Is the Silent Treatment Always Wrong?

“Dear BGR, my husband sometimes goes to sleep on the couch in his man-cave-office when he is angry at me for something I have done toward him. Even the next day he will speak very little if any to me basically giving me the silent treatment.
Sometimes we may have had a heated discussion or argument which we could not resolve but other times it is just that he felt I was disrespectful to him in something I said or did. Sometimes it is because I turned him down for sex when I am not in the mood.
If I apologize to him then he will return to our bed and our relationship will return to normal. If I do not apologize, this (him sleeping in his man-cave-office) can go on for several days, even sometimes a week before he will finally stop his silent treatment and return to our bed without me apologizing.

I must admit that in most cases this does work and gets me to the point of apologizing to him for whatever wrong he thinks I committed. There are some times I don’t think I did anything wrong and I think he is just being too sensitive so I let him stay in his man-cave-office until he finally comes back to our bed a few days or even a week later.

Either way, I don’t think this is a healthy thing for our relationship. I think it is childish and manipulative. Does the Bible approve of husbands giving their wives the silent treatment to get them to admit fault and ask forgiveness?

Lisa”

There are some in Christianity and even outside of Christianity that believe to give someone the silent treatment is always wrong, no matter the circumstances under which it occurs.

However, there are many things in life that can be right or wrong depending on the circumstances under which they occur. Some of my fellow conservative Christian brothers reject this concept calling it “situational ethics”. But the truth of the Scriptures is that the same action can be right or wrong depending on the circumstances under which that action occurs.

Consider the following rule in the Old Testament regarding a man killing a thief:
“1 If a man shall steal an ox, or a sheep, and kill it, or sell it; he shall restore five oxen for an ox, and four sheep for a sheep. 2 If a thief be found breaking up, and be smitten that he die, there shall no blood be shed for him. 3 If the sun be risen upon him, there shall be blood shed for him; for he should make full restitution; if he have nothing, then he shall be sold for his theft.”
Exodus 22:1-3 (KJV)

The passage above tells us if a man breaks in at night to a person’s home and the home owner kills him at night this is not a crime and is considered a justified killing. But if a person kills a thief in their home by day, then it is considered murder.

The reason a person could justly kill a thief breaking in at night is because under the cover of darkness you cannot tell what a person’s intentions are. They could be there to harm you or your family, or simply to steal. But in the day light you can see exactly why they are there for and if they are just there to steal – they can be apprehended, but not killed. And it tells us the thief must make restitution for what he was trying to steal which could be 4 to 5 times the value of whatever he was going to steal. If he could not pay this penalty, then he would be sold as an indentured servant for 6 years and in the 7th year he would have to be freed (Deuteronomy 15:12).

The point is, whether an action is right or wrong often depends on the situation under which it occurs.

Now we will tackle a word often associated with the silent treatment and that is one Lisa mentioned which is “manipulative”. Can the silent treatment be a form of manipulation? Yes. If it is a person under authority trying to change their authority’s behavior by doing something that makes life difficult for their authority then yes it can very much be a form of manipulation and a wrong behavior.

For example, think of the child who holds their breath until their parent gives them what they want? Or what if the child refuses to eat until they get what they want? Or they cry until they get what they want?

And of course, if a child engages in the silent treatment toward their parents until the parents give in and give them what they want this would be a classic form of manipulation and is absolutely wrong from a Biblical perspective as children are commanded to obey their parents.
“Children, obey your parents in the Lord: for this is right.”
Ephesians 6:1 (KJV)

In the same way if a wife were to give her husband the silent treatment until he gave her what she wanted, whether it is agreeing to her position from an argument they had or just giving her an apology such behavior toward her husband would also be a form of manipulation toward her husband and is condemned by the Scriptures. The Bible also commands wives to obey their husbands:
“5 For after this manner in the old time the holy women also, who trusted in God, adorned themselves, being in subjection unto their own husbands: 6 Even as Sara obeyed Abraham, calling him lord: whose daughters ye are, as long as ye do well, and are not afraid with any amazement.”
I Peter 3:5-6 (KJV)

The same Greek word is used for both children and wives in regard to their relationship with their fathers and husbands. The Greek word “Hupakouo” is translated “obey” in Ephesians 6:1 for children toward their parents and “obeyed” in I Peter 3:6 referring to a wife’s behavior toward her husband.

God wants women to be obedient to their husbands just as he wants children to be obedient to their parents.

Does this mean husbands are always right in what they say or do? Of course not. They are sinners just as women are. And there are some extreme conditions where a wife may have to choose between obeying God and obeying her husband and in such cases Acts 5:9 tells us that women should “obey God rather than men.”

But a wife does not have the right to disobey her husband simply because he acts in any sinful way toward her or he sins against God. In fact, the beginning of I Peter chapter 3 teaches that wives are to have submissive spirits toward their husbands who sin against God:
“Likewise, ye wives, be in subjection to your own husbands; that, if any obey not the word, they also may without the word be won by the conversation of the wives; 2 While they behold your chaste conversation coupled with fear.”
I Peter 3:1-2 (KJV)

In other words, just because a woman’s husband sins against her or against this does not invalidate his God given position of authority over her as her husband.

Now someone might say “What about I Peter 3:4?”:
“4 But let it be the hidden man of the heart, in that which is not corruptible, even the ornament of a meek and quiet spirit, which is in the sight of God of great price.”

There is a difference between a woman having a “meek and quiet spirit” toward her husband and her giving him the silent treatment. One type of quietness comes from a woman’s spirit of reverence, submission and love toward her husband and the other comes from spite.

Here is the point we have clearly established from the Bible. There is stark contrast between a woman using the silent treatment toward her husband to control him and thus control their relationship and a woman winning her husband to God without a word by her pure and reverent behavior.

And now we come to the question at the center of Lisa’s email to me.

Is it Wrong for a Husband to Use the Silent Treatment with His Wife?

As I said in the beginning of this article, the silent treatment can be wrong or right depending on the circumstances under which it occurs. The Bible gives husbands the following command toward their wives:
“Husbands, love your wives, and be not bitter against them.”
Colossians 3:19 (KJV)

If a husband’s silent treatment toward his wife comes from a place of bitterness toward her then his silent treatment toward her is wrong.

However, the Bible show us that God as a husband to Israel used the silent treatment as one of his methods of discipline toward his wife:
“1 Behold, the Lord’s hand is not shortened, that it cannot save; neither his ear heavy, that it cannot hear: 2 But your iniquities have separated between you and your God, and your sins have hid his face from you, that he will not hear.”
Isaiah 59:1-2 (KJV)
“If my people, which are called by my name, shall humble themselves, and pray, and seek my face, and turn from their wicked ways; then will I hear from heaven, and will forgive their sin, and will heal their land.”
II Chronicles 7:14 (KJV)

And we as husbands are called to follow Christ’s example toward his church in washing our wives with the Word as he does his Church:
“25 Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it; 26 That he might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word, 27 That he might present it to himself a glorious church, not having spot, or wrinkle, or any such thing; but that it should be holy and without blemish.”
Ephesians 5:25-27 (KJV)

Also, we as husbands are called to rebuke and discipline our wives as Christ does his churches:
“As many as I love, I rebuke and chasten: be zealous therefore, and repent.”
Revelation 3:19 (KJV)

But we must also remember as husbands that God forgives sin and shows mercy:
“Who is a God like unto thee, that pardoneth iniquity, and passeth by the transgression of the remnant of his heritage? he retaineth not his anger for ever, because he delighteth in mercy.”
Micah 7:18 (KJV)

We as Christian husbands must follow God’s example in not holding on to our anger forever, no matter how righteous that anger might be. The Scriptures tell us the following regarding righteous anger:
Be ye angry, and sin not: let not the sun go down upon your wrath
Ephesians 4:26 (KJV)

So even if our wife does not apologize, we need to let our anger go. However that does not mean our wife is free from the consequences of her actions. We as husbands can continue disciplinary action whatever that may be long after our anger has subsided.

But we must also show our wives that while we may sleep in another room for a few nights that we will never forsake them just as Christ will never forsake his church:
“Teaching them to observe all things whatsoever I have commanded you: and, lo, I am with you always, even unto the end of the world. Amen.”
Matthew 28:20 (KJV)

Conclusion

Let’s review a key statement from Lisa’s email to me that cannot be overlooked:

“Sometimes we may have had a heated discussion or argument which we could not resolve but other times it is just that he felt I was disrespectful to him in something I said or did.”

This statement by Lisa makes it clear that her husband is not unwilling to have a basic conversation with her. But when the argument goes on and on and they cannot agree or she begins to start acting disrespectful toward him during the discussion this is when he shuts the discussion down and exits the discussion.

This is actually good as in most cases it is counterproductive to keep a discussion going when it gets too heated and keeps going around and around.

Of course, we will also have people saying “So you think a wife can never tell her husband what she thinks?” and I can assure you that nothing could be further from the truth.

The Bible tells us of the virtuous wife in Proverbs 31:26 that “in her tongue is the law of kindness” and it also tells us in Proverbs 12:4 that she is never one to “maketh ashamed” her husband. The Bible also tells us in Proverbs 19:14 that “a prudent wife is from the Lord” and then it tells us in Proverbs 21:19 that “It is better to dwell in the wilderness, than with a contentious and an angry woman”.

My point is that there is nothing wrong with a wife sharing a different point of view with her husband as long as it done with kindness and respect. But there is a big difference between a wife kindly sharing a different point of view with her husband and her entering into a contentious argument with him. The first type of behavior is to be commended; the second type of behavior should be condemned.

And now we come to a husband’s use of the silent treatment in response to his wife’s contentious spirit with him.

The Scriptures tell us in Proverbs 21:9 that “It is better to dwell in a corner of the housetop, than with a brawling woman in a wide house.” We can directly relate this to our discussion and say based on the Scriptures it is better for a husband to go to his “man-cave-office” then to dwell with his brawling wife elsewhere in the house.

And the silent treatment can be a very effective tool especially with women. Why? Because most women are “Empathizers” (as confirmed by a recent Cambridge study of over 671,000 men and women ) meaning that they are driven to know the thoughts and feelings of those around them and especially the thoughts and feelings of their husbands.

In other words, in most cases, it will drive a wife nuts when she does not know what her husband is thinking. And in a lot of cases she will do anything it takes to remedy the situation to restore communications with her husband.

But then again sometimes a wife will remain in her stubborn sinful state, and sometimes we as husbands may be called to show mercy after some time apart or perhaps switch to a different disciplinary technique.

And finally, I just want to quickly address this other key statement by Lisa:

“Sometimes it is because I turned him down for sex when I am not in the mood.”

A woman turning her husband down for sex simply because she is “not in the mood” as opposed to having some serious medical condition is a serious violation of her marriage covenant:
“3 Let the husband render unto the wife due benevolence: and likewise also the wife unto the husband. 4 The wife hath not power of her own body, but the husband: and likewise also the husband hath not power of his own body, but the wife.”
I Corinthians 7:3-4 (KJV)

Men primarily give and receive love in marriage through sex. It is what bonds them to their wife. Where as women primarily give and receive love by talking and sharing feelings and this is how women feel bonded to their husbands. This is not to say that men cannot feel bonded to their wives by talking and sharing feelings nor is this to say women don’t feel bonded to their husbands through sex. But we are talking about primary means of bonding verses secondary means of bonding which are different in men and women.

Ladies, let me translate this for you. Imagine you had a rough day with the kids and lots of other things going on at home. You can’t wait to put the kids to bed and just talk and share your day with your husband and also find out about his day. So, you get the kids to bed and slip into bed with your husband. You start talking to him about your day and he stops you “Babe, I am really not in the mood tonight” and then he rolls over and goes to sleep.

That frustration you would feel as a woman if your husband did this to you is exactly what a man feels when his wife tells him she is not in the mood for sex.

So, Lisa – yes God absolutely approves of your husband using the silent treatment with you as long as he does not let a root of bitterness grow in his heart. And by your own admission, it often works to bring you to repentance as you seek to restore your fellowship with your husband.

15 thoughts on “Is the Silent Treatment Always Wrong?

  1. My husband also sometimes gives me the silent treatment after an argument or when I made a nasty remark. It’s partly because he needs time to calm down, but it’s also one of his ways to show me when my behaviour really annoys him. He’ll usually warn me before he withdraws. Like with Lisa it also works with me most of the time, unless I’m convinced I did nothing wrong. The silent treatment is very uncomfortable for me because the negative feelings from our dispute will just linger *and* I’m left to deal with them all by myself without his loving support. I’d actually prefer if he gave me a simple slap in the face like my parents used to do over being ignored. The negative feelings would vanish more quickly and I could just move on.

  2. In the description of Lisa’s husband above, I see no sin whatsoever in his actions. When we sin against God, we break fellowship with Him. When you sin against your husband Lisa, YOU break fellowship with your husband. Having a contentious heated argument with your husband is SIN. Denying your husband sex just because you are “not in the mood” is SIN. No question, both of those are clearly sin against your husband and against God. Lisa, go and sin no more!!!!

    I have a couple of suggestions for Lisa’s husband… and any other husband in this position.
    1. Send your wife off to sleep in another bed or on the couch. I find that to be more effective. If she doubles down on her sin and refuses to obey you then you going is the 2nd choice.
    2. If this is not working, (if she is not making progress over time) ramp up the discipline and start taking away other things she values until she quits contenting with you, being disrespectful to you and denying you sex (for no good reason).
    3. Denial of sex by a wife is the ultimate form of disrespect and control of her husband. If she has denied you sex (for no good reason), sex should be required before she is allowed back into your marriage bed. Oral sex while on her knees before you seems very appropriate and swallowing is a must. Spitting you out is also a form of disrespect.
    4. Apology vs asking for forgiveness. Husbands, insist that your wife humble herself, confess her sin to you (very specifically) and ask for your forgiveness. This is a huge difference over her just saying that she was “sorry” and will have much stronger effect toward eliminating the sinful behaviour for good. This of course applies to your sin toward her also. It is what God requires of us. (1 John 1:9)

    This might sound counterproductive but once she has the security of knowing that you are a strong enough man to handle her and to (lovingly) put her in her place when necessary, she will feel more secure and confident in you and your marriage and she will WANT to submit to you and serve you more and EVERYTHING about the marriage will get better and she will be much, much happier. Experience talking here.

    For Lisa, the sooner you quit SINNING by being a contentious wife and quit SINNING by denying your husband sex, the better off you and your marriage will be and you can become a valued and cherished HELPER to your husband instead of the tolerated, hindrance that you are currently being right now.

  3. Trey,
    You say, “Oral sex while on her knees before you seems very appropriate and swallowing is a must. Spitting you out is also a form of disrespect.”

    Why would swallowing be a “must,” and spitting be “disrespect”? How is it you have come to that conclusion? And how is a husband going to force his wife not to spit?
    To me, the fact that sperm are a man’s seed and when combined with a woman’s egg will create a baby, makes the thought of a woman swallowing it absolutely repugnant.

  4. Don’t know about 1,2, &4 but 3 is totally wrong. Lisa should not allow her husband to put his penis in her mouth (or anus for that matter). This is sodomy or, at best, sodomitic mimicry. Her husband’s penis and semen belongs in her vagina not her digestive tract. If Lisa is reading this: you are NOT to obey your husband in this – obey God first.

  5. I don’t like the idea of giving a girl the silent treatment. I’d much sooner give her a slap and deal with it immediately. I’d rather not lose out on enjoying my wife for however long it takes for the silent treatment to take effect.

  6. So a wife is arguing with her husband. All stop!

    If she continues to argue, that is after expressing her disagreement she then fails to submit to her husband’s rule she is in rebellion against God’s structure for the home and is in sin. She is contending not just with her husband, the head of her marriage, but with Christ the Head of all things. Her actions cannot produce good fruit, only sorrow and regret.

    When she is not “in the mood” she is sinning against her husband and most likely causing him deep heart ache and emotional pain so deep he cannot put it into words. Silence is the natural result when no words can communicate and the attempt to express them is met with scornful words such as “You only ever think about one thing – sex”. God intended oneness for marriage but it has been suspended for individuality, the rule of God for the feminist rule of “Our bodies our selves”. Such a wife is by her defrauding denying that she is not her own she has been bought with a price. IE she is denying the Lordship of Christ in her life and her husband’s authority over her body.

    A wife that contending with her husband ,is not submitting to her husband and a wife that is sexually defrauding her husband is planting the seeds of bitterness and failure. A wife has great power to influence her own happiness in marriage, too bad the older women won’t teach her how. The older women would rather teach her how to be headstrong with moxie and exercise “girl power”. What she plants she will reap, plant seeds of love and contentment, bear a harvest of joy. Plant seeds of defrauding and quarreling and reap the bitterness of a lonely life of regret.

  7. AngloSaxon,

    Each man has to use a different set of discipline tools with his wife because each woman is different. For instance, I see no Scriptural problem with wife spanking, yet I do not use this method with my wife.

    In all our marriage I have never raised a hand to her, not because I think it would be wrong to do so, but because with her it would not accomplish the intended results. Some women are highly responsive to a slap when they are being disrespectful or even a spanking. But others would be on the phone to the police and you would be in jail for such behavior. This is where we as Bible believing Christian husbands must be “wise as serpents” as Matthew 10:6 states.

    Again not saying it is wrong, but we must be well aware of the wicked world we live in and gage the type of woman we are married to when exercising our rights as husbands.
    For my wife, because of her background, I have opted for 100% non-physical discipline.

    And no, contrary to what some crazy feminist writer has recently said about me, I do not deny my wife medications or use her medications to control her moods. I keep her medications locked in a safe and give them to her as prescribed by her doctors daily because she has abused her pain medications in the past(overused them) and her doctor has asked me to do this. In fact he insists I come to each appointment with her to confirm with me she is not using other medications and just the ones he prescribes.

    So when you are dealing with a wife and not using physical discipline, the silent treatment is a powerful tool. I agree that a slap on the face or a spanking would be much faster, but it is not an viable option with all wives.

  8. Speaking as a Southern Baptist Pastor’s wife:

    I have no problem with wives submitting to their husbands and Biblical roles in marriage. I agree couples shouldn’t deny each other sex unless they are ill or have a medical condition or temporarily after surgery/childbirth.

    I’m appalled, though, that there are men who think it is OK to strike a woman. Nowhere does the Bible say that is acceptable. In fact it says the opposite in Col. 3:19 telling husbands not to be harsh with their wives. Wives are not children. Scripture tells a man to go to the corner of the roof (get away) if his wife is nagging and being contentious.

    The silent treatment? OK because that can keep a conflict from escalating and allows a person ‘time to cool off.

    I’m no feminist. I do submit to and obey my husband however, if he ever put a hand on me I would defend myself. He would find the closest object in my reach upside his head.

  9. Michelle,

    First the Bible does not tell men not to be harsh with their wives in Col. 3:19. Most people get the word “harsh” from the NIV and few modern translations that have it this way Col. 3:19:

    “Husbands, love your wives and do not be harsh with them.”
    (NIV)

    “Husbands, love your wives, and be not bitter against them.”
    (KJV)

    The word “bitter” is the most literal translation of the Greek word “Pikraino” which literally means “to make bitter” refering to a bitter taste or bitter stomach. In the context in which it is used it has to do a man becoming resentful and unforgiving toward his wife. The NIV is wrong in its translation and more literal translations like the KJV and NASB are right in translating it with “bitter” or “embittered”.

    Now does that mean I think it is OK for men to be harsh(i.e. cruel or severe) with their wives? No. We as Christians should not be harsh or cruel toward anyone, not our children and certainly not our wife. But then you have define what is cruel or severe.

    Is it cruel or severe for a parent to spank their child? If your child was getting in your face contending with you and be rebellious and nasty toward you challenging your authority over them and you gave them a controlled open palmed slap on the cheek why would that be harsh? I am betting you would say the answer is this is not harsh treatment of a parent toward a child under those circumstances.

    So then we must ask, why is a controlled spanking or an opened handed smack on the cheek from a husband toward his wife in a moment when she is being contentious and disrespectful in his face considered harsh?

    Do you accept the Biblical proposition that a husband not only has the right, but the Biblical obligation to discipline his wife? It does not have to be physical discipline, but that is one option of discipline a man has.

    Consider Christ’s Word’s toward his churches:

    “As many as I love, I rebuke and chasten: be zealous therefore, and repent.”
    Revelation 3:19 (KJV)

    To chasten is to discipline as the modern translations correctly translate it. If a man loves his wife, he will discipline her or wash her as Christ does his Church:

    “25 Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it;
    26 That he might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word,
    27 That he might present it to himself a glorious church, not having spot, or wrinkle, or any such thing; but that it should be holy and without blemish.”
    Ephesians 5:25-27

    A husband must sometimes give up his own happiness to call out his wife’s sin. To wash her with the Word of God. And he must also follow Christ’s example in chastening his wife as Christ does his churches.

    Now as I said in a comment on this thread – I have never raised a hand to my wife in all our marriage. But it is not because I believe to do so would be morally wrong or treating my wife as a child. Part of the reason is because of how my wife was raised and that is similar to you. She believes if a man ever lays a hand on a woman, even for discipline, this is wrong and she would calling her parents and the cops. But also the other part is my father disciplined my mother in non-physical ways and that is the style I am most comfortable with.

    But some women are familiar with and accepting of physical discipline toward wives. They witnessed it with their father and mother or they have opened their eyes to the Scriptures and now find it acceptable and right. I have had many women writing me and occasionally they comment here about it. If you check out my article “Does the Bible Allow a Husband to Spank his Wife?” you will see a woman named Tina, one of several women who write me or make comments that fully accepts the concept of physical discipline for wives by their husbands.

    I hope you will read that article I just referenced in its entirety and be open to what God actually says. Physical discipline is not just for children, it is for adults as well.

  10. Yes that’s very true you have to do whats best for your wife in your situation. I was just stating my own personal preference.

    Foolish women fail to realise that by calling the police on men who discipline their wives they discourage men from bothering with marriage in the first place. It’s not like its hard to find women who will sleep with you outside of marriage.

  11. BGR,
    I have no problem with oral sex what so ever. I think it’s wonderful. I find the idea of a woman swallowing repugnant but I wouldn’t tell someone else it was wrong for them to do in their marriage. I also wouldn’t tell someone that their wife MUST do it. That’s bound to not turn out so well in a lot of cases. I think there’s a problem if you’re forcing your wife to swallow against her will because as in my case it’s just not something I could ever deal with. But hey maybe a wife will be receptive to her husband if he forces such a thing on her. I get to choose what I ingest or not. I wouldn’t take that choice away from someone I’m supposed to love and care for. Sometimes I wonder if that kind of advice comes from actual successful marriage experience or just someone’s fantasy. Husbands should not FORCE their wives to do such things EVER. What do you hope to accomplish by FORCING her to swallow? I can guarantee if she is apposed to it and you force her to do it you will be causing a bigger problem than whatever you were already dealing with.

  12. >Foolish women fail to realise that by calling the police on men who discipline their
    >wives they discourage men from bothering with marriage in the first place. It’s not
    >like its hard to find women who will sleep with you outside of marriage.

    To me this is the ultimate betrayal, just as bad as sexual adultery. If a wife calls other men to come against her husband by phoning the police to come to her side, then to me she is no different than Israel calling on false gods. It is adultery and would be an absolute end to the marriage. My attitude would be, if those men are who you call for help, then you can look them for everything.

  13. Lost&Found,
    Nowhere in what I said is the word FORCE. For the record, I do not advocate that a husband ever tries to physically force his wife to do anything unless it is to push her of of the way of an oncoming vehicle or pull her back from the edge of a cliff to save her life. In the current environment that we live in, physically forcing anyone to do anything (even if you are trying to help them) might land you in jail and it really would not serve the purpose I was trying to convey. The Bible tells wives to submit to their husbands, it does not tell husbands to physically subjugate their wives.

    I wrote what I wrote for a purpose but I can see that some missed the point. Allow me to elaborate. My suggestions were not for a husband to be unloving toward his wife but for him to BE loving. You see God tells us that discipline is done out of love. The root of the word discipline means to train.

    The problem is that you can’t train or teach a proud person anything and a lot of women’s sin comes from their unhealthy pride. The Bible has a lot to say about pride. One of the things is that pride comes before the fall in that if we do not humble ourselves, God will humble us and he does this for our good. It says that out of humility comes wisdom. You can’t teach a proud person anything. If they are to learn, humility must be there first having displaced the pride. So if a husband is to be able to teach (train) his wife and wash those spots and blemishes from her, he often will have to deal with the pride first and what I wrote was toward that end.

    It would do no good and likely do harm for a husband to forcibly humiliate his wife but much good can come from a husband leading his wife into humility by instructing her to do things that would require humility on her part to comply with.

    If a husband does not tell his wife specifically what he wants her to do, then she cannot receive the blessing (and benefit of the training) from obedience or the curse for disobedience. You see I have observed that when my wife was being contentious and/or disobedient and arguing with me, if I went and slept on the couch, it seemed to give her some since of satisfaction that she won the argument and drove me out of the bedroom, but when I learned to remain calm and not get drawn into a heated argument with her (it takes two to tango) that began to change the dynamic. Further, when I started instructing my wife to go and sleep on the couch or in the guest bedroom, most of the time she would comply and that seemed to have much more of a humbling effect on her and she would tend to return and apologize for her misbehavior the next morning. This act of her having to go sleep somewhere else seemed to have a humbling effect on her and it tended to LEAD HER to repentance. Now, just as I said, if the wife refused to go sleep elsewhere, then the husband should go but I did not suggest that the husband FORCE his wife to go sleep elsewhere.

    The same goes with the issue of a wife sinning by denying her husband sex for no good reason. The husband should send her sleep elsewhere and then when things have calmed down tell her that she is welcome back into their bed once she has humbled herself and asked for forgiveness and repented. In the case of sinful sexual refusal, repentance could only come in the form of having sex with her husband.

    I suggested that it would be appropriate for the husband (to help to instill some humility into his wife by) instructing her to perform oral sex kneeling before him. I suggested this because the act of kneeling before someone is an act of humility. I also, (possibly not the wisest thing I have ever said) suggested that the husband tell her that she should swallow, as that for some women, would also be a further form of humility and a sign of respect. My use of the word “must” there was not the best choice but I never said that a husband was to FORCE his wife to do that either.

    Honestly any sex would be repentance but SHE would receive much more benefit by going the extra mile to do what I suggested. He should make his wishes know and if she obeys them fully then she will receive full blessing (and benefit) from her obedience, if she obeys partially, the she will receive partial blessing and benefit. But understand this, a husband doing this (for the right motives) is actually acting in his wife’s best interest and is an act of love.

    For the (educated) record, science tells us that there is nothing unhealthy about semen in a normal healthy man. In fact it is actually just vitamins, sugars and protiens that are actually healthy to ingest.

  14. Trey,

    Your Statement:

    “Nowhere in what I said is the word FORCE. For the record, I do not advocate that a husband ever tries to physically force his wife to do anything unless it is to push her of the way of an oncoming vehicle or pull her back from the edge of a cliff to save her life. In the current environment that we live in, physically forcing anyone to do anything (even if you are trying to help them) might land you in jail and it really would not serve the purpose I was trying to convey.”

    I agree you did not say anything about physically forcing her to perform oral sex. I have written on this blog multiple times that I do see the “humbling” or forcing of a woman to be a Biblical concept I very much agree with you in our current culture and environment it is not wise to exercise this right as it will most likely land a man in jail. And I see myriads of non-physical ways that a man discipline his wife and compel her repentance and obedience without him laying a finger on her.

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