Should a Christian man risk his wife divorcing him to confront her feminist and rebellious tendencies? Or is it an act of sacrificial love for a husband to submit to his wife in order to save his marriage? Should a husband attempt to discipline his wife until she accepts her place in God’s design knowing that she might leave him and take his children?
These are the kinds of questions that are raised by a story I received from a man who identifies himself as “John” in response to my post “Fathers can save our families from feminism”.
John’s Story
“My wife and I married as equals. We were not Christians in a true sense, but had cultural ties to Christianity. I believed in feminism when I married. After we had our first child something changed. Looking into my new daughters eyes awakened something in me. I knew at that point that there absolutely was a Creator God and there was NO WAY this child was a random event. I began searching in earnest for God and He found me and saved me on May 1st 2005.
Any Christian reading this will understand when I say that my journey with Christ has been wonderful, challenging, exciting, and unexpected! Unfortunately my wife, who I adore, had not joined me yet😔. Also I have come to understand the perils of feminism and the benefits of a biblical family structure. When I have tried to lead I’ve been shut down entirely. She has threatened divorce thrice and hired a lawyer once. I believe she is serious about not only not being submissive but about calling the shots as she has also rejected her own ideals of equality.
My lawyer told me she would get the kids and everything. So I’ve submitted to protect my family. I can accept the insinuations on this website that I am weak or pathetic or groveling or whatever. These are just unkind words. But I’m convicted by the thought that I’m disobedient to God in my stance. I’m truly confused now. I accept that feminism is a lie, that the bible is truth, and I’m ready and willing to act in that way and lead my wife. I wish to do so sacrificially and gently by putting her first. Her adamant refusal and willingness to blow up the family gives me pause. Our children will be hurt and taken from me, their father, if this happens. From the frying pan into the fire! Help!…”
John let me say first and foremost that my heart goes out to you and the millions of men who have to deal with this kind of situation you are dealing with in regard to your wife’s rebellion toward you as the authority God has placed over her.
Egalitarian or “partnership” marriages are based on a lie
Your statement:
“My wife and I married as equals. We were not Christians in a true sense, but had cultural ties to Christianity. I believed in feminism when I married.”
What I think you mean by the phrase that you “married as equals” is that you embraced the modern belief that marriage is an equal partnership. You were feminists and egalitarians.
Your statement:
“I believe she is serious about not only not being submissive but about calling the shots as she has also rejected her own ideals of equality”
Your wife’s behavior proves a truth that I have said many times on this site. In most so called “equal partnership” marriages the woman is actually the head of her husband and her home. In a few “equal partnership” marriages the man is actually the head but he is much more subtle about his leadership than men are in traditional or Biblical marriages. Your wife does as you say and “calls the shots”. This makes her the dominant and you the submissive.
Egalitarianism is a lie that many people believe and your wife is one of them. One person will always be more dominate than the other. This is the nature of human relationships. She has lied to herself as so many women do and convinced herself that she truly believes in and acts as an equal partner in your marriage when she clearly does not.
A marriage will either be a “subtle” patriarchy (male lead) or a “subtle” matriarchy (female lead) – there is no such thing as true partnership marriage.
The only difference between the subtle matriarchy in most self-proclaimed egalitarian marriages and the overt patriarchy practiced in traditional and Biblical Christian marriages is that the wife tries to convince herself and her husband that she is not really leading the relationship and the family. But make no mistake she is the matriarch.
Even if true partnership marriages existed – they would exist in direct violation to God’s design of marriage and the family.
Sometimes your Christian faith may cost you your marriage
Your story of the birth of your daughter bringing you to Christ is one I have heard before. For many it is not until they see the beauty of new human life that they realize there truly is a God and he really does have a plan for our lives. I am so glad you came to place your faith and trust in Christ.
The Bible tells us that sometimes our faith, especially when we start to live it and put it into practice will make enemies even in our own home!
“34 Think not that I am come to send peace on earth: I came not to send peace, but a sword.
35 For I am come to set a man at variance against his father, and the daughter against her mother, and the daughter in law against her mother in law.
36 And a man’s foes shall be they of his own household.
37 He that loveth father or mother more than me is not worthy of me: and he that loveth son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me.
38 And he that taketh not his cross, and followeth after me, is not worthy of me.” – Matthew 10:34-38 (KJV)
We can see in the words of Jesus Christ that sometimes our Christian faith will bring us into direct conflict with those closest to us – even those whom we love. Your wife, the woman you love, has become your spiritual “foe”. Some may object to me saying this about your wife but the words of Christ could not be clearer here.
Now God also wants you to love your enemies and pray for them:
“But I say unto you, Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you” – Matthew 5:44 (KJV)
But remember what Christ said in verses 37-38 of Matthew 10? Yes you are to love your enemies and pray for them but you are not to love them more than God. What Christ means here is if you allow your family (and this includes your wife) to cause you to sin against God or not to follow God’s commands for your life then you are not worthy of Christ. The phrase “worthy of me” does not mean you will lose your salvation as some Christian teachers falsely teach. It means you are not living your Christian life in a way that is worthy of what Christ has done for you. Christ is admonishing you to run the Christian race (live the Christian life) in a way that is worthy or befitting of what he has done for you.
Paul speaks of a person’s faith and the impact it has on their unbelieving spouse causing divorce in I Corinthians:
“13 And the woman which hath an husband that believeth not, and if he be pleased to dwell with her, let her not leave him.
14 For the unbelieving husband is sanctified by the wife, and the unbelieving wife is sanctified by the husband: else were your children unclean; but now are they holy.
15 But if the unbelieving depart, let him depart. A brother or a sister is not under bondage in such cases: but God hath called us to peace.” – I Corinthians 7:13-15 (KJV)
Here is the truth – God commands that you lead your wife:
“23 For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the saviour of the body.
24 Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing.” – Ephesians 5:23-24 (KJV)
He also calls on you to sacrifice yourself in effort to make your wife holy as Christ gave himself to make his church holy:
“25 Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it;
26 That he might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word,
27 That he might present it to himself a glorious church, not having spot, or wrinkle, or any such thing; but that it should be holy and without blemish.” – Ephesians 5:25-27 (KJV)
God does not call on you to keep your wife in the marriage at the cost of you disobeying his commands to lead your home. If she wants to depart you must let her depart. Will it cause a lot of emotional pain to you and your children in doing this? Absolutely it will. But this is a sacrifice that God has called you to make in obedience to him. If you fail to do this then you are in essence loving your marriage and family more than you love God.
Your children will be hurt in either case
I just spoke about the hurt that divorce will cause your children. But realize that your children will be hurt in either case.
If you stay your children will be hurt by the bad example they see of their father submitting to their mother. This completely breaks the model of marriage and it goes against the natural relationship that God created there to be between a man and woman.
And no Ephesians 5:21 is NOT talking about husbands submitting to their wives in marriage. This heresy is wide spread in the Church today but it flies in the face of the Scriptures.
I encourage you and my other readers to read my post “Should a Christian husband make his wife submit?” Where I extensively deal with Ephesians 5:21 in its proper context.
The short answer is this. The Greek word hupotasso which is translated as submit, obedient, submission and subjection in the KJV is a military term meaning to “to arrange under, to subordinate, to subject, put in subjection, obey” and in most cases it is referring to obeying one’s authority. But there are some cases where it used in the sense of “voluntary cooperation” and this is the sense it is used in Ephesians 5:21 when speaking of the relationship between church members in the assembled church.
But it is impossible to see hupotasso having this same meaning of “voluntary cooperation” in the relationship of a husband and wife because God pictures the husband and wife relationship as that of Christ and the Church. Are Christ and his Church equal partners? Does Christ submit to his Church? The answer from Scripture are clearly NO.
This is why it is the height of absurdity to say that husbands are to submit to their wives in the sense of laying down their authority that God commands them to take in marriage.
Children need to see a strong father who leads his family and a mother who demonstrates what submission to authority looks like. In this way they learn both what proper leadership looks like and what proper submission looks like.
If you stay in your marriage your children will have a very warped view of what masculinity and femininity mean and what leadership and submission are to look like in God’s design.
In essence you are standing your ground with your wife not only because of your higher allegiance to God and his commands for your life but also for the betterment of your children. Right now and for the next year or so it will be very tough on them. But eventually they may come to faith in Christ (if they have not already) and come to respect that stand you took for God.
You won’t lose your kids and you won’t lose everything
Your Statement:
“My lawyer told me she would get the kids and everything.”
John if your lawyer told you that then you need to get a new lawyer. There was a time when women used to get full custody of the kids in most divorce cases and Dads only got two weekends a month at best. Thankfully that has changed as men have fought back and law associations dedicated to fighting for men’s rights have come to the rescue. Courts are less likely to award alimony and if they do it is only temporary. Yes you will have to part with half your physical assets but you will be able to start over.
Yes you will have to pay child support but I would fight alimony. In divorce whoever is the most patient usually wins. In most cases court appointed arbitrators will try and scare you into a settlement but it is your right to take your case all the way to the judge. Unless they can prove that you would be an unfit parent you can file for joint custody.
I have joint physical and legal custody of my kids and I know several of my friends that also share joint legal and physical custody with their ex-wives.
There are two keys to getting what you want from divorce – patience and steadfastness. Make sure what you want is realistic and then stand your ground and do not be pressured by your lawyer, her lawyer or a court arbitrator to agree to anything less.
I would suggest you turn your wife’s divorce threat around on her. Tell her if she divorces you that will mount a “scorched earth” campaign against her if you feel you are being unfairly treated in the divorce. Tell her a “scorched earth” campaign means if she does not agree to a fair division of the assets and joint legal and physical custody up front you will hire the most expensive lawyers you can find to drain every asset you have. You are willing to lose your home and everything to your name in this effort. You will drag this out in court for years if you have to. Turn the tables on your rebellious wife. Be the man that God meant for you to be.
I pray that God will give you the courage to take the tough actions ahead you need to take and to stand firm and like a man.
“Be on the alert, stand firm in the faith, act like men, be strong.”
I Corinthians 6:13 (NASB)
Other related posts:
10 ways to know if you are sacrificing your faith for your wife
Biblical Gender Roles 
John, I want to add that you most likely will not have to pay alimony to your wife if she works and can support herself. Furthermore, if you two get equal custody, which as BGR pointed out you can probably get, that will drastically reduce what you would have to pay in child support. Also, if you and your wife make roughly the same amount, you won’t have to pay child support at all. If she makes more than you do, the courts could actually order her to pay you child support.
I’m not telling you to strive for a divorce, but your lawyer is very wrong. My uncle recently went through a divorce that his wife filed because, as he discovered once she’d told him about her decision, she’d been having a long term affair. He’s not paying her any alimony because she works. He is paying some child support because he out-earns her but not nearly as much as he would have if he hadn’t gotten equal custody. His ex-wife tried to fight against his request for equal custody, but he received it because there was nothing that prevented him from getting it. He was financially stable, had a place for his youngest child (the only one under eighteen) to live and sleep, and was demonstrably a good father. He also is a teacher, so he has a job that allows him to dedicate sufficient time to his youngest. So, basically, if you fight for it, you should come out okay.
While I definitely agree with getting a new lawyer if this man does end up facing divorce (or perhaps regardless, idk), I’m not sure I agree with the premise of this post. In the case where a Christian couple has a period in their marriage where the wife is rebellious, I think actions on the husband’s part are valid (although we obviously disagree on exactly what that looks like). But the woman in this case never claimed to be a Christian when dating (or at any point), and she claimed to be a feminist (or at least believe in egalitarian marriage) from the get-go as well. For a man to marry her while that way and then do an about-face after marriage is probably incredibly frustrating and out-of-the-blue for the woman. For the man to try to make a non-Christian wife act like a Christian rather than focusing on trying to win her to Christ kinda seems to be missing the forest for the trees. For this man to try to make his marriage as ‘Christiany’ as possible while his wife still remains unsaved (and more and more bitter against him and probably Christianity in general) is at best putting a band-aid on a gaping wound, and at worst, making the wound even worse.
AnnaMS,
The Bible actually anticipates this exact situation when a person get’s saved that their unsaved spouse may not want to stay with them because of how their lifestyle changes in I Corinthians 7:13-16. The Christian does not have to expel them, but they also don’t have to do anything it takes to make them stay.
I totally see that from his wife’s point of view as an unsaved person that this does not seem fair. She is probably thinking “hey you and I thought the same on marriage when we got married and you can’t go changing things up now. I like the way things are and I am not going to put up with this garbage that you have to lead”.
Yes he should try and win his wife to Christ, but not by dereliction of his duty to lead his home. If he submits to her he will be disobeying God’s commands to him to lead his wife seek to make her holy.
I am not saying a husband has to force his wife to go to Church or that he could not use some extra grace and mercy with his unsaved wife. But he cannot simply bow to her anymore and allow her to tell him and the family how they will operate. He must take his rightful position as leader of his home and if she does not like that and feels it to be unfair then he should do as the Bible commands and let the unbeliever depart.
BGR,
I am not advocating for a man (or a woman) to do anything and everything to keep their unsaved spouse in a marriage. Nor am I saying that a man should submit to his wife and let her take on the sole position of leadership in their marriage/family.
What I am saying is that, while a man should seek to lead his home wisely, the word ‘wisely’ there is key. If someone really thinks that the fact that his unsaved wife submits to him makes her more holy and presentable to God than the unsaved wife next door who does not submit, than I have a bridge to sell them. Because at this point in their lives (and most importantly, her life), the real issue is not that she is leading the relationship. It’s that Satan is lord of her life rather than Jesus. And until that is resolved, there is absolutely nothing the man can do to present his wife as holy to God. Remember the Bible says that apart from God’s righteousness, all of our own righteousness is like filthy rags to Him.
Now of course the man is no more responsible for saving his wife than the woman would be if the roles were reversed. But when his focus becomes on how he can become the boss, He is not modeling Christ to her. He is modeling the Jews who wanted Jesus to crush the Romans and show them who was in charge. I’m not saying to only embrace the ‘lamb’ part of the lion and the lamb that is Jesus, but simply switching to lion mode as a way to take what is rightfully his (leadership), is going to drive his wife away. While we are not responsible for saving other people, we are responsible for actions we do that make us a stumbling block on their way to Jesus. Remember the millstone verse in the Bible.
He absolutely should be the leader, but sometimes being a good leader means not being the boss. Just like Jesus often gives us what we want when we refuse to follow Him and instead lets us learn the hard way (part of how I think Obama got elected and how Trump is so popular, but i’m using that as an example rather than trying to get all political here). It can also look like when Bush Sr. stepped back and let the military commanders make battle decisions even though he is Commander-in-Chief.
This wife does not need her husband to be her boss in a desperate attempt to present her as a more holy filthy rag than she was previously. She needs him to model Christ to her.
Wow! The thoughts and responses here are really helpful to me. I’ve had a hard time finding a place to dialogue with people who understand and get right to the issue. So thank you! God has been showing me things are going to break loose here. Also he is showing me how I’ve been fighting against him without being fully aware. Three points here:
1) I do love my wife. Since I feel I’m called to love my wife it’s been hard for me to understand how she can be my “spiritual foe”. It’s becoming clearer now
2) the issue of her non Christianity and that it was me who changed has also been a confusion for me. I don’t feel called to try to force my change on her. Her decision for Christ, if ever, must be between her and Christ. Also I’ve felt a very strong leading from the Holy Spirit to get out of the way and not interfere with her! But I see now that is different from whether or not I obey scripture by leading.
3) when she hired the lawyer I did in fact resolve to follow the bible and let her, the unbeliever, depart. I told her I was ok with her leaving if that is what she wanted but she had to agree to a fair split of kids and $ in a legally binding document. When she refused I threatened full “scorched earth” if she left without that agreement because I wanted to stand up for my responsibility to our kids. I felt I was bluffing because of what the lawyer told me. The bluff worked, sort of. She countered that she would stay in that case and that we could just “live together and be miserable then”. That’s where we have been since and it isn’t as fun as it sounds, believe me!
Now for the hopeful conclusion: I may not have to be a bull in a china shop here. I will prayerfully seek new ways for the Holy Spirit to lead me to lead my family. I will seek to step forward and assert myself. I will answer challenges by pointing to the door and a willingness to revisit my previous offer of a fair split. Finally, I think my wife’s dirty little secret is that she does love me some even though she doesn’t let on much. I suppose I’ll find out whether or not she really does soon enough. She knows I love her though.
I look forward to your replies and will keep you posted on where the Holy Spirit leads me…
AnnaMS,
Your Statement:
When I said “seek to make her holy” this is not about positional righteousness. She is not saved even if chooses to submit. But Christian morality is still beneficial in this life. If parents have a teenager that flat out tells them they don’t believe in God or Christianity should they just let their children do whatever they want since they are on their way to hell anyway since as you say “Satan is lord of their life”?
I think not. In fact I think the analogy of a parents coming to Christ would fit this well as the wife is under the authority of her husband the same as children are under the authority of their parents.
If you had an unsaved family and the parents accepted Christ but they had teens that did not accept Christ – should the parents not make changes to the rules of their home to reflect their new Christian faith? What if they failed to discipline their teens for disrespect? Should they continue to allow it or allow their teens to engage in other immoral activities (like sleeping with their girlfriends or boyfriends at their house)?
The answer is found here:
The parents must do that which they know is good and right before God and that means changing things in their household to conform with their new Christian lifestyle and beliefs. It means leading as God would have them and it means disciplining in accordance with God’s Word.
Now I am not saying the parents can show some initial grace, patience and mercy with their children but at the same time they can’t just throw up their hands and say “Well since our kids are unsaved we can’t discipline them or expect them to confirm to Christian morals.”
Yes Jesus Christ and his way, his truth and his life is stumbling block to the unbelieving:
“But we preach Christ crucified, unto the Jews a stumblingblock, and unto the Greeks foolishness;” – I Corinthians 1:23 (KJV) but should he hide his faith and what he believes God would have him do as the head of his home? I think not.
The millstone verse does not apply to unbeliever but rather it applies to believers:
Jesus was talking about people leading young Christians astray.
I understand though what you are trying to say that as believers we should not be unnecessary burdens on people coming to Christ. But he can no longer allow his wife to make arbitrary decisions as the leader of the home. He cannot allow her to dictate to him the moral directions, financial directions or anything like this. He should sit down and talk with her and hear her out. But in the end he needs to make the decisions he knows are right before God.
If she does not like him leading and threatens to leave unless he surrenders the authority over the home to her then he must let the unbeliever depart. It really is that simple.
You Statement:
I agree he needs to model the relationship of Christ and the Church with his wife. Does Christ let his Churches do anything they want or does he direct them? Does he rebuke them when they go astray in Revelation 3:19?
Bush stepping back and allowing his commanders to lead in Iraq is a bad example. They came to him with policy advice and he made the decision to accept their expert opinions. But at no point did President Bush abandon his job as president to set policies and directives even he did take the advice of his commanders. A husband cannot stand back and let his wife arbitrarily make moral decisions that affect the teaching of his children, the discipline of his children or the financial direction of his home.
I agree that not all leaders are authorities. I have said as much. Sometimes leaders are just in positions of influence with no real authority. So it is a true statement that while all authorities should be influencers not all leaders are authorities. Not all leaders are responsible for the conduct of those that follow them.
But in the case of parents as well as husbands – they are not just influencers to those under their home but rather they are authorities that are responsible for the conduct of those under their authority. If a husband is not the boss of his home, if he is simply a figure head that can only influence those in his home then he is not doing what God called him to do.
John,
For the sake other men who will read this and helping them can u give us some specific areas where u have felt the lord calling u to lead? Feel free to change up the details I just think if u got a little more specific it might help. Thanks
I’ve never advocated for just giving in and letting her lead the family in whichever way she pleases. That sounds like a fairly toxic idea regardless of whether or not the wife is saved or not. Like I said, he does need to show leadership, but that leadership is going to look very different than it would if his wife were saved.
We have argued previously about whether or not a parent’s position over a child is the same as a husband’s over his wife. I’m not going to rehash that all again here, but I do see how that will influence how we approach this issue.
John can definitely try to lead his family in Godly ways, and I would definitely advocate for that. I’d think the absolute best way he could lead his family this way is by praying for them. Ways like seeking to explain the Gospel to them, inviting them to Church, being honest and open about his new beliefs and encouraging them to come to him with questions…these are all examples of strong leadership skills that will honestly probably make him stand out from the majority of non-leading men that he and his wife see in daily life. Christian morality is beneficial, sure. But telling a non-Christian wife that she shouldn’t disrespect you because the Bible says so is not furthering Christian morality. While I don’t think that everybody who is not a Christian should be just left alone until they become one, there are consequences to seeking to impose a Christian lifestyle where Christ is not yet welcome. I know of many people (and I’m sure you do too) who were forced to attend church as children and then since they left home they have never set foot in a church again. There is a fine line there and that line IMO becomes even finer when it is one’s wife, and finer still when the marriage was built on a non-Christian foundation.
I did not say he needed to model Christ and the church to her. I said he needed to model Christ to her. She is by no means the church. If she becomes saved, than they can model Christ and the church together. His attempting to treat her the way Christ treats believers is not likely to work at all. Christ seeks to sanctify the church, but the church must be saved first. Sanctification outside of salvation is a little like the bandaid or filthy rag analogy I used previously.
AnnaMS,
Well I thank you for not rehashing things we have already discussed about discipline as it applies to wives and I appreciate your continued respectful disagreements.
I think you have spelled out our two main disagreements on this that would certainly affect how John or any other man would approach this situation if he became a believer and his wife was still an unbeliever.
1. The discipline issue(which we have hashed out before).
2. I believe the husband/wife relationship is ALWAYS a model of Christ and his Church or God and his people. Whether one spouse is saved and the other is not does not matter. The one who is a believer must play out their part in that model whether the other one does or not. For instance in I Peter 3 God tells Christian wives to show their husbands the same respect and obedience and Sarah did her husband calling him lord whether their husband is disobedient to the word(which would include unbelieving men as well as disobedient Christian husbands).
But I understand we will have to agree to disagree on this.
In response to me, you asked for some details and some ways I’m lead to lead in my marriage. While I could detail a few things about money, or children, or working or whatever, the real thing is the difference between authority and power.
Think of a traffic light at an intersection. The light distributes authority to proceed to the various vehicles in their time. So if I have a green light I go. It is more than a privilege, but even a duty to do so in fact. Meanwhile the power, however, is still in the hands (or right foot) of the drivers. So if I have a green light, but the cement truck with a red light doesn’t stop, then I don’t go. I don’t go even though I have more than a right but even a duty to go. Because to go would cause a crash.
So in my marriage I have a biblical green light to lead my wife. It is more than a right, it is a responsibility. However, if my wife refuses to yield, it would not be justified for me to crash into her in order to set things right. Because to do so would ruin my family and home.
But let me carry this a little further let’s say it’s night and the light has switched to that flashing mode where you stop and take turns with other cars. Let’s say your not lucky enough to live in the south or Midwest where people are still polite enough to wave to you and allow you your turn to go. Let’s say your in California or the east coast (like me) and they just don’t stop at all. When they wave to you they use only one finger. At this point you are going to have to assert yourself some. You will have to roll into the intersection, beep your horn, and hit the gas the second you see your chance. It is still primary not to cause a crash!!
So this second scenario is more like my marriage. The way I assert myself is I say what I feel and think. “I want to pay off this card ASAP and for us to not use it anymore. I’ll pay this amount now and I’d like you to pay that amount now.” I have no hesitation to take it and cut it up. But I’m not going to take it all the way to some government run family court in search of “justice”. When Christ rebuked the Pharisees he said ‘you tithe your mint and cumin but ignore the weightier matters of the law”. That makes sense to me and I think applies here.
On a second note, I feel hurt by my wife’s rejection. I’m lonely. Sure I have guy friends who I love dearly but it just isn’t the same. When God said it wasn’t good for man to be alone he made a woman for him, not another dude. So that loneliness can turn into anger or self pity. Think Jonah under the tree. So I have to continue to call on God to sustain me. I know he will, but I keep on praying anyway. So I pray and wait.
Stumbled across this blog and I would like to share a bit about my story
When my wife and I got married, while we both professed to be Christians, we were not living a Christian life. After we were married our lives started to change quickly, I started to see things in my wife that I was blind to before. I lot of irrational and irresponsible behavior, while I tried to confront her about these issues she would “freak” out and our lives would be thrown into chaos for a time. I quickly gave up on confronting her about her problems, i turned into a wimpy husband. This led to a lot of resentment since I was bottling things up inside and I turned to an old addiction, porn. While I knew porn was wrong, It gave me an escape from the problems in my marriage.
My life continued to be more and more unmanageable as I wasn’t able to talk to my wife about any of these things that I could see were huge problems in her life, sometimes when she could tell when something was bothering me I would tell her that what I was thinking, for example, that she was spending too much money. Even the smallest criticism or rebuke would send her into a rage full of verbal abuse and lies. Through this all my porn addiction remained but I was reaching a point of desperation in my life. One day during an argument I confessed my porn addiction to my wife, it was hard but it was so liberating. I promptly called my parents and told them about it (both strong Christians) and even wrote an email confessing my problem to all of my brothers and sisters.
At this point in my life God really opened my eyes to Him. This last year my relationship with God has grown incredibly. I no longer have any issues with porn and I put all my trust in God. This renewed relationship with God has given me the courage to confront my wife about her issues and to love her all the same. I need to be the leader of my household, not because I desire control over my wife but because God commands it. That all being said, my wife does not listen to me. She has problems with pain medication and alcohol and has been arrested for drinking and driving.
I still struggle with how to love her. I know I must love her like Jesus loves the church but I really struggle when I am saying something that I feel will guide her to the truth and she accuses me of preaching to her, being self righteous, or even trying to manipulate and control her. She has decided to move out but has no way to afford it and doesn’t even have a drivers license (even though she has decided to continue driving anyway). Everything I say or do to try and guide her to the truth is met with resistance and the most abusive tirades and condemnations. She has threatened suicide and all kinds of terrible things..
There is a lot more i could write but I think this is long enough for now.
Thanks for reading, some comments or suggestions would be great.
Jonathan,
I am glad you have decided to confront your wife’s sin. Fear holds a lot of men back from tackling sin in their marriages. Fear of sexual denial or fear of divorce often stops men dead in their tracks. I am glad you saw that and have turned things around. I know it may seem bleak with her moving out – but that is where rebellion often leads. She may return or she may not. But you must take a stand for what is right.
On the porn issue I would invite you to read this article(and the series of articles attached to it) that will give you a different perspective on porn than what you may have read elsewhere in Christian and non-Christian circles.
https://biblicalgenderroles.com/2016/10/16/christian-blogger-says-porn-is-good/