Month: March 2024

Why you should’nt Always Be Kind To Your Wife

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Most people, including most Christians, would be furious at the very idea that there are times that a man should NOT be kind to his wife. And this is because despite living in the Information Age, people in America and the rest of Western Civilization are woefully ignorant of concepts our ancestors understood well.

What is also sad is how many people will simply read the title of this post and not read past the first paragraph to have their preconceptions about kindness challenged. But if you are a person who is strong enough emotionally and spiritually to have your beliefs challenged, then I encourage you to keep reading.

The Bible commands all Christians to “be ye kind one to another” (Eph 4:32) and it specifically tells husbands to “render unto the wife due benevolence” (1 Cor 7:3) and “benevolence” translates the Greek word for kindness.

Kindness Is Not the Only Duty of a Husband

Men have a God-given duty to be kind to their wives.

However, a man’s duty to be kind to his wife is only one of many duties God has given him. And the Scriptures never present a man’s duty to be kind (pleasing) to his wife as what should be the driving force in his life.

Men also have the God-given duties to rule over (exercise control over) their wives as well as lead, provide for, protect, teach, rebuke and discipline their wives.
(Gen 3:16, Eph 5:23-29, 1 Cor 14:35, Rev 3:19)

Men also have the God-given duties to provide for, protect, teach, rebuke and discipline their children.
(Deut 6:6–7, Prov 13:22, Eph 6:4, Heb 12:7-11)

Men are not just called to work to provide for their wives and children, but they are called to be diligent in their work, increasing their skills and making their mark on the world through their life’s work.
(Psa 104:23, Prov 27:23, Ecc 9:10, Col 3:23)

Men have a God-given duty to “use” (Rom 1:27) their wives to “satisfy” (Prov 5:19) all their sexual desires in order “to avoid fornication” (1 Cor 7:2).

When Should A Man Be Unkind (aka displeasing) to His Wife?

A man’s actions, whether it be what career he chooses, how many hours he works, his rules for the children, his rules for his wife and what he desires from her sexually may not always be pleasing to her.

There are going to be times when a wife will not like her husband’s job or the hours he has to work at his job.  She may even be angry or hurt by the kind of work he is doing.  But each man must choose his own path when it comes to his career.  His wife cannot choose for him.

Should men seek career advice? Absolutely! But men should seek advice in these matters from other elder men with experience in the careers they seek to enter.  Their choice to enter a career should not be based on the emotional whims of their wife.

On the issue of rules and discipline for the children.  Should a man include his wife’s advice? Yes.  Especially when the children are younger as women are gifted with greater insight into how to handle small children.   Does this mean he cannot consult others as well or even his own father and mother as to how to handle things with his children? No. He absolutely can and should consult with other elder wise people.  

In other words, a wife must understand that when it comes to how her husband will make rules and policies for their children, she is but one voice in that discussion.  A very important voice to be sure, but certainly not the only voice.

Should a husband seek to please his wife in the marital bed? The answer is sometimes, but not all time.  If a man seeks to always have sex when and how his wife likes to have sex then he will inevitably be left unsatisfied sexually which will cause him to be far more tempted to commit fornication.  This is why the Bible commands men to use their wives to satisfy all their sexual desires so that they will be less tempted to commit fornication.

In other words, for a man to fully use his wife to satisfy his sexual desires as God commands, he may need to have sex with her at times and in ways which are displeasing (unkind) to her.  And there is no sin in this because God does not require that a man be kind(pleasing) to his wife in all things and at all times, not even in the sexual arena.

And for those who claim that “sex is not a need, it is only a want”.  The Bible shows that sex is a need for both women and men.  The Bible commands both husbands and wives not to deny sex to each other (1 Cor 7:3-4).   The Bible also compares a woman’s need for sex to that of her need for food and clothing (Ex 21:10-11)  and it compares a man’s need for sex to the human need for water (Prov 5:15).  What do humans need more often – food or water?  The answer is water.  And the Bible in using these different comparisons shows that men need sex much more often then women do.

Not only do men need sex more often than women, but they also need to be “ravished” (Prov 5:19) by their wives.  This literally has the idea of a man being sexually intoxicated by his wife.  And what makes a woman sexually intoxicating to a man? It is him knowing he can have her anytime and any way in which he so chooses.  It is her acting desirous to have sex with him in the ways which please him most. 

A woman who only has sex with her husband on her terms (when and how she wants it) will fail to ravish her husband.  This may bring some satisfaction for the husband, but it will never bring sexual intoxication or total satisfaction.

My point here is that whether it is the husband having to correct his wife for something she said or did wrong or him making a family decision she does not agree with or him having sex with her at a time or in a way she does not like – a man will sometimes have to act in an unkind (displeasing) way toward his wife to fulfill his other duties in this life.

When Should A Man Be Kind To His Wife?

Now that I demonstrated that a man’s duty to be kind to his wife is one of just many duties we are left with this question – How can a man fulfill his God-given duty to please his wife without compromising his other duties?

The answer to the question above is found in another question that a man must continually ask himself on a daily basis: “Will this act of pleasing my wife cause me to fail in any of my other duties?”

Often times the answer to this question will be “no” – that it a man pleasing his wife does not conflict with his other duties.  And men should certainly seek out ways in which they can be kind (pleasing) to their wives. 

But in their efforts to be pleasing to their wives, husbands must never loose sight of all the other duties God has given them in this life.   God did not create man to please his wife, but rather God created man to glorify God by imaging him with his life (1 Cor 11:7).

Can a Man’s Duties Sometimes Conflict?

Yes. 

Sometimes one duty a man has will trump another temporarily.

For instance, a man’s duty to be diligent in his work and to use his wife to satisfy his sexual desires may sometimes be trumped by his duty to care for his wife when she has serious health issues.

Still other times a man’s work will take him far away from home for a period causing him to not be able to fulfill his duty to give himself in the marital bed to his wife and to be present for his children.  

This is the balancing act that God has given to each man to perform in his life.

What the Bible Does and Does Not Say About Modesty

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The Bible tells women in 1 Timothy 2:9-10 to dress modestly.  But contrary to the teachings of many conservative Christians, the Bible never actually specifies an exact dress code for women.  Instead, it gives principles which should guide women in how they dress.  Are you ready to have your views about modesty challenged? Then I would encourage you to listen to my new 3-part podcast series on this subject on BGRLearning.com.

A couple months ago I heard a sad story about a woman whom I respect, a woman who teaches women how to be godly Christian women from the Bible. A woman who rightly believes what the Bible says about women being submissive to their husbands and women being keepers at home. The sad story I heard, straight from her own posts on Instagram and Twitter, was that she had proudly confronted the wife of her pastor for what she believed was her wearing immodest clothing to church.

And that was what prompted me to produce this three part series on modesty for women. So many conservative Christians pour their own definitions of what they think modesty is into that word and then judge other Christians by what they think it is.

Are you prepared to have your views of modesty challenged? Then click below to listen to this series.

What the Bible Does and Does Not Say About Modesty

Does God Want Women to Have Long Hair?

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Most Christians are woefully ignorant of 1 Corinthians chapter 11 and its commands regarding the two coverings that God requires on women.

Recently I had the following comment and questions from a reader calling herself Gillian in response to my previously article “Why Christian Women Should Wear Head Coverings”:

“This command has always niggled at me and I’m grateful for your clear explanation. I’m wondering about a hypothetical situation such as if a woman has cancer or another medical condition, and doesn’t have hair as a result. Is that to be considered shameful? Also should she wear a wig to make up for it?

My grandmother has always liked a short pixie cut for her hair but scripture seems to say that a woman must have long hair. Do you think that a woman should have long hair or else it is shameful?”

In my previous article “Why Christian Women Should Wear Head Coverings”, I showed that 1 Corinthians 11 speaks to two coverings that women are commanded to have – a spiritual covering and a natural covering.

1 Corinthians 11:4-6 alludes to the spiritual covering that is be worn on top of a woman’s natural covering:

“4 Every man praying or prophesying, having his head covered, dishonoureth his head.

5 But every woman that prayeth or prophesieth with her head uncovered dishonoureth her head: for that is even all one as if she were shaven.

6 For if the woman be not covered, let her also be shorn: but if it be a shame for a woman to be shorn or shaven, let her be covered.”

Some Christians misuse the phrase “If it be a shame for a woman to be shorn or shaven, let her be covered” to claim that this applies only in a society if it is in fact a shame for women to have short hair. But if the society does not think women having short hair is bad, then it is ok.

However, verses 14 and 15 of 1 Corinthians 11 shows that the Apostle Paul was in fact posing a rhetorical question in verse 6 when he stated the following:

“14 Doth not even nature itself teach you, that, if a man have long hair, it is a shame unto him?

15 But if a woman have long hair, it is a glory to her: for her hair is given her for a covering.”

The Apostle Paul shows us that women having long hair and men having short hair is not just a value in some cultures.  When he says “Doeth not even nature itself teach you...” he is referring to our original masculine and feminine human natures that he designed us with, before sin corrupted them. He is saying that he has built into us to know that men have short hair and women have long hair. This is why men are often much more attracted to women with long hair, that short hair.

Is there room for debate as to what constitutes short hair on men? Yes.  In older times some men might have had hair that was closer to their shoulders and not shaven in the back as most men do today.  But what is not up for debate is that we know historically long hair for a woman meant her hair length went well beneath her shoulders usually to at least her mid back if not her rear end.  This hair length difference clearly separated men from women and it was ordained by God.

Of course, we will have the naysayers who point to men like Samson who took Nazarite vows (Numbers 6:1-21) which forbid them from cutting their hair or other examples of women shaving their heads when in mourning for the death of loved ones.

These situations are exceptions to God’s commands regarding how men and women are to keep their hair and to do not cancel God’s commands under normal circumstances.

What If a Woman Cannot Grow Her Hair Long?

Are there some women for whom it is impossible to grow their hair long due to medical conditions or advanced age? Yes.  So, what should women in these situations do? Must they go and purchase wigs to wear?

The answer is found in the story of the widow’s mite in Luke 21:1-5 where the Bible states the following:

“1 And he looked up, and saw the rich men casting their gifts into the treasury.

2 And he saw also a certain poor widow casting in thither two mites.

3 And he said, Of a truth I say unto you, that this poor widow hath cast in more than they all:

4 For all these have of their abundance cast in unto the offerings of God: but she of her penury hath cast in all the living that she had.”

God does not judge us by what we cannot do, but rather he judges us by what we can do and simply choose not to do.

The Bible says in James 4:17 “Therefore to him that knoweth to do good, and doeth it not, to him it is sin.”

If a woman cannot grow any hair due to chemo treatments or other health conditions – then she is doing all she can do.  If a woman can only grow a small amount of hair due to her advanced age, then again, she is doing all she can do.  Nowhere does God say if a woman cannot grow her hair long that she must go and buy a wig and wear a wig. And yes, they had wigs back in biblical times.

Is there a case to be made for women to buy wigs and wear them if their husbands prefer that they do? Yes.  Because God calls women to submit to their husbands in everything in Ephesians 5:24 and he commands that women are to be ravishing (sexually intoxicating) to their husbands in Proverbs 5:19.  

Having handled the exceptions for women who are incapable of growing long hair due to medical conditions or advanced aging God’s rule for women stands.

1 Corinthians 11:6-9 states the following:

“6 For if the woman be not covered, let her also be shorn: but if it be a shame for a woman to be shorn or shaven, let her be covered.

7 For a man indeed ought not to cover his head, forasmuch as he is the image and glory of God: but the woman is the glory of the man.

8 For the man is not of the woman: but the woman of the man.

9 Neither was the man created for the woman; but the woman for the man.”

If a woman shaves her head, or even cuts her hair short for any reason other than mourning the death of a loved one or for medical reasons, she shames herself before God and man. 

A woman wearing her hair long brings glory to both God and man. 

God commands that women are to have two coverings, not just one.   The natural covering of long hair and the spiritual covering of a veil when praying and worshiping in the church.

Does 1 Corinthians 5 tell Christians They Shouldn’t Tolerate Any Abuse From Anyone?

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Some Christians claim that “The Bible tells believers to avoid abusers and to expel the wicked from among us”.  But the does the Bible actually say this?

In response to my article “Why God Wants You to STAY in an Abusive Relationship” one of my readers wrote the following:

“The Bible tells believers to avoid abusers and to expel the wicked from among us.

1 Corinthians 5:13

1 Corinthians 5:9-11

It is false teaching to tell people to take unnecessary and wrongful abuse.

It is enabling sin.”

A quick glance at 1 Corinthians chapter 5 shows us that the entire context of the chapter is speaking to church discipline, not marital or even parent-child relationships.

1 Corinthians 5:1-4 (KJV) starts off as follows:

1 It is reported commonly that there is fornication among you, and such fornication as is not so much as named among the Gentiles, that one should have his father’s wife. 2 And ye are puffed up, and have not rather mourned, that he that hath done this deed might be taken away from among you.

3 For I verily, as absent in body, but present in spirit, have judged already, as though I were present, concerning him that hath so done this deed, 4 In the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, when ye are gathered together, and my spirit, with the power of our Lord Jesus Christ, 5 To deliver such an one unto Satan for the destruction of the flesh, that the spirit may be saved in the day of the Lord Jesus.”

The phrase “when ye are gathered together” is an unmistakable reference to the assembled church.  This entire chapter has to do with church discipline – not marriage.

Now can a church expel from their membership a man who has truly abused his wife? Absolutely they can. But they should be careful in defining what kinds of abuse allow for expulsion.   

For instance, if a woman came to her pastor and said “My husband calls me a bitch a lot – please expel him for verbally abusing me” – should the pastor expel her husband for that offense? The answer is no.

Instead, the Pastor should ask the wife “Have you ever called your husband a jerk?”  To which if she is being honest, she will probably answer “Yes”.  And then the Pastor should say “Then I must expel you by the same standard you want me to expel your husband”.

My point is when we understand that abuse means to mistreat someone in one way or another we need to be careful of saying the church should expel people for abusing their spouses.  Because the truth is, we all abuse our spouses even if it is calling them a name when we get angry or frustrated from time to time.

This is why the church must be clear that they will only expel men or women for SERIOUS abuse as opposed to common everyday abuses that husbands and wives may commit against one another.

Abuse that rises to the level of causing permanent, serious or life-threatening bodily injury could justify church discipline against the perpetrator.  Also abuse that breaks the marriage covenant such as a man failing to provide food and clothing or him withholding sex from his wife could justify church discipline toward such a man.  In addition, a church could expel a woman who breaks her marriage covenant by systematically refusing to have sex with her husband or because she has had sex with other men.

The Bible is crystal clear that those under the authority of masters SHOULD tolerate abuse from their masters.  And even sometimes we are called to tolerate abuse from our other authorities for the glory of the Gospel.

1 Peter 2:18-22 & 3:1-2 & 5-6 states the following:

“18 Servants, be subject to your masters with all fear; not only to the good and gentle, but also to the froward. 

19 For this is thankworthy, if a man for conscience toward God endure grief, suffering wrongfully.

20 For what glory is it, if, when ye be buffeted for your faults, ye shall take it patiently? but if, when ye do well, and suffer for it, ye take it patiently, this is acceptable with God.

21 For even hereunto were ye called: because Christ also suffered for us, leaving us an example, that ye should follow his steps:

22 Who did no sin, neither was guile found in his mouth: 23 Who, when he was reviled, reviled not again; when he suffered, he threatened not; but committed himself to him that judgeth righteously…

1 Likewise, ye wives, be in subjection to your own husbands; that, if any obey not the word, they also may without the word be won by the conversation of the wives; 2 While they behold your chaste conversation coupled with fear…

5 For after this manner in the old time the holy women also, who trusted in God, adorned themselves, being in subjection unto their own husbands: 6 Even as Sara obeyed Abraham, calling him lord: whose daughters ye are, as long as ye do well, and are not afraid with any amazement.”

The Scriptures are clear that those who are under masters are called by God to tolerate abuse – cruelty and unjust treatment at the hands of those masters.  And the Bible is clear that women are to regard their husbands as their masters.  Therefore, women MUST tolerate abuse from their husbands and in doing so they emulate Christ.

Is it right for men to abuse their wives in big ways or even in small ways? Of course not!

1 Peter 3:7 (KJV) says the following:

“Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honour unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered.”

God does not want men to mistreat their wives in any way. But in the beginning of this same chapter God acknowledges the reality that men, like women are sinners. And that men will mistreat (aka abuse) their wives, sometimes in small ways and sometimes in serious ways.

Must women tolerate all forms of abuse from their husbands? No.  Because the Bible also says in Exodus 21:26-27 that those under masters may be freed from their masters if their masters cause them serious and permanent bodily harm.

But there is no Biblical allowance for a woman (or man) to leave their spouse because of verbal or emotional abuse or even non-serious physical abuse such as slapping or leaving bruises.  

How Should Wives Respond to Their Husband’s Abuse?

The answer to how wives should respond to their abusive husbands is found in a passage we already cited above from 1 Peter 3:1-2:

“Likewise, ye wives, be in subjection to your own husbands; that, if any obey not the word, they also may without the word be won by the conversation of the wives;  While they behold your chaste conversation coupled with fear.”

First, it must be pointed out that in the old English of the KJV “conversation” meant “behavior”. God calls women to attempt to win their abusive husbands back to God, not with their words, but with their behavior toward their husbands. Wives are called to win their husbands by continuing to submit to and revere (fear) their husbands despite their sinful behavior.

How Should Men Respond to Their Wife’s Abuse?

The Bible is not a gender neutral book no matter how hard some Christians try to make it today. God calls for different duties and different responses from people depending upon their gender.

Just as parents are responsible to discipline their children for their wrong behavior, so too husbands are called to discipline their wives for their sinful behavior – whether that behavior is directed at them personally as the husband or toward others.

Unlike wives who are called to win their husbands without a word, husbands are called to wash their wives with the Word of God in Ephesians 5:25-27 (KJV):

“25 Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it; 26 That he might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word, 27 That he might present it to himself a glorious church, not having spot, or wrinkle, or any such thing; but that it should be holy and without blemish.”

The husband’s call to love his wife as Christ loves his church is not limited to him washing her with the Word, but also extends to him rebuking and disciplining his wife as Christ does his churches in Revelation 3:19 (KJV):

“As many as I love, I rebuke and chasten: be zealous therefore, and repent.”

To learn more about how the Bible says we should handle abuse and also the historical and biblically based practice of wife discipline see my podcasts below.

The Biblical Case For Domestic Discipline
A Husband’s Guide to Implementing Christian Domestic Discipline
Why God Wants You To Stay In An Abusive Marriage