“Should I start spanking my 40-year-old wife”? This is a question that I was recently asked by a Baptist preacher from Oregon named Robert.
Critics of the historic and Christian practice of wife-spanking often ask “Where does the Bible specifically command men to spank their wives?”. And sometimes I answer their question with another question – “‘Where does the Bible specifically command men not to mistreat their wives?”
Immediately they will respond with “Ephesians 5:25 says husbands should love their wives as Christ loves his church – and Christ would not mistreat his church.” To which I say Amen!
So we all agree as Christians that the standard for a husband’s treatment of his wife is how Christ treats his church right?
In Revelation 3:19, Christ after rebuking his churches said the following to them:
“As many as I love, I rebuke and chasten: be zealous therefore, and repent.”
Christ rebukes and chastens (disciplines) his wife, the church. And since husbands are called to emulate all the facets of Christ’s love for his church, this would require that husbands are also to discipline their wives out of love for their wives.
In most cases throughout the Bible chastening refers to physical, corporal punishment. And contrary to our modern thinking, physical discipline was not reserved only for children in the Bible. It was also used with adults as well. In other words, a man is not treating his wife as a child when he spanks her – but he is in fact treating her as his wife.
And speaking of children and discipline, one of the most glaring inconsistencies among conservative Christian critics of wife-spanking is their full acceptance of fathers spanking their daughters as children but their rejection of husbands spanking their wives as adults. How it is ok to spank a little girl, but not a grown woman? Is a grown woman weaker or stronger than a little girl? Does a woman’s bottom grow weaker and more frail when she becomes an adult?
The truth is that those oppose the spanking of wives cannot base their opposition on the fact that this may hurt the wife because to do so would undermine the corporal discipline of children which most conservative Christians support. The entire basis of their opposition to wife spanking is that it is somehow dishonorable to a wife for her husband to spank her.
In other words, it hurt’s a woman’s pride for a her husband to spank her.
But where do the Scriptures exempt women from the corporal discipline we see that men and children receive in the Bible? Where does the Bible say corporal discipline dishonors a woman? The answer is that we see no such exemption for women in the Bible.
Some critics of wife-spanking complain that we must have a specific instance of a woman being physically disciplined by her husband in the Bible to justify a husband spanking his wife. But we do not need specific examples of behaviors to justify behaviors. As long as a behavior does not violate any biblical principle or command then it is acceptable before God.
The burden of proof is on those who oppose wife-spanking to prove that the Bible forbids it, not those who choose to implement it based upon Biblical principles.
One final thought on the discipline of wives before we move on to Robert’s story and his questions. The fact that chastening is most often physical in the Bible does not require that men MUST physically discipline their wives. But it certainly provides a good example of how discipline can be implemented. And the truth is, despite humanist studies to the contrary, physical discipline is far more effective and leads to faster changes in behavior for both adults and children.
And now let’s move on to Robert’s story and his questions.
Robert’s Story
“I discovered your blog in August, and in the months following have become quite a fan. I am 45 years old, married to my 40-year-old wife who I’ll refer to as “M” in this email, with six children, all of whom we homeschool. I am a pastor at an Independent Fundamental Baptist church in Oregon.
I love M very deeply and believe that she is a very godly wife and mother. She is extremely devoted to serving God and to raising and educating our children in His word. She is generally respectful of my authority and accepting of her role. M has more contempt for the feminist movement than any other modern woman I have ever known, which I greatly admire. However, as with anyone there is always room for improvement, and on occasion we do run into conflicts.
My wife and I regularly use spanking as punishment for our children, usually with a paddle. I used to find the idea of a husband spanking his wife as a consequence horrifying, but over the last couple of years my views have shifted more in line with yours, that it is his right and his duty. I have not told my wife about my change in views or my following of your blog, or made any attempt to physically discipline her. On the occasions in which we have run into conflict or she has sinned, I have felt a very serious temptation to just grab her up and spank her, which would be very easy as she is a lot smaller than I am.
I’m of the strong belief that exercising this authority (physically disciplining M) would be a positive for our family and marriage, and is a responsibility of mine; but have felt awkward/nervous about bringing it up with her. I’m really not sure how she’d react. And as with any woman, I worry there’s a chance suggesting this might REALLY make her mad and cause possibly ongoing trouble for our relationship.
I fear that even if she was okay with the idea of getting spankings, that it would be hard to keep secret from our kids and her family. My in-laws (especially my mother-in-law) are already hostile to my religious faith and distrusting of me, and I know that if they found out something like this was going on in our marriage, they would lose their minds. Thankfully they live a ways away from here, but our kids take an annual trip to stay at their grandma’s each year and I fear that if any of my kids found out, one way or another it wouldn’t stay a secret to her family.
Do you have any advice on how I should approach this topic with M in a manner that is sensitive and minimizes the risk of freaking her out or offending her? And any advice on how to approach the topic with our children (or anyone else who finds out by accident) if it does ever get to that point?”
My Response to Robert
In my two podcasts on BGRLearning.com – “A Husband’s Guide to Implementing Christian Domestic Discipline” and “Husbands Questions About CDD Answered” I talk about the fact that women past their mid-20s often will not accept physical discipline (aka wife-spanking). The reason is that all human beings, both men and women, are far more moldable in their behavior and thinking in their late-teens and early 20s because the human brain does not finish developing until about 25.
And this is exactly why secularists (and sadly even many professing Christians) hate the idea of children being homeschooled and why they hate young marriage for women in their late teens. Because in these separated Christian homes – young women can be molded to fully accept male domination in their lives first via their fathers and later by their husbands. And humanists detest any person being conditioned to be controlled by others – this is one of the greatest sins in humanism.
I say all that to say that it will be difficult, by the simple fact of your wife’s age, for you to implement wife-spanking with her.
Also, it is not just age that is huge factor in a woman being receptive to wife spanking, but it is also their temperament and how they were raised. If she was raised with her father spanking her well into her teens then you might have a greater chance of success than if her father never spanked her or if he stopped spanking her before her teen years.
Another question you have to ask yourself is “Has my wife ever threatened to call the cops if I laid a hand on her?” or has she given you any indication that she buys into the modern narrative that a woman can never be forced to do anything against her will by her husband?
If after considering all these factors I have raised, you still believe your wife would be a good candidate to try wife-spanking with – then I would suggest you listen to my podcasts below where I give detailed instructions as to how you can begin to implement wife-spanking in your marriage. It is not something you just do; you must first lay a new spiritual foundation in your wife’s mind that will help to make her more receptive to CDD.
My podcasts on CDD will not only answer the most common questions about how to get started with CDD, but they also will raise and answer many questions you would not think of until after you start implementing domestic discipline.
Biblical Gender Roles 