Every time a woman argues with her husband she sins against God. Period.
1 Peter 3:1-2 (NASB) shows us that it is sinful for a woman to argue with her husband:
“In the same way, you wives, be subject to your own husbands so that even if any of them are disobedient to the word, they may be won over without a word by the behavior of their wives, as they observe your pure and respectful behavior.”
But women, like men, are sinful creatures. The question is, how should a husband handle it when his wife engages in the sin of arguing with him?
Biblical Ways To Deal With Your Wife’s Argumentativeness
In the Bible, God demonstrated how he dealt with his rebellious wife Israel and how Christ dealt with sin in his churches. He also gives advice to men in the book of Proverbs for how to deal with a contentious wife.
In Proverbs 21:9 (KJV) the Bible says “It is better to dwell in a corner of the housetop, than with a brawling woman in a wide house”.
Sometimes a husband may choose to take a drive or go to his mancave when his wife is being contentious with him.
In Isaiah 59:2 (KJV) God said to his wife, Israel, “But your iniquities have separated between you and your God, and your sins have hid his face from you, that he will not hear”.
Sometimes a husband may choose to emulate God’s treatment of his rebellious wife Israel and give his wife the silent treatment when she has been argumentative with him.
In Revelation 3:19 (KJV), Christ said to his churches after rebuking them “As many as I love, I rebuke and chasten: be zealous therefore, and repent”.
Sometimes rather than walking away from his argumentative wife, a man may choose too emulate Christ’s rebuke and chastisement of his churches and choose to rebuke and chastise his wife.
God says in Ephesians 5:28-29 (KJV) that men must provide for the needs of their wives.
But that doesn’t mean she is entitled to eat at her favorite restaurants or buy the latest fashions in clothing or an have open credit line. These things can be removed as an act of chastisement.
How can a husband know which action to take in the face of his wife’s argumentativeness?
The answer comes down to how she receives discipline from her husband. Does she accept his right to rebuke and chastise her? Or does she resist and deny his rights as husband?
If a wife is submissive to her husband’s rebuke and chastisement, whether it be CDD or other non-physical means of discipline, then he should use those means as he sees fit.
However, if a man has a wife who completely rejects his right to rebuke and chastise her and if she will not cease her contentions with him, then the best course of action is for him to follow the advice of Proverbs 21:9 and remove himself from her presence.
To find out more about non-physical and physical discipline from a Biblical perspective listen to my podcast series below on these subjects.
On the far left we hear “progressive” Christian teachers telling men they need to get more in touch with their feminine sides. They literally encourage men to act more like women, including crying more like women do.
However, on the far right we actually have some masculinity teachers telling men it is unmasculine to cry or shed a tear – ever. Some far right masculinity teachers who claim men should not cry will say if they do cry, it should never ever be in front of women and especially their wives. They even shame men for crying at the funeral of departed loves ones, their weddings or the birth of their children.
Both sides are wrong.
The far left is wrong in saying that men should allow themselves to express their emotions more as well as their fears and concerns just as women do.
In several passages below, the Bible actually insults men by saying they are acting like women.
“The mighty men of Babylon have forborn to fight, they have remained in their holds: their might hath failed; they became as women: they have burned her dwellingplaces; her bars are broken.”
Jeremiah 51:30 (KJV)
“In that day shall Egypt be like unto women: and it shall be afraid and fear because of the shaking of the hand of the Lord of hosts, which he shaketh over it.”
Isaiah 19:16 (KJV)
“Behold, thy people in the midst of thee are women: the gates of thy land shall be set wide open unto thine enemies: the fire shall devour thy bars.”
Nahum 3:13 (KJV)
Rather than acting more like women, the Bible gives men the following exhortation:
“Be on the alert, stand firm in the faith, act like men, be strong.”
1 Corinthians 16:13 (NASB)
My point here is that the Bible makes it very clear that men are to have greater control over their emotions than women do. Therefore it would be right to say that men should be far less expressive with their emotions than women are.
But then we come to the other extreme. We have the far right masculinity teachers claiming men should never shed a tear, even at the death of a loved one and certainly not in the presence of women.
The problem with this teaching is that such a teaching would condemn the manliest man that ever lived – Jesus Christ!
In John 11:35 (KJV) the Bible says “Jesus wept“. Jesus did this in the context of the death of his friend Lazarus, the brother of Mary and Martha. He saw their sorrow, and even while knowing he would raise Lazarus, their sorrow evoked great sorrow him which he expressed before these women.
And in Luke 19:41 (KJV) the Bible says “And when he was come near, he beheld the city, and wept over it”. Jesus wept before a crowd of both men and women over the destruction he knew was coming to Jerusalem.
The Bible passages we have just shown prove that both extremes on this issue of men crying are wrong.
Should men cry as often as women? Of course not. The Bible shames men for acting like women in any fashion, and crying a lot is a feminine trait, not a masculine one.
However, the Scriptures do tell us in Ecclesiastes 3:4 that there is “A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance”. There is no shame in a man shedding tears of sorrow at the death of a friend or family member and there is no shame in a man shedding tears at his wedding as he exchanges vows with his bride or at the birth of his children.
Real men don’t cry all the time, but they do cry sometimes.
Should a husband invite “critical feedback” from his wife as to how she would rate him as a man, a husband and a father? Specifically, should he invite her to point out areas where she thinks he may be going wrong as a man, a husband and a father and where he needs to improve?
This is what Brian Sauvé, Pastor of Refuge Church in Ogden, Utah recommends that husbands do with their wives.
Let me first say before I continue that like me, Brian Sauvé is a big proponent of Biblical Patriarchy. And I agree with many things he writes.
In a Twitter post on January 2, 2023 Sauvé wrote the following:
“Men, your wife should have your explicit permission to give you critical feedback in private.
One of the most important aspects of successfully wielding authority is to make it easy to learn where you could improve.
A wise, respectful wife is a gift – don’t squander her help.”
Sauvé then went on to clarify these comments in one of his podcasts. He compared wives being able to offer critical feedback to their husbands to church members being able to bring criticisms they have of elders and military officers bringing criticisms to their superior officers.
He also said that Pastors or elders of the church were like “referees” over the marriages in their churches and were there to call “call balls and strikes” between husbands and wives when they had marital issues and disagreements.
Sauvé qualified his recommendation that a wife should give “critical feedback” to their husband in private and in a respectful manner.
Should Men Invite Critical Feedback from Their Wives?
The Bible does not say in Proverbs 27:17 “Iron sharpeneth iron; so a wife sharpeneth the countenance of her husband.” It says men sharpen men. And women are sharpened by fathers, husbands and other godly women. Women are not called to shape and sharpen their husbands.
In his podcast on this subject, Sauvé gave examples of the ability of church members to be able to bring criticisms against elders and subordinate military officers to bring criticisms against their superior officers. But marriage is a completely different kind of hierarchical relationship than those relationships he cites.
1 Peter 3:1-2 is crystal clear on how a wife should handle it when she feels her husband is being disobedient to God’s Word whether in their marriage or in other parts of his life. She is to win him with her subjection and her pure behavior, not her “critical feedback”.
His suggestion in his podcast that if wives feel their husbands are not open to their “critical feedback” that they should bring it to their pastor to speak to the husband also violates 1 Peter 3:1-2. The only thing wives should bring to their pastors is serious physical abuse.
The Scriptures never appoint Pastors or elders of the church as “referees” over the marriages in their churches to do as Sauvé says and “call balls and strikes”. Only if it is a matter of gross sin (physical abuse or molestation of children) should a pastor step in and intercede in a marriage.
Should Christian men regularly meet with other godly men and share in their marriage issues and hear “critical feedback” from other men? Absolutely! We as men need that. It helps us to be better husbands, fathers and men.
Am I saying women can’t give advice to their husbands?
Of course not. Proverbs 31:26 says “She openeth her mouth with wisdom; and in her tongue is the law of kindness”. We as men should welcome advice from our wives. But advice is very different than correction.
Especially as it relates to the day-to-day issues with our children or the domestic affairs of the home, we as husbands should welcome advice from our wives. We should welcome suggestions from our wives.
But the fact remains that 1 Peter 3:1-2 leaves absolutely no room for a wife to verbally correct her husband. It does not say “criticize him sparingly” or “criticize him respectfully in private”. A wife wins her husband with her actions, not her words. This is the teaching of the Bible.
Far too many men today find themselves in sexless marriages. But the Bible has answers to this problem.
The sad reality is that many Christian churches have adopted the worldly approach to sex. They take the approach that a man must earn each and every sexual encounter with his wife. That he is required to make sure she is “enthusiastically in the mood” each and every time they have sex or else he is “raping” his wife. And he must find new and creative ways of constantly making her in the mood and finding ways to make her want sex with him. Because after all, sex is all about a man pleasing a woman.
The idea of a man simply coming home after a hard day’s work and sweeping his wife off her feet and taking her to the back bedroom to have sex is considered a “misogynistic relic of the past”. No sir. If a man wants sex – his day is just getting started when he gets home from work. He needs to do things around the house and find ways to put his wife in the mood. In fact, he needs to do things around the house and not expect sex at all. He needs to “prove” to her that he is doing all these things just because he loves her and make her feel “safe” that he does not just want her for sex.
And a lot of young men today have been convinced by our culture that what I just said above is right. They have been conditioned to believe that they are wrong if they ever pressure their wife to have sex when she is not in the mood – that it is their duty to make her “enthusiastically in the mood” and if she simply does not want it then they should not want it either.
But here is the truth. Because men have 10 times more testosterone flowing through their bodies than their wives do, they will typically want sex far more often than their wife does. So when the man wants sex and his wife is not in the mood one of them has to fake it. One of them has to pretend.
Either the woman has to pretend that she is ok with having sex when she is not in the mood or the man has to pretend he is ok with with not being able to have sex when he is in the mood. There is no escaping this dilemma without someone pretending.
So who does the Bible say should do the pretending in this situation where one spouse wants sex and the other does not? The answer is found in 1 Corinthians 7:3-5 (KJV):
“3 Let the husband render unto the wife due benevolence: and likewise also the wife unto the husband. 4 The wife hath not power of her own body, but the husband: and likewise also the husband hath not power of his own body, but the wife. 5 Defraud ye not one the other, except it be with consent for a time, that ye may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again, that Satan tempt you not for your incontinency.”
Does the Bible teach sexual consent? You bet it does. But not the kind of sexual consent our modern society believes in. The Bible teaches that a husband and wife must consent to STOP having sex for short time of prayer and fasting. There is absolutely no consent required for a husband or wife to initiate sex with their spouse in marriage. A man or woman are free at anytime to initiate sex with their spouse. That is the clear teaching of God’s Word.
The whole “Its my body, my choice” has no place in Biblical Christianity.
1 Corinthians 7:3 uses two key words which are “render” and “due“. The Christian view of sex is that it is a duty in marriage that is owed or rendered. In other words, sex is both a right and a responsibility in marriage according to the Bible.
The Bible goes further with the woman’s obligation to not only give her body to her husband, but states that the husband is be “ravished” by his wife in Proverbs 5:18-19 (KJV):
“18 Let thy fountain be blessed: and rejoice with the wife of thy youth. 19 Let her be as the loving hind and pleasant roe; let her breasts satisfy thee at all times; and be thou ravished always with her love.”
To be ravished is to be sexually intoxicated. The woman is to sexually intoxicate her husband with her body and her sexual enthusiasm for him.
A lot of churches teach a false and woman pleasing version of Proverbs 5:18-19. They teach that it is saying a man should be content with whatever his wife gives him sexually. But that is not what it is saying at all.
The Hebrew word translated as “satisfy” is ravah which literally means “to drink one’s fill”. It does not meant to be content, it means to take your fill of someone or something. In this case, it commands men to sexually take their fill of their wives. And the Hebrew word translated as “ravished” is shagah which means “to be intoxicated” and in this context it means to be sexually intoxicated with and by one’s wife.
The Bible does not just tell men to have sex with their wives or for wives to just make themselves sexually available. It says men are to use their wives bodies to satisfy all their sexual desires and that wives are to act in ways toward their husbands that they know will be sexually pleasing to them.
Some may oppose the idea of a man “using” his wife sexually claiming that this is men treating their wives as “sex objects”. Well I hate to burst your bubble, but the Bible does teach that women are sex objects. In Romans 1:27 the Bible calls sex “the natural use of the woman”.
The world and most churches today present a false dichotomy to men that they can either see women as people or as sex objects. The Bible teaches men that they can, do and should see women as BOTH people and sex objects. An object is something that has mass and can be seen and touched. Therefore both men and women are objects. And women are objects that men can have sex with. Therefore women are indeed sex objects.
A man seeing a woman as both a person and a sex object means he recognizes that she is human being like him, a person who has feelings and desires like him. The problem is that the modern world and the modern church teach that a woman’s feelings determine whether sex is moral or not. If the woman desires sex, than the sex is moral. If she does not desire sex, and the man makes her have sex when she is not the mood – then it is immoral.
This is why the world thinks it is perfectly fine for a couple to have sex before marriage. Because a woman’s feelings and desire for sex is all that is required to make it moral. So the church today takes a hybrid version of this worldly approach to sex and says a woman must be in the mood and married for the sex to be moral.
But the Bible teaches this principle – it is not a woman’s consent that matters, it is God’s.
The Bible says the following in Hebrews 13:5 (KJV):
“Marriage is honourable in all, and the bed undefiled: but whoremongers and adulterers God will judge.”
God does not consent to sex before marriage and God does consent to sex within marriage.
When you as a husband fully grasp all the Biblical concepts I have just given it will free you to understand the following concept.
A weak husband whines for it. A godly husband takes what is his.
I can hear the screams now “You can’t say that! This is the modern world! We don’t believe in such archaic concepts! That’s marital rape!” No friends. That’s the Bible.
When you as a man come to the realization that God does not require you to earn each sexual encounter with your wife, that she is yours to take whenever you so desire her – it will change how you approach marriage. Knowing you don’t have to beg for or earn sex with your wife frees you to do kind things for her, not to get sex, but just because you want demonstrate your love for her.
So, if you occasionally step in to help with the dishes or with dinner or do that project around the house she has been asking for – it’s not to earn sex with her. It’s just an act of kindness and love to her with no strings attached. And when you cuddle up with her on the couch and watch a movie she likes or take her to her favorite restaurant for dinner, it’s not to earn sex. Because you know you can take her anytime you want her.
Some men might reply – “But what if my wife thinks I do have to earn sex with her and I can’t just take her anytime I want to?” The answer is that you must rebuke her and discipline her as Christ does his church.
In Ephesians 5:25-26 the Bible says “Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it; That he might sanctify and cleanse it …” and in Revelation 3:19 Christ says to his churches “As many as I love, I rebuke and chasten…”
Christ did not give himself for his church so that she could do whatever she wanted. He gave himself for his church to cleanse her and make her into the glorious wife he wanted her to be. He uses rebuke and discipline to make his wife obedient and pleasing to himself.
If your wife thinks you have to earn sex with her that is a spiritual spot, a defect in her thinking. The first thing you must do is rebuke and wash her wrong thinking with the Word of God as Christ does his church in Ephesians 5:26-27.
What if rebuke does not work with her? Then chasten her by temporarily removing your time and affection from her just as God did in Isaiah 59:2 when he hid his face and would near his wife Israel because of her rebellion against him.
For a more detailed guide to dealing with a wife who consistently engages in sexual denial for long lengths of time see this article I wrote several years ago “8 steps to confront your wife’s sexual refusal”.
To find out more about the Biblical view of forced sex in marriage and why the concept of “marital rape” does not fit with a Biblical world view see my article “Why the Bible Allows Forced Sex in Marriage“.
Also see my companion podcast where a reader attempted to take me to task on the subject of forced sex in marriage and I answer their objections from the Bible.
Women, not just wives, but women in general are made by God with a need for male headship.
In 1 Corinthians 11:3 the Bible says “But I would have you know, that the head of every man is Christ; and the head of the woman is the man; and the head of Christ is God.” And this is why we are told in 1 Corinthians 11:5-6 & 10 that all women (without any qualification of whether they are married or single) are to wear a head covering when they come to church to worship. This is an acknowledgement not only of man’s higher rank, but of woman’s need for man’s leadership. For a much more detailed discussion on this subject of women wearing head coverings see my article “Why Christian Women Should Wear Head Coverings” which also includes a link to my three part podcast series on this same subject.
The Apostle Paul even speaks of younger widows getting into trouble without male headship in their lives. Before a woman got married, she was under her father’s headship. Her father could refuse to give her to a man in marriage or grant her hand in marriage (Exodus 22:17, Jeremiah 29:6). And her father could cancel any of her decisions or commitments (Numbers 30:5). And when a young woman became a widow – this left her without male headship – a precarious position for any woman, especially younger women. The Apostle Paul encouraged younger women to marry and be under the headship of their husbands in 1 Timothy 5:13-14:
“And withal they learn to be idle, wandering about from house to house; and not only idle, but tattlers also and busybodies, speaking things which they ought not. I will therefore that the younger women marry, bear children, guide the house, give none occasion to the adversary to speak reproachfully.”
The Scriptures are very clear on this point – young women should not be making major life decisions without male headship to guide them.
When a woman has no father or even if she has a father but he is unwillingly or unable to provide spiritual headship in her life, she must seek out a spiritual surrogate for her father, a spiritual man who can guide her.
Where should a woman look for a spiritual surrogate in place of her father? The first place to look is among her own male kin. Does she have a godly grand father or uncle she could go to? Some might ask “What about her brother?” If her brother is significantly older and experienced in life as well as being a spiritual man, he may be able to offer her this spiritual male headship. If he is immature or unspiritual, he won’t be able to help her.
What if a woman has no male relatives that she can look to for spiritual male headship? The next choice would be to seek out an elder man in her church, one who is trusted and respected like a deacon or the pastor.
Still there are some women who will say “My church does not believe in or teach Biblical patriarchy nor do they believe women need male spiritual headship to make these kinds of life decisions. What do I do now?”
If a woman has no male relatives to provide her with spiritual male headship and the churches in her area deny the doctrines of biblical patriarchy in the Bible the only choice she is left with is to seek spiritual male headship remotely.
While seeking a godly man for male headship remotely, a woman should be careful to choose a true Biblical Patriarchist as many men who claim to be Biblical Patriarchists are actually Chivalrous Patriarchists or Complementarians. Ask a man if he believes the husband is the earthly lord of his wife (1 Pet 3:5-6) and if he believes husbands should discipline their wives (Rev 3:19). If he answers no to either of those questions, he is not a true Biblical Patriarchist.
Singleness is not a gift, but rather it is a series of trials that God calls all men and women to face and overcome unless they have the rare gift of celibacy. In this 7-part podcast series, I teach single men and women biblically based techniques that can help them endure the trials of loneliness, lovelessness, childlessness, unmet sexual desire and courtship using biblically based techniques. I also teach singles how to escape the temptations that happen during many of these trials.
Many Christian singles see their sexuality as a burden to bear until they are married because of the teaching in traditional Christian circles that “Your sexuality is reserved for your spouse in marriage”.
But this teaching is unbiblical.
Unfortunately, church teachers for centuries have conflated human sexuality with lust because of false doctrines the early church fathers taught about sex. And some of those wrong beliefs are still very present in the teachings of traditional Christians today.
It is absolutely true that the Bible teaches that sexual relations are reserved for marriage. That means all forms of sexual connection between people whether they be virtual or physical are reserved for marriage.
But our sexuality itself is NOT reserved for marriage.
The Bible shows that our sexuality is a gift from God both before marriage and then in marriage. How is our sexuality a gift before marriage? The answer is because it drives us toward marriage. If we had no sexual desire before marriage – we would not seek marriage!
Our God given sexuality is what drives us to desire sexual relations. It is what causes a man to experience a dopamine rush when he sees a beautiful woman. And it is what causes a woman to experience a dopamine rush when she notices a man looking at her.
When a young man or young woman has a dream about sex while they sleep or they have thoughts about sex while they are awake – all of this is part of God’s design of sexuality in us.
So, the million-dollar question is this. How can a single man or woman process all these dreams, thoughts and sensations that come from their God given sexuality before marriage? This is just one of many questions I answer for singles in my new 7-part podcast series.
In my new 7-part podcast series entitled “Enduring and Overcoming the Trials and Temptations of Singleness”, I teach Christian single men and women how they can endure these five trials:
Loneliness
Lovelessness
Childlessness
Unmet Sexual Desire
Courtship
In this new podcast series, I also teach Christian singles how to escape the temptations of hopelessness, purposelessness, enviousness, bitterness and lust which often accompany the various trials of singleness.
To Listen to this new series click on the link below to go to my podcast site.
Is the romantic approach to sex the only Biblical approach to sex in marriage?
The vast majority of church pastors and Christian teachers today would have Christians believe that a romantic and feminine centric approach to sex is the only approach to sex which God approves of.
Teachings like “Let’s get rid of duty of sex” and “Intercourse is not automatically intimacy” and “Real intimacy requires selflessness” are common teachings on some Christian Masculinity and Femininity Instagram pages.
The common thread in many of these teachings is if men seek sex with their wives in way that is more pleasing for themselves and not as pleasing to their wives that they are being “selfish” and “childish”.
And then we have other Christian Masculinity teachers making the following statements and encouraging their male followers to believe and emulate these statements:
“I don’t need sex from my wife, I don’t care about it, I don’t do anything for it…except be the most attractive version of me, and so therefore she is all over me like white on rice, because this is the standard.”
“You don’t NEED to have sex with your wife, you don’t NEED her to do anything for you…”
I am not arguing that the romantic approach to sex is bad or wrong. In fact, I see in the Scriptures that the romantic approach to sex is actually commanded of husbands.
However, the romantic approach to sex is not the only approach to sex that God commands of husbands toward their wives or of wives toward their husbands. And this is the truth that engaged couples as well as married couples need to understand and accept.
The truth is that the Bible teaches that there are two other approaches to sex in marriage besides the romantic approach and one of these other approaches to sex is actually commanded just like the romantic approach to sex is commanded.
A marriage which only incorporates the romantic feminine centric approach to sex is not honoring God because it does not fulfill all his commands and purposes for sex in marriage.
In my new two-part podcast series entitled “Three Biblical Approaches to Sex In Marriage” I answer these questions and more using Biblical principles, commands and sexual euphemisms:
What are the differences between the masculine and feminine sexual natures?
Do men and women need or just desire sex?
Is there a difference between intercourse and intimacy?
How is sexual selfishness defined?
Is it wrong for a man to see his wife as a sex object?
Is it wrong for a man to grope his wife?
Does a man always have to make sure his wife is in the mood before they have sex?
Is it wrong for a man to ask his wife do sexual things she is not comfortable with?
Is it wrong for a man to have dominant or rough sex with his wife in marriage?
How can husbands determine a proper balance between the three approaches as they seek to lead their wives sexually in marriage?
You click on the link below to go to my podcast site, BGRLearning.com and listen to this two part podcast and hundreds of other podcasts about sex, gender roles and marriage all from a Biblical perspective.
What does the Bible say about anal sex? Is there a difference between Sodomy and anal sex in the Bible or are they one and the same? Is anal sex allowed between a husband and wife in marriage? What are the health risks of anal sex? What if a husband and wife disagree about anal sex? All of these questions are answered in my latest podcast that you can find on BGRLearning.com.
This podcast is designed for engaged, newlywed or even couples who have been together for many years but have never explored this topic of anal sex. The answers to some of these questions above might just surprise you.
Our modern Christian culture actually looks down on and shames women who believe they do not have a right to divorce their husbands for their whoremongering ways. The real shame is not on these women for honoring their marriage covenants, despite their husband’s sinful ways. The real shame is on our modern church for how wrongfully tell them they are “enabling their husband’s sin” by staying.
Recently I received a comment from a woman calling herself Sarah. She wrote this comment in reference to an older article I wrote “Does the Bible Allow Divorce for Adultery?”. And this was her comment:
“This article has given my great comfort. My husband is openly and unrepentantly committing adultery with a teenager in our town. It’s common knowledge that he has rented an apartment where he spends three nights a week with her.
Everyone is telling me to leave him, even my pastor and my conservative Christian family, quoting Matthew to show that Jesus would approve. They claim by not imposing consequences I’m enabling his sin.
This doesn’t seem right to me. I stood at the alter and promised to love honour and obey him in, sickness and in health, till death us do part. Well, open fornication with a teenager sure sounds like a sickness of the soul to me. I’m to do this not because his actions deserve it, but because he is my husband and I am to submit to his authority. It is painful. At times I feel absolutely crippled with jealousy. Especially grueling is submitting to him in the bedroom, knowing how he spent the previous night.
I feel powerless, and ugly, and old, and saggy, and pathetic. But here’s the thing: in this state it’s hard enough to find the strength to be his helpmeet and mother to our three children — WITHOUT also suffering the condemnation of the entire community (much of it behind my back) for not separating. So thank you so much for the validation that I’m behaving in a godly manner.”
My Response to Sarah and Other Women With Whoremongering Husbands
Sarah – first and foremost I am glad that you saw what God’s Word actually says in Matthew 5:32 and Matthew 19:9 and not what you wanted it to say. You saw that God only allows a man “to put away his WIFE” for fornication and that he makes no such allowance for women to put away their husbands for fornication.
Is your husband absolutely wrong in his actions of having an affair with this teenage girl? YES. But we need to be clear on something. He is not committing the sin of adultery; he is committing a different sin, but not the sin of adultery.
Our modern definition of adultery has been made gender-neutral to fit our cultural view that polygamy (or more specifically polygyny) is wrong. The fact is that God rewarded Leah with another child for giving her husband another wife in Genesis 30:18 and God expressly allows polygyny and set rules for its practice in Exodus 21:10-11, Deuteronomy 21:15-17, Deuteronomy 25:5-7. God even pictures himself as a polygamist husband to Judah and Israel in Ezekiel 23:1-5.
And God’s prohibition on bishops and deacons having more than one wife in 1 Timothy 3:2 & 12 is no different than his stricter marriage standards for priests in the Old Testament. For instance, in Ezekiel 44:22 priests were forbidden from marrying divorced women or widows (except widows of other priests) but these restrictions were not binding on the general population of men. So, the idea that because bishops and deacons – church officers – must be the husband of one wife, that all men must be the husband of one wife is absolutely false.
Not let me bring this back to our modern definition of adultery versus the Biblical definition adultery. Biblically speaking there is only one way that a man can commit adultery against his wife and it is not him having sex with another woman. The only way a man can commit adultery against his wife is by him wrongly divorcing her. This is exactly the situation that Christ is addressing. But we have to assemble his statements together to see the full picture.
Matthew 19:3 gives us the full question that the Pharisees of asked of Christ – “The Pharisees also came unto him, tempting him, and saying unto him, Is it lawful for a man to put away his wife for every cause?” The key phrase being “for every cause”. In other words, they were asking “Can a man divorce his wife for any reason he chooses?” And Christ’s answer was NO. He told them that if a man divorces his wife “except it be for fornication” that he “committeth adultery”.
And then in Mark 10:11 Christ said “…Whosoever shall put away his wife, and marry another, committeth adultery against her”. Is Christ saying it is a sin for a man to marry another woman while he is still married? Some of have tried to twist this verse to say that to condemn polygamy. But God allowed polygamy and made no change on that in the New Testament – so we know he is not reversing his former allowance for polygamy. So, what is the sin in marrying another? It is him divorcing his wife to marry another. In other words, the woman he is seeking to marry is insisting on him divorcing his first wife. This scenario is seen in Malachi 2:14.
So if your husband is not committing adultery by having sex with other women then what sin is he committing – the answer is the sin of whoremongering. When a man has sex with women not his wife this is a sin against his own body and against God.
In 1 Corinthians 6:15 & 18 the Bible says “Know ye not that your bodies are the members of Christ? shall I then take the members of Christ, and make them the members of an harlot? God forbid… Flee fornication. Every sin that a man doeth is without the body; but he that committeth fornication sinneth against his own body”. And in Hebrews 13:4 the Bible says “Marriage is honourable in all, and the bed undefiled: but whoremongers and adulterers God will judge”.
Here is my point in all this. You must see your husband’s sin as it is. A sin against God and against his own body. God will judge your husband for his whoremongering, if not in this life, in the life to follow. And you must leave his sin to God and continue to do what is right as a wife.
If you can learn to frame your husband’s sin as the Bible does and not as your feelings as a woman lead you to, it will go a long way to helping you to be a better wife to your husband even as he remains in his sin. Your jealousy toward this other younger woman would disappear overnight if you realized that your husband’s sin is not in merely having sex with another woman, but that it is because he is unlawfully having sex with another woman. In Biblical times your husband could have legally married that teenage girl and taken her as another wife. You would be absolutely wrong and in sin to be jealous of your husband taking another younger wife. I would argue that your jealousy even now, is sin.
You do not own your husband; your husband owns you.
Many Christians falsely point to 1 Corinthians 7:2 to say that God gives husbands and wives equal ownership over one another. 1 Corinthians 7:2 states “Nevertheless, to avoid fornication, let every man have his own wife, and let every woman have her own husband”.
What most people do not realize is that there are two different Greek words for own in that passage. The first with the man is “heautou” which refers to exclusive ownership. The second Greek word with the woman in regard to her husband is “idios” and does not refer to exclusive ownership. It can actually refer to the one being owned. Romans 14: states ““Who art thou that judgest another man’s servant? to his own [idios] master he standeth or falleth. Yea, he shall be holden up: for God is able to make him stand.”
And since we know that the husband is the master of the wife according to 1 Peter 3:5-6, then we know what 1 Corinthians 7:2 is saying. It is saying each man should own his wife as her master and each woman should be owned by a master (her husband). In no way does it limit a man to just one wife. It is saying he should have at least one wife if he does not have the gift of celibacy.
Conclusion
If your husband is committing the sin of whoremongering should it bother you as his wife? Certainly. Whenever we see someone else sin it should bother us. But it should not bother you based on feelings of jealousy. If your reason for being upset at your husband is “Why am I not enough for you? Why do you need this other woman?” that is the wrong reason to be upset.
In fact, you are actually taking up an offense against God and being upset at your husband’s God given polygynous sexual nature. Your husband’s actions are not wrong because you as his wife are not enough for him sexually. Your husband’s actions are wrong because he is having sex with a woman outside of marriage and he is committing the sin of whoremongering against God. In other words, your husband has allowed his sin nature to corrupt his God given polygynous sexual nature into causing him to commit the sin of whoremongering.
Yes, his sin should bother you. But it should bother you because it is a sin against God. Now if he leaves you for this woman, then the sin does become against both you and God. But do not worry yourself over it until it actually happens. And remember how 1 Peter 3:1-2 (NASB) says you as a wife should respond to your husband’s sin:
“In the same way, you wives, be subject to your own husbands so that even if any of them are disobedient to the word, they may be won over without a word by the behavior of their wives, as they observe your pure and respectful behavior.”
Win him with your submission and your pure and respectful behavior toward him. In other words, attempt to win him back to God with your actions, not with your words. And part of your pure submissive, pure and reverent behavior toward him is you freely and willingly (without an attitude) giving yourself sexually to your husband and putting all thoughts of that other woman out of your mind. Rid yourself of your jealousy
and give it to God.
To listen to the companion podcast for this article click on the link below to go to BGRLearning.com.
Below are 10 things every Christian husband must “unlearn” that men are taught by our post-feminist culture in order to unleash and fully realize the masculine nature that God designed him with:
You must unlearn thinking that it is impossible for a man to support his family on his own.
You must unlearn thinking that is wrong for a man to exercise complete control over the finances in his home.
You must unlearn thinking that that it is wrong for you to try to control your wife.
You must unlearn thinking that that it is wrong for you to rebuke and discipline your wife.
You must unlearn thinking that you must get permission from your wife for anything.
You must unlearn thinking that is wrong for you to help your wife formulate her worldview, including her view of how the roles of husband and wife play out in marriage.
You must unlearn thinking that it is selfish to want to mold your wife to your preferences, including but not limited to – having her cook the food you like, wearing the clothes you like and keeping her hair the way you like it.
You must unlearn thinking that it is selfish to want to spend time away from your wife whether just in solitude by yourself or with other men.
You must unlearn thinking that it is selfish for you to spend time and money on hobbies you enjoy as a man.
You must unlearn thinking that it is selfish to want sex from your wife whenever and however you so desire it, even when she is not in the mood.
To learn more about how to unleash and fully realize your God given nature as a man go to my podcast site BGRLearning.com. There you can listen podcasts that will teach you straight out of the Bible what it means to be man and you can let God’s Word wash away your post-feminist cultural conditioning.
Biblical Gender Roles 