Would you leave your husband because he looks at other women?

“My Christian marriage is now “no more” because of the “staring” at other females that was going on in it.” This was part of a comment I received from a woman named Ellie in reaction to a series I wrote entitled “How should Christian women respond to their men looking at other women?

Here is Ellie’s full story.

Ellie’s Story

“My Christian marriage is now “no more” because of the “staring” at other females that was going on in it. In my opinion it is about one thing and one thing only…RESPECT…or lack of. I made my needs very clear.” Please stop doing that. I don’t like it because I don’t know what you are thinking when you are doing it.” We had prayer, promises, lengthy discussions lots of hurt and mistrust and anger (sin on my part) and after 18 months of more of the same.

I unceremoniously asked him to go.

A woman at our church who always showed an unhealthy interest in him showed him sympathy and then came the adultery. Oh joy. His excuse was that I threw him out and left him for dead.

Enough said. So as you can see. It is a very sore point with me.

Before my husband I met a lovely man but I chose not to marry him as he didn’t know the Lord. He did however know how to respect me in that I never once saw him looking or even glancing at other women. He may have done when alone but not when with me. He wasn’t asexual or homosexual or bi-sexual or similar. What he was, was RESPECTFUL.

I am currently separated from my husband but still married on paper. It’s a complete mess and it all started with staring. I am adjusting to life alone now. Being with a man who has such a lack of self-control just led me into sin. Anger suspicion bitterness resentment. I am more effective for God as a single woman I feel. I was very aware that my husband had body image issues and felt unhappy and I would never openly stare or glance at another guy as I know that it would fuel his insecurities. It’s a shame he couldn’t have the same awareness and respect.

I prefer to stay alone that be with any man who does this.

There you have it. Thank you for your article.”

My Response to Ellie and other Christian women who may face this situation

Based on this story from Ellie these 4 things happened:

  1. Ellie admitted that she reacted in sinful anger toward her husband for his behavior of staring at other women.
  2. Ellie separated from her husband because of this continued behavior.
  3. Ellie’s husband had an affair with a woman at his church.
  4. Ellie has resolved to remain single rather than going back to her husband.

Ellie’s husband’s sin

Before we tackle Ellie’s behavior in this situation we must will first acknowledge her husband’s sin.

On the issue of staring at other women – was he actually gawking or glancing? For some women a man taking quick glances of the women around him qualifies as “staring” when it really is not. So was he really staring or just glancing at women? We may never know for sure.

But let’s assume the worst case and he was actually standing around gawking at women.  If he did then this could have been considered rude and thus sinful behavior on his part.  As we have discussed often on this site there is no sin in a man simply looking at other women.  It is when men act rudely in how they do this that it can become sin.  Even if they are not gawking if they their looking turns into lust (sexual covetousness) then it can also be sin as well.

See my posts on “What does the Bible say about lust?” and my series on ““How should Christian women respond to their men looking at other women?” for more on this topic of men looking at women from a Biblical perspective.

Certainly what her husband did in having an affair with a woman at their church after she kicked him out was sin.  Even if her husband felt abandoned by his wife this did not justify his whore-mongering (having sex with a woman outside of marriage).

Ellie’s sin

By her own admission Ellie admits that she was driven to sinful anger over her husband’s staring at other women.

But the truth is there is much more to Ellie’s sin that this.  Even if her husband was truly standing around gawking at other women and acting in rude ways she is NOT his authority and he is not accountable to her for this.  He is accountable to God.

The Bible does not say “Christian wives when your husband does sinful things – badger him about it continually and demand that he stop whatever the offending behavior is.”   In fact the Bible says just the opposite in regard to wives dealing with husbands who are disobedient to God’s Word:

“1 In the same way, you wives, be submissive to your own husbands so that even if any of them are disobedient to the word, they may be won without a word by the behavior of their wives, 2 as they observe your chaste and respectful behavior.” – I Peter 3:1-2 (NASB)

This passage from I Peter goes completely and utterly against the sinful nature of most women if they are honest.

Even for women who acknowledge this Biblical truth it is a constant battle with the flesh. A wife’s sinful nature wants her to try and control her husband’s behavior but God has said “His disobedience is my domain – not yours.”

The Bible does not tell a wife to nag her husband into holy living.  It does not tell her to threaten to divorce him if he does not stop his rude behavior. It tells her to try and win him to God’s ways by practicing God’s ways herself! It tells her to win him “without a word” by her pure and respectful behavior toward him.

Now I just want to add one note.  I am not saying a wife should stay or keep her children in a situation with a physically abusive husband or a lazy husband who refuses to work and provide food and shelter for his family. I have addressed these topics in my posts “Does God allow divorce for abuse?” and “Does God allow a woman to divorce her husband for failure to provide?

But the fact is ladies – Biblically speaking if your husband is having sex with you, providing for you and your children and is not placing you or your children in physical harm you have absolutely NO right to send him away or separate from him.  Rather if he is doing all these things for you then you have a God given obligation to place yourself in complete subjection to him and you are to behave in a pure and respectful manner toward him – despite his many failings.

The second sin Ellie committed against her husband was in separating from her husband for unbiblical reasons as a result of her believing it was her right to try and change her husband’s disobedient behavior.

The third sin Ellie committed probably for most of her marriage to her husband was in comparing him to a previous man she had dated.  Here she was condemning her husband for looking at other women when she was comparing him to another man the entire time! This is the height of hypocrisy!

Sin leads to sin

“13 Let no man say when he is tempted, I am tempted of God: for God cannot be tempted with evil, neither tempteth he any man:

14 But every man is tempted, when he is drawn away of his own lust, and enticed.” – James 1:13-14 (KJV)

The Bible is clear that we are all responsible for our own sin.  We cannot blame our circumstances and we cannot blame others for our own sinful behavior.  But that does not mean that we are not responsible for sometimes putting people in tempting positions.  This is what happened with Ellie and her husband.

His rude and sinful behavior of staring at other women touched on her insecurities and jealousy.

She reacted to his sin with more sin in lashing out at him in anger and in her failed attempts to reform her husband and control her husband.  This completely went against God’s prescribed method for wives to deal with disobedient husbands.

She compounded her sinful reaction to him by ultimately sending her husband away without just cause which then put her husband in a tempting position.

Her husband reacted to his wife’s sin of unjustly kicking him out by sinning even more by engaging in whore-mongering with a woman at church when he should have kept his distance from that woman.

At each point both Ellie and her husband had a chance to stop the escalation of sin in their marriage and neither one chose to do so. Ellie’s husband could have chosen to stop staring at other women.  Even if he did not stop staring Ellie could have chosen to practice the I Peter 3:1-2 principle and given her husband over to God while continuing to faithfully serve him. That would have also required her to give her insecurities and jealousy of her husband over to God. Her husband could have chosen to stay away from that woman at church even after his wife had kicked him out.

An alternate theory of events

Up to this point we have just accepted the fact that Ellie’s husband was actually staring or gawking at women in some kind of rude and noticeable manner. But I believe based on Ellie’s story and this statement by her that the situation might have been different:

“We had prayer, promises, lengthy discussions lots of hurt and mistrust and anger (sin on my part) and after 18 months of more of the same.”

Notice the key word “promises”. This indicates to me that her husband had made some commitments to her to stop whatever this offending behavior was. Yet he continued to do it.

A man can promise not to stare or gawk at women and actually accomplish this change. This is very doable for us as men.  But if we are made to promise not to look or even glance at another woman this is impossible for most men and I would argue even many women.  We are naturally drawn to beauty as human beings.  Men are even more visually wired then women and we can be drawn into the beauty of a woman without even consciously realizing it. Even for the men that seem not to even glance at other women – a feat she says her previous boyfriend accomplished – often these men are simply very good at hiding their glances to where a woman would never notice.

But if this was the case that she was asking her husband to not even look at other women as opposed to staring and gawking at them then it was Ellie and not her husband that began this spiral of sinful behavior with her insecurities and jealousy.

What to do if you are faced with this situation as a wife

If you find yourself feeling bothered by your husband looking at other women you first need to ask yourself these questions.

How long is he looking at women around you? Is it just for second and then he looks in another direction or toward you?

If this is the case then this is by definition a “glance” and not the act of staring.  Even if he repeats his glances at a woman this is still not staring. Staring is a prolonged look and most people would agree that it takes longer than a second for someone to stare.

So if he is not staring you as a woman need to look inward. The truth you must face if you realize your husband is not staring but simply glancing at an attractive woman is you are bothered by the fact that he finds another woman attractive.

These are the reasons you may be bothered by your husband glancing (as opposed to staring) at other women:

  1. You have always felt insecure about your beauty even before you ever met your husband.
  2. You are feeling insecure about your body due to weight gain or natural aging.
  3. You are worried that your husband will cheat on you or leave you for another woman.
  4. You are not insecure about your beauty, in fact you feel that you are gorgeous. But you believe your womanly beauty is the only beauty your husband should take pleasure in.

Now let’s explore each of these reasons that your husband glancing at other women bothers you.

You have always felt insecure about your beauty even before you ever met your husband.

Realize this has nothing to do with your husband and everything to do with you. Men don’t typically marry women they don’t find attractive. Most men think their wives are beautiful but there feelings don’t make through their mouth.  Just know that your husband thinks you are beautiful unless he tells you otherwise and just because he finds another woman attractive does not mean he does not find you attractive.

You are feeling insecure about your body due to weight gain or natural aging.

Many women felt beautiful when they were younger but as they have children and age and their body changes they no longer feel beautiful.  Again husbands should attempt to verbally compliment their wives and assure them but the fact is many men struggle in this area to put their feelings into words.  Realize that your husband most likely still finds you beautiful.  He has aged with you. He may have even gained some weight with you.

So here is what is happening if your primary insecurity is over your weight gain. Every time your husband looks at another women, especially a woman closer to her optimal weight it is a painful reminder to you of the weight you have gained.  But realize the problem is not with him appreciating the beauty of those women – the problem is with you and your weight. The answer to your problem is not tell your husband he can no longer look at another women because it makes you realize how much weight you have gained.  The answer is to lose weight! Go on a diet and exercise. But realize even then he is still going to notice the beauty of other women but you won’t feel bad anymore.

You are worried that your husband will have sex with other women or leave you for another woman.

This is an insecurity that many women have regarding their husbands looking at other women and in most cases there is no logical reason a woman to have this fear.  For most men – if their wives are keeping them well feed in the sexual area with regular and enthusiastic sexual relations they are not going to go around sleeping with other women.

But if you are not keeping your husband well feed in the sexual arena you have every reason to fear that your husband in a moment of weakness may give into his sinful nature and engage in sexual relations with another woman.  If this is the source for your fear you can fix this issue! Have regular sexual relations with your husband! Keep him well feed in the area of sex.

It makes my head spin how many emails I get from men who tell me their wives won’t have regular sex with them but then they also get angry whenever they look at another woman.  This is utterly senseless on the part of women who do this!

You are not insecure about your beauty, in fact you feel that you are gorgeous.  But you believe your womanly beauty is the only beauty your husband should take pleasure in.

This attitude that some women have comes from one thing and one thing only – pride. All women want to feel beautiful and this is a natural desire they have been given by God. But there is a difference in a woman wanting to feel beautiful and a woman wanting her beauty to be her husband’s idol. That he must appreciate her beauty and her beauty alone.

If you find yourself feeling this way as a wife you need to confess this sin of pride to God. Realize you are not the only beautiful woman in the world and that it is natural and normal for your husband appreciate the beauty of other women.

For more on how to process you husband looking at other women in a way that honors God and your husband’s God given male nature please see my series “How should Christian women respond to their men looking at other women?

85 thoughts on “Would you leave your husband because he looks at other women?

  1. “Before my husband I met a lovely man but I chose not to marry him as he didn’t know the Lord. He did however know how to respect me in that I never once saw him looking or even glancing at other women. He may have done when alone but not when with me. He wasn’t asexual or homosexual or bi-sexual or similar. What he was, was RESPECTFUL.”

    Sorry, Ellie, but more than likely he was just better at the game than your husband is. Men who like women will ALWAYS look at other women. It doesn’t mean they don’t love their wives, it just means that a beautiful woman is a beautiful sight to behold.

    I sometimes look at classical art, paintings and sculpture, and am amazed by the beauty and detail the old masters could capture. Then I wonder at what point in history did it become a bad thing to look at a beautiful woman?

    Now, my wife has complained in the past when she says she has caught me looking at other women, though I can say personally that I don’t know if she is telling the truth or not. I mean, I don’t think she is lying, just mistaken. I have eyes. I MUST see the things around me, and that includes all the people in my general vicinity, pretty or not. If my eyes happen to glance across a pretty girl as I scan the area for input does that count as ‘staring’ at her? And even if I do stop for a second, why is that an issue? And since when did my wife suddenly gain the ability to see into the hearts of men and determine that she ‘knows what you are thinking’? What am I supposed to think when I see my wife looking at another woman? Women do that all the time and what are they thinking? “I wish I had her butt.”, “I hate her for having such a small waist and three kids.”, “I’m never going to look like that.”. If a man looking at another woman in lust (women’s words, not mine) is sin then a woman looking at another woman in discontent is just as sinful!

    BGR is correct in declaring that wives do not have authority over their husbands to issue ultimatums and push them out of their own homes. If you believe your husband is in sin then there are biblical courses of action to take:

    Matthew 18:15-17
    15 “Moreover if your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault between you and him alone. If he hears you, you have gained your brother. 16 But if he will not hear, take with you one or two more, that ‘by the mouth of two or three witnesses every word may be established.’[a] 17 And if he refuses to hear them, tell it to the church. But if he refuses even to hear the church, let him be to you like a heathen and a tax collector.

    If you respectfully (RESPECTFULLY) approach your husband about the issue and it doesn’t stop, then you follow these biblical instructions. Be prepared, however, because if your witnesses see no fault in your husbands actions then you will need to drop the issue altogether. I see no problem with a man looking at a woman, provided he doesn’t stare at her, so if someone came to me with this issue I would probably talk to the husband and get the full detail and more than likely caution him against his wife’s insecurities.

    You see, Ellie, in situations like this is often times seems to be a woman’s insecurity that drives the problem. I have this problem in my own marriage. My wife is a fitness trainer. At nearly forty years old she looks damn good, but you could never convince her of that. Her insecurities sometimes cause her to see things that aren’t there or blow things out of proportion. She may see me take a casual glance at a cute girl and that would be all it takes. To her it seems as though I am being disrespectful and unloving, but nothing could be further from the truth. Should I take her as being disrespectful and unloving when she see’s a hot Chevy Camaro and says she would rather have THAT car instead of our truck? How unloving? I work hard to pay for that truck and it looks nice and here she is looking at other cars, completely devoid of how hurtful it is to disparage our vehicle for a newer, younger, hotter model. If you put it that way it seems silly.

    Now, all that being said, if a man is repeatedly standing and staring at women for prolonged periods of time (not sporadically – some women really are that beautiful) then perhaps they are thinking what you think they are. Not only is this rude to the woman being observed, but as a husband I take my wife’s feelings into account and try to avoid a prolonged stare situation, but in the end, men love looking at women, and women love being looked at by men. All the proof I need I get when my wife recounts to me another tale of some little teeny-bopper gym goer asking her if she wants to go get lunch or if he can have her number. After asking her what kind of loser goes to the gym to pick up women, I just let it go. Men like looking at her, and she likes being looked at. If she wants to complain to me about looking at another woman, she should remove the plank from her eye first.

  2. “But if we are made to promise not to look or even glance at another woman this is impossible for most men and I would argue even many women. We are naturally drawn to beauty as human beings. Men are even more visually wired then women and we can be drawn into the beauty of a woman without even consciously realizing it.”

    This is certainly very true, and I wish that more women could understand this and curb their insecurities. Most men might be more visually wired than most women, but I’d bet that most women have had the experience of being struck by the sight of a good-looking man (if not in real life, then at least on t.v. or in a movie!), so I’m surprised that more can’t understand that it doesn’t mean anything if their husband looks at another woman. For the most part, it doesn’t meant that their husbands appreciate them or want them any less.

    Now, I could understand these glances fueling a woman’s insecurity if her husband was behaving in a way that made her feel unwanted. Maybe he never compliments her looks or gawks at her, even when she puts extra effort into looking really good for him, but he’s giving other women way more visual appreciation than he gives her. Maybe it’s even worse, and he’s not displaying sexual interest in her, but he’s still looking at other women. Then I could understand why those glances might bother her, but the issue that she should be discussing with him then is that she’s worried that he doesn’t find her attractive any more or (more severely) that he’s either not initiating sex anymore or he’s completely denying her. Maybe the husband in these cases needs to examine himself to determine if he’s focusing so much other women that he’s stopped appreciating and desiring his wife, but the issue there isn’t that he’s looking at other women. It’s how he’s feeing about and acting toward his wife. It’s also possible that the wife approaching her husband about these issues would give him the opportunity to change his behavior for the better (maybe he didn’t realize that he wasn’t being verbally or nonverbally appreciative of her, or maybe he’s unfairly expecting his wife to look like she’s in her early twenties for the rest of her life and after having kids) as well as an opportunity for the husband to gently broach issues with his wife (maybe she’s gained a lot of weight, and he wants to help her loose some, but isn’t sure how to approach it, or maybe he just wants her to dress or do her makeup differently).

    I also wonder if some women get insecure about their husbands looking at other women because they occasionally look at other men and wish that their husbands were more like those men, either in looks or in personality. Maybe in this case, Ellie was so insecure about her husband looking at women because she felt guilty about negatively comparing him to her ex and projected her feelings onto her husband. Maybe she worried that because she wished that her husband was more like another man that he also wished that she was more like those women. That could explain why she reacted in such an extreme manner to his behavior in the first place.

    Either way, it’s very tragic to see how this couple let their marriage fall apart because they couldn’t curb their own sins and kept escalating the others’ sins. If he was gawking, he shouldn’t have been doing it in the first place. She shouldn’t have gotten so angry and resentful of it. He should’ve made greater efforts to curb his gawking once he understood how much it hurt her. She shouldn’t have let her resentment simmer to the point where she separated from him. He shouldn’t have committed adultery. And I don’t know what they should do. It’s such a horribly messy business.

  3. I’m kinda with Alex on this one. This situation went from frying pan to fire in a hurry and I’m not sure how best to put the flames out on this one.

    Does remind me of a funny story though back when we were dating. My husband has ADD combined with an extreme lack of subtlety. One time we were in a coffee shop and a woman (who I don’t remember being particularly attractive or ugly, but definitely not my husband’s type) walked in. He turned his head to look at her and it didn’t really bother me. About 5 seconds later, he did the same thing and I remember thinking I’d bring it up later. About 5 seconds later, he did it again and I (in what I’ll admit was very likely an upset tone of voice) told him “please stop” in a quiet tone of voice cuz we were with a friend. He said ‘sure’ but apparently had no idea what I was referring to. When we talked about it later, he told me he couldn’t even remember what she looked like, just that she kept crossing his peripheral vision and distracting him and it would have been the same if a chimpanzee had done it. Live and learn! Obviously not what’s happening here, but in defense of men like my husband, I thought I’d put it out there in case other women could relate.

    On a side note, I don’t really see much difference between staring at a woman for 5 seconds and then looking away, and glancing at the same person multiple times in a 30 second window (for a wife at least, it may be mote annoying for the woman being stared at). I get that some women are extra beautiful, but if you are aware that there is a drop dead gorgeous women at two o’clock and she is staying in that same spot, i don’t think it’s impossible to keep from glancing that way multiple times in front of one’s wife. I don’t think this is an issue of whether or not the man should have to do that, and jumping to that defense seems to be missing the point. If one only does what they absolutely have to in a marriage, it’s going to fall apart pretty quickly regardless.

    I think that the fact that Ellie’s ex was ‘better at the game’ is not an excuse for her husband though. I think a lot of women (maybe Ellie, maybe not) would gladly settle for a man who would notice beautiful women in a subtle way where their wife wouldn’t notice it. Just because the ex and the husband were both noticing women (as I’m sure they both were) doesn’t mean that they were in the same camp. Also, if men struggle with body image issues and prefer for their wives to only notice men in a subtle way, they had better be prepared to do the same for their wife. i’m not justifying Ellie’s actions, but I can understand why that behavior was extremely frustrating for her. I’m not saying everything has to be 100% fair. My husband has never been attracted to overweight women, while being slightly overweight himself. I have never thought that was wrong (although I have at times transferred my frustration with overweight men who fat-shame overweight women onto him even though he is innocent in this way). His extra weight was not an attraction issue for me, and I have never been overweight to him. However, if I were to have a few pregnancy pounds that stubbornly refused to leave, I would expect my husband to show me the same courtesy I have shown him. I don’t think it makes sense to tell men or women what they should be attracted to because biology doesn’t work that way, but at some point I think some people don’t really have a leg to stand on. As far as I can tell, my husband is in agreement on this (like I said, this isn’t something we’ve faced, yet, and I’m hoping we won’t).

  4. “I think that the fact that Ellie’s ex was ‘better at the game’ is not an excuse for her husband though. I think a lot of women (maybe Ellie, maybe not) would gladly settle for a man who would notice beautiful women in a subtle way where their wife wouldn’t notice it. Just because the ex and the husband were both noticing women (as I’m sure they both were) doesn’t mean that they were in the same camp.”

    Definitely true. Everyone is going to notice good-looking people, but they can learn to be more subtle in order to be considerate of their spouses’ feelings. It sounds like there was a lot of problems with this marriage going in. It sounds like the husband either wasn’t good at being subtle or wasn’t good at exercising enough self-control to not stare (strongly possible given that he slept with another woman while still apparently hoping to reconcile with his wife), and it definitely sounds like Ellie may have gone into the marriage with regrets over not having chosen her ex.

  5. I wasn’t getting strong vibes that Ellie regretted not marrying her ex, or repeatedle compared him to her husband. More just that she had seen respectful behavior done in the past so she knew it was possible. I could definitely be wrong here. And if she had mentioned her ex to her husband that way (other than in response to if her husband had said that subtle behavior like that was impossible), I agree with BGR that that would be extremely hypocritical.

    I’m wondering if this is something that bothers married women more than women in a dating relationship. For an unmarried woman, she knows her man finds her the best or he wouldn’t still be with her. For a married woman, the idea that he might have regrets but doesn’t feel he has grounds for divorce, doesn’t want to mess up the kids, it’s not worth the hassle, etc. might play through her head. I don’t have strong evidence for this, it was just something that occurred to me. Of course this might also appear like flip-flop behavior to a man if his wife suddenly becomes more bothered after marriage than before. So I can see that working both ways.

  6. @AnnaMS,

    I suspected that it might be a possibility because Ellie said that the only reason that she didn’t marry her ex was because he wasn’t Christian at the time. (Granted, that’s a big reason for someone who is Christian.) Maybe she’s thinking now that his character was good enough that he could’ve converted if she’d stayed with him. She may have also still had lingering feelings for him because they didn’t break up do to severe incompatibility of personality or lack of attraction or due to him turning out to be a bad man. But that’s definitely speculation on my part. She could completely be over him and just using him as an example of a man who can be more subtle.

    I also think that you might have a point about married women vs. women in dating relationships. It’s also true that both men and women act differently during the “honeymoon” phase of any relationship. Married men might find themselves expressing less appreciation for their wives’ looks, even if they’re still really attracted to them and really in love with them, because they’re not actively wooing them anymore and they probably think that their wives know that they’re still attracted and still in love. That might make married women feel more insecure if another woman is getting their husband’s attention more openly, even if only for a couple of seconds.

  7. @Snapper –

    “At nearly forty years old she looks damn good, but you could never convince her of that. Her insecurities sometimes cause her to see things that aren’t there or blow things out of proportion.”

    i haven’t thought about this in a long time. years ago i addressed this on my first blog which is since long gone, but i still have women remind me of it from time-to-time. this is a HUGE problem with married women. it began really popping out at me, and i started to call my friends on it.

    the unfortunate truth is that many of us are insecure about our appearance. most women dress to impress other women more than they dress to impress men. and women can pick apart any woman’s body faster than we can blink.

    so what i’ve come to believe is that wives need to *choose* to believe their husbands. this is not easy; it is hard because it causes us to have to shift mental gears. we’re raised comparing ourselves to other girls and our parents often encourage that. but if we’re married to a man who loves us, truly loves us, and he tells us we’re beautiful, in my opinion, if we do not believe him, we are calling him a liar, and imho it is a sin for us to do so.

    so, while i understand and totally relate to female insecurities, i have to choose to believe my husband when he says i’m beautiful. not to do so is a sin and disrespects him. this cannot be a feelings-thing. it must be a conscious choice.

  8. @AnnaMS

    “I think that the fact that Ellie’s ex was ‘better at the game’ is not an excuse for her husband though. I think a lot of women (maybe Ellie, maybe not) would gladly settle for a man who would notice beautiful women in a subtle way where their wife wouldn’t notice it. ”

    The point here is that 99.9% of healthy men will look at other women, but not all of them get caught because they are simply better at hiding it. Every man on a relationship, long term or short, has their bag of tricks for sneaking a peek at a nearby cutie. We use those tricks because a) we don’t want to hurt our wives/girlfriends and b)we don’t want to deal with the fallout of getting caught, which is typically an icy shoulder and some harsh words. Seriously, though, do women actually think their husbands have enough macho prowess to look at a girl in a restraint, decide he wants her, then walk right up and take her whilst tossing his wife by the wayside? I will be the first to admit, George Clooney I am not. I don’t think I could pull it off!

    Again, blatantly gopping at someone is rude and pretty uncaring towards ones wife, but I am not going to wear blinders out nor will I drop my eyes to the ground when a cute chick walks by. I tried that already. Its really difficult. Not only that but its degrading. Men are not the subjects of their wives, only able to lift their eyes to the queen. Even if that’s how some want it to be. (I am not referring to you, merely to some instances of the situation). When my daughter marries I will tell her not to get bent out of shape if her husband does it, and when my boys get married I will tell them not to be rude about doing it.

  9. “Seriously, though, do women actually think their husbands have enough macho prowess to look at a girl in a restraint, decide he wants her, then walk right up and take her whilst tossing his wife by the wayside? I will be the first to admit, George Clooney I am not. I don’t think I could pull it off!”

    Unfortunately, I think that some women are this insecure. They really are afraid that their husband will go and have sex with every woman whom he finds attractive, just like there are some men who are convinced that their wives are having sex with another man if they so much as speak to one. (Seriously, I’ve seen stories of men who are convinced that their wives or girlfriends are having sex with their own brothers as well as some women who are convinced that their husbands are committing incest!)

    On the other hand, making it clear to your wife that you find her beautiful and desirable will go a long way for women who aren’t either so extremely insecure that they don’t believe that their husbands are being honest or who are projecting their own guilt onto their husbands. Like I said, it’s one thing knowing that your husband finds other women attractive. That’s perfectly natural. It’s another thing if you feel like your husband doesn’t find you attractive but is still noticing other women.

    “When my daughter marries I will tell her not to get bent out of shape if her husband does it, and when my boys get married I will tell them not to be rude about doing it.”

    Ultimately, I do think that that’s reasonable. Women can be more tolerant and more secure in themselves and their marriages, and men can be more considerate and polite.

  10. @Alex

    I recently had to remind my wife that there is nothing wrong with me noticing a beautiful woman, and just because I noticed doesn’t mean I want to lay her out right then and there – or at all for that matter. The problem is HER insecurity. I make it very clear that I love her and think she is beautiful, but this doesn’t matter. This is where you begin to understand how some women’s sense of spatial awareness extends no further than her nose. For many women EVERYTHING is about them. Everything you do, everything you say, everything that happens ties back in to them. Even Christian woman can suffer from this. I love my wife, but her ability to tie events other people do back to HER is nigh amazing. It’s like playing Bacon Number with drama.

  11. @Snapper,

    Oh, like I said, there are definitely spouses who are unreasonably suspicious of their spouses, and there are definitely women who are so insecure about their own appearances that they don’t believe their husbands’ compliments. I’m sure that’s a tough situation for you to be in. Ultimately, people have to learn to love and accept themselves, and others can only do so much for them.

  12. Ame,

    Your words on this subject of beauty are wise and something women should take to heart. One of the most frustrating things for us as husbands is when our wives don’t believe our compliments or dismiss them due to their own insecurities. Also when a woman does not truly believe she is beautiful or her husband’s belief that she is beautiful it will very negatively impact their marriage and their and their sex life. When a woman finally believes that she is beautiful to her husband she will be able to breath new life into her marriage.

    I can’t tell you how many emails I get from husbands who are frustrated with this issue with their wives where their wives won’t even let them see them undress or see them in the shower. God did not intend marriage to be this way. A man and a woman should be fully comfortable being naked both emotionally and physically with one another in marriage.

  13. @Snapper,

    My first wife was very much like your wife where I felt I had to look at the ground everywhere I walked. I am thankful to the Lord that my second wife, while still having insecurities about her body, does not fault me for glancing at other women. In fact my wife will tell me about actors she thinks are hot and I will tell her about actresses I think are hot. Obviously there is a limit for any woman if the husband is just acting rude or gawking and acting stupid. But no man should have to walk through a mall or watch a TV show and have to turn his head away when a beautiful woman passes by or comes on the screen.

    I have taught my sons to look for this in the women they date. They need to set the stage for this early in the relationship. They need to tell their girlfriend/ fiances “I will look at other women because I am a human being and I am a man and God has wired us to appreciate and be drawn to beauty. I will not be rude about it or gawk but I will glance. Please remember when I do this it does not mean I think you are any less beautiful to me, but other people can be beautiful too and that has to be ok with you. If it is not this relationship will run into trouble quickly. I will not purposefully avoid looking at other women nor do I expect you not to look at other men. It is all about how we go about it that makes it right or wrong.”

    There is a balance between being sensitive to a women and allowing a woman to set the terms of a relationship. Men need to assert themselves early on in a courting relationship and make clear what the parameters of their relationship will look like and as the potential spiritual leader of this potential marriage. A man while being sensitive to his wife does not have to be a slave to her insecurities.

  14. Snapper, I think we’re in agreement here. I don’t fault men for noticing beautiful women (I’ve actually pointed out to my husband women on TV who I thought were attractive). Now my husband glances at women a lot less than most men on this site do. He is not one to lie about it and he says this isn’t something he’s ever really done a lot of. He thinks a lot of women are beautiful but very few whom he is actually attracted to. But doing it subtly and doing it non-subtly are hardly the same thing simply because both are doing it.

  15. There is a book called (For Women Only by Shaunti Feldhahn) that attempts to describe how much differently men’s minds operate than women’s. It gave an example of a group of lloving husbands takings their wives out for a meal at a nice restaurant and that they were greeted and seated by a young attractive hostess wearing a form fitting dress. Through the entire meal, each of those men would be keenly aware of this hostess being across the restaurant and they would have to consciously choose to avoid looking in her direction so they wouldn’t hurt their wives’ feelings. None of these men had any intentions or ideas of attempting to have any interaction or flirtations with this hostess but their brains are wired to be aware of females, particularly young attractive ones – its instinctual. As women, I think that we need to remember how different (and challenging at times in our present culture especially) it must be to be a male versus what we experience as females.

  16. Leigh,

    That is absolutely right about men being instinctively drawn to youth and beauty. I am not saying women are not drawn to young attractive men too, but its not the same powerful driving force that it is for men. It’s a biological fact. Now certainly as I and many commentators have stated we as men are capable of processing our instincts in a civilized manner. We may have some slight differences on what is appropriate and what is not but we agree on the general principle that it is not wrong for men to look at women other than their wives.

    We need to help women rid themselves of this highly illogical and false thought that so many women have “If you really loved me you would not want to look at other women”.

  17. One of the besetting sins of wives is the desire to rule over and control their husbands. Feminists preach that lack of control is the same as being a doormat and a victim, so women are stirred up and urged to control their men. If any behavior of a husband is detrimental to her empowerment, such as her husband observing beauty in other women, she is taught to grab the reigns and exert control, lest she be abused, become a door mat, be disrespected et al. Sovereign control is something that belongs to God alone, when women seek to control they are like Eve trying to be as gods. It matters little if the desire for control is from insecurity or pride, the desire is sin. Satan must laugh when women separate and divorce because they cannot control their husbands, when a woman’s true joy could be found in living in harmony with scripture by submitting to God and her husband with a heart of contentment.

    A wise woman once quipped that other women may flirt with her husband and he may survey the room, but she doesn’t let it cause her any fret. She finds joy, because at the end of every day she is secure; she is the one that takes him home and she is still the only one who get the title of Mrs. and bears his name. If every day is contest for his affections she is the champion that takes home the prize every day. I dare say that a man who has a wife who exhibits such a hidden person of the heart, with the incorruptible beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, would be very precious in his sight and in the sight of God.

  18. @Jonadab,

    Well said. The sinful desire of a women to control their husbands is talked about as little as Biblical submission is today. Thankfully there are few spiritual women out there(and I mean few) that actually recognize this in themselves and other women but sadly the vast majority of women are blind to this truth.

    This is one of the main things I try and push very hard on this blog that men of God need to follow Paul’s advice to “Be on the alert, stand firm in the faith, act like men, be strong.” – I Corinthians 16:13

    You also raise a great point about the affection of a husband. We live in society that has marriage completely and utterly backwards. We teach that men must constantly be pursing their wives(or as some call it “hunting”). But the reality is that wives truly should view every day as a contest for their husbands affections. Unfortunately most women in our culture think that their husband’s affection is simply owed to them and they must do nothing for it. In the Christian world this because of an utter failure on the part of the church to teach the difference between unconditional love(agape love) and conditional love(phileo) or what we call affection.

    We are taught in our culture that women are the experts in love and men just need to follow their lead – but this could not be further from the truth. Men actually know more about love and understand love better than they realize in most cases. It is much easier for men to understand that true love is based in action and commitment and not a feeling. For most women their sin natures cause them to believe true love is based in feelings.

    So we have women in marriages all across the world sitting around thinking “why does my husband never show me affection? or the kind of affection I desire?” but it is exactly because of what you just said – they do not look at each day with their husband as a contest for his affections.

  19. Well said! I had pointed out on another blog that God does not endlessly pursue us the way women (and some other men) preach that we should be pursuing our wives.

    Romans 1:28-32
    28 And even as they did not like to retain God in their knowledge, God gave them over to a debased mind, to do those things which are not fitting; 29 being filled with all unrighteousness, sexual immorality,[c] wickedness, covetousness, maliciousness; full of envy, murder, strife, deceit, evil-mindedness; they are whisperers, 30 backbiters, haters of God, violent, proud, boasters, inventors of evil things, disobedient to parents, 31 undiscerning, untrustworthy, unloving, unforgiving,[d] unmerciful; 32 who, knowing the righteous judgment of God, that those who practice such things are deserving of death, not only do the same but also approve of those who practice them.

    Here you see that after these people continued in their rebellion God finally let them go to do what they wanted, much to their own detriment. God wants our hearts, but He is not some lovesick teenager who, at being spurned over and over, will continually send flowers and love letters until we realize how great He is. He wants us to choose Him and then continue to choose Him even when times are tough or when it seems like He isn’t around. He wants us to have faith!

    The gospel of romance is an eyesore and just another part of the gospel of feminism, which in turn is the gospel of lies. I was actually thinking last week about posting something on my blog about women and their entitled feeling to affection from their husbands, but had forgotten about it. I may try to start it today. Thanks for the reminder!

  20. Snapper,

    I covered this topic of women expecting unconditional affection from their husbands in this post back in January:
    https://biblicalgenderroles.com/2016/01/14/why-doesnt-my-husband-love-me-anymore/

    This is a major problem in the way we view marriage – we literally have it all backwards. The Bible clearly shows that God’s agape love toward us is unconditional – this the love where Romans 5:28 tells us “But God commendeth his love toward us, in that, while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us.”. But his affectionate love toward is is VERY conditional based on our faithfulness to him. So many Christians miss this truly important concept especially in regard to marriage.

    So it is a very true and Biblical statement to say we cannot earn God’s love, but we are in fact called to earn his affection by how we conduct our lives. In the same way a wife does not have to earn her husband’s love – he pledged that to her the day they were married – but she does on a daily basis have to earn his affection. I have yet to find a Christian marriage book that teaches this very Biblical concept of marriage.

  21. @BGR,

    By earning or competing for his affection, do you mean being kind and generous to your husband in every sense of the words (sexually and emotionally, for starters) and behaving in a loving and respectful manner toward him?

  22. Alex,

    Yes I think that pretty much covers it. Really if a woman simply does what God commands her to do toward her husband most men will naturally be affectionate in return. It will also keep him from being tempted by other women in most cases. It really is a natural reaction for men when women totally give themselves in these ways(especially in the respect and sex areas). I can tell you that when my wife is kind and respectful toward me and rocks my world in the bedroom the affection comes out of me naturally. But if my wife is unkind and disrespectful toward me or cold in the bed toward me – will that prompt me to tell her how lovely a wife she is and how great she is in bed? Of course not.

  23. “Men actually know more about love and understand love better than they realize in most cases. It is much easier for men to understand that true love is based in action and commitment and not a feeling. For most women their sin natures cause them to believe true love is based in feelings.”

    I believe this is true. I’m learning this from my husband. I often ask him why he’s so good to me*, and he simply states, “Because I’m your husband, and I love you.” The End. Discussion over. If I were to probe him more, he’d look at me weird … b/c there is no more. He loves me. That’s what people do when they love you. There’s nothing to analyze. The End.

    *I grew up in an abusive home, and my first husband was an abusive addict, so it is relatively new to me for one so close to me to be good to me just because he loves me.

  24. Alex,

    I want to add one note about affection from husbands. Even if a wife does all the things you mention sometimes a husband’s affection may not always be shown in the way a wife would expect or want it. For instance some men just are not good with words and flowery romantic statements. For some men just saying “I love you and you are so beautiful to me” is about as far as they can go. But they will show their affection in other non-verbal ways by buying them flowers or other gifts or perhaps doing things around the house for their wife. It might just be more hugs and kisses from him. Wives can talk to their husbands about what affection they would like to see but at the end of the day they may have to accept affection in the way their husband shows it.

  25. “I can’t tell you how many emails I get from husbands who are frustrated with this issue with their wives where their wives won’t even let them see them undress or see them in the shower. God did not intend marriage to be this way. A man and a woman should be fully comfortable being naked both emotionally and physically with one another in marriage.”

    this is heart-breaking. you are right, God did not intend marriage to be this way. modesty should not promote shame of our bodies, it should promote value.

  26. Ame,

    Amen and Amen. Women want to pry into their husband’s feelings with statements like “tell me why you love me” and this makes men very frustrated in many cases as we are not as good with our feelings as women are. We just know we love you and a wise woman will accept this from her husband.

    This is also goes into another concept that women need to be taught before they are married. “Your husband is not your girlfriend”. If you want to talk about feelings for hours and on end – call your mom, your sister or your girlfriend. Don’t try and make your husband into your girlfriend.

    Now don’t misunderstand me – I am not saying husband’s should not listen to their wives feelings or that wives should not listen to their husband’s feelings. But conversation on these types of things should not be forced – it should be natural. A lot of times for us as husbands it is just listening to our wives. We may not have much to say in return and that has to be ok.

  27. @BGR,

    Oh, I definitely recognize that and agree with it! Oddly enough, I think that because of the way that my dad was when I was growing up, I’ve actually come value actions and gestures more than words, although words are certainly nice too and something that I accept as proof of love and affection. My dad’s a very loving husband and father, but he primarily showed his love for my mom and for me and my brother through actions like working hard for us, giving my mom gifts, doing favors for my mom’s family, and making time to do things as a husband and wife or as a family. He’s never been very verbally affectionate, although he’s always made sure to use the words, “I love you.” Because of this, I respond really readily to my husband’s physical affection and to things like (to use some recent examples) him shoveling out my car for me after the recent blizzard that hit the entire east coast or making me a nice dinner on the weekends. I still really enjoy it when he goes into more detail about why he loves me or what he finds beautiful about me, but because of his actions, I’m content with just hearing the words “I love you” or “You’re so beautiful/sexy/hot/sleek.” (He gives unique compliments sometimes. Lol.)

  28. Alex,

    Your comment has brought to mind another issue in this area of affection from husbands as well. Many women simply take for granted the types of actions you stated and they do not see them as acts of affection by their husband. A man working hard each day means nothing to many women. Many women even take for granted when their husbands cook or do other nice things around the house. To some women affection is only when their husband does some huge flowery gesture of some kind and he is constantly having to up the “affectionate gestures”.

    I advice my sons and other men never to play this game with their wives. If a woman cannot see as you do the actions of love in simple things like your husband clearing the snow off your car then this woman has a prideful heart.

  29. Often I hear Christians claim that Jesus shows his loves for them, not because He died for their sins, or because He rules over them, but because He did some act of affection and made them happy. Things like curing cancer, saving the life of a child or bringing them a spouse. This is a warped creature-centric view; if Christ did not do any of those acts that made them happy, would He be any less loving? Would he be any less worthy of worship and love?

    Likewise women often speak of their husbands showing love for them by making them happy. This is a woman-centric view of marriage. Love (agape) does what is in the best interest the other person not thier feelings. When a person is ruled by their feelings, this is called immaturity and is common in small children. Love transcends feelings and does what is best, that is why parents spank children, because no discipline is pleasant at the time, later on however it brings forth a harvest of righteousness. Bringing flowers to an ungrateful, usurper wife, is feeding her sin. Love refuses to appease feelings in order to bring a much higher good. A good wife will value joy over happy feelings, Godliness over pride and her own contentment over desire.

    Proverbs 31:10 Who can find a virtuous wife? For her worth is far above rubies.

    The preachers who say that women are special and virtuous are wrong according to King Lemuel’s mother – Needle in a haystack I say! When honorable young men realize how rare virtuous women truly are, the will spend much more time on their knees crying out for grace.

  30. @BGR,

    I really do give both of my parents a lot of credit for the mentality that I developed. My dad, as I’ve said, really has been a loving and positive force in my life, and my mom always made sure that my brother and I appreciated what he did for us. (And of course, he made sure that we appreciated what she did for us and didn’t look down on her for having stopped working outside of the home once my brother was born.) Two other mothers in my very large extended family have unfortunately made a habit of complaining to their kids about how their husbands spend too much time working and not enough time with family, and my mom always made sure that we never thought that my dad loved us any less because he couldn’t be present as much as she could. She also was really openly appreciative of his gestures and gifts, and as I got older, she would always point out to me when he did something for her and how much it showed that he loved her. My extended family has also helped, mainly because they all show their love for one another by doing favors for their siblings and their nieces and nephews.

  31. Jonadab,

    Your Statement:

    “Bringing flowers to an ungrateful, usurper wife, is feeding her sin. Love refuses to appease feelings in order to bring a much higher good.”

    What you have said is absolutely true but in such contradiction to the sinful world we live in today. Men are encouraged by Christian marriage counselors and Pastors on a regular basis to “win back” their rebellious wives with gestures like you are talking about. You are absolutely right though that this just feeds her sin. How did God handle his rebellious wife Israel? Did he reward her with extra blessings or did he remove his blessings from her? We know the answer from the Scriptures.

  32. And you will likely never find a book that would say such, unfortunately. It used to be that grandma taught it to mom who taught it to daughter, but now the mostly teach drivel about fish and bicycles and such. Meanwhile young men are starting to drop out of the relationship business altogether, more than happy to accept free sex without obligation. As others in the manosphere have been showing as of late, all that leaves is a trail of broken women and a man devoid of meaning. The young don’t understand until they get there, though. It may take a couple of generations of broken people before there are enough broken adults teaching their kids about how things work that it becomes normal knowledge again.

  33. Snapper,

    Well my goal over the next couple of years is to do just that – write an ebook on Biblical Gender Roles and I will heavily hit on how love in marriage is supposed to work as God designed it. It will probably be $1.99 so it will be one of the cheapest books you will ever read. If I did not have a day job I could write it much faster.

  34. @Jonadab,

    “Bringing flowers to an ungrateful, usurper wife, is feeding her sin. Love refuses to appease feelings in order to bring a much higher good.”

    I’d definitely agree that trying to get your wife to treat you better by giving her more gifts is the wrong approach. If your wife is treating you wrongly, then you need to make it clear to her that that behavior is unacceptable. I hope that my comments about appreciating the ways that my father and my husband show affection didn’t lead you to believe that I thought that a husband should reward his wife’s mistreatment with flowers. I agree with BGR that a wife can almost always get her husband to respond with natural affection if she’s good, loving, and respectful to him, and I also agree that a wife does need to accept the ways in which her husband shows her affection, especially since it will likely more often be through actions more often than through words. She can gently explain to him that it’s important for her to hear verbal affirmations sometimes as well, but she shouldn’t get so wrapped up in focusing on how she believes that he should show her affection (and by extension whom she thinks that he should be) that she ignores the ways in which he does show her affection.

  35. Alex,

    No worries I don’t think any of us took your comments to mean you think husbands should reward their wives bad behavior with gifts of affection. In fact I think based on your comments that is exactly the opposite of what we are all saying. Men should and for the most part will naturally reward their wife’s GOOD behavior with these kinds of things, not her BAD behavior.

  36. @ Alex

    “She can gently explain to him that it’s important for her to …”

    When you wright “important to her” I wonder to what end. Important for what? To make her feel happy? To give her a sense of control? To delight in her ability to manipulate her husband? To allow her to avoid facing her own insecurities?

    What is truly important for her is to live in harmony with God’s designs. A loving husband will keep that as the highest priority in his marriage, even giving up his life for her higher good. A loving husband will resist his wife’s charms, tears and nagging so that he can bring her closer to fulfilling her role given to her by Christ. Her holiness, not her happiness is the slogan of the Christ-like husband.

    Christ tells us that he is faithful to bring us to glory, justified by the grace of His atonement, preserved by His Spirit. How dare we doubt His faithfulness or that He does not mean what He says. Likewise how dare a wife doubt that her husband will continue to live with her as her husband, if he is not constantly telling her how much he loves her. It is pure narcissism to demand that our insecurities and lack of faith be placated and nurtured by daily affirmations of those who have already made a covenant.

  37. @Jonadab,

    “When you wright ‘important to her’ I wonder to what end. Important for what? To make her feel happy? To give her a sense of control? To delight in her ability to manipulate her husband? To allow her to avoid facing her own insecurities?”

    While I not deny that hearing my husband say, “I love you,” or, “You look beautiful tonight,” or, “You’re so sexy,” makes me feel very happy, I don’t generally doubt that he feels that way about me because his actions generally demonstrate those things. That being said, while verbal affirmations definitely do make me happy, I think that they serve a more important purpose in a marriage. A wife cannot read her husband’s mind, and sometimes she will not detect his approval if he doesn’t directly express it. This can be confusing and cause anxiety in a wife who is trying to please her husband. Let’s say that she put extra effort into looking good and sexy for him one night. She’s certainly going to want to know if he liked how she looked and if her clothes/lingerie worked for him. That way, she knows how to dress in the future. Let’s say that she tries out a new move in the bedroom. While she can tell if her husband had an orgasm or not, it’s reasonable for a wife who wants to improve her sexual performance to ask her husband what he thought about it, what he liked about it, and what he didn’t like about it so that she can continue to please him more in the future. Let’s say that she tried a new hairstyle or a new way of doing her makeup. She’s also going to want to know if that was a change that her husband liked. Same with food that she’s cooked for him or decorating changes that she might have made around the house. When you’re trying to make your husband happy, it’s really easiest to know if you’re doing it right if he tells you. Finally, the words “I love you” don’t just reassure a wife that her husband loves her. They let her know that she’s been making him happy enough that he feels like expressing verbal affection. Basically, I’m not asking for feedback in the form of verbal affirmations (or occasionally dis-affirmations, because I’d rather be told that something that I did didn’t work out than keep doing it blissfully unaware that it wasn’t pleasing) because I doubt that he loves me or think that he’s going to leave me. I’m asking for feedback because if I’m trying something new, I want to know if it worked or not. Sure, I can try to read him (and I know based on our conversations that I typically do that pretty well), but it’s easier and far less stressful if he just tells me what he thought about it. I also don’t mind asking what he thought about something, and I don’t feel resentment if I have to ask first or be the first to say, “I love you.”

    Also, while I do believe that it is a husband’s job to correct his wife when she’s in error and make sure that she’s doing the right things, I don’t think that it’s a husband’s job to test his wife’s faith by purposefully inducing doubt in her. God can and will test our faith in Him, but I don’t believe that humans should do the same thing.

  38. @Alex

    What’s wrong with a wife asking her husband if he liked something? See that’s part of the issue here. Women believe men think the way women do, and women like to skirt around issues and find out what peoples ‘vibes’ are. Men are not like that. We LIKE the direct approach, we DESTEST the whole guessing game! If my wife puts on some spicy lingerie and asks me, “So, do you like it?” in a sexy, come-hither voice then, trust me, I’m telling her YES. I’m reminded of the story that floats around online that centers on a husbands and wives entries into their daily journals. The wife goes on and on about how horrible the day was because her husband was just so distant, they must be falling away from each other, he must be falling out of love with her, he seemed so cold and preoccupied, ITS THE END OF THE MARRIAGE! The mans entry: “I’m so bummed I couldn’t get the mower started today.” (or something to that effect). Instead of assuming so much the wife could have just been direct and asked her husband what was wrong and the issue would have been resolved. Don’t try to read him, ask him! He will be much happier for it, and so will you!

  39. @Snapper,

    Like I said, I don’t mind asking if he liked something either. I prefer the direct approach, as you said, which is why I’d rather that he either tell me what he thought of his volition or reply honestly when I ask.

  40. And I would of course encourage a woman to ask her husband what was wrong rather than assuming that he’s upset at her. I’d made that mistake before, and now I’ve learned to ask directly what’s wrong. If that doesn’t work–and sometimes, he doesn’t want to talk about something yet, which I accept–then I just do my best to avoid making assumptions and wait until he’s either ready to talk about it or is feeling better.

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