15 responses to “The undated wife”

1. 

   insanitybytes22

   August 19, 2015 at 2:07 am

   Hmm. I think I would suggest reading over at http://peacefulwife.com/
   She really has some good and practical articles for wives dealing with these issues.

   I empathize with this here. I think many wives have felt like this at times, “I just feel like all I am here for is to do his and his kids laundry, cook for them and drive them places, and of course have sex with him.”

   That is one way to perceive what is happening. Another way of looking at things is that he is dedicated to his children, dedicated to his role as provider, seeking to bless you with some future security and financial safety. What he is doing for his kids, for his job, may not feel as if they are acts of love towards you, but it sounds as if they may be. He also listens to you when you ask to go somewhere, to have a date, to go to counseling with a Pastor, these are all signs of husband who genuinely cares, he’s just uncertain about how to express it in a language you will understand.

   Ultimately however, I think wives have to realize that they are in charge of how they feel. When we say “we should be his number one,” there’s this hidden implication that it is his job to guess how we are feeling and to magically know how to fulfill those unmet needs we have, needs we may not even have fully identified ourselves.

2. 

   Dragonfly

   August 19, 2015 at 2:17 am

   Undated wife, I gave a response to you about your situation. After reading your comment, I decided I had so much to say, that it would be better organized into its own post. I truly hope you will be able to see your situation in a different light, and make the best of the marriage you are in. 🙂

   http://girlwithadragonflytattoo.com/2015/08/19/my-husband-isnt-being-romantic-enough/

3. 

   ChildofRa

   August 19, 2015 at 3:15 am

   So the husband is a good provider and father which is great. Now i think maybe when he comes home maybe dont spend some much time on the computer, if its work yeah get that done but if its not pertaining to work then come home and relax with your wife.

   Now as for the wife and this is coming from a nonbeliever single woman. She doesnt actually need all of that the weekend getaway and all that jazz to me that is just a bit much. Maybe if they went on a family vacation would be nice. Something that would keep the teens busy while mom and dad enjoyed some alone time but a what she is asking is just not possible. Also does she have a hobby cause that would help as well to keep her mind busy since she is a stay at home wife, like join a book club or learn a new language or crochet.

   A wife and husband is not going to be a ‘Bella & Edward’ 24/7 there are gonna be times when you both needs some space. I am not sure this will help given i lack martial experience but I do hope everything works out.

4. 

   The New(ish) Wife

   August 19, 2015 at 1:04 pm

   Reblogged this on and commented:
   Love this post. My husband and I had to have a LONG heart to heart about this about a year into our marriage. He didn’t understand how I could feel neglected when we were together every day. He didn’t realize after we got married, he stopped trying. It takes a lot out of you!

5. 

   biblicalgenderroles

   August 19, 2015 at 5:28 pm

   Insanity,

   I agree with what you said here – it really is all about perception. Seeing the glass as “half full” or “half empty”. I received an email from a man the other day complaining that his wife while never denying him, just sort of “phones it in” in the bedroom. He wants her to be more “sexy” and “wear lingerie” and do more things in that department. But I told him he needed to look at what God had blessed him with, a woman that takes care of his children, his home and never denies him sex. Some men would die just to have that.

   While we as men might wish our wives would be “sexier” in the bedroom, and wives must wish their husbands were more romantic or took them on more dates, we must learn to appreciate and be grateful for the things we do have, while still always striving to do those extra things that make marriage more enjoyable and fun.(like husbands doing romantic things, and wives being sexier in the bedroom).

6. 

   The Un-dated Wife |

   August 19, 2015 at 9:38 pm

   […] August 19, 2015 Not to be confused with OUT-dated.. I read this post over at Biblical Gender Roles , and it spoke to my heart in a way that few things can. When I read this, I got chills down my spine because I could relate to woman posting this: I’d been in her shoes, and felt the way she did. So, as hard as it might be, I just had to share this with you.   About a year into our marriage, my husband and I had become accustomed to our arguments and our bickering. We didn’t argue EVERY day, but about once a week we were at each other’s throats over one thing or another. While he was gone on one of his every-weekend hunts he had been going on for about 6 months, I realized that I was mad at him. I was dreading him coming home. Why? Because I was jealous. I was jealous of him being gone every Saturday from before dawn til mid-afternoon. I was jealous of his hobby.   Now, this may seem trivial, and you’re probably thinking “why don’t you just go with him?” or “why are you jealous? That’s stupid!” When you are on a tight budget, and husband is gone doing what he likes, and you’re broke, the only option is to sit at home 90% of the time; which is exactly what I did. And none of you really know my husband’s Hunting Zone, but when he’s in it, get out of his way. I did go a few times, and I learned that it was best if I stayed at home. Honestly, he probably prefers I did. Not because he doesn’t want me there, but because I don’t know what I’m doing when he runs off into the woods to the bay (hog hunting term for “Holy Crap, the dogs have the hog hemmed up in a corner, we have to get there now!”) and I’m standing in the woods alone or on the fourwheeler at 2am in the dark.. Yes…that really happened. I was left on a fourwheeler in the middle of a hunt-club at 2am in the dark. No…it hasn’t happened again. Again, the reason why I don’t go with him. After binge watching two seasons of Grey’s Anatomy in one day, and not moving off the couch for more than 5 hours, I saw an article online that said “BINGE WATCHING SHOWS COULD BE EVIDENCE OF DEPRESSION.”   I thought “Huh, well that sucks for those people!”, turned up the tv and proceeded to watch 4 more hours of Netflix before I realized that it didn’t just suck for them, I was doing the same thing. I had spent every weekend for the past year at home, alone, with my pug, on the couch, binge watching Netflix. When it hit me, I was angry. In my mind, my husband should be spending all of his free time with me! We should be going and doing things that married couples do, not me laying on the couch all day waiting for him to come trudging in the house and fall asleep in the recliner, which was his normal routine. I was frustrated and hurt and mad at myself for not realizing it sooner. ***PSSSSSST…..If you haven’t read my first post Hello World, now would be a good time to see what happens because of this…kind of like reading the end of the book to find out what happens…***   My hatred towards his hobby quickly became the sore-spot in multiple arguments. Me feeling neglected and second-best to hunting, him not understanding how I could feel that way when I saw him every day, me explaining to him that an every day situation is not the same as him putting effort into spending time with me, blah blah blah…   It took two years, a lot of fighting, and the night where I had my car packed and was headed to my mom’s house for him to finally understand: he needed to start dating his wife again. I didn’t need him to spend every dime on me, and I didn’t want him to completely stop doing what he loved. But women need affection. We need to know that we are loved and appreciated. Not necessarily just affirmation that we are doing a good job or anything like that, but we are emotional/feeling creatures, much more so than men are. Men don’t need a reminder we love them: they assume know since we married them, cook for them, clean up after them, and take care of them in general that we love them. I finally sat down and told my husband exactly what I needed from him: just a portion his time. Not his money, not his hobby, but a few hours set aside for us together as a couple, like we did when we were dating and loved spending time together. That night  was terrible, and there were a lot of tears and a lot of issues drug up and brought back to the surface, but that following weekend, we went out on the first date we’d been on in a long time.   We realized that yes, we are together A LOT. But, it’s our normal routine. We carpool to work together, we ride home together, we are together the majority of the day. But it’s a daily routine that everyone falls into. Yes, we do have separate hobbies, and since the realization that if I didn’t get out of the house I was going to gain another 50 pounds from my affair with Netflix, I have started doing things on my own more on Saturdays: and it’s helped me IMMENSELY. Just because we are together a lot does not mean that we have to stop dating each other. Before marriage, we put our best  self forward and did whatever we could to make each other happy. Why does that stop when we are married? In my opinion, it should never stop.    Reading this post from Biblical Gender Roles brought up a lot of less than desireable memories, but at the same time it brought up the good memories we’ve had. It made me realize really how far we’ve come since that moment, and how long it’s been since I’ve felt alone in my marriage. Yes, my husband still hunts on the weekend, but it’s not every weekend anymore. He takes time to spend with me, and I make time to spend with him. We try to enjoy each other more, and put our best self forward. Our marriage, by no means, is perfect. We have our good days and our bad. But for now, the good outweighs the bad ten-fold, and I believe we are working towards a brighter future together.   ***Check out the post called The Undated Wife here!*** “The Undated Wife” […]

7. 

   insanitybytes22

   August 20, 2015 at 12:00 am

   Biblical, something I didn’t mention earlier, that feeling, “I should be your number one, you’re spending more time with the kids than me,” is going to pop up in nearly all families. In step families it can be more challenging, but even in my own marriage where our kids live with us, that’s been an issue. When the kids were small, I’d spend all my time with them and neglect hubby. He was always good at reminding me that he has to come first because the kids will move out someday. As they got older however, he has sided much more with the kids than with me, which has undermined what little authority I may have had, especially when they were teens. They figured out very quickly when mom says no, ask dad. That’s an issue we still deal with today. One thing I’ve really had to do is let go and realize they’re his kids, too. Also, even though it sometimes feels as if he’s placing them before me, he’s probably not planning to trade me in 😉

8. 

   Mari

   August 20, 2015 at 12:19 am

   I think that the first thing you should consider is that your husband works as hard as he does so that he can provide for his family, which is an act of love in itself. Men and women express and receive love in very different ways and it is important to realize this before saying that he doesn’t prioritize you. I’m sure your husband doesn’t love working. He doesn’t love getting answering emails, taking phone calls, and sitting at a desk for hours when he could be relaxing at home with you. He does these things so that his wife can be healthy and happy.

   Secondly, I think it’s a tad unfair to expect your husband to be taking you out often when you’ve expressed that you’re having financial issues. Those things don’t change overnight and you have to be patient and supportive during this time, and not make him feel like less of a provider. Instead, maybe suggests dates that the two of you can do at home. For example, decorate the house with candles and make sure that the kids are out for the night. Cook a nice meal together. Date nights don’t have to be expensive to be meaningful. The important part is that the both of you are connecting by yourselves with no distractions.

9. 

   biblicalgenderroles

   August 20, 2015 at 1:51 am

   Insanity,

   First off all – thanks for revealing these “touching issues” in your marriage. If you look over on Dragonfly’s blog where she wrote her own post replying to this undated wife – I revealed that this really hit a nerve for me too from the perspective of the husband. I think in the case of this wife this is definitely one of those things we can see from both sides(the husband and the wife).

   We are in step kid situation too – my wife is a step mom to my kids and they are teens so it can be interesting sometimes. Thankfully she has a great relationship with them(even better than my ex does(their biological mom)). But she does feel many times like I take their side when I am not trying to, I just feel differently on some situations. However I do not put up with when they ask her something and she said no, and then they come to me to say yes. If they do that I say to them “If you would have said I asked step-mom and she said no, can you talk to her to find out why”, then I might consider that – “but since you did not tell me and went around her the answer is automatically no.”

   But there are sometimes when I have a different issue with my wife. She and I will talk about a decision we need to make(in private in our room) regarding the kids. They have no idea we discussed it. Sometimes we strongly disagree, and I have to tell her something like “Honey, ok we have hashed this out, I have heard you. I just don’t agree. So I am going to do [such and such] with the kids and I need you to accept my decision.” Sometimes my wife will accept and not saying anything to the kids, but many times if she feels strongly my decision is wrong she will tell them “I don’t agree with your father on this”. That burns me up. I try never to confront my wife in front of the kids, I try to do it in private out respect for her position.

   However I feel if she publicly disrespects my decision in front of the kids – I have to call her out on that disrespect and I do.

   I agree that the husband needs to make spending time with his wife a priority, and the wife needs make spending time with her husband a priority. What happens often is that men get so caught up(I am one of them) in our jobs and kids that which are good things – that we can forget to spend time with our wives. Women can sometimes get so caught in being moms, that they forget to be their husband’s lover.

   I think you and I would agree though – that we can’t look at this as a “either or” proposition. It is an “all of the above” proposition. That means we need to work, we need to spend time with our kids, we need serve in our churches or do other ministries(like Christian blogging) and we definitely need to spend time with out spouses.

   Now can we be too busy? Absolutely – I have had plenty of emails from men or women saying how their spouses spend all their time outside the home in various activities(even church activities) and there is no family time and no couple time – and that should never be the case.

   So it all comes down to one word – balance. And in life we will constantly be having to re-balancing things and that is why we need to be flexible with each other in our families and marriages.

10. 

    Levo

    August 20, 2015 at 8:52 am

    I have some thoughts, but I want to preface my comment (this is my first) by saying that I am a secular woman who tends to believe in what I think of as “traditional” masculine and feminine roles, and I find many of this author’s posts interesting and thought-provoking. That said, I’m aware that this site is centered around Biblical teachings and Scripture, since the advice requested was in that context, I want to make it clear that I’m not offering advice from a Biblical perspective, nor am I qualified to do so. This is simply my opinion based on my own life experiences.

    You want to feel special, wanted, like a priority in your husband’s life. All fairly reasonable and normal desires. I think a lot of people–women in particular–are quick to feel “wronged” (sometimes justifiably) but not so quick to actively work to make the situation better, instead waiting on their partners to swoop in with some grand gesture to fix it. You mention your husband coming home and getting on his laptop, responding to email, etc. You want him to pay attention to you. What are you doing in this moment? Sitting there pouting, hoping he’ll take the hint? I know you mentioned telling him you feel neglected…for most men this is a wildly abstract choices of words, men tend to view things much more linearly and look for clear and concise solutions. “Neglected” to a man does not mean one specific thing the way it does to you (needing romance and to feel like a priority). Even telling a man something like “I need more romance” is fairly vague, for them “romance” could be oral and sex and a beer (lol) so it’s best to be specific, yet not obnoxious about it. “I love when you surprise me with flowers”, “I miss when we used to spend Saturday mornings just lying in bed, cuddling and talking…can we do it again soon?” “It was so much fun when you took me to _________ for dinner, I felt like the luckiest girl in the world”…all recollections of specific events that he likely has positive mental associations with as well.

    From what I can tell, the criteria that you’ve given him is limited to “going out” and “going on weekend getaways” which I agree can be amazing, but he seems to be clearly telling you that your family is not in a financial position to do these things frequently right now, and since you mentioned cancelling a previous trip because of finances, him stating this doesn’t seem to be inconsistent or simply due to a lack of wanting to spend money on *you*. It is loving and masculine for a man to be responsible with money and plan for the future. This is a good quality. He’s expressed that frequent getaways aren’t feasible right now, so the onus is on you figure out other alternatives that would meet your needs. Try breaking it down and going from there…what is it you like about travel? The change of scenery? Learning about new cultures? Trying new foods? The bonding that comes from going on new adventures together? Whatever it is, there is likely a number of ways to experience it that aren’t as costly, and it’s up to you to be creative and figure it out because HE’S NOT GOING TO. He will probably be happy to oblige, but he’s not likely to randomly show up one day with a white horse and a picnic basket filled with all your favorite foods to take you for a sunset ride on the beach.

    If you want him to pay attention to you when he gets off work, initiate intimate contact with him. While he’s checking his email, stand behind him, rub his shoulders and ask about his day. He may want to talk about it, he may not, he will probably ask you about your day….setting the tone for affectionate, free-flowing conversation is a lot more effective than simply telling him you want him to talk to you more. He sounds like a decent guy and nothing that you described seems insurmountable or indicative of poor character on his part. As for his kids, they aren’t there all the time and he should spend time with them as much as possible when they are. If you feel left out you could try…I don’t know…joining them? Spending time together as a *family* with children, which is exactly what you are. Being jealous and standoffish because he’s spending time with his kids honestly sounds really bratty and would really annoy me if I were him.

    You sound like you have a great life with a good man, be an adult, take responsibility for getting your needs met, and don’t attempt to make things into bigger problems than they need to be.

11. 

    biblicalgenderroles

    August 20, 2015 at 1:58 pm

    Levo,

    For a “secular woman” you really gave some “Biblical advice”. I wish more wives had the common sense thinking about their husbands that you have stated in your opinion here. Men can be guilty of this too(just expecting their wives to do certain things without asking). For I have had many men email with frustrations about “why has my wife not worn lingerie in forever, or why has she not done this or that in bed in forever”. My response is always “Have you asked in a nice way? Have you told how great it was the last time she did such and such and you really love that? Have you made any romantic gestures toward her lately? Perhaps some flowers?”

    But having said that – from my experience and listening to all the emails and comments I receive it is more often women than men are expecting their husband do as you say and come in on the white horse to take them on away on some magical adventure. Many Women are constantly testing their husbands(whether they consciously realize it or not) and often times the husband is failing tests he never knew he was taking. I love it when my wife just suggests things she wants to do – most of the time I will make it happen(if we can financially afford it). My first wife expected me to read her mind and it drove me nuts.

    It is interesting that you brought up the issue of being jealous and have you ever thought of “joining them”? I live in similar situation where my wife is a step mom with no kids of her own(that is why this story really touch a nerve with me) and she does not like doing some of the things my teen boys and my daughter like to do. If we watch a movie(like a scary or war movie) she is off to our bedroom to watch her shows. She is not really a board game person, so if we are playing a board game she does not join in. Now she does like sports like baseball, so if there is a game on and we are watching that she will stick around. But I have told her that if she really wants to feel included then she would have to acquire a taste for doing some of the things my kids and I like to do – like watching scary movies, watching sci fi and war movies, playing PS4.

    Ladies – as Levo says here – be clear with your husbands(not demanding), but clear on things your would like him to do with you. Also be realistic – if you are broke don’t ask for a trip to Hawaii. It may just have to be a romantic evening at home with the kids staying at the grandparents. Great advice Levo.

12. 

    Maea

    August 22, 2015 at 5:57 am

    This situation is sad because the wife’s attitude is also akin to that of an attention-starved child’s: she wants to know she is more than just “there,” and wants to be acknowledged that she has a significant place in her husband’s life. It’s validation, something all wives want from time to time.

    I don’t think the wife is going to be satisfied with a getaway or a vacation. She wants to be engaged with her husband and the lack of engagement (from what we know) is the root of the problem. I mean, it’s not realistic to expect a vacation will fix the lack of connection when the weekend is over and they go back to real life.

    I hope this wife looks at the advice here and takes it seriously because much of it was good and well-reasoned.

13. 

    Ciara

    September 6, 2015 at 7:27 pm

    I haven’t had the chance to go through all of your posts yet. Have you done the actual Biblical response to this yet? I find it interesting that the one post where women are asking for love, romance, and respect, you have nothing to say? I was looking forward to the scriptures you would list to back up the reasons why the husband should or should not date his wife after marriage and continue to make her feel like a desirable,

14. 

    Ciara

    September 6, 2015 at 7:36 pm

    Sorry, my comment sent before I was finished because my puppy jumped on my face.

    …desirable, beautiful, priority. Should the husband’s priority be God, his wife, his children etc.? I ask because I young, single, never married and 5 years ago I dated an abusive non Christian for 2 years. I’m only just now ready to think about finding my Christian husband. This is all very interesting. I never want to end up in a relationship where I am unappreciated and overlooked and abused again. Another question is, how do I look for signs of these things in men before I get married? Neglectful, abusive, controlling, etc..

15. 

    biblicalgenderroles

    September 11, 2015 at 12:14 am

    Ciara,

    Just wanted to let you know I have not forgotten you – a response to “theundated wife” is in the works. I just have a few other things in the pipeline that need to go out first.

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