“How do I get my husband’s sex drive to increase…We’ve been married for five years now, and he still doesn’t want to have sex more than twice a week… Is there anything wrong with pleasing myself every day until he wants something?” – This is part of a comment I received from a woman who calls herself Kat in response to my post “The benefits of being a sexually obedient wife”.
Christian women are often embarrassed to admit that they have higher sex drives than their husbands for the simple fact that in most cases husbands usually have higher sex drives than their wives. But there are some situations in which a wife may actually have a higher sex drive than her husband and this is nothing to be ashamed about.
For some couples the man had a higher sex drive in their younger years but as they age it actually reverses and when the woman is older she actually wants it more than him. For some men stress in their jobs may decrease their drive while for others they have lost their sex drive due to years of sexual denial by their wife in the earlier years of their marriage. But it does not seem to appear that any of these things I have mentioned are factors in Kat’s story. Below is her full comment.
“How do I get my husband’s sex drive to increase? I’m really horny all day, but my husband only wants to have sex once a week, if that. It’s disappointing, because I thought marriage came with that added benefit. We’ve been married for five years now, and he still doesn’t want to have sex more than twice a week. I get that a lot of couples go through this, but I don’t know how to cure it myself. Is it okay to go out and buy toys? He’s not cheating on me (he works from home, it would be pretty obvious), he’s definitely heterosexual, he doesn’t even have a laptop to be sneaking porn, is loving and wonderful to me, and doesn’t have a very stressful job. It’s just a low sex drive, which he readily admits to. Is there anything wrong with pleasing myself every day until he wants something?”
My response to Kat
As I said in my introduction you have nothing to be ashamed of for having a higher sex drive than your husband. Also it does not necessarily mean that your husband has any less love or attraction to you because he wants to have sex less than you.
Some men simply have lower drives – it is rare but it does happen. It might also be a situation of low testosterone but contrary to all the commercials out there a man getting testosterone treatments does not mean he will automatically want more sex. Also they are now discovering there are health risks to artificially increasing a man’s testosterone level.
“How do I get my husband’s sex drive to increase?”
Kat you are demonstrating a very important difference between men and women when it comes to sexual desire. It is true that both men and women both what their spouses to truly desire to have sex with them as much as they do. Mutually strong desire – that is what we would all love to see every time we have sex as a married couple.
The difference between men and women is that for most women their husband must 100% desire to have sex with them. If it is 90%, 80%, 50% and so on most women would say no to such a sexual encounter with their husbands.
But most men would take 90%, 80%, 50% and even some would take 0% even though they would prefer it to be at least be 50%. The reason is because for men sex is first a physical activity and then only secondarily an emotional activity. Men have a physical need to not only release their semen on a regular basis but they also have a physical need to visually take in their wife’s body, the taste of her skin and the scent of her body.
Just a note on mutual sexual desire before I continue. What I just described about men being able to have sex when they know their wife is not 100% wanting it is something that simply does not compute for a lot of women. If I had a dime for every email and comment I got from women (and some men) where the phrase “sex should only happen when both the man and woman mutually desire it” I could retire. This is because these women and some men are only looking at sex from the perspective of women and dismissing entirely the sexual perspective and different needs of men.
Ok In am off my soap box – back to your situation.
It sounds to me that you are like most women that if your husband does not 100% mutually desire to have sex you would not want to have sex and that is ok.
So then we come to your question about how to increase your husband’s sex drive. While it is possible that you are right and it is just low libido I recommend you look at my post “12 Reasons your husband may not want to have sex with you” and see if there could be any other causes or contributors to his low libido. There may not be – but it does not hurt to look.
If you determine that it really is just low libido and you could stand in front of your husband naked or in lingerie and some days he just would not care to have sex that day then you may need to handle your higher libido in a different way which leads us to your other question.
“Is there anything wrong with pleasing myself every day until he wants something?”
The answer to your question is No – there is nothing wrong with you “pleasing” yourself (i.e. masturbating) as a way to make up for the difference in sexual desire between your husband and yourself.
And there is nothing wrong with you using sex toys by yourself either.
Masturbation can be healthy way to not only make up for differences in libido but it can also help you to discover how your body works so you can have better sex with your husband.
Some might say “As Christians we are not please ourselves but only others and God”. While that may sound holy and sanctimonious that is not what the Bible teaches. We are called to deny the corrupt desires of our sinful nature. We are called to put God’s will before our own which may SOMETIMES requires us to forgo some things that are not sinful but at the time we may not be able to do.
We are not however called to deny certain natural hungers that God has designed us with. Instead we must channel those desires and exercise them within the bounds of God’s law.
Most of us as human beings have three great hungers that are built into us by the design of God. We hunger for food, for human contact and sex. Now some don’t have a great need for human contact where they would be perfectly happy living out in the woods in a cabin and never seeing another living soul. Others have little to no hunger for sex. But the majority of us as human beings have a hunger to a greater or lesser degree for all three of these things I have mentioned.
Some Christians would try and tell you that God meant for all sexual activities to occur only in the marriage bed between a man and a woman. They base this belief on passages like one from Hebrews:
“Marriage is honourable in all, and the bed undefiled: but whoremongers and adulterers God will judge.” – Hebrews 13:4 (KJV)
But they fail to see that Hebrews as well as the rest of the Scriptures restrict sexual RELATIONS to be only between a man and a woman in marriage.
The Scriptures do NOT restrict all sexual thoughts or sexual activities to marriage.
So as long as you masturbate in a way that does not take away your desire for sex with your husband to the point that you are still trying to have regular relations with him then there is no sin in this and I think it will help with your frustration at the difference in your sexual desires.