Month: September 2015

The Black Hole of Babydom

/ biblicalgenderroles / 7 Comments

“It makes me sad to lose my friends and watch them throw away their promising careers and lives to enter the black hole of babydom” – my wife found this quote from a woman who wrote into an advice column that is featured in our local newspaper.

This advice column is written by a nationally syndicated columnist named Judith Martin a.k.a. “Miss Manners”.  Each week people write in asking her what is the correct way to handle different social situations.

This week a woman whom Miss Manners titled as a “Hater of baby showers” wrote  this to her about why she hated that her friends were having so many babies and baby showers:

“I am also alarmed at the shocking number of otherwise intelligent people who, despite this being the First World with various forms of birth control widely available, still have unplanned pregnancies and make no secret of this fact...

For these reasons and others, I am generally not thrilled when my friends become pregnant. I love my friends, but once they have kids, they fall off the face of the earth. It makes me sad to lose my friends and watch them throw away their promising careers and lives to enter the black hole of babydom (which, despite common arguments to the contrary, almost all do).…”

You can read the full letter from this woman and Miss Manner’s advice to her here.

This letter is a pure and unabashed display of just how ugly modern feminism has become.

It is a direct contradiction to what God says about children.

“Lo, children are an heritage of the Lord: and the fruit of the womb is his reward.” – Psalm 127:3 (KJV)

“He maketh the barren woman to keep house, and to be a joyful mother of children. Praise ye the Lord.” – Psalm 113:9 (KJV)

While there has always been all kinds of wickedness in the world, never have we seen on such a wide scale the complete visceral hatred of motherhood as we do today.

God never intended for women to find their greatest fulfillment in a career, but rather he designed them to desire and be fulfilled in making and molding human lives.

Photo Source: Jason Ippolito  https://www.flickr.com/photos/jasonippolito/3686987657
https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0/

What should a Christian Man’s highest priority be?

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Many Christian husbands have struggled with this very important question. Should my wife come first? Should my children come first? Should my job come first? Should my ministry come first? Should my country come first? Should my health come first?

In my last article “The Five Biblical Priorities of a Christian Man” we established that God has given us as Christian men these five priorities – God, Family, Church, Country and Work.

In this article we will discuss Biblical principles that will help guide us in how to juggle these five priorities.

The difference between juggling and ordering priorities

Generally speaking when you “order” something you are setting a group of things in a set order. That order once established does not change. But when you are juggling a group of things, the order is constantly changing.

For the Christian husband the only priority that never changes its order is God. God is his foundation and that never changes.

“For other foundation can no man lay than that is laid, which is Jesus Christ.” – I Corinthians 3:11 (KJV)

God is always to be our number one focus – his will and his purposes for our life must always be first.

But while we as Christian men must stand on our foundation in God we are still called by God to juggle these other four priorities of Family, Church, Country and Work.

What that means is at some moments our top priority may be our ministry at our local church.

But in another moment our wife or our children may be our top priority.

Still another time perhaps our parents or another relative may be our top priority.

If our country is attacked and we are called to war to defend it, then our country becomes our top priority at that time.

Every day when we go to work for those 8 or 10 hours a day our job becomes our top priority during that time.

Again let me remind the reader that when I say “top priority” this means our most important priority that is second only to our loyalty and service to God and his will.

Four Biblical principles for juggling priorities

Principle #1 – Don’t do things for people that they should do for themselves

We should not do things for people that they should could be reasonably expected to do for themselves. If we do we could possibly be enabling the sin of laziness.

“Bear ye one another’s burdens, and so fulfil the law of Christ. For if a man think himself to be something, when he is nothing, he deceiveth himself. But let every man prove his own work, and then shall he have rejoicing in himself alone, and not in another.

For every man shall bear his own burden.” – Galatians 6:2-5 (KJV)

Many Christians are confused when they come to this passage. In verse 2 Paul tells us to bear each other’s burdens and then in verse 5 he says every man should bear his own burden?

The first “burdens” in verse 2 is a translation of the Greek word “Baros” which means a heavy weight and troublesome burden. The second “burden” in verse 5 is a translation of the Greek word “Phortion” which in this context refers to a “load” like a freight container.

So what this passage of Scripture is saying is – we as Christians should help those around us with true burdens, true needs – things that they could not reasonably be expected to bare on their own. But people should be able to carry their own loads and carry their own weight.

Principle #2 – Don’t over commit to any priority

While we as Christian husbands and fathers are to try and model how God is a husband to the church and how God is a father to his children we must realize that we are NOT God. We cannot be everywhere as God can be and we do not have the limitless resources that God has. This means we have to be good stewards of the limited time, energy and financial resources that God has given us.

“Redeeming the time, because the days are evil.” – Ephesians 5:16 (KJV)

“So teach us to number our days, that we may apply our hearts unto wisdom.” – Psalm 90: 12 (KJV)

We can over-commit to any of our priority areas. If a man spends too much time with his family and does not work that does not honor God. If a man spends too much time working and not enough time with his family that does not honor God. If we spend too much time with our family but spend no time at our local church and do not regularly attend services then we are not honoring God.

Principle #3 – Ask God for wisdom to determine if the needs of two priorities are equal

If we are confronted with multiple legitimate needs from two or more of our priority areas at the same time then we need to pray and use discernment to determine which need is most important at that moment.

“If any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God, that giveth to all men liberally, and upbraideth not; and it shall be given him.” – James 1:5 (KJV)

“Wherefore be ye not unwise, but understanding what the will of the Lord is.” – Ephesians 5:17 (KJV)

Principle #4 – Order matters when the needs of priorities are equally important

When all things are equal – meaning both the needs of two or more priority areas are real and equal then we must use God’s order of importance to decide where we will allocate our time and resources. Our family’s needs come before our local church’s needs or our employer’s needs. In the priority of our family, our wife’s needs come before our children’s needs.

Applying these principles to real life situations

The reason we cannot order our priorities (put them in a fixed order that never changes) is because that is not the reality of how life works. Instead in most cases we must “juggle” our priorities instead.

Imagine if you are at your job and you spent the entire day talking on the phone to your wife. Now at that point you are making your wife feel like an important priority, but you are at the same time failing to make your work a priority.

The reverse could be said as well. If you as a man are constantly bringing your work home with you and never spending anytime at home talking to your wife and children but rather you are always working then you would be failing to make your family a priority.

Going back to the work scenario – what if you work in a job that sometimes requires you to work off hours. Perhaps you are a plumber who occasionally goes on 24 hour call. That means during that period that if someone has a plumbing problem, no matter if it is 3 AM – you have to go and service that customer. So during that 24 hour period your work trumps all other priorities. If your wife does not feel like you getting out of bed at 3 AM and tells you to call in, you have to tell her “No”.

But what if you are on 24 hour call for your plumbing company and your wife falls and breaks her ankle where she is need of medical assistance? In this case your wife’s emergency is a higher priority than an emergency at your job and in that case you may have to call in to your employer to get it covered by another worker.

Let’s say you and your wife are having an important discussion and you hear gunshots across the street and see that your neighbor has been shot? What is the greatest priority at that moment? Your wife or getting your neighbor medical assistance? Of course we understand that getting our neighbor medical assistance is the most important priority in that moment.

Perhaps you have just had back surgery and you must be very careful not to physically exert yourself or you risk causing damage to your back. You may not be able to work or do the duties you usually would around the house for some time and that needs to be ok. There are going to be sometimes that your health and recovery come before other priority areas.

There could be multiple examples where one priority bumps into another. And unless the needs are equal, the priority with the greatest need at that moment must be met. At the same time we cannot let any of our priorities completely fall through the cracks.

Conclusion

Juggling the priorities that God has given us as Christian men is not an easy task. Often times we are conflicted and we need to seek God’s will each and every day to know where to use our limited time and resources. Sometimes we may get resistance from a priority area that feels slighted. Maybe our manager at work feels we did not need to take time off for a family issue or maybe our manager does not like that we won’t work on Sundays. Maybe our wife felt we are working too much, but we know at this time it is necessary to do. Maybe our church friends don’t understand why we don’t do as much at church as we used to because of work and family commitments.

We need to realize that every day of our life will bring different challenges that are constantly changing where we will be asked to allocate our time and our resources. In the end we must seek the Lord’s wisdom and look at the priorities and order of importance he has given us.

The Five Biblical Priorities of a Christian Man

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Many young Christian men and even some older Christian men struggle with knowing what things in life should be important to them. What should your priorities as a Christian man be? Even if you think you know what God says your priorities should be – how do order your priorities as a Christian man?

What is a Priority?

A priority is something that is important to us, something that we care about. If something is important to us, then we will show that by our deeds. For instance, the Bible tells us that if our faith is truly important to us, we will demonstrate that in our works.

“If a brother or sister be naked, and destitute of daily food, And one of you say unto them, Depart in peace, be ye warmed and filled; notwithstanding ye give them not those things which are needful to the body; what doth it profit?

Even so faith, if it hath not works, is dead, being alone.

Yea, a man may say, Thou hast faith, and I have works: shew me thy faith without thy works, and I will shew thee my faith by my works.” – James 2:15-18 (KJV)

The Five Biblical Priorities of a Christian Man

Thankfully God has not left us to fend for ourselves as men, but he has given us his Word as a guide for our lives.

Unless a man is called to a life of celibacy in full time service to God, the Scriptures show us that every man has been given five areas of priority by God.

The five priorities that God gives to Christian men are God, Family, Church, Country and Work.

In this article we will discuss what these five priorities look like from a Biblical perspective. In my next article we will discuss Biblical principles that can help Christian men know how to juggle or order these five priorities that God has given them.

Priority # 1 – God

The Scriptures tell us plainly that serving God and his plan and design for our life should be our first priority.

“But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you.” – Matthew 6:33 (KJV)

“He that loveth father or mother more than me is not worthy of me: and he that loveth son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me.” – Matthew 10:37(KJV)

“Then Peter and the other apostles answered and said, We ought to obey God rather than men.” – Acts 5:29 (KJV)

Serving God comes before every other consideration in our life including ourselves, our family, our church, our employer or our country. But part of what it means to serve God is taking care of the needs our country, our employer, our church, our family and even ourselves.

Priority # 2 – Family

If God has not granted a man the gift of celibacy for full time service to his Kingdom as he did the Apostle Paul and other men and women then a husband’s second priority after God becomes his family.

But what if a man does not want a family?

Many have asked “What if a man is not called to full time Christian service, can’t he just opt to not get married and pursue a single life?”

Well first and foremost let’s define “full time Christian service”. Often we think of full time Christian service as someone being a Pastor, a Missionary or a Christian school teacher. But there are many single people and I know personally from my church and other churches that work in secular jobs during the week but they are constantly working at the Church and volunteering for anything that needs to be done.   They dedicate the vast majority of their free time to God’s service since they don’t have families to attend to.

But where I believe that men go against God’s design is when they choose not to marry and have a family in order to purposefully avoid the responsibilities of having a family. They want to live for themselves.

God’s command to man and woman after he created them was to “Be fruitful, and multiply”(Genesis 1:28). God designed us as men for marriage and family. We were not designed to live for ourselves, but rather for his purpose and design.

Shouldn’t our time and resources go to Church first and then family second?

Some Christians have taught what I believe to be a false doctrine that the Church, and specifically the giving of our time and financial resources to our local church must come before we give our time and financial resources to our family.

This false belief comes from the idea that service to God ALWAYS means service to his church. But the truth is that while one of the ways we serve God is by serving his church it certainly is not the only way we serve God. We also serve God by serving the needs of our family. In fact God shows us in his Word that our service to our family comes before our service to our local church.

Christians who believe service to the their local church always comes before the needs of their family point to this incident which is recorded in Matthew and Luke:

“And it came to pass, that, as they went in the way, a certain man said unto him, Lord, I will follow thee whithersoever thou goest. And Jesus said unto him, Foxes have holes, and birds of the air have nests; but the Son of man hath not where to lay his head.

And he said unto another, Follow me. But he said, Lord, suffer me first to go and bury my father. Jesus said unto him, Let the dead bury their dead: but go thou and preach the kingdom of God.” – Luke 9:57-60 (KJV)

While Christ’s words may seem harsh here, it makes more sense when we understand that Jewish burial processes had become overly complex by this time. It is most likely that his father had already been placed in his tomb or burial site, but the mourning process could take up to a year. Some Jews even practiced a “second burial” where a year after their loved one’s body had decomposed they would gather the remains into a box and do a final burial. This could also be what Christ was referring to as something that was not necessary for him to do.

But these same proponents of putting the Church before family miss another incident where Christ spoke on the family and Church priorities:

“Howbeit in vain do they worship me, teaching for doctrines the commandments of men. For laying aside the commandment of God, ye hold the tradition of men, as the washing of pots and cups: and many other such like things ye do.

And he said unto them, Full well ye reject the commandment of God, that ye may keep your own tradition. For Moses said, Honour thy father and thy mother; and, Whoso curseth father or mother, let him die the death:

But ye say, If a man shall say to his father or mother, It is Corban, that is to say, a gift, by whatsoever thou mightest be profited by me; he shall be free. And ye suffer him no more to do ought for his father or his mother;

Making the word of God of none effect through your tradition, which ye have delivered: and many such like things do ye.” – Mark 7:7-13 (KJV)

A man has the responsibility to care for his parents in their old age and our responsibility to give our time and financial resources to our family comes before our responsibility to give these things to our local churches. But in a broader context Christ was saying that our second priority after God, is our family. The Apostle Paul reiterates this same concept that Christ spoke on:

“But if any widow have children or nephews, let them learn first to shew piety at home, and to requite their parents: for that is good and acceptable before God. Now she that is a widow indeed, and desolate, trusteth in God, and continueth in supplications and prayers night and day.

But she that liveth in pleasure is dead while she liveth. And these things give in charge, that they may be blameless.

But if any provide not for his own, and specially for those of his own house, he hath denied the faith, and is worse than an infidel.” – I Timothy 5:4-8 (KJV)

Paul reiterates what Christ said that we have a solemn obligation to care for our relatives and family, but then he adds to this by telling us the first place we show “piety”(our faith, our religion) is in how we care for the needs of our family.

Paul tells us that if a man does not know how to manage his family, he is in no position to be a Pastor or Deacon in the Church:

“A bishop then must be blameless, the husband of one wife, vigilant, sober, of good behaviour, given to hospitality, apt to teach; Not given to wine, no striker, not greedy of filthy lucre; but patient, not a brawler, not covetous;

One that ruleth well his own house, having his children in subjection with all gravity;

(For if a man know not how to rule his own house, how shall he take care of the church of God?)” – I Timothy 3:2-5 (KJV)

This is clear from the Scriptures – while God is our always our first priority, God himself tells us that family is our second priority before all other considerations – even the Church.

I remember about 20 years ago when I was a young newly married man I had a friend of mine who was in his 30’s who had a wife and children. He was usually at almost every Church service and activity. But at certain times of the year especially around Christmas and some other times I would not see him as much.

I asked him one time about this. He told me that at certain points of the year he had to work a lot more hours for the shipping company he was at and did not have as much time to spend with his family. So his involvement in Church services would lessen so he could spend his limited free time with his family. He told me a very important truth that is supported by the Scriptures. “God created the family, before he created the Church. The needs of my family come before my Church attendance and involvement.” I never forgot what he said there, and later I would discover that what he was saying was a Biblical concept.

But what about when Christ said we should not love family more than him?

Some might say “What about Matthew 10:35 and other passages where Christ tells us if we love our family more than him we are not worthy of him?”

When we take all of Christ’s words into account only then can we understand what he was saying. Christ was not telling us to neglect the needs of our family for service to our local churches. What he was saying is “if your family is asking you not to worship me, to deny me or to deny my Church or go against my laws then you must be willing to deviate from them on this.” Following God always comes first. But following God is not equivalent to doing everything at Church first, and then your family gets the left overs.

So the Scriptures are clear – God first, family second and everything else including service to our local Church comes after those two things.

But who comes first in our family?

As Christian husbands we have our wives, our children, our siblings, our parents and our wives’ parents and siblings. These are all family members for us.

So yes family comes second only to God, but which family members come before whom?

Our wives come second only to God

“Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.” – Genesis 2:24 (KJV)

“Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it…So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself. For no man ever yet hated his own flesh; but nourisheth and cherisheth it, even as the Lord the church:” – Ephesians 5:25 & 28-29 (KJV)

The Bible shows us by the “leave and cleave” concept of marriage that as husbands once we are married our parents now come second to our wife.   We as Christian husbands are to feed and care for the physical needs of our wives just as we feed and care for our own bodies.

So when all things are equal, while our wife comes second to God – she is to be our first priority amongst our family members and anyone but God himself. But I want you to notice a key phrase I use here “when all things are equal”. I will come back to what I mean by that in our next article on “What should a Christian Man’s highest priority be?”

Our children come after our wives but before other family members and priorities

Remember the passage from I Timothy 5:4-8 where the Apostle Paul tells us that the first way we put our religion in practice is in our home? The needs of our children come only after our service to God and then the needs of our wife.  But the needs our children come before other priorities like our work and our local church. In truth part of what it means to serve God is to serve the needs of our children.

“A good man leaveth an inheritance to his children’s children: and the wealth of the sinner is laid up for the just.” – Proverbs 13:22 (KJV)

“The just man walketh in his integrity: his children are blessed after him.” – Proverbs 20:7 (KJV)

“Fathers, provoke not your children to anger, lest they be discouraged.” – Colossians 3:21 (KJV)

“And, ye fathers, provoke not your children to wrath: but bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord.” – Ephesians 6:4 (KJV)

“As ye know how we exhorted and comforted and charged every one of you, as a father doth his children,” – I Thessalonians 2:11 (KJV)

As fathers we have a responsibility to care for the physical and spiritual needs of our children. In the same way that marriage is to be a model of the relationship between God and his people, so too the father/child relationship is yet another model of the relationship between our heavenly father and us as his children. We as fathers are not to discourage our children or needlessly anger them, but rather we are to bless them, exhort them, comfort them, discipline them, teach them in the ways of God and love them as God loves his children.

We should care for the needs of our parents and other extended family

So while the needs of our wife and children are to come before other family obligations that does not mean we don’t still care for the needs of our parents and other extended family.   We simply need to seek God’s guidance in where we expend our time and resources – I will get more into that in my next post “What should a Christian Man’s highest priority be?”

Don’t forget YOU are a part of your family

Often times in Christian circles believers are lead to believe that they can never think of their own needs. People over-commit, even to good things like family, work and church to the detriment of their own health. We need to rest. We need to see a doctor when we are sick. We need relaxation and down time for our brains to recharge so that we will be of better service in these other areas in which God calls us to serve.

If you have ever been on a plane they always tell you that in case of an emergency when the oxygen mask comes down put yours on first, then help those around you. The reason is that if you put on the masks of those around you first you may not be able to help them if you pass out before you can do it. This same principle applies to our lives in general. If we can’t breathe, than we are of no use to anyone around us.

Priority # 3 – The Church

So up till now we have established that Biblically speaking God is our first priority and our family is our second priority. While service to God does not always equal service to the Church – sometimes it does.

God calls us to serve our families as we have just discussed. Later we will discuss that God calls us to serve our employers and even the needs of our community and our country. But sometimes we can use these other God given priorities to make excuses for our neglect of the priority of service to God’s Church.

Not all of us can be Pastors, Deacons or Sunday school teachers. But God wants us all to serve his local Church in some capacity. For some their service may be more financial than time based. For others who have little to give financially, they have much more to give in the way of time or talents. But while we all serve God’s Church in different ways, the call to serve God’s Church is for every believer in Christ.

“Now there are diversities of gifts, but the same Spirit. And there are differences of administrations, but the same Lord. And there are diversities of operations, but it is the same God which worketh all in all.…

For as the body is one, and hath many members, and all the members of that one body, being many, are one body: so also is Christ…

Now ye are the body of Christ, and members in particular.”

I Corinthians 12:4-6 & 12 &27 (KJV)

“Unto him be glory in the church by Christ Jesus throughout all ages, world without end. Amen.” – Ephesians 3:21 (KJV)

“Let us hold fast the profession of our faith without wavering; (for he is faithful that promised;) And let us consider one another to provoke unto love and to good works: Not forsaking the assembling of ourselves together, as the manner of some is; but exhorting one another: and so much the more, as ye see the day approaching” – Hebrews 10:23-25 (KJV)

The Scriptures are clear that God wants us to make his Church and the local assembling of believers together a priority for ourselves and our families as men of God. For some of us it may be no more than bringing our families faithfully to services each week to worship God and here the preaching and teaching of his Word and the giving of financial contributions to his work.

For others it may go beyond that in making meals for the church or driving a church bus. For others it may be teaching a Sunday school class or leading a youth group. Some are called to be Deacons to support the Pastor and weekly needs of the Church building and membership. Some are called to full time Christian service as Pastors who lead the local churches of God. We all have different callings, different gifts and different amounts of time or money available. But regardless of these differences – we are all called to make the Church of God a priority in our lives.

Having established that our local church should be a priority in our lives, I want to reiterate though that our service to God is not strictly through our local church. Many Christians serve God outside of the official ministries of their local church whether it is working in homeless shelters, Christian colleges and Universities and other evangelistic programs. I consider this blog to be a ministry for God even though it is not done as an official ministry under the direction of my church.

But my point is that I do not believe it would be right for me to only serve God outside his Church while neglecting his Church. It is not an either or proposition, it is both.

“As we have therefore opportunity, let us do good unto all men, especially unto them who are of the household of faith.” – Galatians 6:10 (KJV)

Priority # 4 – Country

Despite the beliefs of some Christians, God says there is a time for war.

“A time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war, and a time of peace.” – Ecclesiastes 3:8 (KJV)

“The Lord is a man of war: the Lord is his name.” – Exodus 15:3 (KJV)

“Every purpose is established by counsel: and with good advice make war.” – Proverbs 20:18 (KJV)

“And I looked, and rose up, and said unto the nobles, and to the rulers, and to the rest of the people, Be not ye afraid of them: remember the Lord, which is great and terrible, and fight for your brethren, your sons, and your daughters, your wives, and your houses.” – Nehemiah 4:14(KJV)

God has given men in general the ability to wage war and some men he gave a special ability in this area as he did King David:

“Blessed be the Lord my strength which teacheth my hands to war, and my fingers to fight:” – Psalm 144:1 (KJV)

This is why some men are simply called to be soldiers like King David was. This “warrior spirit” is something that should never be discouraged in young men. Rather it should be encouraged and channeled in positive ways.

Other men while not being called to be soldiers may still have this “warrior spirit” which calls them into law enforcement positions, again this is something that we should be encouraging when we see this in our young men.

Some men are called to lead their communities, their cities, their states or even their countries. Countries need these types of men in order to maintain peaceful and orderly societies.

But all of us as men even if we don’t have the “warrior spirit” or the drive to serve in public office are should be willing to answer the call of our country.  During times of peace our service may be  limited to voting – which all Christians should do.  In times of crisis it might mean we are called to go to war to defend our nation. If there is a natural disaster that strikes our community, then we as men should be the first to step up and assist in our communities.

Priority #5 – Work

The Bible tells us as men that we were created to be workers. Our minds and bodies as men are specifically built for work. Some of us men are built for physically based labor while others are built for more intellectually based labor. But no matter our talents and abilities – we as men are built for work.

“And the Lord God took the man, and put him into the garden of Eden to dress it and to keep it.” – Genesis 3:15 (KJV)

God built and designed man for work and the first thing he did after creating him was assign him to work and keep the Garden of Eden.

The scriptures tell us that as men of God we ought to dedicate ourselves to our work and find joy in our labor.

“Man goeth forth unto his work and to his labour until the evening.” – Psalm 104:23 (KJV)

“Wherefore I perceive that there is nothing better, than that a man should rejoice in his own works; for that is his portion…” Ecclesiastes 3:22 (KJV)

“Go thy way, eat thy bread with joy, and drink thy wine with a merry heart; for God now accepteth thy works. Let thy garments be always white; and let thy head lack no ointment. Live joyfully with the wife whom thou lovest all the days of the life of thy vanity, which he hath given thee under the sun, all the days of thy vanity: for that is thy portion in this life, and in thy labour which thou takest under the sun.

Whatsoever thy hand findeth to do, do it with thy might; for there is no work, nor device, nor knowledge, nor wisdom, in the grave, whither thou goest.” – Ecclesiastes 9:7-10 (KJV)

“And whatsoever ye do, do it heartily, as to the Lord, and not unto men;” – Colossians 3:23 (KJV)

“And let the beauty of the Lord our God be upon us: and establish thou the work of our hands upon us; yea, the work of our hands establish thou it.” – Psalm 90:17 (KJV)

Men – the world is literally yours to command

“What is man, that thou art mindful of him? and the son of man, that thou visitest him? For thou hast made him a little lower than the angels, and hast crowned him with glory and honour. Thou madest him to have dominion over the works of thy hands; thou hast put all things under his feet:

All sheep and oxen, yea, and the beasts of the field; The fowl of the air, and the fish of the sea, and whatsoever passeth through the paths of the seas. “- Psalm 8:4-8 (KJV)

When we farm, we fish, we build and when we organize in all our conquests whatever they may be – this what God built us as men to desire, to strive for and to do.

I like what Dr. Emerson Eggerichs said about men and their work:

“The first question a man usually asks another man when they meet for the first time is, “What do you do?” … most men identify themselves by their work. God created men to “do” something in the field. Watch young boys as they pick up sticks and turn them into imaginary guns or tools. Recently a mother told us she had prevented her son from having any toy guns or using sticks as pretend rifles, but when he made his cheese sandwich into the form of a pistol and was shooting a friend, she cried out in exasperation, “I give up”.

Mothers should never give up because this is simply part of a boy’s nature. He is called to be a hunter, a worker, a doer. He wants to make his conquest in the field of life. The academic term for this is the “instrumentality of the male”. From childhood there is something in a male that makes him like adventure and conquest. He wants to go into the field to hunt or to work some way.”

Dr. Emerson Eggerichs, Pg. 168 “Love and Respect”

Work is not an option for a man

“Let him that stole steal no more: but rather let him labour, working with his hands the thing which is good, that he may have to give to him that needeth.” – Ephesians 4:28 (KJV)

“…but we beseech you, brethren, that ye increase more and more; And that ye study to be quiet, and to do your own business, and to work with your own hands, as we commanded you; That ye may walk honestly toward them that are without, and that ye may have lack of nothing.” – I Thessalonians 4:10-12(KJV)

I know that we are all sinners and we each struggle with different sins more than others. Often I talk about how I believe it is the most unnatural thing in the world for a mother to drop her child off with strangers for 9 to 10 hours a day so she can pursue a more “fulfilling life” rather than caring for her child.

But I believe in the same way that it grieves the heart of God every time a mother hands her infant child off to a daycare worker by her own choice (rather than out of economic necessity) it also grieves the heart of God when a healthy able bodied man does not want to work. This goes against the very core of a man’s design when he does not want work.

Conclusion

We have shown here that God has given Christian men the five priorities of God, Family, Church, Country and Work. The first feat is just figuring out what our priorities should be – that we have done here. But for many of us the larger feat is figuring out how to order or really “juggle” these priorities that God has given us as Christian men.   In my next article “What should a Christian Man’s highest priority be?” we will talk about this “juggling act” that all of us as Christian men are called to.

Photo Source: https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Happy_family_%281%29.jpg
Author: Catherine Scott https://www.flickr.com/people/46242866@N00

1 million pageviews in 17 months!

/ biblicalgenderroles / 1 Comment

I just wanted to share this blessing that since I started writing for this blog in April of 2014 that we have now reached 1 million page views in 17 months!

I am so grateful for the impact that God has allowed this site to have.  We know that there are those that hate Biblical Christianity and they hate the doctrines of Biblical gender roles probably the most of all.

But God knew these times would come and the Christian faith has always been under attack both from the outside as well as the inside.  This is why is he had the Apostle Paul pen this words as encouragement to us to continue to fight for what is right:

“2 Preach the word; be instant in season, out of season; reprove, rebuke, exhort with all long suffering and doctrine.

3 For the time will come when they will not endure sound doctrine; but after their own lusts shall they heap to themselves teachers, having itching ears;

4 And they shall turn away their ears from the truth, and shall be turned unto fables.” – II Timothy 4:2-5 (KJV)

I pray that men and women will continue to find the truths of the Word of God, reject the teachings of feminism and  embrace God’s design for men to lead in their homes, their churches and their societies.

I pray that God will continue to open the eyes of Christian men as to the grave responsibility he has given them to love their wives and children by leading them, providing for them, protecting them, teaching them and disciplining them.

I  pray that God will continue to open the eyes of Christian women and help them to see and embrace the purposes for which God designed them in being a help meet to their husbands.  I pray that they will find joy in submission not only to God, but also to the man whom God places over them.  That they will experience the joy of being a wife and mother – the core purpose which God designed them.

I pray that many more Christian marriages will be blessed in the upcoming year and find the peace that God intends them to have by modeling their marriages after the relationship between Christ and Church.

“22 Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord.

23 For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the saviour of the body.

24 Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing.

25 Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it;

26 That he might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word,

27 That he might present it to himself a glorious church, not having spot, or wrinkle, or any such thing; but that it should be holy and without blemish.

28 So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself.

29 For no man ever yet hated his own flesh; but nourisheth and cherisheth it, even as the Lord the church:

30 For we are members of his body, of his flesh, and of his bones.

31 For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall be joined unto his wife, and they two shall be one flesh.

32 This is a great mystery: but I speak concerning Christ and the church.

33 Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife see that she reverence her husband.” – Ephesians 5:22-33 (KJV)

Do we need to cut the Pauline Epistles from the Bible?

/ biblicalgenderroles / 12 Comments

It is no secret that Christian feminists are no fan of the Apostle Paul. But often they try and make more subtle attacks on his authority to write God’s Word. Some like Skip Moen won’t outright deny Paul’s authority in general, but they will simply try to explain away anything he writes that condemns their false doctrine of Christian feminism.

But every once in a while a Christian feminist will come right out and make a full frontal assault on the Apostle Paul. It is refreshing to hear such honesty. A Christian feminist defender named Rosie posted this on my BiblicalGenderRoles Facebook page:

“Paul had NO authority to give commands, and he said it himself. He was a self appointed apostle NOT a prophet”

This statement alone shows the utter lengths those who wish to rebel against God’s Word will go to feed their selfish ambitions. Wow what a bold statement to make.

Paul was not a “self appointed apostle” – Jesus Christ himself appointed him on the road to Damascus:

“14 And when we were all fallen to the earth, I heard a voice speaking unto me, and saying in the Hebrew tongue, Saul, Saul, why persecutest thou me? it is hard for thee to kick against the pricks.

15 And I said, Who art thou, Lord? And he said, I am Jesus whom thou persecutest.

16 But rise, and stand upon thy feet: for I have appeared unto thee for this purpose, to make thee a minister and a witness both of these things which thou hast seen, and of those things in the which I will appear unto thee;” – Acts 26:14-16 (KJV)

In Paul’s first letter to the church at Thessalonica he wrote:

“For this cause also thank we God without ceasing, because, when ye received the word of God which ye heard of us, ye received it not as the word of men, but as it is in truth, THE WORD OF GOD, which effectually worketh also in you that believe.” – I Thessalonians 2:13 (KJV)

Paul was clear that what he wrote was the very Word of God, and only in a few instances did he give his opinion apart from the Word of God(for instance he thought celibacy was good, but he knew it was not meant most people). But in NO way did he ever say he did not have authority from God – he made it clear everywhere he went that he was an Apostle of God with the authority to speak and write the very Word of God.

In fact Peter affirms the authority of the Pauline Epistles when he writes:

“And account that the longsuffering of our Lord is salvation; even as our beloved BROTHER PAUL also according to the wisdom given unto him hath written unto you; As also in all his epistles, speaking in them of these things; in which are some things hard to be understood, which they that are unlearned and unstable wrest, as they do also THE OTHER SCRIPTURES, unto their own destruction.” – II Peter 3:15-16 (KJV)

Notice he compares Paul’s epistles to “the other Scriptures” placing them on equal footing with all Scripture.

So in order for Rose and many other Christian feminists to have their heretical view of Christianity, to basically make up their own Bible – they have to tear out Paul’s 13 Epistles of the New Testament as well as Peters two epistles because he affirmed Paul’s writings as the Word of God. They have to tear out 15 of 27 books, more than half the New Testament in order to follow the selfish ambition and heresy of Christian feminism.

This is why I have said it time and time again. Can you be a Christian and believe in Christian feminism? Sure. If you believe that Jesus Christ was the perfect sinless Son of God, God in the flesh who died for the sins of mankind and specifically for your sin then you can be saved regardless of what other false doctrines you believe.

However you cannot be a Bible believing Christian, a believer in the inerrancy and perfection of Scripture, and be a Christian feminist. The two positions are mutually exclusive.

So as we can see based on her own statement Rose and other Christian feminists have made their choice to reject the Bible consisting of all 66 books as the Word of God. Instead they want their shortened version, the one where they get to take scissors and cut out whatever parts they want.

In their version of Christianity – this beautiful passage of Scripture is not in fact the Word of God, because it was written by a “self appointed Apostle” and a man that had “no authority to give commands”.

“For by grace are ye saved through faith; and that not of yourselves: it is the gift of God:” – Ephesians 2:8 (KJV)

So which version of Christianity do you believe in? The modern Christian feminist version which is based on a shortened version of the Bible or the historic Christian faith which is based on ALL 66 books of the Bible?

Lindsey Graham says we need to import other country’s kids

/ biblicalgenderroles / 9 Comments

I was watching the first part of the second Republican debate tonight and Lindsey Graham said something like this in response to questions about American concerns about illegal immigrants taking American jobs, driving down wages and affecting the culture at large:

“I am against illegal immigration, but I am for more legal immigration. We used to have seven people to every one retiree, soon we will only have 2 people to every retiree and system will not function.  We need more workers and people from other countries to help support our system.”

There is an ugly truth behind what he was saying that he would never say nor will any other politician have the courage to say.

We as a nation are not having enough children.

The reason we are not having enough children is not because of a bad economy.  American has had many economic down turns and still had a much higher fertility rate than we have now. We have had a declining fertility rate for decades.

The reason we are having less children is because of two things – feminism and materialism. We look at children as burden from a financial standpoint and as holding women back from their careers pursuits.

We need to bring back a culture that looks at families(big families) as an honor, not something to be mocked. Our tax system should encourage marriage and larger families(at least 4 children per family, as opposed to the average of 2 that we have now.) We need to encourage stay at home motherhood with massive tax incentives for married stay at home moms and tax penalties on woman who are married with children and work.

If we do this we will no longer need to import other countries children to keep our system from failing, but we will stand on our own and keep our culture in the process.

“Lo, children are an heritage of the Lord: and the fruit of the womb is his reward.” – Psalm 127:3

4 Steps to confronting your husband’s sexual refusal

/ biblicalgenderroles / 8 Comments

How should a Christian woman handle her husband’s sexual refusal? Many Christian women are embarrassed to even bring this subject up – let alone actually look for help.

Since the explosive popularity of my post “8 Steps to confronting your wife’s sexual refusal” I have had many requests by Christian wives to write “sister” article of sorts to that article since that was specifically targeted toward Christian husbands who experience sexual refusal from their wives.

Christian Wives – I want to be as clear here as I was when addressing this subject with Christian husbands. The situation I am addressing in this article is not your husband occasionally turning you down for sex (even with a bad attitude, as opposed to for health or other legitimate reasons). What I am addressing here is the husband who consistently and routinely denies his wife sexually simply because he does not need sex as much or he thinks he should not have to do it except when he is in the mood or he thinks his wife should have to earn sex with him by “putting him in the mood” by doing various things he expects or likes. You prayed about it for years but nothing has changed and your husband refuses to meet the obligations of his marital covenant.

Again this is about sexual denial on the husband’s part – not lack of sexual initiation. For reasons your husband may not be pursing you sexually see my post “12 Reasons your husband may NOT want to have sex with you”.  For many women they interpret their husband’s lack of sexual pursuit as sexual denial but this is not the case. In fact it is very common in many marriages where the couple is older that the man may not pursue sex as much and the woman actually pursues it more – so they switch roles (as in who is doing the chasing). To this I would say that a man still needs to pursue his wife sexually even as he ages, just as a woman should pursue her husband even when her desire is not there. Now the percentage of who pursues who more might change – but neither spouse should feel like they are the only ones that ever want sex.

So now that we have established what scenario these steps are addressing – let’s now establish the right of a woman to have sex with her husband.

A woman has the right to have sex with her husband, and the husband has a duty to have sex with his wife

Let me say that first and foremost God give a woman the right to initiate and have sex with her husband.

“10 If he take him another wife; her food, her raiment, and her duty of marriage, shall he not diminish.11 And if he do not these three unto her, then shall she go out free without money.” – Exodus 21:10-11 (KJV)

This passage when taken in context was talking about if a man decided to take another wife (exercise his right to polygamy) he must still provide food, clothing (shelter is implied as well) and sex (this is conjugal rights). If a man took another wife and neglected his first wife sexually her family members or other town elders could approach the man and tell him to release this neglected wife (give her a bill of divorce). But it provides though a general moral principle – that a wife has the right to have sexual relations with her husband in marriage.

God reiterates this command that a wife has the right to initiate sex and have sex with her husband in his first letter to the Corinthian church:

“Let the husband render unto the wife due benevolence: and likewise also the wife unto the husband. The wife hath not power of her own body, but the husband: and likewise also the husband hath not power of his own body, but the wife.” – I Corinthians 7:3-4 (KJV)

Throughout the Bible the husband is consistently seen as the head of the wife, as the owner of the wife and we see here that even though he is her head and owner – she has certain rights as his wife that he may not deny and sex is one them.

So if a wife has the right to have sex with her husband – why don’t women (or men for that matter) want to talk about issue? We will discuss this next.

Why don’t women want to talk about sexual denial from their husbands?

There are two common reasons why Christian wives won’t are embarrassed to bring up this subject – either with their husbands or women from their churches, or even to their pastors.

The first reason is that sadly many Christian women were raised by their parents, or taught in the churches growing up that “only dirty women want sex”. Unfortunately the Church over its history has been complicit in this teaching as the Church fathers quickly fell into the error that sex was “dirty” and “fleshly” not long after the Apostles died.

The second reason is that many women feel to bring up this subject would be a bad reflection on them. “What husband would not want to have sex with wife? Men always want sex right?” They think it reflects badly on their appearance. “Perhaps he no longer finds me attractive” – a Christian wife might reason.

But the truth is neither one of these reasons should stop a woman bringing this issue up and confronting it when it occurs in her marriage.

On the issue of appearance and hygiene – these things are important for both a man and a woman. Both a husband and a wife should do their best to keep their bodies healthy and clean and available for sexual relations on a regular basis. If the man has problems with weight or ED (erectile dysfunction) it is his job to seek medical help so that he can sexually please his wife.

So once a Christian wife understands that sex with her husband is a right in marriage, and she overcomes her inhibitions to talking about this issue – how should she confront this issue in her marriage?

Before you can confront you husband’s sexual refusal you must know and accept your position

The Bible is not a “unisex” book. Yes God loves men and women equally – and a woman is no less human being than a man is. But God created men and women with different purposes and roles and this is seen throughout the Scriptures. So when we come to how a wife confronts sexual refusal from her husband and how a man confronts sexual refusal from his wife the steps will look different.

The biggest reason the steps are different is because a wife is not her husband’s authority. She is not spiritually responsible for him as he is for her. While his role is to love her by leading her, providing for her, protecting her and knowing her – her role is to submit to him, to serve him and to gently and respectfully share her wisdom with him(as the Proverbs 31 wife does).

I have written on this previously that Christian marriage is a type of Master/Servant relationship – but it is not a typical Master/Servant relationship in that a wife has many more rights than a servant, and this is a much more intimate Master/Servant relationship in that a husband is commanded to “know” his wife.

But in the context of a master servant relationship – the Bible tells us that servants have the right to bring grievances to their masters:

“If I did despise the cause of my manservant or of my maidservant, when they contended with me; What then shall I do when God riseth up? and when he visiteth, what shall I answer him? Did not he that made me in the womb make him? and did not one fashion us in the womb?” – Job 31:13-15 (KJV)

Job tells us that his servants made in the womb – i.e. just as human as he was. You as a human being, and even more so as your husband’s wife have certain rights and when you believe he has violated those rights you have a right bring those grievances before him.

But you must always be respectful of your husband’s position and his authority over you when you bring your grievances before him.

Before you take any steps to confront your husband’s sin of sexual refusal check yourself first

Before you embark on this difficult journey, you need to first address any un-repented sin in your own life. You need to pray very hard and make sure you are doing the right thing. You need to confess any bitterness you have toward your husband over this issue before you can confront it. Perhaps there are some other wrong ways you handled it, things you have said or done that need to be confessed to God, and perhaps even to your husband if it directly affects him.

A common issue that women who are experiencing sexual refusal face is – they were the ones refusing their husbands earlier in their marriage. What happens is because of many years of sexual refusal on the part of his wife, a man simply stops pursing his wife sexually. Then one day the wife wakes up and realizes they have not had sex in months or even a year or more and she pursues him at which point he turns her down. Now is the husband right to do this? Absolutely not. But the wife must realize her part in this and confess her sin of sexual refusal before she can confront her husband’s sin of sexual refusal.

4 Steps to confronting your husband’s sexual refusal

Christ said this about confronting a brother (or sister) that has sinned against you:

“If your brother sins against you, go and rebuke him in private. If he listens to you, you have won your brother. But if he won’t listen, take one or two more with you, so that by the testimony of two or three witnesses every fact may be established. If he pays no attention to them, tell the church. But if he doesn’t pay attention even to the church, let him be like an unbeliever and a tax collector to you.” – Matthew 18:15-17 (HCSB)

Matthew 18 gives us the first two steps a Christian wife must take to confront his husband’s sexual refusal.

Step 1 – Rebuke him privately

Rebuke your husband’s sin to him in private. A wife’s rebuke will look slightly different than a husband’s rebuke of his wife’s sinful behavior. A husband can speak “with authority” to his wife, as one under his authority. But a wife must remember her husband is her authority. You as a wife can bring your grievance to your husband in a respectful manner, you can plead with him to change his sinful pattern of sexual denial. This assumes you have already on several occasions tried to speaking gently to him about this issue. You have tried time and time again to find out if there is anything you can help him with, and anything you can do different. This assumes you have ruled out health problems, and or other mental problems and he simply has a stubborn and willful attitude toward sex in marriage and he does not think he needs to change.

Step 2 – Rebuke him before witnesses

If he is still defiant after rebuking him, privately ask him to go to a Christian marriage counselor, or maybe even a sex therapist if he is willing to go.

Step 3 – Bring him before the Church

If he will not listen to counselors, or refuses to go to counseling then bring him to your Pastor and his wife. If he will not listen even to them then he has chosen to act like an unbeliever, and now he will be treated as such.

Step 4 – Divorce your husband for the sin of sexual denial

Unlike a husband who has authority over his wife, a wife does not have authority over her husband. So unlike a husband in the same situation with his wife – a wife cannot stop going out with her husband on dates or stop doing her house hold duties or following his wishes. Your only option as a wife after confronting him with the Church is divorce.

But according to Exodus 21:10-11 you have the right to be freed from this marriage(and thus his authority) for his willful sexual denial.

“If he take him another wife; her food, her raiment, and her duty of marriage, shall he not diminish. And if he do not these three unto her, then shall she go out free without money.” – Exodus 21:10 (KJV)

Under the theocracy of Israel – a husband was pressured by male relatives or elders of the town to give his wife a bill of divorce if he was neglecting her in any of these areas. Our government allows women to file this bill of divorce for themselves and there is no problem with this scripturally as the woman is divorcing her wife on Biblical grounds.

12 Reasons your husband may NOT want to have sex with you

/ biblicalgenderroles / 8 Comments

“Why does my Christian husband no longer want to have sex with me?” This is a question that some Christian wives ask. What do you do as a Christian wife if your husband does not want sex? This is very delicate subject for many Christian wives and it can often times be embarrassing for them to even raise the subject because of cultural and religious conditioning.

I have received many emails from women asking me to talk about the subject of husbands not wanting sex and here it is finally! Sorry it took so long.

Yes wives want sex too!

Do not be ashamed of the fact that as a woman you want to have sex. In the Scriptures we need to look no further than the entire book of the Song of Solomon to see that women want sex too:

“May he kiss me with the kisses of his mouth! For your love is better than wine…

My beloved is to me a pouch of myrrh Which lies all night between my breasts.” – Song of Solomon 1:2 & 13(NASB)

“Awake, O north wind,

And come, wind of the south;

Make my garden breathe out fragrance,

Let its spices be wafted abroad.

May my beloved come into his garden

And eat its choice fruits!” – Song of Solomon 4:16 (NASB)

Unfortunately our culture as well as our churches make women feel dirty for desiring sex with their husbands – “Men are the ones that are supposed to want sex, not women” or so we are told. But nothing could be further from the truth.

In this area of sexuality we have to battle two extremes. One extreme says that “if you don’t want sex as much or as often as your husband then there is something wrong with you”. The other extreme is “If you want sex more than your husband there is something wrong with you”. If you find yourself as a wife in either of these situations – rest assured there is nothing wrong with you.

Many people have commented or emailed me accusing me of thinking women don’t want or enjoy sex because I deal so much with sexual denial by wives toward their husbands. But I do recognize that many women enjoy sex with their husbands, even if they don’t want sex as often. I also recognize that some women not only enjoy sex with their husbands, but they actually want it more often than their husbands!

But the truth is despite those women who find themselves having higher libidos (sex drives) than their husbands – the vast majority of low libido situations are found in women. Just search on “sexual denial”, “low libido” and “sexless marriage” and count the number of comments from men verses women. Ask a Pastor or therapist where they find low libido issues the most and they will say the vast majority of cases are with women having lower libidos than their husbands.

The mistake we make in this area of low libido is thinking that we have to make everything equal. We are told we have to say “This issue of low libido spouses in marriage is equally prevalent among men and women in marriage” when this simply is not true.

But even though it is true that if you want sex more than your husband that puts you in smaller percentage group of women (because the vast majority of women usually want it less than their husbands) – it does not make you abnormal, dirty or unchristian. That is my point.

But now that we have established that it is perfectly normal and fine for you to desire sex more than your husband let’s look at the difference between sexual denial and low libido.

The difference between sexual denial and low libido

A person (husband or wife) is capable of having little to no desire for sex (low libido) and still having sex with their spouse. Spouses do this all the time. Not having sexual desire, no matter the reason, is not the same as sexually denying your spouse.

Most men understand this key difference but women often times confuse the two. For many women – if their husband stops initiating sex as often or not at all then they interpret this as sexual denial when that is not the case.

Sexual denial is when you reject your spouse’s initiation of or request for sex, it is not the lack of them desiring you sexually or failure on their part to initiate sex with you.

Reasons your husband might have little to no sexual desire

When we look at reasons your husband might not want to have sex with you we have to divide these reasons into three major categories. The three categories are “Reasons that have nothing to do you”, “Reasons that definitely have to do with you” and “Reasons that may or may not have to do with you”.

First lets tackle the reasons your husband might have little to no desire to have sex with you.

Reasons that have nothing to do with you

Death of a loved one

Your husband may have lost a friend or loved one and this can take a huge toll on a man’s libido. For some men it increases their libido as sex helps to alleviate their depression. But for other men their depression causes their libido to drop. Usually though this type of event should only cause a temporary period of depression. If this goes on for years you may need to gently prod your husband into counseling if you think this is the case.

Your husband is stressed because of his job situation

Talk to him about it. Tell him how much you love him and how grateful you are for him providing for your family. Listen and empathize with his position (use your super power of empathy that God has given you as a woman). Reassure him that if in a worst case scenario he needs to look for a new job you will support that. Many women are afraid for their husband’s to switch jobs because of their need for security, but sometimes this is not what is best for your husband.

If your husband lost his job – the worst thing you can do as a wife is kick him when he is down. Let him know that you believe in him and that you know he will find something else soon. You need to be strong and not fall apart and worry about financial issues or bringing up finances to him. He knows that time is short and he needs to get a job – adding pressure will not help him. Obviously if he is being lazy or unwilling to support your family that is a different issue.

Your husband has a health issue

Maybe your husband has chronic pain issues or perhaps he has issues with ED or low testosterone. Try to gently speak with him about this. Tell him how you understand that he has chronic pain but you still need to have sex with him – you need that type of physical connection in your marriage. Some types of medication your husband takes may be killing his libido. If he has ED or low testosterone again reiterate to him how much you desire him and want to be physically intimate with him. Let him know he is not the only man that faces this and there is help – he just needs to be willing to seek it out.

Your husband was sexually abused

This is usually something you won’t find out until counseling. It is one of those issues that is usually buried deep. Basically if you can’t figure out a health issue, job issue or one of these other reasons you might want to pursue this in counseling.

Your husband thinks sex is just for having kids

Sometimes people are raised in homes or churches that teach that sex is only for having children. If your husband has this attitude toward sex, you will need to seek out counseling where a third party can help dig out this faulty and wrong view of sex.

Your husband is Asexual or has a true low libido

While these types of men are extremely rare – they do exist. Some men want a wife and they want kids but they have little desire for sex or they may even be Asexual and have NO desire for sex. Often times these men will hide this during the dating and engagement period so their fiancés won’t know and also men with low libidos or Asexuality are often mistaken for being homosexual. They want to appear like a “normal guy” so they put on a show.

But not long into the marriage they drop their guard and the show is over. Most of these men assume women don’t really care about sex so they think it won’t be a problem. While this kind of relationship is some women’s dream – most women want to have sex even if it is not as often as the average man.

You probably won’t be able to determine if your husband truly just has low libido (not for health or other reasons) or is Asexual without counseling to rule out other factors. If he is Asexual or has true low libido not caused by other factors – then you may have to initiate sex more often (and that is nothing to be ashamed of).

Your husband has homosexual desires

This has to be most women’s worst nightmare. Your husband admits to you or a counselor that the reason he has stopped having sex with you is because he has homosexual desires. He may truly love you – he simply has no sexual desire towards you because he prefers men to women. First know that you are not the first woman to face this situation and you will not be the last.

Homosexual desires exist because our flesh has been corrupted by sin. There are Christian programs that can help men recondition their minds toward heterosexual orientation. Just go online and look up a Christian counseling program in your area that can help your husband with this. But he has to be willing for this work.

Reasons that may or may not have to do with you

Your husband is addicted to porn

This may have been something that proceeded your marriage, or may have developed during your marriage but has nothing to do with you as his wife. However some men turn to porn because of their wives’ constant sexual refusal and denial. Some men turn to porn because even though their wife’s do not directly refuse them, they make having sex a difficult proposition. Some wives are overly critical of their husband’s sexual performance rather than gently asking for changes that might make their sex life better.

Your husband is having an affair

This like porn addiction is something that may or may not have to do with you. You may never deny your husband. You may rock his world in the bedroom, so this may have nothing to do with you and everything to do with him. But it may have to do with you if you been routinely denying your husband sexually. Am I saying it is right for your husband to have an affair because you were denying him?

No way!

The Bible does not allow sex outside of marriage under any conditions.

“Marriage is honourable in all, and the bed undefiled: but whoremongers and adulterers God will judge.” – Hebrews 13:4 (KJV)

But by your consistent denial you may have placed your husband in a very tempting position and he fell.

“Defraud ye not one the other, except it be with consent for a time, that ye may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again, that Satan tempt you not for your incontinency.” – I Corinthians 7:5 (KJV)

Reasons that definitely have to do with you

You are overly critical and disrespectful

Maybe your husband has not turned to porn, but rather he fills his time with hobbies (like video games) or other projects and he has no desire for you sexually because you emasculate him with your constant criticisms. For some men their sex drive is so strong – that they will still have sex with a critical woman just to get the physical release they need, but for others with weaker libidos they will redirect their sexual energy into other areas.

“Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife see that she reverence her husband.” – Ephesians 5:33 (KJV)

“A virtuous woman is a crown to her husband: but she that maketh ashamed is as rottenness in his bones.” – Proverbs 12:4 (KJV)

You have let yourself go physically

Yes this affects some men more than others. Men are visual creatures – we are designed this way by God. Now most men can handle the natural aging process women go through with their breasts sagging and them getting love handles and bellies. Our bodies change with age and the majority of men accept these realities.

But there are extremes on this issue on both sides. Some men are constantly prompting their wives to get cosmetic surgeries in an attempt for their bodies to continue to look like that of a twenty year old and that is ridiculous. However we do have the other extreme where a wife let’s her body go and she gets massively obese. Let me just speak truth into your lives ladies – while there are a few men that will find obese woman attractive, the vast majority of men will not.

Contrary to what some blogs teach – Beauty does have a weight limit!

Some men will still have sex with their wives being vastly overweight but it is no longer fueled by their sexual attraction to their wife, but it is only fueled by their need for a release. Often these men will make sure the lights are turned off before proceeding. I know this is tough to hear – but it is the truth.

“But the Bible does not say that wives have to keep themselves beautiful for their husbands!” This is a common statement brought forward by women who do not wish to do the work that it takes to keep themselves beautiful. They are right – there is not a specific passage that says a wife must keep herself beautiful for her husband. BUT there are principles of Scripture that would require a wife to keep herself beautiful for her husband.

The Church is pictured as a bride adorned for her husband

“And I John saw the holy city, new Jerusalem, coming down from God out of heaven, prepared as a bride adorned for her husband.” – Revelation 21:2 (KJV)

Ephesians 5 tells us that Marriage is a picture of the relationship of God and his people, Christ and his Church.

“For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the saviour of the body. Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing.” – Ephesians 5:23-24 (KJV)

The model of marriage is – Man is symbolic of God and Woman is symbolic of the people of God. If Christ’s bride is adorned for her husband, should a Christian wife be any less adorned for her husband?

Also a wife must remember she is to submit to her husband in “everything”. That includes in the areas of sexuality and beauty. If your husband wants you to dress a certain way as long as it is appropriate to the occasion then you should do as you husband asks. Your husband should not have to ask you to keep yourself clean and well kept, as well as not obese – you ought to do this out of the recognition that your beauty is a symbol of the beauty of Christ’s bride who adorns herself for her husband.

You used to deny him sexually

This happens a lot to Christian wives. Early in your marriage you never denied your husband and you enjoyed sex together. Then the kids came along. You had years of pregnancies, raising kids and getting them off to school. Now you can finally breathe!

What you did not realize is during all those years of business you either subtly or directly denied your husband’s sexual advances. You made him feel selfish because you were so exhausted from dealing with the kids and you thought “How can he even think of having sex with all this going on? How can he be so selfish?” This devastated your husband in a way few women can comprehend. Eventually he determined that you simply did not care about his needs but simply saw him as a paycheck and helper with the kids.

Now after years of sexual denial you have decided you are ready to have sex! Well he is done. Some men might come back from this, while others will need counseling to get their minds straightened out about this. He may have a lot of unresolved bitterness that he needs to give to the Lord before he will be able to sexually desire you again.

Questions for Wives

As a Christian wife you need to ask yourself these questions:

“Is he actually turning me down for sex or is he simply not pursuing me sexually?”

“Is he pursuing me less or not at all?”

“When was the last time I initiated sex? Have I given up after a few attempts or many attempts?

“Have I talked to him about this – directly rather than in indirect ways?”

“Am I do anything else mentioned here that can directly contribute to lowering my husband’s sexual desire for me?”

Conclusion

Am I saying that a husband is right in sexually deny his wife for any of the reasons above (whether it has to do with her or not)? Absolutely not!

“Let the husband render unto the wife due benevolence: and likewise also the wife unto the husband. The wife hath not power of her own body, but the husband: and likewise also the husband hath not power of his own body, but the wife.” I Corinthians 7:3-4 (KJV)

The Scriptures are clear – a husband and wife may not deny one another sexually. But what if he is not denying you but simply not pursuing you?

Obviously as Christians we ought to coming to the Lord daily in prayer, to both offer our thanks to him as well as our petitions. But prayer is not going to find out what your husband’s issue is.  It may resolve on it is own, but more than likely you are going to have to explore this issue with your husband  – God means for couples to talk and you can’t read each others minds.

I do believe that a husband should lead his wife in all areas, and that includes in the area of sexuality. So he should be doing at least some sexual initiating and should not be leaving all sexual initiation to his wife. Desire or lack of desire has nothing to do with it. Sex is a duty in marriage – it is to occur on a regular basis by the will of God.

But can a wife look to herself and see ways she may be contributing to her husband’s decreased sexual desire? Absolutely she should.

If a woman has done a self-evaluation and communicated with her husband her need for sexual connection and he refuses to comply then she may need to take this to next level as this may amount to sexual denial if he is actually refusing her.

If you believe your husband is sexually denying you after reading this post I suggest you read my post “4 ways to confront your husband’s sexual refusal”.

The Heresy of Skip Moen and his book Guardian Angel – Part 2

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Did God give Adam a wife “for the express purpose of guiding his obedience”? Are Christians wrong in believing that God created Eve as an “an assistant or a co-laborer” or in the role of a “domestic companion” for Adam? Skip Moen would have us to believe the answers to all these questions is – “Yes”.

In the first article in this series we saw that the Bible does in fact tell us what ‘ezer kenegdo’ means by how it refers to women in the context of marriage. God tells us what a woman’s role as help meet looks like. We don’t need a degree in Hebrew or Greek to see that. We can see it by how the Bible speaks to the topic of male and female relationships throughout the entirety of the Scriptures.

In this second article we will examine in more detail Skip’s false doctrine specifically concerning the purpose for which God made woman.

Skip Moen writes in his Book “Guardian Angel” (which we will abbreviate as GA from this point forward):

“What follows the only prohibition God gives Adam? The need for a “suitable helper”, the ‘ezer kenegdo. The argument proceeds from the prohibition concerning the tree of the knowledge of good and evil to the requirement for a helper. Furthermore, the entire story of the first sin focuses on the role of the ‘ezer kenegdo and the tree. How can we ignore the obvious conclusion that the purpose of the ‘ezer kenegdo is somehow connected to the command for Adam to obey?”

Adam doesn’t need an assistant or a co-laborer. The assignment to care for the garden, be fruitful, multiply and take stewardship over the earth is given to both male and female. They equally receive God’s prime directive. But the command prohibiting eating of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil is given to Adam alone. It is not Adam’s productive energy that needs assistance.

It is his faithfulness to God’s instruction. He needs a protector, encourager and spiritual director. He needs someone assigned to keep him on the straight and narrow. He needs one who comes alongside for the express purpose of guiding his obedience. Eve (Havvah) has a role to play, but it is not the role of domestic companion, production assistant or Vice President for Public Works. Unless we recognize this aspect of the description about the Tree, we will not acknowledge that her role is the role of priest and spiritual guide for Adam!

She is designed to make sure Adam stays faithful to God. She is the one who stands between God’s command and Adam’s obedience, watching over him so that he will not go astray. Adam guards the Garden. Eve guards Adam. The help she brings is the help of reminding, rescuing and demonstrating trust. In this role, she parallels God’s ultimate relationship with Israel. God is the protector, provider and deliverer of Israel in the fallen world, but those are roles God takes upon Himself after the Fall. In order to understand the role of the ‘ezer kenegdo, we must look at God’s relationship with human beings before the Fall.” – GA Pg 96-97

So now let’s compare what God’s Word says in the Genesis account:

“15 And the Lord God took the man, and put him into the garden of Eden to dress it and to keep it.

16 And the Lord God commanded the man, saying, Of every tree of the garden thou mayest freely eat:

17 But of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, thou shalt not eat of it: for in the day that thou eatest thereof thou shalt surely die.

18 And the Lord God said, It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him.

19 And out of the ground the Lord God formed every beast of the field, and every fowl of the air; and brought them unto Adam to see what he would call them: and whatsoever Adam called every living creature, that was the name thereof.

20 And Adam gave names to all cattle, and to the fowl of the air, and to every beast of the field; but for Adam there was not found an help meet for him.” – Genesis 2:15-20 (KJV)

So Skip’s theory is – Since God’s statement about man needing a help meet comes right after his warning to Adam about the tree of the knowledge of good and evil that his purpose in doing this was to give him a “priest and spiritual guide”, someone to “to keep him on the straight and narrow” and someone to come “alongside for the express purpose of guiding his obedience”.

In fact Skip goes out of his way to explain why man did not need a woman for companionship or even child bearing:

“Neither is a woman the solution for domestic labor needs, economic assistance or any other tasks that might be accomplished by animals and/or machines. Furthermore, Adam did not need Havvah for sexual experience. Sex is not the issue here. Neither are offspring since at this point everything created comes directly from the hand of God. Adam could have legitimately assumed that creation by divine fiat was the way things happened. Copulation as a necessity for the birth of offspring had no obvious external evidence to support it. Adam did not lack conversational companionship, psychological interaction or purpose.” – GA Pg. 105-106

So basically in Skip’s mind – Adam did not need a woman to produce children because God could just speak them into existence.  He didn’t need anyone to help him with his labors – he had animals for that. He did not even need companionship, after all he had God to talk to right? God gave him a purpose by placing him charge of the animals and the garden – why would he need a help meet? The only logical reason is someone to guide him and protect him and make sure he obeyed God right?

You know what the problem is with Skip’s theory?

There is not one passage in all the Bible that frames a woman’s relationship to man in the terms that Skip has set forth. Not one.

Despite Skip’s notion that man did not need woman for domestic assistance, companionship or reproduction these are some of the core reasons God ACTUALLY SAYS he did made woman.

Woman was made to bear children

In fact in the Genesis account after the fall God speaks to one of the main reasons he made woman:

“16 Unto the woman he said, I will greatly multiply thy sorrow and thy conception; in sorrow thou shalt bring forth children; and thy desire shall be to thy husband, and he shall rule over thee.

17 And unto Adam he said, Because thou hast hearkened unto the voice of thy wife, and hast eaten of the tree, of which I commanded thee, saying, Thou shalt not eat of it: cursed is the ground for thy sake; in sorrow shalt thou eat of it all the days of thy life;

18 Thorns also and thistles shall it bring forth to thee; and thou shalt eat the herb of the field;

19 In the sweat of thy face shalt thou eat bread, till thou return unto the ground; for out of it wast thou taken: for dust thou art, and unto dust shalt thou return.” – Genesis 3:16-19 (KJV)

God did not say that a woman bearing children was part of the curse, the pain he added to child birth was part of the curse. The ability to conceive and bear children a blessing to her, and more importantly her ability to bear and care for children was a blessing to Adam and was meant to be a blessing for all men.

Jacob prayed this prayer for his son Joseph before he died:

“5 Even by the God of thy father, who shall help thee; and by the Almighty, who shall bless thee with blessings of heaven above, blessings of the deep that lieth under, blessings of the breasts, and of the womb:” Genesis 49:25 (KJV)

David says this regarding a woman’s fruitfulness in bearing children for her husband:

“Thy wife shall be as a fruitful vine by the sides of thine house: thy children like olive plants round about thy table.” – Psalm 128:3 (KJV)

A woman’s womb – her ability to have children is one the central purposes for which God made woman and he did this as a blessing to man.

God also blessed man with a woman’s breasts –which have a duel symbolism of representing the care and feeding of children as well as representing the blessing of sexual pleasure which God brings to man through woman.

But we can see clearly that one of the main purposes for which God made woman was to bear and care for the children of man – straight from the Genesis account and supported throughout the rest of the Scriptures. In fact we can see throughout the Scriptures that a woman did not feel like a woman if she could not bear children.  If a woman was barren often times she felt that it was worse than death.

“And when Rachel saw that she bare Jacob no children, Rachel envied her sister; and said unto Jacob, Give me children, or else I die.” – Genesis 30:1 (KJV)

This was not because society expected women to bear children as we are so often told today. It was because women were more in tune with the nature God designed them with – the desire to bear and care for children.

Today many women suppress this desire to have children to the detriment of our society and our homes. In fact women that want many children are scolded and mocked and called “baby factories”.  Many modern women see having children as holding them back from doing the things that men do (like having careers outside the home). They are taught to see their value in every other place than one of the core places that God designed them – the bearing of and the caring for children.

Woman was made for man’s companionship

“Yet ye say, Wherefore? Because the Lord hath been witness between thee and the wife of thy youth, against whom thou hast dealt treacherously: yet is she thy companion, and the wife of thy covenant.” – Malachi 2:14 (KJV)

“Live joyfully with the wife whom thou lovest all the days of the life of thy vanity, which he hath given thee under the sun, all the days of thy vanity: for that is thy portion in this life, and in thy labour which thou takest under the sun.” – Ecclesiastes 9:9 (KJV)

Well Skip may not think so, but God knew that man needed a companion. This is one of the reasons God made woman.

Woman was made for man’s sexual pleasure

“Let thy fountain be blessed: and rejoice with the wife of thy youth.  Let her be as the loving hind and pleasant roe; let her breasts satisfy thee at all times; and be thou ravished always with her love.” – Proverbs 5:18-19 (KJV)

One of the reasons that God made woman (but certainly not the only reason) was for her to literally be a source of pleasure to him.

Woman was made to be man’s domestic helper

“She looketh well to the ways of her household, and eateth not the bread of idleness.” – Proverbs 31:27 (KJV)

“That they may teach the young women to be sober, to love their husbands, to love their children, To be discreet, chaste, keepers at home, good, obedient to their own husbands, that the word of God be not blasphemed.” – Titus 2:4-5 (KJV)

“I will therefore that the younger women marry, bear children, guide the house, give none occasion to the adversary to speak reproachfully.” – I Timothy 5:14(KJV)

And before any of Skip’s followers get excited about the KJV phrase “guide the house” thinking this gives credence to her being a guide to her husband let me help you out with that phrase.

The phrase “guide the house” in I Timothy 5:14, is an English translation of the Greek word “Oikodespoteo”, which comes from two Greek words “oikos” (house) and “despoteo” (to rule). This literally means to “to occupy one’s self in the management of a household”.

Titus 2:4, a companion passage to this subject of women and the home, calls women to be “keepers at home”. This is a translation of the Greek word “Oikouros” which literally means “watcher or keeper of the house” or “caring for the affairs of the house”.

So neither the “keepers at home” phrase nor the “guide the house” phrase have anything to do with a woman guiding her husband spiritually or in any other way. It has to do with her guiding the domestic affairs of her home. See Proverbs 31 for more detail on this.

Woman is made to give counsel to her husband, not to contend with him

This is very crucial point. I would never say that God meant for a woman to remain silent and never offer her husband any words of wisdom. But she is to give him kind and respectful counsel – not contention.

“Every wise woman buildeth her house: but the foolish plucketh it down with her hands.” – Proverbs 14:1 (KJV)

“She openeth her mouth with wisdom; and in her tongue is the law of kindness.” – Proverbs 31:26 (KJV)

“It is better to dwell in the wilderness, than with a contentious and an angry woman.” – Proverbs 21:9 (KJV)

“A continual dropping in a very rainy day and a contentious woman are alike.” – Proverbs 27:15 (KJV)

Conclusion

There is not one shred of Biblical support for Skip Moen’s theory that God created woman for man for the purposes of being a “priest and spiritual guide”, someone to “to keep him on the straight and narrow” and someone to come “alongside for the express purpose of guiding his obedience”.

Not one verse of Scripture tells a woman to be a guide to her husband.

Not one verse of Scripture tells a woman to keep her husband on the straight and narrow.

Not one verse of Scripture tells a woman she is a priest to her husband.

Instead the Bible tells us and shows us it is a man’s job to be his wife’s spiritual leader and confronter:

The husband confronts the wife

“9 Then said his wife unto him, Dost thou still retain thine integrity? curse God, and die. 10 But he said unto her, Thou speakest as one of the foolish women speaketh. What? shall we receive good at the hand of God, and shall we not receive evil? In all this did not Job sin with his lips.” – Job 2:9-10 (KJV)

The husband can override his wife’s decisions and commitments

“10 And if she vowed in her husband’s house, or bound her soul by a bond with an oath; 11 And her husband heard it, and held his peace at her, and disallowed her not: then all her vows shall stand, and every bond wherewith she bound her soul shall stand.

12 But if her husband hath utterly made them void on the day he heard them; then whatsoever proceeded out of her lips concerning her vows, or concerning the bond of her soul, shall not stand: her husband hath made them void; and the Lord shall forgive her.” – Numbers 10:30-12 (KJV)

The husband is the spiritual teacher of the wife

“And if they will learn any thing, let them ask their husbands at home: for it is a shame for women to speak in the church.” – I Corinthians 14:35 (KJV)

The husband is the spiritual leader of his wife, as Christ is the leader of the Church

“23 For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the saviour of the body.

24 Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing.” – Ephesians 5:23-24 (KJV)

How is Christ a head to the Church? He is its spiritual guide, its protector and its corrector. This is what a man is to be to his wife. It is not what a wife is to be to her husband.

In upcoming posts we will explore more of the heretical positions of Skip Moen and then at the end we will see how he attempts to deal with what he calls the “bothersome comments” of Paul regarding women in the home and in the Church.

Stories of Sexual Denial in Marriage – Episode 6

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This next story of sexual denial comes from a man who is a minister and has been married 27 years.  I asked him for some clarification on his initial comments because I had some confusion on how often he was having sex with his wife.  I truly believe that as a minister he has the potential to make a huge impact for God with this situation.

Just a warning – this is probably the longest post I have ever done, but what has been said here needed to be said. But for men seeking help I believe it is worth the read.

Joe’s Story

“My wife and I have been married 27 years. I’m a minister.
We have been sexual only 7 times. (when she wants to be) This is the middle of September.
She tells me that sex is the farthest thing from her mind. I exercise often and am in athletic condition and well groomed. I do the things that most women complain about their husband NOT doing. I do most of the chores and cook almost all of the meals.

My wife says that she’s attracted to me and we are very nice to each other. We hold hands often. I give her back rubs which seems to help her chronic pain that she’s had for a number of years. She comes in from work every day totally exhausted and wanting no affection from me, unless it’s just a small kiss.

I’ve lovingly told her how rejected I feel for her not wanting to have sex with me. Oh, every time in our married life when we make love I always help her to achieve an orgasm.

At our last counseling appointment the counselor reiterated scripture that you mentioned above. The thing is…I don’t want her to make love to me out of a “duty”. I want her to do it because SHE wants to. I want to be desired her but she’s not interested.

I’m feeling resentful and very angry. I feel unloved. I recently just read Kevin Leman’s book “Sheet Music” and it made me angry cause I know that my wife will never do the things that Leman mentioned.
From what I’ve read in other articles if you have sex less than 8 times in a year that’s considered a “sexless” marriage.

I never thought I would only be 53 and be in a sexless marriage. If I were 85 or 90 I could understand but I’m so frustrated right now and honestly do not see an end to this. For me to “divorce” her over this could put an end to me being a pastor. I doubt seriously I could convince others that she’s committed sexual immorality against me over not wanting to have sex with me.

I’ve tried to woo her, wanting to take her on a date, just me and her. Nope, she’s too tired and wants to veg out on Netflix. I’ve suggested a weekend away somewhere or a cruise, just me and her. Not interested. I married “in sickess and in health, richer or poorer” but I DID NOT SIGN UP FOR THIS. I’ve shed a bucket of tears over this and just don’t know how much more rejection I can handle. I’m ready to leave.”

He then responded to my questions asking for clarification with these comments:

“Sorry for the confusion. I meant to say we’ve had sex 7 times this year. ..which is way better than 7 times in 27 years. We’ve been seeing a wonderful Christian counselor…for other other issues but Only 2 times now for this particular “no sex” issue.

Sex in our marriage started out great..like most couples but then when children came along it basically came to a screeching halt. With child #2 my wife seemed to be sick the entire pregnancy which meant no sex for me…but i felt sorry for her. She also seemed to develop an invisible disease called fibromyalgia which causes pain all over her body. Its hard to diagnose. It was pretty bad for a number of years. We would only have sex a handful of times a year (whenever SHE was in the mood) .

Now things are somewhat better with her physically but we still seldom have any sex or any other physical touch. The issue now is she works full time, comes home and collapses and has nothing left. She says she loves me but just has no interest in sex. I’ve told her how i feel. The counselor (a woman) has used the same scripture you mentioned.
There is however, a ray of hope. Today she left me a note saying that she wants to pursue passion and for me not to despair. She does realize that she’s not normal. But it’s very upsetting to me that regardless of her non existent libido that she would not care about my desires and needs. I don’t feel desired at all.

Ive noticed that as a result of my situation i am now being tempted to do some immoral things. Have not given in yet but i feel very vulnerable right now. At this point i have resentment that’s built up. I lay awake at night wanting to be touched…and honestly it all just ticks me off. I want to sleep somewhere else.

In response to your last questions:
She initiates. And yes, i gave up initiating long ago because of the rejection. She lets me know when. When she IS in the mood i will ask “is there something i did that put you in the mood? If so what was it so i can try that again.” As far as touch she does not smack my hand but just move it away and then tell me she’s too tired or she’s hurting (with her pain issue). At the moment she feels like i am pressuring her and all i am doing is trying to have conversation about it. “Speak the truth in love”. Im trying real hard to get the “in love” part. I’ve read both books our counselor suggested in three days. She’s struggling to read them cause she doesn’t want to and said it makes her angry. Im all alone here.

My Response to Joe and other men who see themselves in this situation

First and foremost I want to extend my heart felt sympathy to this Christian husband and any other Christian husband who faces this issue of chronic and willful sexual denial from his wife.

Joe truly seems to have been trying to “woo” his wife, to see what he can do to put her in the mood.  He gives her back rubs, he does most of the cooking and cleaning  all in an attempt to relieve her stress which might allow her to be in the mood more often.  He tries to take her on dates. On those rare occasions when she is in the mood he asks her what put her in the mood so he can do whatever that is more to help her to be in the mood more often.

He has shared his frustration with his wife and she has been honest with him that she simply does not have the desire to have sex.

Joe is right that he is truly living in a sexless marriage(only 7 times in a year).

Joe’s situation is further compounded by the fact that he is a minister and he is afraid of what it will do to his Church if he confronts his wife and has to divorce her.

Joe’s story is very close to my own

I receive these emails and comments all the time and rarely do I see a story that so closely mimics issues I faced in my own marriage.   I believe God is leading me to share my story here for Joe as an encouragement for him to learn from what God had to show me in my marriage.  Previously I have shared bits and pieces about my marriage history in other posts.  But this will probably be the most I have ever opened up about my marriage history in a single post.

As I have stated on several occasions on this blog – I was divorced from my first wife with whom I had my children.  While it takes two for a marriage to fall apart the fault is not always equal on both sides. I was not the perfect husband and I know that I failed her many ways, despite trying to love her the best I could.

In my first marriage my wife had several affairs.  We really didn’t have sexual issues in the sense that until we were getting divorced she really never denied me sexually.  But I could never trust her as she would keep returning to affairs and I had to eventually divorce her.

Not long after I divorced her – I went on a Christian dating site where I met the woman who would eventually become my second wife.  When we were first married the sex was great! For about 3 months.

Then after about 3 months of marriage my wife started feeling more free to turn me down for sex. During this same period the personal touching between us went down drastically as well.  My wife started sitting on her couch and I had my couch, and if I were to go and try and sit with her to cuddle up she would tell me she needed her space.

My wife worked a full time job as a manager and she would routinely tell me she was stressed out from work and she had back pain and foot pain from her job.

Why did I marry a career woman?

I realize that may seem like a complete contradiction to what I believe and teach on this site – why would I marry a career woman? The reason is because after my divorce from my first wife I was in the position where I had older children who did not need a mother at home to care for them.  If you look closely at my articles on this site about career women – I say that a woman should not work until at least when her kids are in school and they are not needing full time care at home from their mother.

But even though I am not against women working outside the home when their kids are grown and in school, I think they have to be careful of over committing themselves to their jobs to the neglect of their husbands, their children or their home.

My first wife was a very untrustworthy woman constantly lying and doing things behind my back.  The most important thing to me was finding a Christian woman and a person I could trust with my heart and my children and one that would not betray me as my first wife had.

My second wife was involved in her church before I met her  – she went on missions trips and was involved in various ministries of her church.   I met her family and church friends and found that my wife was a woman with great character.   Once I realized she was the kind of woman who would never betray me and that we shared a common faith in Christ that was it – I was head over heels for her!

She was married previously and was never able to have kids and I came with a ready made family.  My kids loved her and she loved them.  We were married about a year after we met.

While we were dating and then engaged we did talk about how I felt about Biblical gender roles and she asked if it would be a problem with me that she worked full time once she knew my beliefs.  I told her that as long she put me, my kids and our home before her career I had no problem with her continuing to work as a manager since my kids were older and in school full time.  I even offered to help with doing half the house work.

But even while we were dating I detected feminist tendencies in her that she had from her upbringing(her mom was a career woman as well).  Her mom even told me on one occasion that she taught her daughters to “be independent and not need a man”.  So even though my wife had become a Christian a few years before she met me, the feminism ran deep in her.  I also detected that her job as a manager might cause some friction in her commitment to our marriage and our home.

But she was so different from my first wife, and such a good Christian woman with great character that I chose to overlook some of these areas that would later come back to haunt me, naively thinking I could help her to see what God says a Christian woman’s priorities should be in regard to her husband, her children and her home.

Some might say “well they were not her children” so they are not her responsibility.   That is false.  When a woman agrees to marry a man who already has children, she agrees to be a mother to his children and we agreed to that before we were married.

So now with all that as a backdrop to the sexual issues I faced with my wife let me go into what I did to address the issue of my wife’s sexual denial.

Mr Nice guy goes to work

So like Joe I went to work trying to help reduce my wife’s stress.  My first wife was a traditional stay at home mom and did the majority of the cooking and cleaning(although I did cook frequently too).

My second wife was the polar opposite – she was a hardworking successful career woman working as a manager.   My second wife did not cook much as her mother did not cook much so she had no example to learn from.  Her father cooked more often then her mother because he got home from his factory job earlier than her mom from her office job.  Her mom would take care of most of the laundry.

My wife has admitted to me many times that for her growing the norm was “the dad does the cooking and the mom does the laundry” so this is why she never really took an interest in learning how to cook.

So my wife did not have the homemaker model of mother teaching her how to cook.  It was a big change for her to cook at all for our family but she tried.  Not long into our marriage I took on most of the cooking duties(where I cooked about 80% to 90%  of the time)  and at some points I cooked 100% of the time.  Eventually I was doing most of the laundry but she would help put the clean and folded clothes a way.

I hoped that by doing all these things it would help reduce the stress I saw in my wife and perhaps it would jump start and rekindle our love life.  I would try to take her on dates and buy my wife expensive jewelry and take her on expensive getaways(just me and her).  Because she suffered back pain I would give her back rubs and foot rubs.

None of this worked to get her to open up sexually or for us to even have more non sexual touch(like sitting on couch cuddling up together).

At one point in the first year of our marriage I remember sitting in a parking lot and I just told my wife how I felt. I wept. I told her that this was not how marriage was supposed to be were a couple rarely had sex and rarely touched one another.

She told me very candidly that while she understood my feelings, that she felt that a couple should only have sex when both the husband and wife are in the mood and that she really was not in the mood that often – maybe once or twice a month. She told me she was not a “touchy feely person” and she needed her space.  She told me that she loved me, enjoyed spending time together and going on trips together, but that she felt marriage should be more about companionship and friendship than having to be about these physical things.

I asked her “What happened to the woman I dated and the woman who I was married to for the first few months of our marriage?”

Her response was “That was not the real me.  That was just because our relationship was brand new, now this is what I am really like.” She then told me that since we were not young, but in our 30’s that “Sex and touchiness should not be a big deal – that is for younger couples in their teens and early 20’s”.

I wish I could say that right after that conversation I went to work confronting my wife’s sexual denial as I now advice men to do in many posts on this site.  I did tell her that day that I thought she was wrong, but then I dropped it hoping she would realize it on her own and change.

I continued doing almost all the cooking and laundry, taking her on dates and trips, buying her expensive jewelry and giving her back rubs and foot rubs.

Then she began to have health problems which eventually lead to her having to step down from her job as a manager and she worked a regular worker part time.   Then she had a car accident which caused her to become disabled.  During all this time I cared for her with all her various ailments.

I believe in some ways God allowed all these things to come into my wife’s life to humble her, because she was so neglectful of our marriage and our home in favor of her career and other interests.

But even through God allowed all these things to come into my wife’s life and despite my caring for her needs and taking care of the household duties she continued to sexually deny me except on the rare occasions that she was in the mood.  She also continued to deny me the physical touch(not just sexual, but just touch) that I so needed.

So you can see by my own story that I can very much relate to Joe’s story.

My confrontation of my wife’s sexual denial

Eventually I came to the point where I realized that I could not stand back and allow my wife’s behavior to go unchecked. Despite all the trials God had brought into her life to show her that her marriage and family were more important than her career she did not see the changes that God was trying make in her life.

She continued to focus on the loss of her health and her job with no consideration for the opportunity God had given her to focus on our marriage and our family.

This is not to say that I had not complained to her before this – but it was just that a complaint with no followup.

Then God revealed to me that I was not powerless to try and change this situation with my wife. I realized that God had called me not only to love her and care for her physical and emotional needs, but also to rebuke sin in her life toward our marriage.

We went and counseled with our Pastor and his wife(whom she respects) and our Pastor made it clear to her that God says a wife is not to deny her husband sexually, even if she is not in the mood.

After that she stopped denying me for a short period but then it started up again. At that point I felt the Lord leading me to discipline my wife.  I stopped buying her flowers(I used to buy them at least once or twice a month for her).  I stopped taking her to our favorite restaurants when my kids were with their mom.  I stopped the weekend getaways and I stopped the jewelry and gifts.  I stopped giving her the back and foot massages. The message was clear – this sinful behavior will stop.

At first she acted stubborn about it, and then she tried to pull the “Am I your whore that I have to perform to get these things”.  She told me “you just think marriage is all about sex”.

I told her “I do not expect you to have sex with me in order for you to get these things from me – in fact you ought to have sex with me regardless of if I do those things. I expect you to honor the vows you made to God and me when we got married to respect me, submit to me and give me your body freely and without complaint.”

I told her “you are breaking the marriage vows you made to me and you are being unfaithful to me by denying me sexually – this is a breach of our marriage covenant”. I made it clear to her that I would eventually seek divorce if this situation did not change.

You know what happened? Now she does not deny me except for when she is truly sick and I know she is, and then she humbly gives me a rain check.  Has she had some relapses where turns me down in a wrong way or for wrong reasons? Yes. Do we still have issues with her not wanting to touch? Yes.   But I address it head on and remind her that I won’t tolerate this sin to rise up again in our marriage.

I also realized that I was not only enabling her sin of sexual denial, but I was also enabling her laziness.  Yes she had some health issues, but according to her own doctors it would be healthy for her to do things like wash dishes and do laundry as long as I could help her with any heavy lifting(which I always still do).

So I told her I expected her to do what she could and that meant doing dishes and learning to cook.  I would no longer cook 80% percent of the time now that she is at home full time.  You know what? She learned how to cook.  She looks up recipes and now she cooks 80% of the time and I only cook 20% of the time.  She packs my lunch every evening for me to take to work the next morning.

Has my wife completely turned from her feminist tendencies and fully embraced Biblical patriarchy as I have laid out on this site?  No she has not.  But she has made progress and I recognize that.  However, it is my job as a husband to not only continue to search my own self for sinful thoughts and actions but to search my wife as well.  Ephesians 5: 25-27 tells us that as Christian husbands part of loving our wives is for us to wash their spiritual spots, wrinkles and blemishes with the Word of God as Christ washes his Church.

My wife, like myself, still has many spiritual spots, wrinkles and blemishes that need to be washed.  However, while it is not her job as one under my spiritual authority to wash my spiritual spots, wrinkles and blemishes  – it is my job to wash hers.

But I can only wash my wife as she full submits to God and then to me.  She no longer flat out denies like she did before but she still has not fully recognized that God made her for me and has given her to me.  She still is retaining ownership of herself.

A battle plan for Joe and other husbands facing this situation

Joe – this is about way more than your feelings and your frustrations.  This about sin in your wife’s life.  But you can’t take on sin in your wife’s life until you take on the sin in your own life.

“See to it that no one comes short of the grace of God; that no root of bitterness springing up causes trouble, and by it many be defiled;  that there be no immoral or godless person like Esau, who sold his own birthright for a single meal.” – Hebrews 12:15-16 (KJV)

Your wife has sinned against you and she has hurt you in a very personal way by sexually denying you and refusing to give you the affection that every man needs from the woman he loves.

But as a minister I know that you know one sin never justifies another sin.  You have allowed a root bitterness and resentment to grow up and you need to rid yourself of that so you can clearly see and confront the sin in your wife’s life.  I struggled with this bitterness and resentment toward my wife for a while until I realized it was making me powerless to confront my wife’s sin.  I needed God’s power to confront my wife and I would not have that till I made my own heart right with God.

Once you make your heart right with God – you will be ready to take on your wife’s sin head on.

You said there is a “ray of hope” and your wife acknowledges the issue.  But my wife did that too but she would change for a week and go back to the same behavior. Your wife may do this as well.  You can’t let her just say “I know I need to change”, actions must follow her words and there needs to be a consistent change.

If you don’t see this real and consistent change occur then you need to move to discipline with your wife(tough love).

First realize why you are disciplining your wife

Your wife is acting selfishly toward you and thinks she should only have to have sex with you or let you touch her when she feels like it which is clear violation of God’s Word.

“3 Let the husband render unto the wife due benevolence: and likewise also the wife unto the husband.

4 The wife hath not power of her own body, but the husband: and likewise also the husband hath not power of his own body, but the wife.

5 Defraud ye not one the other, except it be with consent for a time, that ye may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again, that Satan tempt you not for your incontinency.” – I Corinthians 7:3-5 (KJV)

The  Bible also says you as her husband are to be able to be find satisfaction in your wife’s body and be ravished by her love – something she is not doing.

“Let her be as the loving hind and pleasant roe; let her breasts satisfy thee at all times; and be thou ravished always with her love.” – Proverbs 5:19 (KJV)

Remember God made your wife as a helper for you, not you as a helper for her.

“Neither was the man created for the woman; but the woman for the man.” – I Corinthians 11:9 (KJV)

This is not to say that husbands should not serve their wives as Christ washed his Apostles feet.  But it must clear in your relationship who is the leader of your home and who is the helper in your home. And this is not about you being selfish. Biblically speaking selfishness  is when we think ONLY of our needs and not the needs of others.   But it is not selfish to also think of your needs.

“Do not merely look out for your own personal interests, but also for the interests of others.” – Philippians 2:4 (NASB)

Most of the time sexual denial, especially on the part of the wife is way bigger than just sex.  Sexual denial is just the tip of the iceberg.  The issue is your wife’s attitude toward her role as your help meet.  She may say she believes she is to be a help meet to you – but her actions show something very different.

Her actions show a woman who has no problem with her husband acting as her help meet, instead of her acting as his help meet.  This needs to change.

How to discipline your wife

Joe – you need to confront this sin head on in your wife’s life by removing the back rubs, the dates and doing all the chores.  Does she really need to work? Maybe you can bring up to her that if she is so exhausted from her job maybe she does not need to work.  But whether she works or not – she must reserve some energy for you.  Her focus needs to be more on her role as your help meet and less on her role as an employee of whatever company she works for.

If she will not listen and rebels against your attempts to bring godly correction into her life then you may have to move to the next level.

It maybe require you stepping down from your Church as Pastor in anticipation of divorcing your wife for her marital unfaithfulness(which sexual denial is form of).

I know that some of my readers will disagree, but I do believe that one of the qualifications of Pastors, Deacons and Widows that serve directly in Church is that they cannot be divorced:

“A bishop then must be blameless, the husband of one wife, vigilant, sober, of good behaviour, given to hospitality, apt to teach;” – I Timothy 3:2 (KJV)

“Let the deacons be the husbands of one wife, ruling their children and their own houses well.” – I Timothy 3:12 (KJV)

“Let not a widow be taken into the number under threescore years old, having been the wife of one man.” – I Timothy 5:9 (KJV)

But this does not have to be the end of your life, but rather a new beginning and imagine the impact and spot light you could bring to sexual denial in marriage – something that is far too often ignored in our churches today.

This situation could be used for God’s glory

I know it does not seem like it now and you might be wondering – “How could God possibly get any glory from this horrible situation?”

If your wife repents and changes her ways – if she truly realizes how she was not being the help meet to you that God meant her to be you could use this to show other women how to be better help meets to their husbands by meeting their sexual needs.  Your wife could teach women’s classes and share her story and how God changed her life.

I know that many would disagree with me about this – but I believe if your wife remains in sinful rebellion that you need to let your Church know why you are getting divorced.  Do you realize as a minister how much impact this could have? I have no doubt there are other men in your church that face this issue and they do not know how to confront it.  In fact you could end up being an influence on many Christian men in other churches in the area.

You could literally ignite a spiritual fire in your church and perhaps other churches in the area for men to stand up and lead in their homes in this all important area of sexuality.

I hope this will be of some encouragement to you as you seek the Lord’s guidance.