Is the romantic approach to sex the only Biblical approach to sex in marriage?
The vast majority of church pastors and Christian teachers today would have Christians believe that a romantic and feminine centric approach to sex is the only approach to sex which God approves of.
Teachings like “Let’s get rid of duty of sex” and “Intercourse is not automatically intimacy” and “Real intimacy requires selflessness” are common teachings on some Christian Masculinity and Femininity Instagram pages.
The common thread in many of these teachings is if men seek sex with their wives in way that is more pleasing for themselves and not as pleasing to their wives that they are being “selfish” and “childish”.
And then we have other Christian Masculinity teachers making the following statements and encouraging their male followers to believe and emulate these statements:
“I don’t need sex from my wife, I don’t care about it, I don’t do anything for it…except be the most attractive version of me, and so therefore she is all over me like white on rice, because this is the standard.”
“You don’t NEED to have sex with your wife, you don’t NEED her to do anything for you…”
I am not arguing that the romantic approach to sex is bad or wrong. In fact, I see in the Scriptures that the romantic approach to sex is actually commanded of husbands.
However, the romantic approach to sex is not the only approach to sex that God commands of husbands toward their wives or of wives toward their husbands. And this is the truth that engaged couples as well as married couples need to understand and accept.
The truth is that the Bible teaches that there are two other approaches to sex in marriage besides the romantic approach and one of these other approaches to sex is actually commanded just like the romantic approach to sex is commanded.
A marriage which only incorporates the romantic feminine centric approach to sex is not honoring God because it does not fulfill all his commands and purposes for sex in marriage.
In my new two-part podcast series entitled “Three Biblical Approaches to Sex In Marriage” I answer these questions and more using Biblical principles, commands and sexual euphemisms:
What are the differences between the masculine and feminine sexual natures?
Do men and women need or just desire sex?
Is there a difference between intercourse and intimacy?
How is sexual selfishness defined?
Is it wrong for a man to see his wife as a sex object?
Is it wrong for a man to grope his wife?
Does a man always have to make sure his wife is in the mood before they have sex?
Is it wrong for a man to ask his wife do sexual things she is not comfortable with?
Is it wrong for a man to have dominant or rough sex with his wife in marriage?
How can husbands determine a proper balance between the three approaches as they seek to lead their wives sexually in marriage?
You click on the link below to go to my podcast site, BGRLearning.com and listen to this two part podcast and hundreds of other podcasts about sex, gender roles and marriage all from a Biblical perspective.
What does the Bible say about anal sex? Is there a difference between Sodomy and anal sex in the Bible or are they one and the same? Is anal sex allowed between a husband and wife in marriage? What are the health risks of anal sex? What if a husband and wife disagree about anal sex? All of these questions are answered in my latest podcast that you can find on BGRLearning.com.
This podcast is designed for engaged, newlywed or even couples who have been together for many years but have never explored this topic of anal sex. The answers to some of these questions above might just surprise you.
There are few things that Egalitarians hate more than an old man married to a young woman or a fat man married to a fit woman. But when it comes to men exercising their power over their wives, complementarians and even some patriarchists will join egalitarians in condemning the fat husband for expecting his wife to remain fit. But what does the Bible say about this situation?
I have already given principles of what should guide a man’s weight in previous posts in this series on fitism as well as general principles that guide a woman’s weight. In this final post on this topic of fitism, we will apply principles I have previously established to this issue.
And for all my critics of my view of fitism – no my wife is not fit, neither do I expect her to be – she has big breasts and a big rear end just the way I like it. We are both nearing our 50s and are overweight by government standards (CDC/NIH) standards. My point is – no I am not the fat guy expecting my wife to remain fit. My wife has never been fit since I met her and I like her fuller figure just fine.
Also, just for those who are wondering, I am pretty active physically despite having a sedentary job as a software developer. I take walking breaks during my work day and I also walk at night after work.
So now let’s get to the million-dollar question. And its actually a pretty quick and easy answer from a biblical perspective.
Is it fair for a fat man to expect his wife to remain fit?
It has always seemed strange to me that many traditional Christians reject egalitarianism in so many areas yet in this area of body fat percentage they lock arms with egalitarians.
A common statement we hear on the matter of weight and body appearance is that “Spouses need to keep their bodies sexually appealing for each other”.
Egalitarians, complementarians and even some patriarchists point to 1 Corinthians 7:4 to support an egalitarian view of sexual appeal – “The wife hath not power of her own body, but the husband: and likewise also the husband hath not power of his own body, but the wife.”
The claim is that 1 Corinthians 7:4 gives husbands and wives equal power over each other’s bodily appearance. But this is false. 1 Corinthians 7:4 is condemning sexual denial in marriage. It does not give a woman ownership over her husband’s body, it gives her access.
Another egalitarian argument which is also borrowed by complementarians and some patriarchists is “How can a fat man expect his wife to be fit? If he is fat then she should be able to be fat as well”.
All of these arguments show a denial of a crucial Biblical principle taught in 1 Corinthians 11:9 “Neither was the man created for the woman; but the woman for the man”.
Man was not created to be woman’s companion, to support her in her career goals, to care for her children while she works or keep the house. But rather, woman was created to do all these things for man.
Man was not created to be beautiful for woman or to bring her sexual pleasure. But rather, woman was created to do these things for man.
Some will ask “Why then does the Bible tell men not to deny sex to their wives?” The answer is that woman was created with a desire for sex and the ability to enjoy sex FOR man. And God expects men to make full use of his design of sex in marriage.
One of my followers going by the handle “verycuriousreader” wrote the following questions:
“Hey BGR, just curious if your thoughts on the red-pill have change with the evolution AWAY from Tomassi’s manifesto? Because of podcasts like Fresh N Fit, men like Andrew Tate, and even long-time speakers such as Rich Cooper; the narrative of the red-pill has changed largely from the Tomassi’s “men need game to get chicks, that’s all that matters.” Instead we now have a red-pill that aligns with the Tate brother’s principles of: Men MUST amass wealth to create power and influence in a 100% status driven society. Just curious if you had any evolving thoughts on it?”
What I have previously written about Rollo Tomassi’s particular flavor of Red Pill still applies to Andrew Tate’s flavor of Red Pill even if they are coming at it from different vantage points. There is some truth in what Tomassi says about male and female “intersexual dynamics” and in Tate’s view on men working to achieve status and thereby attract high quality women.
It is absolutely true that men are judged, respected and desired by women primarily based on what they can do, what they have achieved and how much power they have in the business, entertainment or political realms. While women are simply desired by men primarily based on their beauty – (what they are, not who they are).
However, the Bible shines a great light on all of this. Just because a behavior is natural does not make it right before God.
I have said it many times on this blog, there is nothing wrong with the fact that the first thing men notice about women, the first thing that draws them to them, is their feminine beauty. A man being drawn to a woman first by her beauty is the very design of God within him. And that is why it is important for godly women to try and keep themselves as beautiful as a possible out of respect of God’s design in men to desire female beauty.
A man desiring a woman’s beauty images God’s desire for beauty as seen in Psalm 45:10-11 (KJV) which pictures Christ as king desiring the beauty of his bride, the church:
“Hearken, O daughter, and consider, and incline thine ear; forget also thine own people, and thy father’s house; So shall the king greatly desire thy beauty: for he is thy Lord; and worship thou him.”
But the Bible also tells men they must look deeper at a woman than her superficial beauty, that they should look to see if a woman’s spirit on the inside is as beautiful as her outward body. The Bible says in Proverbs 31:30 (KJV) “Favour is deceitful, and beauty is vain: but a woman that feareth the Lord, she shall be praised”.
Proverbs 31:30 is not saying that beauty is meaningless as God has designed women to be beautiful for men and for men to desire the beauty of women. But what God is saying is that a man should value a woman’s godly character, her submissiveness, her quietness, her meekness and her desire to serve God by serving her husband, her children and her home even more than he values her beauty.
Many men have throughout the years have tried Tomassi’s “game” short cuts without actually having any real accomplishments in life. Maybe they even worked out and buffed themselves up a bit to add to their game, but besides that they have really done nothing with their lives. And I would agree with those who say just gaming women and having sex with as many random women as possible would be a very empty and meaningless life.
But now let’s zoom in on Tate’s “Men MUST amass wealth to create power and influence” flavor of Red Pill.
Yes, men absolutely are called to be workers and to be diligent in their life’s work. The Bible says in Proverbs 10:4 (KJV) “He becometh poor that dealeth with a slack hand: but the hand of the diligent maketh rich” and in Proverbs 22:29 (KJV) the Bible says “Seest thou a man diligent in his business? he shall stand before kings; he shall not stand before mean men”.
But there are men who have done great things in this life for God, yet they really never had much for themselves and their families. For example, George Mueller (1805-1898) helped over 10,000 orphans in his life time and is still remembered to this day. Yet he and his family lived a very simple life.
And there are many men in ministry fields who have had little to offer women from a financial perspective, but these men were able to attract women who were seeking men based on their godly character and not these things that Tomassi or Tate talk about.
My point is that while there are some truths in Red Pill, both in Tomassi’s teachings and in Tate’s, they are still approaching male/female relationships from a naturalistic world view without the very important spiritual aspect of male/female relationships.
Both Tomassi and Tate miss the fact that if a woman is raised in a godly home, by a godly father and mother who practice Biblical patriarchy before her – that woman is not going to care about the things Tomassi and Tate say women are looking for.
If she is strong in her faith and knows the kind of man she is looking for – no man will be able to game such a woman. And to this godly woman, all the money and power a man has will not matter. What will matter to her is if a man has godly character and that he has a clear vision of his mission that God has given him.
A man that sees his calling from God, whether it be in full time ministry or something in the secular world in business, politics or other areas. A man who understands that God has given him a multifaceted mission to make his mark on the world outside his home, but also to make his mark in his home as a husband and father. This is the kind of man that will be very attractive to a godly woman no matter what he looks like, how funny he is or how much money he has in the bank.
In this new 3 part series from BGRLearning.com I discuss why sexual role play is not only acceptable, but also beneficial in Christian marriage in addition to discussing Biblical boundaries on sexual role play as well as giving ideas husbands can try out with their wives.
In Part 1 of this series, I lay the Biblical foundation for sexual role play in marriage and show how it can strengthen a woman’s appreciation and respect for her husband’s masculine sexual nature which is very different from her own.
In Part 2 of this series, I give Biblically based boundaries for husbands when they are designing role play scenarios for themselves and their wives.
In Part 3 of this series, I give 9 Biblically based role playing scenario ideas for husbands which can lay the groundwork for unlimited variations on these scenarios to be enjoyed in Christian marriage.
Go to BGRLearning.com and subscribe today to listen to this series.
In Song of Solomon 2:3 the Bible says “As the apple tree among the trees of the wood, so is my beloved among the sons. I sat down under his shadow with great delight, and his fruit was sweet to my taste”. These euphemisms in Song of Solomon 2:3 refer to a woman performing fellatio (oral sex) on her husband.
The Bible refers to sex as “the natural use of the woman” in Romans 1:27. And while many Christians throughout the centuries have claimed that fellatio is an “unnatural act” for a woman to do on her husband – both the Bible and biology show it not an unnatural act. In fact, God has specially designed woman to reap direct health benefits as a result of performing oral sex on her husband.
In my latest podcast for BGRLearning.com, I not only explain from the Bible why God wants women to perform fellatio on their husbands, but I also explain the relational and biological benefits of this for women as well as detailed techniques for doing this (and yes there are many ways this can be done).
Whether you are engaged, a newlywed or have been married many years this podcast will help women to better understand the significance of fellatio in marriage and the benefits not only to their husbands, but to them as well.
And if you already perform oral sex on your husband, but your struggle with feelings of shame while doing it this podcast can help you with that as well.
Go to BGRLearning.com to listen to this podcast as well as hundreds of other podcasts on gender roles, courtship, marriage and sex in marriage.
The custom of women bowing to their husbands, otherwise known in older times as “obeisance”, goes back to the beginnings of human civilization. This custom is still regularly practiced throughout many African nations today as well as other parts of the world.
As Christians we know that not all cultural customs are Biblical. And we also know that the commands of the Bible transcend all cultures and times. In this post, I will prove that the ancient custom of wives doing obeisance toward their husbands is not simply a relic of ages past, but that it is indeed a command to wives found in the Bible.
But before we can present the Biblical command for wives to bow to their husbands, we must first present some other commands that form the foundation upon which this command is built.
The Bible Says Marriage Is to Picture the Relationship of Christ to his Church
In Ephesians 5:22-24(KJV) the Bible says the following:
“Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the saviour of the body. Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing.”
Ephesians 5:22-24 teaches us the important Biblical principle that God designed marriage to be a picture of the relationship of Christ and his church. This tells us that we can and should look, not just at Ephesians 5:22-33, but also at all other references to how Christ and his church interact with one another throughout the Old and New Testaments to understand how marriage should operate.
A marriage built only on the principles of Ephesians 5:22-33 will be missing key and important attributes of Christ’s marriage to his church mentioned elsewhere in the Bible. In other words, a marriage modeled exclusively after the attributes described in Ephesians 5:22-33 will not fully and completely picture the relationship of Christ to his Church.
For example, Ephesians 5:25-29 commands men to love their wives a Christ loves his church and lists several attributes of Christ’s love for his church including him sacrificing himself for her, him washing her spiritual spots and wrinkles with the Word of God and him providing for and protecting his wife as he would his own body.
But Revelation 3:19 mentions some other attributes of Christ’s love for his church not found in Ephesians 5:25-29. In Revelation 3:19 (KJV) the Christ said the following to his seven churches:
“As many as I love, I rebuke and chasten: be zealous therefore, and repent.”
A husband’s love for his wife includes not his spiritual washing of her, his provision for her and his protection of her – but it also includes his rebuking her and chastening her.
The Biblical truth that the wife is to picture the church in relationship to Christ and the husband represents Christs means that a wife is to obey all the commands of God to the church relating to Christ, with the notable exceptions of worshipping her husband or seeing him as her savior from sin. Those qualities belong to Christ alone and not earthly husbands. I will address the worship issue more as this post progresses.
And now that we have firmly established the Biblical principle that marriage is a picture of Christ and the church – we will explore another passage which shows other aspects of the relationship of Christ and the church which also apply to marriage.
Psalm 45 – A Picture of the Relationship of Christ to His Church
Psalm 45 is unmistakably a prophecy of Christ and his bride, the church.
The noble attributes of the king are mentioned first in verses 1-5:
“1 My heart is inditing a good matter: I speak of the things which I have made touching the king: my tongue is the pen of a ready writer.
2 Thou art fairer than the children of men: grace is poured into thy lips: therefore God hath blessed thee for ever.
3 Gird thy sword upon thy thigh, O most mighty, with thy glory and thy majesty.
4 And in thy majesty ride prosperously because of truth and meekness and righteousness; and thy right hand shall teach thee terrible things.
5 Thine arrows are sharp in the heart of the king’s enemies; whereby the people fall under thee. “
And then in verses 6 and 7 we see that this is clearly a reference to God the father appointing Christ as King:
“6 Thy throne, O God, is for ever and ever: the sceptre of thy kingdom is a right sceptre.
7 Thou lovest righteousness, and hatest wickedness: therefore God, thy God, hath anointed thee with the oil of gladness above thy fellows.”
And then in Psalm 45:10-11 the perspective changes from addressing the King to now addressing the bride who is about to marry the King:
“10 Hearken, O daughter, and consider, and incline thine ear; forget also thine own people, and thy father’s house; 11 So shall the king greatly desire thy beauty: for he is thy Lord; and worship thou him.”
These two verses are filled with rich theology. While Ephesians 5:33 commands women to reverence their husbands – it is these two verses from Psalm 45:10-11 which help to show what the reverence of a wife toward her husband should look like.
But before we can apply what these verses are saying, we need to address a translation issue.
Is Psalm 45:11 Saying that Wives Should Worship Their Husbands?
At the latter end of Psalm 45:11 the KJV renders the verse as “for he is thy Lord, worship thou him”. Since this passage is a prophecy of Christ and his church and Ephesians 5:23 tells us the husband is the head of his wife as Christ is the head of his church – is God commanding the wives should worship their husbands?
The answer to that question is found in many passages of the Bible but Revelation 19:10 gives us an extremely clear answer where John fell at the feet of angel to worship him:
“And I fell at his feet to worship him. And he said unto me, See thou do it not: I am thy fellowservant, and of thy brethren that have the testimony of Jesus: worship God: for the testimony of Jesus is the spirit of prophecy.”
We worship God and God alone. So, we know that Psalm 45:11 is not teaching women to worship their husbands. Does that mean we dismiss the latter part of Psalm 45:11 as not applying to human marriage at all? The answer to that is no as well.
To better understand how Psalm 45:11 applies not just to the spiritual marriage of Christ and his church, but also to human marriage we will look at this same passage in the English Standard Version of the Bible:
“Hear, O daughter, and consider, and incline your ear:
forget your people and your father’s house, and the king will desire your beauty.
Since he is your lord, bow to him.”
Notice the big difference? In the KJV it tells the woman to worship the king who will be her husband. In the ESV it tells her to bow to him. And if you were to see the wording of this you would also notice that the KJV capitalizes the word “Lord” while the ESV uses a lower case “lord”.
Why is the KJV translation of Psalm 45:11 different than the ESV translation?
The reason for the difference in translation has to do with the Hebrew word “Shachah”. The most literal meaning of Shachah is “to bow down”. But sometimes when someone bows down, they are not just showing reverence, but they are also engaging in worship. In other words, worship usually involves bowing of some sort, but not all bowing is worship. Sometimes bowing is just reverence.
The easiest way to illustrate this is when Moses did Shachah in two different occasions. In Exodus 18:7, Moses did Shachah toward his father-in-law so it is simply translated as “obeisance” which a synonym for reverence. However, in Exodus 34:8, when Moses did Shachah toward God – it was more than just reverence – it was an act of worship and it was translated as such.
Psalm 45 presents a dilemma for translators when it comes to translating Shachah. In this story, we see a King being married to the royal daughter of another king. But the story here is a prophecy of Christ being wedded to his church.
So, while the KJV would not normally translate someone bowing to a king as “worship” they decided to translate it here as worship and to capitalize the “L” in Lord to indicate it is a prophecy of Christ.
The ESV translated it as “bow down” instead of “worship” because while they agreed that this is a prophecy of Christ and his church that it is using a human story of a King marrying a royal daughter and therefore her bowing down would not be an act of worship, but rather an act of reverence.
I can see reasons for both translations. But in the end if we remember that marriage is a picture of Christ and the church than any reference to Christ and his bride has application to human marriage as well.
So, when applying this to human marriage and not the spiritual marriage of Christ and the church – Shachah must be understood in its most literal sense of bowing down in reverence.
Women Picture the Church Bowing to Christ When They Bow to Their Husbands
The full Biblical picture of the marriage of Christ and his church reveals much than his sacrificial provision for and protection of his wife, the church. It reveals more than his headship over the church. A full Biblical picture of the marriage of Christ and his church also demonstrates his lordship over his church and his discipline of his church.
A full Biblical picture of the marriage of Christ and his church shows us that women are not just commanded to submit to their husbands or even just respect them – but rather they are commanded to reverence their husbands as Ephesians 5:33 and 1 Peter 3:2 command.
Who is being commanded to acknowledge her husband as her lord and to bow to him in Psalm 45:11? It is the church.
When we tie together the principle that marriage is to picture the relationship of Christ to his church (Ephesians 5:22-33) and that the Bible commands women to acknowledge their husbands as their earthly lords (1 Peter 3:6) and to reverence them (Ephesians 5:33) then we can see beyond a shadow of a doubt that the command of Psalm 45:11 is given to wives just as it given to the church whom wives are to represent.
But Aren’t Women Worshipping Their Husbands If They Bow to Them?
Many Christians, even conservative Christians who believe in male headship and wives submitting to their husbands will object to this calling it a form of “husband worship” or a wife making her husband an idol.
But this objection to women bowing to their husbands is frankly rooted in cultural ignorance. In 21st century America when we think of the word “lord” or someone bowing to another we exclusively think of God and worship.
But if we were to go to Britain – they would not associate the word “lord” exclusively with God nor would they associate bowing exclusively with worship. Because in their society they have many lords who are of a nobility class and they bow to their Queen.
In Africa, it is an ancient custom still practiced today for women to kneel before their men when being proposed to:
And traditional African brides kneel before their husbands as part of the wedding ceremony and feed their husbands:
America was founded on the rejection of nobility classes and monarchies so our ancestors came to reject all forms of bowing to people or calling people lords.
However, the Bible does not reject calling people “lord”, which means master, nor does it reject the concept of people bowing to others as a form of reverence. In fact, in the case of a wife toward her husband it actually commands a woman to call her husband lord and bow to him.
As I mentioned previously the Bible shows Moses doing obeisance in Exodus 18:7 toward his father-in-law. In 2 Samuel 9:6 the Bible shows Mephibosheth kneeling with his face to the ground before King David:
“Now when Mephibosheth, the son of Jonathan, the son of Saul, was come unto David, he fell on his face, and did reverence. And David said, Mephibosheth. And he answered, Behold thy servant!”
The word translated as ‘reverence’ here is the same as that translated as obeisance and means to bow.
This American rejection of calling anyone lord but God and bowing to no one but “King Jesus” goes directly contrary to the teaching of the Word of God in 1 Peter 3:5-6 and Psalm 45:11. And this American value, as old as it is, must be rejected by Christian husbands and wives.
Christian women must regard their husbands as their earthly lords and bow to them and Christian husbands must accept this from their wives.
The Difference Between Bowing in Reverence and Bowing in Worship
If bowing is not automatically a form of worship, which the Bible shows it is not, then what is the difference between a woman bowing in reverence to her husband and a woman bowing in worship to God?
The answer is found in the intent in the wife’s heart and how she sees her husband verses how she sees God.
Is the woman bowing to her husband in obedience to God’s command that she affirm her husband’s earthly lordship over her by bowing to him? If so, then her bowing to him is not worship which is reserved for God alone.
However, if a woman sees her husband as perfect, sinless and all powerful like God and that is why she is bowing to him – then she is engaging in an act of worship which is sin.
In other words, when we bow to God, we are and should be acknowledging his perfection, his sinlessness and his being the all-powerful sovereign of the universe.
I am often falsely accused by my detractors, whether they be Christians or non-Christians alike, of teaching that I think women should regard their husbands as gods. And nothing could be further from the truth.
Instead, I teach what the Bible says that God has placed sinful and imperfect men as the heads of sinful and imperfect women. God does not call women to submit to, reverence and bow to their husbands because these men are perfect and all-powerful beings. God calls women to submit to and bow to their husbands in spite of their imperfections and weaknesses because of the position God as ordained men to over women.
A woman’s acknowledgement of her husband’s earthly lordship over her by bowing to him is an acknowledgement of Christ’s lordship over all creation and his authority to appoint her husband as her lord.
Practical Ways That Wives Can Incorporate Bowing into Their Marriages
Now that we have established the Biblical command that wives should bow to their husbands – how can wives practically incorporate this in their marriages on a regular basis? This is the question we will address next.
The images below illustrate several ways in which a woman can bow in her husband’s presence.
The first would be her greeting him as comes home from work as seen below:
This image below from a vintage ad is routinely mocked as “sexist” yet this is very biblical behavior for women to do toward their husbands.
In many African countries today, it is still common for women to bow to their husbands when they bring them their daily meals as pictured below:
Last but certainly not least, is another way women can bow before their husbands regularly as an act of reverence and affirmation of his lordship over them.
The picture above is of an actual bride and groom on their wedding day “simulating” her performing oral sex on him as part of a series of otherwise normal wedding pictures. It is actually becoming a fad for couples to simulate this very pose as part of their wedding pictures.
I know I have extremely conservative readers and I hope you will have a sense of humor with the image above even if you don’t think a bride and groom should share such a picture. It shows absolutely nothing of what she is doing and leaves everything to the imagination.
I know many conservative Christians believe all intimate sexual acts, even if only simulated, must never be shown. But I disagree. I hope most of my readers can appreciate the humor in this image above even if you would never take such a photo at your wedding.
An interesting side note. While they did not see the actual act, it was the custom in Biblical times for two witnesses, one from the bride’s family and one from the groom’s family to stand directly outside the tent or room to hear the couple have sex.
The reason two witnesses would be just outside the door or the tent and could hear sex happening was because unlike today, sex was part of the wedding ceremony in ancient times. Sex actually occurred before the wedding vows were made to assure the woman’s virginity was intact. Then after having sex the couple would present a bloody cloth which would prove the woman’s virginity and it was kept by the bride’s family as a proof of her virginity and a memento from the wedding. This practice is alluded to in Deuteronomy 22:13-21.
And on the topic of a woman performing fellatio on her husband – yes this is mentioned in the Bible in Song of Solomon 2:3 (KJV):
“As the apple tree among the trees of the wood, so is my beloved among the sons. I sat down under his shadow with great delight, and his fruit was sweet to my taste.”
The apple tree was used as a euphemism for a man’s genitals in middle eastern erotic poems. The top of the tree with branches and fruit represented the man’s testicles and the trunk of the tree represented his penis. This Biblical author is presenting a picture of a woman sitting in her husband’s shadow (so this her being beneath him) and her performing oral sex on him. She knelt before him and performed oral sex to completion with “great delight” and his fruit (his semen) was sweet to her taste.
And for those women who say “Song of Solomon 2:3 is simply descriptive, but it is not prescriptive (commanded) for women” and I would refer you to Proverbs 5:18-19 which states the following:
“Let thy fountain be blessed: and rejoice with the wife of thy youth. Let her be as the loving hind and pleasant roe; let her breasts satisfy thee at all times; and be thou ravished always with her love.”
The Bible commands that husbands are to ravished (the Hebrew her literally means to be sexually intoxicated) by their wives. The English word “satisfy” is a translation of the Hebrew which literally means “drink your fill”. To fulfill the command for husbands to be drink their fill of their wives’ bodies and to be ravished by their wives requires the participation of BOTH the husband and the wife. It requires the husband to seek to be ravished by his wife and the wife to act in ravishing ways toward her husband.
My point here is that Proverbs 5:18-19 commands wives to ravish their husbands and the entire book of the Song of Solomon shows women how to ravish their husbands. It is absolutely true that Song of Solomon 2:3 is written in a descriptive form rather than prescriptive form. However, Song of Solomon 2:3 is part of a larger description of what it means for a wife to ravish her husband which is commanded in Proverbs 5:18-19. Therefore, Song of Solomon 2:3 is both descriptive and prescriptive for wives in marriage.
And even if one argued that they don’t see it as commanded – a husband can simply command his wife to do it and it becomes a command from God. It really is that simple.
And finally, on this topic of wives performing fellatio on their husbands, let me address the “selfishness” argument wives use to get out of performing oral sex or really having sex at all when they don’t feel like it. It is not selfish for a man to do what God commands of him. In Proverbs 5:19, God tells him to drink his fill of his wife’s body “at all times” and he commands that his wife is to ravish him.
Therefore, from a Biblical perspective it is not a man who is acting selfishly for desiring that his wife ravish him by performing fellatio on him, but rather it is the wife who acts selfishly by denying him his privilege to receive this from her as her husband.
To learn more about how you as a wife can fulfill the command to ravish your husband go to my podcast site BGRLearning.com and listen to my 3-part, 3-hour podcast series entitled “A Biblical Guide To Ravishing Your Husband”. In that series I do an extensive exposition of several passages of the Song of Solomon explaining the ancient sexual metaphors and helping wives apply them to ravishing their husbands.
Conclusion
God commands wives to imitate the behavior that he commands of the church toward Christ in Ephesians 5:22-33. And God commands the church to bow to Christ as her lord in Psalm 45:11. Therefore, wives in following God’s command to imitate the behavior of the church, must bow to their husbands as an affirmation of their husband’s earthly lordship which is also commanded in 1 Peter 3:5-6.
The act of a woman bowing is not simply a cultural relic of ages past, but rather it is a Biblical command as part of the wife picturing the church in reverence toward her husband.
And as long as a wife does not see her husband as a god, but rather she bows to her husband in obedience to the one true God, then this is not an act of worship nor is it making her husband into an idol, but instead it is simply an act of reverence.
And yes, this act of a wife bowing to her husband is extremely anti-American and goes against America’s long opposition to lords and kings. And it is extremely triggering to humanists worldwide. But it is Biblical. Therefore, Christian wives must learn to regularly do this and Christian husbands must learn to accept this from their wives.
This simple act of a wife bowing to her husband and him accepting this is a very tangible and visible way that we can bring reverence back into marriages. A woman bowing to her husband is something her children should see their mother do as well (except of course for her performing oral sex!).
And to learn more about other ways (besides bowing to him) in which you can and should reverence your husband go to BGRLearning.com and listen to my 2-part podcast series entitled “5 Biblical Ways To Reverence Your Husband”.
The Bible commands in Ephesians 5:33 that “the wife see that she reverence her husband”. But how does God want a wife to show reverence to her husband? In this article, we will show Christian wives five biblically based ways that they should show reverence for their husbands.
In my previous article, “A Biblical View of Respect and Reverence”, I showed that while respect and honor are synonymous in the Bible – that reverence is much more than just respect or honor.
As Christians we should value (respect and honor) the institutions God has created. God has instituted civil authority, church authority, parental authority and the authority of husbands over their wives. To respect these positions is to show that we value them by our words and actions toward these authorities.
1 Peter 2:17 shows that respect (which is the same as honor) is owed to all people. Why does God want us to show by our words and actions that we value all people? The answer is found in Genesis 9:6 where God commanded that “Whoso sheddeth man’s blood, by man shall his blood be shed: for in the image of God made he man”. Mankind, both men and women, are made in God’s image. That makes human life special and more valuable than all other life on earth.
Anytime I say men and women are made in the image of God – I must always add this note for people who get confused on this issue. The Bible shows us in 1 Corinthians 11:7-8 that while woman was taken from man (and thus she is also made in God’s image because of that) that it is only the male who “is the image and glory of God”. This is why God has masculine like “Father”, “Son” and “King” and not “Mother”, “Daughter” and “Queen”. It is why Jesus chose 12 male apostles and no female apostles. It is why priests in the OId Testament had to be male and why pastors in the New Testament must be male. And it why God has commanded that families are to be led by men.
I also talked about respect for the person verses respect for the position. We can honor and respect the position of king or president without having respect for his actions in his personal life or his policy positions. The same goes for children with their parents.
But God calls wives to do much more than just respect, honor and value their husband’s position.
Wives are called to reverence their husbands.
In Ephesians 5:33 the Bible states:
““Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife see that she reverence her husband.”
And in 1 Peter 3:1-2 the Bible states
“Likewise, ye wives, be in subjection to your own husbands; that, if any obey not the word, they also may without the word be won by the conversation of the wives; While they behold your chaste conversation coupled with fear.”
The Greek words being translated as “reverence” and “fear” in Ephesians 5:33 and 1 Peter 3:1-2 are Phobeo and Phobos. These two Greek synonyms in their most literal sense mean “fear” or “to be afraid” and they can also mean “to reverence, venerate, to treat with deference or reverential obedience”.
But while Ephesians 5 richly describes the relationship of the husband and wife as God designed it to be, it is not exhaustive in all aspects of how marriage should operate. And while Ephesians 5:33 commands wives to reverence their husbands – it does not really describe how that reverence should look.
This is where Psalm 45 comes in to help us learn how wives can show reverence toward their husbands.
Psalm 45 – A Picture of the Relationship of Christ to His Church
Psalm 45 is unmistakably a prophecy of Christ and his bride, the church. The Psalm is written from the perspective of one of the King’s subjects writing a song about his King’s upcoming wedding. He spends verses 1 to 5 talking about the noble character of his great King:
“1 My heart is inditing a good matter: I speak of the things which I have made touching the king: my tongue is the pen of a ready writer.
2 Thou art fairer than the children of men: grace is poured into thy lips: therefore God hath blessed thee for ever.
3 Gird thy sword upon thy thigh, O most mighty, with thy glory and thy majesty.
4 And in thy majesty ride prosperously because of truth and meekness and righteousness; and thy right hand shall teach thee terrible things.
5 Thine arrows are sharp in the heart of the king’s enemies; whereby the people fall under thee. “
And then in verses 6 and 7 we see that this is clearly a reference to God the father appointing Christ as King:
“6 Thy throne, O God, is for ever and ever: the sceptre of thy kingdom is a right sceptre.
7 Thou lovest righteousness, and hatest wickedness: therefore God, thy God, hath anointed thee with the oil of gladness above thy fellows.”
Then in Psalm 45:10-11 the songwriter changes his perspective from speaking to the King to now speaking to the bride who is about to marry the King:
“10 Hearken, O daughter, and consider, and incline thine ear; forget also thine own people, and thy father’s house; 11 So shall the king greatly desire thy beauty: for he is thy Lord; and worship thou him.”
These two verses are filled with rich theology. While Ephesians 5:33 commands women to reverence their husbands – it is these two verses from Psalm 45:10-11 which help to show what the reverence of a wife toward her husband should look like.
But before we can apply what these verses are saying to the command for women to reverence their husbands, we need to address a translation issue.
Is Psalm 45:11 Saying that Wives Should Worship Their Husbands?
At the latter end of Psalm 45:11 the KJV renders the verse as “for he is thy Lord, worship thou him”. Since this passage is a prophecy of Christ and his church and Ephesians 5:23 tells us the husband is the head of his wife as Christ is the head of his church is God commanding that wives should worship their husbands?
The answer to that question is found in many passages of the Bible but Revelation 19:10 gives us an extremely clear answer where John fell at the feet of angel to worship him:
“And I fell at his feet to worship him. And he said unto me, See thou do it not: I am thy fellowservant, and of thy brethren that have the testimony of Jesus: worship God: for the testimony of Jesus is the spirit of prophecy.”
We worship God and God alone. So, we know that Psalm 45:11 is not teaching women to worship their husbands. So, does that mean we dismiss the latter part of Psalm 45:11 as not applying to human marriage at all? The answer to that is no as well.
To better understand how Psalm 45:11 applies not just to the spiritual marriage of Christ and his church, but also to human marriage we will look at this same passage in the English Standard Version of the Bible:
“Hear, O daughter, and consider, and incline your ear:
forget your people and your father’s house, and the king will desire your beauty.
Since he is your lord, bow to him.”
Notice the big difference? In the KJV it tells the woman to “worship” the king who will be her husband. In the ESV it tells her to “bow to him”. And if you were to see the wording of this you would also notice that the KJV capitalizes the word “Lord” while the ESV uses a lower case “lord”.
Why is the KJV translation of Psalm 45:11 different than the ESV translation?
The reason for the difference in translation has to do with the Hebrew word “Shachah”. The most literal meaning of Shachah is “to bow down”. But sometimes when someone bows down, they are not just showing reverence, but they are also engaging in worship.
In other words, all worship involves bowing of some sort, but not all bowing is worship. Sometimes bowing is just reverence.
The easiest way to illustrate this is when Moses did Shachah in two different occasions. In Exodus 18:7, Moses did Shachah toward his father-in-law so it simply translated as “obeisance” which a synonym for reverence. However, in Exodus 34:8, when Moses did Shachah toward God – it was more than just reverence – it was an act of worship and it was translated as such.
Psalm 45 presents a dilemma for translators when it comes to translating Shachah. In this story, we see a King being married to the royal daughter of another king. But the story here is a prophecy of Christ being wedded to his church.
So, while the KJV would not normally translate someone bowing to a king as “worship” they decided to translate it here as worship and to capitalize the “L” in Lord to indicate it is a prophecy of Christ.
The ESV translated it as “bow down” instead of “worship” because while they agreed that this is a prophecy of Christ and his church that it is using a human story of a King marrying a royal daughter and therefore her bowing down would not be an act of worship, but rather an act of reverence.
I can see reasons for both translations. But in the end if we remember that marriage is a picture of Christ and the church than any reference to Christ and his bride has application to human marriage as well.
So, when applying this to human marriage and not the spiritual marriage of Christ and the church – Shachah must be understood in its most literal sense of bowing down in reverence.
And now that we have shown how Psalm 45 presents a picture of the marriage between Christ and his church, we will now show four principles of reverence found in this passage that can help wives fulfill God’s command for them to reverence their husbands. And we will end with a 5th principle of reverence for wives found in Proverbs 12.
Principle #1 – A Reverent Wife Makes Her Husband Her Standard of Masculinity
Psalm 45:10 tells women “forget your people and your father’s house”.
For most young women (if they had a good relationship with him) their father is their standard of masculinity. For other women they may have other men in mind as to their standard of masculinity. But once a woman marries – her husband becomes her standard of masculinity and she should never compare him to any other man in her mind or in her words toward her husband.
One of the biggest destroyers of reverence that a woman might otherwise have for her husband is when she compares him to other men. Whether it be her father, her grandfather, her brothers or her sisters’ husbands.
The Bible shows us that there are two major variations of masculinity and your husband will most likely be more like one or the other. Those two variations could be classified as the “Warrior” and the “Wiseman”. In modern terms think of this as the “jock” and the “nerd”.
King David was a “warrior” type man while his son, King Solomon, was a “wiseman” type man. Another way to view the “wiseman” would be as a scholar. The wiseman is more cerebral in his activities and the warrior is more physical in his activities.
So maybe your father and brothers are avid hunters while you the man you married likes to read books and play strategy games. You cannot shame your husband because is he not like these other men you know. Or maybe it’s the opposite. Maybe your husband is not the reader your father was, but he is an avid hunter and sportsman. Again, you must respect him for the man he is.
Principle #2 – A Reverent Wife Addresses Her Husband as Her Earthly lord
Psalm 45:11 says “Since he is your lord…”.
There are two Hebrew words in the Old Testament used to refer to a woman’s husband beside “ish” which means “man”. Those two words are “baal” and “adown”. When baal is used it emphasizes the ownership of the husband and when “adown” is used it emphasizes the husband being ruler over his wife.
Psalm 45:11’s command to women to regard their husbands as their earthy lords perfectly connects with 1 Peter 3:5-6 which tells women to do the same thing:
“5 For after this manner in the old time the holy women also, who trusted in God, adorned themselves, being in subjection unto their own husbands: 6 Even as Sara obeyed Abraham, calling him lord: whose daughters ye are, as long as ye do well, and are not afraid with any amazement.”
The most practical way a woman can verbally show her husband she regards him as her lord is by frequently say “Yes sir”. In our culture the word “sir” can take on many meanings. Sometimes it simply a polite way to address a man. Men will call each other sir all the time and women will call other men sir as well. But when a woman looks at her man and says “Yes sir” (and she does in a respectful way) he feels her reverence in that moment.
Some husbands might want their wives to use the word “lord” as it is in the Bible so their wives should say “Yes, my lord”, rather than “Yes sir”. But in either case – a woman should use what her husband deems shows him the most reverence in how she addresses him.
A husband and wife can work out the particulars of this and there is nothing wrong with a woman calling her husband “honey” or “my love” in various contexts just as the Song of Solomon shows. But especially when husbands and wives are having serious discussions and the husband has given his wife commands this is when “yes sir” or “yes, my lord” would absolutely be appropriate and a way wives can show reverence to their husbands.
Principle #3 – A Reverent Wife Kneels Before Her Husband
Psalm 45:11 says “Since he is your lord, bow to him”.
A minimalist view of bowing would look like the Japanese who routinely bow to one another out of respect. But I don’t think this is the kind of bowing that Psalm 45:11 has in mind for the wife with her husband when it calls her to bow to her husband as her earthly lord.
Instead, I believe the kind of Shachah, or bowing down, being pictured in Psalm 45:11 is closer to what Mephibosheth did in the presence of King David in 2 Samuel 9:6 where he “he fell on his face, and did reverence”. That is the kind of humility a wife should be having with her husband.
More evidence that God wants a woman to be comfortable being on her knees before her husband is found in Song of Solomon 2:3 where the wife states the following about her husband:
“As the apple tree among the trees of the wood, so is my beloved among the sons. I sat down under his shadow with great delight, and his fruit was sweet to my taste.”
A godly woman finds “great delight” in in sitting down in the shadow of her husband. And one of the most reverent acts a woman can do as she sits in her husband’s shadow is to perform oral sex to completion on him which is what is being pictured in Song of Solomon 2:3.
Don’t misunderstand me – I am not saying every time a woman sits down below her husband she needs to try and do oral sex on him. Should she sometimes? Yes. Should she always if he wants it? Yes. But also, there may be times when she just delights to sit his shadow and look up to him as they converse.
Principle #4 – A Reverent Wife Appreciates Her Husband’s Desire For Feminine Beauty
Psalm 45:11 says “So shall the king greatly desire thy beauty”.
Why does the King desire her beauty? Because men are designed by God to be drawn to feminine beauty. A woman should never shame her husband for desiring to see her show off her beauty. How many conservative Christian women do this very thing to their husbands? This behavior is the very opposite of reverencing your husband.
Practically speaking, this means surprising your husband with some sexy lingerie is a form of reverence because you are affirming his desire for your beauty. It means if he so desires, wearing a sexy dress for date night with him. It could mean wearing a particular bathing suit he wants you to wear as you go to the beach. It means dressing the way he wants you to, and keeping your hair and makeup the way, he likes it. And it also means doing your best to keep your figure as it was when you first met.
And in a broader sense, when a woman shames her husband for noticing other beautiful women this is by definition an irreverent act on her part. Her actions shows that she despises her husband’s God given polygynous nature.
Principle #5 – A Reverent Wife Is Her Husband’s Greatest Fan
The final way that a wife should show her husband reverence does not come from this passage in Psalm 45 that we have been looking at – but rather it comes from Proverbs 12:4 which states the following:
“A virtuous woman is a crown to her husband: but she that maketh ashamed is as rottenness in his bones.”
A woman should always be her husband’s greatest fan and cheerleader, whether it is in private just with him and especially when others are around.
Women who argue with their husbands in private or in public are being irreverent toward them. Correcting him or contradicting him is being irreverent toward him.
A woman being critical of her husband is the very definition of an irreverent wife.
Listen to the Two-Hour Podcast Series Based on This Article to Learn More
I have produced a two-part podcast series, with each part being about an hour long, where I give more detail on these principles. In these podcasts I show other ways women can reverence their husbands and combat their own pride and insecurities as they do this.
Nowhere does the Bible condemn by explicit command or even by general principle a man using force to make his wife have sex in marriage. In other words, the Bible does not recognize the 19th century feminist invention of “marital rape”.
A woman going by the handle @_DearSister_ has an Instagram page where she teaches a conservative and Christian patriarchal view of marriage to women.
On that page she recently had a discussion about marital rape, and specifically the idea of some feminists saying that if a wife does not give verbal consent to her husband with each sexual encounter that the sex that follows is to be considered rape.
In other words, what they are saying is, if the husband just starts trying to have sex with his wife and she allows it but did not say yes – this is rape.
I came on her page and went further than she did. I said the Bible does not recognize that rape can occur within marriage. In other words, Biblically speaking – “marital rape” is an oxymoron.
What follows is a discussion I had with another woman on @_DearSister_ page who goes by handle @chellechristiansen. We had some discussion before this point. But it was these comments from her that drove my more detailed response. I will show a screen shot her comment and then give my response that I have to her below it (of course for Instagram I had break up my response into a lot of small pieces). And if you are not following me on Instagram (@biblicalgenderroles) – I highly recommend you do as the vast majority of my new content is there or on my podcast site (BGRLearning.com) and I slowly work it back here to my blog.
I have had this discussion with liberal women for years and they always go to the same tired humanist and feminist arguments. But the discussion I had with chellechristiansen was interesting because it was with a very conservative Christian woman who believes in submission and actually thinks Christian wives saying no to sex is sinful (a breath of fresh air). She just thinks it is wrong for a husband to force his wife to have sex even though she is sinfully refusing.
So my conversation with her was intended to reach other Christian women like her who are actually much closer to the truth on this issue of how sex should happen in a Biblical marriage.
My Response to chellechristiansen
I realize in my last comment I said I was done and would give you the final word in our discussion. I did not want to go round and round about the same arguments. But as I have pondered your last comment here the for a few days – I realize there are some different questions from you here and a slightly different argument that you are making against a husband forcing his wife to have sex in marriage.
I know what I showed you before and the new facts I will show you now may not change your mind. 10 years ago, I would have agreed with every word you are saying here because I did know about the history of humanism, feminism and the invention of “marital rape” by feminists in 19th century. I did know the history of how the early church fathers and later medieval chivalry codes changed our views on the acceptable treatment of wives by their husbands.
I did know that up even into the 19th century that courts including English and American upheld the Biblical principal that husbands were masters and owners of their wives in keeping with 1 Peter 3:5-6 and that they upheld the husband’s right to use force and discipline to compel his wife’s obedience “in everything” (Ephesians 5:24) just as Christ compels the obedience of his church through discipline in Revelation 3:19. They even referred to these rights as ancient rights of men practiced in all cultures.
I don’t even need Deuteronomy 21:10-14 where God expressly allows men to take captive women and force them to be their wives to defend the position I am taking here. There is a larger position I am taking which goes beyond forced sex in marriage. And that is that husbands have not only right, but the responsibility to use all means at their disposal to compel their wives’ obedience just as Christ uses discipline to compel their obedience of his church.
Now as someone else pointed out here in this thread, men no longer have these “ancient rights” as one court referred to them. Feminists have won many court battles over the last century and convinced legislatures to strip men of their mastery over their wives and their ability compel their wives to obey by use of force.
In other words, a man in our modern age who simply attempts to follow the Biblical example of God in disciplining his wife (as God did Israel and Christ did the church) could land himself in jail. This is why I do NOT recommend that most Christian men use physical force of any kind in our day in age with their wives. However, there are a small minority of Christian wives still raised with these ancient Biblical truths and if they are then their husbands can exercise these rights in marriage.
You asked about me saying there is no such thing as marital rape and yet saying marital rape is expressly condoned in the Bible in Deuteronomy 21:10-14. I apologize for not being precise in my language. Before the 19th century, the English term “rape” did mean “forced sex”, but rather it was a more precise term that meant “forced sex outside of marriage”. Then 19th century feminists invented the concept of “marital rape” and eventually just the word “rape” meant all forced sex whether in marriage or outside of marriage.
A good way to understand the difference between forced sex and rape is to compare it with beating someone. Are all incidents of one person beating someone immoral according the Bible? The answer is no. In fact, the Bible expressly condones both adults and children being beaten as chastisement in these passages (Deut 25:3, Prov 26:3).
And lest you think this only Old Testament, Christ condoned physical chastisement of adults in Luke 12:46-48 and so does the Apostle Peter in 1 Peter 2:18-20. And in for course the Bible expressly prescribes physical discipline for children as well in Proverbs 23:13 and Hebrews 12:5-11.
As I have shown from the previous Scripture references, the Bible expressly allows and even condones the beating of adults and children by their authorities. As Christians then we should call beating someone unlawfully “assault” while biblically we must call a God ordained authority beating someone as discipline – “chastisement”. It is the same with forced sex. Forced sex Biblically speaking should be called “rape”, only if that forced sex was of a man who was not a woman’s husband.
So, to be clear, what I am saying is the Bible expressly condones forced sex within marriage in Deuteronomy 21:10-14 and it also implicitly condones forced sex by making the husband responsible for compelling his wife’s obedience as her ruler and master and as Christ compels his wife, the church. (See Gen 3:16, 1 Peter 3:5-6 and Rev 3:19).
You argued that a husband forcing his wife to have sex, even when she sinfully has said no, is a violation of the fruits of the spirit. But is it really? First and foremost, Galatians 5:22-23 listing of the fruits of the spirit is not exhaustive. Jesus Christ exhibited another fruit of the spirit – righteous anger when he fashioned cords to make a whip and beat the money changers, turned over their tables and drove them from the temple in John 2:13–17. Paul also exhibited this righteous anger when he asked the disobedient church at Corinth if he needed to bring a rod to discipline them in 1 Corinthians 4:21.
Could a man be violating the fruits of the spirit in some cases of forcing his wife to have sex? Yes. If his wife is ill, just had surgery, has just given birth or has some other condition like this then yes this would be a lack of self-control, seeking his own at the expense of her need (selfishness). If a man always forces sex on his wife (as some men actually sinfully prefer) and is never gentle with her – this too would be a violation of the fruits of the spirit.
Should there be some room also for mercy for the wife? That even at times when she sinfully says no (as opposed to graciously asking for a rain check when she is ill) that even in this sinful situation he shows mercy and does not force her? Yes.
But if a husband allows a pattern of willful sin on the part of his wife, where she can say “no” to sex with no fear of any consequences – such a man is derelict in his duty before God to discipline his wife as Christ does his church (Rev 3:19). And yes, forced sex by a husband can absolutely be a form of discipline in marriage.
You said at the end of your comment “Let her be in sin and guide her to repentance”. This is utterly unbiblical. God did not let his wife Israel remain in sin, but rather he disciplined her to try and bring her out it. Christ does not allow his wife (his church), to remain in sin, but rather he disciplines her to try and bring her out of it.
And it is this false philosophy of “Let her be in sin and guide her to repentance”, which originates in faulty think of Christians from the medieval chivalrous period, which actually laid the foundations for 19th century feminism. And now we have as Western civilization reaped the consequences of two centuries of undisciplined wives. Men are expected to wash their wives as Christ does his church (Ephesians 5:25-27) as well as rebuke and chasten them as Christ does his church (Revelation 3:19).
The concept of wife spanking or really a man disciplining his wife even using non-physical means is abhorrent to our modern culture. The reason for this is because we in our modern culture have been conditioned to believe that discipline is only for children and that a man spanking his wife is him treating her like a child.
The truth however, both from a Biblical as well as a historic perspective is very different. The Bible teaches us that chastisement both in the form of corporal punishment as well as taking away various things is ordained by God for both civil government and especially the sphere of the home with the husband and father as its patriarch. And for thousands of years the practice of corporal discipline by husbands and fathers within the home and the marriage was an accepted behavior.
It was not until the rise of feminism in mid-19th century that the historic practice of what American courts called “domestic discipline” came into question.
I first started writing on the need for husbands to return to the Biblical and historic practice of disciplining their wives back in 2015 with my article entitled “7 Ways to Discipline Your Wife”. And in recent years I made a podcast series on my podcast site BGRLearning.com where expound more on that article.
In addition, I wrote “A Christian Husband’s Guide to Grooming His Young Wife” for newlywed husbands which includes discipline as part of a larger Biblically based grooming process that Christian husbands should practice with their wives.
As you can imagine, I get a lot of angry emails and comments related to my writings on domestic discipline. I also get the occasional catfishing emails where people send me outlandish discipline tactics which they are using to get my take and those emails go straight to my trash bin. But I also get emails which I believe to be genuine like one I received recently. And it always encourages me to see how God awakens men to the truth of his Word regarding discipline in general and the need for chastisement of wives in particular.
Recently I received such an email from a man calling himself Edward. Below his email that I hope you will also find encouraging.
Edward’s Email to BGR
“Dear Sir,
I would like to share with you what the Lord showed me in the last couple of months, regarding disciplining one’s wife. You might already know all of this, but I thought you might find it interesting.
Firstly, I came to learn that discipline is a huge thing for the whole body of Christ – it’s so big that the very word the Lord chose for his followers (disciples) is even based on discipline! In fact, as one meditates on it, one find that just about the whole Bible deals with a lack of discipline, the consequences thereof and the Lord’s dealings with it – from the garden of Eden through to Revelations.
Here are some things I learned, before I share some additional scriptures.
1. Your point is correct: God rebukes and chastises those He loves. Man is obliged to do the same.
2. There is a great reward in accepting discipline. We should embrace it and actually ask for it.
3. It’s not really optional. As His children, He disciplines us because of His great love for us. In this world, we WILL be disciplined – either by His loving hand, or by consequencial circumstances. Of course, there is also the terrible alternative to be “handed over to satan” as Paul writes to the Corinthians.
The above is just a summary of my own observations. Following are some additional scriptures that you and others might find interesting – starting with general guidance and ending with an absolute clincher! I must just add that the Lord showed me these scriptures when I sought Him for council in this matter.
1. He also spoke this parable: “A certain man had a fig tree planted in his vineyard, and he came seeking fruit on it and found none. Then he said to the keeper of his vineyard, ‘Look, for three years I have come seeking fruit on this fig tree and find none. Cut it down; why does it use up the ground?’ But he answered and said to him, ‘Sir, let it alone this year also, until I dig around it and fertilize it. And if it bears fruit, well. But if not, after that you can cut it down.’ ”
Luke 13:6-9
This was a general scripture the Lord gave me that emphasised our responsibility as men to maintain discipline.
2. “…I am consumed by the blow of Your hand. When with rebukes You correct man for iniquity, You make his beauty melt away like a moth…
Psalms 39:10-11
3. And that servant who knew his master’s will, and did not prepare himself or do according to his will, shall be beaten with many stripes. But he who did not know, yet committed things deserving of stripes, shall be beaten with few. Luke 12:47-48
I laughed when the Lord showed me this scripture in relation to a good spanking. He even tells us when a long, hard spanking is required: When the offence was committed “knowingly”…
4. This was a major eye-opener for me! The whole of Ezekiel 23 is the story of the rebellious sins and judgements of the two sisters Oholah and Oholibah. The chapter draws to a conclusion with this curious verse: “Thus I will cause lewdness to cease from the land, that all women may be taught not to practice your lewdness.” Ezekiel 23:48
Here is the (summarized) meaning and an explanation of the original Hebrew word for “taught” in this verse. It’s exactly the same word that is used for chastisement.
H3256
Original: יסר
Transliteration: yâsar
Phonetic: yaw-sar’
a) to chasten, discipline, instruct, admonish
b) to let oneself be chastened or corrected or admonished
c) to discipline, correct, to chasten, chastise
Strong’s Definition: A primitive root; to chastise, literally (with blows) or figuratively (with words); hence to instruct: – bind, chasten, chastise, correct, instruct, punish, reform, reprove, sore, teach.
The chapter refers to Samaria and Jerusalem as the two sisters, so the common teaching is that the reference to “all women” in the concluding verses should also be interpreted figuratively (as all tribes/nations). In my opinion, the Lord would not have stated it as such if it was not commonplace already to apply chastisement in order to teach women this/a lesson.
Hope you found this as interesting as I did.
Thank you for your obedience to the Lord in maintaining your site/blog. A great reward awaits you.”
Biblical Gender Roles 