This article has been updated and migrated to my new blog dedicated completely to the subject of sex. You can find the updates series here
I respectfully disagree with the main idea of this post that men stick to talking about actions and concrete ideas without verbalizing their feelings because of lack effective roles models.
Men do these things because they are men, it is how we as men are designed.
The reality is that most men (not all) simply do not feel the need to attach feelings to most things in life. Men are objective by nature, and women are relational by nature. It is how God designed us.
Objectivity is what makes men better leaders and problem solvers than women often times because most men (not all) are able to separate their emotions from the task at hand which must be done.
I reject the modern concept that men need to change themselves to be more like women and women need to change themselves to more like men where in the end we have this new great unisex being.
God created us distinctively different and instead of fighting the sex differences and trying to change them we should respect and embrace these differences.
Does that mean a man should never listen to his wife’s feelings? Of course not. But does that mean a man needs to try and modify his thought processes to be more like a woman, where they attach relational aspects to each and every event? No.
Do husbands and wives need to communicate? Absolutely. Every successful relationship depends upon good communication, whether it is between a husband and wife, a child and parent, or with coworkers at work.
But good communication does not require a man to be more like a woman, and woman to be more like a man.
For instance anyone who has been in any long term relationship or married for any length of time knows that women sometimes just need to talk out their feelings. They don’t need the “problem” fixed or analyzed, they just want to talk about it. So we as men are told not to try and solve the problem but just to listen.
I believe that advice is good to a certain extent. However, sometimes a problem needs a resolution and it needs to be addressed right away, there is not time to sit around and explore “how we feel”. In this case a man needs to use his objectivity and analytical abilities to cut through the emotional fog and fix the issue.
Other times when an issue is not as urgent or it does not require “fixing” then I agree men just need to listen.
But women need to realize that when we are listening to them vent, and just supporting their venting process this can sometimes (not always) be a painful event for us as men. Our analytical brains have solved your issue 12 times over, and we feel like you may have repeated the same information 40 times. We may not have much emotionally to say except, “I am sorry they did that to you” or “I am sorry that is making you feel so bad”. Women need to accept that may be the best we can give as men.
In the same way that men can’t expect their wives to get into all their hobbies the same as their guy friends do.
With men and women there are varying degrees of emotional openness. I have shed tears in my life much more than I saw my father shed them. But it has to do with my personality. Some men are naturally more emotionally vulnerable than others. In the same way some women are more emotional than others.
I am not saying I don’t believe in personal growth either. As a Christian I believe I am called to grow each and every day. But personal growth does not mean a complete change of personality, or that I can or should make myself more like a woman, any more than a woman should be expected to be more like a man.
I am not saying it is not valuable to read books or blog articles to find out how the opposite sex thinks, and how they process the world around them. I highly encourage that. Men should read about and learn about how a woman’s thought processes work and women should about men as well. But that is not the same as modifying one gender, to be more like the other gender in their actual world outlook and brain processing.
Many of the stereotypes surrounding the male gender do not apply to all men. Yet their widespread acceptance inhibits the way men communicate. For example, not all men prefer to occupy their Sunday afternoons sitting on the couch, eating potato chips, yelling at the TV over a football game.
Traits such as having a sense of fashion, appreciating art, or knowing how to dance are often perceived as feminine and males who possess these qualities must be homosexual. Questioning the sexuality of heterosexual men based on these traits is a mentality that much of our society shares. Sexual preference is not determined by personal interest or personality.
Regardless of your sexual orientation, men tend to be confined by “social norms” or generalized based on gender (often against their will). For many generations men have been crippled by the effects of these stereotypes. For example, the belief that men have no…
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I was raised in mostly conservative Baptist complementarian churches. I even researched my complementarian views in my early 20’s (along with everything else I believed). I questioned many things, read many comparative religion books as well as writings on equal rights and feminism in particular.
I came to the conclusion that the complementarian teaching I had learned was not only Biblical, but logical as well. I believed and saw that science confirms that man and woman, though they are both human, are designed with different purposes in mind. I believed (and still believe) that freedom within the bounds of God’s laws and commands makes for the best society. God’s designed society with order. Headship in marriage and in the church gives society that order.
I believed the best place for a woman was to be in the home, but I did not believe it was wrong for a woman to pursue an education and then a career. I did not believe it was wrong for a woman to be in leadership positions of business, politics or other places of society.
That was almost 20 years ago for me (as of the time of my writing this paper). What I did not realize is that I like most Complementarians had left some big questions unanswered.
- How can a woman pursue an education and a career without neglecting her first duty to her husband, her children and her home?
- How can a woman be in a position of authority over men, even in society? She can never be her husband’s authority, he is always her authority, Biblically speaking. She can never be her father’s authority either. So for instance if a woman were to become mayor of the city she and her husband(or father) lived in, or governor of the state, they lived in, or President of the country they lived in – she would in essence be in authority over her husband – how could this be right or acceptable?
Then I came to realize that the complementarian views I had been raised with came about to soften the Bible’s teaching on the headship of man in society as feminism in American took root and these teachings became unpopular.
I realized that the complementarian beliefs that limit male headship to only the home and church were inconsistent with the Scriptures. God did not limit man’s authority over woman to only the church or the home, he meant for it to be present in the home, the church and society at large.
It is clear that God has designed a consistent pattern of authority to be followed in this world:
God the father is the authority of God the Son
God the Son is the authority of man
Man is the authority of woman
This does not change in this world. When God creates a new heaven and new earth, then this authority structure may be altered, but for now it remains.
I will talk on female prophets in another article but I will simply say this for now. A prophet does not always carry the same authority over others, sometimes they do, and sometimes they don’t. Deborah did not want to be in any authority position over men, they asked her to go with them into battle because they lacked the courage God expected of them. She even said to their shame that God would give their enemies into the hands of a woman. Deborah did not sit at the gates of the cities or go into the cities exercising authority over the people, the people simply came to her for advice as she sat under a tree outside the city gates.
Never once do we see Deborah defying her husband or taking authority over him. Never once do we hear Deborah crying for women to have equal rights with their husbands, or to be given more positions of authority in their society.
Over the last 20 years I believe God has slowly taken me through the process of removing the 20th century American lenses from my eyes. Each of us is affected by the culture we live in, the trick is to recognize the cultural influences. Not all cultural influences are bad, but at the same time not all cultural influences are good.
As Christians we have to check our cultural influences by the only perfect measuring tool and that is the Bible. For instance, the Bible talks about freedom, but freedom in the Bible is not the same as how American culture views freedom. Biblical freedom has boundaries established by God, whereas American freedom has boundaries established by our Constitution. Many of our forefathers were Christians and there is a lot of Christian influence on how our government was formed. In the declaration of Independence our forefathers talked about the equality of man and rights to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness that come not from men, but from God.
But at the end of the day – our Constitution, and by extension our culture, will allow us freedoms the Bible does not. The Bible talks about not using our liberty to engage in sinful (unbiblical) behavior:
“For you were called to be free, brothers; only don’t use this freedom as an opportunity for the flesh, but serve one another through love.”
I Peter 2:16(NASB)
“As God’s slaves, live as free people, but don’t use your freedom as a way to conceal evil.”
So no matter what freedoms our country or culture allows us, we must check that freedom with God’s Word. Let me give an example that I think Christian Feminists, Egalitarians, Complementarians and those who believe in Biblical Patriarchy. Our culture allows men and women the freedom to live together and have sex outside of marriage, the Bible does not allow this freedom.
So how does this relate to gender roles? Many egalitarians and feminists ask today as these questions:
“How is it fair that man gets to pursue a career and woman must stay home to take care of her small children?”
“Why can they not share the duties of provision and care taking? Is she not as free as he is to pursue a career?”
The answer to both these questions is that woman does not have the same freedoms and responsibilities as man. She does not have the same freedoms, or responsibilities her husband has. She does not have the freedom to usurp authority over her husband, or man in general. She does not have the freedom to leave her responsibilities of caring for her children and her home to others so she can pursue a career.
Likewise, a man does have the freedom to leave his responsibility to provide and stay home and be a Mr. Mom. I know Mr. Moms exist, but this is completely and utterly unbiblical for man. It just as wrong for man to do this as it is for a woman to leave her infant child with others (even her husband) to pursue a career. A man does not have the freedom to abandon his responsibility to lead the home to his wife. Even if his wife is more intelligent and talented then him, he must still exercise leadership. He should lean on his wife for advice like any other man should, but at the end of the day the leadership of the home is always his, he is not free to give this up.
A man does not have the freedom to not protect his family. If his family is threaten, he is to be the first line of defense in front of his wife and children, God hates cowardly behavior.
I am not against a woman working, woman have worked since the beginning of mankind. But women in the Bible only worked outside the home for small amounts of time and their focus was always on their home, not what they did outside their home. If they had a business, like making clothes and linens, this was done from the home while they care for their children and home, they did not have careers outside the home like women today.
Speaking of freedoms, not only does the Bible sometimes not allow something that our cultural may allow, but sometimes it allows or grants rights or freedoms that our cultural does not allow. For example, I have the right to worship God as I believe he would have me do, and no Government has the right to stop me from worshiping as I will. Daniel prayed to God even though it might mean his death, we are called to do the same. We are told in these instances, that we are to obey God rather than man.
I believe God has given man the right of self-defense. So I have the right to defend my family, with firearms or whatever I think is right, even if the government tries to take those things away.
I was hesitant to reveal this next freedom I believe we have to this site. The reason is I don’t want it to be a distraction and I know a lot of Christians(most modern Christians), even complementarians and many Biblical Patriarchy advocates will disagree with me this. What I am talking about is Polygamy, or more specifically Polygyny. This is when a man has more than one wife. I realize just the discussion of this brings up all kinds of feelings in both men and women, but I would strongly argue that this is because of the culture we have been brought up in. In other cultures this is perfectly acceptable to both men and women.
As I said previously culture does not determine what is right or wrong, God does. The point of this site is not to promote polygamy, I am in monogamous marriage and intend to stay that way. My wife and I talked about my views of marriage, sexuality and even polygamy before we were married. She knows my views, and she agreed with them. We just agreed we were not going to practice polygamy, but that the practice itself is not wrong. We do not condemn the Biblical Patriarchs for their polygamous lifestyles and we believe it was allowed and even blessed by God. It was regulated in the Law of Moses.
The reason I bring up polygamy, even knowing the extremely negative connotation it has in our society, because you cannot have an honest discussion about how God has designed men and women, and more specifically man’s nature, without bringing up man’s polygamous nature.
Do I think a Christian man can successfully live in monogamous relationship even though I believe God designed him with a polygamous nature? Of course it’s possible and I and many other Christian men who live in monogamous Christian marriages are proof of that. But Christian men need their wives to understand their polygamous nature, in order to help the husbands have a successful monogamous relationship.
I will have more to say on this in a separate post. I truly hope and pray, that those of you reading this will not write off everything I have to say because you believe polygamy to be disgusting and against God’s design for marriage. I hope you will read what I have to say on the subject and hear me out first.
Even if you still disagree in the end, there is still a lot of Biblical truth on this site about God’s design for man and woman. Much of the struggles we have in our culture today is because we refuse to accept how God had designed man and woman. We tell men they should be more like women, and women they should be like men. We infuse our cultural values on the Bible and we refuse to take off our 20th century American lenses and see the Bible as it is, not as our culture would have it. I hope and pray you will open you mind and be able to recognize some of these truths.
The relationship between Feminism and Socialism
It is no coincidence that the rise of Feminism and Socialism in America came about at the same time. Socialists knew that they could tug on the heart strings of women more than men who were guided by logic more than emotion. After women pressured their husbands to vote for women’s suffrage a never ending flood of socialist policies were passed because of women’s votes. Instead of following sound economic, military and moral polices, we are now a nation led by the motto – “If it feels good, we should do it”.
I know many Christians, both conservative and liberal, who don’t believe Christians need to be involved in politics. They think we should just reserve all our energy and ability for our churches and communities and leave politics to others. Others take the position that our vote does not matter anymore since our own supposedly conservative politicians have let us down so many times. I reject both of these positions.
The Bible says:
“Therefore to him that knoweth to do good, and doeth it not, to him it is sin.”
Fighting for what is morally right, from a Biblical perspective, is not an option for a Christian. It is his sacred duty. Even if sometimes we feel that we are in the minority, we must always fight for what is right, not necessarily what is popular.
I teach my children to be very active in politics and we regularly watch the news together and we discuss politics in light of the Bible as well as our founding father’s original intentions. But as important as it is to be involved as Christian in politics, at the end of the day we must realize that our ultimate salvation is not in the Republican Party, or even in the Tea Party, but it is in God.
We need strong Christian men to take a stand against Feminism
The remedy to this is strong Christian men. Men need to take back our society from feminism. As Christian men, we need to look for Proverbs 31 women, whose value is more than rubies. As believers the Bible tells us that we need to marry believers.
“Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness? What harmony is there between Christ and Belial? Or what does a believer have in common with an unbeliever?”
I Corinthians 6:14-15(NIV)
But the sad reality is that many Christian women today have bought into the lies of feminism. Christian men need to look for women who want to put their husbands, children and home first and work outside the home comes second to these things. They need to RUN from women who want to give the majority of their time, talent and energy to a career and who want to leave their mothering and home care duties to others.
I realize in America that this is a tall order as the majority of women here are either moderately feminist, or extremely feminist. I don’t think men need to give up on American Christian women, but they need to search hard as there still are many gems out there. There are some good Christian dating sites that allow Christian men to find women who share their Christian values. Eventually though some men will have to look to other, less westernized nations where Christian women still embrace their God given role in the home.
Fathers can make the most impact on our nation
I know of many great Godly mothers who raise their daughters to follow God’s design for their life, to find a husband, get married and have lots of kids.
“I will therefore that the younger women marry, bear children, guide the house, give none occasion to the adversary to speak reproachfully.”
I Timothy 5:14(KJV)
They teach their daughters to respect their husbands, they teach their sons to love their wives, and they help to build the strong Christian families we need.
But sadly in many homes in this country, even in Christian homes, both conservative and liberal, women are not following God’s design for their lives. They put their careers before their husbands and they look at children as burden rather than a blessing. If they do want kids, they have one or two, under the guise of “being able to give them a better life”. When the child is a couple months old they drop the infant off in daycare with strangers and leave their God given duty of mothering to others. They give the majority of their time and talents to strangers, rather than their husbands, their children and their homes.
The reason I brought up men looking for good Christian wives who embrace their Biblical helpmeet role is that it will make their job as a husband and father much easier. When you are married to a woman who embraces God’s design for man and woman, you are both teaching your kids the same things and you have a much better chance of your children following those things as you and your wife model them for them.
But whether a man is married to a woman who is surrendered to God’s design for her life, or if he is married to a feminist who rejects God’s gender roles – his task is still to lead his home. He may not ever be able to change his feminist wife’s attitude, but he is to exercise his leadership whether she follows him or not.
The women that a man is called by God to have the most influence on, especially in teaching and molding to follow God’s design for their lives, is his wife and his daughters.
But while I do believe husbands are called to teach and help mold their wives, the reality is, if their wife is a feminist believer it will be very difficult to change that entrenched mindset.
I do not think we as Christian men should purposefully marry feminist women in order to attempt to change them. However the fact is many Christian men find themselves married to feminist Christian women due to a lapse in judgement on their part. Lets face it, we as men can be blinded by our sexual attraction to a woman in the same way that a good Christian woman can be blinded by the flattering words of a man.
In this case if you wake up one day and realize “I married a Christian feminist!” there are still some things you can do. In fact God expects you to do everything in your power to help your wife escape the sinful ways of feminism.
Some Christians falsely claim that all a Christian husband can do is pray for his wife and don’t get me wrong I believe in the power of prayer. But would we say the same thing about a rebellious child? No. We would say that a parent should do everything in their power to drive that rebellion from the child and only after they have exhausted everything in their power then they leave that child in the hands of God.
It is no different with a wife – for more on dealing with a rebellious wife see my post 7 ways to discipline your wife.
But in the end a wife can still reject the prodding of both her husband and the Holy Spirit of God and often women do because of years of cultural conditioning that has convinced them of their feminist views.
So this leaves daughters. Even more than men’s wives, most men can have a powerful influence on their daughters. Fathers can influence and teach their daughters, not only in word but in example. Even if their mother is a feminist, a father can fight against this influence by disciplining and loving their mother and still exercising leadership. If a man is trying to lead his family in a loving way, and mom is constantly bucking at him trying to lead, a daughter will see this.
It is all in how the man reacts. If he reacts to his wife in an unchristian matter, than the daughter will learn nothing. But if he reacts in a weak manner, or yields control to her mother, his daughter may eventually come to see her mother’s feminism as a positive thing. But if he reacts in a firm, yet respectful way toward her mother, his daughter will learn and admire the strength a man is supposed to have.
Men not only need to demonstrate the strength and leadership God has called them to, but they also need to show their daughters the love and affection they need. They need to constantly find ways of teaching them about the world, and how God wants them to live their lives. They need to show their daughters the value of being a wife and mom, and help them to understand that only by accepting God’s design for their lives, will they find true happiness and contentment.
I have four sons and one daughter. My daughter is now a teenager. From the moment she was born, I realized I was raising another man’s wife and the future mother of his children. God has given me a temporary stewardship over her, and one day I will give her hand to another man.
I believe if more men had the courage to teach their daughters the wrongs of feminism, both from the Bible and from examples in the world we could turn this nation and the world around.
When men and women accept the roles for which God has designed them, we will have a stronger and more moral society. We will have stronger marriages, and as result we will have stronger families. With stronger families we will have stronger churches, schools, communities and ultimately a stronger nation.
Is it important how we raise our sons as well? Of course it is! See my post “16 Ways to Instill Biblical Masculinity in your Sons” for Scriptural leading in this very important area.
But I firmly believe we would have a lot less dead beat dads, and men who were unwilling to marry and take on the role of husband and father if there were more women who embraced their Biblical and biological design. If men knew they could find a wife who would respect them, follow them, love them more than herself, and embrace her place in the home then many more men would head to the marriage altar.
It is very common in modern American culture to refer to one’s spouse as their “partner”. Even one of the definitions of partner according to Webster’s online dictionary is: “someone’s husband or wife or the person someone has sexual relations with”.
But often times what is read into “partner” is a “partnership of equals”, like two people who own a business together. They must agree on all decisions and if they don’t then have to go to court to settle their differences. This idea of marriage being a “partnership of equals” does not have any Biblical support whatsoever.
Take for instance the translation of the NIV:
Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect as the weaker partner and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayers.
I Peter 3:7
I am not a KJV Only person. I quote from the KJV a lot on my site (if there is no version by a verse then it is KJV) but I also will quote from other versions like the NASB and sometimes I quote from the NIV. But the NIV really takes liberties with some passages and translations especially when it comes to gender and marriage and this is one of them.
Nothing in the original language(Greek) of this verse says anything about the wife being the weaker “partner”. The literal rendering is “weaker vessel”. Here is the KJV version of this verse:
Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honour unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered.
I Peter 3:7
“Vessel” is referring to her body, including her emotional state. A woman’s emotion can sometimes be her greatest asset, and at other times her own greatest enemy. A man has to use wisdom in listening to his wife and understanding her insights. She is also weaker physically, but a man should never treat his wife with disrespect because she is the weaker vessel, instead he should honor her for the position that God has given her as his wife and the mother of his children.
This passage, rather than teaching equality in marriage, teaches that man and woman are equal heirs of the grace of God, men don’t get more grace then women, and women don’t get more grace then men. God loves us equally, and Jesus Christ died for men and women the same. In our souls men and women are completely equal.
Our vessels however –are not equal. Just as woman is the “weaker vessel”, man is the stronger vessel.
Rather than being a partnership of equals, marriage is actually a hierarchy which reflects God’s design in creation. In this same passage in I Peter just before God speaks to husbands about the proper treatment of their wives he speaks to wives about the behavior he expects them to have toward their husbands:
Likewise, ye wives, be in subjection to your own husbands; that, if any obey not the word, they also may without the word be won by the conversation of the wives;While they behold your chaste conversation coupled with fear.
Whose adorning let it not be that outward adorning of plaiting the hair, and of wearing of gold, or of putting on of apparel; But let it be the hidden man of the heart, in that which is not corruptible, even the ornament of a meek and quiet spirit, which is in the sight of God of great price.
For after this manner in the old time the holy women also, who trusted in God, adorned themselves, being in subjection unto their own husbands: Even as Sara obeyed Abraham, calling him lord: whose daughters ye are, as long as ye do well, and are not afraid with any amazement.
Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honour unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered.
I Peter 3:1-7
A wife is to “be in subjection” to her husband and have a “meek and quiet spirit”. She is to follow Sarah’s example who obeyed her husband and called him “lord”. This does not paint a “partnership of equals”, but rather a leader and follower, a master and servant relationship, a hierarchy.
But obviously this is no ordinary hierarchy, because it is also a relationship based on love. Ephesians 5 beautifully shows how marriage is a hierarchical relationship that must be bathed in love:
Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord.
For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the saviour of the body. Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing.
Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it; That he might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word,
That he might present it to himself a glorious church, not having spot, or wrinkle, or any such thing; but that it should be holy and without blemish.
So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself. For no man ever yet hated his own flesh; but nourisheth and cherisheth it, even as the Lord the church:
For we are members of his body, of his flesh, and of his bones. For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall be joined unto his wife, and they two shall be one flesh.
This is a great mystery: but I speak concerning Christ and the church. Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife see that she reverence her husband.
So again we can see the clear teaching that husbands are the head of their wives. God created a beautiful picture in marriage of the relationship between God and his people. Man is symbolic of God in marriage, and woman is symbolic of the people of God. Man is called to lead his wife as Christ leads the church and the wife is called to submit to her husband as the Church submits to Christ.
The scriptures are clear – marriage is a patriarchy (male lead), not a partnership.
If marriage could be compared to anything I believe a sports team would be a much better comparison. The husband and father would be the like the coach, the wife and mother would be like the team captain. The coach sets the polices and calls the plays, and the team captain carries out those polices on the field (the home) with the other players (the children). Just as a team captain has authority over the other players, so too the mother has delegated authority from the father over the children. Just as a team captain can influence a coach’s decisions, so too a wife and mom should be able to influence her coach’s (her husband’s) decisions.
We live in a world that is doing everything it can to deny the gifts that God has given to man. And I don’t mean mankind, but male human beings. Men are not superior to women, yet they have many superior abilities when compared to women. For several decades it was politically incorrect even to discuss these differences between men and women. But we do not need a scientific study to show what has always been right before our very eyes.
It is great though that with new MRI technology we can now verify differences in how men’s brains work from women’s. Not only can we see and observe the differences from the outside, but now we can see them on the inside as well in the most complex organ of the human body, the brain.
There are many non-Christian scientists and psychologists today that can no longer follow the politically correct agenda of feminists and egalitarians. More and more scientists and studies are verifying the vastly different physiological and psychological differences between the sexes.
Men are different from women. They are equal only in their common membership in the same species, humankind. To maintain that they are the same in aptitude, skill or behavior is to build a society based on a biological and scientific lie.
– Anne Moir and David Jessel (pg. 30 “Brain Sex: The Real Difference Between Men and Women”)
As Christians we applaud and agree with the finding of these differences. Our only disagreements come when we talk about the source of these differences, evolution versus the intelligent design of our God and creator.
Superior, inferior or just different?
Before I go further into this I want to say a few more things about what has become a controversial topic – mainly the FACT that men have some superior abilities to women in many areas.
If you give this blog a fair reading, you will see I do not hate women. I do hate, and I believe God also hates, the ideology of feminism. It seems today like every time some study comes out that women are better at this or that than men – everybody is applauding it from the rooftops.
But in our society we are not allowed to say men are better than women at anything and anytime it is brought up excuses are made and it is simply a “cultural” thing, otherwise women will always be equal to or excel past men – or so we are told. On the rare occasion that women can’t deny a male advantage in something, then they just say “so what” and want you to shut up.
This site will make no apologies for giving glory to God’s marvelous design of man (and I mean males). There is a difference in saying “men are awesome, and women stink” and saying “men are superior to women in certain ways”. The fact is, in many ways women are inferior to men, but so too men are also inferior to women in some ways. To say so is not rude, or mean, it is simply a Biblical fact that is backed up by science.
There are some things about men and women that aren’t an issue of being superior or inferior to the other – they are just about differences. An example of this would be the different ways men and women approach sexuality. One is not superior to the other, but they are different, and complementary.
But I don’t think we are being fully truthful when we say that a man having 50% more strength than a woman is just a “difference”. No way! It’s a superior capability. When I talk about how woman is superior to man I will gladly acknowledge that women have superior hearing and color-perception to men; again, it is not a difference, it is a superiority!
With all that said as an introduction, I will begin our discussion of how God made man superior to woman with this verse:
14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.
– Psalm 139:14 (NIV)
Men are superior to women in strength, endurance and athletics
God made man taller and stronger than woman. In the United States men are typically 6 inches taller than women. Men on average have 40% more upper body strength and 33% more lower body strength than women. Men are much leaner than women with typically 50% less body fat than the average woman carries in her body. Of course there are exceptions where a man may have very little muscle mass and a woman has more muscle mass, but these are just that – exceptions. Both science and general observation show that men are typically larger and more muscular than women without working out or doing anything artificially to change their bodies.
There is a popular misconception that women have a higher tolerance to pain than men because of the horrendous pain they endure before, during and sometimes even after childbirth. But that is actually a myth.
“This study has serious implications about how we treat women after surgery as well as women who experience chronic pain…. Because women have more nerve receptors, they may experience pain more powerfully than men, requiring different surgical techniques, treatments or medicine dosages to help manage their pain and make them feel comfortable.”
– Dr. Bradon Wilhelmi, a member of the American Society of Plastic Surgeons
Not only do men have less nerve receptors in their skin (so they feel less pain), but their skin is also up to 25% thicker than women’s. Men not only have thicker skin, but they also have better clotting ability which makes their wounds heal faster. Men also have stronger bones, tendons and ligaments.
Men are more aggressive and competitive than women
A male’s major sex hormone, testosterone, impacts his behavior…testosterone is the hormone most associated with male aggressiveness, competitiveness, and assertiveness…. Furthermore competitiont raises testosterone levels and rivalry fuels aggression. For example, the testosterone levels among athletes are actually highest at the end of a competition rather than at the beginning…
Testosterone also helps a man focus on a project, competition, mission or venture…. Researchers at Georgia State University found that the “high performers” tested in each field (business leaders, politicians, sportsmen, and the like) had higher levels of testosterone.
– Dr. Walt Larimore, MD (pg. 42 “His Brain, Her Brain”)
When we take into account that men have superior strength, stamina and sensory motor skills along with a built-in desire to compete and be aggressive, it is no surprise that the vast majority of the best athletes in the world are men.
Professional sports is an area in which we want to see nothing but the best. The WNBA gets a tiny fraction of the audience that the NBA does. And no, it’s not cultural! Common sense, and a general observation of the world around us tells us it’s more fun to watch men play sports than women, men are the best athletes – period.
Men’s aggressive and competitive natures, along with their tendency to take more risks makes men highly suited to starting up new businesses or managing businesses. Again, this is the primary reason why even today, generations after the rise of feminism, men still heavily dominate the entrepreneurial and management aspects of the business world.
The state of our military today is a sad story. We have allowed the politicians to force the military commanders to allow women in combat. I don’t care about what the liberal mouth-piece generals say when they put them on TV. A man’s body is vastly superior when it comes to combat. You put that woman on the front lines in battle and you are going to get a lot of men killed when they go out of their way to protect her, or she is just going to get killed. This is yet another common sense thing, which any person, educated or otherwise can see with their own eyes. It would be funny if it were not so sad and pathetic.
In summing up this section, we can see the fact that God has designed man larger, stronger and tougher than woman to naturally equip him for the protection and provision roles he has assigned to man. If only our world would regain some of the common sense it used to have and acknowledge what is right in front of their very eyes.
The denial of God’s unique design of man and woman is not just some disagreement. It is a fundamental doctrine taught all throughout the Scriptures, and it is wickedness and foolishness to deny the creator’s design and plan when he made man and woman.
18 The wrath of God is being revealed from heaven against all the godlessness and wickedness of people, who suppress the truth by their wickedness, 19 since what may be known about God is plain to them, because God has made it plain to them….
21 For although they knew God, they neither glorified him as God nor gave thanks to him, but their thinking became futile and their foolish hearts were darkened. 22 Although they claimed to be wise, they became fools…
– Romans 1:18-19 & 21b-22 (NIV)
Men are superior to women in STEM fields (science, technology, engineering, and mathematics)
Psychological tests also reveal patterns of sex difference. On average, males finish faster and score higher than females on a test that requires the taker to visualize an object’s appearance after it is rotated in three dimensions. The same is true for map-reading tests, and for embedded-figures tests, which ask subjects to find a component shape hidden within a larger design. Males are over-represented in the top percentiles on college-level math tests and tend to score higher on mechanics tests than females do.
…males on average have a stronger drive to systemize, and females to empathize. Systemizing involves identifying the laws that govern how a system works….
– Dr. Simon Baron-Cohen, Cambridge University
A man’s brain is made to systemize things, to analyze, construct and explore. When we accept that God gave men some superior abilities to women in these areas then it will come as no shock that 73% of computer scientists are men. We won’t cry “discrimination” when we hear that six out of seven engineers are men.
I have worked in software development for about 15 years. I would agree that probably 1 in 4 software developers are women. The honest truth is though, most of the female developers I have worked with (even with them representing about 1 in 4 developers) were not always as good at problem-solving as the men. That is not to say there are not some very sharp female developers. I have one in mind who I worked with several years ago who was a great problem-solver. And anyone in the hacker area knows there are some genius-level hackers that are female. So my point is not to say that no woman can compete with a man in the area of computer technology, or any other STEM field. The point is there are far, far fewer women that can compete with men in this area; it is not a matter of discrimination, it is just a matter of how God distributes his gifts.
I would bet though, that the women who are great at programming or other technology use different parts of their brain to do what they do than what men do. So I would still agree that a man’s brain is naturally wired for these STEM fields, and a woman’s brain if she is good at them will be sort of “hotwired”, uniquely wired differently than the average woman and it allows her to do these types of technical jobs.
A man’s drive to systemize will manifest itself in many different ways depending on the man. Some men have a need to systemize mechanical things and that’s why they love working on cars or fixing things around the house. Other men love to systemize things by exploring their world whether in traveling to exotic lands or mountain-climbing or other dangerous endeavors. Still other men utilize their systemizing abilities in a much less physical way, and a more cerebral one. Some men want to explore and systemize the world around them through religion, politics, philosophy, science, and technology. One cross-over area that men of many different backgrounds like is video games. Video games allow men to systemize, compete and conquer. It is no wonder that the vast majority of video gamers are men.
There are more highly intelligent men than highly intelligent women
While men and women have about the same average IQ (according to intelligence testing), men vary much more than women do. What that means is there are more men at each spectrum of intelligence than women (below average and above average). However, after crossing the average intelligence threshold the amount of men who have above average IQs begins to dominate the women, bringing us to the point where there are eight genius-level IQ men to every one woman genius.
When we accept the strengths that God has given man in his brain, then we are not shocked to discover that there are eight male geniuses to every one female genius. We don’t say “the survey must be wrong”, or “it’s just a cultural thing” – NO! We accept it is how God made man.
Men are built for conquest and leadership
These biological differences are critical for women to understand because boys, and the men they grow up to be, have brains that are built to be more aggressive, more impulsive, and more assertive–their design is to earn their self-worth. They are compelled to discover their calling and meaning in life. They are made to conquer the world around them, and they begin their conquests at a surprisingly early age… By six months of age, boys are far less fearful than girls, and “fearlessness” is associated with levels of testosterone (the higher level of testosterone, the higher the level of “fearlessness”); by thirteen months, boys are demonstrably more aggressive and assertive than girls; and by thirty-six months, boys dominate mixed-gender groups of children.
– Dr. Walt Larimore, MD (pg. 116 “His Brain, Her Brain”)
The first question a man usually asks another man when they meet for the first time is, “What do you do?” …most men identify themselves by their work. God created men to “do” something in the field. Watch young boys as they pick up sticks and turn them into imaginary guns or tools. Recently a mother told us she had prevented her son from having any toy guns or using sticks as pretend rifles, but when he made his cheese sandwich into the form of a pistol and was shooting a friend, she cried out in exasperation, “I give up!”
Mothers should never give up because this is simply part of a boy’s nature. He is called to be a hunter, a worker, a doer. He wants to make his conquest in the field of life. The academic term for this is the “instrumentality of the male.” From childhood there is something in a male that makes him like adventure and conquest. He wants to go into the field to hunt or to work some way.
– Dr. Emerson Eggerichs (pg. 168 “Love and Respect”)
Men are built to conquer the world around them. They are built to lead, and boys follow boys and stop following girls at a very young age. Men find their value in what they do, in what they accomplish. As we previously established, men are systemizers, and the best place for they to systemize is out in the world. I believe it is Biblical that a woman’s place is in the home: not saying she can never go out, but that caring for the needs of her husband, her children and her home should be the focus of her life.
However, it would be Biblically, and even biologically correct to say that a man is the polar opposite in this area. A man’s place is outside the home – hunting, working, achieving, exploring, building and yes, even fighting. Some men are built to be warriors, whether on the athletic field or on the battlefield.
Mothers need to respect and help channel their boys’ God-given need for conquest and not try to make their sons more like their daughters. Wives need to respect their husbands’ need for achievement, to work, and to make his mark on the world.
So mom, when you see your little boys playing cops and robbers – let them! When you see them wrestling, let them! When your boy wants a toy gun for his birthday, get it for him? When he wants a shooter video game, let him! With some of the violent shootings in the last decade parents have been paranoid about letting their little boys play with guns and shooter video games.
Let me help you with something – those people who did those shootings did not do what they did because of playing with toy guns or video games as a child. There is one of two reasons mass shootings occur. One is because of parental neglect, or verbal or physical abuse that warped the child’s mind. The other reason is one we don’t like to accept in this day and age. Some children are raised with two loving parents, and maybe even a mom who took care of them when they were little. They are simply born evil and sadistic and psychotic, plain and simple.
If men are wired for conquest and leadership, should men also be involved in the home and with their family? Absolutely! Are there times when a man is called to sacrifice his job because it is hurting his family? Yes. But while men need to be good husbands and fathers, they also have a drive and need to make their mark on the world, and the woman who ignores this, or tries to downplay this as selfishness, does so to her own peril.
Men have a deep need for respect
A man’s need for conquest, to work and to achieve is also directly related to his need for respect. I really appreciated when Dr. Emerson Eggerichs came out with his book “Love and Respect”. He may not have been the first author in recent decades to talk about a man’s need for respect, but the fact that he focused basically half a book to it was great.
Men and women both need love and respect, but God has wired man so that respect is his first need and the emotional side of love is secondary to that. If a man feels disrespected by his colleagues or especially his wife and children, this will cause him a great deal of pain and he will most likely react in very negative ways towards disrespect.
When a woman accepts and appreciates her husband’s need for respect, she will most likely see a transformation in her marriage. Women who take the attitude that “I will respect him when I think he has earned it” will never experience the full happiness in marriage that is possible if they would just show him the respect that he needs.
Men are wired to be the primary provider for the home
God has made man with a built-in desire to be the primary provider for his family. If his wife has a more successful career than him, in many marriages it eventually destroys the marriage. His self-respect, as well as his wife’s self-respect is tied to his ability to be the primary provider (the one who makes the most money). It is not uncommon for men who become disabled (and their wives are forced to support the family) to become very depressed; it violates the man’s nature down to his very core.
This is not some simple pride thing as some feminists have tried to say, but a built-in desire given by God in men. It would be the same as woman’s built-in desire to have children (often times called her “biological clock”).
Well into feminism’s second generation, there are finally a significant number of women reaching parity with the men in their fields–not to mention surpassing them–and winning the salary, bonuses, and perks that signify their arrival… Yet this proud professional achievement often seems to have unhappy consequences at home.
Neither the newly liberated alpha women nor their shell-shocked beta spouses seem comfortable with the role reversal.
According to psychologists (and divorce lawyers) who see couples struggling with such changes, many relationships follow the same patter. First, the wife starts to lose respect for her husband, then he begins to feel emasculated, and then sex dwindles to a full stop.
Suppose that both men and women are happier – all else being equal – the more money their spouse makes. In such a world, couples wouldn’t care whether the man or woman earns more, so the population of couples would have what we call a “normal distribution,” and would be captured in a bell-shaped curve. But that’s not what we see in the real-world data.
Instead, there is a sharp drop in the number of male-female couples at exactly the point where the woman starts to earn more than half of household income.
This finding supports earlier research from speed-dating sessions, which found that while women prefer men to be intelligent and ambitious, men have these preferences for women only to the point where women threaten to earn more than they do.
Aversion to wives earning more than husbands could be leading to fewer weddings and more divorces, according to a National Bureau of Economic Research working paper released this month by Marianne Bertrand and Emir Kamenica, University of Chicago Booth School of Business economists, and Jessica Pan at the National University of Singapore.
Compiling results from surveys taken by the U.S. Census Bureau and by the Labor Department, the reserachers came to several conclusions. One was that marriage rates decline as the probability that a woman earns more than a man increases.
Even people that are in favor of feminist changes in our society see the problems. We just disagree about the causes and the solution. Both sides agree that men are generally not attracted to women who are smarter or make more money than them, and when they do get with a woman who becomes more successful it usually takes a terrible toll on the marriage.
Feminist advocates just argue it’s caused by a culture that says men need to be the primary breadwinner. In their view it is just about changing hearts and minds and then men and women will all live together in a wonderful utopia. Those of us who oppose these feminist changes will maintain that it is something that is wired biologically into men, and if it is biological, no amount of social brain-washing of men will change this.
Marriage rates are declining, while divorce rates stay close to 50 percent. Divorce rates have slightly declined from their high in the 1980s. But what is not mentioned is that one of the contributing factors to the divorce-rate decline is that people are just not marrying as much as they used to. Couples are just cohabitng much more. I would argue that if we could get good studies on the breakup rate of long-term cohabiting couples and then combine that with divorce rates, we would go well beyond the 50-percent divorce rate we had in the 1980s.
Either way you slice it, most relationships between men and women do not work well when the wife is more intelligent and makes more money than the husband. In the rare instances where it does work, I guarantee you will find a feminine man who is low on testosterone, or a man who had a domineering and aggressive mother who beat his father down. Even in relationships where a man is forced to stay home because he is disabled, if he is honest he will tell you it drives him nuts that his wife has to support the family. It does not just go against our cultural values, but it goes against male biology itself.
Men are built to compartmentalize
None of us will ever agree with everything in a marriage book. But the book “Men Are Like Waffles – Women Are Like Spaghetti” is still a great book and I highly recommend it. The very title of the book, as well as their other descriptions in the book, gives a great picture of the different ways a man’s brain works from a woman’s brain.
If you look down at a waffle, you see a collection of boxes separated by walls. The boxes are all separate from each other and make convenient holding places. That is typically how a man processes life. Our thinking is divided up into boxes that have room for one issue and one issue only…. The typical man lives in one box at a time and one box only. When a man is at work, he is at work. When he is in the garage tinkering around, he is in the garage tinkering. When he is watching TV, he is simply watching TV. That is why he looks as though he is in a trance and can ignore everything else going on around him. Social scientists call this “compartmentalizing”–that is, putting life and responsibilities into different compartments.
As a result, men are problem solvers by nature. They enter a box, size up the “problem,” and formulate a solution….
In contrast to men’s waffle-like approach, women process life more like a plate of pasta. If you look at a plate of spaghetti, you notice that there are lots of individual noodles that all touch one another. If you attempted to follow one noodle around the plate, you would intersect a lot of other noodles, and you might even switch to another noodle seamlessly. That is how women face life. Every thought and issue is connected to every other thought and issue in some way. Life is much more of a process for women than it is for men.
This is why women are typically better at multitasking than men. She can talk on the phone, prepare a meal, make a shopping list, work on the agenda for tomorrow’s business meeting, give instructions to her children as they are going out to play, and close the door with her foot without skipping a beat. Because all her thoughts, emotions, and convictions are connected, she is able to process more information and keep track of more activites.
– Bill & Pam Farrel (pg. 11, 13 “Men Are Like Waffles–Women Are Life Spaghetti”)
Bill and Pam Farrel did an amazing job with this illustration of how men and women process life differently. Are there exceptions where some men may be great at multitasking? Of course there are. But the vast majority (I would safely say 90%) of men are exactly as Bill and Pam describe. We will cover God’s design for women in a separate paper, but their description of how women process the world is spot on as well.
Conclusion and Application
Whether you are a Christian reading this, or a non-Christian I invite you to examine the evidence both from biology as well as your own general observations of human behavior. Will there be exceptions? Yes. There are some men who have behaviors and abilities that more mimic the typical woman, and there are some women who have behaviors and abilities that more mirror the typical man. But these are rare.
As believers we have a source of truth that not only confirms the differences we see in biology and typical gender behaviors, but it also gives a reason for the differences. It gives us a purpose, if we will only believe and accept it.
To the men I say, will you accept how God has made you? Will you accept the purpose for your differences and use them in accordance with his plan? Will you lead your families, protect your families and provide for your families even if your abilities are not as strong as other men in various areas? Will you pray to God to strengthen your weaknesses?
To the women I say, will you accept how God has made men?
Moms – will you accept that it is ok that your boys are more aggressive than your girls? Will you accept your little boy’s need to compete, his need to conquer the world around him? Will you resist the ungodly world’s call to feminize him, to soften him or to emasculate him?
Wives – will you accept your husband’s God-given need to lead you, protect you and provide for you? Will you stop trying to compete with him, and just complete him with the unique gifts God has given you as a woman?
We must all accept that God has built man to systemize, to compartmentalize, to conquer and to compete. Accept that a man needs to be respected, even before his need for love. Accept the differences God has made, and do not try to minimize them or ignore them. Our world is doing that now, to our own destruction.
You may have noticed I left out a huge area of God’s design of man, and that is his sexuality. I have opted to cover that in a completely separate paper because I really don’t believe I can do it justice in just a few paragraphs. Look for a separate post on human sexuality coming soon.