Don’t fall for the feminist lie that women can “have it all”

The feminist lie that women can “have it all” has destroyed countless marriages over the last half century. Infants that are no more than a couple months old are left by the one person who God meant at this early stage of life to be the center of that little person’s universe. Sometimes they are left with strangers in daycare centers.  Other mothers who want to console themselves as they pursue their dream of “having it all” leave their young infants with their grandparents or their fathers. But no one, not even a loving grandparent or a loving father can take that special place that God designed only a mother to have in these early days of a person’s life.

Not only does a woman pursuing and believing the lie that she can have it all affect her children but it also affects the central role in this life that God designed her for – to be a help meet to her husband. There is absolutely no way a woman can go out and endure the stresses of a career and be involved all manner of activities outside the home and it not affect her moods and energy toward serving the needs of her husband and her home.

Dinners will be left unmade. The house will be in disarray. She will often be too tired and worn out to have sex with her husband as a direct result of her endeavors outside the home. There are going to be days when a woman is stressed and tired from fulfilling her duties to her children and her home – no question.  But God did not design a woman to shoulder the stresses of a career and her home and duties to her husband simultaneously.

Are some women forced to work outside the home by no fault of their own due to their husband being disabled or some financial crisis? Yes. Are some women abandoned by their husbands and have to provide for their children? Yes. We are not talking about those women.  These are women that had no choice but to go out and provide for their children. These women because of the sinful world we live in have had to step into the role of provider in addition to be homemakers and mothers. This is something that God did not intend in his perfect design of the roles of husbands and wives.

Today I received a letter from a woman who calls herself Jamie and she shared in her letter how she believed the feminist lie and tried to “have it all” only to realize how many years she wasted in that futile pursuit and how it affected her service to her husband, her children and her home.

I hope if you are a young woman reading this story that you will heed the advice of this Christian wife.  Don’t believe the feminist lie that you can do what God designed you to do and what the world tells you to do.

Jamie’s Story

“Dear BGR,

My husband printed off your article “How to help women learn their place” and encouraged me to read it. I read it, with a lot of pain, over the years that I wasted in trying to be all things that the World expected. Early in our marriage, I tried to be a successful working woman and a mom, and a wife, and a friend to all of my church friends, and the school volunteer of the year.

God eventually broke my heart and my husband’s heart about our family and that the family of 3 girls and 1 boy God have us was the most important. We began our journey by homeschooling through Advanced Training Institute International last Summer, and God definitely dealt with me in many of the areas you mentioned:

I stopped my work as a professional assistant in a real estate firm and had to learn to depend on my husband as the sole bread winner and decision maker. You see, when I earned money, I thought that it was ok for me to make the decisions because it was “MY” money…not Gods. I had to learn to budget and be frugal, something I had never really done before because of my second income.

Your article touched on our husbands desire to see us acting innocent and having childlike joy. Well, when I was working and being a “leader” volunteering in so many areas. I had little joy or spontaneity with my husband. God has changed my heart where I now relish in making him happy and surprising him with little things (cooking his favorite foods, detailing his car, or doing “diy” projects to beautify our home. His joy gives me joy.

In my appearance, I dressed very career like (slacks, some suits, and flat dress shoes to be comfortable at the office. When I started our mission at home, I had never considered what I needed to wear to please him and God and not wearing things “that pertainth to a man” My husband had asked for years for me to dress more feminine, and I would accommodate him for a special occasion. So, I told my husband that I wanted to dress more feminine, in a way that I would bring honor to him and God. And he delighted in this!! He splurged and bought me a new wardrobe of dresses and skirts…some casual and some dressy. We threw out my pants and flat shoes, and he purchased me several new pairs of heels, some casual and some dressy. (I realize that God doesn’t require a woman to wear high heels, but I do have the desire to please my husband and I know he desires me in them, so I love to do it for him. We discussed that while heels may limit some of my activities, that is where he must become involved with the children and take over the more boisterous or outdoor activities, while I watch and encourage all of them!)

My struggle is far from over. I do not get a lot of encouragement from friends and family. They do not understand the choices we have made, but I know I am honoring my husband and my God, and that is all that matters.”

Jamie – thank for your courage to share your story with us. If you ever need encouragement in being the help meet to your husband God designed you to be you will always find it here.

39 thoughts on “Don’t fall for the feminist lie that women can “have it all”

  1. I just want to say that I feel honored by Jamie’s choice to be the Godly wife she was meant to be.
    Don’t worry about support from outside family and friends. What is most important is what God thinks and what is pleasing to your man. Don’t look to outsiders for support in serving your man let God be the support and encouragement you need to be the Godly wife you are called to be.

    Great job getting rid of the clothing that pertains to a man. I don’t care how many pleats or “feminine” a pair of pants look, they are still pants and pant have always pertained to a man. The first time we see mention of “breaches” is when God commanded they be made for the priest’s conducting temple service. Never did we see women instructed to wear breaches. There is nothing more attractive about a woman than a woman looking like a woman, dressing like a woman. The feminist movement has always been about rebellion and a hatred toward men, primarily men is authority. There is nothing more empowering to a man than for his woman submitting and trusting him to lead and provide. Every married man feels he can take on the world when he has a woman supporting his authority in her life and the household.

    You want to see a God fearing man grow mighty in Christ and for Christ? Wives come under your mans authority in everything! By doing so that Godly man will be everything you have ever desired in a man and husband!

  2. I too loved reading this. For all women out there that are able to stay home with their children…PLEASE DO SO!. You have no idea how much of an impact you can make by doing that (my mom was a SAHM and I still cherish her and have a relationship with her to an extent that I would likely not have otherwise). Some of my co-workers are also pregnant now or have young children and have flat out told me that they are able to stay home they just don’t want to. I will never understand that, although part of that is probably clouded by my current inability to stay home compounded by my desire to.

    One tiny thought though. Lay off the heels for about half an hour of your waking life (your back will thank you later) and kick back and enjoy life in the back yard/park with your family. Unless of course your husband really doesn’t want you to which would seem strange to me. I get your point though…my husband loves me in heels, too. Although with my struggling with low blood pressure and dizziness this pregnancy, he’s asked me to lay off them in general for awhile. I still surprise him with them occasionally and it still gets a good reaction. 🙂

  3. AnnaMS,

    My wife has very weak ankles so she can’t wear anything but low heels else we risk broken ankles(which she has had twice). I think one thing husbands can do(as Jamie told me her husband does for her) is to say “if you wear those nice heels for me tonight when we go out I will give you the best foot massage when we get home”.:)

  4. This is a tough sell, as even the women in the church hold tightly to the feminist mantra of ‘you can have it all’! It’s how they have been raised because no one really sees any problem with it. I mean, it feels good and right to tell young girls that nothing can hold them back and they can do anything and everything, even though, in the end, it can be highly destructive. When I first started reading into Christian websites like this one some of the first stories I read were reports from older women (30+) who lamented the fact that they had spent their younger days in school and work, leaving little to no time for family. Now in their older age they were struggling with either a) dealing with young kids and not being able to keep up or b) having no kids and dealing with the loneliness and emptiness in their souls. Women with this problem are seldom heard from, as now days they are told to just ‘hold tight’, ‘God has someone for you out there’, instead of being told the error of their ways by putting self first. Its a problem that girls don’t experience until its too late. My own daughter is suffering from the same problem and its driving me crazy. She is a young lady, 19 years old, who has expressed no interest in getting married and having kids, but instead wants to work. My wife pushes for her to go to college, but I just want her to pull out her nose ring, grow her hair back in and be a girl. She is very talented with stringed instruments and painting, I would rather she develop those skills further and learn how to properly care for a husband and kids, but no women in her life are telling her to choose that path! They all tell her how smart she is (and yes, she is), and that she needs to go to college and get a degree, blah, blah, blah. She doesn’t realize that by the time she sees her mistake it will be too late.

    What do we do, then? Strong men in the church could help steer young ladies toward their God designed paths, but there are few men who would stand up to their feminist indoctrinated wives when she steps in to tell him that ‘this is not biblical times and girls don’t just need to be wives and mothers’. In fact, many men AGREE with their feminist indoctrinated wives! And those who are vocal about it, such as myself, still get resistance from their Christian wives!

    I don’t know if America can ever recover from the spiritual slump we are in. When even the followers of Christ don’t care to hear His words or obey His commandments, all we can look forward to is judgement.

  5. BRG, I’m sorry to hear about your wife’s ankles. I’m all about the foot massage idea (my husband does that for me although I love wearing heels so he doesn’t have to talk me into it). But my point was more about recognizing practical aspects of being a feminine mother that don’t really mesh well with heels. My mom always looked (I say looked, but she still does to this day) elegant when she went out with my dad, or when we were going to church, or stuff like that. But she had scruffy sneakers and jeans for things like gardening, playing with us outside, family hiking, etc. I think if she had sat on the bench or remained indoors so she could wear nice shoes, we all would have felt the loss. Granted my parents are both very outdoorsy people and my dad is very practical, so it might have irked him way more if my mom had tried to garden in nice clothes than it might other men.

  6. AnnaMS,

    I agree the dresses and heels don’t always mesh well with mothering duties. I am not against women wearing pants, sneakers or flats as it makes theirs tasks easier. I simply respectfully disagree with those men who believe a woman always has to be wearing a dress.

    I addressed this issue of women pants in an article I wrote a while back when I stated:

    “Someone should be able to look at your clothes wherever you go, and just by your clothing they should be able to tell you are a woman. Yes clothing styles change, but a woman should always look like a woman in her culture (whatever women wear) and a man should look like a man (whatever men wear).

    “The woman shall not wear that which pertaineth unto a man, neither shall a man put on a woman’s garment: for all that do so are abomination unto the Lord thy God.”

    Deuteronomy 22:5(KJV)

    This passage from Deuteronomy does not forbid a woman from wearing pants (yes there are some Christians who still teach this). There was a time in our culture and history where pants were strictly the purview of men, and at those times it may have been wrong for a woman to wear pants, especially when there were no pants designed especially for women. But fashions and styles do change, and women have pants now that are made and cut especially for them, and these pants are pants a man would not be caught dead in.

    In Roman society, before 200 BC, men and women both wore togas. After 200 BC women began to wear stolas and only prostitutes still wore togas like men. Before 200 BC, when men and women both wore togas, the only difference may have been a colorful belt or the color of the material that would have separated a man from a woman. Even after 200 BC, peasant men and women still both wore tunics for their daily work. Only color variations or belts may have separated them.

    This would be exactly the same as men and women both wearing pants today – there is no issue with this as long as the woman’s pants communicate a feminine style as we understand it in our culture.”

    https://biblicalgenderroles.com/2014/07/11/7-biblical-principles-for-how-to-dress-as-a-christian-woman/

    But I believe that a woman should submit to her husband’s authority and I commend Jamie for doing that – if he sees it differently then she has to follow his understanding of the Word of God.

    I do think that sometimes women take advantage of their husband’s understanding that pants and sneakers are more practical for many things in their daily mothering and child-rearing activities and they rarely fix themselves up except perhaps for church on Sunday or if they are going out. I think a woman should make an effort to make herself beautiful also during the week when possible. Even if you are wearing jeans – maybe you put on a more appealing pair of jeans and a nicer blouse an hour before your hubby get’s home if possible? I don’t think that is too much to ask.

    I routinely see feminist sites mocking rules for how to be lady from the 50’s(sometime I will post some of those here for discussion) and they mock the fact that women were encouraged to pretty themselves up just before their husband came home from work like that was stupid. I don’t think that was stupid – it was a sign of respect and love for their husband.

  7. I work part time (3 8 hour shifts a week, my mom watches my children) because I have to. I grew up with a SAHM and expected to be one. I assumed God would move earth to give me the ability to do so because it’s a godly desire….but he didn’t. In fact the opposite happened. Every move we made to get out of debt was blown away. Saved money, transmission went . This kept happening. I became angry and bitter towards God because how would he not give that to me? Because of my attitude I had no communication with God. I felt physically and emotionally blocked from him. I ended up doing a women’s group on lysa terkeurst’s “what happens when women say yes to God.” At one point she speaks on how God asks us to do something that isn’t found in the bible but not immoral (she gave a example of selling a house) for us to be obedient. I read that thought “I wonder if God is asking me to give up being a SAHM to him.” So I did. I asked for forgiveness, for mercy for grace. I told God I couldn’t handle my job and I asked for something easier. He provided a position that was day shift no weekends no holidays with hospital pay (I’m an RN). I work in a huge hospital system and this is the only RN job of its kind. It’s been three years since my “spiritual temper tantrum” and a few months ago, while listening to a sermon on how gods character doesn’t change but he changes his mind through prayer God laid it on my heart to ask to be a SAHM. I don’t know if he’ll grant that to me or not. I do all the housework and cooking. I am not an organized person and this has trained me to do so. I use the crockpot a lot and meal prep a lot. Laundry is done 3 times a week and put away and I do all the ironing (my husband is a business manager). It is doable, God gives me strength.

    My husband doesn’t not like dressy clothes and hates high heels. He thinks women that dress like that are physically and emotionally high maintenance. He wants me to be able to run out and hold a spotlight while he guts a deer, run to the Barnett. so I think it’s more appropriate to say something about dressing in a way that accommodates our husbands preference rather than someone else’s standard of feminity

  8. The issue of pants being more practical for motherly duties and chores such as gardening is false. Also getting out and playing with the children. I live in a community that has a lot of Amish and Mennonite families and they have no trouble wearing dresses to do there motherly duties, garden, play with there children. The women in the Amish and Mennonite families are the primary gardeners and they have very amazing gardens and no trouble playing with there children while wearing full length dresses. In my opinion woman push this pants issue for doing chores and playing with there children, as a way to hang on to a little bit of the feminist BS. Jeans have always been know as britches, britches go back to the priests attending temple duties. Jeans are britches, britches pertain to a man. Slacks are still britches. Britches is derived from the word breeches. a Breech is a separation, a gap an opening. Jeans and slacks have a breech, A separation of material between the legs. We can make excuses and exceptions to what God commanded but God’s word will always be true and right.
    My grandmother raised 17 children wearing dresses and she did everything with her children and grand children. In a Dress!
    We need to stop excusing sin. Sin is Sin!
    God did not say it is ok for women to wear that which pertaineth to a man when gardening and playing with the children or tending to motherly duties.

  9. Grounded

    1 Corinthians 10:23 your personal convictions may not be others convictions and God may ask obedience from you on something he doesn’t ask obedience on the same things from all people

  10. Ok then if ! Corinthians 10:23 pertains to this subject of women wearing men’s clothing then it must also pertain to ALL THINGS!
    Some people are convicted about abortion others are not. Does it make abortion right and acceptable in God’s eyes?
    Some people are convicted about idols in there home others are not. Does it make Idolatry right and acceptable in God’s eyes?
    1 Corinthians 10:23 is not speaking of ALL THINGS in this life it was speaking of sacrifices to an idol.
    Paul was stating that as a believer and follower of Christ it was not wrong for him to eat those thing sacrificed to idol because the idol is nothing. But he was saying that if there be one there that believes it to be wrong to eat such a sacrifice, don’t eat it for his sake, causing him to stumble.
    We cant just take God’s word out of context to fit our lifestyle.
    Wresting scripture to fit our life today is no different than what the Pharisees did in there day. They twisted scripture to fit there sinful lifestyle.

  11. BREECHES, n. plu. brich’es. Low L. braccoe.

    A garment worn by men, covering the hips and thighs. It is now a close garment; but the word formerly was used for a loose garment, now called trowsers, laxoe braccoe.

    To wear the breeches is, in the wife, to usurp the authority of the husband.

  12. BGR, Thanks for clarifying. I couldn’t tell if you thought pants were wrong or if you were just posting Jamie’s story in its entirety. I would say that my mom prettied herself up for my dad before he got home, except for I don’t ever remember her not looking pretty. She styled her hair, and wore make-up, nice jeans, and an attractive top pretty much all day. We had a ‘no shoes in the house’ rule to make housekeeping easier so footwear wasn’t really taken into consideration. However, for women who don’t (or can’t) do that, I definitely think that prettying themselves up for their husbands is not too much to ask. And I might even go so far as to say it’s a natural instinct in women. I remember my husband (back when he was my boyfriend) dropping by a camp where I worked to see me on his way out-of-state to a wedding. Even though he would only spend about 10 minutes (if that) with me, I still felt a desire to change into a nicer top and fix my hair up.

    December, Thank you so much for your testimony! I have struggled with similar things. At this point, I do not feel like God is asking me to give up being a SAHM, but rather to put that on the back burner for now and wait on Him to show me his future plans. I have to remind myself that being discontent about not being able to be home is just as bad as being discontent about staying home. Thankfully, God is very gracious and I have seen improvements in this area, and He has helped me never be bitter or resentful against my husband about it. Out of curiosity, how do you manage to make 3 8-hr shifts work as an RN? Do you still get benefits? Cuz most of what I see as a nurse is 12 hr shifts.

    Grounded, yes Amish women do do that, but they generally are not, IMO, giving off the attractive and sexy look that it seems Jamie’s husband was looking for. My mom once only wore jean jumpers back when that was the homeschool thing to do, and my dad managed to talk her out of that because she looked so much more attractive in less frumpy attire. You can be Amish and garden. Kinda hard to be Barbie and garden. Plus, as far as I can tell, Amish women don’t wear heels and that would seem to be the biggest issue with outside work. My mom could wear a nice skirt and garden, but she’d ruin her nicer and more expensive clothes that much faster. She’d have a ridiculously hard time in heels.

  13. Anna

    I work for a large organization well known throughout the US, they give us benefits at part time. I work in a day surgery setting which is how I get the hours I have and hospital pay

  14. Grounded

    “Wow” is all you can say because you obviously don’t follow the mosaic law. And why don’t you? Because you have freedom in Christ. Was Paul talking about the idol feasts in 1 Corinthians? Yea, but that doesn’t mean the concept doesn’t pertain to other subjects. The sins you listed have moral significance, obviously you know that. Obviously you wouldn’t commit them even though you don’t follow the rest of the mosaic law. You’re using a straw man argument and Calling me a Pharisee is bearing false witness. Women wearing pants is not upsurping her husband’s authority. If you follow Deuteronomy 22:5 it says it’s an abomination to the lord, nothing about her husband’s authority.

    Olacing your personal convictions on others is wrong, it’s legalism. Galatians speaks a lot of that

  15. December,

    For the record I do not think that women wearing pants is a sin or against the Scriptures.
    I disagree with Grounded on this and I am currently putting together a post on the issue of women wearing pants.
    But in the mean time let me correct one thing on your side.
    Many Christians wrongly throw out the whole Old Testament and say that only the New Testament applies to Christians.

    The fact is that the New Testament is built upon the foundation of the Old and without the Old Testament you do not have a New Testament.
    Christ and his Apostles quoted from the Old Testament in the New Testament over 350 times.

    Paul said “Do we then make void the law through faith? God forbid: yea, we establish the law.” -Romans 3:31 (KJV)

    But we are no longer under the Old Covenant. We are not under the Civil law, the Ceremonial law, the Cleanliness law, Priestly law or sacrificial laws given to Israel as a theocracy. But we are still under the moral law that Moses gave and much of his moral law is restated in the New Testament.

  16. Thank you to December and Anna for your perspectives! I hope you all understand that I do not look down on or judge any woman who wears pants, as long as that is her husband’s desire and belief.

    As far as my wearing heels because my husband prefers them, it is not really a “barbie in the garden” thing or a sexual thing. It is really a bit more personal.

    The real estate broker I worked for was a “top producer” in our state. I was constantly running (literally) around the office and between showings, title companies, and banks. My work wardrobe consisted of slacks and dark running shoes or flats. I would usually carry this look into the home after picking up the kids from school.

    After quitting work and homeschooling our children, he began purchasing me some more feminine outfits, and shoes with a tall tapered heel— I felt ridiculous at first. I had to learn how to walk all over again (heel to toe, heel to toe) Many times, I needed his steady hand to walk over things or to lean against him if I was standing too long. Well, he loved that something as simple as shoes made me dependent upon him, in contrast to my former job.

    For him, a shoe with a high heel forces me to walk different and to move differently. While you are limited in things you can do while wearing them, it defines the things I should be doing. For example, it would be foolhardy for me to climb a ladder in a dress and stilettos to change a light bulb. That is a job for the men in our house; while my job is to knit or be in the kitchen preparing a meal—something heels do allow.

    He does allow me to have breaks from heels if I truly need them, but I do respect him enough to ask. He has never withheld that permission.

    Staying on my tiptoes (for him)

    Jamie

  17. Jamie

    I hope you didn’t take anything I said negatively. I would not tell you to not respect your husbands wishes on non moral things. I was just giving an opposite example. My husband hates them and funnily enough, loves when I do things like change the light bulb, fix the vacuum etc. God gave us our spouses for our personalities

  18. Jamie I totally understand why you don’t wear pants and I completely respect you following ur husbands wishes. Isn’t it funny how we rabbit trail sometimes? I don’t mind sometimes as it prompts us to discuss and me to write more. Don’t worry though no one here should think u are calling other women sinners for wearing pants. It’s all about obeying God’s word and the law of your husband.

  19. If 1 Corinthians 10:23 is grounds for making it OK for a woman to wear pants then it must also go the other way. If it is lawful for a woman to wear pants in the eyes of God then it is also lawful for a man to wear dresses and makeup.
    So no more looking negatively toward a man in a dress judging it to be wrong.
    December has found a passage of scripture to justify men wearing dresses and makeup.

    BGR: That is correct Christ did not do away with the law he came and fulfilled the law. Christ clearly stated that the law was summed up in one word “LOVE” If we “LOVE” God we uphold those things he said were wrong. We do not see one place in the new testament where this command to men and women about clothing was ever altered. I wasn’t

    God said if we love him we will obey him! This is no different than a wife obeying her husband because she loves him.
    If a husband requires his wife to obey him concerning the duties of a wife as outlined in the Word of God and she does because she loves her husband and love God, but her husband dies and she remarries but her new husband does not express to her that this is what he also requires of her, is she at liberty to live outside of what God has commanded the wife? NO! She is still under God’s requirement to do what is required of a wife.
    Does she disrespect her new husband because she has entered a new covenant with a new husband? NO!
    That would be foolishness.

  20. Grounded,
    I will be putting together a post with all the scriptures on this matter and we can discuss it there.
    Everyone else just hang on and we can discuss this on a post dedicated the subject if women and pants

  21. Alright grounded, what parts of Leviticus do you still live by? Again you are bearing false witness towards me, you are breaking the ninth commandment.

  22. December:
    Ah yes, ever time someone says something that goes against the ideals of another they run to the JUDGE NOT type statements.
    I am not bearing false witness, I make a statement based on the fruit I see revealed.
    If scripture is being taken out of context, its wrong no matter how adamant a person is in using it to justify there lifestyle.
    Wrong is Wrong. It don’t matter what the majority says, Wrong will still be Wrong.

  23. @Jamie,

    I understand your perspective and your husband’s perspective on the issue of heels, but I’m not sure that I’d say that it’s always the man’s job to do things like change light bulbs. For some SAHMs, that’s just not something that they can put into practice. I don’t know what hours your husband works, but from the time I was a toddler and my brother was born, my dad began working extremely demanding hours to advance his career and build the connections and get the experience that he ultimately used to build his own business. The job that he took right after my brother was born gave him a two-hour commute at best. Between his hours, traffic, and the really bad winter that we had hat year, there nights that he didn’t even get home. My mom had to really do a lot to hold down the fort and acquire a lot of skills to compensate for his absence. She definitely had to change some lightbulbs. She had to learn to fix our VCR in many different ways because my brother really liked figuring out how things worked by finding new ways to break them. She had to shovel walkways, as well as the set of stairs leading up to our mailbox, many mornings and break the ice that had accumulated under the snow. I’ve known other women who’ve learned to do plumbing and mechanical work as well while being SAHMs whose husbands worked 80+ hours a week at times. And this definitely wasn’t a case of my dad failing his role. He was going out and working himself to the bone to provide for us and to get to a point where he could be really, really successful. It’s just that because of all the time and labor that he had to put in for those years, my mom had to expand her responsibilities and duties at times.

  24. Alex,
    If u look at what Jamie said she was clear that it was about what the men in her house did. Her husband as the head of her house has determined that for their house the men will do those things.

    In my house I would not be comfortable with my wife taking out the trash or mowing the lawn or shoveling snow. I consider those tasks for me or my boys to do. But in another man’s house he may have no problem with his wife doing those things. I think based on Jamie’s comments she respects this concept.

    Now based on the fact that God calls the woman the keeper of the home I think that women should handle the majority of domestic duties but there is still some room for discretion by husbands.

  25. @BGR,

    I can definitely understand why some men wouldn’t be comfortable having their wives do those things. I just wouldn’t encourage women to think that certain tasks around the house have to be their husbands’ job or that they’re physically incapable of doing them, and I do think that some husbands (like my dad at that time, when he was working as a construction manager and doing labor all day long that was both physically and mentally demanding) might be taking too much on themselves if they won’t ever let their wives help them out more by taking out the trash or help shovel. If your husband insists on doing those things himself, sure, accept that (although I personally struggle with that sort of thing sometimes because I feel guilty having people do things for me that I’d be capable of doing myself and because I feel good when I can help someone out by, say, helping them with yard work or shoveling). But like I said, some married couples will occasionally end up in situations like my parents did. It’s not like my dad didn’t shovel when he was physically present do so or didn’t really, really need that extra hour of sleep, for example. But on days where he couldn’t do that, my mom was legally obligated to have our steps cleared so that the mailmen didn’t slip and fall down what was a pretty steep flight of stairs.

  26. Also, Jamie, I want to make it clear that I’m not trying to demean you or insult you here. You and your husband have your own situation worked out, and if he wants to do those things for you, then there’s absolutely nothing wrong with you letting him! Every couple can certainly work out their own rules about what it means for a woman to take care of their home. Like I said, I have my own problems with asking for help and accepting help that isn’t financial assistance when it’s offered, and I’m trying to past that.

  27. Thank you Alex! Believe me, there are many times when I want to do those things you mentioned. But I fight against my natural instinct and submit to what my husband wants for me. The hardest part about always wearing dresses, perched on top of heels, is that it can give an appearance of being aloof or “too good” to get dirty and serve. I try to work around that perception by being the first to start cleaning up after an event at church or cleaning dishes used to cook, etc. It is a difficult balance (sometimes literally for me lol) to please my husbands desire and not give a wrong impression to others.

    Jamie

  28. You’re welcome, Jamie. For what it’s worth, you definitely don’t sound lazy. Far from it, in fact. Like you’ve said, you’re cooking for a family of six; you’re cleaning; you’re homeschooling four children; and you’re still active in volunteering at church when you can. And the tasks that you don’t do, like you said, are tasks that your husband or I suppose your son if he’s old enough does for you becuase your husband understands that it wouldn’t be feasible for him to ask you to wear shoes that limit your mobility and then ask you to do tasks that your high heels make dangerous. It also sounds like an expression of appreciation for the work that you do when he reserved certain household tasks for himself.

  29. Dragonfly,

    Many years ago I lived and worked in DC and lived in Northern Virginia and I can attest to seeing this chasing after money in that area by men and women. The DC area(Northern VA and southern Maryland) is probably one of the biggest feminist areas in the country. If you are a stay at home mom in that area they truly look down on you. Also when it comes to real estate prices it is like living in New York or California – a dumpy house in that area runs $400,000 dollars.

  30. It’s so sad! I can’t believe what was happening in a “good” daycare. Makes me really glad that we have made it to where I don’t have to work when they’re so little.

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