Many young Christian women today have been raised their whole lives to believe feminism’s greatest lie – “You can have it all”. “You can have a career, a husband and children and you should never sacrifice any part of your dreams”. This is the core of feminism today and it is the primary reason that the family unit has been so decimated over the past century.
Even in Churches today women are taught a corrupt and twisted view of the Scriptures using passages like Psalms 37:4 to tell them God wants them to have all “the desires of thine heart” and it is a male dominated society that has held them back from having everything they want – not God.
Sacrifice is a part of God’s will for both men and women
The Bible tells us in the New Testament letter to the Hebrews that Moses sacrificed his position as a prince of Egypt and all the pleasures and riches that came with that position to follow God’s will for his life even though it would involve suffering and pain and perhaps even the loss of his dreams as a prince.
“24 By faith Moses, when he was come to years, refused to be called the son of Pharaoh’s daughter; 25 Choosing rather to suffer affliction with the people of God, than to enjoy the pleasures of sin for a season; 26 Esteeming the reproach of Christ greater riches than the treasures in Egypt: for he had respect unto the recompence of the reward.”
Hebrews 11:24-26 (KJV)
Many Christian women today struggle with a similar choice to sacrifice their career ambitions to follow the path God has for them in their home. Recently I received some emails from a woman who is experiencing this very struggle and I thought it might be beneficial for my readers to hear her story.
Courtney was on a successful career path to becoming a doctor later this year and looking forward to having a husband and many children along with that career. As a young Christian woman, Courtney had been raised all her life to believe the greatest lie of feminism – “you can have it all.”
Then she found this site and it has completely rocked her world to say the least. It has caused a conflict in her where none existed before. It has caused her to question how she has lead her life up to this point and if it was all a waste. Why did no one ever show her the Scripture passages she found on this site? Why did no one ever share with her God’s design of Biblical gender roles and what they represent? To say that she is now very frustrated and hurt would be an understatement.
So, with that as an introduction here is Courtney’s story.
Courtney’s Story
“I’ve recently become enthralled with your website but the more I read the more I just wonder what this life is supposed to be. Why give us the capacity to learn so much, dream big and have talents if, we were would later be forced to break our own hearts.
I thought having a happy family was what God wanted but now after reading the Bible passages you present I know it’s more than that. To say a woman can’t have it all is not true if you look at it in the same lens that most of us do. Happy family that never wants for anything great kids that excel in everything they do, a loving husband and happy functional home. To know that “having it all” as I just mentioned and how God wants it, don’t even run parallel just hurts.
I’m in my fourth year of med school and I’m in my ophthalmology rotation, but it means nothing and it’s worth nothing. To be told your ambition is misguided sucks, I’m not doing this for selfish reasons. I genuinely love medicine and helping people. It’s not fair, but hey none of it was meant to be right?
I was taught in church that loving God with my mind consisted of striving for academic success because it would bring honor to my family and God, but why say that if it’s not true. Why did I even go to school? I read about history and I think this would hurt less if we lived in biblical times when women didn’t know they had the capacity to learn how to do things. By June I’ll be a doctor but for what? I’ve interviewed for residencies and dined all this work, was it a waste of time?
As a Christian I know that being a parent is the greatest responsibility you could ever bare, but why does having a career have to diminish that? Honestly it seems easier to be a man because your role is as a provider and a man can have his career goals and his family but women have to choose not because someone will be unhappy but it seems like God expects us to. It just hurts.
One of the doctors that I’ve shadowed is an oculoplastics surgeon and her husband is the head obstetrics in another clinic. They meet for lunch several days out of the week, they even kind of brag on each other, they have 3 kids the youngest is a year old. I’ve asked how she does it and she has said it is hard but she makes time. She sees about 12 to 14 patients in a half day 3 times a week, surgery once a week and a day at the county clinic once a week.
She makes it to every recital and soccer game. When she gets home, she cooks and she typically gets home around 4 or 5 most days. She and her husband always look like newlyweds even though they are going on 8 years. The kids send videos from home doing cute stuff like coloring or dancing or playing a game. She and her husband are never on call at the same time so when that comes once a month the kids sleep in bed with either parent. Of course, they have conferences to go to on occasion so grandparents may keep the kids if one parent accompanied the other. Her life was my definition of “having it all”.
I believe any child if asked if they could have their mother stay at home would say yes, but I never believed that it was a necessity. I know what the duties of a man are, but when I say it’s easier I’m referring to the fact that he doesn’t have to choose between his passions and curb his ambitions. I’ve never been materialistic, things would not be how I kept my children happy. No one forced me into being a doctor. My mom stayed at home and yes it was great so I know what could come of it I choose to do so, but to find out now that I’m simply not allowed to choose to have both (a career as well as a husband and children) makes me wish that I was born in a time when ignorance was bliss. When women had no rights, no voice, and weren’t allowed to have an education. Women knew what they were allowed to know to keep them in line and didn’t have false hope.
It’s like a carrot has been dangled in front of me my whole life. I’ve always said I wanted 6 kids, 2 boys to protect their 2 younger sisters then adopt two more boys. I have to decide between having a family or being doctor which means a loveless life and eventually dying alone.
Oh, I’m dating an orthopedic surgeon resident too he’s been super supportive, we’ve talked about me staying at home and he said he’d support me no matter what. His mom stayed home too but he also believes that women with carriers are admirable. I never thought that this was part of my salvation, is it really though? As I write this I cry. I cry because I thought I had a plan, I thought that what I was doing was honorable unto God and I’m upset because I thought Psalms 37:4 meant I could have this career as a doctor and also have a family, but I was wrong. Why didn’t God warn me before I took this path, or give me a sign, because now I’m in pain. Does God favor men? Is this a test? Because if it is my body aches with frustration and disappointment.”
My Response to Courtney and other women who face this situation
Courtney – I know the knowledge I have presented from the Scriptures troubles you. You never heard it before. You want to run from it. And you could. You could find 100 different articles on line or Christian books that will tell you that you are perfectly fine to live your life as you planned it before finding out these truths.
But please realize it is not my words that have convicted you, but rather the Word of God. God tells us that the Bible has this spiritual power to convict:
“For the word of God is quick, and powerful, and sharper than any twoedged sword, piercing even to the dividing asunder of soul and spirit, and of the joints and marrow, and is a discerner of the thoughts and intents of the heart.”
Hebrews 4:12 (KJV)
As you know from the posts you have read on this site the Scriptures are clear that if a woman is married her top priority, her most important priority is her service to husband, her children and her home.
“4 That they may teach the young women to be sober, to love their husbands, to love their children, 5 To be discreet, chaste, keepers at home, good, obedient to their own husbands, that the word of God be not blasphemed.”
Titus 2:4-6 (KJV)
“I will therefore that the younger women marry, bear children, guide the house, give none occasion to the adversary to speak reproachfully.”
I Timothy 5:14 (KJV)
“She looketh well to the ways of her household, and eateth not the bread of idleness.”
Proverbs 31:27
Proverbs 31 shows us the most detailed example of what God expects from wives and it tell us all the things “she” – the wife does. Many women have tried to say servant girls could do all these things but the Bible shows her doing these things. Yes, she may go out of the house to plant a field or buy and sell in the market. But she never does these things at the expense of her household, but rather she does these things after she makes sure the needs of her household are cared for.
In no way does this picture a woman spending 40 to 50 hours a week away from her home delegating her home duties to others to care for while she was gone. It also does not even tell us at what point in her life the woman was leaving her house to do these things. Since we know there is no way a woman can care for her infant and toddler children while at the same time spending many hours and days away from the home each week this tells us her activities outside the home are when her children are older and or perhaps gone and not in need of her care.
In any case, the modern notion of a career woman having a baby and then leaving her infant child with a caretaker (even her husband) while she goes out to pursue a career has no Biblical support whatsoever. Every wife and mother is faced with a choice. Will she be a full-time career woman and part time wife and mother or will she be a full-time wife and mother as God has called her to be.
Now I want to directly respond to a few statements you made.
Your Statement:
“I never thought that this was part of my salvation, is it really though?”
I wanted to tackle this first as I think it is the most important one to address.
We are not saved based on how we run the different races God has given us to run as men and women. In other words, we are not saved by adhering to Biblical gender roles. But on that same note, we are not saved by giving to the poor, going to church, giving to our church or obeying God’s moral law in other areas. We are saved by the grace of God. Many Christians do not run the race “lawfully” as the Bible talks about but instead they make up their own rules of the race and run it the way they want to. Will they lose their salvation? No because if they did then their salvation would be based upon their works and not by God’s grace through faith alone in Christ alone.
But even though it will not cost us our salvation – it will cost us our honor and reward in heaven. So, if you choose the celibate life in service to God as an ophthalmologist you will receive reward and honor from God for the race you ran because you did it lawfully. If you chose to give up your career as an ophthalmologist to marry a man, have six children and serve your family for the rest of your life as a wife and mother you will receive a reward and honor from God at the end of your life.
If, however you chose to change the rules of his race and make your own rules thus trying to have the husband, children and career which will cause you to not be able to fully dedicate yourself to your husband, your children and your home you will as the Scriptures say “shall suffer loss: but he himself shall be saved; yet so as by fire”.
Your Statement:
“I was taught in church that loving God with my mind consisted of striving for academic success because it would bring honor to my family and God, but why say that if it’s not true.”
This false teaching is common in many churches today. The church has been poisoned by the philosophy of the feminist world around that says a woman’s must have a formal education and a career for her life to have full value. In fact, while you love and respect your mom for staying home to care for you many in this world do not respect stay at home moms anymore. They are regarded as lazy and ambitious.
But what does the Bible tell us a wife and mother’s greatest ambition was? It was her serving her husband, her children and her home. It was her service to her family, not her career, that caused her children to bless her and her husband to praise her as the Scriptures tell us:
“Her children arise up, and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praiseth her.”
Proverbs 31:28 (KJV)
Your Statement:
“One of the doctors that I’ve shadowed is an oculoplastics surgeon and her husband is the head obstetrics in another clinic. They meet for lunch several days out of the week, they even kind of brag on each other, they have 3 kids the youngest is a year old. I’ve asked how she does it and she has said it is hard but she makes time. She sees about 12 to 14 patients in a half day 3 times a week, surgery once a week and a day at the county clinic once a week.
She makes it to every recital and soccer game. When she gets home, she cooks and she typically gets home around 4 or 5 most days. She and her husband always look like newlyweds even though they are going on 8 years. The kids send videos from home doing cute stuff like coloring or dancing or playing a game. She and her husband are never on call at the same time so when that comes once a month the kids sleep in bed with either parent. Of course, they have conferences to go to on occasion so grandparents may keep the kids if one parent accompanied the other. Her life was my definition of “having it all”.
I realize you may have looked at this couple as the model for the life you want. But let me break down what is really happening in this dream scenario this couple has painted for you.
Five times a week, sometimes for an entire day and others for half the day or more this woman leaves her most important duties of the home God has given her not because she has to, but because she chose to. Because she wants to.
Also, do you realize that people sometimes paint pictures of their lives for themselves and others that are often not true? I know this to be true with family members I have had that are career women. They might say they normally cook at home but when you really drill down they may cook once or twice a week at home the vast majority of the time they are ordering carrying out because both they and their husband are too exhausted from their work day to cook.
Often career women are completely zapped for energy when it comes to having sex with their husbands. When they get home whatever energy they have left is given to the children and their husbands are left with next to nothing. Even what they give to their children is not the best they would have to offer if they did not have a career outside the home. Do you know how often we find that the couples who appear to have everything in order and are madly in love are just one step away from giving it all up and seeking divorce? It happens all the time. But they lie to themselves for years telling themselves it is all ok when it is not.
But let’s say that everything this woman has told you is true. That they truly have this perfect mix of family and career and she gets the best of both worlds working as a doctor and being a wife and mother and there are no real issues in neglecting their marriage or their children. Even if all this were true it would still be wrong.
While God says “Man goeth forth unto his work and to his labour until the evening.” (Psalm 104:23) he calls on wives to be “keepers at home” (Titus 2:4-6). This paints a stark contrast between the life of a wife and mother and that of her husband and there are more than physical reasons for this. There is a spiritual reason for this.
This relationship of man going out to work and providing for his wife, leading her and protecting her is a picture of God providing for the needs of his people.
“22 Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord. 23 For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the saviour of the body. 24 Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing. 25 Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it…
29 For no man ever yet hated his own flesh; but nourisheth and cherisheth it, even as the Lord the church”
Ephesians 5:22-29 (KJV)
You see it is not just about following the letter of the law, but the spirit of the law. A woman might be able to be like your friend and try and cook meals every day, do laundry and never miss a kids’ soccer game. She can have sex with her husband regularly and then do her career as well. But being a husband and wife is not just about checking things off a list so we can go do what we want to do. It is about modeling the relation of Christ and his Church.
A wife’s dependence on her husband for his leadership, protection and provision creates a beautiful picture for the world to behold. When a wife is less than fully dependent on her husband for his leadership, his protection and his daily provision for her it breaks the model that the Church should be fully dependent on Christ for her spiritual leadership, her protection and her provision.
We live in a sin cursed world that does not always allow us to keep this picture of marriage that God desires for us. Husbands die, become disabled or take downgrades on their jobs that may force them to have to ask their wife to work for a short period of time or longer. Divorce happens and women have to go and out work. All of these things break the model of marriage but they may not be the fault of the woman. She did not choose to have to go and work – this was forced upon her and God understands this.
But for a woman before marriage to purposefully plan that she will not even attempt to keep this model but will go about her own way by making her own model is a direct affront to God’s will and even more so if she knows this is what God’s Word shows.
Your Statement:
“Why didn’t God warn me before I took this path, or give me a sign, because now I’m in pain. Does God favor men? Is this a test? Because if it is my body aches with frustration and disappointment.”
I wonder if Moses had the same thought? God let him live 40 years in ignorance as a Prince of Egypt believing that was the life for him before God put it in his heart that the Israelite slaves were his brethren and he knew the difficult path he had to choose.
I know you are troubled now. You are hurt by the hard choice you know you must make based upon the Word of God.
But there are other Christians who face heart breaks like yours but for very different reasons. Below is a fictional story I have written to illustrate such a scenario.
A new Christian learns a painful truth about his life
Robert is a man that was raised by a pair of Lesbian mothers. They loved him and cared for him his whole life. While he is a teenager he realizes, he is sexually drawn to men and is a homosexual. As a young man in college he meets a man named Andrew who becomes his lover and eventually Robert marries Andrew. Robert and Andrew even adopt a baby girl together that they name Anna .
Then he meets a man named John at his work who is a Christian. Over the next year Robert becomes good friends with John and they often go to lunch together. John talks about his wife and children and Robert talks about his husband Andrew and his daughter Anna. Eventually through various conversations John shares his faith in Christ with Robert. Robert becomes more and more interested in John’s faith and John begins sharing various Scripture passages about the creation account, how sin entered the world and how God sent Christ to die for the sins of mankind.
Over the course of a few months Robert feels the call of God. The next day at lunch he is asks his friend at work “I want to become a Christian, I want to be saved. What must I do to be saved?” and Robert shares with him Romans 10:9 “That if thou shalt confess with thy mouth the Lord Jesus, and shalt believe in thine heart that God hath raised him from the dead, thou shalt be saved.”
Robert is so excited as he calls on Christ to save him. John and Robert embrace and John welcomes him to the body of Christ. John tells Robert the next step is for him to get baptized, join a local church and engage in his own personal study of the Scriptures to understand God’s moral law and will for his life. John knows that Robert will soon learn a difficult truth about how he is currently living his life.
Robert begins to intensely study the Scriptures as is common for many new Christians. He wants to learn everything he can about God and God’s will for his life. He decides to start out studying the book of Romans, because after all it was Romans 10:9 that taught him how to be saved. So he starts at the beginning with Romans chapter 1 and he comes across this passage:
“24 Wherefore God also gave them up to uncleanness through the lusts of their own hearts, to dishonour their own bodies between themselves: 25 Who changed the truth of God into a lie, and worshipped and served the creature more than the Creator, who is blessed for ever. Amen.26 For this cause God gave them up unto vile affections: for even their women did change the natural use into that which is against nature:
27 And likewise also the men, leaving the natural use of the woman, burned in their lust one toward another; men with men working that which is unseemly, and receiving in themselves that recompence of their error which was meet.
28 And even as they did not like to retain God in their knowledge, God gave them over to a reprobate mind, to do those things which are not convenient;”
Robert cannot believe what he is reading. He had heard some Christians opposed homosexuality but he thought they were just bigots. He thought they were just ignorant and prejudiced. He reasoned to himself “But John never mistreated me because I was a homosexual. He never said anything to me about it. Am I misreading this?” Robert can’t wait for the next day at work during lunch to get the answer to his questions. He calls his friend Robert and insists they talk.
John agrees and comes over to Roberts house to talk. Robert shows him the passage from Romans 1 he has just read. Robert says “Is it true? Is my lifestyle a sin against God? Is my relationship with Andrew a sin against God? Was the relationship of the women who raised me a sin against God?” John replies with a heavy heart to Robert – “Yes”. At this point Robert is overcome with grief and begins to cry. Robert asks John “Do I have to give up Andrew and our family together with Anna to become right with God?” John again answers him – “Yes”.
Robert still weeping asks John “Why did you not tell me this before I came to Christ?” John replies “Because it was not for me to try and clean up your sin before you accepted Christ. Christ died for while were we yet sinners. He asks us to repent, to acknowledge our sin before him and our need for his salvation. When you were first saved you asked God to forgive you of the sins you knew – that you had lied or cheated or mistreated others.
But you did not know your homosexual lifestyle was a sin. After salvation God begins to show us sins in our lives we never knew were there. His spirit searches us and reveals what is in our hearts. After we are saved then he does the work of changing our lives and conforming us to his will. For many Christians, especially those who are saved as adults, this is change can be a painful process. But God calls us all to progressive sanctification, to daily die to our old sinful natures and to try with the help of the Holy Spirit to be people God called us to be.”
Sometimes God reveals to us some painful truths. Sometimes he reveals things to us that will cause us to have to make very difficult and painful choices. In the Scriptures God did this with the children of Israel when they sinned by taking foreign wives in Ezra chapter 10. Israelite men literally had to send their foreign wives and children back to the lands they came from. How heart breaking that must have been. But it was necessary to make the people right with God in the same way we as Christians must sometimes make painful choices to make ourselves right with God and his will for our lives.
Conclusion
Moses though serves as a model for us in following God’s will for his life by giving up what he thought would be his life in service to a greater purpose that God had for him. Moses wanted to run the race God had for him, not a race of his own making or one based on his own rules. He valued the rewards of heaven over the riches and pleasure of this world. I hope that you will make that same choice.
God only gives you two choices at this point in your life. You can choose to live in celibate service to God as a doctor and as a result give up your dreams of having a husband and children or you can choose to be a wife and mother. But you cannot do both.
But I believe the passion you have for children and a husband outweighs your passion for medicine and God may have provided you with a man who will allow you to follow God’s will for your life in the home. I believe that if your heart is truly to be the wife and mother God called you to be that one day you will look back over the years you spent loving and serving your husband, your children and your home and the pain of this sacrifice will be forgotten.
A woman when she is in travail hath sorrow, because her hour is come: but as soon as she is delivered of the child, she remembereth no more the anguish, for joy that a man is born into the world.
John 16:21 (KJV)
Biblical Gender Roles 
The greatest satisfaction for the Christian is walk according to Christ in harmony with His design for our own sanctification. Sometimes we will be tried and tested, but we rest in knowledge that this too is for our own good and that even the testing of our faith is more precious than gold. The opposite is also true that living in disharmony is to stumble and trip on Christ .
1 Peter 2:7-8 Therefore, to you who believe, He is precious; but to those who are disobedient, “The stone which the builders rejected Has become the chief cornerstone,” and “A stone of stumbling And a rock of offense.” They stumble, being disobedient to the word, to which they also were appointed.
Courtney,
BGR has faithfully shown to you the Word of God and His revealed will for women of the faith. You must decide if you will embrace it and so embrace Christ or to reject it and so stumble on Christ. Do you trust that Christ is faithful to preserve you and care for you, will you dare to seek assurance of things hoped for and a conviction of things not seen or will you doubt that Lord is good and that He cares for His own? I think that this might be the biggest testing of your faith to date. James gives us these comforting words for uncomfortable times:
…count it all joy when you fall into various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces patience. But let patience have its perfect work, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing. James 1:2-4
Feminism is the lie, Christ is the truth in Him alone is life and life to the full.
Hey, congratulations for raising this topic.
Thank you for another very good article.
Let me add some thoughts:
Being a man doesn’t mean that one has no other tasks than to provide, or that one can fulfil all his passions, plans and ambitions without sacrificing his family and friends.
Men who “only” provide for their kids and wives, as difficult as it might be these days, still loose their families very soon.
In fact Abraham was called to be a Father of Nations because “I know that he will command his children after him to fear God and follow His ways”.
I think also that the oculoplastics surgeon friend who is paying other to take care, and, if you will, raise her children, and this will bite her in the future. Her children may or may be not bonded to that people instead. They may or may not be taught such ways of life which later will cause irreconcilable differences with the aging parents. Proverbs 22:6 “Train up a child in the way he should go, and even when he is old he will not depart from it” How can the oculoplastics friend know if the “way” trained by someone is the way she wants her children to live. For example the relationship of the house maiden in the The Queen of Versailles (2012) documentary. http://www.imdb.com/title/tt2125666/
Alex,
I agree with you that a man has to do more than provide even though this is a very large part of what he is called to do by God. His leadership would involve him teaching his wife and children in the ways of the Lord. His provision and protection of his wife and children involve more than the physical provision and protection – it is the spiritual as well. There is a balance that a husband and father must find between his career and his family.
But I will say this. We have in our culture put guilt complexes on Dads for working 60 hours a week in a factory(like my father did my whole life and still does now in his early sixties) or other jobs when they can’t make it to all their children’s various functions. I have heard of fathers almost loosing their jobs because they were made to feel so guilty for not being able to make all their children’s events so they tried to and it negatively affected them at their job. The fact is if Dad loses his job the family will lose the roof over their head. That is much more important than Dad making it to little john’s play at his elementary school during the day. That is where mom comes in. If she is a full time mom she can make it to those kind of events and support the children while Dad is supporting the family.
“You throw my people’s women out of the homes they love. You deprive their children of my glory forever. Get up and go! You can’t stay here! Because [the land] is now unclean, it will destroy you with a grievous destruction.” [Micah 2:9,10 CJB] It appears the God’s Word needs no further explanation.
It is true, even in more conservative circles we are told to go to college, find a career, or if not a career, at least a job that earned money. One line of thinking I heard a lot, even from women who chose to stay home, was I needed to be able to support myself if something happened to my husband. I don’t know what to say to that really, because it sounds so practical. In reality, I highly doubt my ability to support a family monetarily, even having a bachelors degree. I sometimes even regret going to college (although I went to community college and then a bible college on a discount because my dad worked in ministry at the time–so I have very little debt.). However, I cannot change that decision now, and I did meet my husband there, so I try not to regret it. Career was never my goal, and I often feel like I’m not “pulling my weight” by not making more money or having a “grown up” job. I do work an extremely small amount of part time hours a couple nights. It is easy to feel inferior, but I often have to remind myself that what I am doing is exactly what God says is right. My family and home are my life, and I don’t want to do anything else. It is very freeing when i let go of that anxiety over needing to become more “marketable” or get more schooling or take on more hours. It is enough for me to take care of my family this way.
My post from yesterday didn’t make it I guess. Hopefully this one will.
Great article bgr. Often what God asks us to do is not our way. The problem with this particular topic is that feminism has told women they must be as men, instead of what God made them to be. This is a carefully crafted lie and it is doing massive damage all for “people to be happy”. We don’t need to be happy, we need to be Holy. I’m not sure women are so happy with this arrangement either. They are told they will be. There seems to be an epidemic of addiction, and I’m not talking about what is obvious, but the underpinning of what looks like normal on the outside, but is miserably and empty on the inside.
Courtney – if you are reading – yes, you have been lied to – by the world. Not by God. Your message puts God in the accountability seat for this situation, but is isn’t God who failed you. He isn’t taking anything from you. You see, this is one of the enemies craftiest tricks – make what God says is good seem not good. Then we approach the Lord as if he is somehow doing us wrong. It is all backwards. God loves us so much that he doesn’t want to leave us where we are, he wants us to grow towards Him and be blessed and Holy, in other words, better than we are.
@ Afd
There is some merit to the “Mrs degree” concept. There are much more eligible bachelors smashed into a smaller given area, and there are also usually groups of various Christian denominations as well.
The problem is obviously the debt taken, which can be mitigated to a large extent by taking on a job and going to cheap(er) state schools. Even without parents help. I’ve known quite a few people who have graduated with no debt by going to a cheaper state school and working hard during.
Of course, most Christian women going to college aren’t looking to actually find a husband and/or have children nowadays, but I do know of a few couples from the Christian groups I’ve attended who did just that. It still happens.
The way I see it is that God and the family need to be #1 and #2 priorities. The wife doing “work” out of the home should be much farther down the list, unless there are potentially terrible extenuating circumstances. If the wife can get a job working remotely from home or entrepreneurial that is ideal. That seems to be the line of thinking of Prov 31 at least… the wife is doing most of her “business” or “work” from her household. When the kids are growing up, should probably be full time homemaker or maybe part time at most if working from the home so that all of the attention can be given to the household.
If you want the career, have the career!! If you love it, feel called to it, go for it! But know that having a family, especially a large one, with a career is VERY VERY difficult. I am a stay at home mom. I am the first one up and the last one to bed by hours! My days are filled from one end to the other. My days are so filled that I had to give up homeschooling because I could not even “do it all” within the spectrum of stay at home motherhood!! I can’t even begin to imagine having a demanding career on top of all this!
Finish your degree. Start your career, if you want to but I advise you to really reconsider trying to balance both family and career.
The only one you have to answer to is God. Pray for His will in your life.
LivingInBlurredLines,
I disagree with what you said here “If you want the career have the career!”. It is not about what we want, it is about what God wants for our life. She has also shown a great passion and desire to have a husband and many children. These two passions are in direct conflict. I realize you demonstrated how difficult it is to be a stay at home mom and how demanding motherhood is. That is absolutely true. But your comment almost reads as if you are encouraging her to try out a career first(which she would get sucked into) and then decide if she really wanted to give that up for a family.
I believe now that God has revealed to her that he has given her this passion for a husband and children that everything else takes a back seat to that. If she were to continue following the medical career and become a doctor it is like Lot’s wife looking back at what she wanted.
You are absolutely right that the only one she has to answer to is God – not me, not you or anyone else here. However saying that God is the only one we have to answer to does not change what his Word says. His command to both men and women is “be fruitful and multiply”, the exception to his rule is celibacy in service to him if one is called to that. But as the Apostle Paul says one must have the gift of celibacy. That gift means you don’t have a strong pull toward marriage and family, but instead your strongest pull is full time service of some type in devotion to God. She had shown by her own words that her strongest pull is toward having a family with many children.
She has even confirmed to me in an email after this post that this is the case and she knows that she needs to give up the medical career to pursue the passion for a family God has given her.
I changed careers and working hours to be with my children. It was a struggle with many hours in prayer and seeking God. No regrets and God has carried me on a path that gives me great joy now that the kids are adults. My two daughters are struggling with the ‘Christian feminist’ agenda that’s being promoted in this day and age. What can I do but pray for them? An excellent article. Thank you.
My question regarding this situation that was presented, is in light of Deborah the judge. Deborah was a judge and she was also married. Is it that because the Bible doesn’t state that she had children makes Deborah’s situation different?
I have several very close friends who are doctors and some are newly-weds. I personally know the plight of med-school and the hard work associated with it as I am also in the health care sector. Could it be that this young lady can fulfill these God given destinies but just at different points in her life.
A scenario can be to attain her degree work as a specialist, when she and her husband decides to have children she can keep in practice through consultancy, research, medical missions or academic medicine.
Jen,
Deborah may have had children or she may have been barren. But even if she had children it is most likely that she would not have started her ministry until long after they were gone. There is no picture painted in the Scripture of Deborah’s husband being some stay at home dad while she did her prophecy duties(as so many Christian feminists like to imagine today).
In fact we have no idea how often she sat under the tree giving advice to Israel – it is very likely that she cooked and took care of her home with no children there later in years and then sat under a tree near her home where people came and sought her advice. In this way she did not neglect her duties to her husband while serving God as a prophet.
On the issue of being doctors or nurses – I also personally know people in this field and my wife was a nurse before she became disabled in a car accident about a few years ago. The medical field – whether being a doctor or a nurse is a VERY demanding job in most cases.
I think one of the mistakes we make in this discussion of “Is it ok for women to have careers outside the home” is that we assume everything hinges on the children. If there are children she has an obligation to be in the home full time – but somehow if there are not children in the home or they are in school that somehow she can go have a full time career without it still impacting the family.
When a woman is married what is her primary mission in life? It is to serve her husband, her her children and her home. And serving her husband is her number one priority out of the three.
I am not saying it is wrong for women to have hobbies or to educate themselves. But their hobbies or education should never in any way be a hindrance to them fully serving their husbands, their children and their homes. Even doing things part time like what you mention would in some ways might be a hindrance to her primary mission.
And we really have to come back to that word “hindrance”. Is a woman working outside her home part of the mission that God has given her in the way that this in fact part of man’s mission? The answer is no. So a wife really needs to ask herself – “Is this hobby or education interest that I am pursuing in my down time going to take away from my energy and focus on the mission God has given me as a help meet to my husband?” If she can answer “no – it will not be a hindrance in any way” then it might be ok.
But far too often women honestly don’t think these kinds of en devours will not be a hindrance to later find out that they are. They begin to have less dedication to the care of their home, to meal preparation and also devoting energy to serving the needs of their husbands both sexual and non-sexual.
I know this article is a bit aged but I really felt prompted to add my 2 mites. I stopped pursuing my career in lieu of a husband and children. I’ve enjoyed much of this life as it’s been almost 10 years to date. I’ve appreciated the ability to love and assist my family through the power of God. I don’t regret the path that I’ve chosen. My husband and 6 children provide me with the opportunity to challenge myself in the Spirit daily and I have grown tremendously in my walk in Christ and because I am able to model [truth] alongside my teaching the children, I began to see much of the significance of my role in their lives. And we are growing together “No member left behind”. Sacrifices are not always desirable but they do tend to be necessary *hence Christ! Courtney, whatever your decision, I pray God leads you to His will for your life:) Grow in grace Sisters and Brothers!