How should Christian women respond to their men looking at other women? Part 3

Guylooking2

In part 1 of this series, we established that men look and many women get jealous, hurt or angry. In part 2 we established that man has a polygynous nature both from biology and from Biblical example. In this final part of this three part series, we will look at how a Christian woman should alter her responses based on this knowledge of the men in her life (sons, brothers, husbands).

I realize a lot of Christian women – mothers, wives, sisters and daughters are reading this with smoke coming out their ears. Let me try and set your mind at ease, the best that I can.

All whore-mongers look, but most lookers do not engage in whore-mongering.

For most men look they may have found discreet ways to do it over the years so that you won’t notice but make no mistake they still look.

The Christian men that don’t look do so either because they are asexual (not attracted to women or men), have homosexual tendencies (so there not looking at you ladies, but they are looking elsewhere) or they have had it drilled into their head since they were young that it is a sin for them to enjoy the site of beautiful women other than their wife after they are married.

This last group of Christian men have been “brainwashed” of sorts, to be at war continually with their God given nature to appreciate female beauty.

I hear and read all the time from women who have had experience with a whore-mongering husband and they say things like “It was because he was looking at other women, and I never put a stop to it”.

While it breaks the heart of God when any man engages in whore-mongering the truth is that he did not engage in whore-mongering simply because he allowed himself to look at and enjoy the beauty of other women. He engaged in whore-mongering because he allowed the sin of covetousness to grow and take root in his heart and then he acted on it.

Another thing I want to mention here is – I am not giving men a complete free pass, please read the ending section I have speaking to Christian men about this issue of looking at other women.

But before I get to the men, Christian wife – you have a decision to make.

Instead of having these attitudes toward your husband:

whatdoyouthinkyourlooking

WhyDoTheyHaveToLook

menarepigs

Christian wife – Perhaps you would consider having these attitudes instead:

WomanAcceptingGod'sDesign

“My husband was built by God with the capacity to be attracted to, and to love multiple women, but he has chosen to only have one wife and that is me. I have absolutely no right to be jealous of the fact that my husband finds other women attractive in addition to me. I won’t give him a hard time for enjoying the site of beautiful women around him, as long as he doesn’t purposefully make it obvious, or compare me to other women or flirt with them as he has taken a pledge to make me his one and only wife.

I realize that because I am his one and only wife – I need to work that much harder to meet his needs for visual beauty by keeping myself beautiful and dressing in ways that are attractive to him”

The old adage “Men marry women hoping they will never change, and women marry men hoping that they will” is just as true for Christian woman as it is for others. Will you accept your husband as God has made him? Or will you continue to put him in the box you would have him in?

Christian Moms and sisters – don’t shame your son’s for their natural masculine attraction to female beauty. You may never fully understand it, but you need to honor it in the same way that men should honor the feminine nature with which God has designed woman.

Instead allow their fathers to help them experience the beauty of their masculinity, within the bounds of God’s law. In the last section coming up, I will discuss what men (including fathers) need to understand about expressing, experiencing their God-given male sexuality in a proper way, that does not dishonor God or women.

A final note to the Christian men reading this

Young business man enjoying the fresh air on a sunny day

Yes it is completely natural, part of God’s original design for you to look. It is perfectly natural, normal and not sinful for you to be aroused by the site of beautiful women around you, and no that does not stop when you get married! Many men falsely think this to be the case, but not long after they are married(sometimes 5 minutes afterwards), a beautiful woman walks by and their head turns – they immediately turn it back and wonder “why did I just do that? I love my wife and she is so beautiful to me!” The reason brothers in Christ is, you have a polygynous nature.

Many men don’t even realize they have a polygynous nature, or they simply dismiss these instances as part of their sin nature, because they have been conditioned from an early age to do so. They have never looked at Scriptures closely, or questioned anything they have been taught.

So to you man who thought it was wrong to look at beautiful women, other than you wife, I invite you to check out and truly research the evidences I have provide for you here, both from a biological standpoint, as well as Biblical standpoint. If after that God has convinced you that what I am saying is right, that he has freed you from the shackles of feminism and Christian legalism, that the real war is against Covetousness, not your natural male attraction to beautiful women then you truly will have a whole new world opened to you.

Don’t go crazy guys!!!

The Scriptures tell us:

“All things are lawful for me, but not all things are profitable. All things are lawful for me, but I will not be mastered by anything.”

1 Corinthians 6:12(NASB)

What that means men is that while glancing at beautiful women may be natural for you, and give you pleasure, you have to make sure you are not mastered by this. Eating is something we are naturally driven to do as well, but we can eat too much, and too often, the same principle applies to our God-given male sexuality.

There is a difference between Glancing and Gawking

While I would say that woman are wrong for condemning men for taking discreet glances at other women, I would say men are equally wrong when they gawk at women. The classic seen of construction works whistling and saying obscenities to a random woman as she walks by is an example of unconstrained, uncontrolled male sexuality, and that does not honor God or women.

How we act when our women are present, and how we act when they are not should be different

I realize some Christians believe we ought to act the same at all times, and all places, and I understand where they are coming from. For instance, if I don’t swear on Sunday at Church, then I equally should not swear on Monday at work.

I am a Christian wherever I go, seven days a week, and that should be consistent. But the truth is, we all understand that certain things are appropriate at different times and places. The way a husband might talk to his wife when they are about to have sex, or during sex, and the way he may act in front of his children with her may be very different, and it should be different.

The same goes for men – when you are with a private group of guys and you happen to see a beautiful woman walk by – there is ABSOLUTELY NO SIN in you as men talking about how beautiful she is. But the difference between you and the construction worker example is – you are not whistling at her, or gawking at her and making her feel uncomfortable. You can “watch the game” and go over the instant replay after she is out of hearing distance. As long as you are not talking about trying to track that girl down, and have pre-marital sex with her, you are not lusting and you are NOT sinning.

The Apostle Paul wrote this very similar passage to first one I mentioned, later in the same book of I Corinthians:

“23 All things are lawful, but not all things are profitable. All things are lawful, but not all things edify. 24 let no one seek his own good, but that of his neighbor.

(I Corinthians 10:23-24(NASB)

Guys – if you are gawking at a woman, or making her feel uncomfortable by your staring, are you seeking her good, or your own?

Guys – if you are gawking at a woman, maybe even one that can’t see you gawking at her, but your mom, or your daughter, or your wife can see you do that – are you seeking their good, or your own?

So in conclusion guys, yes its natural for man to look and appreciate the beauty of women, but we must temper this natural desire by doing it in a discreet and appropriate way for the setting that we find ourselves in.

31 thoughts on “How should Christian women respond to their men looking at other women? Part 3

  1. Not a single disciple, teacher, prophet or apostle mentioned in the New Testament church was in a polygamous relationship, and it is not even mentioned in conjunction with heathen practices in Jesus’ day. To bring up the Old Testament patriarchs as justification is disingenuous unless you also want to retain the OT sacrificial system, Saturday sabbath, kosher laws and all the attendant ceremonial requirements.

    The reality is you worship sex and male dominance of women, and cherry-pick from the Bible to support your position. Seriously, when was the last time you were a servant to someone who was oppressed? When was the last time you addressed a woman with the respect given to the Elect Lady of II John?

  2. Nicoletta,

    One of the first rules of correct Biblical interpretation is, a Biblical example can help us to see a certain activity is allowed(if the example of behavior is not condemned), but a lack of an example of a behavior does not necessarily condemn that behavior. In proper Biblical Hermeneutics(interpretation of the Scriptures) – an express command of God always bares the most weight. Then we must understand that the New Testament interprets and supersedes the Old Testament, however the moral law of God found in the Old Testament remains.

    So yes we are no longer under the Old Testament sacrificial system, or cleanliness laws or theocracy laws. However we can learn principles from these laws, in fact a lot can be learned about marriage itself from the Old Testament. The fact that there is not one example of a teacher, prophet or apostle in the NT being polygamous does not making polygamy all of sudden wrong in the New Testament. In fact one could argue that there were polygynous Christians in the Church, else why would the Apostle Paul have to say that the Elder or Overseer, and deacon must be the husbands of one wife? Apparently that means there were Christians with more than one wife, else it would not have been necessary to say so.

    In fact Paul could have taken the opportunity to tell Christians, that not only is polygamy not allowed for Pastors or Deacons, but it is disallowed for all believers. But just like the Old Testament priests had stricter marriage rules than non-priests, so too there were stricter marriage rules for Pastors and Deacons than other believers.

    Also it is a fact of history that Israel was still highly polygynous during the time of Christ, look up all the new Roman laws that were passed during that time trying to get rid of polygyny in all that area of world.

    Then instead of attacking only my message, you have to attack me personally. It is said you have to resort these kinds of attacks. I have never once on this blog or any other place said I worship sex, I worship God. You have no idea how many people I have helped, both online, and out in the real world. People in truly abusive situations, not the imagined feminist abuse situations we often hear about today. I have full respect for women, who respect themselves, their husband and the design their God created them with.

    In fact I even have respect for people who can talk about these things rationally, without resorting to personal attacks, I may respectfully disagree, but I can respect them as a person. I have said it many times on this blog, I do not hate women(as I am often accused of), I hate feminism and all it stands for. I have a great admiration for the many Christian women bloggers I have found online, teaching women how God has designed them, and teaching them to embrace their design as God’s gift to man.

  3. Today’s secular culture is at war with the family. Lax divorce laws, radical feminism, rampant pornography, legalized abortion, “children’s rights,” mainstream homosexuality, and inheritance taxes — all these and other factors collude to assault the family, particularly the Christian family.

    The (Over)Reaction
    It is perhaps inevitable that the Christian reaction will at times become overreaction and that the family, a central institution in God’s plan, should begin to monopolize all of life. In fact, a renewed patriarchalism in some quarters is working for hegemony over the other legitimate spheres of God’s authority. But patriarchalists don’t justify their (over)reaction only to the ravenous egalitarian society. They also (over)react to a reckless, egocentric Church that is oblivious to family prerogatives (“After all, I am the elder [or bishop, or pastor, or deacon, or what have you], and I am the supreme authority in the Church”).

    But the solution to social and ecclesiastical tyranny is not patriarchal tyranny, which, in fact, is no less culpable than the former. Tyranny is tyranny, and “spiritual” tyranny is perhaps the worst form of all (think: Spanish Inquisition).

    Old-Fashioned Conservative Tyranny
    Today’s hegemonic patriarchalism seems at points to bear an eerie resemblance to the pagan patriarchy of ancient Rome (before the rise of the Empire). Pre-Empire Rome was a patriarchal culture. The housefather was given virtually unlimited authority. His word was law — not metaphorically, but literally. If his wife bore a daughter, and he preferred a son, he could simply cast the daughter into the streets to die of starvation or be eaten by a wild animal. He could beat and otherwise abuse fellow family members at will. With limited exceptions, the father was the central authority in society. Many other ancient cultures were similarly clan-based, and these extended families (not just Mom and Dad and Junior and Susie, but the grandparents and third cousins and “in-laws”) ruled the countryside by blade and blood. At the center of this tyranny was the patriarch, generally the oldest surviving male of the family. (Mario Puzo’s rendition of The Godfather furnishes an embellished, but generally accurate, portrait of this arrangement.)

    For this reason it is sometimes ironic to hear Christians declare that they are championing a “conservative view of the family.” If they are conserving the old-fashioned pagan patriarchy, they are deviating from Biblical Faith, which repudiates this tyranny. We are called first to be obedient Christians, not card-carrying conservatives. Today’s Christian patriarchalists are far removed from the violence of the pagan patriarchalists (in most cases, at least!), but in their commitment to hegemony, they are too close for comfort.

    Baby Machines
    Some Christian men that I have observed treat their wives as baby machines. The wife is never under any circumstances permitted to work outside the home, despite the fact that the Bible nowhere forbids such work. True, the young mother’s central Biblical responsibility is domestic — her family (1 Tim. 5:14). Today’s “career-minded moms” whose work is a separate track from her husband’s generally conflict with the Bible’s pattern of the woman as a suitable help to her husband (Gen. 2:18-25). However, the Bible does not prohibit women, including wives and mothers, from working outside the home. We must not, therefore, allow “conservative” standards to supplant Biblical standards.

    Apron-Centered, Kitchen-Table Tutelage
    The authority that some patriarchalists arrogate to themselves truly borders on tyranny. One has written that a father who sends his daughter off to college is guilty of irresponsibility. Apparently, all daughters must maintain residence in their father’s household to be deemed “under authority.” Not a shred of Biblical evidence supports this theory and, in fact, at times the father may be guilty of irresponsibility if he does not dispatch an intellectually gifted daughter to college. (The idea that children should ordinarily stay home and take Internet college courses is fraught with peril. We will never train culture-reclaiming physicians, nuclear physicists, and engineers by such apron-centered, kitchen-table tutelage.)

    Day Schools
    Other patriarchalists have gone so far as to suggest that Christian day schools are sinful or erosive of the family. While this sentiment is not true of most home-schoolers, among whom are the most dedicated Christians in the nation, an increasing number of patriarchalists are dedicated to squelching top-notch, culture-reforming educational opportunities by subordinating virtually all training to the four walls of the homestead. This is a formula for cultural — and familial — defeat.

    Obsequious Sons
    Patriarchalists sometimes do even a greater disservice to sons. In ancient, clan-based societies, a son (even one in his thirties and forties) would remain obsequiously apprenticed to his father and would become the new, blood-based patriarch only when his father died. This is a pagan idea, not a Biblical one, even though some patriarchalists today demand almost unswerving obedience and servanthood from their forty-year old married sons. Sometimes in the process they completely trample on their sons’ obvious gifts, which could be used most profitably elsewhere. Any daughter-in-law that that permits such an outrage will suffer greatly for it.

    Disservice to the Church
    Perhaps, however, the most hazardous element of the new hegemonic patriarchy is its easy diffidence or downright hostility toward the church. This patriarchalism emerges largely because too many churches are anything but “family-friendly”; and, of course, they abdicate their calling when they act so irresponsibly. The solution to this problem, however, is the reformation of the church, not the institution of “The Family Church,” i. e., the Daddy pastor, the Mommy assistant pastor, and the kiddy members. The Church is authorized to do three things that no family in ordinary conditions is ever permitted to do: preserve orthodoxy; administer sacraments; and excommunicate heretics and egregious, unrepentant sinners.

    Hammering out and maintaining proper belief is not the responsibility of the family, but the church, or more accurately, true churches throughout the world. A careful scrutiny of beliefs (both true and false) demands greater expertise than the individual father (or mother!) enjoys. Orthodoxy is a communal matter, and the community in question is the church, not the family. Similarly, the church administers the sacraments. Jesus vested the authority to administer both communion and baptism to His apostles as the human foundation of the church, not as fathers in their own families. And the same is true of discipline — and by this I mean ecclesiastical discipline. No husband may excommunicate his wife (though some husbands, I hear, have tried!). No father may excommunicate a child, and so on. Excommunication is the exclusive job of the church (Mt.18). It is for this reason that the family, even an extended family, does not constitute a church. Two or more families joining together pioneer a church, searching for legitimate oversight, may, in fact, constitute a church, but this is a different matter altogether. Simply put, the family is not the church.

    Hubris
    The new patriarchalists would be less offensive if they couched their hegemonic views, well, less hegemonically. Why not simply say, “We’re attempting to recover a more consistent view of the family, and we know some dear Christians will not agree, and we know that most of orthodox Christianity stands against us, but we would humbly ask that you consider these things.”

    No, it often is something like this: “Fathers, until we came along, have been irresponsible, and they are irresponsibly sending their daughters off to college, and they are sending their children to Christian day schools, and they are irresponsibly attending churches that sponsor age-graded Sunday School. They need to quit sinning, and start taking responsibility.”

    I am exaggerating, but not by much. Christians, like all humans, are susceptible to fads, and this hegemonic patriarchalism is one of the latest fads that has emerged popularly, and will eventually die quietly. Until then, it may harm a number of wives and children — and, yes, fathers — whom it is creditably trying to help. We will be less likely to fall into its seductive trap if we recognize that our life must be Faith-centered, not State-centered, Church-centered, or even family-centered.
    – P. Andrew Sandlin http://undermoregrace.blogspot.com/2009/03/hegemonic-patriarchy-by-andrew-sandlin.html?m=1

  4. What would you say about women who look at men whom they find physically attractive? By this, I mean that they are merely looking discreetly to appreciate male beauty, not to plan to have premarital sex or extramarital sex with said men and not in such a way that makes anyone uncomfortable. After all, women look too and are also visually stimulated. I think that straight men tend to underestimate the impact that male looks can have on women because they, as straight men, don’t appreciate it even fully recognize male beauty.

  5. I would say the same thing – a husband should not be jealous simply because his wife discreetly looks at another man. My wife points out guys that are well built and nice looking to me all the time. My wife loves Chris Hemsworth and she loves Tim Mcgraw. This is only human to appreciate beauty in the other sex.

  6. Husbands and wives can get into a little competition when one of them is not being discreet looking at the opposite sex so the other will start doing the same thing. Kind of “What’s good for the goose is good for the gander”

    I have read that when males look at females they look at her in parts, her face, her breasts etc., while females tend to look at males as a whole person.
    If that is true then it seems to me it is not admiration of her attractiveness, but is driven instead by lust, especially when males are aroused.

    What makes women half crazy is not that their significant other glances at an attractive female, we all look at attractive people because it’s human nature, it is when a male looks and becomes aroused. What happens next? Does he fantisize about her while he is having sex with his wife? Does he take care of his needs while fantasizing about another women? You say men are created by God to need and want variety because of there pologymous nature, then how does a wife fit into this. Are we to look the other way and pretend our husbands are not desiring someone else? If we love our husbands then I can assure you that does not make a harmonious relationship. We are all sexual creatures but when a women loves and marries a man, she devotes herself to him and their family. The last thing she wants to think about or know is that he is lusting after others. No matter how it is explained, in my opinion it is not what God wants.

  7. Modern Mom,

    I agree that a wife might get jealous if she knows her husband is attracted to another woman. But the real question at the heart of this matter is this – is the husband sinning by fantasizing about other women other than his his wife or is the wife sinning by being jealous of her husband’s desire toward other women(wanting his desire to be only towards her)?

    God said this in Exodus 21:10-11:

    “If he takes to himself another woman, he may not reduce her food, her clothing, or her conjugal rights”

    Apparently a man could be attracted to other women while being married to his first wife, and in Biblical times he could make good on his attraction and marry another wife.

    Jacob was married to four women, two of of whom were given to him by his first two wives. Leah was rewarded by God for overcoming her jealousy of Jacob and giving him her hand maid to bare him more children:

    “Then Leah said, “God has rewarded me for giving my servant to my husband.” So she named him Issachar.” Genesis 30:18(NIV)

    In fact God loves Jacob so much, and his four wives(which he never spoke a negative word toward) that he has enshrined the 12 sons these woman on the foundation of his eternal city for all time.

    I realize it goes completely against our cultural norms today, and even most evangelical Christians have gone out of there way to say that the polygamy of men like Jacob and other great Patriarchs of the Bible was a sin that God simply overlooked. The problem is there is ZERO evidence to support that position – in fact the evidence points to the fact that God condoned, and regulated polygamy.

  8. Biblicalgenderroles,

    I respectfully disagree. Back in biblical times life was completely different. Perhaps because God wanted to populate our world that he allowed men to take more than one wife to produce more children. There could have been more females born in those times than males and therefor women needed to share a husband for her children and herself to be cared for. It was a time that the poor had nothing at all and women were little more than chattel and a father may have given his daughter in marriage to a man that already had other wives. We can only speculate on what we read in the Bible.

    I also believe that God is just and would not purposefully want to hurt women by giving men a promiscuous nature without giving them the ability to control their behaviors.

    I don’t believe it is a sin for women to be hurt or jealous when her husband is acting in an inappropriate way. Wives give themselves to their husbands and for the husbands to fantisize about other women, be it looking at porn or flirting with a coworker, or just being aroused by a stranger seems wrong to me. Yes jealousy is not a good trait for anyone to have, but when a husband does not use good judgement or control his urges it can tear apart a wives heart and can do great damage to the relationship.

    I can’t help thinking you are looking for excuses to allow men to express their sexuality in whatever way they choose by saying they can’t help it, it is the way God made us. Women suffer giving birth but rejoice after with the gift of a child. Men have a struggle with their wanton nature, but can reap the rewards of being faithful to his family The Lord has given him. Telling men you can’t help yourself you are a slave to your nature does not appeal to their higher self.

  9. Well, what you wrote here goes both ways. First man and woman are jealous by nature. My husband use to look at other women and sometimes commented about them with other people that were with us. He thought that it is normal and did not see why I was bothered. I started to do the same thing. When I saw a nice guy I just kept on saying the same things that he use to say about other women. Needless to say that a huge scandal followed. But he learned his lesson. He now says that I am the most beautiful woman and he does not allows talking about other women in his presence. But this opened my eyes that there are other nice guys there, that I would not have observed if not for him.

  10. Denisa,

    I agree with you that men need to use discretion as I pointed out at then end of the third post on this. But it is normal to notice beautiful people of the opposite sex. My wife likes Chris Hemsworth and Tim Mcgraw and this does not bother me in the least. There are some actresses that my wife knows I like this does not bother her.

    For some couples they can walk through a mall and point out attractive members of the opposite sex and neither would be bothered, but for others it may bother one or the other and if that is the case then they both need to sensitive to that fact and respect that fact.

    I also talked about “gawking”, staring at people and other such things that are never appropriate.

    But then we have the jealous spouse, where if they even catch their spouse glance at another person of the opposite sex(they don’t say anything, they don’t gawk, but a simple glance) and the jealous spouse is all up in arms. At that point the sin lies squarely with the jealous spouse.

  11. Modern Mom,

    You said:

    “I also believe that God is just and would not purposefully want to hurt women by giving men a promiscuous nature without giving them the ability to control their behaviors.”

    There is a HUGE difference between a man having a “promiscuous nature” and a “polygynous nature”.

    A man having a “promiscuous nature” would mean he is what the Bible refers to as a “whore monger” where he seeks to have sex with many women outside marriage. He has sex with prostitutes and whores, any woman he can find to have sex with he will.

    A man have a “polygynous nature” would be like Jacob who had 4 wives. He did not go out looking for women to have sex with outside of marriage, the women he had sex with he provide for and took as wives and gave them the full rights and privileges of wives.

    For a man, promiscuity is perversion of his natural God given polygynous nature. King David is a prime example of this. King David was given the many wives of Saul and at his height had 18 wives, yet he took Bathsheba – thus allowing his natural polygynous nature to be perverted into promiscuity.

    You said:

    “I don’t believe it is a sin for women to be hurt or jealous when her husband is acting in an inappropriate way. Wives give themselves to their husbands and for the husbands to fantisize about other women, be it looking at porn or flirting with a coworker, or just being aroused by a stranger seems wrong to me. Yes jealousy is not a good trait for anyone to have, but when a husband does not use good judgement or control his urges it can tear apart a wives heart and can do great damage to the relationship.”

    First let me say where I agree with you. I agree that a woman is not wrong for being angry at her husband’s sin. But let’s define what is sin and what is not sin.

    It is sin for a man to look at pictures or movies of people engaging in immoral sexual acts.
    It is sin for a man to look gawk at women or act rude toward other women, or their wives.
    If a man is living in a society such as ours where polygamy is not the norm, he has made a commitment of monogamous marriage to his wife, so that he has no intention of taking another wife – then I agree he has no business flirting with a coworker or other women. In this case flirting with another woman could only lead to promiscuity.

    So that is where I agree with you – now here is where I disagree with you:

    You cannot control you husband’s fantasies, or arousal. If your husband is being cool about it, and not putting it in your face or gawking at other women then you cannot get inside his head and be offended by what he is thinking. As long as his thoughts are not of how he can get a woman to have sex with himself outside of marriage there is no sin.

    So this kind of jealousy, being jealous that your husband would ever find another woman attractive, or wonder what she looks like naked, or be aroused by her is sinful in understanding of Scripture.

  12. I would never be so presumptuous to assume that my husband, as a normal male, has and does not look at attractive women. Nor would I try to controll his thoughts even if it were possible. We all fantisize, but women seem to do it in a much less creepy way than men. You are not going to like that word “creepy” but I think it applies to many men.

    i have seen much older men look at young girls in a shameful way who were old enough to be their grandaughters, or fathers looking at their daughter’s friends in a way that was so inappropriate you could almost read their minds. How many times have men stared at a womens chest while talking to her. I could go on with many more examples. You will say this is sinful and I agree.

    Women love to look at attractive men also. We wonder if they are good lovers, if they are romantic and may fantisize about how they kiss, etc. So we are not much different from men except in a way that is a lot less lewd and creepy. (That word again). We have all heard men’s vulger jokes that objectify women.

    I get that what you are saying to us is that it’s normal to look at attrractive women and to be arroused by them because it is part of a man’s physical nature and therefor not sinful.

    Here is where I disagree with you. Men and women both fantisize or daydream, but being a female I can attest that our fantasies are a lot more temperate.

    I will never be convinced that a man who is fantizing about a women is picturing the two of them holding hands and strolling along the beach at midnight to a full moon. Instead I would guess that he is picturing that women in a pornagraphic position doing who knows what to her.

    Arousal is an uncontrollable physical reaction but lustful thoughts aren’t, they are thoughts and fantasies about possessing someone we shouldn’t have outside the marriage.

    In conclusion should a wife not feel jealous or hurt under these conditions knowing what we know about most men? It makes us feel insecure, not good enough disrespected and resentful. You paint a virtuous Christian man who is a slave to his mind, body and nature in constant conflict with his sinful self, the poor guy. Unfortunately there are a lot of men out there who excuse there sinful ways because they say they are guys and that is what guys do. (I have heard that more than once).

  13. Modern Mom,

    Men are much more visually sexual creatures than women. This has been confirmed by multiple studies where men and women are presented with photos of beautiful members of the opposite sex. While both genders have their various parts of their brain light up when looking at photos of the opposite sex – a man’s brain lights up light Christmas tree, while women’s brains did not.

    As I said previously, men need to have proper manners and control their nature inclination to stare at beautiful women. But we as men are drawn to beauty of women in the same way that both men and women are drawn to the site and smell of food. I advice Christian men(including my teenage sons) that we don’t need to suppress our male sexuality, but rather we need to channel our male sexuality.

    So as part of channeling our male sexuality, yes we can glance at beautiful women and enjoy that view. But we should not stare or gawk for two reasons – number one it makes the woman being stared at uncomfortable. Number two, it might offend the women(like your wife or girlfriend) you are with.

    You say you understand man’s nature is more physical than a woman’s. But I don’t think you fully grasp that truth. I think when you talk about men being creepy, it is from your lack of understanding that men are much more physical when it comes to sexuality, where as women are more relational. Neither approach is wrong – as God has designed them both. When you put a man and woman together in marriage – the man’s physical drive for sex, and the woman’s relational drive when combined is what makes for a great marriage.

    You seem to have an issue with older men looking at younger women – but again this is how God has designed men. Men are wired for youth, beauty and health. So no, a 40 year old man is not “creepy”, biologically, or biblically speaking for glancing(as opposed to staring or gawking) at a beautiful 18 year old girl. In Biblical times he could take her as an additional wife and have more children with her.

    About fantasies – again this from your lack of understanding that men are more physically based and women are more relationally based creatures. It is no more sinful for a man fantasize about having sex with a woman, than it is for a woman to fantasize about strolling down the beach holding hands and kissing a man.

    I agree with this statement you made:

    “Arousal is an uncontrollable physical reaction but lustful thoughts aren’t, they are thoughts and fantasies about possessing someone we shouldn’t have outside the marriage.”

    However, a man can fantasize or dream or imagine what it would be like to have sex with a particular woman and as long as he is not thinking about how he could actually get her to have sex with him outside of marriage there is no sin.

    Let me illustrate this another way. Let’s say my neighbor has a corvette. Every time he pulls that corvette up in his drive way it I love looking at it. I might even imagine or dream sometimes about myself driving down the highway in his corvette. So far I have not sinned by lusting after his car(coveting his car). But what if I knew my neighbor was going on a weekend getaway, and leaving his corvette at home, I knew where his spare key for his house was and where his corvette keys are hanging. If I start fantasizing about actually going into his house to taking his corvette for a joy ride while he is gone – now my thoughts have gone from harmless imagination to sinful lust.

    Now let’s replace my neighbor’s corvette with his wife. Let’s say my neighbor has a beautiful wife. Every time she comes home and I get a glance of her it gives me pleasure to see her. Sometimes I imagine what she would look like naked, or might even imagine what it would be like to have sex with her. As long as I am not staring at her, or trying to look in the windows of her house, or telling my wife about how pretty I think my neighbor’s wife is – I have not sinned. No lust has occurred.

    Now if I start thinking of how I can befriend my neighbor’s wife, in anticipation of getting her to sleep with me that is a whole other matter. If I entertain thoughts of actually getting her to have sex with me, if I start flirting with her and looking for ways to “help her” with things around the house while her husband is gone – I am lusting. Lusting is covetous thoughts – thoughts and fantasies about actual possession of someone or something I am not allowed to possess.

    Modern Mom

    Let me pose to you a Biblical truth, and then ask you a question.

    “Neither was the man created for the woman; but the woman for the man.” – I Corinthians 11:9

    From the Old Testament to the New Testament – it is clear that God created woman for man, not man for woman. This is why it is not inconsistent that God created man as polygynous and woman as monogamous.

    Why do women feel “feel insecure, not good enough disrespected and resentful” toward their husbands for being attracted to other women?

    The reason is because in their sinful nature they reject the idea that their husbands were not made ONLY to be with one woman – them.

    It really is that simple.

  14. I have many thoughts about your comments and I hope that I can express myself in a comprehensive way.

    I Corinthians 6:19
    Our bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own.

    What I take from that passage is that we don’t own our bodies because they belong to God. My question to you is what right does any man have to undress a woman with his eyes or immagination to see her naked or to fantisize about what it would be like to have sex with her. If her body belongs to God then doing so would desecrate it.

    Corinthians 7 NIRU
    The wife’s body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way the husband’s body does not belong to him alone but also his wife.

    A womens body belongs to God but is shared in marriage with her husband and the same with the husband’s body belonging to his wife.
    A loving husband does not want his wife to be the object of a another man’s fantasies. Certainly this would be sinful.

    Next I want to address your defense of older men looking at young girls because you say that men are attracted to youth, beauty and health. You also say that you have two teenage sons. What if you had two teenage girls instead? Would you be okay with older men looking at them? Most fathers are very protective of their daughters because they know how men think and they really don’t want anyone looking and having those thoughts about their daughters, especially an older male who should know better. A friend and father of a young girl said half kiddingly, that he wouldn’t let her date until she was thirty years old.

    If you are arguing that God designed men in this way so they are only acting out the nature they were given, then my reply is that God had a plan to populate the world and so he purposefully made men to want to propagate. He also wanted men and women to marry so they wouldn’t be like bunnies, instead taking responsibility for there offspring. God also gave man a developing brain, the freedom to choose between right and wrong and the ability to solve problems. In a civilized society we do not need to overpopulate the world and we can act in a manner that honors God and family.

    As far as comparing a man’s sexual desire to a woman’s desire for chocolate cupcakes is ridiculous. I say offer him a big juicy steak and a cold bottle of beer and that would be a fair comparison.

    My last comment is about your opinion that women have a sinful nature because they do not accept the fact that men have a polygamous nature and women want them to desire only them.

    I don’t believe there is anything sinful about that. If a man were truthful to the women he chose to marry, he would tell her that he loved her but that he would always be attracted to other women. Especially as she aged because his nature is to desire youth, beauty and health. Wow! That would go over like a lead balloon. How many women would accept that and want to marry? My guess is not many. So men marry under false pretenses because they are not honest. Women want to believe that they are the one and only. That even though their man may look at a beautiful women that they forget about that women quickly and their attention is back on their loved one. It is very disheartening for a women to think that their man’s attention and desire is on someone else. It is not sinful for her to think this way because this is what she is led to believe. Girls are brought up believing in fairytales and romance. When their balloon is busted they tend to become more of a feminist.

    I guess I gave you a lot to disagree with, but these are the feelings of myself and many of my friends.. Men and women certainly think and act differently but we both want to be loved and respected.
    .

  15. Thanks for doing such a great job pointing out the natural differences between men and women. So much has been lost in today’s culture of feminism. I appreciate your work.
    I do have a few thoughts to run by you if you can spare the time?
    1. I understand fully how men are just “wired” to look a females. What has been mind-boggling for me lately is trying to understand how a man’s judgement can become “flawed” in the presence of an attractive woman. Their normal logic seems to go out the window. Here’s an example I’ve been struggling with: My husband has good values and his head on straight and condemns any sort of adultery, divorce, fornication in others (although he knows it’s important to forgive). He works with a cute girl who’s been divorced thrice, and just spent a decade fornicating with a man she claimed she didn’t like for his money. My husband feels “sorry” for her and wants to set her up with the nice new guy at work and has always made excuses for her immoral behavior, which he doesn’t do for anyone else. There has been no signs or repentance or remorse from the girl for her behavior, just regret that’s she’s out money from the breakup. I realize there is an attraction there which I get. But the complete excuse-making and defending a history of poor morals that go against his beliefs is of concern to me. Why is it? And what is a wife to do? (For the record, I trust that he won’t cheat).

    2. Interesting observation about polygamy. Would you support polygamy today? Why or why not?

    Nice website…I’ll be checking this all out today!

  16. My Husband’s Wife,

    You are right to be cautious with your husband when it comes to attractive women he works with(even though you trust him). Men can be mislead by their visual sexual nature in the same way that women can be mislead by their emotional nature. Both a man’s visual sexual nature, and a woman’s emotional nature are gifts from God. But our sin nature can take these gifts and use them against us. This is why a wife needs to help her husband see when he may be being mislead by his visual sexual nature, and at the same time sometimes a husband needs to help his wife see when she is being mislead by her emotional nature. I think in this case you need to gently and respectfully let your husband know that you think he is compromising his own beliefs with this girl.

    On the issue of polygamy – yes I would support it today. In fact I believe the state has no place in marriage, as it is a God ordained and created institution. However that does not mean I agree with the Supreme court’s decisions on gay marriage – as it further honored something that is a disgrace in God’s eyes. So as far as the state goes – where their laws go along with God’s Word, I will follow, but where they deviate – either by allowing something God does not allow(gay marriage), or by disallowing something that God does allow(polygamy) I reject their laws in these areas. That is not to say I practice polygamy, but I know some Christians who secretly do and I do not believe they are sinning.

  17. Interesting perspective. Maybe this is why God instructed husbands to love their wives but instructed wives to respect their husbands. He must have fore known that this ‘visual nature’ of the man and natural ageing in life don’t go well together, that ultimately a wife’s love for her husband would erode to the point of disrespect due to his desire for other women. Being instructed to be respectful acknowledges the woman’s heart because He must have known it would be impossible for wives to be in love with their husbands for very long with this arrangement. Essentially wives are instructed to tolerate their husbands.

  18. You may find reading ‘Does Scripture or God allow polygamy on ‘Let Us Reason”s website useful for scriptural guidance in this issue.

  19. Lady,

    I am familiar with this article and at some point will do a direct rebuttal to it along with several other popular anti-polygamy Christian articles. But I have written several posts that answer there arguments.

    https://biblicalgenderroles.com/2014/06/05/why-polygamy-is-not-unbiblical-part-1/
    https://biblicalgenderroles.com/2014/06/05/why-polygamy-is-not-unbiblical-part-2/
    https://biblicalgenderroles.com/2014/06/05/why-polygamy-is-not-unbiblical-part-3/
    https://biblicalgenderroles.com/2014/06/05/why-polygamy-is-not-unbiblical-part-4/
    https://biblicalgenderroles.com/2014/06/05/why-polygamy-is-not-unbiblical-part-5/

    https://biblicalgenderroles.com/2015/08/14/was-polygamy-a-sin-in-the-old-testament-that-god-overlooked/

    I go into depth on many arguments against polygamy from a Biblical perspective. But in the end it comes down to this truth that I prove through many Scriptural passages. God does not allow for a practice in his law that he believes is sinful . God would not symbolize himself as a polygamous husband to Israel and Judah in prophecy if he believed polygamy was a sinful corruption of his design for the marriage and the family.

    I invite you to read through these posts I have referenced.

  20. I do not mean to be argumentive, however I think you are looking for reasons and excuses for men to be with more than one women at a time, especially since you believe in polygamy. You look to the Bible for answers but how can you know for sure what God really intended. There are different interpretations of the Bible by many scholars so doesn’t it come down to really being a good person and doing the right things. You tell married men it is not sinful to look at other women and fantasize about having sex with them as long as you don’t actually do it. Really? We know that men do that and maybe some women but shouldn’t they feel guilty.? We know it is okay to glance and admire but doing the act in their mind with someone other than their spouse seems sinful to me.

    There are over 3 billion porn sites on the Internet, catering to men’s worst carnal instincts,with some of the most disgusting acts being portrayed and these sites are being constantly visited by men. I really don’t think this is what God had in mind when he made women.

    I am not sure why God gave men such a physical nature other than he wanted the world populated. That has been more than accomplished and now isn’t up to men to control those desires and urges since we are supposed to be civilized? I understand men want and desire many different women but then why bother to get married. Why hurt your wife?

    It seems women get the worst of this because they are the nurtures and the ones to keep the family together and they are equal partners in their marriage because most help to support their families. What they get in return is their men fantasizing about having sex with other women. Did God really intend on women being having their hearts broken or was he counting on men to use their brains and their free will and overcome this sinful nature. If he did he must be sorely disappointed.

  21. My christian marriage is now “no more” because of the “staring” at other females that was going on in it.In my opinion it is about one thing and one thing only…RESPECT…or lack of. I made my needs very clear..”Please stop doing that. I don’t like it because I don’t know what you are thinking when you are doing it.”We had
    prayer..promises..lengthy
    discussions..lots of hurt and
    mistrust..anger (sin on my part) and after 18months of more of the

    same..I
    unceremoniously asked him to go.A
    woman at our church who always
    showed an unhealthy interest in him
    showed him sympathy and then came
    the adultery.Oh joy.His excuse was that I
    threw him out and left him for dead.
    Enough said.So as you can see..it is a very sore point with me.Before my husband I met a lovely man but I chose not to marry him as he didn’t know the Lord. He did however know how to respect me in that I never once saw him looking or even glancing at other women..he may have done when alone but not when with me.He wasn’t asexual..or homosexual or bi-sexual or similar.What he was, was
    RESPECTFUL..I am currently separated from my husband but still married on.paper. It’s a complete mess and it all started with staring.I am adjusting to life alone now.Being with a man who has such a lack if self control just led me into sin..anger suspicion bitterness resentment..I am more effective for God as a single woman I feel.I was very aware that my husband had body image issues and felt unhappy and I would never openly stare or glance at another guy as I know that it would fuel his insecurities..It’s a shame he couldn’t have the same awareness and respect..I prefer to stay alone that be with any man who does this.There you have it. Thank you for your article.

  22. Danna,

    Your Statement:

    “If it is okay for my boyfriend to look other women’s beauty, then, why does it hurt so much?”

    The reason it hurts so much is the same reason that some children are hurt by the fact that their parents are affectionate toward a new sibling that has just been born. Many “first” children struggle when a new baby comes along. They want to be the center of the parents universe. They may ask the same question that you are asking “Why am I not enough? Why would you want anyone in addition to me?”

    But we must compare our desires and our feelings with God’s Word. Did God design men to love and desire only one woman? I have shown in this series as well as many other series on the blog that God did NOT design men to only love and desire one woman. Men are polygynous in their design even if not every man has been able to fully act on that polygynous design throughout history.

    So as a woman you have two choices. You can accept that your boyfriend can feel you are beautiful and have affection and feelings for you and at the same time he can look at and be drawn to other women’s beauty as well. If you come to a full acceptance of this principle then your feelings will eventually align and you would not be hurt when he looks at other women’s beauty.

    Again though as I mentioned in this post men need to have some tact when looking at other women.

  23. Z,

    Your Statement:

    “There is no need to have tact when looking at other women. Let the desire to look at her go. Be of pure heart.”

    Let me take your statement and change the object of desire.

    “There is no need to have tact when looking at food on someone’s plate at their table. Let the desire to look at food that is on anyone else’s plate than yours go. Be of pure(not taking enjoyment from the sight of food) heart.”

    It is no more “impure” to look at and enjoy the sight of a beautiful woman than it is to enjoy the sight of a cheeseburger. We are designed by God to do both.

  24. Thank you biblicalgenderroles for creating this article. I’m really glad that finally someone has taken the time and energy to explain and refute the arguments. Do not let anyone try to make you feel guilty for that saying that you are “impure” of heart.

    This is for anyone trying to condemn you based on “impurity”, they are just “lifting their souls to vanity”:

    Colossians 2:16 Then do not let anyone judge you in eating, or in drinking, or in respect of a feast, or the new moon, or of sabbaths, 17 which are a shadow of coming things, but the body is of Christ.
    18 Let no one condemn you, delighting in humility and worship of the angels, pushing into things which he has not seen, being puffed up by the mind of his flesh without a cause.

    Psalms 24:4 3 Who shall ascend into the hill of the LORD? or who shall stand in his holy place? 4 He that has clean hands, and a pure heart; who has not lifted up his soul to vanity, nor sworn deceitfully.

    James 4:11 Speak not evil one of another, brothers. He that speaks evil of his brother, and judges his brother, speaks evil of the law, and judges the law: but if you judge the law, you are not a doer of the law, but a judge.

  25. What’s you’re opinion about a husband who looks at pictures of other women naked online. My husband looks at what they call “Big Jugs” online from his phone. I can understand the looking at Beautiful women so to say but what is your opinion about my problem. Is ther any scriptures on THAT ISSUE??

  26. Danette,

    Your Question:

    “What’s you’re opinion about a husband who looks at pictures of other women naked online. My husband looks at what they call “Big Jugs” online from his phone. I can understand the looking at Beautiful women so to say but what is your opinion about my problem. Is ther any scriptures on THAT ISSUE??”

    I have spoke extensively on this site about what the Bible says about men looking at porn and what I believe a Christian wife’s response to it should be in these articles:

    https://biblicalgenderroles.com/2016/04/07/10-hard-truths-that-christian-wives-must-accept-about-their-husbands-and-porn/
    https://biblicalgenderroles.com/2016/10/16/christian-blogger-says-porn-is-good/

    I would suggest you read these articles(and the articles they link to) in their entirety to truly get a better understanding of this issue.

    But if I were to summarize what I have said in those articles it would be this:

    It is not wrong for a person to have sexual fantasies. It is not wrong to be aroused by members of the opposite sex in person, or in an image or in our imagination. Where sin comes in is what we do with our sexual arousal and fantasy. Do we allow it make us lust which is to desire unlawful sex outside of marriage? Finding someone sexually desirable or even having a sexual dream, thought or fantasy about them is not sin. It is when we move from finding them desirable and from sexual fantasy to covetous desire to have that person outside of marriage.

    So with that in mind here are some questions I have for you to consider:

    Why is it your problem that your husband looks at images of other women on his phone? Whether or not you believe it is sinful for him to do so(which I do not believe the Scriptures say it is) he is not your responsibility. That is between him and God.

    Ultimately you have three choices as to how you will handle this situation.

    1. You can accept that God does not restrict your husband’s sexual thoughts to be of you and you alone. If you truly accept that principle then you will find no more offense in him looking at these images.

    2. You can choose to reject that God allows your husband to have sexual thoughts of women beside you but can accept that it is not your responsibility to confront him as you are not his spiritual authority. That means no more snooping on his phone or his computer.

    3. You can take the approach of option 2 in rejecting that your husband is allowed to have sexual thoughts of other women(including looking at images of other women) and choose to go to war with him. You can try and snoop through his phone or computer and you can shame him by telling others and trying to get him to stop. But in most cases this 3rd option will not turn out well for you or your marriage. If he does tell you he has stopped he will simply just hide it better.

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