Many Christians believe the only way a woman can be unfaithful to her husband is by having sex with men other than her husband. Today we call this adultery. But in the Bible adultery was a two-sided coin. In the book of Ezekiel the prophet writes the following concerning Israel’s unfaithfulness to her husband which was God:
“You adulteress wife, who takes strangers instead of her husband!”
Ezekiel 16:32 (KJV)
In the above passage we see there are two parts to adultery, or what we would call marital unfaithfulness on the part of a wife:
- When a wife takes men other than her husband.
- When a wife does not take her husband.
It is utterly ludicrous to say as so many Christian teachers have falsely taught – that if a woman does not take other men yet refuses to take her husband she is still being faithful to him. If she does not take her husband she guilty of unfaithfulness to him.
In the church we are often taught that sexual immorality, otherwise known as fornication, has to do with sexual acts God does not allow like homosexual acts, premarital sex and adultery. But the Bible clearly teaches that there is a type of sexual immorality that we can actually commit by NOT having sex.
We find this teaching in Paul’s first letter to the Corinthian Church:
“2 Nevertheless, to avoid fornication, let every man have his own wife, and let every woman have her own husband. 3 Let the husband render unto the wife due benevolence: and likewise also the wife unto the husband. 4 The wife hath not power of her own body, but the husband: and likewise also the husband hath not power of his own body, but the wife. 5 Defraud ye not one the other, except it be with consent for a time, that ye may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again, that Satan tempt you not for your incontinency.”
I Corinthians 7:2-5 (KJV)
So how does a man and woman “avoid fornication” according to God’s Word? In two ways:
- Have sexual relations with your spouse on a regular basis to avoid fornication OUTSIDE marriage.
- Do not deny sex to your spouse to avoid fornication both INSIDE marriage (by denying them their right) and also OUTSIDE marriage (by tempting them to have sex outside marriage by your denial).
The False “Mutual” Teaching of Sex
Today we have many Christian teachers who actually ask us to ignore the very words we have just read in I Corinthians chapter 7. While it is true that I Corinthians 7:2-5 teaches that both men and women need sexual relations it does not teach sexual relations between a man and woman are based upon mutual desire. In fact, it teaches the very opposite. This passage teaches that sex in marriage is both a right and a responsibility of both the husband and the wife. The only decision which must be mutual regarding sex is the mutual decision by both the husband and wife to discontinue sex for a short period only.
Why I teach So Much on the Sexual Immorality of Sexual Defraudment
As a Christian I believe the Gospel of Christ, the reality of Heaven and Hell and the teaching that the Bible is the inerrant Word of God are perhaps the most important doctrines we as Christians must teach and affirm. However, that does not mean these are the only important doctrines. And while we do have a lot of false Gospels being spread today as there were in the early church era, thankfully there are still preachers and teachers who are faithful to the true Gospel of Christ and the inerrancy of his Word.
We even have a lot of Christian preachers and teachers today teaching that God does not want us to follow the evil ways of our culture. To this I say Amen and Amen! The Apostle Paul gives us this very command not to conform to the sinful ways of our culture in his letter to the Christians at Rome:
“And be not conformed to this world: but be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind, that ye may prove what is that good, and acceptable, and perfect, will of God.”
Romans 12:2 (KJV)
So, we will hear a Pastor teach from his pulpit that we should not have sex outside of marriage as our culture encourages. Great! We say amen to that! But then this same Pastor preach doctrines that conform to our American cultural values and at the same time directly contradict Biblical commands. These Pastors will condemn men for not loving their wives while remaining sinfully silent on the wife’s call to submit to her husband in everything. These Pastors will condemn men for having sexual thoughts while at the same time remaining sinfully silent on the sexual immorality of wives sexually defrauding their husbands.
The unfortunate truth is that today even among those who preach the true Gospel of Christ and the inerrancy of the Bible there is almost a complete and utter neglect or in many cases an explaining away of the Biblical doctrine of gender roles. There is actually an ongoing war on masculinity, patriarchy and male sexuality. All of this is being done to appease feminism which has infested even many conservative Bible preaching churches today.
This is why God lead me to create this blog back in April of 2014. God lead me to stand in this gap and to call my fellow Christian brothers and teachers back to the true teachings of God’s Word regarding gender roles as well as sexuality from a Biblical perspective. This is why many of my teachings on this site focus on a defense of masculinity, patriarchy, male sexuality and sexual rights from a Biblical perspective.
Empowering Christian Men with Steps to Confront their Wife’s Sexual Defraudment
In May of 2015, I published an article entitled “8 steps to confront your wife’s sexual refusal”. In this article I detailed 8 steps that Christian men could take in confronting sexual defraudment on the part of their wives. This article has since become one of the top 5 viewed pages on this blog and this page alone has had about 800,000 views since I first published it. I made some edits to this article over the last few years but essentially it has remained the same. Here are the 8 steps I list for men in confronting their wife’s sexual refusal:
Step 1 – Rebuke her privately
Step 2 – Stop taking her on dates or trips
Step 3 – No unnecessary household upgrades
Step 4 – Stop doing the little extra things
Step 5 – Remove her funding
Step 6 – Rebuke her before witnesses
Step 7 – Bring her before the Church
And then I gave the 8th and final step for husbands if these 7 steps did not bring their wife to repentance:
“What if none of these 7 steps work?
If your wife remains willfully defiant, yet she has not left you, it could be for a variety of reasons. She may not want to lose how she lives with you and she knows that after a divorce her lifestyle will be severely affected, and she does not want to deal with the consequences of divorce. Perhaps she may have some genuine care for you left as well as your children but she simply cannot see the error of her ways and will hold out indefinitely with the hope that one day you will fold and give her back the money, the dates, the trips, the house hold upgrades and she will not have been forced to change her ways.
But you have a final step you may take, one that you need to pray long and hard about before you do.
You have the option to divorce her for her sexual immorality.
“But I tell you, everyone who divorces his wife, except in a case of sexual immorality, causes her to commit adultery. And whoever marries a divorced woman commits adultery.” – Matthew 5:32(HCSB)”
A Real Story of a Man Exercising These 8 Steps
Not long after I published my article “8 steps to confront your wife’s sexual refusal” I received many emails from men eager to exercise these steps to confront the sinful fraud going on in their marriages. I have published some of those men’s stories on this site over the past few years. One of those men wrote me calling himself “M’s Husband” and his story was the inspiration for my article entitled “Sometimes “Sexual Interventions” are needed in a Christian marriage”. In this article I began with this excerpt from his email:
“Been married two years and we are both Christian. Our marriage is good, outside the bedroom. We have no children. My wife consented to sex once in the last year and that was six months ago. She refuses any kind of counseling. We abstained prior to marriage and from the first day of our marriage, she has always avoided sex and never enjoyed it.”
Throughout the rest of the article I encouraged and admonished M’s Husband to have a sexual intervention in his wife’s life. Over the last three years he has updated me on his situation with his wife as he has exercised the first 7 steps I gave to confront his wife’s sexual defraudment. Both in his letter that I published and as well as other letters he sent to me since anyone can see the love he had for his wife and his wish that their marriage could be made whole.
The sad reality is, just as Israel refused to repent and turn from her unfaithfulness to God as her husband so too after 5 years of sexual defraudment M’s Husband’s wife has refused to repent and turn from her unfaithfulness to her husband.
M’s Husband Letter to his Church Exposing His Wife’s Sin
What follows are excerpts from emails I have received over the last month from M’s Husband.
“Here is the sad update on my marriage. You know that I have been struggling with her rejection since we were married and started writing to you in early 2016.
I think this will be the final act in the drama/tragedy unless she repents and goes to therapy for sex aversion. I spoke for a while with my pastor and he is in agreement with my action.
Here is the letter that I wrote to those in my church and others whom I know. She was served with divorce papers today, so I have made this letter public. I am still keeping the door open for repentance and reconciliation, but I have strong terms that she must fill.
give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.
1 Thessalonians 5:18
MY LETTER TO MY CHURCH REGARDING MY WIFE’S SEXUAL DEFRAUDMENT
My wife, M is guilty of willful, continuous and unrepentant sexual immorality. After being deprived for 107 days, she threatened divorce if I continued to pursue my marital right with her. M proclaimed that she will never grant me my marital right. She has informed me that her decision is final and will not change. She has forsaken her duty and obligation to our marriage since the first day we were married by depriving me, rejecting me, defrauding me and forsaking me of my marital right. (Matthew 5:32)
She reluctantly went to Christian marriage counseling with me last year for four months. She rejected all the advice and suggestions that were given to her about chastity in marriage. Our marriage counselor gave up on us because M has an aversion to sex and strongly refused any and all kinds of professional help for that. I subsequently tried to get her to go to therapy and she strongly and angrily refused therapy and denied that she has a psychological aversion to sex.
I have been advised since late 2015 that divorce is a Biblical option. I had resisted that because I love M. M has not gone to her church for six months and she has hardened her heart toward me and has broken her marriage vow of being “one flesh” with me (Genesis 2:24).
Because I do not see any change in that attitude, because of her proclamation to never fulfill her marriage vow again, because of her willful disregard for the commands of God (1 Corinthians 7:2-5, Proverbs 5:19) and because she continues to rebel against God and against me (Ephesians 5:22-24, 1 Peter 3:5-6, Titus 2:5) I see no alternative except divorce. M and I have been nothing more than roommates as she has continuously violated the Biblical law of chastity in marriage (Hebrews 13:4). M has proclaimed to never fulfill the vow of marriage again.”
A few weeks after that letter, about a week ago, I received this update from M’s Husband:
As we continue through the process of separation and divorce, M has started reading Christian blogs and sends me some of them with comments. Too bad she started now, it would have been constructive for her to do that prior to our separation.
Yesterday she sent me one and stated how unloving I was and that she had “done it all” with the communication that she had really gone the extra mile and tried to love me with all her heart. Since submission to me (Eph 5:22) and allowing me to have sex more than once a month (with her acting as if she is being raped with anger and resentment) was forgotten by her, I became angry and wrote her an angry response. It is possible, that I write my best letters when I am angry. I try never to sin in my anger.
Here is the letter that I wrote to her yesterday.
MY LETTER TO MY WIFE M AFTER FILING FOR DIVORCE
I know that you tried to love me. But you decided that one aspect of our marriage would be under your own rules and not under God’s commands.
As your husband and leader of the family, I tried to lovingly bring you to the place that God commands a wife to be in the family. Submissive to me in all things as to the Lord himself. But you rebelled. Sarah submitted and obeyed her husband and called him “lord.” You decided to lead your husband in certain aspects of our marriage. Sinfully, Eve lead Adam. Jezebel lead Ahab. There were others in Scripture who did that. All with disastrous results.
Above all, you made your own rules for sex and rejected the commands of God. Rejecting the command to be “one flesh.” Rejecting the command to not deprive each other. Rejecting the command to satisfy me with your breasts ALWAYS. Think about that word always. The verse in Proverbs does not say sometimes. It does not say, when you feel like it. It does not even say once a week. It says ALWAYS. You denied your breast to me always. I wanted to give you thrills and pleasures through your breasts, but they were off limits to me ALWAYS. But that verse is not speaking only about breasts. “The wife does not have authority over her own body.” Considering that verse makes breasts an analogy for your whole body. You are to satisfy me with your WHOLE BODY ALWAYS. Always…all the time. Kisses always. Kisses on your forehead, your nose, your neck, your throat, your mouth, your tongue, your vagina and everywhere else always. I have authority over your whole body ALWAYS. Not once a week. ALWAY!
You rejected that….always. You rebelled, even as I was patient. For years I was patient. Then after being a “gatekeeper” you shut me down completely. Then you decided that your body, which I have authority over….always, will be off limits to me and by your decision and your rebellion you have commanded to me that we are going to have a sexless marriage, for the rest of our lives. The anger and resentment from you, during attempts at sex, broke my heart.
I did not marry you to be a roommate and I did not take a vow of celibacy when I married you. I loved you and I love Jesus. Paul wrote that it is better to marry than to burn with passion. I thought that if I could be satisfied with you, whenever I want you (which is what always means to me in this context) then I would not give in to the temptation to be satisfied anywhere but in your arms. But you rebelled. You stopped wearing clothes that appealed to me. (Remember, authority over your body gives me authority to dress you in what appeals to me). You would not wear lingerie that I liked, ever. You would not drive us to secluded places for wonderful sessions in the back seat. Not necessarily sex but just deep kissing and petting would have thrilled me. I liked watching you pee (authority over your body) but you refused. I wanted to shower with you, but you rebelled and refused that. You brought anger and resentment to our marriage bed. You let me know that you wanted to be anywhere else but in our marriage bed. I could not comprehend as someone could ever choose a television and computer game over sex with her husband.
I expected sex every day of our honeymoon, starting with the second night (first night on Maui). You refused every time except once in Maui and once in Las Vegas. I NEEDED sex at least twice a week at home, but you made yourself a gatekeeper and pulled your body away from me, so that we had sex four times, in the year after we returned from our honeymoon. Then you made me live as an involuntary celibate husband for sixteen months from May, 2014 until November,. 2015 with a total of one time. That time in the hotel room in Daly City. Not even sex in Memphis, when we were there for four nights and we were married less than a year.
Soon after I realized that you were a gatekeeper I tried to have sex with you but was rejected. “But since sexual immorality is occurring,” I was tempted. My urge and prayer was to be satisfied in your arms every time but you drove me away. I could have waited for you to finish your day’s work but your gate was closed all week, when I needed you every day. So…….I gave in to the temptation. It was only as far as my computer and the porn would not refuse me. You refused me over and over but the porn never refused me. It was there for, to take the place of the wife that God gifted me but who refused me, though I have authority over her body.
My marital right was refused as you did not keep your obligation and duty as a wife. I was more important than your work. Your husband is your top priority. You were great at cooking for me and keeping my stomach full. If I ate all that you gave me, I would have gained weight. But your top priority is sex with your husband. Your father is not your priority, your husband is. You kept the fourth commandment but broke many commandments that a wife has to keep for her marriage. Now look where our marriage is. You were usually unloving in the marriage bed. You were often angry and resentful in the marriage bed.
You tried to love me but you fell short in keeping the commands of a wife. I was patient but ran out of patience, particularly when you shut the gate on sex totally, completely and permanently on May 20, 2018.”
Anger and Discipline Because of Sin is Not Sinful
There are many weak and feminized Christians who would read the letters M’s Husband wrote saying that his acts toward his wife were unloving and not what God wants in a husband toward his wife. But those who says such things are completely and utterly ignorant of what actual love in marriage is by God’s standard and they are utterly ignorant concerning the character of God as a husband.
The Bible tells us the following in the book of Ephesians:
“Be ye angry, and sin not: let not the sun go down upon your wrath”
So right there in the text we can see there is such a thing as godly anger. It is not a sin to be angry at sinful behavior in others. God exhibits this anger toward sinful behavior throughout the Scriptures.
God brought all kinds of travesty on his wife Israel because of her disobedience before he finally had to divorce her for her failure to repent:
“6 And I also have given you cleanness of teeth in all your cities, and want of bread in all your places: yet have ye not returned unto me, saith the Lord. 7 And also I have withholden the rain from you, when there were yet three months to the harvest: and I caused it to rain upon one city, and caused it not to rain upon another city: one piece was rained upon, and the piece whereupon it rained not withered. 8 So two or three cities wandered unto one city, to drink water; but they were not satisfied: yet have ye not returned unto me, saith the Lord.”
Amos 4:6-8 (KJV)
In the book of Revelation Christ warns his churches that he will remove their candlesticks if they failed to repent. At the end of his threats toward his disobedient churches he states:
“As many as I love, I rebuke and chasten: be zealous therefore, and repent.”
Revelation 3:19 (KJV)
I do want to add one word of caution about anger that I have told to M’s Husband. As Christians we may have righteous anger toward sin as M’s Husband has toward his wife’s sin. But we must always guard against our righteous anger turning into bitterness which then becomes sin.
The False Use of the Hosea Example
Many Christian preachers and teachers teach a false doctrine based on the following passage from Hosea:
“The beginning of the word of the Lord by Hosea. And the Lord said to Hosea, Go, take unto thee a wife of whoredoms and children of whoredoms: for the land hath committed great whoredom, departing from the Lord.”
Hosea 1:2 (KJV)
In this story Hosea takes on a whorish wife who leaves him to commit adultery and then he goes and takes her back. Many Christian teachers and preachers today teach that this is showing God wants Christian husbands to tolerate and continue to stay married to their unfaithful wives while trying to softly win them back. They teach men that living in sexless marriages with defrauding wives actually is honoring to God!
Other Christians will use a passage I have used often on this site to admonish us a Christians to suffer for Christ:
“20 For what glory is it, if, when ye be buffeted for your faults, ye shall take it patiently? but if, when ye do well, and suffer for it, ye take it patiently, this is acceptable with God. 21 For even hereunto were ye called: because Christ also suffered for us, leaving us an example, that ye should follow his steps”
1 Peter 2:20-22 (KJV)
They will say that this means God calls men to suffer sexual defraudment from their wives and “take it patiently”. I have previously written that yes we has husbands are called to suffer many kinds of abuse from our wives. Our wives may disrespect us and disobey us in many ways. Our wives may shame us by their behavior. Now when I say “suffer” this does not mean we as husbands cannot or should not discipline our wives for these things. I have written extensively on the discipline of wives in my article “7 Ways to Discipline Your Wife“. But when I say “suffer” I mean we may have to accept the fact that we are going to have to live with these sinful tendencies in our wives and we cannot look to divorce them because of them.
However there are certain sins we are NOT called to suffer from our wives and to do so makes a mockery of the model of marriage. In fact the final remedy God allows for sexual immorality on the part of one’s wife is divorce.
When a man simply stands by as his wife commits sexual immorality against him either by having sex with other men or by refusing to have sex with him he shames himself and he shames the God who made him to image him.
In the book of Hosea rather then presenting himself as a passive husband quietly suffering his wife’s sexual immorality God shows himself as tough husband who divorces his wife and then threatens to strip her and publicly expose her after the divorce!
“2 Plead with your mother, plead: for she is not my wife, neither am I her husband: let her therefore put away her whoredoms out of her sight, and her adulteries from between her breasts;
3 Lest I strip her naked, and set her as in the day that she was born, and make her as a wilderness, and set her like a dry land, and slay her with thirst. 4 And I will not have mercy upon her children; for they be the children of whoredoms. 5 For their mother hath played the harlot: she that conceived them hath done shamefully: for she said, I will go after my lovers, that give me my bread and my water, my wool and my flax, mine oil and my drink.”
Hosea 2:2-5 (KJV)
Does the above passage sound like a husband who tolerated his wife’s unfaithfulness to him? The answer is absolutely not!
God said he “put away” or in other words divorced his wife Israel because of her whoredoms and adulteries. He clearly says “she is not my wife, neither am I her husband” meaning the divorce is now final. Yet he still loves his ex-wife and will still bring even more punishments on her to break her from her sin so that one day she may return to him again.
I want you to zero in on a key phrase God says when he states “Lest I strip her naked, and set her as in the day that she was born”. That is a powerful statement! God is saying he is going to shame Israel and expose Israel for her unfaithfulness to him.
This is what M’s Husband is doing with his wife. He is following God’s example with his unfaithful wife Israel. Yet the vast majority of Christians today, so woefully ignorant of the God of the Bible and so poisoned by feminism which has weakened the minds and resolve of men would condemn M’s Husband for his actions.
Let us pray that God give M’s Husband the resolve he needs to see this through to its completion. Let us pray that God will send a revival in the hearts of Christian men to see that God calls us to model him as husbands in our marriages.
A big part of modeling God as husbands in our marriages is to model his discipline toward his wives (both Israel and the Church). Men who tolerate willful and blatant sexual immorality in the form of sexual defraudment on the part of their wives are not modeling God as a husband to his people.
I pray that if you see your own weakness as a husband to confront your wife’s sexual defraudment that you will do so today as M’s Husband has done with his wife.