Is my husband raping me?

“Is my husband raping me?” This is a question that was asked of me recently by a Christian wife.  She sent me her story as an anonymous comment on my article “Is a husband selfish for having sex with his wife when she is not in the mood?”. I have made some grammar and spelling fixes to the comment but it remains true to what this Christian wife stated about problems in her marriage.

“My husband and I have been married for 9 years. When I was pregnant with our first child we sat down and had a discussion about sex. I told him while I was pregnant there would be times when I probably would not want to have sex and if he did I understood and I would be willing to fulfill my duty and his desires………well it all went downhill from there.

I understand what the Bible states. I am a Christian however he is not. That being said when sex began to be painful because of pregnancy he did not care. I would receive the comment “It will only take a few minutes, and I’ll be quick.” Whatever, I took it. Did not hold a grudge. Got past it. The problem is, it has never stopped.

My husband has sex with me whether I want it or not, all of the time. It has tainted our marriage and our sex life to the point of disgust. Even when I would cry, he would still have sex with me. I can read a book and he will still have sex with me. I have tried to tell him how this makes me feel, I have begged and pleaded with him, not to do this to our marriage, that I feel like his whore, or his piece of trash, he does not care.

I have told him this is not love, this is not biblical love, I do not feel loved and he does not care. I hate when he touches me. It literally makes me sick to my stomach. I became so deep in depression because of it. I will be so sad and heartbroken after we have sex sometimes and he actually will ask, “What is your problem?”

I even went as far as to get drunk so I could have sex with him. Guess what….he thought that was the best idea ever, so he would make sure I would have enough alcohol in me to have sex. Even when I said I wanted to stop drinking, he would always make sure the fridge is full.

When I would beg to see a counselor, I would get a guilt trip of 100 reasons why I shouldn’t or cannot. Now I am so numb to it all, I put a pillow over my face, and say just get it over with. And still I am trying to be a Godly wife.

So please tell me how this is not sin. How this is not rape, or abuse of some sort. Because in my mind I feel like I am living with my molester every day. Yes he says he is sorry, he does try to get me in the mood. You can definitely tell when he want wants it, it is the only time he comes up behind me and holds me, and the nonstop sexual comments like “Why don’t you come sit on my lap?” Gross. And If I don’t have sex with him the sighing and whining is sooo overwhelming. It becomes a punishment.

When I’m upset after we have had sex, I get “You told me to do it, I don’t know why you are so upset”. I can go on and on. So as a Christian women do I just keep taking it and keep the smile on my face pretending everything is ok when it is killing me inside? And just a side note, I am not a feminist, I am very biblical when it comes to God’s way, and not being in this world but of this world. So I do get what you are saying about not denying your husband of sex.

But what do you do when it has turned into what yes I would call rape?”

My response to this wife and other Christian wives who face similar situations

I am going to take what I see in her story, and try and break it up into various questions that are raised both by her husband’s behavior as well as hers.

Question 1 – Was the husband wrong for having sex with his wife while she was pregnant and in pain?

It depends. Had he just had sex with her in the last few days? Then perhaps he should have put her need to not experience more pain and discomfort ahead of his need for sex. But if she had been in pain for weeks or a month and he finally came to her and said “Babe I need this, I promise I will make it quick” – then she should have put his need for sex above her need to not experience additional discomfort.

Sometimes though a woman cannot have vaginal intercourse for medical reasons beyond just discomfort. For instance most doctors advice women not to have vaginal intercourse for 6 to 8 weeks after giving birth. If a man were to try and have vaginal sex with his wife during this period it would be highly painful for her and it might cause complications with her healing process. But that does not mean a woman cannot meet her husband’s sexual needs in other ways during this time. God has given her the ability to manually or orally satisfy her husband in order to meet his sexual needs. Christian wives ought to do this for their husband’s during this post birth period, and for that matter any other period when they may not be able to physically have sexual intercourse with their husbands.

Question 2 – Was the husband wrong for having sex with his wife even when he knew she did not want to?

As I have said before, I have never advocated for a Christian husband to force himself upon his wife. But contrary to what feminists and other marital rape accusers say – there is difference between a husband convincing his wife to let him have sex with her and him physically forcing himself upon her.

Rather than hash this out again here – I have answered this entire issue from a Biblical perspective in the my article “Is a husband selfish for having sex with his wife when she is not in the mood”. But the short answer is no he is not being selfish for having sex with his wife simply because she is not in the mood. The Bible is clear that for the purposes of sex “The wife hath not power of her own body, but the husband: and likewise also the husband hath not power of his own body, but the wife.” – I Corinthians 7:4.

Question 3 – Was her husband treating her like a whore?

“He treats me like a whore”, “He treats me like a prostitute” and “He only wants me for sex”. These are three common statements that we hear from wives (Christian and otherwise) about their husbands frequently online and elsewhere. What wives who make these statements are actually saying is “He does not romance me anymore, he does not talk to me enough and spend time with me outside the bedroom enough”. When wives express these sentiments it comes from a place of them feeling like their husbands have not earned the right to have sex with them. Only when their husband makes them feel the way he once did, then and only then will they be able to have sex with him without feeling like “a whore”, “a prostitute” or “just plain used”.

A husband should know his wife, and part of knowing one’s wife is talking to one’s wife. I wrote an entire post on this subject entitled “10 ways to know your wife”. So if this woman’s husband was failing to talk to his wife(outside of when he wanted sex), but rather on a daily basis – getting to know what was going on in her life a daily basis – then he was in the wrong. Also as part “knowing one’s wife” he would know if he listened to her that she needs to be touched on a regular basis, and not only in a sexual manner when he wants sex.

But where this point of “I feel like my husband’s whore” falls woefully short is two wrongs never make a right. Her husband doing the right thing – talking to her on a daily basis and knowing her better is NOT a prerequisite to sex in marriage. She seems to have been very grudgingly yielding to her husband, and while a Christian husband can accept grudgingly yielded sex – it does not make it right on the part of the wife to have such a horrible attitude.

The two greatest lies Satan tells women regarding sex and marriage

The Scriptures state:

“For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places.” – Ephesians 6:12

We are in a battle with Satan – who uses our sin nature to try and deceive us each and every day. The devil wants to destroy marriage because marriage represents the relationship between God and his people. He wants to make a mockery of it.

The first lie Satan tells to unmarried women:

“If he makes you feel loved, then by all means give your body to him, enjoy great sex based on your passion for one another. You don’t need to be married, follow you feelings wherever they lead you. The minute he stops making you feel loved, dump him and move on to another new romance. This does not make you a whore. Whores have sex with men just to have sex, you are having sex based on your feelings of love and that is noble and right. But remember my golden rule – don’t do anything you don’t feel like doing. ”

The second lie Satan tells to married women:

“Remember what I told you when you were single. That applies when you are married too. If he makes you feel loved and is passionate and romantic and you feel like having sex with him, then by all means have sex. But if he does not make you feel loved, or if the passion fades stop having sex with him and make it clear he has to make you feel loved and romanced like he did when you first together.  If a long time goes by and the feelings of love don’t come back, dump him (divorce him) and move on to the next guy. Even if your husband does make you feel loved, you never should have sex with him if you don’t feel like it, never forget my golden rule – don’t do anything you don’t feel like doing.

Remember you were wondering if you were being a whore by sleeping with men when you were single? Well you know what a real whore is? It is a wife who has sex with her husband when she does not feel like it, and especially when she does not feel loved or romanced.”

These two lies of Satan play out in almost every TV show and drama movie that we see today. I pray to God that the Christian women of this world will repent of believing these lies of Satan. A woman who has sex with her husband, even when she does not feel like it, even when her husband is not doing everything he should, is doing EXACTLY what God wants her to do. She is living according to the Spirit, and not according to the flesh.

Was her husband wrong for getting her drunk for sex?

This is an easy answer – yes he was wrong. It is never right to encourage drunkenness in someone as that is sinful. Does this wrong rise to the level of allowing for divorce? No. In this case she needed to exercise restraint and not engage in getting drunk.

Is her husband raping her or abusing her by having sex with her when she is not in the mood?

Aside from his physically harming her by forcing himself upon her no he is NOT abusing his wife from a Biblical perspective. Even if he did physically force himself upon her – it is IMPOSSIBLE Biblically speaking for a man to rape his wife. Abuse? Yes. Rape? No.  For a larger discussion of the Biblical impossibility of marital rape I refer you again to my post “Is a husband selfish for having sex with his wife when she is not in the mood”.

If he convinces her to yield her body to him, then no sin has been committed on his part. But it is very possible that even if she yields to him – there is still sin on her part. If she acts disgusted by him and acts like he has no right to have sex with her – then the sin lies squarely in her court. She needs to eliminate the terms “rape” and “molester” from her vocabulary regarding her husband’s sexual advances toward her.

Should her husband go to counseling with her?

Yes I believe he should, but they should see a Christian marriage counselor that will exhort her to do what she should as Christian wife and perhaps they can lead her husband to Christ in the process. This is her best bet to having her husband change some of his selfish ways. But she will not be able to even have a chance of convincing him to go to counseling until she does what God commands wives to do toward their unbelieving husbands.

“Wives, in the same way submit yourselves to your own husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives, when they see the purity and reverence of your lives.” – I Peter 3:1-2 (NIV)

Perhaps if Christian wives in the situation described in this story would go to God and ask him to remove all bitterness in their hearts, submit themselves spiritually, mentally and sexually to their husband’s with a right heart they may have a chance of bringing their husband’s to Christ and as a result of that God can do wonderful things with their marriage.

Conclusion

I have shown here that Biblically speaking this woman’s husband was not raping her. Did he sin in other ways? Yes. Is it possible for a husband to abuse his wife? Yes. Is it possible for him to rape and molest his wife? From a Biblical perspective the answer is NO. Christian wives must eliminate the terms “rape” and “molester” from their vocabulary were it references their relationship with their husband.

56 thoughts on “Is my husband raping me?

  1. That’s a really sad and painful tale. That poor wife, but that poor husband too, because no matter how much he may appear not to care, it cannot be very enjoyable to have sex with someone’s tears and complete lack of enthusiasm. He is settling, but that settling comes with a price, too.

    That wife needs some support, some counseling, there could be something else going on there. When you start to perceive a husband as a rapist or a molester, there can be past experiences popping up, childhood traumas. If that is true those issues need to be resolved, because one can transfer them on to a husband, often the safest one and closest one to project those feelings onto. Her issues with sex may have nothing to do with her husband at all, but by not addressing them she deprives herself and him of a healthy relationship.

    God actually can heal sexual problems, and all in good humor here, but He already knows, so there is no point in trying to keep secrets from Him. I really wish more wives would turn to Him honestly and ask for His healing, ask to be granted a healthy sex life, because we were really not designed to just grin and bear it, but rather to enjoy it. Rebellion may well play a part sometimes, but I really believe it can be a bit more complex than that.

  2. insanity,

    You are right that a woman not liking her husband’s sexual advances can stem from either a negative view sexuality she grew up with, or from actual sexual abuse she suffered but has repressed. But I think there is a third source here that I see as a possibility. It is very possible this woman was not abused as child and did not grow up in a negative environment toward sexuality. It is possible she simply had been programmed from her family(and culture around her) that her husband had to earn her sexual love. It was his job to make her feel loved and to romance her and only then should she then allow him to have sex with her. So in the beginning of her relationship as in many new relationships, he is romantic and talks to her and holds her and makes her feel loved. Then like many relationships, the husband gets involved in his work and his hobbies and stops talking to his wife. He does not just hold her the way he used to. But instead he approaches her and touches her only when he wants sex – this is the only time he talks to her.

    She might feel used and neglected. I get that. Is he wrong for his treatment of her? Yes. Could he do better by spending some time talking with her, and maybe just holding her without asking for sex – it would probably go a long way with her. So her entire romantic ideal of what sex in marriage should be like has been shattered – and she has made it very clear to him how miserable she is with her ideal being shattered. As said in the post – they are both doing things wrong – his emotional neglect of her, and her bitterness toward him. Neither are what God wants from a couple.

  3. My money is that you won’t approve this comment but you may surprise me.

    Under the law of almost every country in the world sex without consent is rape. By saying that sometimes sex without consent isn’t rape you are giving a very poor message to all people who have had sex forced on them.

    Imagine for just one second that this was your daughter telling you this disturbing and painful story? Would you tell her it was her duty as a wide to submit to painful sex? Sex that made her feel uncomfortable and dirty? That it was her fault?

  4. This is one of the most nauseating things I’ve ever read. And to insanitybites: yes, the woman needs help because when rapist and molester enter the lexicon, IT’S PROBABLY BECAUSE SHE IS BEING RAPED.

    This site is disgusting. God doesn’t know any of you.

  5. Rape = Rape…Always!!! There are no conditions! The issue here has nothing to do with the wife rebelling or needing to resolve childhood trauma. The husband is being inconsiderate and inhumane with his demands on his wife. Clearly the woman is in pain! This husband needs to exercise compassion and talk with his wife about her pain, and try to accommodate her so that she can feel comfortable with sex, not force it on her because of his selfish needs! Being selfish is NOT Christian-like, and complete disregard for his wife’s needs (physically and emotionally) is completely unacceptable. She is crying out for him to see that she is not okay!!!

  6. Angela,

    As far as my daughter goes(and I have a teenage daughter) – the first thing is I would never approve of her marrying a non-Christian man as that is a violation of the Scriptures for believer to marry a non-believer. But sometimes young people get caught up in passion and feelings and they marry the wrong man against their parents advice. So when the feelings go away and the marriage becomes real they know the mistake they made.

    But from a Christian perspective – we don’t get “do overs” when it comes to marriage. Unless he is physically abusing her, failing to provide for her or failing to have sex with her I would not advice my Christian daughter than she could divorce her unbelieving husband.

    If my daughter told me this exact story I would ask her these questions:
    1. Is he physically abusing you? Is he hitting you or forcing himself on you?
    2. Is failing to provide for you? Does he not provide your with food clothing and a home?
    3. Is he denying you sex – does he refuse to have sex with you?

    If she answered no to all of these questions, I would review the Scriptures with her and show her that God expects her to love her unbelieving husband, even though he may have acted selfishly at times.

    As far as sex goes – my daughter has been taught since she first asked me and her mom about sex that sex is the duty of a wife AND husband in marriage. Neither can deny the other.
    I would ask my daughter why she did not want to have sex with her husband so often. If she said she was having painful intercourse I would tell her she needs to see a doctor and find out what options there are. In the mean time she could help her husband in other ways(manually or orally) and let him know she wants to be back on intercourse as soon as possible.

    If my daughter told me that she “did not feel loved”, and felt “like her husband’s whore” I would tell my daughter “You need to continue to respectfully ask you husband if he will go to counseling with you so that you can explain why you do not feel loved”. I would tell her that it is disrespectful to say she is her husband’s whore. I would tell her that I understood that her husband might not be connecting with her as he should, but that does not make it right for her to deny sex to him or have sex with a horrible attitude.

    I would tell my daughter – “While you are waiting for him to go to counseling with you, God expects you to do what is right, even if your husband is not doing everything he should be toward you. In fact you might even be able to soften your husband’s heart by willingly and freely giving him sex whenever he asks. Respect him, submit to him and for many men this will soften them.” I would tell her “I know it is difficult for you as woman to have sex with your husband when you are not feeling loved, but God calls you to step outside your feelings and do what is right.”

    “Wives, in the same way submit yourselves to your own husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives, when they see the purity and reverence of your lives.”
    I Peter 3:1-2

  7. It’s a sad story isn’t it, and rather painful to read? The thing is consent is clearly written all over that story in multiple ways, so no, not rape at all. Read the words:

    “I would be willing to fulfill my duty and his desires”
    “Whatever, I took it. Did not hold a grudge.”
    “I even went as far as to get drunk so I could have sex with him”
    “Yes he says he is sorry, he does try to get me in the mood.”
    “You told me to do it, I don’t know why you are so upset”

    Now read the words about the alleged “force” being used,

    “..the sighing and whining is sooo overwhelming..”

    Bad sex is not rape. As much as I empathize with this woman and her pain and unhappiness, it is actually rather offensive to categorize something like this as rape, because it trivializes what rape actually is and it demeans those who have experienced it. Sighing and whining is not “force,” and no rape victim ever read a book during the experience.

    This is quite true, “Being selfish is NOT Christian-like, and complete disregard for his wife’s needs (physically and emotionally) is completely unacceptable.” However, insensitivity is not rape.

  8. insanitybytes,

    What you wrote is SPOT ON! There is ample evidence from her story that he did not physically force himself on her, but rather sighed and whined.
    Does it appear that he has been insensitive at times? Yes. But as you so well put it – bad sex is not rape, insensitivity is not rape and all these women saying it is do a grave injustice to true rape victims.

    I am always thankful for wise Christian women such as yourself – that are willing to take a stand for what is right, even in difficult situations like this.

  9. “Even when I would cry, he would still have sex with me. ”

    This is scary. This sentences stood out to me and I want so badly to help this woman if I somehow could. Marital duty or not, any man that can continue to have sex and experience pleasure while his wife is in agony is a sociopath. His actions are beyond selfish, they are deeply disturbing and demonstrate a complete lack of compassion and decency on his part.

    Yes, God wants husband and wives to be sexually connected, but at what cost? At the physical and/or psychological damage of one?

  10. THANK YOU! This is well written and well thought through, backed up with Scripture.

    Marital rape doesn’t exist. There are certainly relationships and marriages that are abusive and to abuse your spouse is to ignore Christ and His Teachings, but those situations certainly require visiting a thoughtful, educated Christian counselor to figure out how to bring everyone back to Christ. 🙂 Abuse is never Biblical! Abuse is never okay! But just because a husband has strayed from Christ, from his wife, from his duties – doesn’t mean he has raped her. There will always be those who are determined to think of submissive, Biblical marriages as being somehow abusive or terrible but MOST submissive wives (especially those that I know!) agree that a Biblical marriage is a happy, strong, nurturing one. I am a happily submissive wife and I know that I couldn’t ask for anything better!

    The naysayers are just out to continue the war on Christianity. And unfortunately, right now, everyone seems to think that’s acceptable. Jesus will be the ultimate judge, though, and until He comes, hopefully great people like this author will continue spreading His Word. I’m new to blogging, but I will definitely be giving you a shout out on mine!

  11. Sarah,

    Thank you for your kind words. We need more Christian wives like you and insanitybytes(also a Christian wife) who will do what the Apostle Paul exhorted women to do:

    “3 The aged women likewise, that they be in behaviour as becometh holiness, not false accusers, not given to much wine, teachers of good things;
    4 That they may teach the young women to be sober, to love their husbands, to love their children,
    5 To be discreet, chaste, keepers at home, good, obedient to their own husbands, that the word of God be not blasphemed.”
    Titus 2:3-5(KJV)

    God wants Christian women to teach other women how to be Godly wives and mothers. This is why I am such a huge proponent of Christian women setting up blogs as well as programs in their churches to help other women be Godly wives and mothers. I want to really encourage you in your new blog – spread the Word to other women! May God be with you.

  12. This wife certainly needs some counseling, because her husband is abusing her. She clearly stated that sex was causing her pain and that he expressed no concern. You people have just planted the seeds for atheism in her heart. Good for you. The world needs less of your ilk.

  13. Look up Stockholm Syndrome, Sarah, because what you and the writer of this blog are advocating fall under that disorder. If there is a war against Christianity, you people are on the forefront of the destroying army; this swill turns more people against Christ. Women are a part of the body of Christ, as well, if you are going by scripture, and by deciding that they can have their personhood diminished by these sorts of disordered acts, you have effectively strangled that part.

  14. Onanism – something coined some by Church leaders to condemn any kind of sexual activity outside of sexual intercourse.

    Lets look at the passage in question:

    “6 And Judah took a wife for Er his firstborn, whose name was Tamar.
    7 And Er, Judah’s firstborn, was wicked in the sight of the Lord; and the Lord slew him.
    8 And Judah said unto Onan, Go in unto thy brother’s wife, and marry her, and raise up seed to thy brother.
    9 And Onan knew that the seed should not be his; and it came to pass, when he went in unto his brother’s wife, that he spilled it on the ground, lest that he should give seed to his brother.
    10 And the thing which he did displeased the Lord: wherefore he slew him also.”
    Genesis 38:6-10(KJV)”

    The sin here was not masturbation, it was not even him pulling out(which is what this actually describes). The sin is that Onan was was required by God to give his dead brother’s wife an heir to raise up in his place and he purposefully did not.

    In fact the Old Testament accounts for masturbation and cleaning up afterwards:

    “16 And if any man’s seed of copulation go out from him, then he shall wash all his flesh in water, and be unclean until the even.
    17 And every garment, and every skin, whereon is the seed of copulation, shall be washed with water, and be unclean until the even.
    18 The woman also with whom man shall lie with seed of copulation, they shall both bathe themselves in water, and be unclean until the even.
    19 And if a woman have an issue, and her issue in her flesh be blood, she shall be put apart seven days: and whosoever toucheth her shall be unclean until the even.”
    Leviticus 15:16-19(NASB)

    There are three distinct activities described here
    1. A man having an emission of semen by himself(masturbation or nocturnal emission).
    2. A man having sex with his wife and semen spilling around them.
    3. A woman having her period.

    While all of these activities would make someone ceremonially unclean, none of them were considered sinful – if they were they would have required a sacrifice.

    As far oral sex it is alluded to in the Song of Solomon:

    ““Like an apple tree among the trees of the forest, So is my beloved among the young men. In his shade I took great delight and sat down, And his fruit was sweet to my taste.”
    Song of Solomon 2:3(NASB)

    So yes it is completely Scriptural for a woman to manually or orally give sexual pleasure to her husband, and this is especially helpful when for medical reasons she cannot have vaginal intercourse.

  15. To be fair, she said this happened over a period of 9 years. From her attitude I think we can infer that she has a very negative attitude towards sex. Perhaps she denied her husband sex for several weeks? In that case what is he supposed to do? Commit adultery? Of course not. In this case he is completely within his rights to use is marital rights as a husband to take sex from her. For her part, she could have tried to stimulate him in other ways and she is clearly not doing that.

    The reason this relationship feels so odd is because they are both sinning and not doing what they are supposed to do in a marriage. Both are sinning. The husband for not being loving and the wife for not submitting.

  16. even if she “denied her husband sex for several weeks” I guarantee you he won’t die from lack of sex. And as the writer pointed out in several comments, masturbation isn’t a sin, he can avail himself the use of his hands.
    This whole article is disturbing. Rape is not always someone pinning you to the ground and forcing themselves on you. Coercing your spouse into sex can absolutely be rape, as well as exercising his “rights as a husband to take sex from her.”

  17. Even from a secular perspective, without referencing the Bible, the answer would be “no”:

    Firstly, as stated in the article, consensual sex is never rape, even if one party would rather not be involved. Consent, even when a result of e.g. nagging or negotiation, is consent. (Some common feminist ideas, e.g. “I consented yesterday, today I regret it; ergo, I was raped” go beyond the absurd.)

    Secondly, IMO, a core part of a marriage is mutual promise to have no other sexual partners. For reasons of fairness, this requires the parties are sufficiently available to each other, that neither has an actual need for extra-marital partners. (But does not necessarily imply availability at the whim of the husband, which a biblical interpretation conceivably might.)

    As an aside, the above is quite possibly an example of a common problem in male–female interactions: The woman is dissatisfied, but does not bring the topic to an appropriate discussion and her grows resentment inside—while the man, through lack of information, does not appreciate the degree of dissatisfaction and resentment.

  18. So much to say, but where to begin…?

    First off, it is entirely, completely, 100% possible for a husband to rape his wife. It’s as simple as yes or no.

    However, the woman in this story was TECHNICALLY (please bear with me, I am in no way saying I approve of this) not raped. She may not have wanted to but she wasnt physically restrained nor did she physically resist. She was not threatened or blackmailed. She was coerced, or rather guilted and/or annoyed into having sex. While this is mentally and emotionally corrosive, it’s more of a SUPER sh**ty relationship than technical, legal rape. After 9 years, compounded daily, this kind of relationship would cause so much stress and inner conflict that what started as an irritating sense of duty would become a living nightmare.

    She may have made the problem worse by acting in such a way instead of figuring out their relationship issues. The disgust, the disinterest.. It can destroy a man’s self-esteem and men with low self esteem just continue the vicious cycle of their deteriorating relationship. But, all of that aside, the husband needed to BACK OFF and work for it. Passion fades but you can always make her feel loved and wanted. If that doesn’t work, then it won’t work out.

    From what it sounds like, she rejects his advances EVERY SINGLE TIME. If this is true, then either she should get checked for some sort of illness, or she doesn’t realize that she doesn’t feel compatable with him. Either way it’s unfair to both of them. If it happens that she only rejects him occasionally, then dude just needs to chill, back off, and handle himself

    One statement that astounded me was that if I woman doesn’t feel like having sex, why doesn’t she just help him out “orally or manually.” Now, WHY on earth, if she didn’t feel like having sex(an activity from which she can receive physical pleasure) would she blow the guy?(an activity out which she gets nothing)

    Because she technically consented, this may or may not have been rape, I couldn’t say, I’m no judge or lawyer. But I do know that just because you give consent once, does not hold you to consent for all eternity. Even if you’re married (imagine that). No person has to have sex just because someone else wants to, even if it’s your spouse.

    I just can’t believe there are so many subordinate, pushover, “respect and serve your husband no matter how bad he treats you” type woman there are. What about vice versa? Shouldn’t your husband respect and serve you just as much as you do him? I grew up around many strong-willed, independent women and each of them is in a HEALTHY, FUNCTIONING marriage where the partners treat eachother equally. The women do a lot for us and we make sure to keep up with them. The result?: a large, close-knit extended family that cares for one another. My friends with strong mothers all have the same: large loving families. All my friends with pushover mother figures.. Their families are falling apart. And they have no other family to turn to.

    I’m sorry this is so long but thank you for reading.

    My final point here is that the author here… There are so many horrible things I could say about you. Instead of insulting you I’ll just state fact. People like you are the reason for the radical feminism today. Women needed a way to escape the binding nature of your rules. You practically take their existence away. Every rule is designed to force obedience and keep them docile and easy to control. Comparable to SLAVERY. At one point men even BOUGHT THEIR WIVES from her family. At one point men literally owned their wives. In this day and age, you are not, let me repeat, ARE NOT allowed to own people. So why, then, do we follow such antiquated rules to oppress our other half? It’s only causing chaos. Because of people like you, femenism has turned from equal rights to man-hating. Because of people like you, white straight men such as myself are viewed as the enemy. And now we’re forced to hide behind political correctness to avoid offending anyone. All because people like you have to have to be on top. You wouldn’t give the little guy a break. So now as the king falls from his throne, the peasants throw rocks and jeer.

  19. LazarusFalling,

    Yours is one of those comments that interests me, because while you detest my beliefs that are based on the Christian Bible you are able to see through the fog and see the wrong on both sides of the relationship presented in this story. While the majority of folks on facebook or commenting here can’t really see any possible issues with the woman, but it is all on the husband. I conceded in my post that this husband was definitely doing some things wrong and acting selfishly.

    As to why there are so many women who believe in Biblical submission to your husbands – I think that the Christian blogger Insanity can answer that best(as she is a Christian wife). I will leave this question in her capable hands.

    But I can address your issues with me. First and foremost – thank you for keeping your issues with me civil so we can actually discuss the issues.

    Contrary to the assertions of my detractors, I and the millions of Christian men around the world that believe as we do about the roles husbands and wives do NOT need to be “on top” as in being the heads of our home out of our desire for power. The truth is that it would just be easier for many of us men to let go and let our wives handle everything and many men do that. You have shared your experience with “strong-willed, independent women” in homes and I will share mine. In my experience, every home I have ever come to where the couple says they have a “partnership” style of marriage and don’t believe in “a leader in the home” usually the woman is actually the leader, it is just much more subtle when a woman leads and most of the time she won’t admit to it.

    In fact I have seen some Christian homes where women want to pretend that they are submitting to their husband as the Bible teaches, yet they really are not and they control every decision their husband makes, and then they convince him that he actually makes the decisions, when in fact it is they who do it. What I usually notice in these homes where the women subtly lead is, occasionally they will throw their husband’s a bone and let him make a decision about something(perhaps his man-cave or his car) to keep up the allusion for him and others that he is not completely dominated by his wife.

    You believe from your perspective that women needed to escape the control of men, and thus the need for feminism. Our belief in that God created the world, and that he gave us the Bible gives us a different perspective. The Bible informs us that God created woman for man, just as God created all of humanity for himself. It tells us that God created marriage to be a symbol of the relationship between God and his people, between Christ and his Church. So we as believers are required to maintain the model that God has designed for us. In striving to live up to that model, a man is to lead, provide and protect his wife and children. A woman is called on to model the role of the Church, which submits to Christ in everything. So it is not a matter of thinking that a man is better than a woman, it is simply our belief as Christian men and women that if we are born as a man – God expects us to fulfill a certain role, and if we are born as a woman – God expects us to fulfill a different role.

    The Bible does not teach egalitarianism or an equal amount of rights between men women. It does teach about certain human rights that all people have under God’s law, but then it goes beyond that and gives different rights, responsibilities and privileges to men and women.

    On the issues of human property, slavery and human rights from a Biblical perspective I encourage you to check out these posts I recently published on the subject(since they come up so often in this discussion of gender roles).

    https://biblicalgenderroles.com/2015/07/10/does-the-bible-teach-the-concept-of-human-property/
    https://biblicalgenderroles.com/2015/07/10/biblical-human-rights-vs-american-human-rights/
    https://biblicalgenderroles.com/2015/07/10/why-christians-shouldnt-be-ashamed-of-slavery-in-the-bible/

    The reason why we follow such “antiquated rules” is because we believe those “antiquated rules” were given by the very God who called the universe into existence and we believe he created man and woman for his glory and honor. We as Christian husband’s do not follow these rules to oppress our wives or out of some power trip to “be on top”. We follow God’s law because we love him, and because we believe we are called to lead our families in obeying God’s Law. The rules of God’s Word are not meant to oppress anyone, not men, not women and not children. They are meant to free us from sin, and to free us from the true chaos that comes from having no order and no leadership. I have always found it fascinating how egalitarians accept authority in virtually every other human institution – whether it be in Federal and State governments, Mayors of cities, police officers,teachers in school and even the idea of leaders in churches. But in perhaps the most foundational unit of all society – in marriage and in the home – they see this as a leaderless institution.

    But I can tell you honestly – if God had said in the Bible that marriage is to be partnership, and neither spouse is to take leadership over the other I would follow that. If I were a woman, I would gladly follow God’s role for me as a woman. Believe me, I know of many great Godly Christian women, that have strong minds and strong wills(some even on these blogs) that channel their intelligence and their will to honor God and to honor their husband’s roles so it is not a matter of if someone has a strong will or mind, that they cannot submit. It does not mean they can’t tell their husband’s their opinion on all the issues of life, they just know how God wants them to go about. But I will let Insanity explain this to you a bit more.

  20. “If she said she was having painful intercourse I would tell her she needs to see a doctor and find out what options there are. In the mean time she could help her husband in other ways(manually or orally) and let him know she wants to be back on intercourse as soon as possible.”

    The advice you’d give to your daughter is perfectly acceptable, and is what adults in a situation like this should do. If sex is painful, she needs to be an adult and figure out what is wrong in order to solve her problem. And it is her problem… he can try to get her to go to the doctor, but she is the one who actually has to go herself. The fact that she’s allowed this to go on for so long is irresponsible and neglectful on her part. A gynecologist is always asking that question (“Is sex painful”) to women who come in even for their routine pap smear yearly… clearly, that is an issue that can be fixed, and sometimes fixed easily! To not fix it is irresponsible and immature in the way that she may be using it (subconsciously even) as a means to be the victim here, or play the martyr so that she doesn’t have to really enjoy giving her husband sex freely.

    Women are adults… even though many love to act like spoiled children, they CAN fix some of these problems by taking personal responsibility. Same thing goes with masturbating him or going down on him… if she loves her husband, she will find ways to pleasure him during pregnancy or when recovering from childbirth. It’s so simple… if you act like an adult!

    Also, kudos to you again! You are attempting to tackle one of the trickiest situations in this woman’s question. It really is possible that this is a fake, but I have heard of things like this happening, so there is that chance this might really be true. But again, a woman like this is setting herself up to be the victim because she gets something out of being the martyr in their relationship.

  21. Dragonfly,

    Well said. This issue not only affects women but also affects men. If a man has some sort of issues with ED, or perhaps a urinary tract infection it is his duty to his wife to go to his doctor and seek help. He should not be able to use something like ED or other fixable medical issues as an excuse not to have sex with his wife. This issue has effected me and my wife personally lately. I recently had one of the worst kidney stones I have had in 20 years(I have bouts with them about every two years). But for almost a month I was not able to have regular intercourse with my wife. I told my wife as soon as I left the hospital that while I might be out of commission down their, I still had other ways that God has given me to help her out during this time.

    The world does not understand the sacrificial side of sex. They believe sex must only happen when both people mutually want to and are able to, but that is not God’s view of sex. In God’s view while sex can be a mutually pleasurable activity many times, sometimes it is sacrificial and in both ways it honors God.

  22. Lazarus, thanks for speaking kindly and asking some genuine questions.

    You said, “I just can’t believe there are so many subordinate, pushover, “respect and serve your husband no matter how bad he treats you” type woman there are.”

    I think there are some real misunderstandings in the culture at large about what it means for wives to submit. There are false stereotypes about doormats and Stepford wives, about pushovers and subordinates, as if submission somehow means passivity and condoning abuse. Truly, nothing could be farther from the truth, it is actually a very empowering thing for women to do. One definition of submit is simply “to yield,” in the case of husbands, to yield to their leadership. The opposite of submit is actually to engage in battle. With women the “battle” is usually going to be a passive aggressive, psychological one.

    I could write volumes about the benefits, the fruits of submission, but just in this context, with the woman who wonders if she is being raped, molested, she has within her the power to change the entire narrative. To rewrite the script that she is rather miserably living out. First she has to stop thinking of her husband as if he were a rapist, to stop resisting and resenting the idea that she “must” have sex with him, and to stop perceiving herself as a victim. This is easier said than done of course, but if she were able to realize that she is actually in service to Christ in her marriage, to recognize her husband’s designated authority, not with resentment because he is so unworthy, but simply by virtue of who he is, she would be able to see how he doesn’t have to earn the right to have sex with her, it is a gift she freely gives in the marriage contract. When you submit, you relinquish some control, but you also relinquish some responsibility, some shame, resentment, the burden of rather passive/aggressively constantly trying to change him. Those are all huge libido killers for women.

    You yourself said, “The disgust, the disinterest.. It can destroy a man’s self-esteem and men with low self esteem just continue the vicious cycle of their deteriorating relationship…”

    So, in the process of resisting emotionally, psychologically, spiritually, she has made her own self miserable, perhaps destroyed her husband’s self esteem, and maybe caused their relationship to deteriorate. That is what resistance looks like. To submit fully with humility, is the precise opposite. To submit is paradoxically to empower yourself, to increase your husband’s self esteem and confidence, and to breath life into your marriage.

  23. Insanity,

    Thanks for answering this from a Christian wife’s point of view, and great answer by the way. I think you hit on a great point that Biblical submission has nothing to do with a woman being a doormat or having to condone or put up REAL abuse, as opposed to all the contrived abuse that some come up with. Proverbs 31 tells us of the virtuous wive “She openeth her mouth with wisdom; and in her tongue is the law of kindness.” – I understand that to mean that she speaks wisdom into her husband’s life, her children’s life and other women’s lives and she does so in a kind and loving way. This does not sound like a woman who is forbidden from saying what she thinks.

    On the abuse front my daughter knows she can always come to me if her husband every raised a hand to her. I teach my daughter that when she is married she is Biblically submit, but she is no man’s punching bag. I have taught her that she need to honest about her feelings and her opinions with her future husband. But the key is that she needs to share her thoughts respectfully, and that she needs to take “no” for an answer. If her husband hears her out and makes a different decision, she needs to accept that. That is Biblical submission.

    You are right about the woman in this story, and I wonder how much it would have softened her husband’s heart for her to drop her victim status?

  24. I know enough about Roman Catholicism to know that all extramarital, including premarital and postmarital (the divorced and the widowed), sexually exciting activity is declared to be sin.
    It is also prohibited to marry anyone who is not a Catholic unless they sign an agreement that any and all children of a Catholic, in your case wife, be raised Catholic. Marriage outside the Catholic Church is strongly discouraged.
    Catholics ignore these laws wholesale but as I understand it, by doing so they excommunicate themselves. That a priest is slack in upholding the canons (Church law) does not grant an indulgence to keep on violating any canons.
    According to the New Catholic Catechism in English, if a Catholic dies while excommunicated, she or he goes to hell. There are some exceptions, like diminished mental capacity, but generally if you die while habitually fornicating, you go to hell.
    Generally, published doctrines of denominations of Christendom, Catholic, Protestant or other, condemn sexual activity outside licit marriage.
    And, if anyone still cares, the Bible condemns sexual activity outside licit (recognized by God as valid) marriage.

  25. I am a husband with a wife who complains about this. I will give MY perspective.

    My wife went through the same thing. Sex has always been painful since our first pregnancy. I tried to be gentle, I tried to be patient, would wait MONTHS between sex. Even with my best efforts to make sex the best it could be given the circumstances, she would cry during it. For years I felt guilty, like I was raping her every time (even though she never refused).

    I tried to get her to talk about her sexual issues. All she would say is that she hates sex and wished we could never have sex again. I coaxed her into going to marriage counseling. She refused to go after four sessions, right when we started getting into our sexual relationship issues. I tried to get her to read a book called His Needs Her Needs. She read part of the first chapter and refused to read any more of it.

    I asked her to go to the doctor and have her hormones tested. I don’t know if she even actually went. She came home a couple of hours later and said her OB said she was just tired. I still think she lied and didn’t even go, but the doctor won’t tell me because of HIPPA laws.

    I even offered to stop having intercourse if she would just kiss and touch and give me at least some sexual contact. Things got better for about a month, but then she was back to her same old ways. I’m too tired, too sore, etc. Too tired and sore to lay in bed and kiss? How much effort does that take?

    I approached our pastor a few weeks ago and confided that I’m seriously tempted to separate from my wife. I just can’t take it anymore. I’m tired of the lack of sexual intimacy and feeling like the bad guy every time I want to have what should be a normal part of a healthy marriage.

    He told me to enroll in their marriage mentoring program. My wife surprised me by agreeing to do it.

    I’m not optimistic about it. It seems too similar to our marriage counseling failure. She will probably stop going once we start discussing sexual matters, just like she did before.

    So, for all the women out there complaining that their husbands make them have sex when they don’t want to, I would ask when was the last time you invited him to have sex when YOU wanted to? My wife has only done that three times in eight years. Does this sound like your marriage? If so, your husband is probably ready to give up on you like I am.

  26. I am a guy. 50yo. Married. 3 kids. Wife is 45. I am now filled with sadness and a almost constant feeling of abandonment / mild depression. She seems to have plenty of time to do all her good works and then too tired to be intimate.

    Yesterday was our wedding anniversary. Nothing. No intimacy. We went to bed. It was kiss once kiss twice and then she falls asleep. How the *&%$# do I feel. I feel insignificant. Useless. Unable to turn my wife on. Of no value or meaning or significance to her.

    I feel trapped. We have kids. I feel an obligation to stay so the kids have two parents. I guess one day I will force her to have sex and then of course all the cold lonely nights are forgotten. I will be labelled the rapist. She will be poor little victim.

  27. Andrew, I know exactly how you feel. Last November I planned a nice three day getaway for my wife and I for our seventh anniversary. It was our first time away as a couple without kids in years.

    We got to the hotel, spent the next couple of days doing stuff together and having a good time. Saturday evening came, and knowing that we were leaving in the morning to head home, I thought it would be an opportune time to enjoy sex together with no interruptions from the kids.

    You would have thought I tried to cut her arm off or something. She was livid with rage. She was irate that I wanted to spoil our nice weekend away by having sex and accused me of planning the whole trip just so I could get her alone and get some sex out of her.

    After waiting years for a chance to have some alone time as a couple, I decided I was never going to make that mistake again. I would be better off dousing myself with gasoline and playing with matches than I would be to plan any kind of special trips for us ever again.

    She thought it was utterly despicable that I would think sex appropriate on our anniversary. My attempt to initiate sex on our anniversary trip was akin to the highest form of treason in her mind.

  28. I don’t know if there’s any point in commenting or if anyone is still following this. I am all for following biblical roles and a wife’s submission to her husband. I was raised that way and I try to live my marriage that way. That being said, a big question here comes down to what the purpose of sex is. Your post seems to imply that the purpose of sex is for the husband and/or wife to get off. If that is the reason God created sex, just for physical sexual release, which is a common purpose in the animal world, then yes, a husband should be able to take what he wants at any time for any reason. If God created sex for the purpose of building intimacy, then the very act of taking it against someone’s will or taking it in spite of pain goes against the very purpose it was created for. Considering God commands us to save sex for marriage, He is more concerned with our holiness than with our physical need to get off. WhIle the wife in this situation should be doing whatever she can to fix this problem, the husband has already violated the very purpose of sex in marriage. Jesus talked constantly about serving one another and putting the needs of others above yourself. Neither spouse in this situation is doing this. He didn’t say to serve your wife unless your need to get off is too great and then take what you want. I have no doubt He would be very displeased with this husband’s treatment of his wife. Is it rape? Maybe not. Is it a violation of marriage, love, and sex and disrespect for God and this woman? Absolutely yes.

  29. Andrew,

    I hear your frustration and as a man I can completely understand it. For women a great deal of their self-esteem comes from their husbands words and acts of affection toward them. A normal woman has a desire to feel beautiful to her husband and desired by her husband. In the same way men have a desire to feel respected for their intelligence and achievements by their wives and also to be sexually desired by their wives. I say this to say that your feelings are normal and by the design of God.

    But what happens is sin leads to more sin. I know you did not say anything about respect, but in most of these cases of sexual denial the wife does not respect her husband or his needs. So what happens is when a wife does not respect her husband and his needs this leads to great frustration and resentment on the part of the husband toward his wife. So her sin leads to his sin. But we are all responsible for our own sin. Andrew – God would not be pleased if you forced yourself on your wife and I pray that you will never let her sin lead you to sin further.

    Have you spoken to your wife about this? Does she have any clue of the frustration you face on a daily basis or are you giving her whatever she wants and carrying on the relationship as if nothing is wrong?

    I know you have children and you feel an obligation to stay together for their sake. This is admirable on your part. But at the same time you must realize that your wife’s treatment of you will not set a good a example for them. You must confront her sin. I suggest you follow the steps I have outlined in these articles:

    https://biblicalgenderroles.com/2015/05/23/8-steps-to-confront-your-wifes-sexual-refusal/
    https://biblicalgenderroles.com/2015/10/03/7-ways-to-discipline-your-wife/

    You are sitting back as a helpless victim – Andrew you are not helpless. You are your wife’s God given authority. Use your authority as he has given you to try and help your wife be the woman God meant her to be. But in the end if she rebels against you and by extension against God then you should divorce her. Right now she sees no consequences for her sin, you must show her that there are consequences to sin.

  30. Angela,

    I do not believe the only purpose for sex is for couples to “get off”(get sexual relief). But you would be incorrect if you believe the only reason God made sex was to build intimacy between a couple. Intimacy is only one of the purposes for which God created sex. In addition to intimacy, another one of the reasons God made sex was in fact for husbands and wives to “get off” or experience pleasure and stress relief. So it is not an “either or” paradigm here but rather it is both.

    Here are the reasons God created sex:

    For Procreation
    For Unity (to bring a couple close together, but this unity may not always come before sex, but may come later as a result of sex).
    For visual pleasure
    For physical pleasure
    For relief of physical and emotional stress, to comfort one another
    Sacrifice & Submission – husbands are called to sacrifice themselves by giving their bodies to their wives when they need it, and wives are command to submit their bodies to their husbands as they need it.
    To bring us out of our comfort zone, to be able to love our spouse not as we would desire to be loved, but as they would desire to be loved(e.g. sexual preferences).

    I talk about this in more detail in my post https://biblicalgenderroles.com/2015/02/10/the-7-reasons-why-god-made-sex/

  31. Hi Angela, biblicalgenderroles & lasermetrologist,

    I guess the original topic of this thread was “Is my husband raping me” so obviously in that context there is an emphasis on “sex” of the intercourse kind. However for me the thing is I feel disrespected, un valued and so on. All pretty negative.

    For me I would much rather have intimacy than pure “sex” for sexes sake. In fact from time to time she provides sex. She will say put “it” inside her and then she will just lie there and I will have sex. I actually hate it. It’s cold. Detached.

    I would much prefer to abstain from sexual intercourse per se and in exchange have a connection of love and intimacy. A smile on her face when I get home, sitting together on the couch. Kissing, touching, flirting. I think back to the pre marriage relationship we had. Sex was not an option for us because of our Christian belief. Yet we would kiss and hug and touch and flirt. There was a connection through sexual tension. In a way there were rules about where I could touch and pushing those boundaries elicited a giggle and squirm but going past the boundary was communicated clearly. So I guess there is a fine edge to this. But now there is …..well nothing.

    In fact it seems that she does not even listen when I suggest that we abstain from intercourse and concentrate in intimacy.

    To pick up on a few things in the recent posts:-

    Sacrifice and submission – Yes she sacrifices her body for me to have ‘sex’ with but there is no submission. By that I mean it’s on her terms at her time and done out of resignation.

    lasermetrologist, sorry to hear that your weekend away was such crap. The resonance I feel has to do with the “its her way or no way” thing.

    Self esteem – she gets accolades for her good works from others- community & church people, her girlfriends etc. To be honest in recent years she would get some negative words from me and probably too many because of my feelings of frustration and underlying depression. It’s a slow death spiral. I think that book the 5 love languages is relevant here. Her love languages are “words of encouragement” and “acts of service” (just not to me of course 🙂 ) Mine are “physical touch” and “quality time”.

    Me the helpless victim – to a degree that’s true. I feel trapped. Responsibilities to my marriage vows and to the kids on the one hand. A fear of loneliness if I were to go. So a resignation to ongoing irrelevance.

    Kids do pick it up – just occasionally they will make comment. Pity she does not hear that. She thinks she is perfect or normal and that I am the abnormal / sick / depressed / person with too many needs.

    Anyway there we go for today. I feel a stack load better than on the day after our wedding anniversary. Nothings changed except my expectations are back at zero. Have a great day though.

  32. Hi Gerry,
    Actually there are plenty other things that are condemned by Catholic church other than extramarital sex, such as family planning / contraception and IVF (in vitro fertilization).
    I’ve been married for 2 months now.
    Here life is hard, not like in developed countries where the education is free and there’s social security system.
    So, I guess I and my husband will want to use contraception to plan our family (just wanting 2 kids, instead of letting God gives whatever amount of children He wants) .
    As for IVF, what if a couple already try other methods of conception and everything fails? If they really want to have children, sure they will have to try IVF.
    Personally, I think that if IVF is condemned by the Catholic church, I’d rather go to hell than living without kids all of my life.
    That said, I don’t follow all my church’s rules blindly. Church may have its own rules to condemn people, but I have the right to follow the rules or not.

  33. I don’t understand how some women are fed up having sex with their own husband (unless the husband has some crazy fetishes or has sadism preference).
    I’m not a good church follower (I don’t go to mass regularly, nor do all of my church’s rules).
    I’ve just been married for 2 months, so my experience is not much.
    But what I can tell is, if my husband asks sex in usual interval (once a day) it means he’s not playing around with other women, and it means I’m still desirable. If he asks more than usual, I should be happy coz it means I’m still the center of his sexual desire.
    Sex is not only for keeping the husband around us, but also to make him happy. I believe that God created marriage to make humans happy and complete each other. And when we are married, our husband/wife happiness should be the priority.

  34. I’m sorry you’re going through that, Andrew. It should not be that way. Have you tried marriage counseling?

    Franciscanesta, I understand the sentiment. But add a child or 3 and that usually when wives start to feel “touched out”. Like “please give me one hour with no one touching me.”

  35. @lasermetrologist,

    I know that this is probably way too far back, but has your wife ever explained to her OB/GYN that sex has been painful for her since the birth of your first child? That’s not normal or a good sign. She might’ve incurred internal injuries during her pregnancy or maybe some type of pregnancy-induced vaginismus. Also, has she gone to a doctor (not an OB/GYN) to figure out why she would be so tired all the time? If she does go and finds out that it’s not a physical problem, has she been screened for depression? I know that you’re in the midst of a tough battle because your wife doesn’t seem to be doing much to figure out why sex has become so painful and miserable to her, but the best way for you to get the enthusiastic sex from her that you want might be addressing these issues medically. Instead of proposing marriage counseling, insist that she discuss the pain that she’s feeling during vaginal penetration with her OB/GYN and PCP. Have her discuss her exhaustion with her PCP. Granted, a counselor might help persuade her that she should be working to figure out why she’s having these problems with sex, but the medical angle is probably your best bet.

  36. Did she say that she told them about the pain? I can’t believe that they’d just say, “Yeah, you’re just tired.” And if her OB/GYN did say that, she needs to go to someone else.

    Basically, I’m really sorry that you’re going through all of this and that your wife hasn’t done more to work out her issues. Was sex good before the first pregnancy? I’m sorry if I’m prying too much. It sounds like you’ve tried a lot, but your wife needs to be the one to take charge of her health here.

  37. Alex, this might sound preposterous, but she got pregnant on our wedding night. Having sex for the first time and getting pregnant for the first time both occurred simultaneously. To say that our first year of marriage was difficult is an understatement. Take all of the difficulties of adjusting to married life and throw in an instant pregnancy. It was the most stressful and insane time in our marriage.

    I have no pre-pregnancy sexual life to compare it to. We had both “saved ourselves” for marriage and had never been sexually active before. I have been tempted to resent my decision to stay pure until marriage, but I figure if I had some other prior experience to compare it to, if it was better than what we have now, I might be even more bitter and resentful.

  38. Lasermetrologist, that sounds even rougher than I thought. I sincerely hope and pray that your wife listens to counselors this time and agrees to work on improving your sex life and at least providing you with more intimacy. If she does have health problems or psychological problems, maybe this counselor will help her realize that she needs to confront those issues so that she can provide your marriage with the physical intimacy that it needs to be healthy.

    Have you told her that this is something that could give you biblical cause to end the marriage and that it’s definitely killing your affection for her? I don’t know if she’d care or not, but hearing that might make her realize that she really needs to do something about it. And even if she does need to get help from a sex therapist or a gynecologist to deal with the pain that she feels during sex, she can at least start trying to be physically intimate with you without engaging in vaginal penetration until she sorts out those issues.

    Also, do you much about what she thinks about sex in general? Did her upbringing make her think that it was dirty or that it was supposed to be painful and unenjoyable for women? Maybe if you know that, it could help your pastor counsel her more effectively.

    Again, sorry if I’m way off base here. I just have a lot of sympathy for your plight, and I hope that you find a solution.

  39. Vaginismus is a hard thing to go through. My ex-husband refused to do any kind of foreplay, I can’t count the amount of dry sex I had to endure. He was always overly offended to the fact, in the three years we were married, I never climaxed during sex. I believe my vaginismus was brought on by his attempt to have sex with me four days after giving birth. I was asleep and woke up with him trying to have his way with me. He yelled at me for refusing then said he “forgot” about the stitches. Six weeks later i physically was unable to have penetrive sex. Dont get me wrong, i was still doing sexual favors for him (he refused to ever return the favor for me. He would give me permission to finish myself off after sex because 3 minutes of effort was too long). I wouldnt have thought it was possible to be raped in marriage until one night 7 weeks post birth. I had agreed to try intercourse again, he roughed me up in his version of “foreplay”, ignoring my suggestions and even taking offense to them. When penetration started i was in instant agony an burst into tears. I told him i couldnt do it and tried to get up. Emediatly he slammed me down onto the bed, held me down, and forced me to have intercourse. I was in less pain giving birth; my screams were left unheard. He left bruises on my arms after he got up; I his under a blanket and cried. He then had the gall to ask if i had enjoyed myself. I call that rape, I had every intention of satisfying him with outercourse when i couldnt bare intercourse and he selfishly took what he wanted with no thought of what it could do to me. He divorced me a year later when I told him to quit smoking pot. I hate that there are so many women on here that have loving husbands yet they have no desire for sex. I had three years of abusive sex from an abusive man who only married me for the free sex. I feel like an idiot for falling for him. No one is going to want me now, who would want a wilted daisy when they could have a new rose?

  40. Victoria, that almost goes beyond mere rape. I personally would have called 911. One of my big hangups is being afraid of hurting my wife during sex; I can’t even fathom deliberately hurting her. The moment my wife expresses even a slight amount of discomfort I have a hard time continuing. It takes me a few minutes after she tells me it’s okay before I’m really back into it. I’ve even had a few times when I just couldn’t get hard again because of the anxiety of hurting her.

    Post-partum sex is always nerve wracking for me. We have had 4 children, and usually after a few months I start feeling brave enough to start asking for sex because I just can’t stand it any longer. But, when she finally says yes, I feel like I am having sex with tissue paper. I am so nervous about hurting her, and of course it is very uncomfortable for her so I am always convinced that I am hurting her. Even with the obvious discomfort she encourages me to keep going because I “need it”.

    We are expecting our 5th child in late July, and I am honestly dreading post-partum sex. I wish I could just turn off my sex drive for like a year.

  41. @Victoria What your husband did to you was indeed wrong, and abuse, for which you could divorce him since God allows it for such. However, since you were his wife, it wasn’t rape since rape is only if a man forces himself on a woman not his wife. Thats God’s definition of it the Bible. However, you need not feel sad and bad after he divorced you since he left you, not the other way around. Look to God for your comfort, and if you feel led by Him to marry another man, then do so. God will not lead you astray.

  42. @Victoria,

    I remember you posting about your problems in your marriage before on here. I remember being horrified that your husband was frustrated with your vaginismus and your lack of enthusiasm for sex but refused to do foreplay with you, even when you were willing to show him what got you turned on and got you off. I remember you talking about how he lost his job and was burning through the money that you were making, so much so that you didn’t always have three square meals a day while nursing. Now I realize that your situation is much worse than what you had initially described. I’m sorry that you had to go through so much with your husband, but I am happy that you’ve been delivered from that marriage. I’m sure that it’s tough on your own, but at least your now ex-husband isn’t draining your accounts. I hope that you have support from family and friends and that you’re recovering from your ordeal.

  43. @lasermetrologist I already answered that question in the comment you just replied to. Rape is when a man forces himself on a woman who isn’t his wife, a woman with whom he has no right to have sex. Thats the Bible, and therefore God’s definition of it, so Victoria wasn’t raped when her husband forced himself on her, though what he did was indeed abuse, and therefore still a sin. All there is to it.

  44. lasermetrologist,

    What Tyler said is correct that Biblically speaking it is IMPOSSIBLE for a man to rape his wife. Rape always had to do with a man forcing himself on someone who was not his wife. However it is not impossible for a man to abuse his wife in many ways and him forcing himself on his wife the way Victoria’s did would indeed be physical abuse.

    But now let me try and expand on what Tyler said and explain it more.

    If you were to kill someone depending on the context it could be right or wrong and even if it were wrong it might be a different type of wrong.

    Consider these scenarios:
    1. A man kills another man while that man is breaking into his home and assaulting his wife. Not only is this killing justified – but it was in fact the honorable thing to do.

    2. A solider plans out how he will kill another man. He get’s to a position with his sniper rifle and kills the man. If he has orders to kill this man and it is justifiable under the rules of war he has done a noble act and he has committed no crime.

    3. A man is driving his car, looks down for a moment and then looks up to see a pedestrian and hits him and kills him. Our society would classify this type of killing as manslaughter.

    4. A man has an heated argument with his neighbor – knocks him to ground where the man accidentally hits his head and dies. Our legal system would most likely classify this as man slaughter or second degree murder depending on if a jury thought there was any intent to kill. But there was no pre-mediation in the act.

    5. A man has an heated argument with his neighbor – goes home and plans out how he will kill his neighbor. In the middle of the night he goes and cuts his neighbor’s throat and make its look like a break in. This we would call premeditated murder.

    The point is that just as the Bible treats killing differently depending on the situation so too it treats a abusive situations differently depending on the context.

    There is absolutely NO comparison between a man forcing himself on a woman who is not his wife and a man forcing himself on a woman that is his wife. In the first the case the man had NO authority over that woman and he has stolen something that does not belong to him. In the second case a man has abused his authority and abused something that belongs to him. Therefore we must treat forceable sex by a husband differently than forceable sex by a man who is not a woman’s husband.

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