“I am an 18 year old female…I’ve ever only wanted to be a wife and mother as the the Bible says. My mother has been pushing me towards a career…how and where can I find a husband who is traditional in the biblical sense and how can I convince my mom that college and a career is not what I am supposed to do”. This was part of a comment I received from a young woman calling herself Shary.
Below is her full comment to me.
“I am a recent high school graduate (in May). For several months now I’ve been reading many blogs like yours and I just would like to say thank you for transforming my life. I am an 18 year old female And prior to graduation I’ve always been asked what career I want to go into. I’ve always had trouble figuring it out because I’ve ever only wanted to be a wife and mother as the the Bible says. My mother has been pushing me towards a career in medicine as a doctor simply because they make a lot of money and are noble.
I’ve chosen to take a gap year before college which of course has made my mom upset. She is now forcing me to find a job since I won’t be going to school. I have told my mom that I don’t want to get into so much debt from college yet she is still pushing me towards it. I’ve been raised my whole life as a Christian and by a single mother, since my father was very abusive when I was a child, but I was never taught about biblical gender roles. My mom has never lived a life according to the Bible’s gender roles.
I would like to ask you how and where can I find a husband who is traditional in the biblical sense and how can I convince my mom that college and a career is not what I am supposed to do. My church does not teach the things that you write about so I am hesitant to go to my pastor in fear that I will be pushed into college and a career.”
Shary,
The unfortunate reality is that your mother is projecting her life onto you as many women who have been hurt by men do. Feminists love to use stories like that of your mom who had an abusive husband and she had to raise her daughter on her own to encourage women to be independent and protect themselves from the potential abuses of men. But in doing so they teach women to neglect their purpose for being created.
To be fair, this same thing goes on with men as well. In the Manosphere we have a movement of men called MGTOW (Men going their own way) which basically uses stories of men being abused by women with stories of women cheating on their husbands only to take their kids, their money and leaving the guy in the poor house to discourage men from marriage and women completely to protect themselves from potential abuse by women.
But to all the young people out there like you Shary, both men and women, God did not create us to just “survive”. He created us so that men and women could come together and picture the relationship of God to his people in marriage.
No generation of young people (both men and women) has ever been so averse to marriage because of the risks that it entails. And yes, there are risks to both men and women in entering marriage together. Although in the post-feminist society we now live in, marriage is actually less riskier for women that it has ever been and conversely it is more risky for men than it has ever been.
But no matter the risk of marriage to either men or women, we must continue to call young people to have faith and follow God’s first command to “Be fruitful, and multiply” (Genesis 1:28) which requires marriage. That does not mean of course that men and women should not be very careful in vetting potential spouses for marriage. They absolutely should. They should talk to family and friends of people they court and truly seek to know that person’s background well before they enter into marriage.
Regarding your question as to how to find traditional men. Start online – 40 percent of couples who marry each year met online. Go on all the major dating sites and setup a profile. Just make sure you put in that profile that you are looking for a traditional Christian marriage where the husband lovingly leads, provides for and protects his wife as Christ does his church and the woman submits to and serves her husband as the church is to submit to and serve Christ. And that the woman is to bear children, care for those children and be a keeper at home. You will find many Christian men online that are looking for exactly the kind of woman you want to be.
Regarding your mom. Give your mom the Scriptures that teach the doctrines of gender roles and especially those that emphasize the woman’s place in the home like 1 Timothy 5:14 and Titus 2:4-5. Explain to her that Ephesians 5:22-33 shows that your purpose in creation is to join with a man in marriage to paint the picture of Christ and his church.
God does not want women to be independent of men any more than he wants the church to be independent of him.
Yes, sometimes men will fail and abuse women just as women sometimes will fail and abuse men. Divorce happens, abuse happens. But God wants us to have faith in his design and ultimately trust him when things go south.
Ultimately though you may never convince your mom of God’s purpose for you to be a homemaker, because her life experience. Each of us has a choice in this life, we can live by what our feelings and by what our life experience has taught us or we can live by faith in God and his purposes for our lives.
But you don’t have to convince your mom that God’s Word is right to follow it. In fact sometimes we must go against our human authority when they impede us from following God’s will for our lives – in Acts 5:29 Peter said “We ought to obey God rather than men“. I don’t say this lightly because I think in general that women should follow the guidance of their parents but there are times when you must go contrary to the guidance of your parents to follow God.
Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego made the following statement to King Nebuchadnezzar as he was about to throw them into the fiery furnace in Daniel 3:17-18:
“17 If it be so, our God whom we serve is able to deliver us from the burning fiery furnace, and he will deliver us out of thine hand, O king. 18 But if not, be it known unto thee, O king, that we will not serve thy gods, nor worship the golden image which thou hast set up.”
Yes, statistically speaking we have around a 50 percent chance of divorce. And there is also a chance of many other abuses going on in marriage by both men and women that may not lead to divorce, but will result in the marriage being more difficult. But regardless of whether God places us in a more challenging marriage with an abusive spouse or even allows us to go through divorce – he is still God and we must never give up on his commands regarding marriage.
And finally, you may want to take a cue from Ruth in the Bible. She was raised in a pagan society yet chose to worship the true God. She had no men in her life to guide her as her husband had died. She did however have a godly mother-in-law who helped guide her.
Unfortunately, it sounds like you are lacking this guidance from elder Christians in the Lord in your immediate area. And you are not alone in this. The church has been so utterly infested by feminism and egalitarianism that it is very hard for young people to find good mentors in this age.
There are however many traditional woman’s groups online on Facebook and elsewhere. Look on Instagram as well. I have been very encouraged recently to see the awakening of many young Christian women to how feminism is destroying marriage in our society. It is so encouraging for me to find many young women like you who are rejecting the lie of the career woman and are embracing God’s created purpose for their life to be a wife and mother and a keeper in the home.
And while your church leadership may not embrace Biblical gender roles; you would be surprised how many churches have a few families in them that do. You need to look for these families in the church you attend or perhaps try out some other churches in your area.
Biblical Gender Roles 
BGR, great counsel as always…
The only thing I would add is an encouragement to this young woman to wait until the Lord provides her with a husband who is already established in a good paying job where he will be financially capable of providing for himself and her. I know, from your other articles, you subscribe to this approach, so I’m only repeating what you have shared before.
A couple of thoughts for Shary:
You say “I’ve been raised my whole life as a Christian and by a single mother, since my father was very abusive when I was a child…” Unless you personally remember your father being “very abusive” then you might need to reconsider your relationship with him. If you are just going on your mothers word that he was “very abusive”, it might be a total lie because your mother did not want to submit to him and obey him as the Bible instructs. She needed an excuse to divorce him and “abuse” is the go-to excuse for many women. Your father might be a source of support and direction for you. Just something to consider.
If you don’t already know about it, I personally recommend you to Lori Alexanders “The Transformed Wife” blog-site. Lori has a Titus 2 ministry where she, an older woman in the church, teaches younger women (such as yourself) on how to be a Godly woman and wife. https://thetransformedwife.com/ I know of no better site than this for this purpose.
You are on the right track sister, hold fast to the truth of Gods word!
One more thought…
Since her mother is lovingly concerned that she have sufficient financial means to live a successful life, if she marries a man who is well founded in work and finances, at least that will give her mother a measure of comfort. It may not alleviate all her concerns, and probably nothing could, but it will at least calm some of her immediate concerns.
I would absolutely refer this woman to online communities rather than local churches, but either way, BOTH should be carefully held up to the mirror of scripture. A lot of the women in brick and mortar churches have been brought up in “socially acceptable” christianity (more like “socially modified”) that still promotes women to think about their education and money-making capabilities before marriage or promotes a kind of quasi-submission/obedience that encourages women to be just obedient enough to feel good about “following the word” while still being independent and rebellious enough that her husband would think twice about crossing her. These churches and these ladies are even more dangerous than outright rebellious heathens because they will make you feel like you are doing right when you are not! ALWAYS COMPARE THE WORDS AND ACTIONS OF THE PEOPLE AGAINST WHAT SCRIPTURE SAYS! Please!
My heart goes out to her! My mom was much the same way, even though she had a good husband who stayed (my dad), she was adamant I go all the way through grad-school before even getting engaged. For those who don’t know my story, I did go to college, met my husband there, we got engaged, and my mom kicked me out! They dropped all financial support and kept my car.
I’ve known another woman who had pretty much the same thing happen to her when her (single) mother decided her daughter shouldn’t marry, but become a nun. When the daughter fell in love, the mom turned psychotic and abusive (mine did, too, thankfully she went back to normal shortly after the wedding).
So… in counseling this poor girl, try to get as much freedom now, as you can. If she’s the type I’m familiar with, once you start rebelling against her plans (never going to college… or getting married before she thinks it’s right) she’s going to turn on you and become your worst enemy. And you’ll be so lost and depressed and depending on your financial situation, you could end up on the street. So be careful… recognize now that if she’s pushing you this hard, she may have some weird psychological thing going on where she may flip into an abusive role, even if she’s never ever abused you before.
Figure out getting your own car, that you pay for, your own phone you pay for, try to find a job now that will help you if you need to move out. Maybe it’s overkill, but being able to live your own life is very much worth it to follow your values longterm.
“I would absolutely refer this woman to online communities rather than local churches, but either way, BOTH should be carefully held up to the mirror of scripture”
Snapper, the girl I knew who had the single mother who pulled this, she had to live in church housing because her mom got so out of control. Churches sometimes still do this, so hopefully that option would be available to her if it comes to that point.
Her situation is tough because she is still under someone else’s care (her mother), but her mother is going the wrong way. Honestly, this is a huge problem today for young men and young women. Parents of a young women act like young men are complete poison for the plans THEY have for their “little” girls who should never grow up.
They keep their young women away from decent young men in some misguided effort to “protect” them when in fact they are ruining them for the purpose of which they were made, will please God, and will find fulfillment. It would be far better for them to allow their daughters to develop proper relationship when they still have control and can encourage the right direction than to avoid it forever until their daughter rebels and picks the first man that comes along. They push them to invest in career path that takes them away from the “wife of your youth path”. All of this is of course the plan of the enemy and feminism.
There is something special about a young man and young woman entering marriage. A wife of your youth is very important.
My advice for a strategy is to appear to be workable to your mom’s plan for now. Appear to be flexible in the short term. In the gap year get a job and start saving money. Start college if your mom is paying for it (if you don’t want to do it and it is about incurring personal debt, do not do it), but keep in mind that a higher priority may put that aside at any time if you meet a good Christian man who is serious about making you the wife of his youth.
Finding a Godly man is not an easy task and I liked the wording of what bgr said to put in the online profile. Do not “give it up” until marriage and dump any guy who isn’t prepared to wait. It may be difficult, but it is doable. Do not be in a hurry. Get to know his heart and whether he has a real relationship with Jesus. Watch him closely to see what he does when things are difficult – does he cave and do what he wants, or does he do what Jesus wants him to do. Are you suited to each other? Do you like the same things? Is he a man you can take instruction from? Is he a man you can respect?
Finally, congrats in seeing clearly. You are way ahead of things. Give God thanks for this in prayer and pray that He will move things for you. Pray for a Godly husband and pray for wisdom to discern one. Do not assume the first guy that shows up is that man. Be guarded with your heart until you know he can be trusted with it. Pray pray pray and trust God to provision for you!
I would say to Shary to look into singles groups in church. Perhaps she could get a job with a Christian business.
I do recommend getting some kind of skill or training to provide for herself (such as a technical school). It doesn’t sound like she has any potential suitors at this time, so I dont see any reason she couldn’t work for a while until she meets someone. She can always quit if she chooses once she’s married.
Abuse isn’t the only reason that a woman may need to support herself. Husbands get laid off.
They get injured or Iill and can’t work etc…
My husband is a pastor and my income has sustained us several times when he upset the wrong family and was asked to leave (Baptists will vote a pastor out over anything).
I would support my daughter being an at-home mom once she is married, but I would not allow my 18 year olld to sit at home all day without being in school or having a job at this stage in her life.
There is no reason Shary can’t work or study during this time. She might even meet someone at work or in class. I don’t see why she can’t go to school and get some skill while she is waiting on the one God has for her. Trade/tech schools are quite affordable.
I also would absolutely not recommend Shary follow Lori Alexander. It’s not because of her beliefs either. It’s because she is very cold and not gracious at all. She lives in a million dollar home and buys $14 a pound butter while her followers struggle.
She really lost me when she deleted a suicide hotline number someone posted when a follower said she was thinking of suicide. She also allows men to comment on her blog and call women names like “whore”.
Somehow I don’t think Jesus would do that.
I’m 20 years old and in a similar situation. Unfortunately I didn’t come to my senses until after I started college. Now I’m being guilt tripped into having a career that matches my degree. My bachelor’s degree is one of my biggest life regrets. Thankfully I only have three semesters left and I met my fiancé (online!) and he is on the same (biblical) page as I am and he doesn’t want me to follow my family’s worldly plan for my life. Remember that God will provide. He sees your desire to follow Him. God bless you