Is Marriage Worth Bothering With?

“Is marriage worth bothering with? I’m surrounded by mediocre marriages; I don’t see anyone or at best very few who have a marriage that I would want to have. My sister has been married a short time and she tells me how hard it is and it seems like so much difficulty with so little reward.”

The preceding statement comes from a comment I recently received from a man calling himself AngloSaxon.

And to be honest a great majority of men in our modern western countries find themselves asking this same question for the same reasons that AngloSaxon has.

Men sought out marriage throughout the history of world to be able to have a companion with which they could share their lives.  But the companionship that men sought with women was not the same as the companionship they sought with other men.   They did not seek out women as equal partners, but rather they sought out women for things male companionship could not offer them.

They sought out things in women they could not find in men.  They sought out women so that they could be looked up to, respected and needed for their ability to provide and protect.

They sought out female companionship for the visual and physical pleasure women could give them and the fact that women could bear and care for their children and thus help them continue their family lines.  They sought female companionship to have someone to care for the domestic needs of their homes to free them to go out into the world and make their mark on it knowing their female companion had everything in order back at their home.

But this entire dynamic of marriage with women desiring men for their provision and protection was totally upended by feminist movements in America and other western nations which began in the 19th century.

Many women in our post-feminist culture do not seek out men in marriage for their provision and their protection.  Rather they seek out men simply for “friendship” and to have someone to “that makes me laugh”.

And many women today do not enter marriage in order to give their husbands sexual pleasure or bear their children or to serve the needs of their husband’s home.  But rather they come into marriage to be served by men.

So the modern state of male/female relationships is that many men have been robbed of their purpose and their desires in marriage and they have come under what one of America’s founding fathers, John Adams, warned of if women were ever given equal rights with men and that is the “despotism of the petticoat” or in other words the “despotism of women”.

And since women came to dominate male/female relationships with the abandonment of courtship and the embrace of the new concept of “dating” in late 19th and early 20th centuries marriage as an institution has been severely decimated.

Before the political feminist movements of the mid 19th century divorce rates were three percent.  As men gave more and more control to women over dating and marriage divorce rates began to skyrocket and eventually peak at over fifty percent by the mid 1980s (with women being the initiators in seventy percent of divorces).

Everything I have just stated may seem like a dark and dreary outlook of marriage and male/female relationships in our Postfeminist culture.  But we as Christians do not have the option of loosing hope in God’s institution of marriage.  God does not give us the right to give up on the very first human relationship he ever established which was marriage.

Why Marriage is Worth Bothering With

Marriage is absolutely “worth bothering with” because God has commanded it. And why has he commanded it? He has commanded it as part of his larger reason for making man and woman in the Garden of Eden.

1 Corinthians 11:7-9 in its divine commentary on the creation account states:

“7 For a man indeed ought not to cover his head, forasmuch as he is the image and glory of God: but the woman is the glory of the man.
8 For the man is not of the woman: but the woman of the man.
9 Neither was the man created for the woman; but the woman for the man.”

Men and women were given life and given their shared human traits for different reasons. God gave man his human traits along with additional masculine traits so that man bring glory to God by imaging him with his life. Literally man was created to live out God’s attributes. That is why men are called to be leaders, providers and protectors to their wives and children and to image God as husband to their wives and image God as a father to their children.

Women were not given their common human traits with men for this same purpose. They were given their humanity in order to be a helper and companion to man they were purposefully made as “the weaker vessel” as 1 Peter 3:7 states so that they would need man’s leadership, provision and protection as all mankind needs God’s leadership, provision and protection.

So it is for this reason that marriage is SO MUCH MORE than about our personal happiness or having fun. Marriage was designed by God as an extension of his purpose for creating male human beings so that they could full image him in all his attributes – and to do this they need someone to lovingly lead, provide for and protect and thus he made woman.

So its not about what you or I want or what sounds like fun or if it sounds difficult. It is about obeying God’s first command to mankind:

“And God blessed them, and God said unto them, Be fruitful, and multiply, and replenish the earth, and subdue it: and have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air, and over every living thing that moveth upon the earth.”
Genesis 1:28 (KJV)

God has never rescinded his first command and even in the New Testament the Bible states Marriage is honourable in all, and the bed undefiled (Hebrews 13:4). Marriage is God’s rule for our lives and celibacy is his exception to that rule that ye may attend upon the Lord without distraction (1 Corinthians 7:35). In other words, if your reason for not marrying is to serve God in an undivided fashion than your reason for celibacy is honorable and holy before God. If however your reason for celibacy is based in fear or selfishness that you want to just have more money or not risk being hurt by a spouse in marriage than your reason for celibacy is not honored before God.

Another indicator that celibacy is not for most people is that the vast majority of people have God given desire for intimate companion ship that only marriage can fulfill(whether it be for sex or having children or other reasons) and therefore we can rightly say based upon the Scriptures that it is better to marry than to burn (1 Corinthians 7:9).

The Facts Don’t Lie – Marriage is Better for Men and Society

Occasionally I will check out various atheist blogs and YouTube channels that critique this blog.  What I often find interesting is that they admit something many Christian feminist bloggers will not admit.  Some atheist bloggers admit that feminism and women’s equality has been a major blow to this historic institution of marriage.  But you know what their response is? We don’t need marriage anymore.  Sure, it is fine if you want to, they say, but marriage is no longer needed for a strong and stable society in their view.

But multiple studies call into question the contention of some atheists that marriage is an outdated societal institution that is no longer needed.

Bradford Wilcox and Nicholas H. Wolfinger in their article for National Review entitled “Hey Guys, Put a Ring on It”  demonstrate through the results of many studies the positive impact marriage has on men and thus society at large:

“First, let’s consider money. Marriage has a transformative effect on men’s finances. After marrying, men typically work harder, smarter, and more successfully. They are less likely to be fired. And they make about $16,000 more than their single peers with otherwise similar backgrounds. In general, marriage seems to increase the earning power of men on the order of 10 to 24 percent…

Men don’t just enjoy a better sex life when married; they are also more likely to enjoy better health. Research suggests that men who get and stay married live almost ten years longer than their unmarried peers. And a recent Harvard study found that even among men diagnosed with cancer, the married ones live longer…

We’ve seen that for the average guy, when it comes to money, sex, and health, marriage offers significant returns on the sacrifices it requires. It’s all of a piece with what one major research project, the Harvard Study of Adult Development, found about what makes men healthy and happy over the course of their lives, including their retirement years. Indeed, elderly men who enjoyed good marriages reported significantly less depression, better moods, and more satisfaction with life.”

Robert Rector wrote an article for the Heritage.org entitled “Marriage: America’s Greatest Weapon Against Child Poverty” where he made the following conclusion from looking at government statistics on the demographics of those most likely to fall into poverty:

“Child poverty is an ongoing national concern, but few are aware of its principal cause: the absence of married fathers in the home. According to the U.S. Census, the poverty rate for single parents with children in the United States in 2008 was 36.5 percent. The rate for married couples with children was 6.4 percent. Being raised in a married family reduced a child’s probability of living in poverty by about 80 percent

The effect of married fathers on child outcomes can be quite pronounced. For example, examination of families with the same race and same parental education shows that, when compared to intact married families, children from single-parent homes are:

More than twice as likely to be arrested for a juvenile crime;[20]

Twice as likely to be treated for emotional and behavioral problems;[21]

Roughly twice as likely to be suspended or expelled from school;[22] and

A third more likely to drop out before completing high school.[23]”

The facts above clearly show that married men make more money and are more successful in their careers.  They lead healthier and more fulfilled lives.  Children raised by fathers married to their mothers do better in their education and are less likely to fall into poverty or get involved with crime.

So, both the Christian feminists and atheists are wrong.  Christian feminists are wrong in denying that feminism has decimated the institution of marriage and atheists are wrong in saying it is OK for marriage to go away and that society no longer needs it.

Conclusion

Marriage is definitely “worth bothering with” because God commands it and it is part of the very reason, we as both men and women were created.

Now does this mean young men must take the first woman that expresses interest in them as a potential husband? Absolutely not!  And far too many young men who are insecure with themselves marry the first woman who expresses interest in them.  A lot of Christian men marry because they are desperate to have sex and they fail to look closely at the character of the woman they are marrying.

Christian men can and should approach women and dating (really it should be courting) with a great deal of Scriptural knowledge of what marriage is about and also prayer as well as discretion.  They also should lean on their parents and other wise counsel to know if a woman is of good character and one who would make a good wife to them and a good mother to their children.

But the main point is Christian men cannot give up on marriage even it takes many years to find the right woman.  The search should be continual even if it means a man saving money for many years and seeking a wife overseas from a less westernized country or more conservative (mostly rural areas) of western countries.

Related Articles:

For What Reasons Does God Allow Celibacy?

Why MGTOW Is an Unbiblical Philosphy

What is the Difference Between Courting and Dating

35 thoughts on “Is Marriage Worth Bothering With?

  1. BGR stop saying “God commands it…..” as if it’s the be all end all to support your position. God commands a hell of a lot of things which obviously do not apply any more, (just a cursory look at some explicit commands in the Old Testament is sufficient to prove my point ), so it’s a rather weak argument to say “God commands it”

    Marriage is an “option” not a command, if you’re tempted to commit fornication but other than that it’s completely optional, especially in light of the fact that the 2 greatest figure heads of Christianity forego marriage entirely, namely Jesus and Paul the Apostle. Kind of hard to make your case when they didn’t get married

    Also it’s not just atheists who teach that marriage is not good…..one of the strongest bible believing Christians right here in WordPress, a guy named DALROCK teaches and warns men of the inherent dangers of marriage, and he’s not the only born again Christian whose teaching this.

    My personal view is that any man, I don’t care whether he is a Christian or not, who gets married today is committing financial and mental suicide, it is literally far too dangerous for men to get married in today’s world
    Teaching others to get married should come with very severe warnings about the risks involved for men.
    Unfortunately marriage now days is an awesome ideal but it comes with risks

  2. feministdestroyer,

    With all due respect have you not read much of my blog? I am constantly warning men of how feminism has twisted the minds of women and how it has hurt courtship (how men and women come to be married) and as well as marriage itself. Darlock and I would have very close agreement in warning men about the risks involved with marriage. In fact I would agree with many other manosphere writers about the inherent risks for men in marriage. Even the Rollo Tomassi of the Rational Male blog and I would agree on many of the inherent risks for men in marriage in our postfeminist society.

    Where we as manospheres bloggers will disagree is not about the problem of feminism and how it is twisted and warped male/female courting and marriage – but we disagree on what to do about it.

    I know Darlock is still pro-marriage as he writes articles on courtship and attraction models. Now I am not sure if he agrees with me that marriage is still a command while celibacy is an exception to that command – but I know he is not anti-marriage. He is just anti-feminist like I am.

    But it is my firm conviction that the “Be Fruitful and Multiply” command is still in full force while I acknowledge that God allows celibacy for undivided service to him. Allowance for an exception, does not get rid of the command. I am fully aware that some commands of the Old Testament do no apply to us any more as New Testament believers but the Bible is clear on which ones do not:

    “1 Then verily the first covenant had also ordinances of divine service, and a worldly sanctuary… 10 Which stood only in meats and drinks, and divers washings, and carnal ordinances, imposed on them until the time of reformation.”

    Hebrews 9:1 & 10 (KJV)

    “16 Let no man therefore judge you in meat, or in drink, or in respect of an holyday, or of the new moon, or of the sabbath days: 17 Which are a shadow of things to come; but the body is of Christ.”
    Colossians 2:16-17 (KJV)

    So in these passages above we can see the ceremonial laws including the festival laws, the sabbath laws, the dietary laws, the cleanliness laws and the sacrificial laws no longer apply to us as New Testament believers. The civil laws(i.e. punishment or restitution to be made for breaking God’s moral laws) no longer apply either as they were given for the theocracy of Israel and the church is not a physical nation, but instead a spiritual nation made up of people of all nations of the earth.

    But the moral law of the Old Testament still remains sir. The burden of proof to say it does not apply anymore is on those like yourself who say it does not. And you cannot prove Scripturally that God rescinded his first command to mankind.

    And the example of Christ and the Apostle Paul being celibate proves nothing of your point. I have stated in the article that God’s exception to his command for undivided service to him – which is what Christ and Paul were called to do with their lives.

    So yes, if God commands something and it is not part of the ceremonial or civil law of Israel – we are very much obliged as believers to follow that command. I would be very careful of ever saying an argument is weak based on the fact that “God commands it”.

  3. feministdestroyer,

    And the principle I am teaching of three-fold division of the Old Testament law has been a well accepted principle for centuries among Church theologians:

    “We must attend to the well-known division which distributes the whole law of God, as promulgated by Moses, into the moral, the Ceremonial, and the judicial law.”

    The Institutes of the Christian Religion, John Calvin (1509-1564)

    “We must therefore distinguish three kinds of precept in the Old Law; viz. ‘moral’ precepts, which are dictated by the natural law; ‘Ceremonial’ precepts, which are determinations of the Divine worship; and ‘judicial’ precepts, which are determinations of the justice to be maintained among men.”

    Summa Theologica, Thomas Aquinas (1225-1274)

  4. I have to admit that is a very good answer BGR. …thank you for helping me see that you do not include the ceremonial and Sabbath laws as having any binding on Christians today.
    There’s not much more I can add lol, we are bot in agreement at the damage feminism has done to society and marriage in particular

  5. feministdestroyer,

    Also while this is not a quote from the Bible, I do think it is a very wise quote as it applies to marriage and the risk it poses. The following quote is from President Theodore Roosevelt from his speech “On American Motherhood” delivered in 1905:

    “There are many good people who are denied the supreme blessing of children, and for these we have the respect and sympathy always due to those who, from no fault of their own, are denied any of the other great blessings of life. But the man or woman who deliberately foregoes these blessings, whether from viciousness, coldness, shallow-heartedness, self-indulgence, or mere failure to appreciate aright the difference between the all-important and the unimportant,—why, such a creature merits contempt as hearty as any visited upon the soldier who runs away in battle, or upon the man who refuses to work for the support of those dependent upon him, and who tho able-bodied is yet content to eat in idleness the bread which others provide.”

    Notice one of the comparisons he uses for the “man or woman” who deliberately forgoes marriage and children for selfish reasons – he compares them to “the soldier who runs away in battle”. Marriage has always been a battle throughout history. Now I would certainly agree it is a far greater battle in this postfeminist age than it has ever been.

    But let’s take Theodore Roosevelt’s example of “the soldier who runs away in battle”. Imagine that a man went through boot camp and were trained in all the dangers he would face in the war to come. But because it was too risky, and he might die he refuses to go to war and runs away. What would we call such a man? We would call him a coward as Roosevelt did.

    Yes I believe it is our duty as Christian fathers and Christian preachers and teachers to constantly call out feminism and warn our young men of the dangers of this wicked philosophy. We need to teach our young men how to navigate this post feminist war zone – but the answer is not for them to retreat because of the risks. That is my argument. I believe that God’s first command still stands, and those who say it does must prove this from the Scriptures. We are called to go into the battlefield that is marriage and do our best to survive and thrive for the glory of God.

  6. feministdestroyer,

    An finally – yes you have prompted many thoughts from me that I think will be helpful to others. – On the issue of second marriages. I do not think in a case like yours where you have been “wounded on the battlefield of marriage” going along with my last illustration that you are obligated to seek marriage again. You have done your duty and sadly it did not work out well for you. The same would go for a widower as well. If you have no sexual temptation and are fine serving God in your singleness than more power to you.

    But it is one thing for you to warn you children, especially your sons if you have them, of the risks of marriage as I do here and Darlock does as well, and very much another to tell them that men who get married are committing “financial and mental suicide” and it far too dangerous for them. Remember the solider who does not go to battle? Can he look out at the battle and see the fierceness of it and say “Man it is suicide to go down there!” or he is called for the glory of God to enter the battle no matter the risks? I would argue Biblicaly speaking the answer is the latter.

  7. Had me until you started quoting Wilcux. Married men make more money because they have to, not because roofing or any other job is necessarily in their own best interest. They are also only healthier if you don’t compare married men to equally marriageable men. Fat married men look good when you compare to poor divorcees and the disabled that would never find a wife in the first place. You make strong arguments, but he is just here to sign up new recruits to the modern marriage steamroller.

  8. I’m thankful that you don’t just tell men to get married because it’s going to make them happier, healthier, richer, and provide them better sex. If anything, you say none of that is guaranteed but that men should marry anyways. Wilcux never addresses risks and poverty after divorce because he is there to sell lies. As far as I’ve seen, he’s never mentioned that you need to find a woman that believes in contributing to her husband’s well being over being served. Wilcux might as well push the benefits of winning the state lottery.

  9. I disagree that married men have a better sex life. You certainly know that many wives deny sex to their husbands.

  10. We need to look at what God wishes for us and we need to be strong. People act like going into marriage is a final nail in their coffin, but perhaps they went into marriage with the wrong ideas, and married a spouse who went into marriage with the wrong ideas, and that played out.

    I have to think that a man who knows the Word and deals with a young woman fairly and accordingly and lets her know up front what type of marriage he is looking for will have a much better chance than the many people who stumble into it with assumptions in their head only to find out that they were the only one who had that idea.

    From the minute the relationship begins, make sure she understands you plan on having a traditional, bible based, scriptural marriage that is God honoring. The minute she deviates from that, be man enough to rebuke and call it out, and lead the right direction to return to the right course.

    It is always possible that she could go crazy on you after all of these things are clearly understood going into it, but that is a much lower chance than I was thinking this, she was thinking that, we never discussed that it was her job to follow me and she doesn’t want to do that because her friends don’t have to. She needs to understand that her friends probably won’t be married in 10 years with that attitude and that you are offering something more.

    Yes, you expect her to do your will and respect you, but you will meet your responsibility towards her as well and be there when she grows old and all of her friends are alone.

  11. Julia,

    When they said “good” the studies are comparing single men to married men and it really is about frequency more than quality. If you dive into the studies on this in most cases you will see single men have great sex – but the frequency is not as good as for married men. Single men can go many months at a time without sex because they are only having casual sex with women and are not in a relationship.

    For married men, the quality may not be as good, but the frequency is often much better than for single men.

    And we know why the quality is good for single men – because women love shiny new objects. So when a woman meets a new guy and she first has sex with him it is extremely passionate on her part and she does all kinds of tricks. But when women settle into marriage and are secure and newness and excitement goes away that is when the sex often times becomes not as good – because it is not as new and exciting to them anymore.

  12. Thanks a lot for your long response!

    I’m not actively looking for a wife at the moment because I need to increase my income first.

    The reason why I asked is marriage worth it is because I’ve been tempted to go sleep with random women as I have the looks to attract women but not the income to have a wife (in addition to what I said about how most marriages seem rubbish).

  13. Can anyone actually prove this chart wrong?

    (Rick I just grabbed the image as I have seen it all over the web and put in for you.)

  14. So in regard to the MGTOW image you referenced.

    It is wrong because it presents the false proposition that there is only kind of woman and that is a secularist or feminist Christian.

    While there are a lot of bad apples out there(feminist, secularist and liberal Christian women) there are still some good apples(Bible believing Christian women) that would make that whole dynamic being painted to be wrong.

    I personally know many conservative Christian women that have dinner on the table for their husbands when they get home from work. They bear and care for his children at home and the affairs of his home while he goes out and makes his mark on the world. They give their husband their body whenever he requests it. They treat him with respect and want him to be their spiritual leader and teacher. I know women who do in fact treat their husbands as kings in their homes.

    But men have to be willing to search for these “rubies” as the Bible calls them in Proverbs 31:10. Imagine if you went searching for rubies and started digging around your backyard for a couple of days. Then you said “I can’t find any rubies”. How silly would that be? Rather you would research and find out places where rubies are most often found and you would dig there.

  15. BGR,

    You said, “And we know why the quality is good for single men – because women love shiny new objects. So when a woman meets a new guy and she first has sex with him it is extremely passionate on her part and she does all kinds of tricks. But when women settle into marriage and are secure and newness and excitement goes away that is when the sex often times becomes not as good – because it is not as new and exciting to them anymore.”

    Are you really serious??? “Women love shiny new objects”??? Are you trying to be offensive? If you were then you succeeded. Anyhow, as if the same thing couldn’t be said about men. Just absurd. How many people in general keep working at their marriage the same way they did when they were dating? Everyone puts on their best selves when they’re trying to find a mate. Not everyone keeps trying to be their best self once they’ve found their mate. It’s no wonder so many people are dissatisfied with what they end up with. In our marriage we both push each other to be our best selves. In a loving respectful way.

    In my marriage things have only gotten better and better for the both of us in the bedroom and out because we have both learned what makes the other tick. We both know what makes the other hot and heavy and we both do those things for each other. It’s mutual. That’s what makes it better all the time and not worse. Guess what? It takes both people its not all one person’s responsibility. Want hot exciting sex? Make it happen together! I have never understood sex with someone you barely know being exciting…That’s terrifying! Sex as a married virgin is terrifying. Not hot or exciting. Sex after you’ve been married for 15 years and you are comfortable and know what to do and that you can trust each other then it will be hot. Not that it takes 15 years because it doesn’t.

    What you said just makes me crazy. I have not experienced that at all in 15 years of marriage. ONE 15 year marriage TO THE SAME PERSON. Not after having 4 kids. Not after weight gain with both of us. Not after loss of careers. Not after one of us had a drug abuse problem. Not after any of the crazy stuff life has thrown at us. It has stayed exciting and new and “shiny.”We love each other, both the romantic and the unconditional kinds of love. We respect each other. We care for each other. Neither one of us lost interest because the other was no longer a “shiny new object.” You know what we do? We continuously break out the polish and put the shine back on this marriage! It stays shiny and new but even better it’s familiar and comfortable.

    I realize you did say “sex often times becomes not as good” meaning often but not always. I can definitely say that has not happened in my marriage. If it ever did then we would do what was necessary to shine it back on. We’re in this for the long haul.

  16. Here’s a hint: pass up the hotties for the cute gals. Ditch the 9 and 10s and marry the 6 and 7s. I’m never going to win Miss America, but I keep my husband satisfied. I love him, serve him, submit, respect him, nourish him. I have never refused him sex. He gets breakfast in bed.

    I don’t know any guys who married hotties who are happy. But, I know plenty who married cuties or even Plain Janes who are very happy.

  17. livinginblurredlines,

    Amen sister. Amen. Since I was in high school I avoided the hot girls like the plague and did exactly what you said and went after the cute girls instead. For me as long as she had a cute face, long hair and a nice rack that was all I needed. Most other imperfections or extra weight I could live with. Now yes sometimes the cute girls can give you trouble too, so nothing is guaranteed – but at least you have a far better chance with the cute girls than the hot girls.

    The problem with the hot girls is the whole “sex rank” that is often spoken of in the manosphere. Most women know their “sex rank” and they use it if it is high to dominate the men around them. I have yet to meet a husband that has a hot wife whose wife does not expect to be worshiped by her husband. Now I can think of a few 8’s that are on the border of hotness that actually do treat their husbands well.

    But as far the hotties go(the 10s and 9s) they basically have the attitude that their husbands should be grateful to be in their presence and if their husbands can lay a hand on them 4 times a year consider themselves lucky.

    Trust me guys livinginblurredlines is SO RIGHT on this – if you marry a 9 or 10 girl you will be kissing her but(and not in the sexual way) for the rest of your life and you will be having a lot less sex than the guy married to the cute girl.

  18. livinginblurredlines,

    Let me give one exception to the hotties rule. If the guy is mega hot – like he is a 10 and she is a 9 then he still has a chance having a good marriage. But she has to see his value as higher than hers or this won’t happen.

  19. Wow. “Hotties,” “cuties,” “plain Janes,” “6’s,” “7’s,” “8’s,” “9’s,” and “10’s”? What is wrong with you people? Don’t judge a book by it’s cover but judge every person you meet by how they look? If that’s how you’re looking for a life mate then you should just give up now because you are doomed. This is seriously gross. Just yuck. ‘Cause ya know that’s how Christ lived right? Judging people by how they looked? Y’all are so shallow. It’s shameful. Shame on you.

  20. Lost&Found, beneath the surface of these terms are some truths.

    The shiny new thing issue happens with both men and women – the real question is will both the man and the woman do right with each other after the novelty wears off and selfishness rears its ugly head? Biblically that answer is yes, they have a duty to.

    On the issue of 9’s, 10’s, and so on, I give my son this piece of advice at least twice a week: Son, it doesn’t matter how hot she is on the outside, if she doesn’t have the right heart on the inside, it will be guaranteed misery. Note that I don’t tell him that what she looks like on the outside doesn’t matter. The reason is that is does matter, and to understand men and the way God designed men, one has to accept this. Men are hardwired to desire beauty and this is why it is so important that a wife take care of herself physically as best she can. In short, it isn’t all the outside, it isn’t all the inside, it is both.

  21. Lost&Found… I didn’t take any of those comments as making judgements based on looks. I think they were pointing out that when a girl grows up with a perfect outside appearance, they typically end up getting a lot of praise for their looks from a young age. That in itself isn’t necessarily wrong I don’t think, but girls like that tend to grow up viewing themselves as “goddesses” and expect people to view them as the same.

    This is very dangerous, as women (and just for clarification, I am a woman as well lol), were not made to be praised on that level. Certainly there’s nothing wrong with praising a woman for their looks and guys thinking a woman is hot or not, but a woman was not made to be looked up to, but rather to be the one looking up.

    Also, I don’t know about you, but I and the majority of women, do like new things. I love getting new clothes (ever if they are hand me downs), new beauty products, new home decor… etc.

    I don’t comment often, in fact I have only commented once. BUT I can say that since reading this blog and seriously reading the Bible and studying it, my opinion has changed on a lot of things. I have since asked my husband If I can be a stay at home mom and if we could move up our plans to have children. I am SO much happier since making that change. I say that to say that I think you are living in a delusion. I obviously don’t know you but I can say this: it is extremely rare to never get a boring sex life in marriage.

    My husband and I have only been married 2 years and we still have to adjust and shake things up often. Perhaps you have an awesome marriage were you have never gotten bored, or never questioned what you got into (lol), I don’t know. But what I do know is that you said marriage is both people pushing each other to be our best selves, and pushing my husband whas never got me anywhere, and I don’t think it will get any wife anywhere. He will only hide his true thoughts and tendacies to keep you from pretty much nagging him.

    Also, while I agree sex is a shared responsibility, more often then not, sex being good is reliant on the woman’s attitude and her willingness to partake in the marriage bed.

  22. livinginblurredlines

    Sexual attraction is a must; without it, there is no intimacy, and without intimacy, the marriage dies before it begins.

    A sexless marriage is NOT a “blessed marriage” in my book.

  23. Lost&Found

    You’d be surprised how often the girl’s outside reflects her inside. Many of the nastiest female attitudes I’ve ever seen were exhibited by uglies.

  24. Rick, my husband was sexually attracted to me from the start. I’m not a dog, but I am not a playboy model, either. I keep my hair long, my figure shapely, and my face the best I can. It’s not about going after someone you aren’t sexually attracted to. It’s about finding the whole package and not just going after the wrapping.

  25. Rick,

    Sexual attraction IS a must, but different guys find different features sexually attractive. For instance, the whole arguments of boobs versus butt being more important. But there are other things that are a must in a marriage, and those are just as important. What good is sexual attraction if the woman has no interest in submitting to her husband and partaking joyfully in sex? My husband always says that he never went after the high maintenance looking girls, lol.

  26. “more often then not, sex being good is reliant on the woman’s attitude and her willingness to partake in the marriage bed.”

    THAT RIGHT THERE IS THE TRUTH!!!

  27. “If however your reason for celibacy is based in fear or selfishness that you want to just have more money or not risk being hurt by a spouse in marriage than your reason for celibacy is not honored before God.”

    What if it was God who induced that fear?

    Because of Jesus’s words about lust in Matthew 5, I spent a good part of my life associating guilt and shame with every sexual thought/urge/desire/etc. to the point where that part of my mind was pretty much repressed into near non-existence.

    It’s been a few months since I went to church. Marriage doesn’t seem to be worth it, and as more time goes on, I’m starting to think that my faith-walk isn’t worth it either.

  28. What SMV scale are all of you using? Given hypergamy, this must be advice for men who are 9’s and 10’s. I’d also like examples of the plain janes that can’t find a man (age, weight, # of kids / other red flags). I see men willing to lower their standards, but I’ve noticed very few women (especially 6’s and 7’s) hanging around church with nothing to do.

  29. WoodChipper, there is this modern day lazy idea that people should, “love us for who we are,” that translates to, “I am not going to bother improving myself.” I knew I wasn’t going to find a husband on looks alone, especially in my peer group. So, I set my sights on becoming feminine, accomplished in homemaking, studying what makes a good wife, and considering older men. As such, I found an older man who loved my classic feminine appearance, my homemaking skills, and my sexual interest.

    The good news is the women in my family age like fine wine. In our younger years we are plain old grape juice, but while other gals turn to vinegar, we turn into fine wine. My numbers have risen among my peer group in the looks department. What was ugly at 16 now snaps the necks of middle aged divorcees who wondered where I was 20 years ago. I was there. They just passed me up for the hottie.

  30. purge187, does God tempt us? Why would He induce a fear such as this? I don’t think He would.

    Many in the church have Matthew 5 all wrong. Jesus was preaching against *adultery*, but no one seems to remember this for some reason. He was not redefining adultery. Adultery has not changed. If you decide to take another man’s wife whether it comes true or not, you have sinned in your heart and failed a temptation. That is what he was saying. Why would he condemn what is good? He designed sex. He made men to desire women! This misunderstanding has done so much damage and serves the feminist agenda perfectly. “Men’s traits are bad, women’s traits are holy.” Look at what often passes for “men” in many churches now; the more feminine they are the more holy they are. They have been shamed out of being men! It is sickening and evil.

  31. Wise men are pretty rare. Wise women are even rarer.

    “Behold, this have I found, saith the preacher, counting one by one, to find out the account: Which yet my soul seeketh, but I find not: one man among a thousand have I found; but a woman among all those have I not found.”

    Virtuous young women are not a dime a dozen.

    “Who can find a virtuous woman? for her price is far above rubies.”

    A virtuous woman is hard to find, and dating around is like looking through a haystack. You’ll probably want to seek out a godly father who is looking for a godly husband for his daughter.

    If you cannot find a virtuous woman, don’t get married. You be better off living as a hermit.

    “It is better to dwell in the wilderness, than with a contentious and an angry woman.”

  32. Purge,

    The Scriptures tell us that fearing God and keeping his commandments is the entire duty of man:

    “Let us hear the conclusion of the whole matter: Fear God, and keep his commandments: for this is the whole duty of man.”
    Ecclesiastes 12:13 (KJV)

    But we also read the following in the Scriptures:

    “There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear: because fear hath torment. He that feareth is not made perfect in love.”
    1 John 4:18 (KJV)

    We as Christians certainly should have a healthy fear of sinning against God. The Bible asks us as Christians the following question and then gives us the answer:

    “1 What shall we say then? Shall we continue in sin, that grace may abound?
    2 God forbid. How shall we, that are dead to sin, live any longer therein?”
    Romans 6:1-2 (KJV)

    But we cannot be afraid to look into the Word of God and even to question the teachings of our churches. This is what many Christians fail to do either out of fear of questioning the teaching of their church, or just plain laziness. In fact the Catholic Church for many centuries made everyone afraid to question to their teachings and they had people believing that hell fire awaited them if they deviated from or questioned the Church’s tradition.

    Well thankfully God gave a man named Martin Luther the courage to do just that as he read this famous passage:

    “For therein is the righteousness of God revealed from faith to faith: as it is written, The just shall live by faith.”
    Romans 1:17 (KJV)

    Martin Luther came to the realization that he was justified by faith, not his works and not even his perfect understanding the Bible. He no longer had to fear questioning the teachings of Catholic Church. And once that fear was removed he helped to usher in a movement across Europe that would eventually affect the founding of America.

    You need to realize that too.

    “28 But I say unto you, That whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart.”
    Matthew 5:28 (KJV)

    When you looked at that passage above from Matthew 5:28 you were probably filling in what you thought lust is. But that was your first mistake as it for a vast number of Christians.

    We must go with God’s definition of lust, not our cultural definition and he tells us what lust is in the following passage:

    “7 What shall we say then? Is the law sin? God forbid. Nay, I had not known sin, but by the law: for I had not known lust, except the law had said, Thou shalt not covet.
    Romans 7:7 (KJV)

    Lust is not sexual desire or sexual arousal it is covetousness.

    And where do we find covetousness defined? We then need to look to the 10th commandment of God which puts covetousness into proper context so we can understand what it is:

    “17 Thou shalt not covet thy neighbour’s house, thou shalt not covet thy neighbour’s wife, nor his manservant, nor his maidservant, nor his ox, nor his ass, nor any thing that is thy neighbour’s.”
    Exodus 20:17 (KJV)

    1. Is it covetousness to find your neighbor’s livestock desirable? The answer is no. You could legally buy them from him if he so desired to sell them to you.

    2. Is it covetousness to find your neighbor’s house desirable? Again the answer is no as you could again legally buy his house from him if he so desired to sell it to you.

    So what covetousness?

    Covetousness goes beyond merely finding something or someone desirable, but rather it is a desire to unlawfully possess what rightfully belongs to our neighbor.

    Therefore we can rightly say based upon the clear teachings of the Word of God that lust in the context of sex is NOT mere sexual arousal, sexual desire or even sexual fantasy. It is instead the desire to entice a woman into having sex with you outside of marriage.

    So you must retrain your mind. You must no longer fear God’s design and the sexual nature he has placed in you, but rather you must embrace it and harness its energy to seek a woman in marriage. Of course as I have said here – you don’t have to take the first woman who comes your way. Look for a godly woman. Look for that ruby.

  33. Livinginblurredlines, glad to hear it. You played the long game while other women were out collecting “experiences.” Now you are in a better situation while most of them are worn for the wear.
    I often wonder if stories like these can help teach women or if women just value the present over the future too much for it to even matter.

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