How a husband can enjoy sex that is grudgingly given by his wife

“You said we shouldn’t feel guilty to have sex even if it’s grudgingly but how can you? I would probably just cry and try to sleep.” – This was a question I got this week from a young husband who has been married a few years and is now experiencing a lack of sexual desire from his wife. He also needed me to help clarify the differences between sexual refusal, sexual rain-checks and sexual desire.

As I started to respond to his email I thought it would be good if I included this for my readers.

Sexual Refusal

This is when a wife just comes out and says “NO!” or pushes your hands away. As I said in my post on “8 steps to confronting your wife’s sexual refusal” you as a husband should not tolerate refusal.  If your wife says “NO” and slaps your hand away that is a disrespectful and unloving response by your wife to your sexual initiation and there is no sin in you trying to initiate sex with your wife.

Sexual Rain-check

This is when you go to initiate sex with your wife and she responds kindly and gently.  Perhaps she says something like “Honey, I know you really need it, but I am just really sick tonight, can I make it up to you tomorrow?” There are other reasons of course that a woman might legitimately ask for a rain-check of course like after the birth of a child, or surgeries, chronic pain flare-ups, deaths in the family and other reasons like these.

Sexual Desire

This is her actually wanting to have sex with you and obviously this is what every man who loves his wife would prefer from his wife at every sexual encounter. But women are not like men are when it comes to sexual arousal. They just don’t instantly get horny and want to have sex.  In most cases a woman’s desire for sex must be cultivated either by her husband, herself or a combination of the two.

“But I want my wife to desire and enjoy sex with me!”

We as men are programmed by God to want our wives to have pleasure when we are having sex with her. When your wife looks (or sounds) like what you are doing is giving her pleasure that is what makes sex the best! That is what makes it the most fulfilling in not just a physical manner, but also a psychological manner.

But then we have the conundrum, women don’t always feel like having sex. Even women that have a healthy view of sex don’t always feel like having sex as much as their husbands do. Then we have the women who do not have a healthy view of sex and see it as “dirty” or just something you do to have babies.

So how do we solve this conundrum? He wants her to desire and enjoy sex and she may desire sex far less frequently or not at all.

Those who reject the Biblical concept that sex is both a gift and a duty in marriage solve this problem by saying “They should only have sex when they BOTH desire to have sex”. But that is not God’s answer.

“Let the husband render unto the wife due benevolence: and likewise also the wife unto the husband. The wife hath not power of her own body, but the husband: and likewise also the husband hath not power of his own body, but the wife.

Defraud ye not one the other, except it be with consent for a time, that ye may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again, that Satan tempt you not for your incontinency.” – I Corinthians 7:3-5 (KJV)

The only time sex should not occur is when both the husband and wife give mutual consent not to for a short period of time.

As a husband you can attempt to cultivate desire for sex in your wife by doing what God has commanded you to do outside the bedroom – and that is to know your wife(I Peter 3:7).  That means talking to her and hearing about her day and her concerns. It might also mean giving her a foot massage or a back massage after a rough day. Every woman is different and as husbands we need to get to know what makes our wife’s tick and not just for sexual purposes but to know her as God would have us to know her.

But a husband is NOT 100% responsible for cultivating all of his wife’s sexual desire.  A woman bears some responsibility for cultivating her own sexual desire.  The Bible says this about women:

“That they may teach the young women to be sober, to love their husbands, to love their children, to be discreet, chaste, keepers at home, good, obedient to their own husbands, that the word of God be not blasphemed.” – Titus 2:4-5 (KJV)

That phrase “to love their husbands” is based on the Greek word philandros and it is the only time that word is used in the Bible.  Unlike Agape love which is the most common word for love in the New Testament, philandros love speaks of an affectionate love that a wife is to have toward her husband. Some have wrongly tried to suggest that this is exactly the same as the love women are told to have for their children because the roots are the same.  But in Greek usage this word took on the context of a woman being “a lover of her husband” and yes it meant in the sexual context, not just simple affection.

Women are commanded by God to be their husband’s lovers (in every sexual and affectionate sense of that word).

We need only look to the Song of Solomon to see a woman giving us an example of how a wife can be a lover to her husband.

But in the end – your wife has to realize that the greatest impediment to her own enjoyment of sex may be her own mind! A woman’s mind can literally put her body in lock down mode and she may not enjoy any touch from you in that mindset. She must let go and focus on her body and understand how it works before she can truly enjoy sex.

But until your wife truly overcomes her impediments to sex should she fake it? I believe the answer is yes. I think as a husband you can let her know it is ok to “fake it until she makes it”. I have written a companion post to this post for wives entitled “Should Christian wives fake it?” that talks to women about this.

You need to stop pressuring your wife for “the truth”

But if your wife agrees to “fake it till she makes it” then you need to let her do that.

“Was it really good or were you just faking for me” – those words need to be erased from your vocabulary as a husband. If your wife appeared to have a good time leave it there.

I realize you might think you are just trying to figure out what works. Also I am not saying it always wrong to talk about sex with your wife, but few women want to do a post-game analysis.

Women don’t always want to talk to you about specific technique in most cases, they just want to show you what they want and you need to watch for her nonverbal guidance during sex. If your wife actually expresses a desire to talk about some specifics when it comes to foreplay and the act itself than by all means have that conversation with her.

You need to talk to your wife about helping her with her desire, but I am talking about things outside the act of sex itself. I mean ways you can help her relax BEFORE sex so she will have an easier time mentally preparing herself for sex.

But what you don’t want to do is constantly annoy your wife for “scorecards”.

Things like “So what was my rating for that time babe? Or “Did you like that special thing I did?” or any of these types of things will annoy and bother most wives.

Should your wife complement your sexual performance? Absolutely! But if you have to ask for a compliment then it’s not really a compliment is it?

Your wife knows you love her. She knows you want to please her. If she has accepted the truth that she has to understand her own body and then show you the way she will do it. You just need to do your best to watch for her signals and simply enjoy that your wife is trying to please you and make you feel loved!

Stop prying. Just enjoy. Even if your wife is in touch with her body will there still be times when she fakes it? Sure. But rest assured that for women sex is not considered a complete failure if she does not have an orgasm every time.

“So HOW do I have sex with my wife knowing she is not in the mood?”

But what if you have tried everything you can as husband but your wife refuses to do her part and look inward at things she can change in herself to help herself enjoy sex more and cultivate a desire?

What if she agrees to sex grudgingly and refuses to “fake it” but instead displays her displeasure the entire time?

First of all, your reaction of being upset at the displeasure on your wife’s face during sex that she has grudgingly agreed to is completely normal.

You need to realize that this is a physical need that you have as a man. You also need to realize that whether your wife knows it or not she needs to have sex too. Your marriage needs sex at regular intervals. If you don’t have sex with your wife at regular intervals, even sometimes when she is not in the mood but consents anyway, you will open yourself to temptation. You will find yourself becoming distant from your wife, because this is the primary way that you as man feel closeness with your wife.

But even if you realize and accept this truth that you need sex and it needs to happen even if your wife refuses to “fake it” and bury her wrong attitude then what?

The secret of enjoying grudgingly given sex from your wife

Focus your eyes on her body, not her face. Focus on the visual pleasure you receive from looking at her body and physical pleasure you receive from being inside your wife.

I know you love your wife, most of us as men love our wives. You want to connect with her physically AND emotionally during sex. But your wife is the one refusing to connect with you emotionally, so you have to concentrate 100% on the physical side.

Let me try and explain this in another way. In Greek mythology there was a monster woman named Medusa. She was a cursed and hideous creature and if men looked upon her face they were turned to stone.

I know you love your wife, most men love their wives. But sin is ugly. Your beautiful bride’s face becomes ugly during this sinful time that she is grudgingly giving you sex as she grimaces wanting you to “just hurry up and get it over with”.

So like the men who could not look at Medusa’s face otherwise they would be killed, realize that if you look on your wife’s face when she is displaying a sinful attitude toward sex it will kill your sexual pleasure and may actually make it much more difficult for you to achieve the physical connection and release that you need. Again you know you want that emotional connection too, but your wife is the one who is in sinful rebellion against God’s design for sex in your marriage and is refusing to emotionally connect with you.

Conclusion

It is sad that any husband ever has to do this. This is not what God intended sex to be. But we live in a sin cursed world – we are sinners and so are our wives. Sometimes we have to work around the sinful behavior of our wives and this will be one of those times.

Yes this a way to cope with and deal with your wife’s sin but at the same time keep sex happening in your marriage. But don’t stop trying to work with your wife outside the bedroom, and remember to pray for your wife every day that God will work in her heart and change her wrong attitude toward his wonderful gift of sex.

71 thoughts on “How a husband can enjoy sex that is grudgingly given by his wife

  1. I liked reading this post earlier, but wow! It is just really sad to me that some husbands have to go through something like this… where the only option is to be in a sexless marriage, or to have to ignore his wife’s displeasure with begrudging sex.

    I’ve heard men complain about that too… or about “star fish” sex as they call it in the Red Pill world – where a woman just lays there like a star fish, unenthusiastic, not enjoying it, etc. It’s actually more common than you’d think (and I’m sure you know this). And yes, it’s a marriage relationship killer.

    It’s just sad to me that men in this situation only have bad options.

  2. Dragonfly,

    I have never heard of “star fish” sex – but that is a perfect analogy! I will have to add that to my sexual vocabulary.

    Unfortunately as you know(I think I have shared that with my audience, maybe not) I am one of those men who experiences “star fish” sex on a pretty regular basis. I am one of those many men out there that faces the two bad options you speak of on a daily and weekly basis.

    This is one of the main reasons my blog in anonymous. I would not feel right talking about these intimate details of our marriage otherwise.

    As I previously stated when I told my story in more detail in “Stories of Sexual Denial Episode 6” https://biblicalgenderroles.com/2015/09/11/stories-of-sexual-denial-in-marriage-episode-6/ I used to get sexually denied by my wife. Then after following those steps I gave and meeting with my Pastor and his wife she finally changed on that and she no longer gives me a flat no unless there is a true medical issue. But she still does grudgingly have sex from time to time. More often than not while it may not be obviously grudging sex it is a very “disinterested” type of sex where she wants no foreplay but just wants to get “the deed” done.

    The sources of her sexual issues are many. Before she had her car accident a few years ago she worked as a nurse and her life was wrapped up in her career(even though she had committed to me and my kids as her step kids). She had very little energy left for our marriage after her job and as I previously stated she confessed to me not long after we were married that she had little interest in sex, that it was not me – that it was her.

    She thought I should be fine with that, after all it was a second marriage for both of us and we were in our mid 30’s and people don’t really care as much about sex in their mid-30s right? Even before the car accident she had struggled with gastro intestinal issues and other health issues. Then when she had the car crash and became disabled I took care of her and nursed her back to health but now we had a new problem – depression and anxiety as a result of her disability. I say all that to say that on any given day of the week my wife could could have any of these issues that make her have less than zero interest in sex:

    1. She never thought sex was very important by her own admission right after we were married.
    2. She may be constipated.
    3. She may have a headache(did I mention she has migraine headaches)?
    4. She may be depressed or have anxiety.

    I would say about 5 times a year every thing is right, the stars align and she really enjoys and is into sex – the full treatment(oral sex and all). The rest of the year while she does not flat deny me I get what you call “star fish” sex or a slight variation of that.

    I say all that to say a lot of what I write on this blog is from the perspective of a husband who lives with a sexually dysfunctional wife.

    I realize my critics will try and blame all my wife’s issues on my belief in headship and how I lead in our marriage. But I can tell you that my wife’s sister who is a believer in Christ would tell you otherwise. She would tell you her sister had many of these issues coming into our marriage and I was not the cause of them. I just didn’t know it till after we were married.

  3. Oh my gosh BGR, I’m so sorry. 😦

    Life is so complicated and difficult. It’s amazing you’ve used the trials you’ve been through to help so many people or to counsel them through their own struggles. You’re doing a wonderful job, and I can tell you’ve helped so many (and I’m sure you’ve done even more privately). Just want to encourage you.

  4. Thank you DragonFly.

    I can honestly say before the Lord that I hold no bitterness toward my wife now. I did for a while after we were first married. But then the Lord reminded me that one sin never justifies another. And being bitter at someone is like taking poison expecting the other person to die. The Lord has used this trial with my second wife and her sexual dysfunctionality in the same way he used my first wife’s adulterous affairs. We can either come through these trials learning what God wants us to and growing from them or we can become bitter and useless to God.

    I choose the former in both trials. God used my divorce to help other men and I became friends with several men from my divorce support group and eventually one of them accepted Christ as his savior through my witness to him. Literally that man may have never came to Christ if he and I did not share the common bond of our wives both cheating on us. God can use anything for his good, if we let him.

    I am thankful to God how many lives he has allowed me to touch through this ministry. I pray it will be many more. My experiences with both my first and second wife have allowed me a perspective that some men could never truly know(if they have a wife that fully embraced her Biblical role as a wife) and it helps me to be able to come along side of men that struggle with these issues of sexual dysfunctionality, infidelity or just plain lack of submission and be able to truly tell them “brother I have walked in your shoes, God can be there for you if you let him”.

    A lot of why I do this as well is for my own 4 sons. I have 5 children(4 sons and a daughter) and I am very close with all of them. I want them to have happy fulfilling marriages and despite the issues I have faced in both my marriages I still believe that God’s way works and that marriage is still a gift God has given us. I do not teach my son’s to think less of women or be bitter at women because of issues I have faced in both my first and second marriages. I am teaching my sons what to look for a in Biblical wife, and my daughter what to look for in Biblical husband. But I also teach them that even if they do their best to vet their future spouse, there will always be adversity in marriage and God has given us a plan for how to face it.

    Thank you for your encouragement.

  5. @BGR,

    Sorry for your situation. That is rough.

    Is your wife’s depression related to the loss, or perceived loss, of her career?

  6. bee,

    Yes a big part, but not all of it is from the loss of her career. She saw all or most of her value in her being a nurse and having a career. Some of the depression and anxiety also comes from the chronic pain(neck and back) that she still suffers from and has to get treatments for as a result of the car accident a few years ago.

  7. I understand that it is a combination of all these factors.

    My wife has struggled with depression and some of it has been emotional conflict about being a career girl versus being my helpmeet. She was raised by feminist parents which encouraged her to be nothing but a career girl. They even discouraged her from having children. For the first 18 years of our marriage I was her helpmeet and she used her freed up time to pursue her career. But, she was not happy. Four years ago she started shifting towards being a helpmeet and doing more at home. It has been a gradual shift. For the first time in my life I feel like I actually have a helpmeet whom is trying to help me.

  8. Bee,

    It is a blessing when women see that careers will not offer them the fulfillment the world tells them. Some women never see it(being blinded by their own selfish ambitions) but it is great when some do. Thank God for that in your wife. The depression your wife faces is because of the pressure of her upbringing and the world around her. Her parents and the world taught her that her greatest value was in her career. God says her greatest value is being a helpmeet to you. I pray that some day God will resolve this conflict in her and give her peace.

    Larry

  9. BGR,

    You are very gracious. I would actually fall into one of your case studies, as my wife rejected me thousands of times over a 14 yr period. She was convicted, but still refused on many occasions. Now her refusals are just not making herself available.

    We have done several counseling sessions with pastors etc. She states that when she wants to the sex is the best she’s ever had with anyone. This is saying a lot considering she was very promiscuous before we met. I wish I would have known, I wouldn’t have married her.

    Now she gives sex when I want. As you have stated she is like a starfish, so I just go from behind, that way I don’t have to see her.

    The redpill awareness has become very very very very true in our marriage now. The less time I spend really paying attention to her, the more I do what I want and less home chores I do, the better she treats me. Am I mean? Absolutely NOT! I love her and I am committed, but if she is disrespectful I take away affection. If she is unsubmissive, I do not sit and listen to her blab on about her friends and day.

    I use to do EXACTLY as she asked. I even had to show her how to change diapers when our first child was born. I had to teach her how to bath her etc. She didn’t even know how to do laundry! When she started refusing, she would say do this or that and I will have sex. So yeah, I had to earn it. Funny thing is I found 1 date per week, letting her have girls lunches, doing the cooking, cleaning, laundry, watching the kids, made it worse not better.

    Now I do not buy her things, I do not take her on dates, she gets socks for xmas. I am the breadwinner, she is SAHM. I own a few businesses so we always have cash flowing around. She use to take care of it. I took that away from her.

    She complains, but for some reason she seems to snicker and likes the fact that I am the one in control. When I want passionate sex, I just take much longer with foreplay and she is swept away….

    One question for the ladies:
    What do you bring to the table so to speak when you get married?

    I can cook better than my wife. I can clean better than my wife. I handle our teenagers better than my wife. I can manage the home if need be. I can shop way cheaper with just as good of quality. What does she provide me? I have better conversations with guys than her. I do not feel the need to cuddle… ever. So what does she have that I cannot have on my own?

    I am not mean or abusive. If anything I was abused so badly by my wife for years that I have a difficult time thinking that I am anything but a paycheck to her. Take all the emotion you have reading this and tell me what she provides in the marriage? If she does not provide anything why are we married?

    If a wife doesn’t feeeeeeel like having sex, what if the husband didn’t feeeeel like letting her live in his house?

    The problem with women these days is feminism. It’s all about feeling. If sex is mundane and on the level of doing dishes, do you just love doing dishes. You do them or they pile up and it’s disgusting. What if husband didn’t feeeeel like working 5 out of 7 days per week?

    My wife told my son that when he is married and his wife is tired, he should do the dishes that night. I told him right then that yes he should do them and if he is tired the next day she can go to work for him. My wife just stared at me for about 10 seconds… it hit her how ridiculous her statement was considering how easy dishes are when you think of a guy slaving away 10 hours per day to provide for her.

    You husband SACRIFICES his time and his RELATIONSHIPS with his kids/family to provide. He is not your helpmeet that gets shamed because he doesn’t have as close a relationship with your kids as you.

    What was that one thing she provides? SEX. Chronic fatigue, fibromyalgia, past abuse is absolutely NO EXCUSE! Does he have an aversion to work because his dad made him build a dog house when he was 8? Grow up.

  10. Hugo,

    I am truly sorry to hear of the situation with your wife.

    I am familiar with Rollo and the Red Pill teachings. While some of the things he points out about feminism and the way men are treated by women, or the way men should act with women might be true – I don’t always agree with his conclusions or methods.

    I believe as Christian men we have to guard ourselves against growing bitter toward women in general, and our wives in particular. We should hate the sin, not the sinner. I hate feminism and its wicked ideals because it directly conflicts with God’s design of men and women his institution of marriage. But I can readily acknowledge that while I hate feminism, I do not hate women.

    The Bible tells us that the husband/wife relationship is supposed to be a model of the relationship of God to his people, or more specifically Christ and his Church. That means just as God leads, protects, provides for, teaches and yes sometimes disciplines he people we as Christian husbands are called to do these things toward our wives. All of those actions make up the love God has for his people, and those actions should make up the love we have for our wives. But God is also gracious and merciful to his people, as Christ is gracious and merciful to his Church.

    Grace means the unmerited favor of God – it is when God give us things we don’t deserve. Mercy is not giving us the punishment we deserve. As husbands we ought to be gracious and merciful toward our wives in the same God is gracious and merciful toward his people.

    How that translates into real life marriage is. Yes maybe my wife may be acting nasty or mean or one day, but based on the circumstances I decided to be merciful to her and not saying anything. Maybe I feel my wife has not been keeping the house well, or not cooking(so we have to get take out or I have to cook more when I get home), maybe she has been “phoning it in” in the bedroom – but I still buy her a nice birthday present, or a nice Christmas present. Was it always because I thought she earned it by how she was acting toward me as my wife? No. But it is grace my friend. It is unmerited favor. If God extends that to us as his people, then we need to extend that to our wives as well.

    Now having said all that. I agree with the red pill ideology in the sense that men should not follow their wives around like puppy dogs hanging on their every wish and word. This reverses the man/helpmeet or master/servant design that marriage is to model. This is not to say that we as husbands should not serve our wives and humble ourselves as Christ washed his apostles feet.

    But did Christ spend his ministry washing people’s feet and serving tables? No sir. He spent the majority of his time leading and preaching the Word of God. He spent the majority of his time about his mission. We as Christian men should be no different.

    We also should NOT be spending our time trying to buy our wives affection and love, or making our happiness dependent on her happiness. Our joy should be found in serving the Lord and doing what he designed us to do as men. We are built as men to lead, explore, build and make our way in the world all while loving our families by leading them, protecting them and providing for them.

  11. BGR… this “man” hugo stiglitz is possibly a fraud. He’s written about you and about your commenters here in a very negative way over at Dalrock’s… just thought you should know, he may not be who he says he is here. He may be trying to just distract you or see what you’ll say if he says something ridiculous.

  12. Interesting comment by Hugo. I wouldn’t call what I do “fawning” but I simply want to encourage Christian women bloggers who stand against feminism – even if sometimes they do it inconsistently at times. Insanity and I don’t always agree, I know Kathy and I don’t always agree and I don’t remember but maybe you and I don’t always agree. But its not that we perfectly agree, but that we agree in the main that feminism is not healthy for marriage and it goes against God’s Word. We may disagree on the finer points and all its impacts but that is ok with me.

    As far as Hugo goes, I may not be pure enough for him(or naive in his view for how I treat you and Insanity with respect) but he and his imperfections are ok with me until I see something from here that changes my mind.

    But thanks for pointing out the comment – I got a good chuckle out of it.

  13. LOL Go right ahead, I make it a point to be an open book “jeff.”

    BGR has a right to know when someone is talking negatively about him and then trying to sound or look nice here on his blog. It’s just disgusting lack of integrity.

  14. While I might not endorse overt Dread for Christian men…
    http://therationalmale.com/2012/03/27/dread-games/

    I would advise they become more aware of the opportunities that passive Dread represents in their marriages:
    http://therationalmale.com/2013/05/13/soft-dread/

    Most Beta Christian men (which is to say 90%+) will proactively try to diffuse the sexual anxiety and tension necessary to inspire the ‘desired’ sex you describe here. They believe the pro-feminine lie that rapport, comfort and familiarity is what leads to sexual desire so they make every attempt to convince their wives that they have no need to worry or feel insecure that any other woman would want them sexually, much less appreciate them for being ‘good christian men’.

    What they fail to grasp is that passionate sex inspired by genuine desire is the result of insecurity, anxiety and sexual tension. Most Christian men are conditioned to bypass this phase in seducing their wives, thinking that comfort and security are what will prompt her to being more sexual, but in doing so they kill the vibe before it can build. Comfort and rapport are post-orgasm, oxytocin effects, but Christian men believe they are prerequisites for sex. For the most part they are deathly afraid to embrace and exaggerate the uncertainty, spontaneity, anxiety and tension women need to feel sexual urgency.

    You make sex another chore for a woman when you negotiate for her desire. Genuine desire cannot be negotiated. If you find yourself in a sexless (or passionless sex) relationship with your wife you need to embrace using soft dread situations to prompt her imagination. A woman’s imaginings are the best tool in you seduction toolbox, learn how to inspire them.

    Make your wife unintentionally uncomfortable. Sexuality is spontaneous chemical reaction between two parties, not a process of negotiation. By its very nature passionate, desired sex is a result of being uncomfortable, uncertain and urgent. It might be an uncomfortable truth to most Christian men, but the best, most memorable, married sex you have wont be the result of a pre-planned “Date Night” where you stage manage every event and nuance in advance; it will be the rough, hard-core, make-up sex you never thought you’d have after a near breakup inspired by the anxiety of the thought of never having you around anymore.

  15. BGR,

    I just married the most beautiful, sweet woman. Before I married my wife, I knew that she experienced a difficult life in the foster care system and I knew those difficulties involved sexual assault and rape. My wife and I live a godly life and we did not have sexual relations before marriage, but since our marriage it has been difficult for us to be intimate. I do not want my wife to fear me in the bedroom, but it seems that she is truly terrified of sex. Her fear completely kills my arousal. We, of course, have consummated our union but I would like to have a healthy sexual relationship with my wife.

    Should we consult our pastor? She seems to think that she can handle her issues on her own but she hasn’t gotten over her fears in the time frame that she thought she would and it is causing tension in our marriage.

  16. Scotty,

    Definitely see your Pastor. I think if it is possible it would be really good for your wife to have some private sessions with your Pastor’s wife so they can talk woman to woman. If that does not work you may have to seriously consider a sex therapist to help her through these issues. This can cause great tension in any marriage. There are counselors who specialize in helping women who have been sexually abused make their way to normal sex life. Your pastor may be able to refer to such a person.

    But the one thing your don’t want to do, is try to fix this on your own. Seek outside help. While I do not believe men should tolerate sexual refusal, I do think there are special circumstances like this where you wife was horribly sexually abused and you need to pray for patience and get her that help. Now if she simply refuses over a long length of time to get help and accept it you may have to take different steps. For now take the gentle and patient approach – give her time.

  17. Goodness! I stand by what I said though – it IS sad, and it’s not how God intended it to be… for both of them.

    Wow, BGR, you’re really taking some heat for your blog.

  18. I find myself in a similar position, though it is my husband who I have to persuade to have sex with me. Would you recommend these tips to women with there husbands who are reluctant to have sex as well? Or is a different approach required?

  19. Katherine,

    Yes I would recommend these tips to women as well. If your husband consents but grudgingly and has a nasty look on his face then by all means look away or perhaps turn the lights off when you have sex. Biblically speaking you as a wife have the right to pursue sexual relations with your husband in the same way he has a right to pursue relations with you. Of course he must consent first, just as a wife must consent first. But sometimes people consent to do the right thing, but with the wrong attitude.

    As I said in the post – it is sad that any man ever has to have sex with his wife and not look at her face because she grudgingly consented. It is the same for you as a wife, it is very said that your husband has a bad attitude toward sex.

    I wrote these other posts for women who are facing lack of desire from their husbands and you may find them helpful.

    https://biblicalgenderroles.com/2015/09/16/12-reasons-your-husband-may-not-want-to-have-sex-with-you/
    https://biblicalgenderroles.com/2015/09/16/4-steps-to-confronting-your-husbands-sexual-refusal/

  20. While I agree that Sex is a very important part of every marriage, I feel that what you are proposing here is just putting a band aid on a way deeper problem. If sex is not happening because the wife (or husband) is not interested then there may be a lack of a deep emotional connection, forcing sex will not fix that problem.

    I just finished reading the book “The 5 love languages” by Gary Chapman and I feel that book has great insight on repairing that emotional connection in any relationship. Once that connection is repaired and love returns between the spouses then the sex part will just fall into place and it keeps happening because both people want to have it, or that was my experience with my wife.

    Forcing sex might help with the sexual desire, but that’s a temporary emotion. If we are honest with ourselves we would realize that what we really want is to have a good emotional connection with our spouses, and if we can have that both partners will feel loved, will be happy and will be sexually active.

    I understand it’s not a quick fix to the problem and it will require people to work in their relationships anywhere from a few weeks to a few months, but restoring that connection the right way will result in an awesome and happy marriage for the rest of your lives… so I would consider it a great investment 🙂

    Just my 2 cents.

  21. Hey Larry… Not to be crass or anything…but…another possible win-win scenario is for the couple to do Doggy style or reverse cowgirl…right?

    Not as intimate…possibly…but…you all know what I mean.

  22. I agree those are good suggestions. But I think you would have to know ahead of time that she was going to have a bad attitude. Sometimes you just don’t know till you get started and a husband should try and see if he can get his wife into it. If he can’t seem to get through to her then changing to a rear entry or facing away position could also help.

  23. I have a slightly different take on this. My wife was brought up in a very conservative christian home and went to a christian school where she took “christian womanhood” courses. She learned it was not okay to deny her husband sex and doing so could lead to a man becoming gay, having affairs ect…Then they proceeded to teach her how to hide her own sexuality, shaming women who painted their nails or wore bright colors. They taught her that she was basically supposed to wear a potato sack and even parting her hair on the side instead of down the middle was the mark of a harlot.

    She came to our marriage completely inexperienced. I am not proud of the fact that I was experienced, but I confessed this to her before we married. She was absolutely mortified on our wedding night, The idea of taking her clothes off in front of me made her physically shake.We were well into our honeymoon before I got her to relax enough that I could pleasure her but afterwards she cried for at least an hour in shame.

    The church had taught her her duty as a wife, taught her about a man’s desire but taught her nothing about her own sexuality other than it was shameful. I had to teach her that our relations were a gift from God for both of us and that it was okay for her to enjoy sex. I had to move her away from the idea that sex was her duty and men were the sexual ones.

    I taught her that her body was beautiful to me and that she did not need to hide it from me. I taught her that it was okay for her to feel aroused and to want sex, but I had to help her overcome the vitriol that she had learned from what I would call some ignorant men and very prudish women in her church. I am a big believer in the marriage bed being undefiled, but I had to make it a very safe place for her at first.

    We are going on ten years now and we had a slight blip after our first child was born because the idea of being a Mother and a sexual being took her some time to integrate. That and she was worried about the changes to her body and she was nursing and basically was worried I would not be attracted to her. It was resolved within the first three months though once I convinced her that I thought her Mommy curves were gorgeous and how watching her top notch maternal skills made her even more attractive to me.

    I would never withhold finances from her for lack of sex, that would be like treating her as a prostitute rather than my wife. I believe that sex is a garden and you reap what you sow. I have a dominate personality type and that extends to the bedroom, but I enjoy the sowing, creating the sexual tension, saying the things to her that will make her anticipate our time together and putting that spark in her eyes.

    I enjoy seducing my wife. I cringe at the thought of settling for anything less than a responsive lover, however, I believe it is my responsibility as the man of the house to set the tone for our lovemaking. It takes more than flowers and good listening skills. It requires sexual knowledge, flexibility and ingenuity. I think the church often fails to teach men the skills needed to maintain a great sex life and fails to teach women to embrace their sexuality.

  24. Been married two years and we are both Christian. Our marriage is good, outside the bedroom. We have no children. My wife consented to sex once in the last year and that was six months ago. She refuses any kind of counseling. We abstained prior to marriage and from the first day of our marriage, she has always avoided sex and never enjoyed it.

    I came to the “end of my rope” this morning and after trying to be affectionate, asked her how long I need to wait. Her reply was that she never wants to have sex, ever. I told her, that was not an acceptable answer and something would have to be done. She then removed her clothes and lay on the bed, stiff as a board. She told me that it was her duty to submit and that I should make it quick and get it over fast. I backed off but after she got dressed,she kept telling me how I had my chance and I should not complain. She then gave me another chance and I took the offer. She was in a rage for the next two hours but the release felt good to me and it was something that I needed. I expect this to emerge as a pattern in our future.

    I will always look to please her in and out of the bedroom, but if she refuses pleasure, I see no alternative. I will not engage in porn, adultery or anything sinful. I will not divorce her. Our marriage is good, outside the bedroom. I expect this to persist until, Lord willing, someday she may soften and accept the sexual pleasure and fulfillment that I will always offer.

  25. Sean,

    That is a great story with how you loved your wife and helped her to be comfortable with her own sexuality. I agree 100% that is a problem in many Churches today.

    They often teach only one part of the Biblical truth about sexuality. Yes Biblically speaking sex is a duty in marriage – that is undeniable. However our sexuality is also a gift to us from God. That is something that is woefully missing in Churches and women are often shamed for even thinking they would like sex.

    But I would be careful making such a sweeping statement like “I would never withhold finances from her for lack of sex, that would be like treating her as a prostitute rather than my wife.” You described a few months after the birth of your child her having issues(which is fairly common for many women) and husbands need to be patient with that. We are not talking about wives occasionally denying their husbands or because of after child birth issues(whether they be psychological or physiological issues).

    But when you face a wife that simply comes out and dictates to you – not because of reasons you have described, that she will only have sex once a month(as I have heard many stories of from different men) and that is it. She won’t budge she won’t change no matter what. You have to take actions. And no its not treating your wife like a prostitute, is confronting sinful behavior with consequences.

    Some women just require a little talking to, a little time and they are good to go. That is wonderful and if you have a wife like that than thank God. Some wives may have been like yours that took a little mental reconditioning and time – but she was not willfully trying to reject you, she just had to overcome some wrong thinking about sex. I am all for men going to counseling and doing everything they can to help such a wife. But what happens when you have a wife that after counselor tells her she is wrong – refuses to listen? Instead she dictates to the counselor and her husband what she will and will not do? This calls for other measures.

  26. I believe that it is the man’s responsibility to lead in all things, including sex and that leadership is often difficult. Leadership means taking responsibility for failures. It means fixing things that are broken in our families. I do believe that the men you quoted in your posts and those commenting here genuinely believe they have done everything they can and their wives are to blame. But that is having our cake and eating it too. We cannot claim the title of head of the household and then point the finger at our wife she does not respond the way we think she should.

    Something I have witnessed in church and in the workplace among my male friends is a certain rigidity. There is this list of basics, if I do the dishes and bring her flowers I should get sex. I never do the dishes to get sex, I only do dishes if she is snoring on the couch after taking care of a sick family for 48 hours straight and she can’t move. I maybe get her flowers once every few years.

    I honestly think, after looking over this website and a few of the other sites addressing this subject, that this is a problem that is unintentionally being exasperated by us in these relationships.

    Don’t do the dishes (except in the case of necessity due to illness or extreme circumstances). Do come dashing out the door and take the grocery bags from her hands and tell her you will get the rest while she puts them away. Don’t do laundry, but if you see her going down the stairs with a heavy load, take it from her and carry it down. Fill her car up with gas. Don’t wait for her to be all dressed up for an outing, tell her she is beautiful when she has dark circles under her eyes and is wearing sweatpants and hasn’t washed her hair for three days.

    I believe you were onto something here when you talked about men being pushed around by overpowering women but I think it is the weakness of men that causes this to happen. I think feminism has clouded the issue as much for men as much as for women.

    Women are not going to give you big props for doing a load of dishes. They can do it faster and better than we can. Unless their work is stacked and there are extreme circumstances going on that prevent them from getting to their daily tasks, doing the dinner dishes is not going to be a big deal for them. Entertain the kids for an hour and make them joyously happy and she will worship the ground you walk on. Women love a joyful home. Really.

    Men need to be men, we are the strength in the relationship.We need to be the hero. We should not be puppy dogs, we need to be watch dogs. We need to be protective of our wives and respectful to them. A leader who alienates his family is not a real leader.

    Some of the comments made by the men here are self explanatory, it is no wonder why their wives do not want to lie with them. One of the commenters here seemed to take pride in being repulsive to his wife. Respect your wife, make her feel beautiful, desirable. Please her in bed, not with chores. Be her knight in shining armour. Take care of her, adore her. Don’t make her fear you, make her trust you.

    My wife gave me a hint tonight that Grandma is taking is staying with the kids after trick or treating is done tomorrow. It involves a hotel room with a hot tub and a costume for my eyes only. We have an active, exciting love life because I have made it a priority. She has access to our finances to make this happen.

    I would never take my wife if she begrudged it. I have always believed in taking advice from people who have achieved what I want, in this case a successful, satisfying love life. I would caution people to not take advice from those who have not achieved this. Taking her when she is not willing will not repair the relationship, it will only cause more damage.

    It is not natural to have an adverse sexual relationship. Maybe for 1% of the people complaining, there is a bonafide reason, statistically speaking, be it due to medical or mental illness. I believe wholeheartedly that the rest of the difficulties could be overcome with a willingness to accept the possibility that there is something else we as men could do to lead the relationship in a better, more satisfying direction, other than looking away from our beloved’s face as she does her duty.

    I say these things in brotherly love and with no disrespect.

  27. Sean,

    Your Statement:

    “I do believe that the men you quoted in your posts and those commenting here genuinely believe they have done everything they can and their wives are to blame. But that is having our cake and eating it too. We cannot claim the title of head of the household and then point the finger at our wife she does not respond the way we think she should…

    It is not natural to have an adverse sexual relationship. Maybe for 1% of the people complaining, there is a bonafide reason, statistically speaking, be it due to medical or mental illness. I believe wholeheartedly that the rest of the difficulties could be overcome with a willingness to accept the possibility that there is something else we as men could do to lead the relationship in a better, more satisfying direction, other than looking away from our beloved’s face as she does her duty.”

    Sean – let me first say that I respect the tone of your disagreement which is very rare in these kinds of discussions.
    Secondly let me assure you I do not necessarily agree wholeheartedly, or even at all with some comments that I allow to be posted here. Sometimes I respond to my differences sometimes I just leave them out there for others to respond to.

    I agree with many of the suggestions you have made here and I have made similar suggestions to men in emails. I have talked to men about knowing their wives and honoring their wives. I will concede to you that there are many marriages that if men would simply sit down and actually talk to their wives instead of ignoring them things in the sexual part would get better. There are many marriages if men would simply start to lead and do some of the things your say things would get better.

    Before I ask you some questions – I will say right off the bat that based on my own discussions with friends who are Pastors as well as my own experience with emails I received here and stories I have heard I must respectfully disagree with your 1% theory even about mental illness or medical conditions. There are far more wives out there that suffer from chronic medical conditions and mental illness than 1%.

    But leaving the sexually dysfunctional relationships that are caused by medical conditions and mental illness we still have a great deal of sexual dysfunction caused by how some people are raised in their family or churches – that is something you said you had to help your wife with.

    But you seem to ignore the existence of other types of wives and here are my questions for you.

    1. Do you believe in the existence of wives who will refuse to go to counseling and wives who dictate that sex will only occur at “these times” and in “these ways”?
    2. Do you believe in the existence of “friend wives”? These are women who simply want to be friends with their husbands and enjoy the benefits of companionship without the need for that “messy sex stuff”.
    3. Do you believe in the existence of sexually controlling wives? This would be a wife that freely gives sex to her husband as long he hands over the leadership of the home to her. The moment he opposes her in any fashion she turns off the sexual tap.

    Are these kinds of women a myth? Are they just legends that bad husbands make up?

    Again as I said earlier I will concede that sometimes there is more the husband can do, or things he has not been doing right. But do you believe these other kinds of wives I described are just myths?

    That truly 99% of the time it is the husbands fault that the relationship is bad and if he just tried to lead his wife she would just fall in line and they would have this great relationship and life?

  28. I find the idea bizarre, that any man would allow this to happen. I guess maybe I just don’t get it, because I do get it, whenever I want. I can come home from work on a lunch break,shut and lock the bedroom door and order my wife to take her clothes off and she does it with a grin. She loves it that I want her, even if it is just a quickie for my pleasure. I make sure she knows how much I want her and how beautiful I think she is and I honestly can say that is the number one priority for keeping her interested in sex.

    What is hard is staying out of a rut because that is easy for men to do and women require more stimulation and changes in context to be sexually fulfilled. I know a lot of men that no doubt bore their wives in bed and that I am sure leads to obligatory sex.

    The rest seems freakishly weird to me. If a woman is only having sex if her husband hands over the leadership role, she is not really getting her needs met and that is obligatory sex. Why would a man allow that to happen? I guess it just seems to me men are more to blame than the women because they failed to assert their role of authority from the get go. Somebody has to step up to the plate, if the man doesn’t do it he is pretty much asking his wife to.

    My wife was terrified on our wedding night, but refusal was not on the table. I made it clear we were going to have sex and a lot of it. I also promised her she would learn to love it. I had her trust before I put the ring on her finger, My position in our relationship was established before we walked down the aisle.

    I love my wife, I adore my wife, I would die for her, I provide her with anything she needs, I protect her and keep her safe and I move mountains to ensure her happiness. She has fun planning special things for me from time to time, but I call the shots in the bedroom.

    I honestly do not understand how a man could allow a sexless marriage to happen. It seems to me withholding stuff is manipulative and weak, I would be issuing an ultimatum and probably throwing her over my shoulder and dumping her on a therapist’s couch if I were any of these guys. I believe in being direct.

    A sexless marriage is not a marriage and if she adamantly refused to participate, I would make it crystal clear that she is the one choosing to end the marriage. I could walk away without guilt even if I was the one who filed because if my wife did not want to make love with me, she would have already divorced me in her heart. Putting it on paper is just a formality.

  29. Sean,

    Your statement:

    “The rest seems freakishly weird to me. If a woman is only having sex if her husband hands over the leadership role, she is not really getting her needs met and that is obligatory sex. Why would a man allow that to happen? I guess it just seems to me men are more to blame than the women because they failed to assert their role of authority from the get go. Somebody has to step up to the plate, if the man doesn’t do it he is pretty much asking his wife to.

    My wife was terrified on our wedding night, but refusal was not on the table. I made it clear we were going to have sex and a lot of it. I also promised her she would learn to love it. I had her trust before I put the ring on her finger, My position in our relationship was established before we walked down the aisle.

    I love my wife, I adore my wife, I would die for her, I provide her with anything she needs, I protect her and keep her safe and I move mountains to ensure her happiness. She has fun planning special things for me from time to time, but I call the shots in the bedroom.

    I honestly do not understand how a man could allow a sexless marriage to happen. It seems to me withholding stuff is manipulative and weak, I would be issuing an ultimatum and probably throwing her over my shoulder and dumping her on a therapist’s couch if I were any of these guys. I believe in being direct.

    A sexless marriage is not a marriage and if she adamantly refused to participate, I would make it crystal clear that she is the one choosing to end the marriage. I could walk away without guilt even if I was the one who filed because if my wife did not want to make love with me, she would have already divorced me in her heart. Putting it on paper is just a formality.”

    I think you and I are on the same page. I agree with you 100% that men to be need to be asserting their God given authority and talk to their potential wives about what marriage with them will look like long before wedding vows are taken. This is also why pre-marital counseling is SO important. Our Pastor will not marry couples without them first having several premarital counseling sessions and sexual expectations are included in those sessions.

    But men are sometimes sinful in their weakness to lead, and women are sometimes sinful in their unwillingness to follow. So while we have to warn young people to be prepared for marriage, and to thoroughly vet their potential mates, some people make this mistake and do not. As believers, and as the church we must deal with the sinful consequences of both and realize these kinds of dysfunctional marriages exist.

    I agree with you that in such a case we need to get our wife to a counselor, and if that does not work bring her to our Pastor. You are right that if she refuses both a counselor and your Pastor and perhaps some other things like showing her what it will be like financially and reminding her of how custody of the children will be split between you with some women this will shake them out of their rebellion. With some it will not and the marriage unfortunately has to end.

  30. Jose,

    Your statement:

    “While I agree that Sex is a very important part of every marriage, I feel that what you are proposing here is just putting a band aid on a way deeper problem. If sex is not happening because the wife (or husband) is not interested then there may be a lack of a deep emotional connection, forcing sex will not fix that problem.

    I just finished reading the book “The 5 love languages” by Gary Chapman and I feel that book has great insight on repairing that emotional connection in any relationship. Once that connection is repaired and love returns between the spouses then the sex part will just fall into place and it keeps happening because both people want to have it, or that was my experience with my wife.”

    I wouldn’t call it a band aid, rather I would call what I have offered here an “ankle brace” to sexually dysfunctional situation. Some people have problem ankles. My wife is one them. She has had two surgeries,one on each ankle. But sometimes when people have bad ankles and those ankles act up they have to temporarily where an ankle brace so they can at least get around. Then when the ankle feels better they can take it off.

    It works the same in marriage, sometimes the feelings are not all there and even a wife with a healthy view of sex just may not be into it. Other times a wife will grudgingly give sex to her husband because she knows it is her duty(which is the exact case we are addressing here in this post). In either case, sometimes we have to put on our ankle brace here to keep sex going in the marriage.

    I read Gary Chapman’s book “The 5 love languages” as you did and I think it has some good truths in it. But sometimes the truths in that book can be abused to make women think that if their husband does not do everything that is their love language the way she wants it that he does not love her. We also have to be flexible and sometimes accept love from our spouses in the way they give it.

    But regardless of the 5 love languages concept – sex is a requirement in marriage. Sometimes we will feel like it and sometimes we will not, but it must happen regardless. We can work on trying to make it more pleasant for one another and trying to remove some of the stresses that get in the way.

    This statement is simply not true for all marriages:

    “Once that connection is repaired and love returns between the spouses then the sex part will just fall into place”.

    I can tell you first hand from my marriage as well as from numerous men that have written me and other Pastors I know that have counseled people that this simply is not always true. There are many women that can feel very emotionally connected to their husbands at various points, and at those exact times of connection feel absolutely no need to have sex. They are perfectly fine with having a great friendship and emotional connections and talking with their husbands but as soon as sex is mentioned – that smile and connection can go away depending on where her mind is.

    Yes – we as husbands want to emotionally connect with our wives. Some days it just clicks, and other days there is no way we are going to break through her emotional fog. It is good to understand how our wife feels loved and to “know her” as God would have us to.

    But we must be careful of allowing our wives to believe that we have to earn sex with them by doing various things for them or by letting them think that their feelings are the determination of whether or not we have sex at any given time.

  31. BGR

    Warning: what follows is a verbose, blubbering, whiny tale of a beta’s misfortune and malfeasance. Read at your own risk and don’t say I didn’t warn you!

    You write on an issue that is a very present and painful agony in my life. I too know well the pain of sexual rejection; it is my constant companion that accompanies me like my shadow. It brings with it many bitter fruits. In my case my wife said that she did not want to have sex with me, because she did not respect me (she just could not have sex with a man she did not respect). That was over 25 years ago and the situation has not really improved.

    Back then I, thinking of myself as a Christian man of honor and valor convinced myself of three things: 1) That I was called to love my wife no matter what; better or worse till death. 2) Suffering was often a part of love. That to take up my cross daily and that being rejected and despised was simply my sharing in the fellowship with the suffering of Christ, which He did out of love for His bride. So if Christ suffered for a church that would not honor Him or worship Him in Spirit and truth, then I could suffer for my bride who would not respond to me sexually or give me due honor and respect. So I recommitted to love my wife, even when she was unlovely, to be patient, caring and helpful, hoping that she would repent if I gave her time and space. 3) I would honor my vows unto death and that meant I would not be a rapist nor a beggar for sex, I would neither abandon my wife by divorce nor have an adulterous affair, so I was left with either a life as a eunuch or finding sexual release on my own, alone. I chose the later and found that the use of visual aids were helpful. Mind you, if my wife responded to my overtures positively, she was my only sexual object, and she had all of my love and attention, but if she did not desire me, then I granted to her, her wish and I discretely found release and pleasure on my own.

    I struggled with the accusation that visual aids were the same thing as adultery. I was concerned at the thought of the deceitfulness of my own heart in the matter, but I reasoned that my use was not to covet another women, but to remain with the woman I married. Still, the continuous outcry by the Christian community against porn had my spirit often vexed and confused. The church was screaming condemnations against male sexuality and porn while welcoming divorce and mute on defrauding. Women were viewed as holy and men as sinners, I knew if I went to the church to help my marriage, they would fail miserably to correct my wife and most likely point her to the path of divorce.

    We would have sex a few times a year (2-6) and as a result I have five children. But as she got wind of my porn use and she became even more bitter toward me. I was/ am confounded about her anger of my porn use, she didn’t want sex with me, but she also did not want me to have a sex-drive. I believe that it was her desire to control me and control my desires, that provoked her to scorn me and despise me even more.

    On the rare occasions we would have sex, I judged that she was “sand-bagging”. I believe she was intentionally making it as bad as she could so I would cease my overtures, while avoiding the charge of totally defrauding me. She resisted my attempts at foreplay, she would not touch me below the navel, would not kiss back etc. It seemed that her approach was “get on – get off -and get off —and make it fast!” In time I came to look at her as the destruction and desolation of my sex, she was the miserly and uptight killjoy – constantly on the prowl lest I have any enjoyment in life. She would not have sex with me and I had to be out of her presence have even the a modicum of pleasure from the sexual consolation of masturbation. I realized that porn was not primarily about me desiring hot T and A, but me wanting to be desired. Paul said better to marry than to burn, I was married and I was burning with no way to quench the fire, only escape the the flames for a short while.

    It wasn’t always a total desert. During a time that she was a little more responsive, I as a result went porn free and I believed that we were on the road to lasting improvement. At the end of that extended time things were more tolerable and I became an elder in my church with a clear conscience. Eight years later the church commissioned me to plant a church and to become fully ordained, which I did. Things were going well, in fact a survey of the congregation had each household reporting that the prior year of participation at the church plant was the most intense year of spiritual growth of their life.

    While preaching against the prevailing feminism of our day from 1 Peter, I was accused by a member with an egalitarian disposition of having a low view of women and a dismal view of marriage. That accusation was escalated to my presbytery would have gone nowhere, (my exegesis and application were biblically solid), except that at the same time my oldest son was feeling distressed about his mother’s growing expressions of contempt toward me. A man who is fancies himself a “white knight” and super husband, liked to go hunting with my son, convinced him that the only possible reason for my wife’s discontent was that I was a lousy, unloving husband and therefore unfit for the ministry. That same man who had previously played a role in the destruction of two other churches, called a member of my presbytery accusing me of a “porn addiction”. An investigation ensued which was little more than just a few phone calls and when I was asked about my sex life, my wife or porn, I spoke the truth as plainly and forthright as I knew how with as little spin and humility as I could muster. A month later I was deposed from office, the church was disbanded and I was informally exiled from the denomination. When I was first ordained, I vowed to submit to my presbytery and so I have heeded their discipline, even if I have disagreements with the process. (If I cannot submit to the church how can I expect my wife to submit to her husband?) Besides I no longer believe that I rule my household well, which is a biblical qualification to enter the ministry and some contend to remain in it.

    To sum up: I have been and am being defrauded by my wife, betrayed by my son, removed from my career along with over a decade of preparation, education and experience, and most of the same people I prayed and agonized over daily will not talk to me. The blame me for the destruction of a very tight knit church. One of the former members of the church was tried and convicted for an offense committed years ago when he was a minor and he had to go through the courts, jail and now prison with no pastor to comfort him, because I was deemed unfit to be a minister of the word and sacrament. I get teary eyed every time I think of that loneliness and doubt he had to endure and no one was not there for him when he really needed a pastor.

    My wife and I went to a nouthetic counselor who just validated my wife’s feelings of contempt and condemned me as a “porn addict”, even though I hadn’t used porn for a over a year and a half. He dropped us after a few visits, never admonishing her to repent of her 25 years of sexual defrauding. She became convinced that she has grounds for a biblical divorce because the white knight community has bellowed their scripture abuse in her ear: that to look another woman with any sexual desire is the same as committing acts of adultery and any act of adultery is grounds for a christian wife to divorce her husband and destroy the home.

    Except for an anonymous blog using a pseudonym, I cannot repeat what I just described to anyone including my family, the former members of my church or even my current church; to do so would constitute a catastrophic failure to protect my wife and my son’s reputation. My mother and siblings think I am a failure and maybe some kind of pervert. I cannot correct them or defend myself, I must let them think what they will, even if I am a reproach to them. I am now woefully insufficiently employed, working a job with long hours for low pay, mostly alone and that requires me to miss worship most weeks. A deposed pastor even with graduate degrees in computer science and in pursuit of a doctorate of ministry is not in market demand. Nobody really cares that I taught church history, christian worldview, was published or preached to large crowds. My public positions against popular sins of the day have made me anathema to many potential employers. Add to that a downcast spirit and … well you get the idea. I have lost the role of head in my home and live under the threat of divorce. I live in a sexless marriage where the marriage bed is defiled and cold, a symbol of decades of defrauding. Unlike the divorced man who has to pick up the pieces and get on with a broken life, I live daily feeling anew the fresh agony of a ongoing defrauding and a life lost of purpose. In moments of weakness, I feel alone, unwanted and useless. This is the fruit of a defrauded marriage. I wonder if I broken my vows and had gotten a divorce if I would be nearly so despised.

    I know that all things work together for good, but right now I am having a difficult time seeing how it will all work out.

    Lord I believe! Help thou my unbelief!

  32. I do not agree with coercion aspect that you bring up. If you erred and married a sexless, frigid woman, then direct her to full service to Christ. Marriage was not her calling. Don’t discipline her into sex she does not want to have. Forgive her and let her go. If you have tried to nurture a longing in her and you are certain you have inadvertently stumbled upon the rare woman, completely averse to love making, and you have done all you can to provide a marriage bed most woman would leap into, then why torture her and yourself?

  33. “A sexually dysfunctional wife” was mentioned in comments above somewhere.

    I have one of those. I was encouraged to get a vesectomy and could have all the sex I wanted. I did this for my wife. I think it’s the worse decision I made. Sex has not improved at all. Now the message I’m getting is do something about your snoring. It always seems to be something that crops up. Do I cut my nose off??? Then the message becomes “You don’t romance me enough”. So this whole thing is all my responsibility to make happen. I’ve been there with the romance stuff and it doesn’t work or last. There is always some new excuse that creeps up.

    I believe that Wife’s forget how to be Wife’s once they have kids and begin to place higher priorities on everything else except their husband. It’s no wonder so many men Christian or otherwise go looking for sex outside of the marriage or step right into pornography. It’s because there is no sex happening inside the marriage. Too many conditions get attached to sex over time. As a man I get tired of fighting this battle. I have been dealing with it for the last 10 years and frankly, I’m just plain tired.
    That’s my two cents anyway.

  34. TMG,

    I am so sorry to hear of this situation with your wife. But I hope after reading many stories on this blog you will see you are not alone in this. While there have always been women who sexually denied their husbands, the modern feminized culture we live in today actually encourages it and this is a big problem.

    While it is good to do kind things for your wife, you should never be doing those things to earn sex with her. Sex is both a right and a responsibility in marriage for both you and your wife. You are right that not long after marriage(or after the children are born) many women will do exactly as you wife as done and stop having sex as often and put the children or other things before their primary duty to serve their husbands needs(and yes sex is a need).

    The advice I give here is antithetical to what the world teaches – but it is the Biblical.

    Don’t do more for your wife in order to get sex – do less.

    I am not talking about being mean or unkind to your wife. I am not talking about failing to care for her needs, or completely shutting her out and giving her the silent treatment.

    Yes – talk to your wife on a regular basis about her day and what her needs are(not wants), but talk less.
    Yes – you must spend some time with her(in order to talk with her), but you can spend less time with her.
    You have a regular date night or dinner outing you do each week – cancel it – that is not a need, it is want.
    Yes – if the sink is broke in the bathroom you need to fix it, but you don’t need to upgrade the bathroom – if it is functional that is all that matters.

    Stop trying to earn sex from your wife – this is your right as her husband.

    Make your wife realize that when she does what God requires(has regular sexual relations with you with NO preconditions), then you will do what God does NOT require and meet SOME of her wants as you see fit.

  35. Hello. I am a frigid wife. I only want to have sex when I’m in the mood, and I’m rarely in the mood. My husband confronted me recently about it. He told me that God doesn’t care about my career and charity works as much as he cares that I’m never sexually available to him. He says it is this that I will one day be judged on. Do you agree with that?

    I felt deep conviction that I’ve sinned against my husband. But the truth is that if I have sex when I’m not in the mood (which is most of the time — I blame it on hormones. I’ve never really been that into it), it’s going to be “get the deed done” sex.

    What is your advice to me? I googled this subject & found your blog. You sound like my husband, but you seem to have thought more about the woman’s part than my husband has. I’m rarely in the mood, but I want to obey God in this area. Please advise.

    Thanks

  36. Wynter,

    Your statement:

    “Hello. I am a frigid wife. I only want to have sex when I’m in the mood, and I’m rarely in the mood. My husband confronted me recently about it. He told me that God doesn’t care about my career and charity works as much as he cares that I’m never sexually available to him. He says it is this that I will one day be judged on. Do you agree with that?

    I felt deep conviction that I’ve sinned against my husband. But the truth is that if I have sex when I’m not in the mood (which is most of the time — I blame it on hormones. I’ve never really been that into it), it’s going to be “get the deed done” sex.

    What is your advice to me? I googled this subject & found your blog. You sound like my husband, but you seem to have thought more about the woman’s part than my husband has. I’m rarely in the mood, but I want to obey God in this area. Please advise.”

    I just wrote a post that I think would really relate to your situation as far as your career and your duties to your husband.
    https://biblicalgenderroles.com/2015/11/20/young-ladies-if-you-pursue-a-career-you-may-fail-the-christian-race/

    Your husband’s statement “that God doesn’t care about my career and charity works as much as he cares that I’m never sexually available to him. He says it is this that I will one day be judged on.” is pretty much Biblically true. I would word it a bit differently. I would say that God does not care about your career or charity work as much as he cares about your duty serve your husband as his help meet in anyway he needs(except if he asks you to do something immoral).

    In fact your career and your charity work could be taking away time and energy from your first and primary mission.

    When you stand before the Bema seat(the judgement seat of Christ) all your charity work and your career won’t matter if you neglect the primary role God has give you – to be a help meet to your husband.

    You need to realize that sex is about WAY MORE than being in the mood. Sex is also very much about duty and sacrifice.

    The Bible teaches that a husband’s body belongs to his wife and a wife’s body belongs to her husband.

    “Let the husband render unto the wife due benevolence: and likewise also the wife unto the husband.
    The wife hath not power of her own body, but the husband: and likewise also the husband hath not power of his own body, but the wife.
    Defraud ye not one the other, except it be with consent for a time, that ye may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again, that Satan tempt you not for your incontinency.” – I Corinthians 7:3-5 (KJV)

    The Bible does not present sex as something we do simply because we are in the mood, but rather it presents it as a sacred duty in marriage.

    Before I get to you as a woman and what you should do, let me first make this clear about your husband. When he does go to have sex with you he should do his very best to make it as pleasant and experience as possible. He should try and physically please you to the best of his ability and not be a selfish lover.

    Before I get to my advice to you let me share a small story that I read in a Christian marriage book many years ago.

    A young Pastor’s wife was feeling lead of the Lord to ask her husband how she could help him in his spiritual walk. She asked her husband “How can I help you in your spiritual walk?” She was expecting some lofty and spiritual answer. His answer took her completely by surprise. He said “Surprise me sometimes when I cam coming home from working at the church – meet me at the door naked.”

    The point of the story was – a woman meeting her husbands sexual needs helps him to be a better man of God and makes their marriage more secure and helps to keep him from being sexually tempted. It is a very important duty of every Christian wife.

    So with that being said I want to give you an exercise to do that may seem strange, and it may take some bravery for you to do.

    Find a time when you are alone at home. Take you clothes off and find a mirror where you can see your whole body. While standing in front of that mirror acknowledge before God as you look at your body that he made your body for your husband’s pleasure. Your body and all its perfect imperfections are a gift to your husband. Realize that God has made your entire body for your husband, not just your genital region.

    Resolve before the Lord that you will present your body(from head to toe) to your husband as the gift it was meant to be.

    Once you have done this the second part of this exercise is to find times when you do just that – present your body to your husband. Perhaps you are taking a shower one day and your husband is watching TV on the couch. Once you have showered come out and present yourself to him. Do this often as a sign of your submission and your love to your husband.

    While it is true that when it comes to sex God has equally given a man’s body to his wife for sex, as he has given her body to him for sex there is a bit of difference when it comes to a wife’s sexual attitude toward her husband.

    God made you for your husband, you are God’s gift to him.
    “Neither was the man created for the woman; but the woman for the man.” – I Corinthians 11:9 (KJV)

    Many women think they can’t make themselves be in the mood, they either are or are not. Many women think it is their husband’s job to put them in the mood by saying or doing certain things make them feel like they want to have sex with him.

    But if a woman is truly looking at her body as a gift to her husband, she can in essence put herself in the mood.

    I hope that you will prayerfully consider this advice.

    Larry

  37. I’ve been taking this seriously for the last six months and I just wanted to tell you & get your comments.

    1. I rarely deny my husband sex of some kind. (I say no sometimes; I’m not perfect). I give oral sex if intercourse is not possible.

    2. I’m SHOCKED at how much my husband wants to have sex. He wants it just about every day, sometimes twice a day. Now that he knows I won’t deny him, he gets into the shower with me often and we make love in there. I had no idea he liked that so much. We did it in the shower a few times when we first got married, but I wasn’t into it because I just wanted to hurry up & shower & get ready for my day.

    3. I’ve witnessed such an unexpected difference in my husband & I would like to know if you think it’s related to my new attitude regarding sexual obedience. The short story is: my husband has become so ambitious at work (and in life generally). He’s gotten a promotion. But, the biggest change is he’s always wanted to start his own business & he is now taking the steps to do it. He has talked about it for years & dreamed about it, but I’ve never seen an attitude like this. He’s become very alpha. He actually works less now. He’s in a management role & he delegates a lot of work. To hear him on the phone with his employees…it’s like a totally different man. He’s very assertive & authoritative. I must say, it is a turn-on for me & makes me want him more.

    4. I will say though that this has not been without sacrifice on my part. I used to work nights, but I changed my schedule to be available to him in the evenings, so I make less money than I used to. I also gave up some activities so I can rest more. A big part of my problem before I started this was I was tired all the time & was too exhausted for sex. But, also, and you’re probably not going to like this: it’s been difficult emotionally because I don’t like giving up control. Honestly, I’ve had to fight my own rebelliousness. Sometimes when he approaches me, I’m tired & lazy & just want him to leave me alone. Sometimes, I’m distracted & don’t want to drop what I’m doing. I don’t know how to put it, but it has been difficult to not have my way on this. That’s been the hardest part. I like being 100% in control of my body & now I have to make sacrifices, so, yes, it’s been difficult. Sexual obedience is a way of life. It requires a whole different mindset. My husband’s needs and fulfillment take up a lot more real estate in my brain now than they used to. It’s not as simple as stop, drop, and “do it” like I thought it was going to be. Am I making any sense?

    I’d love to know your thoughts on my story.

  38. How can a man desire his wife’s sexual satisfaction if he’s okay with his wife faking it. What kind of sexual satisfaction does a wife get from faking it? In fact, it seems like the entire purpose of a woman faking it, is to protect the man’s feelings and his views about his sexual prowess, because sex can still happen if the wife only yields but doesn’t fake it.

    On this blog, you generally regard feelings as secondary, while following duty and obligation as the primary goal. At least you seem to mostly do it when it pertains to women. This is why I’m confused whenever you say it is a sin when a wife doesn’t fake it, if she’s not in the mood or enjoying the sexual encounter, but still yields. There is an obligation to have sex whenever your spouse wants it, but to call it a sin if you don’t have a big grin on your face the entire time, just seems wrong. Not having an emotional connection, while it may make a marriage crappy, is not a sin. A wife refusing to lie and pretend like she’s enjoying a sexual activity, may not make the husband feel great, but this in itself is not a sin.

    It does not even sound like ‘sinful rebellion against God’s design for sex in a marriage’ when a wife still grudgingly gives sex when she’s not in the mood. Such a wife recognises that whether or not she’s in the mood, sex needs to happen. The truly rebellious wife would not give sex at all, unless she also wanted it. I’m a woman, and so of course I love emotional connection, but it would be hypocritical to constantly regard emotional connection as secondary whenever the woman wants it, but then turn around and call it a sin when the man doesn’t get his turn at emotional connection through enthusiastic sex. Please let’s be careful what we refer to as actual sin.

    Believing that a woman does not need to orgasm every time they have sex, coupled with expecting the wife to pretend that she’s enjoying it, sounds like a recipe for a sexually lazy and selfish husband. It essentially disregards the woman’s enjoyment and renders her sexual satisfaction as secondary.

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