Your wife has been to all the specialists and has recently been given the bad news. She has a chronic and incurable form of dyspareunia. Sexual intercourse will always be painful for her and there is nothing medically that can be done.
When you first got married, your wife hid her pain from you. But you, being the loving husband that you are decided to delve deep into your wife’s thoughts on sex. You wanted to see what you could do better in the bedroom. You thought you were doing ok and she seemed to enjoy sex with you but sometimes you thought you sensed some pain on her face. You would ask her if she wanted you to stop and she would say no and that she wanted you to continue.
So, your loving wife, not wanting to hide anything from you as her husband gave you the bad news. Every time you had sexual intercourse it was painful for her. Every time. She explains that this is why she would sometimes come up to you and give you oral sex and finish you off before you could try intercourse with her.
From that night on you could not have sexual intercourse with her anymore. And it was not because she did not want to or would not let you if you tried. She offered it on several occasions. But you could not even entertain the thought of causing your wife pain so you could experience pleasure.
Sure, she helped you orally and manually for the past year as you went with her to many specialists to see if her dyspareunia could be treated. But oral and manual sex while offering relief, could not offer the bonding feeling you felt from being inside your wife.
But from the moment you made the decision to stop having sexual intercourse with your wife, despite her offers to do so, you began to feel the intimacy between you and her diminish. You longed for that eruption of affection and bonding you felt for her each time after having intercourse. And that special affection would sometimes last for days.
You used to love oral sex from her when you did not know why she was doing it (to avoid the pain of intercourse). Now it is only a painful reminder of the intercourse with your wife that you can never have again.
You got all the books. You tried to convince yourself of the things that so many people teach. That sex is not a need for a man. It’s all in your head. You don’t really need sexual intercourse with your wife to feel that special affection and bonding you felt only after intercourse with her. You can cultivate it in other ways. You can feel that same feeling from oral or manual sex with her.
But none of it is working. You know you need to have intercourse with your wife to fuel your affection for her and feel bonded to her. She wants to have sexual intercourse with you despite her chronic and incurable dyspareunia.
But how can you have sex with your wife, and find any pleasure knowing that every movement that gives you pleasure causes her pain?
Sex is a Need for You as a Man
Many Christian and non-Christians teach that sex is not a need for men, but simply a want. Even though your desire for sex as a man mimics your hunger for food it is not a need since you won’t die from not having sex, or so you are told. You are told that your desire to have sex with your wife is no different than your desire for a new car, a new hunting rifle or a new video game and is no more a need than any of these other things are.
The Bible however reveals that sex is a God-given, built in NEED for men.
In Proverbs 5:15-19 we read the following descriptions and prescriptions for sex for men:
“15 Drink waters out of thine own cistern, and running waters out of thine own well. 16 Let thy fountains be dispersed abroad, and rivers of waters in the streets. 17 Let them be only thine own, and not strangers’ with thee. 18 Let thy fountain be blessed: and rejoice with the wife of thy youth.19 Let her be as the loving hind and pleasant roe; let her breasts satisfy thee at all times; and be thou ravished always with her love.”
In the passage above God tells you that sex is a need for you just as water is a need for you. In fact, the comparison of your need for water to your need for sex is a very accurate reflection of the male nature. Both men and women need sex and even the Bible acknowledges that women need sex as well (See Exodus 21:10-11).
But for a woman sex is just one of many needs she has and it not a defining aspect of her she is. It is not the driving force in her nature and her life that is in you as a man.
Think of sex as its highest level and what it does for you as a man. We often think of sex as something that depletes our energy and that is true on some levels. Immediately after sex we will feel a great relaxation come over us because of all the chemicals released by our brain. We may even want to roll over and go to sleep.
But there are other things that take place in the male brain as a result of sex. Men receive a HUGE psychological boost immediately after sex for hours or often times days. We feel a huge increase in affection for our wife, we feel more bonded and closer to her and it can even fuel us in our drive in our jobs.
This is all by the design of God. This is why the longer you go without sex with your wife, the thirstier you feel. Because God made you to desire your wife’s body and to be physically joined within her in the same way you desire water. And your sexual nature is just as dominate in you as a man as water is a dominate feature within all human beings (our bodies our made up over 60% water).
Men Need More Than Just Orgasms, They Need Penile Vaginal Intercourse
Multiple studies over many years have proven that what researchers call “PVI” or Penile Vaginal Intercourse has the greatest health affects for both men and women. They specifically compared the levels of chemical releases and the physiological and psychological effects between PVI and other forms of sexual release such as oral sex, anal sex and masturbation and PVI by far showed the best effects.
For instance, the hormone prolactin released at orgasm during PVI is 400% higher than other forms of sexual release including masturbation, anal sex or oral sex. Evolutionists try and explain this as something our bodies developed to steer us toward vaginal intercourse over other forms of sexual release so we would reproduce. But as Christians we know that God designed everything about sex – and it was not just for reproduction.
Both men and women release hormones like dopamine, testosterone, estrogen, oxytocin, prolactin, vasopressin and serotine during sexual stimulation of any kind (PVI or other). The difference is in the amount of these chemicals released in men and women and interactions within their overall body chemistry.
Let’s take dopamine for example. Dopamine is “the pleasure hormone”. It is what the body releases when we are doing something that is pleasurable to us. It is a reward system of sorts. In men the effects of dopamine are supercharged by the fact that a man has 10 times the testosterone in his system that a woman does. It does not mean women don’t have pleasure from sex, but they don’t get as big a high off sex as men do because of their lower testosterone levels.
On the other hand, women can have 10 to 20 times the estrogen in their bodies that men have in theirs. And while oxytocin is released in both men and women during any sex it is most potent in women when combined with their higher levels of estrogen. This can cause women to have far greater emotional attachment to a man during and especially after sex.
The point is this. Those who say if a wife suffers from chronic dyspareunia that PVI intercourse should cease and be replaced with masturbation or oral sex do not understand the extremely negative physiological and psychological effects that this brings on both husbands and wives and their marriages. The short amount of pain a woman experiences during PVI is a much smaller price to pay than the long-term damage to a relationship of no more PVI.
This is why God put the greatest longing for sexual relations, and PVI in particular in men. And this is why neither oral sex or masturbation done by yourself or even that which is performed by your wife can bring you together in the way that PVI will do. It is only through PVI that you can be fully united with your wife and truly be one flesh as God intended you to be.
This is why you must reject the lies that you will hear so often as a man.
Men only desire sex for pleasure and for no other reason – This is a LIE.
God wants sex to only occur if it is both mutually desired and mutually pleasurable for both the husband and wife – This is a LIE.
Husbands desire sex to be one flesh with their wife in the fullest way God intended. And remember that last phrase – “God intended”. That is a truth you must ingrain in your mind as you remove the lies that have been infused in your mind by your cultural upbringing.
Suffering for the Benefit of Others Is a Christian Virtue
The Scriptures tell us:
“For even hereunto were ye called: because Christ also suffered for us, leaving us an example, that ye should follow his steps”
I Peter 2:21
What this means is that your wife’s willingness to suffer pain during sexual intercourse with you is a holy and righteous act before God. In doing this she is following the example of Christ. And you must remember that she is not just doing this for you, she is doing this for your marriage which she is a part of.
Your wife, by joyfully enduring suffering during sexual intercourse for you and your marriage is “walking worth of the Lord” as seen in Colossians 1:10-11:
“That ye might walk worthy of the Lord unto all pleasing, being fruitful in every good work, and increasing in the knowledge of God; Strengthened with all might, according to his glorious power, unto all patience and longsuffering with joyfulness; “
Christ makes the follow observation of a woman when she experiences pain in childbirth:
“A woman when she is in travail hath sorrow, because her hour is come: but as soon as she is delivered of the child, she remembereth no more the anguish, for joy that a man is born into the world.” – John 16:21
Your wife knows that the pain she is experiencing is only temporary and she will “remembereth no more the anguish” for the joy of making you feel bonded to her and the joy of seeing your heart filled with affection for her.
This is NOT Sexual Sadism
A Sexual Sadist is one who derives sexual pleasure or is aroused by causing someone else pain.
The Bible condemns sadism in several passages including the following passage from Mark 7:20-23:
“20 And he said, That which cometh out of the man, that defileth the man. 21 For from within, out of the heart of men, proceed evil thoughts, adulteries, fornications, murders, 22 Thefts, covetousness, wickedness, deceit, lasciviousness, an evil eye, blasphemy, pride, foolishness: 23 All these evil things come from within, and defile the man.”
The English word “wickedness” found in verse 22 is a translation of the Greek word ‘’Poneria” not to be confused with “Porneia” which refers to sexually immoral acts. This word refers to taking pleasure from causing others pain.
The English phrase “evil eye” also found in verse 22 is a translation of the Greek words “Poneros” and “Ophthalmos”. What this phrase refers to is one who derives pleasure from watching another person cause pain to others.
God shows us in Revelation 21:4 that suffering and pain are a result of the corrupting influence of sin on this world:
“And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain: for the former things are passed away.” – Revelation 21:4
If you are a man who is sexually aroused by and sexually fueled by causing your wife pain you must recognize this is part of sin’s evil corruption of your sexual nature. This is NOT by the design of God.
On the other hand, if your sexual nature is more closely aligned to the way God created it, you as a man will actually be turned off by your wife’s pain. It will be difficult for you to have sex with her knowing it would cause her pain. Her pain does not arouse you in the least bit.
But if your wife who suffers from chronic and incurable dyspareunia offers to have sexual intercourse with you despite the pain knowing she will suffer and then you do so and derive pleasure from the experience are you guilty of engaging in sexual sadism?
The answer is NO.
There is a world of difference between allowing yourself to experience sexual pleasure DESPITE your wife’s pain and you deriving sexual pleasure FROM your wife’s pain.
This then brings us to the main question of this article.
How You Can Enjoy Sex Despite Your Wife’s Pain
As a husband who loves your wife you may be saying at this point – “I understand it is not wrong for me to desire sexual intercourse with my wife nor to take her up on her offer even though it will cause her pain to do so, but I just can’t. I can’t have sex with her knowing it will cause her pain. I certainly cannot take any pleasure from such an act”.
But as I have shown earlier – God placed the desire in you for sexual intercourse for more than simply pleasure. Stop believing that lie that the world tries to tell you and even many Christian teachers try to tell you. God placed that desire in you so that a special oneness, a oneness that only occurs through penile vaginal intercourse can and will occur. It is your duty and obligation to overcome your lack of arousal because of your wife’s pain.
In the same way she must overcome her pain to become one with you, so too you must overcome her pain to become one with her.
The answer to this is very similar to an answer I gave a few years back in my article entitled “How a husband can enjoy sex that is grudgingly given by his wife”. The major difference in that situation and this one is that you have a wife willingly and sacrificially having sex with you and not a wife who is grudgingly having sex with you.
But both these types of sexual situations do have something in common. Your wife’s face may not be pleasant to look upon during this experience. She may try her best to hide the pain, but you may still see it on her face. So, like in the case of sex with a wife who has grudgingly consented to do so, you need to look away from your wife’s face. Enjoy the rest of her body that God has given to you as your sexual well.
Once you train yourself to do this, knowing that your wife in this case is lovingly sacrificing herself for you, knowing this is righteous act before God and knowing that this will actually help bond you together and fuel your affection for her then you will actually be able to enjoy this experience despite your wife’s dyspareunia.
Biblical Gender Roles 
“But for a woman sex is just one of many needs she has and it not defining aspect of her she is. It is not the driving force in her nature and her life that is in you as a man.” I think you mean’t “not always the defining aspect of who she is.” “In men the effects of dopamine are supercharged by the fact that a man has 10 times the testosterone in his system than a woman does.” I think you mean’t “THAT a woman does.” ” “The short amount of pain a woman experiences during PVI is a much smaller price to pay than the long-term damage to a relationship of with no more PVI.” The word “with” doesn’t belong in this sentence. “What this is means is that your wife’s willingness to suffer pain during sexual intercourse with you is a holy and righteous act before God.” The first “is” doesn’t belong in this sentence. And lastly, at the end with “than you will actually be able to enjoy this experience despite your wife’s dyspareunia,” it should be “THEN” instead of “than.” Other than these, wonderful article. Thoroughly enjoyed it. Keep up the good work, BGR! 🙂
The world and feminist thinking approach sex between a husband and wife completely differently. They say that it has to be “all about the wife” essentially. The one that gets me is the “she always comes first” plan. If it isn’t all about her, then it isn’t good for example. There may be very good reasons for him to come first. Good job bgr addressing all the lies around the issue; this really is a big picture issue. The lies convince wives that they are in the right to be selfish, and when their marriage loses its intimacy and breaks up destroying so much, they are still convinced it was his selfishness that is the cause. It really is a disaster, but mis-truth always is. Ultimately this is a big picture issue, a husband and wife need to be coming together as often as possible. I would say the same thing if it is the husband having the hardship or pain. They should still come together as often as possible and work hard to take care of each other. Wives should understand that sex is not just a blessing to their husband, but also a blessing God gives them to keep their husbands connected intimately with them. Wives who give this us for selfishness are shooting their marriage in the heart.
Tyler,
While you and I might disagree sometimes on doctrinal edits, your grammar edits are usually spot on. Thanks.
@Tyler: meant (not mean’t). Hope that helps.
Very well written and argued. An important correction to the current misunderstandings about female primacy. Thank you.
In this modern world any female sacrifice is shocking. After first pospartum, for almost two years I felt pain during sex. Beginnings were really difficult, because tha pain was really big. But even then I never refused a sex with my husband. I really believe that this is my duty as a wife and I’m taking this duty serious.
There is nothing wrong in have sex while your wife feels pain. A good wife understand a male needs, and she will be grateful for giving him a pleasure, even if that cause her pain.