Should a wife always alert her husband at the first sign of painful intercourse? Or should women endure a certain amount of pain and hide this from their husbands? What about women who deal with chronic and un-treatable conditions that will always make sexual intercourse painful? How does the Bible say a Christian wife should respond in these situations?
Since the average person in America today is only capable of reading a title, and perhaps the first few paragraphs let me start off with what this article is NOT advocating for.
- This article DOES NOT advocate for men to have sex with their wives right after children birth or after she has had a surgery or when she is sick.
- This article DOES NOT advocate for sexual sadism (taking sexual pleasure from causing someone else pain).
- This article DOES NOT tell women they cannot or should never tell their husbands about pain during sex, nor is it saying men should never stop having sex when their wife indicates there is a pain issue.
The article is actually taking comments that were sent to me, one from a man and then multiple comments from two women discussing painful intercourse from a Christian woman’s point of view. This article discusses two types of pain – one that is caused by temporary issues that some of the women allude to below and others that are caused by chronic untreatable conditions.
STOP Reading this Article from this point if…
- You are unable to learn new things.
- You are unable to emotionally or intellectually process other points of view.
- You think sex is not a need and is only for pleasure and no reasoning to the contrary will convince you otherwise.
- You think men only want sex from their wives for pleasure and no reasoning to the contrary will convince you otherwise.
- You do not think any person should ever suffer even the smallest amount of pain in order to do something kind for another person and no reasoning will convince you otherwise.
- You accept that people may suffer pain in order to do something kind for others, except in the area of sex. You believe there is never a circumstance where a man or woman should suffer even the smallest amount of pain during sex for the benefit of the other person and no reasoning will convince you otherwise.
So if you are the person I just described. STOP READING. Go on and continue living in your safe space with your beliefs and presuppositions unchallenged. But if you are an open minded person, and are intellectually and emotionally strong enough to have your beliefs challenged and tested and perhaps even changed then continue reading.
But I give you this last warning. If you continue reading – you may be exposed to Bible passages and ideas that you have never heard in all your life. You may find truths in the Bible that are life changing. Truths that give us as men and women purpose for our lives. Truths that conflict with many values and ideologies that you have been raised with as an American, and even as a Christian.
You may find out that this is about a lot more than just women experiencing painful sex.
And with that said here we go…
The following comments were recently submitted on an article that I wrote back in 2016 entitled “The benefits of being a sexually obedient wife”.
The first came from a person calling himself JDMartin:
“Sex is actually fairly painful for my wife. She has never said flatout no, and absolutely never asked to stop before I am finished shes proud of that and basically wont let me stop or it would “ruin her record” lol. She has a saying or thing she says from time to time that “women have no idea what makes a girl good in bed is what she is willing to let her husband do, and how much pain she can take.”
After some other comments he sent that I blocked and did not approve I became convinced JDMartin was in fact a troll. But I decided to let his first comments remain because of the conversation it evoked with two women. Sometimes even some of the absurdity in comments by trolls can bring about good discussions.
The first woman, Alice, made this response to JD Martin’s comment:
“The idea that what makes a woman good in bed is “how much pain she can take” is not biblical, in the least. It is also repugnant. It has nothing to do with feminism, but with basic biology. If sex is painful for a woman, than something is wrong, either with her or with her husband’s treatment of her.”
A second woman called, Sunny, made this response to Alice:
“Alice I actually disagree with you on that. I’m not going to say if you should or should not continue sex if it’s painful (that is up to the individuals to decide). I will say from personal experience that painful sex doesn’t always mean there is something wrong. Sex can be painful at times with my husband. I’m not sure how else to put this but if a man is larger in the “southern region” then sex can and will be painful at times. Again, I’m not saying if a woman should or should not continue as that is a personal choice. Personally, for us there are times he will stop and other times where it doesn’t really matter or we will just change positions. That’s probably TMI but it’s true and I’m sure many women have dealt with it when their husbands are above average in size.”
Alice then responded:
“Sunny, my husband is also overly endowed. (and why on Earth do women think this is a good thing?!) He takes extra care and patience so that I very rarely experience pain. Not to mention, six babies have made their way through that passage and their heads were certainly much larger! I still maintain that if a woman is crying through the whole experience, the man is doing something wrong, or she has medical issues which should be addressed.”
To which Sunny made this final response:
“Alice. You must understand that all women are different. I have one child via c-section. After a c-section the muscles swell and tighten up, that is “normal” after a c-section. My friend had the same problem, she approached a doctor about it and even her own doctor wasn’t concerned about the pain during intercourse. Basically, she told her that is going to happen. I did cry the first time I had sex after my
c-section as I became virgin tight again.
Yes, there are times that painful sex is link to medical conditions or reason for concern but most certainly not in ALL cases.If my husband and I are not intimate for a few weeks sex does become painful for me. This might not be the case for you, but you must understand that our bodies are not the same. If a woman waits longer periods of time between sex things tighten down there. Add in larger male size the act of slipping it in even hurts. I actually have been on the verge of crying because we waited two months in-between sex. According to a medical professional that’s actually normal.
Maybe your case is different because your sex life is more active and you’ve had children naturally but this is NOT the case for many women (myself included).
I’m also in pain sometimes after exercising that doesn’t mean there is something wrong, you kinda just use logic and deal with it if it’s not a reason for concern.”
I really do enjoy sometimes just letting people hash things out a bit before I respond and I actually think it is a great thing for women to speak to each other in candid ways like this. There are things that women need to hear from other women and this is an excellent case of that.
However, contrary to popular belief today, women can also learn about sex from men. God divinely spoke his word through men and he also assigned fathers, husbands, pastors and other male Christian teachers the responsibility to teach both men and women his word regarding sex in marriage.
So, what is the answer to this question of painful sex for women – should a wife endure any pain during intercourse with her husband?
The answer can be found in applying several principles found in the Bible.
Seven Biblical Principles That Form the Christian Philosophy of Sex
Principle #1 – God created man to bring him glory by imaging him. (I Corinthians 11:7)
Principle# 2 – God created woman for man, not man for woman. (I Corinthians 11:9)
Principle #3 – God created man to desire beauty and pleasure to image God’s desire for beauty and pleasure. (Psalm 45:11, Isaiah 46:10, Revelation 4:11)
Principle #4– One of the reasons God created woman for man was to be his source or his “well” of sexual pleasure. God equates a man’s need for sex with his need for water. (Proverbs 5:15-19) The New Testament tells us that sex is “the natural use of the woman” by man. (Romans 1:27)
Principle #5 – A man may only engage in “the natural use of the woman” after he has entered into a covenant of marriage with that woman. (Hebrews 13:4) All sex outside of a marriage covenant (such as prostitution or pre-marital sex) is condemned by God.
Principle #6 – God also created woman with a need for sex and he equates a woman’s need for sex with that of her need for food and clothing. (Exodus 21:10-11) But why did God plant this need in woman? Why did God give woman the desire to have sex and the ability to experience sexual pleasure? For this we must refer to back to Principle #2. This tells us that a woman’s desire for sex and her ability to enjoy sex was not given to her for own sake, but rather for the sake of her husband to compliment and enhance his sexual pleasure. And when a man enjoys the sexual pleasure of his wife, he images the pleasure God receives in his relationship with his people.
Principle #7 – All Christians, both men and women are called to emulate Christ’s endurance in the face of suffering and pain especially for the benefit of others. (1 Peter 2:21-24)
So, when we tie all the above principles together the answer to whether a Christian wife should endure painful sex with her husband is YES.
Some Clarifications
Should a wife seek out help from her doctor if she experiences painful intercourse? Absolutely yes! Some causes of pain can be helped with medication or sometimes even surgery. But other types of pain experienced by women during intercourse may have no cure and a woman may have to learn to endure and cope with such pain.
Still other types of pain may be temporary as Sunny alluded to like when a wife has not had sex in while it may hurt the first few times afterwards and she may need to very regularly have sex (which is a good thing for her husband and herself) in order to avoid this kind of pain.
Might some types of pain be avoided simply by the husband making some changes in his methods? Of course. And wives should find respectful and gentle ways to direct their husbands in this regard.
Should a woman hide her pain from her husband?
Some women might use visual cues of pain to help their husbands understand what hurts and what does not. This can be used, but should be used carefully. If it used to help improve sex, and not shame her husband then it can be a good thing. It might also be warning to the woman herself that she needs to see a doctor.
However, what if after seeing a doctor the doctor tells her that source of her pain cannot be cured and there is nothing that her husband can do differently to make this pain go away?
The answer is clear, even if it is not easy. A wife who suffers from chronic and untreatable dyspareunia (painful intercourse) must find the strength to endure such pain and not only endure it but hide it as much as possible from her husband.
The reason she should hide this is for her to do her best to fulfill one the purposes for which God designed her and that is the sexual pleasure of her husband.
There is another general principle that applies to all Christians, both men and women and that is that we are to set aside anything that hinders us from fulfilling the purposes that God has for our lives. And when it comes to this issue of painful sex, I encourage wives to truly mediate on this passage from the book of Hebrews:
“1 Wherefore seeing we also are compassed about with so great a cloud of witnesses, let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which doth so easily beset us, and let us run with patience the race that is set before us, 2 Looking unto Jesus the author and finisher of our faith; who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is set down at the right hand of the throne of God.”
Hebrews 12:1-2
Are you willing to lay aside your pride, your discomfort and even your chronic sexual pain and to endure such pain to fulfill one of the purposes for which God created you which was to bring sexual pleasure to your husband? Are you willing to do this without an attitude, without trying to pass your suffering on to your husband in order to make him not want to have sex with you?
If a Woman is Crying Throughout Sex is the Man Always Wrong to Continue?
Alice made the following statement in regard to JDMartin’s statement about his wife crying during sex:
“I still maintain that if a woman is crying through the whole experience, the man is doing something wrong, or she has medical issues which should be addressed.“
But is it true that if a woman is crying through the whole sexual experience that it is automatically the man doing something wrong? The answer is no.
In the case of JDMartin I think from his own admission of being rough with his wife he may be doing something wrong. But it really does depend though on the woman. What is rough? Some women are like china dolls and any amount of friction or thrusting during sex may be considered rough to them when it really is not and they simply need to endure and strengthen themselves.
For me personally since I have been married to two different women (I divorced my first wife for adultery) I can say I saw this difference play out first hand. My first wife was telling me to be rougher and my second wife was telling me to be gentler. So every woman really is different in this regard.
Husbands and wives both need to adjust to one another when it comes to sex. Sometimes a man may have to make some changes for his wife, but at the same time a woman might have to endure some things for her husband.
So when a woman cries all during sex could it be that the man is mistreating her? Absolutely yes. But from a Christian perspective we must realize that sometimes it could be the woman who is in the wrong for crying throughout the entire sexual experience. If a woman is crying to manipulate her husband because she simply did not want to have sex or to make him feel bad for wanting sex when she did not then the sin lies with her.
Even a woman who suffers from true painful intercourse whether it is from a temporary condition (like some of the examples Sunny gave) or if it is from a long term chronic and un-treatable condition that causes painful intercourse might be in the wrong for crying throughout the entire experience.
The point here on a woman crying during sex is this. It is not always the man that is in the wrong when this occurs. It can sometimes be the woman who is in the wrong for crying. And in some rare cases neither neither one may be wrong in what they are doing. The husband may not be in wrong for continuing and finishing and the wife may not be in the wrong for crying.
The Practical Benefits of a Wife Enduring Painful Sex
Now I want to move from the Biblical reasons a woman should endure painful sex with her husband to the practical benefits of enduring such pain.
My wife, like many women I know, loves flowers. Each year we plant flowers in our front yard and we also get hanging baskets. These flowers need two things to survive. They need sunlight and they need water.
If they get sunlight but no water they will die. If they get water but no sunlight they will also die.
In the same way a man’s affection and his passion for his wife is fueled by two things. Sex and Respect. Sex is like water for a man’s affection and respect is like sunlight for a man’s affection. If a woman gives him both in most cases, she will find that her husband’s affection for her will be strong and healthy. If either of these are missing his affection for his wife may wane and die.
So even aside from spiritual reasons there are very practical reasons that a woman should gladly endure painful sex with her husband in order to “water” his affection for her.
Conclusion
Will you as a woman set aside your pride and unlearn the selfishness that our society has taught you? Will you be strong in the way God meant you to be and not the way the world tells you to be strong? The world tells women that for them to be strong they must stand up for themselves and stand up to men. But God tells women that they were made for men (I Corinthians 11:9) and they are to submit to their husbands in everything (Ephesians 5:24). The Bible also tells us that strength is not always demonstrated through resistance. Sometimes strength is demonstrated through joyfully exercising patience, endurance and longsuffering.
“10 That ye might walk worthy of the Lord unto all pleasing, being fruitful in every good work, and increasing in the knowledge of God; 11 Strengthened with all might, according to his glorious power, unto all patience and longsuffering with joyfulness;”
Colossians 1:10-11
So, what will you do with your pain? Will you use it as a selfish excuse to hinder your husband from fully exercising the image of God in him? Will you pass your suffering on to your husband and thus hinder what God designed to be a primary driver of his affection for you?
Or will you demonstrate true Christian strength and with joy endure painful sex for the betterment of your husband and your marriage and thus fulfill one of the most important purposes for which God designed you as a woman?
The choice is yours and the consequences of your choice will be yours as well.
Biblical Gender Roles 
@BGR, I certainly did not mean to imply that every time a woman cries during sex it is her husband’s fault. I was reacting to JDMartin’s comment that his wife “very often” cries during the whole experience and I can’t help thinking something is wrong with that picture. Once in a while, sure, that’s going to happen and Sunny gave many reasons for it. But “very often”? And after he said he was “rough”? I’m not saying his wife should not submit, she should, and she probably should try and hide her pain, but I don’t see JDMartin’s behavior as Godly.
Alice,
The was the first of two articles I am writing addressing the topic of painful intercourse on the part of the wife. This first article was written to wives on how they should respond. The second article will be written to men on how they should respond to pain on the part of their wife during sex.
I think we have to have proper expectations to help things go right. Often people are told that any amount of discomfort is bad, and in general, people now have no strength for discomfort. A new wife going into things should expect that there might be some level of discomfort or perhaps some pain for a period of time until her body adjusts. This is one issue, and a new couple should be careful to not worry about the discomfort more than a healthy sex life developing with each other. This is an adjustment issue and just needs to be worked through to improve.
Another issue is what I am going to call chronic discomfort or pain that is not adjustment in nature, but related to physical issues. I think this is an area where grace should be offered by both – and it is ALL about the attitude. A wife should be willing to endure some pain or discomfort, and a husband should be willing to be flexible to find ways lessen the hardship on her.
A huge opportunity for the enemy occurs if he can convince the wife that her husband is her enemy instead of them working through the hardship together in a way that does not diminish them coming together.
On one hand I can see why this would make people cringe, but on the other hand, how many men endure chronic pain just to provide for their families? Day after day, when they could go on disability, they get up, get out, and get the job done. We expect that of them.
I have endured chronic painful sex after one of our babies were born. It does take a toll, but at the same time I didn’t dream of removing sex from our marriage. Actually, enduring thevsex helped stretch and toughen up the scar tissue that was causing the pain, so frequent painful sex was the healer. Hubby has an illness that comes and goes. When it comes, sex is impossible. I have to endure months of sexlessness, but he actively works to get better and resume sexual activity.
livinginblurredlines,
Pain is a part of life in this sin cursed world. In the book of Revelation we read:
So until God makes all things new and and makes a new earth and gives us new bodies we will experience pain. And I have actually used your example of men enduring pain in their jobs to support their families many times. My father has suffered from chronic back pain, shoulder pain and knee pain and had multiple surgeries for these problems for decades yet he continued to go to his jobs that often required manual labor on his part.
My mother was a stay at home mom and my Dad was proud to support her doing that. Would it make any sense for my father to endure 10 to 12 hours a day of pain working in a plant and then come home to have sex with my mother and she can’t endure some pain for 15 minutes for him? When you look it at it this was you see the utter ludicrousness of our society that so wants to avoid any kind of pain.
Now as I said in the post – should a wife seek medical care to see if she can alleviate pain? Yes. Should husbands do their best to try and minimize their wife’s pain? Yes! Does this even mean sometimes husbands forgo sex with their wives? Yes. But on the other hand wives cannot have this attitude that at the first sign of pain sex has to end. Such an attitude is selfish and childish.
livinginblurredlines,
Another great point that I would like to piggy back on that you referenced is about when husbands have illnesses or problems. When a man has various health issues it can actually effect his ability to get an erection. It could be from pain after surgery, or some other illness.
Now can a man take care of his wife in other ways if this occurs? Yes.
But to be more blunt – a man must raise and keep an erection, but a woman has a hole. Pain does not stop her from having a hole, and thereby having sexual intercourse. But but some types of pain or other illness could stop a man from being able to get or keep an erection thereby making sexual intercourse impossible.
@BGR, after child birth a woman’s “hole” is off limits for very good medical reasons and there are other ways she can please her husband. If a man has ED, shouldn’t he also seek other ways to please his wife sexually?
@BGR,
At the risk of being pedantic, that’s not always accurate. Men with persistent ED can still engage in sexual intercourse, in addition to other forms of pleasuring their wife, if they’re willing to use sex toys like hollow dildos. Also, the vagina isn’t so much a hole as a muscular orifice, which means that some women actually can develop medical conditions that make penetration more or less impossible rather than merely painful. There was a commenter here a while back who discussed her struggles early in her marriage with a form of vaginismus so severe that her husband was actually unable to penetrate her until she’d found a good sex therapist who helped her retrain her pelvic floor muscles.
@Alice,
BGR did actually say that a man with persistent ED can and should find other ways to satisfy his wife. He just pointed out that he can’t penetrate her with his penis vaginally if he’s unable to get and sustain an erection.
Alice,
Your Statement:
I absolutely agree 100% that a woman’s “hole”, her vagina, is off limits after right after she has a child for good medical reasons. I also believe her anus is always off limits as well and I have written on this before – https://biblicalgenderroles.com/2016/06/16/do-christian-wives-have-to-submit-to-requests-for-anal-sex-by-their-husbands/
Now could and should a wife offer to perform oral sex or manual sex on her husband during the 8 weeks of recommended healing time after having a child? Absolutely! I am actually addressing this situation(of after child birth sex) in my companion article to this one speaking to men about this subject.
As to men with ED – I also agree 100% that if they are experiencing ED due to some medical conditions(temporary or long term) they should definitely help their wives in other ways(oral or manual).
But one of the main topics I was targeting was vaginal intercourse. While oral sex and manual sex can be used as alternatives especially after child birth or for some other temporary medical reasons – there are very few situations where I could see a woman justifiably taking vaginal intercourse off the table permanently – even if she finds that she has untreatable type of pain from vaginal intercourse. This was one of the situations I was addressing.
But even short of a life long untreatable problem that causes vaginal intercourse to be painful for a woman, I think many modern women today are wimps compared to women of the past. Today we talk about women needing to be strong – but we don’t talk about it the way women were once told to be strong.
Today we tell women that being strong means living for themselves and standing up to the men in their lives. That is the measure of a woman by today’s feminist standards. But before the modern feminist era a woman’s strength was measured in how much pain she would endure for her family. Whether it was in her daily life working the home and the land, making food, clothing or in her bearing children. And yes even in her having sex with her husband. Women of the past would laugh and call the women of today wimps who stop their husbands during sex at the slightest feeling of pain.
Alex,
Don’t worry about being “pedantic”. I totally get your point and agree that men can use sex toys. But really that is still technically a form of manual stimulation. True sexual intercourse between a man and woman requires a man to penetrate his wife with his penis. Anything else, toy or otherwise may help bring relief but I think we all know its not the same thing especially from a chemical level. There are all kinds of great studies that show the chemical exchanges that occur between a man and woman during vaginal intercourse(besides the exchange of semen). It really is an amazing bonding experience that God has designed. But I take your point on this.
Also I agree some conditions like vaginismus would be similar to ED where it literally stops the man from penetrating because the woman is literally closing her vagina with her muscles. If you research this will find that this is actually a psychosomatic condition in women and can be treated with therapy. ED on the other hand, can be psychosomatic or completely physiological and a man has to seek medical and psychiatric professionals to find which one it is.
@BGR I completely agree with you, which means I won’t comment much :-). My boys are less than ten months apart so my husband and I did not wait the prescribed 6-8 weeks with no harm to me at all. (Although that pregnancy was very tough)
Ah, interesting to see an article inspired by our comments. Yes, I very much believe women (and men) sometimes need to “suck it up” in reasonable circumstances. Sex was very painful for me the next several times after my c-section as the abdominal muscles swell causing the vaginal walls to tighten. This is something my Doctor never warned me about and it’s someone that is rarely discussed. Sex is still painful at times and that has just become normal and accepted by us. As long as there aren’t any serious medical issues going on, I honestly don’t see the issue. Life is full of pain and obstacles. Sex is exciting, amazing and yet still painful at times, I’ve just gotten over it and I don’t see it as a concern. Some men are larger than others and some women are different than others. It all comes with variations in how the sexual dynamic works for each couple. I can be in pain for seconds or minutes while the rest of the experience is great and I still climax. If sex is painful due to male size or roughness then sometimes simply changing positions can greatly help.
I meant to say “something that is rarely discussed” I’m not good enough at proof reading my comments for posting things that I can’t go back and edit.
Very interesting responses that provoke thought on operating assumptions and bigger questions that underlie a response. Such as does love in a fallen world necessitate sacrifice, in other words does love require some amount of pain in one form or another? or the question is sacrifice and duty exclusively masculine, but choice and preference feminine? Or the question of the purpose and end of sex? Is it Pleasure, children, oneness and unity, expression of submission, gospel witness? and what is the Biblical warrant to forgo sex in marriage? Is there a principle in scripture that might affirm withholding for a cause other than prayer and fasting?
As I meditate on these and other presuppositional questions, I can’t help but wonder how much of the world’s view of the sexes, marriage, romance and courtly love have infected our thinking and polluted our minds. If all we had to form our sexual ethics was scripture and we were free from the programming of the world and “Christian incorporated”, it seems to me we would think very differently on such things. BGR attempts to do just such a task, for that I am grateful.
Sunny,
So apparently this article based on your discussion with Alice has gone viral. I have had over 50,000 views on this article in just two days. To put that in perspective, I usually get around 4,000 to 5,000 views a day for this entire blog. I am receiving nasty comments about every minute(nothing new – totally used to it). I have edited the article by adding an introduction as follows:
Since the average person in America today is only capable of reading a title, and perhaps the first few paragraphs let me start off with what this article is NOT advocating for.
1. This article DOES NOT advocate for men to have sex with their wives right after children birth or after she has had a surgery or when she is sick.
2. This article DOES NOT advocate for sexual sadism (taking sexual pleasure from causing someone else pain).
3. This article DOES NOT tell women they cannot or should never tell their husbands about pain during sex, nor is it saying men should never stop having sex when their wife indicates there is a pain issue.
The article is actually taking comments that were sent to me, one from a man and then multiple comments from two women discussing painful intercourse from a Christian woman’s point of view. This article discusses two types of pain – one that is caused by temporary issues that some of the women allude to below and others that are caused by chronic untreatable conditions.
STOP Reading this Article from this point if…
1. You are unable to learn new things.
2. You are unable to emotionally or intellectually process other points of view.
3. You think sex is not a need and is only for pleasure and no reasoning to the contrary will convince you otherwise.
4. You think men only want sex from their wives for pleasure and no reasoning to the contrary will convince you otherwise.
5. You do not think any person should ever suffer even the smallest amount of pain in order to do something kind for another person and no reasoning will convince you otherwise.
6. You accept that people may suffer pain in order to do something kind for others, except in the area of sex. You believe there is never a circumstance where a man or woman should suffer even the smallest amount of pain during sex for the benefit of the other person and no reasoning will convince you otherwise.
So if you are the person I just described. STOP READING. Go on and continue living in your safe space with your beliefs and presuppositions unchallenged. But if you are an open minded person, and are intellectually and emotionally strong enough to have your beliefs challenged and tested and perhaps even changed then continue reading.
But I give you this last warning. If you continue reading – you may be exposed to Bible passages and ideas that you have never heard in all your life. You may find truths in the Bible that are life changing. Truths that give us as men and women purpose for our lives. Truths that conflict with many values and ideologies that you have been raised with as an American, and even as a Christian.
You may find out that this is about a lot more than just women experiencing painful sex.
Sunny,
Here is just a sampling of comments that I have not approved(all comments must be approved by me unless I make the person an authorized commenter and they don’t have links in their comment):
Wulfe commented:
Meichell commented:
Katie commented:
Jasper commented:
Marcilla commented:
Meryl commented:
Alexandrea commented:
Peter commented:
Now if I had a dime for every comment like this last one from Peter, or basically the generic “Go F# yourself and die” or “I hope someone kills you” I would be a very rich man.
But you have to have a thick skin to speak the truth of God’s Word to a wicked generation that wants no part of it.
First time commentor, long time follower. First I wanted to say thanks to BGR for your blog. Second, I am a recently married woman and I enjoy sex with my husband. However it is painful at times. I’ve been to the doctors and my doctor said that everything is fine. I do have a tilted uterus though so he said sex may be painful at times though nothing that can’t be endured.
I have chosen not to worry too much about it. I am lucky that my husband has a high and strong sexual appetite. Even when it is painful I don’t deny him. I think women condition their husbands regarding sex. I don’t want my husband to ever feel he can’t initiate sex with me. So far I feel I’m doing well. Thank you again BGR.
Amber,
Thanks for your comment and glad to her you have been a long time follower. You know that the haters reading this will say things like you as a Christian wife have “Stockholm syndrome” and are brainwashed into thinking you always need to be sexually available for your husband.
But you raise a great point on wives conditioning their husbands. You have two choices of how you condition your husband in regard to sex.
1. You can follow the Proverbs 5:15-19 model God gives for women and offer yourself to your husband as his well of sexual pleasure that he can come and satisfy himself with “at all times”.
2. You can follow our feminist world’s philosophy, and unfortunately the philosophy of many professing Christians, that you should never have sex as a woman unless you totally are in the mood and know it will be pain free. And if any amount of pain, even the smallest amount should occur during intercourse, you should stop him immediately. Because after all, your desires as a woman and your pain are the most important things in the world. They are more important than your husband bonding with you in the most special way God designed and they are more important than security of your marriage.
BGR,
Thank you for responding. I could never choose option 2. I’ve seen marriages fail because women forget that sex is a need for men.
I had an accident when I was younger that has desensitized my clit (sorry TMI). While I experience sexual pleasure it often takes a long time. I’m also not always in the mood so if my husband waited for me to initiate sex, it might never happen.
I don’t ever want my husband to fear my rejection so I’m always ready when he is, even if I’m not. I’ve read your other posts that had you accused of supporting marital rape…I’m not sure that’s a real thing, but I digress…I know I can have sex even if I’m not in the mood because I’ve done it and I’m thankful for the bonding experience.
Amber,
I have always argued on this site that when it comes to sexual relations between a man and woman that you can build a strong case for why women should make themselves completely available to their husbands both from a theological perspective as well as a rational perspective.
What you have done Amber, is make a rational case for why women should always make themselves sexually available to their husbands.
But unfortunately most women are not as rational as you in regard to their relationships with their husbands. I absolutely love this line below from Jack Nicholson in the movie as “As Good As It Gets” where he plays an author. A woman runs up to him and asks him “How do you write women so well?” To which he gives this golden response:
“I think of a man and I take away reason and accountability”
One commenter on youtube recalled their attending the movie in 1997 and made the following observation:
And you see this is the problem with women today. They lack introspection.
Today women do not approach marriage with any sense of reason or accountability. Think of these irrational though patterns women have in marriage:
What do these thoughts by so may women today show? They show that women are irrational and also that they do not believe in any sort of accountability for their actions in marriage.
@BRG: Thank you for the update. Wow some of the comments really show the true colors of these people. They seem close minded, brainwashed by modern feminist agendas and unable to understand what sacrifice is. If I hadn’t pushed through sexual pain after my operation then my husband and I would never have had sex again. People need to be able to identify the differences in actual medical concern and normal pain. Pain is a very important part of life and it will follow us through our entire existence. Consider how much pain a woman goes through in pregnancy or child birth. Consider how many people working manual labor jobs come home tired and sore so they can earn a paycheck. Should I stop going to work because it’s mentally painful and I’m physically exhausted when I get home? No. People these days have no idea the type of PAIN and WORK our families had to endure all throughout history. Americans equate pain and work with something negative in every case. How many people have achieved their goals while staying in a confort zone and sacrificing nothing?
Very few, if any. I have pushed through amounts of emotional pain that no child should ever have to go through but I’m a very strong and open minded person now because of those experiences.
I realize how broken American families are. I can see how sad people are now because of their poor choices. I chose to do the opposite of what is popular in our society because I DON’T want my family to end up like the majority of Americans. The American marriage: Interested in someone else? Divorce. Not getting everything you want? Divorce. Your friends and family pressure you? Divorce. Want alimony? Divorce. I’m under 30 years of age and my peers are already dicorced. I don’t want that. I’m not going to listen to negative comments that are generated by people who want to fit in with modern feminist values because I don’t respect those values. I don’t respect people that aren’t willing to make sacrifices for people around them and especially for their loved ones. I love my husband and I know that he always has my back. He is the one I laugh with, he is the one I promised to spend my life with, he is the one that wipes my tears, he is the one that stands up for me, he is the one who is not afraid to tell me if I’m doing something wrong, he is the one who still cares about me even after I throw an epic tantrum. What harm is it to sacrifice a bit if comfort for him? I love him afterall. I don’t think anyone was advising for men to be sadistic or for women to ignore a serious medical condition. Also, it makes me cringe how disrespectful some people are towards God with their words. I may not be perfectly submissive but comments and mindsets like those you quoted are a big reason I dropped all things popular and fled more towards biblical/conservative values.
Sunny,
That “cringe” you feel is called the fear of the Lord. The Scriptures speak of these people when it states “There is no fear of God before their eyes”(Romans 3:18).
The Scriptures show us that we have two choices in this life, we can fear God or fear what man can do to us for obeying God rather than man:
Finally I think of the words of the Apostle Peter when he wrote:
We honored Keri Strug for finishing her vault with a busted ankle in the Olympics despite her pain. We cheer athletes who get up and struggle across the finish line. We award wounded soldiers for marching on and winning the battle. We tell our kids to keep getting up and getting bsck on the bicycle even though it hurts every time they fall. We shove our husbands out the door to work despite their aches, pains, and sicknesses because we need that paycheck to live. We casually thank Christ for dying for our sins in that terrible, torturous way on the cross. But, it’s somehow wrong to lovingly endure pain during sex with the one person we love above all others?
@blurredlines “we shove our husbands out the door.” For the people in my age group it’s actually husbands and wives. Stay at home parents are a luxury these days at least for the majority of people in my age group. I brushed over that in my other comment about not leaving my job even though I’d rather avoid going. You have a fair point though and it’s the same point that came to mind for me.
Is there a way to get advice, particularly from the experienced wives? I have endometriosis so sex is painful. ON top of that we would like to conceive naturally.
We have 2 points of contention now. The first is pain around insertion. I’d like to use a lubricant if he just cant wait but he doesn’t want to stop for that. This pain seems controllable and something easily remedied.
The second is cramping in certain positions or depths (sorry if TMI). I don’t see this as his fault per se, but his methods cause pain to the cervix area. He’s too deep but likes this to finish.
He’s frustrated that I’m in pain. The pain pretty much cancels any chance of orgasm for me which bothers him too. We could do more foreplay but he usually wants to jump straight to it, hence pain #1. Toys are a nonstarter for him. I don’t know what to do. We are trying to conceive but it is becoming stressful and something I avoid. Help!
You make excellent points about the benefits of sex in a marriage that extend far beyond the act itself. This bonding is so important to the happiness of both partners and the health of a marriage. The message I get from your article is that the gifts we receive from regular sexual relations with our husbands/wives are bigger than any brief pain and are well worth it. I’m lucky because I don’t feel any pain or discomfort from sexual intercourse but I agree that my relationship is more valuable. I also believe that my husband would tolerate it for me if necessary too.
“Seven Biblical Principles That Form the Christian Philosophy of Sex.” Substituting “IDEOLOGY” for philosophy looks better since the Bible, in all cases I can find, speaks of “philosophy” as a negative thing, and its meaning is certainly negative as it means “the love of man’s wisdom,” which is certainly anti-christian. “And in some rare cases neither neither one may be wrong in what they are doing. The husband may not be in wrong for continuing and finishing and the wife may not be in the wrong for crying.” Only one “neither” is needed in this verse. “These flowers need two things to survive. They need sunlight and they need water.” And soil of course. 🙂 heehee