The Bible’s teachings on when sexual relations may occur between a man and a woman are in direct conflict with the American Sexual Consent ideology that sadly even many Christians believe in. Some Christians are simply ignorant about what the Bible says regarding when sexual relations may occur. Other Christians actually know what the Bible says about when sexual relations may occur and they choose to ignore such passages or explain them away as being irrelevant for our society.
If you are a Christian who knows what the Bible says about when sexual relations may occur between a man and woman and choose to ignore it or explain it away this article may do little to change your mind. I pray that you will repent – but it is in God’s hands and not mine.
But my primary focus in this article is to talk to Christians, especially young Christians, who have grown up in Churches that have abandoned the teachings of the Bible. I hope that when you are exposed to the teachings of God’s Word regarding sexual relations between a man and a woman you will open your heart and mind to what God has to say and let it change your life.
It is interesting to watch the civil war in feminism caused by the MeToo movement play itself out in feminist circles. On one side we have feminists like Christina Cauterucci at Slate.com arguing that MeToo has made “little progress” since its inception and much more needs to be done. But on the other side we have feminist writers like Daphne Merkin at the New York Times that admit to having “misgivings” about the MeToo movement and its impact on male female relationships and especially on things like flirting and how men and women enter into sexual relationships with one another.
Daphne Merkin makes the following statement in her article entitled “Publicly, We Say #MeToo. Privately, We Have Misgivings.”:
“What happened to women’s agency? That’s what I find myself wondering as I hear story after story of adult women who helplessly acquiesce to sexual demands. I find it especially curious given that a majority of women I know have been in situations in which men have come on to them — at work or otherwise. They have routinely said, “I’m not interested” or “Get your hands off me right now.” And they’ve taken the risk that comes with it.
The fact that such unwelcome advances persist, and often in the office, is, yes, evidence of sexism and the abusive power of the patriarchy. But I don’t believe that scattershot, life-destroying denunciations are the way to upend it. In our current climate, to be accused is to be convicted. Due process is nowhere to be found.
And what exactly are men being accused of? What is the difference between harassment and assault and “inappropriate conduct”? There is a disturbing lack of clarity about the terms being thrown around and a lack of distinction regarding what the spectrum of objectionable behavior really is. Shouldn’t sexual harassment, for instance, imply a degree of hostility? Is kissing someone in affection, however inappropriately, or showing someone a photo of a nude male torso necessarily predatory behavior?
I think this confusion reflects a deeper ambivalence about how we want and expect people to behave. Expressing sexual interest is inherently messy and, frankly, nonconsensual — one person, typically the man, bites the bullet by expressing interest in the other, typically the woman — whether it happens at work or at a bar. Some are now suggesting that come-ons need to be constricted to a repressive degree. Asking for oral consent before proceeding with a sexual advance seems both innately clumsy and retrograde, like going back to the childhood game of “Mother, May I?” We are witnessing the re-moralization of sex, not via the Judeo-Christian ethos but via a legalistic, corporate consensus.”
While Daphne Merkin raises many good points in the above article the point I wanted to zoom in on is her statement that “Expressing sexual interest is inherently messy…”.
And why is expressing sexual interest a “messy” endeavor today? I submit to you the reason for the messiness of expressing sexual interest lies squarely at the feet of the Free Love movement in America that begin in the mid-19th century as a theory that eventually became an American cultural reality in the 1960s’.
The majority of this article will be spent showing how the whole “sexual consent” philosophy in America finds its roots in rebellion against God. I will also show how it directly conflicts with the Biblical view of how men and women are to enter into sexual relations with one another. At the end of this article I will show why God’s appointed way for men and women to express sexual interest in one another is not “messy” like methods of showing sexual interest are today. In fact God’s way in this regard is far less complicated.
The Roots of “Sexual Consent” ideology and the Free Love Movement in America
One of the founding fathers of Feminism as well as the Sexual Consent and Free Love ideologies in America was a man named Moses Harman (1830-1910).
William Lemore West penned an article entitled “The Moses Harman Story” for the Kansas Historical Society on Mr. Harman’s life and his accomplishments.
In that article he states of Moses Harman that he “not only denounced all forms of government and religion, but added a new dimension in reform by advocating that women be freed from sexual slavery by abolishing the institution of marriage. Harman did not develop these views until comparatively late in his life.”
West also alludes to Harman’s name change on the publication he would later gain fame for:
“The publication changed title again in 1883. Harman maintained that subscribers objected to the term “Kansas” in the paper’s title because the name was local in character. His subscribers also opposed the term “liberal” since so many newspapers and journals used the term in their titles. For these reasons he changed the publication’s title to Lucifer the Light Bearer (hereafter called Lucifer). The title was selected, stated Harman, because it expressed the paper’s mission. Lucifer, the name given the morning star by the people of the ancient world, served as the symbol of the publication and represented the ushering in of a new day. He declared that freethinkers had sought to redeem and glorify the name Lucifer while theologians cursed him as the prince of the fallen angels. Harman suggested that Lucifer would take on the role of an educator. “The god of the Bible doomed mankind to perpetual ignorance,” wrote Harman, “and [people] would never have known Good from Evil if Lucifer had not told them how to become as wise as the gods themselves.”
West shows us Harman’s defining belief in “equal freedom”:
“”Yes, I believe in Freedom — equal freedom. I want no freedom for myself that all others may not equally enjoy. Freedom that is not equal is not freedom. It is, or may easily become, invasion, and invasion is the denial or the death of freedom. The Spencerian formula — ‘Each has the right to do as he pleases so long as he does not invade the equal right of others,’ tells what freedom means. It is equivalent to saying that liberty, wedded to responsibility for one’s acts, is the true and only basis of good conduct, or of morality.” — From a “Free Man’s Creed,” by Moses Harman. The picture and quotation were copied from the Memorial of Moses Harman.”
West shows Harman’s animosity toward religion and “particularly Christianity”:
“Religion, particularly Christianity, came under heavy verbal attack by Harman. He contended that religion was based on ignorance of nature’s methods and fear of the unseen powers that were supposedly warring over human destiny. Religion was dangerous, declared Harman, because “fear begets hate, and hate results in oppression, war, and bloodshed.”  Later he suggested:
Cling not to the cross of a dead god for help in time of trouble, but stand erect like a man and resolutely meet the consequences of your acts, whatever they may be. . . . Every man [and woman] must be his own physician, his own priest, his own god and savior, if he is ever healed, purified, and saved. ”
West speaks to Harman’s hatred of the institution of marriage below:
“Harman opposed the institution of marriage because he considered it an unequal yoke.  He maintained that marital rights were limited to the rights of the husband, with the wife being but a slave to her master husband.  The promises of marriage to “love, obey, and honor,” said Harman, were immoral because there was no reasonable assurance that the two persons would be able to carry out the promises.  Love and freedom were supposedly destroyed by marriage. “If love survives marriage,” alleged Harman, “it is not because of it but in spite of it.” ”
West presents Harman’s vision of a “rational” family:
“He believed that the abolition of marriage would result in the birth of fewer children since children would be welcomed and cared for by mutual affection. He looked forward to the emergence of a new “rational” family where each member would “drop to his place like stones in an arch when artificial props are removed.”  This new family would be under the domination of the mother. ”
West shows Harman’s view that women needed financial independence from men:
“On another occasion he stressed that women would never have political independence until they earned enough money to command respect. This was not possible, said Harman, because women spend most of their good years bearing and rearing children. ”
David S. D’Amato in his article “Free Love: Moses Harman” for Libertarianism.org writes that Harman’s views formed the basis of a “lexicon” for the values that Americans now hold today:
“Moses Harman was a dauntless and pioneering early voice for feminism, sexual and reproductive freedoms, and free expression. His periodical Lucifer was arguably the most important publication of the free love movement, so important a part of latter nineteenth century American radicalism. Harman’s work anticipates much of a lexicon we now take for granted in the public conversation on women’s rights and family planning.
Fighting censorship and the oppression of women, Harman finds victory today through the strength of his ideas and their legacy, even if he often lost to the forces of reaction and authority in his own time. Harman thus offers a glimmer of hope to libertarians, to a group that looks forward to a freer and more tolerant society, yet realizes that it likely waits far off, beyond the horizon. For while Harman was widely considered an insane old crank in his lifetime, he is vindicated in the present.”
Moses Harman And the Invention of Marital Rape
Wendy McElroy wrote an article for Foxnews.com entitled “Spousal Rape Case Sparks Old Debate” arguing against the historical marital rape exception that has existed in Western law until recent decades. In this article she alludes to who was responsible for first nationwide discussion of the possibility of marital rape:
“Western jurisprudence has a long tradition of absolving husbands from the possibility of rape. The first significant discussion in America of forced sex within marriage being categorized as rape, and of the need for a legal remedy, may well have been “The Markland Letter,” which was published in 1887 in a Kansas newspaper.
The letter read, “About a year ago F——— gave birth to a baby, and was severely torn by the instruments in incompetent hands. She has gone through three operations and all failed…last night when her husband came down, forced himself into her bed, and the stitches were torn from her healing flesh, leaving her in worse condition than ever...”
The Markland letter became nationally notorious largely because its graphic description of violence left little doubt that the husband was a rapist despite the law.”
The “Kansas newspaper” she alludes to was Moses Harman’s “Lucifer the Light Bearer”.
Merril D. Smith in her book “Sex Without Consent: Rape and Sexual Coercion in America” gives us some more detail on the Markland letter:
“A good example is provided by Dr. W.G. Markland who sent Moses Harman, the editor of Lucifer, Light Bearer a letter from a close female friend which described the experiences of a woman who had recently given birth. Because of the incompetence of her attending physicians she suffered lacerations and subsequently endured several painful operations to correct her condition. While she was recuperating from her latest experience under the surgeon’s knife, Markland reported, her husband “forced himself into her bed and the stitches were torn from her healing flesh, leaving her in a worse condition than ever.” Incensed by this behavior, Markland was even more irate that the wife had no legal recourse to punish her attacker. “Will you point to a law that will punish this brute?” he rhetorically asked is reader. “If a man stabs his wife to death with a knife,” he continued, “does not the law hold him for murder?” But if he “murders her with his penis, what does the law do?”” – page 214
And from this letter from Dr. Markland published in Harman’s Lucifer the Light Bearer publication a national debate was started about the possibility of marital rape. Harman would quickly receive many letters from others that would claim there was an epidemic of women across America dying as a result for forced sex from their husbands. Merril D. Smith concedes that there were many who doubted the accounts and many who believed the Free Lovers contention that “thousands” of these events were happening across the nation were exaggerations:
“Throughout the nineteenth century critics of the Free Lovers were quick to deny their claims of the prevalence of marital sexual abuse in the Victorian bedroom. In 1854, for example, Adin Ballou Argued that these sexual radicals “are prone to exaggerate the evils of dual marriage. They seem to think the best half of their battle is won, if they can only make these evils appear sufficiently dreadful. Accordingly, they harp incessantly on this string.” As part of their project to eliminate marriage, the Free Lovers clearly had a stake in publicizing these incidents of abuse. They did not, however, make them up.” – page 218
The problem with the Markland Letter case was not with its condemnation of the husband’s behavior. I think the vast majority of Christians would agree both then and now that what he did to his wife was wrong.
As a Bible believing Christian and a firm believer in God’s institution of marriage and a husband’ sexual rights to his wife’s body I can easily show that God condemned the behavior of the husband in the Markland Letter based on the Biblical principle that husbands are to care for the needs of their wife’s bodies as they do their own.
“28 So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself. 29 For no man ever yet hated his own flesh; but nourisheth and cherisheth it, even as the Lord the church”
Ephesians 5:28-29 (KJV)
Would the advocates of the false proposition of marital rape agree with us as Bible believing Christians that what the husband in the Markland Letter did was physical abuse even to the point of possibly endangering his wife’s life? Of course, they would.
But from a Biblical perspective it is absolutely impossible for a man to rape his wife because a man can only rape a woman he is not married to.
In other words, from a Biblical perspective forced sex within the confines of marriage is not and cannot ever be classified as rape, but only forced sex outside of the confines of marriage can rightly be considered rape.
Also I need to point out something very important for Christians to understand about rape. The world says rape is immoral because it violates a woman’s consent to sexual relations but the Bible shows us rape is wrong because it violates God’s consent for a man to have sexual relations with a woman. God only consents to a man having sexual relations with a woman if he has entered into a covenant of marriage with her and then he may have sex with her “at all times” as Proverbs 5:19 commands.
However, Ephesians 5:28-29’s command for men to care for the needs of their wife’s body is a Biblical caveat to Proverbs 5:19’s exhortation for men to sexually satisfy themselves with their wife’s body at all times.
While we as Christians should reject the false construct of marital rape we should certainly recognize the possibility of a husband physically abusing his wife and this Markland Letter case shows the husband did just that. A woman’s genitals need time to heal after giving birth. Even if the surgery was for something different than complications after child birth – if a husband forces himself on his wife with complete disregard for the damage it may cause her after surgery this is a clear violation of the Ephesians 5:28-29 principle that he is to care for the welfare of his wife’s body.
The truth is that free love advocates and feminists had (and still have today) a more insidious agenda. They did not want to simply condemn physical abuses which occurred in this marriage situation or others. They wanted to condemn the entire concept of Christian marriage itself with the husband as the head of the wife as an abusive relational construct and they wanted to eliminate traditional marriage from American society.
Now that we have shown the evil roots and true agenda of the Free Love and Sexual Consent ideologies we will now look at the fruit of these wicked movements in the form of modern “Sexual Consent” teachings.
The Biblical View of Sex Vs the Sexual Consent Ideology
Planned Parenthood has an article on their website entitled “Sexual Consent” which I think is a good representation of the tenets of modern Sexual Consent Ideology. Below I will take several of those tenets they list and compare these tenets to what the Bible says about sexual relations between men and women.
Marriage is in Agreement to Sexual Activity
Sexual Consent Ideology says “Sexual consent is an agreement to participate in a sexual activity” but the Bible says Marriage IS an agreement to participate in a sexual activity:
“Let the husband render unto the wife due benevolence: and likewise also the wife unto the husband.”
I Corinthians 7:3 (KJV)
“If he take him another wife; her food, her raiment, and her duty of marriage, shall he not diminish.”
Exodus 21:10 (KJV)
Before You Can Be Sexual With Someone You Must Marry Them
Sexual Consent Ideology says “Before being sexual with someone, you need to know if they want to be sexual with you too” but the Bible says before being sexual with someone you need to be married to them first:
“Marriage is honourable in all, and the bed undefiled: but whoremongers and adulterers God will judge.”
Hebrews 13:4 (KJV)
The Only Sexual Consent Required in Marriage is Consent to NOT have Sex
Sexual Consent Ideology says “Both people must agree to sex — every single time — for it to be consensual.” But the Bible says both people within a covenant of marriage must agree to NOT have sex. Yes, sir and Yes mam you read that right. The only mutual agreement regarding sex the Bible speaks to is the cessation of sex for short periods of mutually agreed time and then the couple is admonished to come back together in sexual union again:
“Defraud ye not one the other, except it be with consent for a time, that ye may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again, that Satan tempt you not for your incontinency.”
I Corinthians 7:5 (KJV)
A Man Has God’s Consent to Have Sex with His Wife at All Times
Sexual Consent Ideology says “Without consent, sexual activity (including oral sex, genital touching, and vaginal or anal penetration) is sexual assault or rape” but the Bible says God has given a man his consent to have sex with his wife “at all times” regardless of her consent:
“18 Let thy fountain be blessed: and rejoice with the wife of thy youth. 19 Let her be as the loving hind and pleasant roe; let her breasts satisfy thee at all times; and be thou ravished always with her love.”
Proverbs 5:18-19 (KJV)
Sex in Marriage is a Duty, NOT a Choice
Sexual Consent Ideology says “Consenting is a choice you make without pressure, manipulation, or under the influence of drugs or alcohol” but the Bible says sexual relations within marriage are a duty that the spouses have towards each other, not a choice (Exodus 21:10, I Corinthians 7:3).
Wives are to Sexually Submit to Their Husbands in Everything
Sexual Consent Ideology says “When it comes to sex, you should only do stuff you WANT to do, not things that you feel you’re expected to do” but the Bible commands wives to be in subjection to their husbands in everything:
“Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing.”
Ephesians 5:24 (KJV)
The only exception to “every thing” is Acts 5:24’s exception that “We ought to obey God rather than man”. That means if a woman’s husband asks her to participate in a threesome with another man she can rightly refuse his request because that would be a sin against God. If, however he as her husband asks her to manually stimulate him, perform oral sex on him or have intercourse or other types of sexual activity with him this would fall under Ephesians 5:24’s “every thing” clause.
The Implicit Sexual Consent of the Marriage Covenant is Non-reversible
Sexual Consent Ideology says “Anyone can change their mind about what they feel like doing, anytime. Even if you’ve done it before, and even if you’re both naked in bed” but God says sexual consent which is given in the marriage covenant is NOT reversible but rather is a lifelong commitment:
“For the woman which hath an husband is bound by the law to her husband so long as he liveth; but if the husband be dead, she is loosed from the law of her husband.”
Romans 7:2 (KJV)
You Don’t Get the Final Say Over Your Body, God Does
Sexual Consent Ideology says “You get the final say over what happens with your body” but God says your body belongs to him and in marriage he has given your body to your spouse for their sexual use:
“The earth is the Lord’s, and the fulness thereof; the world, and they that dwell therein.”
Psalm 24:1 (KJV)
“What? know ye not that your body is the temple of the Holy Ghost which is in you, which ye have of God, and ye are not your own?”
1 Corinthians 6:19 (KJV)
“The wife hath not power of her own body, but the husband: and likewise also the husband hath not power of his own body, but the wife.”
I Corinthians 7:4 (KJV)
The entire American concept of “It’s my body I can do what I want with it” flies directly in the face of a central tenet of Biblical Christianity that the world and all of us who live in it or have ever lived belong to God. This false philosophy of bodily autonomy was a foundational building block of the Sexual Revolution and also formed the basis of heinous so called “abortion rights”.
I am fine with God having authority over my life and body, but no man is going to tell me what to do!
Many Christian women have this attitude toward male headship in marriage and they refuse to see the utter contradiction such an attitude is with the clear teachings of the Scriptures.
It is absolutely true that the Bible says “where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is liberty” (II Corinthians 3:17) and there is no doubt in my mind that the spirit of the Lord was present at the founding of the United States of America.
On June 28, 1813 America’s second president John Adams wrote these words in a letter to America’s third president Thomas Jefferson:
“The general principles on which the fathers achieved independence were the general principles of Christianity. I will avow that I then believed, and now believe, that those general principles of Christianity are as eternal and immutable as the existence and attributes of God.”
The Writings of Thomas Jefferson (Washington D. C.: The Thomas Jefferson Memorial Association, 1904), Vol. XIII, p. 292-294.
As we previously pointed out, one of the general principles of Christianity is that we are not our own and that God has authority over our person and our bodies (Psalm 24:1, 1 Corinthians 6:19). But many Christians reject the fact that God as our owner can and does delegate authority over us to other human beings.
Yes – God has made us free, both men and women, but we are warned not to use our freedom to serve our own selfish and sinful desires:
“For, brethren, ye have been called unto liberty; only use not liberty for an occasion to the flesh, but by love serve one another.”
Galatians 5:13 (KJV)
God has not freed us so that we can serve our own selfish desires, but he has freed us to serve him. King David spoke of the relationship between the freedom God wants his people to have and the service to his law:
“And I will walk at liberty: for I seek thy precepts.”
Psalm 119:45 (KJV)
What this means is – we are free to serve God and live our lives within the bounds of his law. Moses Harman’s ideology that “Freedom that is not equal is not freedom” does not match up with the Biblical teaching of what freedom actually is. Sadly a lot of American Christians over the last century or so have bought into Harman’s false philosophy that everyone must have equal rights or they are being treated as less than human or in an unjust manner.
The Bible actually teaches that there are several classes of people to whom God gives different rights. The slave class was the lowest social class and contrary to assertions otherwise God did give slaves rights(Exodus 20:10, Exodus 21:26-28, Job 31:13-15 & Colossians 4:1) .
The Bible teaches that slaves were to be taken care of and treated justly and fairly by their masters. It tells masters that just as they came from their mother’s womb, so too did their slaves reminding them to treat them as fellow human beings. The Bible condemned masters who killed their slaves and if they seriously injured their slaves they were required by God to grant freedom to those slaves.
So in this way the slave class of the Bible actually formulates basic human rights under God’s law. Every social class above the slave class has these same rights and then more rights. Other Biblical social classes include indentured male and female servants, children, slave wives(concubines), free wives and finally free men. Free men had the most rights of any social class under God’s order.
Even in the New Testament slaves are still commanded to obey their masters and the Apostle Paul even returned a runaway slave(Philemon 1:10-18). Wives are still commanded to submit to their husbands(Ephesians 5:22-24) and children are still commanded to obey their parents(Ephesians 6:1-3) clearly proving that these social classes remain as part of God’s order.
The point is that the Bible in direct contradiction to Moses Harman and the modern American philosophy that “Freedom that is not equal is not freedom” shows us that freedom is not in fact based in equality.
God calls slaves “freedmen” in the sense that they were spiritually free but yet he told them to accept their earthly position as slaves while if they could be free to take that opportunity.
“20 Each man must remain in that condition in which he was called. 21 Were you called while a slave? Do not worry about it; but if you are able also to become free, rather do that. 22 For he who was called in the Lord while a slave, is the Lord’s freedman; likewise he who was called while free, is Christ’s slave. 23 You were bought with a price; do not become slaves of men. 24 Brethren, each one is to remain with God in that condition in which he was called.”
I Corinthians 7:20-24 (NASB)
For more on what the Bible actually says about slavery see my article “Why Christians should not be ashamed of slavery in the Bible“.
But in the context of the discussion of this article – men and women do not have the same rights and freedoms under God’s law yet they are both considered to be free. God does not base our human value on our equal rights and freedoms with one another – but instead he bases it on the fact that we were created for his honor and glory and our value comes from fulfilling the role he has given us to play.
Isn’t it Selfish For a Man to Have Sex With His Wife When She is Not in The Mood?
Now some Christians at this point may be asking “Even though men and women have different rights under God’s law, isn’t it a selfish desire for a man to want sex with his wife when she tells him she is not in the mood?” One of the most popular articles I ever wrote on the blog addresses that topic and it is entitled “Is a husband selfish for having sex with his wife when she is not the mood?” I hope you will take the time to read it with an open heart and an open mind. The answer I show from the Scriptures in that article is NO it is not selfish for a man to desire sex with his wife when she is not in the mood.
The Giving and Taking of Women in Marriage
Now I will demonstrate from the Scriptures that God’s law regarding a woman’s consent to sexual activity does not resolve around her choice, but rather it is based in God’s consent and the consent of the men whom he has placed in authority over women.
We start with the fact that God has granted ownership to a father over his daughter. Under God’s law, a father could sell his daughter as an indentured servant (Exodus 21:7-11) with the possibility that his daughter could become a wife to the man or a son of the man she was sold to.
In fact, in the Scriptures there is a consistent teaching that women are GIVEN in marriage (mostly by their fathers) and TAKEN in marriage by their husbands.
God commanded men to take wives for themselves and to give their daughters in marriage and take wives for their sons as well:
“Take ye wives, and beget sons and daughters; and take wives for your sons, and give your daughters to husbands, that they may bear sons and daughters; that ye may be increased there, and not diminished.”
Jeremiah 29:6 (KJV)
Jesus recognizing this principle of men taking women in marriage and women being given in marriage stated:
“For in the resurrection they neither marry, nor are given in marriage, but are as the angels of God in heaven.”
Matthew 22:30 (KJV)
So yes ladies – that cute tradition of a father walking his daughter down the isle and giving his daughter away in marriage is not just tradition – it is by the command of God and has been practiced in one form or another since the beginning of creation.
Now that we have shown the ownership of the father over his daughter we will now discuss the ownership of a husband over his wife.
The sad fact is many Christians in American society refuse to accept that the Bible is crystal clear in its language that marriage is in fact a transfer of ownership of a daughter from her father to her husband.
The Hebrew Word ‘baal’ meaning “owner/master” in noun form or “to be owned” in verb form is often used when referring to a woman’s husband and it is always used when speaking of marriage occurring between a man and woman. While there are many Old Testament examples that prove this the follow passage from the book of Deuteronomy demonstrates the noun and verb uses of ‘baal’ and the ownership of a husband over his wife:
“If a man be found lying with a woman married [‘baal’ verb “owned by”] to an husband[‘baal’ noun “owner”], then they shall both of them die, both the man that lay with the woman, and the woman: so shalt thou put away evil from Israel.”
Deuteronomy 22:22 (KJV)
Ephesians 5:22-31 clearly states that God created marriage to be a model of the relationship of God to his people with man representing God and woman representing the people of God. In the Old Testament this was pictured in God’s marriage to Israel and in the New Testament this is pictured in Christ’s relationship to his Church.
The fact is that even in Christ’s relationship to his Church it is clear that he “purchased” his bride (Acts 20:28) as all other husbands had since the beginning of creation.
Many Christian feminists while proudly claiming that men should follow Ephesians 5:25’s admonition for husbands to love their wives AS Christ loved the Church then in the same breath deny what the verses in front of it just said that the husband is the head of the wife AS Christ is the head of the Church and that wives are to submit to their husbands AS the Church submits to Christ. Ladies – you can’t have your cake and eat it too. You can’t take one part of what God says about his design for marriage in Ephesians chapter 5 while rejecting the other parts of it. You take it all or you reject it all.
A Biblical Case Study in Sexual Consent
In the book of Exodus, we find a very interesting case study into the mind of God regarding the issue of sexual consent.
“16 And if a man entice a maid that is not betrothed, and lie with her, he shall surely endow her to be his wife. 17 If her father utterly refuse to give her unto him, he shall pay money according to the dowry of virgins.”
Exodus 22:16-17 (KJV)
In verse 16 we are told that if a man entices a virgin (literally he seduces her) into having sexual relations with him we are told he has an obligation to make her his wife which would require him to enter into a covenant of marriage with her. But then in verse 17 we read that God allows the father to “utterly refuse to give her unto him”.
When you look closely these two verses handle two different situations. The first verse covers “Casanovas” or what we today would call “players”. The second verse covers the “forbidden love” scenario.
God Condemns the Scheming Ways of Casanovas and Players
When the Bible commanded that the man must make the woman he enticed into extramarital relations his wife this was civil punishment and restitution that had to be made for his breaking of God’s moral law. This covers the Casanova who tries to have that “one-night stand” with a woman. This covers the playboy who thinks he can seduce women into having sex with him outside of a covenant of marriage.
So, in this first scenario the man had no intention of marrying the woman – he just wanted to get some and he may have used all kinds of emotional trickery on the woman to convince her into having sex with him. He may even have told her he loved her and wanted to ask her father’s hand in marriage. He just wants a “taste” of the goods and then he will ask her father – or so he told her.
The next day after she naively gives herself to him he acts as if it never happened leaving her with the loss of her virginity and ruining her for other men. This is the situation God was meaning to address by forcing the man to marry the woman he had just enticed.
Most men and women would call this first man I have just described a pig. We would all be equally disgusted by his deceitful actions toward these young virgins while at the same time we must recognize these women also sinned by allowing him to entice them into sexual relations outside of a marriage covenant.
God Also Condemns Forbidden Love
But in verse 17 we see another scenario God is addressing. This is a scenario that has played out in many “romance” stories over the years. Perhaps a daughter comes to her father and tells him of a cute young man that she wishes for him to arrange marriage for her to. Her father refuses. His reason might be character issues with the man or it might simply be economic issues. The father may have told his daughter that he had a few other men in mind that were wealthier and could care for her better than this man she is attracted to. Perhaps her marriage to one of these other men will provide a political or business alliance that will benefit her father. She tells her father “but I am not attracted to any of those men and I love this other man”.
Her father puts his foot down and tells his daughter “Enough! You are not marrying that man and I will hear no more of it. I will let you know which of these other men I have chosen for you shortly.” So, the daughter decides to take things into her own hands. She decides she will go and have sex with the man she loves (lusts after) believing her father will be forced to give her to him in marriage. Perhaps this man who also wants her for his wife has planted the idea in her head that her father will give her to him rather than refuse and risk her never marrying.
So, she comes to the man whom her father has refused and gives herself to the man who has so desperately wanted her. At this point in the story most women and even a lot of men – Christian men and women would be rooting for the poor girl as she should have been able to chose the man she wanted right? WRONG. The young virgin woman had absolutely NO right under God’s law to consent to sexual relations with that man. This entire scheme would be wicked before God.
This is why God grants father’s the right of refusal even if a man entices their daughter into sexual relations which means she has freely given herself to him (she was not forced). This part of God’s law would work as deterrent to women who thought they could control their own sexuality or control what man they would marry.
This law taught women “If you give yourself to a man outside of lawfully approved marriage by your father – you might end up an old maid that never marries”. So, a woman would be faced with this scenario – “Do I want to risk my father saying no because I sinned against him and God and risk being single the rest of my life or will I simply follow my father’s wishes and marry a man I am not attracted to but at least I will not be alone and I will have a husband and children?”
Men Can Make Women’s Virginity Precious Again
The sad commentary on our time is that a woman’s virginity is no longer the precious commodity to our culture that God declared it to be in the Scriptures. Women have no fear that losing their virginity could relegate them to a lonely life with no marriage and no children as the women in the Bible feared.
We as Christians and especially young men and have allowed this to occur. In the same way we men allowed feminism to rise we gave up the preciousness of a woman’s virginity by dating women who are not virgins. Imagine if every Christian man made a commitment that he would never date or marry a woman who was not virgin unless her virginity was lost under these conditions:
- It was lost to her husband who died.
- It was lost to her husband from whom she was divorced (and she was the innocent party).
- It was lost because she was raped.
Would this not motivate young women to greatly guard their sexual purity? And yes, I know what all the egalitarians are saying – “what about the men?” Could these same rules be applied to men in order to promote sexual purity among young men as well? I think the answer is yes with the caveat that under Biblical law men may not be virgins when they marry a woman because they can have more than one wife. But that is part of a larger discussion on polygamy which I have had elsewhere. Another caveat in applying this to men is that as we have discussed in regard to young virgins living in their father’s home it is not the daughter that sets criteria for potential spouses but the father.
And just to be clear on this passage from Exodus – the man being forced to marry the woman he enticed to have sex with him and also the payment of the bride price even if the father refused were part of the civil laws of Israel. These were restitutions that had to be made for breaking God’s moral law in either of the two scenarios we just described.
That’s just the Old Testament!
There are many Christians right now that have completely tuned out everything I have just written with the following thought in their head:
“Well that is just Old Testament and we as Christians are no longer under the Old Testament so Christian fathers have no right over their daughters sexual or marriage choices! Do you still stone people for adultery and do you still eat pork? If you don’t do these things then don’t talk to me about fathers control over their daughter’s decisions with their own bodies and their own lives. These decisions are between women and God.”
If you actually want to understand how the Bible works and the difference between the moral, ceremonial and civil laws of Israel and the fact that the Jesus Christ himself asserted the moral laws of the Old Testament I encourage you to read these articles I have written on the subject.
What is the distinction between the Moral, Ceremonial and Civil laws of the Old Testament?
What are the Moral Laws of God in the Old Testament?
The sad commentary on our time is that David S. D’Amato is absolutely right that our society has almost completely embraced the ideologies of Moses Harman with the big exception of his anarchist views. Feminists and Free Lovers actually went the opposite way on government and used the power of government to impose their views on American society.
Harman’s views of Christianity, men and women, gender roles and marriage which were considered “insane” a little more than a century ago are now “taken for granted” as truths that may no longer be questioned.
In the beginning of this article I alluded to Daphne Merkin’s statement in her New York Times article that “Expressing sexual interest is inherently messy…” in our modern American culture and I said I would explain at the end of this article why God’s appointed method of men and women expressing sexual interest is not messy at all but actually it is very easy when we do things his way.
Previously I alluded to several important passages of the Scriptures that directly speak to sex in marriage and they are Exodus 21:10, Proverbs 5:18-19, I Corinthians 7:2-5 and Ephesians 5:22-24.
Proverbs 5:18-19 teaches that a husband is commanded by God to sexually satisfy himself with his wife’s body at all times. Exodus 21:10 teaches that a husband has an obligation to provide his wife sexual access to his body. I Corinthians 7:2-5 teaches that in marriage sex is both a right and responsibility for both the husband and the wife. Ephesians 5:22-24 teaches that wives are to submit to their husbands in everything and that includes their husband’s sexual preferences as long as he does not ask them to engage in sinful sexual acts (I gave the example a husband asking his wife to have sex with another man as an example of a sinful sexual request).
I also talked about God’s process for how men and women are to enter into sexual relations. I showed how God only consents to a man and woman having sexual relations in the covenant of marriage. I also showed God’s process for men and women entering into marriage after which they are allowed and are in fact commanded to have sexual relations with one another.
In modern America men have to flirt with women, flatter women or otherwise try and romance them to even have a chance of having having sex with them. It is actually a very risky proposition for men and in the advent of the MeToo era it is even riskier as it might cost you your job. It truly is a “messy” process as Daphne Merkin calls it.
But in God’s design men did not have to flirt with women, flatter women or romance them to get them to have sex with them but rather they purchased the women they desired as Christ purchased his Church in Acts 20:28.
This was the process under normal conditions. A man went to the woman’s father and expressed his interest in his daughter. If he agreed to give his daughter to the man the man would return and present the bride price at which time the father would give his daughter to the man and he would then consummate the marriage by taking her sexually as his wife. From that point on he would take his wife sexually anytime he pleased and the wife would also have sexual access to his body as well.
A little note on the bride price. While a man did not literally have to die to purchase his wife as Christ did to acquire his Church many men often had to save a half a years wages to purchase a wife. That could take them several years to save. The Bible tells us of Jacob that he purchased Rachel by giving sevens years of labor to her father:
“And Jacob served seven years for Rachel; and they seemed unto him but a few days, for the love he had to her.”
Genesis 29:20 (KJV)
The Bible tells us that Rachel was a beautiful woman and her sister was something other than “beautiful and well favoured”.
“Leah was tender eyed; but Rachel was beautiful and well favoured.“
Genesis 29:17 (KJV)
The Hebrew phrase that is translated as “beautiful and well favoured” in the KJV is not as literal to Hebrew text. In the Hebrew it it reads yâpheh[beautiful,lovely,fair] tô’ar [form, figure, shape] yâpheh[beautiful,lovely,fair] mar’eh[sight, vision, appearance]. So when we take this phrase together it said Rachel had “a beautiful figure and was lovely to look at”. In modern terms we would say “Rachel had a hot body and was easy on the eyes”.
So apparently Rachel was so hot that Jacob served not one year or two years but seven years to purchase her as his wife!
But as we can see with God’s method of men and women entering into sexual relations with one another there is no mess, no fuss and no games. Some might argue that there was in fact a game that was played by Laban when he tricked Jacob into taking Leah as his wife first. But that was a false contract and was sin before God. Regardless though Jacob being a noble man still kept Leah as his wife.
The point is it is a lot less complicated than what Daphne Merkin described as the MeToo movement’s goal of sex as “the childhood game of “Mother, May I?”.
What that means in practical terms is since I married my wife I can come touch her sexually any time I want. If I want to come up behind her in the kitchen and cup her breasts in my hands as she washes the dishes I can do that. I don’t have to ask her permission to do so. If I want to slide my hands down her thighs and touch her groin area I don’t have to ask her permission to do so. If I want to slap her on the rear end as I walk by her, again I don’t have to ask her permission to do so. And finally, if I want to initiate sexual relations with her I don’t have to ask her permission before doing so.
In the same way if my wife wants to come by and grab my groin she has every right to do so as my wife. If she wants to come by and slap me on the rear end she has every right to do so. If while I am sleeping in the morning my wife decides to get on top of me and start having sex with me she has every right to do so as God has given her sexual access to my body.
Now we also understand that there is a Biblical caveat to our sexual access to our spouse’s body in that we are to care for the wellbeing of our spouse (Ephesians 5:28-29). That means as Christians we can rightly condemn the actions of the husband who forces himself on his wife after surgery or child birth and thus endangers her by do so but at the same time we can uphold a husband’s right to have sex with his wife even if she may simply not be in the mood.
My point is if we enter into sexual relations following God’s design there is absolutely no chance of sexual harassment ever happening. It is impossible for me to grope my wife (because she belongs to me) or for her to grope me (because God has given her sexual access to my body). There is no messiness to sex in marriage when we remove the world’s evil ideas about sexual consent.
It is only when we bring the tenets of sexual consent ideology into sexual relations in marriage that sexual initiation then becomes “messy”. If a husband has his hand slapped away by his wife she is sinfully making sexual initiation “messy” for her husband and sadly many women do that today. If a husband would rather look at porn and masturbate than have sex when his wife reaches for him that makes sexual initiation “messy” for his wife.
And finally, on this topic of sexual consent – I have demonstrated here with conclusive proof that both in their origins and their agendas that the Sexual Consent and Free Love movements were founded in evil philosophies that were directly opposed to the God of the Bible and God’s institution of marriage.
God does not consent to two men or two women having sexual relations with one another even if they have given their “free” and “enthusiastic” consent to one another.
God does not give his consent to a man and woman having sexual relations with one another because they have both freely and enthusiastically given consent to one another.
God ONLY gives his consent to a man and woman having sexual relations when they have lawfully entered into a marriage covenant according the Scriptures. Once a man and woman have entered into the covenant of marriage, not only does God consent to them having sexual relations but he commands it.
As Christians we would agree with the MeToo movement that men should not be making unwanted sexual advances in the work place or implying that their female coworkers or subordinates need to perform sexual acts to get promotions or keep their jobs.
But while we agree with MeToo that these actions by men are wrong – we very much disagree as to WHY these actions are wrong. MeToo following the false Sexual Consent ideology says these unwanted sexual advances are wrong because they violate a woman’s consent. For MeToo – if the woman expressed clear consent to having sexual relations with a coworker or even her boss then there is no wrong committed by the man in responding to her.
However, for us as Bible believing Christians a man making unwanted sexual advances toward a woman he is not married to whether in the workplace or elsewhere is wrong not because it violates the woman’s consent, but because it violates God’s consent to him having sexual relations with that woman.
We can all agree that physical abuse does occur in some marriages even if we might debate what actually constitutes physical abuse. Also as Christians we can agree that Ephesians 5:28-29 condemns husbands physically abusing their wives. But as Christians we may never classify any physical abuse in marriage as rape because the false construct of marital rape implies that a wife may reject her husband’s sexual advances.
The Scriptures show that a woman may only resist a man’s sexual advances if she is not married to him and in the case of the man not being married to her she is required to resist his advances. That is why from a Biblical perspective a woman’s consent to sexual relations is really an oxymoron. Before marriage she has no choice but to say NO and after marriage she has no choice but to say YES.
It is not the woman’s consent that matters, it is Gods.
55 thoughts on “It is Not a Woman’s Consent That Matters, It is God’s”
That has been my argument this entire time when referring to the concept of consent in marriage. I think foreplay is clear consent because it typically leads to sex or a sexual activity of some sort. There is the sex and the moments that lead up to sex, so walking up to your wife unexpectedly and shoving it in should not be something that men see as a benevolent act for the good of the marriage. We should never give a response that sends a message of disgust but asking for a period of time to prepare or the rare rain check should not be consider an act of treachery. From what I have gathered from this article and some comments they are not advocating for using force to get sex from their wives but even if they did take that kind of action we can’t be upset about it anyway. So as submissive wives the best way to never put ourselves in a situation where we would feel like he has a crossed a major line, just do it. Our feelings are secondary and can clearly be disregarded when it comes to this so to avoid a potentially traumatic situation just do it. So yes ma’am your husband can shove his member down your throat.
I don’t recall ever seeing BGR write that husbands have the right to shove their members down their wife’s throat if she says no. From what I understand, a husband may take disciplinary measures towards a sexually refusing wife. He may make up for her refusal with certain kinds of pornography and/or masturbation (correct me if I am wrong, BGR)(I don’t agree with the porn part, but I do agree with the masturbation part). A rising number of Christians believe sexual refusal is grounds for divorce, too. But not refusal of outside-of-intercourse sexual acts.
But, I do not see where a husband can just pin his wife down, tie her up, and have his way with her.
My husband and I are always grabbing, groping, and shoving body parts on each other. He’ll grab me as I walk by and dry hump me. I’ll jump in his lap and shove my chest in his face. All aggressive, forceful moves. However, if he tells me to knock it off, I will. If I jump on him and he says “not tonight,” I leave him alone.
I have had to tell him to please stop jostling me because I was experiencing dizziness or nausea or a bad headache at the time, and he respects that. What loving husband wouldn’t? Just last week I had to ask him to please give me a little more time to sleep before we had sex. He agreed….(I only lasted 5 minutes before the prospect of sex got me going, so he didn’t have to wait long).
When I was younger, I was touched inappropriately repeatedly by a young man. My husband has touched me very similarly and it used to tick me off. It reminded me of that young man and I felt those icky feelings all over again. Until i decided that young man had no right to have a lasting affect on me, and no right to monkey with my martiage 20 years later. So, I took that touch from that young man in my memory and I gave it to its rightful owner-my husband! How much better that is than telling my husband to stop touching me like that because it reminded me of a hashtag metoo incident in my life.
I really want to commend you for how you handled this with your husband. So many women(my mother included) punished their husbands through severely limiting or just not allowing themselves to fully enjoy their sex life with their husbands because of past sexual trauma. My mother had to learn to let go of what happened to her and realize my Dad was not that other man but instead her husband who loved her. Far too many women use past sexual trauma as excuse to limit their lives with their husbands and this is not right before God.
I know you are probably more interested in my opinion on the “husband shoving his member down his wife’s throat” conversation but I wanted to commend you separately here for this and it not be lost on our conversation. I will respond this other issue separately as it is going to be larger explanation on my part.
A lot of the questions that are being asked I will actually be answering in a new article so I don’t want to give half answers here. I want you to have the complete picture first. I had already planned it as a followup to this article on consent before you and Tamara asked the questions you have been asking. I think it will answer them all. While I did hit hard in this article on the fact that forced sex in the context of marriage cannot be classified as rape the primary purpose was to speak on consent. In this followup article I will build on these principles about consent and specifically target the topic of forced sex in marriage.
This has all been part of an intense study I have been doing over the past month on consent and then sex in marriage and spiders into others areas of marriage as well. I have always prayed that God would continue to remove my cultural filters and lenses and over the years he has. He has done it yet again with this study that he prompted me to take because of the MeToo movement. Some of what God has shown me in his Word as he peeled back more of my American cultural prejudices will causes me to have to go back and edit some of my articles and one article I will have to completely rewrite. I should probably have this done in a day or so.
Women need to embrace their role not reject it. Their husband’s sexual needs should be priority. If not society will fail. Fathers and mothers need to teach and enforce it, celebrate it and model it. A woman’s greatest role is to be her husband’s biggest cheerleader and be there to please him,comfort him,and give him a family. I honestly believe that this is the only way for survival, it’s in the Bible for a reason!