“Been married two years and we are both Christian. Our marriage is good, outside the bedroom. We have no children. My wife consented to sex once in the last year and that was six months ago. She refuses any kind of counseling. We abstained prior to marriage and from the first day of our marriage, she has always avoided sex and never enjoyed it.” – this came in as a comment from a Christian husband on my post “How a husband can enjoy sex that is grudgingly given by his wife”.
The man identifies himself as “M’s Husband”. This story actually is not technically a story of physical sexual denial, but one of emotional sexual denial. As I have said in some other posts – there are really two sins when it comes to sexual denial. The first sin is to physically deny your spouse sex. The second sin is when you give sex, but you give it grudgingly (with a bad attitude).
M’s Husband’s Story
“Been married two years and we are both Christian. Our marriage is good, outside the bedroom. We have no children. My wife consented to sex once in the last year and that was six months ago. She refuses any kind of counseling. We abstained prior to marriage and from the first day of our marriage, she has always avoided sex and never enjoyed it.
I came to the “end of my rope” this morning and after trying to be affectionate, asked her how long I need to wait. Her reply was that she never wants to have sex, ever. I told her, that was not an acceptable answer and something would have to be done. She then removed her clothes and lay on the bed, stiff as a board. She told me that it was her duty to submit and that I should make it quick and get it over fast. I backed off but after she got dressed, she kept telling me how I had my chance and I should not complain. She then gave me another chance and I took the offer. She was in a rage for the next two hours but the release felt good to me and it was something that I needed. I expect this to emerge as a pattern in our future.
I will always look to please her in and out of the bedroom, but if she refuses pleasure, I see no alternative. I will not engage in porn, adultery or anything sinful. I will not divorce her. Our marriage is good, outside the bedroom. I expect this to persist until, Lord willing, someday she may soften and accept the sexual pleasure and fulfillment that I will always offer.”
My Response to M’s Husband
I am so sorry to hear about the sexual dysfunction in your marriage.
You say that your “marriage is good, outside the bedroom”. But is it really?
When you have sexual frustration building up in the back of your mind how is that not going to bleed into your relationship “outside the bedroom”?
Sir – with all due respect you are only lying to yourself if you think your marriage is good outside the bedroom. At best you are simply suppressing your sexual needs to keep the peace and the illusion of a good relationship outside the bedroom.
A good marriage should be good inside the bedroom as well as outside the bedroom.
If a couple has great sex but has no relationship outside the bedroom that is not marriage as God intended it. But in the same way if a couple talks and seems to have a good relationship outside the bedroom but what happens inside the bedroom is ugly or dysfunctional then it cannot be said that this is a “good marriage” as God intended it to be.
When I wrote that post about “How a husband can enjoy sex that is grudgingly given by his wife” I made it very clear that this is not how God intends marriage to be. But because of sin this situation occurs where a husband has to sometimes accept grudgingly given sex by this wife.
I made the point there that we as husbands need to be making sure we are doing our part outside the bedroom to help cultivate that desire in our wives so things can be good inside the bedroom. But we cannot do our wives part. She must also do her part in cultivating her own desire toward you, you can’t do it all for her. She must be willing to go to counseling and explore why she has such a negative view of sex.
However some women have deep psychological and sin issues that have hardened their hearts where they do not have a healthy and right view of sex as God intended it.
Some Pastors and other Christian’s will tell you if you tried to get her to counseling and she refuses, then perhaps you will just have to accept a celibate life. They will tell you this is sacrificing yourself for your wife as Christ did his Church. This is “your cross to bear”.
Perhaps a few will even tell you that you need to just accept this grudgingly given sex by your wife as miserable as she is making it in order to avoid temptation, but beyond that there is nothing else you can do.
Many will tell you that “All you can do is pray for your wife that God will change her heart.”
By all means pray for your wife every day! Pray without ceasing! Pray for her and pray for yourself that God will protect you from temptation and from your heart becoming bitter toward your wife.
You said “I see no alternative”. Let me tell you my brother, there is an alternative. There is more that you can do.
A Sexual intervention is needed
You did the right thing, you suggested counseling to your wife but she has refused. When someone has a problem like this and they refuse counseling, that is when a sexual intervention is called for.
You need to have a sexual intervention for you wife with your Pastor and his wife. Go to your Pastor and explain the situation. If he is willing (and he should be), have him and his wife come out to your home one night. Do not tell your wife they are coming (that defeats the point of an intervention).
Explain to your Pastor and his wife in front of your wife the issues you are having with your wife’s attitude toward sex. Maybe your Pastor will ask you to leave your wife alone with him and his wife so they can speak privately with her and give her a chance to open up without you there. Maybe your Pastor’s wife may need to take your wife alone to another room so they can talk woman to woman. Women sometimes respond to women much better than to men on these issues. This may simply be a wrong attitude toward sex, but it may be a result of some much deeper issues. Perhaps she was sexually abused as a child. Maybe her parents or her church made her feel that sex was dirty and evil.
Now if your Pastor and his wife are not able to break through to your wife and she stubbornly resists this intervention you need to take additional steps.
For the time being while your wife is still resisting any help you will have to accept the grudgingly given (but still consensual) sex that she gives you. Look away from her face as she displays her sinful attitude.
Do not let her sin cause you to sin. You may think you are strong, but if you allow yourself to go too long without at least physically connecting with your wife (even though she is emotionally still rejecting you) you will leave yourself open to dangerous temptation.
The Bible tells us one of the reasons we are to marry is to avoid sexual temptation:
“Nevertheless, to avoid fornication, let every man have his own wife, and let every woman have her own husband.” – I Corinthians 7:2 (KJV)
But you also need to look at what you are doing outside the bedroom. You said your marriage is good outside the bedroom. Do you spend a lot of time with your wife doing things together? Do you talk a lot? Does your wife work? Does your wife have expensive habits?
If you are meeting all your wife’s wants outside the bedroom, as opposed to her needs you may well be enabling your wife’s sinful attitude and behavior toward sex in your marriage.
As the leader of your home, and as a Christian husband God does not call you to sacrifice yourself to enable your wife’s sinful behavior, but rather he calls on you to sacrifice yourself for her holiness.
“Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her, so that He might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, that He might present to Himself the church in all her glory, having no spot or wrinkle or any such thing; but that she would be holy and blameless.” – Ephesians 5:25-27(NASB)
As a husband God wants you to unconditionally love your wife by providing for her needs, but he does not require you to unconditionally provide for her wants.
So if after an intervention attempt you see no change and no progress but a continued willful and defiant rebellion from your wife you have to stop meeting some of her wants (as opposed to her needs). Some will tell you this is you acting “petty” or “vindictive” toward your wife.
But it is not being petty or vindictive. It is called discipline. Your wife is not responsible for your behavior before God, but to a certain extent you are responsible to help shape and mold your wife’s behavior to the best of your ability.
Ultimately all you can do is start to remove some of her wants and see if she will make the right choice. Will she go and explore what has hardened her heart with a counselor or your Pastor’s wife? Or will she continue in rebellion in this area of sexuality in marriage? You cannot force her, she has to make the choice. All you can do is bring discipline into her life to attempt to persuade her to change course.
Once you have done all you can, then it is in God’s hands. But God wants you to do your part as the leader in your marriage.
I pray that God will give you the courage to “rock the boat” and confront this sin in your marriage. Do you realize that if your wife figures out what her road blocks are to sex it will benefit not just you but her as well? God designed sex to be a core part of marriage and a pleasurable part of marriage that should draw a couple closer. This is what you are fighting for.
When your wife finally does open up in counseling once she stops fighting it, there may be some issues revealed in that counseling that you as her husband need to work on. But you will never know until she finally breaks down the wall and opens her heart to God and to you.
May God be with you as you seek his will in this situation.
Biblical Gender Roles 
I like your suggestions, BGR.
This woman probably has some deep-seeded psych issues, but regardless of her issues this behavior is emotionally abusive toward her husband.
I can’t imagine what it would be like to commit myself for a lifetime to a person who rejected my physical touch. This is abuse.
As a survivor of childhood sexual abuse, this story really reminds me of where I still was just a few years ago (and thankfully single at the time). Sex (through no fault of its own) can be very entrapping for those who are afraid of it. I felt trapped in the abuse as a child. Then when I learned biology and realized I needed to have sex to have children, I felt trapped in that as I really wanted children. Then when I learned more about the male sex drive and how my one-day husband would likely want sex more than just for conception purposes, I felt trapped because I really wanted to be a good wife. Everywhere I turned, sex was the formidable foe that would need to be put up with if I wanted to fulfill my dream of being a wife and mother. Obviously that is a terribly false way to view sex, but having lived most of my life that way, I completely understand the crippling power it can have in one’s life and I am VERY thankful that God sent some wonderful people and reading material into my life before I met my husband. I could definitely be wrong, but I would be willing to bet that this woman also suffered sexual abuse in one form or another.
I agree however, that that does not justify a sexless marriage or a terrible-sex marriage. I like most of your ideas, but I wonder if they could be tapered just a bit to make it more effective and loving for her without causing him to have to sacrifice his rights as a husband. Suddenly springing the pastor and his wife on her is likely to make her feel trapped again, so I would advise telling her they are coming, but not mentioning that sex will be the discussion. People have dinner with their pastors all the time. I’m not really a fan of no longer doing nice things for your wife because she won’t have sex with you, but that’s a conversation for a different day.
One of the things our sex counselor (male) repeatedly brought up is overcoming negative sexual associations with positive ones. For example, he told us that when sex was extra painful for me, we should stop, let it subside, and then continue. Else it would just reinforce for me that sex=pain which was definitely not going to help us start a healthy sexual relationship. It took awhile because I had so many buried negative experiences, but I finally found myself actually looking forward to being sexual with my husband. Without knowing the specific couple, I’m a bit at a loss on how exactly to go about accomplishing this, but I do know that keeping the goal in mind is important. This is NOT the couple where you want her outwardly faking it while she is inwardly screaming. That will keep piling up the negative associations in her mind and shove her further and further away from a healthy sexual relationship.
Hey Larry you are on youtube again!
Ya there are two videos…one is cartoon style thing making fun, the other is some kind of news program
No there are four videos. I clicked on one of them and three more came on the recommended section.
All of them negative… which is sad cause I did think you had a point. But as I said before the ‘dont look at her face’ advice was unnecessary.
I am M’s Husband with a follow up reply. Thank you for all the help you have offered. First there is the issue of her church. When we met, I was strong in the faith and have been a leader in my church for over ten years. She grew up in a Christian home but fell away from church for more than ten years. I brought her to my Lutheran church and she attended church with me every Sunday, driving one hour to church from her home on Sunday morning. After two years of worshipping with me, she decided that the Lutheran church is a cult. She has rejected my church and returned to her old Church Of Christ congregation. Her church is Christian but legalistic and considers all other denominations a cult. Since she regards all Lutherans as cultists, she would not accept any kind of help from a Lutheran pastor.
As for her past: She is from a good, loving Christian family. She had a tragic first marriage that lasted about fifteen years, from her early twenties to a physically abusive husband who attempted to kill her (premeditated!) by burning down her house while she and her two sons were sleeping! There was much damage done to her home (a gift to her from her father) but they escaped and the home was repaired. She has only been able to tell me a few things about her first marriage. It hurts her too much. One other thing I know is that he blackmailed her to not leave him by threatening to kidnap her two sons and never return if she attempted a separation. She had to wait to divorce him until her sons were old enough to know how to find her if he kidnapped them. A few years after their divorce, he died in jail. All this was long before I met her. She told me that is the only time she ever prayed to God for someone’s death.
She told me all this long before we married. Knowing how people can be scarred from such trauma, I looked hard for abnormal behavioral traits in her and found none. I decided that since her family was a good Christian family who lived near her, their emotional support had healed her. Because we abstained from any kind of sex or intimacy before our marriage, I had been unable to know that her scars from her first marriage would only affect our sexual relations. She never had sex before her first marriage and fits what people may think of as a “good Christian girl” description, then and now.
I can fill in more facts later, after some additional comments. I do not want this to be a whole book. Maybe just a chapter. I will add, that we have an excellent financial situation and I was able to start supporting her completely six months into our marriage. She retired from a job that she had on her 26th anniversary with the company, to be my full time Christian wife and head of our home. She gets all of her financial support from me. She also tries to go to her church every Sunday by driving to her 85 year old widowed dad (one hour away) and taking him to church if he feels physically able to go. Though she is a sinner, as we all are, she tries to live a life that gives honor and submission to God. I will always love her with all my heart as long as we live. My great love for her may overcome much of the resentment that I may have about denying me. Looking forward to your comments.
Wow, my heart breaks for both of you. I am so out of my depth here, but if by chance any of this would be helpful, I will share my thoughts. My guess is she suffered sexual abuse from her ex-husband as well. Typically men who burn down homes while their wife and children are asleep are not the kind to have intimate and loving sex. That could explain why the problem shows up as mainly sexual. If you were to yell at her or threaten to hit her, she likely would respond the same way. I’m NOT trying to imply that you do this, but rather that the act of sex may be the only trigger she experiences with you because you treat her correctly.
I know this seems weird and I almost can’t believe I’m writing it, but I wonder if you should put sexual intercourse on the shelf for the immediate future (not to be kept there too long). This is not to say that everything sexual should be benched, but I think she might be more open to talking with you and a counselor if she doesn’t feel like it’s just a way for you to have more sex. Is there a certain situation that makes her feel safe and allows her to open up more to you? I know when the lights are dim and my husband is holding me against him either on our bed or on the couch, I tend to be more open. If you could convince her (which starts by being true cuz this can’t be faked) that you are trying to help her heal and that this is not just a one-way ticket to more sex, she might be willing to try counseling. Perhaps let her pick a counselor to promote an extra sense of safety.
M’s Husband,
Thanks for that additional information. What happened to her was a horrible tragedy and sorry to hear that. I am all for counseling if the wife is willing. But from your original comments she seemed adamantly opposed to any kind of counseling. The point of discipline is get her to realize things cannot stay as they are but that she must in fact be willing to go to counseling.
I think based your comments about her refusing to follow your spiritual leadership and attend the Church that you have chosen it speaks to a woman that has rebellious tendencies. That is a huge red flag to me when a woman goes to a different church than her husband – you are her spiritual head and she must follow your lead in what church you attend. I attend a Baptist Church, but I would never call the Lutheran Church a cult(I have many Lutheran friends). We may disagree on some things as any Christian denomination does, but your wife is out of line on this.
I believe based on what you have stated here that your wife was truly hurt by her ex. That hurt turned into bitterness which then turned into rebellious tendencies. I am sure your wife loves you, but a wife can love her husband but have rebellious tendencies. She must be willing to see a counselor(even if it is the Pastor at the Church she attends) and she needs to open up and realize the bitterness and rebelliousness that has taken root in her heart.
Once that bitterness and rebelliousness is rooted out, truly rooted out – she should be able to submit to your leadership by following you to the church you have chosen. Also her being able to willingly give herself to you physically should follow.
But you should not let things stay as they are.
My wife slept on the couch last night. I had not had sex with her in five days and needed her again. I sat on a chair to wait for her to awake. Thirty minutes later, she did and I came over to her and started giving her affection.She did not want any affection but I told her that I needed her now. She then realized that I did not just want to be affectionate but sexual. She froze up and asked me to make it fast. After a few minutes I started to mount her and she changed her mind and tried to get me off of her. I decided that I would continue, since she had let me get this far. Afterward, I felt the same physical relief that I felt five days ago. She was as angry as could be. I was content. I also confronted her sin of filthy language, when she is angry. And her sin of not respecting her husband.
I know that she will be on her guard next time. If she says no, I have written a letter to the minister of her church but will wait to send it. I want to see how she reacts and what she decides to do. Once again, she told me that she does not want any sex with me ever. I reminded her what God says about that. This morning she showed a high degree of rebelliousness to my authority in the family. She also brought up all kinds of other vague issues but could not point to any sin of mine, though I asked her to do that. I did not get angry with her through this but kept pointing to what Scripture says. I let her know that I love her and want to stay married with her for the rest of our lives. She showed no concern for what Scripture says and told me that I need to be perfect before I start telling her what the Bible says.
She wanted to get away, but found that her tire was totally flat. I cheerfully fixed it for her. I wished her God’s Blessings as she left to buy a new tire.
She also considers the Baptist denomination to be a cult. Sorry about that.
M’s Husband,
Your Statement:
I have made it clear here on several occasions that I do not believe a husband should force himself on his wife. However, once consent is given unless there is physical pain issue that would stop the completion of sex the woman has an obligation to finish what she has consented to. This is not forced sex she clearly said “make it fast” and gave consent.
I know of a woman from 20 years ago in a Church I attended that was a very rebellious feminist type wife. She tried to report her husband for raping her in a very similar situation to what you describe where she gave consent but then asked him to stop half way through and he finished anyway. The police after hearing the story and looking her over for bruising and other signs of force found nothing and no charges were pressed against the husband.
God is saddened that you have to have sex with your wife under these deplorable conditions. It is even sadder when she plays games and gives consent and then tries to remove it in the middle of the act without just cause(like some painful condition).
I know she would consider the Baptist denomination a cult – you know why? Because of any denomination out there, there are more Baptist churches that take a stand against feminism and sexual denial than in any other Christian denomination. Don’t get me wrong – there are feminist Baptist churches and Baptist churches that do not condemn sexual denial.
M’s Husband,
It is one thing for a wife to not be in the mood or grudgingly consent from time to time. But your wife seems to have a visceral hatred of sex. If she refuses counseling to get to the bottom of her very abnormal view of sex then its time to end it my friend.
I believe based on her reaction and her playing games with trying to have you stop in the middle that your wife has a serious mental condition in regards to sex.
So the way you should handle this is – set up a counseling appointment even with her Pastor at her church.
Layout what you see the problems are and what you beliefs and convictions are from the Scriptures.
If she refuses to listen, show up,or the Pastor of that Church does not agree then move toward divorce.
But make it slow. Prepare her financially for the changes. Make it as real as you can that your lives together as husband and wife are about to come to end. The “good marriage” you have outside the bedroom will end.
If you see no signs of remorse or change or willingness for her to counsel and talk about her serious mental issues with sex then it is time to divorce her for her sexual denial.
Yes many women give sex grudgingly from time to time, but what you are describing is a woman that has serious issues with sex. But if she won’t get help, then there is nothing you can do.
You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make them drink.
I have the letter to her church already prepared. Am willing to confront her with the minister and an elder, if needed. First I want to talk with my pastor about this situation. My pastor has much wisdom.
As for divorce, I love her. I can not divorce her. Only if she separates for a very long time will I consider it. I will remove many of her luxuries though but always give her food, clothing and a place to live with me. And protection.
It is strange that we talked about our sexual expectations during our engagement. She said she wanted once a week, but accepted three times a week as a compromise. I knew I could handle three times a week. As soon as we were married, it all changed. That was deceptive.
An additional thought: The Scripture is the best reason to be sexual with my wife, but I have an
additional reason. 1 Corinthians 7:5 King James Version (KJV)
5 Defraud ye not one the other, except it be with consent for a time, that ye may give yourselves to
fasting and prayer; and come together again, that Satan tempt you not for your incontinency.
The last word in the NIV is “self-control.” My desire for sex has not changed since I was a
teenager.
Readers who are married women may think, “What a blessing! I wish my husband had that gift.” It is a
blessing and I would rejoice with my wife if my she needed affection and sex. For a totally
unfulfilled married man, my sex drive is not a blessing, to me. My wife passively accepts affection
and never gives any. She had said that all I ever think about is sex. Well, I am deprived. During
one talk we had in our first year of marriage, she said that she does not want to have sex because
if she does, then I will want more and more and more and it will not stop. My answer to statements
like that is, “We are married.” I get nowhere with that. It seems that the curse in my adult life
has been affection deprivation and sexual deprivation. When I do not get fulfilled and see no
possibility of any sexual satisfaction in the future-nothing to anticipate and look forward to, a
really sharp and strong temptation to cope by sinning through porn attacks me. I can hold off and
abstain from this sin for a while, but it always chips away at my resolve and I eventually give in
and go through a cycle of sinning with porn until I get disgusted with it. A sermon or my conscience
will pull me away. Then I go through a time, usually many weeks, of holding back, but I eventually
weaken and give in to the temptation. This has been a cycle for me ever since I was given my faith
by the Holy Spirit. Being married to someone who can periodically satisfy me breaks that sinful
cycle. Even in marriage, my need becomes acute after two days without sex. I have some self control
but I need to have the hope and anticipation of sex at some specific time in the near future. One
time during our first year of marriage when I attempted to be intimate, M. told me that I had my
porn. Go use that. I told her that I want her and not porn but only the porn has been available to
me. Not availability from her.She never brought up porn again.
Marriage is the Biblical solution for my need for sex, which is greater than my need for food.
My wife said that I was obsessed with sex. She said that I am oversexed. That may be so, but if I go
long periods without food, I can become “food obsessed.” I have gone two days without food. After a
day, I am not thinking about sex, but thinking about food all the time. (My weight is average, no
problems with food). I would not be this way if I had fulfillment. From what I read from others
here, I may not be. May be simply deprived.
There is more than a satisfaction aspect of chastity for me. My whole life descends into a cycle of
sin and repentence when I am deprived. Satin will enter through that door of deprivation. Marriage
should keep me tied to my wife for sexual satisfaction. I then can be fulfilled without sinning.
Marriage is the Godly solution for someone like me with a high sex drive. That is a huge reason why
this sexless marriage is so frustrating.
—————————————————————————————————
As of yesterday, my marriage is no longer good in other respects. She will avoid sex at all cost.
Even to end the marriage if I insist on my rights. She now has suitcases packed and told me that she
is very close to separating. She is cold to me and argues about anything. I had to plead with her to
make breakfast for me. Last week, I made a decision that if she would not be sexual I would not
tolerate that and would risk ending the marriage. She may be ready to do that, because she dislikes
having sex that much. I will not back down on insisting on my right as her husband.
This is a time of trial and pain for me. Please pray for our marriage. I know that I will receive
God’s blessings for doing the right thing.
Latest update. A slight breakthrough.
Thanks for all the help I have received from this blog. You have helped in the Christian walk of my wife and of me.
This is a copy of the second letter to my wife’s church. I have not sent any letters to them because I have not gone beyond the step in Matthew 18:15. I want to be sure that there is futility and failure after using and attempting to get her to repent using verse 15. All the letters will be sent if I have to go to the step in Matthew 18:16.
Dear Sir:
Yesterday afternoon we had our first slight breakthrough. For the first time, she was able to calmly talk with me about this sin.
Despite what is recorded in 1 Corinthians 7:2-5, she refuses to acknowledge that she is sinning.
From our talk, I learned the reasons for denying me my marital right.
1. I am not worthy to receive sex from her.
2. She is under much stress from her family, which is unrelated to us.
3. She is under much stress from things I do (including wanting sex) which annoy, anger and make her
stressful.
4. She says that if she allowed me to have sex with her, I would never be satisfied. I would want more
and more and more. She used the term hypersexual to describe me.
5. She says that over my whole life, I have damaged myself and can not properly perform sex with
her. How can she be sexual with someone like that?
My response:
I flatly deny two of the reasons (1 and 5), as totally wrong and unfactual.
As for reasons (2 and 3), they are true but they are not sufficient for sinning by denying me
sex. There is no sufficient reason for a Christian wife to deny her husband.
Reason 4 is also true. I have a heavy appetite for sex. I love her and may be able to postpone
sex for a day or so. If I have to go more than three whole days without sex with her, I feel
physically deprived and become open to temptation. I do not want to be this way. I have prayed
that it will change, but that is the way that I am.
If I can look forward with anticipation to a union with her. Even if I have to wait a week, I will be able to wait and abstain, though I will be in discomfort and experience much temptation to find pleasure and release in a sinful way apart from my wife. I should never have to wait that long.
I think that if she makes me wait more than two whole days, she is sinning. Having to wait more than
two whole days is not acceptable to me and I insist, that she allow me to have sex with her after a wait of more than two days.
All of my sexual satisfaction and contentment must come from being with my wife. If a husband receives sexual satisfaction anywhere else, it is a sin. I do not have the gift of celibacy. I must be married. I need sex more than I need to eat food. My wife confesses Jesus as her Savior. As my wife, she does not have the option to deny me sex. I love her and will consider her feelings. Scripturally I can have sex with her any time that I want. I intend to be reasonable about my right.
1 John 5:3 King James Version (KJV)
3 For this is the love of God, that we keep his commandments: and his commandments are not grievous.
[M – I edited the name at bottom I was not sure if you added it by mistake – BGR]
M’ Husband,
Wanting sex with your wife every other day does not make you hypersexual – even if you wanted sex with her ever day that would not be wrong. Each man has different level libido – some men’s are higher than others. In some rare marriages the man has a much lower libido and his wife wants it more. In either case the Biblically speaking the one who has the higher libido determines the frequency and yes that it the complete opposite of what the world teaches that the one who has the lower libido determines the frequency.
However I think that if a wife is giving her husband sex on a very regular basis as he desires and she occasionally asks for a raincheck no man should have an issue with this and I doubt you would if you knew you were regularly getting it.
I pray God will give you courage to continue to stand for what is right in your marriage.
I hadn’t read this thread again until now and didn’t realize M’s husband had responded.
Wow, I’m so sorry M’s husband. 😦
I will pray for your family, too. You obviously love your wife very very much.
You are not hypersexual. It is absolutely normal to desire frequent physical intimacy with your spouse. It would be abnormal if you did not.
Thank you for your prayers. Tomorrow, I will finally be able to speak with my pastor. He has been very busy and out of town. My wife and I had a calm discussion for the first time on Friday. Prior to that, she would be emotional and angry. We did not get too deep but it was a step in the right direction. I think the prayers of you and others have helped. I love her and want to be married to her for the rest of my life. Apart from this sexual hangup, she is so wonderful and a great wife. I expect process to be slow, but I am willing to be patient. (1 Corinthians 13:4). God Bless you.
Spoke with my pastor today. First I want to leave a link to a sermon I found on the internet about 1Corinthians 7:1-5. (Hope it is all right to do this). This had exactly what I wanted to hear and it raised my spirit. I want to play it for my wife. I hope that she will let me play it for her.
https://bible.org/seriespage/16-touchy-issue-1-corinthians-71-5
After I left the pastor’s office I was in despair. He said that I need to love my wife more (looking to how Christ loved the church) and how I should strive to be better at my role as a husband. He said that I have a responsibility as head of our family and I need to strive to be better at that in a loving way. I need to be a fully responsible Christian husband. If I succeed, then perhaps she will come around to realizing her error. I need to exhibit self control.
He said that if I feel tempted to look at porn (which I do not want to do) I should ask her to go for a walk with me. Take her to a movie or out for a meal. Something to get my mind off the temptation.
My need was not important to him.
It would be easier to give up now and look to be celibate the rest of my life. To enjoy my wife as I would enjoy a sister or a room mate. To find some other way to deal with my strong urge for sex and to find ways to cope with temptation that are not sinful.
If I pushed her and she divorced I would be celibate the rest of my life anyway. In my heart, we are married forever and I could never think of being with another person ever again, even if she died. I love her that much and can not conceive of being with another woman, as she will always be my wife.
My level of disappointment and despair is high. What advice can you give me? It was 21 years ago today, November 9, 1994 that I first made a confession and repentance to Christ. Now I feel like I would rather die and be with him, than go the rest of my life without the hope of sex. Through all this, I will survive and look forward to the Great Day when I meet my Lord and he wipes away the tears.
[M’s husband – if you add a link in your comment I have to approve it – that is why i did not go right away]
M’s Husband,
I am so sorry for the advice you got, but sadly I am not surprised. Many Pastors today simply ignore I Corinthians 7 and the core duty and right of sex in marriage as if it is just a “nice to have” and not something that can break marriage. They labor under the delusion that the only kind of marital unfaithfulness is when a woman has sex with someone other than husband. But some how they are able to say with a straight face that a woman is being faithful to her husband if she sleeps with no man – including him. This is wickedness and a mockery of marriage.
I know you are deeply and emotionally attached to your wife. But M’s husband – you have only been married two years. Your frustration will only grow with each passing month and each passing year. I realize right now you think you can remain in a celibate marriage – but this is not right or healthy for you. The despair you have now will only grow.
M’s husband – you are living with a woman that has chosen to make a mockery of marriage. You wife is being unfaithful to her vows to you – the vow to give her body to you and you alone was implicit in your wedding vows.
M’s husband – if you feel you are trapped between your feelings for her and your need for sex then you will need to seek some professional counseling. Your going to need help to live this decision.
But I must reiterate that you decision not to act discipline her for this with the threat of divorce as part of that discipline is based in the same error that is causing her to not want to have sex with you. You are both acting based on your emotions, and not what is right before God.
She won’t have sex with you because of her emotional hang ups about sex(whatever those are).
You won’t discipline her and use the ultimate threat of divorce because of your emotional attachment to her.
Her feelings and your feelings are stopping you both from doing what is right.
Think about that long and hard M’s Husband.