It is all too common today for women to see their desires as deep and meaningful “needs” while their husband’s desires are selfish “wants”. The truth is that God designed men and women to come together as “one flesh” and in it’s most literal sense “one flesh” refers to sex.
“For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall be joined unto his wife, and they two shall be one flesh.”
Ephesians 5:31 (KJV)
While both men and women have a desire for physical and emotional intimacy men typically have the strongest desire for physical intimacy and women typically have the strongest desire for emotional intimacy.
A woman must respect her husband’s stronger desire for sexual intimacy as much as she wants her husband to respect her stronger desire for emotional intimacy.
All of us as men and women better understand one another when we can relate our different needs to one another. For instance one thing I mentioned in the list above is that a man desires to know his wife’s body in the same way a woman desires to know her husband’s heart.
If wives were to really think about that they might better relate to their husband’s desire in this way. Ladies your husband wants to explore(and re-explore) every part of your body in the same way that you want to explore(and re-explore) every part of his heart. Often times when women hold back parts of their body or refuse to let their husbands see them naked they will find that he will in turn hold back parts of his heart from them.
In the list above I have tried to tastefully, yet symbolically show several distinct areas of sexuality that are important to most men. If you need a translation for each one then let me know – but I think you all should get the point.
The main point to take away from this is, if you as a wife want to have a successful marriage you must view your husband’s sexual needs as outlined above as just as important, deep and meaningful as your desires which I compared them too.
Also don’t fall into the trap of – “well he does not do all those things(or any of those things), so when he does all those things then I might do some of those things”. This should not be the attitude of a godly Christian wife. I encourage you to view these things as not only an act of love, but also as an act of submission to your husband.
Wives- God commands that your husband be ravished(intoxicated) by your body and your sexual love toward him. But he cannot be intoxicated by that which is held back or not freely given to him.
“Let her be as the loving hind and pleasant roe; let her breasts satisfy thee at all times; and be thou ravished always with her love.”
Proverbs 5:19 (KJV)
9 thoughts on “6 Ways a Wife Can Understand Her Husband’s Sexual Needs”
What an absolutely superb, well written article!
If wives heeded the advice in this blog, perhaps 80% of divorces would never happen…..to say that Christian wives and women in general completely undervalue and minimize a man’s sexual needs is a huge understatement at best
It brings to mind the old cliché, if a man wants to stop having sex just get married as that’s the place where sex becomes non existent lol 😁
Another great post, I totally agree on how important it is for wives to satisfy their husbands sexually whenever they need it. I also agree that men have a greater need for physical intimacy over emotional intimacy. Is it ok for a wife to feel the need for physical intimacy more then the emotional intimacy? sometimes, a lot of the time I would much rather be in the bedroom enjoying his body and he enjoying mine than have to talk about our days. Don’t get me wrong, we do talk and connect emotionally but my husband and I both agree that our physical needs for sex takes priority, then the emotional just comes about naturally afterwards. I didn’t always feel this way, it is something I had to learn.
I might add that understanding is not a prerequisite to action. For many wives, it is in the doing that they gain understanding. (I believe in order to know) Agape is action that leads to accompanying feelings, not feelings that spur actions. Likewise we obey what we do not understand and in time we gain understanding, only the most arrogant would refuse to obey a higher authority when they do not comprehensively understand the results.
A wife that gives herself to her husband sexually with enthusiasm and passion often discovers that the her husband establishes and maintains his emotional connection alongside the physical connection, not separately. When she withholds sex she is withholding unity, emotional and spiritual – effectively sabotaging the union/relationship/marriage. When she approaches sex with little or no enthusiasm she is expressing little value in union with her husband, physically, emotionally and spiritually.
She need not understand this at first, she needs to experience it through her own actions. By faith she need not fear that she will lose herself in the union with her husband, but in obedience to God she will find herself, discovering who she is in Christ. With generous passionate action she will find that sex is a joy, her husband’s heart is more open to her because he safely trusts in her, and she is prized and esteemed by him. Conversely, rationing her passion and sex will lead to conflict, a husband’s heart that is closed off, (perhaps bitter and resentful) and an emotionally cold life.
“It is in the doing that they gain understanding”. What a very true statement! That is what I was trying to say when I stated that I did not understand at first, it was something I had to learn. I also think that the husband has to help his wife along the way. When we first got married there were times when I needed my husbands guidance and often constant reminders on what my role was in our marriage. Thankfully it did not take me long to understand. His headship and my submission has given us a strong, loving marriage. I truly believe it is the only way that a marriage can work.
I completely agree with you that understanding of why, or feelings are not a prerequisite to action. God does not always tell us why we must do things either. But sometimes he does and one of my goals on this site is to try and explain to women in ways they can understand why women should do things if it will help some to be the wives they should be. But as I said to a woman just recently in an email – you don’t always have to understand why to do what is right. Sometimes you must act in faith as you have pointed out Jonadab.
Really this hits on much larger point that I made in a previous article https://biblicalgenderroles.com/2015/01/22/is-god-more-like-man-more-like-woman-or-a-combination-of-the-two/
My point in that article was that women can learn from image of God that is in man. The masculine human nature(which more directly emulates God’s nature) is a duty driven nature whereas the feminine human nature is a more feeling driven nature. Women should be able to look not only to God’s nature, but also their husband’s nature to seek to emulate this duty driven nature.
I don’t think there is anything wrong with that at all. As long as you don’t completely loose the emotional intimacy there is nothing wrong with a woman either naturally having a stronger need for physical than emotional intimacy. In your case I think as you admit this was not something natural for you, but something you learned over time which is great. So often in our society we are told that men need to be more like women, but Biblically speaking the reverse is true. Women in certain ways(not all) should seek to emulate Godly qualities in the masculine nature one of which is the duty driven nature of men.
It is my duty to honor and please my husband. Thank you for helping me with your teachings so that I can continue to be the wife I want to be. Is it wrong to worship my husband? I love him and want to please him in a way that worship is the only way I can describe it.
This is a great question and it prompted me to write an article on it where you will find your answer.
When a husband or wife focuses on how their needs are not being met and refuses to do anything about it, he or she is completely selfish. In a marriage, each person should be thinking about the other’s needs. Notice that it is a NEED and not a WANT. Wives NEED emotional intimacy (such as romance and communication) and husbands NEED physical intimacy. If each can focus on meeting their spouse’s need, both will find more contentment with each other. Needs are important; a wife should never show disdain towards her husband’s physical needs and neither should he show disdain for her need to be emotionally intimate.