Can You Follow the Courtship Model Without the Support of Christian Parents?

While Christian churches and civil governments have usurped authority over marriage for many centuries, the fact is God did not give either of these spheres any authority over people entering into marriage.  You will not find one passage of the Scriptures granting authority over marriage to either civil or church leaders. Not one.

You will however, find passages like the Exodus 22:16-17, giving fathers authority over their daughters in marriage:

“16 And if a man entice a maid that is not betrothed, and lie with her, he shall surely endow her to be his wife. 17 If her father utterly refuse to give her unto him, he shall pay money according to the dowry of virgins.”

Exodus 22:16-17 proves that God gave authority over marriage not to the civil government or the Church but to the family, and specifically to fathers.

God instituted the family as his first human authority structure.  And he never ever took away any authority he gave to husbands and fathers when he later instituted the spheres of civil government and church government.

While the Bible does not require men to have the approval of their parents for marriage the Scriptures do tell sons this regarding their parents:

“My son, hear the instruction of thy father, and forsake not the law of thy mother”

Proverbs 1:8 (KJV)

“A wise son maketh a glad father: but a foolish man despiseth his mother.”

Proverbs 15:20 (KJV)

“Hearken unto thy father that begat thee, and despise not thy mother when she is old.”

Proverbs 23:22 (KJV)

So, I think it is Biblical to say that men should also seek the advice of their parents in seeking the spouse God has for them in the courtship process.

My point thus far in all the Scriptures I have shown is this.  God meant for the courtship process to be a family affair on both sides.  He wants the parents of the man and woman who are courting to be on the same page and comparing notes about their children.  This is not just a man and woman coming together in marriage, but it is also two families coming together.

Sin Sometimes Poisons the Courtship Process

Sin has infected every part of this world.  It has infected our bodies and natures as individuals.  It has also infected God’s institutions of marriage, family, civil government and even his institution of the Church.  Husbands physically abuse or abandon their wives.  Parents sometimes horribly abuse their children through physical abuse or neglect.  Civil authorities abuse their God given power, usurp authority over areas God did not give them and violate the natural property rights of individuals.  And church authorities are no less guilty of allowing sin to run rampant and abandoning the Word of God.

So, there will be times when a young person will not have the support in the courtship process God meant for them to have from their parents.

What happened with my grandparents is a prime example.

My paternal grandmother came from a home where her mother did not have a normal relationship with her children.  She was one of three children.  She had two brothers.  My paternal great grandmother was the matriarch of her family.   Her husband did whatever she said without question.

While it is not unheard of for wives to dominate their husbands and children (although it is sinful for them to do so) it is rare for a parent to forbid their children from ever marrying. That is what my paternal great grandmother did with her three children.  She expressly forbade them from seeking out marriage and insisted that her three children live with her and their father for the remainder of their lives.

She made her children feel that if they loved anyone other than her, their father or their siblings that they would be betraying their family in doing so.

We know when looking at the Bible that such parenting is against God’s design. God gave this command to parents regarding their children:

“Take ye wives, and beget sons and daughters; and take wives for your sons, and give your daughters to husbands, that they may bear sons and daughters; that ye may be increased there, and not diminished.”

Jeremiah 29:6 (KJV)

And this command from Jeremiah is based on God’s first command to mankind when he created man and woman:

“And God blessed them, and God said unto them, Be fruitful, and multiply, and replenish the earth, and subdue it: and have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air, and over every living thing that moveth upon the earth.”

Genesis 1:28 (KJV)

Well you can probably guess that my grandmother went against her mother’s wishes for her to remain unmarried and live with her mother for life, else I would not be here.

Unfortunately, her brothers did not seek out marriage and they remained with their mother for the remainder of her life.  One son died in his thirties before his mother died and the other died single many decades after his mother died.  It is interesting to note that while these men never married they were both extremely sexually immoral and had sex with many women.  But they hid it from their mother, never brought any of these women home and never married so they kept their mother happy.

My grandmother was the polar opposite of her brothers.  She was not a loose girl.  She was a strong believing Catholic and she believed sex was strictly reserved for marriage.

No, my grandmother and grandfather did not court. This new “dating” thing was all the rage and that is what my grandparents did.  They dated in secret in the mid 1930’s a little more than a decade after woman’s suffrage was passed.

And just as I have warned people here about dating, my grandfather was trying to entice my grandmother into premarital sex while they were secretly dating.  But my grandmother held to her Christian faith and she insisted that my grandfather convert to Catholicism and marry her before he could have sex with her.

My grandmother not only insisted that they be married first before sex, but that they also be married by a Catholic priest.  They could not go to her Catholic church as her priest would have told her parents.  So they went further away from where she lived to a different Catholic church and even used different names and were married by the priest under different names as the church would report the marriage to local newspapers.

My father told me that when his father died when he was eleven his mother had a horrible time getting social security because her and my grandfathers’s names did not match on the wedding certificate.  She had to prove through the birth records of my father and his three older siblings and other church records that they had in fact married and she finally got her social security.

After they were married my grandmother let my grandfather start having sex with her but no one knew they were married.  She stayed with her mother and would secretly meet with my grandfather.  She asked my grandfather for time to break the news to her mother as she was still scared to death of her mother.  Eventually my grandmother and grandfather were overheard on a party line (people shared phone lines with their neighbors back then) and the secret was out and she left to live my grandfather as husband and wife.

Did my grandmother do everything right? No.  She dated a non-Christian man (He was actually raised Mormon). Also she did not immediately move in with her husband after they consummated their marriage.

But from a Biblical perspective, my grandmother was not sinning by seeking out a husband in direct disobedience to her mother.

Her father and mother were derelict in their duty as parents to encourage their children to marry and prepare them for marriage.   It would have been disobedience on my grandmother’s part to God’s marriage mandate if she did not seek marriage unless God had providentially call her to a life of celibacy in his service.

Conclusion

God’s ideal is that the seeking out of one’s spouse should be family affair. The courtship model reflects God’s ideal.  Ideally a man should seek out the approval and permission of a woman’s father to court her.  And ideally a woman should follow her father’s advice in whom she marries.  She sould seek out his blessing and approval.  But due to sin’s corruption in this world not everyone can fully follow all the aspects of the courtship model.

Father’s die leaving fatherless daughters.  Fathers or mothers refuse to allow their children to marry.  Some parents may not discourage their children from marriage, but they refuse to participate in the courtship process.

So, what is a young person to do in these situations where parents are derelict in their duties in the courtship process?  The answer is that you are only responsible for your own behavior.  You are not responsible for your parent’s bad behavior.

That means if you have no father or mother or you have parents but they want nothing to do with the courtship process then you do what you can.

As a man that means even if your parents think otherwise – you do not court until you are financially prepared to provide for a family.  And when you do court, you never allow yourself to be alone with the women you court.  If her father wants to participate in the courtship process then ask his permission.  And ask for his wisdom in knowing and understanding his daughter.  Guard your heart and keep physical and emotional intimacy for marriage.  Yes, it will be harder without parents to support you, but you can still do it with God’s strength and help.  It is a vast understatement that this entire courtship process, with or without parental participation, should be bathed in prayer.

As a woman that means when you are an adult even if you have parents that were derelict in their duty like my maternal grandparents you should seek out marriage.  It will be a must greater challenge for you as a woman than it is for a man as it was for my grandmother.  But you still need to have high standards.  Don’t just look for the first man who comes along.  Pray hard as you seek the man God would have for you.  It is sad that you as a woman are in this position, but you are here.

In a way this is similar to when a woman’s husband dies. A widow is the position of having to lead her children and provide for them as her husband did.  She has to carry a load God never designed women to carry.  But death in this world occurs because of sin in this world.

So, what does a widow have to do? She has to go out and get a job to support herself and her children.  In the same way if a young woman has parents who are sinning against God’s calling for parents to encourage and prepare their children for marriage then she should attempt to get a job and then leave their home.  Another option would be for her to move out of her parent’s house as an adult and move in with another Christian family.  Perhaps she can even see if another Christian father will stand in as her spiritual father and help her in the courtship process.

I do think though that Christian young men and women as a general rule should commit to honoring the wishes of the woman’s father in courtship.  Yes there will be exceptions like the one I have painted here and others.  But whenever possible, the father’s wishes regarding his daughter should be honored – especially if he is a Christian man who is fully engaged in helping his daughter to find the man God has for her.

Update 9/30/2018 – I let my Dad read this since a I published this a few days ago and he wanted to me to correct and add a few details of his mother and father’s dating and marriage story.  My great grandmother did not know about her two son’s whoring around – only my grandmother(their sister) knew.  Also I did not know the details of how they were married whether by a judge or a priest.  They were married by a priest at my grandmother’s insistence but they went to a different Catholic church than my grandmother attended regularly and they change their names so when the wedding announcements went out to news papers. 

Why does God make some women with a genius level IQ if he wants all women to be homemakers?

“I am a neurosurgeon with three kids. With my first child, I thought that I would give staying home a chance. I hated it. For five years, I was miserable. I am not a homemaker or a cooker or a nurturer. Our child was not happy, and my partner and I were not happy. I went back to work and took only six weeks off after the birth of my other two children, and our life has been amazing. I have an IQ of 158. I need to use my brain. In addition, I have firsthand experience about what it is like to be a child and mother on both sides of the fence.” This was part of a story I received from a woman who calls herself Jess.

At the end of her comments she asked me a simple question in light of the Bible passages I have presented showing that God made women to be helpmeets to men, bearers and caregivers to the children and the keeper of the home.  Her question was “How do you explain me?”

Before I give my response to Jess and to the larger question of the existence of female geniuses in light of the role that God has given women in being wives, mothers and homemakers I want to share Jess’s complete story (as much as she shared that is).

Jess’s Story

“When I was a child, my mother did everything mentioned in this article, yet I hated my childhood. Kids need to be away from their parents. I asked my parents if they could back off. They agreed. After school, I went to a free child-care provider. I did not get any help with my homework. I spent at most 2 hours with my family a day. Guess what happened? I became emotionally stable. I became happy. My grades improved. I loved my life. That went on until I left home at 18.

Today, I am a neurosurgeon with three kids. With my first child, I thought that I would give staying home a chance. I hated it. For five years, I was miserable. I am not a homemaker or a cooker or a nurturer. Our child was not happy, and my partner and I were not happy. I went back to work and took only six weeks off after the birth of my other two children, and our life has been amazing.

I have an IQ of 158. I need to use my brain. In addition, I have firsthand experience about what it is like to be a child and mother on both sides of the fence.

I am a women and I:

Have no emotional intelligence. My husband says that I am about as emotional as a brick wall.

Don’t have soft hands, they are really very rough and scratchy.

I take risks all the time. I am a rock climber and I love paragliding and bungee jumping.

I have a body fat percentage lower than the average male, and I have basically no curves. I have barely any fat in my breasts, it’s mostly pecs.

I have a very hard time dealing with children.

How do you explain me?”

My Response to Jess and other highly intelligent or genius level women

You sound like a very intelligent woman and with an IQ of 158 that puts you just a couple points shy of Stephen Hawking. I do not deny the existence of high IQ women like you and I have talked about it on my site in several posts.

These are the facts about genius level IQ distribution by gender:

“For instance, at the near-genius level (an IQ of 145), brilliant men outnumber brilliant women by 8 to one. That’s statistics, not sexism…

Of course, in normal daily life, there’s not much real difference between a man with an IQ of 105 and a woman with an IQ of 100. The real difference only emerges as we rise up the IQ scale to the sort of level that the really top jobs require and as we drop lower down the scale – because men, as it turns out, have a much wider range of intelligence than women.

As a result, there are not only far more men with high IQs than there are women, but there are also, as I’m sure any woman would tell you, far more stupid men around than there are stupid women.”

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/debate/article-1274952/Men-ARE-brainy-women-says-scientist-Professor-Richard-Lynn.html#ixzz46QZ2qDGm

So the fact is that that men have a much broader range of IQs than women meaning there are more stupid men that stupid women – a fact that most feminists love to shout.  But on the other end of the spectrum there are more highly intelligent men than highly intelligent women and this is a fact that feminists fight to hide.  Often it is explained away as nothing more than cultural influences rather than a biological fact.

This also explains why men occupy roughly 75 percent of STEM jobs.

So how should we as Bible believing Christians respond to women that occupy that 1 out of 9 genius level spot?

If the Bible is a made up book of fables then you can just live your life as you please and when you die you will just fade away.

But if the Bible is the Word of God then that means each and every one of us has a soul that will live on after our body has died. It also means that one day each of us will stand and give an account for how we have lived our lives. If God’s Word is true then we must measure our daily and long term life decisions and actions by the Bible.

I don’t know if you are a Christian or not but if a young Christian woman came to me with your story and she wanted to live her life by the Bible believing she would one day stand before God and give an account of her life I would give her the following admonitions.

The Bible says that the presence of sin in the world has corrupted everything including our bodies even as we are formed in our mother’s womb.

 “Behold, I was shapen in iniquity; and in sin did my mother conceive me.” – Psalm 51:5 (KJV)

“So also is the resurrection of the dead. It is sown in corruption; it is raised in incorruption:” – I Corinthians 15:42 (KJV)

So anything in us whether it be our physical characteristics, our mental characteristics, our attitudes, our likes, our dislikes or our desires that do not measure up to God’s standards and expectations for our lives are to be regarded as defects caused by the corruption of sin in this world. These are things that we must overcome to bring our life into compliance with God’s will for our lives.

Now am I saying being smart is a defect because you are woman? No.

But an intelligent woman can use her intelligence in many ways.  An intelligent woman can write books from her home, write a blog, teach women’s Bible classes, teach and home school her children and when her children are grown and gone perhaps help other women in teaching their children. In some cases a woman may be able to run some type of small business out of her home if she has the intelligence, energy and will to do so.

The Bible does not say that women are only allowed to cook, clean the house, do laundry and care for children and the needs of the husband.  But what it does say is that these things are the primary mission of a woman and if she fails at these things a woman fails at her most important mission in this life.

The purpose for which God made women and the mission he has given to them

The Scriptures show us in these passages the reason for which he made women and their primary mission in life by which a woman will be considered a success or a failure in God’s eyes:

“And the Lord God said, It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him.” – Genesis 2:18 (KJV)

“Neither was the man created for the woman; but the woman for the man.” – I Corinthians 11:9 (KJV)

“The heart of her husband doth safely trust in her, so that he shall have no need of spoil.” – Proverbs 31:11 (KJV)

“I will therefore that the younger women marry, bear children, guide the house, give none occasion to the adversary to speak reproachfully.” – I Timothy 5:14 (KJV)

“That they may teach the young women to be sober, to love their husbands, to love their children, To be discreet, chaste, keepers at home, good, obedient to their own husbands, that the word of God be not blasphemed.” – Titus 2:4-5 (KJV)

“She looketh well to the ways of her household, and eateth not the bread of idleness.” – Proverbs 31:27 (KJV)

God’s mission for woman is to serve the needs of her husband, bear and care for his children and care for the domestic needs of his home. 

The women who get an exemption from this mission are those who are called to a life of celibacy in service to God or are in some way providentially hindered from either finding a husband or having children.

Questions and observations I have based on your story

I would also say to a Christian woman who had your childhood experiences – “what caused you to hate your childhood so much and being around your parents so much?“ This is not normal social behavior for a child.

I realize you tried the homemaker role (which I commend you for) but I can guess why your child and your husband were not happy.  It was because you were not happy.  If you find things like cooking, nurturing and caring for your home and children on a daily basis to be a drudgery and waste of your abilities then of course it will show and then cause others in your home to be unhappy because you are constantly displaying unhappiness.

You say your life has been “amazing” but I doubt your children especially when they were younger thought it was so “amazing” not to have their mom around as much as they needed her.   No six week old baby goes “yeah my mom is leaving me and giving me some alone time”.  Children at this age desperately need their mothers 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.

Yes children will adjust as they get older to not having their mother around but that does not make it good for them.  Some children in the most horrible of situations still turn out good sometimes in spite of their mothers or fathers not being as involved in their lives as they should have been.

What about your emotional and physical features?

If a Christian woman told me she had no emotional intelligence and had a hard time dealing with children I would tell her the same thing I tell women who say they simply don’t have a desire for sex with their husbands.  You need to cultivate a desire for these things and ask God to put these things in your heart and remove any desires in your heart that are contrary to his design for your life.

“Search me, O God, and know my heart: try me, and know my thoughts: And see if there be any wicked way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.” – Psalm 139:23-24 (KJV)

“A new heart also will I give you, and a new spirit will I put within you: and I will take away the stony heart out of your flesh, and I will give you an heart of flesh.” – Ezekiel 36:26 (KJV)

On the issue of you having a manlier shaped and muscular body and rough hands – this is because of how you have chosen to live your life. It is good for a woman to be healthy and in shape and I am not saying anything against that.  But women are designed to have more fat then men and fat is what actually helps to give women some curves and softness to their body.  I am sure if you were to work out less and allow your body to have some of that natural fat that women are meant to have you would have a much more feminine appearance.

Now are there some women that don’t work out at all that still have muscular bodies? Sure. And if that is the case than this is the body God has given you and you will need to work with it. But in the vast majority of the cases where women have pectoral muscles as opposed to breasts it is because they are working out and exercising too much.

Conclusion

In the Bible there is something mentioned called “strife” or in newer translations it is called “selfish ambition”.

“For where you have envy and selfish ambition, there you find disorder and every evil practice.” – James 3:16 (NIV)

God is not against women being ambitious. The Proverbs 31 wife was certainly an ambitious woman.  What God is against is selfish ambition. Selfish ambition is when a man or a woman are ambitious for something that God did not intend them to have.

God intended for you to marry a man and then serve him with all your heart to the very best of your ability. God intended for you to have children (if you are not barren) and to care for those children.  God intended for you to care for your home and make it a haven for your husband and your children.  This is not meant to be a life of drudgery but a life of honor and service.

The reason we have such disorder in our society today is because over the last century men have abandoned their authority over women and as a result women were allowed to abandon the role for which God made them in his creation. Women became envious of men and followed their selfish ambitions and this is why in the last century we have seen the highest divorce rates in the history of mankind and even the concept of marriage itself is being rejected in favor of people just living with another.

One of the many casualties of this selfish culture is our young infants and smaller children who cry in terror as they watch their mothers go off to live their “amazing” lives as they pursue their career interests outside the home.

7 Steps for Christian parents to confront transgender and homosexual desires in their teenagers

“My daughter is 15 years old and told her counselor that she is having gender identity issues. She says she is a boy in a girl’s body. She knows her father and I believe what the Bible says and that we are not going to allow her to identify as a male. She recently told her teen counselor that she is depressed and had thought about suicide but does not intend to act on those thoughts. What do I do?”

I received this cry for help from a heart broken Christian mother. The issue of transgenderism as well as homosexuality has become front and center in American culture since the Supreme Court recently granted homosexuals the right to marry.  This has now opened the door for court battles regarding transgenderism.

What is the difference between homosexuality, bisexuality and transgenderism?

Homosexuality and Bisexuality refer to a person’s sexual orientation.

If a person has homosexual tendencies this means they are only attracted to people of the same sex. Some people have bisexual tendencies meaning they are attracted to both male and females and could carry on relationships with either sex.

Transgenderism has to do with what gender a person identifies themselves with as opposed to what gender they are attracted to.  Not all transgender people are homosexual or bisexual but many are. Conversely, just because a person has homosexual tendencies does not mean they want to be a different gender.

What does the Bible say about transgenderism?

The Bible clearly condemns transgenderism as a sin against God. Men must live and appear as men and women must live and appear as women.

“The woman shall not wear that which pertaineth unto a man, neither shall a man put on a woman’s garment: for all that do so are abomination unto the Lord thy God.” – Deuteronomy 22:5(KJV)

In many ways transgenderism is even more difficult to deal with as a parent or loved one than homosexuality.  Homosexuality can be hidden. Transgenderism cannot be. If someone is transgender and they practice it at all it is like holding up a sign to the world “something is wrong with me”.

In the vast majority of cases even if a person with a sexual identity disorder has sex change surgery(or what they now are calling “gender confirmation surgery”) you can still sense their true sex. Just because you put breasts on a man does not make him look like a woman. If you remove a woman’s breasts it will not take away the curves of her hips or the feminine features of her face.

What does the Bible say about homosexuality?

The Bible clearly condemns the gay and lesbian lifestyles as a sin against God. Men are not to engage in sexual relations with men nor are women to engage in sexual relations with women:

“Thou shalt not lie with mankind, as with womankind: it is abomination.” – Leviticus 18:22 (KJV)

“22 Professing themselves to be wise, they became fools,

23 And changed the glory of the uncorruptible God into an image made like to corruptible man, and to birds, and fourfooted beasts, and creeping things.

24 Wherefore God also gave them up to uncleanness through the lusts of their own hearts, to dishonour their own bodies between themselves:

25 Who changed the truth of God into a lie, and worshipped and served the creature more than the Creator, who is blessed for ever. Amen.

26 For this cause God gave them up unto vile affections: for even their women did change the natural use into that which is against nature:

27 And likewise also the men, leaving the natural use of the woman, burned in their lust one toward another; men with men working that which is unseemly, and receiving in themselves that recompence of their error which was meet.

28 And even as they did not like to retain God in their knowledge, God gave them over to a reprobate mind, to do those things which are not convenient;

29 Being filled with all unrighteousness, fornication, wickedness, covetousness, maliciousness; full of envy, murder, debate, deceit, malignity; whisperers,

30 Backbiters, haters of God, despiteful, proud, boasters, inventors of evil things, disobedient to parents,

31 Without understanding, covenantbreakers, without natural affection, implacable, unmerciful:

32 Who knowing the judgment of God, that they which commit such things are worthy of death, not only do the same, but have pleasure in them that do them.” – Romans 1:22-32 (KJV)

This issue of transgenderism and homosexuality is not a gray area in the Christian faith.

God calls it an abomination for a person to either dress like the opposite sex (transgenderism) or engage in sex with the one’s same gender (homosexuality).

We are living in an age when our culture thinks they are don’t need God anymore.  Our modern culture is now wiser than the God of some “old dusty book” as I often hear them tell me in emails.  But God says they have become fools.

Transgenderism – the next assault on God’s Word and religious liberty

The Supreme Court’s decision to grant the right of gay marriage in June of 2015 has opened the flood gates to assaults on religious liberty. Transgenderism is the next major battle in that assault.

For example, Michigan is one of many states considering granting new transgender rights to students in schools.

“Michigan’s State Board of Education has drafted a guidance that would push the state’s schools to allow all students, regardless of parental or doctoral input, to choose their gender, name, pronouns, and bathrooms…

“The responsibility for determining a student’s gender identity rests with the student. Outside confirmation from medical or mental health professionals, or documentation of legal changes, is not needed,” the guidance states…

The guidance informs schools that “Students should be allowed to use the restroom in accordance with their gender identity.”…

Locker rooms also should become inclusive of students’ many gender identities. “A student should not be required to use a locker room that is incongruent with their gender identity,” the guidance states… “Locker room usage should be determined on a case-by-case basis, using the guiding principles of safety and honoring the student’s gender identity and expression.”

http://dailycaller.com/2016/03/21/michigan-schools-to-let-students-choose-gender-name-and-bathroom/

This is the insanity and wickedness that we now face as a nation.

Now that we have identified transgenderism and homosexuality as abominations before God and we have also shown the reality of this threat to our culture we will now bring this back to Christian parents facing this issue.

This issue hits close to home for me

My brother is a practicing homosexual. He has a partner that he has been with for many years. In many ways my brother is one of the most decent men you would ever meet.  He is kind and generous to those around him. He has a very empathetic nature.

About 20 years ago when my brother first revealed he was a homosexual I faced a range of emotions from anger to hurt. My parents did as well. We were raised together in conservative Baptist churches and we knew the Word of God. My brother left the church and Christianity completely when he realized the faith he was raised in was incompatible with his homosexual lifestyle.  Later God revealed to me that I needed to stop shunning my brother and instead show him the love of Christ.

In my defense though – it was not all me. My brother was pretty belligerent there for a while throwing his lifestyle in our face and mocking and ridiculing our Christian faith.  So there was a time when I felt separation from him was justified. But over many years he came to act more respectful toward mine and my parent’s faith and we have learned to be able to have peaceful times with each other at various family gatherings.

I love my brother very much. There is no contradiction between the fact that I love my brother yet I hate the sin of homosexuality that he lives in. This is something that is very hard for many Christians to accept as well as homosexuals.

Homosexuals might ask “How can you love me but not accept my homosexuality?” and transgender’s might ask “How can you love me but not accept my gender change?” These kinds of questions are asked by many homosexual and transgender people to their Christian loved ones all the time.

The fact is we can love our homosexual and transgender relatives, coworkers and neighbors because this is how God loves us.  We love the sinner and hate the sin.

“But God commendeth his love toward us, in that, while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us.” – Romans 5:8 (KJV)

God loved us “while we were yet sinners” and that means we can love people who are homosexuals or transgender while they are yet sinners.

But I have never allowed my brother to cause me to compromise my faith.  He knows I would never attend a gay wedding if he and his partner had one and invited us. I will never tell him that I accept and approve of his homosexual lifestyle. I have taught my children since they were young that what their uncle is doing is a grave sin before God. My brother also knows I will not back away from endorsing political movements that will protect religious liberty for Christians in opposing homosexuality and transgenderism.

Now we will discuss ways that parents can confront transgenderism and homosexuality with their teenagers.

7 Steps for Christian parents to confront transgenderism and homosexuality in their teenagers

So you have just found out from your teenager that they are struggling with transgender tendencies or homosexual tendencies. Here are steps as a Christian parent that you should take.

Step 1 – Acknowledge your hurt and disappointment

The Lord is nigh unto them that are of a broken heart; and saveth such as be of a contrite spirit.” – Psalm 34:17 (KJV)

You cannot deny or suppress your hurt in this moment. You need to let it out. Cry out to God.  You need to cry.  You need to seek out the support of your Pastor and other close Christian friends.

Step 2 – Speak the truth in love

“14 That we henceforth be no more children, tossed to and fro, and carried about with every wind of doctrine, by the sleight of men, and cunning craftiness, whereby they lie in wait to deceive;

15 But speaking the truth in love, may grow up into him in all things, which is the head, even Christ:” – Ephesians 4:15 (KJV)

Speak the truth of the Word of God to your teen in a loving way. Explain to them from the Scriptures that God condemns this type of behavior – whether it be transgender behavior or homosexual behavior.

Step 3 – Tell them that God did NOT make them this way

“Behold, I was shapen in iniquity; and in sin did my mother conceive me.” – Psalm 51:5 (KJV)

“So also is the resurrection of the dead. It is sown in corruption; it is raised in incorruption:” – I Corinthians 15:42 (KJV)

The Bible is clear that “male and female created he them”(Genesis 1:27) and throughout the Scriptures we find that any deviation we see in our world from this is a result of the corruption of sin in the world and in our bodies.  No gay, lesbian or transgender person can Biblically say “God made me this way”.

God did not make gays, lesbians or transgenders the way they are – sin made them that way.

The struggle your teen faces with gender identity disorders or homosexual temptations is not a struggle against cultural prejudices but rather it is a struggle against the corruption of sin that is in their body.

God did not make us with sinful habits and desires – we inherited that from our father Adam:

“Wherefore, as by one man sin entered into the world, and death by sin; and so death passed upon all men, for that all have sinned:” – Romans 5:12 (KJV)

Step 4 – Tell them that God wants them to be renewed their minds

“22 That ye put off concerning the former conversation the old man, which is corrupt according to the deceitful lusts;

23 And be renewed in the spirit of your mind;

24 And that ye put on the new man, which after God is created in righteousness and true holiness.” – Ephesians 4:22:-24 (KJV)

In the same way that people with other defects must overcome their defects so too God calls on those who struggle with transgender and homosexual desires to see these desires as a sinful corruption of their mind and they must resist these urges and thoughts.

Step 5 – Tell them they cannot do this alone and they will need to depend on God and others for strength

“The Lord is my rock, and my fortress, and my deliverer; my God, my strength, in whom I will trust; my buckler, and the horn of my salvation, and my high tower.” – Psalm 18:2 (KJV)

Try and get them to a professional Christian counselor or Pastor that specializes in helping teens who struggle with transgender and homosexual desires.

Step 6 – Tell them that God can and will help them beat this temptation if they will let him

“There hath no temptation taken you but such as is common to man: but God is faithful, who will not suffer you to be tempted above that ye are able; but will with the temptation also make a way to escape, that ye may be able to bear it.” – I Corinthians 10:13 (KJV)

Many people act as if it is impossible for a person to overcome the temptations of transgenderism and homosexuality.  But there are many Christians who have done this and gone on to live normal lives that are pleasing to God. It might be helpful to lookup some Christian ministries and stories of gay and transgender teens that have gone on to live normal lives.

Pray with them daily and tell them to pray by themselves as well daily.  They need to bring their struggle to God on a daily basis.

Step 7 – Tell them that your love for them and God’s love for them has not changed because they struggle with this temptation

“38 For I am persuaded, that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come,

39 Nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.” – Romans 8:38-39 (KJV)

We all face different temptations due to the corruption of our bodies by the presence of sin in the world and our inherited sin nature from Adam. We must show our children the love of God – he truly wants to help us and renew our minds if we will let him and depend on him.

My teen struggles with suicidal thoughts how should I deal with this?

This is extremely common for teens who struggle with transgender and homosexual desire to also struggle with suicidal thoughts.  This is yet another reason to get your teen into a good Christian counselor who can not only help them with their transgender or homosexual temptations but also the accompanying suicidal thoughts that come with it.

Even teens who struggle with transgender desires and homosexual desires who do not come from Christian homes struggle with suicidal thoughts. The reason for this is that even our corrupt world knows deep down that transgender behavior and homosexual behavior goes against the laws of nature. We can try and pretend that it does not – but we know it does.

Be ready for your faith to be tested

There are few things in this world that will test your faith more than when your own child tells you that you they are struggling with transgender or homosexual desires. It becomes even worse when they reject their faith and choose their transgender or homosexual desires over their faith.  They may even make you choose between your faith and accepting their new lifestyle. They may threaten to commit suicide if you do not deny your faith and embrace their sin.

But remember the words of Christ:

“He that loveth father or mother more than me is not worthy of me: and he that loveth son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me.” – Matthew 10:37 (KJV)

You cannot deny your faith in order to appease your teen’s sin. Tell them you love them but you cannot deny God or his Word. If they choose to depart from you because you will not deny your faith then you must let them depart and give them over to God.

Conclusion

Dealing with transgenderism and homosexuality in one’s family or one’s church is not an easy thing to do. In fact is heartbreaking. I have personally experienced this with my brother and I also experienced this with people in the church I attend.  But even in the midst of the darkness – God can receive glory in these things. While it is so sad when some teens choose their corrupted sexuality over their faith, it is a glorious thing when other teens choose God over their flesh and he transforms their life.

“And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.” – II Corinthians 12:9 (KJV)

Check out this link from Focus on the Family that has many helpful resources for helping people overcome transgender and homosexual temptations:

http://www.focusonthefamily.com/socialissues/sexuality/leaving-homosexuality/resources-for-men-and-women-with-unwanted-homosexuality

10 Reasons Christian couples should NOT see marriage counselors

Reasons not to see a marriage counselor? I know it sounds crazy by our modern understanding of marriage. If marriage is a partnership of equals and in any partnership there will be disagreements why would counseling ever not be a good idea?

In an article from GotQuestions.com (http://www.gotquestions.org/Christian-marriage-counseling.html) they list these 10 reasons that Christian couples should seek marriage counseling:

1. Inability to resolve conflict in a healthy way.
2. One partner dominating the relationship so that the needs of the other are not met.
3. Inability to compromise.
4. Either partner stepping outside the marriage to “fix” the problems.
5. Breakdown in communication.
6. Confusion about the roles of each spouse in the marriage.
7. Pornography.
8. Deceit.
9. Disagreement about parenting styles.
10. Addictions.

These are actually NOT reasons for a Christian couple to seek marriage counseling. But to understand why these are not reasons to seek couples counseling we first need to understand four principles regarding Biblical marriage.

Four Biblical principles that should be considered before marriage counseling is pursued

The first principle of Biblical Marriage

The wife is to submit to her husband as her head in everything(Ephesians 5:23-24)

The second principle of Biblical Marriage

The wife is to reverence her husband as her master (Ephesians 5:33 & I Peter 3:5-6)

The third principle of Biblical Marriage

A husband is to love his wife as Christ loves his Church and as he loves his own body (Ephesians 5:25-31 & 33)

The fourth principle of Biblical Marriage

A husband is to know and honor his wife (I Peter 3:7)

So as we can clearly see from the Scriptures – marriage as God designed it is not a partnership of equals but it is instead a patriarchy (male lead hierarchy).

Some people might ask – why are the first two principles referring to women submitting to and reverencing their husbands?

I address a woman’s obligation to submit to and reverence her husband first because in the Bible God always addresses those under authority to obey and respect their authority first. Then God addresses those in authority and their treatment of those under their authority. So these principles are actually in the Biblical order that God addresses husbands and wives.

Biblical Principles regarding counseling

In my guide “When should a Christian couple seek a marriage counselor?” I discuss from a Biblical perspective the pros and cons of modern marriage counseling.

In that guide I discuss that while the Bible exhorts us to seek wise counsel, it also tells us that it unwise to allow ourselves to either hear counsel that undermines God’s law and his design of marriage or even if that counsel is wise if it is given in the wrong venue then it can still be wrong.

We need make sure that both WHAT counsel we receive and HOW we receive are right.

For instance there are things that a man needs to learn from another man in private about how to properly treat his wife and children. But it would be inappropriate in most cases for a man to be being corrected by another man in front of his wife and children. It undermines his Biblical authority over them, even if the advice is Biblically based. One of the few cases where it would be ok for a man to be corrected and stopped in front his wife and children is if he were physically abusing them.

See my post “When should a Christian couple seek a marriage counselor?” for more guidelines on when Christian couples should actually seek counseling and how they should seek it in various scenarios.

Now we will apply these Biblical principles about marriage and counsel to GotQuestions.com’s list.

Application of Biblical principles regarding marriage and counseling to GotQuestions.com’s 10 reasons for marriage counseling

“1. Inability to resolve conflict in a healthy way.”

Ok if this has to do with physical abuse by either spouse then I would agree the counseling needs to be sought and in some cases the civil authorities may need to be involved.   But often this issue of resolving conflict in a “healthy way” refers to couples yelling at one another.

A husband should not be yelling at his wife all the time, while there may be some cause for husband to raise his voice to his wife if she acting in a rebellious way. But even if a husband does yell at his wife more than he should – this is not something for a marriage counselor to solve. This is not something where a wife gets to run to a counselor and say “he yells at me too much”. He is her authority, she is to reverence him, obey him and serve him as his wife despite his flaws. This does not mean she cannot bring her concerns to him gently – but there is no cause for a third party in the form of a marriage counselor to come in and undermine his spiritual authority.

“2. One partner dominating the relationship so that the needs of the other are not met.”

Ok let’s be honest – they are prettying much targeting men with this “dominating the relationship” comment.

But first what does “dominate” mean?

These are some definitions of “dominate” as given by Webster’s online dictionary:

“rule or control”

“to exert the supreme determining or guiding influence on”

“to have or exert mastery, control, or preeminence”

“to occupy a more elevated or superior position”

Did we not just see in the Scriptures that the husband is the wife’s head and she is to regard him as her master in all things? Is the husband not to occupy the superior position in marriage if he is to follow God’s design and model for marriage?

So a man “dominating” this marriage in this regard is not only not wrong, but it commanded by God.

But if by dominating that means he is selfish and cares nothing about meeting his wife’s needs that God has commanded him to do then this is indeed a problem.

God defines what a wife’s needs are and how a husband must meet them. He must provide food, clothing, shelter and sex to his wife. He must know her (talk to her and spend time with her) and honor her position as his wife. But how he goes about these tasks is at HIS discretion. It is not the place of the wife to seek out a marriage counselor for her husband’s failures in these types of things.

“3. Inability to compromise.”

What compromise? The husband is to be the decider and the wife is to be the follower. A husband is to hear his wife’s concerns about various issues but ultimately the decisions are his to make whether it be in what church they attend, financial areas, what they teach their children regarding morality and the disciplining of the children and other areas of their marriage.

“4. Either partner stepping outside the marriage to “fix” the problems.”

If this is referring to a wife bad mouthing her husband or husband bad mouthing his wife to others then yes this is wrong – but again this is something that can and should be handled by the couple themselves.

“5. Breakdown in communication.”

Yes couples need to talk (I Peter 3:7 husbands need to know their wives, and Titus 2:4 wives are to show affection for their husbands).

Let’s first tackle the silent husband. If the husband is not talking to his wife this usually is for one of two reasons. The first has to do with her behavior regarding issues such as sexual neglect, neglect of her home, neglect of her children or disrespectful speech or behavior. The second reasons husbands may be silent is simply a selfish neglect toward their wife.

In either case a husband does not have the right to give his wife the silent treatment but neither does his wife have the right to seek out a marriage counselor in order to “tell on him” for his neglect. She needs to work within the marriage to find ways to encourage him to talk to her and to continue loving him, respecting him and submitting to him despite his neglect in this area.

But what about the silent wife? A wife giving her husband the silent treatment is more than just neglect to her duty to be affectionate toward him. It is an act of rebellion. It does not call for marriage counseling. It calls for Biblical discipline by her husband.

“6. Confusion about the roles of each spouse in the marriage.”

What confusion? The Bible is clear – the husband is the head of the wife and the wife is to submit to her husband in everything. The husband is to lead, provide and protect and the wife is to be the keeper of his home and bear and care for his children. No confusion, no counseling needed. Only an acceptance of the four Biblical principles of marriage that I outlined is required.

“7. Pornography.”

Again let’s not kid ourselves – this targeted at men. Your husband looking at a picture of a naked woman may be offensive to you but again what Biblical right do you have to go and “tell” on your husband to a counselor (or anybody else for that matter)? Is he accountable to you or is he accountable to God?

“8. Deceit.”

If a wife hides things from her husband say in regard to spending or is secretly undermining his directions for the children this is a sin against his authority as she is accountable to him. But he should not take her to marriage counselor over this, but rather he should exercise Biblical discipline toward her (e.g. cut up her credit cards).

If a husband hides things from his wife we must really look at what he is hiding. If he is hiding an affair or the fact that he is a drug dealer then these extreme situations would warrant a wife seeking outside help from his authorities in the church or civil government depending on what it was. But other than these big ticket items if he is hiding spending or hiding other things from her – HE is not accountable to her. He is her authority, she is not his.

“9. Disagreement about parenting styles.”

Yes husband and wives are going to disagree about parenting styles. The husband should hear his wife and truly consider her position. But at the end of the discussion it is ultimately his decision as to what parenting style will be applied. The Bible does not allow for a wife to drag her husband to a marriage counselor to convince him that her style is the better one to use.

“10. Addictions.”

A drug addiction or alcohol addiction may be a reason for a wife to seek help from her husband’s authorities as these can directly affect the safety of her and her children. A gambling addiction may be a reason to seek outside help IF this addiction is causing the family not to have food or shelter which a husband is required to provide.

But other than these types of addictions if a husband is say “addicted” his job, to watching sports, watching regular movies, watching porn on his computer or playing video games it is not the place of a wife to seek outside help for these things for her husband. Remember she is not responsible for him and his behavior. Only those things which can cause a real danger to the family or are cause for Biblical divorce would allow a wife to seek outside help.

Conclusion

As we can see in most cases except for extreme conditions none of these 10 reasons for seeking couples counseling would be Biblically valid when we apply the four principles of Biblical marriage to these situations.

16 Ways to Instill Biblical Masculinity in your Sons

Teach your son that God is his ultimate example of masculinity

“For a man ought not to have his head covered, since he is the image and glory of God; but the woman is the glory of man.” – I Corinthians 11:7 (NASB)

Teach your son to be strong in mind and body

“I am going the way of all the earth. Be strong, therefore, and show yourself a man.” – I Kings 2:2 (NASB)

“A wise man is strong, and a man of knowledge increases power.” – Proverbs 24:5 (NASB)

“Be on the alert, stand firm in the faith, act like men, be strong.” – I Corinthians 16:13 (NASB)

Teach your son to be brave

“Therefore, keep up your courage, men” – Acts 27:25 (NASB)

“But we are not of those who shrink back to destruction, but of those who have faith to the preserving of the soul.” – Hebrews 10:39 (NASB)

Teach your son to be a leader

“The righteous is a guide to his neighbor, but the way of the wicked leads them astray.” – Proverbs 12:26 (NASB)

Teach your son to listen to wise counsel

“A wise man will hear and increase in learning, and a man of understanding will acquire wise counsel” – Proverbs 1:5 (NASB)

“Where there is no guidance the people fall, but in abundance of counselors there is victory.” – Proverbs 11:14 (NASB)

Teach your son to be a man of integrity

“A righteous man who walks in his integrity— How blessed are his sons after him.” – Proverbs 20:7 (NASB)

“A good name is to be more desired than great wealth, favor is better than silver and gold.” – Proverbs 22:1 (NASB)

“The integrity of the upright will guide them, but the crookedness of the treacherous will destroy them.” – Proverbs 11:3 (NASB)

Teach your son to channel his competitive and aggressive nature but do not suppress it

“Blessed be the Lord, my rock, who trains my hands for war, and my fingers for battle” – Psalm 144:1 (NASB)

“Fight for your brothers, your sons, your daughters, your wives and your houses.” – Nehemiah 4:14 (NASB)

Teach your son to channel his anger but do not suppress it

“Be angry, and yet do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger” – Ephesians 4:26 (NASB)

“Like a city that is broken into and without walls is a man who has no control over his spirit.” – Proverbs 25:28 (NASB)

“He who is slow to anger is better than the mighty, and he who rules his spirit, than he who captures a city.” – Proverbs 16:32 (NASB)

Teach your son to channel his sexuality but do not suppress it

“Your head crowns you like Carmel, and the flowing locks of your head are like purple threads;

The king is captivated by your tresses.

“How beautiful and how delightful you are, my love, with all your charms!

“Your stature is like a palm tree, and your breasts are like its clusters.”

”I said, ‘I will climb the palm tree,
I will take hold of its fruit stalks.’
Oh, may your breasts be like clusters of the vine,
And the fragrance of your breath like apples,
And your mouth like the best wine!” – Song of Solomon 7:5-9 (NASB)

Teach your son to defend the weak

“Learn to do good; Seek justice, Reprove the ruthless, Defend the orphan, Plead for the widow.” – Isaiah 1:17 (NASB)

“Open your mouth, judge righteously, and defend the rights of the afflicted and needy.” – Proverbs 31:9 (NASB)

“Moses was educated in all the learning of the Egyptians, and he was a man of power in words and deeds…  And when he saw one of them being treated unjustly, he defended him and took vengeance for the oppressed by striking down the Egyptian.” – Acts 7:22 & 24 (NASB)

Teach your son to not be manipulated by women’s sexual charms

“For the commandment is a lamp and the teaching is light; And reproofs for discipline are the way of life to keep you from the evil woman, from the smooth tongue of the adulteress. Do not desire her beauty in your heart, nor let her capture you with her eyelids. For on account of a harlot one is reduced to a loaf of bread, and an adulteress hunts for the precious life.” – Proverbs 6:23-26 (NASB)

Teach your son the value of hard work

“Man goes forth to his work and to his labor until evening.” Psalm 104:23 (NASB)

“Do you see a man skilled in his work? He will stand before kings; He will not stand before obscure men.” – Proverbs 22:29 (NASB)

“He who gathers in summer is a son who acts wisely, but he who sleeps in harvest is a son who acts shamefully.” – Proverbs 10:5 (NASB)

“Here is what I have seen to be good and fitting: to eat, to drink and enjoy oneself in all one’s labor in which he toils under the sun during the few years of his life which God has given him; for this is his reward.” – Ecclesiastes 5:18 (NASB)

“Commit your works to the Lord and your plans will be established.” – Proverbs 16:3 (NASB)

“He also who is slack in his work is brother to him who destroys.” – Proverbs 18:9 (NASB)

“Prepare your work outside and make it ready for yourself in the field; Afterwards, then, build your house.” – Proverbs 24:27 (NASB)

“The plans of the diligent lead surely to advantage, but everyone who is hasty comes surely to poverty.” – Proverbs 21:5 (NASB)

“In all labor there is profit, but mere talk leads only to poverty.” – Proverbs 14:23 (NASB)

Teach your son to value and seek out a wife and have a family

“Enjoy life with the woman whom you love all the days of your fleeting life which He has given to you under the sun; for this is your reward in life and in your toil in which you have labored under the sun.” – Ecclesiastes 9:9 (NASB)

“He who finds a wife finds a good thing and obtains favor from the Lord.” – Proverbs 18:22 (NASB)

“Charm is deceitful and beauty is vain, But a woman who fears the Lord, she shall be praised.” – Proverbs 31:30 (NASB)

“Behold, children are a gift of the Lord, The fruit of the womb is a reward. Like arrows in the hand of a warrior, so are the children of one’s youth. How blessed is the man whose quiver is full of them” – Psalm 127:3-5 (NASB)

Teach your son that men provide for and protect their women and children

“When a strong man, fully armed, guards his own house, his possessions are undisturbed.” – Luke 11:21 (NASB)

“Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her,  so that He might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word,  that He might present to Himself the church in all her glory, having no spot or wrinkle or any such thing; but that she would be holy and blameless.  So husbands ought also to love their own wives as their own bodies. He who loves his own wife loves himself;  for no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ also does the church,  because we are members of His body.” – Ephesians 5:25-28 (NASB)

“A good man leaves an inheritance to his children’s children, and the wealth of the sinner is stored up for the righteous.” – Proverbs 13:22 (NASB)

Teach your son to show proper respect for authority

“Honor your father and your mother, that your days may be prolonged in the land which the Lord your God gives you.” – Exodus 20:10 (NASB)

“Submit yourselves for the Lord’s sake to every human institution, whether to a king as the one in authority, or to governors as sent by him for the punishment of evildoers and the praise of those who do right.” – I Peter 2:13-14 (NASB)

“Obey your leaders and submit to them, for they keep watch over your souls as those who will give an account. Let them do this with joy and not with grief, for this would be unprofitable for you.” – Hebrews 13:17 (NASB)

Teach your son to show proper honor to women

“You husbands in the same way, live with your wives in an understanding way, as with someone weaker, since she is a woman; and show her honor as a fellow heir of the grace of life, so that your prayers will not be hindered.” – I Peter 3:7 (NASB)

The Black Hole of Babydom

“It makes me sad to lose my friends and watch them throw away their promising careers and lives to enter the black hole of babydom” – my wife found this quote from a woman who wrote into an advice column that is featured in our local newspaper.

This advice column is written by a nationally syndicated columnist named Judith Martin a.k.a. “Miss Manners”.  Each week people write in asking her what is the correct way to handle different social situations.

This week a woman whom Miss Manners titled as a “Hater of baby showers” wrote  this to her about why she hated that her friends were having so many babies and baby showers:

I am also alarmed at the shocking number of otherwise intelligent people who, despite this being the First World with various forms of birth control widely available, still have unplanned pregnancies and make no secret of this fact...

For these reasons and others, I am generally not thrilled when my friends become pregnant. I love my friends, but once they have kids, they fall off the face of the earth. It makes me sad to lose my friends and watch them throw away their promising careers and lives to enter the black hole of babydom (which, despite common arguments to the contrary, almost all do).…”

You can read the full letter from this woman and Miss Manner’s advice to her here.

This letter is a pure and unabashed display of just how ugly modern feminism has become.

It is a direct contradiction to what God says about children.

“Lo, children are an heritage of the Lord: and the fruit of the womb is his reward.” – Psalm 127:3 (KJV)

“He maketh the barren woman to keep house, and to be a joyful mother of children. Praise ye the Lord.” – Psalm 113:9 (KJV)

While there has always been all kinds of wickedness in the world, never have we seen on such a wide scale the complete visceral hatred of motherhood as we do today.

God never intended for women to find their greatest fulfillment in a career, but rather he designed them to desire and be fulfilled in making and molding human lives.

Photo Source: Jason Ippolito  https://www.flickr.com/photos/jasonippolito/3686987657
https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0/

How should Christian women respond to their men looking at other women? Part 2

chrisPinestaringatlakergirl

In part 1 of this series, we established that men look, and many women get jealous, hurt or angry. In part 2 we will explore biological evidence and Biblical examples to show why men look at other women.

As believers in Christ, we understand that we all have a sin nature. But we also have a God given nature. In the Garden of Eden, before Adam and Eve ever sinned, God gave Adam a distinct and different male nature and he gave Eve a distinct and different female nature. He literally built Eve for Adam, and he made her nature almost completely the opposite of his.

Adam was built to lead, and God gave him dominion over the Garden, and had him name all the animals before Eve was ever made. God made a man’s mind to systemize, he made a woman’s mind to empathize.

So the question is – is man’s natural inclination to look at a variety of attractive women (even when he is in a committed relationship) a corruption of the nature God gave him in the Garden of Eden? All the ladies are saying “of course God never meant for a man to be attracted to more than one woman”.

Biological Evidence of man’s attraction mechanism

“the average man’s brain is sexually stimulated by visual cues and is built for variety…

Using functional MRI scans, researchers examined the brains of young men as they looked at pictures of beautiful women. They found that feminine beauty affects a man’s brain at a very primal level – similar to what a hungry person gets from a good meal or addict gets from a fix. One of the researchers said, “This is hard core circuitry. This is not a conditioned response.” Another concluded, “Men apparently cannot do anything about their pleasurable feelings [in the presence of beauty]”

Dr. Walt Larimore, MD – pg. 99 “His Brain, Her Brain”

MalelBrain

Even some Christian writers who take the “men just need to be trained to look away” approach admit this:

“Men’s sex drives are completely different from women’s sex drives…They really are primarily visual. If a man sees a pretty woman, his body automatically starts to respond, in the same way that if you were to walk in the front door, even if you weren’t hungry, and you smelled chocolate chip cookies just out of the oven, your mouth would start to water, whether you really wanted them or not. Even if you weren’t seeking it out, you respond. There’s nothing wrong with that…

If he’s noticing that a woman is attractive, and then he’s pulling his eyes away, he’s only being tempted. He’s not sinning. He hasn’t decided to do anything; in fact, he’s decided to turn from the temptation, which is exactly what he should be doing…

if your husband looks at other women, or comments on them, that’s hurtful…Tell him how you feel. Tell him you understand the temptation to look, but that he promised to love you and you alone. You’re worth it. And he has no right to look at anyone other than you. None of this “all men do it” garbage. We all are tempted towards sin; but we do not have to give into it.”

-Sheila Wray Gregoire

http://tolovehonorandvacuum.com/2011/03/husband-looks-at-other-women/

But as you can see from the last statement above, while the writer acknowledges man’s biological inclination to look, she sees it as part of his sin nature and a temptation he must be trained to pull “his eyes away” from.

Shelia then goes on to say that “he promised to love you and you alone…and he has no right to look at anyone else other than you.”

I could point to many more sources, and research , both from a biological standpoint, as well as psychological standpoint about man’s physical sexual attraction mechanisms, as well as his being wired for variety, but you get the point.

Biblical Examples of Man’s sexual nature

So at this point all the Christian ladies, and many Christian men are saying –“so what, man is naturally inclined to look at multiple women, but it’s part of his sin nature, and not part of God’s original design. Men just need to be trained to suppress, and flee from their sinful desire for variety – problem solved.”

But what about so many of the Patriarchs having more than one wife?

Abraham – the man of faith, the father of Jewish people, had multiple “concubines” (Genesis 25:6)

Jacob – The father of the twelve tribes of Israel, had all these sons through a combination of four wives (two free wives, two slave wives). The names of these twelve tribes are inscribed on the City of God for all time.

Gideon – the judge, great warrior and one of only a few men in the Bible to meet God in physical form (as the Angel of God), “had seventy sons of his own, for he had many wives.” (Judges 8:29-30)

David – “the man after God’s own heart”, had 18 wives. God scolded David for stealing a man’s wife (Bathsheba), and told him that he had given David his “master’s wives” and “and if that had been too little, I would have added to you many more things like these” (2 Samuel 12:8)

Notice I left out King Solomon. The reason for that is unlike Abraham, Jacob, Gideon and David, God condemned King Solomon for marrying many foreign wives who lead his heart astray. Also Solomon’s behavior was in fact, the “hording of wives” (having 700 wives and 300 concubines) which was condemned by God in Deuteronomy 17:17.

So in the Bible – we have Abraham, Jacob, Gideon and David, all great men of God, and if they had sinned by having more than one wife, if they had horded wives as Solomon did, then God would have said something, but he did not – as we said previously – God told David he gave him many wives!

Man’s polygynous nature (being drawn to more than one woman) is part of his original design by God

When we put together the fact that men are naturally wired for variety, and biologically conditioned to receive pleasure when seeing a variety of beautiful women – and we put that together with the fact that many great men of God had more than one wife we see a very different picture. Man’s wiring for a variety of women is actually part of the original design (before the fall) that God made man with.

The Adam and Eve argument

The argument that if God wired men for polygyny (to have the capacity for having multiple wives) then he would have gave Adam more than one wife does not hold water. If Adam’s monogamous relationship with Eve was meant to be God’s pattern for marriage, then we have two problems:

  1. Adam and Eve’s children had to marry each other – sibling marriage, something that God later condemned.   So did God mean for brothers and sisters to marry for all time, since brothers and sisters had to marry in the beginning?
  2. The second problem with the “God only gave Adam one wife, therefore that was his pattern for marriage” argument is that God pictures himself as a Polygamist husband in the book of Ezekiel when talking about his relationship with Israel and Judah:

“The word of the Lord came to me again, saying, 2 “Son of man, there were two women, the daughters of one mother; 3 and they played the harlot in Egypt. They played the harlot in their youth; there their breasts were pressed and there their virgin bosom was handled. 4 Their names were Oholah the elder and Oholibah her sister. And they became Mine, and they bore sons and daughters. And as for their names, Samaria is Oholah and Jerusalem is Oholibah… 36 Moreover, the Lord said to me, “Son of man, will you judge Oholah and Oholibah? Then declare to them their abominations. 37 For they have committed adultery, and blood is on their hands.”

Ezekiel 23:1-4 & 36-37(NASB)

MansPolygynousNature

So if men looking is not the problem, then what is?

God made man with the capacity for polygyny – that’s why men whether they are in a committed relationship or not, are drawn to beautiful women. Many men throughout history have chosen not act on their polygynous capacity, while many did choose to act on it. It is interesting to note from a historical standpoint, that Israel was still highly polygamous at the time of Christ, as the Romans had trouble enforcing their monogamy laws in nations like Israel (but eventually their monogamy laws did end polygamy in Israel).

So since God made man with a capacity for polygyny, then it is not sinful for him to be visually drawn to multiple women even after marriage.

And no it’s not lusting for a man (single or married) to be aroused by the site of beautiful women, other than his wife. Lust in Matthew 5:28 is talking about sexual covetousness, meaning a man thinking about trying to get a woman to actually have sex with him outside of marriage.

So the problem is not man’s polygynous nature (his being drawn to many women), but with woman’s jealousy, anger and insecurity.

Many people attack the polygamy of the Patriarchs noting the problems with jealousy between their wives – but they never even consider the fact that the wives jealousy was the sin, not their husband’s polygyny.

In the final part of this series about Christian men looking at other, we will explore how women should handle this issue of men looking at other women.

Click here to go to the final part of this series