Most people, including most Christians, would be furious at the very idea that there are times that a man should NOT be kind to his wife. And this is because despite living in the Information Age, people in America and the rest of Western Civilization are woefully ignorant of concepts our ancestors understood well.

What is also sad is how many people will simply read the title of this post and not read past the first paragraph to have their preconceptions about kindness challenged. But if you are a person who is strong enough emotionally and spiritually to have your beliefs challenged, then I encourage you to keep reading.

The Bible commands all Christians to “be ye kind one to another” (Eph 4:32) and it specifically tells husbands to “render unto the wife due benevolence” (1 Cor 7:3) and “benevolence” translates the Greek word for kindness.

Kindness Is Not the Only Duty of a Husband

Men have a God-given duty to be kind to their wives.

However, a man’s duty to be kind to his wife is only one of many duties God has given him. And the Scriptures never present a man’s duty to be kind (pleasing) to his wife as what should be the driving force in his life.

Men also have the God-given duties to rule over (exercise control over) their wives as well as lead, provide for, protect, teach, rebuke and discipline their wives.
(Gen 3:16, Eph 5:23-29, 1 Cor 14:35, Rev 3:19)

Men also have the God-given duties to provide for, protect, teach, rebuke and discipline their children.
(Deut 6:6–7, Prov 13:22, Eph 6:4, Heb 12:7-11)

Men are not just called to work to provide for their wives and children, but they are called to be diligent in their work, increasing their skills and making their mark on the world through their life’s work.
(Psa 104:23, Prov 27:23, Ecc 9:10, Col 3:23)

Men have a God-given duty to “use” (Rom 1:27) their wives to “satisfy” (Prov 5:19) all their sexual desires in order “to avoid fornication” (1 Cor 7:2).

When Should A Man Be Unkind (aka displeasing) to His Wife?

A man’s actions, whether it be what career he chooses, how many hours he works, his rules for the children, his rules for his wife and what he desires from her sexually may not always be pleasing to her.

There are going to be times when a wife will not like her husband’s job or the hours he has to work at his job.  She may even be angry or hurt by the kind of work he is doing.  But each man must choose his own path when it comes to his career.  His wife cannot choose for him.

Should men seek career advice? Absolutely! But men should seek advice in these matters from other elder men with experience in the careers they seek to enter.  Their choice to enter a career should not be based on the emotional whims of their wife.

On the issue of rules and discipline for the children.  Should a man include his wife’s advice? Yes.  Especially when the children are younger as women are gifted with greater insight into how to handle small children.   Does this mean he cannot consult others as well or even his own father and mother as to how to handle things with his children? No. He absolutely can and should consult with other elder wise people.  

In other words, a wife must understand that when it comes to how her husband will make rules and policies for their children, she is but one voice in that discussion.  A very important voice to be sure, but certainly not the only voice.

Should a husband seek to please his wife in the marital bed? The answer is sometimes, but not all time.  If a man seeks to always have sex when and how his wife likes to have sex then he will inevitably be left unsatisfied sexually which will cause him to be far more tempted to commit fornication.  This is why the Bible commands men to use their wives to satisfy all their sexual desires so that they will be less tempted to commit fornication.

In other words, for a man to fully use his wife to satisfy his sexual desires as God commands, he may need to have sex with her at times and in ways which are displeasing (unkind) to her.  And there is no sin in this because God does not require that a man be kind(pleasing) to his wife in all things and at all times, not even in the sexual arena.

And for those who claim that “sex is not a need, it is only a want”.  The Bible shows that sex is a need for both women and men.  The Bible commands both husbands and wives not to deny sex to each other (1 Cor 7:3-4).   The Bible also compares a woman’s need for sex to that of her need for food and clothing (Ex 21:10-11)  and it compares a man’s need for sex to the human need for water (Prov 5:15).  What do humans need more often – food or water?  The answer is water.  And the Bible in using these different comparisons shows that men need sex much more often then women do.

Not only do men need sex more often than women, but they also need to be “ravished” (Prov 5:19) by their wives.  This literally has the idea of a man being sexually intoxicated by his wife.  And what makes a woman sexually intoxicating to a man? It is him knowing he can have her anytime and any way in which he so chooses.  It is her acting desirous to have sex with him in the ways which please him most. 

A woman who only has sex with her husband on her terms (when and how she wants it) will fail to ravish her husband.  This may bring some satisfaction for the husband, but it will never bring sexual intoxication or total satisfaction.

My point here is that whether it is the husband having to correct his wife for something she said or did wrong or him making a family decision she does not agree with or him having sex with her at a time or in a way she does not like – a man will sometimes have to act in an unkind (displeasing) way toward his wife to fulfill his other duties in this life.

When Should A Man Be Kind To His Wife?

Now that I demonstrated that a man’s duty to be kind to his wife is one of just many duties we are left with this question – How can a man fulfill his God-given duty to please his wife without compromising his other duties?

The answer to the question above is found in another question that a man must continually ask himself on a daily basis: “Will this act of pleasing my wife cause me to fail in any of my other duties?”

Often times the answer to this question will be “no” – that it a man pleasing his wife does not conflict with his other duties.  And men should certainly seek out ways in which they can be kind (pleasing) to their wives. 

But in their efforts to be pleasing to their wives, husbands must never loose sight of all the other duties God has given them in this life.   God did not create man to please his wife, but rather God created man to glorify God by imaging him with his life (1 Cor 11:7).

Can a Man’s Duties Sometimes Conflict?

Yes. 

Sometimes one duty a man has will trump another temporarily.

For instance, a man’s duty to be diligent in his work and to use his wife to satisfy his sexual desires may sometimes be trumped by his duty to care for his wife when she has serious health issues.

Still other times a man’s work will take him far away from home for a period causing him to not be able to fulfill his duty to give himself in the marital bed to his wife and to be present for his children.  

This is the balancing act that God has given to each man to perform in his life.