Before I get into the 12 required attributes of marital love, I want to talk about the two types of love which can exist within marriage. Both types of love are good to have in a marriage, but only one can form the lasting foundation for marriage, while the other may come and go.
The Bible speaks of three types of love in the context of marriage:
Sexual love(Eros) – This is a love based on sexual attraction. It is the initial driving force for most men seeking out women for marriage. A woman may be sexually attracted to a man as well before marriage or she may grow to be sexually attracted to him after marriage. The Bible has entire book dedicated to this type of love, the Song of Solomon.
Emotional, or Friendship love(Phileo) – This is love based on either romantic feelings between a man and woman, feelings of infatuation, or love that is based on common interests. This kind of love is almost 100% based on how much each person puts into the relationship, whether it is a same sex friendship, a dating relationship, or a marriage.
Choice love(Agape) – This love is not based on feelings toward one’s spouse, and it is not based on sexual attraction toward one’s spouse. Instead it is based in the choice a person made when they entered into a covenant of marriage with their spouse. In choosing to enter into that covenant, they have committed to performing certain actions toward their spouse regardless of their feelings or sexual attraction at any given future time. This is why in addition to calling Agape a “choice love”, it is also a “commitment love” and an “action love”.
In the context of marriage, when you made your wedding vows and vowed to love your spouse in good times and in bad, in sickness and health, till death do you part – you were vowing to love them with Agape love(choice love, apart from feelings). You probably were motivated to vow Agape love to them out of the Philia love you had which is based on feelings of friendship and romance.
Philia love is not bad, but it can become bad if that is the only foundation for a marriage, for it will not always be there. It comes and goes. But Agape is always there, because it is not based on feelings, but a commitment made to God.
The foundation of marital love is not Philia (friendship or romantic) love
I say all this as to say that the 12 attributes of marital love I am going to talk about are based in Agape love(choice love), and not feelings. We do things whether our spouse makes us feel loved or not. We do these things whether we are fond of our spouse at a given moment or not.
Biblically speaking marriage is defined as the union of a man and woman who make a covenant before God to fulfill their God given duties to one another in marriage. One of the duties God calls them to is to have marital love toward one another. In many ways marital love is not much different than any other love we should have for our friends, family or for the general population of the world around us. After sharing this list though, I will point out some of the features that distinguish marital love from all other types of love.
BIBLICAL MARITAL AGAPE LOVE IS…
- GIVING my body to my spouse to meet their sexual needs.
- PATIENCE toward my spouse in regard to their faults.
- KINDNESS toward my spouse in words and actions. It is kindness in caring for the physical needs of my spouse whether in taking care of them when they are sick, making sure they are feed, or meeting their sexual needs.
- SACRIFICING my own well-being for the sake of my spouse’s well-being.
- HONORING my spouse’s God given gender role in our marriage.
- FORGIVING my spouse for the offenses they commit against me.
- TRUTHFUL with my spouse. This does not mean brutal honesty – you know the old line “do I look fat in this dress?”. It does not mean we have to say every thought that comes into our mind, or how we feel about every given situation. But what it does mean is not telling lies to hide our sin from our spouse. It also means that sometimes we have to do as the Bible says and “speak the truth in love” to our spouse when we believe they are acting sinfully, as love does not rejoice in evil.
- PROTECTING my spouse’s person and reputation.
- TRUSTING that my spouse has my best interests at heart and in the absence of evidence to the contrary believing what my spouse tells me about events that may have occurred.
- HOPING in my spouse’s abilities, even when they seem to lack in a certain area. It always keeps hope that they will succeed or that they will improve. This is an encouraging type of hope that encourages our spouse in whatever they set out to do.
- ENDURING through arguments or disagreements, health problems and physical changes to mine or my spouse’s body. It endures through job loss, economic status changes or changes in housing.
- CONSTANT, because it is based on a conscious life choice, and not upon my feelings towards my spouse at any given moment.
The twelve actions of marital love I have just stated are all clearly supported in the Scriptures I will show below.
Today we have all kinds of marriage books, both Christian and non-Christian alike trying to define what Biblical love is, especially as it relates to marriage. While some of them point to these very same passages I will reference, often times they either leave out parts of the Biblical definition of marital love, or more often than not they add a lot of things the Bible does not.
I think that any of us reading this list, if we are honest with ourselves will see it as very convicting. We will be convicted even more so when we read it from the very Word of God. I can see my own failures to live up to this high standard God has for marital love.
But God understands we are sinful beings and that we are but dust. What he asks of me and you is that we aspire to these principles, to grow and better ourselves according to standard he has set, not the standards of our ungodly world. When we fail to meet these standards, he asks us to humble ourselves, and ask his forgiveness, as well as our spouse if we have failed them in any of these principles.
One other thing I want to mention, I am not saying the above list is an exhaustive list of all the Biblical duties involved in marriage, because it is not. This is the Biblical definition of the love we are required to have, love as a set of attitudes and actions that should flow through all the other duties of marriage that I have not mentioned here.
Biblical references that form the foundation for the twelve actions of marital love
4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. 8 Love never fails…
I Corinthians 13:4-8(NIV)
The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. 4 The wife does not have authority over her own body but yields it to her husband. In the same way, the husband does not have authority over his own body but yields it to his wife. 5 Do not deprive each other except perhaps by mutual consent and for a time…
I Corinthians 7:3-5(NIV)
25 Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it; 26 That he might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word,
27 That he might present it to himself a glorious church, not having spot, or wrinkle, or any such thing; but that it should be holy and without blemish.
28 So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself. 29 For no man ever yet hated his own flesh; but nourisheth and cherisheth it, even as the Lord the church: 30 For we are members of his body, of his flesh, and of his bones.31 For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall be joined unto his wife, and they two shall be one flesh.
32 This is a great mystery: but I speak concerning Christ and the church.
33 Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife see that she reverence her husband.
Ephesians 5:25-33(KJV)
Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honour unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered.
I Peter 3:7(KJV)
So what distinguishes marital love from other types of love?
If you were to look at many of the attributes of love I gave – especially the ones based on I Corinthians 13:4-8 you could easily see that many of these attributes apply to other relationships besides marriage. They could apply to friendships or even the parent-child relationship. But here I am trying to apply I Corinthians 13:4-8, a passage not specifically about marital love, to marriage because God calls for agape love in marriage.
“34 Hearing that Jesus had silenced the Sadducees, the Pharisees got together. 35 One of them, an expert in the law, tested him with this question: 36 “Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the Law?”
37 Jesus replied: “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’ 38 This is the first and greatest commandment. 39 And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ 40 All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments.”
Matthew 22:37-39(NIV)
The reason I bring up Matthew 22, is because the concept of a man loving his wife as he loves himself is not new, or even exclusive to marital love. As Christians, we are to love all people around us, as we love ourselves.
The key in understanding the distinctiveness of marital love is found in Ephesians chapter 5.
“29 For no man ever yet hated his own flesh; but nourisheth and cherisheth it, even as the Lord the church”
There are two key words in verse 29 that help us begin to distinguish the love God want’s between a husband and wife, and all other types of love. The Greek word Ektrepho here translated in English as “nourish” here has to do with “feeding to bring to maturity”. The second Greek word Thalpo translated as “cherisheth” originally referred to a mother bird “keeping warm” her eggs as she sat on them. This Greek word later came to mean “foster with tender care”, but it has the same idea.
So in its most literal sense Ephesians 5:29 is saying that just as mother bird warms her eggs and then feeds her babies and brings them to maturity this is like what Christ does for his church in caring for her physical and spiritual needs and bringing her to maturity.
When taken in the complete context of Ephesians 5, just as Christ brings the church to spiritual maturity and tenderly cares for her spiritual and physical needs, so too husbands are to care for the physical and spiritual needs of their wives and bring them to spiritual maturity.
But this is only the first part of the distinctiveness of marital love found in Ephesians 5, the most profound distinctive characteristic of marital love is found in verse 31:
“For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall be joined unto his wife, and they two shall be one flesh.”
The physical union of a man to his wife, the sexual union, is the most distinguishing characteristic of marital love. This is why often times, sex is referred to as the “the act of marriage”.
Think about it – go through all twelve points I list above and you could have all but one of those with a friend who is the same sex. Even the honoring portion, while it would apply differently in marriage, than in friendship, can also apply to friendship.
The one point that exists only within marital love is the giving of the body that takes place between a husband and a wife within marriage.
But just as with loving our neighbor as our self, so too the “one flesh” proposition can occur outside of marriage:
“What? know ye not that he which is joined to an harlot is one body? for two, saith he, shall be one flesh. “
I Corinthians 6:16(KJV)
Right now I realize some of you are scratching your heads. How can “one flesh” occur in marriage and also outside of marriage between a man and a prostitute?
The answer is simple – “one flesh” in it’s most literal sense refers to one thing that both a man and his wife can do, and a man a prostitute can do, and that is have sexual intercourse. Now does the Bible’s “one flesh” principle extend beyond the physical act of sexual relations? I believe the answer is yes according to the words of Christ.
“4 And he answered and said unto them, Have ye not read, that he which made them at the beginning made them male and female, 5 And said, For this cause shall a man leave father and mother, and shall cleave to his wife: and they twain shall be one flesh?
6 Wherefore they are no more twain, but one flesh. What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder.”
Matthew 19:4-6 (KJV)
The key phrase in Christ’s statement on marriage is “Wherefore they are no more twain, but one flesh”. Once a man and woman marry – God looks at them as single unit that should never be separated by man aside for a few exceptions that God gives.
In marriage a man and woman should be united on all three levels – spiritually, emotionally and physically.
Now all Christians and even many non-Christians would agree with the statement I just said above about the need for a husband and wife to be united on all these levels in marriage. But the disagreement comes in HOW a man and woman are to be united in these three ways.
How can a man and woman truly be one in marriage?
We see it all the time with engaged couples or newly weds. They seem to be so united and so in sync with one another. They often finish each others sentences and they rarely if ever fight. But for anyone who has been married for long length of time we can all tell you that the unity of marriage when the relationship is new is based on one thing and one thing alone folks – good old fashion hormones.
It is kind of humorous to see this with newlyweds. Often times newlyweds are insistent that their unity will never change – and that it will be exactly as it is when their marriage is new for the rest of the marriage. I have to hold back the chuckles every time I hear a newlywed couple say this with such sincerity in their hearts. I said this before and I will say it again – new love between a man and a woman is an emotionally and hormonally driven love which produces a type of temporary insanity especially in men.
After a time whether it be six months or a year this hormonally based love eventually comes to an end and the real mature and lasting love in marriage can begin to be built.
The world and even many Christian teachers today will tell you that unity and oneness in marriage comes down to one word and that word is compromise. They say a husband and wife must talk out each life issue whether it be about what church the couple will attend, their career ambitions, how they will raise their children, finances or other important areas of life and compromise on their differences and come to a consensus. There is no leader and no follower in this type of union, but it is instead a partnership of equals.
The Bible however presents a very different way in which a husband and a wife are to become one in marriage.
“23 For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the saviour of the body. 24 Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing.”
Ephesians 5:23-24 (KJV)
In Biblical marriage the way a man and wife become one is the same way the church becomes one with Christ. He leads and she follows. As Church is mold itself around the wishes and leadership of Christ so too a wife is to mold herself to the wishes and leading of her husband.
So while the world and many Christian teachers today teach that compromise is the key to unity and oneness in marriage – the Bible teaches that conformity rather than compromise is the key to oneness in marriage. In Christian marriage – the man conforms his will to God’s will and the wife conforms her will to her husband’s will.
Sadly many Christian marriages today are built on compromise rather than conformity and the truth is that men and women are equally to blame for this sad state of affairs. Women are to blame because they emotionally badger their husbands into compromising with them on important affairs of the home even when he believes God would have their family do things differently. Men on the other hand are to blame for not standing up as men of God and choosing to conform to the will of God rather than compromise what they know to be right for the sake of peace with their wives.
I am not saying that a husband cannot hear advice from his wife and take it. Or that marriage erases a woman’s unique identity because it does not. God made all of us as individuals unique and he even made each one of his local churches unique. No two people or two churches are exactly alike. But when it comes to the important matters of life especially in the areas of faith, child rearing and teaching and finances a wife is to mold herself to the pattern of her husband. I will talk more about the Biblical concept of marital unity in another post.
Summary of what Biblical Marital Love is
Just like other types of Biblical love, the truest form of love is one that is based on choice and actions, not on feelings and instincts.
I don’t just have to be kind to my wife when I feel like it, I should be kind to my wife even when I don’t feel like it. My wife needs to be patient with me and trust me even when she does not feel like being patient with me and trusting me.
The Biblical marital love that husbands and wives are supposed to have, and the love we are to have toward friends, family and even strangers have many common attributes.
But Biblical marital love is distinct from all other loves in that it calls on a husband and wife to model their love for one another after the love between Christ and his church. The wife places her dependence upon her husband for her nourishment and protection in the same way that the Church places her dependence on Christ for her nourishment and protection.
The husband should care for the spiritual and physical needs of his wife, and tenderly care for and protect her the way Christ does the Church.
The husband and wife should have sex regularly and often, not only to meet one another’s physical needs and avoid temptation, but they must also realize that their physical union in sex is the most distinctive and most defining act of marital love.
One last note I want to add here about sexuality in marriage. Just like all of the other points of marital love, sexual relations in marriage should never be dependent on feelings at any given time. The Bible is crystal clear that they are to be regular and often, except for a short time by mutual consent.
While it is nice to do things for our spouse (whether it is husbands for wives, or wives for husbands), sex in marriage should never EVER have to be earned. The moment a husband and wife say “I do” it becomes mandatory.
This is not always a husband wanting from a wife thing either. I know of a newly wed married couple, a young couple, where the husband would rather play video games or do things with his friends than have sex with his wife and this should never be the case. The Bible sees sex as the distinctive symbol of the marriage relationship, and it is to happen regularly and often, whether the husband or wife feels like it.
Some might say this feels like a very dry and unemotional type of love the Bible calls us to, but the reality is God knows something we often forget. When you do the right thing, even when you don’t feel like it, often times the feelings will follow sooner or later. But on the flip side, if you only practice these actions required for marital love when feel like it, the love in your marriage will soon die. Feelings don’t last, commitments and choices can and do last.
And finally while the sexual part of the one flesh relationship is an indispensable part of marriage a husband and wife should be united not only in physical relations but also spiritually and emotionally and we previously mentioned. This unity in marriage is accomplished not by compromise between a husband and wife, but rather by conformity of the husband to the will of God and the conformity of the wife to the will of her husband.
This post was edited and updated with new content(the sections about unity and oneness in marriage) on 8/2/2016.
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Please explain surrendering. I understand a wife submitting and surrendering herself completely to her husband. I am not sure I understand it on the husbands part. Maybe I am not sure the difference of submission and surrendering. A husband is the head, the master in a sense, so how does he surrender to his wife?
D,
That was a good catch. From time to time I need to go back and make edits to my post and your comment has prompted an edit. This is one of the reasons I like writing things, the discussing them and sometimes I can go back reword things to be consistent with what I think is the worldview of the Bible. The word surrender was incorrect as surrender as to do with submission to an authority. Like when one general or a king surrenders his army or country to another he is acknowledging their authority over him and his people.
We are called as Christians to surrender our wills to God – and this is because God is our authority. A wife is called to surrender her will to her husband because he is her authority.
With that being said I have changed SURRENDER in the article to GIVING as in below:
This article on marital love was attempting to view love from a generic sense instead of being gender specific as I usually am. So I think for the purposes of this article “GIVING” is a a much better description as that can apply to one in authority and one under authority. A King can GIVE things to his subjects and his subjects can GIVE things to their King.
D,
One other thing – I also described the giving of one’s body to their spouse in these terms in different post:
In my post “7 Reasons God Made Sex”(https://biblicalgenderroles.com/2015/02/10/the-7-reasons-why-god-made-sex/) I gave these 7 Reasons that God made sex:
So while in this article on martial love I use the word “giving” because it could be used in a gender neutral way, when I speak in gender specific terms about a husband and wife’s duty to each other in the sexual arena I use “sacrifice” for husband as husbands are called to sacrifice themselves for their wives and I use “submission” for wives as wives are called to submit to their husbands.
Thank you. I read your posts over and over because I feel each time I learn something new, something I didn’t get from the previous readings. I learn so much from your site and am grateful. I read the reasons God made sex numerous times but the part about sacrifice and submission has more meaning to me now after reading your response to my question. It is something I feel all wives need to understand. Husbands sacrifice so much for us, it is our duty really to submit to them and honor them and show them how grateful we are by giving ourselves so completely and freely to them. Thank you again for what you do.
I am sure negative comments will follow! But husbands make so many sacrifices. I have many memories of the sacrifices my own husband has made for me, for our family.
It’s good to see that you update your material as you gain knowledge, experience and wisdom. On that note, I respectfully suggest a correction in the 6th paragraph, “Philia love is not bad, but it cannot become bad if that is the only foundation for a marriage, for it will not always be there.” I think that should read “…but it can become bad…”
Great article. I check your blog almost daily for new material as well as review your earlier work. Thank you for your continuing efforts.
Just Some Guy,
Thanks for the correction – I have made it. I wish I could say I add new material each day but since this is a ministry I work on after my day job and spending time with my family I don’t have as much time as I would like. I would love to do this full time and perhaps in my retirement some day I will be able to. Right now I try and answer emails and comments on almost a daily basis while working a little on posts each day – but I usually a post once or perhaps twice a week. Thank you though for your encouraging words.
Hey, BGR! This seems to be the best post to ask this question on. I was wondering if you had any thoughts on how husbands should deal with wives who are dealing with mental illness or other similar problems like addiction and how wives should best support husbands with similar issues. I’ve especially been wondering how wives can be properly submissive and respectful while offering support and encouraging their husbands to get help, especially if the husband is opposed to getting any kind of counseling or treatment.
Alex,
Let me first tackle the wife submitting to a husband who has problems with mental illness or addiction.
Here are principles that should guide every Christian woman in handling these tough situations with husbands:
Biblical Principle #1 – The Christ and the Church Principle
As we know from the Scriptures(Ephesians 5:22-33) marriage is to be a symbol of the relationship of God to his people, Christ and his church where the husband symbolizes God and the wife symbolizing mankind. Just as mankind is to submit to God in everything, so too a woman should submit to her husband in everything.
Biblical Principle #2 – The “Abigail” exception clause
Because husbands are not perfect and sinless like God a wife may not always be able to do everything her husband asks her to do.
If he asks her to rob a bank or murder someone she cannot submit to him in these requests. In the Bible we have a demonstration of a wife name Abigail(1 Samuel 25) who went against her husband Nabal’s wishes in order to save her husband and her whole household from being slaughtered because of his evil behavior. God blessed her intervening on her husband’s behalf. Eventually he killed her husband allowing King David to come and take her as another one of his wives.
So I think a Christian woman needs to practice both these principles. If her husband is mentally ill or has various addictions as long as the actions of his mental illness do not risk mortal danger to himself or her and the children then she needs to submit to him and reverence his position even if she may not always agree with him. But if his actions risk mortal danger to himself, her or her children then she must act and do what is right to save herself and her family. Sometimes if a husband is causing great physical harm(such as physically abusing his wife and children) or he is putting them in danger(such as with an illicit drug addiction and all the danger that goes with that) a wife may have to separate from him and take the children to keep herself and them from grave harm.
In applying both these Biblical principles I have mentioned – we must guard against extremes on both sides. On one side we have some Christians who teach that a wife must submit even to sinful requests or to behavior that places her or her children in grave bodily harm. On the other side we have the extreme of people who teach that if a husband is not leading a righteous life then a wife does not have to submit to her husband at all. Both these extremes are unbiblical.
If I had to say which one is abused more in our modern time – I would say it is the “Abigail” exception clause to a wife’s submission. Many Christian women find every excuse they can today to not submit to their husbands. Even if a husband has mental illness or addictions – that alone does not negate a wife’s duty to reverence her husband’s position and submit to him. It is only if his mental illness or addiction leads to things like him failing to provide for the family, physically abusing the family, failing to provide sexual relations to his wife or putting the family in physical danger that a wife has the right to take actions to protect herself and her children.
What that means practically is this. I read many articles and received many emails from women who believe they have the right to sexually deny their husbands or even leave their husbands for having porn addictions. A porn addiction in and of itself does not justify such behavior on the part of a Christian wife. It is only if he sins AS A RESULT of his porn addiction in certain ways that she may then have justification to take drastic actions. For instance if his porn addiction causes him to fail to provide for his family or causes him to stop wanting to have sex with her she may have a case. But if he is properly providing for his family, giving her regular sexual access to his body then even though his porn addiction may be troublesome to her she must leave that in God’s hands.
The same could be said for alcoholics. Some alcoholics are actually functional. They don’t drink and drive. They don’t drink at their jobs and they work and lead normal lives. But during their free time on the weekends or late in evenings they may over-indulge and thus be considered alcoholics. If an alcoholic man is not abusing his wife and children, failing to provide for them, or failing to provide his wife with sexual access to him then as bothersome as his addiction to alcohol is she must leave this in God’s hands. The same could be said for mental illness – if it is not impacting a husbands ability to provide for his family, not placing them in danger, and not impacting his ability to give his wife sexual access to his body then she needs to leave this in God’s hands.
When I say “leave this in God’s hands” I am not saying a wife cannot in a loving and respectful way bring things to her husband’s attention. But she must realize God does not want her to nag her husband. She is not his mother, she is his wife. She is not the Holy Spirit for husband(as some falsely teach today).
I will answer the issue of wives in a separate comment since this one got so big.
@BGR,
Thanks for the detailed response. I’m guessing that it’s also okay for a wife to call for outside help if her husband becomes suicidal? Like calling 911 if he’s in the midst of an attempt or reaching out to a pastor or mentor if he keeps talking about killing himself?
Alex,
Now that I addressed the issue of wives dealing with husbands that have mental illness or addiction I will try and address husband’s dealing with wives that have mental illness or addictions.
What I am about to share with you here I have shared before in some other comments and posts and I only do so because I am anonymous. I would not reveal these things about my wife if people knew who I was and this is one of the many reasons I am anonymous so I can share real experiences from my own marriage.
With that being said – my wife was in severe car accident several years back. This accident could have killed her, but instead thankfully God spared her life. However the accident left her a great deal of chronic pain for which she has to have surgeries each year. She is on many different types of pain medication. While she did have period struggles with anxiety and depression the accident increased her mental illness 10 fold. Now she had frequent bouts several times a year with suicidal depression. She sees a counselor and regular changes to her medications are often needed. Also not long after the car accident because of her severe pain she became addicted to pain medications. I realized this and had to take action by removing all her medications and putting them in a lock box where I distribute them to her each day.
So I say all this to say I know first hand what it is like as a Christian husband to have to deal with a wife with physical and mental disabilities as well as addictions. My wife also suffered from some abusive situations with her first husband and some other men that has somewhat warped her view of sex which has caused other challenges in our marriage.
So how should a husband handle these types of situations with his wife? These are Biblical principles that I try to follow(but many times fail at because I am sinner like every other husband):
Biblical Principle #1 – A husband is to sacrifice himself for his wife’s holiness
Again just like a wife – a husband must always reflect on the fact that his marriage to his wife is to reflect the relationship of Christ to his Church(Ephesians 5:22-33). However husband’s role in this symbolism is very different than his wife’s role. While a wife’s primary duty in fulfilling her role is to reverence and submit to her husband, his primary duty is to love his wife by sacrificing himself for the holiness of his wife.
Biblical Principle #2 – A husband is to provide for his wife
In the context of a husband having a wife that suffers from mental illness or problems with addiction a husband needs to provide his wife with professional counseling to make sure she gets the help she needs for her mental illness. If she has an addiction then he should take active measures to try and get her into a drug treatment program.
Biblical Principle #3 – A husband may need to protect his wife from herself
Again speaking in the context of a husband dealing with a wife with mental illness or addiction issues a husband may have to take measures to protect his wife from herself. One of the ways I do this with my wife who sometimes suffers from suicidal depression and addiction to pain medications is I keep my gun and her medications locked in a safe that only I have the combination to.
Biblical Principle #4 – Husbands are not God – so we are limited in how much we can affect change in our wives
While I believe we as Christian husbands have an absolute Biblical responsibility to discipline our wives in order to bring them to holiness there is only so much we can do. At a certain point after we have exhausted all measures and our wives remain in rebellion against God’s will for their lives we must then leave them in God’s hands.
I also believe though that there are some things we as husbands can and should live with and other things were we may have to take drastic measures. As with a wife dealing with these kinds of situations – if our wife’s mental illness or addictions put us as men or our children in danger of great bodily harm then we may have to separate from our wife.
Alex,
Your Question:
Absolutely I think it is OK and actually the right thing for a wife to do if her husband was going to try and kill himself.
Thank you for yet another detailed and helpful response. Also, thank you for sharing your own experiences here. I can’t imagine going through what you and your wife went through–the only people whom I’ve been close to who have dealt with severe mental illness are friends, and while I did end up being the person who had to intervene when one attempted suicide, I did not have to live with them and support them on a daily basis as you had to for your wife–but I know that those experiences are unfortunately common for people who live with chronic pain. I hope that your advice will help men who are living in that situation. Your advice for wives was also very much appreciated. Fortunately, my husband has generally good mental health, but my experiences with friends have made me contemplate what course of action I could/should take of a situation like that ever came up in my marriage.
So what happens when an older couple love one another and have all the qualities for marriage except one of the two has grown to have absolutely zero sexual attraction to the other in addition to physical changes naturally ocurring in age that make imtimacy very unpleasant?
Lorretta,
While our bodies may change in ways that make us less attractive as we age we should do our best to maintain ourselves. In some extreme cases physical intimacy may require a dimming of the lights. But God wants physical intimacy to occur in marriage as often as it can – they may look different in different marriages but it should not come to end even in old age.
That all sounds so spiritual and fancy and nice but what is a woman supose to do if her husband yells screams puts her down breaks her things puts holes in the walls of your brand new home….neglects her physical and emotional needs….ignore her and so much more……..then when she’s had enough after 7 yrs of marriage throws the biblical aspect of love at her and tells her she never respected him made love to him….very discouraged here
“Women are to blame because they emotionally badger their husbands into compromising with them on important affairs of the home even when he believes God would have their family do things differently. Men on the other hand are to blame for not standing up as men of God and choosing to conform to the will of God rather than compromise what they know to be right for the sake of peace with their wives.”
Forgive me but this seems to be suggesting that either way the wife is to blame. Women are to blame for nagging their husbands into compromising and husbands are to blame for allowing their wives to nag them into compromising?
This takes the stance that there is no such thing as a good compromise. That the way the husband thinks things ought to be done is always right because he is in authority and the wife is always wrong in how she thinks things ought to be done. Now I don’t think you meant it that way but it still sounds wrong to put it the way you did.
I also realize you stated, “I am not saying that a husband cannot hear advice from his wife and take it.” So I don’t really think you feel that the husband is always right and the wife is always wrong. I just think the way you worded the first statement needs tweaking.
I do believe that compromise can be very helpful in dealing with the important parts of life. My husband and I both believe in discipline for our children but we both don’t have the same ideas as to what is appropriate. If my husband wanted to spank all of our children no matter what they did wrong and I don’t agree and we talk about it and come to a compromise about when it is appropriate to spank or use some other form of discipline then why would that be wrong?
It is obviously not appropriate to spank a child for every wrong choice. If my husband listens to my thoughts on the matter and we compromise and decide to spank for very serious things and then for less serious things we do a time out or take something away how is that bad?
Please I really just want to understand. I don’t nag my husband into things. I talk with him, we talk to each other. He asks my advice on many things. Sometimes we don’t completely agree so we try to find the best way to go about things. I get that he is the head of the home and the authority but we are still a team. We figure things out together. Is that such a bad thing?
Jess,
As I said in the post I don’t think it is wrong for a man to take advise from his wife, whether on moral or non-moral issues. The issue is whether he acts on that advise. God told Abraham to listen to his wife in a particular situation where he held one position and then God told him to do what she was asking. So I might feel a certain way on a moral or spiritual issue and then I hear my wife and we disagree. Then God impresses on my heart that in this particular situation he wants me to follow what she said just as he told Abraham to follow Sarah in a particular instance.
But we as husbands should not compromise with our wives, just to compromise.
We as husbands are tasked to be the moral and spiritual leaders of our homes. If we are fully convinced before God that something is right, and after hearing our wives God keeps us resolute in that position we should not bow to pressure from our wife or compromise in these matters.
So while I personally might agree with your position that not everything a child does warrants a spanking and there might be other means of discipline, your husband may feel that spanking is the only method of discipline you will use with your children. He may feel this strongly before God as your spiritual head and he cannot compromise on this moral position.
Now if something is non-moral – like the color of your kitchen or living room than of course I think husbands should look for compromise with their wives in these areas.
Yes you are companions, and yes you are a team in the sense of how you parent your children. However your husband is like the coach, you are like the team captain and the children are the other players. Should a Coach at least hear suggestions from his team captain? Of course he should. But ultimately the team strategy rests on the Coach’s shoulders.
What I am saying is that I think it is good for husbands and wives to talk and communicate. And often times my wife may have a different perspective on a certain situation and I might actually follow her advise if that is where the Lord leads me. But if I am following her advise just to make her happy, or just to make her feel like I am compromising with her and in the process I compromise what God is impressing on my heart than I as a husband have sinned against God and failed in my leadership responsibilities.
So sexual submission.
Does that include sexual acts that can cause harm (I.e. anal) I understand agreeing to it if both spouses like it but to force your spouse into it or else. Should I submit to that. Honestly… I’m very lost in what sexual acts are biblically okay.
Stephanie,
Anal sex violates “the natural use of the woman” (Romans 1:27) and even medical professionals agree the anus is designed for penetration and presents many healthy risks. For more on the subject of anal sex from a Biblical perspective, see my article entitled Do Christian wives have to submit to requests for anal sex by their husbands?.
But besides anal sex, things like oral sex, manual sex and other non-vaginal intercourse types of sexual activity are allowable.
Sexual acts that occur in marriage don’t come down to “if both spouses like it”. In fact the mutuality of sex Biblicaly speaking is the opposite of our cultures view of mutuality.
Our culture views mutuality in sex as “if both parties consent to engaging in sexual activity then it is good and fine” but God’s concept of mutuality is “Only if a husband and wife mutually agree NOT to engage in a certain sexual activity or sex at all for short period then they can not engage in sexual activity”.
What that means is if one spouse needs sex, the other should render their bodies for sex. And even in sexual acts, if one spouse wants oral sex, the other spouse should comply.
But we must also realize that husbands and wives are not equals. The spiritual authority of the husband applies to the sexual arena. The wife cannot command her husband to have sex or do a certain sexual activity, she can request it. The husband can command his wife to engage in sexual activity as long as that activity does not violate God’s law or the design of the body.
See my recent article “The Politically Incorrect Yet Biblical View of Sex“