Stories of Sexual Denial in Marriage Episode 8

“I have read your article entitled, “8 Steps to confront your wife’s sexual refusal” and you are not a 100% right – but 150% right if that is possible.  I can say this with confidence because I am an actual text book case — this happened to me.  No theory here.” – This is part of an email I received today from a man who calls himself Andrew J(not his real name).

Feminists and other Christians who just want this issue of sexual denial to be swept under the rug want this to go away. They want my site to go away – but it continues to grow because this is a real problem and part of the larger problem of feminism and emotionalism invading and destroying our marriages.

Good men, men who love their wives and children and provide for them both physically, spiritually and emotionally  are being defrauded in their marriages.

I love Andrew J’s writing style and he was very adamant about sharing his story and making sure other men don’t suffer alone and think there is nothing they can do to combat this evil.   So with all that being said here is his story.

Andrew J’s Story

I have read your article entitled, “8 Steps to confront your wife’s sexual refusal” and you are not a 100% right – but 150% right if that is possible.  I can say this with confidence because I am an actual text book case — this happened to me.  No theory here.

I was married 22 years before getting divorced in 2013.  During my marriage, I never cheated on my wife, I brought home a very large income and let my wife get anything she needed.  We had started out with nothing together and by the time we were married 17 years, I had brought home enough that she didn’t have to work, even with 5 children and could afford a big house.

I always made sure that I was kind and a real marriage partner to my wife and a good father by being a Godly role model, reading the bible to my children, etc. as I am to this day.  I only required sex one day a week.  I never hit or raised a hand to her.  My parents set a great example to me as marriage partners and parents.  (They celebrated their 50th wedding anniversary last year).  I do not gamble, have a drinking problem, nor do I spend much.  I am quite thrifty.  My parents had nothing and taught my sister and I to work hard and save, be loyal and not get divorced but work things out.  I have been working since the 7th grade.  What I am trying to say, is that there was no legitimate reason why what was about to happen to me should have ever occurred based on my behavior.

In May of 2009, my wife at the time informed me that if I really “loved her” that I would not ask for sex.  She asked for a “break from sex”.  Her reasoning was that I wanted sex all the time and that she had been unhappy during the entirety of our past 17 years of marriage.  She made me feel like a sex maniac.  At the time, we just moved into a new big house and we had everything in life you could want – great kids, the best house in the town, etc.  She also refused to sleep in our bed and instead slept on the couch.  She also stopped going to church.

I tried everything I could to get her to have sex with me.  I asked for forgiveness for anything that could have made her mad at me.  I asked her what I could to make the situation better. What I didn’t realize is that this only made the situation worse.  Once she figured that she had me over a barrel, she began to disrespect me, take advantage of the situation and made me feel terrible about myself.  She also began ignoring me (would not go on dates with me) and wanted to go out with friends.  What happened was this:  now that she could get away with this, she figured she could get away with a lot of other stuff.

I was heartbroken.  In July, we met with the Pastor’s right hand man at our church, which had no effect on her.  He was not firm enough with her.  In September of 2009, we went to her father’s recommended Christian counselor, she also was not firm enough.  I went to this counselor from September 2009 to December 2010.  My ex-wife came a few times but hardly said anything.

When she did speak, she kept saying how I always wanted sex.  She also said that when I demanded more sexual positions beside the missionary position and oral sex, that I made it worse.  (We had done the missionary position for 7 years straight when I asked for this.)  The counseling did nothing to change her mind about sex.  The counselor never said she was wrong or called it sexual immorality like you so correctly noted.  My ex-wife’s father, who is a very religious man and divorced twice, kept putting the onus on me to change.  He told me (at the time he was divorced a second time) that he hadn’t had sex for months so I shouldn’t feel so bad (I was married at the time.)  (This is a man who claims he knows the bible inside-out and goes to a large size church.) In summary, everyone made me feel like the bad guy on her side, except her uncle who told me he suspected an affair going on by her, because this is sex we are talking about, not a need, like food or water – except when my parents when they found out.

My parents opened my eyes to the truth about sex as you so pointed out in your article.  My sister, who is happily married, also did.  I realized that wanting sex is not a sin.  My desire was not wrong.  I also read the book, “His Needs, Her Needs,” which says that a man’s number one need is sex in marriage.

In summary, I essentially did steps 1 to 3 in your article during this period.  Intuitively, I realized later after my divorce that I should have done essentially what you said in steps 4-7.  When I read your article yesterday, it only confirmed what I believe should have been my right course of action — I should have done steps 5 to 7.  It sounds wrong but you are totally right.  As you can see by what I did, by not doing steps 4 to 7, I only made things worse because I was trying to be the “nice guy.”

To finish my story, she did not want to divorce me because financially she was “living it up.”  A divorce would only lead to a monetary loss for her.  My life consisted of getting up at 530 am for an hour and half commute to Manhattan, working all day and into the evening and then getting home at 7 or 8 pm.  After a while, she wasn’t even making me dinner – as I mentioned she began to see that she could get away with this too.  Then I would go upstairs to sleep alone.  During this time when I still was living in the house and she would not have sex with me (September 2009 to December 2010), I did not cheat on her or go to any topless bars.  I only masturbated to get through this.  (I am giving you the dates of when things happened so you can see I really tried to work things out and just didn’t give up right away.)

In October 2010, I informed her that I would have to do the unthinkable – divorce her if she did not stop denying me.  This phased her for about one day.  In December 2010, she asked that I leave the house for the “children’s sake.”  She did this so she could go sleep in what was supposed to be our bedroom and have free reign of the household.  My oldest daughter also told me that she had an affair with the mechanic who was a neighbor at our old house.  I thought that such was occurring and confronted this man twice about staying away from our house, when I lived there.  This is the man that her uncle warned me about.  She berated me for this action telling me he was just trying to help us with house repairs.  I clearly see now that all of this was deception using religion, “love” and other reasons to show me that I was wrong (and sex was wrong to demand) and she was right.

But as you pointed out, she was sexually immoral and I was right. I don’t believe in divorce.  It was the most difficult thing for me to do.  After I moved out, I lived with my parents from January 2011 to June 2013.  I finally filed for divorce in August 2011 with my sister coming with me to do it.  I asked God for forgiveness.

I realize by your article that I actually divorced based on sexual immorality and you set me free from that condemnation.  I filed because things only got worse and she enjoyed the lifestyle and didn’t care that I was around.  The last straw occurred when I was informed that I was going to lose my job in July 2011 and she didn’t really care about me.  Just the job and the money.  I realized the marriage was over.

I am taking the time to write all this because I want other men to know that a wife needs to have sex with her husband.  Yes, husbands, need to be Godly men but sex is not a favor you get for being a “good boy.”

I want men to know that tough love is required.  Anything else doesn’t work for when she denies you sex.  That sex is not a bad thing that religion and love have nothing to do with showing that sex is wrong.  Sex is a great thing created by God for man and his wife.  That getting divorced for sexual immorality is the only choice you have if she won’t change!

For me, I had to get divorced — it was because I was devastated emotionally and physically.  I was falling apart.  It was good that I left the house because she was literally toxic to my health and well-being.  I lost weight, I could not concentrate, I felt awful and cried constantly.  During this time, I went to church and never blamed God for any of this.  He got me through the divorce and the aftermath today.  My parents, friends and the Lord built me up to where I am today.  I have no problem letting married people know that should have sex and that no sex in a marriage means “no marriage” as my sister put it.

I thank God for you to have the courage to speak the truth about this matter.  I have no problem with you publishing this article.”

My Response to Andrew J

First of all Andrew I want to thank you so much for sharing your story. So many men suffer in silence with this and think they are the only ones who do, or that even if other men suffer with this there is nothing they can do about it.

As you pointed out often times counselors either give bad advice about this or they are not hard enough on the woman and usually tend to make an unending list of excuses for her sexual denial.

This is why we must be as the Bereans who “searched the scriptures daily, whether those things were so”(Acts 17:11).

There are still Churches(especially among the Baptist denomination that I am a part of) that will take a hard stand on this in marital counseling.  But even in those churches there are few who would condone a man divorcing his wife over the sin of sexual refusal.   This is because most Churches see only two Biblical reasons for divorce – adultery and abandonment.

What they fail to recognize,and I am glad that you did, is the fact that  Biblical marital faithfulness is truly a two sided coin.   On one side of it you cannot have sex with someone other than your spouse. But on the other side you MUST have sex with your spouse.

I am glad that you realize that your wife was sexually immoral both before she had that affair near the end and even before that when she was sexually denying you.

The acts of sexual defrauding AND adultery are acts of sexual immorality.

Often times if a woman is capable of one of these, she is capable of the other.  Many women because they are completely lead by their emotions and passions instead of their duty to their husbands will begin with defrauding their husbands first.

They do this because they feel he has not earned the “emotional right” to have sex with them. This only serves to further alienate their husbands.  Then after this denial goes on for sometime they seek to have their passions fed by other men who will worship them and tell them whatever they want to hear at which point they then give their bodies to those men in the act of adultery.

Your ex-wife is a textbook case of this scenario which is occurring in marriages across America and the Western world each and every day.

I am glad your family and especially your sister were there to comfort you and help you to see the evil that was being committed against your marriage by your wife.

I am sure you would admit that you were not the perfect husband.  But God does require men to be the perfect husbands for wives to fulfill a core and foundational requirement of marriage  which is to give their bodies to their husbands for their sexual needs.

You have also demonstrated what I have stated on this blog that the “Mr. Nice Guy” approach does not work.  

As Christian husbands we should never appease sinful behavior, rather we must confront it head on.

You sound like a man of good Christian character, one who loved his wife and tried everything he could to repair the marriage and confront the mockery that his wife was making of his marriage.

I don’t know if you are dating or remarried, but If you are not I pray that God will give you the courage to seek out another wife.  You have every right to, and can hold your head high knowing you did what was right before the Lord.

But remember the lessons you have learned from your first marriage and apply them to your next marriage.  Yes as a husband you should love your wife by leading her, providing for her, protecting her, knowing her and honoring her.  But on the flip side of that you must also discipline your wife and use correlation to show her that sinful behavior whether it is blatant disrespect or disobedience or sexual denial will not be tolerated.

Before you get engaged to a woman – your understanding  of the Biblical duties of a husband and wife should be made clear to her.

A good Christian woman will respect all these attributes in Christian husband.

May God be with you and bless you.  Thank you again for sharing your story.