“I am an 18 year old female…I’ve ever only wanted to be a wife and mother as the the Bible says. My mother has been pushing me towards a career…how and where can I find a husband who is traditional in the biblical sense and how can I convince my mom that college and a career is not what I am supposed to do”. This was part of a comment I received from a young woman calling herself Shary.
Below is her full comment to me.
“I am a recent high school graduate (in May). For several months now I’ve been reading many blogs like yours and I just would like to say thank you for transforming my life. I am an 18 year old female And prior to graduation I’ve always been asked what career I want to go into. I’ve always had trouble figuring it out because I’ve ever only wanted to be a wife and mother as the the Bible says. My mother has been pushing me towards a career in medicine as a doctor simply because they make a lot of money and are noble.
I’ve chosen to take a gap year before college which of course has made my mom upset. She is now forcing me to find a job since I won’t be going to school. I have told my mom that I don’t want to get into so much debt from college yet she is still pushing me towards it. I’ve been raised my whole life as a Christian and by a single mother, since my father was very abusive when I was a child, but I was never taught about biblical gender roles. My mom has never lived a life according to the Bible’s gender roles.
I would like to ask you how and where can I find a husband who is traditional in the biblical sense and how can I convince my mom that college and a career is not what I am supposed to do. My church does not teach the things that you write about so I am hesitant to go to my pastor in fear that I will be pushed into college and a career.”
The unfortunate reality is that your mother is projecting her life onto you as many women who have been hurt by men do. Feminists love to use stories like that of your mom who had an abusive husband and she had to raise her daughter on her own to encourage women to be independent and protect themselves from the potential abuses of men. But in doing so they teach women to neglect their purpose for being created.
To be fair, this same thing goes on with men as well. In the Manosphere we have a movement of men called MGTOW (Men going their own way) which basically uses stories of men being abused by women with stories of women cheating on their husbands only to take their kids, their money and leaving the guy in the poor house to discourage men from marriage and women completely to protect themselves from potential abuse by women.
But to all the young people out there like you Shary, both men and women, God did not create us to just “survive”. He created us so that men and women could come together and picture the relationship of God to his people in marriage.
No generation of young people (both men and women) has ever been so averse to marriage because of the risks that it entails. And yes, there are risks to both men and women in entering marriage together. Although in the post-feminist society we now live in, marriage is actually less riskier for women that it has ever been and conversely it is more risky for men than it has ever been.
But no matter the risk of marriage to either men or women, we must continue to call young people to have faith and follow God’s first command to “Be fruitful, and multiply” (Genesis 1:28) which requires marriage. That does not mean of course that men and women should not be very careful in vetting potential spouses for marriage. They absolutely should. They should talk to family and friends of people they court and truly seek to know that person’s background well before they enter into marriage.
Regarding your question as to how to find traditional men. Start online – 40 percent of couples who marry each year met online. Go on all the major dating sites and setup a profile. Just make sure you put in that profile that you are looking for a traditional Christian marriage where the husband lovingly leads, provides for and protects his wife as Christ does his church and the woman submits to and serves her husband as the church is to submit to and serve Christ. And that the woman is to bear children, care for those children and be a keeper at home. You will find many Christian men online that are looking for exactly the kind of woman you want to be.
Regarding your mom. Give your mom the Scriptures that teach the doctrines of gender roles and especially those that emphasize the woman’s place in the home like 1 Timothy 5:14 and Titus 2:4-5. Explain to her that Ephesians 5:22-33 shows that your purpose in creation is to join with a man in marriage to paint the picture of Christ and his church.
God does not want women to be independent of men any more than he wants the church to be independent of him.
Yes, sometimes men will fail and abuse women just as women sometimes will fail and abuse men. Divorce happens, abuse happens. But God wants us to have faith in his design and ultimately trust him when things go south.
Ultimately though you may never convince your mom of God’s purpose for you to be a homemaker, because her life experience. Each of us has a choice in this life, we can live by what our feelings and by what our life experience has taught us or we can live by faith in God and his purposes for our lives.
But you don’t have to convince your mom that God’s Word is right to follow it. In fact sometimes we must go against our human authority when they impede us from following God’s will for our lives – in Acts 5:29 Peter said “We ought to obey God rather than men“. I don’t say this lightly because I think in general that women should follow the guidance of their parents but there are times when you must go contrary to the guidance of your parents to follow God.
Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego made the following statement to King Nebuchadnezzar as he was about to throw them into the fiery furnace in Daniel 3:17-18:
“17 If it be so, our God whom we serve is able to deliver us from the burning fiery furnace, and he will deliver us out of thine hand, O king. 18 But if not, be it known unto thee, O king, that we will not serve thy gods, nor worship the golden image which thou hast set up.”
Yes, statistically speaking we have around a 50 percent chance of divorce. And there is also a chance of many other abuses going on in marriage by both men and women that may not lead to divorce, but will result in the marriage being more difficult. But regardless of whether God places us in a more challenging marriage with an abusive spouse or even allows us to go through divorce – he is still God and we must never give up on his commands regarding marriage.
And finally, you may want to take a cue from Ruth in the Bible. She was raised in a pagan society yet chose to worship the true God. She had no men in her life to guide her as her husband had died. She did however have a godly mother-in-law who helped guide her.
Unfortunately, it sounds like you are lacking this guidance from elder Christians in the Lord in your immediate area. And you are not alone in this. The church has been so utterly infested by feminism and egalitarianism that it is very hard for young people to find good mentors in this age.
There are however many traditional woman’s groups online on Facebook and elsewhere. Look on Instagram as well. I have been very encouraged recently to see the awakening of many young Christian women to how feminism is destroying marriage in our society. It is so encouraging for me to find many young women like you who are rejecting the lie of the career woman and are embracing God’s created purpose for their life to be a wife and mother and a keeper in the home.
And while your church leadership may not embrace Biblical gender roles; you would be surprised how many churches have a few families in them that do. You need to look for these families in the church you attend or perhaps try out some other churches in your area.