, working on a proposal so they end up earning less…They’re less ambitious, and I think this is sort of God’s way, this is nature’s way of saying women should be at home with the kids — they’re happier there.”

Gavin backed up his assertions with a book entitled ““Why Men Earn More” and encouraged Tamara to read it.

Gavin was right – this is “God’s Way”

The Bible states that a woman’s place is in the home, and this was the design of God from the very beginning:

“Teach the young women to be sober, to love their husbands, to love their children, to be discreet, chaste, keepers at home, good, obedient to their own husbands, that the word of God be not blasphemed.” – Titus 2:4-5 (KJV)

God is clear, from the Old Testament to the New Testament, that his intention, his design for women, was for them to keep and manage their homes. This is not some drudgery, it is a privilege from God.  He has beautifully equipped with women with an eye for fashion so that each woman can beautifully decorate her home, in a way most men would not have a clue.

Who is better at taking care of the kids when they are sick, who is the great empathizer? Mom or Dad?

Who do little children cry out for most of the time – Mom or Dad?

Who did God equip with a natural way of feeding infants? Mom or Dad?

This is not just in the God’s Word, it is common sense, the truth stands before us.

I love one of Gavin’s final remarks to Tamara Holder:

 “Look, you’re miserable. You’d be so much happier with kids around you tonight…Feminism has made women miserable. Women were much happier when housewives were glorified.”

The look on her face after he said it was priceless.

FoxNewsWomenInHome2

All I have to say Gavin is Amen.  Amen brother.

I am curious if Sean Hannity will respond to this or not, he looked like he was trying to stay out of it, but this may catch a fire storm in upcoming days and I truly hope it does.  We really need to examine what feminism has done to this country and our culture, and this was a great discussion about that.

Women are truly happier, when they live according to the how God designed them, instead of daily trying to fight that design.