About me

I just did a well needed tune up on my About me page.

As a young man I was passionate about four areas of study – theology, history, human nature and computers.  My day job working in IT lets me exercise my love of technology and this site allows me to serve God by teaching others what I have learned from his Word, from history books and from human nature.

Many have asked what my educational background is.  I attended and graduated from a Protestant Christian high school. I also have some college training as well as certifications in various technical arenas.   I have taught Sunday school classes and during my first marriage filled my church’s pulpit when my Pastor was not available to preach.

While I do not have a degree in theology I have studied the Scriptures in high school and for most of my adult life(so about 25 years).  I have read through the entire Bible several times and I have memorized many portions of the Scripture.  While I was in college I studied the Greek and Hebrew languages but I do not claim to be a scholar in these areas….

Read the complete new About me page here.

You Can’t Be Together All the Time – Respecting Your Husband’s Space

This is a great post by DragonFly and so needed in marriage. Abraham Lincoln’s wife being so needing and jealous is a great example of what not to be as a wife.

While husbands and wives definitely need to talk,have sex and give each other quality time – that does not mean we have be spending every moment staring into each other’s eyes or talking or even having sex.

We and we should be able to have our friends(both husbands and wives) – I think this makes it better when we do come back together for quality time.

“I Was SURE I Would Never Make My Husband into an Idol!”

This is absolutely a fantastic post. While the Bible commands wives to submit to and follow their husband’s leadership – they should never make their husband into an idol by making all their happiness and joy dependent on him. God must remain our source of joy both before marriage and after marriage. Our spouses(husband or wife) will let us down, but God never will.

The Peaceful Wife

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FACEBOOK NEWS!

I am starting a new prayer group on Facebook. It will be just for women who want to become leaders in ministry for this prayer team for the first 4-6 weeks while I train these leaders. Then we will open up the group to all women who would like to join. It will be a closed group in a few days. Right now, I have it as a public group and have links on my FB pages if anyone is interested in joining the training for leadership. Please join me in prayer that God might direct every step I take and every step we all take in this endeavor for His kingdom and His will to be done and His glory! There is a link on the right hand column of my blog for my Facebook page. 🙂

From a dear sister in Christ whose marriage is facing…

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The Heresy of Skip Moen and his book Guardian Angel

Skip Moen is pretty close to what I would call a “Christian feminist cult leader”. He certainly is not the only major teacher of Christian Feminism, but he definitely has his unique brand of it. Skip Moen might be a loving husband and loving father to his children. I don’t know him personally but I don’t have to know him personally to show that his teachings are not just minor differences of interpretation but they are the very definition of heresy.

So what is this heresy that Skip Moen teaches?

I am not the first Christian to take on Skip Moen’s heresy and I hope I won’t be the last. But one of the best critical reviews of Skip Moen’s work is by Daniel Botkin and he gives a great synopsis of Skip Moen’s false teachings when he writes:

“According to Moen, the wife’s God-ordained role in the marriage, both before and after the Fall, is to be the following things to her husband: his priest and spiritual guide, his spiritual director, his boundary-setter, his confronter and corrector, his chastiser, his protector and guardian, his rescuer, his owner and manager, his shield, his sustainer, his nourisher”

http://restoredcov.org/resources/articles/guardianangel/

Skip Moen in his response to Daniel Botkin’s critical review confirms that Botkin correctly captured the essence of his teaching so we can be assured this is an accurate representation of Skip Moen’s beliefs:

“According to Botkin, “All of Moen’s descriptions of the woman’s role as the husband’s priest and spiritual guide, provider, protector, etc., etc. are derived from his misunderstanding of the ‘ezer kenegdo.” What does Botkin offer in place of my analysis?”

http://skipmoen.com/2014/02/01/a-response-to-daniel-botkins-criticism-of-guardian-angel/

So the heresy of Skip Moen is that he teaches a complete role reversal for men and women than what the Scriptures teach. His entire doctrinal position rests on one passage of Scripture:

“And the Lord God said, It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him.” – Genesis 2:18 (KJV)

The English phrase “help meet” is a translation of two Hebrew Words “ezer kenegdo”.   I previously wrote an entire post on this entitled “What did God mean when he called woman a help meet for man?” where I dive into the meaning “ezer kenegdo” and I showed that this Hebrew phrase literally means “a helper who is man’s opposite”.  Check out my post for more on “ezer kenegdo” as well as Daniel Botkin’s excellent rebuttal on the meaning of this Hebrew phrase at http://restoredcov.org/resources/articles/guardianangel/

How Skip Moen wrongly interprets Scripture

The Bible tells us that we need to rightly divide, or discern the Word of God, otherwise we may run the danger of teaching heresy.

“Study to shew thyself approved unto God, a workman that needeth not to be ashamed, rightly dividing the word of truth.” – II Timothy 2:15 (KJV)

I love word studies in the Bible. I love studying the Hebrew and Greek languages which are the languages the Bible was originally written in. I love studying the cultural backgrounds of the Scriptures. I love the Old Testament and I think it is just as important as the New.  But there is a point where we can take a word by itself and get caught up in what we think it means to the point where we ignore the context of how it used in Scripture.

So here is Skip Moen’s error. He takes what he believes “help meet” or “ezer kenegdo” means and then instead of letting the Scriptures themselves define what God meant by “help meet” he defines it himself.   He then takes his warped definition and attempts to twist the entirety of Scripture to fit what he thinks it means.

God defines what “help meet” means for us in the Scriptures

Skip Moen makes the mistake of not realizing that God interprets his own Word. You don’t need a Hebrew lexicon or a degree in Bible doctrine to see that God clearly defines what he meant by calling woman a “help meet” for man.

A help meet is one that realizes she was made to serve her husband, rather than him being made to serve her

“Neither was the man created for the woman; but the woman for the man.” – I Corinthians 11:9 (KJV)

This first principle is where all the preceding commands regarding help meets come from. If a woman rejects this principle, then it is more than likely she will reject many other Biblical commands regarding God’s will and design of woman as a help meet to man.

A help meet is one who regards her husband as her lord and master

“Likewise, ye wives, be in subjection to your own husbands… For after this manner in the old time the holy women also, who trusted in God, adorned themselves, being in subjection unto their own husbands: Even as Sara obeyed Abraham, calling him lord: whose daughters ye are, as long as ye do well, and are not afraid with any amazement.” – I Peter 3: 1 & 5-6 (KJV)

Because women were made for men as their help meets, they are to regard their husbands as their lords and masters. Sarah, a godly wife, modeled this by calling her husband her lord.

A help meet is one who submits to her husband as the Church submits to Christ

“23 For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the saviour of the body. 24 Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing.” – Ephesians 5:23-24 (KJV)

A woman who wants to be the help meet God intended her to be recognizes that God wants her to model her relationship after the relationship of Christ and his Church(with her representing the Church, and her husband representing Christ).

A help meet is one who freely submits not only her will, but also her body to her husband for his pleasure

“Let the husband render unto the wife due benevolence: and likewise also the wife unto the husband. The wife hath not power of her own body, but the husband: and likewise also the husband hath not power of his own body, but the wife.” – I Corinthians 7:3-4 (KJV)

“Let her be as the loving hind and pleasant roe; let her breasts satisfy thee at all times; and be thou ravished always with her love.” – Proverbs 5:19 (KJV)

A woman when reflecting on the first principle that God made her for her husband – will freely give her body to her husband for his pleasure and comfort.

A help meet keeps herself beautiful for her husband in the same way the Church adorns herself for Christ

“And I John saw the holy city, new Jerusalem, coming down from God out of heaven, prepared as a bride adorned for her husband.” – Revelation 21:2 (KJV)

A woman’s beauty is symbolic of the beauty of the Church. In the same way that the Church adorns herself for her husband, so too Christian wives ought to adorn themselves for their husbands.

A help meet keeps her husband’s home and bears his children

“That they may teach the young women… To be discreet, chaste, keepers at home, good, obedient to their own husbands, that the word of God be not blasphemed.” – Titus 2:4-5 (KJV)

“I will therefore that the younger women marry, bear children, guide the house, give none occasion to the adversary to speak reproachfully.” – I Timothy 5:14 (KJV)

“She looketh well to the ways of her household, and eateth not the bread of idleness.” – Proverbs 31:27 (KJV)

Two of her primary duties as a help meet to man is for a woman to bear children and manage the domestic affairs of the home.

A help meet will not bring shame to her husband

“A virtuous woman is a crown to her husband: but she that maketh ashamed is as rottenness in his bones.” – Proverbs 12:4 (KJV).

When a woman speaks disrespectfully to her husband or acts in ways that make her husband ashamed it is as rottenness in his bones. Instead a woman that praises her husband and respects her husband is his crown.

A help meet will not constantly contend or be angry with her husband

“It is better to dwell in the wilderness, than with a contentious and an angry woman.” – Proverbs 21:19

When a woman is contentious and is constantly arguing with her husband and bucking his every decision or holding grudges against him and being angry with him this is the opposite of God’s intent for her as his help meet. A woman who is surrendered to the Spirit of God and his design for her as a help meet will not be a nag to her husband.

A help meet is one who has a meek and quiet spirit toward her husband

“Likewise, ye wives, be in subjection to your own husbands… Whose adorning let it not be that outward adorning of plaiting the hair, and of wearing of gold, or of putting on of apparel; But let it be the hidden man of the heart, in that which is not corruptible, even the ornament of a meek and quiet spirit, which is in the sight of God of great price.” – I Peter 1 & 3-4 (KJV)

While a help meet should keep herself beautiful for her husband, her greatest beauty is that of her inner self, her meek and quiet spirit toward her husband.

A help meet is one who is affectionate toward her husband

“That they may teach the young women to be sober, to love their husbands…” – Titus 2:4(KJV)

A woman in her role as a help meet to her husband will not only submit to and obey him, but she will also be affectionate towards him.

A help meet is one who has her husband’s trust

“Who can find a virtuous woman? for her price is far above rubies. The heart of her husband doth safely trust in her, so that he shall have no need of spoil. She will do him good and not evil all the days of her life.” – Proverbs 31:10-12 (KJV)

A godly wife, a wife who is fulfilling her duty as a help meet to her husband will always have his back. He can trust that she will never betray him. A wife in her duty as a help meet should be her husband’s greatest cheerleader.

A help meet is one who offers her husband godly counsel

“Every wise woman buildeth her house: but the foolish plucketh it down with her hands.” – Proverbs 14:1 (KJV)

She openeth her mouth with wisdom; and in her tongue is the law of kindness.” – Proverbs 31:26 (KJV)

“As a jewel of gold in a swine’s snout, so is a fair woman which is without discretion.” – Proverbs 11:22 (KJV)

A wife who is exercising her role as the help meet God intended her to be will speak wise and godly counsel to her husband, but she we also practice discretion in knowing when to speak and when to hold her tongue.

A help meet is one who listens to her husband’s Godly counsel

“And if they will learn any thing, let them ask their husbands at home: for it is a shame for women to speak in the church.” – I Corinthians 14:35 (KJV)

While women should learn from their Pastors and other godly women as well, the first person they should look to for spiritual guidance is their husband if he is a believer. A woman who is constantly going behind her husband’s back seeking counsel that will contradict her husband’s spiritual teaching is going against God’s design for her as a help meet to her husband.

A help meet is one who submits to and receives her husband’s chastisement and correction

“But he said unto her, Thou speakest as one of the foolish women speaketh. What? shall we receive good at the hand of God, and shall we not receive evil? In all this did not Job sin with his lips.” – Job 2:10 (KJV)

And Jacob’s anger was kindled against Rachel: and he said, Am I in God’s stead, who hath withheld from thee the fruit of the womb?” – Genesis 30:2 (KJV)

“21 And David said unto Michal, It was before the Lord, which chose me before thy father, and before all his house, to appoint me ruler over the people of the Lord, over Israel: therefore will I play before the Lord. 22 And I will yet be more vile than thus, and will be base in mine own sight: and of the maidservants which thou hast spoken of, of them shall I be had in honour. 23 Therefore Michal the daughter of Saul had no child unto the day of her death.” – II Samuel 6:21-23 (KJV)

A women in her role as help meet will humbly accept the rebuke or correction of her husband when he sees sinful behavior in her life.

A help meet is one who looks to her husband for nourishment and protection

“So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself. For no man ever yet hated his own flesh; but nourisheth and cherisheth it, even as the Lord the church:” – Ephesians 5:28-29 (KJV)

While the modern meaning of the English word “cherish” has romantic connotations, the Greek that this word is translated from has the idea of protection. A wife in her role as help meet will depend on her husband and will look to him for nourishment and protection as the Church depends on Christ for its nourishment and protection.

Conclusion

As we can see from God’s Word – Skip Moen’s teaching that “the wife’s God-ordained role in the marriage, both before and after the Fall, is to be the following things to her husband: his priest and spiritual guide, his spiritual director, his boundary-setter, his confronter and corrector, his chastiser, his protector and guardian, his rescuer, his owner and manager, his shield, his sustainer, his nourisher” is heresy plain and simple.

In fact it would be correct to say that it is the complete OPPOSITE of what God’s Word teaches about the roles of men and women as God designed them to be.

If you read all the Scripture passages I have cited above – this what the truth of God’s Word actually is:

The husband’s God-ordained role in the marriage, both before and after the Fall, is to be the following things to his wife: HER spiritual guide, HER spiritual director, HER boundary-setter, HER confronter and corrector, HER chastiser, HER protector and guardian, HER rescuer, HER owner and manager, HER shield, HER sustainer, HER nourisher

Pray that God will raise up strong men to combat this wickedness that is creeping into our homes. God speaks of men like Skip Moen who are “Ever learning, and never able to come to the knowledge of the truth.”

“For of this sort are they which creep into houses, and lead captive silly women laden with sins, led away with divers lusts, Ever learning, and never able to come to the knowledge of the truth. “ – II Timothy 3:6-7 (KJV)

How many “silly women” have been led astray by Skip Moen’s teachings? The answer is far too many. God gives us our battle plan against such false teachers when he tells us to:

“Preach the word; be instant in season, out of season; reprove, rebuke, exhort with all long suffering and doctrine. For the time will come when they will not endure sound doctrine; but after their own lusts shall they heap to themselves teachers, having itching ears; And they shall turn away their ears from the truth, and shall be turned unto fables.” – II Timothy 4:2-4 (KJV)

“Be on the alert, stand firm in the faith, act like men, be strong.” – I Corinthians 16:13 (NASB)

Pray that God will raise up a new generation of Godly preachers and husbands who will take back our homes and Churches for God and rid this poisonous Christian feminist teaching from our midst.

How much pain would you endure to have sex with your husband?

How much pain would you endure to have sex with your husband? What if you could not consummate your wedding vows on your wedding night? If you are having painful intercourse should you tell your husband?

In some previous posts on stories of sexual denial where I have shared reader’s stories – the subject of painful intercourse has arisen several times whether in public comments or private emails.  This is a topic that many Christian engaged couples who are trying remain pure for marriage never consider might happen to them. This issue affects wives across the spectrum from newlyweds to elderly wives.

I recently received this email from a woman named Anna, and she asked me to make her story public.  Just a heads up – this conversation will get a little more “graphic” than I usually get when talking about sex but I think as you read Anna’s story you will understand the need to speak frankly and openly about these issues.

Anna’s Story

“I’ve been reading your blog for a couple months now and have taken special interest in your posts about a husband/wife’s sexual duties to each other. While I don’t necessarily agree with everything else you post, I think you are right on the money here.  I wanted to send you my story because I think it might be an encouragement to women, but of course whatever you choose to put on your blog is up to you.

My husband and I were married a little over a month ago, and I had assured him multiple times prior to marriage that he didn’t need to worry about my freezing him out in the bedroom later on in our marriage. He appreciated that, but i had no idea at the time what wall would be required to keep that promise. When we arrived at our apartment on our wedding night, I was ready to start, and he definitely was. However, it didn’t exactly go according to plan as my body was way too tight for him to enter. I was in tears from the massive pain but kept telling him to try again. My sweet husband prioritized my needs over his and nixed that idea.

However, there are other things a woman can do and I was able to give him one orgasm right then, and another later that evening. We left for our honeymoon later with me fighting (more like losing to) guilt and depression. On our honeymoon, we tried pain medications, alcohol (neither of us were remotely drunk but I still do acknowledge that this idea is not for everyone), and about 5 different kinds of lube, and nothing worked. He knows that I normally hate going to doctors, so I assured him that as soon as we got back home, I’d book an appointment with a gynecologist to see what was wrong. He wasn’t particularly interested in trying intercourse until then as each session resulted in me breaking down in tears at the slightest attempt.

I got back to work (i’m a nurse with a particularly open group of co-workers!) and shared my plight with a few of my closer nurses and my manager as well.  I told them that i was going to see a gynecologist and was hoping to have a ‘snip surgery’ done that would help open me up. Every single one of them (most of whom are also professing Christians) recoiled in horror and told me how much that would hurt and asked why in the world I would ever do that. My answer was simple: he was my husband, I had made marital vows to him (to have and to hold???), and I had no intention of backing down.

Thankfully the gynecologist said nothing was physically wrong and encouraged me to try a vaginal dilator set. We also booked an appointment with a sex therapist who encouraged the same thing. The dilator set was the worst pain I have ever experienced. I tried them each night after work and would send my husband out of the room because I didn’t want him to see me crying and feel guilty (the therapist encouraged me to let him stay so I did after that).

It took over a month of trying, but yesterday we were able to have sex for the first time. Our marriage is definitely stronger for the initial struggles,and I have so much respect for my husband who was always so sweet, supportive, and patient through the whole thing.  It never occurred to me that i had an option other than trying all these things because as a married person, I had responsibilities…simple as that. My husband and I have a lot of work left to do on our sexual relationship (although i’m not sure if a couple ever stops learning in that area!), but we are both very happy to be past that initial hurdle. God is good!”

What a powerful story of faith and commitment to marriage! It is often said that our faith is revealed not in the good times, but in the bad times and this story is no exception to that rule.

This story starts off with a young newlywed couple unable to consummate their marriage on their wedding night. How frustrating that must have been for both of them!

This young bride was an example for all Christian wives

First she recognized that even though they could not have intercourse, she needed to take care of her husband’s sexual needs in other ways. Bravo! So many Christian women would have quit there and told their new husband he would just have to wait – or he could go take care of himself. Her compassion for husband’s needs – despite her own frustrations is to be commended.

Secondly is the fact that she recognized that this was HER problem, not his. So many women jump to blaming their husbands when they have any type of difficulty in the bedroom. While sometimes it may be an issue of foreplay on the husband’s part, often times it may be physical or mental conditions on the part of the wife and she has a duty as wife to seek out medical or psychological help for herself. This young bride did just that. She saw a doctor and a therapist and fought through the pain to get herself to the point where she could have vaginal intercourse with her husband.

This young husband was an example for all Christian husbands

The young husband in this case is also a model for us as believing husbands. Contrary to all the slanderous statements that have been thrown my way – I do not believe a husband should ever force himself upon his wife. A loving husband who sees his wife is in pain will not want to cause her more pain.

This husband demonstrated love and compassion for his wife and waited until she was ready – a very admirable thing to do in this scenario. Yes I am sure his wife continued to help him out using manual or oral methods (as she should have). But as any man or woman can attest to, there is no sex like sexual intercourse. It is the most intimate and physical joining of a man and woman in marriage. When the Bible speaks of a husband and wife becoming “one flesh” in marriage, while it has spiritual and emotional implications – it’s most literal meaning is their bodies merging as one during the act of sexual intercourse.

Vaginismus – the cause of Anna’s pain

The condition that caused Anna not to be able to have sexual intercourse with her husband is called “Vaginismus” and this is what healthyplace.com says about it:

“Vaginismus is an involuntary spasm of the muscles surrounding the vaginal opening which occurs whenever an attempt is made to penetrate the vagina…

What causes this to occur? In most cases, this is not due to a physical deformity or disorder. Instead, it is an emotional condition that occurs because of psychological reasons but manifests itself in a physical response. The majority of women with vaginismus believe that intercourse will be very painful; often thinking that their vagina is too small to accommodate the penis and therefore, their vagina will be ripped or stretched too far. Consequently, they develop a phobic response to the penis; associating it with pain. Other women have indeed experienced some type of trauma to the vagina or genital region, such as rape, sexual abuse, or surgery, which then leads to a fear of intercourse. And, unfortunately, for some women, it is their first pelvic examination that causes them to be fearful. Lack of sensitivity on the physician’s part, or neglecting to adequately inform the patient what she can expect, has sometimes contributed to the pelvic exam being a negative experience for women; causing them to fear sexual intercourse….

However, in a small number of cases, physical factors (such as the presence of a rigid hymen, or deformities of the vagina) can make penetration of the vagina impossible. Additionally, although physical conditions, such as endometriosis, vaginal infections, or an episiotomy are not directly responsible for a woman experiencing vaginismus, they may, through association, contribute to vaginismus indirectly through conditioning. What this means is if a woman experiences pain upon intercourse, or with a pelvic exam, this may lead to a self-protecting tightening of the vaginal muscles the next time she attempts to have intercourse…

Treatment for vaginismus consists of a combination of relaxation training and various behavioral exercises in helping the woman overcome her fear of intercourse. The husband or partner’s participation in treatment and his emotional support are considered very important to the success of treatment. Sometimes, in addition to the above treatments, individual and/or couples therapy is recommended as well.”

http://www.healthyplace.com/sex/female-sexual-dysfunction/vaginismus-women-who-cant-have-intercourse/

Another site dealing with Vaginal Dilators (which helped Anna) states this:

“Together with appropriate exercises, as women consciously and consistently squeeze and relax the PC muscles with dilator insertions, they learn how to override the involuntary muscle contractions that had previously caused tightness or closed the entrance to the vagina to sex. The process helps create new ‘muscle memories’. Through the proper use of dilators, women can more easily develop control over involuntary tightness and simultaneously desensitize their vaginal muscles, body and mind to the sensation of having something in their vagina. This is all done as transition preparation for inserting the “real thing” (i.e. the man’s penis) without pain or tightness. Together with appropriate exercises, they help women retrain their bodies to respond correctly to penetration and to transition to fully pain-free intercourse.”

https://www.vaginismus.com/faqs/dilator-questions/vaginal-dilators-treating-vaginismus

A National Institutes of Health study revealed there is no clinical difference between dyspareunia and vaginismus.

Vaginismus and dyspareunia: is there a difference in clinical presentation?

The purpose of this exploratory study was to identify clinical similarities and differences in patients with vaginismus and dyspareunia. Thirty patients who were referred to an outpatient clinic for psychosomatic gynecology and sexology, with either of these two diagnoses, were investigated by means of a standardized interview, physical examination and self-rating questionnaires. Based on the interview, no significant differences were demonstrated between patients with vaginismus and dyspareunia, in the ability to insert a finger into the vagina or to have a gynecological examination. No differences were found in the reported level of pain during coitus (or attempted coitus), inserting one finger into the vagina, or during gynecological examination. Patients with vaginismus, however, more often reported that coitus was impossible. The physical examination and self-rating questionnaires showed no differences at all between patients with vaginismus and dyspareunia in palpated vaginal muscular tension and reported anxiety or tension during the examination. Moreover, in both groups redness and painful areas on the vulva were equally common. Redness and pain on the same location were more frequently present in the dyspareunia group. Patients with dyspareunia reported higher levels of pain during the examination. In conclusion, neither the interview nor the physical examination produced useful criteria to distinguish vaginismus from dyspareunia. A multi-axial description of these syndromes is suggested, rather than viewing them as two separate disorders.”

http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/11076336

Beyond the above basic classifications, physicians and specialists may use other medical terms referring to vaginismus such as:

Apareunia

Apareunia is a general term that refers to a condition where one is unable to have sexual intercourse. Vaginismus is one type of apareunia (if it is completely preventing penetrative intercourse).

Dyspareunia

Dyspareunia is a general term that refers to a condition where there is pain during sexual intercourse. Vaginismus is considered to be one type of dyspareunia, but is closely associated with all types of sexual pain.

https://www.vaginismus.com/faqs/vaginismus-questions/primary-and-secondary-vaginismus-differences

How Anna cured her Vaginismus(Apareunia)

Anna rightly gave all the praise to God for curing her Vaginismus. But in truth she does deserve some credit for taking aggressive action and enduring the mental and physical pain and discomfort to get herself to the place where she could finally have vaginal sex with her husband. God can miraculously heal people – he does it all the time without a doctor touching a person. But God directed Anna to see a doctor and a sex therapist and I think that as we can see that was his will for her and he worked through these people to help Anna. We need to realize as believers that God has gifted medical professionals and counselors to be able to help us if we will seek the help.

There are many other posts online and in medical journals about Vaginismus. But from these and many others we can see that more often than not Vaginismus is not usually caused by a physical deformity of the vagina.

What is most often the case is a woman’s fear based upon bad memories of doctor’s exams, her upbringing about sex, sexual abuse or just a phobia of anything being inserted into her vagina. So her body reacts in what seems to be an involuntary way with muscle contractions that close off the vagina and protect it from penetration.

This is why often it takes a combination of counseling and perhaps a vaginal dilator as Anna used to help train her mind and muscles to allow things – including the most important thing of all – her husband’s penis – to be inserted into her vagina.

Vaginismus reveals major differences between men and women in regard to sex

But what I think this reveals about women that is so different from men is – for a woman her mind, even her unconscious mind and her unconscious fears have a huge impact not only her ability to enjoy sex, but even on her ability to have sexual intercourse at all!

I am sure that on a conscious level Anna wanted nothing more than have sex with her husband on her wedding night. She may have had NO conscious fears about doing this. But on some unconscious level her mind and her body were fearful of penetration. She had to train her mind and body to think differently about sex.

How many women today who do not face Vaginismus still need to have their mind and body conditioned to think differently about sex? How many women would enjoy sex better with their husbands if they could only let go of what is holding them back? How many women would benefit from the counseling Anna sought?

Men can learn from this story too

Just because this story is from the perspective of wife having a sexual dysfunction does not mean we as men cannot learn from this as well. For men ED (erectile dysfunction) would be closest equivalent to a woman having Vaginismus except for the pain. Men certainly experience emotional pain from ED, but not the physical pain women experience from Vaginismus.

But for us as men – ED is usually more physically based than emotionally based. While it is true that some men cannot achieve erections due to issues in the marriage, or issues from their childhood most of the time it is a physical issue and matter of blood flow. Thankfully today there are kinds of treatments for ED and we as Christian husbands have the same obligation to our wives as Anna felt to her husband to seek treatment to help our ED. We can’t just give up and throw in the towel.

What if the pain could not be stopped?

But let’s face it – not every story of Vaginismus has a happy ending like this one did.   What if the cause was a physical issue that could not be repaired or changed? What if we were living a century ago without the help of modern medicine and counseling?

So these are the questions I leave for Christian wives reading this:

What if you had this kind of painful intercourse and there was nothing there was not medical or psychological help for you – Would you still have intercourse with you husband?

If sex is not mutually pleasurable for both the man and the woman should it sex cease in a marriage?

Maybe you don’t have Vaginismus – but would you stop having sex with your husband over other kinds of pain?

Should a wife always tell her husband when she has painful intercourse or are there times a wife should not reveal this to her husband?

And finally the question that is title of the article – How much pain would you endure to have sex with your husband?

I look forward to your answers and comments.

Photo Source: Rachel Titiriga https://www.flickr.com/photos/pocait/3589329865/in/photolist-qwXWfH-7P8Fkm-de5gm-cq89q3-8xbjPZ-H6k7k-cUqief-tbeUF-hgPux-gJ4e-gHZV-i2mh-66njL4-7PwRd2-8DkJho-gHYr-gNo1-gJ3N-pZDMzS-4LLfEM-6tbfHF-gJ4D-gKBM-gJ1j-gHYu-gJ4o-oxurem-52mEJW-4NcLTb-eqQG7N-mpALdt-gNjE-gHYL-6MRpy2-gNmH-gNkZ-epUmSR-epUhFa-rq2jDu-brKSri-gNnK-gHZw-gHZr-865s9A-5oRUGd-atspmj-hwymEm-4QYU4k-4VrBru-tvHqxb
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