Month: April 2015

Christian Husbands – You don’t pay for the milk when you own the cow!

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cow in front of a white background

As Christians who embrace God’s Word as the guide for our lives, we know that the Bible condones sex ONLY within the bounds of marriage. But unfortunately, since the sexual revolution of the 1960’s our culture has embraced the idea that pre-marital sex is the norm, and that we actually need to try out the person sexually before we are married to make sure that we are sexually compatible.

Our culture’s acceptance of pre-marital sex has been one of the major contributing factors to the decline in marriage, and the rise in cohabitation rates.

Why buy the cow, when you can get the milk for free?

This phrase was coined to reflect the reality that when you make sex outside of marriage culturally acceptable, less people will marry, and the statistics today prove it. The most literal and historical meaning of this phrase meant “why marry a girl, when she will give you sex without marriage?”

I remember growing up in my Church youth group, hearing speakers sometimes say this phrase about the milk and the cow. Obviously they would always start with the Scriptures that forbid fornication – which includes (but is not limited to) sex outside of marriage. But then they would follow up the Scriptural commands, with some practical reasoning, especially to the young ladies, exhorting them to “make these crazy hormone driven boys to wait for marriage” before giving up “the milk”.

I can hear it now – “What about those boys! This is not fair that all the pressure is on the women”. Yes the Scriptures command BOTH men and women to not engage in sex before marriage, and yes they did speak to us as young men about being godly men of integrity, about being gentlemen. However, if you examine the Scriptures closely, you will see that God places the greater burden on the woman to refuse the man. In the Old Testament law, a woman could be executed for not being a virgin when she was married, whereas there was no such punishment for a man that was not a virgin. I realize this goes against our modern “gender equality” ideas, but the Bible supports no such notion.

But once you have bought the cow, you ARE supposed to get the milk for free

One of the problems we face today in the Christian community (but it certainly is not limited to Christians) is that often times, even after we have waited, and “bought the cow” (married our wives), our wives expect us to “buy the milk” as well. I recently wrote a post responding to a Christian teacher’s false belief, that in marriage men do in fact have to “buy the milk”(earn sex), even after “buying the cow”(marrying a woman).

A quick word on the “cow analogy” before we continue – in no way am I meaning disrespect toward women, or saying that cows are somehow equal to women, or that women are less human than men. But Biblically speaking, a wife does belong to her husband (men paid a “bride price” and one the terms for husband in the original languages of the Bible is “baal” which means “owner or master” (e.g. Proverbs 31). I Peter 3 says “Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord[master]“.

The fact is, in marriage, neither the husband, nor the wife, should have to earn sex. While husband’s denying their wives sexually is a problem sometimes, the vast majority of the time it is the wife denying her husband. Ask any pastor (and I have many pastor friends) and they will confirm this. Ask any marriage counselor, and they will confirm this as well.

But there is a difference between flat out denial, which some wives are guilty of, and a woman making her husband earn sex (but both are equally wrong). I once knew a Christian couple, where the only way the man got sex from his wife was when he did the dishes and picked up the house. For other men, it might be buying flowers for your wife, or taking her out to dinner. Please don’t misunderstand me, I don’t think it wrong for a husband to do these kinds of  things for his wife, but these things should NEVER be a prerequisite to sex.

The sinful sexual pattern of modern women

Husbands listen to me, engaged men please hear me. There is a pattern that takes place in a lot of Christian marriages (and non-Christian marriages). At the beginning of the sexual relationship between a man and woman (which should begin after marriage, but sometimes it sinfully starts before marriage), women will give their husbands all the “free milk” they want. She lets him “taste the goods” so to speak.

But not long into the marriage, the milk is no longer free of charge, it now comes at a cost. That cost looks very different from woman to woman, but there is a cost of some sort. For some Christian men, it might simply be household chores, for others it is buying jewelry or other gifts. For other husbands, it is making a decision the way their wife wants it, but they do not think is best.

What all these different prerequisites have in common is, they require a man to transfer his God given authority over his home, his children, and his wife and yes even his wife’s body to his wife. Only if they do the bidding of their wife, will she give them “the goods”.

How to stop this wicked pattern

For you engaged men, or newlywed husbands it will be much easier if you spot this change in your wife and nip it in the bud right away. If you allow this pattern to go on for years of marriage, it only becomes harder (but not impossible) to break. Whether you have been married 6 months, or 6 years, the fix is still the same.

When your wife tells you “If you do ___________ for me, then I will do that for you”, you need to sit down and take out the Word of God. You must see this as God sees it, as an act of rebellion against your authority over her (and her body), and by extension as an act of rebellion against God himself, because he has given her to you. You need to rebuke your wife’s sinful behavior.

Take her to I Corinthians and read the Word of God to her:

“Let the husband render unto the wife due benevolence: and likewise also the wife unto the husband.

The wife hath not power of her own body, but the husband: and likewise also the husband hath not power of his own body, but the wife.

Defraud ye not one the other, except it be with consent for a time, that ye may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again, that Satan tempt you not for your incontinency.” – I Corinthians 7:3-5(KJV)

The Bible places absolutely NO preconditions on sex between a husband and wife within the bounds of marriage (contrary to what many Christian books and teachers teach today). In fact the only mutual agreement a couple is called to is, when they STOP having sex for a given period.

As the head of your home, and the authority of not only your children, but also your wife, you will be called from time to time to confront a sinful attitude or behavior in your wife, just as Job confronted his wife’s sinful behavior.

“Then said his wife unto him, Dost thou still retain thine integrity? curse God, and die.

But he said unto her, Thou speakest as one of the foolish women speaketh. What? shall we receive good at the hand of God, and shall we not receive evil? In all this did not Job sin with his lips.” – Job 2:9-10(KJV)

I remember one time in Church my Pastor referenced this passage, and he said “Sometimes we as husbands need to call out our wives sinful behavior, but it might be a good idea to back up a bit before you do, I think Job might have.”

What about the aftermath?

This is a form of discipline, and discipline is never pleasant, but all authority figures must discipline those who are under their authority from time to time. Before anyone goes nuts here, I am not talking about physical discipline here, but there are other forms of discipline that are not physical.

After you confront your wife’s rebellion (not only towards God’s command to her, but by extension the authority he has given you) – she is not exactly going to be in the mood, if you know what I mean. It may feel as though you have been unloving to her, but you are in fact loving your wife when you call out her sin, and call her to repentance, just as God calls to all of us.

In what is often called “the love chapter” of Scripture, where love is defined by God’s standards it says this:

“Love finds no joy in unrighteousness but rejoices in the truth.” – I Corinthians 13:6(HCSB)

Your wife’s rebellion against your sexual authority over her body is by definition “unrighteousness”. You would in essence, be “unloving” to your wife, from God’s perspective, if you allowed her sinful attitude to go unchecked.

But should you still have relations with your wife after such a confrontation?

I believe the answer is yes, if she yields to you (even with the wrong attitude). When I first had to confront my wife with these types of issues, I would confront her, and then just leave the sex to happen another night, because after all, I like most men don’t prefer to have sex with my wife when she acts grumpy about it.

But I realized that the sex still needs to occur, that sex is not about being in the mood, and it is not about feelings, it is about doing what is right. I agree whole heartedly that the best sex a Christian couple can have is when they are spiritually, emotionally and physically connected all at once. But the truth is there will be many times when we don’t have all that in place, but we must still have sex. God wants us to do the right thing, even when we don’t feel like it.

This probably won’t be a onetime thing

As a Christian husband, and really just as a Christian, we must realize that we all from time to time slip back into patterns of sinful behavior. Please don’t think that if your wife seems to submit to your sexual authority over her body after confronting her with the truth of God’s Word, that this rebellion will never seep back up again in her life. This has definitely not been a onetime thing with my wife, and I have also talked with other Christian men who have told me it is the same with their wives as well.

Whenever we see sinful behavior crop backup, whether in ourselves, or wives or children we need to address it.

We as husbands must also realize that, there will be less of a chance of re-occurrences of rebellious behavior by our wives and children when they see that we ourselves are submitting to God’s authority over us. If we are keeping our families in the Word, and in Church this can greatly help to keep the “flare ups” from happening as often.

But if you are husband trying to submit to and follow God’s will for your family, don’t think everything should just fall in place. Your wife may have had a very different upbringing, and there may be some very bad habits and attitudes that are deeply ingrained in your wife’s person, that she has to battle with the help of the Holy Spirit on a daily basis.

Can my Christian wife ever say no to my sexual advances?

This is the logical question you as a Christian husband (or engaged man) might ask after everything we have just looked at. The answer to this question is a Christian wife should never give her husband a flat no, BUT she can humbly and gently ask for a delay. There may be legitimate physical or other issues that might prompt your wife to ask you for a delay.  But this must be done humbly and respectfully, and always with the attitude in mind that her body does belong to her husband. But a Christian wife should ALWAYS make good on her “rainchecks” with her husband. Also these “delay requests” from wives should be the exception, and not the normal response to a husband’s sexual advances.

This has been part 3 of our series “How to be a godly husband”. In the next parts of this series we will address the topics of “Is a husband selfish for having sex with his wife when she is not the mood?” and “How to handle your wife’s sexual refusal”.

Previous Posts in this series:

Does the Bible teach ‘Happy wife, Happy life’?

7 ways to let your wife manage your home

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Christian Couple Faces $135,000 Fine

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sweet_cakes_top_img_by_g-f_017-764x460

It should awaken all believers to what has happened to this nation that was founded on Christian principles, that in the year 2015, a Christian baker and his wife have been ordered to pay $135,000 for supposedly causing “emotional, mental, and physical suffering.”

Sometimes it takes persecution to make us stronger, to make us stand together, and perhaps this is why God is allowing this new type of attack on Christianity in our modern times. I pray that Christians will awake, as a sleeping bear, and not only financially support Christians like this, but also go to the voting booth to vote for conservative candidates telling them we want no more of this. We need a revitalized new religious freedom amendment, since our original first amendment has been so bastardized by the court over the last few decades.  It needs to be so word specific, that they can find no loop hole, and no way around it.

Aaron and Melissa Klein ran a small bakery called “Sweet Cakes by Melissa” for seven years in Gresham, Oregon, but had to shut down their store in 2013 after Rachel Cryer and Laurel Bowman filed a civil rights complaint against them. Administrative judge Alan McCullough ruled Friday that the funds will go to Cryer and Bowman for “emotional, mental, and physical suffering.”

Samaritan’s Purse is raising funds to assist the Klein’s and others like them who face financial distress and are punished for their sincerely held religious beliefs, convictions and conscience.

“They have taken a stand for the Word of God, and they should not have to stand alone,” Samaritan’s Purse President Franklin Graham said. “I believe that Christians across our nation will rally around Aaron and Melissa and their five children.

“Please pray for Aaron and Melissa, and pray for our nation. When our judges are punishing Christians for practicing what they believe, that’s persecution, plain and simple.”

-Samaritan’s purse, http://www.samaritanspurse.org

I am thankful that men like Franklin Graham have had the courage to speak out on these issues, and his organization is going to help this couple.  They are taking donations through their persecuted Christians fund here.  I encourage all brothers and sisters in Christ to donate.

Short Essay – “Between Men and Women There Is No Friendship Possible.”

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Kathy,

We need more Christian wives like you who do as Proverbs 31:26 says and open their “mouth with wisdom”.

I have maintained this thought for 20 years, that it is utterly ridiculous to think men and women can be friends. You are spot on when you talk about how women are a distraction to men in the work force, and we would be more productive with an all male work force.

It is a fact that children do better in all boy schools and all girl schools for the exact reasons you state in this article.

Many affairs have happened because of “work place” friendships between men and women, because people try and believe the lie that men and women can be friends.

I think there is another angle to this “friendship” thing as well. I women online all the time saying they are “looking to marry my best friend”.

While I do believe that sometimes marriage can feel like friendship when we are close to our spouses(as we should be), we must never forget that neither friendship, nor partnership are ever mentioned as purposes for marriage.

Companionship – yes, friendship and partnership no. Instead of a woman looking for her “best friend”, she ought to be looking for the best Christian leader, provider and protector she can find, a man of integrity. If she wants a friend, she can call one of her girlfriends. As I say on my blog all the time – “your husband is not your girlfriend”.

It's the Women, Not the Men!

Oscar Wilde - (1854-1900) Oscar Wilde – (1854-1900)

Oscar Wilde was a brilliant Irish novelist (The Portrait of Dorian Gray), poet (Ballad of Reading Gaol) and playwright (The Importance of Being Earnest). His writings show his innate predisposition towards humanity’s foibles and as such he was a keen observer of people. This was a critical element of his success.

He was married and had two children before acknowledging his homosexuality, and as a result, he was a uniquely qualified observer of women in particular, and their predilections.

Mr. Wilde’s many quotes about women, and their relationships with the men in their lives, are at times, profound. Most of his observations still apply to the women of today, but only if the shroud of feminist orthodoxy is first removed.

It is very unfortunate that much of the truth about the natural interconnection between men and women is now clouded by radical, second-wave feminism’s bizarre assertions…

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Day 4: Asking for what you need

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I can’t tell you how many fights I have had with might wife because she was beating around the bush, and making me have to guess what she was really upset about, or what she really wanted. You have learned a great lesson, men want things said straight and plainly, and we don’t like to play mind games and guess things.

You as a woman are more sensitive, and you notice things more, and you think to yourself, it were me I would have it figured out by now. But the point is – he is not you. You did not marry a woman, you married a man. Great post.

7 ways to let your wife manage your home

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Portrait of pretty female cooking salad with her husband near by

Christian husband – the Bible clearly states that you are the head of your wife and your home. But did you know that the Bible calls your wife the “manager” of your home? These roles do not conflict, but instead they complement one another.

For those who don’t know the Bible’s teaching on male headship over women here is a small primer:

God has established the headship of man over woman

“But I want you to know that Christ is the head of every man, and the man is the head of the woman, and God is the head of Christ.” – I Corinthians 11:3(HCSB)

“For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church. He is the Savior of the body. Now as the church submits to Christ, so wives are to submit to their husbands in everything.” – Ephesians 5:23-34(HCSB)

“One who manages his own household competently, having his children under control with all dignity.” – I Timothy 3:4(HCSB)

The Scriptures are clear here, as well as in multiple other passages (both Old and New Testaments), that a husband has authority over his wife and his family (contrary to popular teachings of our Egalitarian and Christian Feminist friends).

You are to be the head of your home, but your wife is to be the manager of your home

“Therefore, I want younger women to marry, have children, manage their households, and give the adversary no opportunity to accuse us.” – I Timothy 5:14(HCSB)

“Encourage the young women to love their husbands and to love their children, to be self-controlled, pure, homemakers, kind, and submissive to their husbands, so that God’s message will not be slandered.” – Titus 2:4-5(HCSB)

The phrase “manage their households” in I Timothy 5:14, is an English translation of the Greek word “Oikodespoteo”, which comes from two Greek words “oikos” (house) and “despoteo” (to rule). This literally means to “to occupy one’s self in the management of a household”. The King James Version translates this as “a guide to house”, which is also an accurate translation.

Titus 2:4, a companion passage to this subject of women and the home, calls women to be “homemakers” (translated as “keepers at home” by the KJV). This is a translation of the Greek word “Oikouros” which literally means “watcher or keeper of the house” or “caring for the affairs of the house”.

Proverbs 31 shows a wife taking care of all the affairs of the home while her husband Is away.

7 Ways to let your wife manage your home

So up to this point we have established two foundational truths about the home that are taught in Scripture. The husband is the head of the home, but the wife is the manager of the home. The wife being manager of the home, is a delegated authority from her husband, but it is an authority that God wants men to give to their wives. Below are ways that you, as a Christian husband can encourage, and delegate the management of your home to your wife.

  1. Your wife picks the appliances, you fund them and have them delivered.
  2. Your wife picks the paint color for the house, you fund it, and put it on the walls where she wants it.
  3. Your wife picks how the walls of your home are decorated, again you fund it, and hang it till she thinks it looks straight on the wall.
  4. Your wife decides the style of all furniture, your job is to fund it and get it in the house where she wants it.
  5. You can make dinner requests, but don’t ever tell her how to cook – that’s her domain.
  6. Your wife picks out the clothing for the members of her house, you are simply there to fund said clothing, and hold the bags as she shops.
  7. While you are the ultimate decider of the discipline policies and other things regarding the teaching of your children, a wise man will always hear what the mother(and manager) of his children has to say before making any determinations.

I will just say one thing about “funding”. Husband, as the head of your home, it is your job, and it is a moral responsibility for you to set the funding policies of your home. Your wife comes to you with a need in the home, you discuss the need, and determine the appropriate level of funding. Many men have spent themselves and their homes into financial ruin by not setting any spending limits on themselves, or their wives, and this ought not to be the case in a Christian home.

But having said all that – if you as a Christian husband will simply stand back and let your wife manage your home(without trying to interfere and micro manage her as she does this) you will find that God has naturally equipped your wife to make your home the best it can be. The concept that “a home is not truly a home without a woman’s touch” is not only a true statement, it is also a Biblical one.

This has been the second part of our series “How to be a godly husband”. Check back for more updates to this series.

Census Bureau proposes to eliminate marriage and divorce questions

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Young couple having marriage problems

The Census Bureau apparently thinks that tracking marriage and divorce rates in the United States is “low benefit and low cost category.” This is not the first time in recent years the Federal Government has cut research into marriage and family issues in the United States. Back in 1996, funding for detail marriage statistics that was given to the states for almost a century was cut.

I am all for cutting government waste.  Yes there have been stupid programs that studied things like “Why a Frisbee flies” and millions of other dollars wasted on such research.  But can anyone say with a straight face that the government monitoring what our marriage and divorce rates are is wasteful spending?

I would submit that most of the people who would say “yes it is wasteful”, are either those who are serial divorcees or those who have never been married because they see this institution of marriage as “outdated” and “unnecessary” for the health of society.  A few others who would oppose it would be privacy advocates, saying “its none of the government’s business”.

The underlying truth is, there is a certain group of people, some in very powerful and influential places of government and society, that want to take the spot light off marriage, cohabitation and divorce. These people come from all political persuasions, Democrat, Republican, Libertarian…etc).  They simply want to move the whole “marriage equation” from the political spectrum, because it creates problems for them when they are running for office.

For instance, Republican law makers have secretly said they wished the Supreme Court would just end the gay marriage debate by declaring it a constitutional right. This thinking is kind of ironic since most Republicans say they don’t like Courts “legislating from the bench”, which is what they would in essence be doing by granting this new right of gay marriage out of thin air.

I agree with what the President of The National Council on Family Relations recently said about this disturbing move by our Federal Government:

“The fact that a statistic as basic as the divorce rate is in question should be a source of concern to family scholars, educators, and practitioners. Given the importance of this topic, you might think that the federal government is committed to maintaining—and even enhancing—the quality of marriage and divorce data. But in a startling development last year, the U.S. Census Bureau (under pressure from Congress to cut costs) announced its intention to drop the marital transition questions from the ACS. The ACS is currently the best source of national and state data on the frequency of marriage, divorce, widowhood, and remarriage. And the ACS is the only data source that can measure marital trends in relatively small groups in the population, such as Asian Americans, Hispanic subgroups (e.g., Cubans and Puerto Ricans), and people in same-sex marriages. Losing this resource will have serious consequences for the quality of family research.”

-Paul R. Amato, Ph.D., NCFR president

https://www.ncfr.org/ncfr-report/current-issue/presidents-report-studying-divorce-and-couple-relationships-difficult-time

I consider myself a conservative, and I generally support conservative candidates for public office. I also support the downsizing of our Federal Government.  But this is one area where I completely disagree with some fellow conservatives in Washington looking to make cuts.  The family unit is the building block of society, it affects every aspect of our culture and the government should maintain the best statistics we can in this crucial area.  We should not be cutting this funding, but rather expanding it and restoring the cuts made to in 1996.

I encourage everyone(liberal, conservative or otherwise), the believes that marriage and family is bedrock of society, and the government should be tracking this information, to write their congressmen today to pressure them not allow this to be cut. Also write to the Census Bureau as well.

 

Admirable Women – Florist Barronelle Stutzman’s Business, Home and Personal Assets at Risk Because She’s A Devote Christian

/ biblicalgenderroles / 1 Comment

Fantastic post Kathy – there is a war being waged in America against religious freedom under the guise of “tolerance”. But the truth is, by their supposed demand for her to give service to a gay wedding, they are in fact being intolerant of her religious beliefs.

I have said many times before and I will say it again. The gay rights lobby think this is just another social issue, and eventually Christians will just “get over this”. But what they do not realize is, Christians in past centuries have died for their faith, do you think they are not willing to do less and loose their business for their faith?

On the other side of this, we as Christians, especially those Christians who have been blessed financially or with political power need to take a stronger stand, we need to stand unashamedly behind people like this woman.

It's the Women, Not the Men!

Barronelle Stutzman 2I’ve wanted to write about Barronelle Stutzman’s faith, and her grace under pressure, for weeks. I kept praying that her predicament would resolve itself. I hoped that the “powers-that-be”, in the State of Washington, would finally come to their senses and realize that Barronelle lives in America – the land of the free, especially the land of the religiously free!

But, that was not to be. Instead, they’ve proved themselves to be no better than the pagans of ancient Rome, heartlessly tossing Christians to the lions in the Colosseum to appease their twisted priorities. And, to make matters much worse, unlike the Romans, most of these modern-day persecutors of Christians, are Christians themselves!

Judge Alex Ekstrom, 44 - Was Just Appointed to Superior Court in Sept. 2014.Judge Alex Ekstrom, 44 – Was Just Appointed to Superior Court in Sept. 2014.

On February 19, 2015, while Barronelle was peacefully sleeping in Richland, Washington, she would suddenly awaken to find that her flower shop had been moved…

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3 Bible passages about marriage you won’t hear in Church

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Church

In church you might have heard passages that say men should honor and love their wives. These passages are true, and right. You may have even heard verses that tell women they should submit to their husbands. But these three passages are rarely if ever taught:

“For in this way in former times the holy women also, who hoped in God, used to adorn themselves, being submissive to their own husbands; just as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord…”

I Peter 3: 5-6 (HCSB)

“A man, in fact, should not cover his head, because he is God’s image and glory, but woman is man’s glory…”

I Corinthians 11:7 (HCSB)

“Man was not created for woman, but woman for man.”

I Corinthians 11:9 (HCSB)

The reason these passages are not taught in our churches, is because they emphasize three concepts about man and woman, and marriage that are VERY politically incorrect in our modern American culture:

The mastery of the husband over the wife (marriage seen as a master-servant relationship)

Men and women are not equal, man is the image and glory God, woman is the glory of man

Man was not created for woman, but woman was created for man

These passages spit in the face of our modern American ideals of equality and fairness. How can anyone be master of over anyone else? No one could have been made for anyone else. This is by definition slavery, and we won’t have any part of it. So these passages have to go, because they don’t match up with our romantic ideals about marriage.

The Scriptures warn of times like these:

“Proclaim the message; persist in it whether convenient or not; rebuke, correct, and encourage with great patience and teaching. For the time will come when they will not tolerate sound doctrine, but according to their own desires, will multiply teachers for themselves because they have an itch to hear something new. They will turn away from hearing the truth and will turn aside to myths.”

I Timothy 4:2-4 (HCSB)

 

You men just want this so you can control women and make your lives better!

Many Christians will either try and explain away these passages, or say they were for a different time. They will attack the very foundations of Scripture if they must, in order to take away the power and meaning of these passages.

Those few who still stand for God’s Word, and his design and purpose for man and woman are accused of wanting to control women for their own selfish gains. But the truth of God is this – when a man leads, provides and protects his woman, and his family, when he honors his wife and loves her, and when she submits to and serves his needs, and the needs of the her family – this is when we will have peace, God’s peace, and this is when we will have order, as opposed to chaos in marriages and families we find today.

Our new romantic based, feeling based, equality based marriages have not fared so well in modern times. Marriage rates have declined, and of those who do get married, more than 50 percent divorce. When will we realize that role based marriage, as God designed it, is right not only for us as individuals, but for us as a culture and as a nation?

We must rid feminism and egalitarianism from our marriages, our families, our churches and our nation, one marriage at a time.