How should a Christian wife deal with her higher sex drive?

“How do I get my husband’s sex drive to increase…We’ve been married for five years now, and he still doesn’t want to have sex more than twice a week… Is there anything wrong with pleasing myself every day until he wants something?”  – This is part of a comment I received from a woman who calls herself Kat in response to my post “The benefits of being a sexually obedient wife”.

Christian women are often embarrassed to admit that they have higher sex drives than their husbands for the simple fact that in most cases husbands usually have higher sex drives than their wives.  But there are some situations in which a wife may actually have a higher sex drive than her husband and this is nothing to be ashamed about.

For some couples the man had a higher sex drive in their younger years but as they age it actually reverses and when the woman is older she actually wants it more than him. For some men stress in their jobs may decrease their drive while for others they have lost their sex drive due to years of sexual denial by their wife in the earlier years of their marriage. But it does not seem to appear that any of these things I have mentioned are factors in Kat’s story.  Below is her full comment.

Kat’s Story

“How do I get my husband’s sex drive to increase? I’m really horny all day, but my husband only wants to have sex once a week, if that. It’s disappointing, because I thought marriage came with that added benefit. We’ve been married for five years now, and he still doesn’t want to have sex more than twice a week. I get that a lot of couples go through this, but I don’t know how to cure it myself. Is it okay to go out and buy toys? He’s not cheating on me (he works from home, it would be pretty obvious), he’s definitely heterosexual, he doesn’t even have a laptop to be sneaking porn, is loving and wonderful to me, and doesn’t have a very stressful job. It’s just a low sex drive, which he readily admits to. Is there anything wrong with pleasing myself every day until he wants something?”

My response to Kat

As I said in my introduction you have nothing to be ashamed of for having a higher sex drive than your husband. Also it does not necessarily mean that your husband has any less love or attraction to you because he wants to have sex less than you.

Some men simply have lower drives – it is rare but it does happen. It might also be a situation of low testosterone but contrary to all the commercials out there a man getting testosterone treatments does not mean he will automatically want more sex. Also they are now discovering there are health risks to artificially increasing a man’s testosterone level.

“How do I get my husband’s sex drive to increase?”

Kat you are demonstrating a very important difference between men and women when it comes to sexual desire.  It is true that both men and women both what their spouses to truly desire to have sex with them as much as they do. Mutually strong desire – that is what we would all love to see every time we have sex as a married couple.

The difference between men and women is that for most women their husband must 100% desire to have sex with them.  If it is 90%, 80%, 50% and so on most women would say no to such a sexual encounter with their husbands.

But most men would take 90%, 80%, 50% and even some would take 0% even though they would prefer it to be at least be 50%. The reason is because for men sex is first a physical activity and then only secondarily an emotional activity. Men have a physical need to not only release their semen on a regular basis but they also have a physical need to visually take in their wife’s body, the taste of her skin and the scent of her body.

Just a note on mutual sexual desire before I continue. What I just described about men being able to have sex when they know their wife is not 100% wanting it is something that simply does not compute for a lot of women.  If I had a dime for every email and comment I got from women (and some men) where the phrase “sex should only happen when both the man and woman mutually desire it” I could retire.  This is because these women and some men are only looking at sex from the perspective of women and dismissing entirely the sexual perspective and different needs of men.

Ok In am off my soap box – back to your situation.

It sounds to me that you are like most women that if your husband does not 100% mutually desire to have sex you would not want to have sex and that is ok.

So then we come to your question about how to increase your husband’s sex drive.  While it is possible that you are right and it is just low libido I recommend you look at my post “12 Reasons your husband may not want to have sex with you” and see if there could be any other causes or contributors to his low libido.  There may not be – but it does not hurt to look.

If you determine that it really is just low libido and you could stand in front of your husband naked or in lingerie and some days he just would not care to have sex that day then you may need to handle your higher libido in a different way which leads us to your other question.

“Is there anything wrong with pleasing myself every day until he wants something?”

The answer to your question is No – there is nothing wrong with you “pleasing” yourself (i.e. masturbating) as a way to make up for the difference in sexual desire between your husband and yourself.

And there is nothing wrong with you using sex toys by yourself either.

Masturbation can be healthy way to not only make up for differences in libido but it can also help you to discover how your body works so you can have better sex with your husband.

Some might say “As Christians we are not please ourselves but only others and God”. While that may sound holy and sanctimonious that is not what the Bible teaches. We are called to deny the corrupt desires of our sinful nature. We are called to put God’s will before our own which may SOMETIMES requires us to forgo some things that are not sinful but at the time we may not be able to do.

We are not however called to deny certain natural hungers that God has designed us with.  Instead we must channel those desires and exercise them within the bounds of God’s law.

Most of us as human beings have three great hungers that are built into us by the design of God.  We hunger for food, for human contact and sex. Now some don’t have a great need for human contact where they would be perfectly happy living out in the woods in a cabin and never seeing another living soul. Others have little to no hunger for sex.  But the majority of us as human beings have a hunger to a greater or lesser degree for all three of these things I have mentioned.

Some Christians would try and tell you that God meant for all sexual activities to occur only in the marriage bed between a man and a woman.  They base this belief on passages like one from Hebrews:

“Marriage is honourable in all, and the bed undefiled: but whoremongers and adulterers God will judge.” – Hebrews 13:4 (KJV)

But they fail to see that Hebrews as well as the rest of the Scriptures restrict sexual RELATIONS to be only between a man and a woman in marriage.

The Scriptures do NOT restrict all sexual thoughts or sexual activities to marriage.

So as long as you masturbate in a way that does not take away your desire for sex with your husband to the point that you are still trying to have regular relations with him then there is no sin in this and I think it will help with your frustration at the difference in your sexual desires.

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42 thoughts on “How should a Christian wife deal with her higher sex drive?

  1. >>> How do I get my husband’s sex drive to increase?

    In addition to the above, here are things that are turn offs to men:

    1. Act more feminine. The more masculine a woman acts the more of a turn off it will be.

    2. Wear more feminine clothing (e.g. clothing only women wear like skirts, dresses, etc.). See above for more details.

    3. Decrease his stress as much as possible. Stress is a libido killer. If he’s stressed at work then stress at home will likely be even more of a turn off. This can include things like being more attentive or relaxation type activities like giving him a massage. Allow him to kick back and relax after a hard days work with a beer and/or whatever. Find out what he wants to do or does for relax and be happy for him to do it.

    4. Respect him. Disrespect is another turn off. Rolling the eyes, snarky comments, muttering under the breath. We talk about submission all the time, but righteous submission starts with the right attitude. Are you doing it to please God and your husband (desire) or are you doing it just because (works mentality). Ask him what you can do to respect him more.

    These are some of the major things, but there are other turn off that other men have as well. Ask him if you do anything that turns him off if you’re pretty close.

    That said there is some percentage of the population where men do have low sex drive for whatever reason. Could be low testosterone or other factors. Doctors visit might be a resort if he sees it as a problem, but trying to force him into a doctor visit is disrespectful so you need to be careful about how to bring it up if at all.

    Generally speaking, ASK you husband.

  2. Great points both of you. It’s also possible that Kat’s husband might find his sex drive increasing if she does more to “jump start” it so to speak. He might be someone who finds it difficult to get in the mood without much of a stimulus. Things like wearing lingerie or just teasing his senses with clothes or by changing in front of him could do it. So could being openly enthusiastic and potentially even a bit assertive when initiating. This shows him that you really want him, and (if stress is lowering his libido) suggests that you’re willing to guide the encounter so that he doesn’t have to worry about running out of energy or think about what to do next to please you. Honestly, being really direct and just initiating with a spontaneous handjob or blowjob could work wonders for some men. Definitely ask him what he thinks might help him, but also remember that he may not be fully aware of everything that will excite him during sex. It’s a learning process and may require experimentation. If he’s okay with you trying different things, try new stuff and see if it improves your situation.

  3. Side note: Don’t try anything that seems really weird (think Cosmo tips *shudders*) unless he specifically asks for it.

  4. Alex,

    I think your suggestions and Deep Strength’s suggestions to try and increase her husbands desire are great and I don’t think she should give up anytime soon. But do you think that she also has to accept the possibility that her husband simply has a lower sex drive? I personally think while she needs to go over everything she is doing and look at ideas presented here she has to accept the possibility that in the end he may simply have a lower sex drive.

    Believe me as a man who has a higher sex drive it is always strange to me when I hear of these cases but I feel I have to acknowledge the possibility that he simply has a lower libido.

    Just a thought.

  5. Amen to the whole ‘decrease stress’ concept. My husband and I have what I’m guessing would be about similar sex drives but where mine is more steady (every few days), his is HIGHLY determined by stress. On good times, he has wanted sex two hours apart. We have also gone over a week without sex twice so far d/t his being in a prolonged stressful situation (it didn’t involve me so there wasn’t a whole lot I could do about removing the stress). Sometimes his apparent lack of interest in me during such times has discouraged me.

    He knows what the Bible preaches about sexual denial and is always willing to do something to please me. There are times when that is ok and I don’t push having actual intercourse even though the emotional connection isn’t as strong this way, because I sense that it’s not a great time for him. There are other times when I really do sense that he has a real physical need for sex that he is not aware of because he is consumed by stress and I would guess that I have been accurate about 95% of the time. In such instances, I have asked him if I could try to get him in the mood. Really know what makes your individual man tick and exploit it! This takes humility because our culture is always telling us that the men should be the ones pursuing us while we sit on our high tower and here the roles will be almost reversed (my husband has commented that watching me try so hard to arouse him while he can just lie back and relax is actually a turn-on for him). If my attempts are successful, he has always noted afterwards that he didn’t know he had needed a sexual release that much, and it draws us that much closer. If my attempts are not, than I need to accept that and not let that get in the way of how I view him as a man or me as a woman. Satan is always willing to jump in with lies and this is an area that I definitely have to be on guard in. And I’m guessing I’m not at all alone here.

    There has been a few times where he got so consumed with stressors that it was almost like he forgot there was such a thing as sex and sexual desire. In those instances, I did have to advocate for myself. I reminded him that sex for him was never off the table and requested that he do his best to meet my sexual needs at the time. He is always willing to, but if I didn’t remind him at times, he wouldn’t remember on his own. This is another area where women should not be ashamed of themselves. God made us sexual creatures and seeking sexual fulfillment from a spouse is not something we should ever feel ashamed of (this goes for both genders of course). I was (and sometimes still am) ashamed of having sexual desires and would try to offer very subtle hints hoping he would pick up on them. Of course that never worked and he now tells me to just be open and honest about my needs. It doesn’t sound romantic but real life very rarely looks the same as Hollywood.

  6. For instances where a woman does have the higher sex drive (or is the only one in the mood to the point that sex physically cannot happen), there are things other than intercourse that her husband can do. Just putting that out there………

  7. BGR,

    Yeah, I think that at the end of the day, she does have to accept that her husband may just have a lower sex drive and work with it from there. I also agree with you that it’s likely not a medical problem. I think that it’s worth trying some other things to see if they make things better for the two of them, but like you said, she may have to recognize that it is okay for her to have sex with her husband when he’s not 100% feeling it (although it’s okay for her if she can’t get past what is a pretty deeply engrained part of most women’s sexual nature as long as she doesn’t let it hurt her marriage) or make do with masturbation and fantasy when he’s not in the mood.

  8. @Anna,

    Wow! You covered that way better than I did. I think that some women may have trouble getting past it if their husband wants to please them but isn’t in the mood for much themselves. I think that it’s probably better for their marriage in the long run if they accept those offers from their husband and don’t see him as less of a man for it, as you said. But if they can’t, then they should work to make do with masturbation and fantasy. Men and women can non-grudgingly give one another sex while not in the mood, but they can’t ultimately force themselves to be in the mood.

  9. A few thoughts:

    1) Your husband is sinning if he is not making a good faith effort to sexually fulfill your sexual desires. (1 Cor 7:5) In fact what he is doing is similar to excommunication he may be turning you over to Satan.

    2) Even though your husband is sinning you cannot tell his so. (1 Pe 3:1-2)

    3) Even though you cannot tell your husband that he is in sin you are not helpless. You can bring him to repentance by your conduct of chaste submission without fretting and fear that he will never come around. You can pray for his repentance and your strength to resist the wiles of Satan; to not fear, to find gratitude and not discontent and to seek his highest good. Further you can in full submission ask him like Ester did if you could address him about something that is troubling your spirit and leading you to temptation. At that point if he agrees ask him if 1 cor 7:5 applies equally to a husband as to a wife.

    4) If your husband is not in the mood for coitus, you should find satisfaction in his digital and oral ministrations. If he is unwilling then satisfy yourself with simply masturbating in his arms for release. It is best to have your release in his presence or he can easily become the obstacle for sexual satisfaction and not the object of your sexual desire. This viewing him as the sexual killjoy is a real threat that can plant seeds of bitterness in your relationship, do not take it lightly.

    5) Prime his pump. Find what works for him, hold hands, perhaps: initiate kisses when he leaves or arrives in your presence, send sexy texts during the day, whispering provocative things in his ear before desert, a more than casual brush against his crotch in public… the list is endless. Even as the scriptures call him to repentance they call you to not give up and despair. Have fun seeing just how much titillation you can use to provoke him.

    6) Consider this time as a test of your faith; Peter calls this testing more precious than gold. Your suffering is fellowship with the suffering of Christ, (Phil 3:10) if you suffer in righteousness (not selfishness) bearing the immediate penalty for your husband’s sin. (Christ pays the eternal penalty, but his sin still affects you). This is not ideal, ” But let patience have its perfect work, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing.” James 1:4 Even though you accept this as a time of intense sanctification it is not God’s blueprint for marriage, continue to pray that God will bring your husband to repentance. If that means testosterone supplementation or just more concern for his wife the Holy Spirit will have to bring that about, so call on God and conduct yourself in holiness to persuade your husband.

  10. Even though the poster believes porn isn’t an issue for her husband, it still may be. Excessive porn use is a major problem for many (perhaps most) men. We are pretty good at hiding it.

    In my own marriage, my wife has always had a WAY LOWER libido than me, and I get rejected all the time. I got frustrated with being rejected all the time, and went to porn to “make up the difference”, and ended up using it excessively (addiction?). This caused me to have less desire for my wife, and the frequency of our sex life decreased dramatically (to around once a month).

    When I stop using porn and all masturbation, and pursue her constantly, our frequency may improve to 2-3 times a month.

    Terrible!

    I don’t think my sex drive is excessive. I could live with sex frequency anywhere between a minimum of once a week up to an optimal once a day.. I cannot live with once or twice a month. Especially since it is usually not very good sex anyway (starfish?).

    I’ve seriously considered moving to Africa in order to take a second wife. I understand that the Bible permits men to have more than one wife, but do not believe that infrequent sex is Biblical grounds for divorce.

    Back to the poster’s question.

    I also wonder if the husband may have health problems. Excessive weight, poor sleep habits, stress from work, can all contribute to low libido.

    Still, for most husbands, excessive porn and masturbation are the real issue.

  11. @Barth
    –> In my own marriage, my wife has always had a WAY LOWER libido than me, and I get rejected all the time.

    Barth that is not a preference on her part it is sin; yet you can’t help condemning men and protecting the sin of women so you conclude that “for most husbands, excessive porn and masturbation are the real issue.”

    The real issue is that your wife is sinning against you by rejecting you and defrauding you. You cannot blame-shift her sin on to yourself unless your name is Jesus and you were immaculately conceived the Holy Spirit. Even then He demands repentance.

    No doubt you enjoyed porn because you enjoyed fantasizing about women that desired sex while your wife was not desiring sex. Your desire for a sexually uninhibited, enthusiastic lover is morally good and holy. (Christ desires the same in the worship from His own bide). You were hurt that she rejected you, not just your sexual overtures but you. Women rarely understand how profoundly painful this is to a husband. I would even wager that she rejects you more for using porn, even loathes you with contempt that she has the indignity of being married to a “pervert”.

    No amount of self loathing will change the fact of her sin and destruction of the marriage bed. Your sex drive is not the problem, her defrauding is the problem and it is not due to your lack of submission or leading, it is her duty to respond to you sexually. Paul says better to marry than to burn, but your wife is fiddling as she watches you burn; and instead of using your passion to draw closer to your wife she has turned you over to Satan. The first step to a solution is identifying the true problem.

  12. @Barth,

    I don’t think that there’s anything wrong with masturbation and porn usage, as long its kept to moderation and isn’t allowed to interfere with your life or married sex life. I also don’t think that it sounds like the issue with your sex life was porn or masturbation. I get that you found it decreasing your desire for your wife, but you also say that even when you completely cut those things out, your wife only responds positively to your advances 2-3 times a month when you at least want it once a week (so 4-5 times a month) and would prefer it as often as every day. Like Jonadab said, that sounds like the bigger problem by far. I don’t think that there’s any shame or sin in using porn and masturbating to cope with sexual denial, and it’s extremely probable that you’d be able to use it occasionally without it impacting your married sex life at all if your wife had sex with you more often and put more effort into it (non-starfish).

    As an aside, plenty of married men and women masturbate regularly without having it make their sex life worse. In fact, for many people, it makes their sex lives better because it helps men and women figure out how they’d like to be pleasured during sex with their wife or husband. It also helps them when they can’t have sex with their spouse due to illness or distance, and it allows them to engage in harmless sexual fantasy that may ultimately increase their desire for their spouse.

  13. @Barth,

    I agree with what Jonadab and Alex have both said.

    I agree with what Jonadab said about your masturbation and porn usage not being the real issue but rather a reaction to your wife’s sinful sexual denial.
    I agree with what Alex said that you should not have any shame in masturbating or looking at porn when done in measure and you are looking at porn that does not depict sinful things like homosexuality, orgies, bestiality or any other type sex that is not within God’s design. Another way to say this is you should only be looking at imagery that contains an adult man and adult woman having sex as this is God’s design for sex.

    Also in regard to what you thought was your loss of desire due to porn and masturbation let me just say this. There is a HUGE difference between loosing desire to have sex as often with your wife because you want to avoid being hurt by her denial and you not wanting to have sex because you think porn is just more fun. Some men have wives that are more than willing to have sex with them any time they want but they would rather look at porn and masturbate – that is when porn and masturbation become wrong.

    But it sounds like you were simply pursuing sex with your wife less out of a desire to not be hurt by her denial and in that case your loss of desire was not wrong because it was a desire to not let her continue to hurt you. Some women actually get a sick thrill out of turning their husbands down and we as husbands must watch for this and do what we can to combat it.

  14. @BGR,

    “But it sounds like you were simply pursuing sex with your wife less out of a desire to not be hurt by her denial and in that case your loss of desire was not wrong because it was a desire to not let her continue to hurt you.”

    Completely agree with this. It also doesn’t even sound as though Barth started rejecting his wife occasionally during those times. Like you said, he merely pursued her less. I don’t see any sin on his part at all.

  15. Thanks for the responses everybody. I know my wife is sinning, by defrauding me of sufficient sexual relations. I’ve told her that she is sinning by doing so. In her defense, she is FAR more submissive than most American wives (my wife is from another country, where the women are more feminine. We met in college 20 years ago). Still, I need to continue to confront her regarding her sin.

    She does know that this issue has caused me to intently study the scriptures regarding the issue of polygamy, and that I am absolutely pursuaded that it is lawful in the sight of God. Of course lawful doesn’t mean it is practical.

    The topic of polygamy really pisses her off,though neither she nor anyone else we know (pastors, elders, etc.) can refute it.

    I do think my porn use has been excessive at times.

  16. Her husband is the one who needs to correct his neglect of his wife’s desires. Unless he has some disorder that causes impotence or he is injured so as to be incapable to perform his marital duty, he needs to get busy and do his best to satisfy his wife.
    If he is worn ragged from work or is sick, she should “ask for a raincheck” but if this goes on for too long, rather than to “satisfy” (abuse) herself she should demand that he put aside whatever is distracting him from pleasuring his wife and get to “work.”
    Paul strongly advised marriage “to avoid fornication.” Just being married is not enough; performance of the marital duty is required. If one is unwilling, don’t marry.

  17. Barth, forget toying around with the idea of obtaining a sister wife as a rival to the wife of your youth. The defense of the Biblical laws concerning polygamy has to do with accuracy of interpretation of scripture, not with what is wise (“expedient”) in a Roman-style monogamous (actually “serially polygamous”) society.
    Also, if your wife is offended by your viewing of pornography, dump it. She may feel that she cannot compete with the airbrushed, Photoshopped Barbie dolls you lust after. She also may be put off by the perverse sexual practices you watch your fave pornstars perpetrating. When we had a more moral, or less immoral, society these perversions were felonies, the “abominable and detestable crimes against nature, not to be mentioned among Christians.” These perversions were so despised that they could not be mentioned by name or description. Corrupt men, many pretending to be Christians, went to prostitutes to have the perversions performed upon them. Many prostitutes would not do these things.

  18. I question how a husband having a low libido and rejecting his wife’s advances is not sinful, yet a woman who has low libido and rejects her husband’s advances is sinful….

  19. Emma Leigh,

    Your Statement:

    “I question how a husband having a low libido and rejecting his wife’s advances is not sinful, yet a woman who has low libido and rejects her husband’s advances is sinful….”

    Where in her story did she say her husband was rejecting her advances? He only desires sex rarely but he was not rejecting her initiation. She wanted him to initiate more. She wants him to want it as often as much as her. This was not about sexual denial, but sexual desire. Two very difference things.

  20. oh please help me with wisdom and guidance. My plea is sincere.
    Been married 30+years, wife has a true calling to serve God and has done so. We’re both Christians and have been active in our church for many years. All through our marriage she has been timid regarding sex. Almost to the point of being the SNL “Church Lady”… very specific rules and quiet, door locked, missionary, etc… Over time I went through all the emotions of anger, fear, resentment, depression…you name it. In the last 2 years it became so bad that i suffered ED due to depression brought on by her unwillingness to have sex. We were doing it 1/60 days?? maybe?? …anyway, I was able to overcome ED when I went to the doctor and realized i’d be depending upon her to stick my ‘manhood’ with a syringe…Oh heavens i got busy getting back. I’m still not the man i used to be but who is.
    Anyway, we go to marriage counseling but she’s like in denial. she said we’d had sex about 4 or 5 days before, when we’d not had it in several weeks?! She always comes back with “I don’t keep count”…I’ve tried and tried talking to her and trying to make this work….. You get the picture….
    Well, i purchased a spy camera because i felt i was going to get canned at work due to age, etc… i set it up in our bedroom just for grins but really wanted to see how long it would record along with the sound. Okay i come home that afternoon and almost forget about checking the little camera. It had recorded about 50 minutes. It showed her masturbating less than 10 minutes after i left…. I was shocked and almost overcome with anxiety. Honestly, I had to use two hands to move the mouse around. I was shaking, literally shaking. How long has she been doing this, what is she thinking or watching…. how could she be so cruel to deny me sex? And that’s where I’m at, feeling she’s cruel and has some sort of mental health issues. Not because of the masturbation but she’s always put on this persona of one thing and flat out denying me sex and then saying we’ve had it when we didn’t…. she denies masturbating no matter how i ask or bring the subject up. She has totally lied to me, her husband and best friend and truly a man who’s love runs deep.
    Please help me to know what to do.
    So, i’ve set the camera every morning and over my last 6 working days, she’s masturbated 4 times with today being multiples. Remember this is within an hour of my leaving for work. And the camera only records for 50 minutes… lot’s more time in the day. But we’ve had sex twice in those 6 days, so i’m a bit encouraged. She even allowed me to perform oral sex on her for more than 30 seconds…WOWZER!!!!
    She’s been a great liar but for how long? As I’ve watched the videos, she always has the tv on something with black people, i’m not racist so stand down… but it’s men and women doing talk shows or a recorded episode of something. But it’s always someone of color. Not surprised suspected this for years as a secret feeling she harbored.
    Please talk to me and help me address this feeling of betrayal and my racing thoughts of what else she’s lying about. And oh yes, her phone is off limits to me or at the very least if i do play with it she’s always hovering. i’m not stopping the camera and in fact i’m getting one that will record for several days so i will know and have the facts and present them in her face!! okay, sorry but you see where i’m at.

    To top it all off, she’s continuing a new ministry and i’m so very proud of her and i don’t want to side track it. I wonder if Satan is pulling something and trying to derail her ministry???

  21. Survivor,

    As I have proven from the Scriptures multiple times on this blog – sexual fantasy, sexual imagination and masturbation are not Biblically wrong for men or women by itself. But sexual fantasy and masturbation can become sin if it causes you not to desire sex with your spouse.

    So just because your wife may have fantasies about black men is not the issue. The issue is that she would rather masturbate to these fantasies then have sex with you and that is a serious issue.

    There are many Christian people, both men and women, that live dual lives because because of their inability to reconcile their sexual desires with what they have been taught is sexual sin. It is possible that your wife feels guilty each and every time after masturbating or it is possible that she is has no guilt but she literally is sucked into this fantasy world to point where she is neglecting you.

    In either case you must confront her directly. You can tell her it is not about her masturbating and having fantasies – but it is the fact that she is denying you because of it of her overindulgence in this. The fact that you had a camera in the room will bother her so I am not sure how you can handle that. Is is possible you could try and figure out the times she does this and act like you are leaving but then sneak home and quietly come in to catch her and then talk?

    Her having sex with you more lately is great – but if she goes back to her old ways you have to be honest and have this discussion with her.

  22. Thank you for seeing it’s not a racial thing or even gender but it’s 180 degrees from whom I’ve known or thought I knew. Part of me says roll with it and count my blessings. But the lying has really got me twisted. What about my thoughts on Satan using this to derail her new ministry?
    But for the sake of argument if I did confront
    her with the truth she could go right back to shutting me off. And in the end I like we’re being intimate, it excites me to know there is a volcano in there but the lies have got to go

  23. @Survivor,

    So, you’ve seen her masturbate four times this week, but you’ve also had sex more often than usual, and she’s been less prudish about it? It sounds like she might be masturbating and fantasizing to increase her desire for you. Of course, we can’t know for sure because you don’t know what her previous habits were. But it does sound like there’s a correlation between her masturbating frequently this week and her becoming more open to wed than usual. It’s possible that she did realize that she had a problem after she thought more about your counseling appointment. It could also just be a blip, but you might want to collect more data and hold off on saying anything for the next couple of weeks. If the sex continues to improve or at least stay better than it’s been and she continues to masturbate regularly, then you’ll have your answer.

  24. Much appreciated advice. I’ve been thinking along similar lines. It’s been quite the overwhelming week or 2 for me and this platform has helped reduce my anxiety. Maybe I shouldn’t over analyze and enjoy the experience. More data, more time and don’t push it…sounds like a plan

  25. Survivor,

    Alex brought up a good point that instead of this being some long term thing – it might be recent where she is actually allowing herself to let go and first she has to do it in private so she can do more with you. If that is the case then this is actually a good thing. And the results will speak for themselves.

    So I would probably revise my advice and say wait and see if things continue to improve.

    And on the issue of her lieing to you about it – a lot of people have a very hard time admitting they masturbate. I would not hold that against her. The important thing to gage over the next few months is does you sex life and frequency improve or does it go back to the way things were.

  26. Thank you. All good advice. It’s been very calming for me to know this platform is here and is grounded in Christianity

  27. Needed to update you and just listen to some feedback. It’s been lonely the past 2 weeks. We’ve been intimate but she’s back to her old ways about oral sex and door closed, lights off, be quiet. She’s continued her daily ritual and she’s at 7 days masturbating out of 13 where she had the opportunity to be alone. One day i’m not kidding it was over and over for almost the entire morning. I’m NOT feeling any gratification or satisfaction from knowing all this. I’ve tried so many ways to get her to talk about things.. like let’s share a secret, or which celebrity turns her crank, and i’ve tried to make it fun or very light hearted. we had a few good jokes but she just refuses to answer and claims she doesn’t have those kind of thoughts or secrets. Again back to the standard lies. I really need for you to get this… when she refuses to answer, man, it’s a dang wall and the great abyss. she just stops talking and is dang stone faced…there’s no room for discussing and it’s almost like another person emerges?? Crazy i know but I’ve always felt like that. Also, i finally got her appleid and p/w. looked at what all she’d been downloading and came across 30? different dating sites, or video/cam sites… the apps aren’t on her phone now but she’d downloaded them last year when she was the only member of the family with an iphone. Makes you go hhhhmmmmmmm…. I still can’t see her with another man, just can’t.

    So here’s the plan i’ve been working on and i think it’s paying off. loaded my phone up with various internet searches on things like cheating wife, confronting a cheater, is it someone else or is she masturbating…you get the picture. And yes, Saturday she wanted my phone to look up something and i handed it over ever so innocently. she spent a long time scrolling through my searches/history but never said anything. she finally found what she was looking for and handed it back. Last night i had a new batch of searches and left my phone on the bed like i was asleep. sure enough she looked through it and then put it on the charger next to me. i’m getting rid of the cameras as i’ve got more than enough evidence and i’m tired of all this. Making an appt with the marriage counselor and i’m going for broke. Will get her to lie and lie about masturbating and ‘carnal thoughts’ and then just tell her what i know and how i know it. present it as she has a problem and we’re in this together…. thoughts? am i crazy or should i just get rid of the camera’s and continue with the internet searches, etc…??? The apps she downloaded bothered me quite a bit, but nothings on there now and it was several months ago when she last downloaded anything….

    Give me your best shot

  28. Survivor

    I’m sorry to intrude into your situation like this, but I felt compelled to give you a bit of my perspective about the whole masturbation thing. I hope you don’t mind!

    Just so I can get a better understanding, is your wife the type of person that is overly concern with the type of “image” she displays to others? Does she strive to be percieved a certain way?
    My second question is (you don’t need to go into details) but do you know if she has ever been sexually abused or molested in her childhood?
    Third question has she ever orgasmed during sex with you?
    Last question when you have tried talking to her about this, have you ever asked her these questions; What do you believe sex within a Christian marriage looks like? Is it ok for a woman to act “slutty” with her husband? Is the act of sex pleasurable for her? What does sex mean to her?

    Regardless of the answers, heres my take on her masturbation.
    It seems she is unable to connect with you through sex. She might have a disconnect mentally with actually enjoying the act of sex with someone.
    It could be a number of things and if you guys go to counseling the cause might be revealed.
    But here are potential causes;
    1. She finds the act of sex uncomfortable or awkward
    This means she might have insecurites concerning her body or perfomance or she dislikes the act of actually being touched by a man ( not you in a personal way) or just going through the process of making love.
    2. She is unable to “get there” during intercourse
    Maybe only masturbating helps her orgasm so she needs release and that’s the only way she can achieve this.
    If this is the case what this would mean is that shes actually a very sexual woman, she just has her sexual energy coming in through the wrong source. If she has masturbated since childhood she has simply wired herself to only achieve orgasm through masturbation.

    This is where my personal input will come in. I’m this type of woman. I have masturbated since I was very young. I still do to this day. My husband also disliked knowing I do this, however he hasn’t made such a big deal to me about it. The only difference is im very open sexually with him. I am willing to do everything with him, but I am unable to “get there” through sex as well. So what my husband does is let me do it while he watches lol.
    Could it be possible that you could suggest she do this in front of you?

    3. She might have a certain kink she only feels comfortable fantasizing about, but cannot bring herself to actually perform it with you.
    It might be possible there is someone she pictures specifically or it might be a specific scenario that she turns to for pleasure but again what this means is she has a disconnect with sex, doesnt get what sex means when you have it with your husband, and she has turned sex in her mind into a solo activity.
    I doubt she has done this intentionally to avoid you, but if it really is because she wants to avoid you then only you could give yourself the answer as to why that would be.
    Do you guys have underlining issues that she might be hung up about with you?
    4. Masturbating relaxes her. She might use the act of masturbating and orgasm to release stress, again if intercourse with you doesnt make her as comfortable as masturbating and if having intercourse doesnt give her an orgasm she will no doubt turn to masturbation to get her fix. Is she a stressed individual?

    Overall I think it’s great if you take her to marriage counseling to get to the bottom of this.
    Remember that issues around someones sexuality can be rooted in shame and fear so getting her to open up completely about it will take a lot of time and patience on your part.
    Pray to the Lord that she find healing in this area.
    The only thing you can do is not aggravate it further. My bet is shes already onto you and knows youre trying to get it out of her and for whatever reason she doesn’t feel safe letting you know. The thing you can do is show her you are safe to let her know. If she suspects you will lose it or get seriously hurt by her confession she will not tell you no matter what.
    Also consider that if she is masturbating continually she won’t be into sex, and so when you bring it up it will make her feel guilty that she had her fix and you are turning to her for your needs and she has selfishly already taken care of herself so this will stop her from wanting to talk about it for fear of outing herself to you. It might be something as innocent as this being the case, but the darkest reason she might be hiding will be the hardest to deal with if this is the case.
    What I’m about to say might be very disturbing, but its legit and its something she will need lots of help and support to overcome.
    If she was ever sexually abused, she might harbor fantasies of being abused, or raped maybe by the same perpetrator or others or even you, actually raping her or even picture other random men or even you raping other women. This will get her off if she has been disturbed to this extent by past trauma. The good news is this is fixable, but she has to reach a point where she can no longer be ashamed of this fact and actively begins pursuing healing and becoming healthy sexually.
    Of course this is extreme but if this is the case she will no doubt have an extremely hard time admitting this to anyone.
    In my honest opinion it sounds like she is hiding this not because she wants to be cruel and doesnt care about your needs, but I feel she has been through something and either hasnt told you or if she has she hasn’t told you everything.
    Therapy will help if she is willing to be honest to the therapist.
    I think asking her if she has ever been sexually abused and gauging her response to that might give you a clue.

    Just let her know, if you do ask her, that you sincerely care for her and only want to know because you want to be there for her because you understand that, for men and women who have gone through this, it is a very scary and lonely experience and its hard to suffer in silence harboring this inside you. Tell her you will love her no matter what. It might encourage her to open up to you.

    But my advice would be (if you are unsure if she has been abused before)
    to first bring up the topic of sexual abuse without making it personal and gauge her reaction to it. Tell her a story you heard about or read or find something that relates to sexual abuse and observe her reaction. Later you can ask her directly if she has been abused and then gauge her response. Know that this will be asked during counseling as well, most likely in private between her and the therapist. So it’s a topic that should be discussed anyways.
    I hope this helps!!

  29. Wanted to say WOW. You’ve touched so many topics i’ve considered. No time right now but later today I will provide details. Just wanted you to know I AM GRATEFUL for your comments.

  30. Ok i’ll be as brief as possible. Lots of ground to cover. Q1: yes. She’s insecure about her body. Q2: nope. To be honest it’s a major turn on for me to see and feel her climax. But naturally it doesn’t always happen. Including me since my ED. Q3: I never thought so until a few weeks ago. I’ve tried for years and it’s a quick cold discussion ending response of no or I just don’t think that way. Now I know better. Q4: this has my vote as i can see it throughout our marriage. But it’s now become much more and perhaps an escape mechanism? I do know she was a virgin when we married. For us to have sex her gyn had to get involved.

    I also see an “addiction” type of affect in her. She home all day but has no interest in organizing the house putting pictures up vacuuming. Like I’ve not seen her vacuum in a year. Clothes are in piles as the closet is full of junk. Dont stereotype me but im bringing in the money. Can she not show appreciation? Her grocery buying is always what’s needed at the moment. Never plans. I thought it was because her thoughts were on getting back into the ministry. But now I can’t help but connect the frequency with apathy, self pleasure, immediate satisfaction etc. Just like an addict. 2 of our kids did multiple stints in rehab so I’m speaking from experience.

    A perceptive note on molestation. I don’t think she was but I feel she was caught doing something like masturbating. Her response is so intense and seems to resonate from a deeper place. But if you reverse that question then yes I was molested for years by my older brother and I’ve suffered all that comes with it. I’m not gay and not bi. It started when i was about 8 and he was 12. Lasted about 9 years. Kept it secret until last year when i was able to let go of it and tell her, with my therapist of 14 years who specializes in adults dealing with molestation. Of course he’s always known and he help me to follow through. Great man.

    But that has allowed me to feel her love and acceptance. I never knew what love was. Cliche I know but it’s just true. I get so much from her just curling up with me and falling asleep. It’s the best.

    But now this has entered the picture. I resent her lying and resent strongly her withholding sex and making it my fault because I wasnt being sweet to her blah blah blah… like i have to earn it.

    So what’s your thoughts on me telling her tonight even tho she’ll lie at first but i’ll be as loving and accepting and open hearted on my knees receptive that i can be. I will tell her i came back one morningand saw her and she didnt hear me.

  31. Yea the probability that she has become addicted to masturbating is highly possible. And she’s just being stubborn and refuses to stop so she will resist anything that she perceives as a threat to her stopping this, but it must be done. She cannot continue to be selfish and deny you sex. She is not only hurting you but hurting herself and the intimacy within the marriage as God intended it to be.
    So you’re unsure of how long she has been masturbating right? Or is this recent? She should not make you earn sex, ever. But sex is also not meant to be obligatory, it should feel like a natural response to a healthy and loving marriage. It is an expression of love and desire for another. So it helps to make sure your partner is getting the right kind of motivation and stimulation in order to keep sex from becoming one sided or forced upon. Neither the husband or wife should feel pressured into having it, that just kills the mood you know? Let me say I’m sorry you went through what you did and I’m so glad you found healing from it. All I will say is I can relate.
    How did she respond to knowing about your past and the molestation? Has she been supportive of you?
    Do not grovel at her feet about it. You dont need to get to the point of feeling you gotta get on your knees to show her how much you can take this. You gotta be upfront instead about it and stand your ground that this is not acceptable as its ruining the intimacy you guys should be sharing. I agree that pretending you caught her would be better than showing her the proof you have, at first. She might still deny it as she might think your bluffing but just call out her lies and tell her its better if she just admits it before she makes a fool of herself.
    All I can suggest to you is what my husband did when he found out I had been doing this at one time in our marriage and I wasn’t giving him as much sex as he wanted but I was doing this behind his back.
    What he did was give grace but he let me have it and lectured me about it. He proceeded to tell me he expected me to stop and made it clear I understood why and made me be accountable to him. He also made sure I had enough to do throughout the day so I wouldn’t have “free time” and if I failed he made me compensate for it by doing a special offer for him either in the bedroom or outside of it.
    I know many women would resist this and hate to be treated this way, but you gotta be strong and direct about your needs. Trust me im a very rebellious person by nature but my husband is naturally dominant so our roles were easier to fall into but still, eventually I became convicted of my sins and began to submit to him in this area. I still do it but I make sure to take care of his needs so he has nothing to complain about, and I can still enjoy myself during sex even if the focus is entirely on him. Had he been complacent about it I would have been very neglectful of his needs. But he would constantly chastice me verbally until my stubbornness gave way to understanding. Do not verbally abuse her but be very upfront and demanding of your needs in a very firm and practical manner.
    You need to exert your dominance over her and let her know what you expect of her and if she doesn’t follow through, she will lose privileges and she will lose your favors.
    You have every right to expect more of her.
    She should be appreciative and should be pulling her own weight in her marriage, instead of just being a liability for you.
    She has either gotten lazy, is harboring a grudge against you or is suffering some mental illness like depression.
    The way you put it she sounds unmotivated and complacent.
    And you sound too lenient on her. You should start confronting her on her laziness around the house and start putting expectations on her and if she fails to follow through you reprimand her verbally and take away privileges from her. It is perfectly biblical to place boundaries, have expectations on your spouse and have them deal with the repercussion of their actions.
    Let her know why it is and leave it at that.
    Don’t give in to tantrums or threats simply ignore them and carry on. She needs to be confronted of this and not just asked why she’s doing it, but make it clear to her that this has now crossed over to sin, and that you expect her to stop. You can even invest in cameras for the whole house and tell her you want to keep an eye on your property and you have every right to do this. The cameras would help in her accountability to you, and also let her know that she cannot hide from Gods eyes and He knows the sin she is so willfully committing. Tell her she must be accountable to you over this because she is your wife and you do have the right to have sex with her and enjoy her not just be cast aside, but be willing to be open to anything she needs in order to make it more comfortable for her and where you can help her overcome whatever is holding her back.
    But it should be clear you guys will be working on this. If she wants to bounce then let her. Theres nothing you can do, all you CAN do is place the proper boundaries on her, let her know your wishes and expectations and then let her be responsible for herself. Give it to God. Dont give up or give in, you are the man of the house and she must respect you as her husband who she vowed to honor and love till death.
    I hope my advice is helpful to you, above all pray to the Lord for guidance and wisdom in this dilemma. And pray for her.

  32. @RandomGirl

    Hi RandomGirl and everyone else on this blog. I am a young Christian lady who is amazed at your wisdom, sweetness and your kindness in giving advice to people on this blog. I am wondering if you I could please contact you in some way or another. You can contact me via the contact form at http://fightingtheevilsofmammon.blogspot.com.au/

    May God bless you and all of you on this blog.

    Grace and peace

    JoJo

  33. @RandomGirl

    I have some questions that I want to ask about sexuality from a non-prudish, and very sexually open Christian woman. That is why.

    I would be delighted if I could contact you.

  34. Well she was highly defensive and denied it until I just kept asking over and over. She admitted to doing it 1 or 2 times because i’d been commenting on it alot? She said the feeling didnt last thAT long and she really didnt enjoy it. (OMG WHAT A LIE) Used the old I came back for wallet excuse. She stuck to only doing it 1 or 2 times and denies looking at her phone while doing it. Sorta spiraled downhill from there with her accussing me of just another way I’m tracking her. I don’t track her! She never liked the nanny software I had on our main computer but I was keeping the boys as honest as I could. So now she’s upset and saying “i try to do things and you resent them blah blah blah….” I’ve got the cam back up just in case I need the evidence. Just going to lay back and see what happens. Oh you were right she was on to me snooping on her phone and some other things. Cheers. 3:00am??? Get some zleep

  35. Lol I think the time zone is off. I posted this at 11:00 pm last night from where I live. And I have a 5 month old so I tend to be up throughout the night anyways.

    Hmm it seems shes afraid of your reaction to the truth. Are you able to accept that she does this? Is it possible that you could suggest a compromise? Why don’t you show her that you find this hot and would like for her to do this in front of you? Respond to it in a positive way and try to get her to open up sexually to you. Maybe if she knows that you have a new interest in her and that she knows now that her secret is out she wont feel the high of it being a secret and she will probably come around to the idea that it is ok and she might loosen up around you. Tell her theres no reason for her to keep it a secret from you. But do tell her that she doesn’t need to be engaging in this alone and to remember that shes married and that’s what youre there for.

    As for her getting mad at you tracking her, well its your right to know where your wife is and what she’s up to. Privacy is not a right within a healthy marriage. Open honesty is what should be expected and nothing less. You should reinforce this to her and make her see why this is the case.

    What does “I try to do things and you resent me” mean? And tell her you know it’s not true she didn’t like it because the number of times shes engaged in this says otherwise lol
    Just be honest about what you know without showing the proof, you know deep down she knows what youre saying is true and it will convict her, she cab lie all she wants but you and God know the truth and she does too.
    And then dont make it a big deal, make not having sex with you a big deal because thats really the issue here.
    Goodluck!

  36. Hey JoJo,

    Sure I would be fine with talking with you. Do you have an email or something I can contact you on? Or just leave a comment on your page? I saw your link to your blog, do you wanna talk on one of your articles?

  37. Well I’m calming down and going into slow mode. She knew I had a few spy cameras over the years and thank heaven i put them up rather than recharge them. Even showed her they were in pieces. destroyed the sd cards ahead of her asking for them. Just played dumb and I had no idea. Yes I’m stupid and let my imagination run away with me. And on top of it i ordered a boat load of paper bills from verizon and forgot to have them sent to my work. She knew exactly what thry were and i had no ezcuses but im sorry. Gonna be a long summer. So let this be a lesson on how NOT to handle the situation.

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