Does your wife deny sex to you for several weeks or months at a time? Maybe it has been years. Have your been told by Pastors and counselors that this behavior on the part of your wife is your fault and that it is not a sin for her to deny you sex if she feels unattracted to you and does not desire sex with you?
“a woman has every right to expect that her husband will earn access to the marriage bed…I believe that God means for a man to be civilized, directed, and stimulated toward marital faithfulness by the fact that his wife will freely give herself to him sexually only when he presents himself as worthy of her attention and desire.”
The statement above is very appealing to our modern post-feminist world. Secularists, feminists and many Christians applauded Dr. Mohler’s statement that men must earn access to sex with their wives. And this philosophy that men must earn sex with their wives is seen in Pastor’s offices and counseling offices across America.
By this commonly held belief, if your wife is denying you sex the sin is not on her part, but rather on yours for not making yourself “worthy of her attention and desire”.
The problem is that the Bible does not teach that sex in marriage is a privilege, but instead the Bible teaches that sex in marriage is a right and duty.
The Bible says the following in 1 Corinthians 7:3-5 (KJV):
“3Let the husband render unto the wife due benevolence: and likewise also the wife unto the husband. 4 The wife hath not power of her own body, but the husband: and likewise also the husband hath not power of his own body, but the wife. 5 Defraud ye not one the other, except it be with consent for a time, that ye may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again, that Satan tempt you not for your incontinency.”
The Bible does not teach that a husband and wife must mutually desire sex in order to have sex, but rather it teaches that if either one desires sex, the other must render their body to their spouse for sex. The only thing “mutual” about sex in the Bible is the mutual desire to abstain from sex for a short time of prayer and fasting.
So what is a man to do with what seems like the whole world against him in this matter of his wife denying him sex?
You can find the answers in my 2-part, 2 hour podcast series below.
Will Knowland, a man who runs a Christian masculinity mentoring program at https://www.patriarchyproject.org/ recently made the above post on his Instagram page @knowlandknows.
If you had not see some of Knowland’s other posts and saw this post in isolation, you might get the impression that Knowland is a feminist because he is making the same argument that feminists make about divorce.
Whenever conservative patriarchal Christians bring up the point of women filing for the vast majority divorces feminists will immediately go to point that women have valid reasons for divorcing their husbands in most cases and that real fault of high divorce rates falls mostly at the feet of men, not women. If me would just be better husbands and fathers, divorce would be nearly non-existent in the view of feminists – and apparently Knowland actually agrees with feminists on this point.
To be fair to Knowland, his definition of what would make men better husbands and what feminists say would make men better husbands is very different. But they still arrive at the same conclusion, the divorce epidemic is 99% the fault of men. Knowland actually said that in comment below.
Divorce Doesn’t Happen to Masculine Men?
Knowland asserts that “Divorce doesn’t happen to masculine men”. In other words, he saying good husbands don’t have their wives running out committing adultery or filing for divorce against them.
Try telling that to God about his divorce from his wife Israel.
“for all the causes whereby backsliding Israel committed adultery I had put her away, and given her a bill of DIVORCE”
Jeremiah 3:8 (KJV)
God was the perfect masculine husband, yet his wife committed adultery by running after other gods.
Divorce happens to all ranges of men. Feminine men. Masculine men. Christian men and non-Christian men alike. Women file divorce against men who are excellent providers and have never run around with other women. Women file divorce against men who are strong leaders and men who are weak leaders.
Some of what Knowland is saying in this post aligns with what the Bible teaches.
In Ephesians 5:29, God calls men to provide for the needs of their wives as they do their own bodies and in Titus 2:5 God commands that women are to be “keepers at home”.
And I agree with Knowland and stats show that if a man’s wife has a full-time career outside the home and especially if she makes more than him in her career, they have a HIGH probability of divorce.
Who is Truly Responsible for the High Divorce Rate We Have Today?
Some will argue that men are completely responsible for high rates of divorce because men allowed the laws making divorce easier starting in the 19th century long before men gave women the right to vote in the early 20th century and it was men like Ronald Reagan who pushed for no-fault divorce laws.
And there is some truth to that argument. And it is good to understand how we got in the mess we are today.
But the fact remains – who are the ones primarily responsible for filing divorces today?
The answer is women. Women file for divorce 70 to 80 percent of the time and in most cases, it is not for biblically allowable reasons.
Knowland contends that in “99%” of cases the true responsibility for the divorce is not that of the woman who files for it, but instead the real responsibility is with the man and his behavior that drove her to file for divorce.
Knowland blaming the sins of husbands for their wives divorcing them is like blaming a victim of murder because he must have done something to make murderer want to kill him.
What is the Biblical Way to Approach Our Modern Divorce Epidemic?
Any masculinity teacher who tells you that if you lift weights, make sure your chest and waist size are a certain size, do assertive things like order dinner for your wife, listen to her, spend time with her and the kids, and provide well for her that she will never divorce you is selling you snake oil.
Don’t get me wrong, I am not saying any of those things are bad things to do and those things can certainly help to strengthen your marriage. However, those things are no guarantee that your wife won’t divorce you.
One way to approach the modern epidemic of divorce is to tell men that if they just act masculine enough, if they lead right, provide right and do everything else right then their wives won’t divorce them.
The problem with this approach is that it is a humanist and naturalist approach to the sin of divorce rather than a biblical approach.
And sadly, this is the primary approach that most Christian teachers take today, including Knowland.
Does the Bible say “Husbands be the best leaders, providers and protectors you can be so your wives won’t divorce you?” No. The Bible says in 1 Corinthians 7:10 “Let not the wife depart from her husband”.
The Biblical approach to the modern epidemic of divorce is to tell women to stop committing the sin of divorcing their husbands and to tell them to win their husbands with their subjection, reverence and good behavior as the Bible commands in 1 Peter 3:1-2.
For more on the subject of the Biblical view of divorce see my article “If We Treated Divorce Like Killing“. In that article I do an exhaustive examination of every verse in the Bible, both Old and New Testaments, on the subject of divorce to give a comprehensive biblical view of what are and are not allowable reasons for divorce.
And for Christian men facing the prospect of divorce I recommend you listen to my podcast below where I walk men through my experience with divorce as well as that of other Christian men and I give strategies for men with how to navigate the divorce process.
Every time a woman argues with her husband she sins against God. Period.
1 Peter 3:1-2 (NASB) shows us that it is sinful for a woman to argue with her husband:
“In the same way, you wives, be subject to your own husbands so that even if any of them are disobedient to the word, they may be won over without a word by the behavior of their wives, as they observe your pure and respectful behavior.”
But women, like men, are sinful creatures. The question is, how should a husband handle it when his wife engages in the sin of arguing with him?
Biblical Ways To Deal With Your Wife’s Argumentativeness
In the Bible, God demonstrated how he dealt with his rebellious wife Israel and how Christ dealt with sin in his churches. He also gives advice to men in the book of Proverbs for how to deal with a contentious wife.
In Proverbs 21:9 (KJV) the Bible says “It is better to dwell in a corner of the housetop, than with a brawling woman in a wide house”.
Sometimes a husband may choose to take a drive or go to his mancave when his wife is being contentious with him.
In Isaiah 59:2 (KJV) God said to his wife, Israel, “But your iniquities have separated between you and your God, and your sins have hid his face from you, that he will not hear”.
Sometimes a husband may choose to emulate God’s treatment of his rebellious wife Israel and give his wife the silent treatment when she has been argumentative with him.
In Revelation 3:19 (KJV), Christ said to his churches after rebuking them “As many as I love, I rebuke and chasten: be zealous therefore, and repent”.
Sometimes rather than walking away from his argumentative wife, a man may choose too emulate Christ’s rebuke and chastisement of his churches and choose to rebuke and chastise his wife.
God says in Ephesians 5:28-29 (KJV) that men must provide for the needs of their wives.
But that doesn’t mean she is entitled to eat at her favorite restaurants or buy the latest fashions in clothing or an have open credit line. These things can be removed as an act of chastisement.
How can a husband know which action to take in the face of his wife’s argumentativeness?
The answer comes down to how she receives discipline from her husband. Does she accept his right to rebuke and chastise her? Or does she resist and deny his rights as husband?
If a wife is submissive to her husband’s rebuke and chastisement, whether it be CDD or other non-physical means of discipline, then he should use those means as he sees fit.
However, if a man has a wife who completely rejects his right to rebuke and chastise her and if she will not cease her contentions with him, then the best course of action is for him to follow the advice of Proverbs 21:9 and remove himself from her presence.
To find out more about non-physical and physical discipline from a Biblical perspective listen to my podcast series below on these subjects.
Biblical Gender Roles 