With the Christmas season upon us, I thought I would give some tune up advice on marriage (which we all need from time to time). What are the things that light your spouse’s fire? What things make them feel loved and make them more loving toward you? What things make them feel unloved? If someone asked you to list these things out – could you?
In two previous posts, I discussed “The twelve attributes of marital love” and “Is attraction required for marriage?” I built the case from a Biblical perspective that there are two kinds of love within marriage.
The Bible speaks of three types of love in the context of marriage:
Sexual love(Eros) – This is a love based on sexual attraction. It is the initial driving force for most men seeking out women for marriage. A woman may be sexually attracted to a man as well before marriage or she may grow to be sexually attracted to him after marriage. The Bible has entire book dedicated to this type of love, the Song of Solomon.
Emotional, or Friendship love(Phileo) – This is love based on either romantic feelings between a man and woman, feelings of infatuation, or love that is based on common interests. This kind of love is almost 100% based on how much each person puts into the relationship, whether it is a same sex friendship, a dating relationship, or a marriage.
Choice love(Agape) – This love is not based on feelings toward one’s spouse, and it is not based on sexual attraction toward one’s spouse. Instead it is based in the choice a person made when they entered into a covenant of marriage with their spouse. In choosing to enter into that covenant, they have committed to performing certain actions toward their spouse regardless of their feelings or sexual attraction at any given future time. This is why in addition to calling Agape a “choice love”, it is also a “commitment love” and an “action love”.
Most people think there is only one kind of love in marriage, unconditional love. It is true that unconditional love (Agape love) is the only required loved in a marriage.
For most couples having a friendship and romantic love takes a lot of work, and often times it fades and needs to be rekindled.
If I were to sum up the articles I have written on this subject, it would be that we are required to show love toward our spouse in these ways:
Be kind to them, even when you don’t feel like being kind. This kindness includes having sex with them, even when you don’t feel like it (the Bible calls sex a required “kindness” in marriage).
Support them, even when you don’t feel like supporting them.
Sacrifice yourself for them, even when you don’t feel like it.
Protect them, and their honor, even when you don’t feel like it.
Forgive them with an unending forgiveness, even when you don’t feel like it.
Now one would think that if a spouse loved someone the way I just described, that Phileo love (romantic friendship love), would naturally come from this. But the truth is, this is not always the case. Many Christian marriage books give couples false hope that these things alone will help to spark romantic and friendship love in a marriage, but this is simply not true.
More is required for Phileo (romantic friendship love) in marriage
Phileo (romantic friendship love) in a marriage is NOT an unconditional love. In fact it is a VERY conditional love. You get what you put into it, plain and simple.
The Bible says in the Galatians 6:7;
“…for whatsoever a man soweth, that shall he also reap.”
The law of sowing and reaping very much applies to Phileo love in marriage. You get what you put into it, if you want Phileo love (romantic friendship love) you have to put something in to get it.
His and Her Fireplaces
At the beginning of this post I showed an image of fire place. I believe that is a great way to describe Phileo love in marriage (as opposed to Agape love). You and your spouse both have Phileo love fireplaces:
In the man’s fire place I put respect and sex. In the woman’s fire place I put Talk and Time.
And yes I reference sex in the man’s fire place and not in the woman’s. I am NOT saying women don’t want sex or don’t have a desire for sex. But things like talking and time spent together, especially going on dates, is what lights most women’s fire and gives women the desire to have sex.
There are many other types of logs a man and woman may need besides these two things, but I can tell you that for the vast majority of men and women, these are the bare minimum requirements to stoke the fires of friendship and romance in a marriage.
Without these things, don’t be surprised if your relationship grows stale and cold.
So for guys, if you are wondering why its been a long time since your wife wore that special lingerie for you, or why she has been crabby and disrespectful toward you, first ask yourself when the last time you sat down and really talked with your wife. When was the last time you took her out on a date?
For the gals, if you husband has not taken you out in a while, or perhaps he is not spending much time talking to you – as yourself when was the last time you rocked his world in the bedroom? Or maybe you have been having a disrespectful attitude toward him?
An astute observer who knows the Scriptures well might point out a key issue here. Wives are commanded to respect their husbands in the Scriptures. Wives are also commanded to have sex with their husbands in the Scripture.
So in essence this answers the age old question about sex and romance – it is the chicken and egg question. Which comes first, sex or romance? Since sex is required, and romance is not this tells us which one comes first.
Ladies – most men are simple creatures, you show a man respect, and give him the gift of your body that God has blessed him with, and most men will crawl over hot coals to show you how much they love you. It really is that simple.
Ways the fire goes out
The three main ways that His or Her love fire place go out are:
Neglect – just not doing anything. It’s not that you did anything unkind toward your spouse. It’s just that you have not put any new wood into their fireplace lately.
Unkindness – Criticism in a marriage or degrading your spouse will in any way is like taking a bucket of water over to their fire place and pouring it on it.
Disagreements – Sometimes you feel like you need to say something to your spouse. You know it may end in a disagreement, or heated discussion. Just realize when you do this you might be taking a bucket of water and pouring it on their fire. So choose your battles wisely, always ask yourself – “is it worth it?” Many a couple routinely knock out each other’s fireplaces with disagreements that did not need to be said.
But let me clarify something on this disagreement section. Sometimes a spouse must speak up, knowing that it will upset the other spouse. There has been many a time that I voiced a concern with my wife, knowing it might cost me something for a little a while. If this is done for the right reasons, and a Godly purpose, you must do this.
But then realize that you need to come back and rekindle the fires of Phileo love again in that spouse.
While Phileo (friendship romantic) love is never commanded in marriage (as opposed to Agape love which is), it is something worth striving for. It definitely makes it much easier to love your spouse with an Agape love, when you have a Phileo love as well.
Also I believe that while God does not specifically command Phileo (friendship romantic) love in marriage, he wants us to do everything with all our might. He wants us to do everything to the best of our ability, to enjoy being with that person he has placed us with in marriage.
So if you don’t know what lights your spouse’s fire – then find out today! Talk to them and strive for your marriage to be the best it can be, not merely meeting the minimum requirements.
Feel free to comment and share some things that you know make your spouse feel loved and stoke the flames of romance in your marriage.
3 thoughts on “What things light your spouse’s fire?”
What is your opinion when a woman does not wish to marry or have children? Such as asexual women. Also, what would your opinion of agender be?
Both Jesus(Matthew 19:12) and Paul(I Corinthians 7) talked about celibacy. When Jesus talked about it he referred to “Eunuchs”. A Eunuch would be a man who was not interested in sex either because he was castrated(as many servant men were, to help them avoid sleeping with their master’s wives), or they were “born that way”, simply meaning they have no sexual desire. Paul was in the latter category, where he chose to be a “Eunuch” for the kingdom of God. Celibacy in the New Testament is held in high regard, but only if one has that spiritual gift, was made that way physically or born that way.
But we must also weigh Scripture against scripture – While Paul says celibacy is good in I Corinthians 7 if one has the gift, in I Timothy 5:14 he says “I will therefore that the younger women marry, bear children, guide the house, give none occasion to the adversary to speak reproachfully.”
So my answer to your question is, if a Christian woman has no desire to be with a man, no desire for marriage or children then she is to dedicate her life in full service to God such as being a missionary or Christian school teacher…or devoting the majority of her time to working in her church as much as possible.
Celibacy is never seen for a man or a woman as a way to simply avoid marriage and children. It is seen as a rare gift to be used in the service of God. Those Christian men or women who forgo marriage simply for their own “selfish ambitions”, to pursue money and career without the entanglement of marriage or family miss the entire point of the gift of celibacy.
In other words as a Christian you don’t get to use celibacy as a “get out jail free” card to live the way you want to, God calls you as a celibate person to full time Christian service in whatever capacity you can find.
What really lights my husband’s fire is that I can be very quiet when I can tell that he needs quiet. Sometimes he enjoys my presence but doesn’t want to talk, sometimes he prefers to be all by himself, then I’ll leave the room. When I join him again after he eventually called me he’ll usually hug me and tell me how sweet I am. He absolutely loves that I’m considerate of his temper.
He also appreciates that I often dress to please him. I admit however that I cannot bring myself to getting a shorter haircut even though he’s asked me countless times. He thinks I’ll look great with chin length, I disagree.
What lights my fire:
Sometimes he makes up a cute new pet name for me. I also like when he cuddles me a bit before I fall asleep. What really lights my fire is that he’s protective of me, even though his interference can be annoying sometimes.