“You should always take your spouse’s side and defend them against others” – this what most Christian counselors and pastors teach today.

But the truth according to the Bible is not that simple.

The Bible teaches us that sometimes a spouse should defend their spouse, sometimes they should remain silent, and other times they must stand against their spouse’s behavior.

The Bible gives us commands and principles that should guide us in when we should defend our spouse, remain silent or take an active stand against them.

Ephesians 5:25-27 (NASB) calls husbands to emulate Christ’s love for his church by washing their wives spiritual spots and wrinkles with the Word of God:

“²⁵ Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her, ²⁶ so that He might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, ²⁷ that He might present to Himself the church in all her glory, having no spot or wrinkle or any such thing; but that she would be holy and blameless.”

A husband should be willing to defend his wife, to the point of giving up his life for her when she is being unjustly attacked. At the same time, husbands are called to be the primary human instrument of sanctification in the life of their wife. Husbands are called to wash their wife’s spiritual spots and wrinkles with the Word of God.

In Revelation 3:19 (NASB) the Bible tells us that part of Christ’s love for his church, which husbands are commanded to emulate in Ephesians 5:25, is that he rebukes and disciplines his church:

“Those whom I love, I rebuke and discipline; therefore be zealous and repent.”

Listen to my podcast series below for a biblical based guide on how to implement discipline with your wife:

How to Discipline Your Wife As Christ Does His Church

What about if a man’s wife acts in ways or makes decisions that may not be directly condemned in the Bible, but he still disagrees with it? Must he support her if her decisions or actions don’t directly violate the Bible?

Numbers chapter 30 shows us that a man may contradict his wife, even publicly, if he disagrees with her words or behavior. And 1 Peter 3:5-6 tells us that the husband is the earthly lord of his wife – a lord may override and cancel the decisions of those under them.

This possibility should cause wives to measure their words and behavior carefully, especially in public.

But what about wives?

The general rule, biblically speaking, is that a wife is to be on her husband’s side.

Proverbs 12:4 (NASB) says:

“An excellent wife is the crown of her husband,
But she who shames him is like rottenness in his bones.”

A wife is to be her husband’s crown, his greatest cheerleader. Her actions are to bring him glory, not shame. This means that unless his actions directly violate the commands of God in the Bible, the wife is to support her husband.

This means that sometimes a wife will have to support decisions or actions of her husband that she does not think are the wisest course of action as long as they are not immoral according the Bible.

What about when a woman’s husband is doing things that are clearly sinful according to the Scriptures?

In 1 Peter 3:1-2 (NASB) the Bible gives the following commands to wives as to how to handle their husband’s sinful behavior:

 “In the same way, you wives, be subject to your own husbands so that even if any of them are disobedient to the word, they may be won over without a word by the behavior of their wives, as they observe your pure and respectful behavior.”

God does not expect a wife to actively defend and take her husband’s side when his behavior is disobedient to God’s Word. But he also does not authorize a wife to actively stand against her husband anytime he is acting disobedient to God’s Word.

1 Peter 3:1-2 is clear and unambiguous. God’s rule for wives is that they remain silent in the face of their husband’s bad behavior and attempt to win their husbands “without a word” by their subjection, pure life and respect toward him.

However, God does sometimes allow for exceptions to his general rules. And 1 Samuel chapter 25 shows us an exception to the 1 Peter 3:1-2 rule for wives.

In 1 Samuel chapter 25 we see the story of Nabal and his wife Abigail. In that story David had sent to her husband Nabal asking for assistance and Nabal rudely turned away David’s men telling him he would not help him. Nasal’s wife knew that her husband was endangering the lives of their entire household by what he was doing. So she acted against her husband’s wishes and brought supplies to David and his men and asked that they would forgive the wrong actions of her husband.

This was David’s response to Abigail acting against her husband’s wishes for the protection of her family in 1 Samuel 25:32 (NASB):

“Then David said to Abigail, “Blessed be the Lord God of Israel, who sent you this day to meet me”

It is clear that God “sent” Abigail and caused her to go against her husband for the protection of her family.

Conclusion

Should husbands defend their wives? If their wife is doing what is right or she is being unjustly attacked – absolutely they should!

But the Bible shows us that a husband is not always obligated to be on his wife’s side. Sometimes it may be that he simply disagrees with a decision or action she has taken. Other times her behavior may be a clear violation of the Bible which requires him as her head to rebuke and possibly discipline her.

Should wives be on their husband’s side? As a general rule yes – even if they disagree with his decisions and actions. But what if his actions are clearly sinful?

1 Peter 3:1-2 gives us God’s rule that wives are to remain silent in the face of their husband’s sinful behavior and they are to attempt to win their husband “without a word” by their subjection, pure life and reverence toward their husband.

1 Samuel chapter 25 shows us an exception to the God’s rule in 1 Peter 3:1-2. If a woman’s husband is doing things that threaten serious harm or risks the lives of her or her children she may act against him.

This means if a woman’s husband is physically abusing her by causing permanent or life threatening injuries to her, is molesting their children or is involved in criminal activity that poses an imminent threat the wife may and should act against her husband. 

Does God call wives to sometimes remain in a marriage to an abusive husband? Yes. It very much depends on the type of abuse. Listen to my podcast series below to understand when God wants a wife to stay and when he allows her to go.

Why God Wants You To Stay In An Abusive Marriage