Why the Bible Allows Forced Sex in Marriage

Is forced sex in marriage wrong? If you are like most American Christians your gut answer would be YES! Of course, the Bible says it is wrong! Up until very recently I used to think the answer was YES as well. But as God began to peel back my American cultural presuppositions I realized the answer might be something other than what I was comfortable with.

In my last article entitled “It is Not a Woman’s Consent That Matters, It is God’s”, I proved from the Scriptures that God does not allow a woman to say YES to sexual relations to a man she is not married to and he does not allow her to say NO to sexual relations to her husband whom she is married to.

But this raises another question for those Christians who accept that the Bible calls it sin for a woman to sexually refuse her husband. What if a woman does refuse her husband? Can the husband under God’s law physically force himself upon his wife who sinfully resists him?

Here are some answers I have given on this blog in the past. In one of the most popular articles on this blog entitled “8 steps to confront your wife’s sexual refusal” I wrote this:

“I have not, nor would I EVER advocate for a husband to force himself physically upon his wife or to physically abuse her in any fashion. The issue being discussed is how a husband can confront a wife who chronically or willfully denies his sexual rights in marriage without just cause (be it legitimate health or mental conditions). He has the right, both under Biblical law, as well as under American law, to reason with his with his wife and try to convince her to willingly(even if grudgingly) yield herself to him, and thereby fulfilling one her most important duties in Christian marriage.”

And in my article entitled “The Rape Straw Man” I stated:

“Biblically speaking, there is no such thing as “marital rape” – HOWEVER, there is such a thing as physical abuse. While the Bible does not speak specifically to this case of a man forcing himself on his wife, I believe it is a case of physical abuse.

So what others call rape, I call abuse. In the same way that when someone is wrongfully killed it might be first degree murder, second degree murder or man slaughter what we call “physical abuse” and what we call “rape” is dependent on the relationship between the man and woman in question. There is no doubt a wrong has been committed. But what we call it, and how it is punished or dealt with is very different depending on the circumstances.”

My Change in Position on Forced Sex in Marriage

The emergence of the MeToo movement lead me to restudy and reconsider my understanding of what the Bible says about sexual consent. I have been pouring over the Scriptures for the last couple of months really asking God to reveal to me any presuppositions or cultural biases I might have on this subject and I have written many articles related to sexual conduct from a Biblical perspective recently. My last article “It is Not a Woman’s Consent That Matters, It is God’s”, not only traced the wicked origins of modern American sexual consent ideology but more importantly it laid the foundation for a Biblical view of when God consents to a man and woman entering into sexual relations.

Because of what God revealed to me through his Word in that study as of today I am officially changing my position on the issue of forced sex within marriage. My new position is as follows:

Forced sex within marriage by a husband toward his wife is not in and of itself a sin but it can be a sin under certain circumstances. The “Markland Letter” case which I addressed in my article “It is Not a Woman’s Consent That Matters, It is God’s” where the man forced sex on his wife after surgery would be an example of a husband sinfully forcing himself on his wife.

Now a lot of Christians at this point are shutting me down. But I want to encourage you and challenge the view you have been raised with in our culture with what God’s Word actually says on this very controversial subject.

Is All Forced Sex in Marriage Domestic Abuse and Sexual Abuse?

In their article entitled “What does the Bible say about spousal/marital rape?” GotQuestions.org states:

“Spousal or marital rape is a form of domestic violence and sexual abuse. In spousal rape, sex is forced on one spouse by the other. While the Bible does not specifically deal with spousal rape, it has plenty to say about the husband-wife relationship and its representation of Christ and the church (Ephesians 5:32)…

and God never condones rape.”

I want to quickly address the terminology I am using here. I am using the phrase “forced sex” and gotquestions.org is using “marital rape” or just “rape”. The reason I am using the term “forced sex” instead of “rape” is because the term rape in our language and culture not only denotes an action taken, but it also implies a moral condemnation of that action. Calling “forced sex” rape in our language and culture would be like referring to every instance of killing as murder. I am going to speak more to the term “rape” later on in this article.

Biblically speaking all instances of forced sex are not considered rape any more than all instances of killing are considered murder. It is the context which determines if a particular instance of forced sex is rape just as it is the context which determines if a particular killing is murder. The only forced sex the Bible ever condemns is forced sex OUTSIDE of marriage. The Bible actually addresses forced marriage and as a result of marriage forced sex in the book of Deuteronomy.

God Condoned Forced Sex in Marriage

God granted the right of men to take women as one of the many spoils of war as long as they were not one of seven forbidden nations in which everyone was to be killed:

“But the women, and the little ones, and the cattle, and all that is in the city, even all the spoil thereof, shalt thou take unto thyself; and thou shalt eat the spoil of thine enemies, which the Lord thy God hath given thee.”

Deuteronomy 20:14 (KJV)

In the next chapter God details the process by which men could take women as spoils of war:

“10 When thou goest forth to war against thine enemies, and the Lord thy God hath delivered them into thine hands, and thou hast taken them captive, 11 And seest among the captives a beautiful woman, and hast a desire unto her, that thou wouldest have her to thy wife;

12 Then thou shalt bring her home to thine house, and she shall shave her head, and pare her nails;

13 And she shall put the raiment of her captivity from off her, and shall remain in thine house, and bewail her father and her mother a full month: and after that thou shalt go in unto her, and be her husband, and she shall be thy wife.

14 And it shall be, if thou have no delight in her, then thou shalt let her go whither she will; but thou shalt not sell her at all for money, thou shalt not make merchandise of her, because thou hast humbled her.”

Deuteronomy 21:10-14 (KJV)

So in summary God allowed men to take by force women as captives of war. However, unlike the nations around them – they were not allowed to have forced sex right there on the battlefield with their captive women. Instead God had a higher standard. God made the Israelite men wait one month to allow the woman to mourn the death of her loved ones.

Even after the month – the man had to take her as his wife, not simply his sex slave as other nations also did. God commands them “thou shalt go in unto her” which is a euphemism for sex in the Bible. Now some might say “Well that does not say forced sex, it just says sex” and that is absolutely true. A man “going in unto a woman” does not denote whether it was forced or not. However there is a key phrase at the end of this passage that DOES indicate forced sex: “because thou hast humbled her”.

God’s Definition of Rape

There are many euphemisms for sex in the Bible. Men “knew” their wives, they “lay” with their wives and as we can see here they “went in unto” their wives. However there is another euphemism for sex in the Bible that specifically denotes “forced sex” and that is the “humbling” of a woman by a man.

This same phrase is used when speaking of actions the Bible actually considers to be rape (as opposed to our modern understanding that all forced sex is rape):

“23 If a damsel that is a virgin be betrothed unto an husband, and a man find her in the city, and lie with her; 24 Then ye shall bring them both out unto the gate of that city, and ye shall stone them with stones that they die; the damsel, because she cried not, being in the city; and the man, because he hath humbled his neighbour’s wife: so thou shalt put away evil from among you. 25 But if a man find a betrothed damsel in the field, and the man force her, and lie with her: then the man only that lay with her shall die.

26 But unto the damsel thou shalt do nothing; there is in the damsel no sin worthy of death: for as when a man riseth against his neighbour, and slayeth him, even so is this matter:

27 For he found her in the field, and the betrothed damsel cried, and there was none to save her. 28 If a man find a damsel that is a virgin, which is not betrothed, and lay hold on her, and lie with her, and they be found;

29 Then the man that lay with her shall give unto the damsel’s father fifty shekels of silver, and she shall be his wife; because he hath humbled her, he may not put her away all his days.”

Deuteronomy 22:23-29 (KJV)

In the above passage from Deuteronomy chapter 22 we find God’s definition of rape as opposed to our modern definition of rape. What does God call rape? Does he say it is simply when a man humbles (has forced sex) with a woman? The answer is NO. Instead we find that rape in God’s eyes is when a man has forced sex with a woman who is he not married to. The Bible covers both a betrothed (or married) woman and also virgin woman. In a follow-up article to this one I will be specifically addressing God’s command that a rapist had to marry the woman he raped.

My point in showing Deuteronomy 22:23-29 is twofold. First it gives God’s definition of rape which is the when a man has forced sex with a woman who is not his wife. Secondly in the context of the rape discussion God uses the term “humbled” to denote forced sex.

This English word “humbled” in these passages is a translation of the Hebrew word “anah” which means to “afflict”, “humble” or “force” in most instances.

Anah is used in reference to two famous rape stories in the Bible. The first is regarding the rape of Dinah, the daughter of Leah and wife of Jacob:

“1 And Dinah the daughter of Leah, which she bare unto Jacob, went out to see the daughters of the land. 2 And when Shechem the son of Hamor the Hivite, prince of the country, saw her, he took her, and lay with her, and defiled [anah] her.”

Genesis 34:1-2(KJV)

The second is the rape of Tamar by her half-brother Amnon:

“Howbeit he would not hearken unto her voice: but, being stronger than she, forced [anah] her, and lay with her.”

2 Samuel 13:14 (KJV)

And again why was the ‘anah’ or humbling and forced sex of these women considered to be true rape and thus immoral? Because they broke God’s law in Deuteronomy 22:23-29 that condemned a man having forced sex with a woman that was not his wife.

The Humbling of a Woman in Marriage

And a final note on Deuteronomy 21:10-14 and the humbling of the captive woman who was taken by the divine allowance of God. Some have tried to say this humbling had to do strictly with the woman shaving her head. What these same people do not realize is that it was common in ancient Middle Eastern cultures for both men and women to either pull out their hair or shave their heads when horrible tragedies struck. I believe the loss of one’s entire family would qualify in this case.

Also saying that the humbling of the woman by the man does not refer to forced sex takes a very naïve approach to the situation. Can anyone with a straight face say they think most captive women after only one month would want to willingly and consensually have sex with the man who may have killed their family or at least was part of the army that did? The reality is we all know in this situation that in the vast majority of cases even after one month the man would be having forced sex with his new bride. That is just reality.

So we can as Bible believing Christians rightly say based on Deuteronomy 22:23-29 that God never condones rape which HE defines as a man having forced sex with a woman he is not married to. But we can equally say that God does in fact condone forced sex in marriage based on Deuteronomy 21:10-14.

Biblical Sex is Not Just about Giving, But Also about Taking

In their article entitled “What does the Bible say about spousal/marital rape?” GotQuestions.org states:

“Some people believe that a wife must be agreeable to sexual relations with her husband at any time and that she has no say in the matter. They often misuse 1 Corinthians 7:3–5 to support the erroneous view that a wife can never tell her husband that she would like to defer having sex for a time. Some men believe that the husband has a God-given right to just “take it,” in spite of his wife’s objections…

It is clear from the Bible that mutuality reigns in the bedroom. According to 1 Corinthians 7:1–5, a husband should provide sexual satisfaction to his wife, and a wife should provide sexual satisfaction to her husband. A wife does not have authority over her own body, and a husband does not have authority over his own body. They belong to each other. Does this mean that a husband can force himself on his wife anytime he so desires? Definitely not. What the passage teaches is that each spouse is to willingly, freely, lovingly submit to the other. The passage is about giving satisfaction, not demanding it. The focus is on pleasing one’s spouse. There is no selfishness involved. Forcibly taking what has not been offered is wrong and plainly against the Bible’s commands on love and marriage.”

I would not call GotQuestions.org a raging feminist site as they do speak on submission in marriage, even if at times they water it down quite a bit. However the term “mutuality” they use in this article is a favorite of Christian feminists. In fact some Christian feminists use this passage in 1 Corinthians 7:1–5 to try to cancel out all the Bible’s teachings on male headship in marriage and they say marriage is a “mutual partnership”.

I am not denying that there is not any mutuality taught in this passage as there clearly is. But it is a limited mutuality, not an all-inclusive mutuality.

The first part of this passage from I Corinthians shows that a husband and wife have a right to sexual access to one another’s bodies:

“3 Let the husband render unto the wife due benevolence: and likewise also the wife unto the husband. 4 The wife hath not power of her own body, but the husband: and likewise also the husband hath not power of his own body, but the wife.”

I Corinthians 7:3-5 (KJV)

The English word “power” here is a translation of the Greek word Exousiazo and can refer to authority or the right to do something. If we try and say here that God is saying a wife has literal authority over her husband’s body then this contradicts with the Scriptural teaching that the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the Church and the wife is to submit to her husband in everything as the Church is to submit to Christ in everything (Ephesians 5:23-24).

In the programming world in which I work we would call this an infinite loop. If a husband can command compel his wife to give her body to him yet she can command him not to give his body to her we can see where this ends up.

So when we take the whole of the Scriptures and especially Ephesians 5:23-24 into account we understand that the “power” of I Corinthians 7:3-5 actually refers to “the right”. A husband has the right to sexual access to this wife’s body and the wife has the right to sexual access to her husband’s body.

Are Christian Husbands Wrong for “demanding” Sex From their Wives?

GotQuestions.org claims The passage is about giving satisfaction, not demanding it. The focus is on pleasing one’s spouse and I don’t deny that this passage does reference giving one’s self to one’s spouse. When it uses the word “render” that is our duty as spouses to GIVE our bodies to our spouses for their sexual satisfaction. However it also talks about the “power” or “right” of the spouse toward their spouse’s body – this is clearly the power to TAKE or seek sexual satisfaction in one’s spouse’s body. GotQuestions.org does not like “take” to be anywhere in the conversation of sex but in this passage the giving AND taking aspects of sex as God designed it are clearly on display.

Finally as far as “demanding” sex is it is true that the wife can no more demand anything of her husband than the Church can demand something of Christ. Can she request sex from her husband as the Church can request various things of Christ? Yes. But she cannot demand anything of her husband. However, can and does Christ demand obedience from his Church in “everything” as Ephesians 5:23-24 shows? The answer is yes. Therefore since a husband is the head of his wife as Christ is the head of his Church he can demand obedience from his wife (including in the sexual arena) just as Christ demands obedience from his Church.

Do Wives Have to be “agreeable” to Sex at “at any time”?

GotQuestions.org claims that some Christians have an “erroneous view” that “that a wife must be agreeable to sexual relations with her husband at any time and that she has no say in the matter”. I would agree that I Corinthians 7:2-5 never specifically mentions sex on demand “at any time” from a wife. But there is another passage of Scripture dealing with sex in marriage that DOES:

15 Drink waters out of thine own cistern, and running waters out of thine own well. 16 Let thy fountains be dispersed abroad, and rivers of waters in the streets. 17 Let them be only thine own, and not strangers’ with thee. 18 Let thy fountain be blessed: and rejoice with the wife of thy youth.19 Let her be as the loving hind and pleasant roe; let her breasts satisfy thee AT ALL TIMES; and be thou ravished always with her love.”

Proverbs 5:15-19 (KJV)

The Scriptures command husbands to “drink” or take pleasure from the sexual well that is their wife’s body. They are command let her breasts (symbolic of her whole body) satisfy them AT ALL TIMES or in the words of GotQuestions.org “at any time”.

Besides Proverbs 5:15-19 there is any even more powerful principle of Scripture that dictates what a wife’s response is to be to her husband in all matters:

“Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing.”

Ephesians 5:24 (KJV)

So as we can see, the Bible commands that a wife should be “agreeable…at any time” to anything her husband asks her to do whether it is cleaning, cooking, paying the bills, putting children to bed and yes having sex with him. The only Biblical caveat to this would be if he asked her to do something sinful against God and then she has to obey God rather than her husband (Acts 5:29). It really is that simple.

But God never forces himself on his wife!

Some will take the relationship of Christ and his Church and claim “we never see Christ forcing his Church and therefore husbands may not force their wives”. Others will conflate salvation with marriage and say “God does not force us to come to him salvation, therefore a husband cannot force his wife to have sex with him.”

Let me address the latter claim first and then I will address the former. Two of the primary ways that God pictures our relationship to him is as a father and then as husband. Our relationship as individuals to God is pictured as that of a child to their father. Our relationship to God as a group, as the people of God, is pictured as that of a wife to her husband.

When God invites us to become his children this is presented as a choice:

“While ye have light, believe in the light, that ye may be the children of light. These things spake Jesus, and departed, and did hide himself from them.”

John 12:36 (KJV)

Now of course we understand there is a consequence of that choice. If we do not choose to obey the Gospel of Christ this is what awaits those who disobey his Gospel:

“7 And to you who are troubled rest with us, when the Lord Jesus shall be revealed from heaven with his mighty angels, 8 In flaming fire taking vengeance on them that know not God, and that obey not the gospel of our Lord Jesus Christ: 9 Who shall be punished with everlasting destruction from the presence of the Lord, and from the glory of his power”

2 Thessalonians 1:7-9 (KJV)

But in the context of God’s relationship to his people as a whole he sometimes compels obedience by force. In the Old Testament the relationship of God to the nation of Israel was pictured as a marriage with God as the husband and Israel as his wife. When Israel rebelled against God just after making their marriage covenant with him the Bible tells us he humbled Israel:

“2 And thou shalt remember all the way which the LORD thy God led thee these forty years in the wilderness, to humble[anah] thee, and to prove thee, to know what was in thine heart, whether thou wouldest keep his commandments, or no. 3 And he humbled[anah] thee, and suffered thee to hunger, and fed thee with manna, which thou knewest not, neither did thy fathers know; that he might make thee know that man doth not live by bread only, but by every word that proceedeth out of the mouth of the LORD doth man live.”

Deuteronomy 8:2-3 (KJV)

Remember that in the context of the relationship of a man and woman when he humbles her this is the man forcing himself upon the woman. God forced Israel to yield to him and to learn that concept that “that man doth not live by bread only, but by every word that proceedeth out of the mouth of the LORD doth man live”.

But Christ Never Forces His Church!

Some will say – “Well God’s relationship with Israel was different than his Church and Christ never forces his Church to do anything”.

Earlier I said the reason I don’t use the term rape in the context of marriage is because it is like using murder to refer to all killing. Only unlawful killing (unlawful by God’s law) is considered murder. Killing in self-defense or to save others is not wrong. Even in the case of wrongful forced sex in marriage like the Markland Letter case, such action is not rape but rather physical abuse.

But now I want us to look at the definition of rape. Here is the Webster’s 1828 dictionary definition of rape:

“In a general sense, a seizing by violence; also, a seizing and carrying away by force, as females.

In law, the carnal knowledge of a woman forcibly and against her will.

Privation; the act of seizing or taking away.”

http://webstersdictionary1828.com/Dictionary/rape

Now someone reading this might say “See right there even in the old definition of rape it talks about a man taking a woman against her will!”. And that is very true. However as I explained earlier it is God who defines what rape is – not us. But I want you to zero in on the first definition where it says “a seizing and carrying away by force”.

Now let us turn to the New Testament. Before I give the next Scripture I want to set the stage a bit. In the Old Testament the marriage of God to Israel is pictured as a full consummated marriage after which Israel commits adultery with false gods and God divorces her for this.

In the New Testament the Church is pictured as a betrothed bride to Christ whose marriage has not yet been consummated:

“For I am jealous over you with godly jealousy: for I have espoused you to one husband, that I may present you as a chaste virgin to Christ.”

2 Corinthians 11:2 (KJV)

The “consummation” of the Church and Christ’s marriage is described in the passage below:

“16 For the Lord himself shall descend from heaven with a shout, with the voice of the archangel, and with the trump of God: and the dead in Christ shall rise first: 17 Then we which are alive and remain shall be caught up together with them in the clouds, to meet the Lord in the air: and so shall we ever be with the Lord.”

1 Thessalonians 4:16-17 (KJV)

The event described in 1 Thessalonians 4:16-17 is what is known as the “rapture” of the Church.

Bible.org gives a brief background of the word “rapture”:

“Regarding the term rapture and its use in theology the following should answer your questions. It is taken from Ryrie’s Basic Theology, Electronic Media from Parsons Technology.

Our modern understanding of rapture appears to have little or no connection with the eschatological event. However, the word is properly used of that event. Rapture is a state or experience of being carried away. The English word comes from a Latin word, rapio, which means to seize or snatch in relation to an ecstasy of spirit or the actual removal from one place to another. In other words, it means to be carried away in spirit or in body. The Rapture of the church means the carrying away of the church from earth to heaven.

The Greek word from this term “rapture” is derived appears in 1 Thessalonians 4:17, translated “caught up.” The Latin translation of this verse used the word rapturo. The Greek word it translates is harpazo, which means to snatch or take away. Elsewhere it is used to describe how the Spirit caught up Philip near Gaza and brought him to Caesarea (Acts 8:39) and to describe Paul’s experience of being caught up into the third heaven (2 Cor. 12:2-4). Thus there can be no doubt that the word is used in 1 Thessalonians 4:17 to indicate the actual removal of people from earth to heaven.”

https://bible.org/question/where-did-term-8216rapture%E2%80%99-come

Ryrie’s definition of harpazo actually leaves out a very important part of the definition. It is not simply to snatch, seize or take away – it is do these things “by force”

Strong’s #726: harpazo (pronounced har-pad’-zo)

from a derivative of 138; to seize (in various applications):–catch (away, up), pluck, pull, take (by force).

https://www.bibletools.org/index.cfm/fuseaction/Lexicon.show/ID/G726/harpazo.htm

And if we look at the word origin of our English word “rape” we read:

“early 14c., “booty, prey;” mid-14c., “forceful seizure; plundering, robbery, extortion,” from Anglo-French rap, rape, and directly from Latin rapere “seize” (see rape (v.)). Meaning “act of abducting a woman or sexually violating her or both” is from early 15c., but perhaps late 13c. in Anglo-Latin.”

https://www.etymonline.com/word/rape

So now I will pull this all together for you. The Greek word which describes how Jesus Christ will take his church is harpazo which means to seize or take something or someone by force. When the Bible was translated into Latin (which Jerome finished in 405 AD) the word rapturo which was derived from the Latin word rapio (meaning to seize or snatch) was used to translate the Greek harpazo. Then in the 14th century the English word “rape” was created from the Latin to describe a man forcing a woman to have sex with him.

While English common law as well as previous laws held it was not wrong for a man to force his wife to have sex, over time the word rape came to be a derogatory term used not just of men forcing women they were not married to into sex, but also of husbands forcing their wives to have sex.

So the irony is that same word we rejoice of over – the “rapture” or seizure by force of the bride of Christ which his Church is the same word we use to condemn a husband for forcing his wife to have sex with him. Think about that. Let that settle in your brain a bit.

Is “Forced Sex” in Marriage an Oxymoron?

Now that I have proven from the Old Testament that God “humbled” or “forced” Israel to bend to his will and that Christ will actually rapture (take by force) his Bride which is the Church I want to come back to the address the following assertion from GotQuestions.org on this subject of forced sex in marriage:

“The truth is that sexual expression was designed by God to be an act of love within a marriage, and violence or coercion should never be a part of it. Forced sex is not love

When God humbled Israel would we call this anything less than an act of love on his part? The answer is we would indeed call it an act of love. Did God use violence on Israel when they disobeyed him in the dessert? You better believe he did. Did he use coercion to compel his wife to yield to his demands? You better believe he did. It is right there in the story of the marriage of God to Israel all throughout the Old Testament.

Even Christ when rebuking his Churches states:

“As many as I love, I rebuke and chasten: be zealous therefore, and repent.”

Revelation 3:19 (KJV)

Therefore we can conclude based on the example of God himself as a husband that forced sex in marriage is NOT an Oxymoron.

Forced Sex Scenarios

Now I want to give some scenarios with force to try and help you understand this concept better.

Forced Sex Scenario #1

Let’ say a husband comes home from a long trip, his wife has no idea when he will arrive. He comes in through the door as she is working in the kitchen, he picks her up in his arms and takes her to their bedroom. He tears through her clothes as fast as possible and has sex with her.

Now this was definitely a matter of force – he did not ask her permission or even say a word to her. But if she complies willing with his forceful gesture most people would say there was nothing wrong in that scenario. In fact some women would even find it romantic. In fact the picture I have just painted would be similar to what the Scriptures paint as the rapture of the Church by Christ who is her husband.

However, if during his attempt at forced sex his wife resisted in anyway now our modern society is up in arms. “He has violated her consent!” we are told. But from a Biblical perspective as we have shown in this article – if the wife resists her husband in the above scenario and he continues to force her to his will who has sinned? The husband, the wife or both? Biblically speaking it is the wife who has sinned and the husband is not sinning by forcing her to yield to his lawful demand.

Now if the wife resisted the husband in this scenario – if he loves her – is that what he wanted from her? Of course not. He wanted to be able to pick up his wife in his arms and for her to willingly give herself to him no questions asked. Just as Christ wants his Church to willing embrace him at the rapture. But make no mistake – Christ is not going to take “I am not in the mood today” from his Church when he comes. He is taking his Bride by force!

Forced Sex Scenario #2

Let’s say a man takes a woman as his wife who clearly did not want to be his wife. In the Bible this could be a scenario where a father gives his daughter to a man she does not want marry or it could be a man captures a woman as a captive during war. So on their wedding day he goes to have sex with her and she resists him. So he holds her down and forces her. In Biblical terms he has justly “humbled” his wife.

Again who is the one sinning in this scenario? Is the wife who sinning by resisting or is the husband sinning by forcing himself on his wife? Or is it both? We know the Biblical answer is that it is the wife who is sin and the husband is right and just in forcing his wife to have sex with him.

And once again – do men who truly love and have affection for their wives want it to be this way? No. We as men want what God wants from his wife – willing obedience, but if obedience is not given willfully we follow God’s example with Israel and humble our wives and take it by force.

Forced Sex Scenario #3

I was asked in a recent comment on my blog what I thought of the scenario of a “husband shoving his member down his wife’s throat”. In other words a husband forcing his wife to perform oral sex on him – is that a sin?

So a husband and wife are having sex and he decides to take his member up to his wife’s head for her to perform oral sex on him. She resists and turns her head away so he takes her head and forces her to perform oral sex on him.

We have given several principles in this article that answer this question.

The I Corinthians 7:2-4 principle teaches that a wife has a duty to render her body to her husband and it also gives him the right of sexual access to her body.

The Proverbs 5:18-19 Principle says a husband is to satisfy himself (literally drink his fill) of his wife’s body AT ALL TIMES.

The Ephesians 5:24 Principle says that a wife is to submit to her husband in EVERYTHING.

The Deuteronomy 8:2-3 Principle shows us that God humbled his wife Israel and forced her learn obedience to his will.

Therefore we can conclude based on the witness of the Scriptures that it is NOT a sin for a man to force his wife to perform oral sex on him as she has a duty to render her entire body to him to fulfill God’s command to him to satisfy himself with her body at all times. She is to submit to him in everything, not just the things she feels like doing or is comfortable with.

Ladies – I know for some of you this is a hard one to swallow (pun intended) but scripturally speaking the Bible does not condemn such actions by a husband toward his wife.

But Forced Sex is Selfishness!

The selfishness card is often used to dismiss not only a man forcing himself on his wife but also a man allowing his wife to consent to sex when she really is not in the mood. The reasoning goes – “if you see your wife is not in the mood for any reason, then if you were being selfless you would give up your desire or need.” Others have even tried to argue that if sex is ever desired in anyway other than to give pleasure to the other person it is by definition selfishness.

However the Biblical definition of selfishness is not simply doing things for one’s own benefit or desire. But instead it is when a person ONLY does things for their benefit or desire and never considers the needs of others.

“Look not every man on his own things, but every man also on the things of others.”

Philippians 2:4 (KJV)

The key phrase there in that verse which is also in the Greek is the word “also”. This verse is not saying it is wrong to look to our own needs or desire, but that we must ALSO look to the needs and desires of others well.

And I would remind anyone who says it is selfish for a man to have sex with his wife when she is not in the mood or to force her to have sex that this is selfishness to look to Proverbs 5:15-19 which commands a man to satisfy himself with his wife’s body “at all times”.

But Doesn’t Forced Sex Violate the Husband’s Duty to Care for his Wife’s Body?

It is absolutely true that Ephesians 5:28-29 teaches men as husbands that they are to care for their needs if their wife’s body. That is why what the husband did in the Markland Letter case was wrong because he violated this principle in causing severe damage to his wife’s body after surgery by forcing himself on her.

But outside of extreme conditions where a wife has not just had surgery we have to ask ourselves does forced sex in marriage by the husband toward his wife violate the Ephesians 5:28-29 principle? The answer I think in most cases is NO.

In most cases forced sex in marriage will hurt the woman’s pride, or in Biblical terms “humble her” more than anything else.

Some might ask “What about the risk of tissue tearing, bruising or rashes and other discomforts caused by forced sex?” Is there a risk of these things occurring? Yes. But who is it that is causing this risk? Is it the husband by exercising his lawful right to compel his wife to have sex or is it the woman who is causing this risk to herself by resisting her husband’s lawful demand?

Let me give some examples to illustrate what I am saying.

If a police officer pulls you over and asks you to produce your license and registration and you refuse and you refuse to get out of the car – can he use force to make you obey his lawful order? You better believe he can. And if you resist the officer in the course of his lawful actions and in the process you smack your head on the ground or get scrapes and cuts who was it that put you at risk? Was it him or was it you by your resisting his lawful actions?

If a parent goes to spank their child and in the process of resisting the child gets bumps, bruises and tears who was it that put themselves at risk and brought these injuries on themselves?

If a police officer has a warrant to enter your home and you resist and as he enters the home by force you or your home are damaged whose fault was that?

Am I Telling Husbands to Go Home and Force Themselves on Their Wives?

The answer is No. But you might be thinking – Wait you just said spent this entire article telling us it was not a sin for a man to force himself on his wife!

As you catch your breath let me explain a simple principle regarding Biblical rights. Just because we have the right to do something, does not mean it is always wise to do something.

Paul said that he had the right to take a wife yet he chose not to exercise that right:

“5 Have we not power to lead about a sister, a wife, as well as other apostles, and as the brethren of the Lord, and Cephas?…15 But I have used none of these things: neither have I written these things, that it should be so done unto me: for it were better for me to die, than that any man should make my glorying void.”

1 Corinthians 9:5 & 15 (KJV)

He goes into more detail as to why he did not exercise his right to take a wife in the passage below:

“I suppose therefore that this is good for the present distress, I say, that it is good for a man so to be.”
1 Corinthians 7:26 (KJV)

So, Paul was saying because of “the present distress”, the horrible persecution of the church, he felt it was better for a man not to exercise his God given right to take a wife.

In the same way because of the present distress of feminism and the utter hostility toward Biblical marriage I personally do not think it is always wise for a husband to force himself on his wife even though it is his right as her husband, her head and her master to force her compliance to God’s commands in this area of sexuality.

Christ admonished us to be “wise” in a world which hates the God of the Bible:

“16 Behold, I send you forth as sheep in the midst of wolves: be ye therefore wise as serpents, and harmless as doves. 17 But beware of men: for they will deliver you up to the councils, and they will scourge you in their synagogues; 18 And ye shall be brought before governors and kings for my sake, for a testimony against them and the Gentiles.”

Matthew 10:16-19 (KJV)

Gentlemen there is more than one way to skin a cat. If you use force against your wife, it may be right and just before God – but because of the wicked society we live in you run a very high risk of going to jail for violations of domestic abuse laws or the remove of the marital rape exemption in all 50 states. All your wife has to do is make a phone call.

Instead you need to be wise as serpents as Christ admonished us to be and use other means to discipline your wife. See my article “8 steps to confront your wife’s sexual refusal” for ideas on non-physical ways in which you can discipline your wife. These are all non-physical methods of discipline that you can never be prosecuted for (despite feminist fantasies to the contrary).

For instance, no police officer anywhere is going to arrest a husband for spending less time with his wife because she refuses to submit to him sexually. No prosecutor is going to prosecute a case where a husband refused to pay for kitchen upgrades because his wife refused to sexually submit. No jury will convict a husband of marital rape because he refused to buy his wife some jewelry she wanted because she would not sexually submit to him.

If a woman complains about these non-physical things her husband is doing to a law enforcement officer they are going to tell her “If you don’t like it get a divorce”. I have had multiple police officers and others write me since I wrote that article (“8 steps to confront your wife’s sexual refusal”) confirming this for me.

Using non-physical methods of discipline are ways that you can communicate your displeasure with your wife’s sinful attitudes but at the same time you can shield yourself from a world that is hostile to Biblical male headship.

A Final Exhortation to Christian Wives

Christian wife this all goes back to how you view yourself in God’s design of marriage.

“13 For it is God which worketh in you both to will and to do of his good pleasure.

14 Do all things without murmurings and disputings”

Philippians 2:13-14 (KJV)

Imagine if you actually followed Ephesians 5:22-24’s admonition to submit to your husband “as unto the Lord… in everything”. Imagine if you submitted to your husband working in your body both to will and do of his good pleasure without grumbling or resisting him?

If you were to follow this pattern with your husband then the issue of forced sex in marriage would really be a non-issue.

75 thoughts on “Why the Bible Allows Forced Sex in Marriage

  1. I think the wedding itself and that night are little different versus sexual refusal later in the marriage. My situation is a little weird my wife and are both 32 year old Caucasian Americans so arranged marriages aren’t too common if you look at that demographic. However The reason why I say it’s different is because now a days the couples choose each other, that wasn’t my case so I was able to understand why my wife didn’t want to do something so vulnerable with a person she hasn’t known long and she was new to our religious group. The problem came when she was unwilling to surrender to the situation like I had already. I did not like it but I was ready to man up and accept my new found responsibility, but I can’t do this on my own because it’s a team effort. That is when I had to make a tough decision that I contemplated for nearly 3 weeks. Not gonna lie when the deed was done seeing her there quivering and silently crying I walked away and cried myself, the scene was a mess. I knew she experienced physical pain and hearing her protest was cringe worthy. Oddly enough sex was not something regarded as beautiful thing in our church but more like a chore and if need be a means of control eventually my wife and I made the mutual decision to leave that church. It’s more common in this day and age for people to choose their spouse’s so denying your spouse sex on their wedding night is actually a mild insult and saying that you don’t trust them with that part of you. So ladies think about that, why are you choosing a man you wouldn’t trust with your body? Even with the fear of the inevitable pain that’s no excuse when you chose your husband.

  2. @ Clarissa

    Sex is the highest form of acceptance a man can receive form another human being. Think about it. A woman who freely and enthusiastically wants her man and wants to carry his seed is something a man cannot resist because of the level of acceptance towards him (in his mind). If the man proposed to his soon to be bride and she said yes, she was saying that she accepts you and trusts you and sees you as good for her life with what you can provide for her. If later on in the marriage she starts refusing you sexually, it is like her saying that you are now not good enough. She had that choice when asked to be married. It’s a one and done deal. So why the change of heart midstream? A man will give everything he has or can have or will have for someone willing to accept him on those terms. That is the basic programming that God set man up with. Sex=time, effort, resources, attention towards the person who receives his seed or is produced from his seed. Sex within marriage parallels the relationship God has with regards to the other members of the Trinity and those that accept his Son with regards to Salvation. Any yes, sex should be like worship when it is done correctly. Who doesn’t want that?

  3. @Mr. E

    I’ve given up trying to explain to women that the BEST way a woman shows her love for her man is to open her legs and receive him deep and enthusiastically inside her.
    There is literally NOTHING else a woman does to a man that tells him that he is loved that can equal her giving herself unreservedly to her man….she can cook, she can clean, she can respect him, and never raise her voice to him, but if she is not meeting his God given sexual needs then she does not love him, no matter what she professes with her mouth

    There’s an old sayings I like……1: “Never look at what a woman says, instead look how she acts”, there’s a lot of truth in that

    Refusing a man sexually literally tears a man’s soul apart and destroys him psychically….sometimes I wonder to myself, do women do this consciously to hurt men, or is it simply the way women are

  4. Mr. E,

    Your Statement:

    “Sex within marriage parallels the relationship God has with regards to the other members of the Trinity and those that accept his Son with regards to Salvation.”

    I respectfully disagree with your statement that sex parallels the relationship God has to the other members of the Trinity. This is a popular teaching in modern Christianity and Focus on the Family and other groups use it. The problem is the Scriptures never say this. In fact the Scriptures say something very different. Ephesians 5:22-33 tells us the Husband/Wife relationship – this one flesh relationship, mirrors the relationship of God to his people or Christ to his Church. It does not mirror the relationship of the trinity to one another. Are Christ and the Church equals? The answer is no. In the Trinity all three members are of equal essence and power and while Christ submits to the will of the father this relationship is never compared to the husband wife relationship.

    Now on the matter of symbolism to salvation – that might be a case where the woman opens herself to the indwelling of her husband as we open ourselves to the indwelling of the Spirit of God and just as the man imparts new life when indwells his wife so to the Holy Spirit imparts new life in us as well when he indwells us.

    But I agree with the heart of your comment that for a man the highest form of acceptance he can receive is when his wife truly accepts all of him including his penis and semen. When a woman detests either of these things it will fracture the intimacy of the marriage.

    A lot of women treat sex like the icing on the cake of marriage. It’s a “nice to have” thing and fun to do but it really is not an essential ingredient of the relationship. The reality is that sex in marriage is more like the eggs you put in the cake mix itself – it works as a bonding agent to make the cake tougher and it also adds flavor to the cake.

  5. You don’t think a wife being refused sex doesn’t rip her apart?! Imagine having your spouse not allow you to orgasm for three years, and then refuses you sex completely simply because he no longer wants to engage in oral or manual sex anymore. Instead, he turns away from his always willing and eager wife and turns to porn and masturbation because he believes sex should be PIV-only now and over in 10 minutes and God made a mistake making orgasms more work for a woman. And then when she tearfully asks him about why he took all that away from her, he gets angry, yells at her, throws her on the bed, forces himself on her, and when done sarcastically asks her if that’s what she wants.

    Yes, that happened. She wondered why. She has always been into sex, eager, willing, never refusing, supplementing during times of doctor-ordered pelvic rest. She followed doctrine on being a respectful, submissive, serving wife. She kept herself in shape, dressed nicely, wore his favorite lingerie, dressed the bed the way he preferred, trained the kids to leave them alone for private time, and yet he behaved this way towards her and it crushed her.

    She gets confused because she is supposed to submit to his sexual preferences and she is supposed to be humbled and ok with the forced sex that happened, but it all just leaves her at such a loss. A loss no man would put up with if the roles were reversed. A loss no church is prepared to confront.

  6. I didn’t want to say anything about it but I was wondering when you would comment on this. I think my marriage would if my husband felt like my orgasm no longer mattered. I honestly don’t know how you live with it and I’m surely going to pray for you.

  7. livinginblurredlines,

    Your Statement:

    “You don’t think a wife being refused sex doesn’t rip her apart?!”

    I absolutely believe it rips a woman apart whose husband refuses her sex. This is why God ordered that if a husband refused to have sex with his wife she was to be freed from him(Exodus 21:10-11) and in I Corinthians 7:2-5 we see this right of a woman’s access to her husband’s body for sex is reaffirmed. For anyone else reading this please see my post https://biblicalgenderroles.com/2015/09/16/4-steps-to-confronting-your-husbands-sexual-refusal/

    Your Statement:

    “Imagine having your spouse not allow you to orgasm for three years, and then refuses you sex completely simply because he no longer wants to engage in oral or manual sex anymore. Instead, he turns away from his always willing and eager wife and turns to porn and masturbation because he believes sex should be PIV-only now and over in 10 minutes and God made a mistake making orgasms more work for a woman.”

    There is nothing wrong with us looking to meet our own needs as people, whether as men or women. But we must also consider the needs of others as well.

    “Look not every man on his own things, but every man ALSO on the things of others.”
    Philippians 2:4 (KJV)

    This very much applies to marriage. There are two extremes in this regard. On the right side extreme some men care absolutely nothing for any trying to sexually please their wives – they are indeed selfish in the area of sex. On the left side we have those who teach that sex and all things we do in life are are to be “selfless” and we should never do anything for our own pleasure. That is also NOT supported by the Scriptures.

    Your husband in caring nothing in meeting your sexual needs has sinned against God and against you. But how do you handle this? I will come back to this. On the PIV issue – There are both men and women that have this limitation about sex. Especially Catholics. I have received many emails from men whose wives only want PIV and refuse to allow him to perform oral sex on her or for her to perform oral sex on him or any manual stimulation between the two. And this is about way more than an orgasm. Even though men can typically have an orgasm easier than the typical woman – a lot of people falsely think that if a man has an orgasm that is all he needs. That is FALSE. Most men want to savor sex, they want to enjoy it like a good meal. Having a woman rush her husband to orgasm is just as cruel to many men as it is for a man to care nothing for his wife’s orgasm.

    Your Statement:

    “And then when she tearfully asks him about why he took all that away from her, he gets angry, yells at her, throws her on the bed, forces himself on her, and when done sarcastically asks her if that’s what she wants.”

    This is an example where I would not agree with forced sex by a husband toward his wife. If you are acting in fleshly anger toward your wife, rather than trying to show your wife that sex needs to happen in marriage that is wrong. As men we should be acting in love and yes sometimes love must be tough, but it should never be from a place of fleshly anger.

    You Statement:

    “Yes, that happened. She wondered why. She has always been into sex, eager, willing, never refusing, supplementing during times of doctor-ordered pelvic rest. She followed doctrine on being a respectful, submissive, serving wife. She kept herself in shape, dressed nicely, wore his favorite lingerie, dressed the bed the way he preferred, trained the kids to leave them alone for private time, and yet he behaved this way towards her and it crushed her.”

    Why did this happen? Because your husband is a sinner. Because your husband acted in sinful frustration and pride toward you. Because he either he could not figure out how to please you or he was simply to lazy to please you he acted in sinful anger toward you. He did not ask for forgiveness or change his way because of his continued sinful pride in this area. That is why.

    Your Statement:

    “She gets confused because she is supposed to submit to his sexual preferences and she is supposed to be humbled and ok with the forced sex that happened, but it all just leaves her at such a loss. A loss no man would put up with if the roles were reversed. A loss no church is prepared to confront.”

    Let me ask you a question? What is the real test of your desire to follow God in being submissive and respectful to your husband? Is it when he treats you right? Is when he is kind and loving to you? Is when does all the things toward you that God calls him to do in the Bible? The answer is no.

    The real test is when you continue to unconditionally submit to a man who acts in sinful ways toward you. It is when you continue to reverence a man who forced you, not out of love for you, but out sinful anger toward you. It is when you continue to give your body and have sex with your husband knowing he will not act in a reciprocal way toward you trying to help you have an orgasm.

    You said “A loss no man would put up with if the roles were reversed” but I respectfully disagree. There are myriads of men across this country and across this world that stay with wives who sexually deny them or if they give them sex they make it as miserable as possible under the false guise that “If I make him have a orgasm that is all that is required”. Do you realize there are women who won’t even take their shirts off for their husbands? They simply take their bottom off and tell him to “hurry up”. Do you realize there are women that force their husbands to turn off the lights every time and their husbands NEVER see them naked? Do realize there are women that belittle their husband’s sexuality and his manhood?

    My point is there are cruel husbands and there are cruel wives. Neither sex has a monopoly on selfishness and cruel behavior in the area of sex in marriage.

    I am truly sorry for how your husband has treated you. But God calls you love your husband and continue to submit to him even if he does not do his part, even if he is selfish in many ways.

    “1 Likewise, ye wives, be in subjection to your own husbands; that, if any obey not the word, they also may without the word be won by the conversation of the wives;
    2 While they behold your chaste conversation coupled with fear.
    3 Whose adorning let it not be that outward adorning of plaiting the hair, and of wearing of gold, or of putting on of apparel;
    4 But let it be the hidden man of the heart, in that which is not corruptible, even the ornament of a meek and quiet spirit, which is in the sight of God of great price. 5 For after this manner in the old time the holy women also, who trusted in God, adorned themselves, being in subjection unto their own husbands”
    I Peter 3:1-5 (KJV)

    There are many men and women that would love to be able to leave their spouses for selfishness in the area of sexual relations. But while the Bible allows for divorce for sexual denial, it does not all for divorce for bad sex or selfish sex.

  8. @BGR

    I appreciate your response back to me. It helps clarify some of the questions I had regarding some of your articles, including this one.

    Indeed, I have continued to treat my husband with respect and in submission. My quest is one of the reasons I found your blog! I pray for our marriage and for him (and for myself, for love, patience, respectfulness, and to remove any beams from my own eyes). My choices are either to live godly or live as a continual drip. I choose the former.

    I suppose I get most frustrated because I feel as if because I did and do things “right” then the right outcome should come of it. If you hook up your plumbing correctly, you get water. If you follow the recipe, you get a good meal. It isn’t that way with humans.

  9. BGR,

    I stand corrected with my statement in regards to the Trinity. I wrote that response hastily and off the cuff without really thinking what I had written. The mistake is all mine. After re-reading it and seeing your response, I think you better said what I was meaning. Thanks for the call-out.

    For what it’s worth, in years past I relied heavily on what sites like FOF were putting out with regards to marriage and such. It never seemed to be spot on and it always seemed to leave me hanging. From what I gather, it seems to focus more on the women needs and less on what men really need. They get some things correct, but leave a lot to be desired. If only they could tell it like it really needs to be told, but then again, could anyone mainstream be able to stomach the truth?

  10. kryptonian51,

    There is literally NOTHING else a woman does to a man that tells him that he is loved that can equal her giving herself unreservedly to her man….she can cook, she can clean, she can respect him, and never raise her voice to him, but if she is not meeting his God given sexual needs then she does not love him, no matter what she professes with her mouth

    You are so correct in this. A woman who is not a man’s wife can cook for him, clean for him or do anything else for him (besides sex) or his household and not violate any directives or standards that God has put forth. A man cannot pay a woman to carry his seed (prostitution) because the exchange is money for acceptance and not because of the man’s character. It can’t be with someone outside of marriage because then the man has no obligations to the woman (fornication).

    And I like what you said about watching what a woman does instead of what she says. My wife used to say “I love you but…you’re not getting any.” I could have spit nails when I heard that. My blood literally boiled. Just what does that mean anyway? It certainly does not mean that she accepts me on the whole. Does it mean to keep trying and you might eventually be good enough? Or does it mean I’m keeping you around because I like what I can get out of you and nothing more?

  11. @Mr. E

    ” My wife used to say “I love you but…you’re not getting any.”

    If my wife (assuming I have one), ever said that to me, I would be spitting nails as well
    Women’s total lack of empathy, and utter indifference to our sexual needs as men makes me fume with righteous anger

  12. Dane, thank you for sharing your story. It really sounds like both you and your wife were stuck in a hopeless situation in the beginning of your marriage. I would not have wanted to be in your position of the young husband. May I ask who arranged the marriages in your former religious group? Was it possible for the young men and women in question to exert some influence on the decision? And from what I can read between the lines of your comments men were taught that forced sex is an option in case the wedding night will be difficult. (I might be mistaken here, because English is not my native language.) Or how did your former church discuss forced sex? I am really just curious.

  13. >” My wife used to say “I love you but…you’re not getting any.”
    This should make a man rightfully angry, and prompt him to action. He ought to tell his wife that if she doesn’t feel like being his wife any longer, there is the door. This alone would probably cause many wives to rethink such a foolish statement. If it comes to divorce because she is not being faithful in her sexual responsibility toward him, then I believe it would be a righteous divorce before the Lord…

  14. It was the parents and we still don’t know how they came about the decision. I would have rather had the choice. The power to choose your spouse if used properly is a powerful thing, I totally disagree with arranged marriage, for that my wife and I have been cut off from our relatives in that cult is what I call it. Marriage was so militant there, if that can be used as a description in this case. Women just had children left and right because the husbands would take into consideration how taxing that could be on a woman, plus very few husbands helped with their children especially their daughters. Men were looked down upon for not being able to produce sons. Couples would not have sex often for the fear having children. To top it off young girls being promised to older men. Abuse had been somewhat normalized. When the men would talk to the about with the boys it was never beautiful or a good thing. The were very backwards.

  15. I’m a regular reader of your blog and agree with most of your stuff. Your posts on divorce and remarriage really helped me a lot. However, I must disagree about it being ok for a husband to slap his wife if she is yelling at him and disrespecting him. Just because you dont like what someone is saying or their tone of voice does not mean you can slap them. I got divorced due to serious physical abuse and I can tell you that things escalate. What starts as a simple slap…..in three months time can lead to being thrown down on the ground and choked. Which then leads to having your head put through a glass cabinet door the month after that. I have much respect for you and agree with you on most aspects but this part of your advice is very dangerous.

  16. JustRae,

    I appreciate your respectful disagreement me saying it is not wrong for a husband to slap his wife when she gets in his face challenging his authority or disrespecting him. If you have read other comments from me here and elsewhere you will know I would not agree with your husband throwing you down or choking you. Choking is actually very dangerous because it can actually kill you. I have even spoken out again punching as a form of discipline as this can easily cause serious and permanent damage to one’s body. Throwing you down to the floor would also be something I am against.

    Physical discipline whether it is of a father toward a child, or a husband toward his wife should always take into account that we as husbands and fathers have a God given responsibility to look out for the physical well-being and safety of our wives and children. This is why we should use controlled and calculated forms of physical discipline that have no risk of causing permanent or life threatening injuries and it should not be done as a form of revenge in the heat of the moment, but as an act of love to move the person toward repentance.

    But where I will respectfully disagree with you is that “What starts as a simple slap…..in three months time can lead to being thrown down on the ground and choked.” It only goes there if the man allows that to happen. Myriads of men throughout history have slapped their wives or children or spanked their wives or children and done it in a controlled manner to teach and discipline them and it never went beyond that. We cannot condemn an action because some men abuse it and go to far.

    Would you condemn parents spanking their children on the behind because some parents go from spanking their children on the behind to punching them in face(something we would both agree is wrong)?

    I know it is difficult for you because of what your former husband did – but sometimes we need to step back and see that just because something can be abused, does not mean that thing is wrong in and of itself.

  17. @JustRae

    “Just because you dont like what someone is saying or their tone of voice does not mean you can slap them”

    The simple answer to avoid that, would be for wives to STOP getting in their husbands face, disrespecting him, and yelling at him
    Why should women be allowed to do those sinful things without consequences for their behavior?

    No one likes to discipline their children or their wives, but if they insist on being disrespectful/and or are violent to their husbands, then discipline MUST be administered to them
    Wicked behavior from wives will continue to escalate once she knows there is no consequences for her actions, therefore it’s an act of love from the husband to protect her from herself when he administers discipline via slapping, to her
    Sean Connery had it right when interviewed whether he would ever slap a woman and he said “of course”….This interview can be seen on YouTube, and I happen to agree with him

    We have literally an epidemic now of women who have free reign to smash their husbands, to kick them, to throw things at them, to verbally bash them and belittle them etc…..Only when we bring back discipline in the home will this disrespectful and evil behavior stop

  18. Thank you for your response. Sounds like depressing surroundings, I am glad that ultimately it still became a happy marriage for you and your wife. — I’m actually feeling a little privileged now that I can marry for love, eventhough that goes without saying in our culture nowadays. Choosing one’s spouse is a powerful thing indeed, and being chosen in return.

  19. @Anm1

    Back when she was saying that I had no real reason for why she was saying that. She had no problem professing love, but showing it through sex was the issue. I didn’t know what to do or where to turn and that was frustrating. Christian ‘experts’ or articles would always have the same spiel, Ephesians 5:25 was their go to defacto answer. I believe that the issue here is that she has had a past sexual incident where someone forced themselves upon her, which is why I am hesitant to do that now. I believe that she has an aversion to a man’s sperm since that may be her ‘trigger’ in bringing up those memories. I have tried to live out Ephesians 5:25 but her mental blockage of not wanting to receive my seed stops her from responding to anything I do which she even thinks leads towards sex.

    I believe that the church today has issues that are only making this worse, generally speaking. I believe that pastors have no problem expounding the Ephesians part towards men but when it comes to telling the women to open up and receive with all sorts of enthusiasm, they balk, and it’s the men who are left in the cold with the women feeling justified on their position within their marriage.

  20. @ Mr. E

    The church has been taught by “church inc.” to vacate the meaning of Eph 5:22 by appealing to Eph 5:21 and abrogate 1Cor 7:5 by misdirection through an appeal to Eph 5:23 and negate 1 Pe 3:1 as restricting its application to unbelivieng husbands only. Biblical marriage is a casualty in the incorporated christian-culture which is more worldly than holy. Male headship is but an empty phrase that is used to scapegoat men for women’s sins. Real Biblical headship is framed as selfish, narcissistic, abusive and unloving.

    The “church inc.” has been much more intrested in market share and female admiration than in holiness in the fear of God. I can hardly listen to “Christian” radio or walk into a “Christian” bookstore without channeling the prophet Jeremiah. Every feel-good idolatry under the sun is available for a few coins, but the fear of God is not in that place. Take comfort, at least the road to judgement is paved with positive and encouraging feelings.

  21. @BGR Hmm…..interesting thought. I have no problem with spanking children, or maybe even spanking a wife (as long as that is something that has been previously discussed). But my thought is that it is disrespectful to slap anyone, even a child. I would use a hand or even a belt on a child’s bottom but I think it is wrong to slap their face. I don’t think a slap is a reason to get divorced but it’s not so good. Perhaps my thinking is still colored by my past experiences, even though it’s been several years. I try not not let it affect me but it does sometimes I guess. Anyway your blog is a good one and you do good work.

    @kryptionuian51I would say it is wrong for a woman to slap or throw things at her husband. If you’re a woman and use force against a man and he uses force back, you have no reason to complain, in my view. And respectful communication on the woman’s part is the best way to reduce anger and chances of hostility, of course. I recognize that I had a bad experience and most men are sane and would not do violence against their wives. But….IDK. Sean Connery is cool but I don’t know that I would take relationship advice from him.

  22. @JustRae

    “I would say it is wrong for a woman to slap or throw things at her husband. If you’re a woman and use force against a man and he uses force back, you have no reason to complain, in my view. And respectful communication on the woman’s part is the best way to reduce anger and chances of hostility, of course”

    Brilliant answer!

  23. i don’t believe that forced sex is even a thing. A woman’s vagina always gets wet when receiving her husband’s penis. It’s a natural reaction. Even if you act not in the mood your body naturally wants and craves the pleasure that is a gift given to you by God.

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