Can a Christian Woman Have Children Without a Husband?

Is it wrong for a Christian woman to desire to have children without having to marry first?  In other words, can a Christian woman simply adopt children and form a family without a husband? What if a Christian woman wants a husband and children but she wants them much later in life so she can pursue educational and career interests?

The questions above are a summary of questions I recently received from a young woman named Jill who is a college student.  Jill, like many young women in recent decades, would like to put off having children longer and even when she does she wonders if she needs to have a husband to have children.  But before I get to Jill’s email we need to talk about the unsettling fact that there are more and more women like Jill who are choosing to wait much longer to have children and if they have children at all they have fewer children than women of previous generations.

Women Are Marrying and Having Children Much Later In Life

wrote an article for BusinessInsider.com entitled “Why having kids later is a really big deal“.  In this article she made the following conclusions based on CDC study that showed women having children much later in life:

“The average age of first-time mothers is increasing because more women are waiting until their 30s and 40s to start having kids and fewer women are having their first kids in their teens and 20s, the CDC report says.

The majority of all births are still to women under 35 (about 85% of the total), but rates for all births, not just of a first child, to women over 35 have been rising over the past 20 years, while birth rates for younger women are stable or declining…

Data from the World Bank show the seven countries where the average age of women giving birth to their first child is above 30 (Greece, Australia, South Korea, Japan, Italy, Switzerland, and Luxembourg, according to the CIA World Factbook) all have general fertility rates below what’s called the replacement rate. That means the generation currently having kids isn’t having enough to replace itself. Countries with low fertility rates have populations that are aging and set to shrink, meaning fewer people of working age have to support more older dependents.”

Let me summarize what this article above just said.  If the world continues down the path of westernization with women becoming more focused on their education and careers than on having children it won’t just be a few countries where the population is shrinking.  Instead it will be the world population that begins to shrink.

Each generation will be smaller than the one that preceded it.   To say this will cause problems for governments and economies is a vast understatement.  And the world population will continue to decline unless this trend of women being more education and career oriented is stopped.

A United Nations Report entitled “World Population in 2300”  states that if the rest of the world follows western countries in having less children than the replacement level needed the world population will drop to 2.3 billion by the year 2300.  To put that in perspective, today the world has 7.6 billion people so that means the world population will drop by 70 percent over the next three centuries.

So as we can see Jill is not in the minority of western women with her thoughts about having a career and having children later in life.  She is in the majority of women who are choosing to put off having children to a much later age than women of the past and there are very real consequences for this decision by the women of this generation.

With all that said as introduction we will now dive into Jill’s email to me.

Jill’s Questions

“I am a Christian female university student in my mid-20s.  I am currently in a Bible college. I want to pursue a Master’s, and I want to be in charge of a library. I have a question. Is this considered “authority?” If I am in charge of a library used by men and women, and in charge of hiring men and women, is this wrong?

I am unmarried. I do not want to get married. I just am not interested in it. 1 Corinthians 7 says that it is okay, and even good, to stay unmarried. I often have asexual feelings and I just do not care for marriage.

I want to have children, much later in life. I know a godly woman who never married, though she wanted to. She adopted a girl who had little chance of ever being adopted by a two-parent family. The result has been beautiful. I have prayed about this, and I still am praying. I desire something similar in my life, if it is God’s plan.

If I ever have children, I will work in a school or other similar setting so that I am home when my child/children is home, and away when they are away during school hours. I will even work from home if I have to. I want to have a child or two, I want a dog, I want to direct a library and if I do not do that then I would like to teach at a Christian school or work in ministry. I want to be a kind boss. I want to show God’s love everywhere I go. I want to help people

If I ever get married, I feel led for it to be an equal-but-different partnership. I pray about these things. I feel led by God in this direction, at least for now.

I would like to hear your thoughts. Please comment on each of these paragraphs and tell me what you think. “

Now as Jill requested I will answer each of her statements.

Should Women Be in Jobs Which Place Them Over Men?

Jill ‘s Statement:

“I am a Christian female university student in my mid-20s.  I am currently in a Bible college. I want to pursue a Master’s, and I want to be in charge of a library. I have a question. Is this considered “authority?” If I am in charge of a library used by men and women, and in charge of hiring men and women, is this wrong?”

Yes someone who hires people is an authority.  If you are hiring men, then you are any authority over men.

The Scriptures tell us that man is to be the head of woman and this is not restricted to just the Church and the Home and would also extend to society in general:

But I would have you know, that the head of every man is Christ; and the head of the woman is the man; and the head of Christ is God.

1 Corinthians 11:3 (KJV)

In our modern culture we don’t want to admit it but we know it is unnatural for a woman to be in authority over a man.  Think male secretary to a female a boss. This is because God designed for man to be over woman in all things.

In the Old Testament we are told that women ruling over men is just as shameful as it would be for children to oppress men:

“As for my people, children are their oppressors, and women rule over them. O my people, they which lead thee cause thee to err, and destroy the way of thy paths.

Isaiah 3:12 (KJV)

Even the heroine of modern day Christian feminists, Deborah, said this when the cowardly men of Israel insisted that she go into battle with them:

And Barak said unto her, If thou wilt go with me, then I will go: but if thou wilt not go with me, then I will not go.

And she said, I will surely go with thee: notwithstanding the journey that thou takest shall not be for thine honour; for the Lord shall sell Sisera into the hand of a woman. And Deborah arose, and went with Barak to Kedesh.”

Judges 4:8-9 (KJV)

We know that Deborah was refering to Jael, the wife of Heber, who eventually killed Sisera.  But Deborah talked about the honor being removed from Barak and these other cowardly men for insisting a woman go into battle with them. There was no praise  for these men in what they did.

So the second part of the answer to your question is – you as a woman should not seek authority over men.   Now sometimes because of this sinful world we live in women are sometimes placed over men – but Christian women should not seek this out.

Is Celibacy Right Before God?

Jill’s Statement:

“I am unmarried. I do not want to get married. I just am not interested in it. 1 Corinthians 7 says that it is okay, and even good, to stay unmarried. I often have asexual feelings and I just do not care for marriage.”

It is true that Paul calls celibacy “good” in I Corinthians 7 and he honors celibacy in service to God:

“26  I suppose therefore that this is good for the present distress, I say, that it is good for a man so to be

32 But I would have you without carefulness. He that is unmarried careth for the things that belong to the Lord, how he may please the Lord: 33 But he that is married careth for the things that are of the world, how he may please his wife.

34 There is difference also between a wife and a virgin. The unmarried woman careth for the things of the Lord, that she may be holy both in body and in spirit: but she that is married careth for the things of the world, how she may please her husband.

35And this I speak for your own profit; not that I may cast a snare upon you, but for that which is comely, and that ye may attend upon the Lord without distraction.

I Corinthians 7:26 & 32-35 (KJV)

Celibacy is an exception that God makes to his first command to mankind in Genesis 1:28 to be fruitful and multiply(to marry, have sex and have children).  God’s normative design was for man to image him by being a husband to a wife and father to children and going out in the world about his work.  He created woman to help man to fulfill his mission to image God by her dependence upon her husband for his leadership, provision and protection and by her serving him and submitting to him. In this way the husband and wife relationship pictures the relation of God to his people with man modeling God and woman modeling the people of God.

Celibacy should only be sought after either because a person has NO desire for a spouse and NO desire for children or their zeal and dedication to serve God is so strong that it makes any thought they would have of having a family seem like nothing. This kind of person wants to dedicate their life in a undivided way in service to God.  Now that does not mean celibate women have to be nuns.  They could be missionary nurses or doctors, they could be school teachers or a host other occupations in undivided service to God.

So yes, celibacy is a good thing and it is even called a gift in the Bible.  But it is only a good thing if it is pursued for the right reasons and not in order for someone to fulfill their own selfish ambitions or for someone to escape gender roles that God has assigned to marriage.

Can a Christian Woman Have Children Without a Husband?

Jill’s Statement:

“I want to have children, much later in life. I know a godly woman who never married, though she wanted to. She adopted a girl who had little chance of ever being adopted by a two-parent family. The result has been beautiful. I have prayed about this, and I still am praying. I desire something similar in my life, if it is God’s plan.”

Many Christian women have had children without a husband over the centuries.  But it is important to understand how they came to be the mother of children without a husband.

Some women were raped and then gave birth to their rapist’s child and they had to raise this child on their own.  Some women did have a husband, but perhaps they became pregnant and then he died.   Other single women have faced situations where they had no choice but to take orphaned or needy children in who had not place to go.   God honors all these situations where these women courageously raised these children on their own.

But these women did not purposefully seek to have children without first being married to a husband.  These situations were thrust upon them by God.

But for you to purposefully seek out having children (even through adoption) without first having a husband is a violation of God’s design for how we are to go about having children. 

The Bible tells us God’s design for when women should have children:

14 I will therefore that the younger women marry, bear children, guide the house, give none occasion to the adversary to speak reproachfully.

1 Timothy 5:14 (KJV)

God’s design for women having children is simple and straight forward.  First a woman marries a man.  Then she joins with her husband to fulfill God’s command to be fruitful and multiply by freely and regularly giving her body to her husband in the marriage bed.  Then she has children as a result of her obedience to give herself to her husband. She cares for the needs of her husband and children.  She also takes care of the affairs of the home after marriage.  This is God’s order, this is God’s design.

Jill, you are making up your own design for the family by even entertaining the thought of trying to have children without first being married.   And yes God will sometimes still bless us in spite of the fact that we went about something the wrong way, but that does not make it right for us to do.

Can A Woman Work While the Kids Are School?

Jill’s Statement:

“If I ever have children, I will work in a school or other similar setting so that I am home when my child/children is home, and away when they are away during school hours. I will even work from home if I have to. I want to have a child or two, I want a dog, I want to direct a library and if I do not do that then I would like to teach at a Christian school or work in ministry. I want to be a kind boss. I want to show God’s love everywhere I go. I want to help people”

It is admirable that if you had children you would want to make sure you were home when they are home.  But being a wife and mother is about so much more than just being home when your children or husband are home.  It is about caring for the home while they are gone, taking care of their clothing needs, the house needs and preparing food so that when your husband and children come home everything is done and in order.  If you try and work while they are out and get home just before they do then you will have to do all these things in the evening and you will have little time or energy for your family.

A lot of women who aspire to have careers do not consider these things.  The greatest lie of feminism is “you can have it all”.  No you can’t.  You must make a choice. Will you fully dedicate your life and time to your family and the help-meet position God made you for or will you try and dedicate half your time to your own desires and give your family what is left?

You desire to help people is wonderful.  And I think working in a Christian school or other Christian ministry in a full time capacity would be a wonderful thing for you to do.  But you have to make a choice.  You can help people by dedicating your life in celibacy in service to God in a Christian school or other Christian ministry giving up having children and a husband OR you can choose to help your husband and your children by caring for their needs and the needs of your home.  You must be 100 percent dedicated to one or the other – if you try and do half and half you fail at one.

Is Marriage an “equal-but-different partnership”?

Jill’s Statement:

“If I ever get married, I feel led for it to be an equal-but-different partnership. I pray about these things. I feel led by God in this direction, at least for now.”

The Bible tells us we cannot live by how we feel, but by instead by what the Word of God says despite our feelings.  The Bible tells us this about trusting our feelings:

“26 He that trusteth in his own heart is a fool: but whoso walketh wisely, he shall be delivered.

Proverbs 28:26 (KJV)

It is foolish for us to follow our feelings, but rather we must trust in the Lord with all our heart and allow his Word, and not our feelings, to direct our path.

Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.”

Proverbs 3:5-6 (KJV)

Also in regard to feelings – we can with the Lord’s help over time change our feelings and direct them as he would have us to.  That means that we can as we surrender to  God’s will for our lives come to love what he loves and hate what he hates.  We can feel good about what he wants us to feel good about even if we did not feel good about it before.

So this brings us to the next question. Does the Bible teach marriage as a “equal-but-different partnership”?

“23 For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the saviour of the body.  24 Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing.”

Ephesians 5:23-24 (KJV)

The passage above from Ephesians tell you as a young woman why God created you.  He created you to play a part in painting the beautiful picture of the relationship of God to his people.  In this model, you play the part of the Church who submits to Christ in everything.  Your service to your husband, who represents Christ in this model, is your service to God.  The only exception to this design is celibacy in service to God – but only if you are truly called to it for unselfish reasons.

“1 Likewise, ye wives, be in subjection to your own husbands; that, if any obey not the word, they also may without the word be won by the conversation of the wives; 2 While they behold your chaste conversation coupled with fear…

6 Even as Sara obeyed Abraham, calling him lord: whose daughters ye are, as long as ye do well, and are not afraid with any amazement.

7 Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honour unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered.”

I Peter 3:1-2 & 5-7 (KJV)

While women and wives are joint heirs with their husbands of the grace of life, the Bible never calls husbands and wives equal partners – it fact it never calls them partners (despite the NIV changing the translations to “partner”).

Women are called to submit to their husbands as the church submits to Christ.  Are the Christ and Church equal partners or is one the subordinate to the other?

And God did not just flip a coin and put man in charge of woman.   He made woman for man as the Scriptures tell us in I Corinthians 11:9 “Neither was the man created for the woman; but the woman for the man.”   Woman submitting to and serving man is a beautiful picture of mankind submitting to and serving God.  And the man lovingly leading, providing for, teaching and protecting his wife is a beautiful picture of God doing all these things for his people.

Conclusion

As I close let me just point out something based on this statement you made “I want to have children, much later in life.”  Let’s be honest – why would you want to have children much later in life? The honest answer is because your love for education and your career ambitions to be a librarian are more important to you than having children, yet you desire children.  But you desire children outside of God’s designed path which is marriage.   This is by definition a selfish ambition.  Anytime we desire things that outside God’s design for us that is a selfish desire.

When a woman desires to have children without a husband that is just as selfish as a man who desires to have sex with a woman without having to marrying her.  Both the desire for children and the desire for sex are God given desires, but when we seek to go about to fulfill those desires in a way which violates God’s design we sin against God in doing so.

So Jill– you have a choice to make.  If you feel you cannot fulfill the role God designed women in general to fulfill – to be subordinate helpers to men to help them paint the picture of God and his people – then you can exercise the celibacy option in service to him.  But you cannot take half measures and actively seek to have children and make a family the way you want it, instead of the way God designed family to be.

Even if you decide you will follow God’s design for having children and marry a husband first if you do as you have stated and “have children, much later in life” this could still be selfish ambition on your part.

It is one thing if you are vigorously as young woman pursing a husband and family and during that time you are working to support yourself.  There is no sin in this.  But God knows your heart.  If in your heart you know that you are purposefully delaying finding a husband and having a family so that you can pursue educational and career interests and then later you will do the “family thing” that is utter selfishness before God.  That is NOT why God created you.  He created you for man, he created you marriage and the only exception to that is true dedicated celibacy in service to him.

 

Don’t fall for the feminist lie that women can “have it all”

The feminist lie that women can “have it all” has destroyed countless marriages over the last half century. Infants that are no more than a couple months old are left by the one person who God meant at this early stage of life to be the center of that little person’s universe. Sometimes they are left with strangers in daycare centers.  Other mothers who want to console themselves as they pursue their dream of “having it all” leave their young infants with their grandparents or their fathers. But no one, not even a loving grandparent or a loving father can take that special place that God designed only a mother to have in these early days of a person’s life.

Not only does a woman pursuing and believing the lie that she can have it all affect her children but it also affects the central role in this life that God designed her for – to be a help meet to her husband. There is absolutely no way a woman can go out and endure the stresses of a career and be involved all manner of activities outside the home and it not affect her moods and energy toward serving the needs of her husband and her home.

Dinners will be left unmade. The house will be in disarray. She will often be too tired and worn out to have sex with her husband as a direct result of her endeavors outside the home. There are going to be days when a woman is stressed and tired from fulfilling her duties to her children and her home – no question.  But God did not design a woman to shoulder the stresses of a career and her home and duties to her husband simultaneously.

Are some women forced to work outside the home by no fault of their own due to their husband being disabled or some financial crisis? Yes. Are some women abandoned by their husbands and have to provide for their children? Yes. We are not talking about those women.  These are women that had no choice but to go out and provide for their children. These women because of the sinful world we live in have had to step into the role of provider in addition to be homemakers and mothers. This is something that God did not intend in his perfect design of the roles of husbands and wives.

Today I received a letter from a woman who calls herself Jamie and she shared in her letter how she believed the feminist lie and tried to “have it all” only to realize how many years she wasted in that futile pursuit and how it affected her service to her husband, her children and her home.

I hope if you are a young woman reading this story that you will heed the advice of this Christian wife.  Don’t believe the feminist lie that you can do what God designed you to do and what the world tells you to do.

Jamie’s Story

“Dear BGR,

My husband printed off your article “How to help women learn their place” and encouraged me to read it. I read it, with a lot of pain, over the years that I wasted in trying to be all things that the World expected. Early in our marriage, I tried to be a successful working woman and a mom, and a wife, and a friend to all of my church friends, and the school volunteer of the year.

God eventually broke my heart and my husband’s heart about our family and that the family of 3 girls and 1 boy God have us was the most important. We began our journey by homeschooling through Advanced Training Institute International last Summer, and God definitely dealt with me in many of the areas you mentioned:

I stopped my work as a professional assistant in a real estate firm and had to learn to depend on my husband as the sole bread winner and decision maker. You see, when I earned money, I thought that it was ok for me to make the decisions because it was “MY” money…not Gods. I had to learn to budget and be frugal, something I had never really done before because of my second income.

Your article touched on our husbands desire to see us acting innocent and having childlike joy. Well, when I was working and being a “leader” volunteering in so many areas. I had little joy or spontaneity with my husband. God has changed my heart where I now relish in making him happy and surprising him with little things (cooking his favorite foods, detailing his car, or doing “diy” projects to beautify our home. His joy gives me joy.

In my appearance, I dressed very career like (slacks, some suits, and flat dress shoes to be comfortable at the office. When I started our mission at home, I had never considered what I needed to wear to please him and God and not wearing things “that pertainth to a man” My husband had asked for years for me to dress more feminine, and I would accommodate him for a special occasion. So, I told my husband that I wanted to dress more feminine, in a way that I would bring honor to him and God. And he delighted in this!! He splurged and bought me a new wardrobe of dresses and skirts…some casual and some dressy. We threw out my pants and flat shoes, and he purchased me several new pairs of heels, some casual and some dressy. (I realize that God doesn’t require a woman to wear high heels, but I do have the desire to please my husband and I know he desires me in them, so I love to do it for him. We discussed that while heels may limit some of my activities, that is where he must become involved with the children and take over the more boisterous or outdoor activities, while I watch and encourage all of them!)

My struggle is far from over. I do not get a lot of encouragement from friends and family. They do not understand the choices we have made, but I know I am honoring my husband and my God, and that is all that matters.”

Jamie – thank for your courage to share your story with us. If you ever need encouragement in being the help meet to your husband God designed you to be you will always find it here.

Emma Thompson Thinks Moms Should Take a Year Off From Work

I would not hold up Emma Thompson or most Hollywood actress moms as being great models of motherhood. But as they say “even a broken clock is right twice a day”. I do think there are some great moms that work, that do truly try and make the most of every minute away from their jobs with their children.

I would change Emma’s statement as follows and replace “great” with “best”:


You can’t be the best mum you can be and keep working all the time.

In the full interview at http://www.dailymail.co.uk/tvshowbiz/article-2638443/Emma-Thompson-Take-year-work-children-says-actress-career-hold-12-months-worth-30million.html she also stated:

“Motherhood is a full-time job.
‘The only way I could have continued working would have been by delegating the running of the home to other people.”

Those two statements don’t need any changes, they are absolutely true as stated.

Emma also talked about taking time off to be with her children:

“I highly recommend others to do the same if they can afford it.”

As I have stated many times on this blog – there are women who are single mothers, or married to disabled husbands, or they simply live in poverty and she must work – there is nothing wrong with a mother working in this case. In this case she truly is being the best mom she can be, because she must work in order to feed and put a roof over her children’s heads.

But let’s be clear about Emma Thompson – she took a year off as “a gift to herself” to play “full time mom”. She will be going back to work. So believe me I am not holding her up as some shining example of full time stay at home moms. But as I said previously, even a broken clock is right twice a day.

So yes you can still be a great mom and work full time, but you cannot be the best mom you could be and give your absolute best to your children and also work full time. You cannot be in two places at once. You will either be with your children full time, or you will be with them 50% of your time. It really is that simple.

Why I don’t believe women should have careers outside the home

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I am often asked why I don’t believe women should have careers outside the home. Why should men get to have an education and a career and women don’t? It’s not fair right?


The first question we need to ask

There are several ways I could answer these questions from a Biblical perspective, but there is a much simpler question that transcends all religions and cultures that I often ask when I am in a room full of people having this discussion.

I usually look to the men and make it very personal.

Your met your wife while you were both attending college and university. You were both enlightened and after all, a woman deserves to have a college education and career just as much as man right? So you both finish college and both begin your careers.

Couple of graduates outdoors

You are both about 25 years old, a few years out of college when your wife tells you she is pregnant. It is the most exciting news of your life, second only to when she agreed to marry you. As the months pass and the baby grows inside of her the question arises “how long will you take off from work when the baby is born?”

She says “well I can’t take off too long or it might damage my career, so I am thinking I will go back to work 6 weeks after I have the baby”. Now if you are an “enlightened” man, this will not disturb you in the least bit, because after all she is just as entitled to her career as you are to yours right?

What is best for infant children?

Mother with newborn sun

Except for men and women who have been in my audiences, most people pause and really give this question some consideration. What is best for the young infant – to be cared for by their mother or by strangers while the mother goes off and pursues her career?

Then when many people in my audience say they are unsure – I tell them there is a reason, a God given reason why they give pause to this scenario. We all know that in most cases (except if a mother is abusive or mentally ill) that it is best for a young infant to be nurtured and raised by their mother.

More often than not, the majority of men will agree a mother should be with her infant child to care for them until they can go to school. Maybe half the women will agree and the other half will not.

The women who disagree with the premise that it is best for children to be raised by their mothers (and not daycare workers) will say studies show daycare kids actually do better in school grade wise. To which I respond that while those studies may or may not be true, other studies show that daycare kids(especially ones who have been in daycare since they were infants) have emotional issues and are often much more aggressive in school.

But for those in my audience who agree that it is best that infant children be raised by their mother, I say then that we need to go back and revisit the career issue. If a woman has an average of 3 children (which is what we need to keep the world population from falling, and keep a modest growth rate) then let’s do the math.

If a woman has a child on average every two years, then that means she will spend six years having children. If she stays home to raise each of those infant children (which I agree is best for the children), then her last child will be of full school kindergarten age approximately 11 years after she had her first child.
If she starts having children when she graduates from college at 22, that would make her 33 years old before she could go to work and start a career.

Happy mother with her three young children

Now let’s say this woman did the right thing and raised all of her children until they were all in school full time. Here is a mid-30’s woman ready to go and conquer the world. There is no problem now right?

Well let’s consider that children have a lot of school activities that involve parental involvement but Dad can start helping with these right? Maybe he can and maybe he can’t. Dad may have a demanding job that keeps him in the office or factory 50 hours a week and he can’t take off every few weeks for school activities during the day (which many elementary schools have).

If Mom goes to work who will be home when the kids get off their bus from school or will they have to be put into a latch key program? Again we must ask the question – which is better for the children, to have a mother waiting for them at home when they get off the bus or to be put in latch key?

If Mom goes to work and Dad also works a demanding job then who will have the time and energy to help the children will all their school work each night? If Mom is exhausted from work who is going to cook dinner? Mom and Dad can just rotate right?

What is better for the children and for her husband?

Happy family

When the kids go off to school a stay at home mom has the chance to recharge her batteries. She can plan for meals, she can go shopping to get clothing for her children and her husband. Perhaps she can write for a blog from the comfort of her home. She can volunteer to help with things at her church and she is always available if her children or husband need something because she does not have her resources pulled away by an outside career.

When the kids get home from school mom is there to ask them about their day and help them with their homework. She can prepare nice home cooked meals (instead of takeout all the time because Mom and Dad are both exhausted from work). She can cook meals for sick shut-ins at her church. If it does not take away from her mothering duties, she can eventually run a small business selling things out of her home.

The reality is, until the children are grown to adults and move out what is best for her family and her marriage is for her to remain in the home.

But what about what is best for her?

Happy woman

This is the question many feminists will be shouting throughout this discussion. The answer is that what is best for a woman’s family is also what is best for her.

While studies show that women who work outside the home have less stress, what they don’t often show is who they are surveying.

Yes if you were to survey stay at home moms with infant children and toddlers they will often report stress levels that are far higher than women in their same situation with small children that have them in day care and work.
Of course you are less stressed, you are handing your kids off to strangers for 10 hours a day and you get a break to be with the grownups! Stay at home moms have a monumental and sometimes stressful task when they are raising small children. But it is worth it, and it is what is best. The easy way is not always the right way, and this is true when it comes to raising kids.

But if you were to survey stay at home Moms whose kids are all in school full time, I would wager that they will report less stressful lives than the working Moms at that point. They did the hard work, they changed the diapers, and they held the crying babies for hours on end. They also got enjoy the special moments of hearing their children’s first words, seeing them walk for the first time and all the other special firsts that God has given to Moms if they will only accept his gift. They are now reaping the benefits of their wise decision to stay home and dedicate their lives fully to their marriage and family.

When you have raised an emotionally stable child, that has been grounded in your faith and belief, and when you have a happy marriage because you had no career to distract you from giving all of yourself to your husband, you will see that God’s way is best.

God made woman for man, as a helpmeet. She is beautifully and wonderfully equipped for the task of being a full time wife and mom. But when she goes outside of God’s design, and tries to do things that God did not design her for, she will often times bring pain to not only her husband and children, but also to herself.

Why You’re More Stressed by Home Than Work

Surveys and articles like this one from Time are pathetic in my view. Of course being at home can be more stressful than being at work. There are more responsibilities and especially when a mother is raising young children I would totally agree it can be harder and more stressful to be a stay at home mom than a working mom.

I understand the article is trying to address stress issues in both genders, but anyone reading it can see they are trying to say it is better to be a working mom than a stay at home mom.

Doing the right thing is often the harder thing. Taking the easier way out is often the wrong way. Yes ladies you can give yourself an 8 to 10 hour break every day from your children, and have less stress by letting some daycare workers take care of your kids while you have “adult time” at the office. But is this what is best for your child? Is this what God intended? The answer is most assuredly no.

“I will therefore that the younger women marry, bear children, guide the house, give none occasion to the adversary to speak reproachfully.”
I Timothy 5:14

“…Teach the young women to be sober, to love their husbands, to love their children, to be discreet, chaste, keepers at home, good, obedient to their own husbands, that the word of God be not blasphemed.”
Titus 2:4-5

God did not say “hey ladies I know being at home can be stressful, especially with young kids, so go drop your daughters off with other women and go have a less stressful time at your career”.

Is pregnancy stress free? Is giving birth stress free? No these things take great tolls on a woman’s body but it is all worth it when a mom holds that young infant child in her arms for the first time.

What studies and articles like this don’t tell women is what they will lose by “relieving their stress”. You lose those special moments with your child. Instead of you being the first person to see your child walk, some day care worker gets to experience that special moment. Instead of hearing your child’s first words, a day care worker gets to hear them.

When you see your child grow up to be a stable and loving adult and you watch them graduate from high school, and maybe college and then get married – all that “stress” you went through at home will have been worth it.

Don’t take easy way out, do the hard work and you will reap the rewards God has in store for you when you follow his design.

Can a woman work outside the home?

photodune-3326876-mother-in-career-s

This question would seem to evoke laughter in the majority of American and Western households today. Why ask such a silly question when we all know the obvious answer is YES!

This is a serious question though, for those in America and across the world who hold the Bible to be the perfect Word of God. There are still millions across the globe who treasure every word of the Bible, and do not believe it teachings are “outdated” or “antiquated”.

But even among those who believe the Bible is the Word of God there is still some debate on this question. The reality is that women have worked outside the home since the beginning of mankind. In ancient times women helped tend the fields, or care for the livestock.

I believe the real question is not really one of a woman working, but of a woman being a “full time career woman” and thus a “part time mom”. I think Barbara Rainey really summarized this issue well in the book “Starting your marriage right” that she coauthored with her husband Dennis:

“I am not opposed to women working outside the home. But I want to discuss the issue of mothers-especially those with young children-devoting time and energy to another full-time occupation.

A majority of mothers now work outside the home either part-time or full-time. Reasons include survival needs, lifestyle needs, and personal fulfillment needs. Some women work because they fear a possible divorce would leave them unable to provide for themselves. Let’s look at what is really taking place in our culture.

Working mothers are not a new phenomenon. What is new is the shift in career focus: from full-time mother with a job on the side to a full-time career while attempting to mother in whatever time is left over.

I don’t believe Scripture supports this notion. A familiar passage in the New Testament summarizes what young wives and mothers are to do: “To love their husbands, to love their children, to be sensible, pure, workers at home, kind, being subject to their own husbands, that the word of God may not be dishonored.”(Titus 2:4-5).

Notice the priority of commitments given women in this passage: husband first and children second. Based upon this instruction, I think every women needs to ask herself, “Is a job the best use of my time? Will I have more influence for the future through my employment or through my children?””

Starting your marriage Right, pg 126

All I have to say to this sister in Christ is – AMEN, AMEN and AMEN.

No two Christians are going to agree on everything, and I am sure that Dennis and his wife Barbara would not agree with everything I write on my blog, nor would I agree with everything they write in their books or say on their radio shows. But having said that, I consider them to be kindred spirits in the Lord who are fighting the good fight for the family and the Biblical view of marriage.

I think it is wonderful that not only did Mrs. Rainey give her opinion as elder woman in the Lord, but she backed it up with Scripture. She is even doing what the passage says to do – in this same passage she quotes, guess who are the ones to teach women these things?

Titus 2:3-5(NASB)

Older women likewise are to be reverent in their behavior, not malicious gossips nor enslaved to much wine, teaching what is good,  so that they may encourage the young women to love their husbands, to love their children,  to be sensible, pure, workers at home, kind, being subject to their own husbands, so that the word of God will not be dishonored.”

It’s the older women who should be teaching the younger women these wonderful Biblical truths. But unfortunately, not just in the non-Christian community, but also in the Christian community, feminism is running so rampant in Churches today these truths are all but silenced, instead of being proudly taught from the Scriptures as they once were.

But what about….

So as Mrs. Rainey stated, this is not really about women working outside the home, but about priorities. It is one thing for a mom to work outside the home part time because she has to. Perhaps her husband already works sixty hours a week and he can’t really do more and the bills demand she works, then she must.

But I believe Christian families really have to look at their financial priorities. If a woman is working just to help put food on the table and a roof over her family’s head the Bible does condemn her actions. The Bible never condemns a woman working outside the home for just this reason, God knew sometimes it demanded by the circumstances of the sin-cursed world we live in that woman sometimes have are called on to provide in addition to, or in the absence of a husband.

But the Bible does not release a woman from her duties to the home either. Her husband, her children and her home are always her first priority. That is why I believe it is unfair for a man to have his wife work unless it is absolutely necessary.

Yesterday I heard a Christian’s woman’s heartbreaking story of why she has to work fulltime. Two years after she married her husband some ten years ago he was diagnosed with a brain tumor, he has suffered memory loss and other cognitive abilities ever since and this stops him from being able to work. Her mother helps watch her kids and when she has to travel often her mother will come with the kids and watch them for her while she is working. This woman is a perfect example of why a woman might have to take on the role of providing for her family that normally the husband should be doing.

But the reality is, if we are truthful this is not the case in most instances of women working today. Many women today consciously plan a career and full time work long before they are married. Then when they get married and eventually have children, a few months after the baby is born mom drops her baby off at day care and back to her career she goes. She does this for the next child as well and the probably stops having children(statistics show most full time career women don’t have more than two children).

I know of a man whose wife runs an in-home day care center and he explained how sad this is. He said many of these career moms drop their infants and small children off with his wife at 6 AM each day and most don’t return till at least 6 PM or sometimes 7 PM each night during the week. That means someone else is caring for their infants or small children for twelve to thirteen hours a day!

These are exactly the kind of moms Barbara Rainey is taking about – “Full time career women” and “part time moms”. Yet our society praises this! Women are told this is a fulfilling life!

Just like abortion, I believe many career women block out what they are doing to their infants and small children. They tell themselves “it is for the best, I am setting a good example for my kids, especially my daughters on how successful a woman can be. I am providing a better life for them than if we just had their father’s income. In fact if we had only his income, we would not be able to afford the new cars and the big house and nice family trips, those things are more important than me looking after them right now, I have left them in good hands.” This is what millions of woman across America tell themselves everyday as they go to achieve “great things” in their careers. But does God see this as a “great”? Or is he saddened by this instead? Is this what he meant them for, to leave their mothering and nurturing duties to someone else?

A mother is not just someone who reads a bed time story to her kid each night. Especially in the first few years of life a mother is everything to a young child. So every time that child falls, or is scared, or needs comfort for those 12 hours a day she spends “fulfilling her dreams” – who is the one who comforts them? I can tell you this, it is not the person that God designed for this privilege. A mom is the one is makes the young child their favorite lunch, who reads them stories during the day, who holds them when they are sick or scared. She bathes them, she teaches them about God and the world. A mom is there when her child takes their first step, who hears their first word, in fact moms usually get to see most of their kids “firsts” and they get to deliver the happy messages to Dad.

Instead today many women sacrifice all these beautiful moments for a career, for paycheck. How sad. Instead mom gets to hear second hand from someone else, someone who got to experience the special moments that God meant for her.

So women can’t use their talents?

The next question I am often asked is, do I believe then that women just have to sit home knitting, cooking and cleaning for the entirety of their lives?

No way. Even the Bible shows a woman using her talents in Proverbs:

Proverbs 31:10-31(NASB)

An excellent wife, who can find? For her worth is far above jewels. 11 The heart of her husband trusts in her, And he will have no lack of gain. 12 She does him good and not evil All the days of her life. 13 She looks for wool and flax And works with her hands in delight. 14 She is like merchant ships; She brings her food from afar. 15 She rises also while it is still night And gives food to her household And portions to her maidens. 16 She considers a field and buys it; From her earnings she plants a vineyard. 17 She girds herself with strength And makes her arms strong. 18 She senses that her gain is good; Her lamp does not go out at night. 19 She stretches out her hands to the distaff, And her hands grasp the spindle. 20 She extends her hand to the poor, And she stretches out her hands to the needy. 21 She is not afraid of the snow for her household, For all her household are clothed with scarlet. 22 She makes coverings for herself; Her clothing is fine linen and purple. 23 Her husband is known in the gates, When he sits among the elders of the land. 24 She makes linen garments and sells them, And supplies belts to the tradesmen. 25 Strength and dignity are her clothing, And she smiles at the future. 26 She opens her mouth in wisdom, And the teaching of kindness is on her tongue. 27 She looks well to the ways of her household, And does not eat the bread of idleness. 28 Her children rise up and bless her; Her husband also, and he praises her, saying: 29 “Many daughters have done nobly, But you excel them all.” 30 Charm is deceitful and beauty is vain, But a woman who fears the Lord, she shall be praised. 31 Give her the product of her hands, And let her works praise her in the gates.

Some have mistakenly tried to point to Proverbs 31 as showing a full time career woman and this passage shows nothing of the kind. The woman in this passage is intelligent – “she opens her mouth in wisdom”. She is resourceful when she “She considers a field and buys it; From her earnings she plants a vineyard” and when she “makes linen garments and sells them”.

So I would agree with my Christian feminist and Egalitarian friends that this woman is not always at home, however the passage shows the focus of her life is in fact her home. Every one of these things she does is focused on her home. In fact the vast majority of things she does here would allow her to work from home. A few times she may go out to buy things, or plant a vineyard, but in now ways does this show a woman that is gone from her home 40 to 50 hours a week pursing some career and leaving her house undone or duties to her husband, children and home to others.

Just as back then women could run a business out of their home (such as selling fine clothes), so to today women can run businesses out of their home. They can have in-home daycare, do telemarketing and host of other things. They can write books, they can run blog sites.

My daughter who is in the fifth grade (at the time of writing this post) is a very talented writer. Her teachers tell me how she excels in English and creative writing and I am very proud of her accomplishments. I am teaching her though that she needs to channel her gifts and use them in a way that would honor God and his commands.

I encourage my daughter to go to college and expand her writing abilities, but I also tell her that a career outside the home and without a family is not what God teaches in his Word is right for her.

I Timothy 5:14

“I will therefore that the younger women marry, bear children, guide the house, give none occasion to the adversary to speak reproachfully.”

I teach my daughter than unless she is called to full time Christian ministry, and also called to be celibate in life(as few are called too) she needs to marry and have children.   When we combine the teaching of Titus 2:3-5 with this passage from I Timothy 5, as well as the example of women throughout the Bible going back to the Garden of Eden we see God’s Word is clear on his priorities and design for woman.

Woman are to marry, love their husbands, bear children, love their children, be workers at home, manage the home and be respectful to their husband’s guidance. A husband is not commanded to be a keeper of the home, or to raise children at home, but instead he is to go out and provide for his family. He is called to be the head of his home, and to protect his home.

Conclusion

So no I do not believe every case of a woman working outside the home is wrong. Many are necessary and for good reason. Some women are able to work part-time and not neglect their husbands, their children or their home and in this case a woman working outside the home would be fine. Some women are forced to work, because their husband is either unable, or unwilling to work to provide, or they are a single parent. God understands all these situations.

But a woman who works outside the home, simply to get more material things and because being a house wife and mom are just “dull and boring to her”, should examine God’s Word. A woman who is unwilling to sacrifice her career to care for her children – needs to examine her priorities in light of the Scriptures. She should open her heart to God’s design for her life, only then can she find the true joy that only he can offer. But it will require a surrender to her creator’s will. I pray if you are that woman reading this, you will let God speak to your heart today.

Short Essay – Working Moms Miss A Lot More Than Their Baby’s First Step

This concisely written article written by Kathy Duane, is a scathing rebuke of working mothers and at the same time an encouragement to young stay at home moms that they are doing the right thing – despite what feminism tries to teach women today.

It's the Women, Not the Men!

Baby's First Steps Baby’s First Steps

Working moms not only miss their blessed child’s first step but they may miss their precious child’s first word

Chasing birds Toddler Chasing birds

or even their first chuckle. They may miss watching them as they learn to blow bubbles or how to rock a rocking horse or walk on a rock wall. They many miss the astonishment in their eyes as they watch butterflies flying, wind blowing or squirrels climbing trees. They may miss wandering in the garden picking, and eating, tomatoes, looking for bugs or joyously chasing birds. Yes, working mothers miss a lot.

Working moms miss dress-up time, learning to hug a baby doll and experiencing for the first time, their little ones own reflection in a mirror. They miss nap time, lunchtime and playtime. After work, if there are older children in the family too, there’s homework, sports, dinner, baths and bed. There isn’t any…

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Stay at Home Mothers Are NOT In Style

You can’t make this stuff up! Normally I am very careful about not attacking the messenger and only attacking the message. But this is one of those rare instances where a person is revealing their own nature, their own motives and their own inner self.

Let me first say that I do not believe women have a monopoly on selfishness. Many men have put their careers before their families and all but ignored their wife and children and they ought to be ashamed for such behavior. There are men who think the entire world revolves around their needs, wants, desires and ambitions.

But this woman demonstrates, that there are also very selfish women who also put their needs, wants, desires and ambitions before everyone, and everything else.

This woman’s article could be summarized in the following statement:

“Ladies look out for your own wants and needs before the wants and needs of your husband or children.”

She would say working moms are looking out for the needs of their children by having careers so they could provide for their children if they get divorced.

Women should get married planning for an eventual divorce? If you plan for failure, you will eventually make it happen.

Snarky Brunette – thank you for your candor and your honesty, if more women were honest with men and upfront with the views you have we could avoid more divorces by not marrying women like you.