In Defense of Roy Moore

Roy Moore is not the first man to be falsely accused of sexual assault by a woman.  Thousands of years ago another Godly man named Joseph was falsely accused by his Master’s wife of sexually assaulting her as we read in the Genesis account below:

“6 And he left all that he had in Joseph’s hand; and he knew not ought he had, save the bread which he did eat. And Joseph was a goodly person, and well favoured.

7 And it came to pass after these things, that his master’s wife cast her eyes upon Joseph; and she said, Lie with me. 8 But he refused, and said unto his master’s wife, Behold, my master wotteth not what is with me in the house, and he hath committed all that he hath to my hand;

9 There is none greater in this house than I; neither hath he kept back any thing from me but thee, because thou art his wife: how then can I do this great wickedness, and sin against God? 10 And it came to pass, as she spake to Joseph day by day, that he hearkened not unto her, to lie by her, or to be with her.

11 And it came to pass about this time, that Joseph went into the house to do his business; and there was none of the men of the house there within. 12 And she caught him by his garment, saying, Lie with me: and he left his garment in her hand, and fled, and got him out.

13 And it came to pass, when she saw that he had left his garment in her hand, and was fled forth, 14 That she called unto the men of her house, and spake unto them, saying, See, he hath brought in an Hebrew unto us to mock us; he came in unto me to lie with me, and I cried with a loud voice:

15 And it came to pass, when he heard that I lifted up my voice and cried, that he left his garment with me, and fled, and got him out. 16 And she laid up his garment by her, until his lord came home.

17 And she spake unto him according to these words, saying, The Hebrew servant, which thou hast brought unto us, came in unto me to mock me:

18 And it came to pass, as I lifted up my voice and cried, that he left his garment with me, and fled out.

19 And it came to pass, when his master heard the words of his wife, which she spake unto him, saying, After this manner did thy servant to me; that his wrath was kindled.

20 And Joseph’s master took him, and put him into the prison, a place where the king’s prisoners were bound: and he was there in the prison.”

Genesis 39: 6-20 (KJV)

So as we can see from this story women do falsely accuse good men of sexual assault.

In a previous post I took on the issue of Judge Roy Moore dating teenage girls while he was in his early thirties.  I showed from the Scriptures that an older man looking to court younger women was not sinful or wrong by Biblical standards.

In this followup article I want to address the accusations against Judge Moore as to whether I believe they should be believed.

First let me say in relation to Roy Moore dating girls in their teens (with their parents consent) he has stumbled greatly in his answers.  I think this is because he knows how politically incorrect it was. I think he should come forward and just set the record straight that he dated teenage girls while in his thirties with their parent’s consent.  There was nothing wrong with him doing that.

Judge Moore wanted a wife who was around 15 years younger than him.  Eventually he married a woman when he was 38 and she was 24(so 14 years younger than him).  There was nothing wrong with a man wanting this. And I know some will respond that “there is a big difference between a 38 year old marrying a 24 year old and a 30 year old dating a 14 year old”.  The only difference is in the way our sinful feminist culture looks on it.  See my previous article “Was Roy Moore violating Biblical commands in dating teenage girls?”

The biggest problem with the accusations against Roy Moore is not just that it took almost four decades for his accusers to come forward with these accusations.  I accept the premise that it is hard for women to talk about sexual assault because of feelings of shame or fear of a person in power. I can even accept that a woman might have held on to this for decades and only feels free to discuss it when she sees other women come out against the man who sexually assaulted her.

But in my view there is a huge glaring problem that is missed in all of this that makes me doubt the credibility of his five accusers.  If a man is a sexual predator it NEVER STOPS.  Once a predator, always a predator.  They cannot help themselves – it is a compulsion for them.

If we look at the Harvey Weinstein and Kevin Spacey sexual assault allegations you have accusers spanning decades and even in the last couple of years.  They don’t stop. But when you have an isolated few years that a person was supposedly a sexual predator and then all of a sudden there is no one for the rest of their life this does not pass the smell test.

Now I am willing to admit that if they can show a pattern over his entire career of women accusing him of molestation and they can show even women over the past few years that come out then I will reconsider the allegations against Roy Moore.  But if they can only show women during that limited time period than this will not be enough to convince me that Roy Moore is a sexual predator.

Women never falsely accuse men of sexual assault?

There are two things we must accept about sexual assault.  The first is that men have been sexually assaulting women since the fall of man in the Garden of Eden.  Does that mean all men? Of course not.  Does it even mean most men? Of course not.  But there has always been a segment of men that were sexual predators.  Most Christians would agree to what I just said.

But what we forget is there are two sides of that coin. While there have always been a segment of men that were sexual predators there has also always been a segment of women that have falsely accused men of sexual assault.

Our country has gone from one extreme to another when it comes to sexual assault.  There was a time when women would hardly ever be believed about sexual assault.  But now we have gone to the other extreme where as a society many in our culture will not even entertain the idea that women actually do bring false accusations of sexual assault against men.

God condemns sex outside of marriage (which would include rape and sexual molestation) AND being a false witness. As we can see from the story of Joseph in the Bible, false accusations have been going on just as long as actual sexual assault.  We cannot acknowledge the reality of the one while ignoring the reality of the other.

5 Reasons women falsely accuse men of sexual assault

Women have been using sex as a way to manipulate men from the time of the fall. Whether it is through actual sexual relations with them or falsely accusing those of illicit sexual relations women have used sex to gain get what they want.

Here are 5 reasons women falsely accuse men of sexual assault:

  1. To hurt his reputation for personal reasons(they don’t like him or he offended them in some way)
  2. To manipulate him into doing what they want. They might want sex as with Joseph and Potiphar’s wife. They might want him to give them money or some position. It might be about child custody or other divorce issues.
  3. They are being paid by a third party to hurt his reputation for other reasons.
  4. If the person is famous, they want their moment in the spotlight.
  5. They are mentally ill.

Are those accused of sexual assault guilty until proven innocent?

One America’s most famous founding fathers, Benjamin Franklin, once stated:

“That it is better 100 guilty Persons should escape than that one innocent Person should suffer, is a Maxim that has been long and generally approved.” [1]

This concept of “innocent until proven guilty” was enshrined into the American legal system by America’s founders.  This concept of innocent until proven guilty is actually firmly rooted in moral law in the Bible:

“15 One witness shall not rise up against a man for any iniquity, or for any sin, in any sin that he sinneth: at the mouth of two witnesses, or at the mouth of three witnesses, shall the matter be established.

16 If a false witness rise up against any man to testify against him that which is wrong; 17 Then both the men, between whom the controversy is, shall stand before the Lord, before the priests and the judges, which shall be in those days;

18 And the judges shall make diligent inquisition: and, behold, if the witness be a false witness, and hath testified falsely against his brother; 19 Then shall ye do unto him, as he had thought to have done unto his brother: so shalt thou put the evil away from among you.

20 And those which remain shall hear, and fear, and shall henceforth commit no more any such evil among you.”

Deuteronomy 19:15-20 (KJV)

If you look at the passage above we see that God requires multiple witnesses and never just one to any crime.  The fact that 5 women have come out against Judge Moore does not meet this threshold. These are 5 separate crimes he is accused of. Each crime only has one witness who is both the accuser and supposed victim.

By both Biblical principles of justice as well as America’s founding principles of justice Judge Moore must be declared innocent of these crimes unless there are witnesses to these crimes.

I want you to notice one more thing about the passage from Deuteronomy 19:15-20 that I just cited.  Do you notice how hard God was on someone being a false witness? He actually ordered that whatever punishment would have happened to the person they falsely accused should be done to them.  Imagine if we sent false witnesses to jail for as long as those they falsely accused?

The sad reality is that in recent decades this foundational principle of the American Republic has come under assault especially in the area of sex related crimes.

Many years back I was speaking with a lawyer who attended my church. I will just say that he was more liberal than the average person in our church but he and I used to have interesting conversations with me taking the more conservative position and him taking the more liberal position.

I asked him about sexual assault and the concept of “innocent until proven guilty”.  I threw out a question to him.  I said “Would you agree that the American legal system treats sex crimes differently than almost any other type of crime?” and he replied “what do you mean?”

I said “It appears to me that in our system of justice if you are accused of any type of sexually related crime you are considered guilty and must prove your innocence – would you agree with what I just said as a lawyer?”  His answer was “for the most part the answer is yes.”  I was shocked by his answer.  But he followed up that answer with something more disturbing.

He stated “I believe it is right to be that way.  Unlike other types of crimes such as murder or theft it often extremely difficult for the victim of sexual assault to prove it ever happened. Except for in the case of actual bodily fluids or hairs or skin under the finger nails such as in the case of rape you can’t always prove sex crimes.  For instance you can’t prove if a man just gropes or fondles a woman.   So I believe the law is right to put the burden of proof on the person being accused to show their innocence.”

He told me what made him believe as he did.  It was not adult women being assaulted by men.  It was the fact of child molestation that brought him to that position.   He said “children cannot defend themselves and often they cannot prove molestation and the state should put the burden on the adult who molested the child to prove their innocence.”  Eventually he realized if this applied to children who were victims of sexual assault then it must equally apply to adults that were victims of sexual assault.

All I can say is I was dumb founded by his answer. But the scary part is there are millions of Americans who want to make this exception to our country’s judicial principle of innocent until proven guilty.

So in essence when it pertains to sexual assault we have reversed Benjamin Franklin’s famous axiom and our culture is now willing to destroy the lives and reputations of or even incarcerate 100 innocent men rather than let one sexual assault go unpunished.

Conclusion

The fact is there are many crimes including murder, assault and theft that go unpunished.  This will always be the case because we are not God and we cannot be everywhere and see everything.  This sadly means that some victims of sexual assault whether it be rape or molestation will never see their perpetrators punished for the crimes they have committed.

But we cannot as a society do what the Bible warns against and “do evil, that good may come” (Romans 3:8).

Until I see multiple witnesses and a pattern of behavior over his entire life I will not believe these accusations against Judge Moore.  I believe he is threat to the establishment and both the Democrats and Republican establishment are trying to get this man out.  I hope he fights and stays in till the end.

If good men continue to bow out of politics because of false sexual assault allegations then we will not only loose in elections, but we will also loose justice in this nation.

References:

[1] BENJAMIN FRANKLIN, letter to Benjamin Vaughan, March 14, 1785.—The Writings of Benjamin Franklin, ed. Albert H. Smyth, vol. 9, p. 293 (1906)

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It could be a hate crime in Canada to use wrong gender pronoun

Calling someone by the wrong gender could now become a hate crime in Canada.  The protection of gender identity is now being compared to the protection of freedom of religion by proponents of the new legislation.

Here is some of the story as reported by the Daily Caller:

“Canada passed a law Thursday making it illegal to use the wrong gender pronouns. Critics say that Canadians who do not subscribe to progressive gender theory could be accused of hate crimes, jailed, fined, and made to take anti-bias training…

“Proud that Bill C-16 has passed in the Senate,” said Jody Wilson-Raybould, the country’s attorney general and minister of justice. “All Canadians should feel #FreeToBeMe.”

 “[There’s an argument] that transgender identity is too subjective a concept to be enshrined in law because it is defined as an individual’s deeply felt internal experience of gender,” said Grant Mitchell, a conservative senator, in November 2016. “Yet we, of course, accept outright that no one can discriminate on the basis of religion, and that too is clearly a very deeply subjective and personal feeling.”

So this is the point we have come to now? Comparing gender identity to religious freedom?

So if I believe I am a girl even though I was born with a man’s body I can now call it my religion to believe I am something I am not and force the world to go along with my mental disorder? And yes that is exactly what homosexuality and transgenderism is – it is a mental disorder. Let us remember that up until the 70’s and 80’s homosexuality and transgenderism were RIGHTLY labeled as mental disorders by the main stream American medical establishment.

It is absolutely crazy what our world is coming too. Whether it be homosexual or transgender so-called “rights” or the homosexual or transgender agenda we are giving away our freedoms more and more as a society.  We have been doing this for decades and now we are reaping the consequences.

The Word of God clearly states “male and female created he them”(Genesis 1:27) and it tells us what homosexuals and transgenders do is “against nature“(Romans 1:26) and “unseemly“(Romans 1:27).    God did NOT create homosexuality or transgenderism and we must continue to preach that these behaviors are corruptions of his perfect design.

Many who fight to force our nations to accept the homosexual and transgender agendas are fighting to force us to accept what is against nature as God designed it. And unlike the Civil Rights movement which was about race, this is about behavior.  It is about forcing people to accept and validate behavior which violates their deepest religious beliefs as well as their own sense of the natural world.

And unlike the Civil rights movement of the 60’s(which had its own problems) this is one the progressives will not win.  Men have died for their faith for centuries before the homosexual and transgender movements of the modern era. If Christians are being put in hand cuffs over speech against homosexuality and transgenderism or failure to fully embrace it the progressives will awake a sleeping giant.  Even those who are more secular and don’t have a religious beef with homosexuals and transgenders will begin to turn against them when Christians are locked up for their faith.

It is one thing to say you want to be free to be a homosexual or transgender – most Americans will accept giving you that freedom now.

But you are not free to force anyone to validate your behavior which they find to be immoral.   You are not “free” to make them make your wedding cake or cater your gay wedding.  You are not “free” to make them take of photos of your gay pride event.  You are not “free” to make them design your gay website. You are not “free” to make Christian adoption organizations adopt to gay couples.

In other words, You are not “free” to force us to violate our Christian faith by making us validate your immoral behavior.

On these principles, most Americans will agree whether they are Christian or non-Christian.  Once Christians start being prosecuted regularly for supposed “hate crimes” against homosexuals and transgenders for simply not participating in events that honor or promote homosexuality or transgenderism this nation’s acceptance and embrace of homosexuality and transgenderism will fracture.

Biblical Gender Roles now available on Audio!

I have received a lot of requests to provide audio versions of my you tube videos in mp3 format so people can listen on their devices rather than having to use a computer with YouTube.

There is now a new section in the top menu of this site called “Download Biblical Gender Roles Audio“.  You can click on that link to see the first two episodes converted to mp3 format.  Hopefully I can get the third episode out soon.  Been working on some regular blog posts and then I will come back to YouTube and the mp3s.

 

Should men hide their wife’s beauty?

Standing girl in checked dress. Isolated with clipping path

Back in 2014 I wrote an article entitled “Does God want a wife’s beauty hidden from world?” where I talked about the Bible view of a man allowing or disallowing his wife to display her beauty.  It is has become one of the most popular pages on my site since that time.

I decided to do a major revision on the section that provides the introduction “Does the Bible say a woman’s beauty belongs to her husband?“. I really felt it was important to explain better why a woman’s beauty belongs to her husband because of the fact that a husband’s ownership of his wife mirrors Christ’s ownership of his Church.

I wanted to convey the Biblical thought that just as Christ has the right to present his Church to himself in a way that pleases him – so too husbands have a God given right to mold and shape their wives to present their wives to themselves in a way that is beautiful to them.

With that being said you can check out the revised version of the article here.

How to train your wife not to be jealous

Do you have a Christian wife whose jealous behaviors drive you nuts as a Christian husband? Does she want to know your every move? Does she need to know about every phone call you make? Does she need to know the password for your computer or the electronic devices? Is she jealous of any time you spend with your guy friends or perhaps she is even jealous of time you spend with your children?

If this is the case with your wife, then you may have the first type of jealous wife which is a possessive jealous wife.

But then there is a second type of jealous wife. This the wife who constantly compares how you treat her with how her friends are treated by their husbands.  Perhaps she even compares you to couples on TV and how the husband’s treat their wives. Her comparisons may be about words of affection, or gifts or going places together.

If this is the case with your wife, then you have the second type of jealous wife which is an envious jealous wife.

But aren’t some kinds of jealousy from a wife a good thing?

Jealousy is a bit like anger.  It is often what we do with these feelings that makes them sin or not sin.  However, there are some things we have no right to be angry over and there are some things we have no right to be jealous over.  The Bible tells us that we must compare every thought and feeling we have against the knowledge of God and make it obedient unto Christ.

“Casting down imaginations, and every high thing that exalteth itself against the knowledge of God, and bringing into captivity every thought to the obedience of Christ;”

2 Corinthians 10:5 (KJV)

There is actually only one type of jealousy felt by wives toward their husbands that we see is accepted by God and actually can be a force to motivate a wife to be a better wife and that is the envious type of jealousy.  But before you get confused and think I am saying the behavior of the envious jealous wife in my example above is acceptable before God please know I am not saying that at all.

“But I say, Did not Israel know? First Moses saith, I will provoke you to jealousy by them that are no people, and by a foolish nation I will anger you.”

Romans 10:19 (KJV)

God actually took a new bride, the church, in order to make his first wife Israel jealous. God had warned his first wife, he rebuked her and called her to come back to him, he disciplined her and finally had to divorce her (Jeremiah 3:8).  But he still loved her.

The type of jealousy that God was trying to provoke in Israel was not a possessive jealousy because in God’s design of marriage a wife never possesses her husband, but rather he possesses her.  Rather God was trying to prove an envious jealousy in his former wife Israel when she witnessed the affection that God lavished on his new bride – the Church. The Bible tell us that in the future this final act of God to provoke his first wife to jealousy will work and the nation of Israel will return to him (Romans 11:26).

If a wife uses her envious jealousy to make herself a better wife so that she may earn more affection from her husband, then there is no sin in that.  But if she allows her envious jealousy to make her bitter toward her husband for him not showing her certain types of affection or giving her certain things she desires then she has allowed her jealousy to cause sin in her life rather than good.

Wives are forbidden from having possessive jealousy toward their husbands

In the last couple sections, I talked about the fact that the only type of jealousy God allows from wives and even sometimes encourages from wives toward their husbands is the envious type of jealousy.  If only envious jealousy is allowed for wives and even then it must be channeled for self-improvement, not bitterness this then leaves out possessive jealousy.

God actually prescribed a test for husbands when they felt jealous toward their wives in Numbers 5:12-31.  There are many non-believers and even some Christians today who mock this passage as some sort of “Biblical voodoo” but make no mistake those who do so attack the very integrity of the Word of God. While it is impossible for Christian husbands to practice this today as the Old Testament priesthood has been done away with and Christ is now our new high priest and the law has been changed (Hebrews 7:12), it does prove the point that God allows for men to be possessively jealous of their wives.  Can men sometimes be too possessive of their wives? Yes but that is a topic for another post.

But while God prescribed a test for husbands who felt jealous toward their wives if they felt they were being unfaithful to them – God prescribed no such test for wives who felt jealous toward their husbands.  Why? Because in God’s design a wife does not possess or own her husband but rather the husband exclusively owns and possesses his wife.

“Thou shalt not covet thy neighbour’s house, thou shalt not covet thy neighbour’s wife, nor his manservant, nor his maidservant, nor his ox, nor his ass, nor any thing that is thy neighbour’s.”

Exodus 20:17 (KJV)

The English translation of Proverbs 31 masks the ownership of the husband over the wife.  The word that is translated as “husband” in Proverbs 31 is not the normal Hebrew word for husband but rather it is the same word used for owners of slaves and livestock:

“10 Who can find a virtuous woman? for her price is far above rubies. 11 The heart of her husband (lit. Owner) doth safely trust in her, so that he shall have no need of spoil.”

Proverbs 31:10-11 (KJV)

For more on the topic of husband’s owning their wives and children and the treatment of human property in the Bible see my article “Does the Bible teach the concept of human property?

The reason that a husband owns his wife as well as the reason for the Bible calling for the subjection of women to their husbands is because the husband/wife relationship was designed by God as a symbol of the relationship between himself and his people.

“23 For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the saviour of the body. 24 Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing.”

Ephesians 5:23-24 (KJV)

Does the Church own Christ or does Christ own the Church? The answer to that question is the same answer as to if a husband owns his wife. This is why we see a bride price being paid for women to their father’s throughout the Bible.  The transfer of a daughter from her father to her husband was a property exchange.   Is this entire concept of men owning their wives and children offensive to our modern egalitarian views? Of course it is. But it is the God’s design according the Word of God.

But it is for the reasons I have just shown that a wife is absolutely forbidden from having or acting on a possessive jealousy toward her husband.  Her husband does not belong to her but rather she belongs to him and he belongs to God.  When a wife allows herself or is allowed by her husband to act in a possessively jealous way toward her husband this breaks the symbolism and roles in marriage which God designed.

Ways to train your wife in regard to her jealousy

Step #1 – Correct her possessive jealousy toward your thoughts

Women are usually far worse about this than men although there are some overly possessive men that are bad in this area.  But many wives want to know or possess every thought in their husband’s head.  They do not have a right to possess these thoughts of their husband.

If you want to share your thoughts with your wife, then you can.  If you don’t wish to then tell her you do not wish to.  She has no right to your thoughts.  Even with husbands I have mentioned that while the husband role has the most power of any human authority God did not give husbands the ability to read their wives’ minds or the power to compel their thoughts.

As Christians we are required to be “bringing into captivity every thought to the obedience of Christ”, rather than making our every thought captive to our spouse, parent or other human authority. Husbands have authority over their wives’ words and actions, not their thoughts. God is the only one who knows our thoughts and can command our thoughts.

Step #2 – Correct her possessive jealousy toward your time

The Bible requires husbands in regard to their wives to “dwell with them according to knowledge” (I Peter 3:7) and this certainly would require a husband spending some time with his wife and talking to his wife. You can’t know your wife’s heart, her needs, her concerns without spending some time with her.

However, you as her husband and the head of your home are the determiner of when you spend time with your wife.  You might have to travel for work or even if you don’t travel you may have to work a lot of hours locally. You need to spend time with your children and you should set aside some alone time for yourself as this is a healthy thing to do.

But what you need to emphasize to your wife is that yes you recognize that you need to set aside some time to spend with her, but she does not possess your time and it is your discretion as to when you will spend your time with her.

Step #3 – Correct her possessive jealousy regarding other women

The position I take based on my understanding of the Scriptures on this particular type of jealousy is going to be the most controversial and it where I will spend the most time on this topic.  Most Christian preachers and teachers today will teach that wives have a God given right to be possessively jealous toward their husbands regarding other women.  They teach this based on these beliefs:

  1. Polygamy was a corruption of God’s design for marriage. So if a woman’s husband has any sexual thoughts about other women, or enjoys visually taking in the view of other women or if he desires to marry a woman as an additional wife this is not based on a God given desire but it comes from his sin nature.
  2. Because they believe man’s polygamous nature is a corruption and not by design they believe all his sexual thoughts and energy must be solely directed at one woman – his one and only wife.
  3. While many Christian teachers believe the first two points I have just given on this third point they will disagree. If a man’s desire toward a variety of women (polygamous desire) is a corruption of God’s design of his sexual nature, then does his wife have the right to confront him and force him to focus all this sexual thoughts and energy on her? Those who believe a wife has the power to confront and rebuke her husband’s sin will say yes.  Those who believe a wife has no such power will say she must pray for her husband and leave him to the Lord.

But regardless of whether they embrace all three beliefs most Christian teachers will maintain that a wife’s possessive jealousy toward her husband is justified because she is simply reacting to her husband’s violation of God’s design of marriage.  They just disagree on what she can do based on that jealousy.

But these beliefs in the justification for wife’s possessive jealousy toward their husbands in regard to other women do so in defiance of the Scriptures.

To reject the polygamous design of man is to reject the weight of the Scriptures

The three most common arguments that anti-polygamy advocates attempt to use to support their belief that polygamy is a corruption of God’s design of marriage and sexuality are:

“God only gave Adam one wife in the garden of Eden, not many” (Genesis 2:21-24)

“God says a pastor must be the husband of one wife” (I Timothy 3:2)

“Look at all the jealousy that was caused between wives because of polygamy” (Genesis 29 & 30)

The first argument is faulty based on rules of Scriptural interpretation.

Whenever we are trying under God’s will on any subject we need to follow certain rules.  The New Testament interprets the Old Testament, commands outweigh examples and the weight of Scripture interprets Scripture. The anti-polygamy stance of the modern Christian church is a violation of the last two rules.

Anti-polygamists give us the example of God only making one wife for Adam as proof that polygamy is against his design yet they ignore examples of God saying he gave David his Saul’s wives (2 Samuel 12:8) and the example of God picturing himself as a polygamist husband to two wives two passages of Scripture (Ezekiel 23:2-4 & Romans 10:19).

So right there we have examples that God does in fact allow polygamy.  But the evidence does not stop there. Rather than just example we actually have a direct command from God allowing men to take other wives as long as they care for their first wives (Exodus 21:10-11).

The second argument regarding the qualifications for bishops is faulty as well. God’s restriction on pastor’s having one wife is not worded as a condemnation of polygamy or a change in God’s position on polygamy. If it is referring to a restriction against polygamy, then it is a restriction for pastor’s only just as priests in the Old testament had stricter marriage rules than other men (Leviticus 21:14).  It could just as easily be referring to the fact that a Pastor must not have divorced any of his wives as there is similar wording for widows serving in the church that they had to have “been the wife of one man” and this was referring to divorce.

The third argument regarding jealousy is perhaps the weakest of the three arguments against polygamy. It assumes that the jealousy of these wives toward each other and their husband lay at the feet of the practice of polygamy. Often the story of Rachel and Leah from Genesis 29 & 30 is one example of jealous wives that anti-polygamists use.

The funny thing is this story if you examine it closely actually works against anti-polygamists.  In this story we have Jacob who is madly in love with Rachel yet he tricked into marrying her older sister Leah who is less attractive first. God sees after he marries Rachel that Jacob is not showing the love for Leah that he should so makes her fertile and he makes Rachel barren. Leah has an envious jealousy toward Rachel and she tries to have as many children as she can for Jacob so that maybe he will show her the affection she so desires.

Eventually Leah does something that would make modern women today cringe.  She actually gives her husband her servant girl as a wife and God actually rewards her for it by giving her another son.

“And Leah said, God hath given me my hire[or reward], because I have given my maiden to my husband: and she called his name Issachar.”

Genesis 30:18 (KJV)

But anti-polygamists would have us to dismiss all these Biblical examples of God condoning polygamy and his express command allowing it based on their arguments from the creation example, the qualifications for a pastor and the fact of jealous wives.

The fact is God designed men with the capacity and desire to have multiple wives in the same way he designed women with the capacity and desire to have multiple children.  Until the Roman empire outlawed polygamy after the time of Christ society did not condemn men desiring multiple wives. And until the dawn of the feminist movement over a century ago society did not condemn women for desiring multiple children.   Now society condemns both.  But God’s design has not changed.

For more on the discussion of polygamy see my series “Why polygamy is not unbiblical” as well as my article “Was polygamy a sin God overlooked in the Old Testament?”.

So how do you as husband confront this type of possessive jealousy in your wife?

First you need to teach your wife the Word of God.  Take her through the Scriptures I have mentioned here regarding the polygamous nature of man. Let’s face it – most men in our culture will never be able to actually marry multiple wives both because of economic reasons and the societal taboos against it.  And yes, polygamy has been made illegal but the governments of man have no business in an institution that God created.  Laws against having multiple wives are about as valid as laws against having multiple children(China). Yes, we are to obey man’s laws as long as his law does go into areas God did not give the government power over (examples would be marriage, family and the church).

But regardless of whether or not your wife accepts the evidence from Scripture that God created you as a man with a polygamous capacity and nature she must accept that she is not your head and you are not accountable to her but to God.  If she disagrees she must accept the disagreement and agree not to hound, you about enjoying the beauty of other women.  Now as anyone who has read my posts on polygamy and sexuality knows I am not talking about men gawking at women everywhere they go.  That is rude. I am talking about me taking tasteful glances of beautiful women.

Step #4– Help your wife channel her jealousy into a positive force for change

Previously I had mentioned that a woman’s jealousy can actually be a positive force.  In this last step I want to elaborate on that with examples. Now I purposefully had to hold this step for last because I needed to discuss the polygamous nature of men in step 3 first.

This last step I am going to write in a way that you could present it directly to your wife.  Even if your wife rejects the Scriptures I have shown proving the polygamous nature of man I believe she still could channel her jealous energy into these steps and she may find that you look at other women less if she is constantly getting your attention in other positive ways. So with that being said here is a list you can give your wife with ways for her to channel her jealous energy into positive actions.

  1. If you see that your husband seems to be looking at red heads the perhaps dye your hair red.
  2. If you see that your husband seems to like a certain type of blouse or skirt on a woman, then go and buy a blouse and skirt similar to that.
  3. If you see your husband looking at women that are thinner than you then you have to ask this question – “Am I way overweight compared to when he met me?” Now obviously with having children and age women gain weight and some of it is almost impossible to lose and you have to recognize your limitations. Maybe you will never be the weight you once were but have you given up? Have you lost as much weight as you can for your age and body type? So instead of being angry at your husband for looking at women that are less overweight perhaps you can channel that jealous energy into losing weight.
  4. If you are walking through the mall and you see your husband glance at a couple of women in their early 20’s and you are mom of 4 in your mid 30’s how do you compete with that? The answer is you don’t. You will never be that young again. But you have something those women do not have. You have experience. You have a history with your husband and that counts for something. I believe Christian wives should have sexy selfies standing by.  Maybe your husband glances at a few young women and instead of getting mad you send him a selfie from your personal library with a sexy note about what he has to look forward to when he gets home.
  5. And here is the toughest and most controversial one of all. According to a survey taken in 2014 as reported on in the Washington Times “79 percent between the ages of 18 and 30 said they watch pornography at least monthly, while 29 percent of them said they view it daily.” So if you are married to man 30 or under there is almost an 80 percent chance that he is looking at some kind of porn (whether softcore or hardcore) on a monthly basis. So the question is whether you agree or disagree with this practice will you grow bitter and angry toward him and allow your pride to make you feel justified as so many women do today? Or will you channel your jealousy into more positive actions? If you catch your husband looking at porn why don’t you show him the real thing right there and then if possible? Or perhaps you might look at some porn yourself just to get an idea of different things you could do to spice things up in the bedroom.

Every one of these steps requires a woman to humble herself and realize that she does not possess her husband but instead he possesses her. God did not make him for her, but rather he made her for him (1 Corinthians 11:9).  It calls on her to put all of her pride and insecurities to death and for her to instead channel her jealous energy into positive things that will strengthen her husband’s affection for her rather than diminishing his affection for her.

Your wife can look at this list and even listen to all the other principles I have put here and choose one of two paths.

The path of pride

Your wife can choose the path of pride and allow her jealousy to grow into bitterness toward you as her husband.  She can comfort herself with this thought:

“I don’t have to change; I don’t have to compete for my husband’s affection.  He owes it to me no matter what I do! The way I look is the way I look – I am not changing a thing whether it is how I dress, how much I weigh or what I do for him sexually. He is supposed to be completely satisfied in whatever I do or don’t do.  He is supposed to be a one-woman man and that one woman is me!”

The path of humility

Your wife can choose the path of humility with this simple thought:

“My husband was not made for me, but I was made for him (1 Corinthians 11:9). God made his nature different than mine and I will accept it even if I don’t completely understand it. Whether I agree or disagree with all his actions my duty is to be the best wife to my husband that I can be according to I Peter 3:1-6. That means if I see my husband looking at other women whether it be as we go shopping in a store or him looking at images of women on his computer I am going to strive to channel my jealous energy into a positive force to bless my husband and I will do everything I can do to draw him closer to me and not push him away.”

Conclusion

There is good jealousy in wives and bad jealousy in wives.  Often times it comes down to how they channel their jealousy.   Will she channel her jealousy into being a better wife or will she allow it to cause bitterness in her heart? The choice is hers.

But this leaves us with the question of “What if my wife refuses to see that her actions based on her jealousy are not a positive force for change but a negative force that will tear the marriage apart?” This is a very real possibility. I am going to leave that question for my next article that this article is a prelude too.

I have mentioned porn in this article as well as some previous articles over the last year or so.  I have had many Christian men and women email me over the last year asking for a detailed answer to the question of porn use by believers.  I have been working on this article on and off for the past year writing it and rewriting it many times. I am hoping to publish it within the next week or so.

Sometimes “Sexual Interventions” are needed in a Christian marriage

“Been married two years and we are both Christian. Our marriage is good, outside the bedroom. We have no children. My wife consented to sex once in the last year and that was six months ago. She refuses any kind of counseling. We abstained prior to marriage and from the first day of our marriage, she has always avoided sex and never enjoyed it.”  – this came in as a comment from a Christian husband on my post “How a husband can enjoy sex that is grudgingly given by his wife”.

The man identifies himself as “M’s Husband”. This story actually is not technically a story of physical sexual denial, but one of emotional sexual denial. As I have said in some other posts – there are really two sins when it comes to sexual denial. The first sin is to physically deny your spouse sex. The second sin is when you give sex, but you give it grudgingly (with a bad attitude).

M’s Husband’s Story

“Been married two years and we are both Christian. Our marriage is good, outside the bedroom. We have no children. My wife consented to sex once in the last year and that was six months ago. She refuses any kind of counseling. We abstained prior to marriage and from the first day of our marriage, she has always avoided sex and never enjoyed it.

I came to the “end of my rope” this morning and after trying to be affectionate, asked her how long I need to wait. Her reply was that she never wants to have sex, ever. I told her, that was not an acceptable answer and something would have to be done. She then removed her clothes and lay on the bed, stiff as a board. She told me that it was her duty to submit and that I should make it quick and get it over fast. I backed off but after she got dressed, she kept telling me how I had my chance and I should not complain. She then gave me another chance and I took the offer. She was in a rage for the next two hours but the release felt good to me and it was something that I needed. I expect this to emerge as a pattern in our future.

I will always look to please her in and out of the bedroom, but if she refuses pleasure, I see no alternative. I will not engage in porn, adultery or anything sinful. I will not divorce her. Our marriage is good, outside the bedroom. I expect this to persist until, Lord willing, someday she may soften and accept the sexual pleasure and fulfillment that I will always offer.”

My Response to M’s Husband

I am so sorry to hear about the sexual dysfunction in your marriage.

You say that your “marriage is good, outside the bedroom”. But is it really?

When you have sexual frustration building up in the back of your mind how is that not going to bleed into your relationship “outside the bedroom”?

Sir – with all due respect you are only lying to yourself if you think your marriage is good outside the bedroom. At best you are simply suppressing your sexual needs to keep the peace and the illusion of a good relationship outside the bedroom.

A good marriage should be good inside the bedroom as well as outside the bedroom.

If a couple has great sex but has no relationship outside the bedroom that is not marriage as God intended it. But in the same way if a couple talks and seems to have a good relationship outside the bedroom but what happens inside the bedroom is ugly or dysfunctional then it cannot be said that this is a “good marriage” as God intended it to be.

When I wrote that post about “How a husband can enjoy sex that is grudgingly given by his wife” I made it very clear that this is not how God intends marriage to be. But because of sin this situation occurs where a husband has to sometimes accept grudgingly given sex by this wife.

I made the point there that we as husbands need to be making sure we are doing our part outside the bedroom to help cultivate that desire in our wives so things can be good inside the bedroom. But we cannot do our wives part. She must also do her part in cultivating her own desire toward you, you can’t do it all for her. She must be willing to go to counseling and explore why she has such a negative view of sex.

However some women have deep psychological and sin issues that have hardened their hearts where they do not have a healthy and right view of sex as God intended it.

Some Pastors and other Christian’s will tell you if you tried to get her to counseling and she refuses, then perhaps you will just have to accept a celibate life. They will tell you this is sacrificing yourself for your wife as Christ did his Church. This is “your cross to bear”.

Perhaps a few will even tell you that you need to just accept this grudgingly given sex by your wife as miserable as she is making it in order to avoid temptation, but beyond that there is nothing else you can do.

Many will tell you that “All you can do is pray for your wife that God will change her heart.”

By all means pray for your wife every day! Pray without ceasing! Pray for her and pray for yourself that God will protect you from temptation and from your heart becoming bitter toward your wife.

You said “I see no alternative”. Let me tell you my brother, there is an alternative. There is more that you can do.

A Sexual intervention is needed

You did the right thing, you suggested counseling to your wife but she has refused. When someone has a problem like this and they refuse counseling, that is when a sexual intervention is called for.

You need to have a sexual intervention for you wife with your Pastor and his wife. Go to your Pastor and explain the situation. If he is willing (and he should be), have him and his wife come out to your home one night. Do not tell your wife they are coming (that defeats the point of an intervention).

Explain to your Pastor and his wife in front of your wife the issues you are having with your wife’s attitude toward sex. Maybe your Pastor will ask you to leave your wife alone with him and his wife so they can speak privately with her and give her a chance to open up without you there.   Maybe your Pastor’s wife may need to take your wife alone to another room so they can talk woman to woman. Women sometimes respond to women much better than to men on these issues. This may simply be a wrong attitude toward sex, but it may be a result of some much deeper issues. Perhaps she was sexually abused as a child. Maybe her parents or her church made her feel that sex was dirty and evil.

Now if your Pastor and his wife are not able to break through to your wife and she stubbornly resists this intervention you need to take additional steps.

For the time being while your wife is still resisting any help you will have to accept the grudgingly given (but still consensual) sex that she gives you. Look away from her face as she displays her sinful attitude.

Do not let her sin cause you to sin. You may think you are strong, but if you allow yourself to go too long without at least physically connecting with your wife (even though she is emotionally still rejecting you) you will leave yourself open to dangerous temptation.

The Bible tells us one of the reasons we are to marry is to avoid sexual temptation:

“Nevertheless, to avoid fornication, let every man have his own wife, and let every woman have her own husband.” – I Corinthians 7:2 (KJV)

But you also need to look at what you are doing outside the bedroom. You said your marriage is good outside the bedroom. Do you spend a lot of time with your wife doing things together? Do you talk a lot? Does your wife work? Does your wife have expensive habits?

If you are meeting all your wife’s wants outside the bedroom, as opposed to her needs you may well be enabling your wife’s sinful attitude and behavior toward sex in your marriage.

As the leader of your home, and as a Christian husband God does not call you to sacrifice yourself to enable your wife’s sinful behavior, but rather he calls on you to sacrifice yourself for her holiness.

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her, so that He might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, that He might present to Himself the church in all her glory, having no spot or wrinkle or any such thing; but that she would be holy and blameless.” – Ephesians 5:25-27(NASB)

As a husband God wants you to unconditionally love your wife by providing for her needs, but he does not require you to unconditionally provide for her wants.

So if after an intervention attempt you see no change and no progress but a continued willful and defiant rebellion from your wife you have to stop meeting some of her wants (as opposed to her needs). Some will tell you this is you acting “petty” or “vindictive” toward your wife.

But it is not being petty or vindictive. It is called discipline. Your wife is not responsible for your behavior before God, but to a certain extent you are responsible to help shape and mold your wife’s behavior to the best of your ability.

Ultimately all you can do is start to remove some of her wants and see if she will make the right choice. Will she go and explore what has hardened her heart with a counselor or your Pastor’s wife? Or will she continue in rebellion in this area of sexuality in marriage? You cannot force her, she has to make the choice. All you can do is bring discipline into her life to attempt to persuade her to change course.

Once you have done all you can, then it is in God’s hands. But God wants you to do your part as the leader in your marriage.

I pray that God will give you the courage to “rock the boat” and confront this sin in your marriage. Do you realize that if your wife figures out what her road blocks are to sex it will benefit not just you but her as well? God designed sex to be a core part of marriage and a pleasurable part of marriage that should draw a couple closer. This is what you are fighting for.

When your wife finally does open up in counseling once she stops fighting it, there may be some issues revealed in that counseling that you as her husband need to work on. But you will never know until she finally breaks down the wall and opens her heart to God and to you.

May God be with you as you seek his will in this situation.

About me

I just did a well needed tune up on my About me page.

As a young man I was passionate about four areas of study – theology, history, human nature and computers.  My day job working in IT lets me exercise my love of technology and this site allows me to serve God by teaching others what I have learned from his Word, from history books and from human nature.

Many have asked what my educational background is.  I attended and graduated from a Protestant Christian high school. I also have some college training as well as certifications in various technical arenas.   I have taught Sunday school classes and during my first marriage filled my church’s pulpit when my Pastor was not available to preach.

While I do not have a degree in theology I have studied the Scriptures in high school and for most of my adult life(so about 25 years).  I have read through the entire Bible several times and I have memorized many portions of the Scripture.  While I was in college I studied the Greek and Hebrew languages but I do not claim to be a scholar in these areas….

Read the complete new About me page here.