Four Biblical Ways a Christian Wife Can Cope with a Cheating Husband

The world and sadly many churches today tell women to leave their cheating husbands.   But is this what the Bible tells women to do? How can a woman possibly stay with a cheating husband? How could she cope with this on a daily basis and have any kind of a relationship with her husband knowing what he is doing?

In my new podcast series on BGRLearning.com entitled “Four Biblical Ways a Christian Wife Can Cope with a Cheating Husband”, I first start out with an email from a Christian wife named Beth.  She has been married 8 years and has three children.  She recently discovered that her husband has been engaging in sexual sin while he is away on business trips.

I help her and other wives to navigate the range of emotions they are experiencing and point them to the Bible to put their husbands’ sin in a right Biblical perspective.  It is only when a woman sees her husband’s sin from God’s perspective and that she can fully accept how God wants her to cope with her husband’s sin.

Whoremongering husbands are nothing new in the history of the world.   Both men and women have been engaging in sexual sin since the beginning of mankind.  And as with many things in the Bible, his instructions to wives in how to deal with and cope with their husband’s sin is different than his instructions for men. 

It is possible for a Christian wife to have a good relationship, a loving relationship, with her whoremongering husband if she follows the commands and principles of the Word of God that I talk about in this series.

Many Christian women today may find this impossible to believe, but with God all things are possible. 

Even if you are not married or are married and don’t have a whoremongering husband, the Biblical principles in this series will help to strengthen your marriage.

Click here to go to BGRLearning.com today and subscribe to listen to this series as well as hundreds of other podcasts on masculinity, femininity courtship, marriage and sex all from a Biblical perspective.

Submissiveness, Reverence, Trustworthiness and Sexiness – 4 Habits Every Newlywed Wife Needs

There are four habits that every newlywed Christian wife needs to form in her marriage beginning on her wedding day.  And these are the habits of submissiveness, reverence, trustworthiness and sexiness.  In this new podcast I have produced for BGRLearning.com, I supply newlywed wives with biblically based, detailed and practical ways to help them establish these habits.

And on the term “sexiness”.  A lot of traditional women would have no issue with the habits of submissiveness, reverence and trustworthiness be required for wives but they would immediately raise their eyes at the thought that they must be sexy for their husbands.  Some think it is “un-lady like” or immodest for a wife to act in sexually arousing ways toward her husband.  Other women might say “I know I have to be submissive to my husband’s sexual desires – but where does the Bible say I have to be sexy toward him?”

In this podcast I show the answers to these questions and concerns from the Bible and practically apply these truths for newlywed Christian wives.  And while this podcast is primarily directed at newlywed Christian wives, it is never too late for Christian women who have been married many years to learn to incorporate these habits in their marriages as well.

Click here to go to BGRLearning.com and subscribe to listen to this podcast as well as gain access to hundreds of podcasts on the topics of masculinity, femininity, courtship, marriage and sex all from a Biblical perspective.

Why God Wants Wives To Be Doormats

“A wife being submissive does not mean her being a doormat”.    This phrase is commonly used even within traditional and conservative Christian circles which promote the submission of wives to their husbands and male headship.    But this teaching, that wives should not allow themselves to be doormats for their husbands is totally unbiblical and instead finds its basis in modern humanist teachings.

The Modern Church’s False Doormat Doctrine

GotQuestions.org, in an article entitled “How can a Christian avoid being a doormat for other people?”  makes the following statements which accurately represent the modern Doormat doctrine:

“A doormat is a small rug placed just inside a doorway where people can wipe their dirty shoes before entering the house. The term doormat is also used figuratively to describe people who allow themselves to be (figuratively) walked on by others; that is, a doormat allows himself or herself to be abused, disparaged, or taken advantage of without mounting a defense. Since Jesus taught us to “turn the other cheek” (Matthew 5:39) and to “do good to those who hate you” (Luke 6:27), was He telling us to be doormats?

Jesus was not teaching His disciples to be doormats. Rather, He was teaching that, to glorify God and show ourselves to be His true children, we need to be pure inside and out and to be as accommodating as possible for the sake of a lost world. To “turn the other cheek” does not mean we place ourselves or others in danger or that we ignore injustice…

It may appear noble and Christlike when someone allows himself or herself to be used as a doormat, but there could also be a selfish reason behind it. For example, some people allow themselves to be doormats because of their own insecurities and low self-worth. They fear rejection, so they allow their personal boundaries to be violated by others in hopes they will be appreciated and loved. They are trying to gain validation by purchasing it with their compliance, in effect, expecting fallible people to tell them who they are instead of relying on God to do that….

Third, Christians can seek wise counsel about boundary-setting. The Bible is a book of boundaries and consequences. Healthy boundaries make for healthy relationships. The word no is powerful. We need to learn that enabling the sins or irresponsibility of others is not loving; it is self-indulgent. Selfish fear, rooted in a desire for others to love, appreciate, or need us, propels us to rescue those who should experience their own consequences.”

So, what is the synopsis of this false doctrine?

The modern doormat doctrine teaches that no Christian man or woman should allow themselves “to be abused, disparaged, or taken advantage of without mounting a defense” and to tolerate such mistreatment makes one guilty of the sin of being a “doormat”.

According to the Doormat doctrine, in order to avoid the sin of becoming a doormat, a Christian must learn to set boundaries with others and learn the concept that “The word no is powerful”.  When one commits the sin of being a doormat, they are “enabling the sins or irresponsibility of others” and engaging in “selfish fear”.

And let’s not kid ourselves.  The Doormat doctrine was invented as a result of the influence of feminism in modern churches.  It was invented to give power to women that God never meant for them to have.  And that is why in most cases, you will see this Doormat doctrine applied to wives in regard to their husbands.

A Little Truth Mixed in With the False Doormat Doctrine

Many false doctrines have at least a little bit of truth in them.  This is what gets people to fall for false doctrines.  And this is the case with the Doormat doctrine.

First, it is true that is not always wrong for Christians to say no, in fact sometimes it absolutely right to say no and resist wrong doing that is being done against us or others.

In Deuteronomy 22:23-27 God requires that a young woman say no and cry out and resist if a man who is not her husband tries to make her have sex with him.  And the Apostles, when told not to preach the Gospel, said in Acts 5:29 “We ought to obey God rather than men”.      

In Nehemiah 4:14 the God given right and responsibility of men to fight to defend their wives, their children and their homes is firmly established where it states “fight for your brethren, your sons, and your daughters, your wives, and your houses”.

Even within the Christian church among the Apostles, we see that the Apostle Paul took a strong stand against injustice when he saw the Apostle Peter discriminating against the new Gentile Christians in Galatians 2:11-12:

“11 But when Peter was come to Antioch, I withstood him to the face, because he was to be blamed. 12 For before that certain came from James, he did eat with the Gentiles: but when they were come, he withdrew and separated himself, fearing them which were of the circumcision.”

The point is that sometimes we must absolutely say no and take a stand against certain sinful behaviors that are committed against us or against others.

And certainly, we all must set the boundary with others that we will never allow someone to make us do something which God forbids in his law.

The Errors of the False Doormat Doctrine

One of the foundational errors of the modern church’s false Doormat doctrine is that it utterly ignores the relational context of when someone is being “abused, disparaged, or taken advantage of”.  But in the Bible, the relational context of when someone is being “abused, disparaged, or taken advantage of” is crucial to understanding what God wants our response to be in that situation.

For instance, if someone is threatening or committing harm against a man, his wife, his children or his property he has the God given right of self-defense (Nehemiah 4:14). 

But what about someone who has a master? If they are being “abused, disparaged, or taken advantage of” what does God say they should do in that situation? Should they mount a defense?  The answer is given to us in the following passage from 1 Peter 2:18-21:

“18 Servants, be subject to your masters with all fear; not only to the good and gentle, but also to the froward.  19 For this is thankworthy, if a man for conscience toward God endure grief, suffering wrongfully. 20 For what glory is it, if, when ye be buffeted for your faults, ye shall take it patiently? but if, when ye do well, and suffer for it, ye take it patiently, this is acceptable with God. 21 For even hereunto were ye called: because Christ also suffered for us, leaving us an example, that ye should follow his steps”

So, what is God’s answer to those who have masters who are froward (cruel and unjust) toward them?  Does he tell them to mount a defense? No, but rather he tells them that it is “thankworthy” and “acceptable with God” for them to endure such unjust treatment by their masters and that in doing so they emulate Christ who also suffered unjustly.

And then, immediately after saying this to slaves regarding their masters, he says the following to wives regarding their husbands in 1 Peter 3:1-2 & 5-6:

“1 Likewise, ye wives, be in subjection to your own husbands; that, if any obey not the word, they also may without the word be won by the conversation of the wives; 2 While they behold your chaste conversation coupled with fear…5 For after this manner in the old time the holy women also, who trusted in God, adorned themselves, being in subjection unto their own husbands: 6 Even as Sara obeyed Abraham, calling him lord: whose daughters ye are, as long as ye do well, and are not afraid with any amazement”

When taken together – 1 Peter 2:18 through 1 Peter 3:6 teaches that those who have masters, whether they be wives or slaves, are commanded to endure cruel and unjust treatment from their masters.  And in doing so, those who endure mistreatment at the hands of their masters emulate Christ in his sufferings. 

Why 1 Peter 2:18 through 1 Peter 3:6 Is So Hard for Americans to Accept

1 Peter 2:18 through 1 Peter 3:6 is a very difficult passage of the Bible for modern westerners, and especially Americans, to swallow.  This passage really takes a sledge hammer to the individualist and humanist ideals which form the foundation for modern American values.

Below is a list of modern American values which 1 Peter 2:18 through 1 Peter 3:6 contradicts:

  1. No person may be owned by another – to do so makes them a slave and slavery is always immoral under any circumstances.
  2. No person may be controlled or coerced against their will to do something they do not wish to do. (Of course, the humanists make exceptions for parents with children and the government making people do certain things like paying taxes, giving up guns or taking vaccines).
  3. Men and women have equal rights and should have equal opportunities in all areas of society.
  4. No person should ever tolerate abuse from another person, they should always defend themselves against any unjust treatment by others.

The fact is that the Bible does not hold to any of these modern core American beliefs.  The Bible explicitly allows the taking of slaves and the concept of human property in Leviticus 25:44-46.  The Bible does not condemn slavery, but rather it condemns the unjust taking of slaves in Deuteronomy 24:7 (someone taking one of his fellow citizens and selling them). The Bible also condemns the physical abuse of slaves in Exodus 21:20-21 & 26-27.   For more on the subject of slavery from a Biblical perspective see my article “Why Christians Shouldn’t Be Ashamed of slavery in the Bible”.

The Bible also teaches that a person can have a master (be owned) and yet not be slave.  This concept is a real head-scratcher for modern Americans but it is very Biblical.

In the passage above from 1 Peter 3:6, God exhorts women to follow the example of Sarah who called her husband “lord”.  The Greek word there is ‘Kurios’ which means “master/lord/owner” and throughout the Old Testament it was common for the Hebrew word ‘baal’ meaning “master/lord/owner” to be used in regard to a woman’s husband.

So, both wives and slaves have masters, yet wives are not slaves. 

The primary difference in the relationship between masters and their wives and masters and their slaves is that the master of a wife has a much greater set of responsibilities toward his wife than that of a master of a slave.   The master of a wife is to love her as Christ does his church and to provide for her and protect her as he does his own body.  A master of a wife is to give his body to his wife in the bed. He is to be willing to lay down his life to save hers.  He has a responsibility to mold her and teach her how to emulate the church and to be the glorious wife she needs to be.  A master of a slave has none of these responsibilities toward his slave.  For more on this subject of the Biblical comparison of wives to slaves see my article “8 Biblical Differences Between Wives and Slaves”.

And this is why passages like 1 Peter 2:18 through 1 Peter 3:6 is almost impossible for modern Christians to fully comprehend without first understanding that some of our core American values are in fact unbiblical.

But Aren’t Wives Enabling Sin If They Don’t Confront Their Husbands?

This is a very popular aspect of the modern false Doormat doctrine.  It teaches that if wives allow their husbands to sin against them by mistreating them that they are enabling their husband’s sin and thus sinning against God themselves in doing so. 

But I encourage you to look throughout the Scriptures to find God calling a woman to go to her husband and rebuke him to his face about his sin.  You won’t find one passage.  Yes, we have Pilot’s wife warning him about a vision she had about Christ in Matthew 27:19 – but that was not a rebuke – it was a plea.  And even with Abigail in 1 Samuel 25 when she acted to save her family from her husband’s evil deeds, she did not rebuke her husband to his face.

So, what is so different about the husband/wife relationship which forbids a wife from rebuking her husband? The answer is found in Ephesians 5:22-24:

“22 Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord. 23 For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the saviour of the body. 24 Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing.”

The husband/wife relationship is different than any other human relationship.  It is a sacred institution created by God.  The husband represents God and the wife represents the people of God.   For the wife to rebuke her husband would symbolize the church rebuking Christ.  

Now some would argue that husbands are not perfect like Christ and that is true.  Christ was the only sinless man to ever walk this earth – amen.  

But the Biblical prescription for how women should handle sin in their lives of their husbands shows us that even though husbands are sinners, God has not given wives the right to rebuke or chastise their husbands for their sin.

The prescription for how a wife is to handle sin in the life of her husband, whether it is toward her or others, is found in 1 Peter 3:1-2.  The wife is to win her husband without a word, by her behavior (that is what conversation means in the KJV translation of 1 Peter 3:1).  

However, the situation is very different with a husband in regard to his wife.   The Bible tells husbands to love their wives as Christ does his church in Ephesians 5:25 and in Revelation 3:19 Christ says to his churches “As many as I love, I rebuke and chasten: be zealous therefore, and repent”.  Therefore, we can rightly say that is a sin for a wife to rebuke her husband but on the other hand it is a sin for a husband not to rebuke his wife because the husband and wife have different positions and responsibilities.

Conclusion

The Doormat doctrine, the doctrine that wives should never allow themselves “to be abused, disparaged, or taken advantage of without mounting a defense” is completely contradictory to the Biblical teachings of 1 Peter 2:18 through 1 Peter 3:6.

The Bible says it is “acceptable with God” (1 Peter 2:20) for those with masters, which includes wives, to “endure grief, suffering wrongfully” (1 Peter 2:19).  In other words, it is acceptable and honoring to God for wives to be doormats when it comes to their husbands.  And in doing so, wives emulate Christ when he suffered unjust treatment.

Rather than rebuking their husbands for each and every offense, 1 Peter 3:1-2 teaches wives to win their husbands without a word by their behavior which includes their pure actions, their submission and their reverence toward their husbands.

Can and should Christian wives have any boundaries with their husbands? Yes.

Not all forms of abuse must be taken by Christian wives.  The prohibition against masters abusing their slaves from Exodus 21:20-21 & 26-27 absolutely applies to masters (husbands) of wives.  And women can be freed from their husbands if their husbands do anything that risks serious bodily harm to them. Women can also take actions to defend themselves and their children against imminent harm that their husband’s actions pose against them or their children as Abigail did in 1 Samuel 25.

Women can and should establish the boundary with their husbands that they will never do anything which God forbids in his Word.  That means if a husband asks his wife to engage in a threesome with their neighbor or asks her to help him rob a bank, she must respectfully decline in obedience to God which is her higher authority.   

This really is the big difference between the Doormat doctrine and what the Bible teaches.  The Doormat doctrine teaches that wives should not tolerate any abusive behavior from their husbands, while the Bible teaches that women should tolerate most kinds of abuse but not all abuse from their husbands.

And a final note on husbands and their sin.  Many will ask – “If a wife cannot confront her husband on his sin than who can?” And then answer is other men.  Whether it be fellow male church members, his brothers, his wife’s brothers, his father or his wife’s father other men absolutely have a right and responsibility to confront one another about their sinful treatment of their wives.

Dominance, Dialogue and Delegation – Habits Newlywed Husbands Need To Implement in Marriage

There are three habits that every newlywed Christian husband needs to form in his marriage beginning on his wedding day.  And these are the habits of dominance, dialogue and delegation.  In this new podcast I have produced for BGRLearning.com, I supply newlywed husbands with biblically based, practical ways to help them establish the regular habits of dominance, dialogue and delegation with their new wives.

Click here to go to BGRLearning.com and subscribe to listen to this podcast and hundreds of other podcasts on the topics of masculinity, femininity, marriage, sex and discipline from all from a Biblical perspective.

The Dark Side of Patriarchy

The Bible is clear that patriarchy is God’s design.  It is not meant as a punishment on women, but rather it is meant to be a beautiful picture of the relationship between God and his people. 

From Genesis 3:16 in the Old Testament where God declared that man would rule over woman to 1 Peter 3:6 in the New Testament where God commanded women to regard their husbands as their early lords, Patriarchy is firmly established in the Bible.

But those of us Christians who still hold to the truth of Biblical Patriarchy must also acknowledge another truth.  That some men sinfully use the power of patriarchy, they pervert it and use it to feed their sinful desires rather than using it as God intended it to be used for good.

And this is what I will be talking about in today’s podcast – the dark side of patriarchy.

Warning – I will be sharing some very disturbing stories in this podcast that I have heard from people who have written me over the years. But we as believers in Biblical Patriarchy need to recognize and know the reality of these perversions of patriarchy that are going on around us – even in Christian churches.

To listen to this podcast, as well as hundreds of other podcasts on subjects like courtship, marriage, sex and discipline from a Biblical perspective go to BGRLearning.com today and subscribe.

It Is a Sin for Wives to Be Jealous of Their Husbands


Many women today believe it is absolutely righteous for them to be jealous of their husbands.  And they are even backed in their jealousy toward their husbands by many modern Christian preachers, teachers and counselors.

But such a teaching, that it is right for women to be jealous over their husbands, is found nowhere in the Scriptures.  In fact, the Scriptures show the very opposite. 

A woman entertaining and acting upon jealous feelings toward her husband is a sin because her jealousy is a complete rejection of God’s design of the masculine sexual nature and God’s allowance for polygamy.

A Husband’s Jealousy Over His Wife Is Righteous

In Ezekiel 16:38 (KJV) we read “And I will judge thee, as women that break wedlock and shed blood are judged; and I will give thee blood in fury and jealousy”.  A husband’s possessive jealousy over his wife images God’s jealousy over his wife Israel and it is a righteous and holy type of jealousy. 

The Husband Exclusively Owns His Wife, the Wife Does Not Own Her Husband

The Bible says the following in Deuteronomy 22:22 (KJV):

“If a man be found lying with a woman married [Hebrew: “baal” as pronoun – “owned”] to an husband [Hebrew: “baal” as noun “Master/Owner”], then they shall both of them die, both the man that lay with the woman, and the woman: so shalt thou put away evil from Israel.”

This principle of the husband’s mastery over his wife is reinforced in the New Testament as well in 1 Peter 3:5-6 (KJV):

“For after this manner in the old time the holy women also, who trusted in God, adorned themselves, being in subjection unto their own husbands:  Even as Sara obeyed Abraham, calling him lord [Greek “kurios” Master/Owner]: whose daughters ye are, as long as ye do well, and are not afraid with any amazement.”

In the Scriptures, for a woman to be married means for her to owned by a husband.  He owns her, she does not own him.
This is why the Bible allows husbands to have more than one wife (Polygyny),but forbids wives to have more than one husband (Polyandry).  Regarding men taking second wives the Scriptures state the following:

“If he take him another wife; her food, her raiment, and her duty of marriage, shall he not diminish”

Exodus 21:10 (KJV)

The Bible uses two different words for ownership.  The Greek Word “heautou” always means exclusive ownership while the Greek word “idios” can mean someone being owned by another or someone having shared access to someone or something. Consider these uses of “idios”:

“For Jesus himself testified, that a prophet hath no honour in his own [idios] country.” 

John 4:44 (KJV)

“Who art thou that judgest another man’s servant? to his own [idios] master he standeth or falleth. Yea, he shall be holden up: for God is able to make him stand.” 

Romans 14:4 (KJV)

Now let’s consider the following New Testament passage which so many Pastors today wrongly teach as husbands and wives mutually owning one another:

“Nevertheless, to avoid fornication, let every man have his own [heautou] wife, and let every woman have her own [idios] husband.” 

1 Corinthians 7:2 (KJV)

When we consider the fact that the husband is the master and owner of his wife and the fact that God uses the word for exclusive ownership – “heautou” – when it comes to a man’s ownership over his wife – yet he uses the word idios which when used with masters means the very opposite – “owned” we see a very different picture than what is told to us in many pulpits today. 

But while the husband is his wife’s master, she is not his slave.  She is his wife.  Exodus 21:10 as well as 1 Corinthians7:3-5 show us that a wife is to have shared access to her husband’s provision, protection and his body in the bed. 

Many Christian women today comfort themselves in their possessive jealousy over their husbands by saying “God only made one wife for the first man”.  Yet they ignore the fact that God made the second man marry his sister. 

The fact is in order to understand God’s full design for marriage we must look at the complete revelation of God from Genesis to Revelation.  Only when we do this will we will then understand that a man having one wife as well as a man marrying his sister were temporary. That later in the law of Moses God would take away his temporary allowance for sibling marriage while at the same time expanding on his allowance for polygamy.  And God never removed his allowance for polygamy in the New Testament no matter how much many Christians would like to believe he did.

The evidence is all over the Bible – women do NOT have a right to be possessively jealous over their husbands but husbands absolutely have a right to be possessively jealous over their wives. 

A wife’s jealousy over her husband’s thoughts or glancing at other women or liking certain actresses in movies or TV can cause a lot of problems in marriage.  It is only when a wife’s sinful jealousy is confronted by both herself and her husband that men can be free to exercise their full masculine nature.


And what does a husband fully exercising his masculine polygynous nature look like? Does it mean he runs out and gets another wife? In most cases the answer is no – he is not going to do that.  In 21st century America, it is rare for husbands to act on their right to take additional wives.  It is a difficult life not only for financial reasons but also because of our societal condemnation of polygamy. 

But here is what a man being free to fully exercise his God give masculine polygynous sexual nature will most likely look like.  He won’t go out and get another wife – but he may ask his wife to engage in sexual role play acting like she is another woman.  He might feel free to watch movies and TV shows with actresses he likes where before he would worry about incurring the jealous rage of his wife.  He won’t have to look at the ground when he goes to the mall or especially the beach because he is afraid his wife might see him enjoying the beauty of other women around him.

 
Possessive Jealousy Verses Envious Jealousy

As I have shown throughout this article, possessive jealousy by a woman toward her husband is always wrong because this kind of jealousy reflects a rejection of God’s design of masculinity and marriage.
But there is another type of jealousy, envious jealousy, which God was attempting to provoke in his wife Israel.  In the context of speaking about his first wife Israel (whom he divorced for adultery) God said this about his new bride the Church:

“I say then, Have they stumbled that they should fall? God forbid: but rather through their fall salvation is come unto the Gentiles, for to provoke them to jealousy.”
Romans 11:11 (KJV)

God in taking the church (a new spiritual body made up of believing Jews and Gentiles) was seeking to provoke his old wife (ethnic Jews – Israel) to envious jealousy.  His goal is for the Jews who rejected him to see how well he treats the church so that Israel (ethnic Jews collectively) will one day want him back as her husband. And this is a way that wives can totally transform their possessive jealousy into an envious jealousy that drives them to be better wives to their husbands. 

But to explain how women can do this I need to first give a brief review of love in marriage.

A husband’s love for his wife in the form of his leadership, provision, and protection towards her is unconditional.  She does not have to earn that – he committed these things to her on the day he took her as his wife. 

But most women confuse Agape love (committed love) with Phileo love (feelings love) and Eros love (sexual love).   A woman does not have earn her husband’s committed love, but she very much has to earn his Phileo and Eros love by what she does toward him. 

This is why the Bible commands that husbands are to be ravished (sexually intoxicated) by their wives in Proverbs 5:19. And this command requires the participation of both the husband and the wife.  A husband cannot be ravished by a prudish wife and a wife cannot ravish a husband who ignores her attempts to ravish him.

So here is how women can transform their possessive jealousy into an envious jealously which fuels positive change in their marriage.   Instead of being mad at him for checking out that woman in the mall – the ravishing wife takes what she saw and offers to role play being that woman in bed with her husband at home.  Or maybe she sees some sexual acts in a movie her and her husband are watching and sees that he likes it – maybe later than evening or another night she seeks to recreate what they saw that he likes.

My point is that a woman’s jealousy can be used for good or for evil.  And women should redirect and harness their jealousy for the good of their husbands and their marriages.

Why keep speaking on Polygamy?

A lot of my traditional Christian followers write me wishing I would stop talking about Biblical polygamy. It makes them uncomfortable.  

I consider myself a traditional Christian.  But unlike many traditional Christians today, my traditional beliefs are not based in 1950s American values.

My beliefs are based upon traditional values which started with the teachings and law God gave to Moses more than 3500 years ago.

And I fully recognize the progressive revelation of God and the fact that in the New Testament the Civil and Ceremonial laws of Israel are replaced with the new law of Christ.  But the moral law of the Old Testament remains and acceptance of it is crucial for us to understand God’s view of marriage and sexuality.

Go to BGRLearning.com to listen to hundreds of podcasts on topics such as gender roles, marriage and sexuality from a Biblical perspective.

Virtuous Women Are Rarely Found – They Are Made By Godly Husbands

3000 years ago, the Bible declared in Proverbs 31:10 “Who can find a virtuous woman? for her price is far above rubies.”  In other words, long before feminism infested and poisoned every part of our modern society it was hard for a man to find a woman who thought and acted as God wants wives to.

So why was it hard even 3000 years ago for a man to find a virtuous woman? The answer is one word – sin.  Sin corrupts the perfect masculine and feminine human natures that God created in Eden. 

Sin corrupts us both mentally and physically.  It also corrupts us differently as men and women.   Sin is why we get sick and why we age and it is why we will eventually die.  It is why people have mental illnesses including issues with depression and anxiety. 

Women tend to suffer from some common corruptions of their feminine natures by sin.  Women typically are affected by depression and anxiety issues at a much higher rate then men are. 

God created women as feelings-based beings, rather than duty-based beings as men are.   And sin corrupts the emotions of women causing them to fail in their duties as wives, mothers and keepers of their homes.

This is why the vast majority of women need their husband to love them as Christ loves his church by washing their spots and wrinkles, teaching them, rebuking them and chastening them in order for them to become the glorious wives God wants them to be.

Single Christian men – the Scriptures declare that it is nearly impossible to find a woman who will come to you prepackaged as a good wife. If you are looking for a woman that has everything in her life together, is disciplined and has her emotions completely in control you may find yourself one day being a 40-year-old virgin.

Are there single women who are not yet everything a good wife should be? Women who love God, believe they must live by his Word, believe in male headship, believe in women being keepers at home and aspire to become good wives one day with their help of their husbands and God?  Yes.  And those are the women Christian men should be looking for.

“Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it; that he might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word, that he might present it to himself a glorious church, not having spot, or wrinkle, or any such thing; but that it should be holy and without blemish.”

Ephesians 5:25-27 (KJV)

Virtuous women are rarely found that way. It is only after years of washing, teaching, rebuking and chastening by their husbands that that most women achieve this noble status.

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Being A Christian And Being Married Is Hard

After decades of being a Christian and being a husband – whenever I hear a new Christian or a new husband or wife say that the Christian life or Christian marriage in particular is easy – I just laugh.  Why do I laugh? Because anyone who says the Christian life or marriage is easy has not yet experienced the trying of their faith or their marriage.

This is why the Bible forbids churches from allowing new converts to become pastors in the church when it says they cannot be “…a novice, lest being lifted up with pride he fall into the condemnation of the devil” (1 Timothy 3:6).   The Greek word translated as “novice” means “newly planted”, meaning a new convert.

The idea here is that a new Christian who has not experienced many years of the trying and testing of his faith may become conceited and lifted with pride.  But it is only through the trials of life as a Christian that we gain both the humility and wisdom enough to be good teachers of the faith.

It is not easy to be the good husbands and wives or Christians that God calls us to be.  It is hard.  It is a constant daily struggle with our sin nature.  It takes a daily recommitment to God knowing that we may have failed in our duties to God or our spouse in some way just the day before.

The Apostle Paul stated the following about his struggle with his old man, his sin nature, which warred against his new spiritual nature given him by Christ:

“… for to will is present with me; but how to perform that which is good I find not.  For the good that I would I do not: but the evil which I would not, that I do…
O wretched man that I am! who shall deliver me from the body of this death? I thank God through Jesus Christ our Lord. So then with the mind I myself serve the law of God; but with the flesh the law of sin.”
Romans 7:18-19 & 24-25 (KJV)

Being a follower of Christ and a good Christian spouse is about more than making a one-time commitment to serve God and saying “no” to our flesh.   It is about so much more than mere will power.  It is about daily depending on Christ and the Holy Spirit and constantly recognizing where we fail, confessing our sin, and seeking to do the good that God would have us to do.

A Godly Wife Is Her Teacher’s Pet

Merriam Webster’s dictionary defines a “teacher’s pet” as “a pupil who has won the teacher’s special favor”.  And this is what every wife should strive for, to be her husband’s pet, his student who has won his special favor.

The Bible teaches that a woman is not only to regard her husband as her head (Eph 5:23) and her master (1 Peter 3:6) but also as her teacher.

The Bible says this of wives in 1 Corinthians 14:35:

“And if they will learn any thing, let them ask their husbands at home: for it is a shame for women to speak in the church.”

And 1 Peter 3:1-2 teaches wives to win their husbands with their subjection, their reverence and overall good behavior.

The husband is to be his wife’s teacher.  Her worldview should be shaped by his teachings. And the wife is to be the teacher’s pet.

This requires a woman to humble herself and rid herself of the pride that this modern post feminist world fills women with.

Wives, Butt Out Of Your Husband’s Business

It is very common in post-feminist Christendom to hear pastors and other Christian teachers teach that men should make themselves fully accountable to their wives. Men are told they should share all their passwords for their phones, laptops, other devices, social media accounts and bank accounts. Of course women are told to do the same with their husbands as well.

The rationale for this recommendation is that it helps husbands and wives to to defend their marriage against infidelity and other sins that either the husband or wife may be tempted by. And this is not just about sexual fidelity, it is also about things like diet, finances and parenting issues.

While I have a lot of respect for Dennis and Barbara Rainey from Family Life Ministries, this is one area where he follows the modern Christian crowd which has been poisoned by femininist ideology. On his website under an article entitled “Accountability With Your Spouse” Mr. Rainey writes:

“The wise preacher declared, “Two are better than one because … if either of them falls, the one will lift up his companion. But woe to the one who falls when there is not another to lift him up” (Ecclesiastes. 4:9–10). That Scripture shouts the value of mutual support or accountability in marriage.”

Sorry Mr. Rainey, but no – that Scripture does not “shout .. accountability in marriage”. Ecclesiastes 4:9–10, while being widely read at weddings, is not a Bible passage specifically talking about marriage. It is talking about friendship. Now someone might respond to what I just said with the question “Do you think friendship is not part of marriage?” and I would answer that yes I believe friendship is a part of marriage. But there are different kinds of friendship – there is friendship between equals, like two men or two women being friends. And then there are friendships between authorities and those under them. The Bible speaks of this kind of friendship between those who are not equals in James 2:23 where the Bible says “And the scripture was fulfilled which saith, Abraham believed God, and it was imputed unto him for righteousness: and he was called the Friend of God.”.

God refers to a woman as the companion of her husband (Malachi 2:14), but it never refers to her as his equal. Instead, the Bible makes clear that the husband is head (Ephesians 5:23) and master (1 Peter 3:6) of his wife. Therefore the friendship between a husband and wife will be and should be very different than a friendship between say two men or two women.

The Bible does encourage Christians to keep themselves accountable to other Christians in James 5:16 where the it says “Confess your faults one to another, and pray one for another, that ye may be healed. The effectual fervent prayer of a righteous man availeth much”.

So, the question is not whether husbands should keep themselves accountable, because they absolutely should.  The question is whether husbands should keep themselves accountable to their wives.   And the answer to this question is absolutely NOT.

Christian husbands should find other godly Christian men to keep themselves accountable with but certainly not their wives. 

The reason husbands should not allow their wives to be their accountability partners is because such an arrangement breaks the model of marriage that God has designed. God did not design marriage as a partnership, but rather he designed it as a patriarchy.  God designed marriage to model the relationship between God and his people and Christ and his church.  Is Christ subject to his church or his church subject to Christ? We know the answer from the Scriptures (See Ephesians 5:24).

Wives however, are accountable to their husbands as the church is accountable to Christ and it is also good for women to find other godly women to keep themselves accountable with as well (see Titus 2:3-5).

Am I Saying Husbands and Wives Should Not Communicate At All?

Affirming the Biblical the truth that a husband making himself morally accountable to his wife breaks the model of the headship of Christ over his church does not mean that husbands should not communicate with their wives about their daily lives. Husbands should try to communicate their work schedules with their wives so that their wives can plan meals and other family events around the husband’s work. And while a husband does not have to reveal the complete family financial picture to his wife, he should communicate on a regular basis how much money the wife has to work with as she manages the domestic needs of the home. Husbands and wives also need to talk about things going on with their children.

And a husband must remember that while he is not morally accountable to his wife, she is in fact morally accountable to him. And that requires him to communicate with her on a regular basis to hear what she has been doing in her daily life.

Am I Saying Husbands Should Not Ask Their Wives For Forgiveness When They Sin Against Them?

If I had a dime for every time a woman wrote me with the comment “You know husbands are sinners too!” I would be a rich man. Of course husbands are sinners. The Bible says in Romans 3:23 “For all have sinned, and come short of the glory of God” and that “all” includes both men and women. The only person to ever walk this earth and be sinless was Jesus Christ.

But to you ladies who always write me that husbands are sinners too, do you not realize that God knew that when he told women in Ephesians 5:23-24 “For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the saviour of the body. Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing”.

God was saying to wives – “I know your husband is sinner just like you, but I want you to submit to him anyway. I want you to model the submission of the Church to Christ toward your husband, even though your husband is not sinless like Christ”.

I say all that to acknowledge the fact that yes husbands will sometimes sin against their wives. And when they sin against their wife, they need to ask God and their wife for forgiveness. A husband does not ask his wife for forgiveness of a sin against her because he is morally accountable to her, but rather he asks her for forgiveness because he is morally accountable to God and God wants him to seek the forgiveness of those he has sinned against.

In 1 Peter 3:7 the Bible says a man’s prayers may be hindered because of his mistreatment his wife and in Luke 17:3-4, Christ encouraged Christians to repent of their sins toward one another and for the offended party to receive that repentance and forgive the person for their offense.

Your Husband Does Not Have To Ask Your Forgiveness For Sins Not Directly Against You

Many Christian wives today see themselves as their husband’s priestess whom he must come to and confess his daily transgressions. Ladies you are not your husband’s confessor! Your husband must confess all his sins to God and only those sins to you which are directly against you. And yes if he has a male accountability partner, he may confess his sins to them, but he is not asking them for forgiveness but rather keeping them informed so they can pray for him and so he can receive encouragement to do better.

Just Because You Think It Is Sin, Does Not Make It Sin

A lot of wives today try to turn everything they think their husband does wrong into a sin against them. Whether it be things he does that they think she shouldn’t do, or things he does not do that they think he should – wives have a bad habit of assembling lists of sins in their minds that they think their husbands are committing.

Ladies listen up and listen good. You are not the spiritual authority of your home. You do not determine what is and is not sin. But rather it is God and the human spiritual head God has appointed over you, your husband, that determine what is sin in your home. Let me clarify that last part so it cannot be twisted. I am not saying that if your husband commands you to murder someone or have a threesome of with one of his guy friends from work that he can say those things are not sin and you must do it. Nor am I saying he may not actually be committing sin when you think he is.

But when I say that your husband does determine what is and is not sin in your home I mean that God has appointed him the spiritual interpreter and applier of the Scriptures for you as his wife. In 1 Corinthians 14:35 the Bible says of wives “And if they will learn any thing, let them ask their husbands at home”.

That means if the Bible does not directly speak to something, but your husband applies Scriptural principles and determines a rule against or allowance for an activity – his rule for you is law. And if you break the law of your husband, you break the law of God.

Wives the conclusion of the matter is this – butt of his business and leave your husband to God.

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