What should a Christian Man’s highest priority be?

Many Christian husbands have struggled with this very important question. Should my wife come first? Should my children come first? Should my job come first? Should my ministry come first? Should my country come first? Should my health come first?

In my last article “The Five Biblical Priorities of a Christian Man” we established that God has given us as Christian men these five priorities – God, Family, Church, Country and Work.

In this article we will discuss Biblical principles that will help guide us in how to juggle these five priorities.

The difference between juggling and ordering priorities

Generally speaking when you “order” something you are setting a group of things in a set order. That order once established does not change. But when you are juggling a group of things, the order is constantly changing.

For the Christian husband the only priority that never changes its order is God. God is his foundation and that never changes.

“For other foundation can no man lay than that is laid, which is Jesus Christ.” – I Corinthians 3:11 (KJV)

God is always to be our number one focus – his will and his purposes for our life must always be first.

But while we as Christian men must stand on our foundation in God we are still called by God to juggle these other four priorities of Family, Church, Country and Work.

What that means is at some moments our top priority may be our ministry at our local church.

But in another moment our wife or our children may be our top priority.

Still another time perhaps our parents or another relative may be our top priority.

If our country is attacked and we are called to war to defend it, then our country becomes our top priority at that time.

Every day when we go to work for those 8 or 10 hours a day our job becomes our top priority during that time.

Again let me remind the reader that when I say “top priority” this means our most important priority that is second only to our loyalty and service to God and his will.

Four Biblical principles for juggling priorities

Principle #1 – Don’t do things for people that they should do for themselves

We should not do things for people that they should could be reasonably expected to do for themselves. If we do we could possibly be enabling the sin of laziness.

“Bear ye one another’s burdens, and so fulfil the law of Christ. For if a man think himself to be something, when he is nothing, he deceiveth himself. But let every man prove his own work, and then shall he have rejoicing in himself alone, and not in another.

For every man shall bear his own burden.” – Galatians 6:2-5 (KJV)

Many Christians are confused when they come to this passage. In verse 2 Paul tells us to bear each other’s burdens and then in verse 5 he says every man should bear his own burden?

The first “burdens” in verse 2 is a translation of the Greek word “Baros” which means a heavy weight and troublesome burden. The second “burden” in verse 5 is a translation of the Greek word “Phortion” which in this context refers to a “load” like a freight container.

So what this passage of Scripture is saying is – we as Christians should help those around us with true burdens, true needs – things that they could not reasonably be expected to bare on their own. But people should be able to carry their own loads and carry their own weight.

Principle #2 – Don’t over commit to any priority

While we as Christian husbands and fathers are to try and model how God is a husband to the church and how God is a father to his children we must realize that we are NOT God. We cannot be everywhere as God can be and we do not have the limitless resources that God has. This means we have to be good stewards of the limited time, energy and financial resources that God has given us.

“Redeeming the time, because the days are evil.” – Ephesians 5:16 (KJV)

“So teach us to number our days, that we may apply our hearts unto wisdom.” – Psalm 90: 12 (KJV)

We can over-commit to any of our priority areas. If a man spends too much time with his family and does not work that does not honor God. If a man spends too much time working and not enough time with his family that does not honor God. If we spend too much time with our family but spend no time at our local church and do not regularly attend services then we are not honoring God.

Principle #3 – Ask God for wisdom to determine if the needs of two priorities are equal

If we are confronted with multiple legitimate needs from two or more of our priority areas at the same time then we need to pray and use discernment to determine which need is most important at that moment.

“If any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God, that giveth to all men liberally, and upbraideth not; and it shall be given him.” – James 1:5 (KJV)

“Wherefore be ye not unwise, but understanding what the will of the Lord is.” – Ephesians 5:17 (KJV)

Principle #4 – Order matters when the needs of priorities are equally important

When all things are equal – meaning both the needs of two or more priority areas are real and equal then we must use God’s order of importance to decide where we will allocate our time and resources. Our family’s needs come before our local church’s needs or our employer’s needs. In the priority of our family, our wife’s needs come before our children’s needs.

Applying these principles to real life situations

The reason we cannot order our priorities (put them in a fixed order that never changes) is because that is not the reality of how life works. Instead in most cases we must “juggle” our priorities instead.

Imagine if you are at your job and you spent the entire day talking on the phone to your wife. Now at that point you are making your wife feel like an important priority, but you are at the same time failing to make your work a priority.

The reverse could be said as well. If you as a man are constantly bringing your work home with you and never spending anytime at home talking to your wife and children but rather you are always working then you would be failing to make your family a priority.

Going back to the work scenario – what if you work in a job that sometimes requires you to work off hours. Perhaps you are a plumber who occasionally goes on 24 hour call. That means during that period that if someone has a plumbing problem, no matter if it is 3 AM – you have to go and service that customer. So during that 24 hour period your work trumps all other priorities. If your wife does not feel like you getting out of bed at 3 AM and tells you to call in, you have to tell her “No”.

But what if you are on 24 hour call for your plumbing company and your wife falls and breaks her ankle where she is need of medical assistance? In this case your wife’s emergency is a higher priority than an emergency at your job and in that case you may have to call in to your employer to get it covered by another worker.

Let’s say you and your wife are having an important discussion and you hear gunshots across the street and see that your neighbor has been shot? What is the greatest priority at that moment? Your wife or getting your neighbor medical assistance? Of course we understand that getting our neighbor medical assistance is the most important priority in that moment.

Perhaps you have just had back surgery and you must be very careful not to physically exert yourself or you risk causing damage to your back. You may not be able to work or do the duties you usually would around the house for some time and that needs to be ok. There are going to be sometimes that your health and recovery come before other priority areas.

There could be multiple examples where one priority bumps into another. And unless the needs are equal, the priority with the greatest need at that moment must be met. At the same time we cannot let any of our priorities completely fall through the cracks.

Conclusion

Juggling the priorities that God has given us as Christian men is not an easy task. Often times we are conflicted and we need to seek God’s will each and every day to know where to use our limited time and resources. Sometimes we may get resistance from a priority area that feels slighted. Maybe our manager at work feels we did not need to take time off for a family issue or maybe our manager does not like that we won’t work on Sundays. Maybe our wife felt we are working too much, but we know at this time it is necessary to do. Maybe our church friends don’t understand why we don’t do as much at church as we used to because of work and family commitments.

We need to realize that every day of our life will bring different challenges that are constantly changing where we will be asked to allocate our time and our resources. In the end we must seek the Lord’s wisdom and look at the priorities and order of importance he has given us.

The Five Biblical Priorities of a Christian Man

Many young Christian men and even some older Christian men struggle with knowing what things in life should be important to them. What should your priorities as a Christian man be? Even if you think you know what God says your priorities should be – how do order your priorities as a Christian man?

What is a Priority?

A priority is something that is important to us, something that we care about. If something is important to us, then we will show that by our deeds. For instance, the Bible tells us that if our faith is truly important to us, we will demonstrate that in our works.

“If a brother or sister be naked, and destitute of daily food, And one of you say unto them, Depart in peace, be ye warmed and filled; notwithstanding ye give them not those things which are needful to the body; what doth it profit?

Even so faith, if it hath not works, is dead, being alone.

Yea, a man may say, Thou hast faith, and I have works: shew me thy faith without thy works, and I will shew thee my faith by my works.” – James 2:15-18 (KJV)

The Five Biblical Priorities of a Christian Man

Thankfully God has not left us to fend for ourselves as men, but he has given us his Word as a guide for our lives.

Unless a man is called to a life of celibacy in full time service to God, the Scriptures show us that every man has been given five areas of priority by God.

The five priorities that God gives to Christian men are God, Family, Church, Country and Work.

In this article we will discuss what these five priorities look like from a Biblical perspective. In my next article we will discuss Biblical principles that can help Christian men know how to juggle or order these five priorities that God has given them.

Priority # 1 – God

The Scriptures tell us plainly that serving God and his plan and design for our life should be our first priority.

“But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you.” – Matthew 6:33 (KJV)

“He that loveth father or mother more than me is not worthy of me: and he that loveth son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me.” – Matthew 10:37(KJV)

“Then Peter and the other apostles answered and said, We ought to obey God rather than men.” – Acts 5:29 (KJV)

Serving God comes before every other consideration in our life including ourselves, our family, our church, our employer or our country. But part of what it means to serve God is taking care of the needs our country, our employer, our church, our family and even ourselves.

Priority # 2 – Family

If God has not granted a man the gift of celibacy for full time service to his Kingdom as he did the Apostle Paul and other men and women then a husband’s second priority after God becomes his family.

But what if a man does not want a family?

Many have asked “What if a man is not called to full time Christian service, can’t he just opt to not get married and pursue a single life?”

Well first and foremost let’s define “full time Christian service”. Often we think of full time Christian service as someone being a Pastor, a Missionary or a Christian school teacher. But there are many single people and I know personally from my church and other churches that work in secular jobs during the week but they are constantly working at the Church and volunteering for anything that needs to be done.   They dedicate the vast majority of their free time to God’s service since they don’t have families to attend to.

But where I believe that men go against God’s design is when they choose not to marry and have a family in order to purposefully avoid the responsibilities of having a family. They want to live for themselves.

God’s command to man and woman after he created them was to “Be fruitful, and multiply”(Genesis 1:28). God designed us as men for marriage and family. We were not designed to live for ourselves, but rather for his purpose and design.

Shouldn’t our time and resources go to Church first and then family second?

Some Christians have taught what I believe to be a false doctrine that the Church, and specifically the giving of our time and financial resources to our local church must come before we give our time and financial resources to our family.

This false belief comes from the idea that service to God ALWAYS means service to his church. But the truth is that while one of the ways we serve God is by serving his church it certainly is not the only way we serve God. We also serve God by serving the needs of our family. In fact God shows us in his Word that our service to our family comes before our service to our local church.

Christians who believe service to the their local church always comes before the needs of their family point to this incident which is recorded in Matthew and Luke:

“And it came to pass, that, as they went in the way, a certain man said unto him, Lord, I will follow thee whithersoever thou goest. And Jesus said unto him, Foxes have holes, and birds of the air have nests; but the Son of man hath not where to lay his head.

And he said unto another, Follow me. But he said, Lord, suffer me first to go and bury my father. Jesus said unto him, Let the dead bury their dead: but go thou and preach the kingdom of God.” – Luke 9:57-60 (KJV)

While Christ’s words may seem harsh here, it makes more sense when we understand that Jewish burial processes had become overly complex by this time. It is most likely that his father had already been placed in his tomb or burial site, but the mourning process could take up to a year. Some Jews even practiced a “second burial” where a year after their loved one’s body had decomposed they would gather the remains into a box and do a final burial. This could also be what Christ was referring to as something that was not necessary for him to do.

But these same proponents of putting the Church before family miss another incident where Christ spoke on the family and Church priorities:

“Howbeit in vain do they worship me, teaching for doctrines the commandments of men. For laying aside the commandment of God, ye hold the tradition of men, as the washing of pots and cups: and many other such like things ye do.

And he said unto them, Full well ye reject the commandment of God, that ye may keep your own tradition. For Moses said, Honour thy father and thy mother; and, Whoso curseth father or mother, let him die the death:

But ye say, If a man shall say to his father or mother, It is Corban, that is to say, a gift, by whatsoever thou mightest be profited by me; he shall be free. And ye suffer him no more to do ought for his father or his mother;

Making the word of God of none effect through your tradition, which ye have delivered: and many such like things do ye.” – Mark 7:7-13 (KJV)

A man has the responsibility to care for his parents in their old age and our responsibility to give our time and financial resources to our family comes before our responsibility to give these things to our local churches. But in a broader context Christ was saying that our second priority after God, is our family. The Apostle Paul reiterates this same concept that Christ spoke on:

“But if any widow have children or nephews, let them learn first to shew piety at home, and to requite their parents: for that is good and acceptable before God. Now she that is a widow indeed, and desolate, trusteth in God, and continueth in supplications and prayers night and day.

But she that liveth in pleasure is dead while she liveth. And these things give in charge, that they may be blameless.

But if any provide not for his own, and specially for those of his own house, he hath denied the faith, and is worse than an infidel.” – I Timothy 5:4-8 (KJV)

Paul reiterates what Christ said that we have a solemn obligation to care for our relatives and family, but then he adds to this by telling us the first place we show “piety”(our faith, our religion) is in how we care for the needs of our family.

Paul tells us that if a man does not know how to manage his family, he is in no position to be a Pastor or Deacon in the Church:

“A bishop then must be blameless, the husband of one wife, vigilant, sober, of good behaviour, given to hospitality, apt to teach; Not given to wine, no striker, not greedy of filthy lucre; but patient, not a brawler, not covetous;

One that ruleth well his own house, having his children in subjection with all gravity;

(For if a man know not how to rule his own house, how shall he take care of the church of God?)” – I Timothy 3:2-5 (KJV)

This is clear from the Scriptures – while God is our always our first priority, God himself tells us that family is our second priority before all other considerations – even the Church.

I remember about 20 years ago when I was a young newly married man I had a friend of mine who was in his 30’s who had a wife and children. He was usually at almost every Church service and activity. But at certain times of the year especially around Christmas and some other times I would not see him as much.

I asked him one time about this. He told me that at certain points of the year he had to work a lot more hours for the shipping company he was at and did not have as much time to spend with his family. So his involvement in Church services would lessen so he could spend his limited free time with his family. He told me a very important truth that is supported by the Scriptures. “God created the family, before he created the Church. The needs of my family come before my Church attendance and involvement.” I never forgot what he said there, and later I would discover that what he was saying was a Biblical concept.

But what about when Christ said we should not love family more than him?

Some might say “What about Matthew 10:35 and other passages where Christ tells us if we love our family more than him we are not worthy of him?”

When we take all of Christ’s words into account only then can we understand what he was saying. Christ was not telling us to neglect the needs of our family for service to our local churches. What he was saying is “if your family is asking you not to worship me, to deny me or to deny my Church or go against my laws then you must be willing to deviate from them on this.” Following God always comes first. But following God is not equivalent to doing everything at Church first, and then your family gets the left overs.

So the Scriptures are clear – God first, family second and everything else including service to our local Church comes after those two things.

But who comes first in our family?

As Christian husbands we have our wives, our children, our siblings, our parents and our wives’ parents and siblings. These are all family members for us.

So yes family comes second only to God, but which family members come before whom?

Our wives come second only to God

“Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.” – Genesis 2:24 (KJV)

“Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it…So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself. For no man ever yet hated his own flesh; but nourisheth and cherisheth it, even as the Lord the church:” – Ephesians 5:25 & 28-29 (KJV)

The Bible shows us by the “leave and cleave” concept of marriage that as husbands once we are married our parents now come second to our wife.   We as Christian husbands are to feed and care for the physical needs of our wives just as we feed and care for our own bodies.

So when all things are equal, while our wife comes second to God – she is to be our first priority amongst our family members and anyone but God himself. But I want you to notice a key phrase I use here “when all things are equal”. I will come back to what I mean by that in our next article on “What should a Christian Man’s highest priority be?”

Our children come after our wives but before other family members and priorities

Remember the passage from I Timothy 5:4-8 where the Apostle Paul tells us that the first way we put our religion in practice is in our home? The needs of our children come only after our service to God and then the needs of our wife.  But the needs our children come before other priorities like our work and our local church. In truth part of what it means to serve God is to serve the needs of our children.

“A good man leaveth an inheritance to his children’s children: and the wealth of the sinner is laid up for the just.” – Proverbs 13:22 (KJV)

“The just man walketh in his integrity: his children are blessed after him.” – Proverbs 20:7 (KJV)

“Fathers, provoke not your children to anger, lest they be discouraged.” – Colossians 3:21 (KJV)

“And, ye fathers, provoke not your children to wrath: but bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord.” – Ephesians 6:4 (KJV)

“As ye know how we exhorted and comforted and charged every one of you, as a father doth his children,” – I Thessalonians 2:11 (KJV)

As fathers we have a responsibility to care for the physical and spiritual needs of our children. In the same way that marriage is to be a model of the relationship between God and his people, so too the father/child relationship is yet another model of the relationship between our heavenly father and us as his children. We as fathers are not to discourage our children or needlessly anger them, but rather we are to bless them, exhort them, comfort them, discipline them, teach them in the ways of God and love them as God loves his children.

We should care for the needs of our parents and other extended family

So while the needs of our wife and children are to come before other family obligations that does not mean we don’t still care for the needs of our parents and other extended family.   We simply need to seek God’s guidance in where we expend our time and resources – I will get more into that in my next post “What should a Christian Man’s highest priority be?”

Don’t forget YOU are a part of your family

Often times in Christian circles believers are lead to believe that they can never think of their own needs. People over-commit, even to good things like family, work and church to the detriment of their own health. We need to rest. We need to see a doctor when we are sick. We need relaxation and down time for our brains to recharge so that we will be of better service in these other areas in which God calls us to serve.

If you have ever been on a plane they always tell you that in case of an emergency when the oxygen mask comes down put yours on first, then help those around you. The reason is that if you put on the masks of those around you first you may not be able to help them if you pass out before you can do it. This same principle applies to our lives in general. If we can’t breathe, than we are of no use to anyone around us.

Priority # 3 – The Church

So up till now we have established that Biblically speaking God is our first priority and our family is our second priority. While service to God does not always equal service to the Church – sometimes it does.

God calls us to serve our families as we have just discussed. Later we will discuss that God calls us to serve our employers and even the needs of our community and our country. But sometimes we can use these other God given priorities to make excuses for our neglect of the priority of service to God’s Church.

Not all of us can be Pastors, Deacons or Sunday school teachers. But God wants us all to serve his local Church in some capacity. For some their service may be more financial than time based. For others who have little to give financially, they have much more to give in the way of time or talents. But while we all serve God’s Church in different ways, the call to serve God’s Church is for every believer in Christ.

“Now there are diversities of gifts, but the same Spirit. And there are differences of administrations, but the same Lord. And there are diversities of operations, but it is the same God which worketh all in all.…

For as the body is one, and hath many members, and all the members of that one body, being many, are one body: so also is Christ…

Now ye are the body of Christ, and members in particular.”

I Corinthians 12:4-6 & 12 &27 (KJV)

“Unto him be glory in the church by Christ Jesus throughout all ages, world without end. Amen.” – Ephesians 3:21 (KJV)

“Let us hold fast the profession of our faith without wavering; (for he is faithful that promised;) And let us consider one another to provoke unto love and to good works: Not forsaking the assembling of ourselves together, as the manner of some is; but exhorting one another: and so much the more, as ye see the day approaching” – Hebrews 10:23-25 (KJV)

The Scriptures are clear that God wants us to make his Church and the local assembling of believers together a priority for ourselves and our families as men of God. For some of us it may be no more than bringing our families faithfully to services each week to worship God and here the preaching and teaching of his Word and the giving of financial contributions to his work.

For others it may go beyond that in making meals for the church or driving a church bus. For others it may be teaching a Sunday school class or leading a youth group. Some are called to be Deacons to support the Pastor and weekly needs of the Church building and membership. Some are called to full time Christian service as Pastors who lead the local churches of God. We all have different callings, different gifts and different amounts of time or money available. But regardless of these differences – we are all called to make the Church of God a priority in our lives.

Having established that our local church should be a priority in our lives, I want to reiterate though that our service to God is not strictly through our local church. Many Christians serve God outside of the official ministries of their local church whether it is working in homeless shelters, Christian colleges and Universities and other evangelistic programs. I consider this blog to be a ministry for God even though it is not done as an official ministry under the direction of my church.

But my point is that I do not believe it would be right for me to only serve God outside his Church while neglecting his Church. It is not an either or proposition, it is both.

“As we have therefore opportunity, let us do good unto all men, especially unto them who are of the household of faith.” – Galatians 6:10 (KJV)

Priority # 4 – Country

Despite the beliefs of some Christians, God says there is a time for war.

“A time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war, and a time of peace.” – Ecclesiastes 3:8 (KJV)

“The Lord is a man of war: the Lord is his name.” – Exodus 15:3 (KJV)

“Every purpose is established by counsel: and with good advice make war.” – Proverbs 20:18 (KJV)

“And I looked, and rose up, and said unto the nobles, and to the rulers, and to the rest of the people, Be not ye afraid of them: remember the Lord, which is great and terrible, and fight for your brethren, your sons, and your daughters, your wives, and your houses.” – Nehemiah 4:14(KJV)

God has given men in general the ability to wage war and some men he gave a special ability in this area as he did King David:

“Blessed be the Lord my strength which teacheth my hands to war, and my fingers to fight:” – Psalm 144:1 (KJV)

This is why some men are simply called to be soldiers like King David was. This “warrior spirit” is something that should never be discouraged in young men. Rather it should be encouraged and channeled in positive ways.

Other men while not being called to be soldiers may still have this “warrior spirit” which calls them into law enforcement positions, again this is something that we should be encouraging when we see this in our young men.

Some men are called to lead their communities, their cities, their states or even their countries. Countries need these types of men in order to maintain peaceful and orderly societies.

But all of us as men even if we don’t have the “warrior spirit” or the drive to serve in public office are should be willing to answer the call of our country.  During times of peace our service may be  limited to voting – which all Christians should do.  In times of crisis it might mean we are called to go to war to defend our nation. If there is a natural disaster that strikes our community, then we as men should be the first to step up and assist in our communities.

Priority #5 – Work

The Bible tells us as men that we were created to be workers. Our minds and bodies as men are specifically built for work. Some of us men are built for physically based labor while others are built for more intellectually based labor. But no matter our talents and abilities – we as men are built for work.

“And the Lord God took the man, and put him into the garden of Eden to dress it and to keep it.” – Genesis 3:15 (KJV)

God built and designed man for work and the first thing he did after creating him was assign him to work and keep the Garden of Eden.

The scriptures tell us that as men of God we ought to dedicate ourselves to our work and find joy in our labor.

“Man goeth forth unto his work and to his labour until the evening.” – Psalm 104:23 (KJV)

“Wherefore I perceive that there is nothing better, than that a man should rejoice in his own works; for that is his portion…” Ecclesiastes 3:22 (KJV)

“Go thy way, eat thy bread with joy, and drink thy wine with a merry heart; for God now accepteth thy works. Let thy garments be always white; and let thy head lack no ointment. Live joyfully with the wife whom thou lovest all the days of the life of thy vanity, which he hath given thee under the sun, all the days of thy vanity: for that is thy portion in this life, and in thy labour which thou takest under the sun.

Whatsoever thy hand findeth to do, do it with thy might; for there is no work, nor device, nor knowledge, nor wisdom, in the grave, whither thou goest.” – Ecclesiastes 9:7-10 (KJV)

“And whatsoever ye do, do it heartily, as to the Lord, and not unto men;” – Colossians 3:23 (KJV)

“And let the beauty of the Lord our God be upon us: and establish thou the work of our hands upon us; yea, the work of our hands establish thou it.” – Psalm 90:17 (KJV)

Men – the world is literally yours to command

“What is man, that thou art mindful of him? and the son of man, that thou visitest him? For thou hast made him a little lower than the angels, and hast crowned him with glory and honour. Thou madest him to have dominion over the works of thy hands; thou hast put all things under his feet:

All sheep and oxen, yea, and the beasts of the field; The fowl of the air, and the fish of the sea, and whatsoever passeth through the paths of the seas. “- Psalm 8:4-8 (KJV)

When we farm, we fish, we build and when we organize in all our conquests whatever they may be – this what God built us as men to desire, to strive for and to do.

I like what Dr. Emerson Eggerichs said about men and their work:

“The first question a man usually asks another man when they meet for the first time is, “What do you do?” … most men identify themselves by their work. God created men to “do” something in the field. Watch young boys as they pick up sticks and turn them into imaginary guns or tools. Recently a mother told us she had prevented her son from having any toy guns or using sticks as pretend rifles, but when he made his cheese sandwich into the form of a pistol and was shooting a friend, she cried out in exasperation, “I give up”.

Mothers should never give up because this is simply part of a boy’s nature. He is called to be a hunter, a worker, a doer. He wants to make his conquest in the field of life. The academic term for this is the “instrumentality of the male”. From childhood there is something in a male that makes him like adventure and conquest. He wants to go into the field to hunt or to work some way.”

Dr. Emerson Eggerichs, Pg. 168 “Love and Respect”

Work is not an option for a man

“Let him that stole steal no more: but rather let him labour, working with his hands the thing which is good, that he may have to give to him that needeth.” – Ephesians 4:28 (KJV)

“…but we beseech you, brethren, that ye increase more and more; And that ye study to be quiet, and to do your own business, and to work with your own hands, as we commanded you; That ye may walk honestly toward them that are without, and that ye may have lack of nothing.” – I Thessalonians 4:10-12(KJV)

I know that we are all sinners and we each struggle with different sins more than others. Often I talk about how I believe it is the most unnatural thing in the world for a mother to drop her child off with strangers for 9 to 10 hours a day so she can pursue a more “fulfilling life” rather than caring for her child.

But I believe in the same way that it grieves the heart of God every time a mother hands her infant child off to a daycare worker by her own choice (rather than out of economic necessity) it also grieves the heart of God when a healthy able bodied man does not want to work. This goes against the very core of a man’s design when he does not want work.

Conclusion

We have shown here that God has given Christian men the five priorities of God, Family, Church, Country and Work. The first feat is just figuring out what our priorities should be – that we have done here. But for many of us the larger feat is figuring out how to order or really “juggle” these priorities that God has given us as Christian men.   In my next article “What should a Christian Man’s highest priority be?” we will talk about this “juggling act” that all of us as Christian men are called to.

Photo Source: https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Happy_family_%281%29.jpg
Author: Catherine Scott https://www.flickr.com/people/46242866@N00

1 million pageviews in 17 months!

I just wanted to share this blessing that since I started writing for this blog in April of 2014 that we have now reached 1 million page views in 17 months!

I am so grateful for the impact that God has allowed this site to have.  We know that there are those that hate Biblical Christianity and they hate the doctrines of Biblical gender roles probably the most of all.

But God knew these times would come and the Christian faith has always been under attack both from the outside as well as the inside.  This is why is he had the Apostle Paul pen this words as encouragement to us to continue to fight for what is right:

“2 Preach the word; be instant in season, out of season; reprove, rebuke, exhort with all long suffering and doctrine.

For the time will come when they will not endure sound doctrine; but after their own lusts shall they heap to themselves teachers, having itching ears;

And they shall turn away their ears from the truth, and shall be turned unto fables.” – II Timothy 4:2-5 (KJV)

I pray that men and women will continue to find the truths of the Word of God, reject the teachings of feminism and  embrace God’s design for men to lead in their homes, their churches and their societies.

I pray that God will continue to open the eyes of Christian men as to the grave responsibility he has given them to love their wives and children by leading them, providing for them, protecting them, teaching them and disciplining them.

I  pray that God will continue to open the eyes of Christian women and help them to see and embrace the purposes for which God designed them in being a help meet to their husbands.  I pray that they will find joy in submission not only to God, but also to the man whom God places over them.  That they will experience the joy of being a wife and mother – the core purpose which God designed them.

I pray that many more Christian marriages will be blessed in the upcoming year and find the peace that God intends them to have by modeling their marriages after the relationship between Christ and Church.

“22 Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord.

23 For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the saviour of the body.

24 Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing.

25 Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it;

26 That he might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word,

27 That he might present it to himself a glorious church, not having spot, or wrinkle, or any such thing; but that it should be holy and without blemish.

28 So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself.

29 For no man ever yet hated his own flesh; but nourisheth and cherisheth it, even as the Lord the church:

30 For we are members of his body, of his flesh, and of his bones.

31 For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall be joined unto his wife, and they two shall be one flesh.

32 This is a great mystery: but I speak concerning Christ and the church.

33 Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife see that she reverence her husband.” – Ephesians 5:22-33 (KJV)

Do we need to cut the Pauline Epistles from the Bible?

It is no secret that Christian feminists are no fan of the Apostle Paul. But often they try and make more subtle attacks on his authority to write God’s Word. Some like Skip Moen won’t outright deny Paul’s authority in general, but they will simply try to explain away anything he writes that condemns their false doctrine of Christian feminism.

But every once in a while a Christian feminist will come right out and make a full frontal assault on the Apostle Paul. It is refreshing to hear such honesty. A Christian feminist defender named Rosie posted this on my BiblicalGenderRoles Facebook page:

“Paul had NO authority to give commands, and he said it himself. He was a self appointed apostle NOT a prophet”

This statement alone shows the utter lengths those who wish to rebel against God’s Word will go to feed their selfish ambitions. Wow what a bold statement to make.

Paul was not a “self appointed apostle” – Jesus Christ himself appointed him on the road to Damascus:

“14 And when we were all fallen to the earth, I heard a voice speaking unto me, and saying in the Hebrew tongue, Saul, Saul, why persecutest thou me? it is hard for thee to kick against the pricks.

15 And I said, Who art thou, Lord? And he said, I am Jesus whom thou persecutest.

16 But rise, and stand upon thy feet: for I have appeared unto thee for this purpose, to make thee a minister and a witness both of these things which thou hast seen, and of those things in the which I will appear unto thee;” – Acts 26:14-16 (KJV)

In Paul’s first letter to the church at Thessalonica he wrote:

“For this cause also thank we God without ceasing, because, when ye received the word of God which ye heard of us, ye received it not as the word of men, but as it is in truth, THE WORD OF GOD, which effectually worketh also in you that believe.” – I Thessalonians 2:13 (KJV)

Paul was clear that what he wrote was the very Word of God, and only in a few instances did he give his opinion apart from the Word of God(for instance he thought celibacy was good, but he knew it was not meant most people). But in NO way did he ever say he did not have authority from God – he made it clear everywhere he went that he was an Apostle of God with the authority to speak and write the very Word of God.

In fact Peter affirms the authority of the Pauline Epistles when he writes:

“And account that the longsuffering of our Lord is salvation; even as our beloved BROTHER PAUL also according to the wisdom given unto him hath written unto you; As also in all his epistles, speaking in them of these things; in which are some things hard to be understood, which they that are unlearned and unstable wrest, as they do also THE OTHER SCRIPTURES, unto their own destruction.” – II Peter 3:15-16 (KJV)

Notice he compares Paul’s epistles to “the other Scriptures” placing them on equal footing with all Scripture.

So in order for Rose and many other Christian feminists to have their heretical view of Christianity, to basically make up their own Bible – they have to tear out Paul’s 13 Epistles of the New Testament as well as Peters two epistles because he affirmed Paul’s writings as the Word of God. They have to tear out 15 of 27 books, more than half the New Testament in order to follow the selfish ambition and heresy of Christian feminism.

This is why I have said it time and time again. Can you be a Christian and believe in Christian feminism? Sure. If you believe that Jesus Christ was the perfect sinless Son of God, God in the flesh who died for the sins of mankind and specifically for your sin then you can be saved regardless of what other false doctrines you believe.

However you cannot be a Bible believing Christian, a believer in the inerrancy and perfection of Scripture, and be a Christian feminist. The two positions are mutually exclusive.

So as we can see based on her own statement Rose and other Christian feminists have made their choice to reject the Bible consisting of all 66 books as the Word of God. Instead they want their shortened version, the one where they get to take scissors and cut out whatever parts they want.

In their version of Christianity – this beautiful passage of Scripture is not in fact the Word of God, because it was written by a “self appointed Apostle” and a man that had “no authority to give commands”.

“For by grace are ye saved through faith; and that not of yourselves: it is the gift of God:” – Ephesians 2:8 (KJV)

So which version of Christianity do you believe in? The modern Christian feminist version which is based on a shortened version of the Bible or the historic Christian faith which is based on ALL 66 books of the Bible?

4 Steps to confronting your husband’s sexual refusal

How should a Christian woman handle her husband’s sexual refusal? Many Christian women are embarrassed to even bring this subject up – let alone actually look for help.

Since the explosive popularity of my post “8 Steps to confronting your wife’s sexual refusal” I have had many requests by Christian wives to write “sister” article of sorts to that article since that was specifically targeted toward Christian husbands who experience sexual refusal from their wives.

Christian Wives – I want to be as clear here as I was when addressing this subject with Christian husbands. The situation I am addressing in this article is not your husband occasionally turning you down for sex (even with a bad attitude, as opposed to for health or other legitimate reasons). What I am addressing here is the husband who consistently and routinely denies his wife sexually simply because he does not need sex as much or he thinks he should not have to do it except when he is in the mood or he thinks his wife should have to earn sex with him by “putting him in the mood” by doing various things he expects or likes. You prayed about it for years but nothing has changed and your husband refuses to meet the obligations of his marital covenant.

Again this is about sexual denial on the husband’s part – not lack of sexual initiation. For reasons your husband may not be pursing you sexually see my post “12 Reasons your husband may NOT want to have sex with you”.  For many women they interpret their husband’s lack of sexual pursuit as sexual denial but this is not the case. In fact it is very common in many marriages where the couple is older that the man may not pursue sex as much and the woman actually pursues it more – so they switch roles (as in who is doing the chasing). To this I would say that a man still needs to pursue his wife sexually even as he ages, just as a woman should pursue her husband even when her desire is not there. Now the percentage of who pursues who more might change – but neither spouse should feel like they are the only ones that ever want sex.

So now that we have established what scenario these steps are addressing – let’s now establish the right of a woman to have sex with her husband.

A woman has the right to have sex with her husband, and the husband has a duty to have sex with his wife

Let me say that first and foremost God give a woman the right to initiate and have sex with her husband.

“10 If he take him another wife; her food, her raiment, and her duty of marriage, shall he not diminish.11 And if he do not these three unto her, then shall she go out free without money.” – Exodus 21:10-11 (KJV)

This passage when taken in context was talking about if a man decided to take another wife (exercise his right to polygamy) he must still provide food, clothing (shelter is implied as well) and sex (this is conjugal rights). If a man took another wife and neglected his first wife sexually her family members or other town elders could approach the man and tell him to release this neglected wife (give her a bill of divorce). But it provides though a general moral principle – that a wife has the right to have sexual relations with her husband in marriage.

God reiterates this command that a wife has the right to initiate sex and have sex with her husband in his first letter to the Corinthian church:

“Let the husband render unto the wife due benevolence: and likewise also the wife unto the husband. The wife hath not power of her own body, but the husband: and likewise also the husband hath not power of his own body, but the wife.” – I Corinthians 7:3-4 (KJV)

Throughout the Bible the husband is consistently seen as the head of the wife, as the owner of the wife and we see here that even though he is her head and owner – she has certain rights as his wife that he may not deny and sex is one them.

So if a wife has the right to have sex with her husband – why don’t women (or men for that matter) want to talk about issue? We will discuss this next.

Why don’t women want to talk about sexual denial from their husbands?

There are two common reasons why Christian wives won’t are embarrassed to bring up this subject – either with their husbands or women from their churches, or even to their pastors.

The first reason is that sadly many Christian women were raised by their parents, or taught in the churches growing up that “only dirty women want sex”. Unfortunately the Church over its history has been complicit in this teaching as the Church fathers quickly fell into the error that sex was “dirty” and “fleshly” not long after the Apostles died.

The second reason is that many women feel to bring up this subject would be a bad reflection on them. “What husband would not want to have sex with wife? Men always want sex right?” They think it reflects badly on their appearance. “Perhaps he no longer finds me attractive” – a Christian wife might reason.

But the truth is neither one of these reasons should stop a woman bringing this issue up and confronting it when it occurs in her marriage.

On the issue of appearance and hygiene – these things are important for both a man and a woman. Both a husband and a wife should do their best to keep their bodies healthy and clean and available for sexual relations on a regular basis. If the man has problems with weight or ED (erectile dysfunction) it is his job to seek medical help so that he can sexually please his wife.

So once a Christian wife understands that sex with her husband is a right in marriage, and she overcomes her inhibitions to talking about this issue – how should she confront this issue in her marriage?

Before you can confront you husband’s sexual refusal you must know and accept your position

The Bible is not a “unisex” book. Yes God loves men and women equally – and a woman is no less human being than a man is. But God created men and women with different purposes and roles and this is seen throughout the Scriptures. So when we come to how a wife confronts sexual refusal from her husband and how a man confronts sexual refusal from his wife the steps will look different.

The biggest reason the steps are different is because a wife is not her husband’s authority. She is not spiritually responsible for him as he is for her. While his role is to love her by leading her, providing for her, protecting her and knowing her – her role is to submit to him, to serve him and to gently and respectfully share her wisdom with him(as the Proverbs 31 wife does).

I have written on this previously that Christian marriage is a type of Master/Servant relationship – but it is not a typical Master/Servant relationship in that a wife has many more rights than a servant, and this is a much more intimate Master/Servant relationship in that a husband is commanded to “know” his wife.

But in the context of a master servant relationship – the Bible tells us that servants have the right to bring grievances to their masters:

“If I did despise the cause of my manservant or of my maidservant, when they contended with me; What then shall I do when God riseth up? and when he visiteth, what shall I answer him? Did not he that made me in the womb make him? and did not one fashion us in the womb?” – Job 31:13-15 (KJV)

Job tells us that his servants made in the womb – i.e. just as human as he was. You as a human being, and even more so as your husband’s wife have certain rights and when you believe he has violated those rights you have a right bring those grievances before him.

But you must always be respectful of your husband’s position and his authority over you when you bring your grievances before him.

Before you take any steps to confront your husband’s sin of sexual refusal check yourself first

Before you embark on this difficult journey, you need to first address any un-repented sin in your own life. You need to pray very hard and make sure you are doing the right thing. You need to confess any bitterness you have toward your husband over this issue before you can confront it. Perhaps there are some other wrong ways you handled it, things you have said or done that need to be confessed to God, and perhaps even to your husband if it directly affects him.

A common issue that women who are experiencing sexual refusal face is – they were the ones refusing their husbands earlier in their marriage. What happens is because of many years of sexual refusal on the part of his wife, a man simply stops pursing his wife sexually. Then one day the wife wakes up and realizes they have not had sex in months or even a year or more and she pursues him at which point he turns her down. Now is the husband right to do this? Absolutely not. But the wife must realize her part in this and confess her sin of sexual refusal before she can confront her husband’s sin of sexual refusal.

4 Steps to confronting your husband’s sexual refusal

Christ said this about confronting a brother (or sister) that has sinned against you:

“If your brother sins against you, go and rebuke him in private. If he listens to you, you have won your brother. But if he won’t listen, take one or two more with you, so that by the testimony of two or three witnesses every fact may be established. If he pays no attention to them, tell the church. But if he doesn’t pay attention even to the church, let him be like an unbeliever and a tax collector to you.” – Matthew 18:15-17 (HCSB)

Matthew 18 gives us the first two steps a Christian wife must take to confront his husband’s sexual refusal.

Step 1 – Rebuke him privately

Rebuke your husband’s sin to him in private. A wife’s rebuke will look slightly different than a husband’s rebuke of his wife’s sinful behavior. A husband can speak “with authority” to his wife, as one under his authority. But a wife must remember her husband is her authority. You as a wife can bring your grievance to your husband in a respectful manner, you can plead with him to change his sinful pattern of sexual denial. This assumes you have already on several occasions tried to speaking gently to him about this issue. You have tried time and time again to find out if there is anything you can help him with, and anything you can do different. This assumes you have ruled out health problems, and or other mental problems and he simply has a stubborn and willful attitude toward sex in marriage and he does not think he needs to change.

Step 2 – Rebuke him before witnesses

If he is still defiant after rebuking him, privately ask him to go to a Christian marriage counselor, or maybe even a sex therapist if he is willing to go.

Step 3 – Bring him before the Church

If he will not listen to counselors, or refuses to go to counseling then bring him to your Pastor and his wife. If he will not listen even to them then he has chosen to act like an unbeliever, and now he will be treated as such.

Step 4 – Divorce your husband for the sin of sexual denial

Unlike a husband who has authority over his wife, a wife does not have authority over her husband. So unlike a husband in the same situation with his wife – a wife cannot stop going out with her husband on dates or stop doing her house hold duties or following his wishes. Your only option as a wife after confronting him with the Church is divorce.

But according to Exodus 21:10-11 you have the right to be freed from this marriage(and thus his authority) for his willful sexual denial.

“If he take him another wife; her food, her raiment, and her duty of marriage, shall he not diminish. And if he do not these three unto her, then shall she go out free without money.” – Exodus 21:10 (KJV)

Under the theocracy of Israel – a husband was pressured by male relatives or elders of the town to give his wife a bill of divorce if he was neglecting her in any of these areas. Our government allows women to file this bill of divorce for themselves and there is no problem with this scripturally as the woman is divorcing her wife on Biblical grounds.

12 Reasons your husband may NOT want to have sex with you

“Why does my Christian husband no longer want to have sex with me?” This is a question that some Christian wives ask. What do you do as a Christian wife if your husband does not want sex? This is very delicate subject for many Christian wives and it can often times be embarrassing for them to even raise the subject because of cultural and religious conditioning.

I have received many emails from women asking me to talk about the subject of husbands not wanting sex and here it is finally! Sorry it took so long.

Yes wives want sex too!

Do not be ashamed of the fact that as a woman you want to have sex. In the Scriptures we need to look no further than the entire book of the Song of Solomon to see that women want sex too:

“May he kiss me with the kisses of his mouth! For your love is better than wine…

My beloved is to me a pouch of myrrh Which lies all night between my breasts.” – Song of Solomon 1:2 & 13(NASB)

“Awake, O north wind,

And come, wind of the south;

Make my garden breathe out fragrance,

Let its spices be wafted abroad.

May my beloved come into his garden

And eat its choice fruits!” – Song of Solomon 4:16 (NASB)

Unfortunately our culture as well as our churches make women feel dirty for desiring sex with their husbands – “Men are the ones that are supposed to want sex, not women” or so we are told. But nothing could be further from the truth.

In this area of sexuality we have to battle two extremes. One extreme says that “if you don’t want sex as much or as often as your husband then there is something wrong with you”. The other extreme is “If you want sex more than your husband there is something wrong with you”. If you find yourself as a wife in either of these situations – rest assured there is nothing wrong with you.

Many people have commented or emailed me accusing me of thinking women don’t want or enjoy sex because I deal so much with sexual denial by wives toward their husbands. But I do recognize that many women enjoy sex with their husbands, even if they don’t want sex as often. I also recognize that some women not only enjoy sex with their husbands, but they actually want it more often than their husbands!

But the truth is despite those women who find themselves having higher libidos (sex drives) than their husbands – the vast majority of low libido situations are found in women. Just search on “sexual denial”, “low libido” and “sexless marriage” and count the number of comments from men verses women. Ask a Pastor or therapist where they find low libido issues the most and they will say the vast majority of cases are with women having lower libidos than their husbands.

The mistake we make in this area of low libido is thinking that we have to make everything equal. We are told we have to say “This issue of low libido spouses in marriage is equally prevalent among men and women in marriage” when this simply is not true.

But even though it is true that if you want sex more than your husband that puts you in smaller percentage group of women (because the vast majority of women usually want it less than their husbands) – it does not make you abnormal, dirty or unchristian. That is my point.

But now that we have established that it is perfectly normal and fine for you to desire sex more than your husband let’s look at the difference between sexual denial and low libido.

The difference between sexual denial and low libido

A person (husband or wife) is capable of having little to no desire for sex (low libido) and still having sex with their spouse. Spouses do this all the time. Not having sexual desire, no matter the reason, is not the same as sexually denying your spouse.

Most men understand this key difference but women often times confuse the two. For many women – if their husband stops initiating sex as often or not at all then they interpret this as sexual denial when that is not the case.

Sexual denial is when you reject your spouse’s initiation of or request for sex, it is not the lack of them desiring you sexually or failure on their part to initiate sex with you.

Reasons your husband might have little to no sexual desire

When we look at reasons your husband might not want to have sex with you we have to divide these reasons into three major categories. The three categories are “Reasons that have nothing to do you”, “Reasons that definitely have to do with you” and “Reasons that may or may not have to do with you”.

First lets tackle the reasons your husband might have little to no desire to have sex with you.

Reasons that have nothing to do with you

Death of a loved one

Your husband may have lost a friend or loved one and this can take a huge toll on a man’s libido. For some men it increases their libido as sex helps to alleviate their depression. But for other men their depression causes their libido to drop. Usually though this type of event should only cause a temporary period of depression. If this goes on for years you may need to gently prod your husband into counseling if you think this is the case.

Your husband is stressed because of his job situation

Talk to him about it. Tell him how much you love him and how grateful you are for him providing for your family. Listen and empathize with his position (use your super power of empathy that God has given you as a woman). Reassure him that if in a worst case scenario he needs to look for a new job you will support that. Many women are afraid for their husband’s to switch jobs because of their need for security, but sometimes this is not what is best for your husband.

If your husband lost his job – the worst thing you can do as a wife is kick him when he is down. Let him know that you believe in him and that you know he will find something else soon. You need to be strong and not fall apart and worry about financial issues or bringing up finances to him. He knows that time is short and he needs to get a job – adding pressure will not help him. Obviously if he is being lazy or unwilling to support your family that is a different issue.

Your husband has a health issue

Maybe your husband has chronic pain issues or perhaps he has issues with ED or low testosterone. Try to gently speak with him about this. Tell him how you understand that he has chronic pain but you still need to have sex with him – you need that type of physical connection in your marriage. Some types of medication your husband takes may be killing his libido. If he has ED or low testosterone again reiterate to him how much you desire him and want to be physically intimate with him. Let him know he is not the only man that faces this and there is help – he just needs to be willing to seek it out.

Your husband was sexually abused

This is usually something you won’t find out until counseling. It is one of those issues that is usually buried deep. Basically if you can’t figure out a health issue, job issue or one of these other reasons you might want to pursue this in counseling.

Your husband thinks sex is just for having kids

Sometimes people are raised in homes or churches that teach that sex is only for having children. If your husband has this attitude toward sex, you will need to seek out counseling where a third party can help dig out this faulty and wrong view of sex.

Your husband is Asexual or has a true low libido

While these types of men are extremely rare – they do exist. Some men want a wife and they want kids but they have little desire for sex or they may even be Asexual and have NO desire for sex. Often times these men will hide this during the dating and engagement period so their fiancés won’t know and also men with low libidos or Asexuality are often mistaken for being homosexual. They want to appear like a “normal guy” so they put on a show.

But not long into the marriage they drop their guard and the show is over. Most of these men assume women don’t really care about sex so they think it won’t be a problem. While this kind of relationship is some women’s dream – most women want to have sex even if it is not as often as the average man.

You probably won’t be able to determine if your husband truly just has low libido (not for health or other reasons) or is Asexual without counseling to rule out other factors. If he is Asexual or has true low libido not caused by other factors – then you may have to initiate sex more often (and that is nothing to be ashamed of).

Your husband has homosexual desires

This has to be most women’s worst nightmare. Your husband admits to you or a counselor that the reason he has stopped having sex with you is because he has homosexual desires. He may truly love you – he simply has no sexual desire towards you because he prefers men to women. First know that you are not the first woman to face this situation and you will not be the last.

Homosexual desires exist because our flesh has been corrupted by sin. There are Christian programs that can help men recondition their minds toward heterosexual orientation. Just go online and look up a Christian counseling program in your area that can help your husband with this. But he has to be willing for this work.

Reasons that may or may not have to do with you

Your husband is addicted to porn

This may have been something that proceeded your marriage, or may have developed during your marriage but has nothing to do with you as his wife. However some men turn to porn because of their wives’ constant sexual refusal and denial. Some men turn to porn because even though their wife’s do not directly refuse them, they make having sex a difficult proposition. Some wives are overly critical of their husband’s sexual performance rather than gently asking for changes that might make their sex life better.

Your husband is having an affair

This like porn addiction is something that may or may not have to do with you. You may never deny your husband. You may rock his world in the bedroom, so this may have nothing to do with you and everything to do with him. But it may have to do with you if you been routinely denying your husband sexually. Am I saying it is right for your husband to have an affair because you were denying him?

No way!

The Bible does not allow sex outside of marriage under any conditions.

“Marriage is honourable in all, and the bed undefiled: but whoremongers and adulterers God will judge.” – Hebrews 13:4 (KJV)

But by your consistent denial you may have placed your husband in a very tempting position and he fell.

“Defraud ye not one the other, except it be with consent for a time, that ye may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again, that Satan tempt you not for your incontinency.” – I Corinthians 7:5 (KJV)

Reasons that definitely have to do with you

You are overly critical and disrespectful

Maybe your husband has not turned to porn, but rather he fills his time with hobbies (like video games) or other projects and he has no desire for you sexually because you emasculate him with your constant criticisms. For some men their sex drive is so strong – that they will still have sex with a critical woman just to get the physical release they need, but for others with weaker libidos they will redirect their sexual energy into other areas.

“Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife see that she reverence her husband.” – Ephesians 5:33 (KJV)

“A virtuous woman is a crown to her husband: but she that maketh ashamed is as rottenness in his bones.” – Proverbs 12:4 (KJV)

You have let yourself go physically

Yes this affects some men more than others. Men are visual creatures – we are designed this way by God. Now most men can handle the natural aging process women go through with their breasts sagging and them getting love handles and bellies. Our bodies change with age and the majority of men accept these realities.

But there are extremes on this issue on both sides. Some men are constantly prompting their wives to get cosmetic surgeries in an attempt for their bodies to continue to look like that of a twenty year old and that is ridiculous. However we do have the other extreme where a wife let’s her body go and she gets massively obese. Let me just speak truth into your lives ladies – while there are a few men that will find obese woman attractive, the vast majority of men will not.

Contrary to what some blogs teach – Beauty does have a weight limit!

Some men will still have sex with their wives being vastly overweight but it is no longer fueled by their sexual attraction to their wife, but it is only fueled by their need for a release. Often these men will make sure the lights are turned off before proceeding. I know this is tough to hear – but it is the truth.

“But the Bible does not say that wives have to keep themselves beautiful for their husbands!” This is a common statement brought forward by women who do not wish to do the work that it takes to keep themselves beautiful. They are right – there is not a specific passage that says a wife must keep herself beautiful for her husband. BUT there are principles of Scripture that would require a wife to keep herself beautiful for her husband.

The Church is pictured as a bride adorned for her husband

“And I John saw the holy city, new Jerusalem, coming down from God out of heaven, prepared as a bride adorned for her husband.” – Revelation 21:2 (KJV)

Ephesians 5 tells us that Marriage is a picture of the relationship of God and his people, Christ and his Church.

“For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the saviour of the body. Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing.” – Ephesians 5:23-24 (KJV)

The model of marriage is – Man is symbolic of God and Woman is symbolic of the people of God. If Christ’s bride is adorned for her husband, should a Christian wife be any less adorned for her husband?

Also a wife must remember she is to submit to her husband in “everything”. That includes in the areas of sexuality and beauty. If your husband wants you to dress a certain way as long as it is appropriate to the occasion then you should do as you husband asks. Your husband should not have to ask you to keep yourself clean and well kept, as well as not obese – you ought to do this out of the recognition that your beauty is a symbol of the beauty of Christ’s bride who adorns herself for her husband.

You used to deny him sexually

This happens a lot to Christian wives. Early in your marriage you never denied your husband and you enjoyed sex together. Then the kids came along. You had years of pregnancies, raising kids and getting them off to school. Now you can finally breathe!

What you did not realize is during all those years of business you either subtly or directly denied your husband’s sexual advances. You made him feel selfish because you were so exhausted from dealing with the kids and you thought “How can he even think of having sex with all this going on? How can he be so selfish?” This devastated your husband in a way few women can comprehend. Eventually he determined that you simply did not care about his needs but simply saw him as a paycheck and helper with the kids.

Now after years of sexual denial you have decided you are ready to have sex! Well he is done. Some men might come back from this, while others will need counseling to get their minds straightened out about this. He may have a lot of unresolved bitterness that he needs to give to the Lord before he will be able to sexually desire you again.

Questions for Wives

As a Christian wife you need to ask yourself these questions:

“Is he actually turning me down for sex or is he simply not pursuing me sexually?”

“Is he pursuing me less or not at all?”

“When was the last time I initiated sex? Have I given up after a few attempts or many attempts?

“Have I talked to him about this – directly rather than in indirect ways?”

“Am I do anything else mentioned here that can directly contribute to lowering my husband’s sexual desire for me?”

Conclusion

Am I saying that a husband is right in sexually deny his wife for any of the reasons above (whether it has to do with her or not)? Absolutely not!

“Let the husband render unto the wife due benevolence: and likewise also the wife unto the husband. The wife hath not power of her own body, but the husband: and likewise also the husband hath not power of his own body, but the wife.” I Corinthians 7:3-4 (KJV)

The Scriptures are clear – a husband and wife may not deny one another sexually. But what if he is not denying you but simply not pursuing you?

Obviously as Christians we ought to coming to the Lord daily in prayer, to both offer our thanks to him as well as our petitions. But prayer is not going to find out what your husband’s issue is.  It may resolve on it is own, but more than likely you are going to have to explore this issue with your husband  – God means for couples to talk and you can’t read each others minds.

I do believe that a husband should lead his wife in all areas, and that includes in the area of sexuality. So he should be doing at least some sexual initiating and should not be leaving all sexual initiation to his wife. Desire or lack of desire has nothing to do with it. Sex is a duty in marriage – it is to occur on a regular basis by the will of God.

But can a wife look to herself and see ways she may be contributing to her husband’s decreased sexual desire? Absolutely she should.

If a woman has done a self-evaluation and communicated with her husband her need for sexual connection and he refuses to comply then she may need to take this to next level as this may amount to sexual denial if he is actually refusing her.

If you believe your husband is sexually denying you after reading this post I suggest you read my post “4 ways to confront your husband’s sexual refusal”.

The Heresy of Skip Moen and his book Guardian Angel

Skip Moen is pretty close to what I would call a “Christian feminist cult leader”. He certainly is not the only major teacher of Christian Feminism, but he definitely has his unique brand of it. Skip Moen might be a loving husband and loving father to his children. I don’t know him personally but I don’t have to know him personally to show that his teachings are not just minor differences of interpretation but they are the very definition of heresy.

So what is this heresy that Skip Moen teaches?

I am not the first Christian to take on Skip Moen’s heresy and I hope I won’t be the last. But one of the best critical reviews of Skip Moen’s work is by Daniel Botkin and he gives a great synopsis of Skip Moen’s false teachings when he writes:

“According to Moen, the wife’s God-ordained role in the marriage, both before and after the Fall, is to be the following things to her husband: his priest and spiritual guide, his spiritual director, his boundary-setter, his confronter and corrector, his chastiser, his protector and guardian, his rescuer, his owner and manager, his shield, his sustainer, his nourisher”

http://restoredcov.org/resources/articles/guardianangel/

Skip Moen in his response to Daniel Botkin’s critical review confirms that Botkin correctly captured the essence of his teaching so we can be assured this is an accurate representation of Skip Moen’s beliefs:

“According to Botkin, “All of Moen’s descriptions of the woman’s role as the husband’s priest and spiritual guide, provider, protector, etc., etc. are derived from his misunderstanding of the ‘ezer kenegdo.” What does Botkin offer in place of my analysis?”

http://skipmoen.com/2014/02/01/a-response-to-daniel-botkins-criticism-of-guardian-angel/

So the heresy of Skip Moen is that he teaches a complete role reversal for men and women than what the Scriptures teach. His entire doctrinal position rests on one passage of Scripture:

“And the Lord God said, It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him.” – Genesis 2:18 (KJV)

The English phrase “help meet” is a translation of two Hebrew Words “ezer kenegdo”.   I previously wrote an entire post on this entitled “What did God mean when he called woman a help meet for man?” where I dive into the meaning “ezer kenegdo” and I showed that this Hebrew phrase literally means “a helper who is man’s opposite”.  Check out my post for more on “ezer kenegdo” as well as Daniel Botkin’s excellent rebuttal on the meaning of this Hebrew phrase at http://restoredcov.org/resources/articles/guardianangel/

How Skip Moen wrongly interprets Scripture

The Bible tells us that we need to rightly divide, or discern the Word of God, otherwise we may run the danger of teaching heresy.

“Study to shew thyself approved unto God, a workman that needeth not to be ashamed, rightly dividing the word of truth.” – II Timothy 2:15 (KJV)

I love word studies in the Bible. I love studying the Hebrew and Greek languages which are the languages the Bible was originally written in. I love studying the cultural backgrounds of the Scriptures. I love the Old Testament and I think it is just as important as the New.  But there is a point where we can take a word by itself and get caught up in what we think it means to the point where we ignore the context of how it used in Scripture.

So here is Skip Moen’s error. He takes what he believes “help meet” or “ezer kenegdo” means and then instead of letting the Scriptures themselves define what God meant by “help meet” he defines it himself.   He then takes his warped definition and attempts to twist the entirety of Scripture to fit what he thinks it means.

God defines what “help meet” means for us in the Scriptures

Skip Moen makes the mistake of not realizing that God interprets his own Word. You don’t need a Hebrew lexicon or a degree in Bible doctrine to see that God clearly defines what he meant by calling woman a “help meet” for man.

A help meet is one that realizes she was made to serve her husband, rather than him being made to serve her

“Neither was the man created for the woman; but the woman for the man.” – I Corinthians 11:9 (KJV)

This first principle is where all the preceding commands regarding help meets come from. If a woman rejects this principle, then it is more than likely she will reject many other Biblical commands regarding God’s will and design of woman as a help meet to man.

A help meet is one who regards her husband as her lord and master

“Likewise, ye wives, be in subjection to your own husbands… For after this manner in the old time the holy women also, who trusted in God, adorned themselves, being in subjection unto their own husbands: Even as Sara obeyed Abraham, calling him lord: whose daughters ye are, as long as ye do well, and are not afraid with any amazement.” – I Peter 3: 1 & 5-6 (KJV)

Because women were made for men as their help meets, they are to regard their husbands as their lords and masters. Sarah, a godly wife, modeled this by calling her husband her lord.

A help meet is one who submits to her husband as the Church submits to Christ

“23 For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the saviour of the body. 24 Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing.” – Ephesians 5:23-24 (KJV)

A woman who wants to be the help meet God intended her to be recognizes that God wants her to model her relationship after the relationship of Christ and his Church(with her representing the Church, and her husband representing Christ).

A help meet is one who freely submits not only her will, but also her body to her husband for his pleasure

“Let the husband render unto the wife due benevolence: and likewise also the wife unto the husband. The wife hath not power of her own body, but the husband: and likewise also the husband hath not power of his own body, but the wife.” – I Corinthians 7:3-4 (KJV)

“Let her be as the loving hind and pleasant roe; let her breasts satisfy thee at all times; and be thou ravished always with her love.” – Proverbs 5:19 (KJV)

A woman when reflecting on the first principle that God made her for her husband – will freely give her body to her husband for his pleasure and comfort.

A help meet keeps herself beautiful for her husband in the same way the Church adorns herself for Christ

“And I John saw the holy city, new Jerusalem, coming down from God out of heaven, prepared as a bride adorned for her husband.” – Revelation 21:2 (KJV)

A woman’s beauty is symbolic of the beauty of the Church. In the same way that the Church adorns herself for her husband, so too Christian wives ought to adorn themselves for their husbands.

A help meet keeps her husband’s home and bears his children

“That they may teach the young women… To be discreet, chaste, keepers at home, good, obedient to their own husbands, that the word of God be not blasphemed.” – Titus 2:4-5 (KJV)

“I will therefore that the younger women marry, bear children, guide the house, give none occasion to the adversary to speak reproachfully.” – I Timothy 5:14 (KJV)

“She looketh well to the ways of her household, and eateth not the bread of idleness.” – Proverbs 31:27 (KJV)

Two of her primary duties as a help meet to man is for a woman to bear children and manage the domestic affairs of the home.

A help meet will not bring shame to her husband

“A virtuous woman is a crown to her husband: but she that maketh ashamed is as rottenness in his bones.” – Proverbs 12:4 (KJV).

When a woman speaks disrespectfully to her husband or acts in ways that make her husband ashamed it is as rottenness in his bones. Instead a woman that praises her husband and respects her husband is his crown.

A help meet will not constantly contend or be angry with her husband

“It is better to dwell in the wilderness, than with a contentious and an angry woman.” – Proverbs 21:19

When a woman is contentious and is constantly arguing with her husband and bucking his every decision or holding grudges against him and being angry with him this is the opposite of God’s intent for her as his help meet. A woman who is surrendered to the Spirit of God and his design for her as a help meet will not be a nag to her husband.

A help meet is one who has a meek and quiet spirit toward her husband

“Likewise, ye wives, be in subjection to your own husbands… Whose adorning let it not be that outward adorning of plaiting the hair, and of wearing of gold, or of putting on of apparel; But let it be the hidden man of the heart, in that which is not corruptible, even the ornament of a meek and quiet spirit, which is in the sight of God of great price.” – I Peter 1 & 3-4 (KJV)

While a help meet should keep herself beautiful for her husband, her greatest beauty is that of her inner self, her meek and quiet spirit toward her husband.

A help meet is one who is affectionate toward her husband

“That they may teach the young women to be sober, to love their husbands…” – Titus 2:4(KJV)

A woman in her role as a help meet to her husband will not only submit to and obey him, but she will also be affectionate towards him.

A help meet is one who has her husband’s trust

“Who can find a virtuous woman? for her price is far above rubies. The heart of her husband doth safely trust in her, so that he shall have no need of spoil. She will do him good and not evil all the days of her life.” – Proverbs 31:10-12 (KJV)

A godly wife, a wife who is fulfilling her duty as a help meet to her husband will always have his back. He can trust that she will never betray him. A wife in her duty as a help meet should be her husband’s greatest cheerleader.

A help meet is one who offers her husband godly counsel

“Every wise woman buildeth her house: but the foolish plucketh it down with her hands.” – Proverbs 14:1 (KJV)

She openeth her mouth with wisdom; and in her tongue is the law of kindness.” – Proverbs 31:26 (KJV)

“As a jewel of gold in a swine’s snout, so is a fair woman which is without discretion.” – Proverbs 11:22 (KJV)

A wife who is exercising her role as the help meet God intended her to be will speak wise and godly counsel to her husband, but she we also practice discretion in knowing when to speak and when to hold her tongue.

A help meet is one who listens to her husband’s Godly counsel

“And if they will learn any thing, let them ask their husbands at home: for it is a shame for women to speak in the church.” – I Corinthians 14:35 (KJV)

While women should learn from their Pastors and other godly women as well, the first person they should look to for spiritual guidance is their husband if he is a believer. A woman who is constantly going behind her husband’s back seeking counsel that will contradict her husband’s spiritual teaching is going against God’s design for her as a help meet to her husband.

A help meet is one who submits to and receives her husband’s chastisement and correction

“But he said unto her, Thou speakest as one of the foolish women speaketh. What? shall we receive good at the hand of God, and shall we not receive evil? In all this did not Job sin with his lips.” – Job 2:10 (KJV)

And Jacob’s anger was kindled against Rachel: and he said, Am I in God’s stead, who hath withheld from thee the fruit of the womb?” – Genesis 30:2 (KJV)

“21 And David said unto Michal, It was before the Lord, which chose me before thy father, and before all his house, to appoint me ruler over the people of the Lord, over Israel: therefore will I play before the Lord. 22 And I will yet be more vile than thus, and will be base in mine own sight: and of the maidservants which thou hast spoken of, of them shall I be had in honour. 23 Therefore Michal the daughter of Saul had no child unto the day of her death.” – II Samuel 6:21-23 (KJV)

A women in her role as help meet will humbly accept the rebuke or correction of her husband when he sees sinful behavior in her life.

A help meet is one who looks to her husband for nourishment and protection

“So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself. For no man ever yet hated his own flesh; but nourisheth and cherisheth it, even as the Lord the church:” – Ephesians 5:28-29 (KJV)

While the modern meaning of the English word “cherish” has romantic connotations, the Greek that this word is translated from has the idea of protection. A wife in her role as help meet will depend on her husband and will look to him for nourishment and protection as the Church depends on Christ for its nourishment and protection.

Conclusion

As we can see from God’s Word – Skip Moen’s teaching that “the wife’s God-ordained role in the marriage, both before and after the Fall, is to be the following things to her husband: his priest and spiritual guide, his spiritual director, his boundary-setter, his confronter and corrector, his chastiser, his protector and guardian, his rescuer, his owner and manager, his shield, his sustainer, his nourisher” is heresy plain and simple.

In fact it would be correct to say that it is the complete OPPOSITE of what God’s Word teaches about the roles of men and women as God designed them to be.

If you read all the Scripture passages I have cited above – this what the truth of God’s Word actually is:

The husband’s God-ordained role in the marriage, both before and after the Fall, is to be the following things to his wife: HER spiritual guide, HER spiritual director, HER boundary-setter, HER confronter and corrector, HER chastiser, HER protector and guardian, HER rescuer, HER owner and manager, HER shield, HER sustainer, HER nourisher

Pray that God will raise up strong men to combat this wickedness that is creeping into our homes. God speaks of men like Skip Moen who are “Ever learning, and never able to come to the knowledge of the truth.”

“For of this sort are they which creep into houses, and lead captive silly women laden with sins, led away with divers lusts, Ever learning, and never able to come to the knowledge of the truth. “ – II Timothy 3:6-7 (KJV)

How many “silly women” have been led astray by Skip Moen’s teachings? The answer is far too many. God gives us our battle plan against such false teachers when he tells us to:

“Preach the word; be instant in season, out of season; reprove, rebuke, exhort with all long suffering and doctrine. For the time will come when they will not endure sound doctrine; but after their own lusts shall they heap to themselves teachers, having itching ears; And they shall turn away their ears from the truth, and shall be turned unto fables.” – II Timothy 4:2-4 (KJV)

“Be on the alert, stand firm in the faith, act like men, be strong.” – I Corinthians 16:13 (NASB)

Pray that God will raise up a new generation of Godly preachers and husbands who will take back our homes and Churches for God and rid this poisonous Christian feminist teaching from our midst.

Five Reasons Josh Duggar and Other Christian men fall into sexual immorality

JoshDuggar2

In my first post on Josh Duggar and his sexually immoral behavior, we talked about how God can forgive him and restore him if he has truly confessed his sin and sought the Lord’s forgiveness. We as the body of Christ need to be ready to receive him. In this post though I want to go back and look at what may have been the sources for Josh Duggar’s wrong decisions and ultimately sinful behavior.

This is in NO WAY meant as a judgment on Josh Duggar – God is his judge I am not.   I think if you read this post in its entirety you will see I am not approaching this in some “holier than thou” attitude, but rather I am approaching this with the attitude that all of us a Christian men could fall into this sin if we don’t learn from the mistakes of Josh Duggar.

God hold’s every person accountable for the decisions they make, even if those decisions may have been influenced by the actions or teachings of others. Having said that – nothing happens in a vacuum and I want to look at some things that may have influenced Josh Duggar’s wrong thought processes that ultimately lead him into the sinful situation in which he found himself.

Josh Duggar’s parents had a huge impact on his thought processes about sex

It is good and right for the Duggars and other Christians to stand up for marriage, and to stand against things that God calls immoral like sex outside of marriage and gay marriage. It is also good for Christian parents to try and protect their children from having sex outside of marriage by making sure when they are courting or dating that there are always other people around.

But where the Duggars and so many other Christians fail their children is in the fact that they teach their children to suppress their God given sexuality, rather than channel it in healthy ways that do not violate God’s law.

I use this illustration a lot. Let’s say you have a river running through the middle of a small town. Sometimes when you have bad rains, or in high water years it spills over into the town causing damage to the surrounding structures.

You could build some river walls along the river to the highest height it might go or perhaps you could even build a dam further upstream to control the water level of the river running through your town. But even a dam has to have release valves or eventually the water will overflow the damn and destroy the town.

The water is symbolic of our sexuality. The sea walls and the dam are symbolic of God’s law. Our sexuality is like water, it is a wonderful gift from God. But just as water can be a blessing in measured amounts but a curse when it is uncontrolled, so too our sexuality can be a blessing when channeled, but a curse when it is unbridled. God’s laws about how we may exercise our sexuality are for our own protection and also to fulfill his spiritual and temporal purposes for sex.

I realize both men and women come to sexuality from different positions, but for this conversation we are going to tackle this from the perspective of male sexuality.

As Christian parents we should never tell our sons that they are wrong for having sexual thoughts about girls or wondering what girls look like naked. This is NOT part of their sin nature, but rather by the design of God.

We should not be discouraging our sons from using the natural release valve that God has given them for their sexuality – which is masturbation. Just like that dam needs to release pressure, so too young people need to release sexual tension through masturbation.

There is absolutely no scriptural prohibition against masturbation and contrary to popular belief the Bible is not silent on masturbation. The Bible actually recognizes that masturbation will need to occur at certain points and it regulates the cleanup of masturbation in the cleanliness laws of Israel.   Check out Leviticus 15:16 – 18 where the first part is talking about a man having an emission of semen (and it’s not limited to a nocturnal emission as in Deuteronomy 23:10), then it talks about a man having an emission of semen in the act of sexual intercourse as a separate act.

Besides the fact that there is really no difference between nocturnal emissions and masturbation. A man has a nocturnal emission when he sleeps and has sexual dream. Many Christian’s have falsely taught that nocturnal emissions happen with no sexual dreaming and that is patently false. We as men will dream sexual thoughts whether we want to or not – it is by the design of God.

Josh Duggar like many Christian young people today was taught that he had to suppress his sexuality until he was married, rather than channeling it healthy ways such as masturbation. When people suppress their emotions eventually they end up acting on them in unhealthy ways and sometimes sinful ways. It no different when it comes to someone attempting to suppress their sexuality – eventually they will end up acting on it in unhealthy and sinful ways.

What will Josh be taught in rehab?

Josh Duggar has checked himself into a Reformers Unanimous Christian facility. This is actually a nationwide program that many churches use to help people deal with all types of addictions – including sexual addiction. But I am not confident that this program will work Josh, as it has not always worked for other men. I am familiar with some of their teachings as some of the Churches in the area I live host some of their programs.

This is what Josh Duggar will be taught in this program:

“If you look at any woman beside your wife and find yourself becoming aroused by her beauty or you begin to wonder what she looks like naked you need to quickly turn away or the pleasure you receive from looking at her becomes a sinful and lustful thought.

If you find yourself having any sexual imagination or sexual fantasy about any other woman than your wife you are having lustful thoughts – you need to immediately confess that sin to God and turn from those thoughts.”

Josh will be taught that God’s original intention for man in the Garden of Eden was for him to only have sexual thoughts toward a woman once he was married to her. He will be taught that God originally designed men to have a monogamous sexual nature and that their sexual desire was intended to be focused on one woman for the entirety of their lives.

He will be taught that because sin entered the world – man’s sexual nature was corrupted from a monogamous nature into a polygamous nature. He will be taught that it is the corruption of his sinful nature that causes him to desire to look at any other woman, or have sexual fantasies about any other woman than his wife.

These are two common verse of Scripture that are used in these types of Christian sexual addiction programs:

“Ye have heard that it was said by them of old time, Thou shalt not commit adultery: But I say unto you, That whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart.” – Matthew 5:27-28 (KJV)

“But every man is tempted, when he is drawn away of his own lust, and enticed. Then when lust hath conceived, it bringeth forth sin: and sin, when it is finished, bringeth forth death.” – James 1:14-15 (KJV)

Josh will be taught that the root of his problem was his own lustful desire to look at other women and take pleasure from their feminine form. Then that lead to him having sexual fantasies. His sexual fantasies then lead to him going online looking to meet up with women to have sex and eventually he found some women and had sex with them.

He will be taught that the root of all his sin was him not learning to suppress his sinful desire to look at any other woman but his wife.

Lust is not sexual arousal or sexual fantasy

The first mistake that almost every Church and Christian sexual recovery program makes is in teaching an unbiblical (yet traditional) definition of lust. They define lust as a man having sexual thoughts about a woman, instead of the letting the Bible define what it is. In fact in most Christian Churches and sexual recovery programs they will give every verse on lust except this one:

“What shall we say then? Is the law sin? God forbid. Nay, I had not known sin, but by the law: for I had not known lust, except the law had said, Thou shalt not covet.” – Romans 7:7 (KJV)

This verse is conveniently left out, because the Church wants to make lust into a separate category than covetousness. Covetousness is the desire to actually take possession of something or someone that you have not right to possess. God addresses this in the Ten Commandments:

“Thou shalt not covet thy neighbour’s house, thou shalt not covet thy neighbour’s wife, nor his manservant, nor his maidservant, nor his ox, nor his ass, nor any thing that is thy neighbour’s.” – Exodus 20:10 (KJV)

The Pharisees only looked at outward actions and not the thoughts of the heart that proceeded those actions.   This is why Christ was reminding them that covetous thoughts can proceed adultery, just as in other passages Christ shows that hateful thoughts can proceed murder. God does not just condemn sinful actions – he condemns the sinful thoughts that may or may not proceed sinful actions.

You can’t fight sexual addiction without targeting the real enemy

So where these Christian programs often fail, and even many secular programs fail is in attacking the wrong source of sexual sin.

Make no mistake, sexual addiction and sexual promiscuity are problems that we must tackle as Christians.

But the enemy is NOT our sexuality, but rather it is our addictive and compulsive behavior.

We don’t tell food addicts that food is their enemy, but rather their addictive and compulsive behavior toward food and the same concept applies to our God given sexuality.

Men have visual and polygynous sexual natures whether we want to admit it or not

Josh Duggar like many other men has a very high sex drive and natural need for variety. And by variety I mean a variety of women.

“the average man’s brain is sexually stimulated by visual cues and is built for variety…

Using functional MRI scans, researchers examined the brains of young men as they looked at pictures of beautiful women. They found that feminine beauty affects a man’s brain at a very primal level – similar to what a hungry person gets from a good meal or addict gets from a fix. One of the researchers said, “This is hard core circuitry. This is not a conditioned response.” Another concluded, “Men apparently cannot do anything about their pleasurable feelings [in the presence of beauty]”

Dr. Walt Larimore, MD – pg. 99 “His Brain, Her Brain”

Dr. Walt Lairmore (a Christian physician) stopped short of coming to the conclusion that we know is true from looking at the Bible as well as men from a mental and physical perspective. Men are wired to seek out a variety of women, men are wired to be polygynous (to be a husband to multiple wives).

But because the Roman Empire passed laws that over several centuries greatly diminished the practice of polygamy and enshrined monogamous marriage in Western culture we have the situation where we force polygynous men into monogamous marriages.

In essence when we ask a man to vow to only love one woman, and only have sex with one woman we are asking him to vow to suppress his natural God given desire to have multiple wives. Most men except for the few that have the gift of celibacy have polygynous natures whether they consciously realize it or not.

Some Christian husbands will take offense at what I just said and say “I only love my wife and I have and have never had any desire to take another wife”. But the truth is in most cases these husbands are simply lying to themselves and they have spent so many years telling themselves this because this is what their church and the female side of our society expects from men.

Other Christian men recognize their polygynous desires but they dismiss these desires as a corruption of their God given male nature – in essence they are convinced this is part of their sinful nature or they are trained to by Christian sexual recovery programs like the one Josh Duggar is currently attending to believe this. So they spend their entire lives asking God to forgive them anytime they are aroused by another woman or wonder what another woman beside their wife looks like naked. Every time they have a sexual fantasy or dream they are asking God to forgive them, in essence they live in a perpetual state of war not with their sinful nature, but with their God given sexual nature.

Five reasons Josh Duggar could have fell into sexual immorality

Josh Duggar is not the first Christian husband to watch porn and masturbate and then get on dating sites and finally meet up with women to have sex. To say this same scenario has occurred with thousands of other men or even more would be an understatement.

Here are five reasons Josh Duggar and so many others Christian husbands fall into this type of sexual immorality.

They allowed their sexuality to dominate and overpower their lives, rather than controlling and channeling their sexuality within the bounds of God’s law and design.

“All things are lawful unto me, but all things are not expedient: all things are lawful for me, but I will not be brought under the power of any.” – I Corinthians 6:12 (KJV)

Many Christian men rather than controlling and channeling their God given male sexuality – have allowed it to overpower them and control their life. The results of unbridled and uncontrolled sexuality are on display before us in what happened to Josh Duggar.

They allowed their normal visual sexual arousal and imagination to turn into covetousness

Again there is not one passage of the Bible that condemns a man’s visual arousal or sexual imagination. Not one. But what can happen is men can allow that natural visual arousal and imagination to turn into covetous thoughts as we see happened with Josh Duggar.

They allowed their faulty view of their own sexuality to rationalize their sin

I can’t tell you how often I get accused by my fellow conservative Christians of rationalizing sin because of my teachings (based on the Bible) about polygamy, lust and sexuality. But the real rationalizing of sexual sin goes something like this.

Because most Christian Churches and sexual addiction programs teach that a man is committing mental adultery by watching porn or being sexually aroused by any kind of female imagery many Christian men rationalize – “If I am already committing adultery by viewing porn, I might as well do the real thing and have sex with an actual woman instead of just imagining it”.

So in essence the false interpretation of Matthew 5:28 that they have been taught actually promotes sin rather than discouraging it. Christ was saying in Matthew 5:28 if a man looks on a woman “to lust after her” – to covet her (to think about how he would might take possession of her) then he has committed adultery with her in his heart. He was not condemning sexual arousal and sexual imagination as these are part of his natural design of male sexuality.

They allowed their natural polygynous nature to be corrupted into a promiscuous nature

As I mentioned previously God has created men as naturally polygynous creatures, but our sin nature wants to corrupt our God given polygynous nature into a promiscuous nature.

Even in the ancient times of the Bible not every man was able to act on his polygynous nature. For the most part only wealthier men were able to act on their polygynous natures by having more than one wife. Many less wealthy men were fortunate if they could have even one wife. Often poor men or men that were slaves were not able to have wives at all.

But what happens often is when men find themselves frustrated by not being able to find a wife, or even men that have wives desiring more wives they turn to promiscuous activities like going to prostitutes or whorish women.

Because their wives have sexually denied them

Some men because their wives sexually deny, or severely restrict how often or what ways they may have sex feel justified in seeking sex with other women. In their hurt and frustration they act out in sinful ways. But one sin never justifies another. Just as a woman does not have the right to deny her husband sex because of sinful things he might be doing, in the same way a husband does not have the right to go out and have sex with other women because his wife is sexually denying him or not fully giving herself sexually to him. We don’t know if Josh’s wife was sexually denying him, but even she was this does not justify him going out and having sex with other women.

So what is the answer for Christian men like Josh Duggar?

Let me just reiterate when I say “Christian men like Josh Duggar” I am not singling him out in any way trying to say he is some rare case – the only difference is that he was public figure.   All of us as Christian men should have the sixteenth century reformer John Bradford’s attitude toward Josh Duggar’s sin – “there but for the grace of God go I”.

Here are six ways we as Christian men can avoid falling into the same sexual immorality that Josh Duggar did:

We must hide God’s Word in our heart

“Thy word have I hid in mine heart, that I might not sin against thee.” – Psalm 119:11 (KJV)

We can’t distinguish between our sinful nature and the nature God designed us with without knowing God’s Word. God’s Word is the “Cannon” or measure by which we must judge our actions.

We must take every thought captive to Christ

“Casting down imaginations, and every high thing that exalteth itself against the knowledge of God, and bringing into captivity every thought to the obedience of Christ;” – II Corinthians 10:5 (KJV)

Any thought that we have we run through the filter of Christ and his Word.   Oh and for those who always ask me “Would Christ allow himself to have sexual thoughts about a woman” – Christ had the gift of celibacy rather than the gift of sexuality. It would have gone against his mission from God to be married (despite conspiracy theories to the contrary).

Accept our male sexual nature

As Christian men we must accept our male nature (including our sexual nature) as God designed it. Our fight is against our sin nature, not our male nature.

We must fight against sexual excess

We cannot allow ourselves to be over-powered by our own male sexuality.  Satan wants to take a good thing God created – our sexuality – and turn it against us to destroy our families and our lives. We should not suppress our sexuality, but at the same time we must channel it to experience it within the bounds of God’s law.

We must fight against covetousness

We must fight against our flesh that wants to take our normal sexual desires, our visual sexual arousal and our imagination(all which are gifts from God) and turn them into covetous thoughts which eventually could lead us into fornication or adultery.

We must depend on God’s strength

We cannot fight against the sinful desires of flesh in our own strength or will power we can only fight our flesh with the help of the power of God.

“But be not thou far from me, O Lord: O my strength, haste thee to help me.” – Psalm 22:19 (KJV)

Josh Duggar PhotoSource: https://www.flickr.com/photos/96024429@N00/17781684170/in/photostream/

JimBob and Michelle Duggar PhotoSource: https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/3/3c/Jim_Bob_%26_Michelle_Duggar.jpg

 

Stories of Sexual Denial in Marriage – Episode 5

Our next story of sexual denial comes from a man named Owessco and he is from Liberia.  He sent this is in as public comment on my post “8 ways to confront your wife’s sexual denial”.

Here is his story:

My name is Owessco from Liberia, I read your article and it is so interesting and would like to share my own experience for your advise.
My wife and I have been married for the past almost ten years, but with no child to consumate our bond. She thinks I am the one with the problem and so she has resulted to constantly refusing me in be for sex whenever I needed to. Her last instance in quite these few days is walking out on me from the room to the extend of even sleeping in the living room.

In response to her action, I am forced to allow her have her will. So as it stands, I am playing the “ok go ahead and stay by yourself role”. And we are not talking to each other and I moved out of our room to the quest room. This way, I feel I am doing the right thing to avoid confrontations by forcing myself on her. Seeing her go to the bathroom and creaming infront of me definitely puts me off and I am trying as hard as possible to avoid such lawful temptation.

 

This was my response to his tragic story:

Owessco,

I am sorry to hear about the situation with your wife.  Are you and your wife Christians?

It sounds as if you wife has some bitterness towards you for not giving her a child.  Have you two been to a doctor to see which of you or if both of you are infertile or perhaps there is something they could do with it?

Even if you can’t have a child naturally – have you considered adoption?

I am not saying that your inability to have a child with your wife is an excuse for your wife’s actions toward you – but I do understand the natural yearning that God has placed in women to bare children.  In the Bible a woman named Hannah faced a similar dilemma as your wife is now:

“1 Now there was a certain man of Ramathaimzophim, of mount Ephraim, and his name was Elkanah, the son of Jeroham, the son of Elihu, the son of Tohu, the son of Zuph, an Ephrathite: 2 And he had two wives; the name of the one was Hannah, and the name of the other Peninnah: and Peninnah had children, but Hannah had no children.

3 And this man went up out of his city yearly to worship and to sacrifice unto the Lord of hosts in Shiloh. And the two sons of Eli, Hophni and Phinehas, the priests of the Lord, were there. 4 And when the time was that Elkanah offered, he gave to Peninnah his wife, and to all her sons and her daughters, portions:

5 But unto Hannah he gave a worthy portion; for he loved Hannah: but the Lord had shut up her womb.

6 And her adversary also provoked her sore, for to make her fret, because the Lord had shut up her womb.

7 And as he did so year by year, when she went up to the house of the Lord, so she provoked her; therefore she wept, and did not eat.

8 Then said Elkanah her husband to her, Hannah, why weepest thou? and why eatest thou not? and why is thy heart grieved? am not I better to thee than ten sons?”

I Samuel 1:1- 8 (KJV)

While God ultimately gave Hannah a son, he does not always provide women with a child.  What this story illustrates for us is both the frustration of a wife at being childless and the frustration of a husband for feeling like he is not enough for her.  I am sure that is how you feel and perhaps your wife feels like Hannah in this story.

The pain that women feel from being childless is something we as men can barely comprehend.  Yes men want kids too, but being childless does not affect us the way it does a woman.  But what your wife needs to realize is in many ways the pain she feels of being childless is the way you feel of being emotionally and sexually shut out by her.  In the same way that men cannot fully grasp how being childless can cause a woman pain to the her core, women often cannot grasp the pain they cause their husbands by sexually shutting them out.

This is what I would suggest.

Make sure you have tried every way you can – seeing doctors to try and have a child.  If you already have then look into adoption.  Tell your wife how much you love her and want to provide her with a child.

But the most important truth you need to share with your wife is that true contentment and joy does not come from things or even people.  She cannot hinge her joy and contentment on having a child, or even on your.  Your bodies may fail to give you a child, but God is always there.  He is the one true constant. She needs to find contentment in God, and then realize the sinful way she has been treating you.

God commands a wife to give her body to her husband for sex. You cannot condone an attitude from her “until you provide me with a child, I will not provide you with sex” – this is a sinful attitude and must be confronted.

Seek out Godly counseling for you and your wife. Perhaps God will change her heart.
If after a long time of counseling she continues to act in rebellious ways you may have to take further actions.

But I would start there.

The undated wife

Recently I received an anonymous comment from a Christian wife. For the sake of this post we will just refer to her as “the undated wife”.

The undated wife writes:

“I have read many of the posts on your site and I agree with some things you say. I agree that women should not deny sex to their husbands and I do not deny sex to my husband, although there are many times I don’t feel like having sex with him.

But I think you miss the fact that women have an equal right to be dated by their husbands. Why do men think that dating is just before marriage? Why do men stop dating their wives after they get married?

Let me give you a little bit of background to my situation. I married my husband about 8 years ago, we were both divorced. I had no children from my previous marriage (I am unable to have children). He had three kids from a previous marriage that he has joint custody of. Now they are all teenagers. I love his kids and they love me.

I am a stay at home wife.

My husband says he loves me. He is a good provider. He is a good father to our children. But he works all the time. Even when he comes home from the office, he takes his laptop out many times and continues to read and answer emails all evening long. The only time he seems to carve out anytime is when his kids come to our house. Then he spends time with them. In fact sometimes I feel like the minute his kids arrive I am not even there.

There are times when he realizes he has not been paying enough attention to me and purposefully does not take out his laptop. We just sit and talk or watch some TV together. But I have told him I feel he needs to make more of an effort to date me. He needs to take me out to dinner more, he needs to take me to the movies. He should be taking me on weekend getaways several times a year like he did many years ago. He has turned into a “homebody” – he is fine with just being home with me and the kids.

I said he is a good provider and good father. I don’t feel he is a good husband to me. I always feel like his kids and his job come first, and I am always last on his “to do list”. Sure when I say something to him about feeling neglected – he will try for a while to talk with me more, and he might even take me out once in a great while. But I want more! Don’t I deserve to be his number priority? Why do I always have to feel like I am second to his job or the kids?

I got him to go to counseling with our Pastor whom he respects. Our pastor told him he needed to date me, he needed to take me out once a week. He need to take me on a weekend getaway at least twice a year. My husband MAYBE might take me out once a month on date. He has not taken me on a weekend getaway in a year and half. He says we don’t have enough money for trips right now and I just have to be patient (we had to cancel our family vacation this summer because of finances). He tells me things will get better financially in a couple years after we pay off the debt. A couple years!!!!! If something is important to you – you make it happen. But again I am not as important to him as his job or his kids. God says a wife is to be her husband’s number one priority right? That means I come before everything – his kids, his job.

I read your post on how a man is to know his wife – I almost cried when I read it because I want that from my husband. I want to feel like his number one priority.

I just feel like all I am here for is to do his and his kids laundry, cook for them and drive them places, and of course have sex with him.

I feel more like a maid and a sex slave than his wife!

Can you maybe write a post about husbands loving their wives before everything else? Can you write about how God wants men to date their wives? Isn’t that what loving your wife is? To date her, to make her feel like she is your number one priority?”

Now normally this is the part where I start offering what I believe to be Biblical advice to this wife.  But I am going to do something different this time.  I have a lot of Christian women that read and comment on my blog and I would like to hear back from you on this.  Of course if you start getting nasty toward me on other positions I take then your comment won’t make it through.  But if you stick to this post, and what this women says in a respectful way your comment just might make it through.

I look forward to the discussion.  I will post my own thoughts on this later.