In the first part of this series, “Is Red Pill Biblical”, we have covered the Red Pill concepts of the male and female imperatives as well as the alpha/beta paradigm and the alpha mindset. In this 6th part of our series we will now discuss the Red Pill concept of frame.
In one his earliest blog posts on his blog “The Rational Male”, Rollo Tomassi writes the following in his article entitled “Frame”:
“In psych terms, frame is an often subconscious, mutually acknowledged personal narrative under which auspices people will be influenced. One’s capacity for personal decisions, choices for well-being, emotional investments, religious beliefs and political persuasions (amongst many others) are all influenced and biased by the psychological narrative ‘framework’ under which we are most apt to accept as normalcy…
One important fact to consider, before I launch into too much detail, is to understand that frame is NOT power. The act of controlling the frame may be an exercise in power for some, but let me be clear from the start that the concept of frame is who’s ‘reality’ in which you choose to operate in relation to a woman. Both gender’s internalized concept of frame is influenced by our individual acculturation, socialization, psychological conditioning, upbringing, education, etc., but be clear on this, you are either operating in your own frame or you’re operating in hers“
As we can see from Tomassi’s quote above, frame in the Red Pill world is the concept that in every relationship either the man is operating in the woman’s world view or she is operating in his.
Later in the same post he states “Her genuine (unnegotiated) desire for you hinges upon you covertly establishing this narrative for her”. Basically, he is saying the man should bring the woman into his frame without her knowing he is trying to bring her into his frame. Essentially Tomassi is calling on men to perform the Red Pill equivalent of Jedi mind tricks on women. We will get more into this in the next post on the Red Pill concept of game.
According to Red Pill, if a man attempts to bring a woman into his frame (i.e. worldview) by overt or coercive measures he defeats the central focus of Red Pill ideology – to get a woman to have “genuine (unnegotiated)” sexual desire toward him.
Tomassi writes further in this post about the way most modern marriages go when he states the following:
“In most contemporary marriages and LTR arrangements, women tend to be the de facto authority. Men seek their wive’s “permission” to attempt even the most mundane activities they’d do without an afterthought while single. I have married friends tell me how ‘fortunate’ they are to be married to such an understanding wife that she’d “allow” him to watch hockey on their guest bedroom TV,…occasionally
What these men failed to realize is that frame, like power, abhors a vacuum. In the absence of the frame security a woman naturally seeks from a masculine male, this security need forces her to provide that security for herself.”
And near the end of the post he states:
“It is vital to the health of any LTR that a man establish his frame as the basis of their living together before any formal commitment is recognized. As I stated in the beginning, frame will be fluid and conditions will influence the balance, but the overall theme of your relationship needs to be led and molded by you.”
Where Red Pill is Right in its Teachings About Frame
Red Pill is spot on that power hates a vacuum and so does a couple’s worldview. If the man does not set the worldview in the relationship, then the woman will. But the couple will either operate in the woman’s worldview or the man’s. Anything illusions of a melded worldview are just that, illusions.
Red Pill is right that a man must establish his frame from the very beginning of any relationship.
The Bible would absolutely agree with Tomassi’s statement to men that “the overall theme of your relationship needs to be led and molded by you”. God actually speaks of trying to mold his wife Israel in the Old Testament:
“O house of Israel, cannot I do with you as this potter? saith the Lord. Behold, as the clay is in the potter’s hand, so are ye in mine hand, O house of Israel.”
Jeremiah 18:6 (KJV)
Where Red Pill is Wrong in its Teachings About Frame
Red Pill is absolutely wrong in its insistence on men using covert measures to bring women into their frame. What Red Pill asks men to do with both frame and game is to engage in what the Bible calls “craftiness”. I will talk more about the Biblical view of craftiness in my next article on the Red Pill concept of game.
The Bible tells men in Ephesians 5:25 that they are to love their wives “even as Christ also loved the church” and in Revelation 3:19 we see how Christ loved his churches when he states “As many as I love, I rebuke and chasten: be zealous therefore, and repent”.
Red Pill rejects the overt measures of rebuking and disciplining a woman that the Bible calls all husbands to. A Christian man should always speak plainly to any woman he is with about his worldview and what he expects of her before he will consider courting her for marriage.
I have a friend of mine whose son recently married. But before he married his wife, they had kind of a rocky dating relationship. They actually broke up twice before getting back together a third time and then getting engaged and eventually married.
The reason they broke up is because his son was establishing his frame during the dating relationship, his Christian world view, including his belief in Biblical gender roles and the man being the head of the woman in all things. If she would rebel against his leadership on any issue, he would send her away and wait for her to come back and repent. Each time she attempted to take control of the frame or really the worldview under which their relationship would operate, he would remind her that as a couple they would operate in his worldview or they would not be a couple at all.
Red Pill is right that women deep down want men to establish the frame of their relationship. Some women will of course test the man’s resolve but eventually submit to his worldview. But where Red Pill is wrong is that this is not true for all women. There are some women who will constantly battle to control the frame of their relationship with a man. And some will not reveal their true intent to control the frame until after marriage.
From a Christian perspective we can explain this behavior in women as greater and lesser degrees of the corruption of their God given feminine natures. Remember that God’s original design of woman was for her to submit to and serve man. In the context of this discussion of frame, God meant for women to operate within the frame of a man, first her father and then finally her husband. But sin corrupted a woman’s nature (as it did man’s) and it still does today.
Going back to the young man who recently married. He established his frame in a very overt way. He made it plain to her what his expectations were of her. She tested him several times and each time he sent her away. Eventually she came back after learning that she could move his resolve on these things and she loved and respected him for standing his ground. Now there are other women who would have left him and never returned. Again, it all comes down to the level of corruption of the woman’s nature.
We have already mentioned this previously in this series but we must mention it again here. Red Pill makes the entire point of a man’s life to covertly cause women to genuinely desire and want sex with him. But that is not the point of a man’s life from a Biblical perspective.
God created man to image him and thereby bring him glory (1 Corinthians 11:7). A man’s powerful driving sexual desire is certainly a part of his God given nature and man displays certain aspects of God’s nature in his sexual desire for woman. But man was created to image God in far more ways than just his sexual desire toward woman.
God created the woman for the man (1 Corinthians 11:9) so that man could image God as a husband in marriage and father to his children. God says in 1 Timothy 3:4 that a man must be “One that ruleth well his own house, having his children in subjection with all gravity”.
The Red Pill concept of frame, that a man must establish his worldview as the one he and any potential woman he marries will live in is a Biblical concept. God says that the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church and that women are to be subject to their husbands in everything (Ephesians 5:23-24). He tells men that they are to love their wives as Christ loves his church and an essential part of Christ’s love for his church is his rebuking and disciplining of his church (Revelation 3:19). The scriptures tell us of wives in 1 Corinthians 14:35 “if they will learn any thing, let them ask their husbands at home”. The man is to set the worldview for the woman. That is the plain teaching of the Bible.
However, the Bible and Red Pill part ways when it comes to the method for a man to establish frame in a relationship with a woman and the reason for his establishing frame in the first place.
Red Pill encourages men to use covert and subtle means to bring women into their frame while the Bible discourages craftiness for Christians (2 Corinthians 4:2). The Bible tells us in Proverbs 27:5 “Open rebuke is better than secret love”. Men should speak plainly and establish the parameters of their relationship early with potential wives. And after marriage they should use instruction, rebuke and discipline to keep their wives within their frame (worldview).
Red Pill sees the entire reason for men trying to get women into their frame is to invoke “genuine (unnegotiated)” sexual desire toward them. But as Christian men the only “LTR” we are authorized to enter into with a woman is marriage. And our purpose for entering into marriage is more than getting a woman to genuinely desire us sexually.
I am not saying there is anything wrong with a man wanting a woman to genuinely sexually desire him. God wants his people to genuinely desire him. But a man who understands his purpose in God’s creation understands that his establishing of frame with a woman is not simply to get laid.
Marriage is about imaging or displaying the relationship between God and his people, between Christ and his Church. It is about a man demonstrating all the attributes of God with his life including his love for his people. Some of those attributes include teaching, rebuking and disciplining one’s wife and children. Other attributes include showing them grace, mercy and compassion as well as providing for them, sacrificing for them and protecting them.
So, should you as a man establish frame in a relationship with a woman you are looking at as a potential spouse? Certainly. Should you continue to keep her in that frame when you are married? Absolutely. Is it possible your woman will appreciate and even find your more sexually desirable for establishing frame with her? Yes. But there are some women who will not respect you as a man trying to establish frame with them. They will resist at every turn. Others will pretend to be in your frame and only when you are married, they will attempt to take control of the frame of your relationship.
And as you set about to establish frame with a woman, you should do it using God’s methods, not Red Pill’s methods. And you should never forget the overarching reason you are called by God to establish frame in your woman’s life in the first place.