Feminists and even some women who would not consider themselves feminists believe it is selfish for a man to have sex with his wife, knowing she is not in the mood. In fact some claim if a man has sex with his wife when she is not the mood this is rape. This is a question that many Christian men are afraid to ask. Here we will try to answer this very important question, from a Biblical perspective.
I have several “disclaimers” on this hot topic throughout the post but I will put this most important one at the top in red so one thing is crystal clear since I have been falsely accused of promoting rape and physical abuse to women:
I have not, nor would I EVER advocate for a husband to force himself physically upon his wife or to physically abuse her in any fashion. The issue being discussed here is about whether a man should take sex from his wife IF and ONLY IF she yields to his request for sex, even though she does so grudgingly and is not really in the mood, or does not feel he has earned it.
In our last post in this series on “How to be a godly husband”, we established the fact that as a Christian husband you do not have earn sex with your wife, any more than your wife has to earn sex with you. I took a beating from several people, even from some Christians who might 95% agree with me, because they thought I was not adding enough disclaimers about this right of sex in marriage.
But I stand by what I wrote, I feel that today we make far too many excuses for the sin of sexual denial in marriage, and as men of God we must address this issue without pulling punches.
In my last post “Christian Husbands – You don’t pay for the milk when you own the cow!” I did add some disclaimers at the end that some people missed about this issue of sexual denial:
“The answer to this question is a Christian wife should never give her husband a flat no, BUT she can humbly and gently ask for a delay. There may be legitimate physical or mental issues that might prompt your wife to ask you for a delay. But this must be done humbly and respectfully, and always with the attitude in mind that her body does belong to her husband.”
There are also “disclaimers” sections here you will see as you read on reasons a wife might not be in the mood.
Now we need to establish the key Biblical teachings about sex.
Sex is both a Right and a Responsibility in marriage
Moses, speaking under the direct inspiration of God was the first to speak of the importance of sex in marriage:
“If he takes an additional wife, he must not reduce the food, clothing, or marital rights of the first wife. And if he does not do these three things for her, she may leave free of charge, without any exchange of money.” – Exodus 21:10-11(HCSB)
The phrase translated in English as “marital rights”, literally refers to conjugal rights – Sex.
In this passage, Moses establishes sex as the right of a wife, and the responsibility of a husband.
The Apostle Paul later in the New Testament, elaborates on this right and responsibility of sex in marriage making it clear that both husbands and wives have the right TO and responsibility FOR sex in marriage:
“A wife does not have the right over her own body, but her husband does. In the same way, a husband does not have the right over his own body, but his wife does. Do not deprive one another sexually—except when you agree for a time, to devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again; otherwise, Satan may tempt you because of your lack of self-control.” – I Corinthians 7:4-5(HCSB)
The phrase “A wife does not have the right over her own body, but her husband does.” could not be clearer. A wife does not have the right to stand and deny her husband access to her body. As I said in the previous post, a wife can humbly ask for a “delay”, or “raincheck”, but only for legitimate physical or psychological reasons and the judge of what is legitimate or not is her husband.
Not only does the Apostle Paul start out with the sexual rights and responsibility of both men and women in marriage, he then tells us that if we disobey God by denying the sexual rights of our spouse, we open our marriage to temptation and danger.
The Apostle Paul pulls no punches here, Christian couples should only abstain from sex for short, mutually agreed upon periods of time. Christian husbands and wives should regularly be having sex. Not having sex for a long length of time, should be the exception, and not the norm in a Christian marriage.
But sex is supposed to be about feelings not duty right?
I understand to people who have not read the Scriptures, everything I have stated up to this point and in previous posts in these series seems cold, and unfeeling. But you need to understand that our modern western culture has the idea of marriage and sex backwards from God’s design.
This the Modern Western formula regarding sex:
Feelings of fondness between a man and a woman leads to sex
This is God’s formula regarding sex:
Sex leads to feelings of fondness between a man and a woman
Some people might respond to this saying “it is not always true that sex leads to fondness between a man and a woman” and they would be right. But let’s consider why it would not. I have one word for you – its called pride. A wife may actually be more annoyed at her husband after sex, then she was before if she does not release her feelings of pride during sex and give herself fully, both mind and body to her husband.
Exercising the right and responsibility of sex in marriage results in feelings of fondness between a man and a woman ONLY when both the man and the woman humble themselves first before God, and then before each other, realizing he has given their bodies to one another.
I am not saying it’s wrong that married couples have sex when they have feelings of fondness toward each other. This is a good thing and what we want to see in our marriages. But we must be careful that we don’t over time come to think that this is a prerequisite of sex, but rather we see it as a benefit of sex in marriage.
You as a husband are NOT being selfish for initiating sex with your wife
You are not being selfish when you act on your God given sexual urges and initiate sex with your wife. Even if your wife is not in the mood, but she yields to your advance anyway, you ought to take it.
It is not selfish for you as husband to do what God commands you to do in his Word:
“18 Let thy fountain be blessed: and rejoice with the wife of thy youth. 19 Let her be as the loving hind and pleasant roe; let her breasts satisfy thee at all times; and be thou ravished always with her love.”
Proverbs 5:18-19 (KJV)
God commands men to find sexual satisfaction in their wife’s body “at all times”.
You should NEVER, EVER feel guilty for initiating sex with your wife.
Remember this principle when it comes to sex in your marriage. It is not just you, or your wife that need sex as individuals, but your marriage needs sex. While sex levels may go up and down from time to time, when sex completely ceases in a marriage the marriage will die. Sure you may still live together, but the connection between the two of you will be gone, and you both will expose yourselves to dangerous and sinful temptations by doing so.
Let me also be clear, that much of this advice I am giving to you is for Christian couples, where both the husband and wife profess faith in Christ, and believe the Bible is the Word of God. See my next post 8 steps to confront your wife’s sexual refusal where some of the steps could also apply to an unbelieving wife.
What I mean by “not in the mood” and by “you ought to take it”
The haters of the fact that God says sex is to occur if either the husband or wife want it will immediately scream “Rape” when I tell you as a Christian husband, that you ought to take the sex from your wife even if she is not in the mood.
The little phrase they neglect that I have stated is “if she yields”.
I am NOT advocating for a husband to physically force his wife to have sex with him.
I will address the situation if she does not yield in my next post.
But I will say this, despite American laws to the contrary, Biblically speaking, there is no such thing as “marital rape”. In the Scriptures, the only way rape occurs is if a man forces himself on a woman who is not his property (not his wife, or concubine). A man’s wives, his concubines (slave wives taken as captives of war or bought) could be made to have sex with him, no questions asked.
Now the Bible states that if a man did take one of his female slaves, he had to make her at least a slave wife (a concubine), which gave her a certain status above a normal slave. She had the right to be fed, clothed and the right to regular relations with him even he had other wives. She also had to be given the full rights of a daughter, if her father-in-law had purchased her for his son. I realize this entire scenario is appalling to our modern western notions, but I choose to not challenge God’s wisdom in the laws he gave. If you want to argue with God about this at the judgement, be my guest.
Two types of “not in the mood”
Really there are two classes of “not in the mood”, one is because of legitimate health reasons, perhaps she is experiencing painful intercourse or perhaps psychological issues and you should encourage your wife to seek medical assistance in these cases. But the other reason women are often not in the mood is because of “attitude issues”, basically adding up to “what has he done to earn this?” – This second reason is the “not in the mood” that I am primarily aiming at.
Reactions a wife might make to her husband’s sexual advances
The reaction every man wants to hear when he approaches his wife for sex
“Sure babe, let’s get it on.”
This is the way it should be the vast majority of the time.
The First type of “not in the mood”
“We have not spent any time talking lately and you want to have sex?”
“I am really not feeling up to it babe, I am really sorry can I give you a raincheck for tomorrow?”
How you should react to “not in the mood” type 1
If your wife expresses a need to talk, then by all means sit down and talk with your wife. Perhaps she has had a rough day, and just needs to vent, or perhaps there is an unresolved conflict between the two of you that she would like to discuss. I think there needs to be a compromise here between husbands and wives, that sometimes we as guys can cool our testosterone jets just for a little bit and connect verbally with our wives when they need that prior to sex.
But wives need also to understand that sometimes a man has a rough day, and all he wants to do is have sex and forget his troubles, he does not want to talk about it. Your wife needs to respect this, and should not ALWAYS insist that you have to first connect verbally, she also should try to see sex from your perspective too – that sometimes you won’t be ready to talk until after you have had sex.
If you see that your wife is genuinely not feeling well(and not the classic “I have a headache” excuse), and she politely asks for a rain check, then by all means as a Christian husband be gracious and allow her that. Now if she is asking for a rain check every other day, then you may need to explore what is happening, and if there is a deeper issue.
The Second type of “not in the mood”
“I am not really in the mood, but let’s just get this over with”
Then we have the classic “What have you done for me lately?” reasons for not being in the mood:
“When was the last time you took me out?”
“Did you buy me anything at the jewelry store this week?”
“How are those dishes looking?”
Then we have the – “how often do i have to do this” not in the mood reactions:
“Really? We just did it a week ago?”
“I have a headache”
How you should react to “not in the mood” type 2
Many of us husbands, but not all, will take the grudging acceptance, where she yes, but with a bad attitude.
Believe it or not, I have seen bloggers and others online say that a man is raping his wife if he has sex with her, knowing she is not in the mood, even if she grudgingly yields. Anything short of her happy consent in their view, is rape. I have asked several good Christian women about this, including my wife and sister-in-law and they just laughed at such a ridiculous notion.
But if your wife’s reaction is anything but a happy or grudging yield to your sexual advance, you need only follow up her response with “is that a no?”
And perhaps throw in “do we need to sit down and refresh our minds with what God’s Word says about sex in marriage?” If your wife is not a Christian, a reference to the Scriptures may fall on deaf ears so you may just want to leave it with the first question “is that a no”, and then see my next post that will deal with how to handle unbelieving wives.
Your wife has two choices
Her first choice is to react to your “is that a no” question by grudgingly giving in. This is what I mean by, if she is not in the mood, but yields anyway, then just take it, knowing that both you and your marriage need the sex.
Her second choice is to react to your “is that a no” with a “Yep, it’s a no”. In that case you have to move to a different strategy that with I will address in my next post, “8 steps to confront your wife’s sexual refusal”.
But a woman can’t physically have sex when she is not in the mood
I added this section to the original post to address the emails and comments I got claiming a woman can’t physically have sex unless she is in the mood. Basically the argument goes like this. When a woman desires to have sex with a man, her vagina will start to lubricate itself in anticipation of intercourse. If there is no desire, then there is no lubrication and therefore if she is not in the mood she will automatically have dry and painful intercourse.
Just because I am saying it is OK if a woman grudgingly yields to her husband for sex he should take it, this does NOT give him the right to just “go for it”. He ought to use foreplay and touch various parts of her body and massage her in an attempt to relax her. He could also use oral sex as a way to help her get lubricated, and if that is not working use an artificial lubricant to help. There are ways to make sure a woman is sufficiently lubricated, even if she is not in the mood for sex.
Christian husbands the ball is in your court
So as a Christian husband you have quite the task on your shoulders. God wants sex to be a regular part of your marriage. Unless you are one those rare guys with little to no sex drive, you want sex in your marriage. Your wife may or may not want sex, or she may want it far less frequently than you do. But regardless of either of your sex drives, sex is to be a regular occurrence when you are married.
You need to pray and ask for God’s guidance in trying to truly discern if your wife’s “not in the mood” problem is a true mental or physical health issue (and if so seek help), or is it an attitude issue in which case as I said previously – if she yields (even grudgingly), you ought to take it. Do not feel bad and don’t let her make you think you being selfish for wanting sex with her, when the truth from God’s perspective is that she is the one being both rebellious and selfish.
The next post in this series will address “How to handle it when your wife refuses to have sex”. After that we will tackle what it means to “live with your wife according to knowledge”, “what it means to honor your wife” and many other topics related to being a godly husband.
Biblical Gender Roles 
I certainly see the attack on my Facebook however it doesn’t change the word of God. He’s not in heaven saying lets make a deal, he gave us the Bible and said here is the deal…therefore people can fight it and argue but it does not change the facts! Keep spreading the truth!
Ashley,
These are the next 3 posts I did for this series – in order
https://biblicalgenderroles.com/2015/05/23/8-steps-to-confront-your-wifes-sexual-refusal/
https://biblicalgenderroles.com/2015/05/30/10-ways-to-know-your-wife/
https://biblicalgenderroles.com/2015/05/30/12-ways-to-honor-your-wife/
The 8 steps post has caused quite a fire storm on Facebook, even more than the “Is a husband selfish” post you have seen.
The basic premise is – Biblically speaking a husband has the right to confront sin in his wife’s life. Many Christian’s and non Christians believe a husband is powerless to confront chronic and regular sexual denial, they believe even from a Biblical perspective that if he loves Christ as the Church, he would not confront her sin, because supposedly Christ never confronts sin in his churches.
I even make the point in the post at the very beginning that these 8 steps are not for men whose wives occasionally reject. This is aimed at the chronic denier, the wife for whom saying yes is the exception, and saying no is the norm. Let me know your take on it, even if you disagree.
God did not “give us the bible” The bible was written by man
I totally agree and in fact had posted these on Facebook at the same time that I posted this one. It has been met with plenty of negativity but I still stand on the fact that it is biblical. And many have commented that it is marital rape which I disagree. I feel that I have a pretty personal outlook on this scenario because I have spent the last five years battling cancer and in the process conceived our third child by what people seem as marital rape. And I conpley disagree with a man forcing himself on a woman whether it be his wife or a stranger and I was totally incapacitated I had just come home from having all of the muscles on the left of my back removed due to the cancer and had two drain tubes stitched in and was knocked out on pain meds when he decided to take what he felt was rightfully his and in the process ripped out one of my drain tubes. I was not even aware that we had had sex until two weeks later when I had to return to the hospital and have the drain tube stitched back in and they used a CT scan for guidance and discovered I was pregnant which I argued with the dr because I had assumed that I had rolled over on my drain tube in my sleep and had ripped it out and to my knowledge I had not had sex I mean I had two drain tubes in and a 27 inch long incision with 136 stitches so was physically not capable. However they said I was pregnant and that I must have an abortion and continue with my treatments or I and the baby would die…I still argued that it was impossible for me to be pregnant but insisted that even if I was that I would not abort and would postpone treatments and place it in Gods hands. I called my husband and told him this crazy story and he laughed and informed me of what he had done which was devastating to say the very least but today my child that was supposed to have no chance will turn three in July and is healthy as a horse. However my husband and I got divorced early this year after eight years of marriage and three children. I say all that to point out that I’m not just a person who has never had to face these issues but rather have dealt with them head on. I still stand by the fact that the statements you have made are biblical and the way that God intended for marriage to be!
Stacey,
Yes the Bible was written by man but authored by God. The men who wrote the Bible only wrote what God instructed them to. If man had written the Bible on their own it would have many mistakes and contradict itself which it does not. Thus the reason I say that God gave us the Bible. Be blessed!😊
Ashley,
My jaw dropped as I read your story, you had EVERY right to divorce such a monster(your former husband) for what was TRULY abusive behavior. I am so sorry that happened to you, but I am willing to bet based on what I have seen from you that this horrible experience brought you closer to the Lord, instead of abandoning your faith and your beliefs they only became stronger – you truly have lived out Job’s statement “But he knoweth the way that I take: when he hath tried me, I shall come forth as gold.” Job 23:10 (KJV)
About 20 years was the first time I did my own very in depth study of divorce. What prompted me to study it was a good friend of mine’s mom had her husband leave her for another woman and he ended up divorcing my friend’s mom and marrying this woman. Yet our church we were attending told her she still could not remarry – even though he had left her, divorced her and married another woman(and there was no infidelity or any other issues on her part, it happened suddenly). It just did not settle with me right, how our church was treating my friend’s mom. After my own study of divorce, I came to the understanding that while yes God does hate divorce, divorce exists because men and women are still sinners and do horribly wicked things(like your husband did, and like my friend’s dad did to his mom).
What bothers me in all this is that we have a culture that wants to label everything as abuse, and when you do that – people like you who were truly abused get lost in the shuffle.
When we call a husband trying to reason with his wife, that her constant sexual denial is a sin before God – “coercion” and we call it “rape” even when she gives consent(something your former husband did not get from you) because he convinced her to have sex with him when she was not in the mood we do a great disservice to women who have truly been raped, and women who have truly been abused.
Thank you again for your great testimony.
Amen Ashley, Amen.
“All scripture is given by inspiration of God, and is profitable for doctrine, for reproof, for correction, for instruction in righteousness” – II Timothy 3:16 (KJV)
“For this cause also thank we God without ceasing, because, when ye received the word of God which ye heard of us, ye received it not as the word of men, but as it is in truth, the word of God, which effectually worketh also in you that believe.” – 1 Thessalonians 2:13(KJV)
I couldn’t agree more! I do believe that as a society we have been to quick to call things that are simply maybe not exactly what we wanted at the moment abuse and a woman who grudgingly yet willingly gives herself to her husband is a far cry from rape! Our society is so caught up in a feminist view and being politically correct, that we have completely corrupted Gods beautiful perfect design for each of us. There is so much power and blessings in knowing your place in Christ and striving your best to fulfill the purpose he placed each of us here for. It’s all in how we choose to view it as women. I personally desire a man who places God first and who desires to be the spiritual leader and head of the house that God has called him to be, just as much as I desire to be the best mother and hopefully someday wife that I can be. I don’t see it as being a slave but as fulfilling my position in Gods Devine plan which is not only a blessing but a privilege to do so! I pray that God guides my footsteps and always keeps me humble even when it hurts.
Thank you very much for the scriptures. We will find the answer to every question we have within the word of God if we truly seek it out God will always open our minds and hearts.
It troubles me that you don’t address mutual pleasure in this article, only sex. What if a wife doesn’t want to have sex with her husband because he is a selfish lover, unconcerned with her pleasure?
Before he castigates her for denying him, maybe first he should ask her why. Is he using her body in a way that abuses her soul and leaves her feeling sad and unfullfilled? So many men forget the nuances of female sexual response and only focus on their own pleasure.
Perhaps your next post should focus on how to make a Christian wife CRAVE sex from her husband. That type of education would be do much more beneficial!
La Belle,
I certainly agree that a husband ought to speak to his wife in a gentle way before any of these steps would ever occur. These steps are not for occasional sexual denial, and they certainly are not for a husband who does not talk to his wife as God commands him too. In a followup post(“10 ways to know your wife” https://biblicalgenderroles.com/2015/05/30/10-ways-to-know-your-wife/) I wrote this:
I will write more on this topic of husbands trying to please their wives in the bedroom(and there already are a lot of good Christian sites that give helpful advice on how to please your spouse sexually). The purpose of this post was take on the problem of the chronic denier, this is a wife with whom a husband has tried to reason, he has approached her several times, asking what he can do differently, and she will not work with him for one reason or another. While some women love sex, others see it as bother no matter how kindly their husband approaches them. But at the end of the day if a woman will not hear the gentle requests of her husband, then measures like these must be taken.
What good does it do a wife who gets little or no sexual contact to divorce her husband? She will then be guaranteed to get NO sex:
“Whosoever shall marry her that is divorced committeth adultery.” Here she lures another man into adultery (that is for as long as her true husband yet lives).
“Whoso marrieth her which is put away doth commit adultery.” Same.
“If a woman shall put away her husband, and be married to another, she committeth adultery.” Here she is identified as the adulteress for marrying another man (while her true husband yet lives).
“Whosoever marrieth her that is put away from her husband committeth adultery.” Again, the divorced wife draws another man into being an adulterer.
“The woman which hath an husband is bound by the law [of marriage; the law of Moses was done away] to her husband so long as he liveth; but if her husband be dead, she is loosed from the law of her husband. So then if, while her husband liveth, she be married to another man, she shall be called an adulteress…”
Where is the Bible authority for a wife to divorce her husband? Jesus acknowledges that some do, but He doesn’t authorize it.
Robby,
All the passages where Christ talks about divorce must be taken in context of this statement:
“The Pharisees also came unto him, tempting him, and saying unto him, Is it lawful for a man to put away his wife for every cause?” – Matthew 19:3
The issue Christ is address about divorce, is that divorce is NOT lawful for every cause. But there are causes for which divorce is lawful.
Once we understand that Christ was saying “NO – a man cannot just divorce his wife for any reason” then we can look back in the Scriptures and see what reasons the God does allow for divorce.
One is fornication(sexual immorality) – Matthew 19:9
Another is for abandonment – I Corinthians 7:15
But then we have to look back to the Old Testament as well:
“If he take him another wife; her food, her raiment, and her duty of marriage, shall he not diminish.
And if he do not these three unto her, then shall she go out free without money.”
Exodus 21:10-11
When we take the whole counsel of Scripture from the Old Testament to the New Testament, From Moses, to Christ himself, to Christ’s apostles we can then understand God’s position on divorce. God hates divorce, but he created it because of the sin in man.
God does not allow a divorce “for every cause”, but there are some causes for which he does.
If a man marries a woman that was WRONGLY divorced from her husband, of if she WRONGLY divorced her husband – then you are correct that if a man marries her he and she commit adultery.
This is the case Christ was covering – a WRONGLY divorced woman.
But God makes it clear from Exodus 21 – that a woman has a right to be feed, and provided for, and to have sex with her husband. If he denies her any of these three things – she is to be freed(divorced). Now in Israel a woman had to have a “Get” from her husband, or letter of divorce. She could not divorce him, he had to divorce her. But what would happen is that the woman’s family, or elders of the town would pressure the husband to give her a “Get” if he was not providing for her, or refusing to have sex with him. You can look into the the traditions of Jewish leaders from that period to confirm this.
Now I have just quoted from the Old Testament, but let me say something about the OT. I believe there is much moral law, even about marriage that is brought forward into the New Testament. But we must never forget that Moses law, while continuing some of God’s unchanging moral law, also contained much sacrificial, cleanliness and civil law that applied only to Israel as a nation. For instance part of Israel’s civil law was that a woman could be taken out and stoned for adultery, or a child could be stoned for rebellion. Does that mean we have to stone adulteresses or rebellious children today? No.
So taking that same concept – yes under Moses Law a woman had no right to divorce her wife, however she did have a right to be freed from a husband who did not provide for her needs(including having sex with her). However we are longer under the Old Covenant, but under the new Covenant. We are not living in the nation of Israel as theocracy. So it is perfectly acceptable for our society to grant a woman the right to divorce her husband, as long as it is for Biblical reasons.
I believe if a husband abandons his wife(leaves her never to return), is lazy and refuses to work and provide, refuses to have sex with her, or physically abuses her these are legitimate causes for her to freed from him through divorce. These are not trivial matters, but issues that break the covenant of marriage.
My husband and I have been married for 9 years. When I was pregnant with our first child we sat down and had a discussion about sex. I told him while I was pegnant there would be time I probly would not want to have sex and if he did I understood and I would be willing to fullfill my duty and his desires………well it all went down hill from there. I understand what the bible states. I and a Christian however he is not. That being said when sex began to be painful because of pregnancy he did not care. I would recieve comment, it will only take a few minutes, I’ll be quick, what ever. I took it. Did not hold a grudge. Got past it. The problem is, it has never stopped. My husband does have sex with me whether I want it or not, all of the time. It has tainted our marraige and sex life to the point of disgust. Even when I would cry, he would still have sex with me. I can read a book and he will still have sex with me. I have tried to tell him how this makes me feel, I have begged and plead ed with him, not to do this to our marriage, that I feel like his horor, or his piece of trash, he does not care, I have told him this is not love, this is not biblical love, I do not feeled loved, he does not care. I hate when he touches me. It literally makes me sick to my stomach. I became so deep in depression because of it. I will be so sad and heart broken after, he actually will ask, what is your problem. I even went as far as to get drunk so I could have sex with him. Guess what….he thought that was the best idea ever, so he would make sure I would have enough alcohol in me to have sex. Even when I said I wanted to stop drinking, he would always make sure the fridge is full. When I would beg to see a counsler, I would get a guilt trip, of 100 reasons why I shouldn’t or can not. Now I am so numb to it all, I put a pillow over my face, and say just get it over with. And still I am trying to be a Godly wife. So please tell me how this is not sin. How this is not rape, or abuse of some sort. Because in my mind I feel like I am living with my molester everyday. Yes he says he is sorry, he does try to get me in the mood. You can definity tell when he want wants it, it is the only time he comes up behind me and holds me, and the nonstop sexual Comments, like why dont you come sit on my lap. Gross. And If I dont have sex with him the sighing and whining is sooo overwhelming. It becomes a punishment. When im upset after, I get you told me to do it, I dont know why your so upset. I can go on and on. So as a Christian women do I just keep taking it and keep the smile on my face pretending everything is ok when it is killing me inside? And just a side note, I am not a feminist, I am very biblical when it comes to God’s way, and not being in this world but of this world. So I do get what you are saying about not denying your husbsnd of sex. But what do you do when it has turned into what yes I would call rape.
Anonymous,
I have responded to your situation with a dedicated post at https://biblicalgenderroles.com/2015/07/11/is-my-husband-raping-me/
What about after giving birth, like not right after (all be it, my husband was hurt and disappointed when I said I couldn’t because of the stitches) but a couple of weeks after and the stitches have healed. Was I wrong to say no then? I mean it still hurt a lot two months after, so would it have mattered if I’d said yes? (Yes I was giving hand/and oral, but I said no the first week after having the baby because I could barly stand to go to the bathroom and I was in a lot of pain just laying down trying to be still.) -oh, things are getting better, just wondering if maybe I was in th wrong that time.
Victoria,
It is common medical advice that women not engage in vaginal intercourse for at least 6 to 8 weeks after giving birth. There was nothing wrong with you saying no due those legitimate medical reasons. You took care of your husband in other ways and that was all that was required of you. This is yet another example of your husband’s selfish behavior.
I hope that he will come to an understanding of his selfishness when you have had legitimate medical reasons for saying no. How are things getting better? Is being more understanding or is your Vaginismus getting better(or some combination of the two)?
Penetration isn’t hurting anymore, I did have some pain during intercorse and forgot for a second that I could say stop for a minute. My reaction time was a bit delayed and I experienced some pain. My husband has recently stopped acting like foreplay was a huge bother as if it was a chore. I never could relax because I knew after a couple of minutes he’d get tired of it and ask if I was ready yet (I’ve been told by family once you say yes to sex you can’t say no in the middle) so I’d give up and take it. – I guess that’s having sex with a bad attitude on my part? I can’t say I was very enthusiastic about it
– He’s actually trying now, asking if I like this or that and I haven’t been pressured for oral in a while. I don’t mind doing it, but after 10 mins my jaw hurts an i hate the taste of semen, I threw up last time. He usually warns me so I can stop but sometimes he forgets (which is the part I hate).
I understand completely your perspective. However, let me say that as a christian man I am by scripture to treat my wife as I would treat myself and if she’s not in the mood then I wouldn’t ever feel the urge to make her feel obligated to have sex with me. I’ve been happily married for 30 years and have found on those rare occasions when she expresses this to me holding her and cuddling with her allows us to bond and from time to time she has cried while we lay together and we hold each other I feel closer to her with each passing day. I feel blessed that God has allowed me to have such a wonderful person to walk by my side.
Thank you
Daniel,
You used a key phrase in your comment “rare occasions”. Of course there are going t be rare times when our wives for will not be in the mood for what I think by your description would be emotional reasons that need some “cuddling” and other other bonding time first. That is not what we are talking about here – we are not talking about these kinds of things happening on “rare occasions”. Husband should have patience, mercy and grace during these times.
I also agree that there is a general principle of Scripture that we should treat our neighbor as we want to be treated and that certainly would apply to our wives whom we are to love as Christ loved the Church. But let’s ask ourselves as men – do we do things for our wives even when we don’t feel like it? Most husbands that love their wives could answer “yes” to this. Whether it is getting up in the middle of the night to unclog a toilet, or working in grueling jobs day in and day out. So asking your wife to have sex when she is not in the mood is not a violation of the principle to do unto others as you would have done unto you.
Daniel – God seems to have certainly blessed you with a wife who by your own admission only turns you down on “rare occasions”. But imagine you were married to a very different type of woman. Imagine if you were married to a woman who saw sex as a way to control you – if you agree with her and do what she says then you get sex, otherwise you don’t. Or maybe she does not attempt to control you with sex, but she simply thinks men need sex too much and sex is really not a big deal so she consciously or unconsciously seeks to train you that you will only get it so often and only when she desires it. Imagine living with a woman who is only in the mood for sex 7 times a year?
My point Daniel is that you were fortunate in the woman that God gave you. But many men are not so fortunate. Even the Scriptures say “Who can find a virtuous woman? for her price is far above rubies.” – Proverbs 31:10 (KJV)
This is the issue we are addressing.
I’m OK with this, except for two things.
1) Your marriage doesn’t need sex. If it does, you’re doing it wrong. Due to my health, we have not had sex for several years now. Our marriage is not suffering in any way. We are very intimate, kissing, hugging, holding each other, petting each other – we give each other compliments and express our love in all kinds of manners, like doing small favours to each other, giving each other tokens of love, thinking about the other, sending each other messages and kisses and hugs. Marriage needs intimacy, not sex.
2) Yes, God has given us the sex drive, but that doesn’t mean we must gratify it. We are not children any more. We don’t use diapers, we wait until we can use the toilet. We don’t need snacks, we wait until the meal is served and eat by the table with the family at decided times. We don’t need a bedtime story, teddy and a glass of water before we can sleep. We get up in the morning even when it would be so nice to stay in bed. We don’t have a 2 mile present wish list, nor do we go and buy what ever we might want just because we could – no, we are adults, so we see if the thing fits our economy, home, family and plan. If it doesn’t, we forget the whim, not the family and plan. I can accept the sex drive to be almost impossible to resist when one is a teenager and the hormones are wild, but I cannot accept an adult man trying to excuse his adultery – or coerce his wife to have sex with him – by “I have a sex drive and my wife doesn’t!”.
Also, God gave your wife her sex drive, too… if she got less than you do, should she go against God’s will to adjust to yours? Or should you perhaps exercise not giving in to your animal instincts, bodily whims and yetzer hara?
Ketutar,
I have responded to your comment with this post:
https://biblicalgenderroles.com/2015/11/02/is-wanting-sex-with-your-wife-when-she-is-not-in-the-mood-childish/
What does an husband do when there is repeated sexual denial by his wife.
Adeyemi,
I wrote on the topic of how to deal with repeated sexual denial from a wife here:
https://biblicalgenderroles.com/2015/05/23/8-steps-to-confront-your-wifes-sexual-refusal/
This may sound odd, but my husband is the one who oftens deny me! He was a virgin before me and he now tries to control me through withholding sex. Its not very importantbto him. I feel very embarassed writing this. Also he will not try new things as in no oral on me nor manual stimulation. I have asked him, but my sexual needs are constantly being neglected. And even when they are occasionally fulfilled he deffinately won’t go out of his way to do something I like. He just wants to stick to the same thing. The same 3 or 4 positions. I have read the bible to him. I have told him denying me sex is a sin. I have told him I am not happy. Sometimes when I say I’m not happy we will have sex. But it shouldn’t have to come to that or an argument for sex. It puts me out of the mood by that time. It’s not like we never have sex. We do maybe 2 to 4 times a month. But I feel it should be more. I would be happy with every other day. Or at least twice a week. But not for very long periods of time in duration.
M,
Sorry to hear of this situation. Being sexually denied by you husband must be very painful and I think it some ways it can be worse when it happens to you as the woman. Men normally want sex more than their wives in most cases so it can make you feel unattractive to him or like there is something wrong with you. I wrote two posts on this subject for women that I really think you should take a look at.
https://biblicalgenderroles.com/2015/09/16/12-reasons-your-husband-may-not-want-to-have-sex-with-you/
https://biblicalgenderroles.com/how-to-confront-your-husband-for-denying-you-sex/