How should a Christian wife deal with her higher sex drive?

“How do I get my husband’s sex drive to increase…We’ve been married for five years now, and he still doesn’t want to have sex more than twice a week… Is there anything wrong with pleasing myself every day until he wants something?”  – This is part of a comment I received from a woman who calls herself Kat in response to my post “The benefits of being a sexually obedient wife”.

Christian women are often embarrassed to admit that they have higher sex drives than their husbands for the simple fact that in most cases husbands usually have higher sex drives than their wives.  But there are some situations in which a wife may actually have a higher sex drive than her husband and this is nothing to be ashamed about.

For some couples the man had a higher sex drive in their younger years but as they age it actually reverses and when the woman is older she actually wants it more than him. For some men stress in their jobs may decrease their drive while for others they have lost their sex drive due to years of sexual denial by their wife in the earlier years of their marriage. But it does not seem to appear that any of these things I have mentioned are factors in Kat’s story.  Below is her full comment.

Kat’s Story

“How do I get my husband’s sex drive to increase? I’m really horny all day, but my husband only wants to have sex once a week, if that. It’s disappointing, because I thought marriage came with that added benefit. We’ve been married for five years now, and he still doesn’t want to have sex more than twice a week. I get that a lot of couples go through this, but I don’t know how to cure it myself. Is it okay to go out and buy toys? He’s not cheating on me (he works from home, it would be pretty obvious), he’s definitely heterosexual, he doesn’t even have a laptop to be sneaking porn, is loving and wonderful to me, and doesn’t have a very stressful job. It’s just a low sex drive, which he readily admits to. Is there anything wrong with pleasing myself every day until he wants something?”

My response to Kat

As I said in my introduction you have nothing to be ashamed of for having a higher sex drive than your husband. Also it does not necessarily mean that your husband has any less love or attraction to you because he wants to have sex less than you.

Some men simply have lower drives – it is rare but it does happen. It might also be a situation of low testosterone but contrary to all the commercials out there a man getting testosterone treatments does not mean he will automatically want more sex. Also they are now discovering there are health risks to artificially increasing a man’s testosterone level.

“How do I get my husband’s sex drive to increase?”

Kat you are demonstrating a very important difference between men and women when it comes to sexual desire.  It is true that both men and women both what their spouses to truly desire to have sex with them as much as they do. Mutually strong desire – that is what we would all love to see every time we have sex as a married couple.

The difference between men and women is that for most women their husband must 100% desire to have sex with them.  If it is 90%, 80%, 50% and so on most women would say no to such a sexual encounter with their husbands.

But most men would take 90%, 80%, 50% and even some would take 0% even though they would prefer it to be at least be 50%. The reason is because for men sex is first a physical activity and then only secondarily an emotional activity. Men have a physical need to not only release their semen on a regular basis but they also have a physical need to visually take in their wife’s body, the taste of her skin and the scent of her body.

Just a note on mutual sexual desire before I continue. What I just described about men being able to have sex when they know their wife is not 100% wanting it is something that simply does not compute for a lot of women.  If I had a dime for every email and comment I got from women (and some men) where the phrase “sex should only happen when both the man and woman mutually desire it” I could retire.  This is because these women and some men are only looking at sex from the perspective of women and dismissing entirely the sexual perspective and different needs of men.

Ok In am off my soap box – back to your situation.

It sounds to me that you are like most women that if your husband does not 100% mutually desire to have sex you would not want to have sex and that is ok.

So then we come to your question about how to increase your husband’s sex drive.  While it is possible that you are right and it is just low libido I recommend you look at my post “12 Reasons your husband may not want to have sex with you” and see if there could be any other causes or contributors to his low libido.  There may not be – but it does not hurt to look.

If you determine that it really is just low libido and you could stand in front of your husband naked or in lingerie and some days he just would not care to have sex that day then you may need to handle your higher libido in a different way which leads us to your other question.

“Is there anything wrong with pleasing myself every day until he wants something?”

The answer to your question is No – there is nothing wrong with you “pleasing” yourself (i.e. masturbating) as a way to make up for the difference in sexual desire between your husband and yourself.

And there is nothing wrong with you using sex toys by yourself either.

Masturbation can be healthy way to not only make up for differences in libido but it can also help you to discover how your body works so you can have better sex with your husband.

Some might say “As Christians we are not please ourselves but only others and God”. While that may sound holy and sanctimonious that is not what the Bible teaches. We are called to deny the corrupt desires of our sinful nature. We are called to put God’s will before our own which may SOMETIMES requires us to forgo some things that are not sinful but at the time we may not be able to do.

We are not however called to deny certain natural hungers that God has designed us with.  Instead we must channel those desires and exercise them within the bounds of God’s law.

Most of us as human beings have three great hungers that are built into us by the design of God.  We hunger for food, for human contact and sex. Now some don’t have a great need for human contact where they would be perfectly happy living out in the woods in a cabin and never seeing another living soul. Others have little to no hunger for sex.  But the majority of us as human beings have a hunger to a greater or lesser degree for all three of these things I have mentioned.

Some Christians would try and tell you that God meant for all sexual activities to occur only in the marriage bed between a man and a woman.  They base this belief on passages like one from Hebrews:

“Marriage is honourable in all, and the bed undefiled: but whoremongers and adulterers God will judge.” – Hebrews 13:4 (KJV)

But they fail to see that Hebrews as well as the rest of the Scriptures restrict sexual RELATIONS to be only between a man and a woman in marriage.

The Scriptures do NOT restrict all sexual thoughts or sexual activities to marriage.

So as long as you masturbate in a way that does not take away your desire for sex with your husband to the point that you are still trying to have regular relations with him then there is no sin in this and I think it will help with your frustration at the difference in your sexual desires.

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23 thoughts on “How should a Christian wife deal with her higher sex drive?

  1. >>> How do I get my husband’s sex drive to increase?

    In addition to the above, here are things that are turn offs to men:

    1. Act more feminine. The more masculine a woman acts the more of a turn off it will be.

    2. Wear more feminine clothing (e.g. clothing only women wear like skirts, dresses, etc.). See above for more details.

    3. Decrease his stress as much as possible. Stress is a libido killer. If he’s stressed at work then stress at home will likely be even more of a turn off. This can include things like being more attentive or relaxation type activities like giving him a massage. Allow him to kick back and relax after a hard days work with a beer and/or whatever. Find out what he wants to do or does for relax and be happy for him to do it.

    4. Respect him. Disrespect is another turn off. Rolling the eyes, snarky comments, muttering under the breath. We talk about submission all the time, but righteous submission starts with the right attitude. Are you doing it to please God and your husband (desire) or are you doing it just because (works mentality). Ask him what you can do to respect him more.

    These are some of the major things, but there are other turn off that other men have as well. Ask him if you do anything that turns him off if you’re pretty close.

    That said there is some percentage of the population where men do have low sex drive for whatever reason. Could be low testosterone or other factors. Doctors visit might be a resort if he sees it as a problem, but trying to force him into a doctor visit is disrespectful so you need to be careful about how to bring it up if at all.

    Generally speaking, ASK you husband.

  2. Great points both of you. It’s also possible that Kat’s husband might find his sex drive increasing if she does more to “jump start” it so to speak. He might be someone who finds it difficult to get in the mood without much of a stimulus. Things like wearing lingerie or just teasing his senses with clothes or by changing in front of him could do it. So could being openly enthusiastic and potentially even a bit assertive when initiating. This shows him that you really want him, and (if stress is lowering his libido) suggests that you’re willing to guide the encounter so that he doesn’t have to worry about running out of energy or think about what to do next to please you. Honestly, being really direct and just initiating with a spontaneous handjob or blowjob could work wonders for some men. Definitely ask him what he thinks might help him, but also remember that he may not be fully aware of everything that will excite him during sex. It’s a learning process and may require experimentation. If he’s okay with you trying different things, try new stuff and see if it improves your situation.

  3. Side note: Don’t try anything that seems really weird (think Cosmo tips *shudders*) unless he specifically asks for it.

  4. Alex,

    I think your suggestions and Deep Strength’s suggestions to try and increase her husbands desire are great and I don’t think she should give up anytime soon. But do you think that she also has to accept the possibility that her husband simply has a lower sex drive? I personally think while she needs to go over everything she is doing and look at ideas presented here she has to accept the possibility that in the end he may simply have a lower sex drive.

    Believe me as a man who has a higher sex drive it is always strange to me when I hear of these cases but I feel I have to acknowledge the possibility that he simply has a lower libido.

    Just a thought.

  5. Amen to the whole ‘decrease stress’ concept. My husband and I have what I’m guessing would be about similar sex drives but where mine is more steady (every few days), his is HIGHLY determined by stress. On good times, he has wanted sex two hours apart. We have also gone over a week without sex twice so far d/t his being in a prolonged stressful situation (it didn’t involve me so there wasn’t a whole lot I could do about removing the stress). Sometimes his apparent lack of interest in me during such times has discouraged me.

    He knows what the Bible preaches about sexual denial and is always willing to do something to please me. There are times when that is ok and I don’t push having actual intercourse even though the emotional connection isn’t as strong this way, because I sense that it’s not a great time for him. There are other times when I really do sense that he has a real physical need for sex that he is not aware of because he is consumed by stress and I would guess that I have been accurate about 95% of the time. In such instances, I have asked him if I could try to get him in the mood. Really know what makes your individual man tick and exploit it! This takes humility because our culture is always telling us that the men should be the ones pursuing us while we sit on our high tower and here the roles will be almost reversed (my husband has commented that watching me try so hard to arouse him while he can just lie back and relax is actually a turn-on for him). If my attempts are successful, he has always noted afterwards that he didn’t know he had needed a sexual release that much, and it draws us that much closer. If my attempts are not, than I need to accept that and not let that get in the way of how I view him as a man or me as a woman. Satan is always willing to jump in with lies and this is an area that I definitely have to be on guard in. And I’m guessing I’m not at all alone here.

    There has been a few times where he got so consumed with stressors that it was almost like he forgot there was such a thing as sex and sexual desire. In those instances, I did have to advocate for myself. I reminded him that sex for him was never off the table and requested that he do his best to meet my sexual needs at the time. He is always willing to, but if I didn’t remind him at times, he wouldn’t remember on his own. This is another area where women should not be ashamed of themselves. God made us sexual creatures and seeking sexual fulfillment from a spouse is not something we should ever feel ashamed of (this goes for both genders of course). I was (and sometimes still am) ashamed of having sexual desires and would try to offer very subtle hints hoping he would pick up on them. Of course that never worked and he now tells me to just be open and honest about my needs. It doesn’t sound romantic but real life very rarely looks the same as Hollywood.

  6. For instances where a woman does have the higher sex drive (or is the only one in the mood to the point that sex physically cannot happen), there are things other than intercourse that her husband can do. Just putting that out there………

  7. BGR,

    Yeah, I think that at the end of the day, she does have to accept that her husband may just have a lower sex drive and work with it from there. I also agree with you that it’s likely not a medical problem. I think that it’s worth trying some other things to see if they make things better for the two of them, but like you said, she may have to recognize that it is okay for her to have sex with her husband when he’s not 100% feeling it (although it’s okay for her if she can’t get past what is a pretty deeply engrained part of most women’s sexual nature as long as she doesn’t let it hurt her marriage) or make do with masturbation and fantasy when he’s not in the mood.

  8. @Anna,

    Wow! You covered that way better than I did. I think that some women may have trouble getting past it if their husband wants to please them but isn’t in the mood for much themselves. I think that it’s probably better for their marriage in the long run if they accept those offers from their husband and don’t see him as less of a man for it, as you said. But if they can’t, then they should work to make do with masturbation and fantasy. Men and women can non-grudgingly give one another sex while not in the mood, but they can’t ultimately force themselves to be in the mood.

  9. A few thoughts:

    1) Your husband is sinning if he is not making a good faith effort to sexually fulfill your sexual desires. (1 Cor 7:5) In fact what he is doing is similar to excommunication he may be turning you over to Satan.

    2) Even though your husband is sinning you cannot tell his so. (1 Pe 3:1-2)

    3) Even though you cannot tell your husband that he is in sin you are not helpless. You can bring him to repentance by your conduct of chaste submission without fretting and fear that he will never come around. You can pray for his repentance and your strength to resist the wiles of Satan; to not fear, to find gratitude and not discontent and to seek his highest good. Further you can in full submission ask him like Ester did if you could address him about something that is troubling your spirit and leading you to temptation. At that point if he agrees ask him if 1 cor 7:5 applies equally to a husband as to a wife.

    4) If your husband is not in the mood for coitus, you should find satisfaction in his digital and oral ministrations. If he is unwilling then satisfy yourself with simply masturbating in his arms for release. It is best to have your release in his presence or he can easily become the obstacle for sexual satisfaction and not the object of your sexual desire. This viewing him as the sexual killjoy is a real threat that can plant seeds of bitterness in your relationship, do not take it lightly.

    5) Prime his pump. Find what works for him, hold hands, perhaps: initiate kisses when he leaves or arrives in your presence, send sexy texts during the day, whispering provocative things in his ear before desert, a more than casual brush against his crotch in public… the list is endless. Even as the scriptures call him to repentance they call you to not give up and despair. Have fun seeing just how much titillation you can use to provoke him.

    6) Consider this time as a test of your faith; Peter calls this testing more precious than gold. Your suffering is fellowship with the suffering of Christ, (Phil 3:10) if you suffer in righteousness (not selfishness) bearing the immediate penalty for your husband’s sin. (Christ pays the eternal penalty, but his sin still affects you). This is not ideal, ” But let patience have its perfect work, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing.” James 1:4 Even though you accept this as a time of intense sanctification it is not God’s blueprint for marriage, continue to pray that God will bring your husband to repentance. If that means testosterone supplementation or just more concern for his wife the Holy Spirit will have to bring that about, so call on God and conduct yourself in holiness to persuade your husband.

  10. Even though the poster believes porn isn’t an issue for her husband, it still may be. Excessive porn use is a major problem for many (perhaps most) men. We are pretty good at hiding it.

    In my own marriage, my wife has always had a WAY LOWER libido than me, and I get rejected all the time. I got frustrated with being rejected all the time, and went to porn to “make up the difference”, and ended up using it excessively (addiction?). This caused me to have less desire for my wife, and the frequency of our sex life decreased dramatically (to around once a month).

    When I stop using porn and all masturbation, and pursue her constantly, our frequency may improve to 2-3 times a month.

    Terrible!

    I don’t think my sex drive is excessive. I could live with sex frequency anywhere between a minimum of once a week up to an optimal once a day.. I cannot live with once or twice a month. Especially since it is usually not very good sex anyway (starfish?).

    I’ve seriously considered moving to Africa in order to take a second wife. I understand that the Bible permits men to have more than one wife, but do not believe that infrequent sex is Biblical grounds for divorce.

    Back to the poster’s question.

    I also wonder if the husband may have health problems. Excessive weight, poor sleep habits, stress from work, can all contribute to low libido.

    Still, for most husbands, excessive porn and masturbation are the real issue.

  11. @Barth
    –> In my own marriage, my wife has always had a WAY LOWER libido than me, and I get rejected all the time.

    Barth that is not a preference on her part it is sin; yet you can’t help condemning men and protecting the sin of women so you conclude that “for most husbands, excessive porn and masturbation are the real issue.”

    The real issue is that your wife is sinning against you by rejecting you and defrauding you. You cannot blame-shift her sin on to yourself unless your name is Jesus and you were immaculately conceived the Holy Spirit. Even then He demands repentance.

    No doubt you enjoyed porn because you enjoyed fantasizing about women that desired sex while your wife was not desiring sex. Your desire for a sexually uninhibited, enthusiastic lover is morally good and holy. (Christ desires the same in the worship from His own bide). You were hurt that she rejected you, not just your sexual overtures but you. Women rarely understand how profoundly painful this is to a husband. I would even wager that she rejects you more for using porn, even loathes you with contempt that she has the indignity of being married to a “pervert”.

    No amount of self loathing will change the fact of her sin and destruction of the marriage bed. Your sex drive is not the problem, her defrauding is the problem and it is not due to your lack of submission or leading, it is her duty to respond to you sexually. Paul says better to marry than to burn, but your wife is fiddling as she watches you burn; and instead of using your passion to draw closer to your wife she has turned you over to Satan. The first step to a solution is identifying the true problem.

  12. @Barth,

    I don’t think that there’s anything wrong with masturbation and porn usage, as long its kept to moderation and isn’t allowed to interfere with your life or married sex life. I also don’t think that it sounds like the issue with your sex life was porn or masturbation. I get that you found it decreasing your desire for your wife, but you also say that even when you completely cut those things out, your wife only responds positively to your advances 2-3 times a month when you at least want it once a week (so 4-5 times a month) and would prefer it as often as every day. Like Jonadab said, that sounds like the bigger problem by far. I don’t think that there’s any shame or sin in using porn and masturbating to cope with sexual denial, and it’s extremely probable that you’d be able to use it occasionally without it impacting your married sex life at all if your wife had sex with you more often and put more effort into it (non-starfish).

    As an aside, plenty of married men and women masturbate regularly without having it make their sex life worse. In fact, for many people, it makes their sex lives better because it helps men and women figure out how they’d like to be pleasured during sex with their wife or husband. It also helps them when they can’t have sex with their spouse due to illness or distance, and it allows them to engage in harmless sexual fantasy that may ultimately increase their desire for their spouse.

  13. @Barth,

    I agree with what Jonadab and Alex have both said.

    I agree with what Jonadab said about your masturbation and porn usage not being the real issue but rather a reaction to your wife’s sinful sexual denial.
    I agree with what Alex said that you should not have any shame in masturbating or looking at porn when done in measure and you are looking at porn that does not depict sinful things like homosexuality, orgies, bestiality or any other type sex that is not within God’s design. Another way to say this is you should only be looking at imagery that contains an adult man and adult woman having sex as this is God’s design for sex.

    Also in regard to what you thought was your loss of desire due to porn and masturbation let me just say this. There is a HUGE difference between loosing desire to have sex as often with your wife because you want to avoid being hurt by her denial and you not wanting to have sex because you think porn is just more fun. Some men have wives that are more than willing to have sex with them any time they want but they would rather look at porn and masturbate – that is when porn and masturbation become wrong.

    But it sounds like you were simply pursuing sex with your wife less out of a desire to not be hurt by her denial and in that case your loss of desire was not wrong because it was a desire to not let her continue to hurt you. Some women actually get a sick thrill out of turning their husbands down and we as husbands must watch for this and do what we can to combat it.

  14. @BGR,

    “But it sounds like you were simply pursuing sex with your wife less out of a desire to not be hurt by her denial and in that case your loss of desire was not wrong because it was a desire to not let her continue to hurt you.”

    Completely agree with this. It also doesn’t even sound as though Barth started rejecting his wife occasionally during those times. Like you said, he merely pursued her less. I don’t see any sin on his part at all.

  15. Thanks for the responses everybody. I know my wife is sinning, by defrauding me of sufficient sexual relations. I’ve told her that she is sinning by doing so. In her defense, she is FAR more submissive than most American wives (my wife is from another country, where the women are more feminine. We met in college 20 years ago). Still, I need to continue to confront her regarding her sin.

    She does know that this issue has caused me to intently study the scriptures regarding the issue of polygamy, and that I am absolutely pursuaded that it is lawful in the sight of God. Of course lawful doesn’t mean it is practical.

    The topic of polygamy really pisses her off,though neither she nor anyone else we know (pastors, elders, etc.) can refute it.

    I do think my porn use has been excessive at times.

  16. Her husband is the one who needs to correct his neglect of his wife’s desires. Unless he has some disorder that causes impotence or he is injured so as to be incapable to perform his marital duty, he needs to get busy and do his best to satisfy his wife.
    If he is worn ragged from work or is sick, she should “ask for a raincheck” but if this goes on for too long, rather than to “satisfy” (abuse) herself she should demand that he put aside whatever is distracting him from pleasuring his wife and get to “work.”
    Paul strongly advised marriage “to avoid fornication.” Just being married is not enough; performance of the marital duty is required. If one is unwilling, don’t marry.

  17. Barth, forget toying around with the idea of obtaining a sister wife as a rival to the wife of your youth. The defense of the Biblical laws concerning polygamy has to do with accuracy of interpretation of scripture, not with what is wise (“expedient”) in a Roman-style monogamous (actually “serially polygamous”) society.
    Also, if your wife is offended by your viewing of pornography, dump it. She may feel that she cannot compete with the airbrushed, Photoshopped Barbie dolls you lust after. She also may be put off by the perverse sexual practices you watch your fave pornstars perpetrating. When we had a more moral, or less immoral, society these perversions were felonies, the “abominable and detestable crimes against nature, not to be mentioned among Christians.” These perversions were so despised that they could not be mentioned by name or description. Corrupt men, many pretending to be Christians, went to prostitutes to have the perversions performed upon them. Many prostitutes would not do these things.

  18. I question how a husband having a low libido and rejecting his wife’s advances is not sinful, yet a woman who has low libido and rejects her husband’s advances is sinful….

  19. Emma Leigh,

    Your Statement:

    “I question how a husband having a low libido and rejecting his wife’s advances is not sinful, yet a woman who has low libido and rejects her husband’s advances is sinful….”

    Where in her story did she say her husband was rejecting her advances? He only desires sex rarely but he was not rejecting her initiation. She wanted him to initiate more. She wants him to want it as often as much as her. This was not about sexual denial, but sexual desire. Two very difference things.

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