Why would my husband marry me, yet still look at other women?

Many married women(especially young married women) wonder how their husbands can be attracted  to other women.   The reason is that most women are naturally monogamous in their sexual nature as God designed them to be, while men are naturally polygynous as God designed them.

I am thankful that God has used this ministry not only to encourage Christian wives about meeting their husband’s sexual needs – but it is also encouraging  to see women learning to respect how God designed man’s sexual nature very differently from their own.

I respond privately to emails like this all the time, but this woman unfortunately sent me a comment with no email address asking for help – so I hope she sees this post (and if she has any private questions – makes sure she includes her email that I can respond to).

She named herself “AdviceMePlease” and she wrote:

“I am glad I stumbled on this website. I learned some good points from your article how to respect my husband. My husband like it mentioned, is a visual creature too. I was unaware of guys being visual and it bothered me for a long time when he looked at other girls, or kept repeatedly watching the YouTube videos of his favorite actresses. I always wondered why he married me if he is into other women. (Silly me!) my question/problem is he keeps talking about the women he is impressed all the time with me and it makes me feel less. An intern at his work- there were days I had to hear first thing in the morning about her after we wake up, or first thing after he comes from work. Our pediatrician is very friendly with us and mostly him, and lately I hear about her atleast once a day. I tried not to get jealous but I am beginning to see that my husband likes girls who are funny, independent. He likes Asians alot :-p.”

This is my response to this Christian wife and other wives who may face this issue:

I am glad that you came to accept the visual and polygynous nature of your husband and the fact that is a natural and normal thing for him to look at and be attracted to other women.

But let me be clear – there is a difference between a man being visually wired and attracted to multiple women, and a man being flirtatious or promiscuous. I am not saying your husband is either of the last things I said – but I want to draw a very clear line there just so you know.  If you think he is being flirtatious, then you have every right as his wife to respectfully talk to him about that.  If you believe he is putting himself in positions with a woman at work(like working late all the time) or spending way too much alone time with her – then as his wife you have a right to be concerned and address that with him.

But if your only issue is that your husband looks at other women and is attracted to other women this is how I would address the issue with him. Tell your hubby how much you love him and respect him. Admit to him that you used to be bothered by the fact that he was attracted to other women and wondered why he married you if he was attracted to other women.

Then you realized that God made him different as man then you as a woman. You now understand how he can be attracted to other women, but still be attracted to you and he gives you something he is not giving any other woman – his love! But while you understand his nature, and understand he might talk about different women with the guys(which is totally normal), you would appreciate it if he did not talk about other women he is attracted to around you. It’s not that you think he is wrong for thinking they are beautiful, it is just that you as a woman don’t need to hear about other women he thinks are pretty.

I have had to have this conversation with some my male relatives when they talked about women around their young wives and the light bulb came on and they realized why they probably should not do that. Now some women are fine with this to a point – my wife is fine with me saying that I like certain actresses, but I would not tell her if I thought a woman at work was beautiful as that might make her worry(when she really has nothing to worry about).

I will close with this admonition to men that I have stated elsewhere on this site.  It is ok for you to look at and be attracted to women other than your wife.  While some women are ok with you talking about other women, many women are not.

Whatisgawking

It is not ok to gawk at women or do things that make your wife/mom/sister or other women around you uncomfortable.  It’s not ok to talk about women you think are hot or beautiful around your wife/mom/sister or other women who might be bothered by this.  Be a gentlemen, be discreet – keep the guy talk with the guys, and keep the looking to discreet glances.

 Picture Sources:

Photo #1 – Young man looking at young woman

Source: Courtney Carmody at https://www.flickr.com/photos/calamity_photography/4696806650/
Used under Creativecommons license 2.0 https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc-sa/2.0/

Photo #2 Older man looking at younger woman

Source: Fernando Coelho at https://www.flickr.com/photos/fernando_pc/7475293196/in/photolist-coyQes-638Yew-91fesx-JL9tU-4gNPg5-ccC611-bBVUk9-2dSBge-7CMS2B-dfiwJ-757hu8-81hK5f-deRLgk-5fZ3jt-gBahp-sEkxt-58oiXu-9t2EEB-bcqwBK-89Hsfx-gRHKK5-5fBfZd-5SAcxf-eit8Kp-iuBrUp-598VGv-oppDcJ-emDEJY-79SHWi-dfP72b-6C7qS1-8a3mZ1-qLUSE4-7GwEqC-8aCsdj-7ZRFTU-qX6pSE-qLUSgP-5SRxc5-8FJXCK-2dSCuV-bUUaqf-6neeDc-73NTs6-c9gzi7-c9gyY3-c9gyk9-iGV3Rn-87zscr-c9gAjA

Used under Creativecommons license 2.0 https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc-sa/2.0/

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How should Christian women respond to their men looking at other women? Part 3

Guylooking2

In part 1 of this series, we established that men look and many women get jealous, hurt or angry. In part 2 we established that man has a polygynous nature both from biology and from Biblical example. In this final part of this three part series, we will look at how a Christian woman should alter her responses based on this knowledge of the men in her life (sons, brothers, husbands).

I realize a lot of Christian women – mothers, wives, sisters and daughters are reading this with smoke coming out their ears. Let me try and set your mind at ease, the best that I can.

All whore-mongers look, but most lookers do not engage in whore-mongering.

For most men look they may have found discreet ways to do it over the years so that you won’t notice but make no mistake they still look.

The Christian men that don’t look do so either because they are asexual (not attracted to women or men), have homosexual tendencies (so there not looking at you ladies, but they are looking elsewhere) or they have had it drilled into their head since they were young that it is a sin for them to enjoy the site of beautiful women other than their wife after they are married.

This last group of Christian men have been “brainwashed” of sorts, to be at war continually with their God given nature to appreciate female beauty.

I hear and read all the time from women who have had experience with a whore-mongering husband and they say things like “It was because he was looking at other women, and I never put a stop to it”.

While it breaks the heart of God when any man engages in whore-mongering the truth is that he did not engage in whore-mongering simply because he allowed himself to look at and enjoy the beauty of other women. He engaged in whore-mongering because he allowed the sin of covetousness to grow and take root in his heart and then he acted on it.

Another thing I want to mention here is – I am not giving men a complete free pass, please read the ending section I have speaking to Christian men about this issue of looking at other women.

But before I get to the men, Christian wife – you have a decision to make.

Instead of having these attitudes toward your husband:

whatdoyouthinkyourlooking

WhyDoTheyHaveToLook

menarepigs

Christian wife – Perhaps you would consider having these attitudes instead:

WomanAcceptingGod'sDesign

“My husband was built by God with the capacity to be attracted to, and to love multiple women, but he has chosen to only have one wife and that is me. I have absolutely no right to be jealous of the fact that my husband finds other women attractive in addition to me. I won’t give him a hard time for enjoying the site of beautiful women around him, as long as he doesn’t purposefully make it obvious, or compare me to other women or flirt with them as he has taken a pledge to make me his one and only wife.

I realize that because I am his one and only wife – I need to work that much harder to meet his needs for visual beauty by keeping myself beautiful and dressing in ways that are attractive to him”

The old adage “Men marry women hoping they will never change, and women marry men hoping that they will” is just as true for Christian woman as it is for others. Will you accept your husband as God has made him? Or will you continue to put him in the box you would have him in?

Christian Moms and sisters – don’t shame your son’s for their natural masculine attraction to female beauty. You may never fully understand it, but you need to honor it in the same way that men should honor the feminine nature with which God has designed woman.

Instead allow their fathers to help them experience the beauty of their masculinity, within the bounds of God’s law. In the last section coming up, I will discuss what men (including fathers) need to understand about expressing, experiencing their God-given male sexuality in a proper way, that does not dishonor God or women.

A final note to the Christian men reading this

Young business man enjoying the fresh air on a sunny day

Yes it is completely natural, part of God’s original design for you to look. It is perfectly natural, normal and not sinful for you to be aroused by the site of beautiful women around you, and no that does not stop when you get married! Many men falsely think this to be the case, but not long after they are married(sometimes 5 minutes afterwards), a beautiful woman walks by and their head turns – they immediately turn it back and wonder “why did I just do that? I love my wife and she is so beautiful to me!” The reason brothers in Christ is, you have a polygynous nature.

Many men don’t even realize they have a polygynous nature, or they simply dismiss these instances as part of their sin nature, because they have been conditioned from an early age to do so. They have never looked at Scriptures closely, or questioned anything they have been taught.

So to you man who thought it was wrong to look at beautiful women, other than you wife, I invite you to check out and truly research the evidences I have provide for you here, both from a biological standpoint, as well as Biblical standpoint. If after that God has convinced you that what I am saying is right, that he has freed you from the shackles of feminism and Christian legalism, that the real war is against Covetousness, not your natural male attraction to beautiful women then you truly will have a whole new world opened to you.

Don’t go crazy guys!!!

The Scriptures tell us:

“All things are lawful for me, but not all things are profitable. All things are lawful for me, but I will not be mastered by anything.”

1 Corinthians 6:12(NASB)

What that means men is that while glancing at beautiful women may be natural for you, and give you pleasure, you have to make sure you are not mastered by this. Eating is something we are naturally driven to do as well, but we can eat too much, and too often, the same principle applies to our God-given male sexuality.

There is a difference between Glancing and Gawking

While I would say that woman are wrong for condemning men for taking discreet glances at other women, I would say men are equally wrong when they gawk at women. The classic seen of construction works whistling and saying obscenities to a random woman as she walks by is an example of unconstrained, uncontrolled male sexuality, and that does not honor God or women.

How we act when our women are present, and how we act when they are not should be different

I realize some Christians believe we ought to act the same at all times, and all places, and I understand where they are coming from. For instance, if I don’t swear on Sunday at Church, then I equally should not swear on Monday at work.

I am a Christian wherever I go, seven days a week, and that should be consistent. But the truth is, we all understand that certain things are appropriate at different times and places. The way a husband might talk to his wife when they are about to have sex, or during sex, and the way he may act in front of his children with her may be very different, and it should be different.

The same goes for men – when you are with a private group of guys and you happen to see a beautiful woman walk by – there is ABSOLUTELY NO SIN in you as men talking about how beautiful she is. But the difference between you and the construction worker example is – you are not whistling at her, or gawking at her and making her feel uncomfortable. You can “watch the game” and go over the instant replay after she is out of hearing distance. As long as you are not talking about trying to track that girl down, and have pre-marital sex with her, you are not lusting and you are NOT sinning.

The Apostle Paul wrote this very similar passage to first one I mentioned, later in the same book of I Corinthians:

“23 All things are lawful, but not all things are profitable. All things are lawful, but not all things edify. 24 let no one seek his own good, but that of his neighbor.

(I Corinthians 10:23-24(NASB)

Guys – if you are gawking at a woman, or making her feel uncomfortable by your staring, are you seeking her good, or your own?

Guys – if you are gawking at a woman, maybe even one that can’t see you gawking at her, but your mom, or your daughter, or your wife can see you do that – are you seeking their good, or your own?

So in conclusion guys, yes its natural for man to look and appreciate the beauty of women, but we must temper this natural desire by doing it in a discreet and appropriate way for the setting that we find ourselves in.

How should Christian women respond to their men looking at other women? Part 1

guybeingstoppedlooking

How should Christian moms respond to their son’s looking at girls? How should Christian women respond to their boyfriends looking at other women? How should Christian wives respond to their husbands looking at other women?

This is first of a three part series on this issue of men looking at other women, and how Christian women should respond to this. In this first part, I just want to setup the situation as it occurs, with a little bit of what is normally the conventional thoughts on it.  In the next two parts we will dive deeper in this issue.

Before we get into how a Christian woman should respond to this issue of men looking at other women, let’s examine how many women react when they catch their men looking at women.

whatdoyouthinkyourlooking

The mothering or jealous reaction

This response could either come from a position of jealousy, or of mothering.

The mothering reaction is not usually from a position of hurt or anger, but is more of a corrective reaction. If this woman is coming from the position of an actual mother with her son, she feels it her duty to keep her Christian sons from lusting after women, and this is the primary reason for her calling out her son’s looking at girls around him.

A Christian wife, can also have this “mothering” reaction. This woman typically does not have hatred for the male nature, and is relatively secure about how her husband feels towards her. She simply feels it her Christian duty as a wife, to keep her husband’s eyes off other women, because she believes for him to take pleasure from looking at any other woman is lust.

But this reaction could also be a jealous reaction. When it is, it is more of a controlling action. This is more of the “I am the only woman you are allowed to look at buster – and you can only look at me when I say so”.

WhyDoTheyHaveToLook

The insecure/hurt reaction

Typically this a reaction from a Christian wife or girlfriend, but it could also come from a Christian daughter.

A Christian daughter might have this reaction, when she sees her Dad look at another woman other than her mother. She thinks – “Does Dad not love mom anymore? Does Dad think mom is not beautiful anymore?” “Is my Dad going to cheat on my mom?”

The Christian girlfriend or wife may have this same hurt reaction toward her boyfriend or fiancé or her husband. She thinks – “Does he not love me anymore? Does he think I am not beautiful anymore?” “Is he going to leave me or cheat on me?”

menarepigs

The Misandrist Reaction (hater of male nature)

This is the angry and disgusted reaction that some women have toward men looking at other women.

The women believe many men are just scum! If men look at other women, they are or will become cheaters. They believe these men see women as simply sex objects for their viewing pleasure, and not as people.

NewsFlashMenLook

Many Christians (both men and women) would admit that it is natural for a man (and teen boys) to be drawn to beautiful women.

Teens and pre-teen boys look…

boylookingatwoman

Young men look…

Guylooking

Older men look…

mancaughtlooking3smaller

Even famous men look…

mancaughtlooking_smaller

But these same people would also admit that it is natural for a woman to be jealous when she catches her man glancing at an attractive woman. Other women who are not coming from the perspective of the wife or girlfriend, may just say this behavior “objectifies women” and they become angry when men look at them.

So we have reached a philosophical impasse – both behaviors are natural in each gender, yet they are contradictory to each other.

The commonly accepted answer in most Christian circles to this dilemma is that the man’s natural instinct to look at other women, even when he is in a committed relationship, or married is part of his sin nature. In Matthew 5:27-28(NASB) Christ says:

“You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall not commit adultery’; but I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lust for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart.”

So the Scriptures tell us that if a man lusts after a woman, he has committed adultery with her in his heart – pretty cut and dry right?

The general idea is, it is not wrong for him to be tempted to look, because temptation is not sin, the sin is if he gives in to his sinful nature(to look at any other women than the woman he is with).

The answer to this problem, we are told, is to train our men to look away when attractive women come by and presto! – Christian mothers, girlfriends, fiances and wives have nothing to be worried about or jealous of.

ProblemSolved

In second part of this three part series, we will look at this problem from a perspective that most Christian women (and many Christian men) may have never considered.

Click here to go to part two of this series

What if I don’t have an hour glass figure?

Bodyshapes-female

Millions of women ask themselves this question each and every day. Most studies show that men prefer women with an hour glass figure, and a 60 to 70% hip to waist ratio. Are women who don’t have an hour glass figure doomed to be single? What about middle aged women who used to have an hour glass figure when they were young but don’t anymore?

I am primarily writing this toward single women looking to find husbands.  But at the end of the post I will address this from the perspective of married women.

First full disclosure – I am a married man around 40 as I write this post. I think far too often women read articles from other women on this subject, but they don’t get the male perspective and I will try and provide an honest perspective here.

Do men really prefer the hour glass figure on a woman?

Yes men prefer the hour glass figure to the other body types. It is hard wired into us. If a man were to look at a series of pictures with woman’s body types as shown above, with just the body and not the face or neck shown the vast majority would choose the hour glass figure.

Is it only possible for petite women to have hour glass figures?

A common myth or misconception that women believe is that it is only possible for petite women to have hour glass figures.  The fact is that even large built women with a much larger amount of fat can actually be very attractive to many men.  Take Kim Kardashian as a woman that is certainly not petite but is considered very attractive and she has an hour glass figure.

Can a woman with love handles and extra weight still have an hour glass figure?

Yes! Just because a woman has a belly or or some love handles does not mean she can’t still have an hour glass figure.  The main point of an hour glass figure is to have that curve between the waist and the hips and between the breasts and hips.  Honestly most of us a men could care less about if a woman has love handles and a belly and far more if she has that essential curve between her breasts and hips.

What are the reasons that woman don’t have the curve of the hour glass figure?

The first reason some women just don’t have that curve between their breasts and their hips is because of genetics.  Some women just have a boxier figure closer to that of a man and it has nothing to do with being overweight.  Some women have a “pear” shape because they have very small breasts. There are some very slender women that just have an “apple” or “banana” figure as shown in the picture above.

But there is a second type of woman that has lost the curve between the bottom of her breasts and the top of her hips for one reason and one reason only. She has gained so much weight that she has essentially lost the natural curves of her body.  In essence she has either a boxy or oval shape as opposed to an hour glass shape because she over eats and does not exercise.

Will men date or marry a woman that does not have an hour glass figure?

So what if you have that apple shape, banana shape or pear shape – will men still want to date you? Absolutely! What if you have gained so much weight that you now have an oval or round shape and have lost your curves? Yep! There are still some men who will want to date you too.  You can see it every day around you. Young men, middle aged men and older men walking along side women that do NOT have hour glass figures. So right now you might be scratching your head. If men prefer the hour glass figure to the other body types, then why do we see them with women who do not have hour glass figures?

The reasons men date and marry women that do NOT have an hour glass figure

The first reason is we as guys understand that just like not all of us have broad shoulders and a muscular build so too not all women have an hour glass figure. Many of us guys are smart enough to realize we are bald, or have some extra weight ourselves.  Maybe we are super skinny and scrawny. But the point is that many of us as guys don’t exactly line up with all the physical features that women typically want either.

Another reason is that just because we think the hour glass shape is the most attractive figure, does not mean we can’t find women with other figures attractive.

Sometimes a woman may not have a very attractive form, but she may have something that is attractive on her, like beautiful breasts, beautiful legs or a beautiful face and for some men that is enough.

Sometimes a man will fall head over heels for a woman who would not seem very attractive to most people just because of her personality although this is rarer for men to do with women than for women to do with men(because of our visual natures).

What should women who don’t have hour glass figures do?

I think the Serenity Prayer is a good place to start:

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,

The courage to change the things I can,

And wisdom to know the difference.

There are some things about your body that you will never be able to change. Remember that while men find the hour glass figure the most beautiful, that does not mean other figures are not beautiful too.

If you have narrow hips or no hips, you can’t change that, it is how God made you. But maybe you have narrow hips but nice breasts – then you should play to your strengths and wear clothing that accentuates your breasts.

Maybe you are like many women that have very small breasts, but you have hips or legs, again accentuate your strengths.

What if I don’t have anything to work with?

First be sure you really don’t have anything to work with, most women are far more critical of their bodies then men actually are. Let me paint a worst case scenario. Let’s say you are a woman that has flat hips(as opposed to rounded), no curve at the waste, chicken legs(bony legs), no breasts, and no pretty face.

You still have something you can work with – your personality and your inner beauty.  But even then you need to make sure you wear nice clothes and keep yourself up.  You may not be able to change the outside, but you can certainly change the inside.  You can make yourself a radiantly beautiful woman by the way you talk to men and the way you present yourself.

Don’t come off as desperate, but be humble.  Humility in a woman is very sexy to many men. In fact this is a problem many(but not all) of those hour glass women have which is a complete lack of humility.

I used to make a statement in high school over 20 years ago and I have continued to say it ever since.

“The most dangerous woman is the woman who is more beautiful than most women and knows it”

It is extremely hard to find a woman like this that still has humility. Some men still date and marry women like this because they are just as shallow as some of these women are so they make a great pair.

What if I am overweight?

While you can’t change your body type or face, weight is something you can change. You can work out, you can eat differently. Many men will overlook some extra weight on a woman depending on how she carries the weight.

But there is a certain point where as the weight increases it directly affects how many men will find you attractive. Contrary to all the statements online and elsewhere, beauty does have a weight limit, it may be different depending on height and body build, but there is a limit.

Don’t be angry at men for preferring the hour glass figure

This is perhaps the biggest thing women without hour glass figures need to realize. I have seen some visceral hatred of men for preferring women with hour glass figures both online and in real life.

After I got divorced, and before I met my current wife, I went out just as friends with a woman I went to church with. She was a nice woman to talk to and we had a lot in common because we went to the same church and had the same beliefs and life values. She taught one of my children in Sunday School.

She had been divorced for many years and my mother thought she would be a good match for me. I went out with her three times (as friends) but I simply could not get passed her figure. We had some great discussions and some good laughs.

But there simply was no physical attraction. This woman was 5ft tall and probably weighed well over 250 pounds. Since we agreed we were just “friends” she confided in me her frustration with men. She told me she would go on dating sites and put pictures of herself from her breasts up to her head.

She then would tell me she would talk to these Christian men online and they would agree to a date, then go out with her one time and see what she looked like below the waste and never go out with her again.

The majority of her extra weight was in her legs and buttocks so her photo showing only her head and breasts was in essence false advertising. I could never bring myself to share with her my belief that she needed to represent her full self honestly.

She would rail on how men were superficial for having a problem with her extra weight, while all the time I understood exactly why they did. She was unwilling to try and lose weight, men just needed to stop being so superficial or so she thought.

Can overweight women still get men?

Of course they can, they do every day. But the reality is if you as a woman are overweight it will directly affect the pool of eligible men that will come your way in direct proportion to how much overweight you are.

So if you are a really overweight woman you have two choices – you can accept that your weight will lower the pool of eligible men and be content with that. The other choice is to make a change and do something about your weight. There are many things about your body or face that you cannot change, but you can change your weight through diet and exercise, it is not easy, but most things in life that are worthwhile (like raising kids) are not easy.

But the worst thing you can do is sulk or get mad at men for preferring women that are closer to their optimal weight or have hour glass figures.

What about if I gained weight after I was married?

Most married men who love their wives can forgive some weight gain.  Also if you had some extra pounds when your husband married you then that means he accepted you as your were and it would be unfair of him to expect you to radically alter your figure after marriage.

But what happens with many women if we are honest is they simply let themselves go after marriage. It is one thing to gain 20 pounds, or maybe even 40 or 50 pounds over several years of marriage and having children.  But if you have gained a massive amount of weight to where you would not even recognize the woman you were when you married your husband I think you need to do some soul searching.

But he gained weight too so why do I have to be concerned about my weight?

Ladies I am going to be blunt here.  This is just an excuse for you not to take any action.   While men have a responsibility to care for their bodies as well – weight gain by their wives has a significantly higher effect on men and their attraction to their wives than it does for women in attraction to their husbands.

And lets be honest about another fact.  We as men typically don’t care if our wives find us physically attractive.  Most men don’t crave and strongly desire for their wives to call them handsome all the time.  We want our wives to respect us, submit to us, be beautiful for us and enthusiastically give her body to us in the bedroom.  If you do those things we are happy campers.

But you ladies want your man to think you are beautiful and to call you “pretty”, “beautiful” and “gorgeous”.  And if you don’t care about this then this a major violation of what it means to be feminine, what it means to be a woman.

So if you want your man to think your beautiful then you have to earn it. You need to do your utmost best to maintain that figure that you had when you married him(being realistic of course in accounting for age and having children).

 

What Men Want

My wife likes to watch Top Model and I can honestly say that most of the women on that show are far too thin for my liking. A woman is supposed to have 50% more fat than a man in proportion to their bodies, that is what give a woman the curvy look and cushy feel. It makes sick when I see these young girls fretting about a small belly or a few love handles, that is ok and they are still beautiful. On the other hand I do not agree with the crowd that says “beauty has no weight limit”, if most of us were honest we would say it does.

As human beings we are wired to find balance as attractive. If we see a person is out of balance(too skinny or too fat) they become less attractive.

respect thy #selfie project

You didn’t hear it from me, but Lisa Vanderpump is one of my boyfriend’s favorite people.  Okay, that’s a bit of an exaggeration, BUT he was the one who introduced me to Vanderpump Rules, the its-so-bad-you-can’t-look-away show where Lisa Vanderpump’s restaurant, SUR’s employees run-a-muck.  Anyway, this article isn’t about Lisa, it’s about Giuliana Rancic.  This past Sunday afternoon flipping through the channels, boyfriend stopped on E News- Rancic was interviewing Vanderpump, and he made a comment on how awful Rancic looks.

While I try not to rag on other women’s bodies, I can’t help to agree with boyfriend.  Let the investigation begin.  Ten years ago, this is what Rancic looked like, fresh and healthy.

Guilianna 2002 Guilianna 2002

During this interview, Vanderpump made Rancic look like a scarecrow.  With oddly high cheekbones, sunken in eyes, and the tiniest arms, I can’t help but question whether or not this is a healthy weight…

View original post 261 more words

Does objective beauty exist?

Group of four happy smiling women

Plato famously said “Beauty lies in the eyes of the beholder”. This is a question that Plato and many philosophers have asked for centuries. I have actually held an opinion on this question since being in high school (over 20 years ago) and while my opinion has been refined a bit, it basically has remained the same.

Let me be clear before I begin, that in this post for the most part we will be discussing physical outward beauty, and not as much the inward beauty of the mind and soul. In other posts I will touch on inward beauty as well. This will be the first post in a series of posts I will be writing dealing with the subjects of beauty, body image and physical sexual attraction.

Also in this post I am discussing beauty as it relates to sexual attractiveness in human beings, as opposed to animals or other things in nature. Also for the most part I will be discussing attractiveness from the male perspective, as men for the most part are far more visually wired for sexual attraction then women. I will hit on a few important physical characteristics that women are attracted to in men as well.

Three types of beauty

Objective beauty is the idea that human beings are hardwired to find certain physical traits more or less attractive in the opposite sex.

Relative beauty is a sub form of objective beauty. Relative beauty is the idea that a man or woman, when compared to others within their age group or other demographic group, are considered beautiful.

Subjective beauty is the philosophy that what is considered beautiful is different for each culture, and each person. With this type of beauty, anyone one could be beautiful because there are no defined parameters for what “beautiful” is.

Objective beauty
Is there really such as thing as objective beauty? In our modern culture today, most people would probably answer no. But I believe there is such a thing as objective beauty.

Here are some articles based on studies of men and their perceptions of beauty that prove there are some objective qualities that men find most appealing in women:

http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/201206/eternal-curves
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/09/05/17-facts-about-human-sexual-attraction_n_3817941.html

Even without reading those articles we can look back to sculptures made thousands of years ago to see what men considered to be attractive:

Nefertiti_Standing-striding_Berlin

This is a statue of Neferneferuaten Nefertiti (ca. 1370 BC – ca. 1330 BC) who was the royal wife of the Egyptian Pharaoh Akhenaten.

This 3000 year old statue (and many others like it from different cultures around the world) confirms what men consider to be objectively beautiful. Consider the general body characteristics of this 3000 year old Egyptian woman:

Breasts: the first most defining characteristic of female beauty are breasts. While men may have some differences in the size and shape of breasts they prefer, all men want to see some type of breasts on a woman. Again this statue shows a woman with small, yet firm breasts something that the vast majority of men would find attractive.

The Bible even speaks of the importance of a woman having breasts and it’s connection with femininity:

“We have a little sister, and she hath no breasts: what shall we do for our sister in the day when she shall be spoken for?”

Song of Solomon 9:8(KJV)

60 to 70 percent hip ratio: Study after study shows that most men prefer a 60 to 70 percent hip ratio on a woman. African and South American men may go as high as 80 percent. But the fact remains that men prefer this type of hip ratio. Rounded hips (as opposed to flat hips) are one of the two most important physical characteristics that men look for in women.

When a woman has full breasts, a 60 to 70 percent hip ratio and rounded hips this is how we arrive at the hourglass figure that men find most attractive:

Bodyshapes-female

Smooth skin: When it comes to skin, both men and women prefer smooth skin. No one could honestly say they prefer wrinkles, skin blemishes and fat rolls to smooth, roll free skin.

Face: Contrary to popular opinion among women, most men (not all) do care about the beauty of a woman’s face. Ideally men would like a woman to have a beautiful face and form, and they don’t want to have to choose between the two. However I will admit that facial beauty is probably the least “objective” type of beauty there is. This is because of racial considerations, what one race considers to be attractive facial features and what another considers attractive facial features may be quite different.

Group of Women

The form of a woman’s body, and the beauty of her face have always been important to men as we see in these Biblical accounts:

“And Leah’s eyes were weak, but Rachel was beautiful of form and face.”

Genesis 29:17(NASB)

“Esther… the young lady was beautiful of form and face…”

Esther 2:7(NASB)

Legs: Legs are also an important characteristic that men look for in women. The idea of women shaving their legs is not completely modern. Women in ancient cultures also found crude ways to shave their legs if their clothing or culture demanded it. For instance if the women wore dresses or danced or did things that would generally reveal more of their leg they would shave them. Other women whose clothing mostly covered their legs did not shave. But beyond shaving, the shape and tone of a woman’s legs can make them more or less appealing to men.

Generally smooth and toned thighs and calf’s, with defined ankles are attractive to the vast majority of men. Bumpy, fatty legs, or boney legs (also known as chicken legs) are not generally regarded as attractive to most men. “Cankles” (where a woman’s calf seems to go straight into her foot with no defined ankle) is considered less attractive than defined ankles.

Long hair: There is a reason that the vast majority of actresses and models have long hair, and that is because it yet another defining female characteristic.

The Bible talks about the glory of a woman’s long hair:

“Doth not even nature itself teach you, that, if a man have long hair, it is a shame unto him? But if a woman have long hair, it is a glory to her: for her hair is given her for a covering.”

I Corinthians 11:14-15(KJV)

Buttocks – Men prefer a round and plump buttocks. To be sure, just as with breasts, there are some differences in preferences. But based upon the profile of the Egyptian statue we are studying, she most likely has a full, firm and round buttocks.

Overall firmness
– I have mentioned firmness a few times here and I want to clarify. The type of firmness men look for in women does not mean tight muscles, or big muscles. Most men (aside from body builders), do not find muscular women attractive as having a high muscle content is most associated with masculinity.

Overall balance – Men want to see a balance in a woman’s body. Full breasts are great, but if they are too large in proportion to her body then large breasts can become less attractive to most men. The same could be said of a woman’s buttocks, hips, legs or any other part of her body. This is something that men and women would share in common as to what they deem attractive. Balance is always attractive, things that are out of balance, or proportion are not considered to be the most attractive.

Beauty, youth and health are all connected
There is a connection between objective beauty, youth and health. The connection is fertility. This is not to say all younger women are objectively more attractive to men as that would certainly not be true. But the fact is that a young attractive woman, would generally be more attractive to a man than an attractive older woman because of her fertility. Most men are not even consciously aware of this, but this is a biological truth.

It is a biological fact that women with youthful, balanced bodies that are not under weight or over weight are more fertile. A woman’s weight (and thus her appearance) does affect her fertility.

http://www.webmd.com/infertility-and-reproduction/news/20071211/obesity-linked-to-infertility-in-women
http://www.webmd.com/baby/guide/8-ways-to-boost-your-fertility

Relative beauty

This type of beauty is similar to objective beauty with the difference that not all people would find these women attractive. A woman may be considered relatively attractive when compared to her peers. For instance a woman in her 70’s may no longer be objectively attractive, but she could be relatively attractive when compared with her peers.
We see this all the time when we say things like “for her age, she is a beautiful woman”. This does not mean that most men would find her more attractive than younger attractive women, it just means she still has a nice form for her age.

These three women demonstrate relative beauty by age. Here we have a young woman with her mother and grandmother. All of these women could be considered relatively attractive for their various age groups.

Three generations with a striking resemblance

Like objective beauty, you would not have to know anything about an older woman to say she was relatively beautiful for her age.

Relative beauty could also relate to women of different weights. For instance men might say of an overweight woman – “compared to most women in her weight range, she is a beautiful woman”.

Subjective beauty
This brings us to the beauty that knows no boundaries, the one that Plato spoke of. There are several reasons that a man may find a woman subjectively attractive:

Sometimes because of what a man knows about a woman – he may not know her personally, but he knows about the kind of woman she is and that makes him find her attractive.

An woman who would be not be objectively attractive can make herself more attractive by how she acts toward a man, she can draw him to her and cause herself to be subjectively attractive just by her attitude and personality.

How he feels about her – He cares for her.

She reminds him of someone he cared about.

He has been conditioned to find women of her build and type attractive by family or other cultural influences. A good example of this is that in some primitive tribes women with out of balance features like extra-large buttocks or extra-long necks are found most attractive by the men of their village. But this is a conditioned and instilled type of attraction, not a biologically hardwired attraction.

The old man walking down the street with his 70 year old wife still finds her attractive because of how he feels about her (she is subjectively beautiful to him).

Applying the three types of beauty

When men see a young, balanced looking woman, with smooth skin, firm breasts, a firm buttocks, and a 60 to 70 percent waist ratio walking down the street and they find her attractive, that is most likely an objective attraction that is a response to their hardwired biological drive to seek out fertile females.

Sometimes men are attracted to an older women because they possess the form and physical attributes of a much younger woman.
When a man does not find a woman attractive because of her body being out of balance(either being overweight or underweight), or because she has no breasts, or because her hips are straight like a man’s, or she is too muscular that is because his brain is telling him she is less fertile, and therefore less attractive. Again this is based upon objective, hardwired parameters for attraction in the male brain.

However, some men can be conditioned to find women attractive that would otherwise be considered unattractive (from a fertility perspective) for a variety of reasons as we pointed out in the section on Subjective beauty.
Let me illustrate how the different types of beauty might work with these examples:

The 70 year old man still finds his 70 year old wife attractive because of how he loves her – that’s subjective beauty.

That same 70 year old woman could be found attractive by other men in her age group – that’s relative beauty.

A 20 year old woman could be subjectively attractive to her husband, relatively attractive when compared to most 20 year old women, and objectively attractive to all men of all age groups.

A 40 year old woman who has kept her youthful appearance, having a beautiful form might be considered more attractive than a 20 year old boney woman with no breasts. This not because the 40 year old woman is necessarily more fertile than the 20 year old, but because she has the physical qualities that a fertile 20 year old woman might have.

But what about what women find attractive in men?
It would be wrong to say that women care nothing about what a man looks like. A woman could see a man across the room who she has never met and find him attractive. However, for most women physical appearance is a much smaller part of what they find attractive in a man.

Women also like to see a toned man. But with women, muscle to a certain extant is very attractive (unlike to most men, muscular women are not as attractive). But there comes a point as my wife has pointed out to me on several occasions, that some of these body builder men have way too much muscle where their faces are all muscle as well and then they are not as attractive any more.

A man can have too much muscle, just a woman can breasts that are too large – it is possible to have too much of a good thing.

Height is very important to most women, they want the man to be taller, and they don’t mind often that he is towers over them.

Women generally prefer men with full heads of hair. Yes there are sexy actors or singers that are bald that women like. But that is because of how they feel about them as an actor or singer (subjective beauty).

But in the same way that an objectively unattractive woman can make herself attractive by how she carries herself and acts, so too a man who is not objectively attractive can make himself very attractive to women.

Women find confidence very attractive in man. Women find intelligence a very attractive feature in man.

If you had to sum up the differences between how men and women are with physical appearance it would be this – women get over a man’s lack of objective beauty and switch to subjective beauty a lot easier than men do. It is just a difference in how the sexes are wired.

More and less objectively attractive
I will talk about this more in other posts on the subject of body image but I wanted to address it here a bit. Some women reading this might come away from this depressed thinking men expect women to have perfect faces and bodies and this is untrue for most men. It is true that there are a small percentage of women in this world that are perfect (from an objective vantage point) in almost every part of their body. Some women have beautiful breasts but have skinny or boney legs. Other women have beautiful legs and almost no breasts. Some women have beautiful faces but are vastly overweight.

Some men may be tall, but have almost no muscle mass. Some men might be muscular but bald. Other men may be overweight but they have a handsome face and nice hair.

My point is that for many women, they may not have a perfect body, but there are other attractive things about their body. The same could be said for men as well.