Biblical Marriage

Why you should’nt Always Be Kind To Your Wife

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Most people, including most Christians, would be furious at the very idea that there are times that a man should NOT be kind to his wife. And this is because despite living in the Information Age, people in America and the rest of Western Civilization are woefully ignorant of concepts our ancestors understood well.

What is also sad is how many people will simply read the title of this post and not read past the first paragraph to have their preconceptions about kindness challenged. But if you are a person who is strong enough emotionally and spiritually to have your beliefs challenged, then I encourage you to keep reading.

The Bible commands all Christians to “be ye kind one to another” (Eph 4:32) and it specifically tells husbands to “render unto the wife due benevolence” (1 Cor 7:3) and “benevolence” translates the Greek word for kindness.

Kindness Is Not the Only Duty of a Husband

Men have a God-given duty to be kind to their wives.

However, a man’s duty to be kind to his wife is only one of many duties God has given him. And the Scriptures never present a man’s duty to be kind (pleasing) to his wife as what should be the driving force in his life.

Men also have the God-given duties to rule over (exercise control over) their wives as well as lead, provide for, protect, teach, rebuke and discipline their wives.
(Gen 3:16, Eph 5:23-29, 1 Cor 14:35, Rev 3:19)

Men also have the God-given duties to provide for, protect, teach, rebuke and discipline their children.
(Deut 6:6–7, Prov 13:22, Eph 6:4, Heb 12:7-11)

Men are not just called to work to provide for their wives and children, but they are called to be diligent in their work, increasing their skills and making their mark on the world through their life’s work.
(Psa 104:23, Prov 27:23, Ecc 9:10, Col 3:23)

Men have a God-given duty to “use” (Rom 1:27) their wives to “satisfy” (Prov 5:19) all their sexual desires in order “to avoid fornication” (1 Cor 7:2).

When Should A Man Be Unkind (aka displeasing) to His Wife?

A man’s actions, whether it be what career he chooses, how many hours he works, his rules for the children, his rules for his wife and what he desires from her sexually may not always be pleasing to her.

There are going to be times when a wife will not like her husband’s job or the hours he has to work at his job.  She may even be angry or hurt by the kind of work he is doing.  But each man must choose his own path when it comes to his career.  His wife cannot choose for him.

Should men seek career advice? Absolutely! But men should seek advice in these matters from other elder men with experience in the careers they seek to enter.  Their choice to enter a career should not be based on the emotional whims of their wife.

On the issue of rules and discipline for the children.  Should a man include his wife’s advice? Yes.  Especially when the children are younger as women are gifted with greater insight into how to handle small children.   Does this mean he cannot consult others as well or even his own father and mother as to how to handle things with his children? No. He absolutely can and should consult with other elder wise people.  

In other words, a wife must understand that when it comes to how her husband will make rules and policies for their children, she is but one voice in that discussion.  A very important voice to be sure, but certainly not the only voice.

Should a husband seek to please his wife in the marital bed? The answer is sometimes, but not all time.  If a man seeks to always have sex when and how his wife likes to have sex then he will inevitably be left unsatisfied sexually which will cause him to be far more tempted to commit fornication.  This is why the Bible commands men to use their wives to satisfy all their sexual desires so that they will be less tempted to commit fornication.

In other words, for a man to fully use his wife to satisfy his sexual desires as God commands, he may need to have sex with her at times and in ways which are displeasing (unkind) to her.  And there is no sin in this because God does not require that a man be kind(pleasing) to his wife in all things and at all times, not even in the sexual arena.

And for those who claim that “sex is not a need, it is only a want”.  The Bible shows that sex is a need for both women and men.  The Bible commands both husbands and wives not to deny sex to each other (1 Cor 7:3-4).   The Bible also compares a woman’s need for sex to that of her need for food and clothing (Ex 21:10-11)  and it compares a man’s need for sex to the human need for water (Prov 5:15).  What do humans need more often – food or water?  The answer is water.  And the Bible in using these different comparisons shows that men need sex much more often then women do.

Not only do men need sex more often than women, but they also need to be “ravished” (Prov 5:19) by their wives.  This literally has the idea of a man being sexually intoxicated by his wife.  And what makes a woman sexually intoxicating to a man? It is him knowing he can have her anytime and any way in which he so chooses.  It is her acting desirous to have sex with him in the ways which please him most. 

A woman who only has sex with her husband on her terms (when and how she wants it) will fail to ravish her husband.  This may bring some satisfaction for the husband, but it will never bring sexual intoxication or total satisfaction.

My point here is that whether it is the husband having to correct his wife for something she said or did wrong or him making a family decision she does not agree with or him having sex with her at a time or in a way she does not like – a man will sometimes have to act in an unkind (displeasing) way toward his wife to fulfill his other duties in this life.

When Should A Man Be Kind To His Wife?

Now that I demonstrated that a man’s duty to be kind to his wife is one of just many duties we are left with this question – How can a man fulfill his God-given duty to please his wife without compromising his other duties?

The answer to the question above is found in another question that a man must continually ask himself on a daily basis: “Will this act of pleasing my wife cause me to fail in any of my other duties?”

Often times the answer to this question will be “no” – that it a man pleasing his wife does not conflict with his other duties.  And men should certainly seek out ways in which they can be kind (pleasing) to their wives. 

But in their efforts to be pleasing to their wives, husbands must never loose sight of all the other duties God has given them in this life.   God did not create man to please his wife, but rather God created man to glorify God by imaging him with his life (1 Cor 11:7).

Can a Man’s Duties Sometimes Conflict?

Yes. 

Sometimes one duty a man has will trump another temporarily.

For instance, a man’s duty to be diligent in his work and to use his wife to satisfy his sexual desires may sometimes be trumped by his duty to care for his wife when she has serious health issues.

Still other times a man’s work will take him far away from home for a period causing him to not be able to fulfill his duty to give himself in the marital bed to his wife and to be present for his children.  

This is the balancing act that God has given to each man to perform in his life.

Does 1 Corinthians 5 tell Christians They Shouldn’t Tolerate Any Abuse From Anyone?

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Some Christians claim that “The Bible tells believers to avoid abusers and to expel the wicked from among us”.  But the does the Bible actually say this?

In response to my article “Why God Wants You to STAY in an Abusive Relationship” one of my readers wrote the following:

“The Bible tells believers to avoid abusers and to expel the wicked from among us.

1 Corinthians 5:13

1 Corinthians 5:9-11

It is false teaching to tell people to take unnecessary and wrongful abuse.

It is enabling sin.”

A quick glance at 1 Corinthians chapter 5 shows us that the entire context of the chapter is speaking to church discipline, not marital or even parent-child relationships.

1 Corinthians 5:1-4 (KJV) starts off as follows:

1 It is reported commonly that there is fornication among you, and such fornication as is not so much as named among the Gentiles, that one should have his father’s wife. 2 And ye are puffed up, and have not rather mourned, that he that hath done this deed might be taken away from among you.

3 For I verily, as absent in body, but present in spirit, have judged already, as though I were present, concerning him that hath so done this deed, 4 In the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, when ye are gathered together, and my spirit, with the power of our Lord Jesus Christ, 5 To deliver such an one unto Satan for the destruction of the flesh, that the spirit may be saved in the day of the Lord Jesus.”

The phrase “when ye are gathered together” is an unmistakable reference to the assembled church.  This entire chapter has to do with church discipline – not marriage.

Now can a church expel from their membership a man who has truly abused his wife? Absolutely they can. But they should be careful in defining what kinds of abuse allow for expulsion.   

For instance, if a woman came to her pastor and said “My husband calls me a bitch a lot – please expel him for verbally abusing me” – should the pastor expel her husband for that offense? The answer is no.

Instead, the Pastor should ask the wife “Have you ever called your husband a jerk?”  To which if she is being honest, she will probably answer “Yes”.  And then the Pastor should say “Then I must expel you by the same standard you want me to expel your husband”.

My point is when we understand that abuse means to mistreat someone in one way or another we need to be careful of saying the church should expel people for abusing their spouses.  Because the truth is, we all abuse our spouses even if it is calling them a name when we get angry or frustrated from time to time.

This is why the church must be clear that they will only expel men or women for SERIOUS abuse as opposed to common everyday abuses that husbands and wives may commit against one another.

Abuse that rises to the level of causing permanent, serious or life-threatening bodily injury could justify church discipline against the perpetrator.  Also abuse that breaks the marriage covenant such as a man failing to provide food and clothing or him withholding sex from his wife could justify church discipline toward such a man.  In addition, a church could expel a woman who breaks her marriage covenant by systematically refusing to have sex with her husband or because she has had sex with other men.

The Bible is crystal clear that those under the authority of masters SHOULD tolerate abuse from their masters.  And even sometimes we are called to tolerate abuse from our other authorities for the glory of the Gospel.

1 Peter 2:18-22 & 3:1-2 & 5-6 states the following:

“18 Servants, be subject to your masters with all fear; not only to the good and gentle, but also to the froward. 

19 For this is thankworthy, if a man for conscience toward God endure grief, suffering wrongfully.

20 For what glory is it, if, when ye be buffeted for your faults, ye shall take it patiently? but if, when ye do well, and suffer for it, ye take it patiently, this is acceptable with God.

21 For even hereunto were ye called: because Christ also suffered for us, leaving us an example, that ye should follow his steps:

22 Who did no sin, neither was guile found in his mouth: 23 Who, when he was reviled, reviled not again; when he suffered, he threatened not; but committed himself to him that judgeth righteously…

1 Likewise, ye wives, be in subjection to your own husbands; that, if any obey not the word, they also may without the word be won by the conversation of the wives; 2 While they behold your chaste conversation coupled with fear…

5 For after this manner in the old time the holy women also, who trusted in God, adorned themselves, being in subjection unto their own husbands: 6 Even as Sara obeyed Abraham, calling him lord: whose daughters ye are, as long as ye do well, and are not afraid with any amazement.”

The Scriptures are clear that those who are under masters are called by God to tolerate abuse – cruelty and unjust treatment at the hands of those masters.  And the Bible is clear that women are to regard their husbands as their masters.  Therefore, women MUST tolerate abuse from their husbands and in doing so they emulate Christ.

Is it right for men to abuse their wives in big ways or even in small ways? Of course not!

1 Peter 3:7 (KJV) says the following:

“Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honour unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered.”

God does not want men to mistreat their wives in any way. But in the beginning of this same chapter God acknowledges the reality that men, like women are sinners. And that men will mistreat (aka abuse) their wives, sometimes in small ways and sometimes in serious ways.

Must women tolerate all forms of abuse from their husbands? No.  Because the Bible also says in Exodus 21:26-27 that those under masters may be freed from their masters if their masters cause them serious and permanent bodily harm.

But there is no Biblical allowance for a woman (or man) to leave their spouse because of verbal or emotional abuse or even non-serious physical abuse such as slapping or leaving bruises.  

How Should Wives Respond to Their Husband’s Abuse?

The answer to how wives should respond to their abusive husbands is found in a passage we already cited above from 1 Peter 3:1-2:

“Likewise, ye wives, be in subjection to your own husbands; that, if any obey not the word, they also may without the word be won by the conversation of the wives;  While they behold your chaste conversation coupled with fear.”

First, it must be pointed out that in the old English of the KJV “conversation” meant “behavior”. God calls women to attempt to win their abusive husbands back to God, not with their words, but with their behavior toward their husbands. Wives are called to win their husbands by continuing to submit to and revere (fear) their husbands despite their sinful behavior.

How Should Men Respond to Their Wife’s Abuse?

The Bible is not a gender neutral book no matter how hard some Christians try to make it today. God calls for different duties and different responses from people depending upon their gender.

Just as parents are responsible to discipline their children for their wrong behavior, so too husbands are called to discipline their wives for their sinful behavior – whether that behavior is directed at them personally as the husband or toward others.

Unlike wives who are called to win their husbands without a word, husbands are called to wash their wives with the Word of God in Ephesians 5:25-27 (KJV):

“25 Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it; 26 That he might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word, 27 That he might present it to himself a glorious church, not having spot, or wrinkle, or any such thing; but that it should be holy and without blemish.”

The husband’s call to love his wife as Christ loves his church is not limited to him washing her with the Word, but also extends to him rebuking and disciplining his wife as Christ does his churches in Revelation 3:19 (KJV):

“As many as I love, I rebuke and chasten: be zealous therefore, and repent.”

To learn more about how the Bible says we should handle abuse and also the historical and biblically based practice of wife discipline see my podcasts below.

The Biblical Case For Domestic Discipline
A Husband’s Guide to Implementing Christian Domestic Discipline
Why God Wants You To Stay In An Abusive Marriage

Should I Start Spanking My 40 Year Old Wife?

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“Should I start spanking my 40-year-old wife”? This is a question that I was recently asked by a Baptist preacher from Oregon named Robert.

Critics of the historic and Christian practice of wife-spanking often ask “Where does the Bible specifically command men to spank their wives?”. And sometimes I answer their question with another question – “‘Where does the Bible specifically command men not to mistreat their wives?”

Immediately they will respond with “Ephesians 5:25 says husbands should love their wives as Christ loves his church – and Christ would not mistreat his church.” To which I say Amen!

So we all agree as Christians that the standard for a husband’s treatment of his wife is how Christ treats his church right? 

In Revelation 3:19, Christ after rebuking his churches said the following to them:

“As many as I love, I rebuke and chasten: be zealous therefore, and repent.”

Christ rebukes and chastens (disciplines) his wife, the church. And since husbands are called to emulate all the facets of Christ’s love for his church, this would require that husbands are also to discipline their wives out of love for their wives.

In most cases throughout the Bible chastening refers to physical, corporal punishment. And contrary to our modern thinking, physical discipline was not reserved only for children in the Bible. It was also used with adults as well. In other words, a man is not treating his wife as a child when he spanks her – but he is in fact treating her as his wife.

And speaking of children and discipline, one of the most glaring inconsistencies among conservative Christian critics of wife-spanking is their full acceptance of fathers spanking their daughters as children but their rejection of husbands spanking their wives as adults. How it is ok to spank a little girl, but not a grown woman? Is a grown woman weaker or stronger than a little girl? Does a woman’s bottom grow weaker and more frail when she becomes an adult?

The truth is that those oppose the spanking of wives cannot base their opposition on the fact that this may hurt the wife because to do so would undermine the corporal discipline of children which most conservative Christians support. The entire basis of their opposition to wife spanking is that it is somehow dishonorable to a wife for her husband to spank her. 

In other words, it hurt’s a woman’s pride for a her husband to spank her.

But where do the Scriptures exempt women from the corporal discipline we see that men and children receive in the Bible? Where does the Bible say corporal discipline dishonors a woman? The answer is that we see no such exemption for women in the Bible.

Some critics of wife-spanking complain that we must have a specific instance of a woman being physically disciplined by her husband in the Bible to justify a husband spanking his wife. But we do not need specific examples of behaviors to justify behaviors. As long as a behavior does not violate any biblical principle or command then it is acceptable before God.

The burden of proof is on those who oppose wife-spanking to prove that the Bible forbids it, not those who choose to implement it based upon Biblical principles.

One final thought on the discipline of wives before we move on to Robert’s story and his questions. The fact that chastening is most often physical in the Bible does not require that men MUST physically discipline their wives. But it certainly provides a good example of how discipline can be implemented. And the truth is, despite humanist studies to the contrary, physical discipline is far more effective and leads to faster changes in behavior for both adults and children.

And now let’s move on to Robert’s story and his questions.

Robert’s Story

“I discovered your blog in August, and in the months following have become quite a fan. I am 45 years old, married to my 40-year-old wife who I’ll refer to as “M” in this email, with six children, all of whom we homeschool. I am a pastor at an Independent Fundamental Baptist church in Oregon.

I love M very deeply and believe that she is a very godly wife and mother. She is extremely devoted to serving God and to raising and educating our children in His word. She is generally respectful of my authority and accepting of her role. M has more contempt for the feminist movement than any other modern woman I have ever known, which I greatly admire. However, as with anyone there is always room for improvement, and on occasion we do run into conflicts.

My wife and I regularly use spanking as punishment for our children, usually with a paddle. I used to find the idea of a husband spanking his wife as a consequence horrifying, but over the last couple of years my views have shifted more in line with yours, that it is his right and his duty. I have not told my wife about my change in views or my following of your blog, or made any attempt to physically discipline her. On the occasions in which we have run into conflict or she has sinned, I have felt a very serious temptation to just grab her up and spank her, which would be very easy as she is a lot smaller than I am.

I’m of the strong belief that exercising this authority (physically disciplining M) would be a positive for our family and marriage, and is a responsibility of mine; but have felt awkward/nervous about bringing it up with her. I’m really not sure how she’d react. And as with any woman, I worry there’s a chance suggesting this might REALLY make her mad and cause possibly ongoing trouble for our relationship.

I fear that even if she was okay with the idea of getting spankings, that it would be hard to keep secret from our kids and her family. My in-laws (especially my mother-in-law) are already hostile to my religious faith and distrusting of me, and I know that if they found out something like this was going on in our marriage, they would lose their minds. Thankfully they live a ways away from here, but our kids take an annual trip to stay at their grandma’s each year and I fear that if any of my kids found out, one way or another it wouldn’t stay a secret to her family.

Do you have any advice on how I should approach this topic with M in a manner that is sensitive and minimizes the risk of freaking her out or offending her? And any advice on how to approach the topic with our children (or anyone else who finds out by accident) if it does ever get to that point?”

My Response to Robert

In my two podcasts on BGRLearning.com – “A Husband’s Guide to Implementing Christian Domestic Discipline” and “Husbands Questions About CDD Answered” I talk about the fact that women past their mid-20s often will not accept physical discipline (aka wife-spanking).  The reason is that all human beings, both men and women, are far more moldable in their behavior and thinking in their late-teens and early 20s because the human brain does not finish developing until about 25.

And this is exactly why secularists (and sadly even many professing Christians) hate the idea of children being homeschooled and why they hate young marriage for women in their late teens.  Because in these separated Christian homes – young women can be molded to fully accept male domination in their lives first via their fathers and later by their husbands.  And humanists detest any person being conditioned to be controlled by others – this is one of the greatest sins in humanism.

I say all that to say that it will be difficult, by the simple fact of your wife’s age, for you to implement wife-spanking with her. 

Also, it is not just age that is huge factor in a woman being receptive to wife spanking, but it is also their temperament and how they were raised.  If she was raised with her father spanking her well into her teens then you might have a greater chance of success than if her father never spanked her or if he stopped spanking her before her teen years.

Another question you have to ask yourself is “Has my wife ever threatened to call the cops if I laid a hand on her?” or has she given you any indication that she buys into the modern narrative that a woman can never be forced to do anything against her will by her husband?

If after considering all these factors I have raised, you still believe your wife would be a good candidate to try wife-spanking with – then I would suggest you listen to my podcasts below where I give detailed instructions as to how you can begin to implement wife-spanking in your marriage.  It is not something you just do; you must first lay a new spiritual foundation in your wife’s mind that will help to make her more receptive to CDD.

My podcasts on CDD will not only answer the most common questions about how to get started with CDD, but they also will raise and answer many questions you would not think of until after you start implementing domestic discipline.

A Husband’s Guide to Implementing Christian Domestic Discipline
Husbands Questions About CDD Answered
The Biblical Case For Domestic Discipline

A Christian Couple’s Acceptance of Biblical Polygamy

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What follows is an email I received from a Christian couple who wrote me informing how the articles on my site about God’s blessing and allowance for polygyny have helped confirm for this couple that the husband should try to implement polygyny .

Now some at first may find it strange that the email is written from the wife explaining the journey that she and her husband have taken.

But let me point out a couple of things. It is not uncommon for for a wife to better at writing and putting into words the things that her and her husband have gone through and there is nothing wrong with that as long she maintains respect for his position as her head.

Second – as you will read in the story, she was involved with encouraging her husband to choose a particular young woman. Again – there is no sin in this as the Bible actually shows a wife doing this.

When most people of think of a wife giving her husband another woman, they think of Sarah giving Hagar to Abraham and then try to talk about how badly that turned out. Let me just point out that nothing in the story of Abraham, Sarah and Hagar shows that it was a sin for Sarah to give Hagar to Abraham or for him to accept Hagar. The problem was in Sarah’s lack of faith that God would fulfill his promise to give Abraham an heir through her womb, not the womb of another woman.

However, most people are woefully ignorant of another woman who gave her husband another wife and was blessed by God for doing.

Jacob, the grandson of Abraham, had two wives – Leah and Rachel. And when Leah stopped having children, she gave her maid to her husband to continue having her children for him in her stead. And the Bible says this of her in Genesis 30:18:

“And Leah said, God hath given me my hire, because I have given my maiden to my husband: and she called his name Issachar.”

My point is there is nothing wrong with a Christian wife not only coming to a fully acceptance of her husband’s right to practice polygyny – but also her actively encouraging him to do it and pointing out potential additional women that he might pursue for marriage.

With that said an introduction – below is the email I received from Robert and his wife Sarah and it is written by Sarah.

Robert and Sarah’s Story

Our names are Robert and Sarah, we are fellow followers of Christ from Ohio.  We have two baby boys, two years old and one year old. We have been following your work for 2 years now and have experienced much fruit in our marriage from applying BGR. We are writing to you today specifically about the subject of polygamy (more specifically polygyny) to seek some of your advice.

 We have also been studying this subject of polygamy as a couple for 2 years now by reading your articles, studying in God’s word for ourselves, and seeking His will in prayer. We became interested in the subject right around the time of the birth of our first daughter who is 2 years old now.

Rob has been saying that raising children just seems like more than a one-person job, and I have been deeply desiring but missing the companionship of another female relationship in my life. I have been hurt over and over again by other women who have just not been able to commit to a true and lasting friendship with me because of prioritizing their family life. However, I was initially totally closed minded to the idea of polygyny and was disgusted by the idea to the point of wanting to divorce Rob should he ever act on it because I was considering it a form of adultery and unfaithfulness to me.

And so, we wanted to foremost share our testimony with you of how God completely changed my heart 180 degrees to not only accepting polygamy as part of God’s design and not a sin to actually being open to it as a prospective for our life. It is something I truly wrestled with these past 2 years and it made me feel un-valued as a woman and un-loved by God; I was confused by why God even created woman and felt like God hated me because I am a woman. 

My relationship with God was strained and our relationship as a couple held a great deal of tension. Once I was able to actually take it to God in prayer with an open heart and willingness to accept His divine will over my own is when God worked.  And now I have a great sense of peace about polygamy, my barriers to my relationship with God have been torn down and our marriage has become stronger than ever now that we finally see eye to eye on this one subject. 

 I am in awe at how God has opened my eyes on this one subject and I can now see that women are very loved by God and are actually more honored when placed in our God -given roles of service to men and that by woman glorifying man, man can properly glorify God and instead of feeling un-valued because of it I now feel a joy to take part in God’s design. My understanding on the Old Testament has become so much clearer and I feel as though I can finally connect all the dots between the God of the OT and the God of the NT and realize that God is truly the same yesterday, today, and tomorrow; He is the same God, and He does not change with the culture.

            With this incredible testimony as the backdrop, we wanted to share with you how we acted on our new biblical view of polygyny. We believe God spoke to us simultaneously but separately from each other about a specific woman in our life as being a perfect wife for Robert and female companion for myself. This person came to our minds several times over the course of a couple months and we had multiple conversations about her as a couple where we felt God’s presence with us in a powerful way and experienced an incredible amount of peace and overwhelming excitement and joy. It became obvious that this was someone we should pursue but didn’t know how.

After another length of time, it became clear that the route to pursue this girl was for Robert to respectfully go and talk to her father and ask permission to seek her hand in marriage, and this decision was confirmed by another incredible sense of peace from the holy spirit for both of us. It took a great deal of courage for Robert but this is exactly what he did and it has led us to where we are now.  The girl’s father who is a Christian and a longtime friend of ours, was very offended by the idea and slammed the door in our faces. He initially agreed to sit down with both of us to hear us out as a couple on how we came to our belief on polygamy and why we thought of his daughter specifically, but he could not guarantee that his wife would do the same. She reached out to me separately and invited me over for tea to discuss the matter. She appeared to listen really well and calmly, we prayed together and talked for hours.

The conversation was left at again wanting to sit down with both couples to open God’s word together and continue the conversation before drawing a definitive yes or no. But after I talked to his wife about it, the father has now taken back his word to hear us together as a couple. They told us that they made up their mind that the answer is a dead no and now they are saying that they need to separate their family from us. And further more they decided to tell their daughter about Rob’s request as a way of explaining to her why our families need to be separated from each other. This has caused a great deal of hurt, feelings of betrayal and has left us shunned with no way to seek reconciliation.

To complicate things more, this has had a huge devastating effect on our church group. With the exception of one person who did actually come to us with love and patience to hear us out, no one else has and we have experienced an unprecedented amount of rejection, shaming, anger, and hatred. The news of what Robert did have been distorted and by way of gossip has spread around all of our circles of closest family and friends like wildfire. We are still receiving hate-filled phone calls on a regular basis from people who are eager to call Rob horrible names like “pervert” and “cult leader” and then proceed to shun us from their lives completely without allowing us to get one word in.

We don’t have anyone to seek advice from around here who we feel can be trusted and is safe to talk to. We also feel as though all the churches and pastors around here have been infiltrated by the world’s cultural view (which is why we started a home church in the first place) and have adapted an unbiblical lens on the subject of polygamy.

Is there anyone my husband can talk with that would be able to give us practical and real-world advice on how he can go about finding an additional wife?

Sincerely,

Robert and Sarah

My Response to Robert and Sarah

First – thank you for that powerful testimony of how accepting the truth of God’s Word on the subject of polygamy transformed your view of marriage and sexuality in marriage. 

A lot of people ask me why I teach in so much detail about polygamy (polygyny) with our culture being so harshly opposed to the idea – and I tell them first and foremost because it is the truth of God’s Word, his allowance for polygyny. 

And secondly even if a man chooses not to exercise it – it will help him and his wife to better understand his masculine nature as God designed it.

As to Rob’s attempt to exercise polygyny – I am not shocked at the response you got.  That is the normal response in 90 percent of cases.  Again, we have a HUGE cultural hatred of the concept polygyny.  And yes, our culture only associates polygamy with cults and that is why they wrongly called Rob a cult leader.

While I teach a great deal on the Biblical principles allowing for polygamy and how acceptance of a man’s polygynous sexual nature can bless even a monogamous marriage, I will admit I don’t have a lot of firsthand knowledge of how to implement polygamy since I do not practice it myself.  But I do know of a Christian website dedicated to helping men implement polygynous marriages. 

It is https://biblicalfamilies.org/

You may want to contact them and get on their forum to find out about meeting Christian women interested in polygynous marriage.

How To Deal With An Argumentative Wife

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Every time a woman argues with her husband she sins against God.  Period. 

1 Peter 3:1-2 (NASB) shows us that it is sinful for a woman to argue with her husband:

“In the same way, you wives, be subject to your own husbands so that even if any of them are disobedient to the word, they may be won over without a word by the behavior of their wives, as they observe your pure and respectful behavior.”

But women, like men, are sinful creatures. The question is, how should a husband handle it when his wife engages in the sin of arguing with him?

Biblical Ways To Deal With Your Wife’s Argumentativeness

In the Bible, God demonstrated how he dealt with his rebellious wife Israel and how Christ dealt with sin in his churches. He also gives advice to men in the book of Proverbs for how to deal with a contentious wife.

In Proverbs 21:9 (KJV) the Bible says “It is better to dwell in a corner of the housetop, than with a brawling woman in a wide house”. 

Sometimes a husband may choose to take a drive or go to his mancave when his wife is being contentious with him.

In Isaiah 59:2 (KJV) God said to his wife, Israel, “But your iniquities have separated between you and your God, and your sins have hid his face from you, that he will not hear”. 

Sometimes a husband may choose to emulate God’s treatment of his rebellious wife Israel and give his wife the silent treatment when she has been argumentative with him.

In Revelation 3:19 (KJV), Christ said to his churches after rebuking them “As many as I love, I rebuke and chasten: be zealous therefore, and repent”. 

Sometimes rather than walking away from his argumentative wife, a man may choose too emulate Christ’s rebuke and chastisement of his churches and choose to rebuke and chastise his wife.

God says in Ephesians 5:28-29 (KJV) that men must provide for the needs of their wives.

But that doesn’t mean she is entitled to eat at her favorite restaurants or buy the latest fashions in clothing or an have open credit line.  These things can be removed as an act of chastisement.

How can a husband know which action to take in the face of his wife’s argumentativeness?

The answer comes down to how she receives discipline from her husband. Does she accept his right to rebuke and chastise her? Or does she resist and deny his rights as husband?

If a wife is submissive to her husband’s rebuke and chastisement, whether it be CDD or other non-physical means of discipline, then he should use those means as he sees fit.

However, if a man has a wife who completely rejects his right to rebuke and chastise her and if she will not cease her contentions with him, then the best course of action is for him to follow the advice of Proverbs 21:9 and remove himself from her presence.  

To find out more about non-physical and physical discipline from a Biblical perspective listen to my podcast series below on these subjects.

How to Discipline Your Wife As Christ Does His Church
The Biblical Case For Domestic Discipline
A Husband’s Guide to Implementing Christian Domestic Discipline

Should Husbands Invite Their Wives to Criticize Them?

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Should a husband invite “critical feedback” from his wife as to how she would rate him as a man, a husband and a father? Specifically, should he invite her to point out areas where she thinks he may be going wrong as a man, a husband and a father and where he needs to improve?

This is what Brian Sauvé, Pastor of Refuge Church in Ogden, Utah recommends that husbands do with their wives.

Let me first say before I continue that like me, Brian Sauvé is a big proponent of Biblical Patriarchy.   And I agree with many things he writes.

In a Twitter post on January 2, 2023 Sauvé wrote the following:

“Men, your wife should have your explicit permission to give you critical feedback in private.

One of the most important aspects of successfully wielding authority is to make it easy to learn where you could improve.

A wise, respectful wife is a gift – don’t squander her help.”

Sauvé then went on to clarify these comments in one of his podcasts.  He compared wives being able to offer critical feedback to their husbands to church members being able to bring criticisms they have of elders and military officers bringing criticisms to their superior officers.

He also said that Pastors or elders of the church were like “referees” over the marriages in their churches and were there to call “call balls and strikes” between husbands and wives when they had marital issues and disagreements.

Sauvé qualified his recommendation that a wife should give “critical feedback” to their husband in private and in a respectful manner.

Should Men Invite Critical Feedback from Their Wives?

The Bible does not say in Proverbs 27:17 “Iron sharpeneth iron; so a wife sharpeneth the countenance of her husband.” It says men sharpen men.  And women are sharpened by fathers, husbands and other godly women.  Women are not called to shape and sharpen their husbands.

In his podcast on this subject, Sauvé gave examples of the ability of church members to be able to bring criticisms against elders and subordinate military officers to bring criticisms against their superior officers.   But marriage is a completely different kind of hierarchical relationship than those relationships he cites.

1 Peter 3:1-2 is crystal clear on how a wife should handle it when she feels her husband is being disobedient to God’s Word whether in their marriage or in other parts of his life.  She is to win him with her subjection and her pure behavior, not her “critical feedback”.

His suggestion in his podcast that if wives feel their husbands are not open to their “critical feedback” that they should bring it to their pastor to speak to the husband also violates 1 Peter 3:1-2.  The only thing wives should bring to their pastors is serious physical abuse.

The Scriptures never appoint Pastors or elders of the church as “referees” over the marriages in their churches to do as Sauvé says and “call balls and strikes”.  Only if it is a matter of gross sin (physical abuse or molestation of children) should a pastor step in and intercede in a marriage.

Should Christian men regularly meet with other godly men and share in their marriage issues and hear “critical feedback” from other men? Absolutely! We as men need that.   It helps us to be better husbands, fathers and men.

Am I saying women can’t give advice to their husbands?

Of course not.  Proverbs 31:26 says “She openeth her mouth with wisdom; and in her tongue is the law of kindness”.  We as men should welcome advice from our wives.  But advice is very different than correction.

Especially as it relates to the day-to-day issues with our children or the domestic affairs of the home, we as husbands should welcome advice from our wives.  We should welcome suggestions from our wives.

But the fact remains that 1 Peter 3:1-2 leaves absolutely no room for a wife to verbally correct her husband.  It does not say “criticize him sparingly” or “criticize him respectfully in private”.  A wife wins her husband with her actions, not her words.  This is the teaching of the Bible.

How Should Fatherless Women Approach Choosing a Husband?

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Women, not just wives, but women in general are made by God with a need for male headship. 

In 1 Corinthians 11:3 the Bible says “But I would have you know, that the head of every man is Christ; and the head of the woman is the man; and the head of Christ is God.” And this is why we are told in 1 Corinthians 11:5-6 & 10 that all women (without any qualification of whether they are married or single) are to wear a head covering when they come to church to worship. This is an acknowledgement not only of man’s higher rank, but of woman’s need for man’s leadership. For a much more detailed discussion on this subject of women wearing head coverings see my article “Why Christian Women Should Wear Head Coverings” which also includes a link to my three part podcast series on this same subject.

The Apostle Paul even speaks of younger widows getting into trouble without male headship in their lives. Before a woman got married, she was under her father’s headship. Her father could refuse to give her to a man in marriage or grant her hand in marriage (Exodus 22:17, Jeremiah 29:6). And her father could cancel any of her decisions or commitments (Numbers 30:5). And when a young woman became a widow – this left her without male headship – a precarious position for any woman, especially younger women. The Apostle Paul encouraged younger women to marry and be under the headship of their husbands in 1 Timothy 5:13-14:

“And withal they learn to be idle, wandering about from house to house; and not only idle, but tattlers also and busybodies, speaking things which they ought not. I will therefore that the younger women marry, bear children, guide the house, give none occasion to the adversary to speak reproachfully.”

The Scriptures are very clear on this point – young women should not be making major life decisions without male headship to guide them.

When a woman has no father or even if she has a father but he is unwillingly or unable to provide spiritual headship in her life, she must seek out a spiritual surrogate for her father, a spiritual man who can guide her.

Where should a woman look for a spiritual surrogate in place of her father? The first place to look is among her own male kin. Does she have a godly grand father or uncle she could go to? Some might ask “What about her brother?” If her brother is significantly older and experienced in life as well as being a spiritual man, he may be able to offer her this spiritual male headship.  If he is immature or unspiritual, he won’t be able to help her. 

What if a woman has no male relatives that she can look to for spiritual male headship? The next choice would be to seek out an elder man in her church, one who is trusted and respected like a deacon or the pastor.

Still there are some women who will say “My church does not believe in or teach Biblical patriarchy nor do they believe women need male spiritual headship to make these kinds of life decisions.  What do I do now?”

If a woman has no male relatives to provide her with spiritual male headship and the churches in her area deny the doctrines of biblical patriarchy in the Bible the only choice she is left with is to seek spiritual male headship remotely.

While seeking a godly man for male headship remotely, a woman should be careful to choose a true Biblical Patriarchist as many men who claim to be Biblical Patriarchists are actually Chivalrous Patriarchists or Complementarians. Ask a man if he believes the husband is the earthly lord of his wife (1 Pet 3:5-6) and if he believes husbands should discipline their wives (Rev 3:19).  If he answers no to either of those questions, he is not a true Biblical Patriarchist.

For more detailed guide for women in how to seeking a godly husband see my article “A Christian Young Woman’s Guide to Life and Finding A Husband in a Post-Feminist World” which also has a link to my podcast below:

A Christian Young Woman’s Guide to Life and Finding A Husband in a Post-Feminist World

Am I Enabling My Cheating Husband’s Sin by Staying with Him?

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Our modern Christian culture actually looks down on and shames women who believe they do not have a right to divorce their husbands for their whoremongering ways. The real shame is not on these women for honoring their marriage covenants, despite their husband’s sinful ways. The real shame is on our modern church for how wrongfully tell them they are “enabling their husband’s sin” by staying.


Recently I received a comment from a woman calling herself Sarah. She wrote this comment in reference to an older article I wrote “Does the Bible Allow Divorce for Adultery?”. And this was her comment:


“This article has given my great comfort. My husband is openly and unrepentantly committing adultery with a teenager in our town. It’s common knowledge that he has rented an apartment where he spends three nights a week with her.

Everyone is telling me to leave him, even my pastor and my conservative Christian family, quoting Matthew to show that Jesus would approve. They claim by not imposing consequences I’m enabling his sin.

This doesn’t seem right to me. I stood at the alter and promised to love honour and obey him in, sickness and in health, till death us do part. Well, open fornication with a teenager sure sounds like a sickness of the soul to me. I’m to do this not because his actions deserve it, but because he is my husband and I am to submit to his authority. It is painful. At times I feel absolutely crippled with jealousy. Especially grueling is submitting to him in the bedroom, knowing how he spent the previous night.

I feel powerless, and ugly, and old, and saggy, and pathetic. But here’s the thing: in this state it’s hard enough to find the strength to be his helpmeet and mother to our three children — WITHOUT also suffering the condemnation of the entire community (much of it behind my back) for not separating. So thank you so much for the validation that I’m behaving in a godly manner.”

My Response to Sarah and Other Women With Whoremongering Husbands

Sarah – first and foremost I am glad that you saw what God’s Word actually says in Matthew 5:32 and Matthew 19:9 and not what you wanted it to say. You saw that God only allows a man “to put away his WIFE” for fornication and that he makes no such allowance for women to put away their husbands for fornication.


Is your husband absolutely wrong in his actions of having an affair with this teenage girl? YES. But we need to be clear on something. He is not committing the sin of adultery; he is committing a different sin, but not the sin of adultery.


Our modern definition of adultery has been made gender-neutral to fit our cultural view that polygamy (or more specifically polygyny) is wrong. The fact is that God rewarded Leah with another child for giving her husband another wife in Genesis 30:18 and God expressly allows polygyny and set rules for its practice in Exodus 21:10-11, Deuteronomy 21:15-17, Deuteronomy 25:5-7. God even pictures himself as a polygamist husband to Judah and Israel in Ezekiel 23:1-5.


And God’s prohibition on bishops and deacons having more than one wife in 1 Timothy 3:2 & 12 is no different than his stricter marriage standards for priests in the Old Testament. For instance, in Ezekiel 44:22 priests were forbidden from marrying divorced women or widows (except widows of other priests) but these restrictions were not binding on the general population of men. So, the idea that because bishops and deacons – church officers – must be the husband of one wife, that all men must be the husband of one wife is absolutely false.


Not let me bring this back to our modern definition of adultery versus the Biblical definition adultery. Biblically speaking there is only one way that a man can commit adultery against his wife and it is not him having sex with another woman. The only way a man can commit adultery against his wife is by him wrongly divorcing her. This is exactly the situation that Christ is addressing.
But we have to assemble his statements together to see the full picture.


Matthew 19:3 gives us the full question that the Pharisees of asked of Christ – “The Pharisees also came unto him, tempting him, and saying unto him, Is it lawful for a man to put away his wife for every cause?” The key phrase being “for every cause”. In other words, they were asking “Can a man divorce his wife for any reason he chooses?” And Christ’s answer was NO.
He told them that if a man divorces his wife “except it be for fornication” that he “committeth adultery”.


And then in Mark 10:11 Christ said “…Whosoever shall put away his wife, and marry another, committeth adultery against her”.
Is Christ saying it is a sin for a man to marry another woman while he is still married? Some of have tried to twist this verse to say that to condemn polygamy. But God allowed polygamy and made no change on that in the New Testament – so we know he is not reversing his former allowance for polygamy. So, what is the sin in marrying another? It is him divorcing his wife to marry another. In other words, the woman he is seeking to marry is insisting on him divorcing his first wife. This scenario is seen in Malachi 2:14.


So if your husband is not committing adultery by having sex with other women then what sin is he committing – the answer is the sin of whoremongering. When a man has sex with women not his wife this is a sin against his own body and against God.


In 1 Corinthians 6:15 & 18 the Bible says “Know ye not that your bodies are the members of Christ? shall I then take the members of Christ, and make them the members of an harlot? God forbid… Flee fornication. Every sin that a man doeth is without the body; but he that committeth fornication sinneth against his own body”. And in Hebrews 13:4 the Bible says “Marriage is honourable in all, and the bed undefiled: but whoremongers and adulterers God will judge”.


Here is my point in all this. You must see your husband’s sin as it is. A sin against God and against his own body. God will judge your husband for his whoremongering, if not in this life, in the life to follow. And you must leave his sin to God and continue to do what is right as a wife.


If you can learn to frame your husband’s sin as the Bible does and not as your feelings as a woman lead you to, it will go a long way to helping you to be a better wife to your husband even as he remains in his sin. Your jealousy toward this other younger woman would disappear overnight if you realized that your husband’s sin is not in merely having sex with another woman, but that it is because he is unlawfully having sex with another woman. In Biblical times your husband could have legally married that teenage girl and taken her as another wife. You would be absolutely wrong and in sin to be jealous of your husband taking another younger wife. I would argue that your jealousy even now, is sin.

You do not own your husband; your husband owns you.


Many Christians falsely point to 1 Corinthians 7:2 to say that God gives husbands and wives equal ownership over one another. 1 Corinthians 7:2 states “Nevertheless, to avoid fornication, let every man have his own wife, and let every woman have her own husband”.


What most people do not realize is that there are two different Greek words for own in that passage. The first with the man is “heautou” which refers to exclusive ownership. The second Greek word with the woman in regard to her husband is “idios” and does not refer to exclusive ownership. It can actually refer to the one being owned.
Romans 14: states ““Who art thou that judgest another man’s servant? to his own [idios] master he standeth or falleth. Yea, he shall be holden up: for God is able to make him stand.”


And since we know that the husband is the master of the wife according to 1 Peter 3:5-6, then we know what 1 Corinthians 7:2 is saying. It is saying each man should own his wife as her master and each woman should be owned by a master (her husband). In no way does it limit a man to just one wife. It is saying he should have at least one wife if he does not have the gift of celibacy.

Conclusion

If your husband is committing the sin of whoremongering should it bother you as his wife? Certainly. Whenever we see someone else sin it should bother us. But it should not bother you based on feelings of jealousy. If your reason for being upset at your husband is “Why am I not enough for you? Why do you need this other woman?” that is the wrong reason to be upset.

In fact, you are actually taking up an offense against God and being upset at your husband’s God given polygynous sexual nature.
Your husband’s actions are not wrong because you as his wife are not enough for him sexually. Your husband’s actions are wrong because he is having sex with a woman outside of marriage and he is committing the sin of whoremongering against God. In other words, your husband has allowed his sin nature to corrupt his God given polygynous sexual nature into causing him to commit the sin of whoremongering.


Yes, his sin should bother you. But it should bother you because it is a sin against God. Now if he leaves you for this woman, then the sin does become against both you and God. But do not worry yourself over it until it actually happens.
And remember how 1 Peter 3:1-2 (NASB) says you as a wife should respond to your husband’s sin:

“In the same way, you wives, be subject to your own husbands so that even if any of them are disobedient to the word, they may be won over without a word by the behavior of their wives, as they observe your pure and respectful behavior.”

Win him with your submission and your pure and respectful behavior toward him. In other words, attempt to win him back to God with your actions, not with your words.
And part of your pure submissive, pure and reverent behavior toward him is you freely and willingly (without an attitude) giving yourself sexually to your husband and putting all thoughts of that other woman out of your mind. Rid yourself of your jealousy

and give it to God.

To listen to the companion podcast for this article click on the link below to go to BGRLearning.com.

Am I Enabling My Cheating Husband’s Sin by Staying with Him?

10 Things Every Christian Husband Must Unlearn

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Below are 10 things every Christian husband must “unlearn” that men are taught by our post-feminist culture in order to unleash and fully realize the masculine nature that God designed him with:

  1. You must unlearn thinking that it is impossible for a man to support his family on his own.
  2. You must unlearn thinking that is wrong for a man to exercise complete control over the finances in his home.
  3. You must unlearn thinking that that it is wrong for you to try to control your wife.
  4. You must unlearn thinking that that it is wrong for you to rebuke and discipline your wife.
  5. You must unlearn thinking that you must get permission from your wife for anything.
  6. You must unlearn thinking that is wrong for you to help your wife formulate her worldview, including her view of how the roles of husband and wife play out in marriage.
  7. You must unlearn thinking that it is selfish to want to mold your wife to your preferences, including but not limited to – having her cook the food you like, wearing the clothes you like and keeping her hair the way you like it.
  8. You must unlearn thinking that it is selfish to want to spend time away from your wife whether just in solitude by yourself or with other men.
  9. You must unlearn thinking that it is selfish for you to spend time and money on hobbies you enjoy as a man.
  10. You must unlearn thinking that it is selfish to want sex from your wife whenever and however you so desire it, even when she is not in the mood.

To learn more about how to unleash and fully realize your God given nature as a man go to my podcast site BGRLearning.com. There you can listen podcasts that will teach you straight out of the Bible what it means to be man and you can let God’s Word wash away your post-feminist cultural conditioning.

Modern Polygamy Dating Site

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A new dating site, ModernPolygamy.com, recently launched in February of 2022. It is not solely focused on Christian polygamy nor does it promote a Biblical patriarchal view of marriage. However, it could still be useful for Christians who believe that God never ended his Old Testament allowance for polygamy in the New Testament.

An Overview of ModernPolygamy.com

What follows is the overview I was given from one of the founders of ModernPolygamy.com:

“My wife and I started the site because we had been looking for years and feeling like there were no sites where we felt like we really had a realistic possibility of finding what we hoped for. In the end, we decided that if we truly wanted what we said we wanted then we were going to have to make a site to allow that to happen….for us and a lot of other people that were in the same boat.

After feeling that way for years, we finally decided to go ahead in 2021 and spent the next 8 months on development as everything is 100% custom from the ground up, front end and back. We launched the site in February of 2022.

We do our best to run a tight ship. The idea has always been for it to be the site we would want to join. That guided the design and architecture behind the scenes and continues to guide how we run the site.

We are not solely focused on Christian polygamy, and welcome those that come to this decision for their life by whatever path, but the site will remain firmly family focused both because that is what best serves our members and because that is the type of site we would want to join.

Aside from this different starting point, some key points to know about the site are:

Replying to messages is free (you can do this with a free account)
We have a ~50% rejection rate for new profiles. Pictures and actually writing something half decent is required.
If you have a Premium Membership and then cancel, you will still be able to keep talking with those you have messaged previously.

Premium Member benefits are:

Being able to send initial messages.
Appearing at the top of the search results.
Appearing in the “Recently Online” section of each member’s home page.
Being able to upload an introduction video.

We take privacy very seriously. Profiles and images can not be accessed by search engines. Your profile images are also time sensitive and URL’s will become invalid after 5 minutes.

Cancelation takes 2 clicks and is instant (a link is at the bottom of the Edit Profile page). And in case you are wondering, since it seems to be a thing now with a competing site, we don’t use message bots or fake activity. It is what it is, good or bad. Hopefully good.”

The Biblical Position on Polygamy

Before I give my review of ModernPolygamy.com, I want to give my readers a brief primer on polygamy from a Biblical perspective.

But before we can go to the Scriptures, we need to first define some terms. 

Polygamy refers to the practice of a one person having more than one spouse.  Typically, there are two forms of polygamy, one is polygyny where a man has multiple wives and the other is polyandry where a woman has multiple husbands.

The difference between polygamy and polyamory is that polygamy is gender specific with a group of women each being married to the same man (polygyny) or a group of men with each being married to the same woman (polyandry).  With Polyamory, everyone in the household essentially has intimate relations or is married to every one else. It is not gender specific.  So, in a polyamorous situation, you could have 3 men and 4 women being sexually intimate with each other.

Now that we understand the terms – we can look at what the Bible says about polygamy and polyamory.

The Bible says in 1 Corinthians 11:9 (KJV) that “Neither was the man created for the woman; but the woman for the man”.  The Bible also states the following in Romans 7:2-3 (KJV) about women in relation to marriage:

“For the woman which hath an husband is bound by the law to her husband so long as he liveth; but if the husband be dead, she is loosed from the law of her husband. So then if, while her husband liveth, she be married to another man, she shall be called an adulteress: but if her husband be dead, she is free from that law; so that she is no adulteress, though she be married to another man.”

In God’s design, woman was made for man, not man for woman.  And a woman can never be married to more than one man at time otherwise she is in violation of God’s law.  This makes polyandry (the practice of a woman having more than one husband) a perversion of God’s design for sex and marriage.

The Bible says the following in Romans 1:18-19 & 26-27 (KJV):

“For the wrath of God is revealed from heaven against all ungodliness and unrighteousness of men, who hold the truth in unrighteousness;  Because that which may be known of God is manifest in them; for God hath shewed it unto them…

For this cause God gave them up unto vile affections: for even their women did change the natural use into that which is against nature:  And likewise also the men, leaving the natural use of the woman, burned in their lust one toward another; men with men working that which is unseemly, and receiving in themselves that recompence of their error which was meet.”

In the passage above, the Bible calls sex “the natural use of the woman”.  When men use other men for their sexual pleasure or women abandon their design to be used by men for sexual pleasure and instead give themselves to other women to be used in this way – they violate God’s design for sex. 

Even beyond the sexual element, God meant marriage to picture the relationship between himself and his people.  In the Old Testament God pictures himself as a husband to the nation of Israel and in the New Testament he pictures himself a husband to the church. 

In Isaiah 54:5 (KJV) God said the following to Israel:

“For thy Maker is thine husband; the Lord of hosts is his name; and thy Redeemer the Holy One of Israel; The God of the whole earth shall he be called.”

And in Ephesians 5:23-24 (KJV) the Bible says:

“For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the saviour of the body. Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing.”

The point here is clear.  This Scripture passages above make it clear that gay marriage and polyamory are both wicked perversions of God’s design for sex within marriage.

So, if polyandry, gay marriage and polyamory are all violations of God’s design for marriage, then what polygyny (a man having more than one wife)?

We will tackle that question next.

God’s Allowance, Regulation and Blessing of Polygamy in The Bible

The following facts based on the Scriptures shown below prove that not only did God allow and regulate polygamy, but that in fact he blessed the practice.

FACT #1 – God rewarded Leah with another child for giving her husband another wife (Genesis 30:18).  Some try to say she just thought God rewarded her but the Scripture does not EVER record God condemning her for this so we take the Scriptures at face value that God did indeed reward her for giving her maid to her husband as another wife.

FACT #2 – God expressly allows polygyny and set rules for its practice. (Exodus 21:10-11, Deuteronomy 21:15-17, Deuteronomy 25:5-7)

FACT #3 – God while allowing polygyny warns against Kings “multiplying wives” meaning they were not to horde wives as Solomon would later do. – (Deuteronomy 17:17)

FACT #4 – God tells tells David through his Prophet Nathan when he sinned and took another man’s wife (Bathsheba) that he had given David the wives of his master and would have given him more wives (II Samuel 12:8)

FACT #5 – Jehoiada the high priest gets TWO wives for the young king Joash (II Chronicles 24:2-3)

FACT #6 – God pictures himself as polygamist husband to Judah and Israel in (Ezekiel 23:1-5)

FACT #7 – God divorces his first wife which was Israel as nation (Jeremiah 3:8) and in his seeking of his second wife (the church) seeks to make his first wife Israel jealous (Romans 10:19) and one day his first wife Israel as a nation will also be restored in the New Kingdom of God.

Historically polygamy was the norm of the ancient world until the Romans passed laws eliminating the practice forcing those in their empire to adhere to their “romantic” view of marriage – meaning a man could only have one wife.  The truth is that Roman men still had multiple mistresses, they just could only have one legal wife.

For more a lot more detail on the subject of polygamy as well as answers to common Christian objections to the practice see my series on Biblical polygamy on Biblicalsexology.com. 

My point here is that while polyandry, gay marriage and polyamory are all wicked perversions of God’s design for sex and marriage, the Bible shows that God indeed allows and blesses men having marriages to multiple women.

A Word of Warning on Biblical Polygyny

Whenever I have taught on polygamy in the myriad of articles I wrote over the years or in my podcasts I always give this disclaimer.  Just because God created men with polygynous sexual natures and allows and blesses the practice of polygyny does not mean it is always wise for men to seek to pursue polygynous marriage.

The fact that our modern society has made it illegal and is morally opposed to it in most circles makes it very difficult to live this life.  For the most part it must be hidden from those around and this can create great stress on a man’s multiple marriages to multiple women.

It also involves much more responsibility for a man financially, emotionally and spiritually as he must spend time with each of his wives as well as all the children they will produce. 

The truth is there are few men in our modern area that are up to this task financially, emotionally and spiritually.

I myself have chosen to live the monogamous marriage lifestyle and not exercise my right as a Christian man to practice polygyny. 

But for the few Christian men who have the means and mind to be able to do this – that is where a dating site like ModernPolygamy.com may come in handy.

My thoughts on ModernPolygamy.com

ModernPolygamy.com looks like a well-designed dating site with many safe guards and protections for its users.   They also have many useful blog articles which talk about how polygamous relationships work.

But make no mistake ModernPolygamy.com is NOT a Christian site, so you won’t see them condemning polyamory, gay marriage other sexual perversions.  They also do not promote Biblical patriarchy – in fact from many of the articles I read they would seem to promote more of egalitarian marriage model and even in their view of polygynous polygamy the women having equal says in the marriage and actually “date” perspective sister wives both as a couple with their husband and by themselves.

This stands in stark contrast to the Biblical patriarchal view of marriage in which a man has the ultimate choice of if he will take on additional wives and who he will choose.  Yes, there are examples in the Bible of women encouraging their husbands to marry another woman (like Leah did with Jacob) – but this was not a restraint on the man’s ability to marry new wives.  It was just another optional way for him to have new wives.    In other words, under God’s design, a man does not have to involve in his first wife or any other wives in his choice to take on additional wives.

But if we look at ModernPolygamy.com like we would other secular dating sites like Match.com and Eharmony.com – realizing it is just another tool for finding perspective people for marriage while understanding they do not promote a Biblical view of marriage – then it can have value to us as Christians.