Month: June 2015

Stories of Sexual Denial in Marriage – Episode 1 Part 2

/ biblicalgenderroles / Leave a comment

I received an update from our anonymous commenter from Episode 1:

Stories of Sexual Denial in Marriage – Episode 1

My wife recently took a vacation (alone) to meet an old friend.  I was glad to lend a hand and be with my daughter for the weekend.  We have so much fun together.  Before my wife left, I checked her “personal kit” and discovered that a bottle of personal lubricant was missing….but nothing else.  Additionally, she purchased some men’s jewelry and did her best to hide it from me.  I believe she took it with her.  That, and the personal lubricant, makes me question everything.  I no longer trust her.  I searched every square inch of the house for both items (and I mean EVERYWHERE).  None were found.  I’m really struggling with the next step.  While God hates divorce, would he honor my decision and permit me to remarry someday with the facts I have right now?  This is absolutely unbearable.

I received this and more information privately and believe based upon this evidence this Christian husband has enough evidence to confront his wife’s sexual immorality and then file for a divorce.  I recommended that he wait till she returns and then puts her “personal items” back in their place.

He is right that God hates divorce.  But God made divorce because we are sinners and he knows that.  This man’s wife has sinned against the covenant of their marriage.

The next steps will be difficult and very emotional – she may try and keep both him and her lover(I have seen this before) and he needs to hold the line and know he is doing is right.

I pray God will be with this Christian husband on the very difficult journey he must make.  I wish this type of story was rare, but it is not.  We are living in an evil times where people living by their feelings, rather than by the commitment they made to marriage.

 

The battle Gay Rights advocates will never win

/ biblicalgenderroles / 13 Comments

Many across the nation are hailing today’s 5-4 the Supreme Court’s decision in favor of creating a new civil right to gay marriage as a great victory for equality. As Bible believing Christians who believe in a higher power than the Supreme Court, we grieve for the further decline of our nation. To my fellow Bible believing Christians – you need to realize the gay rights assault on Christian values is not over with.

This has always been about more than gay marriage

Christian friend, if you think this battle was simply about gay marriage you would be sadly mistaken. This battle that has been actively and publicly waged since the mid 90’s for gay rights has always had its goal as the total acceptance of homosexuality in our culture. While there are some homosexuals who do not believe in forcing homosexual acceptance on Christians (or forcing Christians to service gay weddings) they are in the minority of homosexuals.

This was the progression gay rights advocates have used to try and accomplish their goal of total acceptance of homosexuality:

  1. First they argued against Sodomy laws(laws criminalized homosexual sex) as an invasion of privacy and they won with the Supreme Court overturning all Sodomy laws in the United States in 2003(Lawrence v. Texas).
  2. At the same time they wage a public relations campaign by pushing Hollywood producers to produce more films and TV shows with gay couples to subtly change public opinion about homosexuality.
  3. They then began to push for gay marriage as civil right, as right of equal protection through the Federal appellate courts. They picked the most liberal appellate courts first – and thus forced States where the will of the people had banned gay marriage – to go against their people and allow gay marriage.
  4. With most appellate courts coming down in favor of gay marriage – this pressured the swing vote of the Supreme Court, Justice Kennedy, to feel that he had to vote with the other 4 liberal justices to create a new civil right to Gay marriage.
  5. Shut down all public condemnation of homosexuality, all “gay to straight” conversion programs, and all Christian businesses that refuse to service gay weddings or events that honor homosexual relationships.

 

The 5th phase of the Gay Rights Advocates agenda of total acceptance had already begun before the Supreme Court today created the new “civil right” of gay marriage.

Consider these cases in the news in recent years:

A 70 year old florist being sued for refusing to provide flowers for a gay wedding

“The court also ruled recently that both the state and the same-sex couple, who each filed lawsuits against her, may collect damages and attorneys fees not only from her business, but from Stutzman personally. That means the 70-year-old grandmother may not only lose her business, but also her home and savings because she lives her life and operates her business according to her beliefs.

“The message of these rulings is unmistakable: The government will bring about your personal and professional ruin if you don’t help celebrate same-sex marriage,” said Kristen Waggoner, senior counsel for Alliance Defending Freedom, who argued before the court in December.

The decision against Stutzman sets a dreadful precedent against our first freedom in the Bill of Rights: religious liberty. The court says that she is free to believe what she wants, but not to practice her religious beliefs. The court has ruled that if she wants to run a business in the state of Washington, she must defy her conscience and participate in same-sex weddings. If she does not, then the full coercive power of the state — as well as civil liability — will be brought against her.“

http://www.cnn.com/2015/02/20/living/stutzman-florist-gay/

Mennonite Couple Refuses to Host Same-Sex Wedding; Files Lawsuit Against Iowa Civil Rights Commission

“A Mennonite couple that owns an art gallery in Iowa has filed suit against the state’s Civil Rights Commission over being threatened with punitive action for refusing to host a same-sex wedding on their property.”

http://www.christianpost.com/news/mennonite-couple-refuses-to-host-same-sex-wedding-files-lawsuit-against-iowa-civil-rights-commission-106308/

Christian bakery couple faces 135,000 in fines for refusing to bake wedding cake for gay couple

“Aaron and Melissa Klein ran a small bakery called “Sweet Cakes by Melissa” for seven years in Gresham, Oregon, but had to shut down their store in 2013 after Rachel Cryer and Laurel Bowman filed a civil rights complaint against them. Administrative judge Alan McCullough ruled Friday that the funds will go to Cryer and Bowman for “emotional, mental, and physical suffering.”

https://biblicalgenderroles.com/2015/04/27/christian-couple-faces-135000-fine/

Christian florist couple in Iowa get out of wedding flower services after legal battle over refusal to service gay wedding

“The Christian owners of a flower shop, restaurant and wedding venue in Grimes, Iowa, have decided to no longer offer any wedding-related services after facing a contentious legal battle following their refusal to host a gay couples’ ceremony.”

http://www.theblaze.com/stories/2015/04/13/they-refused-to-host-a-gay-wedding-and-the-hateful-response-profoundly-damaged-them-now-they-say-god-has-given-them-no-fear-to-speak-out/

A Christian facility sued for not allowing same sex civil union to be performed on its premises

OCEAN GROVE, New Jersey, January 13, 2012 – A New Jersey judge ruled against a Christian retreat house that refused to allow a same-sex civil union ceremony to be conducted on its premises, ruling the Constitution allows “some intrusion into religious freedom to balance other important societal goals.”

https://www.lifesitenews.com/news/judge-rules-christian-facility-cannot-ban-same-sex-civil-union-ceremony-on

Christian based adoption agencies may be forced to closed

“Adoption services that have, for 100 years or more, provided children with good, safe and traditional homes with a male husband and female wife are facing a take-it-or-leave-it scenario in the new legal landscape: Accept the sweeping social change in the most elemental compact in the history of mankind — the nuclear family formed by the marriage of one man to one woman — and abandon 2,000 years of dogma by continuing to find children homes through adoption services, including same-sex couples; or close up shop.”

https://www.osv.com/OSVNewsweekly/ByIssue/Article/TabId/735/ArtMID/13636/ArticleID/14666/Tough-times-for-Catholic-adoption-agencies.aspx

New Jersey outlaws gay to straight conversion therapy for children

“Licensed therapists are banned from using conversion therapy to try to change a child’s sexual orientation from gay to straight”

http://www.nj.com/politics/index.ssf/2013/08/christie_signs_bill_banning_licensed_therapists_from_using_gay-to-straight_conversion_therapy_on_kid.html

I could show more cases – but you get the point. Gay rights advocates did not just want the freedom to have homosexual sex in private, nor just partner rights (such as power of attorney) or even what they won today – the right of gay marriage.

There end game is to force by law, and through the threat of total financial ruin and other penalties, the complete and total acceptance of the homosexual lifestyle on all of our society.

The battle gay rights advocates will never win

This final battle for the total acceptance and approval of homosexuality (which is what their end goal was the entire time) will never be won. Gay rights advocates will NEVER convince Bible believing Christians that they must accept gay marriage as moral and right, or that they must provide any type of wedding related or other services that honor homosexual relationships.

Notice I said “Bible believing” Christians. Gay rights advocates may be able to convince some liberal Christians who have abandoned a belief in the Bible as the literal Word of God to accept gay marriage – because these Christians have no anchor and thus they have no foundation for their version of Christianity.

If there is one thing that has been proven about Christianity over 2000 years – it is that persecution strengthens the Church.

When the Church is persecuted – that is when it grows and strengthens. This issue of gay marriage and Christians being sued over non-acceptance of homosexuality will serve as a lightning rod to galvanize Christians. Catholics, Methodists, Baptists, Lutherans and Christians of many other denominations will stand arm and arm against this assault on our faith.

Conclusion

So to gay rights advocates I say – you may have been able to convince a large part of our population to think there is nothing wrong with your way of life – but you will never convince or convert Bible believing Christians into accepting your lifestyle or to service your weddings or other events than honor homosexuality.

Christians have faced far greater persecution than what you or the courts can bring against us and in your futile attempt to force total acceptance of homosexuality – you will actually strengthen and galvanize Bible believing Christianity, and if you are not careful you may turn others against you as they see the results of your persecution of Christians.

Does the Bible teach “happy wife happy life”?

/ biblicalgenderroles / 3 Comments

HappyWifeHappyLife

Husbands or engaged men – you may have heard the phrase “happy wife –happy life”. There are signs and plaques sold all over America, often bought for men to follow this advice as they enter marriage. Many churches have incorporated this idea into their marriage courses and counseling programs.

But the first question that any Christian man should ask is “what would God have me do?”

What does it mean to make your wife happy?

The first truth must understand is that you can’t “make your wife happy”. You can’t “make” anyone happy. People (including you), choose whether they will be happy or not. Some people choose to be happy in what most of us would consider the worst of conditions, while others are never able to be happy, no matter how much money or power or pleasures that may come their way.

Many who believe in the “happy wife-happy life” idea, would acknowledge the truth of what I just said. But they would clarify that what they mean is, “A husband should listen to his wife, and do what she asks. He should study what his wife likes and do those things for her to attempt to please her.”

So what’s wrong with trying to please your wife?

Nothing in and of itself. In fact most men have a natural desire to please their wives, especially in the dating period, engagement period and newlywed period. But for you as the Christian man, you have someone who you need to please more than your wife, and that person is God.

The Apostle Paul alludes to the choice every Christian husband must make in his first letter to Corinthian Church:

“I want you to be without concerns. An unmarried man is concerned about the things of the Lord—how he may please the Lord.  But a married man is concerned about the things of the world—how he may please his wife— and his interests are divided…

Now I am saying this for your own benefit, not to put a restraint on you, but because of what is proper and so that you may be devoted to the Lord without distraction.” I Corinthians 7:32-33 & 35(HCSB)

Paul recognized that while marriage has it benefits, it also places a burden on men. Sometimes your wife may be your greatest ally in doing what you believe is right for your family before God. But even the best of wives, can at times cause a man to have to choose between what he believes would please God, and what he knows will please his wife.

A husband who chose to please God rather than his wife

“His wife said to him, “Do you still retain your integrity? Curse God and die!”

“You speak as a foolish woman speaks,” he told her. “Should we accept only good from God and not adversity?” Throughout all this Job did not sin in what he said.”

Job 2:9-10(HCSB)

Job is an example of man whose devotion to God was truly undivided. Job proved that it was possible to please God, and yet be married. He simply had to choose the courage to displease his wife (whose advice was sinful) and to please God.

A foolish wife destroys her home, and so does the husband that seeks to please her

“Every wise woman builds her house, but a foolish one tears it down with her own hands.” – Proverbs 14:1 (HCSB)

It is your responsibility as a husband to please God, and in the best interests of your family, to discern whether your wife’s advice, or her wants and desires are foolish or wise. The fate of your home and your family depends on your discernment.

How can a man know if pleasing his wife will displease God?

Every decision a Christian husband makes must always start with God’s purpose of marriage as defined in the Scriptures:

“Wives, submit to your own husbands as to the Lord, for the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church. He is the Savior of the body. Now as the church submits to Christ, so wives are to submit to their husbands in everything. Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave Himself for her to make her holy, cleansing her with the washing of water by the word. He did this to present the church to Himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or anything like that, but holy and blameless. In the same way, husbands are to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hates his own flesh but provides and cares for it, just as Christ does for the church, since we are members of His body.”

Ephesians 5:22-30(HCSB)

Marriage is meant to be a model of the relationship of Christ and the Church. A wife is to submit to her husband, as the Church submits to Christ. A husband is to sacrificially love his wife, as Christ loves the church.

An important point to remember though is, sacrificially loving your wife does not translate to “doing whatever she wants”. After you have been married many years, you will actually find that sacrificially loving your wife sometimes means sacrificing her happiness, to make her holy. It sometimes means confronting your wife as Job confronted his wife.

When Job called out his wife’s foolishness, he was attempting to “make her holy” as Ephesians 5 calls a husband to do. When a man’s confronts his wife’s sinful behavior, instead of overlooking it, or going along with her, he is sacrificing his own happiness, because let’s face it, no man likes to see his wife unhappy.

Holiness, not happiness, should be a husband’s first concern

The first way that you can know as a husband if pleasing your wife would displease God is by asking yourself this question – “If I do as she asks, or do this thing that would please her – would it break the model of marriage? Would it be unholy?”

But let’s face it, not every situation is spelled out specifically in God’s Word. We must look at the principles and commands of God’s Word, and if we are still not sure, pray and seek his wisdom.

“Now if any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives to all generously and without criticizing, and it will be given to him.” – James 1:5(HCSB)

Sometimes God may reveal that you should in fact listen to your wife, or that your wife’s desire in a particular situation would not displease the Lord. But if God reveals that pleasing your wife in a certain situation would displease him, you must have the courage to displease your wife, and do what God has called you to do.

Conclusion

“Happy wife-Happy life” is neither wise, nor Biblical. In many ways “Happy wife-Happy life” is a form of idolatry, it makes a man’s wife’s desires the central focus of his life, taking his focus off God. Adam, the first man, listened to his wife when she asked him to eat from tree of the knowledge of good and evil, and we know that decision did not lead to a happy life for Adam. Samson listened to Delilah and it cost him his life. Solomon was led astray by his wives into idolatry.

Even if you do something for your wife, buy something for her, or make a decision that you believe will please your wife, it will only result in a temporary period of happiness. When the next time arrives that she needs something, or some life decision needs to be made (big or small), again her happiness will hinge on whether what you have done pleases her or not.

But if you instead base your decisions upon what you believe God would have your family do, then sometimes it might please your wife, and other times it won’t. But in the end, true joy comes from pleasing God, not from pleasing ourselves, or even from pleasing our wives.

Christian man, whether you are engaged to be married, or if you are already married, there is nothing wrong with trying to please your wife. Putting her needs before yours, is part of what is means to love her. But remember, pleasing your wife cannot be the central focus of your marriage if you want your marriage to honor God. If you want the true joy that only God can bring, then you must put his will first and foremost.

“But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things will be provided for you.” – Matthew 6:33(HCSB)

 

Stories of Sexual Denial in Marriage – Episode 2

/ biblicalgenderroles / 10 Comments

Our next story of sexual denial is from a man named Mike.   He sent me this comment in response to a follow up post I did called “The Frustrated Feminist wife”. As you will see from his post, he disagreed with what I wrote.

Before Mike begins his story he makes a comment about my posts about sexual refusal:

“There is no need to tell your wife “it is written in the Bible, you owe me”. If you are reduced to referring to Holy texts, your couple is in great communication trouble. I am married under God’s law and I will never consider that my wife owes me sex whenever I feel like it. Like many couples, we faced some challenges on the matter. Let me share two of them…”

A Christian husband should routinely be teaching his wife the Word of God. Why did Christ give himself up for his Church? To make her holy and blameless (Ephesians 5:25-27). He did this to conform her to his will and his Word.

Mike admits he was “married under God’s law” yet he says he would “never consider that my wife owes me sex whenever I feel like it”. But the same “God’s law” that calls marriage good and honorable, states this:

“The husband must fulfill his duty to his wife, and likewise also the wife to her husband. The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does; and likewise also the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. Stop depriving one another, except by agreement for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer, and come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.” – I Corinthians 7:3-5 (NASB)

The Bible says you owe your wife sex, and your wife owes you sex. God calls sex “a duty” in marriage, as opposed to a “privilege” which is how many modern marriage counselors falsely refer to it. I realize that Mike’s motives may have been pure, in thinking that it would be selfish for him to consider that his wife actually owed sex to him as a marital duty. But God defines what selfishness is, we don’t. It is not selfish for us to desire something that God designed us to desire, or to ask our spouse (husband or wife) to fulfill their marital duty.

I agree that couples need to communicate, and I have written on how the Scriptures say a husband has a Biblical duty to “know his wife”, and part of knowing his wife is him having regular and open dialog with her. But open dialog does not solve all issues. If a husband or wife has in their heart, an attitude or belief that directly contradicts God’s design and will for the roles of a husband and wife in marriage, all the dialog in the world will not solve such a problem.

Mike now begins the story of him and his wife:

“Three years ago, she had experienced lot of stress (deaths of relatives, job difficulties, etc.) which made her so tired and so sad that I could not even touch her. I was getting very frustrated. So I told her. I did NOT demand. I just explained that this situation was not ok for me, that I loved her and consequently I desired her. And that she could not expect me to say nothing after a whole month of frustration. So we talked about it. No bargain, no manipulation, no coercion. We just talked and we were equals in this discussion, both our needs were equals. She told me that she understood my feelings, that she wished she could do something about it, but that her body and her mind were dealing with pain and sorrow, so she could not give me what I wanted. So we discussed about what WE could do to make her feel better. What worked was not to offer her things and please her. What worked was to accept she was not me, to listen and to assist her in this difficult period of time. Eventually, she recovered from this. It took 3 months during which we had sex 2 or 3 times. Very very frustrating for me. But we came out of this stronger: I proved that I was far stronger than my flesh and that I valued her more than my personal needs. And she valued my efforts very deeply, she told me that she was thankful for what I did for her and that she felt even more in love with me (all this with big hearts in her eyes… I just melt!)”

First and foremost let me say that I understand when a wife loses loved ones, or perhaps has job difficulties that these things could cause her great emotional pain to the point that she may have ZERO desire for sex. As I have stated on many occasions in this series, if a man sees that his wife is experiencing psychological issues due to temporary things (like the loss of loved ones, or job issues) he ought to be graceful towards her. Her emotional hurt and needs may temporarily outweigh his need to sexually connect with his wife.

This might last for a month, or several months, and I think Mike was right in bringing his frustrations to his wife but I would not have suggested in this situation that he use the disciplinary steps that I outlined in my previous post, at least not at this early juncture.

But what about if his story had been different. What if his wife continued to use the emotional stresses in her life to deny sex to him not for months? But for years? For decades? What if after the death of some relatives his wife decided he and she were only going to have a sex 5 times a year? I have received several emails from men who have experienced such things.

If his wife had continued having emotional problems to the point that it continued to be a detriment to his sex life, then it would have been right for him to seek counseling for her. If his wife refused counseling, or said she felt he did not need to have sex as much anymore then it would not just be his right, but his Biblical duty to confront her sinful attitude.

Now I want to zoom in on a particular statement he said that really caught my eye and I think it will be very helpful for the many Christian men and women who visit this site to see why this statement is wrong:

“But we came out of this stronger: I proved that I was far stronger than my flesh and that I valued her more than my personal needs.”

Even though he said that he and his wife regarded their needs as “equal”, in the end he came to believe their needs were unequal. His wife caused him to believe that his need to sexually connect with her was a fleshly desire, and her inhibitions towards sex were more noble and worthy of respect.

In fact I believe based on the rest of his story as we will see below, that his marriage actually became weaker after this crisis his wife faced. Why? Because he setup the pattern that it is was OK for her to deny him. Mike fell hook line and sinker for what our world teaches today – that sex is NOT about duty (contrary to God’s law) and that sex is all about feelings. “If you feel like doing it, then do it, if you don’t feel like it then you don’t have to”.   This is not God’s will or design for marriage or for sex.

Mike dives deeper into his wife’s thought process

“From a general perspective, my wife is not very fond of intercourse. She is completely fine with 3 or 4 times a month, I am completely NOT fine with this. 3 or 4 times a week, yes. A month, no. Don’t misunderstand me (or her): she likes it. But, as she explained to me, if she were the only one to start the game, she would come to me only 3 or 4 times a month. At the beginning of our marriage, I would get angry, even sometimes yell at her. She would get mad, and reply: “Am I supposed to force myself? Am I supposed to pretend? Because I can, but then, each time we will make love, you will never know if it was a true shared love or a fake love to contempt your own selfishness”

So here Mike reveals some deeper issues in his wife’s thinking. I don’t know what Mike’s “getting angry” looked like and perhaps he sinned and needed to confess his behavior to his wife. But as believers, we can get angry at sin, even the sinful behavior of our spouse, and it is not wrong for us to do so. Ephesians 4:26 says “Be ye angry, and sin not”.

The answer to his wife’s questions about “Am I supposed to force myself?” is YES Biblically speaking, she should have forced herself. God tells women to submit to their husbands in EVERYTHING. He tells both men and women they do not have the power or right to sexually deny their spouse.

There are many times we don’t “feel” like doing things.

As parents we may not feel like getting up in the middle of the night to take care of a sick child, but we must “force ourselves” to do so.

As employees, we may not want to go to work some days, but each day we must “force ourselves” to go to work.

While we are at work, our boss may ask us to do jobs that we do not like, but unless that job is morally wrong, we must “force ourselves” to do whatever our boss asks us to do.

In school, we may have classes we like, and classes we hate. But we must “force ourselves” to do the work for even the classes we hate.

Here Mike’s wife was mentally training her husband to see his sexual needs as “selfishness”, while her refusal to submit herself sexually to him was out of a noble desire for them to only have sex when it was a “true shared love”.  According to God’s Word “The wife does not have authority over her own body” and therefore it was his wife actions of sexual denial toward her husband that were truly selfish, not his being upset when she turned him down.

Mike’s wife convinces him that she is not the one in sin

“As we both consider that sex is a way to be one flesh [“That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh”. (Genesis 2:21-24)], I hated the idea that we could not be together in this. Even worst: I hated the idea that she could pretend to have great time with me when she was not. So I refused this option. But I was very very angry and frustrated: I wanted her to be like me, to want sex as much as I did. I realized she was right about being selfish. She was only telling me the truth, I was resenting her for this.”

Yes sex is a beautiful way to become “one flesh”, and in its most literal sense when the Bible says “they become one flesh” it means “they shall have sex”. This is why God commands that sex is to be a regular part of marriage, and never denied – because it the symbol of the union of a man and woman, very much in the same way that communion is symbol of our union with Christ and the Church.

This raises another important issue. What Mike points out here is what every man wants from his wife. He wanted her to desire him and to want sex as much as he did. But the truth is that women are very different than men. Some women may want sex as much or more than their husbands, but most women want sex less often like Mike’s wife.

As men we must accept that our wife may not always want sex as much as us, and that needs to be OK.

But here is a truth that every Christian wife needs to hear and take to heart:

You as a wife are capable of taking the right action, with the right attitude, even if you don’t have the same desire. You are capable of having sex with your husband, and not showing him “contempt” while meeting his sexual needs – you have only to choose to do what is right.

Mikes wife goes in for the kill

“She realized that she could not shut me out like this, that I was right to be frustrated. So we talked. A lot. We discussed about what was really important for each one of us, what would be fine, what would be great, what would be not acceptable, etc. I asked her to never force herself, so that it would always be true love between us. Though, I asked her what she would be willing to do to lower my frustration. She asked me to accept she did not want as much as me and not get mad about this. Though, she asked me if I would be willing to keep asking her, even if “no” was a probable answer (getting a “no” is hard! So keep asking? Harsh! ) We tried several “recipe” and finally found out a suitable compromise for both of us. The key? Always let room for a “no”. Always let our beloved one feel secure. And never blame her (him) for being honest. This is, from my humble point of view, what a genuine marriage relation should be.”

This conversion Mike had with wife shows her final transformation of his thinking. He states his wife knew it was wrong for her to shut him out and he was right to be frustrated. But by the end of their conversation she had convinced him that he was wrong for being frustrated by her “no’s”.

Mike’s wife might be unselfish in many ways. Perhaps she gives her time to her church to help feed the poor, or maybe she does other charitable work. She might be the most giving and caring mom. Maybe she does a great job of caring for the needs of Mike’s home and his children. But it is possible for a person to giving in many of areas of their life, and still utterly selfish in their marriage. Mike’s wife seems to be very selfish when it comes to her marriage and her husband’s needs.

Remember, Biblically speaking a person is not selfish for wanting sex when their spouse does not. A person is selfish for denying their spouse sex when they don’t feel like having sex.

So here is what Mike’s wife was really saying:

“I actually do want sex a few times a month. But during those few times when I want sex, I don’t want to have to come to you and ask for it. I want to be pursued. So what I want you to do is ask me for sex every time you want it and eventually you will ask for it on a day when I want it and I will say yes. But all those other times you ask and I don’t want it – I will say no. I want you to be ok with that, and not be frustrated or upset.”

THIS IS UTTER SEXUAL SELFISHNESS!

I wish I could say this is the first time I have heard of this scenario of sexual denial but it is not the first time. I have received many emails from men in a very similar scenario, and I even faced this with my own wife until I was willing to confront her sinful behavior in this area of sexual selfishness on her part. I use to experience this in my second marriage not long after we were married. I then confronted my wife’s sinful attitude about sexual denial and it got better. But it is a continual process as my wife’s thinking is highly steeped in feminist thinking (since her mother and grandmother are feminists).

Mike’s confusion over “The Frustrated feminist wife”

“I don’t understand the title of your article “the frustrated feminist wife”. You are dealing with wives refusing to have sex with their husband. When these wives tell you that there is no way they will force themselves into sex interaction, you call them “frustrated feminist”. I really don’t get it but this is a common place I often read from males (sorry, I really cannot say “husbands” here) that are the ones frustrated. I do agree though with the term “feminist” : feminist are people (and not only women…) that consider that men and women are equal in rights (i insist: “in rights”, not physically, strength, etc.). I am a man, I believe in God and I believe men and women are equal in rights. If you are teaching men that their wives owed them sex and their body because they are married, then I don’t think we understand God’s message the same way.”

Mike did not understand why I entitled my article “The frustrated feminist wife”.   He is thinking of men being frustrated sexually as he was (until his wife trained him that his frustration was selfishness on his part).   What I was showing in “The frustrated feminist wife” was how a feminist who sexually denies her husband (as Mike’s wife does him) can experience her own frustration when her husband stands against her sinful behavior. Her frustration is in the fact that when a man leads his home, and confronts his wife’s sin she may lose the things she cares about. She can’t have her sin without consequences from her husband. This is her frustration.

Mike also demonstrates the typical beliefs of a Christian egalitarian, that marriage is a partnership rather than a patriarchy and that sex is not a duty in marriage. But unfortunately for Mike, the Bible does not support his feelings in this matter. “God’s message” could not be clearer – “The husband must fulfill his duty to his wife, and likewise also the wife to her husband.”(I Corinthians 7:3)

Conclusion

I believe Christian husbands can learn from Mike’s mistake. Mike allowed his wife to convince him that her sexual denial was not sin – in spite of what God’s Word says. She even convinced him that his sexual frustration was actually based in selfishness on his part and she trained him to pursue her on a regular basis in which she would say no often – so on the few times she wants sex in a month she can say yes.

Christian husband, if you see yourself in this scenario – you have to accept the fact that you have been enabling you wife’s sinful behavior of sexual denial.

An important truth to understand is that this is about a lot more than sex, this is about rebellion on your wife’s part toward God and toward you.

God wants you confront sin in your home, whether it be with your children or with your wife. You cannot be afraid of her threats, or even of divorce. You must do what is right.

If you as a Christian husband see yourself in this post, I suggest that you read my post “8 Steps to confronting your wife’s sexual refusal”. I also suggest that you read my post “10 ways to know if you are sacrificing your faith for your wife”.

If you have a story of sexual denial that you would like to share – feel free to comment on this post or send me an email at biblicalgenderroles@gmail.com and just let me know if I can share part of or all of your story. Your name does not need to be mentioned or we can just make a fake name for you.

Many people in this situation feel alone as they have the Church on one side that seems to ignore this issue entirely, and on the other side they have non-Christians telling them there is no right to sex in marriage and they are being selfish for wanting sex more than their spouse.  When you share your story, you show others that they are not alone.

Stories of Sexual Denial in Marriage – Episode 1

/ biblicalgenderroles / Leave a comment

After almost a half a million views of my post, “8 Steps on how to handle your wife’s sexual refusal”, I have received thousands of emails, Facebook messages or comments to my blog. Many of these are not just comments, but stories of sexual difficulties between Christian married couples.

As I have time, I will sift through the mountain of emails and comments and try to apply the Biblical principles I have espoused to these situations. Let me be clear that I will only use a story in one of two situations. If you post a comment publically to my site, then I believe it is fair game to address it publically. I will also reveal stories that come via email – if the person gives me permission (which is rare).

This first story comes to me from an anonymous commenter and he begins with this:

“I’m a married man of 11 years struggling with the same issues. While my wife pretends to be a Christian, she has become an immoral woman and lives two lives. While I am not perfect, I’m a 100% faithful man who has given my all to the love and care of my wife and daughter. I love my wife with all my heart and find myself pleading for her affection, love, and compassion towards me. Nothing is given freely, or lately – given at all. While the mother of our 2-year old daughter, she’s placed her job and friendship with a lesbian over time with my daughter and I, and continually leaves me to do all the bidding (chores, “honey do,” etc). Given a good marriage working in partnership with one another, I would abide with gladness and do even more than she asks (which up until this minute, I have been – at least…doing all she asks). I am at the point now where I will give no further. We share few words, as we have for the past two, sexless years. I don’t know many men in their early 30’s who would tolerate such a thing. I find myself in a persistent state of acute jealously of all my friends whose wives love and respect them. I stay because I love my daughter immeasurably and I cannot bare the thought of her calling another man “daddy.” I have become the heel of the family – and while I’ve vocalized my disdain for the current situation – I’ve chosen sacrifice for the sake of my child and for what I now realize as the only reason.”

I wish I could say this is the first story I have heard of a Christian husband who has given his all to save his marriage, but it is not.

The first thing to realize is, these issues do not usually arrive overnight. They usually take time to reveal themselves and it appears that over his 11 year marriage he began to tolerate sinful behavior from his wife.

He tolerated her putting her job outside the home before her duties to him and their home. He even claims that if he was receiving the love he needed from his wife he would have continued to cover for her in the home. But I believe that would have been a mistake as well.

The Bible is clear what the duties of his wife are toward her husband:

To respect him

“Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife see that she reverence her husband” – Ephesians 5:33 (KJV)

To submit to him and obey him

“Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing.” – Ephesians 5:24(KJV)

To be his lover

“That they may teach the young women to be sober, to love their husbands, to love their children” – Titus 2:4 (KJV)

The phrase above “to love their husbands” – literally means to be “lovers of their husbands”

“Let her be as the loving hind and pleasant roe; let her breasts satisfy thee at all times; and be thou ravished always with her love.” – Proverbs 5:19 (KJV)

To give her body to him for sex whenever he needs it

“The wife hath not power of her own body, but the husband” – I Corinthians 7:4 (KJV)

To care for her home and her children

“I will therefore that the younger women marry, bear children, guide the house, give none occasion to the adversary to speak reproachfully” – I Timothy 5:14(KJV)

As you can see when you compare what the Word of God says a wife’s duties are in marriage, and compare this to the behavior of this man’s wife – godly discipline by this husband toward his wife is woefully overdue and needed in this situation. His wife has come to condone the sinful behavior of her lesbian friend and he as her husband would be well within his rights to tell his wife that she must break off this unhealthy relationship.

He continues with how he feels about this situation with his wife…

“I view my wife as an immoral woman, who has sold her being to her work and acceptance of others sins over her family and particularly the love of her husband. As a Soldier of 14 years, I know a bad deal when I see one but my marriage by no means compares to sleeping under the stars or the stresses of combat. My own resilience has become my greatest enemy in evaluating my current circumstances.”

This Christian husband uses the terms “sacrifice” and “resilience” to describe his toleration of his wife’s sinful behavior. Many good Christian men like this man have mistakenly thought that what they are doing in this situation is “sacrificing themselves for the greater good”. But the truth is they have actually been sacrificing their faith for their wife. You can read more about this in my post “10 ways to know if you are sacrificing your faith for your wife”.

He shows the decision he has come to…

“After two years, I’ve reached the point where I have to leave – where I have to get away – from the abuse inflicted on me by having my face rubbed in such wicked confidence and endless self righteousness, based on a worldly view and by no means God’s Holy Word. My wife challenges my views on homosexuality as it relates to her best friend, my service to my country as a Soldier, and as someone who believes in doing the right thing even when nobody is looking (my integrity). I may lose every worldly thing, but I cannot go on, hurting the best thing going on in my life and that is Christ alone.”

This Christian husband has finally realized he can no longer tolerate his wife’s sin. Even if confronting her means risking divorce and losing “every worldly thing” – he ready to do what is right. This man needs to surround himself with other Christian men that will encourage him and strengthen him for the spiritual battle to come. He needs to come to the Lord daily in prayer. God will work this out as he wills it.

He talks about false hope…

“Every so often, I get a glimpse of hope. A kind smile, my wife doing something completely out of the ordinary to gain my approval and maybe push the ball (the oven timer on our marriage) just a little further down the field. If all of my effort and love only gets me “D” effort from the woman who is supposed to protect my heart, I’m not leading the team and I certainly question my leadership in my family, outside of the military.”

I can’t tell you how many letters I received accusing me of advocating that men manipulate their wives into doing what is right in marriage. What I am advocating for is not manipulation, but the confronting of sin with discipline. Again as I have said repeatedly, I am not referring to a man physically abusing his wife. There are many non-physical forms of discipline. Christian men need to lead their homes and discipline their children AND wives when needed. Sometimes a man confronting his wife’s sin with godly discipline will result in divorce – and he must be ready for that very real possibility.

But in this case there is true manipulation going on by his wife. This is very common in these situations as well. Occasionally the sinful and rebellious wife realizes that she needs her husband so she will give him some false hope, some kindness in order to make him think that perhaps he is overreacting to her sin.

Maybe things will get better or so she wants him to think, so he will doubt his intentions to confront her sinful behavior.

He reveals his plan…

“Your proposed solution is my last ditch resort, and I’m going to take it. No matter how it ends, I won’t look back on my marriage and say I didn’t give it my very best. Thanks for sharing and allowing me to share.”

The proposed solution he refers to is my post “8 steps to confronting your wife’s sexual refusal”. I believe after reading this, as well as some more detailed information he sent to me privately, that this man’s wife is well overdue for some Biblical discipline from her husband.

I pray that God blesses this Christian husband’s efforts to confront the sin that has infested his home in the form of his wife’s behavior.

I also pray that if you as Christian husband see your marriage in this story, that you will have the courage to confront your wife’s sin and that you will no longer sacrifice your faith in order to appease your wife.

If you have a story of sexual denial that you would like to share – feel free to comment on this post or send me an email at biblicalgenderroles@gmail.com and just let me know if I can share part of or all of your story. Your name does not need to be mentioned or we can just make a fake name for you.

Many people in this situation feel alone as they have the Church on one side that seems to ignore this issue entirely, and on the other side they have non-Christians telling them there is no right to sex in marriage and they are being selfish for wanting sex more than their spouse.  When you share your story, you show others that they are not alone.

10 ways to know if you are sacrificing your faith for your wife

/ biblicalgenderroles / 8 Comments

In our last post, “What does it mean for a husband to love his wife as Christ loves the Church”, I showed that God calls on us as husbands to sacrifice ourselves as Christ did for his Church. I also gave some examples of how a husband should be willing to sacrifice himself for his wife.

I don’t claim that the examples I gave are an exhaustive list of ways a husband can sacrifice himself for his wife. However, our egalitarian Christian friends who reject the Biblical teachings of male headship over women attempt to use this Biblical command that husbands are to sacrifice themselves for their wives in order to convince men that they must give up their faith.

Give up their faith?

Our egalitarian friends might say “who said anything about giving up their faith? We are Christians too after all. We are not asking Christian men and women to give up their belief in Jesus Christ or the Gospel, we just asking them to give up their belief in an outdated Patriarchal system.”

First of all let me point out that that contrary to what many egalitarians and non-Christians teach, there are actually many devout Christian women of all ages who believe in male headship. They don’t all believe this because it is what their parents did, or how they were taught in church. They believe because of their own heart felt convictions after reading many passages in the Bible.

While the Gospel is one of the most important doctrines in Christianity, it is not the ONLY important doctrine in the Bible. The doctrines of the Trinity (that nature of God), Creation, the Church, and also of marriage and parenting are very important doctrines.

The totality of these doctrines, forms the essence of our faith. For Christians who believe that the Bible not only contains the Word of God – but it is the very Word of God, we cannot take scissors out and cut out all the sections of the Bible that clearly show God’s design, and command of male headship over woman.

Egalitarianism’s rejection of Biblical Inerrancy

Many Christians and non-Christians do not understand the concept of progressive revelation. When I say “progressive” I don’t mean “liberal”. “Progressive” refers to the fact that God revealed his law in stages. His moral law never changes but there were temporary civil, sacrificial and cleanliness laws he had for his people before Israel became a nation and after Israel became a nation.

The New Testament tells us that when God gave us the New Covenant of Grace under Christ, the Old Covenant God made with Israel as a nation was made obsolete. But that does not mean there is not much moral law in the Old Testament that is carried forward into the New Testament. Over 350 verses in the New Testament are quotes from the Old Testament. So while we are no longer under the civil, sacrificial or cleanliness laws of the Old Testament, God carried forward his moral law in the New Testament. This is not “cherry picky” this proper Biblical hermeneutics.

What that means for our egalitarian friends is – they can throw all kinds of obscure Old Testament civil, sacrificial or cleanliness laws at those of who still follow and accept God’s design of male headship. But it won’t work, because we understand that we are only under God’s unchanging moral. Part of his unchanged moral law is the headship of man over woman that is not only brought forward under the new law of Christ, but it is elaborated on and expanded upon.

This brings us to the New Testament itself – often times egalitarians attempt to point to the lack of specific language about the roles of husbands and wives in the Gospels. They say Jesus did not teach gender roles. What they miss is the fact that Jesus gave his Apostles authority to write his Word and his commands. He told them that whatever they bound on earth would be bound in heaven, and whatever they loosed on earth would be loosed in heaven.

So when the Apostles Paul and Peter wrote very specifically on male headship, it was as if Jesus Christ himself said it in the Gospels. This is why egalitarianism’s very foundation is built on the rejection of Biblical inerrancy. Once you reject Biblical inerrancy, you can then makeup any version of Christianity you want or any version of the Gospel you want because you decide what parts of the Bible you will listen to, and which ones you will not.

True sacrificial love for your wife and following Christ are not contradictory things

As a Christian husband you must understand that while God calls you to sacrifice yourself for your wife, he never calls you to sacrifice you faith for her or anyone else.

Christ said this in the Gospels:

“He that loveth father or mother more than me is not worthy of me: and he that loveth son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me.” – Matthew 10:37 KJV

This principle teaches us that we cannot put anyone, not even our wife, before our faith.

So as Christian husbands, our relationship with our wife sits firmly between our call to sacrifice ourselves for her needs and our call to put Christ and his commands before the wishes and desires of our wife.

So we know that if anyone – our friends, a counselor, other Christians or even our wife calls us to sacrifice something that we believe is inherent to our faith then we know it is not a true sacrifice but rather them calling us to reject our faith.

Two guiding principles for knowing when to sacrifice yourself for your wife and when to sacrifice for your faith

Principle 1 – Christ always comes first

With the principle that Christ and his commands come first – then anything our wife (or anyone else for that matter) asks us to do whether in our marriage or outside of marriage, must pass the test of God’s Word.

Principle 2 – You are called to be the head of your wife, as Christ is the head of the Church

The principle of male headship is found from the Old Testament to the New Testament and the best example is found in Paul’s letter to the Ephesians:

“For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the saviour of the body. Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing.” – Ephesians 5:23-24 KJV

10 ways to know whether you are sacrificing your faith for your wife

With our two guiding principles, following Christ’s commands, and following his specific command that men are to be the head of their home we now apply this to our decision making process with how we handle various issues in our marriage.

Question 1

Are you going against your own judgement in setting your family budget in order to please your wife?

Question 2

Have you gone into debt against your own judgement in order to not upset your wife?

Question 3

Do you allow your wife to spend money without any oversight or accountability in order to not upset her?

Question 4

Are you going against your own judgement in how to discipline your children in order to please your wife?

Question 5

Are you setting rules, or not setting rules for your children against your own judgement in order to please your wife?

Question 6

Are you allowing your wife to speak disrespectfully to you – especially in front of your children or other people?

Question 7

Are you allowing your wife to contradict your application of the Scriptures, your teachings to your children, your rules for their behavior with your children?

Question 8

Are you allowing your wife to routinely deny your sexual advances without legitimate medical or psychological issues? Or do you allow your wife to misuse her God given role as the “gatekeeper” of her sexuality to defraud you of your God given right to her body?

Question 9

Are you allowing your wife to put her career ahead of her duty to you as her husband, her children and her home?

Question 10

If your wife is a stay at home mom, are you overlooking laziness on her part? Does your wife spend her days watching TV, on the phone all day with family or friends, going shopping, or surfing the web while neglecting her home by failing to cook, clean, do laundry and properly care for her children? Do you overlook all this in order to avoid confronting her or upsetting her?

If you answered yes to any of these questions…

If you answered yes to any of these questions then you are sacrificing your God ordered headship and your faith in order to appease your wife or appease those around you in our modern American culture that has rejected God’s law and his design for marriage.

You have chosen appeasement to man over obedience to God.

The sacrifice most men today don’t want to make

Many good Christian men today, have chosen to sacrifice what they know is right – that God has called them to lead their homes, in order to maintain peace in their home. They know if they take any kind of leadership in their homes their wife will buck it, perhaps deny sex to them, or in a worst case scenario their wife will threaten to divorce them and take their children.

You can choose to change, you can choose to lead

“…stand firm in the faith, act like men, be strong.” – I Corinthians 16:13 KJV

You can choose Christian man, to be the man that God intended you to be.

What to do once you have made the decision to lead

Christian husband – I am not in any way saying here that you should go home, march in and tell your wife off for all the ways she may have done things that are mentioned in the questions above.

The very first thing you need to do is pray. You then need to examine yourself. Look at ways you may have sinned against your wife.

Look over these posts I wrote about knowing your wife, and honoring your wife. If you are asking your wife to follow your leadership, then you ought to be willing to follow God’s leadership – which says you need to know your wife, and honor your wife.

When you speak to her, do so in a respectful way. Confess any wrongs you may have done toward her. Tell her that after prayerful consideration and reading the Scriptures, God has shown you that you have not been the head of the home that he has called you to be.

You can then explain to your wife about what you taking the leadership of your home will look like, and the changes that will affect her.

Realize it might take some adjusting for her, and if she accepts this with a good attitude give her that grace.

What if she refuses to accept your decision to lead your home?

However, you must be prepared for the very real possibility that even if you approach your wife in a gentle and respectful manner about this issue of leadership, she may reject what you are going to do.  Let’s face it in choosing to obey God’s order that you lead your home, you have decided to go against the norms of our culture and take whatever will be thrown at you for following your faith.

In a follow up post I will address how to handle if your wife refuses to accept your decision to lead your home. But let me say this ahead of time, you need to lead whether she chooses to follow or not.

What does it mean for a husband to love his wife as Christ loves the Church?

/ biblicalgenderroles / 2 Comments

God tells us as Christian husbands that we are to love our wives as Christ loved the Church and gave himself up for her. This is both a beautiful picture and at the same an intimidating proposition for any Christian husband. God tells us that our relationship with our wife is much more than just any human relationship. Marriage is a symbol, of the relationship between God and his people, and as such, we as men have the awesome and solemn responsibility of modeling God’s attributes toward his people in our relationship with our wife.

The Apostle Paul, writing under the inspiration of God states:

“Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it” – Ephesians 5:25 (KJV)

Not only does Paul tell us as husbands to love our wives as Christ loved the Church, but he follows that statement with the greatest example of Christ’s love for his church, that he “gave himself up for it”.

I would venture to guess that most Christians and even many non-Christians would wholeheartedly embrace this statement of the Apostle Paul. Feminists and egalitarians love this teaching (although they hate the previous statements about submission).

How to did Christ give himself up for his Church?

A lot of people think the only way Christ “gave himself up” for the Church was in dying on the cross for our sins and while I would agree that was the greatest way he “gave himself up”, it was certainly not the only way he did.

“Let this mind be in you, which was also in Christ Jesus:  Who, being in the form of God, thought it not robbery to be equal with God:  But made himself of no reputation, and took upon him the form of a servant, and was made in the likeness of men:  And being found in fashion as a man, he humbled himself, and became obedient unto death, even the death of the cross.”

Philippians 2:5-8(KJV)

Christ as part of his sacrifice for us confined himself to an earthly body. While he was still fully God and at the same time fully man, he chose not to use all his powers. Christ not only sacrificed himself on the cross, but he also sacrificed himself every day for 33 years by confining himself to mortal human form. Jesus Christ, being the very God who created the universe, humbled himself to the point that he washed his Apostles feet.

Why did Christ give himself up for his Church?

This is a question that many Christians fail to ask, or they will give it a simple answer. Many might answer “He died to pay for our sins” and leave it at that. While it is true that Christ gave himself up for our sins that is not the ONLY reason he gave himself up.

Paul tells us not only that Christ gave himself up for the Church, but he tells us why he did it:

“that he might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word, that he might present it to himself a glorious church, not having spot, or wrinkle, or any such thing; but that it should be holy and without blemish.” – Ephesian 5:26-27(KJV)

Christ did not sacrifice himself only to give us eternal life in heaven when we die. He did this also to sanctify his Church, or to make her holy. He washes her and cleanses her through his word.

When Christ died on the cross he gave us positional sanctification – this makes it as though we never sinned when we die and face judgement – God will only see Christ’s righteousness when he looks at us. But that does not mean he wants us to keep sinning in the here and now because he has purchased our salvation. Instead he wants us to fight against our sin nature and live holy and righteous lives even in these sin cursed bodies, something we can only do through submission to his word and his will, and only with the help of his Holy Spirit – this is called progressive sanctification.

How a Christian husband can love his wife the way Christ loves his Church

So now that we understand how Christ loved the Church – by giving himself up for her, and also why he loved the Church – to make her holy we can practically apply these truths to how a husband can “give himself up” for his wife.

A man sacrifices himself when he marries a woman

I had a friend from high school who dated many women but always ended up breaking up with them. Years later when we were in our thirties, I asked him why he had stopped dating, and he said he realized the reason he kept breaking up with all those women was because he did not want to make the sacrifices that marriage demanded.  He had many hobbies and he was on bowling leagues, baseball leagues and enjoyed his job and being with his friends and family. He felt that he would have to give up a lot of that if he were to get married and would have to sacrifice the things he wanted to do for his wife and kids.

While I might not agree with his selfish reasons for not getting married, I appreciated my friend’s honesty. Many men think they can get married and nothing will change, they can continue with all the same activities they did before they were married, but marriage takes time, sacrifice and work.

With marriage we gain companionship but with these blessings comes responsibility and obligation to sacrifice ourselves for our wives.

Five examples of a husband sacrificing or “giving himself up” for his wife

Here are some real life scenarios where you may be called to sacrifice yourself as a husband:

  1. Your wife has been caring for a sick child all day and the house is a wreck and no dinner is made when you get home from work. You would need to sacrifice yourself for her by making dinner and taking care of the other kids.
  2. Your wife is sick – you will need to sacrifice yourself for her by taking care of the kids, dinner, laundry and all the other things she does, in addition to caring for her physical needs. In addition to these other sacrifices, you will also need to sacrifice you sexual needs for her greater physical needs at this time.
  3. Your wife experiences the death of a close friend or loved one, and this causes a great deal of emotional stress on her. You may need to help out more around the house while she is experiencing this emotional pain, and you will need to sacrifice your sexual needs for her greater emotional needs during this time.
  4. You’re getting ready to plan your hunting trip, taking the calendar and talking with your wife about the week you are thinking of going. She tells you that a church in the area is having a woman’s conference and she really would like to go. You sacrifice yourself by either canceling or rescheduling your hunting trip so that your wife can have her greater spiritual needs met.
  5. You are shopping for new furniture and you have given your wife the budget she has to spend. You see a set you would like, she compares it with a set she would like (and you really don’t like her set), but you sacrifice you preference for furniture for hers, knowing that she as the manager of your home needs to feel comfortable the type of furniture that goes in your home.

Conclusion

In this post we discussed the Biblical principle that God wants us as husbands to love our wives as Christ loved the Church and gave himself up for her. He gave himself up not only to pay for the sins of his Church, but also to make her holy and blameless. As husbands, God expects us to emulate Christ’s sacrificial love for his Church in how we love our wives. God expects us as husbands to sacrifice our own needs for the needs of our wife.

Now that we have discussed the Biblical foundation for a husband loving his wife sacrificially as Christ loves his Church, in my next post we will look at principles for Christian husbands to know whether they are sacrificing themselves or their faith for their wife in any given situation.

Can a Christian husband deny his wife equal access to his income?

/ biblicalgenderroles / 15 Comments

I have had this question asked to me a lot lately so I thought I would dedicate a post to this issue.  While a wife is Biblically entitled to be fed and clothed by her husband(Exodus 21:10 & I Timothy 5:8) she is NOT entitled to equal access to his income.

The only “equality” the Bible places in marriage is on the issue of sex, that both the husband and wife have an equal right to have sex with the other(1 Corinthians 7:4). But in the Biblical model of marriage, marriage is NOT an equal partnership, but rather a patriarchy(a male lead hierarchical relationship) that is symbolic of the relationship of God to his people.

“For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the saviour of the body. Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing.” Ephesians 5:23-24

Some egalitarians and Christian feminists attempt to try and point to Ephesians 5:21 where it says “Submitting yourselves one to another in the fear of God.” in order to cancel out the specific submission commands to women in the context of marriage.  They do this in order to try and prop up their false “mutual submission” and “partnership” style of marriage.  But this does not match the context and it makes no sense. If man and woman were equal partners in marriage(with no hierarchy) – this would break the model of Christ and the Church where he is the head, and the church is to submit to Christ in everything.

Another Bible passage egalitarians and Christian feminists point to in order to cancel out the mountain of Biblical passages that support the patriarchal view of marriage is found in Galatians:

“There is neither Jew nor Greek, there is neither bond nor free, there is neither male nor female: for ye are all one in Christ Jesus.” – Galatians 3:28

Context is ALWAYS important when looking at the Bible(as well as any other book). In Galatians 3 Paul was not speaking on marriage, but rather on the new entity that God created, the Church .  He was saying that spiritually speaking we as believers are equal spiritually before Christ.   God equally saves men, women, Jews, Greeks, slaves and freemen the body of Christ is made up all these people – this is what Paul was saying.

Egalitarians and Christian feminists would have us believe that Paul literally just canceled out everything he wrote on the submission of wives to husbands,the headship of husbands over their wives and the general headship of men over women(Ephesians 5:23-24,Colossians 3:18,Titus 2:5,I Corinthians 11:3 & I Timothy 2:11).

They would also have us believe that Paul was directly contradicting Peter who also commanded wives to be in subjection to their husbands(I Peter 3).

No where in ALL of the Scripture is marriage EVER portrayed as equal partnership.

Recently I have had many Conservative Christians emailing me privately and some commenting publicly about how happy they are that I am presenting the Biblical view of marriage, despite how it totally conflicts with the modern western view of marriage.  But I have actually received comments and emails from some atheists and those who have left Christian churches.

While these people(atheists and non-Christians) detest the Biblical view of marriage they have actually said they appreciate that I am not trying to do what many Christians do – and read egalitarianism into the Bible.  The Bible and egalitarianism could not be more contradictory, and even non-believers who take the Bible at face value can accept this(and that is why they reject Christianity).

It is sad that many professed Christians continue to refuse to accept this truth and instead continue to try and replace God’s design of marriage with their “equal partnership” idea of marriage even though it directly conflicts with what God has clearly revealed in his Word.

Applying the Biblical principle of male headship to marital finances

So no, Biblically speaking both spouses do NOT have an equal right to what the other makes. The husband is the authority of all income that comes into the home, whether through his wife or himself.

A husband can deny access to his income as long as he is providing the necessities of food, clothing and shelter to his wife. He may do this because his wife spends too much money, or he may use it as a form of discipline for other sinful behavior.

But there may not be any negative reason why he chooses not to give complete and equal access to the family finances.  Some men might do this in order to shield their wife from some of the financial stresses the family may face. Whatever the reason, the truth is from a Biblical perspective a husband does not have to open the family finances to his wife.

However, this truth does not mean he is released from talking with his wife and knowing from her perspective what she thinks are the financial needs of herself, their children and their home.  Out of respect for his wife’s position as the manager of his home and children, and also because a husband ought to know his wife’s opinions, he should regularly inquire of his wife what she thinks the home needs are.

Is there anything wrong with a husband choosing to give his wife equal access to the family finances?

No there is nothing wrong Biblically speaking when a husband chooses to give his wife equal access to the family finances.  Some husbands might choose to delegate the weekly paying of bills to their wife and there is nothing wrong with this.  But these same husbands must realize, that while they can delegate the actual paying of weekly debts to their wives, they can never delegate their responsibility to lead the families finances.

However, a Christian husband is not permitted to have a “hands off” approach to the finances where his wife handles all the money and he has no idea what is going on – this is by definition dereliction of  a husband’s duty to lead his home in this very important area of finances.   A Christian husband should be setting the financial policies of the home and setting a budget(after gathering the needs of the home from his wife’s perspective of course), and planning for things like family vacations and savings for emergencies.

What if the husband refuses to work or improperly spends money?

A wife cannot discipline her husband because she is not his authority. If he is doing something wrong, like not providing for her or their family such as in the case of a lazy husband who sits at home all day, then she can go to his authority in the Church(the Pastor) and have the Pastor deal with her husband’s sin.

This could also apply to a husband who has a gambling problem or a drug addiction and leaves his family with no food, clothing or shelter. In this case a wife does have recourse, because even though she is under his authority, her husband is sinning against her and violating the rights of her and her family to be properly provided for and she can take action by going to those who are in authority over her husband.

In a worst case scenario if a husband refuses to provide for his wife and children after being confronted by his authorities and she has consulted with her Pastor and he agrees, she could divorce him for breach of the marriage covenant which includes his responsibility to provide for her if he is physically able to work.

Conclusion

The scriptures tell Christian wives that they are to submit to their husbands in “everything“(Ephesians 5:24) and this includes in the area of finances.  A Christian husband is to be “one that ruleth well his own house”(I Timothy 3:4) , and he does not have the option to take a “hands off” approach in this very important area.

A husband may choose to give his wife equal access to the finances, or he may choose not to.  He may restrict her access temporarily because of her overspending or because of other issues in the marriage.  There may be no problems in the marriage, but it is still his prerogative as the head of the home whether he will grant her full and equal access to the family finances.

However, a Christian husband’s authority in the financial area carries with it his responsibility toward his wife to talk with her and understand her opinions as to what she, the children and the house need. Only then through prayerful consideration and taking his wife’s concerns into account, can he make wise and informed decisions about the financial direction he will take his family in.

Ultimately, if the finances of a home are in disrepair God holds the husband as the head of the home directly responsible. We need to be encouraging more Christian men to take a more active role in leading their families in all areas of life, and especially this very important area of finances.

And for all those “abuse accusers” out there, this is not “financial abuse” according to our creator and God but rather this is the order and responsibly he has given to Christian husbands to provide for and lead their homes in this important area of finances.